Hello darkness….my old friend…

Sadness, grief, regret.

So much regret.

I just found an old boyfriend on Facebook, someone I had been looking for, for a while. He is married, JUST married and now that ONE decision I made almost 13 years ago hit me so hard I burst into tears. Tears so hard that they stung my eyes. I’ve cried so much no more is coming out.

As I mentioned before, I am divorced, 9 years ago. The man I married, then divorced was one of two men I could have chosen.  He never loved me, he said that himself. He never even wanted to get married.

Needless to say I did not choose wisely.

Who was the other man you might ask?

Well the one I found FB just moments ago, married, smiling happily with his wife in their little profile photo.

Me? I’m all alone…not one friend. So fat and ugly that no one would care a snit about me.

This is the moment when I say fuck my life.

There is a moment, a split second when you realize everything won’t be ok. The “God has a plan” really seems like a bald face lie told by people who just don’t want to hear you whining anymore. Oh really? Then God’s plan is to ensure that I live the next 40+ years in the utter darkness of Lonelyville? Really? Then He can take me now…I’ll pass on that life.

There is no “plan” for the future. Just loneliness. A long dark road heading straight to loneliness.

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2 thoughts on “Hello darkness….my old friend…

  1. Moonlight, I am sorry your heart is so full of hurt. I know how painful it is to review in my mind past decisions, and question why I made such a bad choice. My mind spins like a broken record reviewing the pain again and again and again.

    Please just keep trying. I believe that it is Satan that tells me I am unworthy of friends, that I will never find happiness. (Of course, it is easy for me to believe because I know well all of my faults.)

    Wherever those thoughts comes from, they are a lie. I promise you, they are a lie.

  2. First, thank you for stopping by my blog. I am sorry that you are in this dark and lonely place right now. Depression is definitely a devouring beast that only those who have walked it can understand. I will pray for relief for you, my new friend. As far as ‘God’s Plan’, I think most of us screwed up His perfect plan long ago. What I do know, is that He is sovereign, and can bring about even better things when we make unwise choices the first go-round. He certainly did for me. Be kinder to yourself, love on that boy of yours and continue to press in to Jesus.

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