I feel like a hamster on a wheel

hamster-wheel

It’s just the same old thing, over and over.  I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to get excited about.  Well, I take some of that back.  I did get approved for a 8 day vacation at Christmas time, which includes 2 paid holidays.  I’m going with my sister to visit our other sister in Montana.  However, I still have that forboding feeling that something will try to ruin that and it will probably be my mother.

I have no money for food again today.  I spent the last I had on lunch items for The Boy.  He eats before me.  That is my basic rule when money is tight. So as of lately, there has been nothing left over after I feed him or get his lunch items, which I’ve had to get more of because, well he’s a growing boy.  So, some days, I starve.  I’m not going to die. I have enough fat to cover the lack of food.  It’s just more annoying.

I forgot to boil eggs last night so I have no hard boiled eggs for lunch today.  I’m going to survive today on a Greek yogurt and a cup of strawberries.   In all honesty, that is why I have been losing weight.  All my food expenses go to The Boy and I just get what is left over which is usually nothing.  It’s been a rough summer since I had to pay twice as much for summer camp in June and July and now, The Boy’s moving up to the Hockey clinic so I need to get his full gear which is turning out to run into the $500 range. Unbelievable.

I have -$30 in my account until next Wednesday.   Yes that is a “negative” sign you see in front of that number.  And I have no idea how I’m going to fill my tank with gas.  I may have to skip work and call in “don’t have enough money to get gas to get to work” one day until next Wednesday.  I already had to take back some clothes of The Boy’s that I allowed myself to be tricked into buying (believe me, I only blame myself).  I cried to The Boy on Monday after I picked him up from school telling him that I over spent and it was my fault and I would have to take some clothes back.  He put his hand on my shoulder and said, “it’s ok and look! I caught a lizard!”

God I love that kid so much!

Also, my Water/Sewer/Trash bill has gone up like 60%.  This is the bill that most apartment complexes pay for but not the one I’m in.  It’s my highest utility bill at $70 a month which is what it was last month.  I have a 755 sq ft apartment.  I have no idea how I can have that much for water/sewer/trash.  I know sewer and trash I can’t even control but I know I don’t use that much water.  When I asked about it I was basically told “sorry, that is what it is”.

I know I’m not going to be able to afford this apartment by my lease renewal next June.  Rent has gone up all three years I’ve been here and not by a couple of bucks.   I think $100 is the most I’ve seen it go up.

I’ll figure it out though.  It’s just so disheartening as I’m trying my best.  I almost lost it on Monday afternoon though.  I realized that I had not one more cent and I still had to pay rent and for this month’s hockey lesson.  On the drive home, my sister called because I asked her, my out of work sister, if she had $20 to cover some of hockey lessons.  I lost it.  It was another dark hole of The Nothing I was falling into at that moment and I wanted to die and be done with all this anguish and pain, just be done.

I breathed and moved on.  One of these days, I won’t get to the breathe and move on moment and just keep falling until I stop falling and the pain is done. *sigh*

warningcontains-200x200Deep in my heart though…I know it’s still black with hate because I know that the father of my child, who turned his back and left his son gets to prance around, bang whoever he wants and do whatever he wants while I have to worry about money, hockey gear (which if I don’t get soon I will never hear the end of the complaining from The Boy) and schooling.  As time goes on, I really do feel myself just hating that man and I will continue to do so, regardless if he’s the father of my child.

I don’t like having so much hate in my heart, but at least it’s geared towards one person that I rarely see or converse with ever.

This just in:  I’ve just been told that I will now be forced to move out of my office with the door and window into a stuffy cubicle in the small hallway.  Apparently, my office is for a paralegal, not legal secretary, which I am, something I’ve never been told in the last year and 2 months I’ve been here.

It just gets better and better.

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3 thoughts on “I feel like a hamster on a wheel

  1. Dude, very well written….your heart comes out in every single sentence…..

    You NEED something to look forward to!

    I wish I could wave a magic wand and give you your hearts desire.

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