Ugh..just ugh. My last Weigh in post was here and it was a LONG time ago. October 28th, to be exact.
This will qualify as a “Weigh In” entry but it will also qualify as a “oops..let’s get back on this train” plea to myself. However, trying to stay on the bright side, this post is the first of all the weight loss posts I’ve been doing since May that is negative in the fact that I’ve gained weight back in the past 2 months.
I think one of the things I’ve come to HATE most about my eternal life of constant monitoring of food that goes in and exercise that goes out, is that the weight can ALWAYS come back and you better believe it will come back threefold.
I was hit with my first holiday season and tried very hard. During Thanksgiving, I tried to keep away from the carbs and do more protein. It kind of worked.
The first two weeks of December, I got the flu and my lower back went out forcing me to stop exercising. Just last week, I’ve been back to 3-4 times a week on the treadmill and lifting weights.
Last night, realizing that I’m back in my exercise routine and fully recovered from my lower back pain (kinda) and the flu, I got on the scale in the work out room. I was thrown back into reality. According to that scale, I have gained 4 lbs since the beginning of November.
I have just returned from the Medical Clinic that started me on this road back in May and yes, the weight gain is 4 lbs. I’ve adjusted my ticker to the right to reflect such and I will go from there. I have paid for another 10 weeks of appetite suppressants and vitamin injections at the clinic and will kick start this again. On the positive side, at least I’m starting at a much lower weight than 245 and puts me THAT much closer to my goal.
Upon reflection though, in the past, when I’ve come to this certain fork in the road when I see the weight creeping back and the food takes over, usually what happens is I give up. The weight returns and then about 40 more lbs follow it. That is how I reached 245 in the first place.
I looked at those numbers, realizing, it’s only FOUR lbs. However, over time, 4 can easily turn into 40. I will not allow this. I know me. If I allowed myself to get fat again, that would be the end of my mental state, my energy, my motherhood and life on many levels. I know me….gaining it back, would kill me on the inside and work it’s way out.
This weight loss has opened up my eyes to so many things and not just on the “looks” part of it or fitting into a size 8 for the first time in…well ever! My health is the best it’s been in years, my monthly visitor is MUCH more manageable (believe me, that in itself is enough to not falter. I dreaded Aunt Flo every month and the mess she always created).
The bottom line is…I will not let food win. I will not let the little peanut butter and chocolate squares sitting just inches from my desk right now, win. I have a divorce court date coming up in either February or March (more on THAT in another post) and I will NOT let my ex-husband or even my divorce attorney see a defeated and fat single mother.
Most importantly, God did NOT imbue in me the strength I’ve mustered since May to lose 60 lbs just to waste it away and gain it back. I’m tired of disappointed God and I’m sure He’s tired of it to. Sometimes, I feel it’s the only thing I can give back to Him since I tend to hold grudges on His choices on how my life is going BUT that is another post as well.
On the more selfish side, my sister has lost 10 lbs since she started at a medical clinic for weight loss and I CAN’T let her win! I mean that in healthy good competition. For the first time in years….I have the upper hand in our relationship and I’m winning. In the past, she always won everything from earning our parents love more to buying her own home and everything in between. In this, I WON…and it will stay that way. Besides, my weight loss encouraged her to start her own weight loss and she really needed it. I believe her mental state about herself was worse than me and what made it worse is that she held it all in and puts up so many wallsthat even I, her sister, can’t punch through them. Weight loss would benefit her even more than me.
For the first time, ever, in the battle of my fat that began when I was 12 years old….I AM IN FUCKING CONTROL.