Losing my fat granted me a “Depression” day

I’m not doing good today.  I don’t even want to type this.

Maybe, it is the come down from a great Disneyland/DCA visit yesterday.  We were able to ride lots of rides, despite only getting there around 4pm.  The Mad T Party and White Rabbit DJ were amazing, as always.  Nothing but love for DJ Jason Jass….I want to have a party JUST to hire him as my DJ!  And after I told him I’ve lost the 30 lbs with the help of his great mixes that I workout to, he shook my hand and said congrats.  Super nice guy.

So what in all holy HELL is wrong with me?

I’m FUCKING LONELY! DAMMIT!

This is utterly ridiculous.  I’m sure these feelings also stem from another huge argument with my mother on Thursday night which ended with her telling me to not bring The Boy to her the next day (Friday) so I could go to work, which led me to scrambling to make arrangements with his summer camp to take him for half day on Friday (thank GOD that they are understanding and did take him).  I’m not playing her game anymore, nor am I giving in to her hissy fits.  She wants to play the “I’m not going to watch The Boy so now you HAVE to take off work and probably get fired because you have to SOLELY rely on me” game.  It’s a common game for her and one of the reasons I lost a job back in 2007.  I couldn’t care LESS if she watched him on Mondays and Fridays during the summer or not.  In fact, I couldn’t care less about much of any of it really.  I told my sister as much yesterday, before dropping her off at the airport, to go visit our other sister.  I said that I don’t think that I will be involved much in possibly dealing with our memory loss father (who is getting severely worse day by day) and bipolar “just needs to shut her mouth” mother.  I’m pulling away even further than I ever have which may pull me right out of their radar completely.

However, it could also be that my younger sister is up in Montana visiting our older sister and, as usual, once – fucking – again, I’m being left out.  It’s not their fault and I’m not mad at them.  I just don’t have the money nor can I get the time off work for a trip to the middle of the country.  So now I get to look at all the fun photos of them on my sister’s FB page and I, as usual, get to be “outside looking in”.

Yeah, I think I need to go run or lift massive weights or something because I just blew up at my kid just because he asked for lunch.  Although, I don’t see why he can’t make his own fucking sandwich every once in a while.  Or even wash a fucking dish.  Some days I don’t want to be a parent.

I even wonder about losing 30 lbs.  On one side of the coin, it is great to feel lighter and faster and bouncier on my feet.  Yesterday, at Disneyland/DCA, not only was I walking through that place much faster and actually fitting into the ride seats and not having my inner tube shaped gut spilling over into the seat next to me, but in Toon Town, I was playing and climbing in the play area with my kid and I could keep up!  I didn’t get winded or out of breath or feel like my heart was going to explode!

th

Although, it’s not necessarily “boys”…I just feel that I will see that even thin, I’m depressed.

But, on the other side, now I know WHY I kept myself fat in the first place.  It was the reason and the excuse I had to explain my loneliness.  If I lose the “excuse”….then I will really wonder why I have not one friend, will never be in a relationship and maybe I’ll see that there really is something wrong with me that wasn’t just the fat.

So, in essence, I am petrified of being smaller.  It’s like the fat was a part of me.  It’s like I’m slowly losing my right arm!  Because 30 lbs is actually the most I’ve lost EVER, in all the times I’ve lost weight.

And why am I losing the weight in the first place?  To be healthier? Yes.  To live longer? Yes.  But to live longer in a life of utter dark loneliness where The Nothing is my only friend?

So to sum it up even more, I’m petrified to lose the weight and losing the weight, is depressing me.

Seriously, WTF! is wrong with me!

Yeah, I need to go run or I’m going to take a steak knife to my wrists…fuck.

K, running now…..thanks bye!

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14 thoughts on “Losing my fat granted me a “Depression” day

  1. Are you making any attempts to be social? It might not have anything to do with your looks OR personality. You might be giving off the vibe that you don’t want to sociable be simply not making an effort.

    • It’s funny you should say that. Just after I posted, I emailed the mother of one of the kids my kid was good friends with in the private school he went to a few years ago. She was the only one I got along with when my kid went there.

      But as far as being social, I have to things going against me. My kid doesn’t allow for much social time as there isn’t a moment of any day I’m not with him, unless he’s at school and I’m at work. Remember, I’m not the single mother who gets “every other weekend” off from the kid.

      Second, trust…I still severely have a lack in trust for others.

      • Well then there’s your answer. It has nothing to do with your looks or you, it has to do with your circumstances. Perhaps you could find a sitter for the kid so you can go out every once in a while?

        As far as trust, until you try trusting again you will always be lonely. There’s only one way to find out if you can trust someone. You just have to take that chance.

        • I’d feel to guilty leaving The Boy with someone. I feel guilty when I would leave him with my mom for a night.

          I have to work on the trust issues. I’d just be afraid that I would trust someone then they would betray me and that would do me in.

          It’s so psychological. But I’m finishing up my run and feeling a bit better. Nothing like natural adrenaline.

        • Do you plan on not dating until he’s 18? If you want to date sooner then you’ll have to find a sitter? Don’t feel guilty for doing something for you. This is something I learned the hard way. You need a break from each other every now and then anyhow.

        • Actually yeah. I wanted him to be at least older. I’m afraid of making a mistake in judgment of character and introducing the wrong man to him at this young age. He was already betrayed by his biological father who turned his back on him.

        • You can date without introducing him to you son, you know. I didn’t introduce my wife to twins for MONTHS and went to great lengths to conceal the fact that I was dating until I was sure she was worthy to introduce to them.

        • Yup. If I’m meant to be with someone, it’ll happen eventually.

          I’m just extra irritated today but I am feeling better. Exercised for almost an hour and it’s raining outside but it’s 90 degrees. I may forget all manners and just go dance in the warm rain with The Boy.

  2. First off, congrats on losing that weight!! I’m so proud of you! Really, I am 🙂 Second, get yourself a good babysitter so that 1) you don’t need to rely on your mother and 2) you can get some of that “me time” you deserve. And I know you feel guilty if you’re not with your kid all the time, but talking to him and letting him know you need some mommy time might be good for him – to let him know that 1) you can have a good relationship with someone even if they’re not with you all the time 2) other people have needs they need to meet and 3) he might gain some autonomy and learn to make sandwiches 😉

    I hope everything goes well for you and you’re able to make some awesome offline friends 🙂

  3. I completely get this. I do. It’s really nuts how we torment ourselves in our own heads. I do this all the time. I am always doing the ” I’m not good enough” thing in my head. Presently I am trying a new thing. Trying to be okay just as I am, no matter what weight I am, or what color my hair is, or how my clothes fit that day. It is soo hard though. It’s a change that needs to happen inside. The outside is always going to change. That is certain. So you become “okay” with yourself on the inside….whatever the outside is will not matter. Hang in there with your family stuff. Oh man….we must have been separated at birth. I have very similar family issues. I actually have a sister who I no longer have in my life because it really was the only way. I had to step away from the situation. It was very toxic to both of us. Stepping away really was the answer and even though it was not easy…I now know that it was the best thing for the situation. Just hang in there…and go for that run because you will feel better that you did. 🙂

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