Life is unpredictable and predictable

I remember back in the day (tag weight lost link)…I started at 245 lbs. Over the course of almost 2 years, I lost 70 of it.  That 70 has slowly and steadily been creeping back on.  It’s all about monitoring what goes in my mouth and SERIOUSLY not giving in to the shit that is out there.  And walking…walking walking…walking works for me.  Because of my back injury which I believe was due to 30 minutes on the Elliptical every day, I can not longer work out with weights nor on the Elliptical. So I walk.  That is all I can do.

But then that means I pretty much eat…well nothing.  I just can’t. As I get older my body is begging to process it’s shut down.  A cheeseburger from Jack in the Crack weighs me down for days and I mean days.  I’m doing more smoothies and a detox.  But other than that, there is really nothing more I can do.  My body is just….getting old. And it’s showing signs of wear and tear.  That can’t be helped.

But as of this morning, after years of up and down…I’m back up to 210lbs. I’m so tired of fighting genetics…so tired.


Life is messy….yet very clean


roller coaster

And on and on the roller coaster goes….

I realized that I needed to find SOMETHING that would move my frame of mind out of how my current job started off on the wrong foot back in March and get more positive.  It hit me.  They will pay for me to go back to college to finish my Psychology degree.

And they are…

boise-state-university-annual-family-holiday-conce-45So, within weeks I had my Boise State University application filled out turned in and all paperwork needed for the tuition waiver turned in. I was accepted as were my credits from the Community College I got my A.A. from back in California and graduated from in 2001.  I went to transfer student orientation last Friday and I start my 2 paid for classes in a week.

Being that I am working full time I will not be able to take a full schedule each semester but if I did, I would be closer to a Psych BS than I thought and would have been done in a year. But I work, which means only 2 classes or less per semester but that is going to work out fine because my employer only pays for 9 credits a semester anyway.  The road is a bit longer but it is drive-able.

I am excited. Mostly, because after many years of giving all of myself to others, after many years of suppressing my personality and what I enjoy and me being the one who has to do the changes, but more specifically of giving myself to being a mother, I am doing something for ME.  So as long as I stay with this employer, which I see happening, this will get done. UvpC1jt

And I love school. I always have. I love library’s and studying instruments. I’ve always been a “book” person.  I love getting organized for classes.  I prefer to actually going to a classroom setting but again, because of my schedule, it’s online classes for me….at least for now.  Until The Boy gets old enough to really be by himself, which is probably now, I just still have to test him.  He is 13 1/2 anyway….

Now I walk the long road that is tests and books.

Seeing the future….it looks sad.

I’m coming to realize that my mother, has some SERIOUS mental issues.  Not schizophrenic or hearing voices.  She has some serious, beyond normal separation anxiety issues.  I have believed for years that she has Borderline Personality Disorder.

The most recent occurrence comes to mind. My son is 13, and will be going to a summer camp where I will be dropping him off in the morning and picking him up in the afternoon after work.  She will no long be doing that task which is what she’s been doing since about mid-March, dropped him off at school and picked him up from school.

I swear, the way she reacts to this, one would think that my son DIED.  She gets really upset when she realizes that we don’t need her all the time anymore.  Like I mentioned above, severe separation anxiety issues. When she a gets in this mode, she begins to throw around fals accusations.  She actually accused my son of saying he no longer wanted to be around him or my ailing father. I was shocked and was like “WHAT?” Turns out, when I actually got away from texting her (because through a text is the easiest way for her to lie and it’s her #1 source of communication when she doesn’t want me to force her to see the truth) and dialed her on the phone to get this info….surprise….surprise, the back peddling begins. No, he never said that.  That is just the way she feels.  That was a heavy accusation but I can expect nothing less from someone who is emotional unstable.  I never know what I’m walking into when I go to see her.

But I know that the looming gloom of the future days for her has got to be overwhelming.  Her “Golden Years” will not be filled with RV trips and 20 grand kids playing swings in her back yard.  Her days are going to be filled with loneliness and pain.  They will be filled with taking care of someone who used to be her soulmate and still is but no longer has the mind to communicate.

The pity I feel is for her, realizing this is her life, is what helps me get through her unstable moods and horrible words….for instance……

…..nothing like being told that I’m just WAITING for her and my beloved Dementia riddled father to die so I can live in their house and get an inheritance.  That one will never cease to sting, each time I think of it….

And that was just the most recent.  Being her daughter has meant a lifetime of put downs, and insults. As of now, little things are said daily, to me, about me, about my son.  How I’m failing in everything.  Over the years, those I really have learned to shake off, get up, say my goodbyes and state that we will try again another day.  But it never changes.  She just continues to spit out her venon in the form of insults, whether they are true or far fetched.

And never an apology….but OH God forbid my sister or I say anything remotely unkind to her…all hell breaks loose and she’s the properly placed victim.

But that is what makes me sad the most.  She has turned into someone that I only tolerate because she gave me life. Other than that, I offer no more of myself.  I just can’t get past her abrasive, cold attitude.  She doesn’t appreciate what my sister and I have done for her, helped her.  She is just wrapped up in her own world where it’s all about her, all the time. Anything else happens that doesn’t involve her (i.e. I take a small car trip with my son without her…..I get the “guilt trip, I’m stuck here alone with your father” act).

I wonder….I wonder if some day I can look at her and actually tell her how HARD she made it to even slightly love her.

But what I wonder most….is would she even care.

Dentist….that is all this title needs to say

In about an hour, I will be sitting in a dentist chair.  I am utterly petrified.

thI haven’t been to the dentist in 3 ½ years. I am ashamed to admit that but the last time was a horrible experience from a dentist in S. California that might as well have been in a back alley of a Mexico back street. They mutilated my mouth and did a horrible job.

I haven’t been since.

So, I finally got good dental insurance and 3 years is a long time to not have gone to the dentist although I do take care of my mouth. I was referred to a dentist and told they are super nice and caring but honestly, it’s not the dentist nor the assistant I’m afraid of. It’s those horrible tools. ALL metal they are….all metal…and all metal in my mouth, turns into a bedrock of pain and shocking agony.

I’m just getting a cleaning but I’ll be shaking the whole time.

I don’t want to be seen with my MOM….

So, it’s time for a Tarantino’d entry.

“I don’t want to be seen with my MOM….”

What made The Boy say the above?

Let’s go back…Let’s go back….

Since moving to this quaint little town in Idaho, we have been having trouble finding things to do. *Surprise, surprise*  So upon passing the local outdoor mall in our town, I mentioned to The Boy that we hadn’t been to that mall in a while.  The conversation goes like this:4608502

Me: “we haven’t been there in a while”

The Boy: “a lot of people I know from school go there”

Me: “well then you might run into some friends….?”

The Boy: “I can’t go with you. I can’t run into them and be seen with my MOM” 


I had nothing…..absolutely nothing in the form of a retort or witty comeback. I was just a mixture of hurt, amusement and yet I understood what he was saying and what he was meaning for I, at one point in my life, felt the same way to.

After the initial shell shock, I realized it was nothing personal.  The Boy just can’t be seen with his old, dilapidated and fat mom, apparently.

Fine! Are you 18 yet so you can get out of my house and stop eating my food and I can finally have a life of my own!64426295.jpgI kid of course….I love that boy to pieces!

Hello! And how are you? How was your weekend?

“Hello! And how are you? How was your weekend?”

Ah, to be a human out in the world of other humans.  How many times have we been asked this question and in response, smiled and said something along the lines of “I’m doing great and my weekend was fantastic!”?

In reality, you are in physical pain constantly because your lower back feels like it’s barely being held together by string, you deal with migraines just about every week, the fat keeps piling on no matter how much you move or how much you don’t eat and it weighs you down and you have an emotionally draining mother who demands attention whenever you are with her and her “it’s all about MY problems” look on life in tie with an ailing father who doesn’t communicate or interact at all.  This piled up on top of your own worries of trying to keep a household on a pay that doesn’t fit the economy (thanks to moving to a state that is 50 years behind the USA cost of living) and trying to keep a stable relationship with a 13 year old son who is starting to just want to have nothing to do with you…but sure wants your money. greatthanks
I guess that would be a lot longer to say in response to a short inpersonal question.  Oh and I’m pretty sure that the person asking, really doesn’t genuinely care how you are REALLY doing.

The truth is, some people are WAY to perky and LAUGH way to much.  I want to turn to them and say,

Look! Not all of us have a hard working spouse, two incomes and wonderful little perfect children.  Some people, and by some people I mean ME, have to sometimes choose between food and gas just to stay afloat. So constantly ranting about your all of the above to me, pretty much makes me want to punch a baby. Knock it off…I don’t care!

But that would be mean and un-sociable.

So I smile and nod and say the socially accepted phrases such as “oh isn’t that great” or “oh so cute

But really…..




Do I even exist?

I’m finding it hard to get anybody to pay attention to me lately? I feel like that photo in Back to the Future where Marty’s siblings are disappearing slowly.  That is me. I’m slowly just not existing.


I can’t get any affection out of my kid anymore since he’s an oh so big teen now……yeah.

I haven’t felt the love of a man since….well I could say since my marriage ended in 2004 but that man didn’t really love me so technically, never. I’ve never felt love returned to me.

Just the other day, I told a co-worker, after she suggested to me I take “friends” up to a place here, that I didn’t have any friends.  I swear, the look she gave me was both terrified and amused.  “How could one not have one single friend“, I’m sure is what she thought in her mind.  Well, come shake my hand, that would be me. My mother sucks up all the energy I have and it’s enough that I try and go on outtings with my son, without including her and have to hear the “whoa is me, I can’t do anything becuase I can’t take your father anywhere”. It’s enough my own son takes me “away” from her…I can’t imagine what grief she’d give me if a lesser important person did such.  So, I just accept not having one friend.

Days meld into each other as I see my son growing and moving farther from me.  The inevitable is soon upon me….

I will soon be non-existent to anyone except the cats when I become the Cat Lady.


Time is a cruel thing

As I reach the mid of my 40th year on this Earth, I realize that youth is no more.  I could still feel those rare remnants of it in my late 20’s or maybe I just didn’t recognize that time was marching on because I was stuck in the drama that was my life.  I did still feel it in my mid-thirties but that was due to weight loss.  I’m fat again never to be thin like I was 3 years ago due to many different health reasons, so youth….is disappearing.

20120422-142821My body is failing me.  I will soon be developing either degenerative disc disease or arthritis in my spine which pretty much keeps me from any of the weight lifting and hardcore cardio on the elliptical I did 3 years ago.  My thyroid is shutting down causing said fatness and I feel like an ugly round butter bean.  I was on such a high, 3 years ago. But the higher you climb, the harder you fall and psychically, I fell long and hard with no sight of getting back to where I was in sight

I only have memories, memories of a time where I could breathe, literally.  Memories of when I could smile.  I could smile even THROUGH the vast loneliness that consumed me, even while looking my best.

Youth is gone…..

I was just told by my mother a few days ago that the Frontal Temporal Disease my father of 64 had, is now full fledged Alzheimer’s.  This is something that began developing when he was 57…..57!   His brain, after a recent scan and compared to the last scan done 3 years ago, shows the signs of dark voids that most MRI scans of Alzheimer patients will show.


Not the actual scan but this is a good comparison

This both pisses me off and makes me sad.  My father has done nothing but work and work and work to stay with my mother, to uphold her standards of living, to keep us, since I was a child 40 years ago.  He didn’t divorce or leave her because he didn’t want to lose my sister and I as he lost his two children before from his previous marriage. Now I won’t claim to know all the reasoning behind his life with her. I only know what I see on the outside. And granted, his previous wife was a bitch from hell and took his kids (my older brother and sister) but that is neither here nor there.

His quality of life is no longer.  His youth is most definitely gone.  He can no longer speak or interact.  He does not react well to being outside his room where he just sits and watches T.V.  As of lately, it seems his brain can’t process small types of crisis such as, “I have the slight urge to go to the bathroom but I’m not dying” but his brain says “if I don’t go to the bathroom now, I’ll lose my mind and wail and scream“….the wailing and screaming he is starting to do more. That is very hard to see.  My mother, is diving into a pool of depression and frustration that she really isn’t becoming a good caretaker and the burden falls on my sister and I, but mostly my sister, who is starting to lose her own mind.  I sense that especially after a tear filled weeping conversation I had with her on the phone.  That is abnormal because this is a person who NEVER shows emotion and when I mean never…I mean…I have NEVER seen her cry past maybe once or twice in her 35 years of life.  The weight my mother puts on her/us and then how she repays us with ugly words and treating us like crap….I have little respect for her, very little.  She gave me life….and that is the extent of the decency I will show her.

I sometimes wonder, if this is God’s cruel idea of a joke

Just waiting to see Elsa around the corner!

I truly believe that I have never seen this must snow ever in my entire life.  Now, I’ve been around snow.  S. California does have mountains that can get pretty packed with the white stuff.  But I have never experienced it to this capacity.

I got stuck in front of my sister’s house last night. My car wouldn’t budge.  We shoveled the snow around the wheels.  We broke ice underneath the wheels.  We even used something my mother got from HSN that you put under the tire and it gives the traction.  That didn’t work either, surprise surprise.  After about an hour of digging and shoveling and running my tires into the ground (so it felt), I finally got out of the snow embankment on her curb with the help of my sister and 12 year old son pushing my car from behind, to give it momentum…..only to get stuck 20 feet further.  Wash….rinse and repeat.

Apparently, the County we live in, here in Idaho, doesn’t plow the residential streets.  But from what I’m hearing, this area hasn’t received almost 10 inches of snow in a few days since 1985!  So neighborhood streets are pretty much undriveable.  Everyone is getting stuck.

Yeah, that is a big “Welcome to Idaho” for me. My first winter really has me wanting to just sit in my apartment and binge watch every show out there.  I don’t even want to go to work.

But it is still very beautiful…IF I’m inside staring at it from through a window!


But on a much cooler note (pun is absolutely intended)…I won 2nd place at my apartments’ Xmas decorating contest….$100!  That was really an unexpected surprise.  I tend to be very competitive and I was kind of obsessing about winning this contest.



Hey! What’s all that white stuff!

Even though I am a bit white knuckled on my drive to and from work…this snow really gives me joy.  The Boy and I have made snowmen together and played in the piled up snow in our apartment complex’s courtyard.

Later tonight, I will be getting judged at my apartment complex for my balcony Xmas lights.  The snow will look lovely against them.


I’ll get a better picture later but roll call….Ralph the Dinosaur on the left, a real snowmen with the Matterhorn Yeti hat in the middle and Dolby the Dachshund on the right.  1st prize is $150 but some of the apartments look really good. I won’t win but it was fun.


This is a closer look at the Snowman with the Yeti hat but he has since melted. I’m hoping to be able to have time to make another before judging.

Happy Birth…aw shut the f*&% up!

54174145Today is my birthday but really, I could care less.  Later today, I will be forced to stand in front of a cake while my co-workers sing Happy Birthday.  I want to do what I have done at all my other jobs and that is completely skip this day, as far as cake and singing goes.  But these people won’t allow that.  I’m not mad really.  I just wished this day would go by without recognition.  For the most part it does. I don’t have my birthday set on my Facebook so I don’t get those millions of “happy birthday from the person who you don’t even know in real life!” on my Facebook feed.67017502

The truth is, I’ve never acknowledged this day since about 15 years ago because my whole  life I’ve never been acknowledged or noticed by anyone anyway.  As of lately, I can’t even have a conversation with my mother and/or sister not just because I really only tolerate them and their constant negativity but because they really don’t allow others to speak in the conversation. It’s nothing but talking over everyone else and interrupting.  It becomes a narcissistic type of conversation where what THEY have to say is the only thing that matters.  It is actually quite rude and I’m sick of it.  So I sit there and just listen with tons to say but no way to jump in fast enough to say it.

And don’t think that just because my birthday is the same month as Christmas I get double the gifts.  That has never happened for the following reasons:

  1. I grew up in a cult that didn’t even celebrate Christmas and;
  2. When I was finally out of the cult and celebrated Christmas it was believed that a birthday gift AND a Christmas gift could be combined. Hence, I get 1 gift for the price of two occasions…..

imageYeah…a combination of cheap family and never getting noticed anyway.  So who really cares if I’m one year closer to my death.

I’m 40 by the way…just more lemon juice in the gaping hole that is my soul.

Good Morning….Insect of DEATH

I would like to press the “restart” button on this day.

I left my candle lit last night, out on my balcony.  I guess this attracts insects of the worse kind when they are rogue and lost and alone in the cold.


Not the actual culprit but this does accurately depict the actual size….yes, not joking

It welcomed a one inch Yellow Jacket onto my balcony back door.  So, when I went out this morning to blow out the candle, unbeknownst to me, it flew in through the open door behind me.  I did not see it until about 10 minutes later when I saw this HUGE thing with legs on my wall. As I inched closer, thinking it was one of the gargantuan flies that live in this state, I noticed the yellow stripes and antenna.

There it was. A Yellow Jacket.  I backed away slowly, about to run, then realizing, uh this bastard was in MY house…I don’t run!  This does not imply that I wasn’t scared out of my wits.

I announced to The Boy there was a Yellow Jacket in my room and to keep the cat out because the dumb cat would get in my way of killing it thinking it was a play toy and get himself stung!  And that is all I would need!  A wounded cat and a crying kid.  The Boy closed his door and refused to come out until I could present the Death Certificate of this monster.

*Sigh* I resigned to being late to work..

So I stopped my morning routine and attempted to kill this beast.  I grabbed the big 3 inch thick Bible I found at an Estate Sale and was determined to show this thing the Word of God.

With my Bible in hand, it took me 10 minutes just to approach it and it logo_bamsmackpow-comkept moving around my room and landing in awkward places.  But finally I hit it!!!

The insect fell as did the 3 inch Bible I hit it with and both landed behind my nightstand! So, I spent another 20 minutes dissecting the area but did find it, dead and lifeless, directly below where I hit it.  It matched the carpet to perfection which made it hard to see.

God-damn it.

So, it was dead and I was able to confirm to The Boy, said death, with a corpse and documentation.


I wasn’t about to pick it up with a tissue like it was a fly.  It had a stinger and could still have been playing dead.  Instead, I grabbed the vacuum and sucked that bastard up.

Crunch….crunch….crunch, it went and was gone.  Now, I was about 30 minutes late into starting my day but I didn’t care.  There was no way I was going to leave a Yellow Jacket, dead or alive, in my house.  It must die and die it did.

But he really must have been lost because there are no insects of that kind roaming around this time of year when it’s really cold.  He was doomed to die.

Frost…..bring on the Frost

My kid cracks me up sometimes.  As I was pulling out of my carport this morning, we both noticed at precisely the same time that my back window was outlined in pretty sparkling white frost just twinkling in the sunlight.  This was not surprising since it was about 25 degrees last night. (please remember…I’m from Sunny California where at this time of the year, it’s 70 degrees.)

We both announced our observation at the same time.

Sometimes, I adore how that kid and I are so closely connected especially mentally.  Probably more so than either of us realize.  Maybe that is why we frustrate each other a lot and argue a lot with each other but honestly, I don’t mind.  I just want to ensurethereporter-frostoncarwindow that I have a much different relationship with my child than I do with my own mother, no matter which direction of different it goes.

Because if he feels in ANY way the way I do about my mother, I’ve failed.

But regardless, Winter is Coming…..and we both can’t wait!

You are beautiful

No, maybe you are not.

Maybe there is just something so ugly about you that everyone around you is enjoying the company of others while you drown alone in a sea of black.

I was just told by my boss, who is going through a nasty divorce anhump-day-inspiration-100813-04d who is not even a year separated, has a girlfriend. He volunteered this information to me as it really isn’t my direct business but he’s a sharer.  This is a man 8 years older than me and just fresh from a divorce.

Apparently, I’m an Elephant Beast.

I left my job for the day in tears off to a weekend of loneliness.  It’s been 15 years almost to the day since my divorce and I haven’t even had so much as a glance from anyone of the opposite sex.  Just random hook ups which is not the same.  Even when I lost 70 lbs….I was nothing to anyone.

So why the title?

Well, it’s simple. That phrase is something I have never, nor will ever hear anyone tell me in my entire life.

Because I’m not as the title suggest. I’m just….The Nothing.

License Plates…check


No…no….I’m a nice California driver…really!!!

I actually got my Idaho plates on my car a few weeks ago. But the mentality of not feeling like a target didn’t go away. I still feel like everyone is looking at me, the Californian invading their lovely Idaho lands.

But I’m sure I’ll get over it. I just need to stop cutting off people on the freeways…. I’m just kidding! I don’t do that! But I will offer a gift of the finger if I get cut off and I will neither confirm nor deny…. that I already have!

Next and final stop in solidifying my Idahoan citizenship….my driver’s license. This entails re-taking a written driving test…monkey balls….*sigh*

Look at the roof!!

Yes, let’s have a look at them.  I did. I looked up as The Boy yelled this to me while we were driving out of our apartment complex.  I’m thinking “oh my gosh…what is on the roof? A strange looking bird or a stuck cat???

Nope…it’s just frost…frost that could possible double as a thin layer of frosty snow on the roof tops.

So my California born kid was excited.

I tried to explain what my brain can’t process…

I had my sister over this past Saturday evening and the below commercial came on……

I laughed because the expression the father has as he goes to sit down then bounces right back up when he sees his son just did the stupidest thing ever……that expression can’t be explained in words.

I tried to explain this to my single, non-parent sister of age 35.  It wasn’t going to happen.  I just thank God it didn’t end in an argument which is usually how any conversations in current our relationship always seems to go lately.

I then found a great blog here and read this essay and I realized it would never be understood by those who weren’t playing the part.  I explained to my sister that the fathers’ expression and reaction was spot on by using the analogy of a skin cut.

Say you get a cut or a piece of your flesh ripped off. (Morbid I know but stay with me).  For the milli-second you feel nothing but see that your flesh is torn.  Then, the pain comes and in that milli-second where you felt nothing you do anticipate the pain coming but your brain can’t really process what you are looking at and what your are to expect.  It’s a mixture of brain overload.

That is this commercial.  I put myself in the shoes of these parents.  When the kid initially pulls out the table setting my brain would go…”NO!” then a full meal is on the floor. As he gets up and the mother stands there, staring, the brain is processing what the HELL just happened. Then in the next second you have a choice on how to react.

Now the commercial stops at the problem being solved by just ordering Domino’s. But it wouldn’t stop there for me.

I think I would lose all my shit on that kid.

And then I would feel like a shit afterwards.

But it is moments like this that the entry in the blog I referred to above relates to.  Moments like this actually have pushed my utter sanity to the very edge.  Moments like telling my kid who has a functioning brain for the 100th time to talk to his teacher about missing assignments.  Moments like hearing him argue with me back and forth like he’s about to win the O.J. Simpson case of a lifetime!

Then, I breathe.  Sometimes, I walk into my room, announce to him I’m closing the door to change and then sit on the lovely Paris bench at the foot of my bed and cry.  I cry like I’m about to swim in my own tears.  There is nothing more I can do.  I have gotten to the yelling point but it only makes me look like a woman gone mad.  So I walk away…and cry.  Which is what I’m sure that father who was one moment about to sit down to a nice family turkey meal would have done, had the commercial continue on.

This is something I try to explain to my single, non-parent sister of age 35 but it doesn’t get across.  I just get the look of confusion and judgement that….that one could not explain what they are feeling.  I believe even if she did have kids, those children would have been suppressed in so many ways since she is a type to not conform to life situation.

But then again, these are all assumptions. What do I know?



I don’t smile anymore…

I don’t smile anymore…not that I ever really did much of that in my lonely life.

There is no need.  There is nothing to smile about. Nothing to have hope for. I go to work, go home, deal with a kid who has the motivation of a soft boiled egg, play a wizard kiddie game on my computer, go to bed, rinse and repeat.  Nothing.

I’m getting old.  My body is failing me, slowly.  I can feel it.  It’s becoming harder to breathe, it’s becoming harder to move and with no adult human interaction in my life (and I mean that LITERALLY) or any laughter or joy of any kind, it’s becoming harder to just plain live through a day.

I gave up my whole life to be born to the woman I was born to and deal with her other daughter and I’m to tired for their loud drama.  I just want to tell them to shut up, I don’t care.

I gave up my adult life to raise a kid, by myself,while his father went to have a party.  And now said kid is turning out to be everything I can’t stand in a person.  He is like his father in so many way despite not even knowing him for a moment in his whole life.  He can be emotionless, caring for no one’s feelings.  Just dead inside to any drop of humanity.  It’s disgusting.

I fight back crying uncontrollably every waking moment of my existence and I’m ready for it to end.

Most Beautiful Sunsets and Sunrises

I swear I have never seen such colorful and beautiful dusks and dawns.

First, was my morning where I just popped up at 5am and decided on coffee on my balcony, watching the sun rise.

Then a friend living just north of me, closer to the Oregon border, sent me this pic last night….



I am in awe of all this fresh air, the changing of colors on trees and beautiful skies.  I must remember to break out my Canon SLR and start shooting again. I miss doing my photography.

Ok, so you will be on 525 calories a day….

I started this blog back in 2013 when I started a long and endless journey of weight loss. I chose the medical route but not surgery.  I got vitamin injections and medication.  I also cut out carbs completely and stopped fast food entirely.  It worked and over the span of a little over a year, I lost 70 lbs.  Spring of 2014 was the biggest highlight of this journey.  I was in a size 8, I was happy and even took a fun trip with my son to Hearst Castle.  We had an awesome and memorable time that even he still reminisces about.


This is no joke at all and not far from the truth.

But as they say, when you rise high, you fall far.  And I did.  I do realize that this is a lifetime thing, being conscious of weight and what is going in my mouth but really sometimes it seems so exhausting.  I do firmly believe that thin women, who don’t have the natural genetic ability of a super fast metabolism, literally eat nothing.

I will be 40 years old in exactly two months (shit….) and I’ve gained 43 pounds of the initial 70 I lost.  The feeling that comes with those pounds is utter devastation and just plain feeling sick, sluggish and tired.  It can’t really be described.  My stomach is bloated and everything feels puffy even down to my toes and ankles.  Even my fingers look like little wrinkled sausages.  It literally feels like I was ripped apart and put back together wrong.

Now that I have finalized my move here to Idaho and I am getting settled in my apartment, staying on top of my kid and his schooling, settling into my job and finances, I decided to do something about this.  I started a Super Colon Cleanse and an Antioxidant Detox as well, to just flush shit out…literally.

I also visited a clinic not to different than the first clinic I started this journey at.  They give the vitamin shots which is a cocktail mixture of B-12, B-6, Folic Acid, B Complex, and Vitamin C.  They also offer the appetite suppressants but they also offered something else ….HCG.  I hear they work but have to be careful when they get stopped which is after about 3 months of a weekly shot.  The weight can climb back on quickly.  I tried it for about a month when I first arrived here in June and they worked.  I want to start the program fresh again and finish it out.tumblr_inline_na05welx6q1qdr3t3

Honestly, I just want to de-bloat and get rid of this general feeling of being disconnected from my own body.  Everything fits me tight and I’m walking around feeling like a stuffed sausage, with glubs of fat rolling out of my clothes.  Speaking of clothes…I have none that fit right so I’m sure I look ridiculous at work.  It really does disgust me.

I can’t go back to the workout routine I had before which consisted of 30 minutes on the elliptical and 20 minutes of weight lighting done 4-5 days a week.  My herniated disc injury and low back weakness won’t allow for that.   I can barely do Power Walking a bit uphill on a treadmill.  I’m going to try and fit in 20 minutes on the Elliptical 2 times a week.  But if I do anymore, my body begins to hurt.

But if my output is going to be greatly reduced, then that means my input must also do that same.

SO we get to the title of this entry.  At my initial visit to the clinic yesterday, I was told exactly that. “Your daily calorie intake will be 525”


That has to be the lowest I’ve ever been told to intake!!  She explained it was because the HCG shots do something with the fat cells or something like that. I should probably research before I dive in but I’ll be fine.  I know my body and I know what works and what doesn’t.

She did give me a grocery list that would embrace this 525 calorie a day diet (still reading that blows my mind….).  It’s a lot of fruit, oatmeal, yogurt and water water water and just a bit more water.  I’m going to break out my Nutribullet again and start my smoothies with a bit of Whey protein in them along with the fruit.

So the conclusion is this.  In my world, to not be fat, I must intake nothing of substance.  I must move everyday (I can deal with that).  I must also become obsessed about food and what goes down my gullet.

Fun times….


Yup, that is all I heard being yelled at my son’s Cross Country Meet that he could attend but not participate in because of his grades.  Not only is this school no joke about grades and athletics (California schools can all go suck it) but they are really on top of it and strict about performance.image

The Boy had his first Life Lesson on learning about the consequences of being a slacker.

While he was still forced to ATTEND the meet….it was noticed by all, teammates and parents alike, that he was standing on the side lines. Hence….the title is all I heard.

“Yes…thank you for shouting that across the field little teammate…maybe you can shout it a bit louder??”

So then I wonder….why was I the one who was absolutely mortified to be his mother.  I wanted to crawl under a rock and not be associated with this loser of a kid. It was probably the first time I was utterly embarrassed to have him as a son. I’m sure it won’t be the last time.

However, all that changed because I will say that since then, he has missed three meets and by that I mean, he is at them, he just can’t participate. But today is the final meet and he actually brought his grades up enough to be able to participate. He brought one grade of a D up to a B+!!!  And all D’s are at C’s.  It’s just  Math that was in the F range for a while….but I’m working on that with him.  But still….I say that’s pretty awesome!


So, he had to hang his head in the Cone of Shame for a while, as did I, by default,  but he roughed it out and got his shit together. That is what life is all about, right?

Driving in Idaho

I have found it very hard to take off my “must be ready for any asshole on the road” hat since I have been living in Idaho as opposed to poo-poo California.  People drive REALLY slow here.  I feel like no one here is in a rush to pick up a kid, get to work on time or make some appointment.  It’s this attitude of “if I get there, I get there….” that I so desperately want to embrace, but can’t.


Yes, this really is ANY time of the day in L.A.

 As much as I want to, I cannot get my mind wrapped around that attitude.  I’ve lived and been around to much of what you see in the picture to the right.  Every single person in every single one of those cars pictures is an A-1 prick with a 3+ ton killing machine in their hands.

But here….here, I get stuck staring at the butt of a Dodge 2 rear wheeler 4×4  with “” on it’s side and going 20 miles an hour on the freeway and I really can’t help but laugh.  And so I do, I laugh and say “if I get there I get there.”

Early morning in Idaho

Something woke me up at 5am, an un-Godly hour for me. I laid in bed staring at the wall for 30 minutes then decided on coffee.

As I was making it desired coffee, I realized this was my first early Idaho morning. I sat on the balcony in 50 degrees and my senses were telling me that this was a different morning cold that California.  The air is fresh, clean.  The sky is otherworldly.  It’s still dark but the it is a radiant navy blue to my right and turning lavender as the sun rises to my left. And I’m thinking this is why I’m alive.

And even as I finish this post, the sky grows a lighter purple, the stars disappear and my heart gets heavy again, realizing I’m sharing this with no one.

God did not intend humans to be alone but apparently He intended that for me.

To watch someone fight his love for me….

fighting20with20love20-20small20logoIt is exactly as it says.  I can literally see him struggle with the fact that he is fully in love with me in his heart and mind, yet denies it on the outside.  He is cold, distant, throws my girly emotional “I miss you’s” back in my face.

But there are little things he does, things he says. Actions that tell me, in his heart he feels he must stay in touch

But the last I spoke to him was  5 days ago, when his cold reactions to my love was the last straw.  I understand on the outside, someone may think this looks like I’m seeing something that isn’t there but really, that isn’t the case.  Something in my heart….in my soul tells me he fights his love for me.  He is battling his own World War 3 in his own heart and soul.

Ultimately, it makes me sad.  If he would just give into what he feels for me, we could actually, possibly throw away our horrible past and create a new future.  We could be parents to our son.  We could love each other as a family.

But he won’t, or maybe he can’t , or maybe he just doesn’t want to.  Whatever the case, I’m tired of being tossed around by his emotional resistance and 5 days ago I said just this….

“You have broken my heart for the last fucking time, you asshole….”

And I was done.

Cats have feeling to…


And apparently, mine does, but he did have a reason.

I’ve been in my new apartment for just under a month now.  My cat has taken to meowing for long periods of time at night.  His demeanor has changed slightly since his living arrangements have changed a bit.  He went from a big apartment to run around to being locked into one solitary room for 6 months straight.


Uh, maybe cuz he’s a LITTLE BITCH!

But just last night, he was yet again, walking around, meowing at the wind, when I realized what was happening.  I now see that he meows in middle of night at all the other cats roaming the apartment complex because apparently, there is an array of them.  I heard one last night…from across the complex.  Now, it could have been meowing from the window of it’s home, I could care less but this little fucker was loud!

And there sat my Cat, meowing in the direction of his whining girlfriend.

Goddamn CAT, I love him!

Do what you love….

Dutch Bros

Do what I love? Do you really want me TO???

Today, my Dutch Bros. Coffee told me to “Do What you love…”

Well I love having sex!  Does that count?  I wished I could do that all day!  Or maybe it should say something along the lines of “Do what you love but make sure that you won’t get arrested for indecent exposure…”  That would probably be a more specific statement for my coffee to tell me.

By the way, Dutch Bros is the best #1 coffee on the planet. I gave up renewing my Gold Membership to Starbucks for filled up stamp cards to Dutch Bros. Yes that’s right…I turned my back on Starbucks.  Well, I do go still but definitely not as much. Besides, there is only like ONE Starbucks in the city I live in!  Well, two if you count the one in the Fred Meyers.  I love the Fred Meyers to!  I just love it here…PERIOD!

Let’s Break those Eggshells

I was just recently told by my ex-husband, who I have reconnected with, that he feels he has to walk on egg shells with me.  My mother has also told me this, as has my sister.  I have no feggriends but I’m sure they would feel the same way to.

Is this because I could explode at things said to me?  Maybe.  Or is it because people are just plain jerks with what they say or do that they all set me off?

How has it come that everyone decides to fall back on the “I walk around on egg shells with you” and “you have the problem, not me” instead of not admitting that they are just plain asshats.  I’m the nice one here.  I only bite when barked at.  I know of people who wake up in the morning ready for a fight, not caring who they tick off or if others around them live or die.  I believe I share blood with some.  I also share blood with those who don’t seem to have one ounce of common sense or human nature decency in their body.  I swear I don’t belong in this family.

I belong free.  I want to BE free.  I want to enjoy my son for Christ’s sake!  Without the “you are the worst mother in the world because you let your son WALK home from school and be home for 1 hour because YOU have to work!”

And yes….that is what I’m told…

Where are those metaphorical egg shells now, huh ma?

Oh and yes….still do not get along with that women…finally realized…I never will…ever.  She is everything I do not want to be in a mother.  She is everything that I try not to be, in a mother. That says enough.

So, please all…continue to walk on those eggshells.  Ask me if I give two fucks about it!

I am now an Idaho-ian


I am now in Idaho, have been here for 3 months now.  Found a job 3 weeks after being here.  I found an apartment 2 months after being here. I found a lover last week!  But that will be kept hush hush for now.

I love it here. So pretty. So green. Oh and the people don’t crowd you, cuss you out if you look at them wrong or try to kill you on the roads. I hate everything about California and I’m glad I took my son from there.

The only down fall is if there is a fire of any kind.  Boise and the surrounding cities are in this bowl of mountains.  The smoke really gets stuck down below.  I leave my windows open at night and the night before last, I woke up to the smell of a bonfire.  Apparently, a wood packing plant or something was on fire.  So it basically WAS a big bonfire.

But nonetheless, this was the best move I could have ever made and my only regret is not doing it soon, for my boy’s sake at the very least.  He likes his new school, making friends and not one complaint about a teach yet!

That is what matters.

And Life Goes On…and On…and SQUIRREL!


It has been a year since my visit to Painville. I still have horrible memories and even nightmares of the pain.  I have heard of people with chronic pain of some kind but I do not think that I am one of those poeple who can do chronic pain without losing my mind completely.

Then, of course there was the Glitch in the weight loss Matrix.  Apparently, eating and what I put in my mouth at any given moment will be a constant trial for me. I have to become borderline obsessed with eating for every waking minute, hour and day of my life. I realized that I will live the rest of my life in an up and down rollercoaster regarding my weight.  As of now, I’m in a slight valley with weight. But I was riding high on a mountain a few weeks ago and I’ll get it back.  Since I can’t do strenous exercise anymore due to my back, I am stuck with only power walking as cardio exercise.  I carry weights during my walking but that is all..I’m afraid to do to much because of my weight.  Hence,  I need to eat practically nothing to balance out my slow metabolism with the fact Im not doing strenuous cardio.  I will always hate it.

There is, of course, so much more to write.  But I’m actually really lazy and have to think my words out very carefully so as not to sound to bitter, harsh or just plain bitchy about many aspects of my life and the people in them.

So more to come.




A Glitch in the weight loss Matrix….do you wish to re-boot?

There was a HUGE glitch in the Matrix….

After going through my painful ordeal, the exercise stopped and the eating started.  All I did was lie down, dormant, stuffing my face with fast food. Blegh…..

I gained 25 lbs from my lowest weight.

I is a Sad Panda

sad panda

But that’s ok.  I’m on the road to recovery and in a better place mentally for it.

I started the low carbs diet, reduced calorie intake and jumped back on the treadmill for 30 minute medium paced walking sessions, 4 times a week.

Last week I started at 195 lbs.  Today, I’m down 3 lbs.

I’m determined to keep that scale going in the right direction.  Because not only is it for health and looks, but it’s for my back.  Apparently, as my herniated disc so skillfully told me, my spine can’t take being severely overweight.  So unless I want to end up back in Painville, I lose and maintain the health.

Moving to Idaho, Done with California

Goodbye California

I am a native of California. I was born and raised in the Los Angeles area.

I am moving to Boise, Idaho.

Why Boise and why the move?  Here is why:

  • Family and friends are there:

Yes, we have close friends of the family and actual family who live there.  That helps for getting to know a new place.  Also, my older sister live just a few hours away, in Montana. Win-Win!

  • My own family finally decided to make the move:

Finally…FINALLY! everyone is on board.  That makes things easier for me since my family is my help with things and as much as their personalities really rack my nerves, they are still blood.  Of course, the move wasn’t set in stone until my sister lost her job for the 2nd time in under a 2 year period and couldn’t find another and realized the neighborhood her condo is in is going down the crapper.  And she got a pretty little penny with the sale of her home….more than enough for a sizable down payment on a house in Boise that is bigger than her condo and plus a back yard and minus the drug dealers next door.  She’s sitting pretty and honestly, I’m happy for her. She’s been through a lot, owning a home here.

  • Cost of living:

Uh…obvious. California is no longer livable to those who are not a) super rich and b) super poor.  Meaning middle class gets the boot.  Just as one example, my 755 Sq. Ft. 2 bedroom apartment costs $1,557 a month.  From my research, on average, a 780 Sq Ft 2 bedroom apartment is about $780… the math.

  • Jobs….the lack thereof here and the overwhelming response to my resume in Boise

It really is unbelievable how my resume, received SO many responses and the same for my sister.  Here, they received nothing.  I’ve had responses from Boise PD (as a civilian clerk) and various law firms (legal secretary is my preference or back into a P.D.)  The funny thing is…the pay for some of these jobs, is just about the same as here in California.  That coupled with the lower cost of living would be phenomenal!  My sister got a response to her resume in Boise and they offered her the SAME amount as what she was getting paid here!  That really does say a world….no a universe of things.

  • Schooling and The Boy

I have the Boy to think about and luckily, he is all for this move.  Mainly it’s because Boise has an awesome ice Hockey program and great minor league there.  The scores on all the schools are really good.

Now I know there are downfalls and I’m sure we’ll run into them but I’m done living here.  What I find interested is that since this decision has finally been made and the wheels are turning for the move, things are literally falling into place, piece by piece.  My sister sold her house within a day of putting it on the market and she got the asking price.  I receive responses from many city jobs in Boise, especially the P.D.

I’ve hated it here for a while and I think a lot of living here has contributed to my stress and the stress contributed to my recent back and leg issues.  I am done with illegals taking over this state (yes, I said it…close the damn borders). I can’t even enjoy the places I used to in the past, such as Disneyland because people are just assholes.  Yes, I know, stupid people will be everywhere.  I’m not dumb to that.  And I’m done paying through the nose for an average life with people who just get handouts for free because they didn’t do it the right way.  I’m just done.

Come with me…on a Journey through Painville, Population 1

First, yes it’s me. Me, the one who blogged all the time.  The one who eventually stopped posting and now I realize my last visit here was in February.

That was before I experienced something new, something horrifying and something that has me traumatized for the rest of my life.

Let’s go back…back to when I thought I would lose my mind.

February 2015….

“What is this weird twinge behind my right thigh.  It feels like a pinch or a tweak when I bend over.  Ah well, I will ignore it. It will go….away…”

Mid-March 2015

“Ok, it didn’t go away. It’s getting worse. I better head to my chiro”

And that is when I started my 3 1/2 months off work and 3 1/2 months of pain equivalent or possible worse, than childbirth.

By Mid-March, I went off work on medical leave and started going to a family Chiropractor.  He knew what was causing the problem but he didn’t have the proper equipment to fix it.

By April, I realized that pain was my everyday life.  I woke up to it.  I went to bed with it.  Mornings were the worst. I get up from bed, (lying was the only pain relief, unless it throbbed), I would try to stand and the pain was horrendous.  It would radiate from the back of my thigh down my leg, behind my knee, on through to my calf.  A spasm like I was being electrocuted, stabbed and ripped apart at the same time.  This also occurred anytime I tried to get up from a sitting position or getting out of the car.  Getting INTO a car, especially to drive, was impossible.  There were times, being that I had to drive myself to therapy, I would get in crying…and not “ow it hurts” crying…I was screaming in pain.


Let me just interject here…if anyone reading this KNEW me…I don’t do things like scream in pain.  Yes, I will admit that I have a low tolerance for pain but to actually scream in it….that is not in my nature because that would bring attention to myself and I don’t like having attention being brought to myself.

My life stopped.  I could not longer take care of my child.  He had to start walking to and from school, alone, because I could no longer drive him.  I could no longer drive in my new dream car I had just purchase weeks before this happened.  I missed out going to LEGOLAND for his birthday, I couldn’t move let alone drive out there.  I showered less (yuck, I know), but that was because just stepping INTO the shower was torture and just getting up from a lying position was torture.  Sneezing, was painful. Coughing was painful, and don’t ask me about going to the bathroom…I couldn’t even sit without screaming let alone wipe my own ass!

Then there was my family, my mother and sister….I will just say that after all this…I will never expect sympathy from them…ever.  I just know that I would never have told someone in as much OBVIOUS pain as I was to “get over it”.  It really taught me a lot about their personalities that I will choose to ignore.

By the end of April, I FINALLY get my doctor to refer me to an MRI.

The MRI shows this:

Herniated Disc

Herniated Disc at L5 with a slight herniation just above, it’s at the bottom of the picture, the dark disc poking into that white area which is the nerve, causing the Sciatica pain

WebMD describes Sciatica pain:

Sciatica is pain, tingling, or numbness produced by an irritation of the nerve roots that lead to the sciatic nerve. The sciatic nerve is formed by the nerve roots coming out of the spinal cord into the lower back. It goes down through the buttock, then its branches extend down the back of the leg to the ankle and foot.

Emphasis on PAIN.  There was never tingling or numbness or maybe I was in to much pain to notice it. But yes, it went down my leg, behind my thigh, behind my knee then down my back calf.  I couldn’t move, walk, sit for more than 1 minute or sleep in any position other than on my back, crying.

The doctor prescribed me 800mg Ibuprofen…it did nothing.

The doctor prescribed Codone.  It would knock me out but it worked, because I was knocked out.  Or sometimes…it wouldn’t even work.

Like I said above, life was not worth living. Every morning I dreaded opening my eyes and deep inside, when I would go to sleep, I wished that God would just take me, so I wouldn’t have to wake up to that pain again.

My doctor referred me to a Neurosurgeon who said, after viewing my MRI that Epidural Injections would be the next step.

thCAEH5CP4Hmm…ok…I did my research and the side effects I read about were atrocious!  Numbness, piercing pain and in the worst cases, severe spinal damage!  Uh….no thanks!   Let alone the fact that Epidural Injections do not fix the herniated disc problem…only throws steroids right onto the nerve it’s pinching to numb it. Then when it wears off, I’m back in again for another round of a big needle getting stuck into my spine. And what..? That gets done for the rest of my life?

Well, no….because then it was surgery.

Screw that…..I’m fucking 38! Back surgery?

I searched and found my answer.  There was a chiropractor, just a block from my job and a few miles from my  home that did Spinal Decompression and the DRX Table.  Now this is not the inversion table where you hang upside down.  This table pulls the spine and over time, opens it up so that the disc can be less compressed and be allowed the water and fluids it needs.

I started that on May 22nd.  Let’s look at the timeline here.

February – Pain begins behind my thigh

March – this might be more than I think…let’s see the Chiro

April – FINALLY get an MRI after asking my primary physician not once but TWICE for it (the first time, the doctor denied me, outright).

May – pain pain pain and told by Neurosurgeon that Epidural Steroid Injections were the only way…..then surgery.

So I’ve done my research, rejected the Injections because paralization does not appeal to me (being a bit dramatic there but you get my point) and surgery is also not an option.

DRX MachineI start my $2000 session on the DRX table of twenty sessions lasting 30 minutes each and done 3-4 times a week, to start. Lucky for me, this chiro, was a relative by marriage, and I got a discount but I still owe $1500, at the present time. Blegh.

So about 10 sessions in, the Chiro says I should be experiencing less pain and I’m not.  At this point, I’m more panicked than when this all started because if this machine, which was my last resort, didn’t work, I would pretty much be crippled for life.  Because that is what I was this whole time…crippled.  Couldn’t walk, stand, sit, couldn’t take care of my kid or even myself and never returning to work again.  All I knew was pain.

Bless my Chiro’s heart…he came to my rescue.  He said that the disc probably wasn’t responding because not only was it herniated, as the MRI showed, but is probably also so dried out from not getting water and oxygen for so long from being compressed.  The machine may be opening up my spine but the disc is un-movable.

He offers a solution.  I would straddled on the chiro table, like straddling a horse, then he would sit behind me, my back facing him and he would place his thumbs on the disc in my lower back…..and push his thumbs into the disc to move it and loosen the muscles around.  He did this while I bent forward and back, forward and back about 10 times.  This movement and pushing that disc also pushed the disc right into the nerve.

The first time he did that, the pain was so bad, I almost passed out.  My leg…was on fire and getting electrocuted at the same time.  I was crying so bad, there, in his office, that I couldn’t breathe.  I was doing that cry where you just whimper and whimper and your breathing gets shallow.  He gave me some tissue and promised it would be better.  The pain took over so much that I didn’t care I was crying, nose running, eyes swollen, in front of a complete stranger, even if he was a doctor and has seen this before.  Later on, I realized what I must have looked like and became embarrassed.

We continued those “thumb pushing” sessions over the next 10 times I did the DRX Machine.  Each time, was not as bad as the time before, yet still painful.

Then….one day……..the nerve pain, was GONE!

Last week was the last DRX machine session and thumb compressions and I had full movement with no radiating nerve pain, at all.

phototake_rm_photo_of_piriformis_muscleMy sessions on the machine are now over and we are now just working on severely tight butt muscles and hamstring.  Apparently, I’m dealing with a bit of a tight piriformis muscle which is the muscle found deep inside the buttocks.  It connects the lower spine to the upper thighbone and runs DIRECTLY over the sciatic nerve.  However, it really just feels like I have a tight butt muscle….kinda funny really.  Also, my lower back will get tight sometimes and I have to step away from my desk to do little stretches.  And I still get aching behind my knee and in my calf.  But usually a good stretch will work it out.

However, this is NOTHING like what I was feeling back in April and May…..nothing like it at all.

I am getting massages to work out the muscles and I stretch EVERY day. In the morning, I stretch my legs, do spine stretching yoga poses and especially stretch the piriformis muscle in my backside.

In the evening, I do stretches again and I’m back on the treadmill, power walking.  I believe that my running and elliptical days…are over.  However, this ordeal, cost me 25 lbs of weight gain from my 2 year journey of 70 lbs of weight loss….blegh with a side of blegh and blegh to drink.  More on that in a future post.

The chiro did say that I will need to be careful from here on out.  Hence my running and elliptical days being over.  I am now more probable to get Degenerative disc disease (breakdown of discs, which act as cushions between the vertebrae), since the disc, even though it’s better, has been compressed and dried out.  It could happen again and it could take the spinal bones with it to Deadville.  But that is more likely if I don’t stay in tune with what I’m feeling and I don’t keep up my stretches and keep my weight down.

I was asked many time about how I got a herniated disc…

Where you in a car accident?”, No

Did you have a fall?” No

Do you work in a place where you are constantly bending over or lifting heavy things?” Uh…NO!

So what caused this?

Not a damned thing.  Well, not the typical things.  Personally, I believe it was all the extra weight I had been carrying all the years in my life.  I think being overweight has had so many unhealthy side effects that even after losing so much weight, I couldn’t escape it.

Psychological Consequences of this Journey

All of the above was just the surface of how I was physically.  Mentally, is a whole another ball of wax.  I will just say that living a life, even if it was just 3 months, of constant pain, almost pushed me over the edge of the Cliffs of Insanity.

Cliffs of Insanity

I believe somewhere in-between getting told I just need Epidural Shots and worrying about those side affects and doing hands on therapy where the pain was blinding to actually waking up one day with no pain after months of constant pain, I literally wanted to die.  The psychological aspects of this is indescribable.

But Consequences can also come in a positive form.  I really believed that I had little to no tolerance of physical pain.  Yet, I made it to the end of this journey, after the worst pain I’ve ever experienced, even worse than Childbirth, or maybe just a different kind.  But I did it. I pushed my way through moment after moment of constant pain. And I am still here.

Also, I found that yelling, which is what I used to do a lot with my kid, was painful during this ordeal.  I literally couldn’t do anything that would cause the nerve to spasm and funny enough, yelling did that.  I have since mellowed out my mood and personality.  However, sneezing and coughing also was painful so I’m traumatized in that every time I feel a sneeze coming on, my body tenses for pain, but it doesn’t come.  I’m sure that anxiety will pass with time.

But the deadly combination that had me staring into the darkness of hopelessness was that of the utter physical pain and the LONLINESS of it all.  I had not one person to comfort me, rub my back, hold me…nothing.  I’m typing this out now, thinking back on how utterly devastating that feeling was and I can feel my soul diving into that lonely place again where I realize, I still have no one.

YET, I still made it through the other side.  I made it through the pain. Then the loneliness of the pain, dealing with the pain alone, crying alone. I made it. And that is ok.

Hello Darkness, my old friend….

I want today to be opposite day. Therefore, that title reflects what my emotions are not feeling at this exact moment.spongebob_squarepants__opposite_day_by_masterof4elements-d79856c

And from what I’ve learned in the 38 years I’ve been on this planet, those feelings will probably change within the next few moments. But for now, let’s revel in them.

I’m back in the proverbial saddle. Or trying to be anyway. I have brushed up my looks again, I’ve got makeup on my eyes (well eyeliner and mascara anyway) and I’m back into the clothes I feel good in. I’m trying…yet again.lonely,text,quotes,loneliness,typography,my,point,of,,view-bab1b35315564a3da5fbafba4550c8b6_h

And what has the cycle been? Why the fire in my belly to try to look half way beautiful…..? I think we can all assume why and the elimination of LONLINESS is the key.

Humans crave other humans. Whether it be to hate another human, to love another human, or just to appreciate the way another human looks. I would like to say that my sole reason for existing on this planet (hardy har har, God, very funny….) is to fall into all of these categories as there is always a thin line between love and hate for me.

I have just made a bold move, not only moments before typing this, that gave me a gushing wave of confidence that I haven’t felt in YEARS.  And the smile that resulted in my bold offer (of a phone number) just about sent me over the edge.

Yes, I need that much acceptance, deal with it.

UntitledAnyway, we shall see. I’m tired of my roads all leading to dead ends or four way Stops that no one wants to go next at.

I’m just done with that and I’m taking my camera and photographing all that I can (because hey, I’m actually good at that photography shit).

Until then…I’ll wait for the rejection, which always surely tends to come.

I run because I hate my body…..

If anyone has every ventured onto the Network TLC they may recognize the show “My 600 lb Life”. These stories are sad yet so true. The torment that goes on with someone who struggles with weight and relationships with food can be devastating. And it is a life long struggle, not a quick fix….life f-ing long

I am one of them. No, I didn’t have 300+ lbs to lose….only about 100 at the most. After two years of constantly monitoring what I put into my face, after two years of working out regularly (meaning 3-4 times a week), after two years of yelling at the donuts and bread bowls that literally prance their irresistibility at me, I’m steady at a 65-70 lb loss. Maintaining it is the worst, let alone trying to lose the last 30 to get to 100 lbs total lost.

I now understand why thin and fit people don’t eat and why exercise is a daily part of their daily routine. It HAS to be. It literally HAS to be. That is unless, one is magically born with metabolism faster than the speed of light. I never adopted that ability and as I get older, my metabolism dwindles to the speed of grass growing.

However, do not think that I am in any way complaining. In fact, it is the quite opposite. Losing this much weight and changing living habits and food choices has shown a whole different side of myself I never knew in my 38 years of being on this planet.

7ea8ded7acfc79dbc93c538b291d7e18So to explain the title of this post, “I run because I hate my body” yes, that is true. I hate my body. I hate and I’m so MAD at the gene pool I was given. This pool is filled with obesity, diabetes, cancer, alcoholism, Alzheimer’s and many more of the life threatening ailments that can kill a person. I fight genetics daily or at least try to because there are some things that I can’t help. But what I CAN help…I will do my best to help. I yell at the donuts that are by my coffee pot at work. I muster all my energy to go on that 2 mile run each day and find the tools to make it just a bit easier…..but only just a bit.

One of those tools is a wonderful app that I’ve discovered called Zombies Run!  unnamedCA3G3JZCThis has to be the best migration of making exercise an actual GAME. It’s like the gamer’s dream come true! Well it was THIS gamer’s dream come true anyway. But go look …’ll see what I mean. I use that app on every run I go on and evade the Zombies as I go. It was the best $3.99 I’ve spent in the Google Play store…ever!

Another tool I use from this modern world age of technology is Fitness Pal.unnamedCA6ELWCV  It is a calorie counter and if I’ve learned only one thing on this journey it is that if one were to monitor every single thing put into their mouth….one would realize how much junk is going into their body. It really is an eye opener.

However, I think after these two years, it’s nice to know that I am a runner…even though I thought I wasn’t. I’m up to running for up to 10 minutes at a time. Granted, it is more of a jog at about 4.0 pace but I’m telling you, that Zombies Run! Game helps! Every once in a while, Zombies will chase me and I have to speed it up and I pick up necessary supplies for my base camp as I run. Helps to keep motivation at it’s highest and helps the time go by faster, that is for sure.


But basically ….this….all in good humour!

I will continue to try and lose the last 30 lbs to get to my goal weight but for now.  I don’t think I want to ever see 250 lbs again…ever…..ever.

Of course, I’m still attending to and raising The Boy.  He has now switched from wanting to play Hockey to now wanting to start Baseball.  I got him into a Little League just last week and he starts in March.  I live to serve that kid…..brat!  Naw…I would do anything for that….brat! Ha! He’s my world!

I’m not dating, nor do I think I ever will.  I have come to realize that, apparently, a woman who is the following is not attractive to men at all:

1) A women who would rather go to a Lord of The Rings Movie AND knows all the lore and back story than make a man go shoe shopping AND hold her purse, is not attractive.

2) A woman who would rather play video games on the Xbox One is not attractive.

3) A woman who is not that bad looking and now has a pretty good body is not attractive.

I have just pretty much described myself.  I am such a geek/gamer “know all the history of The Walking Dead, Marvel characters AND most video games” woman that I even blow my own mind! Go ahead, ask me anything about Legend of Zelda.  I don’t care how it looks!

It is incredible that I haven’t snatched up some guy.  Nope…apparently men like the ditzy blondes with big boobs (even though I can claim that to…) and no brains (that is something I will never claim though).  If that is the case, they shouldn’t complain when that ditzy blonde makes you go shoe shopping.  I guess they will do what ever other man (and woman to for that matter) will do…cheat.

So no, I will never date….because apparently, I’m TO much of a geek.  I guess?

And this……………Gamestop………….is SOOO true.  But I swear male heads explode when I say I ALSO am a Pro Rewards Member…..sheesh…..

I would like to close this post with one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite movies.

League of their own quote

In the Zombie Apocolypse, there is no money…

Rose Smith: Money. I hate, loathe, despise and abominate money.

Mr. Alonzo Smith: You also spend it.

Meet Me In St. Louis, 1944


That about sums it up for me.  I really hate money, yet I need to spend it.  I can NOT seem to get on top of my finances.  It seems like everywhere I turn money is slipping through my fingers.  And you would think, “Oh she’s spending it on herself getting her hair and nails done…”…NOPE!

Per month, roughly….I spend:

A couple hundred on Hockey lessons, for The Boy

Another couple hundred on hockey gear, for The Boy

A couple hundred for before and after school care so I can work to pay for the before and after school care.

A couple more hundred on school PTA because he HAD to have the Knotts Tickets that come with the payment, among other things. (but that was actually only this month)

A couple more hundred on food which The Boy consumes within days forcing me to spend another couple hundred only days later.

A couple more hundred on shoes and accessories that The Boy MUST have (like $60 Adidas shoes).

Do you see the pattern?

Oh and then somewhere in there I pay $1200 rent on the 755 square foot cracker box I live in, utilities (Fuck You Verizon FIOS and Verizon Wireless and your over priced crap service), and a car payment on a piece of crap VW, which is also over priced.

Lastly, I buy my cat the cheapest cat food I can find. Friskies, seems to be the winner lately.


What’s left for me? A trip to the Goodwill for some used $3 tops so I don’t go to work naked or I take charity from my sister’s closet of clothes she no longer wears.  I’ve given up on trying to eat any kind of solid food that isn’t snacks or left over food from big-wig lunch meetings that I can beg scraps for.  Hence my current and probably on-going weight loss and stomach ulcers.  Also, hair that desperately needs to be trimmed yet, grows past my waist, because I can’t cut it myself and can’t afford to go to a salon.  So I let it just grow.  Just call me friggin Rapunzel!

iceAnd this is just the tip of the iceberg on my money issues.  There are odds and ends that I am always digging into my pockets for that just drive the knife deeper.  The kicker is, I do get child support, I have a pretty good paying job…you would think the problem is my budgeting….

Nope, it’s that I live in the worst state in this union when it comes to finances, over priced housing, taxes etc.  I hate it here and want to move so desperately.

So yeah, I hate loathe and despise money, but even though I don’t want to, I spend it. OR rather my 10 year old kid spends it.

He will be getting a job as soon as he is of legal age. That is for damned sure!

Lord Jesus give me the strength…

Today, during my lunch hour, as I was pumping gas into my car, a young man, about 19 or 20, maybe younger, walked up to me asking for 75 cents to get a bus ride to his Aunt’s house.  I asked him how he ended up in this city and why he couldn’t live with his Aunt.  He shook his head and said he was homeless.  I honestly thought this kid had to have been a teen.  He looked like a high schooler.

But I didn’t see a young stranger…I saw my son.  I thought to myself, “If something happened to me and there was NO one to take care of my son, I would not want my son to have to be reduced to pan-handling and I would hope someone would give him charity.”

I gave that kid all the cash I had in my wallet.

I just saw a small little boy in this kid.  A part of me wanted to give him my number and take him out to dinner!  I knew that wasn’t possible though because even though good people want to do good things, bad people will always prevail.  And I didn’t even know if this boy was telling me the truth at all.  For all I know, he could have turned around and took the cash I handed him to the liquor store.  As it was, he took my money, but he did say thank you as I told him “God Bless” and then he said thank you again, then ran off across the street.

06956-TrkyChdrSub-032414I came back to work, sat at my desk, and looked at the Lunchables that I had gone out of my way to buy at the Vons (where this gas station was) for my own Boy, because he likes Lunchables as a treat.  I stared at the Lunchables, with their Hershey’s Kisses, sub sandwich and Capri Sun and told myself that I am doing good for that kid and it is my job to make sure he knows it.  If there is one thing that I am trying to keep out of that boy, it is ungratefulness.

Because the Lord giveth…and…the Lord can taketh away.

I came back to my desk, at work, and prayed to God that I may have touched that poor boy’s life regardless if he took my money and went to a liquor store or if he truly did need to get to his Aunt’s house.  Even if it was only because I talked to him rather than shoo him off like I’m sure most have.  I can only hope that he was telling the truth and he was just trying to get a bus ride to his Aunt’s.  It is beyond me now.


My heart aches for the pain and suffering in this world.  My heart aches for those who feel that it’s over.  This stems from the news of Robin Williams.  I’ve seen many a celebrity die in tragic ways during my lifetime but this one…this one hurt my heart.

The depth of depression is nothing that any human on this planet could fathom, even the person who is dealing with it.  It is a disease that warps our reality and rules our minds.  To personify it, I would think, in the worst cases that more than likely end in the person thinking death is the only way out, it makes their world look upside down.  Almost like Alice through the Looking Glass.  Everything is wrong, up is down and down is up.  That has got to be awful.  And the sadness. The overwhelming sadness.  I know that I have my bouts of depression but I find my way out.  I feel for those who can’t crawl out of the hole that depression digs.

As I’ve always said, it would be like being sucked into The Nothing, where the only thing left behind is the pain and sorrow of the darkness of….well, of there being NOTHING.

Out of all the tributes that every other celebrity made, I liked Jimmy Fallon’s the best and in the comedic way that Robin was all about…

Jimmy Fallon Tribute to Robin Williams

While only God can know what Mr. Williams was thinking during his last breath, I would like to hope that he is now making God laugh with his antics.

We are only on this earth for a short time, then we will all meet again under the righteousness of our Lord.



We are only here for a short time….

That is what I keep telling myself…’This is temporary…This is temporary”

It may seem that I left this blog by the wayside and perhaps I have.

In the weight department, I have been at a steady and maintained weight loss of 75lbs. Sometimes it goes up…then I bring it right back down. I am now conscious of when I start to gain a pound or two and make sure that it comes back down. As of right now…I’m up a bit but I will bring it right back down. I have been keeping exercise as a regular part of my routine at 3-4 times a week, 30 minutes on the elliptical or bike and weight lifting. I am pretty much carb free but sneak the occasional dinner roll or fry here and there. But 98% of my food choices do not include carbs in any form. I am going to finish up my last two weeks at the medical clinic and then I’m going to switch to another facility which is just around the corner from my office building and I can visit for my vitamin injections during my lunch hour.  I want to start fresh at a new place, from my current weight.  I still have about 30 pounds to lose although I may try and go as far as losing another 50 lbs bringing me down to about 120 lbs at 5 feet 4 inches height.  I started this journey May 4, 2013 and will never look back.  After a year, I will start fresh and these will be my new goals:

Height:  5 ft, 4 in
Current Weight:  178 lb  (give or take)
Healthy weight range:  117-146 lb
Current BMI:  31
Healthy BMI range:  20-25

MjAxMy1lYjAyZjhlYThkZWIyNGUwWork has not been so good.  I am currently dealing with a boss who yells, argues and screams at me, on the phone, or to anyone he’s talking to.  I’ve documented it with H.R. and that is all I can really do.  He also burps all the time, farts in front of me (his office constantly smells like butt) and I literally have to leave the area when he eats lunch because he’s SO loud with his chomping and slurping that it makes me physically ill.  I made the mistake once of walking into his office while he was eating lunch and let me just say, the spaghetti sauce was ALL over his mouth….all…over.  And by the way, this is a 58 year old man.  He is disgusting.  My solution, since I need a paycheck and can’t quit, is to completely shut down any interaction with him.  Basically, I avoid him at all costs.  Communication is mostly through emails.  It’s working out, for the most part.

But the worst was about 1 ½ months ago, when somehow, an un-authorized person snuck into the buildings and stole 3 wallets straight from purses sitting on cubicles.  My wallet was one of them.  I’m very disappointed in how my employer handled the situation.  But I have to put up with all of this because eating is not an option.  I will say it really takes its toll on me.  The stress is beginning to affect my stomach.  I’m pretty sure I have IBS but I need to go to my Dr. to get him to diagnose me but from what I’ve read, I’m sure that’s it.  On my own, I’m starting probiotics and cutting back on the coffee…(*sorta* teehee).  But my appetite and eating is pretty much null and void.  I have no desire for food as I used to over a year ago.  But that’s fine with me.


My farm….

I have become mildly obsessed with Farmville 2: Country Escape.  Yes, yes I have. I’m farming and harvesting and creating yummy foods such as cakes, pies and fish that sometimes just playing the game brings my appetite back! It’s funny.  Anyway, look up on Google Games and that would be me. It should be listed as one of my games that I’m getting achievements from.

Rejection-Investors-Startup--790x391I have officially given up on finding someone, a companion to walk with me and beside me for the rest of my life.  After putting myself out there for a bit…the rejection, even after becoming physically attractive (or so I thought the weight loss would help) is unbearable.  I was never one to react positively from rejection.Plain Jane

I’ve had a series of revelations. There was a time that I firmly believed that my over weight issue was what kept me unattractive and plain.  I have since come to find out, it was never the weight.  I will admit to being a “Plain Jane” and nothing that turns heads.  Hell, I’ll be lucky if I can get another human being to even acknowledge that I exist.  Beyond that, there is something about my personality that makes others turn away.  I am not all alone for no reason.  I should wear a sign that says “does not play well with others”.  The weight is gone and still, I’m a nobody.

I barely exist to anyone.  My son just sees me as a bank to make sure he has what he needs and a disciplinary who stops him from having “fun”.  Although I firmly believe that I am the coolest mom on the planet.   Just recently, he started becoming interested in Superman comics and we found a great Comic Book store near our apartment that I take him to (when he acts good) and I get him comics to his hearts desire.  Now tell me, how many mothers will get down on their hands and knees digging through boxes of back issues of Superman comics in a local comic book store, to find the right Superman comic for their 10 year old son.  We are not many, us cool moms.  I love it though.  I’ve always been a geek at heart.

Mario KartI also visited just about every McDonald’s in the area JUST to get The Boy his last Mario Kart toys from there.  They were the Happy Meal toys and he was only  missing three.  I found two out of the three he was missing.  I couldn’t find Donkey Kong.Beanie Babys

I will admit…I did get some of the Beanie Babies (the “Girl” toy) for myself…they were so cute!

But this all proves this theory: That kid…is my entire reason for existing…my entire…..reason.

My parents barely know I exist beyond giving them their most precious grandchild. I’m just waiting for my father’s impending progression of Alzheimer’s to finally kick in and he won’t know who I am, at all.  Until then, he just can’t talk.  But both my parents pretty much ignore me more now than they ever did.   My younger sister….*sigh*…her and I are just not on the same page about morals and standards in life and are having serious personality conflicts.  It really does break my heart but she is the most stubborn and unforgiving person I know.  She also needs to think before she speaks just as a common human courtesy.  I also think she resents me for my weight loss but that is just speculation.  She is going down the path of physical self sabotage and gaining SO much weight and I worry for her health.  She is pre-diabetic, has thyroid issues and back problems.  She really needs to lose about 100 lbs, for health reason alone!   I know that she holds some resentment towards me just by being in the same room with her because we’ve both been fat our whole lives.  This journey is a lifetime change and she is all about the “3-day cleanse” diets.  That doesn’t work for us.  It’s a lifetime thing.  My older sister, well I never had a real relationship with her as we didn’t grow up together.  I have no friends and barely know a handful of relatives.

liar_liar_pants_on_fireI tried the dating thing and it just didn’t work. There was always someone better than me or, as I’ve come to realize, most men, especially the so called “Christian” ones, are all liars.  The amount of liars and hypocrites I’ve run into in the approximately 8 months I’ve tried dating is outstanding and absolutely incredible.  Guys that say “I’m looking for a Christian woman, with standards and values……” then turn around and want to jump in the sack…uh…no….?  Or you get the ones who really like that I’m a sports fanatic and would rather go to a good baseball or hockey event than shop for shoes, then drop me like I have leprosy to pursue someone who, surprise…..surprise, is eye candy for them to hang off their arm.  Pathetic…. Men, are a lost cause, especially at this age.  I’m done with them and their lies, arrogance and hypocrisy.

And after that evaluation, I really will be brutally honest and admit that for me, death cannot come fast enough.

Now let me explain that statement.

The Bible tells us that Christians will be with Jesus the instant they die.

In 2 Corinthians 5:8 the Apostle Paul even longed for death because he knew it would take him into the presence of Jesus.  He said,  “We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord. “

In Luke 23:43 Jesus tells the thief dying on the cross, “Verily I say unto thee, Today shalt thou be with Me in Paradise.”

I just want to be with Jesus, where there is no pain, physical or mental or emotional.  This life is temporary and full of heartache and sorrow and sometimes, it’s a bit to much.  But I do not condone murder, so when I say that, I mean that getting older only carries for me regret that I didn’t live my younger years with more wisdom.  I sometimes feel I have nothing to teach my son yet, on the flip side, I have everything to teach him because of my mistakes that I learned from.  I know that he alone, is the only reason I exist on this planet.  Well him and the fear of the eternal consequences of murder (because, yes, suicide is murder and God gave us each our paths for a reason).

So please, no comments like “you need to seek counseling blah blah blah”.  I’m not going to off myself.  I just can’t wait to be in a happier place when this life walk is over.  The end of this physical life in this physical skin will be such a welcome to me.


I used to blame God for my loneliness and be petrified of dying, but I can’t feel that way anymore.  It was I who made my choices. The only “blame” that can go towards God is that He gave humans the ability to choose right from wrong.  He only shows us the paths and we must choose to walk the proper one.  I did not  with the choices I made, out of rebellion and spite and now I suffer the consequences by dealing with loneliness and the harsh reality that for however many more years I have on this planet, they will be utterly and totally, alone.

So, in essence, since my last posts in here of our wonderful day trip to Hearst Castle to my constant battle with loneliness, it hasn’t gotten much better.  There are good days and bad days.  There are days when my family really get on my last nerve and I’m done with them.  But for the most part, I spend most of my time with The Boy and just prepare myself for the day when he will jump on the bandwagon, and also reject me somewhere down the line.  Then I will be utterly and truly alone and my battle between living and being patience for God’s time for Him to call me to His Kingdom, will truly begin.

Or, it might not end up that way because I have also learned that I am not the one making the path.  I just follow what is right and how believe.  I will enjoy my son and teach him the best I can.  He starts school a week from Monday and will be entering the 5th grade.  I’m taking him to a Dodger game on Sunday as a “End of the Summer” last fun thing to do and a night at a fun restaurant in Pasadena where you throw your peanut shells on the floor.  I’ve already been to two Dodger games this summer, one with my sister and my kid and one with my sister, kid, and my parents and I think I just want to be with my kid now.  Sometimes, they are all to much for me to handle and my patience is pushed to it’s limits.

But I constantly do question one thing about my faith.  If Jesus died for us and forgave us, why do the sins of our past hurt us in our present?  I guess I should talk to a pastor about that but I try to figure things out on my own.



I decided that my situation is what it is.


I am home today because I dont have money to put gas in my car.....


I'm mutilating friendship because I'm an attention whore....

I walked The Boy to school, dropped him off, then I kept walking for another hour around the neighborhood. I walked and walked. Then I realized, my legs felt like they were going to fall off and that I actually could have walked to the moon if I hadnt been jerked back into reality. I promptly returned back home and I’m now sitting here, drinking a smoothie, with a migraine developing wondering why I’m still here and wondering if The Nothing will ever just win.

Easter, He died for me and my loneliness


Dear God,

I’m a little angry again… are some random thoughts for You to answer, please. If You choose to keep me floundering some more, so be it.

I will never understand that if Jesus died for my sins, why do the sins still hurt. Not physical pain, as I would take that over this but emotional loneliness. I do not wish to throw our Savior’s sacrifice back in His face. I would not dare be so blasphemous. But the pain in my heart, is unbearable. If my sins are forgiven, why is there still pain?

In church, a beautiful baby was sitting next to me with his two parents. For the first time, I wanted to scream out in pain. It hurt to realize that I will never have another baby again. I love The Boy but this urge or mid life crisis or my clock ticking for another baby, is getting harder to deal with. I was made to have babies but because I couldn’t find a decent man who wants the same, I will be deprived of more children.

I am mad.

In church, the Pastor says “Trust in God”. Ok, so I should trust that God is making me walk an uttrly lonely life for a reason? Doesn’t God want us to find love, have children, praise Him and have a home based on Him? God made me, knew me before I was born, and then said “she will suffer a life of loneliness and unfulfillment…and I will sit back and laugh.”

Or so it seems…

I would like to hope not.

But, I am mad

The Pastor says: “God knows you. Do you know God?” Well apparently I’m not good enough to know Him! Apparently, I’m not worthy enough for Him to send me someone to comfort me……wait for it…..UNCONDITIONALLY. Thats right people, love is and actually can be unconditional.

The Pastor says, “Real love cares”…and he says if you really love someone you will love them today, tomorrow and forever, during all times. Love is a choice not a feeling.


So, apparently there is NO ONE out there who will ever love me like that. The pain in the realization is horrifying….

The Pastor says “God says we need to give it to him”. Ok, God, then WHY did YOU give the loneliness to me?!!!? Answer me that, hmmm….?

So I just move on, day by day. Each day, lonelier than the next because no body wants me. No one will give me a chance.

It’s an awful realization that if I died tomorrow, not one person would care.

Lunar Eclipse

It’s 12:15 am and I’m here on my porch watching the Lunar Eclipse. The moon is now completely dark red.  It is super dark here on my porch meaning the moon really gives off some super light that we take for granted.


I’m fascinated and enthralled yet, feel a little pang that I am not sharing this with anyone here next to me. I did wake up The Boy and he stumbled out to see it, said “that is awesome” then stumbled back into bed.

Regardless,  this was well worth staying up late. And oh my gosh…the moon is now COMPLETELY blood red!!!!

“Laugh it up, Fuzzball…”

Apparently someone is laughing at me.

Maybe one of my multiple personalities is laughing at me.

All I know is that I was destined to be someones laughing stock.  I can’t help but think, it’s God.

I am sad today. I had to make the decision to not pursue a friendship with someone new.  My lot in life is to deal with my family, until death.  And I refuse to drag good people who deserve better, down with me.  I only encourage my son to run and run fast when he becomes of age… and RUN FAST!

I am sad.

So I work out.  I exercise and lift lots of weights.  I have no more hope or joy anymore but to keep losing weight.  It’s all I have control of.  Unless God decides to mess with that to, the one thing I still have control of in my life.


Yes, that is a machine I use and yes, that is 70 lbs of weights.  I’m lifting as much weight as I’ve lost.  That is truly interesting.

We can’t choose our family, of course but I will never understand why God thought I could handle mine.  Some days I want to rip throats out.

And I will never understand why God thinks I’ll develop a stonger walk in His path when the family He’s given me chases away any person I associate myself with.

Shit….now I’m getting fucking MAD!

Can I just get drunk now? K, thanks!

And it continues…

thCAG72OOWI really thought that my mother and I were on the road to recovery. As I said in a previous post, I’ve learned to let a lot of her comments go through one ear and out the other because, for the most part, she says things to me just to either pick a fight or to shoot down my dreams.  Or sometimes, she’s just in a bad mood and lashes out at me because, well because she can.  It’s a free country and all.  Either way, I’ve learn to try and deal with the hurt that comes with her words but sometimes, it’s hard and last night’s conversation with her, was no exception.

I was concerned about the email I got from my sister, and I began to question whether I do gloat or boast about my weight loss, or meeting more positive new people.  I, most certainly do not want to come off as boastful when I am trying to be encouraging.

But you see, I’m still working on realizing when the problem sometimes doesn’t lie with me, but the OLD me sends me into a place that makes me question my actions.

So I made the mistake of asking my mother if that was the case.  I knew the minute the question left my mouth that it was a BIG mistake.  This opened up a door for her to enter the room of “let’s make sure we point out ALL you are doing wrong, while we are at it”.  And she even said…”well you asked the question”.

Yes, that’s right I did, but I’m still learning.


It went something like this and I will jump in with points on how far fetched and ridiculous some of her comments are.  This is a real conversation.  I have made up nothing.  However, names and locations have been changed, to protect the innocent (and I hope that certain person doesn’t get offended that I’ve included them in this but no one knows who we are talking about anyway).

So here we go….

Me: Can I ask a question? Do I come off as boastful or show off with my weight loss?

Her: Well, you talk about it to much. You’re always saying how you are eating and what new size you are in.

Me: I may do that because I’ve never been in this place before in my life and I want to share.

Her: Well, you are always on recycle with your comments about your weight loss………

(then it began)….

Her: And now, you met this new person and what if you start to like him (I’ve known them for all of a little over a month. Jumping the gun a bit there?) and what are you going to do?  Are you going to take The Boy out of school, move to [a certain CA city]……are you going to move DOWN?!  And you haven’t been even going to church!

First, I have been going to church, I was just there last Sunday so she can leave that judgment at the door….and last I heard, I don’t have to answer to her regarding my church visits.

Second, let me explain the “Move…down” comment. I do not mean to offend anyone as these are NOT my words, nor my thoughts.

She means, that this certain city, where this church is that I want to visit and this new person who I’m befriending, is in a city that isn’t the best, although according to who, really depends.  I would never want to be associated with such a judgmental, non-humble type of thinking.  It’s disgusting.  And I find it very hard to keep my mind from wondering in the land of “what a hypocrite”.  Regardless, the snobbery that came out of that comment was appalling and really uncalled for considering; she lives in a pretty ghetto city herself.

Back to the conversation as the insults continue in the form of her thinking that I’m not putting The Boy first and, according to her, not feeding him…yes, she REALLY thinks I’m not FEEDING my child.

After the “moving down” comment…

Me: ..…….. (I decided that I would start biting my tongue after the “moving down” comment)

Her: The Boy doesn’t eat.  You need to feed him more vegetables and you shouldn’t feed him the Top Ramon.  (WTF?!?….last I knew, I’m the one who knows MY child best, lives with him and I’m constantly filling my fridge to accommodate his appetite).

Mkay so, the Top Ramon comment is because she saw 2 boxes of Top Ramon in my cabinet and laid in on me how that stuff is to salty and he shouldn’t be eating it every day.  First off, I agree, that stuff is super high in sodium.  Second, he doesn’t eat it every day.  Just like sweets, only in moderation.  But all she heard was “I’m feeding it to him morning noon and night”.

Also, to question that I’m not feeding him the proper nutrition, is just out right ridiculous.  I’m sorry, but WHO has lost 70 friggin pounds?  Again, I hate to come off boastful but the only way to lose that much weigh is to EAT….BETTER.  That means the items in my kitchen are not crap.  Hence, The Boy eats just fine.  Her theory, that I do not feed or that I feed my child crap, is severely faulty.

Going on….

Her: You are lying to me about something (……again, biting my tongue to bleeding at this point). You are lying about this new person you’ve met.

Me: (being VERY careful with my words at this point and just wanting to end this massacre of a conversation) Ok, I’m actually not lying about anything.  I’ve tried my best to be as truthful to all of you as possible in the positive way my faith and beliefs and attitude are going.  And that includes meeting new people who are on the same path as me.  I can’t predict the future so I can’t answer your “what if” questions.  I can only trust in God to know what is going to happen….

Her (Interrupting): *she laughs at my “trust in God” comment* Oh really?  Now you meet this new person and all the sudden you are all about God.

Me:  Um, well yes, even though God was already there but that is how fellowship with faithful people goes.  And it was always there…I just want it to grow.

Her:  You are hiding something from me about this new person. You think you are so smart but you still go back to lying and I’m not talking to you anymore.

thCA1QV66BI really am sick of being called a liar, at this point. If she wants to talk to a liar, she can go back to talking to her own sister.  I’m just flabbergasted because I’ve tried my BEST to be open and honest with my family as I’m not who I was a few years ago but that was just returned with my sister telling me to not talk about positive things around here because she is in a “bad place” and my mother with this conversation.  But this whole liar name calling is pushing my patience to its last limits as I’m pretty much done being called a liar, when I’m not.


Me:  Well, what would you like to hear from me because all I can tell you is that positive new friends and a new church environment in my life is exactly what is going on. I have no hidden agenda.

Her (Interrupting):  You are being elusive and I’m going to hang up….

Me: Ok, but I can honestly tell you I’m not lying and want to resolve this in a……

She hangs up on me.

You know, going through the crux of that conversation again makes me actually, physically nauseated.

This woman…..*sigh*…..this woman has always been prone to these hissy fits when she doesn’t get her way.  It’s like an adult sized toddler tantrum.  Her and my sister are so much alike.  They seem to personify “Misery Loves Company” to perfection.  Yet, if I were to EVER tell them to just suck it up and have some faith, as both have told me oh so many times, I would literally, probably get beat down.  And I mean, literally, beat and then ostracized.

Welcome to my family.


It’s just a sad state of affairs and hurts my heart more than makes me angry.

Over the past several months, because of other family issues and things I don’t agree about with my parents, I’ve pulled away, ever so slowly and ever so slightly, from them.  I am a mother and I have to think of my own child and that Boy is my absolute world.  My parents are not in a good place right now.  Even considering that it is mostly not their fault due to . I will always be sympathetic that my mother had a hard life, yet that excuse is slowly becoming tiresome. My father, he no longer can communicate or put sentences together and the last I heard, his memory is fading even faster.

thCA0CE7JLI will only pray for them now.

I am not like my Aunt who is someone who says they are walking a Christian path yet are an out right pathological liar, manipulator and cheat. I’m trying REALLY hard to find a better place for myself in this world. I’m trying hard to surround myself with more positive people who are gung ho all out for God. That is my road. It may not be anyone else’s, but it is mine.

I’m just having a hard time admitting to myself and accepting that my family, may not be able to go where I’m going. So all I can do keep walking my path and pray that the way I’m going can influence them to see that they can walk with me to, eventually

And to throw all the trash of our pasts away and look toward the future. But until then, I must pull away from them even more, especially if my “positive” attitude becomes a stumbling block.

Can you just STOP being so positive and happy please?!?!

No, I did not tell what this post is titled to someone.

I was told this…by my own sister.

First, I must collect my thoughts before I go through with this post. As I move on in my life, I’m finding that my family, is the crux of where most of my pain comes.

After all that I did for my sister in our last family debacle, creating a response to our aunt that was so intricate and detailed it allowed my sister the upper hand which, in turn, settled the feathers a bit, I got a huge stab in the back by her….I’m reeling.

Today, in an email, I sent my sister a link to a great message from a Pastor from a church near me that I’ve come to like listening to.  In this certain message, he was speaking about something my sister has been dealing with.  Now, my sister is a Christian as well, so I know that this is not me Bible Beating.  However, I’m on a new more positive path to meeting new people who share the same beliefs as myself and I’m open to listening to messages from other churches.  I shared this message with my sister because I thought it would relate directly with her.

I got this response back from her:

I know you are excited about [meeting new people], and I know that I should be a better sister, but I am not really at a good place regarding relationships, and if you always talk about it you may start seeing me back away, especially since I have had no luck on the [certain Christian online dating site] (I started to think it is me).

It is nothing personal with you, I know you are happy to be going out and meeting new people (that’s a good thing), but that is why sometimes I don’t talk to some of my girlfriends is because that is all they start talking about is the guy that’s in their life and then their world revolves around that person, and they have no sympathy for the single gal. I know you have been a single gal for awhile so I am sure you understand.

I hope that does not hurt  your feelings, but I felt like I just needed to be honest, and I was going to tell you yesterday in person, but you seemed rushed to leave to meet mom and dad.  I hope that your friendship’s do turn into finding someone (you deserve it!), but I just ask that it is not all of your conversation with me.

First, it is NOT all of my conversation. My conversation is more along the lines of how people of faith have influenced my thoughts.  I’m actually trying hard to see where it is all of my conversation!  And honestly, why SHOULDN’T I always talk about something positive in my life such as meeting positive people, etc.?

I’m telling you my jaw is hitting the floor with all this.

Second, I think the bolded part, is what disturbs me the most.  Unless I’m coming from left field about this, she is basically saying “screw anyone who is in a happy relationship or in happy friendships and how dare they show that they are happy in front of me”.  I mean if someone is in a relationship why the HECK can’t their world revolve around them? I didn’t realize this was Planet My Sister where she made the rules?

You know, my mother has hurt me a lot in my past with similar comments as this and at some point during those hurtful moments, I honestly thought I deserved it.  But now I’m wondering if these two really just don’t ever want to see me happy?  I would never say that is for sure but I don’t know what to think anymore!  I’ve since forgiven her for alot of her painful words and have moved on.  But this, I really don’t know what to think of this but I know that I didn’t deserve this.

Or I’m just to sensitive and wear my dumb heart on my sleeve. But I know, in my heart, that if the tables were turned, if I were in her shoes, I would NEVER EVER, have said what she did in that email.  I would never have selfishly tried to bring her down.  I would have kept it to myself.

So unless, I’m completely off here, what I get from this is that if my sister sees me going in a positive direction, or actually being happy for once in my life, she does not want me to SHARE it with her, whether I give the Glory is to GOD or not.  She wants me to not talk about or be positive because SHE is in a bad place?

So, then, basically, she doesn’t want a relationship with me because my very presence may emit positivity?

Someone tell me I’m wrong in thinking that is the most SELFISH thing I’ve ever heard!

On top of how hurtful this all is, it’s amazing how she decides to see my positivity as gloating?  And being that I’ve lost a lot of weight and now weigh less than her, by a lot of pounds, just my very presence, as I mentioned above, is gloating.

I have been betrayed by the last of these people who I only share blood with.

I’m appalled…..yet, I’m so sad for where she is right now….so very sad but I refuse to be pulled into her Misery Buffet.


Please leave your dramatics at the door….


I just want a few hours in church, listening to His word, drama free of family crud. 

I will admit that I was a bit perturbed that I couldn’t even start my time in church without my mother telling me that I should leave her alone and not be concerned for her and her struggles.  This stemmed from her sharing with my sister and I even more news on how her step mother is not only disrespecting her but now my father.   NOW….that crosses many lines because regardless if my father is developing Alzheimer’s he deserves every ounce of respect from all in his house that his hard work created.

So, she doesn’t want us to say our opinon or be conernced……fine….it is done.

A new friend recently told me I must surround myself with positive, faithful people.  My sister is super positive and tries to share it.  My sister is a woman of faith and loves God.  My mother, she lets so many people walk all over her and then complains that she carries their burdens.  She is so hard to love sometimes, even though I do.  Her life experiences have burdened her tremendously, however, I don’t feel that I should carry that burden she  makes us carry with her, anymore and she refuses to give it up to God.  It’s almost like she WANTS to carry all these burdens because its easier to make others feel more sorry for her.

I’m trying to close some negative chapters in my life.  It may be time to abide by her request to just “leave me alone”, even if that includes breaking the interactions. 
I need to build my faith in GOD more and no longer rely on my family to lift me up.  My mother can’t give to me what God does.  God has come through for me so much, sometimes I miss when He does because I’m so wrapped up in dealing with this family drama.

No more….I am throwing all I can into building my Faith in God, teaching my son to build his faith in God, and surrounding myself with believers, which will strengethen my already weakened soul.

I love my mother, I love my father, but I can do nothing for them, anymore.   I can only pray for them, and walk away.


“The idea of Summmer…and all things….HOT…”

Yeah, I just couldn’t think of a title but oh how much I love that Snowman!

If you are reading this, you might want to make sure you have the time and grab a coffee and pull up a chair.  This might be a long update.

So, this morning, I drop off The Boy at before care and the room is all dark and every single child is staring at the tv and singing along to our favorite Snowman….

I proudly announced that his voice and that “Summer” song is my ring tone…I have no shame!  I love that Snowman!

Happy Anniversary!  You registered on 1 year ago! Thanks for flying with us. Keep up the good blogging!

Yes, it has been 1 year that I’ve had this WordPress blog open. It doesn’t seem that long yet, it kinda does. I think that may be because of the massive amount of writing I’ve put into this thing and how much of my life history I’ve revealed.

4th Grade Project

THearstCastle-712894his month is 4th grade project month.  Apparently, 4th graders are no longer tied down to doing just a Mission located here in California.  At least my kid’s school isn’t requiring a California Mission.  We get to choose any California landmark we desire.  I decided….oh I mean THE BOY….decided Hearst Castle in San Simeon, CA.  How the HELL I’m going to make a model of this thing now has me worried that I may have bit off more than I can chew…but it’s THE BOY’s project…right? It doesn’t reflect at ALL on me..right?


But regardless, I will try to create the front of the Castle, some trees in front then the Neptune Pool.  The pool I already have an idea of how it’s going to be made.  It’s the Castle I’m worried about.  But supply shopping will soon commence at the Walmart and Micheals.

It’s due May 7, so I have a good month to do this….ahem..I mean THE BOY has a good month to do his project…


I’m still, miraculously, losing weight.  There are ups and downs.  I got on the scale one week and gained 8 lbs, then got on it again the next week and lost the 8 and a few more.  So it’s hard to gauge what will happen but it doesn’t matter.  As long as I can still run on that treadmill, breathe when going up stairs and fit into a size 8.

And that I NEVER see that scale tell me 245 lbs ever again.

I have not visited the clinic nor got an injection for a month now.  I’ve also been completely off the appetite suppressants.  However, I may return to the clinic and pay off the last $200 for another 10 weeks soon.  After, that 10 weeks, if I’m diligent, that should be it for me on losing the initial weight.  Then it’s maintenance from here until I die.  So I will continue to remain 95% carb free, for the rest of my life.  I will constantly monitor portions and make better choices.  I will forever keep my exercise level high.

LilySlim - (hgaY)

But as of this date, I have lost a total of 71 lbs. That is more than what The Boy weighs!  And, I’m not longer in the “Obese” section of the BMI charts. I’m simply “overweight” now…..

So apparently a size 6/8 and looking like this….is overweight.  But hey, at least I’m not “Obese” anymore!

Yeah...I hate selfies...ugh...

Yeah…I hate selfies…ugh…


Well surprise surprise!!..…a family member has officially been cut off and guess what.…IT ISN’T ME!

In the past it would have been me considering some of the crap I’ve pulled.  But it isn’t, (BTW, the relationship between myself and my mother is GREATLY improved.  She still sometimes says things that I have to roll my eyes at but I’m able to do just that and it’s all good).

My aunt, my mother’s sister, is officially cut off, monetarily and emotionally, with anything to do with myself, my sister and our mother and father.  There will no longer be any interaction between us and her.  If she has the gall to call my mother up on the future asking for money or whatever, my mother has been instructed by myself and my sister that she is to not answer the phone, lest she desires to feels our wrath.

Believe me when I say that this decision was tossed around a lot and has lots of merit behind it.  My aunt has burned her last bridge with these latest shenanigans she pulled.

My mother’s other sister, has also cut their sister off in the capacity listed above.  I am actually not going to go into detail because, even though it included a possible legal battle and my aunt just being a manipulator and pathological liar, it is very convoluted and honestly, to embarrassing to even admit here.Who opened the closet

I know one thing is for sure regarding my family.  I am REALLY sick and tired of new “skeletons” that keep coming out of our family closet every so often.  With this new debacle, even more skeletons have come out and honestly, I don’t know who or WHAT to believe anymore.

I’m just glad that my son isn’t near some of the “skeletons” and I just want to be done with it all.

I so desire to shake my family tree of all its skeletons and bury their bones forever.


Life will always continue to surprise me and people surprising me is no exception.  As my aunt has surprised us all by betraying the family, my ex-husband surprised me to the point of humility.

Wait…does anyone know what temperature it is in HELL!?


So, back in December, I decided I needed to go back to court to get the ex to pay a bit more child support only because, according to our current incomes, he should be paying about $400 more a month.  So I got that started, got my previous attorney to work on it and got it filed.  Earlier this week, my attorney tells me that my ex got his own lawyer and wants to negotiate….ugh.

I think the worst. I mean what is there to negotiate?! If he thinks he can weasel back into The Boy’s life after 8 years of nothing just so he can pay less in child support….screw that!  I know that is the worst possible scenario, but that is where my mind went and, apparently, it didn’t need to.

Long story short, I spoke with my ex yesterday and he agrees to all that I have requested, which is the higher monthly child support payment and the $600 he owes me from a washing machine we bought back when we were married that he was ordered to pay and never did.

I think my jaw literally fell to the floor.

Am I being tricked?

Is he lying?

Did I land in Bizzarro World?!?!


Well, no I don’t believe he is lying.  I think he knows that if it goes to court, a judge would “hand him his ass on a platter” as a new friend of mine so poetically and precisely put it.  I would assume, he is just laying down the sword and realizing his defeat.

I know that gloating and pride are not qualities that God promotes and being a women of faith I would rather not gloat but I have to say that for the first time in 10 years, I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted off me and that this particular fight is just about over and I may have won.  Now, I won’t be so naïve as to think that something else might not come up as life has many plot twists but my ex only has 8 more years to be obligated to pay child support and I believe that this issue of an increase might come up one more time before the 8 years are up, but until then, I am the victor.


So that ended rather amicably and a HUGE weight has been lifted off me because this Boy is getting SUPER expensive what with torn jeans every few weeks, new shoes every month and hockey gear…I barely have money to get myself $1.99 Suave shampoo!


  • I miss Disneyland visits so much.  I don’t see a renewal of a pass anytime in the future.
  • The Walking Dead, Season 4 is over…and if you don’t know what I’m talking about, that’s ok.  If you do and haven’t seen it…don’t get mad at me when I say I would turn into EXACTLY  the same kind of person Rick has turned into.  And yes, I would have ripped that guys throat out with my teeth…if he was attacking my kid and double yes, I would have stabbed my kid’s would be attacker 50 million times.  Rick did exactly what I would have done, to protect my child.
  • New Season of Game of Thrones starts Sunday!
  • So! Who is taking me to go see Captain America! The Boy doesn’t want to see it but I do! Who’s coming with me?!?!


Lastly, I would like to give a shout out and I hope that this person doesn’t mind me giving him a shout out.

At one point in my life, just after losing my best friend, I honestly thought that God did not intend for me to develop any kinds of friendships.  I couldn’t find anyone that matched the connection that she and I had.  I believe that we were soul mates but not in the romantic sense.  More in a sisterly bond sense, yet we shared not one drop of blood.

However, along the way I have run into some truly fascinating people who are genuine, kind and willing to make a connection.  Some have stuck around in my life (cue in a wonderful couple who live up north who I think are the best EVER! And yes, I will give Elder Scrolls a chance).  But for the most part, it’s been a lonely life that I have built many walls around.  So, to make a new friend is a huge positive for me.


I would just like to tell this person, and you know who you are, thank you SOOO much for giving me a chance, being patient and breaking down the walls I’ve built up around me.  I know that as individuals, we run into many people on a daily basis, not knowing anything about them.  We affect them by our actions and you have affected me tremendously.  You are the positive friendship that my little weak faith needed, in God and in people.

Thank you so much for listening to me this past week.  You have NO idea how just being able to get things off my chest has helped me.  I greatly appreciate all the effort you’ve put into getting to know me.  You are a truly blessed person and the friendship we are building is important to me.

And with that, until the next time, that is all for now.


And THIS is why I don’t trust humans….

I was out of WP for a while but have slowly returned.  At one point many months back, I posted for BlackBox Warnings.

I have just found Calamity Rae and her post about Le Clown who was well known and held high in the WordPress community, has been featured on Freshly Pressed and interviewed by WP themselves.

After reading ALL the stories and seeing many come out of the woodworks with similar stories as Calamity’s, it turns out this person was a phony, a predator and an all around horrible sexual creep.

At first, I thought it safe to assume this person was just someone who says what they want and didn’t know where humor can turn into harassment.  Usually I ignore those types of people.  But if you go to read Calamity Rae’s account, it is disturbing.  Not only was he not who he says he was but he was targeting and harassing many.  I had a few email interacts with Le Clown when I had my BBW post published but I never conversed with him more than talking about my post, when I will have it done and such.  I never saw the need to have interaction past that.

What really boils me is when he begs Calamity, “oh please don’t out me, think of my family….”….think of your FAMILY…why? YOU certainly weren’t thinking of them.  As much as it’s awful there has to be collateral damage involved, this is what happens when one makes certain choices.  There are consequences and those consequences will not only affect you but those around you.  This is why I am always saying “think before you speak/act”.

What frightens me the most is that I posted in BBW and now, that post and the whole BBW, is gone or at least not visible to me anymore.  It was about my relationship with my mother which, since then, has actually improved tremendously.  I think it was selfish of him (on top of his other abhorring qualities) to shut us all out of our entries in the BBW, if that is what happened.  If there is a way to see our posts in the BBW then I would like to know.

It is just situations like this that make me shun the human race.  No one on this PLANET can be trusted!

I’m really just so sick and tired of people like Le Clown and the control that they continue have.  My grandfather had it over my mother, my sister, even myself at some point and just about every other woman in our family.  Even 1 ½ years after his death, he still has the hold on us, through situations that snowballed because of his actions and rolled over even after his death.  Hence, he still controls us from the friggin grave!  There are emotions and feelings that will never mend even if he died 1000 deaths.

I’m sick and tired of humans who want to control and manipulate then laugh as they turn your soul into a sniveling pile of dung goo.  Some people rise from it, as I believe Calamity and many others who have spoken out have, but some people drag themselves further into the abyss of control and usually take others with them.

And this is why, I will never love again.  It is to risky to trust someone who is probably living another online life anyway.

Has there ever been a time you were truly happy?


My mother presented this question to me last night during a phone conversation and it actually got me to thinking about how I could truly and honestly answer that question.

I’m half way through my life and at this point I can honestly say, after taking some time to lay in bed and think about it, that I have never, ever been genuinely happy, ever.

Now, there were times I was content and maybe even close to happy.  However, looking back on those times, I realized the happiness was coming from a time in my life that was not true reality, more like a House of Cards that eventually all came crumbling down.  It was not real.

The one time I remember actually being content enough to borderline true happiness was the last three months I was pregnant, back in early 2004.  Weird, I know, to think the third trimester of a very LARGE pregnancy would make any women feel happy, but I was.  I had been taken off work by my doctor, due to a painful gallstone which eventually prompted the removal of my whole gallbladder years later.  During that time, I just watched my food intake and was able to keep the pain under control.


My Abyssinian/Siamese mix I had back in 2004


My Abyssinian baby boy back in 2004

Those days in the first three months of 2004 were peaceful, calm and quite serene.  I would get up, not rushed, not fatigued and cuddle with my cats, then maybe go eat something and walk around the mall a bit, or just sit at home and play a video game. I felt no urgency to be somewhere, no worry about paying bills.  Money was actually flowing in pretty good at that time because I was getting a disability check from my employer, using PTO time for being off work (so I was still getting a paycheck) and getting $1400 a month from AFLAC for disability.  So I was basically getting a paycheck and then some.  I was truly content and seemingly without a care in the world.

Thinking about it now, as I mentioned before, I was in a dream world, a world that wasn’t truly reality.  I remember reality hitting VERY hard after the baby was born.  The reality of a divorce, suddenly becoming a single mother and dealing with being a mother while living under my own mother’s roof (cliff notes version, a mother can’t be a mother while still living in their own mother’s house…impossible).

But to answer that initial question, have I ever been truly happy, the answer would be universally NO.  I’m constantly in a state of agitation and worry.  I’m constantly feeling pain of some sort, whether in my heart, through my emotions or actual physical pain.  Thankfully the latter is much less since my 67 lb weight loss however, the 67 lb weight loss just adds to the psychological obsession that I have to make sure I never gain the weight back again.  It also means the other forms of pain are only emphasized.

I know it is all me. I know we all create our own paths and our own happiness and I’m not saying that I have moments, and by moments, I mean literally, just seconds, of content-ness.  (yeah, I made that word up, deal)

For instance, each evening, when I’m done with cooking dinner, doing my workout, cleaning up the apartment a bit, making sure The Boy is bathed and teeth brushed, telling The Boy to bath and brush his teeth 5-10 times in a row, getting The Boy to bed, making sure I’M bathed and I’m actually sitting down on the couch with my tablet and my cat, ready to crumble into a short state of vegetation because I realize I have to go to bed to start the routine all over again, sometimes, in that short state of vegetation, I will have a moment of content.  The cat helps.  Pets are truly therapy.IMG_20131210_222227

I have never really strived to reach pure happiness because I really don’t think it exists.  I know some say being a parent brings happiness and I won’t deny that it does, sometimes, but sometimes, for me, the most being a parent and being a single parent has brought me is the realization that my sanity can be pushed just a little more each day to the brink of utter and massive detonation.

starsToday, I did reach 30 stars on my Starbucks Rewards Program.  Now, I’m officially a Starbucks Gold Member (as long as I keep purchasing Starbucks for the next 12 months and keep the stars coming).  In a way, that granted me a bit of joy.  I do enjoy my Starbucks Pike Blend (never the frothy foo-foo coffee drinks…just straight Pike for me!)

fav-broccoli-cheddar-soup-doublewide_desktopHappiness is different for each individual person.  I, personally, thought losing the most weight I’ve ever lost in my life and being able to actually see my ribs would make me happy.  SURPRISE SURPRISE!  I’m still miserable.  But hey, at least my feet don’t hurt any more and I can squeeze into size 8 skinny jeans!  But in return, I never get to enjoy a Bread Bowl filled with Broccoli and Cheese soup from Panera Bread, ever…ever again.

So, I wonder, if you sit and think about the initial question, “Have you ever been TRULY happy?”, first be honest with the part of the question that says “TRULY”.  Then try and tell me you’ve been there.  You’ll see things different when the rose-colored glasses are removed and you notice that everything is shit brown.