Sadness, grief, regret.
So much regret.
I just found an old boyfriend on Facebook, someone I had been looking for, for a while. He is married, JUST married and now that ONE decision I made almost 13 years ago hit me so hard I burst into tears. Tears so hard that they stung my eyes. I’ve cried so much no more is coming out.
As I mentioned before, I am divorced, 9 years ago. The man I married, then divorced was one of two men I could have chosen. He never loved me, he said that himself. He never even wanted to get married.
Needless to say I did not choose wisely.
Who was the other man you might ask?
Well the one I found FB just moments ago, married, smiling happily with his wife in their little profile photo.
Me? I’m all alone…not one friend. So fat and ugly that no one would care a snit about me.
This is the moment when I say fuck my life.
There is a moment, a split second when you realize everything won’t be ok. The “God has a plan” really seems like a bald face lie told by people who just don’t want to hear you whining anymore. Oh really? Then God’s plan is to ensure that I live the next 40+ years in the utter darkness of Lonelyville? Really? Then He can take me now…I’ll pass on that life.
There is no “plan” for the future. Just loneliness. A long dark road heading straight to loneliness.