I had wondered what it would feel like to hear what I heard today. And I was surprised at how I felt.
My mother has the beginnings of breast cancer. The biopsy came back positive.
She just told me today and I felt….I felt sadness. But nothing beyond the sadness one would humanly feel when another human is dealing with a crisis. I don’t know how else to put it.
Some history…I have been detaching from my mother for years now and what she told me today made me realize how utterly and shamefully detached I was.
I had to write about this and let it out because I feel like I’m am going to burn in hell for not feeling. And I can’t shake that it is this detached indifferent feeling that will keep me from being good with God but I, of course, will try and make things as easy as possible for her in any way I can. It is what it is. It did not come from no where as I’ve tried many times to utterly adore as I’ve seen other daughters do with their mothers but..but I can’t.
Please remember this is 35 years of growing indifference in me, always aggravated and again, it does not come from no where.
But as I said above….I will make it all as easy for her as possible because, regardless of what kind of relationship I do or do not have with my mother… because she is still just that.