I was on yahoo news and saw something about a 23 year old who was homeless. I had mixed feelings. Why was a 23 year old homeless? I was never homeless and was out of work.
I tend to think very selfishly. But I find it hard to believe that a selfish person, doesn’t know who they are. Which is the predicament I’m in. I don’t know who I am and wonder who to blame. I became a mother and know that. Still feel the pressure of my own mother. Always feel judged by my own sister. But that could just be me, which is their belief.
But are others not responsible for the reactions they give others? I know I am responsible when I develop foot in mouth syndrome. I know when I’ve pissed off my kid or let my patience run out. I’ve learned a lot about patience being a mother. Mostly, that I have very little of it and I have my father’s explosive temper. But am I not a better person because I recognize this? I guess not.
What I am is a woman who hasn’t known her own identity, ever. I’ve never been loved by a man, even though I was married and bore his child. I’m barely loved by my family and known nothing of being part of a soul mate type connection.
So how do I start this? Well, the way I am I guess. There are things that go through my mind. Things I see daily, things I don’t understand, people I don’t understand. Like the workings of a certain “Christian” school community. And the utter shock that religion, NOT God, religion is really just a bunch of crock. Of course God watches over me and my child. He just sometimes thinks its funny to watch me squirm sometimes. Or maybe all the time. Or to dangle the preverbal carrot in front of me and gaffaw as it’s snatched away.
But there will be no blasphemy in this blog. I don’t intend to defame God, He is good and has saved me in many ways and given me people who I do love and miss greatly (yes Michelle, I still miss you ever single day) and with people who I only associate myself with because we share blood.
I see things daily and wonder this and that about it. But for now..I get ready to go pick up my child and run my daily wish that he had a good day and I don’t have to deny him another priveledge. Actually as I typed that I realized I haven’t had to do that in a while…it’s nice to have my child be my own. Something I haven’t felt in the 7 years he’s been alive. My child is mine….but yes, I do drift back and forth on different tangents…deal.