I want to have a decent relationship with my sister. I try to spend time with her and share moments.
This post isn’t about how my sister ruined my last attempt, but, once again, how our mother ruins everything.
I’m at the end of my rope now.
I have always wanted to keep a relationship going with my mother. After all, she is my mother and birthed me and if anything keep a relationship going for my kid’s sake because she is still decent with him and he hasn’t seen how she can really be yet. However, the last straw has been dropped on the camel and the camel’s back, is broken.
Since, writing the above, not only was the final straw dropped on the camel, but while the camel was down, another was pummelled at him.
First, I tried to make it a day with my sister and I at Disney (California Adventure) this past Friday. I paid for her $92 ticket to just get into DCA and I wanted her to see the Mad T Party band and take a picture with the White Rabbit DJ as the White Rabbit is her favorite character.
Proof that at least we had a decent few drama free hours:
The mistake I made was giving The Boy to my parents for the day. I only did it because I really didn’t want to hear his whining on how we weren’t doing things he wanted to happen, but now that I think back, he really isn’t that way.
I should have just brought him with us.
Around 5pm (we had arrived at 12:30 and I paid a full day $92 ticket for my sister to get in), I get a text from our mother saying my father is in the ER with possible Kidney pains. My phone gets no signal in ride lines which tend to go into buildings and under ground. But basically, she was wanting us to cut it short and leave.
Uh..I paid 92 fucking dollars to get my sister into the park, only to stay there for about 4 hours and not even see the show she wanted to? But beyond that…our mother can’t even allow us to have one afternoon together, as sisters. Believe me, she could have handled our father on her own. What she didn’t want was my kid.
I ignored my mother’s text, as did my sister. Cruel? Maybe but we both knew, without speaking a word to each other, this was our mother’s drama at it’s best.
An hour passes, I get a text that she called her sister to pick up The Boy and my aunt was more than happy to do it. Well look at that, she actually figured it out. The Boy and my aunt were fine with this situation and my mother was just being a drama queen yet again.
We leave around 9:30 to go pick up The Boy from my Aunt’s house, I’m driving and this is when I get bamboozled.
I believe it happened like this, in bullet points because I really don’t know how it happened.
- I’m driving, my sister calls our mother to inform her we are on our way to pick up The Boy and she keeps asking my sister where we are, what exit on the freeway and when we left. What’s it to her! She needs to take care of our father and stop controlling everything.
- Our mother insists that they are done (BTW, my father did end up with a Kidney stone and all my mother could care about was pestering us for the next 3 hours)
- My sister, in her oh so “I don’t put up with this shit” way, tells our mother that she needs to slow her damn roll, get OUR FATHER his medications and get him home because he needed rest. (selfish much dear mother?)
- Our mother then starts talking to me, I’m driving and on speaker phone. She asks what I’m doing tomorrow and I try to vaguely say I’m going clothes shopping for The Boy the next day. Before I knew it, she invited herself and then that was that.
- I was livid because I paid for this day with my sister, I had it cut short and interrupted and couldn’t enjoy the last few hours and now this woman is INVITING herself clothes shopping and I know why…because she wants to control what clothes I buy for the Boy. Oh yes she does.
- Boy gets picked and once again, we are asked why we didn’t call her to tell her we had picked him up. Because the last time I checked my sister and I WEREN’T FUCKING 15 YEARS OLD!
(it kinda makes me laugh but the day before, my sister and I took The Boy to Universal Studios. When my mother found out, first thing she said was “why didn’t you let us know and why did you bring your father and I”?
WTF?! First, I’m 36 and don’t need mommy and daddy’s permission to go to an amusement park and 2nd, you guys are not necessarily people I want at someplace like Universal Studios. My dad tends to get lost and forget where he’s at and my mother just sulks and complains about her knee. Wet blankets….
But apparently, I’m supposed to let her know when I go anywhere. Bull.shit)
It must always be about her and how she can control everyone
Jesus H. Christ……..give me strength….
More bullet points for the next day and the results of me not standing up to that woman:
The next day I prepare myself mentally but I still don’t know how I allowed this to happen. I have a guess though
- We both go to Kohl’s ready to get a few new things for The Boy. I have budgeted only maybe 2 new shirts and a pair of shorts. In all honesty, his current clothes are fine, I just wanted to get him something new to wear to school for the first few days.
- Somewhere between me going to the clearance rack for shirts and the cash register, my mother shows my kid the way to expensive Tony Hawk stuff that I did not budget (about $22 a shirt) and the Vans shorts sections (about $30 a pair).
- At the end of it all, because she did that and made me look like the meanie mom in public and in front of The Boy when I said I didn’t budget for this many $22 shirts, I was out way over $100.
Fast forward to yesterday…..rent is due…and guess what? I don’t have it. I call the rental company (actual the company that I work for) and am told that, per their policy, if I don’t have the rent by the 8th, I get a lawyer and sheriff’s knocking on my door and I get evicted.
That was when I had the epiphany.
This is what my mother WANTS! As I think about it, this theory is manipulation at it’s very best. She WANTS me to be so broke that I can’t pay my rent and have to be between homelessness and begging her for money or to come back and live with her. She gets this from her sister, the one up in Washington, who can’t get her act together long enough to not be asking my mother for money all the damned time.
I will not go down this easily. I’ve fought TO hard and TO long to have to give her ANY satisfaction of a win.
What did I do? I sat my kid down and explained that his grandmother had NO right to go over my head with the shopping. I explain that some of his shirts have to be taken back so I can get the money back into my account to pay rent. He was good with that. Believe me, even The Boy understands how manipulative his grandmother is.
I know what she was trying to do with the shopping thing. I’m more mad at myself for allowing myself to be manipulated, once again. She was just trying to out play me and, because I know her, she was trying to get me into the situation that I was currently in so that she could control me better, especially if I needed money.
That woman’s ultimate goal is to get my sister and I practically homeless so that we come crawling back to her needing a place to stay.
I would slit my wrists before I ever give her that satisfaction.
After I relaxed a bit yesterday, when my apartment was dark and quiet, I thought about what I need to do about this.
I know I’ve said it before but now I’m going to say it again. To prevent the above from happening, I just can NOT have a relationship with her. I.just.can’t. And by I can’t I simply mean “I WON’T!” I really just don’t have the energy and the patience to constantly be on guard around her because she uses mind tricks like a Jedi to manipulate situations. This last time, she used my son by making sure she dangled the more expensive items in front of him, knowing that would make it harder for me to deal with and knowing that I was on a budget.
The woman takes on the burden of so many of her ungrateful family, her sisters, her cousins, even her dead (and the most horrible man who ever walked the planet) father still makes an appearance. Not in the ghost sense but in the now she has to take into her home her elderly step mother as well as take care of her memory loss husband.
The small part of me that still feels sympathy for her is disappearing fast. She takes all this on because she is controlling like that. But then she complains that she has “so much to deal with”. When those words are uttered…that is when my sympathy goes out the door. She can say no to any of these family members or situations, but she doesn’t.
Oh but she will be EXTRA sure to treat myself and my sister like crap with put down after put down and insult after insult. We are the only TWO people who have backed her up, helped her out and put up with her shit.
I have let her go forever
I do not like being manipulated and I’m FINALLY glad my sister FINALLY sees, after 30 years of knowing her, how our mother manipulates us. I’ve been saying it for a while and it is the basis of why I really just want that woman to exit my life.
My sister tends to tell her like it is and if she doesn’t like it, my sister really couldn’t care less. That is good, when dealing with my mother but my sister tends to be that way with me to so I never go to her for emotional support, ever. She would tell me to grow a pair and quit whining. However, she deals with our mother better than I.
Now that school has started, there is no reason for me to ever step foot in my mother’s house. She does not watch The Boy while I work. And I am making arrangements to never have to go down that road. For the most part, the only reason I even see my parents, was because I had to drop off and pick up The Boy.
And now, she is taking in her step mother and father’s widow. For the most part, I like this old woman. She makes great cuban dishes and I have nothing against her. However, she is part of a branch of the cult that we came out of and still practices a lot of it’s old ways. Hence, no Christmas. Christmas was something we did at my parents house with the tree and gifts and Glory to God songs playing in the backround while we baked Christmas cookies. I can pretty much garantee that if my step-grandmother lives there, my mother will not be doing any of these things, once again, choosing others over her daughters and our family traditions. Mark my words, Christmas is no longer in that house.
Fine…my sister and I are making plans to head out to Montana to spend Christmas with our older sister.
Do these plans piss off my mother? Oh you better believe they do and mostly because, our older sister is not her daughter but our father’s. Yet, because my mother is the controlling factor between my parents and she knows that she controls my ailing father, my father is not going to be allowed to go with us to visit his own daughter (my older sister) and two other grandkids.
You see where the manipulation starts to turn ugly?
So now, my interaction with that woman will be reduced to the occasional text of “yes we are still alive now leave me alone” and whenever she goes to The Boy’s hockey lesson. And that is all.
The account….is closed.
I have a little exercise I would like each and every one of you to do, just for me.
I want you to think about someone you love. Maybe your husband, maybe your parents or your kids.
Now, think about if they died. Humor me, and do it…
What do you feel?? You feel sadness, hurt, you maybe want to cry?
I feel nothing when I think of my mother no longer on this earth….just nothing. When God finally decides to take her away from us, I will feel nothing. I believe, if I were to feel anything it will be a sense of truly and finally being…..free.
Until then, she is now someone who I will go out of my way to avoid at any costs from here until God takes one of us. She only has herself to blame.