Do what you love….

Dutch Bros

Do what I love? Do you really want me TO???

Today, my Dutch Bros. Coffee told me to “Do What you love…”

Well I love having sex!  Does that count?  I wished I could do that all day!  Or maybe it should say something along the lines of “Do what you love but make sure that you won’t get arrested for indecent exposure…”  That would probably be a more specific statement for my coffee to tell me.

By the way, Dutch Bros is the best #1 coffee on the planet. I gave up renewing my Gold Membership to Starbucks for filled up stamp cards to Dutch Bros. Yes that’s right…I turned my back on Starbucks.  Well, I do go still but definitely not as much. Besides, there is only like ONE Starbucks in the city I live in!  Well, two if you count the one in the Fred Meyers.  I love the Fred Meyers to!  I just love it here…PERIOD!

Let’s Break those Eggshells

I was just recently told by my ex-husband, who I have reconnected with, that he feels he has to walk on egg shells with me.  My mother has also told me this, as has my sister.  I have no feggriends but I’m sure they would feel the same way to.

Is this because I could explode at things said to me?  Maybe.  Or is it because people are just plain jerks with what they say or do that they all set me off?

How has it come that everyone decides to fall back on the “I walk around on egg shells with you” and “you have the problem, not me” instead of not admitting that they are just plain asshats.  I’m the nice one here.  I only bite when barked at.  I know of people who wake up in the morning ready for a fight, not caring who they tick off or if others around them live or die.  I believe I share blood with some.  I also share blood with those who don’t seem to have one ounce of common sense or human nature decency in their body.  I swear I don’t belong in this family.

I belong free.  I want to BE free.  I want to enjoy my son for Christ’s sake!  Without the “you are the worst mother in the world because you let your son WALK home from school and be home for 1 hour because YOU have to work!”

And yes….that is what I’m told…

Where are those metaphorical egg shells now, huh ma?

Oh and yes….still do not get along with that women…finally realized…I never will…ever.  She is everything I do not want to be in a mother.  She is everything that I try not to be, in a mother. That says enough.

So, please all…continue to walk on those eggshells.  Ask me if I give two fucks about it!

I am now an Idaho-ian

idahoxtrlg

I am now in Idaho, have been here for 3 months now.  Found a job 3 weeks after being here.  I found an apartment 2 months after being here. I found a lover last week!  But that will be kept hush hush for now.

I love it here. So pretty. So green. Oh and the people don’t crowd you, cuss you out if you look at them wrong or try to kill you on the roads. I hate everything about California and I’m glad I took my son from there.

The only down fall is if there is a fire of any kind.  Boise and the surrounding cities are in this bowl of mountains.  The smoke really gets stuck down below.  I leave my windows open at night and the night before last, I woke up to the smell of a bonfire.  Apparently, a wood packing plant or something was on fire.  So it basically WAS a big bonfire.

But nonetheless, this was the best move I could have ever made and my only regret is not doing it soon, for my boy’s sake at the very least.  He likes his new school, making friends and not one complaint about a teach yet!

That is what matters.

And Life Goes On…and On…and SQUIRREL!

Yup…Squirrel.

It has been a year since my visit to Painville. I still have horrible memories and even nightmares of the pain.  I have heard of people with chronic pain of some kind but I do not think that I am one of those poeple who can do chronic pain without losing my mind completely.

Then, of course there was the Glitch in the weight loss Matrix.  Apparently, eating and what I put in my mouth at any given moment will be a constant trial for me. I have to become borderline obsessed with eating for every waking minute, hour and day of my life. I realized that I will live the rest of my life in an up and down rollercoaster regarding my weight.  As of now, I’m in a slight valley with weight. But I was riding high on a mountain a few weeks ago and I’ll get it back.  Since I can’t do strenous exercise anymore due to my back, I am stuck with only power walking as cardio exercise.  I carry weights during my walking but that is all..I’m afraid to do to much because of my weight.  Hence,  I need to eat practically nothing to balance out my slow metabolism with the fact Im not doing strenuous cardio.  I will always hate it.

There is, of course, so much more to write.  But I’m actually really lazy and have to think my words out very carefully so as not to sound to bitter, harsh or just plain bitchy about many aspects of my life and the people in them.

So more to come.

 

 

 

A Glitch in the weight loss Matrix….do you wish to re-boot?

There was a HUGE glitch in the Matrix….

After going through my painful ordeal, the exercise stopped and the eating started.  All I did was lie down, dormant, stuffing my face with fast food. Blegh…..

I gained 25 lbs from my lowest weight.

I is a Sad Panda

sad panda

But that’s ok.  I’m on the road to recovery and in a better place mentally for it.

I started the low carbs diet, reduced calorie intake and jumped back on the treadmill for 30 minute medium paced walking sessions, 4 times a week.

Last week I started at 195 lbs.  Today, I’m down 3 lbs.

I’m determined to keep that scale going in the right direction.  Because not only is it for health and looks, but it’s for my back.  Apparently, as my herniated disc so skillfully told me, my spine can’t take being severely overweight.  So unless I want to end up back in Painville, I lose and maintain the health.

Moving to Idaho, Done with California

Goodbye California

I am a native of California. I was born and raised in the Los Angeles area.

I am moving to Boise, Idaho.

Why Boise and why the move?  Here is why:

  • Family and friends are there:

Yes, we have close friends of the family and actual family who live there.  That helps for getting to know a new place.  Also, my older sister live just a few hours away, in Montana. Win-Win!

  • My own family finally decided to make the move:

Finally…FINALLY! everyone is on board.  That makes things easier for me since my family is my help with things and as much as their personalities really rack my nerves, they are still blood.  Of course, the move wasn’t set in stone until my sister lost her job for the 2nd time in under a 2 year period and couldn’t find another and realized the neighborhood her condo is in is going down the crapper.  And she got a pretty little penny with the sale of her home….more than enough for a sizable down payment on a house in Boise that is bigger than her condo and plus a back yard and minus the drug dealers next door.  She’s sitting pretty and honestly, I’m happy for her. She’s been through a lot, owning a home here.

  • Cost of living:

Uh…obvious. California is no longer livable to those who are not a) super rich and b) super poor.  Meaning middle class gets the boot.  Just as one example, my 755 Sq. Ft. 2 bedroom apartment costs $1,557 a month.  From my research, on average, a 780 Sq Ft 2 bedroom apartment is about $780…..do the math.

  • Jobs….the lack thereof here and the overwhelming response to my resume in Boise

It really is unbelievable how my resume, received SO many responses and the same for my sister.  Here, they received nothing.  I’ve had responses from Boise PD (as a civilian clerk) and various law firms (legal secretary is my preference or back into a P.D.)  The funny thing is…the pay for some of these jobs, is just about the same as here in California.  That coupled with the lower cost of living would be phenomenal!  My sister got a response to her resume in Boise and they offered her the SAME amount as what she was getting paid here!  That really does say a world….no a universe of things.

  • Schooling and The Boy

I have the Boy to think about and luckily, he is all for this move.  Mainly it’s because Boise has an awesome ice Hockey program and great minor league there.  The scores on all the schools are really good.

Now I know there are downfalls and I’m sure we’ll run into them but I’m done living here.  What I find interested is that since this decision has finally been made and the wheels are turning for the move, things are literally falling into place, piece by piece.  My sister sold her house within a day of putting it on the market and she got the asking price.  I receive responses from many city jobs in Boise, especially the P.D.

I’ve hated it here for a while and I think a lot of living here has contributed to my stress and the stress contributed to my recent back and leg issues.  I am done with illegals taking over this state (yes, I said it…close the damn borders). I can’t even enjoy the places I used to in the past, such as Disneyland because people are just assholes.  Yes, I know, stupid people will be everywhere.  I’m not dumb to that.  And I’m done paying through the nose for an average life with people who just get handouts for free because they didn’t do it the right way.  I’m just done.

Come with me…on a Journey through Painville, Population 1

First, yes it’s me. Me, the one who blogged all the time.  The one who eventually stopped posting and now I realize my last visit here was in February.

That was before I experienced something new, something horrifying and something that has me traumatized for the rest of my life.

Let’s go back…back to when I thought I would lose my mind.

February 2015….

“What is this weird twinge behind my right thigh.  It feels like a pinch or a tweak when I bend over.  Ah well, I will ignore it. It will go….away…”

Mid-March 2015

“Ok, it didn’t go away. It’s getting worse. I better head to my chiro”

And that is when I started my 3 1/2 months off work and 3 1/2 months of pain equivalent or possible worse, than childbirth.

By Mid-March, I went off work on medical leave and started going to a family Chiropractor.  He knew what was causing the problem but he didn’t have the proper equipment to fix it.

By April, I realized that pain was my everyday life.  I woke up to it.  I went to bed with it.  Mornings were the worst. I get up from bed, (lying was the only pain relief, unless it throbbed), I would try to stand and the pain was horrendous.  It would radiate from the back of my thigh down my leg, behind my knee, on through to my calf.  A spasm like I was being electrocuted, stabbed and ripped apart at the same time.  This also occurred anytime I tried to get up from a sitting position or getting out of the car.  Getting INTO a car, especially to drive, was impossible.  There were times, being that I had to drive myself to therapy, I would get in crying…and not “ow it hurts” crying…I was screaming in pain.

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Let me just interject here…if anyone reading this KNEW me…I don’t do things like scream in pain.  Yes, I will admit that I have a low tolerance for pain but to actually scream in it….that is not in my nature because that would bring attention to myself and I don’t like having attention being brought to myself.

My life stopped.  I could not longer take care of my child.  He had to start walking to and from school, alone, because I could no longer drive him.  I could no longer drive in my new dream car I had just purchase weeks before this happened.  I missed out going to LEGOLAND for his birthday, I couldn’t move let alone drive out there.  I showered less (yuck, I know), but that was because just stepping INTO the shower was torture and just getting up from a lying position was torture.  Sneezing, was painful. Coughing was painful, and don’t ask me about going to the bathroom…I couldn’t even sit without screaming let alone wipe my own ass!

Then there was my family, my mother and sister….I will just say that after all this…I will never expect sympathy from them…ever.  I just know that I would never have told someone in as much OBVIOUS pain as I was to “get over it”.  It really taught me a lot about their personalities that I will choose to ignore.

By the end of April, I FINALLY get my doctor to refer me to an MRI.

The MRI shows this:

Herniated Disc

Herniated Disc at L5 with a slight herniation just above, it’s at the bottom of the picture, the dark disc poking into that white area which is the nerve, causing the Sciatica pain

WebMD describes Sciatica pain:

Sciatica is pain, tingling, or numbness produced by an irritation of the nerve roots that lead to the sciatic nerve. The sciatic nerve is formed by the nerve roots coming out of the spinal cord into the lower back. It goes down through the buttock, then its branches extend down the back of the leg to the ankle and foot.

Emphasis on PAIN.  There was never tingling or numbness or maybe I was in to much pain to notice it. But yes, it went down my leg, behind my thigh, behind my knee then down my back calf.  I couldn’t move, walk, sit for more than 1 minute or sleep in any position other than on my back, crying.

The doctor prescribed me 800mg Ibuprofen…it did nothing.

The doctor prescribed Codone.  It would knock me out but it worked, because I was knocked out.  Or sometimes…it wouldn’t even work.

Like I said above, life was not worth living. Every morning I dreaded opening my eyes and deep inside, when I would go to sleep, I wished that God would just take me, so I wouldn’t have to wake up to that pain again.

My doctor referred me to a Neurosurgeon who said, after viewing my MRI that Epidural Injections would be the next step.

thCAEH5CP4Hmm…ok…I did my research and the side effects I read about were atrocious!  Numbness, piercing pain and in the worst cases, severe spinal damage!  Uh….no thanks!   Let alone the fact that Epidural Injections do not fix the herniated disc problem…only throws steroids right onto the nerve it’s pinching to numb it. Then when it wears off, I’m back in again for another round of a big needle getting stuck into my spine. And what..? That gets done for the rest of my life?

Well, no….because then it was surgery.

Screw that…..I’m fucking 38! Back surgery?

I searched and found my answer.  There was a chiropractor, just a block from my job and a few miles from my  home that did Spinal Decompression and the DRX Table.  Now this is not the inversion table where you hang upside down.  This table pulls the spine and over time, opens it up so that the disc can be less compressed and be allowed the water and fluids it needs.

I started that on May 22nd.  Let’s look at the timeline here.

February – Pain begins behind my thigh

March – this might be more than I think…let’s see the Chiro

April – FINALLY get an MRI after asking my primary physician not once but TWICE for it (the first time, the doctor denied me, outright).

May – pain pain pain and told by Neurosurgeon that Epidural Steroid Injections were the only way…..then surgery.

So I’ve done my research, rejected the Injections because paralization does not appeal to me (being a bit dramatic there but you get my point) and surgery is also not an option.

DRX MachineI start my $2000 session on the DRX table of twenty sessions lasting 30 minutes each and done 3-4 times a week, to start. Lucky for me, this chiro, was a relative by marriage, and I got a discount but I still owe $1500, at the present time. Blegh.

So about 10 sessions in, the Chiro says I should be experiencing less pain and I’m not.  At this point, I’m more panicked than when this all started because if this machine, which was my last resort, didn’t work, I would pretty much be crippled for life.  Because that is what I was this whole time…crippled.  Couldn’t walk, stand, sit, couldn’t take care of my kid or even myself and never returning to work again.  All I knew was pain.

Bless my Chiro’s heart…he came to my rescue.  He said that the disc probably wasn’t responding because not only was it herniated, as the MRI showed, but is probably also so dried out from not getting water and oxygen for so long from being compressed.  The machine may be opening up my spine but the disc is un-movable.

He offers a solution.  I would straddled on the chiro table, like straddling a horse, then he would sit behind me, my back facing him and he would place his thumbs on the disc in my lower back…..and push his thumbs into the disc to move it and loosen the muscles around.  He did this while I bent forward and back, forward and back about 10 times.  This movement and pushing that disc also pushed the disc right into the nerve.

The first time he did that, the pain was so bad, I almost passed out.  My leg…was on fire and getting electrocuted at the same time.  I was crying so bad, there, in his office, that I couldn’t breathe.  I was doing that cry where you just whimper and whimper and your breathing gets shallow.  He gave me some tissue and promised it would be better.  The pain took over so much that I didn’t care I was crying, nose running, eyes swollen, in front of a complete stranger, even if he was a doctor and has seen this before.  Later on, I realized what I must have looked like and became embarrassed.

We continued those “thumb pushing” sessions over the next 10 times I did the DRX Machine.  Each time, was not as bad as the time before, yet still painful.

Then….one day……..the nerve pain, was GONE!

Last week was the last DRX machine session and thumb compressions and I had full movement with no radiating nerve pain, at all.

phototake_rm_photo_of_piriformis_muscleMy sessions on the machine are now over and we are now just working on severely tight butt muscles and hamstring.  Apparently, I’m dealing with a bit of a tight piriformis muscle which is the muscle found deep inside the buttocks.  It connects the lower spine to the upper thighbone and runs DIRECTLY over the sciatic nerve.  However, it really just feels like I have a tight butt muscle….kinda funny really.  Also, my lower back will get tight sometimes and I have to step away from my desk to do little stretches.  And I still get aching behind my knee and in my calf.  But usually a good stretch will work it out.

However, this is NOTHING like what I was feeling back in April and May…..nothing like it at all.

I am getting massages to work out the muscles and I stretch EVERY day. In the morning, I stretch my legs, do spine stretching yoga poses and especially stretch the piriformis muscle in my backside.

In the evening, I do stretches again and I’m back on the treadmill, power walking.  I believe that my running and elliptical days…are over.  However, this ordeal, cost me 25 lbs of weight gain from my 2 year journey of 70 lbs of weight loss….blegh with a side of blegh and blegh to drink.  More on that in a future post.

The chiro did say that I will need to be careful from here on out.  Hence my running and elliptical days being over.  I am now more probable to get Degenerative disc disease (breakdown of discs, which act as cushions between the vertebrae), since the disc, even though it’s better, has been compressed and dried out.  It could happen again and it could take the spinal bones with it to Deadville.  But that is more likely if I don’t stay in tune with what I’m feeling and I don’t keep up my stretches and keep my weight down.

I was asked many time about how I got a herniated disc…

Where you in a car accident?”, No

Did you have a fall?” No

Do you work in a place where you are constantly bending over or lifting heavy things?” Uh…NO!

So what caused this?

Not a damned thing.  Well, not the typical things.  Personally, I believe it was all the extra weight I had been carrying all the years in my life.  I think being overweight has had so many unhealthy side effects that even after losing so much weight, I couldn’t escape it.

Psychological Consequences of this Journey

All of the above was just the surface of how I was physically.  Mentally, is a whole another ball of wax.  I will just say that living a life, even if it was just 3 months, of constant pain, almost pushed me over the edge of the Cliffs of Insanity.

Cliffs of Insanity

I believe somewhere in-between getting told I just need Epidural Shots and worrying about those side affects and doing hands on therapy where the pain was blinding to actually waking up one day with no pain after months of constant pain, I literally wanted to die.  The psychological aspects of this is indescribable.

But Consequences can also come in a positive form.  I really believed that I had little to no tolerance of physical pain.  Yet, I made it to the end of this journey, after the worst pain I’ve ever experienced, even worse than Childbirth, or maybe just a different kind.  But I did it. I pushed my way through moment after moment of constant pain. And I am still here.

Also, I found that yelling, which is what I used to do a lot with my kid, was painful during this ordeal.  I literally couldn’t do anything that would cause the nerve to spasm and funny enough, yelling did that.  I have since mellowed out my mood and personality.  However, sneezing and coughing also was painful so I’m traumatized in that every time I feel a sneeze coming on, my body tenses for pain, but it doesn’t come.  I’m sure that anxiety will pass with time.

But the deadly combination that had me staring into the darkness of hopelessness was that of the utter physical pain and the LONLINESS of it all.  I had not one person to comfort me, rub my back, hold me…nothing.  I’m typing this out now, thinking back on how utterly devastating that feeling was and I can feel my soul diving into that lonely place again where I realize, I still have no one.

YET, I still made it through the other side.  I made it through the pain. Then the loneliness of the pain, dealing with the pain alone, crying alone. I made it. And that is ok.

Hello Darkness, my old friend….

I want today to be opposite day. Therefore, that title reflects what my emotions are not feeling at this exact moment.spongebob_squarepants__opposite_day_by_masterof4elements-d79856c

And from what I’ve learned in the 38 years I’ve been on this planet, those feelings will probably change within the next few moments. But for now, let’s revel in them.

I’m back in the proverbial saddle. Or trying to be anyway. I have brushed up my looks again, I’ve got makeup on my eyes (well eyeliner and mascara anyway) and I’m back into the clothes I feel good in. I’m trying…yet again.lonely,text,quotes,loneliness,typography,my,point,of,,view-bab1b35315564a3da5fbafba4550c8b6_h

And what has the cycle been? Why the fire in my belly to try to look half way beautiful…..? I think we can all assume why and the elimination of LONLINESS is the key.

Humans crave other humans. Whether it be to hate another human, to love another human, or just to appreciate the way another human looks. I would like to say that my sole reason for existing on this planet (hardy har har, God, very funny….) is to fall into all of these categories as there is always a thin line between love and hate for me.

I have just made a bold move, not only moments before typing this, that gave me a gushing wave of confidence that I haven’t felt in YEARS.  And the smile that resulted in my bold offer (of a phone number) just about sent me over the edge.

Yes, I need that much acceptance, deal with it.

UntitledAnyway, we shall see. I’m tired of my roads all leading to dead ends or four way Stops that no one wants to go next at.

I’m just done with that and I’m taking my camera and photographing all that I can (because hey, I’m actually good at that photography shit).

Until then…I’ll wait for the rejection, which always surely tends to come.

I run because I hate my body…..

If anyone has every ventured onto the Network TLC they may recognize the show “My 600 lb Life”. These stories are sad yet so true. The torment that goes on with someone who struggles with weight and relationships with food can be devastating. And it is a life long struggle, not a quick fix….life f-ing long

I am one of them. No, I didn’t have 300+ lbs to lose….only about 100 at the most. After two years of constantly monitoring what I put into my face, after two years of working out regularly (meaning 3-4 times a week), after two years of yelling at the donuts and bread bowls that literally prance their irresistibility at me, I’m steady at a 65-70 lb loss. Maintaining it is the worst, let alone trying to lose the last 30 to get to 100 lbs total lost.

I now understand why thin and fit people don’t eat and why exercise is a daily part of their daily routine. It HAS to be. It literally HAS to be. That is unless, one is magically born with metabolism faster than the speed of light. I never adopted that ability and as I get older, my metabolism dwindles to the speed of grass growing.

However, do not think that I am in any way complaining. In fact, it is the quite opposite. Losing this much weight and changing living habits and food choices has shown a whole different side of myself I never knew in my 38 years of being on this planet.

7ea8ded7acfc79dbc93c538b291d7e18So to explain the title of this post, “I run because I hate my body” yes, that is true. I hate my body. I hate and I’m so MAD at the gene pool I was given. This pool is filled with obesity, diabetes, cancer, alcoholism, Alzheimer’s and many more of the life threatening ailments that can kill a person. I fight genetics daily or at least try to because there are some things that I can’t help. But what I CAN help…I will do my best to help. I yell at the donuts that are by my coffee pot at work. I muster all my energy to go on that 2 mile run each day and find the tools to make it just a bit easier…..but only just a bit.

One of those tools is a wonderful app that I’ve discovered called Zombies Run!  unnamedCA3G3JZCThis has to be the best migration of making exercise an actual GAME. It’s like the gamer’s dream come true! Well it was THIS gamer’s dream come true anyway. But go look …..you’ll see what I mean. I use that app on every run I go on and evade the Zombies as I go. It was the best $3.99 I’ve spent in the Google Play store…ever!

Another tool I use from this modern world age of technology is Fitness Pal.unnamedCA6ELWCV  It is a calorie counter and if I’ve learned only one thing on this journey it is that if one were to monitor every single thing put into their mouth….one would realize how much junk is going into their body. It really is an eye opener.

However, I think after these two years, it’s nice to know that I am a runner…even though I thought I wasn’t. I’m up to running for up to 10 minutes at a time. Granted, it is more of a jog at about 4.0 pace but I’m telling you, that Zombies Run! Game helps! Every once in a while, Zombies will chase me and I have to speed it up and I pick up necessary supplies for my base camp as I run. Helps to keep motivation at it’s highest and helps the time go by faster, that is for sure.

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But basically ….this….all in good humour!

I will continue to try and lose the last 30 lbs to get to my goal weight but for now.  I don’t think I want to ever see 250 lbs again…ever…..ever.

Of course, I’m still attending to and raising The Boy.  He has now switched from wanting to play Hockey to now wanting to start Baseball.  I got him into a Little League just last week and he starts in March.  I live to serve that kid…..brat!  Naw…I would do anything for that….brat! Ha! He’s my world!

I’m not dating, nor do I think I ever will.  I have come to realize that, apparently, a woman who is the following is not attractive to men at all:

1) A women who would rather go to a Lord of The Rings Movie AND knows all the lore and back story than make a man go shoe shopping AND hold her purse, is not attractive.

2) A woman who would rather play video games on the Xbox One is not attractive.

3) A woman who is not that bad looking and now has a pretty good body is not attractive.

I have just pretty much described myself.  I am such a geek/gamer “know all the history of The Walking Dead, Marvel characters AND most video games” woman that I even blow my own mind! Go ahead, ask me anything about Legend of Zelda.  I don’t care how it looks!

It is incredible that I haven’t snatched up some guy.  Nope…apparently men like the ditzy blondes with big boobs (even though I can claim that to…) and no brains (that is something I will never claim though).  If that is the case, they shouldn’t complain when that ditzy blonde makes you go shoe shopping.  I guess they will do what ever other man (and woman to for that matter) will do…cheat.

So no, I will never date….because apparently, I’m TO much of a geek.  I guess?

And this……………Gamestop………….is SOOO true.  But I swear male heads explode when I say I ALSO am a Pro Rewards Member…..sheesh…..

I would like to close this post with one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite movies.

League of their own quote

In the Zombie Apocolypse, there is no money…

Rose Smith: Money. I hate, loathe, despise and abominate money.

Mr. Alonzo Smith: You also spend it.

Meet Me In St. Louis, 1944

money

That about sums it up for me.  I really hate money, yet I need to spend it.  I can NOT seem to get on top of my finances.  It seems like everywhere I turn money is slipping through my fingers.  And you would think, “Oh she’s spending it on herself getting her hair and nails done…”…NOPE!

Per month, roughly….I spend:

A couple hundred on Hockey lessons, for The Boy

Another couple hundred on hockey gear, for The Boy

A couple hundred for before and after school care so I can work to pay for the before and after school care.

A couple more hundred on school PTA because he HAD to have the Knotts Tickets that come with the payment, among other things. (but that was actually only this month)

A couple more hundred on food which The Boy consumes within days forcing me to spend another couple hundred only days later.

A couple more hundred on shoes and accessories that The Boy MUST have (like $60 Adidas shoes).

Do you see the pattern?

Oh and then somewhere in there I pay $1200 rent on the 755 square foot cracker box I live in, utilities (Fuck You Verizon FIOS and Verizon Wireless and your over priced crap service), and a car payment on a piece of crap VW, which is also over priced.

Lastly, I buy my cat the cheapest cat food I can find. Friskies, seems to be the winner lately.

friskies

What’s left for me? A trip to the Goodwill for some used $3 tops so I don’t go to work naked or I take charity from my sister’s closet of clothes she no longer wears.  I’ve given up on trying to eat any kind of solid food that isn’t snacks or left over food from big-wig lunch meetings that I can beg scraps for.  Hence my current and probably on-going weight loss and stomach ulcers.  Also, hair that desperately needs to be trimmed yet, grows past my waist, because I can’t cut it myself and can’t afford to go to a salon.  So I let it just grow.  Just call me friggin Rapunzel!

iceAnd this is just the tip of the iceberg on my money issues.  There are odds and ends that I am always digging into my pockets for that just drive the knife deeper.  The kicker is, I do get child support, I have a pretty good paying job…you would think the problem is my budgeting….

Nope, it’s that I live in the worst state in this union when it comes to finances, over priced housing, taxes etc.  I hate it here and want to move so desperately.

So yeah, I hate loathe and despise money, but even though I don’t want to, I spend it. OR rather my 10 year old kid spends it.

He will be getting a job as soon as he is of legal age. That is for damned sure!

Lord Jesus give me the strength…

Today, during my lunch hour, as I was pumping gas into my car, a young man, about 19 or 20, maybe younger, walked up to me asking for 75 cents to get a bus ride to his Aunt’s house.  I asked him how he ended up in this city and why he couldn’t live with his Aunt.  He shook his head and said he was homeless.  I honestly thought this kid had to have been a teen.  He looked like a high schooler.

But I didn’t see a young stranger…I saw my son.  I thought to myself, “If something happened to me and there was NO one to take care of my son, I would not want my son to have to be reduced to pan-handling and I would hope someone would give him charity.”

I gave that kid all the cash I had in my wallet.

I just saw a small little boy in this kid.  A part of me wanted to give him my number and take him out to dinner!  I knew that wasn’t possible though because even though good people want to do good things, bad people will always prevail.  And I didn’t even know if this boy was telling me the truth at all.  For all I know, he could have turned around and took the cash I handed him to the liquor store.  As it was, he took my money, but he did say thank you as I told him “God Bless” and then he said thank you again, then ran off across the street.

06956-TrkyChdrSub-032414I came back to work, sat at my desk, and looked at the Lunchables that I had gone out of my way to buy at the Vons (where this gas station was) for my own Boy, because he likes Lunchables as a treat.  I stared at the Lunchables, with their Hershey’s Kisses, sub sandwich and Capri Sun and told myself that I am doing good for that kid and it is my job to make sure he knows it.  If there is one thing that I am trying to keep out of that boy, it is ungratefulness.

Because the Lord giveth…and…the Lord can taketh away.

I came back to my desk, at work, and prayed to God that I may have touched that poor boy’s life regardless if he took my money and went to a liquor store or if he truly did need to get to his Aunt’s house.  Even if it was only because I talked to him rather than shoo him off like I’m sure most have.  I can only hope that he was telling the truth and he was just trying to get a bus ride to his Aunt’s.  It is beyond me now.

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My heart aches for the pain and suffering in this world.  My heart aches for those who feel that it’s over.  This stems from the news of Robin Williams.  I’ve seen many a celebrity die in tragic ways during my lifetime but this one…this one hurt my heart.

The depth of depression is nothing that any human on this planet could fathom, even the person who is dealing with it.  It is a disease that warps our reality and rules our minds.  To personify it, I would think, in the worst cases that more than likely end in the person thinking death is the only way out, it makes their world look upside down.  Almost like Alice through the Looking Glass.  Everything is wrong, up is down and down is up.  That has got to be awful.  And the sadness. The overwhelming sadness.  I know that I have my bouts of depression but I find my way out.  I feel for those who can’t crawl out of the hole that depression digs.

As I’ve always said, it would be like being sucked into The Nothing, where the only thing left behind is the pain and sorrow of the darkness of….well, of there being NOTHING.

Out of all the tributes that every other celebrity made, I liked Jimmy Fallon’s the best and in the comedic way that Robin was all about…

Jimmy Fallon Tribute to Robin Williams

While only God can know what Mr. Williams was thinking during his last breath, I would like to hope that he is now making God laugh with his antics.

We are only on this earth for a short time, then we will all meet again under the righteousness of our Lord.

 

 

We are only here for a short time….

That is what I keep telling myself…’This is temporary…This is temporary”

It may seem that I left this blog by the wayside and perhaps I have.

In the weight department, I have been at a steady and maintained weight loss of 75lbs. Sometimes it goes up…then I bring it right back down. I am now conscious of when I start to gain a pound or two and make sure that it comes back down. As of right now…I’m up a bit but I will bring it right back down. I have been keeping exercise as a regular part of my routine at 3-4 times a week, 30 minutes on the elliptical or bike and weight lifting. I am pretty much carb free but sneak the occasional dinner roll or fry here and there. But 98% of my food choices do not include carbs in any form. I am going to finish up my last two weeks at the medical clinic and then I’m going to switch to another facility which is just around the corner from my office building and I can visit for my vitamin injections during my lunch hour.  I want to start fresh at a new place, from my current weight.  I still have about 30 pounds to lose although I may try and go as far as losing another 50 lbs bringing me down to about 120 lbs at 5 feet 4 inches height.  I started this journey May 4, 2013 and will never look back.  After a year, I will start fresh and these will be my new goals:

Height:  5 ft, 4 in
Current Weight:  178 lb  (give or take)
Healthy weight range:  117-146 lb
Current BMI:  31
Healthy BMI range:  20-25

MjAxMy1lYjAyZjhlYThkZWIyNGUwWork has not been so good.  I am currently dealing with a boss who yells, argues and screams at me, on the phone, or to anyone he’s talking to.  I’ve documented it with H.R. and that is all I can really do.  He also burps all the time, farts in front of me (his office constantly smells like butt) and I literally have to leave the area when he eats lunch because he’s SO loud with his chomping and slurping that it makes me physically ill.  I made the mistake once of walking into his office while he was eating lunch and let me just say, the spaghetti sauce was ALL over his mouth….all…over.  And by the way, this is a 58 year old man.  He is disgusting.  My solution, since I need a paycheck and can’t quit, is to completely shut down any interaction with him.  Basically, I avoid him at all costs.  Communication is mostly through emails.  It’s working out, for the most part.

But the worst was about 1 ½ months ago, when somehow, an un-authorized person snuck into the buildings and stole 3 wallets straight from purses sitting on cubicles.  My wallet was one of them.  I’m very disappointed in how my employer handled the situation.  But I have to put up with all of this because eating is not an option.  I will say it really takes its toll on me.  The stress is beginning to affect my stomach.  I’m pretty sure I have IBS but I need to go to my Dr. to get him to diagnose me but from what I’ve read, I’m sure that’s it.  On my own, I’m starting probiotics and cutting back on the coffee…(*sorta* teehee).  But my appetite and eating is pretty much null and void.  I have no desire for food as I used to over a year ago.  But that’s fine with me.

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My farm….

I have become mildly obsessed with Farmville 2: Country Escape.  Yes, yes I have. I’m farming and harvesting and creating yummy foods such as cakes, pies and fish that sometimes just playing the game brings my appetite back! It’s funny.  Anyway, look up cpamorain@gmail.com on Google Games and that would be me. It should be listed as one of my games that I’m getting achievements from.

Rejection-Investors-Startup--790x391I have officially given up on finding someone, a companion to walk with me and beside me for the rest of my life.  After putting myself out there for a bit…the rejection, even after becoming physically attractive (or so I thought the weight loss would help) is unbearable.  I was never one to react positively from rejection.Plain Jane

I’ve had a series of revelations. There was a time that I firmly believed that my over weight issue was what kept me unattractive and plain.  I have since come to find out, it was never the weight.  I will admit to being a “Plain Jane” and nothing that turns heads.  Hell, I’ll be lucky if I can get another human being to even acknowledge that I exist.  Beyond that, there is something about my personality that makes others turn away.  I am not all alone for no reason.  I should wear a sign that says “does not play well with others”.  The weight is gone and still, I’m a nobody.

I barely exist to anyone.  My son just sees me as a bank to make sure he has what he needs and a disciplinary who stops him from having “fun”.  Although I firmly believe that I am the coolest mom on the planet.   Just recently, he started becoming interested in Superman comics and we found a great Comic Book store near our apartment that I take him to (when he acts good) and I get him comics to his hearts desire.  Now tell me, how many mothers will get down on their hands and knees digging through boxes of back issues of Superman comics in a local comic book store, to find the right Superman comic for their 10 year old son.  We are not many, us cool moms.  I love it though.  I’ve always been a geek at heart.

Mario KartI also visited just about every McDonald’s in the area JUST to get The Boy his last Mario Kart toys from there.  They were the Happy Meal toys and he was only  missing three.  I found two out of the three he was missing.  I couldn’t find Donkey Kong.Beanie Babys

I will admit…I did get some of the Beanie Babies (the “Girl” toy) for myself…they were so cute!

But this all proves this theory: That kid…is my entire reason for existing…my entire…..reason.

My parents barely know I exist beyond giving them their most precious grandchild. I’m just waiting for my father’s impending progression of Alzheimer’s to finally kick in and he won’t know who I am, at all.  Until then, he just can’t talk.  But both my parents pretty much ignore me more now than they ever did.   My younger sister….*sigh*…her and I are just not on the same page about morals and standards in life and are having serious personality conflicts.  It really does break my heart but she is the most stubborn and unforgiving person I know.  She also needs to think before she speaks just as a common human courtesy.  I also think she resents me for my weight loss but that is just speculation.  She is going down the path of physical self sabotage and gaining SO much weight and I worry for her health.  She is pre-diabetic, has thyroid issues and back problems.  She really needs to lose about 100 lbs, for health reason alone!   I know that she holds some resentment towards me just by being in the same room with her because we’ve both been fat our whole lives.  This journey is a lifetime change and she is all about the “3-day cleanse” diets.  That doesn’t work for us.  It’s a lifetime thing.  My older sister, well I never had a real relationship with her as we didn’t grow up together.  I have no friends and barely know a handful of relatives.

liar_liar_pants_on_fireI tried the dating thing and it just didn’t work. There was always someone better than me or, as I’ve come to realize, most men, especially the so called “Christian” ones, are all liars.  The amount of liars and hypocrites I’ve run into in the approximately 8 months I’ve tried dating is outstanding and absolutely incredible.  Guys that say “I’m looking for a Christian woman, with standards and values……” then turn around and want to jump in the sack…uh…no….?  Or you get the ones who really like that I’m a sports fanatic and would rather go to a good baseball or hockey event than shop for shoes, then drop me like I have leprosy to pursue someone who, surprise…..surprise, is eye candy for them to hang off their arm.  Pathetic…. Men, are a lost cause, especially at this age.  I’m done with them and their lies, arrogance and hypocrisy.

And after that evaluation, I really will be brutally honest and admit that for me, death cannot come fast enough.

Now let me explain that statement.

The Bible tells us that Christians will be with Jesus the instant they die.

In 2 Corinthians 5:8 the Apostle Paul even longed for death because he knew it would take him into the presence of Jesus.  He said,  “We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord. “

In Luke 23:43 Jesus tells the thief dying on the cross, “Verily I say unto thee, Today shalt thou be with Me in Paradise.”

I just want to be with Jesus, where there is no pain, physical or mental or emotional.  This life is temporary and full of heartache and sorrow and sometimes, it’s a bit to much.  But I do not condone murder, so when I say that, I mean that getting older only carries for me regret that I didn’t live my younger years with more wisdom.  I sometimes feel I have nothing to teach my son yet, on the flip side, I have everything to teach him because of my mistakes that I learned from.  I know that he alone, is the only reason I exist on this planet.  Well him and the fear of the eternal consequences of murder (because, yes, suicide is murder and God gave us each our paths for a reason).

So please, no comments like “you need to seek counseling blah blah blah”.  I’m not going to off myself.  I just can’t wait to be in a happier place when this life walk is over.  The end of this physical life in this physical skin will be such a welcome to me.

thCAAVBAA6

I used to blame God for my loneliness and be petrified of dying, but I can’t feel that way anymore.  It was I who made my choices. The only “blame” that can go towards God is that He gave humans the ability to choose right from wrong.  He only shows us the paths and we must choose to walk the proper one.  I did not  with the choices I made, out of rebellion and spite and now I suffer the consequences by dealing with loneliness and the harsh reality that for however many more years I have on this planet, they will be utterly and totally, alone.

So, in essence, since my last posts in here of our wonderful day trip to Hearst Castle to my constant battle with loneliness, it hasn’t gotten much better.  There are good days and bad days.  There are days when my family really get on my last nerve and I’m done with them.  But for the most part, I spend most of my time with The Boy and just prepare myself for the day when he will jump on the bandwagon, and also reject me somewhere down the line.  Then I will be utterly and truly alone and my battle between living and being patience for God’s time for Him to call me to His Kingdom, will truly begin.

Or, it might not end up that way because I have also learned that I am not the one making the path.  I just follow what is right and how believe.  I will enjoy my son and teach him the best I can.  He starts school a week from Monday and will be entering the 5th grade.  I’m taking him to a Dodger game on Sunday as a “End of the Summer” last fun thing to do and a night at a fun restaurant in Pasadena where you throw your peanut shells on the floor.  I’ve already been to two Dodger games this summer, one with my sister and my kid and one with my sister, kid, and my parents and I think I just want to be with my kid now.  Sometimes, they are all to much for me to handle and my patience is pushed to it’s limits.

But I constantly do question one thing about my faith.  If Jesus died for us and forgave us, why do the sins of our past hurt us in our present?  I guess I should talk to a pastor about that but I try to figure things out on my own.

Fine….

*sigh*

I decided that my situation is what it is.

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I am home today because I dont have money to put gas in my car.....

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I'm mutilating friendship because I'm an attention whore....

I walked The Boy to school, dropped him off, then I kept walking for another hour around the neighborhood. I walked and walked. Then I realized, my legs felt like they were going to fall off and that I actually could have walked to the moon if I hadnt been jerked back into reality. I promptly returned back home and I’m now sitting here, drinking a smoothie, with a migraine developing wondering why I’m still here and wondering if The Nothing will ever just win.

Easter, He died for me and my loneliness

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Dear God,

I’m a little angry again…..here are some random thoughts for You to answer, please. If You choose to keep me floundering some more, so be it.

I will never understand that if Jesus died for my sins, why do the sins still hurt. Not physical pain, as I would take that over this but emotional loneliness. I do not wish to throw our Savior’s sacrifice back in His face. I would not dare be so blasphemous. But the pain in my heart, is unbearable. If my sins are forgiven, why is there still pain?

In church, a beautiful baby was sitting next to me with his two parents. For the first time, I wanted to scream out in pain. It hurt to realize that I will never have another baby again. I love The Boy but this urge or mid life crisis or my clock ticking for another baby, is getting harder to deal with. I was made to have babies but because I couldn’t find a decent man who wants the same, I will be deprived of more children.

I am mad.

In church, the Pastor says “Trust in God”. Ok, so I should trust that God is making me walk an uttrly lonely life for a reason? Doesn’t God want us to find love, have children, praise Him and have a home based on Him? God made me, knew me before I was born, and then said “she will suffer a life of loneliness and unfulfillment…and I will sit back and laugh.”

Or so it seems…

I would like to hope not.

But, I am mad

The Pastor says: “God knows you. Do you know God?” Well apparently I’m not good enough to know Him! Apparently, I’m not worthy enough for Him to send me someone to comfort me……wait for it…..UNCONDITIONALLY. Thats right people, love is and actually can be unconditional.

The Pastor says, “Real love cares”…and he says if you really love someone you will love them today, tomorrow and forever, during all times. Love is a choice not a feeling.

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So, apparently there is NO ONE out there who will ever love me like that. The pain in the realization is horrifying….

The Pastor says “God says we need to give it to him”. Ok, God, then WHY did YOU give the loneliness to me?!!!? Answer me that, hmmm….?

So I just move on, day by day. Each day, lonelier than the next because no body wants me. No one will give me a chance.

It’s an awful realization that if I died tomorrow, not one person would care.

Lunar Eclipse

It’s 12:15 am and I’m here on my porch watching the Lunar Eclipse. The moon is now completely dark red.  It is super dark here on my porch meaning the moon really gives off some super light that we take for granted.

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I’m fascinated and enthralled yet, feel a little pang that I am not sharing this with anyone here next to me. I did wake up The Boy and he stumbled out to see it, said “that is awesome” then stumbled back into bed.

Regardless,  this was well worth staying up late. And oh my gosh…the moon is now COMPLETELY blood red!!!!
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“Laugh it up, Fuzzball…”

Apparently someone is laughing at me.

Maybe one of my multiple personalities is laughing at me.

All I know is that I was destined to be someones laughing stock.  I can’t help but think, it’s God.

I am sad today. I had to make the decision to not pursue a friendship with someone new.  My lot in life is to deal with my family, until death.  And I refuse to drag good people who deserve better, down with me.  I only encourage my son to run and run fast when he becomes of age…..run and RUN FAST!

I am sad.

So I work out.  I exercise and lift lots of weights.  I have no more hope or joy anymore but to keep losing weight.  It’s all I have control of.  Unless God decides to mess with that to, the one thing I still have control of in my life.

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Yes, that is a machine I use and yes, that is 70 lbs of weights.  I’m lifting as much weight as I’ve lost.  That is truly interesting.

We can’t choose our family, of course but I will never understand why God thought I could handle mine.  Some days I want to rip throats out.

And I will never understand why God thinks I’ll develop a stonger walk in His path when the family He’s given me chases away any person I associate myself with.

Shit….now I’m getting fucking MAD!

Can I just get drunk now? K, thanks!

And it continues…

thCAG72OOWI really thought that my mother and I were on the road to recovery. As I said in a previous post, I’ve learned to let a lot of her comments go through one ear and out the other because, for the most part, she says things to me just to either pick a fight or to shoot down my dreams.  Or sometimes, she’s just in a bad mood and lashes out at me because, well because she can.  It’s a free country and all.  Either way, I’ve learn to try and deal with the hurt that comes with her words but sometimes, it’s hard and last night’s conversation with her, was no exception.

I was concerned about the email I got from my sister, and I began to question whether I do gloat or boast about my weight loss, or meeting more positive new people.  I, most certainly do not want to come off as boastful when I am trying to be encouraging.

But you see, I’m still working on realizing when the problem sometimes doesn’t lie with me, but the OLD me sends me into a place that makes me question my actions.

So I made the mistake of asking my mother if that was the case.  I knew the minute the question left my mouth that it was a BIG mistake.  This opened up a door for her to enter the room of “let’s make sure we point out ALL you are doing wrong, while we are at it”.  And she even said…”well you asked the question”.

Yes, that’s right I did, but I’m still learning.

*Sigh*

It went something like this and I will jump in with points on how far fetched and ridiculous some of her comments are.  This is a real conversation.  I have made up nothing.  However, names and locations have been changed, to protect the innocent (and I hope that certain person doesn’t get offended that I’ve included them in this but no one knows who we are talking about anyway).

So here we go….

Me: Can I ask a question? Do I come off as boastful or show off with my weight loss?

Her: Well, you talk about it to much. You’re always saying how you are eating and what new size you are in.

Me: I may do that because I’ve never been in this place before in my life and I want to share.

Her: Well, you are always on recycle with your comments about your weight loss………

(then it began)….

Her: And now, you met this new person and what if you start to like him (I’ve known them for all of a little over a month. Jumping the gun a bit there?) and what are you going to do?  Are you going to take The Boy out of school, move to [a certain CA city]……are you going to move DOWN?!  And you haven’t been even going to church!

First, I have been going to church, I was just there last Sunday so she can leave that judgment at the door….and last I heard, I don’t have to answer to her regarding my church visits.

Second, let me explain the “Move…down” comment. I do not mean to offend anyone as these are NOT my words, nor my thoughts.

She means, that this certain city, where this church is that I want to visit and this new person who I’m befriending, is in a city that isn’t the best, although according to who, really depends.  I would never want to be associated with such a judgmental, non-humble type of thinking.  It’s disgusting.  And I find it very hard to keep my mind from wondering in the land of “what a hypocrite”.  Regardless, the snobbery that came out of that comment was appalling and really uncalled for considering; she lives in a pretty ghetto city herself.

Back to the conversation as the insults continue in the form of her thinking that I’m not putting The Boy first and, according to her, not feeding him…yes, she REALLY thinks I’m not FEEDING my child.

After the “moving down” comment…

Me: ..…….. (I decided that I would start biting my tongue after the “moving down” comment)

Her: The Boy doesn’t eat.  You need to feed him more vegetables and you shouldn’t feed him the Top Ramon.  (WTF?!?….last I knew, I’m the one who knows MY child best, lives with him and I’m constantly filling my fridge to accommodate his appetite).

Mkay so, the Top Ramon comment is because she saw 2 boxes of Top Ramon in my cabinet and laid in on me how that stuff is to salty and he shouldn’t be eating it every day.  First off, I agree, that stuff is super high in sodium.  Second, he doesn’t eat it every day.  Just like sweets, only in moderation.  But all she heard was “I’m feeding it to him morning noon and night”.

Also, to question that I’m not feeding him the proper nutrition, is just out right ridiculous.  I’m sorry, but WHO has lost 70 friggin pounds?  Again, I hate to come off boastful but the only way to lose that much weigh is to EAT….BETTER.  That means the items in my kitchen are not crap.  Hence, The Boy eats just fine.  Her theory, that I do not feed or that I feed my child crap, is severely faulty.

Going on….

Her: You are lying to me about something (……again, biting my tongue to bleeding at this point). You are lying about this new person you’ve met.

Me: (being VERY careful with my words at this point and just wanting to end this massacre of a conversation) Ok, I’m actually not lying about anything.  I’ve tried my best to be as truthful to all of you as possible in the positive way my faith and beliefs and attitude are going.  And that includes meeting new people who are on the same path as me.  I can’t predict the future so I can’t answer your “what if” questions.  I can only trust in God to know what is going to happen….

Her (Interrupting): *she laughs at my “trust in God” comment* Oh really?  Now you meet this new person and all the sudden you are all about God.

Me:  Um, well yes, even though God was already there but that is how fellowship with faithful people goes.  And it was always there…I just want it to grow.

Her:  You are hiding something from me about this new person. You think you are so smart but you still go back to lying and I’m not talking to you anymore.

thCA1QV66BI really am sick of being called a liar, at this point. If she wants to talk to a liar, she can go back to talking to her own sister.  I’m just flabbergasted because I’ve tried my BEST to be open and honest with my family as I’m not who I was a few years ago but that was just returned with my sister telling me to not talk about positive things around here because she is in a “bad place” and my mother with this conversation.  But this whole liar name calling is pushing my patience to its last limits as I’m pretty much done being called a liar, when I’m not.

Continuing…..

Me:  Well, what would you like to hear from me because all I can tell you is that positive new friends and a new church environment in my life is exactly what is going on. I have no hidden agenda.

Her (Interrupting):  You are being elusive and I’m going to hang up….

Me: Ok, but I can honestly tell you I’m not lying and want to resolve this in a……

She hangs up on me.

You know, going through the crux of that conversation again makes me actually, physically nauseated.

This woman…..*sigh*…..this woman has always been prone to these hissy fits when she doesn’t get her way.  It’s like an adult sized toddler tantrum.  Her and my sister are so much alike.  They seem to personify “Misery Loves Company” to perfection.  Yet, if I were to EVER tell them to just suck it up and have some faith, as both have told me oh so many times, I would literally, probably get beat down.  And I mean, literally, beat and then ostracized.

Welcome to my family.

welcome-family-wedding-ecard-someecards

It’s just a sad state of affairs and hurts my heart more than makes me angry.

Over the past several months, because of other family issues and things I don’t agree about with my parents, I’ve pulled away, ever so slowly and ever so slightly, from them.  I am a mother and I have to think of my own child and that Boy is my absolute world.  My parents are not in a good place right now.  Even considering that it is mostly not their fault due to . I will always be sympathetic that my mother had a hard life, yet that excuse is slowly becoming tiresome. My father, he no longer can communicate or put sentences together and the last I heard, his memory is fading even faster.

thCA0CE7JLI will only pray for them now.

I am not like my Aunt who is someone who says they are walking a Christian path yet are an out right pathological liar, manipulator and cheat. I’m trying REALLY hard to find a better place for myself in this world. I’m trying hard to surround myself with more positive people who are gung ho all out for God. That is my road. It may not be anyone else’s, but it is mine.

I’m just having a hard time admitting to myself and accepting that my family, may not be able to go where I’m going. So all I can do keep walking my path and pray that the way I’m going can influence them to see that they can walk with me to, eventually

And to throw all the trash of our pasts away and look toward the future. But until then, I must pull away from them even more, especially if my “positive” attitude becomes a stumbling block.

Can you just STOP being so positive and happy please?!?!

No, I did not tell what this post is titled to someone.

I was told this…by my own sister.

First, I must collect my thoughts before I go through with this post. As I move on in my life, I’m finding that my family, is the crux of where most of my pain comes.

After all that I did for my sister in our last family debacle, creating a response to our aunt that was so intricate and detailed it allowed my sister the upper hand which, in turn, settled the feathers a bit, I got a huge stab in the back by her….I’m reeling.

Today, in an email, I sent my sister a link to a great message from a Pastor from a church near me that I’ve come to like listening to.  In this certain message, he was speaking about something my sister has been dealing with.  Now, my sister is a Christian as well, so I know that this is not me Bible Beating.  However, I’m on a new more positive path to meeting new people who share the same beliefs as myself and I’m open to listening to messages from other churches.  I shared this message with my sister because I thought it would relate directly with her.

I got this response back from her:

I know you are excited about [meeting new people], and I know that I should be a better sister, but I am not really at a good place regarding relationships, and if you always talk about it you may start seeing me back away, especially since I have had no luck on the [certain Christian online dating site] (I started to think it is me).

It is nothing personal with you, I know you are happy to be going out and meeting new people (that’s a good thing), but that is why sometimes I don’t talk to some of my girlfriends is because that is all they start talking about is the guy that’s in their life and then their world revolves around that person, and they have no sympathy for the single gal. I know you have been a single gal for awhile so I am sure you understand.

I hope that does not hurt  your feelings, but I felt like I just needed to be honest, and I was going to tell you yesterday in person, but you seemed rushed to leave to meet mom and dad.  I hope that your friendship’s do turn into finding someone (you deserve it!), but I just ask that it is not all of your conversation with me.

First, it is NOT all of my conversation. My conversation is more along the lines of how people of faith have influenced my thoughts.  I’m actually trying hard to see where it is all of my conversation!  And honestly, why SHOULDN’T I always talk about something positive in my life such as meeting positive people, etc.?

I’m telling you my jaw is hitting the floor with all this.

Second, I think the bolded part, is what disturbs me the most.  Unless I’m coming from left field about this, she is basically saying “screw anyone who is in a happy relationship or in happy friendships and how dare they show that they are happy in front of me”.  I mean if someone is in a relationship why the HECK can’t their world revolve around them? I didn’t realize this was Planet My Sister where she made the rules?

You know, my mother has hurt me a lot in my past with similar comments as this and at some point during those hurtful moments, I honestly thought I deserved it.  But now I’m wondering if these two really just don’t ever want to see me happy?  I would never say that is for sure but I don’t know what to think anymore!  I’ve since forgiven her for alot of her painful words and have moved on.  But this, I really don’t know what to think of this but I know that I didn’t deserve this.

Or I’m just to sensitive and wear my dumb heart on my sleeve. But I know, in my heart, that if the tables were turned, if I were in her shoes, I would NEVER EVER, have said what she did in that email.  I would never have selfishly tried to bring her down.  I would have kept it to myself.

So unless, I’m completely off here, what I get from this is that if my sister sees me going in a positive direction, or actually being happy for once in my life, she does not want me to SHARE it with her, whether I give the Glory is to GOD or not.  She wants me to not talk about or be positive because SHE is in a bad place?

So, then, basically, she doesn’t want a relationship with me because my very presence may emit positivity?

Someone tell me I’m wrong in thinking that is the most SELFISH thing I’ve ever heard!

On top of how hurtful this all is, it’s amazing how she decides to see my positivity as gloating?  And being that I’ve lost a lot of weight and now weigh less than her, by a lot of pounds, just my very presence, as I mentioned above, is gloating.

I have been betrayed by the last of these people who I only share blood with.

I’m appalled…..yet, I’m so sad for where she is right now….so very sad but I refuse to be pulled into her Misery Buffet.

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Please leave your dramatics at the door….

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I just want a few hours in church, listening to His word, drama free of family crud. 

I will admit that I was a bit perturbed that I couldn’t even start my time in church without my mother telling me that I should leave her alone and not be concerned for her and her struggles.  This stemmed from her sharing with my sister and I even more news on how her step mother is not only disrespecting her but now my father.   NOW….that crosses many lines because regardless if my father is developing Alzheimer’s he deserves every ounce of respect from all in his house that his hard work created.

So, she doesn’t want us to say our opinon or be conernced……fine….it is done.

A new friend recently told me I must surround myself with positive, faithful people.  My sister is super positive and tries to share it.  My sister is a woman of faith and loves God.  My mother, she lets so many people walk all over her and then complains that she carries their burdens.  She is so hard to love sometimes, even though I do.  Her life experiences have burdened her tremendously, however, I don’t feel that I should carry that burden she  makes us carry with her, anymore and she refuses to give it up to God.  It’s almost like she WANTS to carry all these burdens because its easier to make others feel more sorry for her.

I’m trying to close some negative chapters in my life.  It may be time to abide by her request to just “leave me alone”, even if that includes breaking the interactions. 
I need to build my faith in GOD more and no longer rely on my family to lift me up.  My mother can’t give to me what God does.  God has come through for me so much, sometimes I miss when He does because I’m so wrapped up in dealing with this family drama.

No more….I am throwing all I can into building my Faith in God, teaching my son to build his faith in God, and surrounding myself with believers, which will strengethen my already weakened soul.

I love my mother, I love my father, but I can do nothing for them, anymore.   I can only pray for them, and walk away.

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“The idea of Summmer…and all things….HOT…”

Yeah, I just couldn’t think of a title but oh how much I love that Snowman!

If you are reading this, you might want to make sure you have the time and grab a coffee and pull up a chair.  This might be a long update.

So, this morning, I drop off The Boy at before care and the room is all dark and every single child is staring at the tv and singing along to our favorite Snowman….

I proudly announced that his voice and that “Summer” song is my ring tone…I have no shame!  I love that Snowman!

Happy Anniversary!  You registered on WordPress.com 1 year ago! Thanks for flying with us. Keep up the good blogging!

Yes, it has been 1 year that I’ve had this WordPress blog open. It doesn’t seem that long yet, it kinda does. I think that may be because of the massive amount of writing I’ve put into this thing and how much of my life history I’ve revealed.

4th Grade Project

THearstCastle-712894his month is 4th grade project month.  Apparently, 4th graders are no longer tied down to doing just a Mission located here in California.  At least my kid’s school isn’t requiring a California Mission.  We get to choose any California landmark we desire.  I decided….oh I mean THE BOY….decided Hearst Castle in San Simeon, CA.  How the HELL I’m going to make a model of this thing now has me worried that I may have bit off more than I can chew…but it’s THE BOY’s project…right? It doesn’t reflect at ALL on me..right?

Wrong….

But regardless, I will try to create the front of the Castle, some trees in front then the Neptune Pool.  The pool I already have an idea of how it’s going to be made.  It’s the Castle I’m worried about.  But supply shopping will soon commence at the Walmart and Micheals.

It’s due May 7, so I have a good month to do this….ahem..I mean THE BOY has a good month to do his project…

Weight

I’m still, miraculously, losing weight.  There are ups and downs.  I got on the scale one week and gained 8 lbs, then got on it again the next week and lost the 8 and a few more.  So it’s hard to gauge what will happen but it doesn’t matter.  As long as I can still run on that treadmill, breathe when going up stairs and fit into a size 8.

And that I NEVER see that scale tell me 245 lbs ever again.

I have not visited the clinic nor got an injection for a month now.  I’ve also been completely off the appetite suppressants.  However, I may return to the clinic and pay off the last $200 for another 10 weeks soon.  After, that 10 weeks, if I’m diligent, that should be it for me on losing the initial weight.  Then it’s maintenance from here until I die.  So I will continue to remain 95% carb free, for the rest of my life.  I will constantly monitor portions and make better choices.  I will forever keep my exercise level high.

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But as of this date, I have lost a total of 71 lbs. That is more than what The Boy weighs!  And, I’m not longer in the “Obese” section of the BMI charts. I’m simply “overweight” now…..

So apparently a size 6/8 and looking like this….is overweight.  But hey, at least I’m not “Obese” anymore!

Yeah...I hate selfies...ugh...

Yeah…I hate selfies…ugh…

Family

Well surprise surprise!!..…a family member has officially been cut off and guess what.…IT ISN’T ME!

In the past it would have been me considering some of the crap I’ve pulled.  But it isn’t, (BTW, the relationship between myself and my mother is GREATLY improved.  She still sometimes says things that I have to roll my eyes at but I’m able to do just that and it’s all good).

My aunt, my mother’s sister, is officially cut off, monetarily and emotionally, with anything to do with myself, my sister and our mother and father.  There will no longer be any interaction between us and her.  If she has the gall to call my mother up on the future asking for money or whatever, my mother has been instructed by myself and my sister that she is to not answer the phone, lest she desires to feels our wrath.

Believe me when I say that this decision was tossed around a lot and has lots of merit behind it.  My aunt has burned her last bridge with these latest shenanigans she pulled.

My mother’s other sister, has also cut their sister off in the capacity listed above.  I am actually not going to go into detail because, even though it included a possible legal battle and my aunt just being a manipulator and pathological liar, it is very convoluted and honestly, to embarrassing to even admit here.Who opened the closet

I know one thing is for sure regarding my family.  I am REALLY sick and tired of new “skeletons” that keep coming out of our family closet every so often.  With this new debacle, even more skeletons have come out and honestly, I don’t know who or WHAT to believe anymore.

I’m just glad that my son isn’t near some of the “skeletons” and I just want to be done with it all.

I so desire to shake my family tree of all its skeletons and bury their bones forever.

Divorce

Life will always continue to surprise me and people surprising me is no exception.  As my aunt has surprised us all by betraying the family, my ex-husband surprised me to the point of humility.

Wait…does anyone know what temperature it is in HELL!?

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So, back in December, I decided I needed to go back to court to get the ex to pay a bit more child support only because, according to our current incomes, he should be paying about $400 more a month.  So I got that started, got my previous attorney to work on it and got it filed.  Earlier this week, my attorney tells me that my ex got his own lawyer and wants to negotiate….ugh.

I think the worst. I mean what is there to negotiate?! If he thinks he can weasel back into The Boy’s life after 8 years of nothing just so he can pay less in child support….screw that!  I know that is the worst possible scenario, but that is where my mind went and, apparently, it didn’t need to.

Long story short, I spoke with my ex yesterday and he agrees to all that I have requested, which is the higher monthly child support payment and the $600 he owes me from a washing machine we bought back when we were married that he was ordered to pay and never did.

I think my jaw literally fell to the floor.

Am I being tricked?

Is he lying?

Did I land in Bizzarro World?!?!

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Well, no I don’t believe he is lying.  I think he knows that if it goes to court, a judge would “hand him his ass on a platter” as a new friend of mine so poetically and precisely put it.  I would assume, he is just laying down the sword and realizing his defeat.

I know that gloating and pride are not qualities that God promotes and being a women of faith I would rather not gloat but I have to say that for the first time in 10 years, I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted off me and that this particular fight is just about over and I may have won.  Now, I won’t be so naïve as to think that something else might not come up as life has many plot twists but my ex only has 8 more years to be obligated to pay child support and I believe that this issue of an increase might come up one more time before the 8 years are up, but until then, I am the victor.

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So that ended rather amicably and a HUGE weight has been lifted off me because this Boy is getting SUPER expensive what with torn jeans every few weeks, new shoes every month and hockey gear…I barely have money to get myself $1.99 Suave shampoo!

Miscellaneous

  • I miss Disneyland visits so much.  I don’t see a renewal of a pass anytime in the future.
  • The Walking Dead, Season 4 is over…and if you don’t know what I’m talking about, that’s ok.  If you do and haven’t seen it…don’t get mad at me when I say I would turn into EXACTLY  the same kind of person Rick has turned into.  And yes, I would have ripped that guys throat out with my teeth…if he was attacking my kid and double yes, I would have stabbed my kid’s would be attacker 50 million times.  Rick did exactly what I would have done, to protect my child.
  • New Season of Game of Thrones starts Sunday!
  • So! Who is taking me to go see Captain America! The Boy doesn’t want to see it but I do! Who’s coming with me?!?!

SHOUT OUT!

Lastly, I would like to give a shout out and I hope that this person doesn’t mind me giving him a shout out.

At one point in my life, just after losing my best friend, I honestly thought that God did not intend for me to develop any kinds of friendships.  I couldn’t find anyone that matched the connection that she and I had.  I believe that we were soul mates but not in the romantic sense.  More in a sisterly bond sense, yet we shared not one drop of blood.

However, along the way I have run into some truly fascinating people who are genuine, kind and willing to make a connection.  Some have stuck around in my life (cue in a wonderful couple who live up north who I think are the best EVER! And yes, I will give Elder Scrolls a chance).  But for the most part, it’s been a lonely life that I have built many walls around.  So, to make a new friend is a huge positive for me.

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I would just like to tell this person, and you know who you are, thank you SOOO much for giving me a chance, being patient and breaking down the walls I’ve built up around me.  I know that as individuals, we run into many people on a daily basis, not knowing anything about them.  We affect them by our actions and you have affected me tremendously.  You are the positive friendship that my little weak faith needed, in God and in people.

Thank you so much for listening to me this past week.  You have NO idea how just being able to get things off my chest has helped me.  I greatly appreciate all the effort you’ve put into getting to know me.  You are a truly blessed person and the friendship we are building is important to me.

And with that, until the next time, that is all for now.

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And THIS is why I don’t trust humans….

I was out of WP for a while but have slowly returned.  At one point many months back, I posted for BlackBox Warnings.

I have just found Calamity Rae and her post about Le Clown who was well known and held high in the WordPress community, has been featured on Freshly Pressed and interviewed by WP themselves.

After reading ALL the stories and seeing many come out of the woodworks with similar stories as Calamity’s, it turns out this person was a phony, a predator and an all around horrible sexual creep.

At first, I thought it safe to assume this person was just someone who says what they want and didn’t know where humor can turn into harassment.  Usually I ignore those types of people.  But if you go to read Calamity Rae’s account, it is disturbing.  Not only was he not who he says he was but he was targeting and harassing many.  I had a few email interacts with Le Clown when I had my BBW post published but I never conversed with him more than talking about my post, when I will have it done and such.  I never saw the need to have interaction past that.

What really boils me is when he begs Calamity, “oh please don’t out me, think of my family….”….think of your FAMILY…why? YOU certainly weren’t thinking of them.  As much as it’s awful there has to be collateral damage involved, this is what happens when one makes certain choices.  There are consequences and those consequences will not only affect you but those around you.  This is why I am always saying “think before you speak/act”.

What frightens me the most is that I posted in BBW and now, that post and the whole BBW, is gone or at least not visible to me anymore.  It was about my relationship with my mother which, since then, has actually improved tremendously.  I think it was selfish of him (on top of his other abhorring qualities) to shut us all out of our entries in the BBW, if that is what happened.  If there is a way to see our posts in the BBW then I would like to know.

It is just situations like this that make me shun the human race.  No one on this PLANET can be trusted!

I’m really just so sick and tired of people like Le Clown and the control that they continue have.  My grandfather had it over my mother, my sister, even myself at some point and just about every other woman in our family.  Even 1 ½ years after his death, he still has the hold on us, through situations that snowballed because of his actions and rolled over even after his death.  Hence, he still controls us from the friggin grave!  There are emotions and feelings that will never mend even if he died 1000 deaths.

I’m sick and tired of humans who want to control and manipulate then laugh as they turn your soul into a sniveling pile of dung goo.  Some people rise from it, as I believe Calamity and many others who have spoken out have, but some people drag themselves further into the abyss of control and usually take others with them.

And this is why, I will never love again.  It is to risky to trust someone who is probably living another online life anyway.

Has there ever been a time you were truly happy?

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My mother presented this question to me last night during a phone conversation and it actually got me to thinking about how I could truly and honestly answer that question.

I’m half way through my life and at this point I can honestly say, after taking some time to lay in bed and think about it, that I have never, ever been genuinely happy, ever.

Now, there were times I was content and maybe even close to happy.  However, looking back on those times, I realized the happiness was coming from a time in my life that was not true reality, more like a House of Cards that eventually all came crumbling down.  It was not real.

The one time I remember actually being content enough to borderline true happiness was the last three months I was pregnant, back in early 2004.  Weird, I know, to think the third trimester of a very LARGE pregnancy would make any women feel happy, but I was.  I had been taken off work by my doctor, due to a painful gallstone which eventually prompted the removal of my whole gallbladder years later.  During that time, I just watched my food intake and was able to keep the pain under control.

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My Abyssinian/Siamese mix I had back in 2004

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My Abyssinian baby boy back in 2004

Those days in the first three months of 2004 were peaceful, calm and quite serene.  I would get up, not rushed, not fatigued and cuddle with my cats, then maybe go eat something and walk around the mall a bit, or just sit at home and play a video game. I felt no urgency to be somewhere, no worry about paying bills.  Money was actually flowing in pretty good at that time because I was getting a disability check from my employer, using PTO time for being off work (so I was still getting a paycheck) and getting $1400 a month from AFLAC for disability.  So I was basically getting a paycheck and then some.  I was truly content and seemingly without a care in the world.

Thinking about it now, as I mentioned before, I was in a dream world, a world that wasn’t truly reality.  I remember reality hitting VERY hard after the baby was born.  The reality of a divorce, suddenly becoming a single mother and dealing with being a mother while living under my own mother’s roof (cliff notes version, a mother can’t be a mother while still living in their own mother’s house…impossible).

But to answer that initial question, have I ever been truly happy, the answer would be universally NO.  I’m constantly in a state of agitation and worry.  I’m constantly feeling pain of some sort, whether in my heart, through my emotions or actual physical pain.  Thankfully the latter is much less since my 67 lb weight loss however, the 67 lb weight loss just adds to the psychological obsession that I have to make sure I never gain the weight back again.  It also means the other forms of pain are only emphasized.

I know it is all me. I know we all create our own paths and our own happiness and I’m not saying that I have moments, and by moments, I mean literally, just seconds, of content-ness.  (yeah, I made that word up, deal)

For instance, each evening, when I’m done with cooking dinner, doing my workout, cleaning up the apartment a bit, making sure The Boy is bathed and teeth brushed, telling The Boy to bath and brush his teeth 5-10 times in a row, getting The Boy to bed, making sure I’M bathed and I’m actually sitting down on the couch with my tablet and my cat, ready to crumble into a short state of vegetation because I realize I have to go to bed to start the routine all over again, sometimes, in that short state of vegetation, I will have a moment of content.  The cat helps.  Pets are truly therapy.IMG_20131210_222227

I have never really strived to reach pure happiness because I really don’t think it exists.  I know some say being a parent brings happiness and I won’t deny that it does, sometimes, but sometimes, for me, the most being a parent and being a single parent has brought me is the realization that my sanity can be pushed just a little more each day to the brink of utter and massive detonation.

starsToday, I did reach 30 stars on my Starbucks Rewards Program.  Now, I’m officially a Starbucks Gold Member (as long as I keep purchasing Starbucks for the next 12 months and keep the stars coming).  In a way, that granted me a bit of joy.  I do enjoy my Starbucks Pike Blend (never the frothy foo-foo coffee drinks…just straight Pike for me!)

fav-broccoli-cheddar-soup-doublewide_desktopHappiness is different for each individual person.  I, personally, thought losing the most weight I’ve ever lost in my life and being able to actually see my ribs would make me happy.  SURPRISE SURPRISE!  I’m still miserable.  But hey, at least my feet don’t hurt any more and I can squeeze into size 8 skinny jeans!  But in return, I never get to enjoy a Bread Bowl filled with Broccoli and Cheese soup from Panera Bread, ever…ever again.

So, I wonder, if you sit and think about the initial question, “Have you ever been TRULY happy?”, first be honest with the part of the question that says “TRULY”.  Then try and tell me you’ve been there.  You’ll see things different when the rose-colored glasses are removed and you notice that everything is shit brown.

Blegh.

A Valentine for the Un-lovable

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That would be me.  Un- lovable.

Yet another of these stupid days rolls in and I have to endure the heart cards, the heart shaped boxes of little chocolates, red and pink M&M’s and my Facebook feed of gooey and gushy “I love my husband/wife/dog”.  (Oh BTW certain Facebook friend, you probably should stop loving that spouse of yours.  They are cheating on you).

I know there are more of you out there who endure this day as I do and just want it to go away.  I am un-lovable.

By my definition and according to my circumstances, I am a person who has NEVER been loved.  I do not mean by relatives like a mother, father, sibling,  etc.  To love a relative is a forced loved, meaning, you don’t choose to.  Well, I know sometimes you DO choose to end loving a relative because they are a horrible douchbag but you get my meaning.

I have never been loved by someone who wasn’t blood to me.  I have never known the love of a man or even a friend.  Well, at this point in my life only one friend but God thought it a great joke to have her be removed from my life 8 years ago because of cancer.

eeyore-rain-cloudAh, I love my Eeyore Status with God.  I’m always under that rain cloud of drudgery with Him.

For those who know me a little, you might be asking yourself “Wait, wasn’t she married?”

Yes, I was.  But he neither loved me nor even liked me so why he married me is beyond me.  You think it would have been for money or an arranged marriage (no I wasn’t pregnant when we married) but no.  I just think it was just another sick joke to push me closer to ending it all.

I will not keep rambling my sorrows about this stupid day any longer.  I just hope that those who wallow in the sea of “oh I love you dear hubby forever and ever” and “I’m going to Jared to get my wonderful wife a diamond in her favorite color”, realize that it isn’t all candy and brightly colored and expensive jewels for some.

For some it is just another day to remind a person that is mid way through their life, that they are utterly alone in their existence on this earth.

That they are not, and probably never will be, loved.

Weight loss update and a trip to the E.R.

It’s turning into a monthly weigh in update, even though I am weighing in every week.

I have been at this for almost a year (May).  I’m officially in a size 8 and what I find funny is that according to the BMI charts, I guess a size 8 is considered OBESE because I’m STILL in the OBESE range of the BMI charts.

Those charts can kiss my ass.

Anyway, I really don’t even remember what I felt like this time last year, kind of.  I know what I looked like because I’ve seen the photos and I remember not being able to breathe going up 5 steps or trying to get through just ONE song on my Wii Just Dance (something that I don’t get slightly winded, even after about 10 songs).  I guess what I don’t remember is just being the old me.33ffee062ec7ee70a30d7342690db639

I am now at a weight I haven’t been since about 10 years ago.  And being that I’ve incorporated weight lifting (which I’ve been doing for about 6 months now) and power uphill walking and running, I am noticing muscles I never knew I had.  I’m getting some killer arms to, thanks to the weight lifting.

However, all this will not stop genetics….Last Tuesday, I called 911, on myself.

I had been feeling light headed all day when going from a sitting to standing position and I felt like I had an elephant on my chest.  I just ignored it, as I usually do, and went about my business.

That night, I go to bed then my stomach suddenly hurt, like knives were being pushed into my stomach.  I made my way to the bathroom but then started to realize that I was going to pass out.  I got cold, and not just like a “oh I’m cold” feeling.  It literally felt like my blood turned ice cold.

I really thought I was having a heart attack and I was going to meet Jesus.

Thinking that I do NOT want The Boy to get up, as he was asleep in my bed, in the middle of the night and trip over my unconscious or possibly dead body, I knew I had to contact someone before I gave up the ghost.

I called my mother and according to her, she said at one point I blacked out because I stopped talking and the phone went dead.  I do remember calling her but not hanging up with her and I only remember tid bits of calling 911 and I couldn’t give them my address nor the name of my apartment complex because I could barely speak.  Things were getting black and hazy.

I made it back to my bed and my limbs began to tingle.  Next thing I know, 4 or 5 firemen and paramedics are in my room.  They were talking to The Boy (who handled all of this wonderfully, I might add) and they even gave him a little fireman’s hat.  The paramedics took my blood pressure.  It was low. But my heart and lungs were fine.

thCAS942INFast forward, I take a trip in the Ambulance to the E.R. and spend the next few hours in a bed there while they take my blood, get urine samples, x-ray my chest and check my heart again, all of which were fine.

Diagnosis: The elephant I felt on my chest all day, was acid reflux.  Fantastic….

The episode I had of cold and numbness….a panic attack.   Even better….

So, I came to the conclusion that weight loss isn’t my only problem.  Apparently, it is genetic that digestion problems, such as acid reflux, runs in the family.  I am getting that checked.  Although I don’t know what triggered it because I eat NO fast food, NO fried and NO fatty.  I am monitoring what else may have done it.  I’ve been fine since then though.  That was a week and a few days ago.

A funny “what the hell is that story?!?” stemming from my paranoia of an E.R. visit.  A few days ago I was lying down in my bed, my hands were on my stomach.  I then stretched and my fingers felt this lump just to the right of my upper stomach.  I feel a bit more going “damnit what now?” and hoping I wasn’t growing a tumor.  Then I realized what I was feeling…..my ribs.

That’s right folks.  I have NEVER seen nor felt my ribs since I can’t even remember.  I would guess since I was a child?  But there they were, my ribs.  Of course, I was stretching so they were more visible but it was a laughable moment indeed.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

6 more lbs down!
Total: 66 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

And that’s a wrap…Around the neck of online dating

Yup, it most certainly is.

I did my one month on Christian Mingle and have come to find that so called “Christian” men can be more arrogant, conceded and selfish than non-Christian men.  But I kind of knew that already.

In the one month this is what happened:

dude_clrsGuy #1 – Ghetto….so ghetto.  I don’t say that as a snob because I don’t want to be that way at all but a simple criteria I have is that you don’t talk like you are from the gangs of L.A.  Besides that, it sounds really un-intelligent to be calling me “dude” every other sentence.  First, I’m not a guy and second, it’s disrespectful.  That is how I roll.  Also, sarcasm at its max, is a BIG turn off for me.  Don’t get me wrong, I can deal with a sense of humor but to be correcting me all the time and being annoyingly sarcastic tells me, again, you have little respect for me and never will develop such respect.  So to Guy# 1, good luck finding that meek woman who will cower to your arrogance because you won’t see me cowering to anyone.

Guy #2 – This one I actually met after talking on the phone and that was where it ended.  I thought the meeting went well but apparently, I had my Quasimodo face on.  So much so that after a week of nothing, I get a text saying I wasn’t his “ideal”, although he thought I “spoke well”, whatever the heck that means.  I can only assume it meant I had brains but not the looks?  You take a guess.  So, to Guy #2, I’m not going to apologize for not being your “ideal”.  In fact, I’m glad I’m not your ideal because that just proves, again, that I won’t step down to accommodate arrogance, which you personify.

my_miniature_pinscher_ate_my_homework_binder-rdf898856dfee48e0abf8e2c24ceb362b_xz8dx_8byvr_512Guy #3 – I thought this one was actually going somewhere after a conversation on the phone.  I will admit, he was a sssllllloooowwww talker, meaning, he drolled on without wondering if I was interested and the words were slow to come out but I liked his conversation so I looked that over.  Then, there was nothing.  By that, I mean, there were no texts or calls, just nothing after that.  I even invited him to a Reign game which he gladly accepted.  However, I never heard from him after that.  I finally had to text him and ask if he was still interested in going to the game and he texted back saying his mother was in the hospital, or something like that.  Convenient.  I know, I’m passing a bit of judgment there, but really?  All the sudden it’s the “my grandma died and that’s why I need to leave school” line?  He was deleted from my phone.  So to Guy #3, next time, maybe you can try the “my dog ate your phone number” excuse? That would be more creative.

shutterstock_61996951Guy #4 – This one actually didn’t get past a message on the website.  I really liked his profile and I messaged him, despite the fact his profile said he “prefers” taller women.  I figured prefer doesn’t mean a must. Besides, I’m 5’4”, the average female height.  I got a message back from him stating “sorry, height is a must.  I just want a woman to at least reach my sternum”.  I didn’t even know what a sternum was and had to look it up but his attitude reeked of arrogance.  Also, his whole profile was all about “I like real woman who are Godly, women who like to laugh and enjoy life”….yada yada yada.  He should have added “but I really don’t care about all of that unless you are precisely the height that my arrogant and selfish personality requests.  OH and you will also cook, clean, have my babies and do my every  wish and command.”  Yeah, that would have been more realistic for him.  So to Guy #4, make sure that when you find that women who at least reaches your sternum that she is “God fearing” as well because all us Christians know that Jesus was all about being selfish and making sure YOU get what YOU want. Sheesh…

1334607965991_8985256Lastly, Guy #5 – Hmmm…this one.  We exchanged a few messages on the site and then I gave him my email.  He seemed down to earth, nothing really arrogant about him.  He has a good job, one son who plays baseball but he seems busy.  I know we are all busy but I believe that is one of the problems with all this.  Everyone is so sucked into their jobs, careers, kids, whatever, that there is no time to meet new people.  Anyway, we had a good but short texting conversation but then …nothing.  I figured my Quasimodo was showing again and this time through my texts so I deleted HIM from my phone since I figured he wasn’t interested after not responding for a few days.  I just got a text saying “Good Morning, Have a Good Day”.  I think it was from this guy but, I deleted it because technically, I had no idea who the number was.  So, Guy #5, you probably could have been a potential but I really just don’t have time for games.  If you want to get to know someone, show some friggin interest.  It takes 10 seconds to send a text.

And that is the end of that.  My subscription expired and I will not be renewing.  Men out there are ridiculous, just ridiculous.  I don’t need to continue on that site to see that it is just as hopeless as the other sites, if not worse because I’ve come to find so called “God Fearing” men are on such a high horse, they think they are actually the right hand of God and I most certainly don’t want to be associated or near THAT person when he comes before God to be told he wasn’t the right hand of anything.  The arrogance runs rampant among them.

MV5BMTY0Mjg5MjY5Nl5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwMDU4MjkxMDE@__V1_SX640_SY720_Can someone please just tell Benedict Cumberbatch  that I’m ready for his marriage proposal and will proudly be the mother of his children!?  Apparently, that is all he wants in life when asked about where he wants to be in his future.  I have no clue whether Mr. Cumberbatch is a Christian or not but he seems to be more of a gentleman and all around decent man than any other man I’ve run into in my past, ever.  I’m still flabbergasted that man has not found a good wife.  But he’s been known to say…and I quote “I’ve been broody since I was 12, but I can’t just get anyone pregnant, it has got to be the right person. To find the right person? Oh well, there’s always a way isn’t there –and I don’t mean the internet. I mean there are always moments and meetings and chance encounters. But to make meaningful relationships is very hard at the moment.“

If someone like Benedict, who is all about being gorgeous and being a gentleman, has trouble, I give up…..sorta.

But on the flip side…last night I caught Killer Clowns from Outer Space and the inner geek in me squee’d.  I certainly don’t need a man to a) lose 60 lbs and gain my confidence back and b) enjoy a great Horror Cheese and Crackers 80’s movie like Killer Clowns!

Weekly Weigh In – I’m back on track

I am back into my routine after a 6 lb gain over the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays.  The gain was mainly because I didn’t exercise for a long period of time due to my lower back going out and getting the flu at the beginning of December.  And of course the holiday goodies didn’t help.

I am just about back to the weight I was before the holidays and starting fresh.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

 4 lbs down!
Total: 60 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

 

Kings Tickets? Yes please!

I hold in my hand these…..

Kings

The Boy and I will be seeing the Kings play the Canucks this Saturday evening.  As I look back in my life, I never, ever thought I would EVER get excited over going to a Kings hockey game.  In my youth, I barely knew hockey existed.  That wasn’t the sport I was raised on.  We were baseball (Dodger) fans.  Also, my father was never the sports kinda guy and I only had a younger sister.  No real brothers to speak of and no other men in my life so I never really was around sports much at all except for the occasional Dodger game.

This is a whole new world for me and I really am loving it.

This is the virtual view of our seats in the Premier section.

Kings seats

I wonder if they will allow me to bring in my Canon SLR to take some photos….

I just don’t get it…

I believe that when my mother gets me things that I don’t or can’t use it is just some sort of joke now.

I’ve mentioned before that my mom tends to gift me the strangest things.  Things I would never use or things I would think as my mother she would know me enough to know that I don’t even like.

This Christmas was no different.  For my birthday on December 2nd she got me boots that are not even my style or a style I’ve ever worn.  Luckily,  I was able to take them back for store credit and got boots more my style.

But the huge box I opened yesterday had me firmly convinced that this woman, doesn’t know me, her own daughter, or just doesn’t even care to.

I opened the huge box to this…
image

I….don’t….drink….soda…

While I honestly think it’s a very neat product, as a non- soda or carbonated drinker, I would have zero use for it.  I mean, I do have my occassional Coke Zero every once in a while but I have no idea why she would think that I drink enough soda to warrant a machine to make it.  I drink water.  And she KNOWS that!  (I’m sorry but it really infuriates me that my mother doesn’t know me at all).

Then, the fact that she gave my sister the exact same thing and she IS a soda drinker and was ecstatic shows me, yet again, how not only my mother doesn’t care to know anything about me but will shove in my face how I’m the daughter she doesn’t care to know anything about.

I went online to guess on the cost of the set she gave me and let’s just put it this way.  She got me something I’ll never use for the same price it would have cost to get me a decent Disney Annual Pass, a gift that would have meant something to me.  So it wasn’t lack of money that caused this and I KNOW she isn’t clueless as to my sadness over not having my Disney Pass.

I’m honestly not trying to complain about a Christmas gift because I’m a spoiled brat.  She did get me some nice comfy pajamas (finally in the right size to, she forgets I’m 10 sizes smaller now than last Christmas) I just am so tired of no one caring enough about me to not even try to know what I like.  Not even my family cares to do that.  It really is hurtful.

And I try my best to listen and understand what people want.  My mother said she’s always cold in her house so I got her a nice fluffy and furry blanket.  I know my sister said she likes Bath & Body Works so I got her one of the more expensive bath sets.  Even my dad said he never got to see The Lone Ranger so I got him the BluRay.

But what fascinates me the most about this phenomenon is that people who are practically strangers (for example co-workers I’ve known for a short time) gift to me perfectly.  The attorney I work for got me L.A. Kings tickets.  He took the time to know we go to Ontario Reign hockey games and that my plays hockey.  An attorney I worked for two Christmas ago got me a cute Eeyore ornamant and Sally bottle and Eeyore Plushie.  He knew me all of 6 months and gifted me perfectly.

Anyway, it really depressed me how not one person on this planet cares about me enough to know what I like, to understand me.  I guess I’ll be putting that Soda making thing up on Craigslist soon enough.  Better to get some money out of it that have it sit in my cabinet, unused.

I wanted to add that I’m not really mad at her.  I just find this such an interesting occurrence between us.  And I have to just keep remembering that it was she and my dad that took out $2000 to give me to pay my divorce attorney so that I can take my ex-husband back to court.  She shows her support in other ways.  They are just not as endearing as how she shows my sister.

Or I’m just being a spoiled brat.  I am super tired, no exhausted, today and at work and bloated and crampy and scared out of my mind that I’ve eaten to much over the holidays and that I am gaining weight because I haven’t had time to work out.  I’m on the edge right now anyway.

Holidays Weigh In

Ugh..just ugh.  My last Weigh in post was here and it was a LONG time ago.  October 28th, to be exact.

This will qualify as a “Weigh In” entry but it will also qualify as a “oops..let’s get back on this train” plea to myself.  However, trying to stay on the bright side, this post is the first of all the weight loss posts I’ve been doing since May that is negative in the fact that I’ve gained weight back in the past 2 months.

I think one of the things I’ve come to HATE most about my eternal life of constant monitoring of food that goes in and exercise that goes out, is that the weight can ALWAYS come back and you better believe it will come back threefold.

I was hit with my first holiday season and tried very hard.  During Thanksgiving, I tried to keep away from the carbs and do more protein.  It kind of worked.

The first two weeks of December, I got the flu and my lower back went out forcing me to stop exercising.  Just last week, I’ve been back to 3-4 times a week on the treadmill and lifting weights.

Last night, realizing that I’m back in my exercise routine and fully recovered from my lower back pain (kinda) and the flu, I got on the scale in the work out room.  I was thrown back into reality.  According to that scale, I have gained 4 lbs since the beginning of November.

I have just returned from the Medical Clinic that started me on this road back in May and yes, the weight gain is 4 lbs.  I’ve adjusted my ticker to the right to reflect such and I will go from there.  I have paid for another 10 weeks of appetite suppressants and vitamin injections at the clinic and will kick start this again.  On the positive side, at least I’m starting at a much lower weight than 245 and puts me THAT much closer to my goal.

Success

Upon reflection though, in the past, when I’ve come to this certain fork in the road when I see the weight creeping back and the food takes over, usually what happens is I give up.  The weight returns and then about 40 more lbs follow it.  That is how I reached 245 in the first place.

I looked at those numbers, realizing, it’s only FOUR lbs.  However, over time, 4 can easily turn into 40.  I will not allow this.  I know me.  If I allowed myself to get fat again, that would be the end of my mental state, my energy, my motherhood and life on many levels.  I know me….gaining it back, would kill me on the inside and work it’s way out.

This weight loss has opened up my eyes to so many things and not just on the “looks” part of it or fitting into a size 8 for the first time in…well ever!  My health is the best it’s been in years,  my monthly visitor is MUCH more manageable (believe me, that in itself is enough to not falter.  I dreaded Aunt Flo every month and the mess she always created).

The bottom line is…I will not let food win.  I will not let the little peanut butter and chocolate squares sitting just inches from my desk right now, win.  I have a divorce court date coming up in either February or March (more on THAT in another post) and I will NOT let my ex-husband or even my divorce attorney see a defeated and fat single mother.

Most importantly, God did NOT imbue in me the strength I’ve mustered since May to lose 60 lbs just to waste it away and gain it back.  I’m tired of disappointed God and I’m sure He’s tired of it to.  Sometimes, I feel it’s the only thing I can give back to Him since I tend to hold grudges on His choices on how my life is going BUT that is another post as well.

On the more selfish side, my sister has lost 10 lbs since she started at a medical clinic for weight loss and I CAN’T let her win!  I mean that in healthy good competition.  For the first time in years….I have the upper hand in our relationship and I’m winning.  In the past, she always won everything from earning our parents love more to buying her own home and everything in between.  In this, I WON…and it will stay that way.  Besides, my weight loss encouraged her to start her own weight loss and she really needed it.  I believe her mental state about herself was worse than me and what made it worse is that she held it all in and puts up so many wallsthat even I, her sister, can’t punch through them.  Weight loss would benefit her even more than me.

For the first time, ever, in the battle of my fat that began when I was 12 years old….I AM IN FUCKING CONTROL.

38 years Married

HappyAnniversaryMickeyandMinnieToday, my parents celebrate their 38th wedding Anniversary.  Even if I met a man tomorrow and married him the next day, I probably couldn’t make it to almost 40 years of marriage simply because I would probably die first.  Not many now a days can claim that many years married to the same person.

The length of their marriage, I believe, is the reason why I never had a successful marriage and my sister will never be married.  It’s kind of like a curse.  My parents are soul mates only in the fact that my father allowed my mother to rule the roost, so to speak, but on all levels.  He made no decisions without her and did nothing without her.  He allowed her to run all with very little input from himself and putting up with her antics and believe me, she threw out some whopping doozy of adult tantrums from what I remember, even though she denies them all to this day and apparently, I was living a different childhood with different parents than from what I remember, so I’m the crazy one.

I’m really not putting down that they have been married for 38 years because I really do  believe that one can not live without the other, even though one (my mother) wouldn’t admit to it but probably will if she is the spouse left standing, should my father die first.  But more important to my “curse” theory is that I believe that a man like my Dad is the only type of man who would be able to deal with a woman like my mother and even women like myself and my sister. We are VERY tough cookies to crack, if we ever get cracked and we tend to be over dramatic and have non-diagnosed Biplor as well, no joke.  I think I’m a little more pliable and controlling of my rants than my sister and mother as I have more of an emotional side than they do, hence, I tend to be a more tender person.

So, I firmly believe there is no man on the planet suited for our types of personality.  I stand by that assumption because my sister and I are both alone and tolerant of very little.  My sister is worse than me.  I’m just exhausted of dealing with men who are out right assholes, which is pretty much all of them.

So Happy Anniversary to my parents and thanks to you both for making sure that my sister and I never have a long lasting marriage or marriages at all because you have had such a “successfully” long one.

Re-thinking the car of my dreams

First, I will say yes, the car of my dreams is super girly. Ask me if I care?!

2014_volkswagen_beetle_r_line_rear_three_quarters

I really wanted a VW Beetle, preferably the newest model, in Candy Red and who knows, maybe I WOULD have put the eyelashes on the headlights or the black spots to make it look like an actual lady bug.

Ladybug-Eyelashes-resized-600

571392573_tp

I am currently driving a VW 2009 Jetta and have been for the past year. In all honesty, it sucks. The amount of things wrong with it and the money I’m putting into it should not be happening to a 2009.  With that and on top of the fact that apparently VW parts are hard to come by and expensive, therefore fixing it pretty much costs 2 months salary.  Or maybe I’m just dumb.

Either way, I think I may have to re-consider a VW when I can finally afford the car of my dreams, which would be after I’m done bringing down what I owe on this Jetta pile of trash car so I can use it for some sort of trade in.

I’m remembering the cars I’ve had in the past and I would say the Toyota Matrix and the Nissan Murano were my most favorite.

matrix-barbershopThe Matrix took a huge hit when I ran something over on the freeway and got the front bumper ripped off.  It was also the car that drove me, every day, almost 100 miles from my parents house to Los Angeles.  It was very reliable in that sense.  The reason why I got rid of that car was because my ex-husband’s name was also on it.  I traded that car in for the Nissan Murano

MuranoThe Murano I really liked.  I didn’t have any troubles with it.  It traded in for a nice value as well.  Now, WHY did I trade it in?  I think I was getting that “itch” for something new.  I should have just gotten a new Murano.  Getting rid of the Murnao was a mistake though because that was a good car and I hardly had ANY trouble with it.

juke

So, I’m leaning towards another Nissan, maybe a Murano or maybe a Juke.  I really like the Jukes.  I like how the Jukes are round in the front with the weird rounded headlights.  I like sleek rounded cars.  Yes, I’m weird like that.

I don’t even know why I’m thinking about this at all.  It’s going to take me 5 years to pay off my piece of crap Jetta because it’s all going to interest.  I won’t be able to highly consider another car until I’m walking with a cane or win the lottery.

A few days until Xmas

And I’m still just not feeling it. Or I’m on the fence about how I’m feeling. I did get excited when I found a singing house just a few blocks from my apartment and plan to get The Boy, coffee and hot cocoa, and just parking the car in front and enjoying. I love when people light up their houses and sync the lights to music.

Holiday-shoppingOn the re-opening of my child support case, I ran into a snag. I used some of the $2000 my mother gave me and didn’t have enough to cover the $2000 check I sent to them. In my defense though, I did use it to finish my Xmas shopping.  I know..I know…I already ripped myself a new one for not planning that properly. Anyway, I got it squared away with the help of a nice Xmas bonus check given to me yesterday, $60 given to me by my ex-husband for medical co-payments and prescriptions (demanding that money from him was at the advice of my attorney) and my current child support amount posted this morning. I now have enough to finally pay my attorney to start this case. I get more money on Friday from my paycheck but not much since I was out sick for a few days without pay.

handing-over-moneySo that will be all for me regarding money until after the New Year. Hopefully, I don’t get my utilities and cell phone shut off since I had to forgo paying those bills JUST to save Xmas.  I barely had enough to send frozen waffles to The Boy’s class for his Xmas Breakfast they are having.  I wished I were exaggerating when I say that my fridge has been empty for weeks, and I can’t afford frozen waffles.  I get to make the fantastic choice of gas or food or getting utilities shut off or being late on my rent all the time and I normally don’t choose the late on the rent option because it only takes being 3 days late before the apartment has Sheriff knocking on the door, kicking me out.  It’s happened once before and the fees to get that all straightened out was VERY painful.

The-Lone-Ranger-2013I do still need to pick up The Lone Ranger DVD for my dad.  He is a bit of a cowboy fanatic in his old age.  It’s kinda cute.  I actually went into his “Retirement Man Cave” just last week for pretty much the first time in months and I was very impressed with how strategically he has placed John Wayne posters and cowboy paraphernalia on the walls and around the room.  It warmed my heart because that small room, is exactly who my Daddy is.  He said he wanted The Lone Ranger DVD for Xmas since I couldn’t really get him any more paraphernalia as the walls and every inch of the room was stuffed.

I am taking some money and very much looking forward to seeing Saving Mr. Banks on Friday night and we have Universal Studios planned for Saturday.  I’m not feeling much into the Amusement Park mood mostly because I will not be seeing the Xmas Disneyland decorations for only the 2nd Xmas in the past 9 years and as silly, childish and stupid as it sounds, it makes me so sad to the point of tears. But I guess Grinchmas will have to do.

I’m such a spoiled brat.

Oh look at that…I’m still alive…

I guess now would be as good a time as ever to write up the world’s longest update post.

The end of 2013 is proving to be full of twists and turns and even loop holes.  I will break it down into a few different sections, more to satisfy my OCD than anything else.  So without further adieu, the last few months of my existence, broken down into categories and in no particular order, (I warned you all about my OCD right?).

Divorce

There is never an easy or 1, 2, 3 type divorce.  Although I will admit, my divorce 10 years ago went as much in my favor as it could have, especially compared to other divorces.  However, I knew the day would come when I would have to dish out another chunk of money to get what I needed.  That day has come.

As of this week, I borrowed a nice chunk of money from my parents and I have put down a huge retainer to re-hire my previous divorce attorney to re-open my case from 2005.  The decision to do this was prompted because I realized that my ex-husband makes a lot more money now than he did back in 2005 and I make a lot less than I did back in 2005. child-support-image-624x499

My attorney, after roughly looking at our incomes, feels I should be getting double of the child support that I’m currently receiving.  The main thing going against my ex-husband is that he has 0% time with The Boy.  He hasn’t seen him in almost 9 years.  I am 100% full custodial parent, therefore, all expenses, on a 24/7 basis, come out of my pocket.

If all goes well, instead of $496 monthly child support I currently get, my attorney is going to see I get close to $1300 a month.

That amount is according to my yearly income and my ex-husband’s yearly income.  That number is not me wanting to clean my ex out….it is based on our incomes, nothing more.

That is how much MORE he makes than me, yet I have The Boy 100%.

Sounds friggin’ fair to me!!!

Money

Rose Smith: Money. I hate, loathe, despise and abominate money.

Mr. Alonzo Smith: You also spend it.

—Quoted from “Meet Me in St. Louis”

money22Money can prove to be another love/hate relationship that I have developed.  I hate that life in general depends on it.  For the past few months, I’ve been seriously living paycheck to paycheck, as I’m sure all of America is.  However, my last resort is moving back in with my parents and in all honestly, I would rather slit my wrists that do that again.  Nothing against them, we just cannot live together, it can’t happen.

I also hate that I don’t have enough money to enjoy life.  And don’t tell me “oh you can enjoy life without money”.  It’s a lie.  Sure I can go for a walk or take The Boy to a park but does it cost gas to drive anywhere? Yup.  And maybe the walk would cost nothing, until someone gets hungry or wants ice cream.

Then, don’t get me started on how I can’t keep food in my fridge at all.  Remember, I eat nothing.  Some nights, my dinner consists of a bowl of corn flakes or 2 hard boiled eggs.  That kid is eating me out of house and home and still demands more.

That is why I am taking my ex-husband back to court (see above).  I mean sure I could live in the ghetto and my kid could go to the worst school in the state but I’m going to try everything I can to keep off of welfare and keep out of the ghetto.  Call me a snob if you want but that is just how I was raised.  No free hand outs and all options must have been tried before it becomes dire straits.

It all keeps adding up though.  My car also needs about $1000 of work done and I have the warning lights popping up left and right.  I need all new tires as the ones I have are apparently balding.  I need new brakes and a couple of other things. But it all added up to well over $1000.

I’m hoping that I can squeeze as much out of my tax refund in February as I can to pay back my parents for the divorce attorney retainer and get my car fixed and then, that leads me to…

The Cat

As I posted back in October, my cat spent three nights in the hospital due to Kidney failure and dehydration.  They were able to get him into much better shape and I took him home.  Since then, I’ve gone out of my way every month to get his supply of Renal LP food directly from the vet and he has been doing fine.  I was told he might need about $600 of dental work done at a later date.IMG_20131210_222227

The past few days, he has been doing the gagging thing while he eats, again.  I believe it is due to his teeth.  I was hoping, being that he is 5 years old and half way through his life, I would be able to get through the next 5 or so years with no problems.  That is what I get for thinking.

There is no way I can afford another $600 of dental work and the two credit cards I have are already maxed out what with having to squeeze money from my ass to pay for my divorce attorney.  I am no longer getting approved for any more credit so I’m at my credit card cap.

I’m going to play it by ear and try and mush up his food as best as I can to get him to eat without gagging.  He also needs to learn not to scarf down his food, even though he is an animal, he can’t eat like one or he chokes.  I’m hoping just mushing his food and giving him little bits will help him eat slower.  But he is a stubborn cat….if he starts to associate the food with him gagging, he won’t go near it and he can’t, nor will he, eat any other store brand food.  The food I give him now is a vet prescription for his Renal failure.  He could go back to starving himself again.

I don’t even want to think about losing that cat…damn him…I love him so much.

Ugh..moving on…

Health

Meh, the end of November/beginning of December was tough.  I didn’t exercise much because of Thanksgiving cutting into my routine and of course Thanksgiving provided plenty of food to eat but I tried to steer clear of carbs and just eat turkey, lots of turkey.

Then the week after Thanksgiving, my lower back when out and I got the flu. I was out of work for 2 days last week.  I just need a really long deep tissue massage because the amount of stress and pain that is piercing my back and neck daily is almost enough to make me scream.  But how much does a massage cost? and oh..that’s right, I have NO husband to lightly rub my back for me so, a simple massage is in my dreams.  I’m still waking up with no strength in my lower back to even sit up.  I also believe alot of it is my sciatica because the twinging pain goes down both my legs pretty much all day.  I’m just living with it.

thSo day by day I endure the physical pain and just smile and nod so everyone thinks I’m holding it together when in essence, I just want to rip my spine out and pop it back into place.

But that takes me into….

Weight

375x321_lose_weight_fast_how_to_do_it_quickly_ref_guideAh, here is another part of my daily existence I have to constantly be thinking about.  I must monitor all that goes into my pie hole.  Actually, I don’t mind doing that and the My Fitness Pal app really helps out with monitoring food intake versus exercise output.  It is when I lack exercise that I start to feel my muscles that I’ve worked so hard on developing, start to deflate like a pierced balloon.

However, I have managed to maintain my weight and the total loss of 62 lbs.  I’ve gained nothing even though I haven’t been on the appetite suppressants for over a month and haven’t been to visit the clinic for the injections due to me needing to pay a balance to start up another 10 weeks of visits.  So in essence, I can do it on my own.  But I still have at least 30 more to lose before I get to the “on my own completely” point with only visits to the clinic for the vitamin injections and maintenance.  However, I just bought a size 8 pair of pants making me officially down 10 pants sizes since April, from a size 18 to the now size 8.

And guess what?  According to the BMI charts, I’m still in the “Obese” category so apparently a size 8 is obese.  The BMI charts can kiss my size 8 ass.

Dating

I broke down and paid for a membership on Christian Mingle.com  I haven’t been on there long enough to really establish my opinions about it but on the surface, it seems like there are a lot less crazies there than Match or any of those free places.  Those free sites are scary. Uh, yeah…I think my opinion is starting to become established.  So called “Christian”‘ men are just as much ass holes and jerks as any other man, if not worse.

I really just can’t move in a positive direction in the dating category.  I have a condition that doesn’t allow me to deal well with men who are sarcastic, egotistical and want only one thing.  Then throw in someone who thinks they are better than you in every way, and I’m done.

I have better things to do.

The Boy

One of my favorite movies

One of my favorite movies

I really can’t put my finger on what kind of relationship I have with The Boy.  There are parts of his personality that are coming out that I really do not like.  He argues way to friggin’ much.  He also gets way to moody and in a stinky attitude if he doesn’t get his way.  I’ve taken to just sending him to his room when he gets the pouting face and stinky attitude if he doesn’t get what he wants.  I don’t even want to see him.  Then, minutes later, he comes out all wanting hugs and cuddles and I’m like “really kid?”.  I’m telling you, he is bipolar.

Then again, he comes from me and I’m riding the roller coaster of emotions sometimes.  However, ungratefulness is something I won’t tolerate and I think I spoil him.  He is becoming greedier and greedier each Christmas and that just doesn’t sit well with me.  It reflects off of me and makes me look pretty bad.  But I have to remember, I am fighting more “Nature” than anything and he still has his father’s assholery genetics.  I spend a lot of my energy trying to erase genetics and that may be a losing battle.

But damn did I make a good looking human.  My kid is so handsome!

The Family

Ah, my family.  I find it truly interesting to love and despise someone, at the same time.  My mother, I just don’t know what to feel about her sometimes.  I think I need to just makes friends with the fact that it is just what it is.  She and my father took money out of my father’s retirement to give to me to retain my divorce attorney (see above) and if I hadn’t been given that money I wouldn’t have been able to move forward with changing my child support.  For that, I love them both.Funny-eCards-9

But sometimes, she just needs to learn to keep her mouth shut.  However, in her defense, we all kind of do.  I know I tend to have foot in mouth disease on occasion.

My sister, she is on the losing weight bandwagon now which is an even bigger motivation for me to stay at a weight below her.  She has also joined a medical clinic as I have and takes the appetite suppressants and tries to cut out carbs.  She has lost about 10 lbs so far.  I really hope that this is the breaking point for her as it has been for me.  I hope that she tells herself to never go back and sure, we may falter and eat one to many pieces of pizza but we get back on track.  She needs to get a hold of her body more than me because her weight really brings her down desperately and she really becomes very scary to be around and her depression becomes palpable.

We cancelled the Montana trip on Christmas week to visit my other sister.  It was going to be to expensive and time consuming and I really couldn’t take that much time off work but more importantly, there was NO way I was taking a 3 day/3 state driving trip with my mother, father and sister.  I would have run us off the road just to end the anguish.

Depression

I have moments where I feel I have failed at just about every aspect of my life.  I failed at my marriage 10 years ago.  I failed at being able to support my child and myself financially because I’m living paycheck to paycheck and sometimes not even with enough in a paycheck.  I feel I’ve failed to work on myself so that I could attract a decent male to accompany me in this journey of life.  I really think there is just something wrong with me which is why I don’t have a man.  It’s not my weight because I don’t have that issue anymore.  I thought I was just plain ugly which could still be the case but maybe, I just have a rotten personality, which is why I attract absolutely no one which explains why I don’t have a husband or friends.  Or it could be that men are jerks (see Dating section above).thCAROPVN4

I’m not confirming that is the case, I’m just throwing out theories because I just don’t know but this is where the depression stems from.

I’m going to be brutally honest here but, sometimes, I get so lonely that if there was a sharp object or even gun around, I can say that I would not be writing this post at all…it would be over.  I think it comes to that point because of the type of person I am.  I crave affection and human touch.  I haven’t had an adult hug me, that wasn’t my parents or sisters, in the past 10 years.

DID YOU READ THAT…10 YEARS!  It’s like my soul is dying inside of this shell of flesh I walk around in.  But I don’t give in because I just keep thinking, “Who would take care of my son”.  I mean if something did happen to me, my sister would step forward and even though we disagree on a lot, there are aspects of raising children we do agree on and I can trust to her follow my footsteps.  But I wouldn’t be there.

Damn Satan and his invention of Depression.

But then I move onto…..

Things I’m looking forward to….

Christmas, although this year, I really haven’t been feeling the cheer of it all.  Mainly that is because of the lack of funds for all the big things The Boy wants but then I get annoyed at his greediness and selfishness sometimes.  But it could also be because I’m just plain alone.  I have no one to share any of the season with, other than The Boy but that is not the same.  I put up all my decorations all alone and I sit, each night, looking at my tree, all alone.  It all really just makes me so depressed.

However, I do love this season.  I love that it gets cold (even though, as I get older I realized the cold does a nasty number on my bones).  I love seeing all the decorations and lights go up on houses and driving at night to see them.

There are also some fantastic movies coming out.  Saving Mr. Banks is #1 on my must see list, along with The Hobbit and Madea’s Christmas.  I enjoyed Thor immensely and really like the whole storyline and the tie up with all the Avengers and Shield.  Yeah, I’m a nerd like that but I love it.

Olaf-In-Frozen-Movie-HD-WallpaperI also saw Frozen and actually really enjoyed it.  My favorite character was Olaf, the talking snowman who likes warm hugs and longs to spend a day warm in the sun on the beach…poor delusional snowman.  There was one scene where he had me laughing long after the scene was over.  I haven’t laughed like that in so long it felt good.  I loved him so much, the next day I went to the Disney outlet and got me an Olaf plushie of my own.  I give him warm hugs.

Foremost……God

Ah yes, that omnipresence that hovers over me telling me not to give into sin and temptation yet insists I endure day after day of temptaion and sin topped with lonely heart ache.  The Good Lord is also turning out to be another love/hate relationship with me.  I will never understand why He thinks my life of loneliness will ever prompt me to want to follow Him fully and purely, but on the other hand, I still do.tumblr_lqqtbpkVFB1qj065bo1_500

It’s also apparent that even though I’ve lost enough weight to be down 8 sizes He makes a point to show me that the weight wasn’t the problem.  The fact that I’m pretty much the plainest and to put it simply, ugliest person on the planet, keeps me from ever getting rid of my life of loneliness.  Of course, in all of this I’m using satire (so don’t start telling me I have some sort of self perception disorder) to get the point across but the point is, God wants me to be alone.

Thanks God.  Let’s just come to terms with the fact that You’ve pretty much left me to rot in a sea of loneliness and even though You’ve made sure to flaunt every single happy couple in front of me during this lonely holiday season, I will still follow You because it’s better to be lonely in this life of flesh than burning for eternity in the Lake of Fire.

Right???  *sigh*

Last but not least…

funny-birthday-ecards-15I found one thing that I do very well.  Getting old

On Dec 2nd I turned 37 years old.  Big Friggin’ Deal is what I say.  I am not growing old gracefully and hate that my youth is being wasted away in these lonely, terribly lonely years I have to look forward to.  So my birthday is just a reminder of the day that this lonely life of mine began.   I could care less about it.

I think that all just about covers it.

It’s been a long time…..

It’s been a long time…with a lot going on.

On the weight front, I have not returned to the clinic nor am I taking the appetite suppressants at the present.  It has been tough to not eat anything and everything all the time.  I haven’t gained anything as I’m still exercising 4-5 times a week including weight lifting (my arms are getting muscles and the bat wings are disappearing) but I can see it creeping back over time if I don’t watch what I’m putting into my mouth.  I’ve consumed more chocolate and Almond Roca than I care to admit.  I will be returning to the clinic this Friday to sign up for another 10 weeks as I still need to get down another 40 pounds.  I need to get started on the medications again and get my vitamin shots.  But I am at a total of 60 pounds lost.  I am really going to have to get in the proper disciplined mind set for the upcoming food frenzied holidays.

Family drama is at its best, as usual.  What I have come to find is that if outside elements such as certain horrible skeletons in the closet and the sister’s of my mother, would not stick their claws into my mother’s, my sister’s and my life, we would actually be fine.  I’m just plain sick of it all.  However, my mother and I still disagree on a lot and we have nasty blow outs (this last Saturday being one which ended in her mocking my lonely depression pain by playing a “violin” and saying “whoa is me” and me tell her “fuck you”….yeah…it was ugly) BUT we always return to each other and unspoken apologies are…well…unspoken and I’ll accept an unspoken apology as opposed to no apology.

20131110_003758

Snickers

My cat is doing MUCH better.  He is my little Fuzzy Face and I love him SOOO much that it weirds me out how much I do!  He’s a brat though.  I got my Xmas tree up this past weekend and he was all over it playing with the ornaments but so far, nothing broken and he has since lost interest.

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My Christmas Tree

Speaking of getting my Xmas decorations, they are up.  I mean, sheesh, a local station is already playing Xmas music as I type this so what is wrong with getting my decorations up even before Thanksgiving.  I needed the holiday cheering up anyway and Xmas lights and Xmas songs will cheer me up every time.

I am still as lonely as ever.  I have, once again, come to the conclusions that I will never find a man to love me because of the horrific combination that I don’t trust men and that most are liars and cheats.  I know that sounds so cliché but I call it like I see it.  However, I’m taking the steps to get out of the overall lonely mode in general.  I’ve made friends with the parents of The Boy’s best bud in school.  I took both boys to the Ontario Fury Soccer game yesterday and it was fantastic!  The Boy is also going to be spending a day of Thanksgiving break with his friend so I get a night off.  It’s also nice to see a good, hard working family is a part of my kid’s life.

I am no longer going to Montana to visit my sister for Xmas.  The expense was going to be much but most of all, I couldn’t take a 3 days road trip with my mother and sister.  I know I would lose my mind and I know they would to, having to deal with me and my grumpy attitude sometimes.  Also, my car is not up to par.  I just had a quote of almost $1000 of work that needs to be done.  I had planned on going to San Francisco to the Walt Disney Museum over the Thanksgiving weekend but I had to fix my car and I couldn’t afford a rental.  So those repairs need to get done.

So, I’m taking that money I was going to spend and after sending out my niece and nephew their presents and getting all my other Christmas gifts (mostly gift cards), I’m getting a 3 day multi—pass to Disneyland and getting a hotel room nearby and spending the weekend after Xmas there.  I miss my Annual Pass tremendously (although I have a plan in the works on getting those back again) so I want to spend some time at my “Happy Place” and rejuvenate my smile again.

Other than that…I’m still here trekking along.

The Nothing….is winning

This will not be a fun happy post.  This will not recap all the wonderful things happening to me lately.  In fact, I would like to cover how my brain is slowly being taken over by The Nothing.

mx_040KeanuReevesFor those who have seen The Matrix, there is a scene, in the first film of that Trilogy, where Neo is hooked up and they are pulling him out of the Matrix and he begins to hallucinate that he is being covered with some sort of silver, metallic goo which slowly starts to cover his whole body

This is a perfect example of how The Nothing is slowly covering my soul.  I try to stay strong, be with God and believe He has a plan for me and my loneliness.  For the most part, I do believe He has a plan.  That plan is for me to be alone, to not have one friend (yes, I have not one single solitary friend) and He also plans for me to never find love.

On a daily basis, I do not enjoy this plan.  In fact, I give this plan the bird, because, even if I made mistakes in my past, I certainly am not deserving of this pain now.

So, let’s discuss pain.  I have found that heart ache, emotional and mental pain is so much worse than any physical pain I could ever feel.

I will now admit something which prompted me to make this blog private

On a daily basis, I have to stay away from sharp objects and garages where a car is left running and I’m sure you ALL understand what I mean.  Some days, I feel like any physical pain is better than this emotional torment that drags me the 7th level of hell.  On a daily basis, I want to just not exist anymore.

But then where would that leave my child?  The Boy who relies on me not being a bitch of a yelling mother to him.  It is enough that he has to occasionally deal with my outburst of mental instability.  Even though those occurrence are VERY few, they do happen.  Just last week, I lost it with him because I had told him, for the 5th time, to make his bed.  Where did I find him? In front of that damned TV.  I lost it.  The result was broken Chima Lego sets and everything on the floor and me yelling “Clean it UP!” before I stormed out of his room and slamming the door.

I did return to apologize, help him and explain WHY I had reached that point.  I’m done hearing myself nag.  However, I still felt he needed an explanation and an apology, something I never received in the almost daily occurrence of my own mother’s bipolar mental outbreaks (but now I understand why as she had 3 kids to deal with and one was not even hers) which usually included a lot more than just broken toys on the floor.  I’d be lucky if I walked away from those without a knot in my head or a bloody nose.  Of course, I had a mouth on me and that didn’t help.  But I digress…

I find it hard, lately, to find any hope in anything, to find any happiness in anything.  I have lost my smile, my laugh and I surely miss them.

I simply exist.  I go to work, pay my bills, feed my child, feed my cat and that is all.  I no longer eat (I do not exaggerate, I would say I get about 900 calories a day simply because food offers no joy anymore, neither in taste or anything) and wouldn’t have any food in the fridge if it weren’t for feeding a constantly hungry boychild.  I don’t sleep anymore, surviving on about 3-4 hours a night.

I’m tired of seeing the wicked of this world win…seeing people in relationships and using and/or abusing their significant others while I live a life of lonliness.  A life completely void of any human touch or affection.

It is this void that feeds The Nothing.  That void, which should be filled with love of another, is just a void and The Nothing ravishes this void with vigor.  It consumes me and makes me feel soul-less.

It will probably pass.  I will continue to go to work, feed my kid, do my exercise, pet my cat but I am a shell of a person just robotically swaying through the motions.

Inside, there just feels like nothing…

But hey, I did get a $25 AMC card for dressing up at work on Halloween. I get to see Thor this weekend…that is IF The Boy doesn’t complain because he doesn’t want to see it.

ANNOUNCEMENT!

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My blog will be going PRIVATE.  To be able to access my blog is by invitation only.

I am doing this for one main reason and that is I really don’t like that as of late, I’ve had VERY shady followers.  Some followers are spam followers but last straw for me was a porn blog that started following me.  I thought that WP didn’t allow porn to use wordpress.com as their blog but apparently that is a lie.  I don’t feel comfortable with those kinds of “blogger” following my posts.

If you would like an invite to my blog please request such in this post.  Posting will be the only way that I will send you an invite.

It will be going private within the next day.

Thanks!

 

*EDIT* I wanted to add that I will also be cleaning up the blogs that I follow.  More than likely if I have noted that you want to be invited, I’ll not drop following you🙂

Weekly Weigh In – Changed things up a bit..

I did something different this time.  I did not check in at the clinic this past Friday.  My 10 weeks there are up and I will have to pay for another round of 10 weeks but, I think I’m just going to buy the medication separately, which i just take every other day now anyway, and just go in maybe twice a month for the Lipo injection.  I don’t know when I’m going back in though.  I’m tempted to buy another 10 weeks just to keep myself on track for the last 30 or 40 lbs I need to lose.

I did weigh myself on the scale in my apartment’s workout room Saturday morning and I was pleasantly shocked.

What were the results??

 4 lbs lost this week

Total: 59 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

I changed my work out just a bit.  I added another arm weight lifting routine because I am still working on these batwings that appeared.  I’m really hating them especially since I am lifting weights specifically on that target area.  Blegh.

I am also jogging more than just power walking.  I guess it worked because 4 lbs in a week is pretty good.

Weekly Weigh In – I’m officially at a plateau…..

*sigh*  This past Tuesday was probably the worse “binge” day I’ve had since starting this journey back in May.  Not only did I have way to much chocolate cake at work but I ate the In N Out fries my kid didn’t eat that night AND finished his strawberry shake.  And I didn’t work out that evening because that is the evening that I take The Boy to hockey lessons.

The next day, I felt like a weighed down beached whale.  I have to keep reminding myself I am no where NEAR the maintenance point yet, where I can binge every once in a while like that.  I still have a good 50 more lbs to drop.

What happened Tuesday, must never happen again.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

 Nothing this week😦

Total: 55 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Once again, I have lost nothing.  So, I believe that I’m officially at a plateau.  Today, I lost nothing.  Last week, I lost 2 and the week before, I lost nothing.

And I feel that I have so much further to go.  I know that I’ve come so far but sometimes it seems that the end of this road is getting further and further away with each step of progression I achieve.  It’s such a weird psychological phenomenon.

I need to purchase another 10 weeks at the medical clinic but I may have to put that on hold as I need to find the money from somewhere.  I do want to keep getting the Vitamin injections.  I’m not one to be disciplined enough to take vitamins every day so getting the injections weekly is good for me.  I will have to see what I can do or how I can budget it since now, I owe my step-grandmother about $900 on her Care Credit card that paid for my cat’s hospitalization and meds.

One thing that I haven’t put up in a while is BMI

BMI at starting weight:

BMI 42

BMI at current weight:

BMI 32 190 lbs

I am amazed that I’m STILL in the “Obese” section.  I guess a size 10 is considered obese now?!

But that is what I’m talking about when I say this just seems like a VERY long road.  What weighs heavy on my mind is that I absolutely CAN NOT go back to being fat.  There is WAY to much at risk.  And in all honesty, I made it that way with this blog, with kind of  bragging to others about a significant weight loss.  I gain that all back and I’m just a loser.  I know, I’m not really, it’s just what my inner brain tells me.  So in a way, it’s GOOD that I’ve put myself in this place.  It holds me accountable and that is what is keeping my progression going.

More importantly, The Boy deserves a healthier mom.  I can’t let that kid down.

I must keep losing and stay on track.  There is more at stake here than just looks.  I need to figure out how to get out of this stagnant place.  I am literally 1 lb away from exiting another number milestone.  I might change up my exercise?  Or maybe just not binge on In N Out fries and Strawberry shakes…yeah THAT may be the answer!  Sheesh!

Yeah, can I just spend the rest of my life drunk?

drinking-drunk-toast-alcohol-drinking-ecards-someecards

I know, bad title especially for those who do deal with drinking problems, but I really have to admit…these past few days I’ve just wanted to drink my existence into oblivion.

I’m so emotionally drained.  The cat threw up on Saturday but the reason why is unknown to me.  He may have eaten to fast or something.  He hasn’t thrown up again and is seeming to be doing fine.  He is VERY clingy to me now though.  Now, he only eats his dinner IN my lap, nowhere else.  I would feed him all meals in my lap if it would get him to eat and gain weight but I have to work and can’t.  So, only his dinners are in my lap, on the couch.  I will now have to work my evening schedule around lap feeding my cat.  What’s funny is if you knew this cat’s personality, being clingy and cuddly is NOT what this cat is about so the constant “I MUST be sitting right on your lap” attitude he’s adopted is new for me.  I like it, but then realize, it’s just another whiny, clingy living creature I have to contend with.

I also have to give him medications, twice a day.  Antacids, for the upset tummy and Antibiotics for the mouth infection.  Apparently, there is no easy way to give a cat medications through a syringe or dropper.  He fights me every time and sometimes, sprays the medication all over the place and me because he shakes his head.  This morning, I made the mistake of getting fully dressed for work BEFORE giving him his meds.  Let’s just say I had to change just before walking out the door.

The total cost for this whole ordeal, after 3 nights of hospitalization, the initial first visit and the two meds and special food: $916.00  I have no words….

Anyway, the other clingy, whiny creature I contend with is The Boy.  I swear, I love that kid to death but he seriously needs to just grow a pair.  Harsh, I know, but he whines and complains at every little scratch or bump.  He hit his head while playing soccer at school and got a sore in his mouth, where the ball hit him.  Now it’s whining and moaning every time he eats because it stings the sore.  I say suck it up kid!  You want to play ice hockey?  You gotta learn to suck it up!  Are you  bleeding? No.  Anything broken? No. Then suck it up!

I’m mean, I know but hell! I used to play volleyball with dislocated fingers and busted knees!  My coach would say “wrap that up and let’s go!  You’re our best setter!”

The Boy needs to suck it up….

On top of that, I had another riling verbal go at it with my mother and sister after church on Sunday.

My sister…I laugh at her sometimes.  Not because I’m making fun of her but because she is trying to hold onto the last dying hope that our mother will actually stop trying to control our lives and not have “selective amnesia” when it comes to things we say.  I’ve told my mother I do NOT like when The Boy interrupts our adult conversations just so he can get a game on her iPad or to get her to turn her mobile WiFi on.  He knows to NEVER do that with me nor when my sister and I our talking.  Yet, when my mother is there…he turns into a disrespectful little bugger.  It’s because she allows it.

So, apparently, my mother doesn’t remember the 50 times I’ve told her that I will not allow disrespectful interrupting from The Boy, even though my sister backed up pretty much each time I’ve told her, as she has heard me say it to our mother, multiple times.  Nope, I get a “You have NEVER told me that” from my mother.

It’s unbelievable…

Our mother is also pissed we aren’t going to a baby shower of a cousin we never see nor hardly even know.  The only reason this cousin haphazardly invited us, through our mother, is so she can get more gifts.  It’s so blatantly obvious.  Our mother wants us to go and why does she? Well, I would assume it would be to “show us off” per say.  Especially me, who has lost all kinds of weight.  Now, apparently, I look good enough for her to brag about it.  With my mother, it’s all about how we look to others.  So sad really.

So, my sister calls me yesterday evening, after that harrowing conversation we all had saying “why do I need to go somewhere because SHE wants me to”? I simply tell her “Uh…sweetie…you don’t.  You are 30 years old.  You can do whatever the hell you want.  I’ve been telling you this for years now”.  She knows that she needs to let go of trying to please our mother, as I have done many years ago.  She also needs to come to terms that our mother will always hand out the guilt trips when she doesn’t get her way and my sister needs to learn to just push away.  Being close to our mother is something my sister has always reveled in, compared to me, who has always tried to steer clear from getting to attached to her.  But I’ve told her, there is a REASON I keep my distance.  She may just have to learn the hard way.

She’ll soon see the whole picture for what it really is and understand why I deal with our mother as little as possible.

And with all this stress, I didn’t realize that I was ripping my fingers to absolute shreds.  My cuticles, every single one of them, are not now doused in antibiotic ointment and have a bandaid wrapped around them.  It got so bad that I couldn’t feel the tips of my fingers anymore.  I really need to get a hold of this disease.

Hockey and Zombies

What a great combination huh?!?  How about zombies PLAYING hockey!  Don’t we all wish.  But no, this is just two subjects put into one post.

Hockey

Ontario Reign Hockey has begun and they are off to a great start!  Saturday, we had ice seats to the Pre-Season game and it was fun, of course!  Also, during the Chuck a Puck, which is where you buy little foam pucks to throw into the bed of a Toyota Tundra, my puck got in the bed AND was picked to be entered to win the truck!  Of course, that won’t happen until the end of the season in April but still, it was nice to hear my number announced!

They won and it was a good game.

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I got video of a pretty good fight. The Boy gets all pumped up with fights.

Sheesh, so much violence! LOL

Next game is this Saturday.  Also, the venue that houses these games is starting a Soccer league this year so hopefully I can make it to a few of those to!

Zombies (Warning: Spoilers ahead….enter at your own risk)

Season 4 of The Walking Dead has started.  Strange things are afoot in the prison and I have a feeling I will begin to start watching with a pillow around my face

Remember….me = scaredy cat

First, is there an AIRBORNE illness now?!  We see a dying, then soon dead, pig.  We get strange looks from Rick as he thinks.  Then we see a sick, with what seems like the flu, young man in the group.  He just looks like he’s got a flu.  Last scene, he dies after hacking into the water/shower supply.  He drops dead, alone, in the middle of the night, on the shower floors.

Two living things die simultaneously can mean many things.  One, they are getting their vegetables and food from the ground near where Walkers are all dying.  Maybe the Walker fluid is infecting the crops.  Two, there is something airborne going on.  No longer do you need to get bit or just die to turn.  However, this contradicts that everyone is infected and once dead, if not shot or stabbed in the brain, they turn.

Or it could be door number 3, which is what I think it is.  I think that the boy who died, simply, just died.  People do die for random things and this new world doesn’t look like the most sanitary place to be.  He may have just been a sickly boy to start off with, couldn’t handle the fever and died.  Another possibility could be that being that all are infected, it could break down the immune system?  This boy could have been the start of ongoing sickness? And possibly, sickness is a bit stronger in this world.

The main problem was that no one knew he was dead to be able to dispose of him properly.  It was in the middle of the night, and of course, he would change.  It was an unfortunate coincidence that he drops dead, in the middle of the night, with all asleep, in the back showers of their facility.  Meaning, he’s going to get up, and start biting whatever he can.  Of course, this theory could be tossed out by simply pointing out how fast he got sick then dropped dead.  That, may point it right back to something airborne.  However, if he did just get sick and randomly secretly died, they will have to start monitoring when people die.  Or else, they will end up with dead changing and going on a biting rampage before they can get to them.

We shall see!

_2013-10-10T11-30-40_1d649530c8cb443589a26fe2137568bd-c8ad30e62bb9cf223f0f6a706700342cThen there is Creepy Clara in the woods.  I thought for SURE that they were going to introduce some sort of hybrid talking Walker/Human.  This woman was disgustingly gross!  She was growing fungus on her face!

It turns out, she was just insane.  I have a feeling there will be more insane humans randomly walking around that are alive and not dead.  And it was weird for me because, she had the same name as me.

All in all, it’s gonna get ugly fast for those in the Prison.  The Apocalypse Utopia they created in the prison won’t be lasting for long.

It’s finally time!

In a few hours, I finally go to pick up my cat.  I’m nervous as to what the final amount will be that I have to pay them before they will release him to me.  I’m hoping it’s not to much and I told them that if they needed to do more than what was quoted to me, to let me know.  The only extra thing I told them to do was clip his nails.

I just want my cat back.  The visit yesterday was a bit harrowing.  He was not calm and very nervous.  They brought him in actually attached to the IV pole this time.  So, I was nervous having him walking around and wanting to jump off the table, afraid that the IV would rip out of his little leg.  His eyes were still wide and scared looking and this time, he didn’t calm down when I tried to hold him close and kiss his head.  He just wanted to run away.  Of course, he doesn’t understand that we are trying to make him feel better.  He probably thinks he’s being tortured and that kills me.

To add the icing on this miserable cake of mine, I think all this stress as of late is getting to me.  I am feeling sickness coming on.  I was fine as of a few hours ago, then suddenly, my nose itches, my head hurts and my throat feels scratchy.  It came on so quickly that I’m wondering if it’s just allergies, which could very well be the case.  Regardless, I’m going to be sitting on my couch tonight, hugging my cat, watching the Dodgers play against the Cardinals in Game 1.

Go Dodgers!

Weekly Weigh In – Hockey here I come!

That’s right!  It’s Hockey time!

Hockey games are now starting.  For those who didn’t follow my blog earlier this year, I go to A LOT of hockey games.  Not the L.A. Kings or Anaheim Ducks, as much as I would love to be able to go to those, but to an ECHL league housed just minutes from my apartment.  For more on that, read this.

I must say, I’m really excited to be back in those Suite or Ice seats, with all the usual fans around, and let them all see the new me.  I usually only take The Boy and we always have the same seats, either in a Suite box or front row, right next to the ice.  I can assure you, there are more men that sit near the ice than women.  I’m just sayin’….*wink*

We are going to a game tomorrow night, ice seats. Yay!

Two small observations…

1) I can actually CROSS my legs comfortably while sitting at my office desk, something I’ve NEVER been able to do.

2) I had to wear a belt with a pair of black dress pants.  Not only did I have to wear a belt, but I put on a belt that I couldn’t even get around my waist a few months ago, let alone actually buckle it to the second hole.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

2 more lbs down!

Total: 55 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Ok, back in business!  I didn’t exercise much this week due to the Kitty crisis.  However, I also had zero appetite because of my worry and stress over the Kitty crisis.  So, maybe it was a good thing I didn’t exercise because I may have emancipated myself!

However, I am almost out of another number range…..almost there!

He wears the Cone of Shame

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So, my Baby Kitty is sporting the most infamous Cone of Shame.

The Boy and I rushed down to the hospital to visit with him after I picked him up from school.  When they brought him in the room he had an IV needle in his leg.  Apparently, he had been in the middle of one of his fluid treatments so he had to be unhooked from the bag to be brought to us.  We brought him his mousy toy but he wasn’t interested.  He hated that cone around his head.  I was holding him and talking to him and he kept looking up towards my voice but couldn’t see me because the cone wouldn’t let him move his head.  His eyes were very wide, like he was still unsure as to what the heck was going on.  I just bent down and kissed his head like I normally do when we cuddle on the couch.  He seemed like he wanted to run though.  So, I wasn’t sure if he recognized us at all but I did notice that only when I bent down to kiss his head and whisper at him, was when he would calm down.

The nurse did say that the vomiting has stopped and they are easing him back into it eating.  We will be going back again tonight to visit and should be able to bring him home tomorrow evening (after I pay another $300 *sigh*).

keep-calm-and-smile-don-t-cryI feel like I’ve been walking around the past few days with a HUGE lump in my throat.  Almost, like I could just start crying at any given moment.  Composing this post was hard enough to do without wanting to scream.  I want to cry all the time.  I’m pathetic.

Last night, I finally went to bed around 12:30 and just cried, yet again.  I really need to get a hold of myself.  But I tell myself, at least I’m falling apart in privacy and not at my desk at work, or in front of The Boy or something like that. I’m still functioning fine at work and interact with others without falling apart.  I’m staying strong when The Boy is watching me.  I”m actually proud of how The Boy has handled this.  He is keeping it together nicely and just doesn’t like to see me get emotional.But when I’m alone, after The Boy has long gone to sleep, I become a heap of a blubbering mess.

Sometimes, I really curse my over dramatic emotional character.

I cried…

I’ve had a little bit of time to let this all sink in.  I swing from telling myself this really just sucks to telling myself “Good Lord, woman! Pull yourself together! It’s just a cat!”

Last night, I didn’t finally go to bed until way past midnight, but that has been the normal occurrence with me lately, even before this whole fiasco.  When I finally did go to bed, I opened my bedroom window, as is the habit because that is where he likes to stand, perched on his cat tree and staring out into the night.

I laughed at myself and turned to go to bed.  As I laid down, I patted the mattress. *pat..pat* as is the custom when I’m telling him I’m in bed now and he can jump up with me, but only if he wants.  Most of the time he never does.

Then I cried….I cried and cried.  I cried because I knew I finally could.  The Boy was asleep and wouldn’t see me.  That kid was actually pretty strong when we said goodnight to him last night and left him at the hospital.

But I cried and I thought things like  “that dumb cat…” and “it’s JUST A CAT!”

Maybe he is just a cat, but he is still flesh and blood.  I saw his xrays.  I saw his organs and bones.  That was actually pretty neat.  He has a functioning brain.  However, being flesh and blood means, he gets diseases and apparently kidney disease is pretty common.

Tonight, at 5:00 pm, I will rush out of work to go pick up The Boy then rush to the Hospital and visit with him.  The Boy wanted us to bring his toy mouse, which is sitting in my car right now.  Then it will be goodbye’s again and I repeat that for the next three days.

Photo from vet-pet-health-advice.com

The bright side is that Kidney Disease is treatable and he wasn’t given a death sentence.  He will need to take medications or I will probably have to give him at home fluid therapy, something I will have to learn how to do.  I’m also going to need to put him on a special diet, all of which will be explained to me better when I pick him up but I have done some reading on this and I am kind of aware of what I will have to do to treat him.

The grand total for yesterday, after the physical exam, the blood work, urine tests and after the 60% down for his 3 night hospital stay was about $650 I needed to pay up front.  When I pick him up Friday, I’ll need to pay the other 40%.  Luckily, for me, my step-grandmother would have nothing of it when she heard me telling my mother that I couldn’t do that and was just going to take whatever medications I could afford and bring him back home.  She told my mother to charge it on her Care Credit card and I’ll be paying her back in payments.  She also has an 8 year old orange tabby and is a huge cat lover.  She almost flipped her lid when I said I couldn’t get him hospitalized to get the IV fluids in him to hydrate him again.  Believe me…you do NOT want to have a little old Cuban woman scolding you in Spanish.  It can be very intimidating.  I took her offer.

So, I feel a bit guilty that I possibly couldn’t have afforded to keep him in the hospital to get his IV and that I had to borrow a large chunk of money to get him hospitalized but I’ll be paying her back and they know I’m good for it.  Fitting payments into my budget is a lot better for me than just shelling out almost $1000 for this whole thing, at once.

I wished that I could have a back up credit card or something for things like this.  I can’t afford to keep a savings because I live paycheck to paycheck and no company will even give me a credit card because I have 2 BK’s on my record.  So, I am a bit worried about whether I will be able to keep up with the cost of his medications.

But I’m going to try not to think about that.  I just want these next three days to go by quickly, mostly for The Boy’s sake.

I swear, I am going to be in a horrific state when that cat does die.  My kid held it together better yesterday than I did when we were saying goodbye to him.  I’m such an emotional freak of nature sometimes.

My cat has Kidney Disease

Last night, I had to leave my cat to spend three nights in the hospital.

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After the exam, xrays and blood work the doctor said that he was dehydrated because of the vomiting. He also has a slight bacterial infection in his mouth.  But more importantly, he also has chronic kidney disease.

He will get IV fluids in him and get antibiotics for the bacteria infection.  The Boy and I will visit him every day after I pick him up from school.  We’ll bring him home Friday with medications and food.

It was hard leaving the hospital without bringing him home, but I had to keep my composure for The Boy’s sake.  It was even harder sitting on my couch and not seeing him walking around anywhere.

I kept my composure until after I put The Boy to bed and got in the shower to wash this cruddy day off.  Then I cried.  I’m going to be a basket case when it’s that cat’s time to really go. And don’t even ask how much it was to have him in the hospital three nights with IV’s in him. Honestly, I didn’t really care about the cost.

So, he will be on medications and on a special diet for the rest of his life.  I also think I may invest in pet insurance, especially if I’m going to be paying for medications on a regular basis.

I’m better now but I know these will be the longest three days of my life.

Vet visit happens today…

Update:

Since I last posted, I called the first Vet that I had the Saturday appointment for to ask if I could just bring him in today.  The doctor that is usually there in the afternoon, isn’t there and she wanted me to come in tomorrow or keep my Saturday. This was AFTER I told her he was vomiting.

I went to an online search for another vet hospital…screw that!

I found another Animal Hospital that will take him this afternoon BECAUSE he’s vomiting.  I’m leaving work in an hour to take him there.

My co-worker, who used to work at a Vet Hospital, said that vomiting, especially in an animal that NEVER vomits, is never good and I should take him into the Vet E.R.

I’m a fucking wreck…

For the first time in almost 4 years, I’m worried about my furbaby

There is something wrong with him.  It’s been a gradual “something” over the past few months.

First, he was super finicky about his foods and I was bouncing back and forth trying to find what he liked.

Then, he straight out refused dry food of any kind, so I stuck to only wet food.

Then, he began losing weight, or so it seemed, I wasn’t sure.  His back end is super thin around his tailbone and hind legs and his stomach sinks in when he walks (it’s hard to describe).  He still eats but not a whole lot and he eats in sessions, meaning he eats small amounts over time.  That is hard for me because I’m at work during the day so I can’t keep refilling his food on an hourly basis and if the food stays on his plate to long, he refuses it.  This is a new problem.

I’ve also noticed, as of late, when he eats, he has a gag type reflex.  He’ll eat, then kind of open his mouth and heave like something is stuck somewhere and he’s trying to get it out.  Usually, he’s fine after a few seconds.

He also drools, a lot.  I thought that was normal but I was told by my cousins’ husband, who owns three Vet clinics in Orange County, that drooling is not normal and it could mean he’s nauseated.

Then, this morning, he threw up for the first time, ever.  I know he did hack a hairball about a year ago but that was all he’s ever done in the 3/12 years I’ve had him.  I fed him when I got up, like I normally do and he ate.  Then about 3 minutes later, he threw everything he had just ate back up.  I was just about to leave for work when he did this so I left a bit more on his plate just in case he wanted to eat more.

Now, I’m sitting here at work, just sickened with worry and wondering what I need to do.  I have a vet appointment for him on Saturday but now, I’m debating whether I should call the vet and ask if they can see him tonight.

Worse than this, I feel like I did something wrong.  I was bending over backwards to get him food he would eat and now I feel dumb thinking I read somewhere that drooling in cats is normal.  Maybe I read that about dogs?  But I feel riddled with guilt that I didn’t take care of him properly.  Or that I didn’t take him to the vet sooner.

I’m going to make some phone calls in a bit here, I might have to get my parents to take The Boy to hockey practice tonight.

Weekly Weigh In – Size 10’s, no comments and a clean bill of health!

Size 10’s

Well, I broke down and just went and bought size 10 dress pants.  Remember, this post where I was saying the size 12’s were way to droopy on me.  I got the size 10’s.  Now, granted, they are a bit tight in the waist area but I’m sure that won’t last for long.  The size 12’s were the same way and before a month was through, they just didn’t work anymore.

But they are SIZE 10’s!!!  I haven’t been a size 10 since 15 years ago and even then, I don’t think I was a size 10.  Maybe an 11-12.🙂

People noticing….

I don’t know if it’s some sort of socially unacceptable practice to never notice or comment when someone has lost a very noticeable amount of weight.  I would think saying “wow…you’ve gotten fat” is A LOT worse than saying “wow..you’ve gotten skinny”.  But what do I know?  I’m socially dumb sometimes.

However, I would love it if people actually noticed by commenting.  I mean for all that is GOOD AND HOLY I’VE LOST FRIGGIN 53 POUNDS!  It has GOT to be showing in other peoples’ eyes!  I know I most certainly would not be offended in the least if comments were made.  Of course, the commenter may not know that I wouldn’t be offended, so I understand.

On the flip side, it’s interesting the messages that peoples’ eyes can give out when they notice something very different.  In some cases, such as my co-workers who have see me fat for almost a year, I can see in their eyes that they notice.  I guess that works for me.  And I know that when you see someone every day, as co-workers have, the change is slight compared to not seeing me for months on end and then see the drastic change from 5 months ago to today.

It would be nice if someone said something though.  But I guess I have to rely on the little kids for those kinds of observations.

Clean Bill of Health!

A month ago, I went to the doctor for a normal check up visit.  I actually hadn’t been to the doctor in years.  I was really expecting the worse regarding my ovaries.  Yesterday, I had my follow up appointment for the results of all the blood work, Mammo  and ovary ultrasound.

Apparently, I have a clean bill of health.  The doctor went over all my blood work numbers with me.  Cholesterol and sugar levels are perfect.  The Mammo was normal and my ovaries actual are normal size, not enlarged.  So it baffled me why I was in so much pain last week but I think some months the ovaries work more than other months.

I thought back and realized, never, in all my doctor visits, have I EVER had pretty much nothing wrong with me.  Either my ovaries were enlarged, or my blood work came back with possible Lupus or high cholesterol.

Considering that history, I can ONLY assume that the weight loss is the prime result of good numbers.  I mean, this is the most weight I’ve lost ever and for the longest amount of time.  What other assumption can I make?  The doctor was even a bit taken aback because I was in perfect health.

It’s bizarre really, because I’ve always been a sickly person, always in and out of the hospital for something.  Who’d a thought, fat was the culprit.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

0 more lbs down

Total: 53 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

For the first time, in exactly 5 months, today, I have lost nothing on my Weekly Weigh In.  In fact, I think the nurse recorded that I gained a pound simply because the scale kept jumping up one pound, down one pound and I think she just glanced at the scale when it was up one pound.  In reality, I gained like 3 ounces which probably wouldn’t have shown up had I peed before I weighed in.

I will admit, I am feeling disappointment at no loss, but after reading what I posted above, it’s all good.  I would still like to know what happened this week.  I don’t recall doing anything differently and have worked out 4 times this past week (Sunday-Thursday, except Tuesday).

But hey! A clean bill of health makes up for the disappointment.

I know this is getting long but I also have an interesting photo of me….

My mother found this photo in her iPad about a week ago.  When she showed it to me, the first thing I yelled out (yes I YELLED it out) was “NEVER AGAIN!”  And being that we were in a Japanese Restaurant at the time, I got looks.

This photo was taken in April of this year, 2013.  It was in front of my church and it was with my kid, sister, father and aunt (who I’ve cut out but were all to the right of me in the photo).

245

245 lbs

Each time I look at it I want to yell out over and over “NEVER AGAIN!!!”  and believe me folks…I look NOTHING and I mean NOTHING like that photo.

My face, there are no more multiple chins and I wear makeup now.

My stomach doesn’t look like I’m 8 months pregnant.

Those jeans…I think those jeans were given to Goodwill about 2 months ago.  Those were the jeans that fell off me once and got me to start stocking up on the smaller sizes just for motivation.  Sizes that I have since worn and some sizes I have since also given to Goodwill or traded in for smaller (see Size 10 comments above).  The top I’m wearing in that photo is long gone to.  It was purchased at a store called Torrid, for plus sizes.  The thing started hanging on me so much that I could practically wear it as a dress.  I gave that to the Goodwill as well, along with all the other 2X tops I had.

Screw the woman in that picture.  That woman looks tired, haggard and way older than she really is.  That woman was sad and depressed and on her way to diabetes and heart failure.

Lord Almighty I don’t even know WHO that woman is!  But I can assure you that I never want to see her again!

Go Dodgers!

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Congratulations of each other after a good play from last nights Game 1. (Photo from Yahoo News)

That’s right folks. I am a Dodgers fan.  I’m actually third generation of Dodger fans.  My grandfather would have the game on religiously.  Just about every game from what I remember when I was younger.

Last night, The Boy and I got home, dropped all our stuff and turned on the game.  I quickly made dinner (BTW the Orange Chicken from Trader Joe’s is the BEST!) and then I went down to the workout room for a spin on the treadmill while watching the game.  I even as a maintenance guy to please please PLEASE turn the T.V. to the game…PLEASE!

This was my view during my workout last night…best ever!

This was my view during my workout last night…best ever!

It was the fastest workout ever, not because I cut it short but because, it just went by fast because I was concentrating on the game.  I also almost knocked myself off the treadmill after the first home run was hit by Adrian Gonzalez and I cheered.

I watched the rest of the game on my couch after my workout.  I let The Boy stay up until 9 to finish the game out.  There were some *icky* moments like where the pitcher kinda started to lose it but he was just kidding because all the sudden his pitching was spot on.  All in all, Clayton Kershaw pitched a pretty good 7 innings straight.

Dodgers win Game One, 6-1

Tonight is Game Two and I’m leaving The Boy with my parents and taking my sister out to watch it.  Unfortunately, being that the game is in Atlanta, it starts at 3pm my time (Pacific) so I will still be at work and will miss a big chunk of the game but that doesn’t mean I won’t be listening to it on my cell phone at work.  Then when 5:00 rolls around…I’m outta here! Hopefully, we can catch the last few innings with other Dodger fans at a local bar.  I haven’t done the local bar scene for a sports game since the Lakers had their winning streak in 2000.

So, I kinda wondering…how am I still single?  I mean…I love me some sports…I’ll cheer with the rest of them and actually PREFER a good sports bar, a beer and a good ball game over shopping ANY day.  Add that to the smokin’ hot body that I’m getting….and I wonder that there must be something else wrong with me?

LOL