I’m not doing good today. I don’t even want to type this.
Maybe, it is the come down from a great Disneyland/DCA visit yesterday. We were able to ride lots of rides, despite only getting there around 4pm. The Mad T Party and White Rabbit DJ were amazing, as always. Nothing but love for DJ Jason Jass….I want to have a party JUST to hire him as my DJ! And after I told him I’ve lost the 30 lbs with the help of his great mixes that I workout to, he shook my hand and said congrats. Super nice guy.
So what in all holy HELL is wrong with me?
I’m FUCKING LONELY! DAMMIT!
This is utterly ridiculous. I’m sure these feelings also stem from another huge argument with my mother on Thursday night which ended with her telling me to not bring The Boy to her the next day (Friday) so I could go to work, which led me to scrambling to make arrangements with his summer camp to take him for half day on Friday (thank GOD that they are understanding and did take him). I’m not playing her game anymore, nor am I giving in to her hissy fits. She wants to play the “I’m not going to watch The Boy so now you HAVE to take off work and probably get fired because you have to SOLELY rely on me” game. It’s a common game for her and one of the reasons I lost a job back in 2007. I couldn’t care LESS if she watched him on Mondays and Fridays during the summer or not. In fact, I couldn’t care less about much of any of it really. I told my sister as much yesterday, before dropping her off at the airport, to go visit our other sister. I said that I don’t think that I will be involved much in possibly dealing with our memory loss father (who is getting severely worse day by day) and bipolar “just needs to shut her mouth” mother. I’m pulling away even further than I ever have which may pull me right out of their radar completely.
However, it could also be that my younger sister is up in Montana visiting our older sister and, as usual, once – fucking – again, I’m being left out. It’s not their fault and I’m not mad at them. I just don’t have the money nor can I get the time off work for a trip to the middle of the country. So now I get to look at all the fun photos of them on my sister’s FB page and I, as usual, get to be “outside looking in”.
Yeah, I think I need to go run or lift massive weights or something because I just blew up at my kid just because he asked for lunch. Although, I don’t see why he can’t make his own fucking sandwich every once in a while. Or even wash a fucking dish. Some days I don’t want to be a parent.
I even wonder about losing 30 lbs. On one side of the coin, it is great to feel lighter and faster and bouncier on my feet. Yesterday, at Disneyland/DCA, not only was I walking through that place much faster and actually fitting into the ride seats and not having my inner tube shaped gut spilling over into the seat next to me, but in Toon Town, I was playing and climbing in the play area with my kid and I could keep up! I didn’t get winded or out of breath or feel like my heart was going to explode!
But, on the other side, now I know WHY I kept myself fat in the first place. It was the reason and the excuse I had to explain my loneliness. If I lose the “excuse”….then I will really wonder why I have not one friend, will never be in a relationship and maybe I’ll see that there really is something wrong with me that wasn’t just the fat.
So, in essence, I am petrified of being smaller. It’s like the fat was a part of me. It’s like I’m slowly losing my right arm! Because 30 lbs is actually the most I’ve lost EVER, in all the times I’ve lost weight.
And why am I losing the weight in the first place? To be healthier? Yes. To live longer? Yes. But to live longer in a life of utter dark loneliness where The Nothing is my only friend?
So to sum it up even more, I’m petrified to lose the weight and losing the weight, is depressing me.
Seriously, WTF! is wrong with me!
Yeah, I need to go run or I’m going to take a steak knife to my wrists…fuck.
K, running now…..thanks bye!