My Back Story: The Marriage/Divorce

I have spent some time reading many different blogs and I have to say I really thought I was alone in all the feelings and emotions I’ve had as a divorcee and single mother for these past 9 years.

I.am.not.alone

And that feels friggin’ fantastic.

But I do have my own individual story.  Please, take the time to walk down Memory Lane with me.

As Louis from Interview with a Vampire said:

“Shall we begin like David Copperfield? ‘I am born……I grew up.’ Or shall we begin when I was born to darkness, as I call it.”

Well I wasn’t born to darkness, I just liked the way Brad Pitt talked in that scene.

Anyway, I will begin at where the road started to where I am now. I believe God has His hands on all and I believe He looked away as I made the worst decision of my life when I was 22, to walk into that bar on Colorado Blvd, Pasadena, California.

I walked in and sat down at the bar, right next to a very good-looking, dark-haired scruffy bearded male. This man was NOT my type. I liked blondes. However, I still gave this man my number and well, what do you know, he called me.

A year and a half later, we were married.  Its appropriate to mention that at one time during that year and a half, I had a relationship “fork in the road” as I had the chance to choose one of two men: My ex, who I ended up marrying, or another man who was not as adventuresome but was a quiet and devoted man who really did love me…..

As the Grail Knight would say….indiana_jones_grail_knight-you-have-chosen-poorly

Yes, thank you Mr. Knight…much appreciated for pointing that out.

The preparations for the wedding were tormenting to say the least. My parents and sister disapproved of him, and rightly so.

Now, he never hit me or was violent during the 5 years of our relationship (which included a boyfriend/girlfriend status then marriage). He was just what you would call a plain old asshole. I know that is SUCH an ex-wife cliché thing to say but that really is what he was. Even his family thought so. I really do not believe he possessed one ounce of human decency or humanity in him.

To help paint this picture of his personality, I give you this scenario:

While you may feel sadness for the soldiers who die while serving their country (God Bless them) and the families and friends they leave behind, my ex would say “they knew what they were getting into when they signed up…to bad” (and that is actually word for word what he said on that subject one time). *cough* asshole *cough*

He also had a drinking and drug problem but as I think back, his assholery was the worst part of him, which says a lot about his assholery when compared to a drinking and drug problem. And yes, assholery is a word, look it up. You will see a picture of my ex-husband next to it.

But, despite the red BANNERS that were flying up, no they were careening across my face,  (yeah sure…I’ll spend the next 50 years of my life driving your drunk ass around), the wedding proceeded. I blame myself on this point, for being so stupid.

It ended up being a pretty decent wedding. My family probably just gave in to the fact that I was going to go through with this mistake and just decided to go with it. The cake was beautiful. My brides maids, who were my older half-sister, younger sister and best friend, were beautiful. It went great.

Note: On the bright side, I’m glad that my best friend was able to be in the wedding. She lost her battle with cancer 5 years after my wedding. We were 29 years old (her and I were the same age). When I told my Ex, who I had been divorced from already for about 2 years, he shrugged his shoulders. Again, not one ounce of human empathy.

Then the “marriage” started, and I began to realize, what a mistake I made. The man, seemed to loathe me. Now, I did not know this at that time, but looking back….the signs were everywhere. He had no respect for me in the marriage, didn’t allow me to go to classes at night to finish my AA degree. I had to switch my P.M. Watch Police Clerk job to day hours because he didn’t like coming home to an empty house (yet when I was there, he never acknowledged it). I secretly believed he despised that I liked my P.M. Police Clerk job and just didn’t like that. It was very strange. It was like he enjoyed having the extra money that being a part of a marriage brought in, but still wanted to do his own thing and not acknowledge that I was a part of this marriage team and must be considered part of it.

Also, the intimate part of the marriage, was null and void. On top of his apparent loathe for me, he never touched me and to get sex, I had to make him drunk and force myself. I will leave it at that as I would like to keep things PG but for me, as a woman, to not be wanted by your husband is pretty much murder to my already non-existent self esteem. It beat it down into its grave and then peed on it.

Then there was the alcohol and drugs. Ok, I will admit, I participated in both. Hey, I was 24, had a great job, a husband. I really thought this was part of what it was all about. But I never went over board with it. In fact, I stopped participating  and then became not only something he loathed but was also the “ball and chain” wife.

He was also drunk all the time, a “functioning alcoholic” as I later came to find out was the term. He would drink all the time but sure get up and be ready for work the next day. The booze was worse than the drugs, so yay for him choosing the lesser of two evils, maybe.

Our first split up:

This happened just shy of 2 years into our marriage. I decided to leave. I confided in my parents (yes, that was held over my head many times since then of my failure to make a marriage work) and they moved me back into their house.

Then, this man, who was a drunk asshole changed into a sniveling heap.

The change was absolutely astonishing that even my parents were like, huh? He weeped to me on the phone how much he loved me how much he missed me. He weeped to me on the phone that he wanted his wife back. I was shell shocked.

He wrote a letter to my parents saying how much he loved their daughter and wanted me back. They were shell shocked.

It was at this time, during our 4 months separation, I met a lovely police officer at the police station in Los Angeles that I was working at and we hit it off well..but…once again, I failed myself and made, yet another wrong choice at the “relationship fork in the road”. I went back to the crying heap faster than pot heads attack Doritos.

indiana_jones_grail_knight-you-have-chosen-poorly again

Yes, Sir Knight….we get the point…thanks.

I then became pregnant:

So we are back together and we moved into an apartment in Glendale since we lost our other apartment during the separation. That was when, I got pregnant. Although to this day I don’t know how since our sex life was pretty much nothing. But it happened (and no I didn’t cheat…I am not like that, I even felt guilty about dating the cop because I wasn’t officially divorced).

Later, he told me that it was exactly 3 days after we got back together that he knew he shouldn’t have taken me back and he also told me that the crying and sniveling was an act (I am not making this up). He said that just before I got pregnant, he was going to dump my ass back to the curb. The deceit was never ending with this man.

So now I’m pregnant and he is staying with me out of sheer obligation The pregnancy was ok. We ended up renting out a condo from his friend and we got a decent baby room set up. We got two cats (which I lost during the divorce, he sold them for $50 to some vet he knew….we had bought those cats for about $700 together)….and my pregnancy went on without any real complications. I was taken off work at around 7 months because I was getting gall stones (painful) and they could do nothing about it until after the baby was born. So the last 3 months of my pregnancy were actually the most peaceful and calmest three months in my life. I would wake up, whenever and just piddle around with my cats, go shopping (because I was actually getting alot of disability money and an extra $1400 a month from Aflac) and eat. It was great.

The time came to give birth to his son. It was a nightmare.

The birth of my son:

First, he wouldn’t take me to the friggin hospital when the contractions began to make me go insane. Sure, I will admit to a low tolerance for pain, however, I knew enough to know that when the contractions got bad…I should have gone to the hospital. He said to wait and wait and wait and I got so scared that I grabbed the car keys and attempted to prepare to drive MYSELF to the dang hospital! He then took me.

I labored for 12 hours (but had been contracting for long before that). It hurt….

Honestly, I don’t remember much, it was a blur. I remember getting there, pain in the delivery room, then the doctor breaking my water, then more pain, then doctor saying the kid’s head was stuck in my pelvic bone and C-section was necessary. Then the epidural….then painless heaven which included watching Wheel of Fortune while waiting to get wheeled into the operating room.

The baby is born, I get put into the observation room, I hear that my blood pressure is dropping….I pass out.

Next thing I remember, I am in the hospital recovery room and my son is put in my arms as the nurse is trying to teach me how to breastfeed and all I want to do is sleep.

Now, this is what my family told me what happened.

Just after the delivery, when I was in the recovery room with the baby in the incubator, my parents were not allowed into the room to see me or the baby because my husband wouldn’t allow it.

My ex said the nurse told him that no one was allowed.

I am in a state of delirium so I didn’t know what happened!

On this account, I blame both my family and my ex.

My family because they made ME feel guilty about not doing something about this because apparently, even though I had just given birth and I my blood pressure was dropping, I was still supposed to only make sure they had it their way. I honestly didn’t know what was going on.

My ex, because he could have allowed them in, but then again, I really don’t know if he was being stopped by the nurse on that count.

Moving on, the next day my family came to visit and I was more lucid yet I wondered why they were being so mean, to me, my ex and his family. I did find out later all that happened but will never forgive them for making it more difficult than it already was.  But that is who my family is……Drama Royalty.

The Official Divorce:

For a month, I took care of The Boy and loved every minute of it. But I believe I was either suffering from postpartum or something because I just decided to leave my husband. I remember feeling scared. I was scared that I have this child now and it wasn’t just me dealing with his heartless inhumanity but my boy. I had to protect him.

I left 2 months after my son was born. Our divorce was finalized 1 year after that. I was then living with my family. This was in 2004. There were a couple of times he took me back to court after it was finalized to change the orders. More specifically, he took me back one time to request he stop having to pay child support. The judge laughed in his face

Since then, I had to deal with the other issue of mine, my family. My mother in particular. We have never gotten along and her dramatics I just couldn’t take sometimes, especially being back in their house.

However, I made it to today, where for the past 2 years I’ve had my own apartment, been able to take care of myself and The Boy and enjoy adventures together.

Every now and then, my Ex needs information for his medical insurance that he has on The Boy (Insurance coverage is court ordered as well as the child support. He works for L.A. and gets paid pretty decently) and he contacts me.  However, the last interaction I had with him. he needed to know his son’s birth date. He didn’t even know his own son’s birthday. Well that could be because he hasn’t seen his son in 8 years. He’s never sent his son a birthday or Christmas card. I once tried to send my ex and ex-in laws photos, they were returned with a phone call from my ex, to quit harassing them. Although I never understood how sending photos of their grand child who carries his father’s name, was harassment but…whatever.

At one time, I hated that man. I hated him more than I hated any thing on this earth. I do not hate him anymore and I haven’t for a long time. I feel sorry for him. Because my ex gets to miss out on his son learning to skate and playing hockey. He gets to miss out on school open houses and the quirky things he says. He gets to miss out on his mess of long hair and that wonderful smile that can be accompanied by the most jovial laugh. I feel sad for my ex who didn’t want to be a part of a wonderful child’s life.

The Boy is adventuresome and sensitive. He is kind and very smart. He is actually more like me in personality (but that includes the Drama genes, something I resist in myself). But, only physically, is he the image of his father.

Since then, I have only been on one date. I did not follow through.  I really lost trust in not only men but people and most of all, I lost trust in my judgement of character. The combination of this lack of judgement in people and myself and a non-existent self-esteem created a cocktail of fear which lead to loneliness which leads to occasional depression, something I battle daily.

Being a mother has helped me focus on what is important and helps with that battle tremendously. Being a mother to The Boy is the one choice, where……I chose wisely….

“You have Chosen WISELY”

Ah Thank you Grail Knight…I can rest easy now…

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20 thoughts on “My Back Story: The Marriage/Divorce

  1. This is quite a journey you’ve travelled. It’s somewhat sad for The Boy that he’s missing out on a father figure, but considering what that father is like, perhaps it’s for the best. And yes, in the end that father will be the one who’s lost the most.

    Good that pity has replaced your hatred, for when we hate, we’re only hurting ourselves.

    What I find most painful and heart wrenching in this post is your mistrust of others and of yourself. I wish healing and peace for you. And remember, The Boy is an awesome human because of you!

    • I have tried to trust. But when everyone around you, including family, just disappoint you to no end, there is no one left to trust.

      I wished I could though, because non-trust can be just as burdensome as carrying around hatred.

  2. Wow. There are more similarities to my journey, it’s uncanny.

    Sounds like your in a better place now, which is awesome!

    The missing out part really hit home…I’m the custodial parent, and can’t imagine missing out on being a part of my son’t childhood.

    Family can be tough, especially because it’s family. But you know what, toxic is toxic…just saying as no one else probably will.

    • I can not imagine just pushing my kid aside and not looking back either. That alone, made the man I once shared a bed with the most disgusting person on this earth.

      And about family….you should read my next entry. Ode to My Mother…

  3. The loss of trust in your own judgement is the kicker, isn’t it? That’s been the hardest part to get over for me… how could I be so damned WRONG? Ugh… hugs girl, nowhere to go but up! 🙂

  4. Your Boy is the same age as my eldest girl. Different story, but you made the right choice. Good for you for doing what was right for your son. Huge respect for your bravery.

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  7. That is quite a story, indeed. But your ‘poor choice’ gave you the one thing you have to be happy about — a wonderful son. So, it was a learning experience, painful and miserable, but you left it in the best way — with hope. That is what your son represents. Don’t beat yourself up for marrying the jerk. People do that every day. Our minds and hearts rarely work in sync, and our judgment goes out the window on a regular basis. He’s a jerk and it sounds like he always will be. Your son doesn’t have a father around, but I would say that is better than having your ex around him to poison his precious little psyche. You are doing the right thing. You are moving forward. Stay strong. You are tough.

      • That is exactly right. There is nothing you wouldn’t do for him. It is in this capacity that you can see the person that you truly are and can be. Not the miserable, lonely single mom, but the fun, playful, loving, fiercely protective mom, who means everything to her son. If that’s what it takes to believe more in yourself, do it. You’ve lived through so many things, but that gives you perspective that others lack. Because of where you’ve been, you can be the best mom for your boy. I have two boys myself, and they are the light in my life. At my lowest, I had a hard time being a mom at all. But once I realized that they were my reason to get up in the morning, I focused on that, and it helped.
        Hugs.

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