I guess that’s what happens when I try to find my happiness…

I get shut down again.

What was I thinking I could actually do something for myself and be selfish enough to concentrate a little more on my health and body, enough to have lost 50 lbs.  How selfish of me!

How selfish of me to think I could actually TRY and find love or even a friend or two, being that I have no friends!

I’m just a selfish stupid idiot because I knew that something would pull me back in telling me “hey, you have NO right to be happy.  You must sacrifice every ounce of your happiness or finding it because…you have a kid to raise.

Today, I’m mad

Today, I do not want to be a mother.

After a teacher conference early this morning, I come to find out, The Boy is not doing as good as I thought.  I guess I’m just not as intuitive as I would hope to be.  He’s pretty much failing every class.  The teacher says that she thinks he can do the work and he isn’t being  purposefully or disrespectful.  He just loses concentration.

He is the human form of Doug and the dogs in Up.

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Could it be ADHD? Maybe.

Will I give him the drugs? NEVER!!

It is also a combination of he is just a silly clown and likes the attention.

However, I’ve tried everything I could.  I take away things but he is who he is.

The worst is that I have NO ONE to confide in about this. Not one person.  I tell my mother very little because, well that would come back and bite me in the ass later.  I tell my sister very little well because, she is tied up in her own life.

I’m not doing good at this very moment.

But here I am at work having to put a fake stupid smile on my face while the black loneliness is creeping in again and I have no one to talk to.  I just want to end this failure and hopelessness I feel. End it for good.

On top of that…this ovarian pain is wanting to make me scream for real.  I can’t even stand up straight.  It hurts all on my left side.  But do I get to go to the doctor to check it out? Nope…I have a FUCKING KID TO RAISE!  No one else will do it or help me.  I swear to God that someday, I’m just going to drop dead because I have other obligations to tend to other than helping myself.

I’m the person in a room full of people….screaming…and no one cares to hear me or help.

Oh and the guy?  He’s avoiding me…..or so it seems.

So fuck you life!

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3 thoughts on “I guess that’s what happens when I try to find my happiness…

  1. I’m so sorry. Although I don’t have a child, I have so many things going on right now that I just want to sit down and cry for a few days. I know it seems insurmountable right now but you will get through it, come hell or high water.

  2. I should probably stop commenting until I finish and am up to date.. but, concerning the single dad, I wouldn’t take it personally. Men are often aloof, so try not to read too much into it, especially if it’s been less than a week. You have a lot more going on in your life to take too much notice of such things 😉

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