I’m a little angry again…..here are some random thoughts for You to answer, please. If You choose to keep me floundering some more, so be it.
I will never understand that if Jesus died for my sins, why do the sins still hurt. Not physical pain, as I would take that over this but emotional loneliness. I do not wish to throw our Savior’s sacrifice back in His face. I would not dare be so blasphemous. But the pain in my heart, is unbearable. If my sins are forgiven, why is there still pain?
In church, a beautiful baby was sitting next to me with his two parents. For the first time, I wanted to scream out in pain. It hurt to realize that I will never have another baby again. I love The Boy but this urge or mid life crisis or my clock ticking for another baby, is getting harder to deal with. I was made to have babies but because I couldn’t find a decent man who wants the same, I will be deprived of more children.
I am mad.
In church, the Pastor says “Trust in God”. Ok, so I should trust that God is making me walk an uttrly lonely life for a reason? Doesn’t God want us to find love, have children, praise Him and have a home based on Him? God made me, knew me before I was born, and then said “she will suffer a life of loneliness and unfulfillment…and I will sit back and laugh.”
Or so it seems…
I would like to hope not.
But, I am mad
The Pastor says: “God knows you. Do you know God?” Well apparently I’m not good enough to know Him! Apparently, I’m not worthy enough for Him to send me someone to comfort me……wait for it…..UNCONDITIONALLY. Thats right people, love is and actually can be unconditional.
The Pastor says, “Real love cares”…and he says if you really love someone you will love them today, tomorrow and forever, during all times. Love is a choice not a feeling.
So, apparently there is NO ONE out there who will ever love me like that. The pain in the realization is horrifying….
The Pastor says “God says we need to give it to him”. Ok, God, then WHY did YOU give the loneliness to me?!!!? Answer me that, hmmm….?
So I just move on, day by day. Each day, lonelier than the next because no body wants me. No one will give me a chance.
It’s an awful realization that if I died tomorrow, not one person would care.