Oh…no…please don’t do that.

Let’s talk about pet peeves….

Yes, the things that ANNOY THE MOTHER LOVIN’ SHIT OUTTA ME!

Now, this could be an array of things from driving to someone’s personality to just something random seen during random daily life.  Your pet peeves may be different, but here are some of mine.

The following list could grow at any moment, but this is what stands out for me the most, as of late.

Do NOT stand 1 inch from my ass when you are behind me in line

Please please don’t do this.  I am practically begging you for both our sakes.  I will tolerate it, to an extent, or if I know that the line will move quickly and the torture won’t be long but if it continues, I cannot be held responsible for my actions.

If you are standing behind me in line, you must give me and everyone else their personal space.  Usually, this means at least two feet between the person in front of you and behind you.  That is the minimum.

If you do not do this and insist on standing precisely 1 inch from my ass, I will turn around and tell you that this is America and most of us require personal space when subjected to standing in a line together.  If you persist on breathing down my neck, I will turn to you and repeat the preceding except at a higher voice decibel.  If you are dead set on forcing me to lose all my collective shit, I will turn to you and ask you, in an even higher voice, if you would like to buy me a drink first before you start bump and grinding me from behind like we were at a club dance floor.

Just to make sure that what I say I will do is what I will do, I have already done it.  Disneyland can be filled with many many long lines and since I’ve been going there for 9 years on a regular basis, I have run into my fair share of “Space Vampires” as I call them.  I can safely say that only once, was the infraction brought to the third level where I, very loudly, voiced to the person behind me that if they got any closer to my private body parts while we were waiting in this line, I would have to assume they were trying to pick pocket me and I would get the police involved and accuse them of such.the_matrix_jiu_jitsu

Needless to say, that worked, especially since the first two times they claimed to not know English but suddenly, they did a Neo and hooked up their brain to The Matrix and uploaded the language instantly.

Do NOT get into the Diamond Lane or fast lane and then proceed to go 40 MPH

Slow driverIf you do this, I can assure you there will be a lot of cars passing you up and 99.9% of the drivers of those cars will be flipping you off.  The far left lanes and the farthest left lane, known as the Diamond Lane, are for faster traffic which means most people in those lanes want to go closer to the top speed limit which is 70 on most California Freeways.  If you are a snail, you are to be in the farthest right lane.

Then on the flip side….

Do NOT be in the slow lane (farthest right lane) and be riding my bumper because I’m not going 80+

tail gatingAs I said above, the farthest right lane is for slower traffic.  Therefore, do not tail gate me because I’m driving a bit slower in this lane.  Driving slow is what this lane is for.  If you continue to tail gate me you better pray I don’t have my kid with me.  That is because if I don’t, I will slam on my brakes fast, you WILL rear end me and it WILL be your fault.  I am not below sacrificing my own vehicle to teach you a lesson.  Of course, the latter is a last ditch effort and probably won’t be done, but I can wish.  Or I can tap my break to let you know to get off the ass of my car!

However, what I will do if you continue to persist on pretending like you are a Nascar driver, is ask that you please proceed to the farthest left lanes. 114488603_crop_340x234 That will give me time to pull over, phone the police and give them your location, make and model of your car and what you look like, so that you can be stopped before you kill someone with your delusions of grandeur.  You think I won’t? Try me….

I will neither confirm nor deny I have called the police on speeding drivers.  Actually, I will definitely confirm it!

I have also called the police on:

–Cars I see with children that are unbuckled and bouncing around in the cars while their drivers are going 80+.

–Cars who can’t pick a lane (swerving), which leads me to believe they may be more than just changing the radio station.  And it doesn’t help if vodka bottles are flying out of your windows.

–Drivers that I see texting WHILE driving.  I will give the benefit of the doubt to those I see at a stop light and quickly looking at their phone then putting it down.  Although I probably shouldn’t.

text2Please learn how to spell when you are communicating with me through text or type

I am sometimes guilty of not double checking texts or posts and I kick myself in the butt when I see errors and always try to quickly fix them.  But when I get a text or message from someone that looks like I should have a decoder to read it, I will ignore it.

If I see this type of Hieroglyphics on a message forum or message board, I will out right make fun of you.

The exception: Twitter and sometimes Facebook (but only if your Twitter account is linked to your Facebook).  It’s hard to get some thoughts out in 140 characters or less, so abbreviating is necessary and completely acceptable.

Do NOT make assumptions about me in any form

Look, it really is simple.  If something about me is confusing, just ask.  Do not assume just because I don’t respond right away or I’m not talking a lot or I’m not smiling profusely means I hate you or me or the world!  This one is actually a pretty recent Pet Peeve as someone recently did this and I was left with my ass in my hand going “WTF does this person MEAN!”  I honestly believed that they thought they were talking to another person because I had no idea what or even who they were talking about.  If your sentence starts with “but I thought that…” you shouldn’t think.  Just ask.

OH my GOSH please stop the whining

I will pretty much walk away from anyone who is a constant whiner.  And if they have the “whiner’s” voice to go with their whining I will not even give them the time of day.3p6sol

There is a difference between someone needing a shoulder to cry on and someone who is just whining like a baby.  I understand people go through some bad crap, as do I, and someone to talk to really helps.  But if it starts to come down to the fact that EVERY time I’m conversing with you, you begin to whine about something or go back into the “whoa is me” mode, I will shut you out pretty fast.  Sometimes, I can deliver some hard to swallow medicine for those who wallow in their pity.  However, it would take a lot of wallowing for me to dispense the hard medicine so, if I have reached that point, your whining has reached its quota and you need to either buck up and put on your big adult pants or just be gone.

I would also like to note here that I’m not going to be a bitch about it.  Like I said, there are some people who really just need a shoulder to cry on.  Then there are some people who just thrive off making sure everyone knows their sorrows and being an attention whore by vocalizing their trials and tribulations and they do it all the time.  There is a difference.  The latter, I will not tolerate.

Lastly, and most certainly not the least, do not put your hands on or raise your voice to my child

Yup, this has happened three times in the almost 10 years of being a mother and it was not by any of my relatives, but complete strangers.

Incident #1 – The Boy was about 3 years old.  We were at a playground at a rather nice local out door mall.  He was playing in a little house on the playground and I was sitting on a bench about 10 feet away.  I could see him fine.  Next thing I see is a blonde bitch, grabbing my child by the arm pulling him off the play house and telling him something to his face.

Let me explain something.  If you knew me in person, you would point me out as the most quiet, mild and shy person ever.  I usually don’t speak unless spoken to and I really do hate confrontations.  1334539588097_3491865However, this personality trait of mine changed the minute I had to protect another human being.

When this woman touched my kid then got in his face, I saw red.  I walked up to her and

Me:  What is wrong?

Bitch Mother: He was pushing.

Me: Ah ok, well I tell you what, how about I push YOU because if you dare to touch my kid again you’ll wish that it was just my 3 year old pushing!

Then promptly rushed off because really, deep down, I am not a fighter and this confrontation was fueled solely on adrenaline, but damn if anyone touches my kid!

Incident #2 – At Disneyland, a line suddenly formed to take photos with Woody and Jessie from Toy Story.  The Boy was about 3 as well.  This lady was in front of us with a HUGE backpack that was hitting my kid’s head each time she tried to shove her way in front of me.  The first time her huge back pack hit my kid in the head, I just moved him over.  The second time it hit him in the head, I moved him to the side.  This woman was shoving around so hard that it hit my kid’s head for a third time.

It was then I told her that if she hit my small child in the head with her huge back pack again, she would be done, leaving her to interpret what exactly I meant by “done”.  She looked at me, kind of scared, as a young couple giggled behind me because they were also watching this scene unfold and knew I was at the brink of frustration.  She walked away.  Mission accomplished!

Incident # 3 – Also at Disneyland (yeah, when you go as much as I do, you start to see some non-Magical crap), my kid was around 3 and he was sitting in a display Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride car that was for taking pictures in, just outside the ride.  I was a few feet away, sitting down.

I suddenly noticed a man was grabbing his arm and pulling him away from the car!WTF!

I got up and then noticed he was pulling him away because it looked like his older son wanted a photo in the car my kid was sitting in.  I didn’t give a rat’s ass if this man wanted to drive away in this car, you do NOT touch my kid! (why do people think they can do THAT!)

I then quickly walked up and grabbed The Boy:

Me: Uh, excuse me but why are you grabbing my child?

Douche Bag Man:  He was in the way of the picture I want to take…

Me:  You know what? You can’t be grabbing my kid or probably any other kid that isn’t yours by the arm in a public place or the only picture anyone will be taking is of you lying on the ground…..you are lucky I’m not violent.

And I exit the scene….I had to….I was about to punch him.

Mother Bear

Lesson is please do NOT touch other people’s children.  Talk to the parent first.  If these people had just come to me…those scenarios would have ended a lot less aggressively.

And yes, they are all true stories.  You wanna hear about the time a 3 year old boy peed on my mother’s leg while we were stuck in a walkway at Disneyland?  Another true story…..but maybe for another time.

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2 thoughts on “Oh…no…please don’t do that.

  1. I can definitely concur with the touching your kid thing. I mean, yeah, if my kid is being really obnoxious (which they rarely are with strangers – they save that for me), tell them to buzz off, but grabbing them? Yeah, no, that can kind of get you arrested. My youngest was so charming one time (the two years, joy) while my husband was trying to get her out of Wal-Mart they thought he was kidnapping her. He had to prove he was her real father. If a Wal-Mart employee notices that, anyone would. I get annoyed at other peoples’ kids being awful, but I would never actually grab the kid. Trip him maybe, but . . . wtf?

    If someone is tail-gaiting me, and I’m going the speed limit, I just stay calm and putt along. My husband freaks out about it and will go out of his way to let them by. Not me. Dude can wait. I majored in passive aggressive, buddy.

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