I will start out my letter to You with a question.
Why do You feel I don’t deserve love?
I believe, in my heart, that You exist. That will never change. Therefore, I come to You for the answer to this question. I know that no other human on this planet can answer this, except maybe myself, which may be the answer in and of itself. However, you know me better than I know myself.
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart”- Jeremiah 1:5
I refuse to believe that You are ignorant to the amount of pain this loneliness brings.
I know that I have trouble getting along with the mother You gave me. You must see how I try very hard to understand her but I am human (as you have made me) and I do have a tolerance level. I have accepted that You gave me this type of mother for a reason. I see that reason as being to shape my own type of mothering. So, in the bigger picture, it was a learning process. I’ve learned now, can I just get a break from her pain now?
I understand that I have made many MANY mistakes and I have been the “Prodigal Son” many times over. I stray only to come back to You admitting I am weak. I am weak emotionally. I am weak physically. However, since You knew me before I was in the womb, You knew I would be an emotional and emotionally needy person who craved love. You knew I would crave affection and touch. You knew I would crave plain old love. Yet, You have denied it from my life.
For a man named Job, in the Bible, You allow Satan to destroy him, a man who was just about the most faithful man to God that there was. Satan was a kid in a candy store, being allowed to test one of God’s most faithful servants.
All the tests caused Job to lose everything, his family, his riches, and even his health. Why must everything be a test? The story of Job is supposed ot teach us that just because one suffers, inside, with loneliness and an empty heart, does not mean one is being punished for some sin. That makes sense because I wonder, all the time, what truly horrible transgressions I’m committing other than just being a human full of flaws and having so much need for affection that the void of just that, makes me want to scream. I constantly feel like I’m looking over my shoulder, so to speak, thinking “what have I done now to deserve this”. It is feeding my guilty conscience with a vengeance.
I do not write this to You to whine or sound ungrateful, even though that is how it seems. Upon reflecting on this topic and as I look around the populace, I notice that there are so many lonely humans out there. Some have given up because they have had one to many interactions with those who do not care for love, only for personal satisfaction. However, some are truly and honestly, just wanting to find love. In this aspect, misery does not love company. I do not feel solice seeing the lonely people all over the globe. I feel even more sadness because this kind of emptiness is not an easy thing to bare.
I know that You see how lonely myself and so many others are. I know that sometimes, you just have to turn Your face from it because it is mostly caused by choices we make. I reach out as a last resort because I know that the choices I made in my past, brought me here. However, the choices I’m making now, should not keep me down this path. I always thought I was well deserved of the right path.
I will not throw back in Your face the wonderful blessing that is my boy, my job, my health, even my cat! I would never be so arrogant. I just wonder, is that all that is left? If so, when will I be able to smile again, to laugh again. I miss laughing. What am I missing because I know it is something I, alone, am missing or failing to comprehend. Or maybe there is just something that You aren’t allowing me to see?
I still believe that you do give us what we can handle, and never more. That is apparent in the fact that you allowed me to become a mother (something I can handle and outright needed to be) but not to become the mother of a female (something I don’t think I could handle).
Why would you think I couldn’t handle love? Why do I feel you allow it for others but not myself? What do I need to change? What am I supposed to learn in the void of loneliness?
I do not question your reasoning. I just try to understand it.Sincerely, Your ever faithful yet sometimes flawed servant Me
P.S. Don’t worry, even though I don’t go to a church, I still feel strongly in following You. I’m just sorry that all the churches are run by more flawed humans. If You find one run by Jesus Himself, I’ll be first in line to join! And I will continue to treat myself with kindness and be good to my body.