As I reach the mid of my 40th year on this Earth, I realize that youth is no more. I could still feel those rare remnants of it in my late 20’s or maybe I just didn’t recognize that time was marching on because I was stuck in the drama that was my life. I did still feel it in my mid-thirties but that was due to weight loss. I’m fat again never to be thin like I was 3 years ago due to many different health reasons, so youth….is disappearing.
My body is failing me. I will soon be developing either degenerative disc disease or arthritis in my spine which pretty much keeps me from any of the weight lifting and hardcore cardio on the elliptical I did 3 years ago. My thyroid is shutting down causing said fatness and I feel like an ugly round butter bean. I was on such a high, 3 years ago. But the higher you climb, the harder you fall and psychically, I fell long and hard with no sight of getting back to where I was in sight
I only have memories, memories of a time where I could breathe, literally. Memories of when I could smile. I could smile even THROUGH the vast loneliness that consumed me, even while looking my best.
Youth is gone…..
I was just told by my mother a few days ago that the Frontal Temporal Disease my father of 64 had, is now full fledged Alzheimer’s. This is something that began developing when he was 57…..57! His brain, after a recent scan and compared to the last scan done 3 years ago, shows the signs of dark voids that most MRI scans of Alzheimer patients will show.
This both pisses me off and makes me sad. My father has done nothing but work and work and work to stay with my mother, to uphold her standards of living, to keep us, since I was a child 40 years ago. He didn’t divorce or leave her because he didn’t want to lose my sister and I as he lost his two children before from his previous marriage. Now I won’t claim to know all the reasoning behind his life with her. I only know what I see on the outside. And granted, his previous wife was a bitch from hell and took his kids (my older brother and sister) but that is neither here nor there.
His quality of life is no longer. His youth is most definitely gone. He can no longer speak or interact. He does not react well to being outside his room where he just sits and watches T.V. As of lately, it seems his brain can’t process small types of crisis such as, “I have the slight urge to go to the bathroom but I’m not dying” but his brain says “if I don’t go to the bathroom now, I’ll lose my mind and wail and scream“….the wailing and screaming he is starting to do more. That is very hard to see. My mother, is diving into a pool of depression and frustration that she really isn’t becoming a good caretaker and the burden falls on my sister and I, but mostly my sister, who is starting to lose her own mind. I sense that especially after a tear filled weeping conversation I had with her on the phone. That is abnormal because this is a person who NEVER shows emotion and when I mean never…I mean…I have NEVER seen her cry past maybe once or twice in her 35 years of life. The weight my mother puts on her/us and then how she repays us with ugly words and treating us like crap….I have little respect for her, very little. She gave me life….and that is the extent of the decency I will show her.
I sometimes wonder, if this is God’s cruel idea of a joke