Living life as a fat, ugly girl

I realize that is a harsh title. It was harsh to write. However, it is the truth.

“Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder”

I have always guffawed at that statement. We are human. We thrive on pleasure. Everyone will enjoy looking at a pleasurable face over an ugly or plain face. If anyone says otherwise, they are a lying.

Again, it is harsh for me to say it, but it is the truth. Our eyes want to see beauty not just in the form of a person’s face but in landscapes, colors, maybe a beautiful colored flower garden or a painting.

Humans enjoy beauty.

Humans will also shun those who are not seen as beautiful. Then again, Society is responsible for a lot of this to but in reality, what is Society made up of. Humans. And again, if one claims to not have done this at least once in their life, I call them liars.

I have never felt or ever considered myself beautiful by any means. I have always considered myself a Plain Jane. I do not like make up.  I never was one to wear a lot of make up outside of going to a special event.  As I’ve gotten older, I simply can’t wear it anymore. My eyes water and my skin itches. Make up and me, are no longer friends.

I never spent hours on my hair every day. For the most part, I wore it short just to keep it easy. However, I will admit, that when it is long, it is my best feature. But even my best “beauty” feature is becoming null and void because I’m losing my hair and if I don’t take the time to dye it ever two weeks, the greying ages me 20 years. And yes, I have a full head of pretty much “salt and pepper” hair (if I don’t dye regularly). It’s mortifying but I’ve been greying since I was 16. It was inevitable.

These are a few examples of when I was shunned for lacking beauty.

1) I was 20 and the current boyfriend I had was driving us to go pick up an old friend of his. We did pick him up, and as the night went on, I over heard this old friend telling my boyfriend just this, word for word, (I wished I could forget it) “Dude, you can do better than *that*. She is a dog” …….No.joke. Welcome to my memories..

2) I’m working at a pretty well known high end restaurant here in S. California. I was a hostess. I had been there for all of a few weeks. I over hear the male waiters and kitchen staff say (again, wished I could erase my memory) “oh that one…? that one is butt ugly.”

These are just two examples I remember…I may have mentally blocked a lot out.

Weight is just a Number

I’ve also never been able to keep a “healthy” weight. My first diet was at 12 years old, Weight Watchers.

I can remember being teased many times in my childhood (along with the many humiliations elementary school provided). One particular sticks to mind.

I was at a roller skating rink at a church function and a boy who always teased me for some reason told me “you don’t need skates, you will just rollll out there”. I’m sure you all understood what he meant.

Another was this boys’ sister who was on the same church cheerleading squad. One time, she was in the dressing room and she grabbed my cheer skirt, which was about 3 sizes to big for her and proceeded to put it on and dance around in it, showing all the other girls that it was 3 sizes to big.

Now, I know that others with the same issues as myself may have had similar stories and I’m sure even worse stories, but these were the few I remembered.

It’s because of these human reactions to fat and ugliness that I have always been over looked.  I have never turned any eyes, I’ve remained extremely shy which lead to a pretty much non-existent self-esteem and self-worth.

I was on and off diets my whole life. I do recall three times where a certain “diet” worked and I was at a very nice looking weight. But as is the norm, this weight never stayed off.

The first was when I was 17.  I was about 155 lbs at this age. Oddly enough, it was a Richard Simmons diet. Yes, you read that right. Richard Simmons. It looked kinda like this:

img_4347

The concept was easy enough and the foundation for any diet plan. You have a certain amount of certain types of food, which the color coded cards represented. When that food was eaten, the color coded card that represents that food (ex. Pink cards were fruit), was moved over to the right slots under breakfast, lunch or dinner. When all the cards were gone, you were done eating for the day. I got my weight down to 140 lbs. People thought I was sick, I got so skinny.  However, according to the “charts”, 140 is not “skinny” for a 5 foot 4 inch female. Yet, I was skinny enough for people to think I was sick.

As I said, I was 17 when I started this and the personal happenings in my life had a lot to do with the weight loss. I was in my Sr. year in high school and didn’t have ONE friend (yes you read that right…I had not ONE friend my Sr. year in high school, I didn’t even go to my Sr. prom or Grad Night). Also, I only went to school half days. I left at Noon, I got on a bus down the street from my school, drove on the bus for 10 miles to an afternoon filing job at a mortgage company. This was my Senior year in high school. On the weekend, I would visit my best friend at UC San Diego where she was doing her Freshman year in college.

The second time I lost a lot of weight was the first few months of my marriage in 2001-02.  I’m sure my husband at the time was afraid of the whale I could possibly become and he monitored ALL my eating. He made my lunches, made our dinners. I was watched constantly.

The third time, was 10 months after I had my child. I was a around 210 lbs. It was also probably the only time that I actually COULD have kept it off permanently. But life always gets in the way. I worked for L.A.P.D. as a time keeping clerk. In the station, there was a great exercise room. I worked PM watch so my “lunch break” would be around 8 or 9 pm. I would spend that time watching LOST in the exercise room on the elliptical. Also, I started Jenny Craig, as a few years before I had paid to be a lifetime member and could join for free (“plus the cost of food“). Jenny always worked for me. It was planned out meals, I didn’t have to do anything but heat them up, eat them and do my hour on the elliptical. I got down to 165 lbs.

It was this time that I lost the most and felt great because I was doing power exercise (the elliptical is a good workout) along with it. However, I was also going through a lot of rough times living with my parents and having a newborn/infant.

It was the diet yo-yo

It was the diet yo-yo

I gained all that back after I quite my LAPD job (it was to far to travel there from my parents house) and then lost the new city job I got only 3 months after that. I then moved up to Washington state for 3 months, then moved back. Then it just started piling on again.

I think the most of what I’ve gained has been this past year though. I tried Jenny Craig again, this time last year and was up to 15lbs lost but it is expensive.

I’m now pushing 250lbs.

Let’s look at all the three times the diets worked. First, I was 17….17! I was young and vivacious. Anything would have worked fast. Second time, it wasn’t me that was pushing it. It was my husband at the time who was afraid I would turn into a walrus. Third, I wanted to lose baby weight and had the time, money and resources to exercise without interruption.

I wished that the storyline from Tyler Perry’s “Why did I get Married?” was true. The storyline I’m talking about is a very large Sheila, finally dumps her husband who does nothing but make fun of her because she is fat and who is also cheating on her.

imagesCATJRD9J

Sheila is made fun of by her husband. He was awful to her.

She just *happens* to run into a good looking sheriff who miraculously thinks she is perfect for his perfect self (well he does tell her if she doesn’t like herself to change it but with him as motivation…)_MG_9793.CR2

He helps her to feel better about herself and even drop some pounds into the woman you see in the picture below (on far left)

12_300dpi

(uh…not in the real world sister….)

And at the end, she admits to her friends she’s happy and he works out with her and all is well in the world of fatness…

Bull.Shit (I don’t make fun of the movie as it was great…just the concept).

For me, none of those things are apparent in my life right now. I do try to cook meals at home.  Chicken, lean beef and steamed veggies because its not just me, its a kid I have to cook for to. And I will admit that fast food is the Devil’s food for me.

But its the exercise. I am just dormant. The motivation is not there and that is the key with me.

Also, I have the metabolism of a turtle. I realized there was a pattern. To lose weight, I needed to eat below 1000 calories a day (sometimes less) and do aerobic exercise at least 2 hours a day. I do not joke about that. When I lost the most weight, I was doing just that. My exercise regimens were brutal. I don’t have time for that right now. I’m so exhausted all I want to do is sleep.

I’m half way through my life and I realize these things about me:

I have never been one to “stop traffic” per say.

I have never been one to make a guy side glance.

I’m reminded of this scene in the movie Big Fish

Big_Fish

He sees her at the opposite end of a crowded circus tent

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Time stops for him, completely as she is the only thing that he sees in the whole room.

That will never happen to me. Even in my youth it was never going to happen. I never turned heads. Hell, even the husband I did get was probably to drunk to realize he was marrying an “ugly cow” and when he did realize he sure wasn’t slow in admitting it to my face he never loved me and thought I wasn’t physically appealing. (hence, the lack of sex as the marriage marched towards its end).

At this point in my life, I feel like I live with only one purpose. To make sure that the child God chose for me to take care of is fed, clothed, educated and taught right from wrong. I will just continue to do that as I realize that my good years are all gone.

I know that tons of women go through some of the examples I gave of when people were mean. I wished it wasn’t so.

Finally: The picture below was 13 years ago, I was 24. It was my wedding day, and what you see here is both hope and denial beaming from me. More of the latter, than the former.

Hope that all the red flags in the person I was about to marry were not really there.

And Denial, that the red flags weren’t really there.

Me on my wedding day – 155lbs

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19 thoughts on “Living life as a fat, ugly girl

  1. well written……I’ve always thought that it is the American way of life that is responsible for weight problems….and not necessarily the ‘fault’ of the individual.

    in my travels, when I go to countries where cities are built around walking and not around cars I always make the same observation; there aren’t a lot of people overweight…..it also helps that in many Latin American small towns there are no fast food restaurants whereas we have three on every corner……

    • I will admit, I have a weakness for fast food. It is an addiction that I fight daily. To me, it can be worse or the equivelant of an alcohol problem. I know I dont’ move as much as I should. I know alot of it is me.

      What I was trying to convey is that everyone says “oh its what’s inside that counts..blah..blah..blah”

      Bullshit. We, as humans, love to see beauty. It’s as plain and simple as that. And anyone who doesn’t admit that if one person who is pleasing to the eyes is standing next to another who is not so pleasing to the eyes and doesn’t admit they are attracted to the more pleasing to the eyes person, they are full out liars.

  2. Ok, darlin’, I’m not one to bullshit people and I’m not one to belittle feelings, so I want you to listen. I understand everything you’ve gone through and feel. I truly think you have depression (I suffer from it and worked as a behaviorist). I think the depression is causing a slight case of body dysmorphic disorder.
    No matter what others say, it won’t change how you feel about yourself. Only you can do that. And it’s hard. Trust me, I know. But you can do it. I’m looking at the girl in that wedding photo and while you might not get a modeling contract reserved for 6 foot girls, I don’t believe for a second that men haven’t looked at you. You have a beautiful smile and gorgeous skin. I want you to go watch this video. I promise that people see you very differently than you see yourself. I think the girl in that dress is very pretty. If I didn’t think it, I would just keep my mouth shut and move on to something else. You have to start finding the love for yourself one small thing at a time. Watch this NOW http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpaOjMXyJGk

    • I’m the first to admit I fight depression every day. But I just get up each day and deal.

      The wedding dress photo was 13 years ago and about 100 lbs ago. I posted it because it was when I felt my best. I actually do love that photo and all my wedding photos.

      I think the point I was trying to come across with my entry was that when people say “oh its the inside that counts” or “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” its a load of crock. We, as humans, want to feel pleasure and that includes seeing nice looking objects/people/things.

      I’m actually glad you didn’t say anything along those lines because I would have deleted your comment. Humans do NOT look at the personality of a person when they first see them. They see the outside. It is natural human nature. Its just what it is.

      Ok, I did watch the video. The concept was very encouraging and I liked it. How the artist painted two totally different looking people. I get that…

      However, I am skeptic because:
      1) its a commerical for Dove and they do get actors for these types of promotions. Match.com and eHarmony.com commercials are all actors. I know, because I know someone who was an actor for eHarmony and said it was all a lie. Those people on their commercials didn’t meet with their 30 levels of compatability. They are ACTING.
      2) aw…look there she is at the end of the commercial dancing all nicely with a man…oh wait..she is skinny and gorgeous and the man is just the same…

      Go.Figure.

      Again, I don’t mean to be cruel about this but look beyond the smoke and mirrors.

  3. It took me until my 30s to be ok with my shape whatever that happens to be. Like you, I’ve been skinny, but it took extreme measures.
    I’m not prepared to starve myself anymore. And I’ve worked out that people see the ‘us’ that we project from inside. I’ve always been a bit ‘quirky’ and now I just go with it. The size of my thighs is not a direct reference to my mood any more. (I still have fat days, but those are fewer now and are usually resolved by taking the kids out walking or skating or climbing stuff)

  4. I ought to add that it’s not a case of beauty is from inside, but happiness is. And when you’re happy, it changes you physically. I have no idea how. My aunt (who is weirdly 2 years older than me) is of substantial build, but she is stunning because she radiates confidence.

  5. Wow girl. . .you really know how to kick your own a** don’t you?? I recognize that extremely damaging self-sabotage talk, because it has occurred in my head from time to time through the years. Gotta stop that stuff!!

    I will say now that I am in my 40’s traditional diet/exercise stuff I tried didn’t work. I would tone up, maybe drop about 10 lbs, and then I wouldn’t budge. I finally decided to try going low carb since I have had trouble with low blood sugar for years, and have a couple of aunts who are diabetic. Can I say amazing?? Not only did I lose weight, but I also got energy!! Only diet I have ever been on that I can actually eat until I am full, and be satisfied. I lost about 40-50 lbs, can’t say how much exactly, because I don’t own a scale, just know from the drop in clothing size. It’s been the easiest eating plan I have ever followed. The only thing that bothers me is I should stay away from beer. 🙂

    • Yeah, I don’t think I conveyed this entry as well as I would have liked to.

      The point I was trying to make is basically this:
      When people say “oh its the inside that counts” its a crock of shit. People naturally judge and assume things about someone the first time they lay eyes upon you. Its a natural human instinct.
      What I’m suprised at is how many of you deny this.

      What I also found funny was upon writing this entry and even re-reading it…I really see no “own ass” kicking at all. What I see is the honest to goodness truth about my history and myself. And the point of humans preferring visual pleasure over the alternative. So none of it is gonna stop.

      Oh and carbs are so bad, so when they are cut out, alot of weight gets lost. I know that and have see it first hand. I love to get “protein burgers” at fast food places. That is when the burger buns are replaced with leaves of lettuce. Try it if you haven’t already! Not one carb in the whole “burger” but still just as good!

      • I would never deny that society finds certain individuals “more pleasing to the eye” than they find others. I guess if you choose to call yourself “the fat, ugly girl”, then there’s nothing I, or any of the other people who have commented on here trying to be supportive, can say to change your mind. I personally now feel a little foolish that I even tried to say anything to be supportive.

        • No no…don’t feel foolish. I get where you were coming from. I just don’t think that the entry went where I wanted it to. I didn’t post it for support really, although it was appreciated. And the title was a metaphor, it was just a title.

          I guess I’m not as good at this blogging as I thought I was.

        • I don’t blog for anyone except myself, but I have found this wonderfully supportive blogging community out there. They never fail to speak up and give me positive affirmations, or give me a butt kicking if I need it. It’s one of the things I find amazing about the whole blogging experience.

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  7. In Jr. High School I was fat, with frizzy reddish hair, glasses and bad skin; my best friend was one of the prettiest girls in school..Jr. High did not end our friendship but it separated us. She got invited to the parties and I did not. At age 16 I became anorexic..and went from a very stout 150 lbs and 5’6″ to less than 100 lbs. There were days, even weeks when I managed to eat only one Saltine a day. I did not have a period for two years and at one point was happy to see the scale at 85 lbs. I am 50 now and weigh in at a reasonable 135lbs, my skin is clear, I have learned to care for my hair and I just need glasses to read. I turn heads, I am considered quite pretty and people tell me all the time that they wished they looked like me. Inside the ugly girl from Jr. High is still there; I shrug off compliments and still think I am fat. What is the lesson here…Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but in the end the only one looking is you. I wish you many happy and beautiful years.

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