Are you happy?

I stayed home from work today.  There was a reason for it but mainly, I really just didn’t want to go.  I’m finding it hard to keep my composure and patience and I’m finding I’m having to just bite my tongue a lot.  Especially, now that I’ve been moved into a smaller work space, which feels like a form of a demotion to me.  My frustration from that stems from being basically told “tough but that office was meant for a paralegal and you are not one” but oddly enough, all I hear is “you are just not good enough to be in an office because the big bad paralegal who got a degree is better than you”

I just have to bite my lip, bend over and take it because, well, I need a job or I’m on the streets, begging for food and that isn’t an exaggeration.

I stayed home and spent the first hours of the morning in bed staring at this beautiful face.  I was just so exhausted, more emotional than physical.  I laid in bed, with my cat therapy and I thought.

I thought about an interesting phenomenon that has been going on in the whole course of my life for as long as I can remember.  I’ve been alive for 36 1/2 years and I can count only one 3 month period where I felt I was actually happy.

I was about 6 months pregnant, almost 10 years ago, and I had been taken off work due to slight complications.  I had just moved into a nice condo with my then husband and was under no stress.  I woke up whenever I wanted, I spent hours relaxing with my two cats Nikita and Dunpeel.  I had my child growing inside me.  I had no money worries because since I was on medical disability, Aflac paid me $1400 a month as well as my employer at the time paying me disability on top of still getting paid my regular paycheck because I was using paid time off.

Those three months are the only time I can remember where I didn’t feel heartbreak, sorrow, worries and the pressure of everything around me.

Never again, before or after, did I feel that kind of peace ever again.  I only have a whole of loneliness and emotional suffering ahead.

I want that moment back.

So, when I am asked “are you happy” I can answer “no”.

When I am asked “have you ever been happy”, I an answer “only 3 months in my entire 36 year existence”.

I just want to be free.

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