This will not be a fun happy post. This will not recap all the wonderful things happening to me lately. In fact, I would like to cover how my brain is slowly being taken over by The Nothing.
For those who have seen The Matrix, there is a scene, in the first film of that Trilogy, where Neo is hooked up and they are pulling him out of the Matrix and he begins to hallucinate that he is being covered with some sort of silver, metallic goo which slowly starts to cover his whole body
This is a perfect example of how The Nothing is slowly covering my soul. I try to stay strong, be with God and believe He has a plan for me and my loneliness. For the most part, I do believe He has a plan. That plan is for me to be alone, to not have one friend (yes, I have not one single solitary friend) and He also plans for me to never find love.
On a daily basis, I do not enjoy this plan. In fact, I give this plan the bird, because, even if I made mistakes in my past, I certainly am not deserving of this pain now.
So, let’s discuss pain. I have found that heart ache, emotional and mental pain is so much worse than any physical pain I could ever feel.
I will now admit something which prompted me to make this blog private
On a daily basis, I have to stay away from sharp objects and garages where a car is left running and I’m sure you ALL understand what I mean. Some days, I feel like any physical pain is better than this emotional torment that drags me the 7th level of hell. On a daily basis, I want to just not exist anymore.
But then where would that leave my child? The Boy who relies on me not being a bitch of a yelling mother to him. It is enough that he has to occasionally deal with my outburst of mental instability. Even though those occurrence are VERY few, they do happen. Just last week, I lost it with him because I had told him, for the 5th time, to make his bed. Where did I find him? In front of that damned TV. I lost it. The result was broken Chima Lego sets and everything on the floor and me yelling “Clean it UP!” before I stormed out of his room and slamming the door.
I did return to apologize, help him and explain WHY I had reached that point. I’m done hearing myself nag. However, I still felt he needed an explanation and an apology, something I never received in the almost daily occurrence of my own mother’s bipolar mental outbreaks (but now I understand why as she had 3 kids to deal with and one was not even hers) which usually included a lot more than just broken toys on the floor. I’d be lucky if I walked away from those without a knot in my head or a bloody nose. Of course, I had a mouth on me and that didn’t help. But I digress…
I find it hard, lately, to find any hope in anything, to find any happiness in anything. I have lost my smile, my laugh and I surely miss them.
I simply exist. I go to work, pay my bills, feed my child, feed my cat and that is all. I no longer eat (I do not exaggerate, I would say I get about 900 calories a day simply because food offers no joy anymore, neither in taste or anything) and wouldn’t have any food in the fridge if it weren’t for feeding a constantly hungry boychild. I don’t sleep anymore, surviving on about 3-4 hours a night.
I’m tired of seeing the wicked of this world win…seeing people in relationships and using and/or abusing their significant others while I live a life of lonliness. A life completely void of any human touch or affection.
It is this void that feeds The Nothing. That void, which should be filled with love of another, is just a void and The Nothing ravishes this void with vigor. It consumes me and makes me feel soul-less.
It will probably pass. I will continue to go to work, feed my kid, do my exercise, pet my cat but I am a shell of a person just robotically swaying through the motions.
Inside, there just feels like nothing…
But hey, I did get a $25 AMC card for dressing up at work on Halloween. I get to see Thor this weekend…that is IF The Boy doesn’t complain because he doesn’t want to see it.