In a few days, the boy will be 9 years old. Its hard to believe that I’ve been a mother for 9 years. I remember how hard it was for me the first year of his life. But now, it seems like a whole other lifetime. Now, he’s not a baby and we have conversations and he laugh at my jokes.
I can say this:
1) God KNEW I needed to become a mother. If I hadn’t, I would have sunk into the depths of complete and utter selfishness and who knows where that would have left me. It also helps me to balance out my time properly and prioritize properly. I still play games and watch my shows, but I take care of being a mother first.
2) God KNEW I needed a SON. I cringe at the thought of raising a girl. Now, don’t get me wrong, I would have loved a girl just the same. However, I believe my personality to work better with a male. Then again, I could be eating my words because I have not, actually, been the mother of a girl child, so really, what do I know?
3) God KNEW I needed to be a single mother. And here is where it gets tricky.
Being a single parent is not something I would wish on anyone. To not only have to be the mother AND the father is just about the most daunting task anyone can handle and, in my opinion, more work and heartache than being a parent with the other parent around. However, with that being said, I am glad that I have been given that opportunity. And here is why.
I have found out some things about me I would have NEVER known, especially being a single mother. Yes, we all learn all kinds of things when we become parents and we turn into different people. We don’t have the same fears as we did before because those fears are replaced with “parenting” fears. I know that my fear of spiders was non-existent when, many years ago, I saw a pretty big spider swinging down from its webstring from the top of my baby’s stroller and was about to land on my baby. I quickly swooped in and grabbed that thing with my hand. Then, in that moment realized I had a pretty big and pissed off spider in my hand and threw it out and away. Whew!
I have also learned that I CAN do it. Yes, I CAN make house hold repairs, work, pay bills and keep a home all by myself while taking care of another human and a feline. I can plan mini-vacations and drive or arrange travel and hotels and entertainment, all myself. This is significant for me personally because I have always been told, my whole life, that I can’t do anything. My parents, teachers, especially adults when I was a child, always told me “no you can’t”. Well what do you know…apparently I can do something and I can do it RIGHT!
But the question still remains which is do I LIKE doing it that way. The answer is, No. I would prefer to have a husband. But that is not what the cards had in store for me so I just keep doing what I need to do. Because in all honesty, it is ALOT to take on sometimes but when a daunting task is done, I look back and go “I did that!”
These past 9 years has taught me more about myself and who I am than any years before that.