Yes, you are assuming correctly. This post will not be fun. It will not be easy. It may very well ex-communicate me from owning any property in the Kingdom of Heaven but it simply has to be said. Because I’m just pissed!
Sometimes, I just want to give You the finger.
“Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will send you out to fish for people.”
Then, I do follow…and the road You lead me down hurts beyond belief! It’s lonely. It’s frustrating. It breaks my heart multiple times.
Is this Your “love”?
Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”
Ok, no problem. I will live simply, yet pure. Still the pain and heart ache continue. I never find my laugh or smile. I just walk down this path that leads to The Nothing.
I’m reminded of a scene from a movie called The Devil’s Advocate:
“Look, but don’t touch”
“Touch, but don’t taste”
“Taste, but don’t swallow”
Really? Do You really watch us from up there and laugh as we bounce back and forth trying to obey Your word so that we will be blessed in the Kingdom of Heaven? While those who scoff and mock you (maybe ex-husbands who were out right atheists) get all the joy?
I would like to hope not. I can see why non-believers question You so much.
You have given us free will. You have given us the right to choose our actions. Yet, why does it feel that when I choose the path of righteousness, You turn Your back and go “ha…ha, tricked ya!”
Is this Bizarro World? I think it is because it looks like the wicked souls and evil hearts of this world are not only getting off scott free but enjoying it as well. I just found out today that my ex-husband, is yet again with another woman. While I’m sure this relationship of his will be just as meaningless as all the others after me, at least he gets to a relationship, period. And don’t ask me how I found out. That doesn’t matter but from what I know, he’s had a few different relationships and that is a few more than I ever had in the past 10 years. And believe me, this isn’t jealously talking…and if it is, the only thing I’m jealous about is that he gets to live his life with little worries while I get stomach ulcers trying to raise a kid and keep my sanity.
Oh, why have I not had relationships, You may ask? Well, I don’t know why You would ask that. You are up there looking down at me, maybe laughing, as I jump Your ropes, go to Your churches and praise Your name. But in case You do decide to blame the fact that I’m human, well the reason I’ve been utterly alone is because I’m raising a child. This is the same child that the aforementioned ex-husband abandoned, to be fatherless. Yet YOU feel the need to give that man freedom, relationships and a relatively stress free life while I deal with doctor appointments, whining attitudes, homework/teachers, teaching a human how to be a decent person (and praise Your name) and worst of all…loneliness.
Did I not choose wisely enough for You? Was deciding to follow through on my actions and raise a child that didn’t deserve to be abandoned not righteous enough for You? I guess that isn’t enough for You since you feel the need to torture me more and more as the years go on.
It isn’t enough that You gave me the physique and looks of Quasimodo so that I have to work extra hard just to keep up with the slowest metabolism on the planet, another quality that you so graciously granted me. And of course, it isn’t enough that I should even be remotely rewarded for actually losing the most weight ever except maybe to probably live longer but live longer in this lonely existence you gave me?! Doesn’t seem like a reward to me.
Regardless, all in all, sometimes, just sometimes God, I want to flip you a finger and a half because sometimes, just sometimes, You choose to bless the wrong people.
That is all.
P.S. Please don’t strike me down with lightening for ranting at You. I don’t really want to give You the finger but sometimes You deserve a good rant because I’m looking back onto the sand and I’m only seeing my tired emotionally exhausted feet dragging in the sand and Your footprints are no where to be found.
Oh and sorry for yelling…
This rant brought to you by the number three (which sounds like cheese, as in “Would you like some more cheese with that Whine”) and by the letters F and U.