That is what I keep telling myself…’This is temporary…This is temporary”
It may seem that I left this blog by the wayside and perhaps I have.
In the weight department, I have been at a steady and maintained weight loss of 75lbs. Sometimes it goes up…then I bring it right back down. I am now conscious of when I start to gain a pound or two and make sure that it comes back down. As of right now…I’m up a bit but I will bring it right back down. I have been keeping exercise as a regular part of my routine at 3-4 times a week, 30 minutes on the elliptical or bike and weight lifting. I am pretty much carb free but sneak the occasional dinner roll or fry here and there. But 98% of my food choices do not include carbs in any form. I am going to finish up my last two weeks at the medical clinic and then I’m going to switch to another facility which is just around the corner from my office building and I can visit for my vitamin injections during my lunch hour. I want to start fresh at a new place, from my current weight. I still have about 30 pounds to lose although I may try and go as far as losing another 50 lbs bringing me down to about 120 lbs at 5 feet 4 inches height. I started this journey May 4, 2013 and will never look back. After a year, I will start fresh and these will be my new goals:
Height: 5 ft, 4 in
Current Weight: 178 lb (give or take)
Healthy weight range: 117-146 lb
Current BMI: 31
Healthy BMI range: 20-25
Work has not been so good. I am currently dealing with a boss who yells, argues and screams at me, on the phone, or to anyone he’s talking to. I’ve documented it with H.R. and that is all I can really do. He also burps all the time, farts in front of me (his office constantly smells like butt) and I literally have to leave the area when he eats lunch because he’s SO loud with his chomping and slurping that it makes me physically ill. I made the mistake once of walking into his office while he was eating lunch and let me just say, the spaghetti sauce was ALL over his mouth….all…over. And by the way, this is a 58 year old man. He is disgusting. My solution, since I need a paycheck and can’t quit, is to completely shut down any interaction with him. Basically, I avoid him at all costs. Communication is mostly through emails. It’s working out, for the most part.
But the worst was about 1 ½ months ago, when somehow, an un-authorized person snuck into the buildings and stole 3 wallets straight from purses sitting on cubicles. My wallet was one of them. I’m very disappointed in how my employer handled the situation. But I have to put up with all of this because eating is not an option. I will say it really takes its toll on me. The stress is beginning to affect my stomach. I’m pretty sure I have IBS but I need to go to my Dr. to get him to diagnose me but from what I’ve read, I’m sure that’s it. On my own, I’m starting probiotics and cutting back on the coffee…(*sorta* teehee). But my appetite and eating is pretty much null and void. I have no desire for food as I used to over a year ago. But that’s fine with me.
I have become mildly obsessed with Farmville 2: Country Escape. Yes, yes I have. I’m farming and harvesting and creating yummy foods such as cakes, pies and fish that sometimes just playing the game brings my appetite back! It’s funny. Anyway, look up firstname.lastname@example.org on Google Games and that would be me. It should be listed as one of my games that I’m getting achievements from.
I have officially given up on finding someone, a companion to walk with me and beside me for the rest of my life. After putting myself out there for a bit…the rejection, even after becoming physically attractive (or so I thought the weight loss would help) is unbearable. I was never one to react positively from rejection.
I’ve had a series of revelations. There was a time that I firmly believed that my over weight issue was what kept me unattractive and plain. I have since come to find out, it was never the weight. I will admit to being a “Plain Jane” and nothing that turns heads. Hell, I’ll be lucky if I can get another human being to even acknowledge that I exist. Beyond that, there is something about my personality that makes others turn away. I am not all alone for no reason. I should wear a sign that says “does not play well with others”. The weight is gone and still, I’m a nobody.
I barely exist to anyone. My son just sees me as a bank to make sure he has what he needs and a disciplinary who stops him from having “fun”. Although I firmly believe that I am the coolest mom on the planet. Just recently, he started becoming interested in Superman comics and we found a great Comic Book store near our apartment that I take him to (when he acts good) and I get him comics to his hearts desire. Now tell me, how many mothers will get down on their hands and knees digging through boxes of back issues of Superman comics in a local comic book store, to find the right Superman comic for their 10 year old son. We are not many, us cool moms. I love it though. I’ve always been a geek at heart.
I also visited just about every McDonald’s in the area JUST to get The Boy his last Mario Kart toys from there. They were the Happy Meal toys and he was only missing three. I found two out of the three he was missing. I couldn’t find Donkey Kong.
I will admit…I did get some of the Beanie Babies (the “Girl” toy) for myself…they were so cute!
But this all proves this theory: That kid…is my entire reason for existing…my entire…..reason.
My parents barely know I exist beyond giving them their most precious grandchild. I’m just waiting for my father’s impending progression of Alzheimer’s to finally kick in and he won’t know who I am, at all. Until then, he just can’t talk. But both my parents pretty much ignore me more now than they ever did. My younger sister….*sigh*…her and I are just not on the same page about morals and standards in life and are having serious personality conflicts. It really does break my heart but she is the most stubborn and unforgiving person I know. She also needs to think before she speaks just as a common human courtesy. I also think she resents me for my weight loss but that is just speculation. She is going down the path of physical self sabotage and gaining SO much weight and I worry for her health. She is pre-diabetic, has thyroid issues and back problems. She really needs to lose about 100 lbs, for health reason alone! I know that she holds some resentment towards me just by being in the same room with her because we’ve both been fat our whole lives. This journey is a lifetime change and she is all about the “3-day cleanse” diets. That doesn’t work for us. It’s a lifetime thing. My older sister, well I never had a real relationship with her as we didn’t grow up together. I have no friends and barely know a handful of relatives.
I tried the dating thing and it just didn’t work. There was always someone better than me or, as I’ve come to realize, most men, especially the so called “Christian” ones, are all liars. The amount of liars and hypocrites I’ve run into in the approximately 8 months I’ve tried dating is outstanding and absolutely incredible. Guys that say “I’m looking for a Christian woman, with standards and values……” then turn around and want to jump in the sack…uh…no….? Or you get the ones who really like that I’m a sports fanatic and would rather go to a good baseball or hockey event than shop for shoes, then drop me like I have leprosy to pursue someone who, surprise…..surprise, is eye candy for them to hang off their arm. Pathetic…. Men, are a lost cause, especially at this age. I’m done with them and their lies, arrogance and hypocrisy.
And after that evaluation, I really will be brutally honest and admit that for me, death cannot come fast enough.
Now let me explain that statement.
The Bible tells us that Christians will be with Jesus the instant they die.
In 2 Corinthians 5:8 the Apostle Paul even longed for death because he knew it would take him into the presence of Jesus. He said, “We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord. “
In Luke 23:43 Jesus tells the thief dying on the cross, “Verily I say unto thee, Today shalt thou be with Me in Paradise.”
I just want to be with Jesus, where there is no pain, physical or mental or emotional. This life is temporary and full of heartache and sorrow and sometimes, it’s a bit to much. But I do not condone murder, so when I say that, I mean that getting older only carries for me regret that I didn’t live my younger years with more wisdom. I sometimes feel I have nothing to teach my son yet, on the flip side, I have everything to teach him because of my mistakes that I learned from. I know that he alone, is the only reason I exist on this planet. Well him and the fear of the eternal consequences of murder (because, yes, suicide is murder and God gave us each our paths for a reason).
So please, no comments like “you need to seek counseling blah blah blah”. I’m not going to off myself. I just can’t wait to be in a happier place when this life walk is over. The end of this physical life in this physical skin will be such a welcome to me.
I used to blame God for my loneliness and be petrified of dying, but I can’t feel that way anymore. It was I who made my choices. The only “blame” that can go towards God is that He gave humans the ability to choose right from wrong. He only shows us the paths and we must choose to walk the proper one. I did not with the choices I made, out of rebellion and spite and now I suffer the consequences by dealing with loneliness and the harsh reality that for however many more years I have on this planet, they will be utterly and totally, alone.
So, in essence, since my last posts in here of our wonderful day trip to Hearst Castle to my constant battle with loneliness, it hasn’t gotten much better. There are good days and bad days. There are days when my family really get on my last nerve and I’m done with them. But for the most part, I spend most of my time with The Boy and just prepare myself for the day when he will jump on the bandwagon, and also reject me somewhere down the line. Then I will be utterly and truly alone and my battle between living and being patience for God’s time for Him to call me to His Kingdom, will truly begin.
Or, it might not end up that way because I have also learned that I am not the one making the path. I just follow what is right and how believe. I will enjoy my son and teach him the best I can. He starts school a week from Monday and will be entering the 5th grade. I’m taking him to a Dodger game on Sunday as a “End of the Summer” last fun thing to do and a night at a fun restaurant in Pasadena where you throw your peanut shells on the floor. I’ve already been to two Dodger games this summer, one with my sister and my kid and one with my sister, kid, and my parents and I think I just want to be with my kid now. Sometimes, they are all to much for me to handle and my patience is pushed to it’s limits.
But I constantly do question one thing about my faith. If Jesus died for us and forgave us, why do the sins of our past hurt us in our present? I guess I should talk to a pastor about that but I try to figure things out on my own.