The Nothing

As I sip my hot tea behind my desk, each time I swallow it feels like I’m swallowing razor blades and the pain makes me think about my current existence.

Let’s talk about suicide.

Now, before you all start dialing the 911, I’m not going to kill myself. I don’t believe in murder and yes, suicide is murder. However, I will say that to just not exist anymore is a very inviting notion even if it is pretty much the equivalent of being dead. To not exist means that one is in a state of no pain. Pain, that comes from the soul and not from the physical flesh is so very debilitating.

So, I can say that I completely understand why some people do consider this option, as sad as that is.

But that is not really where I’m going with this.

I believe I speak more of the suicide of one’s soul.  I would guess that someone whose soul has committed suicide would be more like a Zombie, except they don’t require feeding on flesh to survive. They just roam the earth, doing daily functions, yet have no enjoyment in much of anything.

What happens when one’s soul wants to jump off a bridge?  I believe this is something that a 1980’s movie brought into the light.

The Nothing.The Nothing is Coming

Atreyu: What is the Nothing?

G’mork: It’s the emptiness that’s left. It’s like a despair, destroying this world. And I have been trying to help it.

Atreyu: But why?

G’mork: Because people who have no hopes are easy to control. And whoever has control has the Power.

The Nothing is described as “the emptiness that is left”.  There is just a “nothing” type feeling.  I get up, I go to work, pay my bills, deal with my kid but The Nothing is still there, hovering over my soul making it feel heavy and listless.

My soul was once light, fluffy and had spirit. That is gone.

My soul would once laugh and dance. That is gone.

What is left is a hole void of any human compassion or any human touch. Void of laughter and vivacity. My soul feels like it is slowly just disappearing.  It feels like it is committing suicide.  It feels like….The Nothing.

Why is this?

As of this moment, I have not one single friend. Yes, you read that right, not one friend. I have people I talk to online, through Facebook or Twitter maybe but never that friend/s you call to go have dinner or drinks or see a movie. Not one. I do not exaggerate about that.

However, I do live my every moment around my son.  Anything I do, it’s with him.

My daily routine is:

Get up

Take the Boy to school

Spend 8 hours behind a desk in an office

Leave office to pick up The Boy from school

Come home and make dinner and do homework

Time for bed

Wash, rinse, repeat.

Being that his father turned his back on him 8 years ago and never looked back, I do this on my own, no “visitation weekends” off.  So my life is and probably always will, revolve around The Boy.

I would have to say this leads to a very lonely lifestyle.  I have no one to talk to.  I have no one who asks me how my day was.  I doubt that anyone even cares.

I sit, by myself, watching TV or on the computer.  For instance, I was alone when I reacted to the last Episode of Game of Thrones.  I found a video on YouTube which showed reactions from people while watching that episode and most of these people were in rooms filled with others, also watching it with them and reacting with them. I was alone.  No one to react with me.  No one to scream at the TV with me. (It was a VERY startling episode if you haven’t already heard.)

When I contemplate this existence, I wonder, how did I get to this point?  Mainly because I have developed a severe lack of trust in anyone male, female or alien (although I have yet to meet an alien and if I did, I probably wouldn’t trust them right away. I mean they ARE an alien).

After my divorce in 2005, I grew to not trust men nor their intentions after finding out that the man I married was pretty much a liar, a manipulator and an all around asshole with an alcohol problem to boot.  I still blame myself for not seeing it.  This blame upon myself led to my lack of trust in my own judgment of people, even if I was deceived.  After a few dates between then and now (I can count the dates on one hand and they don’t reach the 5 fingers that hand has), I grew to not trust men even more.

Even my own family (which is basically mother, father and sister) always seem to betray me in some way either with neglect, hurtful words or selfishness.

Then of course, there is the lack of any human decency in the human race, period.  The things I read and see on the news TV are enough to send me running to Hermitville, Population 1.

Humans are disappointing and my lack of trust in them did NOT just sit with men.

So, we have established, that 1) I’m lonely 2) I have no adult human interaction on a regular basis which leads to 3) hopelessness. The kind of hopelessness that even a strong faith in God can’t fix.  The kind of hopelessness that this dark and thundering monster called The Nothing thrives from.

The-Nothing-2

The road I travel is lonely and ends in The Nothing

How much I do long for my soul to be kick started like a dead car battery and talked down from the slippery ledge it is on. I loathe and despise the fact that I have never known love beyond my relatives, relatives who are obligated to love me and I them, simply because we share blood. What’s even worse, is realizing that I may never know that kind of love, ever.  I would be to afraid of more disappointment.

After being on this planet for the past 36 years, I used to fear death and its finality.

I have now come to realize, there can be a fate worse than death.

Loneliness and his minion, The Nothing.

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43 thoughts on “The Nothing

  1. the analogy is wonderful, though i’m truly sorry to hear you are battling your own “nothing” at this time. i know it’s hard to trust people but perhaps it’s time to take a leap of faith and put a reasonable level of faith in someone so you don’t feel like a virtual nothing. you are not nothing, you don’t deserve to feel nothing. despite how it may seem – there really are still good people out there, trustworthy people but self-isolation guarantees not ever seeing them. i hope things improve for you. you seem like a nice lady, with a big heart and certainly a good parent who deserves more than “nothing.”

    • Thanks again 🙂 I really do feel there are a great number of decent people out there. In essence, the problem sometimes isn’t with the people…I just don’t trust even people who prove to be decent humans. But I have always felt that The Nothing portrayed in The Neverending Story is exactly whta I have inside me.

  2. Oh, honey. I just want to jump through the screen and give you a virtual hug. I’ve been there, and it’s miserable. Hang on, and know that there are folks that care and it WILL GET BETTER. It will. I promise. I know it feels like it won’t, or it will be forever before you get to that place where you don’t feel so empty, but it will come. I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t experienced it myself.

    And go check that throat for strep. Whenever my throat feels like razors, it’s always strep, and the antibiotics will make it better quickly.

    You’re in my thoughts.

  3. That’s the great thing about life. Its all about perspective and choice.
    I wish you peace of mind and happiness.

  4. Despair. Looking into the abyss as it swallows you. The whole blackness and isolation. It is a sad picture you paint.
    I agree that the Nothing was an appropriate analogy; The Neverending Story is a great movie.
    I’m sorry that you feel so alone and friendless. I have been down pretty low, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt as empty as you say you do. The way you describe it is heartbreaking. I was able to see my doctor and get some medication that helped my moods stabilize and helped me feel like maybe there was something to live for, after all. I was able to come out from the darkness and be a little social. After not wanting to come out of my room or my house, it was a big step. If you haven’t already, it might not be a bad idea to see your doctor; sometimes chemical imbalances can make a bad situation way worse.
    I know I’m just a person on the other side of the screen, but your words touch me deeply, and I will say an extra prayer for you. Nobody deserves to be so lonely and isolated. Everyone needs love to survive. I’m glad you have your son, but you need grownup interaction, laughter, fun, hugs, and a friend.
    Hang in there, Claudia. Write it all down. I don’t know how long you’ve been blogging, but maybe it will be therapeutic. Sometimes we can write what we can’t say, and sometimes we write and don’t even realize the truths that come out.
    take care of yourself.

    • I have taken medications before and I prefer not to. In all honesty, they create worse problems in me after they cure what they are supposed to. If that makes sense.

      Blogging is VERY therapeutic. That is for sure. As long as my mother and/or sister doesn’t find it.

  5. (((((((big hugs))))))) I am at a lost for words. I am searching something inspirational to say, everything sounds cheesy. I feel for your emotional state. I admire your openness on your blog. I wish we lived in the same town to share a cup of coffee together. ((((((hugs))))))))

    • LOL it’s alright. I will admit that being able to blog and kind of research what this feeling I have could be equated to is very therapeutic. Thanks for the comment 🙂

  6. So, how was your day today? I can’t buy you a coffee (it’d get cold travelling across the Atlantic), but I do understand. And you quoted my all time favourite film xx

    • Super!

      LOL If you are a South Park fan.

      But actually, I’m ok today. I’m not jumping up for joy and my throat actually feels a bit better but I’m just doing what I need to like a good little Robot.

      • Sometimes functioning on a daily basis is quite an achievement. It is important to take some time out for you though. Do you get a lunch break? Could you take a book to a local park just for 20 minutes that is just for you? Feel the sun on your face.

        And cake. Eat cake.

        Xx

        • I’m on a no carb diet…so no cake.
          I actually hate the sun and the heat so why I’m living in Southern California is a mystery to me.
          I play Wizard 101 at the end of my day. The time of day when The Boy is in bed and I’m all alone, Dinner dishes washed, cat fed, house cleaned up (maybe). Then I either watch something on my computer or play Wizard 101.

  7. How’s your day going Claudia? You know I’ve been where you are, when I left my kids father (at the age of 22) I was all about my children. My life was them….I had no social life and back then the internet wasn’t booming yet…NO I’m NOT 60, 39 actually…but to go online took forever back then and going into chatrooms was for me a scary thing (at first) anywhoooo……it took me a long time to trust anyone because in the back of my mind they were going to decieve me in some form or another..but it just took some time………and finally one day you will wake up and feel that your soul is alive again!!.

    • I’m ok today. I think I bumped this post up by mistake as I wrote it a few weeks ago but I edited it only to add another tag. But I guess that bumped it up..

      Anyway, I’m doing good today. I remember those internet days when it was slow and all new. I went into alot of chatrooms to. I’m sure it will take time but part of me feels that even if someone did come along, I would ignore it or push them away. It’s just what I do now. It’s kinda like I enjoy being solitaire but sometimes, I don’t. It’s such an inner battle.

      • I’m a pro at pushing people away….well men….I don’t have patience for stupid and if you lie to me…ohhh you’re out!! I still struggle sometimes but like you said “it’s an inner battle”….we may not have the outwards scares…..but we do on the inside!!

        • Yup! I have a VERY long criteria list. My sister does as well. There are plenty of things either of us won’t tolerate and pretty much everything on our lists include personality traits that are just naturally in humans. Of course, lying and stupid result in immediate kicking to the curb but for me, also things like, you must have a job, you must have your own housing (meaning don’t be living in your mama’s basement), you must not be an asshole ( if I wanted another asshole I would take my ex husband back), you must like Disney and want to go there often (yeah…I said it! and by Disney I mean fun things in general, not just Disney), you must accept my kid will ALWAYS come first, and the list goes on and on.

          Hey! I think I’m gonna post a blog about my criteria! Thanks for the inspiration! 😛 LOL

  8. You live in a city, don’t you? I find that sometimes it’s too easy to become lost in a larger town. I know you talked about a possible move, are you still considering this, and maybe scoping out some possibilities? Personally, I am kind of a small town girl. It’s not that I like everyone to know my business, but when it comes to raising my child, I like to know everyone else’s business. I want to know who my kid is hanging out with, and where they’re at, and who the kid’s parents are, so small towns are much easier in that respect. Also, you get to know people easier because they’re curious about you. You’re a new face, and people will introduce themselves. Just a thought. 🙂

    I know it’s tough being a single mom, because I’ve been there. I have always been lucky and had the advantage that my mom would watch my son if I wanted to go do something and have some “me” time. But, my life primarily revolved around my son too. It’s a necessity for you both, that you have your own time, and that he have his. It will help you both be stronger, happier individuals. It’s such a struggle for me right now, because my son is spending his summer time with his dad, but won’t return home to me in the fall, as usual, to go back to school. He is moving in with his dad, and I am at a loss as to what to do with my time. Everything was structured around him, and now I’m not really sure how to structure things around me. It feels very awkward, and uncomfortable.

    Get out and find something to participate in!! Do something you enjoy and meet people who like doing the same types of things you do. Push your envelope and get out there!! You can do it!!

    • I would like to move. I would like to end up on the East Coast eventually, but I doubt that is going to happen anytime soon. My kid is establishing himself in his school and making friends. He will be in Junior High in 2 years. I wouldn’t want to pull him away from that. But I do plan to retire to the East. I’ve lived in the big city my whole life. So the prospect of moving to a small town is both scary and sooo inviting.

      I think this new road of losing weight is opening up doors for me. I needed to not feel like I’m literally dying and can’t breathe when I walk a few steps or up a small flight of stairs. Having bad health always affects my mood and it shows to others and makes me unapproachable. So, it’s a positive thing and a start 🙂

      • I agree. When I lose weight I start feeling more confident and putting myself out there more. I still have days where my self-esteem is in the tubes, but I manage to get through them.

        I want to hear more about what you’re doing to get out in your community and participate in life!!! I challenge you, to challenge yourself!!

        • Well, that is a tougher road for me since I lack alot of trust in the human race in general. There is no way I’m doing ANY type of online dating. With my luck, I get the multiple personality serial killer and I’m hacked to bits while I sleep.
          There are NO single men at church and I’m not exaggerating about that. I don’t even think there are single women at the church I go to. And all the functions and activities there are based on married or engaged couples. That is out.
          I will never date a co-worker, even though I have no co-workers who even fit in the dating category.
          I have no friends there is no “I met him through a friend of a friend” thing.
          I’m apprehensive to meet anyone online (like the online dating) such as Meetup.com or something like that. As I said, with my luck, I get the serial killer.
          There is NO way I’m ever going to a random bar or club or anything like that. Been there, tryed that, and have the divorce to prove it.

          So, I just accept what is. I said in a reply to another comment that this situation is such an inner battle for me because I choose to avoid strangers yet sometimes, I hate the loneliness it produces.

        • I would avoid the whole online thing, as it is scary, and I’ve never had much luck with it. I just thought maybe there was some type of art, or music festival, or something you might like, that you might go to and run into like-minded people.

  9. It is difficult to trust again. But you sometimes have to walk the plank and take the chance of there not being sharks below when you fall. Yes, many people in this world are pieces of crap, but just as many are decent. It took me a while to realize this after my divorce. I hope you find happiness, I hope you find something that settles your soul.

    • I don’t doubt there are decent people. I do doubt my own luck and judgement of people. I always feel with my luck I get the serial killer on Match.com while everyone else gets married.

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  14. I feel you. It feels lonely and hopeless a lot of the time. It’s so difficult to see any prospect of a happier future. But a happier future may happen though cause we really don’t know. Waiting for that possibility is agonizing though.

    I have tons of friends I can call and hang out with. I don’t call any of them. I get more enjoyment communicating with WordPress commenters. It doesn’t fill the void of genuine human interaction though.

    I don’t know if I don’t trust people but my lack of positive thinking ruins any hope of meeting new people and establishing any kind of friendship or intimate relationship. I know I have to put myself out there but I tell myself that the small possibility of meeting someone does not outweigh that there is a bigger possibility that it will be a waste of time and effort so I end up doing nothing. It’s not a good way to live by.

    It doesn’t take much for life to go to shit but at the same time it doesn’t take much for it to turn around. So ya, I don’t know….that’s my conclusion for now.

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