Last night, I had a disturbing dream which involved a certain arachnid that you see pictured below, the Black Widow
I sure wished it was the Black Widow from The Avengers because I would take Natalia Romanova over this mini monster any day. But alas, this dream was not about a beautiful red-head but a deadly spider with a red hourglass.
Note: I apologize for any of those who cringe at the picture I posted. I’m cringing just posting it but I needed visual to get my point across.
I don’t remember how it started. In fact a lot of it was hazy except the Black Widow part. This spider was HUGE. About as huge as the picture you see here….no, it was a lot bigger. It was so huge, I could see its fangs. The thing would not leave me alone. It kept biting me and in my dream, I could feel the pain of the bite.
However, I guess I was pulling it off quick enough each time to not give it time to inject its venom into me after each bite, because it bit me numerous times and I was still able to pull it off each time. It bit me on the hand, forearm, neck, forearm again. After pulling it off each time it would bite, it would pounce at me again like Super Ninja Spider. This thing hated me.
The last thing I remember is pulling it off with its fangs still in me (I could see its fangs IN my skin) and throwing it to my mother, who was also trying to get it off me. That was the end.
What is the significance of that? I assume the introduction of my mother trying to save me from the gargantuan Black Widow was the fact that, last night, before this dream, I confided in her my unwillingness to get up and go to work on Monday and being in a very bad state of depression that day. I was apprehensive about saying it but sometimes my lack of moral support leads me to just blurt out things which will, in turn, make me very vunerable. The minute it came out of my mouth, I regretted. My mother tends to thrive on my vulnerability and uses it to either put me down or boast about how she never would have done something like that because she was the perfect mother….blah…blah…blah.
But she was not judgemental about it. In fact, her face showed, concern. She even admitted that she sometimes needed a day during raising myself, my sister and later my half-brother, to just rest and re-group. Whoa what? She actually was not Super Mom and admitted to being….wait for it…HUMAN?!
For once, in our relationship, I felt safe confiding in her and not cringing waiting for her put downs and judgements to start. It was just for that one moment though as I will not count on that happening again. I don’t trust her and still am vunerable with her knowing that I needed a break. I now get to see how long it takes before this is brought up again and used as a tool to put me down. It’s happened before, I wouldn’t be surprised.
But back to my lovely 8 legged friend. What the heck would make me dream of a super large Black Widow spider biting me, not just once but multiple times and even targeting me for destruction? Maybe the apprehension I felt telling my mother something that would leave me vulnerable, as I was vulnerable to a 50 lb spider?
Or maybe this spider represented depression. I have not one person to confide in when I get into a state of depression. In terms of the dream, no one to tear the spider off and throw it to. No help with my inner “spider”.
Not my sister, she is to wrapped up in her own life of owning her condo and getting her degree to even offer an hour of her time to help me move boxes.
Not my father, I could never confide in him or even have a conversation with him in the past due to him asserting the “I am the authority ” role if I had an opinion other than his own. I just never tried to talk to him much. And now that alzheimer’s is setting in making him inable to speak a full sentence or remember anything past 5 minutes, I keep our interactions to a minimum.
And never my mother, she would throw my weakness back in my face with an example of how wonderful a mother she was and I just have to turn away because she has a MUCH different view of my childhood as it was not wonderful at all.
I know one thing is for sure. Whatever that spider represented, it was something that should be small (as a spider is small) yet, it was portrayed as something rather larger (as it was 5 times as big in my dream than a real spider should be).
That’s a bit frightening.