Why does asking for help always come with strings….

I had to do it. Because of my move, and needing to put down a deposit for the new apartment and so on, it is going to take me a while to get back on my feet. I’m not destitute, I am just depleting my savings account again and that irritates me.

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The strings…are sometimes to much drama to bare…..

But I made the decision of asking my mother to pay for skating lessons for the month of May. This would be the first time I’ve asked for this. I try very hard to avoid asking for anything because each time I do, it comes back to haunt me.

Sometimes, asking for things doesn’t come with a price. Sometimes, the ravings in the form of “you aren’t getting The Boy what he needs” never happen. Then sometimes, they do. And they mostly occur, when she has helped me in some way. It’s like my outer shell has been removed and she can see the soft under belly of my vulnerablity and begins to stab at it with her “ha ha you can’t do it…” taunts.

Blegh…..

The Boy starts his actual hockey lessons next week. He passed his beginning skating classes and I was told by the instructor he can move onto the Hockey 1 class.  I just need to get him a helmet. The instructor told me that a helmet is not required but that just for safety he can wear a bicycle helmet (which he does have). I do intend to get him an actual hockey helmet. It’s just that money is tight and I don’t get paid again until next Friday.

My mother flips out about my intention to wait a week or so for the helmet.

Her dramatics are really becoming unbearable. It’s hard to explain in typed out words but its her face. For instance, just because I was going to use a bike helmet for ONE lesson she gets this worried look on her face like I just told her I was feeding the kid JD in his milk! Like I just told her he is dying, or something like that. She really thinks it’s the end of the world.

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It’s drama at its best. And it also tends to show its face way to much fo rme.

And the way she thinks that she is my child’s mother really just needs to stop. Although, this will never surprise me. I’m so easily overlooked by all my family, I really doubt they know I exist.

And of course, just the day before I asked my sister to take The Boy Friday night so I could just get some things done and go to my Doctor appointment without having to drag him along and I soon recanted that for fear of more vulnerability being shown on my part. I just hope that The Boy can be patient through the appointment and keep from being flappy gumbs and telling the whole family I’m going the medical route with weight loss, something they would probably not approve of and put me down for. I just don’t need to deal with that drama to.

So, I will now deplete my savings utterly and totally and just pay for the May lessons. The price of getting help is far worse than a $0 balance in my savings account, which is not to unfamiliar to me.

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I can’t show weakness with them. I can’t show that I, as a human being, need a break.

Oh because, you know, my mother raised her children with no help and no breaks..right? Hmmm yeah…not exactly how I remembered it. I remember bouts of mental explosions, manipulations and a mother who seriously needed to be on medications.

I’m not saying I’m not susceptible to any of that but I darned sure try to be more in control of my out bursts than she ever was. I certainly don’t want my son remembering me as a mother who would yell, hit, act crazy and do crazy things. (I am not this way, but my mother, was a different story).

I also want The Boy to remember a mother who would tell him “I’m so very proud of you” on a regular basis. Because I certainly am and I told him just this last night, on the drive home from his practice.

I have yet to ever hear that from my own mother. Hugs and kisses and “I love you” is rare to non-existent.

Anyway, I’m rambling. The bottom line is…it is not life or death if the boy has a helmet at his practice next Tuesday as the instructor said it wasn’t necessary. But apparently, I’m the world’s worst mom (according to my own) if he doesn’t have one.

I’m really tired of dramatics…

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2 thoughts on “Why does asking for help always come with strings….

  1. I was raised by a mother that has some similarities to yours (irrational rages, some minor physical abuse, rampant emotional abuse). And I would pick YOU over HER a thousand times over. I don’t think there’s a kid in the world who would prefer a well-to-do but emotionally cruel parent over a loving, supporting parent with some financial hardship. The most important currency to a child is unconditional love, and you are immensely wealthy in that regard!

    • April! So nice to see you here 🙂

      And thanks. I believe that I got the mother I did so I know what NOT to be as a mother myself. I still have issues like patience…oh sometimes my patience is pushed to the limit and I find I’m yelling for The Boy to brush his teeth for the 50th time (for example) but I recognize it and let him know that maybe I shouldn’t have yelled and give him big hugs.

      Thanks for stopping by! Always great to see you!

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