The Daily Prompt today hit WAY to close to home. So much so, that I felt obligated to write about it.
Daily Prompt: No Fair
Tell us about something you think is terribly unfair — and explain how you would rectify it.
I guess I find it hard to actually utter the words “That is NO FAIR!” without sounding like a spoiled little 5 year old. However, all the time there are situations that are just simply, not fair.
I recently gave the proverbial finger to God regarding this unfairness and then became afraid I might be smite down with His vengeance. I wasn’t. Instead, I was presented with a possible positive answer from Him regarding my loneliness but upon further inspection, it’s just another dead end and once again, I’ve had the carrot dangled in front of me and I followed like a dumb donkey.
Just last night, after this realization that I’m a fool for trying, I actually spent the evening, during my workout, during my shower, grooming after my shower and while watching T.V., either uttering or thinking the words “It just isn’t fair” while I intermittedly cried.
I work DAMN hard to be able to house and take care of myself and my son, on my own, with little help from family and NO help from his father, my ex-husband, except some money monthly. As of lately, I’ve been working DAMNED hard to get 50 lbs off my body and still losing! I look much more appealing to the eyes now. As superficial as that is, it is the truth. I think, it’s not fair that I run my ASS off on a daily basis on a stupid treadmill, don’t eat any of the sweets I enjoyed before to be able to lose the most weight I’ve ever lost, only to be over looked, yet again, by ANY man’s eye, just as if I was fat all over again! I had a prospect (the “carrot” I speak of above) but it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. I thought it was, but I was fooling myself. I was, once again, over looked.
According to all that is fair, I have nothing to offer anyone. If that is true, then that is beyond sad.
When does it become MY turn to be happy?
When does it become MY turn to have love?
When does it become MY turn to enjoy myself?
In the end, it isn’t fair that my ex-husband, who left his only son and never looked back, gets to have multiple relationships while I stay single and probably, eventually, an old maid, while I put all my energy into raising HIS son and continuously put my own needs to the side. Don’t get me wrong, I love my son more than anything on the earth but the loneliness……there are some moments it gets so bad I feel like walls of blackness are caving in on me, shutting me in and I can’t breathe and I think The Nothing is finally here to take me.
I mean WHAT THE HELL!
It just isn’t fair.
Fine! Then what would I do to make it fair?
I honestly don’t know. I know life isn’t fair and that is just how it is. It just seems that the unjust and wicked are getting the upper hand and maybe they are. I just have to tell myself that I am the one who is the better person for sticking around, raising and loving my child, even if my ex-husband didn’t want to. I have to tell myself I am the one who wins a few more moments of life with every pound I lose and not just to get a man to love me.
So, in essence what isn’t fair can also be seen as what I win by working hard and when I feel lonely at the end of the day because my life has lead me down a friendless and loveless road, I just have to remind myself that my goals are being accomplished.
Even if no one else cares.