The List

A recent conversation got me to thinking about going over and cleaning up my List.

What is this List that I speak of?

As I posted in an entry about The Nothing taking me over, I have felt the bitter sting of loneliness and the foreboding it produces when there is just a lonely road to The Nothing ahead.

I thought to myself, “why am I on this road?”……I thought and thought…..

Then realized it was because of The List.

Yes, The List.  This is a mental list that I keep inside the recesses of my brain.  This List contains the personality traits and or characteristics that I do NOT like in a man and even sometimes in humans in general.

*Note: I somewhat intend this to be a sort of parody.  With that being said, if something below sounds really far fetched and just ridiculous, it probably is.  I’m being funny.  So, please do not assume I am a man hater, or a gold digger or anything like that.  I understand acceptions to the rule. I am not perfect myself and will never admit to being such.  I do not hate men.  Especially since men are the only way for me to have decent sex with something that doesn’t require batteries, even if that hasn’t happened in a long time and pay no never mind to the fact that the last time it did, I was so desperate that it was with a 300+lb man.  Not my most glorious moment….ANYWAY moving on!

glad-share-sense-humor-friendship-ecard-someecards

This List includes, but is not limited to (presented in no particular order):

1. You must have a job

Nope, not a job to pay for ME.  I have been working since I was 17 years old, sometimes 2 jobs while going to school full time.  I can earn my own money and pay my own bills.  I don’t need your money.  What I mean is I’m not going to be paying for any part of you.  Being that I am just a few years from 40 (damn it) I will assume that you will be as well, if not already over 40.  That means you should have a job at this point in your life.  I’m not looking for you to be a CEO of some big software company or the President of some stock market company.  Just a job that shows that you are not lazy and will work to contribute to society.

thCAKU47KO

Now, I understand the economy sucks and people lose jobs.  That is the “out” clause here but that does not imply that I will be paying for all things, all the time.   You are out of work, you look for it.

And don’t tell me “oh but I have been looking and there is nothing out there” while you are laying on the couch playing video games.  You will be addressing someone who has been laid off from 4 different jobs in the past since 2010.  I know how much the job search sucks.  But I made it through.  You’re whining will fall on deaf ears.

2.  You will have your own living arrangements

By this I mean, do not be living in your Mama’s basement where she cooks your meals and does your laundry.  I ain’t your Mama and I don’t want to be, EVER.  I already have a son I’m raising.  I am not interested in taking care of another man child. thCA1A9DI9

In accordance to this, you cannot be living in a back room of some friends’ house or on a friends’ couch.  When I mean living arrangements, it means you will have your own apartment, condo, and/or house.  And that does not mean in a friends’ house on his couch.

The reasoning behind this is to show that you have independence from Mommy and friends.  It shows responsibility.  Because you better believe me when I say that you are not going to be moving from your friends couch or your Mama’s basement to come live with me in my apartment I rent and pay for.  (Please refer to  #1).

2.1  Also have a car. I will not be required to drive you around everywhere like you were my teenage child.  Again, I am not your Mama and never want to be.

3. Be a Gentleman

This goes hand in hand with the requirement of not being an Asshole.  This does not mean you have to open doors for me all the time, even though at the beginning, it’s sweet, but it isn’t a forever requirement.

What this means is don’t be a jerk.  I’m sure you’ve been on this planet for a long time and know what a jerk is.  Don’t say rude things, respect other peoples’ feelings and have some sort of human decency inside you. thCAEKJHXG

For instance, if you see a family who is struggling emotionally because their son/father/brother just got killed overseas, do NOT say “They knew what they were signing up for. They need to deal with it”.  That is an asshole, insensitive thing to say and is a sign of Assholery and will get you booted out and kicked to the curb quicker than flies to dog poop.

If I wanted an Asshole, I can just give my ex-husband a call.  And no, I am not the bitter ex-wife.  He is a certified Asshole.  I wasn’t the only one who saw it.  Also, I can’t call someone who abandons their son when he is a year old and never looks back nor communicates with him ever, anything but an Asshole.

4. Live a healthy lifestyle

thCACC60YM

Thank you Entertainment Magazine…..

Ok let me explain.  I do not expect you to be someone who looks like the werewolves from True Blood (one of which is pictured to the right.  Ladies, you are welcome, enjoy).  Unless, maybe, I looked like the female wolves in that show (I will NOT be posting a photo of them, it makes me sick).  Google it and I can tell you, I do not look like them.

However, I am in the process of losing weight, getting in a better shape and just being healthy.  I expect the same from you.  This also includes, no drug use, no alcohol abuse (Notice I said ABUSE, not usage.  I partake of the liquor every once in a while but I don’t abuse it.), no eating Fast Food like it is a new food group.  Once in a while is fine, but it is not meant for every day consumption.  Your arteries are crying out in agony and I’m not taking care of you when diabetes renders you immobile.

Again, it’s about HEALTH not LOOKS.  To some,  I may not be anything to look at and that’s fine but I try to be healthy and I am trying to get to a healthy weight.  And please don’t try and tell me that being 300 lbs is healthy.  Uh, it isn’t.

5. Do NOT withhold physical contact

If I want a hug you better damned well give it.  If I want a kiss you better damned well give it.  If I want to just hold your hand during a movie, don’t flinch and pull away like I have leprosy.  You are with me, which leads me to believe that you at the very least like me, which leads me to believe that you like touching me.  So show it.  Also, if I want sex, you better damned well deliver.

 *note* the latter is mentioned because my ex-husband, during our marriage, never wanted sex or any intimacy, period.  It was debilitating to my soul and I will not have my inner spirit crushed (yet again) by someone who does not like intimacy.

6. No mind games or abuse of ANY kind

This is a No Exception rule.  There will be no lying, cheating, hitting or mental abuse ever.  Sure, there will be arguments and even fights over things but the moment it escalates into a physical altercation, ugly things being said and/or cheating, it’s over.  No Exceptions.

6.1. Please note that this rule applies to myself as well and I will hold myself accountable to follow it.

7. No Atheists allowed

thCADU0X0JThis one might need explaining.  I’m not saying you have to go on Bible Beating rampages with me ( because I don’t do that) or that we have to model our lives like The Duggars (uh…no way).  I’m simply saying that you respect and give God the praise He is due.  I certainly didn’t get through the trials and tribulations I have in my past alone.  God was with me and I believe that and you can’t change my mind about that.  So don’t try.

You may ask, Will I try to beat you down with the Word of Jesus?  Uh no, I most assuredly won’t.  If you don’t believe that is between you and God.  But respect that I do and that is how I live and that if you don’t believe, it would probably not work out.

If I wanted and Atheist, I could just go back to my ex-husband.

8. I like cats

thCA1HYP6D

Plain and simple. I know some people have severe allergies and I understand that cat dander can be very dangerous to their health.  However, that is not the case for me.  I love my cat, I always will (even if I do Cat Shame him every once in a while) and when he is gone I will get another.  I may get more before he is gone, but there will never be a discussion regarding negotiations about getting rid of my cat or denying my love for them.  I have already been through it with my own family and put down, ridiculed and made fun of for my love of cats (they are cat hating people who claim allergies as the reason).  I fought that battle and do not intend to fight it again.  I also like dogs (not more than cats though), preferably small ones such as Dachshunds and Beagles but NEVER Chihuahuas.

9. My family means a lot to me

Don't forget to wield your vorpal blade regularly!

Don’t forget to sharpen your Vorpal Blade regularly!

You may hear me rant about my Mother and rightly so.  However, regardless of how I do or do not get along with her or any other member of my family, you will never put them down or talk bad against them.  That is my job and by my job I mean, I’m just venting.

I love my family even if I loathe them sometimes.  They made me who I am, which is the person you are with.

10. Accept that my son comes first, always

This is pretty self explanatory.  As long as he is a minor and I am his primary caregiver, he will come first over any other human being.  This may possibly even spill over into the years after he is 18 since being a parent is not something that stops when said child becomes of age.  You probably have children of your own, so more than likely, you understand what I mean.

Furthermore, if you choose to ignore this point and there is any evidence that you are mistreating that which is most important to me, even if all other preceding points are met, this whole list and the whole relationship becomes null and void and you will be watching me as I slam the door in your face and calling the local Home Depot for the prices of their door locks.  If you happened to be able to get to the door slamming part without me ripping you to shreds, consider yourself lucky and move on.

Depending on how much of a Mother Bear I turn into, the local authorities might be informed as well.

Mother Bear

This List may grow as many times as I see fit.

If you have your own list that you would like to share, by all means, please do so.  And if I don’t fit up to your Lists’ standards, I have no problem moving on.  I wouldn’t want to waste your time anymore than I would want to waste my own.

However, if you are too shallow to get past the fact that I don’t look like Mila Kunis, then we won’t even get past The List.

There, that should eliminate pretty much the whole populace.

Any Qvestions?

2928-16142

/Parody done

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