Do I even exist?

I’m finding it hard to get anybody to pay attention to me lately? I feel like that photo in Back to the Future where Marty’s siblings are disappearing slowly.  That is me. I’m slowly just not existing.

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I can’t get any affection out of my kid anymore since he’s an oh so big teen now……yeah.

I haven’t felt the love of a man since….well I could say since my marriage ended in 2004 but that man didn’t really love me so technically, never. I’ve never felt love returned to me.

Just the other day, I told a co-worker, after she suggested to me I take “friends” up to a place here, that I didn’t have any friends.  I swear, the look she gave me was both terrified and amused.  “How could one not have one single friend“, I’m sure is what she thought in her mind.  Well, come shake my hand, that would be me. My mother sucks up all the energy I have and it’s enough that I try and go on outtings with my son, without including her and have to hear the “whoa is me, I can’t do anything becuase I can’t take your father anywhere”. It’s enough my own son takes me “away” from her…I can’t imagine what grief she’d give me if a lesser important person did such.  So, I just accept not having one friend.

Days meld into each other as I see my son growing and moving farther from me.  The inevitable is soon upon me….

I will soon be non-existent to anyone except the cats when I become the Cat Lady.

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Time is a cruel thing

As I reach the mid of my 40th year on this Earth, I realize that youth is no more.  I could still feel those rare remnants of it in my late 20’s or maybe I just didn’t recognize that time was marching on because I was stuck in the drama that was my life.  I did still feel it in my mid-thirties but that was due to weight loss.  I’m fat again never to be thin like I was 3 years ago due to many different health reasons, so youth….is disappearing.

20120422-142821My body is failing me.  I will soon be developing either degenerative disc disease or arthritis in my spine which pretty much keeps me from any of the weight lifting and hardcore cardio on the elliptical I did 3 years ago.  My thyroid is shutting down causing said fatness and I feel like an ugly round butter bean.  I was on such a high, 3 years ago. But the higher you climb, the harder you fall and psychically, I fell long and hard with no sight of getting back to where I was in sight

I only have memories, memories of a time where I could breathe, literally.  Memories of when I could smile.  I could smile even THROUGH the vast loneliness that consumed me, even while looking my best.

Youth is gone…..

I was just told by my mother a few days ago that the Frontal Temporal Disease my father of 64 had, is now full fledged Alzheimer’s.  This is something that began developing when he was 57…..57!   His brain, after a recent scan and compared to the last scan done 3 years ago, shows the signs of dark voids that most MRI scans of Alzheimer patients will show.

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Not the actual scan but this is a good comparison

This both pisses me off and makes me sad.  My father has done nothing but work and work and work to stay with my mother, to uphold her standards of living, to keep us, since I was a child 40 years ago.  He didn’t divorce or leave her because he didn’t want to lose my sister and I as he lost his two children before from his previous marriage. Now I won’t claim to know all the reasoning behind his life with her. I only know what I see on the outside. And granted, his previous wife was a bitch from hell and took his kids (my older brother and sister) but that is neither here nor there.

His quality of life is no longer.  His youth is most definitely gone.  He can no longer speak or interact.  He does not react well to being outside his room where he just sits and watches T.V.  As of lately, it seems his brain can’t process small types of crisis such as, “I have the slight urge to go to the bathroom but I’m not dying” but his brain says “if I don’t go to the bathroom now, I’ll lose my mind and wail and scream“….the wailing and screaming he is starting to do more. That is very hard to see.  My mother, is diving into a pool of depression and frustration that she really isn’t becoming a good caretaker and the burden falls on my sister and I, but mostly my sister, who is starting to lose her own mind.  I sense that especially after a tear filled weeping conversation I had with her on the phone.  That is abnormal because this is a person who NEVER shows emotion and when I mean never…I mean…I have NEVER seen her cry past maybe once or twice in her 35 years of life.  The weight my mother puts on her/us and then how she repays us with ugly words and treating us like crap….I have little respect for her, very little.  She gave me life….and that is the extent of the decency I will show her.

I sometimes wonder, if this is God’s cruel idea of a joke

You are beautiful

No, maybe you are not.

Maybe there is just something so ugly about you that everyone around you is enjoying the company of others while you drown alone in a sea of black.

I was just told by my boss, who is going through a nasty divorce anhump-day-inspiration-100813-04d who is not even a year separated, has a girlfriend. He volunteered this information to me as it really isn’t my direct business but he’s a sharer.  This is a man 8 years older than me and just fresh from a divorce.

Apparently, I’m an Elephant Beast.

I left my job for the day in tears off to a weekend of loneliness.  It’s been 15 years almost to the day since my divorce and I haven’t even had so much as a glance from anyone of the opposite sex.  Just random hook ups which is not the same.  Even when I lost 70 lbs….I was nothing to anyone.

So why the title?

Well, it’s simple. That phrase is something I have never, nor will ever hear anyone tell me in my entire life.

Because I’m not as the title suggest. I’m just….The Nothing.

Ok, so you will be on 525 calories a day….

I started this blog back in 2013 when I started a long and endless journey of weight loss. I chose the medical route but not surgery.  I got vitamin injections and medication.  I also cut out carbs completely and stopped fast food entirely.  It worked and over the span of a little over a year, I lost 70 lbs.  Spring of 2014 was the biggest highlight of this journey.  I was in a size 8, I was happy and even took a fun trip with my son to Hearst Castle.  We had an awesome and memorable time that even he still reminisces about.

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This is no joke at all and not far from the truth.

But as they say, when you rise high, you fall far.  And I did.  I do realize that this is a lifetime thing, being conscious of weight and what is going in my mouth but really sometimes it seems so exhausting.  I do firmly believe that thin women, who don’t have the natural genetic ability of a super fast metabolism, literally eat nothing.

I will be 40 years old in exactly two months (shit….) and I’ve gained 43 pounds of the initial 70 I lost.  The feeling that comes with those pounds is utter devastation and just plain feeling sick, sluggish and tired.  It can’t really be described.  My stomach is bloated and everything feels puffy even down to my toes and ankles.  Even my fingers look like little wrinkled sausages.  It literally feels like I was ripped apart and put back together wrong.

Now that I have finalized my move here to Idaho and I am getting settled in my apartment, staying on top of my kid and his schooling, settling into my job and finances, I decided to do something about this.  I started a Super Colon Cleanse and an Antioxidant Detox as well, to just flush shit out…literally.

I also visited a clinic not to different than the first clinic I started this journey at.  They give the vitamin shots which is a cocktail mixture of B-12, B-6, Folic Acid, B Complex, and Vitamin C.  They also offer the appetite suppressants but they also offered something else ….HCG.  I hear they work but have to be careful when they get stopped which is after about 3 months of a weekly shot.  The weight can climb back on quickly.  I tried it for about a month when I first arrived here in June and they worked.  I want to start the program fresh again and finish it out.tumblr_inline_na05welx6q1qdr3t3

Honestly, I just want to de-bloat and get rid of this general feeling of being disconnected from my own body.  Everything fits me tight and I’m walking around feeling like a stuffed sausage, with glubs of fat rolling out of my clothes.  Speaking of clothes…I have none that fit right so I’m sure I look ridiculous at work.  It really does disgust me.

I can’t go back to the workout routine I had before which consisted of 30 minutes on the elliptical and 20 minutes of weight lighting done 4-5 days a week.  My herniated disc injury and low back weakness won’t allow for that.   I can barely do Power Walking a bit uphill on a treadmill.  I’m going to try and fit in 20 minutes on the Elliptical 2 times a week.  But if I do anymore, my body begins to hurt.

But if my output is going to be greatly reduced, then that means my input must also do that same.

SO we get to the title of this entry.  At my initial visit to the clinic yesterday, I was told exactly that. “Your daily calorie intake will be 525”

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That has to be the lowest I’ve ever been told to intake!!  She explained it was because the HCG shots do something with the fat cells or something like that. I should probably research before I dive in but I’ll be fine.  I know my body and I know what works and what doesn’t.

She did give me a grocery list that would embrace this 525 calorie a day diet (still reading that blows my mind….).  It’s a lot of fruit, oatmeal, yogurt and water water water and just a bit more water.  I’m going to break out my Nutribullet again and start my smoothies with a bit of Whey protein in them along with the fruit.

So the conclusion is this.  In my world, to not be fat, I must intake nothing of substance.  I must move everyday (I can deal with that).  I must also become obsessed about food and what goes down my gullet.

Fun times….

Early morning in Idaho

Something woke me up at 5am, an un-Godly hour for me. I laid in bed staring at the wall for 30 minutes then decided on coffee.

As I was making it desired coffee, I realized this was my first early Idaho morning. I sat on the balcony in 50 degrees and my senses were telling me that this was a different morning cold that California.  The air is fresh, clean.  The sky is otherworldly.  It’s still dark but the it is a radiant navy blue to my right and turning lavender as the sun rises to my left. And I’m thinking this is why I’m alive.

And even as I finish this post, the sky grows a lighter purple, the stars disappear and my heart gets heavy again, realizing I’m sharing this with no one.

God did not intend humans to be alone but apparently He intended that for me.

Hello Darkness, my old friend….

I want today to be opposite day. Therefore, that title reflects what my emotions are not feeling at this exact moment.spongebob_squarepants__opposite_day_by_masterof4elements-d79856c

And from what I’ve learned in the 38 years I’ve been on this planet, those feelings will probably change within the next few moments. But for now, let’s revel in them.

I’m back in the proverbial saddle. Or trying to be anyway. I have brushed up my looks again, I’ve got makeup on my eyes (well eyeliner and mascara anyway) and I’m back into the clothes I feel good in. I’m trying…yet again.lonely,text,quotes,loneliness,typography,my,point,of,,view-bab1b35315564a3da5fbafba4550c8b6_h

And what has the cycle been? Why the fire in my belly to try to look half way beautiful…..? I think we can all assume why and the elimination of LONLINESS is the key.

Humans crave other humans. Whether it be to hate another human, to love another human, or just to appreciate the way another human looks. I would like to say that my sole reason for existing on this planet (hardy har har, God, very funny….) is to fall into all of these categories as there is always a thin line between love and hate for me.

I have just made a bold move, not only moments before typing this, that gave me a gushing wave of confidence that I haven’t felt in YEARS.  And the smile that resulted in my bold offer (of a phone number) just about sent me over the edge.

Yes, I need that much acceptance, deal with it.

UntitledAnyway, we shall see. I’m tired of my roads all leading to dead ends or four way Stops that no one wants to go next at.

I’m just done with that and I’m taking my camera and photographing all that I can (because hey, I’m actually good at that photography shit).

Until then…I’ll wait for the rejection, which always surely tends to come.

We are only here for a short time….

That is what I keep telling myself…’This is temporary…This is temporary”

It may seem that I left this blog by the wayside and perhaps I have.

In the weight department, I have been at a steady and maintained weight loss of 75lbs. Sometimes it goes up…then I bring it right back down. I am now conscious of when I start to gain a pound or two and make sure that it comes back down. As of right now…I’m up a bit but I will bring it right back down. I have been keeping exercise as a regular part of my routine at 3-4 times a week, 30 minutes on the elliptical or bike and weight lifting. I am pretty much carb free but sneak the occasional dinner roll or fry here and there. But 98% of my food choices do not include carbs in any form. I am going to finish up my last two weeks at the medical clinic and then I’m going to switch to another facility which is just around the corner from my office building and I can visit for my vitamin injections during my lunch hour.  I want to start fresh at a new place, from my current weight.  I still have about 30 pounds to lose although I may try and go as far as losing another 50 lbs bringing me down to about 120 lbs at 5 feet 4 inches height.  I started this journey May 4, 2013 and will never look back.  After a year, I will start fresh and these will be my new goals:

Height:  5 ft, 4 in
Current Weight:  178 lb  (give or take)
Healthy weight range:  117-146 lb
Current BMI:  31
Healthy BMI range:  20-25

MjAxMy1lYjAyZjhlYThkZWIyNGUwWork has not been so good.  I am currently dealing with a boss who yells, argues and screams at me, on the phone, or to anyone he’s talking to.  I’ve documented it with H.R. and that is all I can really do.  He also burps all the time, farts in front of me (his office constantly smells like butt) and I literally have to leave the area when he eats lunch because he’s SO loud with his chomping and slurping that it makes me physically ill.  I made the mistake once of walking into his office while he was eating lunch and let me just say, the spaghetti sauce was ALL over his mouth….all…over.  And by the way, this is a 58 year old man.  He is disgusting.  My solution, since I need a paycheck and can’t quit, is to completely shut down any interaction with him.  Basically, I avoid him at all costs.  Communication is mostly through emails.  It’s working out, for the most part.

But the worst was about 1 ½ months ago, when somehow, an un-authorized person snuck into the buildings and stole 3 wallets straight from purses sitting on cubicles.  My wallet was one of them.  I’m very disappointed in how my employer handled the situation.  But I have to put up with all of this because eating is not an option.  I will say it really takes its toll on me.  The stress is beginning to affect my stomach.  I’m pretty sure I have IBS but I need to go to my Dr. to get him to diagnose me but from what I’ve read, I’m sure that’s it.  On my own, I’m starting probiotics and cutting back on the coffee…(*sorta* teehee).  But my appetite and eating is pretty much null and void.  I have no desire for food as I used to over a year ago.  But that’s fine with me.

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My farm….

I have become mildly obsessed with Farmville 2: Country Escape.  Yes, yes I have. I’m farming and harvesting and creating yummy foods such as cakes, pies and fish that sometimes just playing the game brings my appetite back! It’s funny.  Anyway, look up cpamorain@gmail.com on Google Games and that would be me. It should be listed as one of my games that I’m getting achievements from.

Rejection-Investors-Startup--790x391I have officially given up on finding someone, a companion to walk with me and beside me for the rest of my life.  After putting myself out there for a bit…the rejection, even after becoming physically attractive (or so I thought the weight loss would help) is unbearable.  I was never one to react positively from rejection.Plain Jane

I’ve had a series of revelations. There was a time that I firmly believed that my over weight issue was what kept me unattractive and plain.  I have since come to find out, it was never the weight.  I will admit to being a “Plain Jane” and nothing that turns heads.  Hell, I’ll be lucky if I can get another human being to even acknowledge that I exist.  Beyond that, there is something about my personality that makes others turn away.  I am not all alone for no reason.  I should wear a sign that says “does not play well with others”.  The weight is gone and still, I’m a nobody.

I barely exist to anyone.  My son just sees me as a bank to make sure he has what he needs and a disciplinary who stops him from having “fun”.  Although I firmly believe that I am the coolest mom on the planet.   Just recently, he started becoming interested in Superman comics and we found a great Comic Book store near our apartment that I take him to (when he acts good) and I get him comics to his hearts desire.  Now tell me, how many mothers will get down on their hands and knees digging through boxes of back issues of Superman comics in a local comic book store, to find the right Superman comic for their 10 year old son.  We are not many, us cool moms.  I love it though.  I’ve always been a geek at heart.

Mario KartI also visited just about every McDonald’s in the area JUST to get The Boy his last Mario Kart toys from there.  They were the Happy Meal toys and he was only  missing three.  I found two out of the three he was missing.  I couldn’t find Donkey Kong.Beanie Babys

I will admit…I did get some of the Beanie Babies (the “Girl” toy) for myself…they were so cute!

But this all proves this theory: That kid…is my entire reason for existing…my entire…..reason.

My parents barely know I exist beyond giving them their most precious grandchild. I’m just waiting for my father’s impending progression of Alzheimer’s to finally kick in and he won’t know who I am, at all.  Until then, he just can’t talk.  But both my parents pretty much ignore me more now than they ever did.   My younger sister….*sigh*…her and I are just not on the same page about morals and standards in life and are having serious personality conflicts.  It really does break my heart but she is the most stubborn and unforgiving person I know.  She also needs to think before she speaks just as a common human courtesy.  I also think she resents me for my weight loss but that is just speculation.  She is going down the path of physical self sabotage and gaining SO much weight and I worry for her health.  She is pre-diabetic, has thyroid issues and back problems.  She really needs to lose about 100 lbs, for health reason alone!   I know that she holds some resentment towards me just by being in the same room with her because we’ve both been fat our whole lives.  This journey is a lifetime change and she is all about the “3-day cleanse” diets.  That doesn’t work for us.  It’s a lifetime thing.  My older sister, well I never had a real relationship with her as we didn’t grow up together.  I have no friends and barely know a handful of relatives.

liar_liar_pants_on_fireI tried the dating thing and it just didn’t work. There was always someone better than me or, as I’ve come to realize, most men, especially the so called “Christian” ones, are all liars.  The amount of liars and hypocrites I’ve run into in the approximately 8 months I’ve tried dating is outstanding and absolutely incredible.  Guys that say “I’m looking for a Christian woman, with standards and values……” then turn around and want to jump in the sack…uh…no….?  Or you get the ones who really like that I’m a sports fanatic and would rather go to a good baseball or hockey event than shop for shoes, then drop me like I have leprosy to pursue someone who, surprise…..surprise, is eye candy for them to hang off their arm.  Pathetic…. Men, are a lost cause, especially at this age.  I’m done with them and their lies, arrogance and hypocrisy.

And after that evaluation, I really will be brutally honest and admit that for me, death cannot come fast enough.

Now let me explain that statement.

The Bible tells us that Christians will be with Jesus the instant they die.

In 2 Corinthians 5:8 the Apostle Paul even longed for death because he knew it would take him into the presence of Jesus.  He said,  “We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord. “

In Luke 23:43 Jesus tells the thief dying on the cross, “Verily I say unto thee, Today shalt thou be with Me in Paradise.”

I just want to be with Jesus, where there is no pain, physical or mental or emotional.  This life is temporary and full of heartache and sorrow and sometimes, it’s a bit to much.  But I do not condone murder, so when I say that, I mean that getting older only carries for me regret that I didn’t live my younger years with more wisdom.  I sometimes feel I have nothing to teach my son yet, on the flip side, I have everything to teach him because of my mistakes that I learned from.  I know that he alone, is the only reason I exist on this planet.  Well him and the fear of the eternal consequences of murder (because, yes, suicide is murder and God gave us each our paths for a reason).

So please, no comments like “you need to seek counseling blah blah blah”.  I’m not going to off myself.  I just can’t wait to be in a happier place when this life walk is over.  The end of this physical life in this physical skin will be such a welcome to me.

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I used to blame God for my loneliness and be petrified of dying, but I can’t feel that way anymore.  It was I who made my choices. The only “blame” that can go towards God is that He gave humans the ability to choose right from wrong.  He only shows us the paths and we must choose to walk the proper one.  I did not  with the choices I made, out of rebellion and spite and now I suffer the consequences by dealing with loneliness and the harsh reality that for however many more years I have on this planet, they will be utterly and totally, alone.

So, in essence, since my last posts in here of our wonderful day trip to Hearst Castle to my constant battle with loneliness, it hasn’t gotten much better.  There are good days and bad days.  There are days when my family really get on my last nerve and I’m done with them.  But for the most part, I spend most of my time with The Boy and just prepare myself for the day when he will jump on the bandwagon, and also reject me somewhere down the line.  Then I will be utterly and truly alone and my battle between living and being patience for God’s time for Him to call me to His Kingdom, will truly begin.

Or, it might not end up that way because I have also learned that I am not the one making the path.  I just follow what is right and how believe.  I will enjoy my son and teach him the best I can.  He starts school a week from Monday and will be entering the 5th grade.  I’m taking him to a Dodger game on Sunday as a “End of the Summer” last fun thing to do and a night at a fun restaurant in Pasadena where you throw your peanut shells on the floor.  I’ve already been to two Dodger games this summer, one with my sister and my kid and one with my sister, kid, and my parents and I think I just want to be with my kid now.  Sometimes, they are all to much for me to handle and my patience is pushed to it’s limits.

But I constantly do question one thing about my faith.  If Jesus died for us and forgave us, why do the sins of our past hurt us in our present?  I guess I should talk to a pastor about that but I try to figure things out on my own.

“Laugh it up, Fuzzball…”

Apparently someone is laughing at me.

Maybe one of my multiple personalities is laughing at me.

All I know is that I was destined to be someones laughing stock.  I can’t help but think, it’s God.

I am sad today. I had to make the decision to not pursue a friendship with someone new.  My lot in life is to deal with my family, until death.  And I refuse to drag good people who deserve better, down with me.  I only encourage my son to run and run fast when he becomes of age…..run and RUN FAST!

I am sad.

So I work out.  I exercise and lift lots of weights.  I have no more hope or joy anymore but to keep losing weight.  It’s all I have control of.  Unless God decides to mess with that to, the one thing I still have control of in my life.

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Yes, that is a machine I use and yes, that is 70 lbs of weights.  I’m lifting as much weight as I’ve lost.  That is truly interesting.

We can’t choose our family, of course but I will never understand why God thought I could handle mine.  Some days I want to rip throats out.

And I will never understand why God thinks I’ll develop a stonger walk in His path when the family He’s given me chases away any person I associate myself with.

Shit….now I’m getting fucking MAD!

Can I just get drunk now? K, thanks!

Has there ever been a time you were truly happy?

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My mother presented this question to me last night during a phone conversation and it actually got me to thinking about how I could truly and honestly answer that question.

I’m half way through my life and at this point I can honestly say, after taking some time to lay in bed and think about it, that I have never, ever been genuinely happy, ever.

Now, there were times I was content and maybe even close to happy.  However, looking back on those times, I realized the happiness was coming from a time in my life that was not true reality, more like a House of Cards that eventually all came crumbling down.  It was not real.

The one time I remember actually being content enough to borderline true happiness was the last three months I was pregnant, back in early 2004.  Weird, I know, to think the third trimester of a very LARGE pregnancy would make any women feel happy, but I was.  I had been taken off work by my doctor, due to a painful gallstone which eventually prompted the removal of my whole gallbladder years later.  During that time, I just watched my food intake and was able to keep the pain under control.

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My Abyssinian/Siamese mix I had back in 2004

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My Abyssinian baby boy back in 2004

Those days in the first three months of 2004 were peaceful, calm and quite serene.  I would get up, not rushed, not fatigued and cuddle with my cats, then maybe go eat something and walk around the mall a bit, or just sit at home and play a video game. I felt no urgency to be somewhere, no worry about paying bills.  Money was actually flowing in pretty good at that time because I was getting a disability check from my employer, using PTO time for being off work (so I was still getting a paycheck) and getting $1400 a month from AFLAC for disability.  So I was basically getting a paycheck and then some.  I was truly content and seemingly without a care in the world.

Thinking about it now, as I mentioned before, I was in a dream world, a world that wasn’t truly reality.  I remember reality hitting VERY hard after the baby was born.  The reality of a divorce, suddenly becoming a single mother and dealing with being a mother while living under my own mother’s roof (cliff notes version, a mother can’t be a mother while still living in their own mother’s house…impossible).

But to answer that initial question, have I ever been truly happy, the answer would be universally NO.  I’m constantly in a state of agitation and worry.  I’m constantly feeling pain of some sort, whether in my heart, through my emotions or actual physical pain.  Thankfully the latter is much less since my 67 lb weight loss however, the 67 lb weight loss just adds to the psychological obsession that I have to make sure I never gain the weight back again.  It also means the other forms of pain are only emphasized.

I know it is all me. I know we all create our own paths and our own happiness and I’m not saying that I have moments, and by moments, I mean literally, just seconds, of content-ness.  (yeah, I made that word up, deal)

For instance, each evening, when I’m done with cooking dinner, doing my workout, cleaning up the apartment a bit, making sure The Boy is bathed and teeth brushed, telling The Boy to bath and brush his teeth 5-10 times in a row, getting The Boy to bed, making sure I’M bathed and I’m actually sitting down on the couch with my tablet and my cat, ready to crumble into a short state of vegetation because I realize I have to go to bed to start the routine all over again, sometimes, in that short state of vegetation, I will have a moment of content.  The cat helps.  Pets are truly therapy.IMG_20131210_222227

I have never really strived to reach pure happiness because I really don’t think it exists.  I know some say being a parent brings happiness and I won’t deny that it does, sometimes, but sometimes, for me, the most being a parent and being a single parent has brought me is the realization that my sanity can be pushed just a little more each day to the brink of utter and massive detonation.

starsToday, I did reach 30 stars on my Starbucks Rewards Program.  Now, I’m officially a Starbucks Gold Member (as long as I keep purchasing Starbucks for the next 12 months and keep the stars coming).  In a way, that granted me a bit of joy.  I do enjoy my Starbucks Pike Blend (never the frothy foo-foo coffee drinks…just straight Pike for me!)

fav-broccoli-cheddar-soup-doublewide_desktopHappiness is different for each individual person.  I, personally, thought losing the most weight I’ve ever lost in my life and being able to actually see my ribs would make me happy.  SURPRISE SURPRISE!  I’m still miserable.  But hey, at least my feet don’t hurt any more and I can squeeze into size 8 skinny jeans!  But in return, I never get to enjoy a Bread Bowl filled with Broccoli and Cheese soup from Panera Bread, ever…ever again.

So, I wonder, if you sit and think about the initial question, “Have you ever been TRULY happy?”, first be honest with the part of the question that says “TRULY”.  Then try and tell me you’ve been there.  You’ll see things different when the rose-colored glasses are removed and you notice that everything is shit brown.

Blegh.

Re-thinking the car of my dreams

First, I will say yes, the car of my dreams is super girly. Ask me if I care?!

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I really wanted a VW Beetle, preferably the newest model, in Candy Red and who knows, maybe I WOULD have put the eyelashes on the headlights or the black spots to make it look like an actual lady bug.

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I am currently driving a VW 2009 Jetta and have been for the past year. In all honesty, it sucks. The amount of things wrong with it and the money I’m putting into it should not be happening to a 2009.  With that and on top of the fact that apparently VW parts are hard to come by and expensive, therefore fixing it pretty much costs 2 months salary.  Or maybe I’m just dumb.

Either way, I think I may have to re-consider a VW when I can finally afford the car of my dreams, which would be after I’m done bringing down what I owe on this Jetta pile of trash car so I can use it for some sort of trade in.

I’m remembering the cars I’ve had in the past and I would say the Toyota Matrix and the Nissan Murano were my most favorite.

matrix-barbershopThe Matrix took a huge hit when I ran something over on the freeway and got the front bumper ripped off.  It was also the car that drove me, every day, almost 100 miles from my parents house to Los Angeles.  It was very reliable in that sense.  The reason why I got rid of that car was because my ex-husband’s name was also on it.  I traded that car in for the Nissan Murano

MuranoThe Murano I really liked.  I didn’t have any troubles with it.  It traded in for a nice value as well.  Now, WHY did I trade it in?  I think I was getting that “itch” for something new.  I should have just gotten a new Murano.  Getting rid of the Murnao was a mistake though because that was a good car and I hardly had ANY trouble with it.

juke

So, I’m leaning towards another Nissan, maybe a Murano or maybe a Juke.  I really like the Jukes.  I like how the Jukes are round in the front with the weird rounded headlights.  I like sleek rounded cars.  Yes, I’m weird like that.

I don’t even know why I’m thinking about this at all.  It’s going to take me 5 years to pay off my piece of crap Jetta because it’s all going to interest.  I won’t be able to highly consider another car until I’m walking with a cane or win the lottery.

What would we be doing right now?

I remember what we were doing before we were 29.

  • You always had so many different friends that I always felt that I was sharing you with so many others, even if you were the only true friend I had.
  • You were usually telling me that I was a bit to blunt and outspoken for my own good and you would always do it in a way that put me in my place, without making me feel like a Class A Bag of Douche.
  • You would always pour me to much Rum and Coke and I would always push it away, until I just decided to just take the drink so you would stop pestering me to lighten up.
  • You helped me through my wedding and fights with my mother, even though you shared her feelings that I was marrying the absolutely wrong man.
  • You always had positive words and a bright smile………Always, up until we were 29.

What would we be doing now?

  • You would have been my shoulder to cry on when my divorce finally became reality because you always listened so patiently and without judgement.
  • You NEVER would have said “I told you so” after my marriage was officially done because you would have known that my family would have already said it enough.
  • You would have helped me with my child as much as you could.
  • You would have given me the advice and the strength to venture on my own and to be independent as a single mother.
  • You would have joined me on my adventures with my son, and smiled the whole time.
  • You would be here with me, in the present, to take me out for coffee or a stiff drink, when I needed a night off.

However, we will not be doing those things.  At 29, something else entered our lives.  At 29, Cancer claimed you and stole from me my Best Friend.

You were my only friend and I have never found your equal since, nor do I feel I ever will.

7 years ago, my life went from “what did we do then” to “what would we be doing right now”.

I miss you so much it hurts to the core of my being and I would give anything to have you back, sitting here, telling me that I’m a bit blunt and outspoken, then handing me a Rum and Coke.

rum and coke

The Nothing

As I sip my hot tea behind my desk, each time I swallow it feels like I’m swallowing razor blades and the pain makes me think about my current existence.

Let’s talk about suicide.

Now, before you all start dialing the 911, I’m not going to kill myself. I don’t believe in murder and yes, suicide is murder. However, I will say that to just not exist anymore is a very inviting notion even if it is pretty much the equivalent of being dead. To not exist means that one is in a state of no pain. Pain, that comes from the soul and not from the physical flesh is so very debilitating.

So, I can say that I completely understand why some people do consider this option, as sad as that is.

But that is not really where I’m going with this.

I believe I speak more of the suicide of one’s soul.  I would guess that someone whose soul has committed suicide would be more like a Zombie, except they don’t require feeding on flesh to survive. They just roam the earth, doing daily functions, yet have no enjoyment in much of anything.

What happens when one’s soul wants to jump off a bridge?  I believe this is something that a 1980’s movie brought into the light.

The Nothing.The Nothing is Coming

Atreyu: What is the Nothing?

G’mork: It’s the emptiness that’s left. It’s like a despair, destroying this world. And I have been trying to help it.

Atreyu: But why?

G’mork: Because people who have no hopes are easy to control. And whoever has control has the Power.

The Nothing is described as “the emptiness that is left”.  There is just a “nothing” type feeling.  I get up, I go to work, pay my bills, deal with my kid but The Nothing is still there, hovering over my soul making it feel heavy and listless.

My soul was once light, fluffy and had spirit. That is gone.

My soul would once laugh and dance. That is gone.

What is left is a hole void of any human compassion or any human touch. Void of laughter and vivacity. My soul feels like it is slowly just disappearing.  It feels like it is committing suicide.  It feels like….The Nothing.

Why is this?

As of this moment, I have not one single friend. Yes, you read that right, not one friend. I have people I talk to online, through Facebook or Twitter maybe but never that friend/s you call to go have dinner or drinks or see a movie. Not one. I do not exaggerate about that.

However, I do live my every moment around my son.  Anything I do, it’s with him.

My daily routine is:

Get up

Take the Boy to school

Spend 8 hours behind a desk in an office

Leave office to pick up The Boy from school

Come home and make dinner and do homework

Time for bed

Wash, rinse, repeat.

Being that his father turned his back on him 8 years ago and never looked back, I do this on my own, no “visitation weekends” off.  So my life is and probably always will, revolve around The Boy.

I would have to say this leads to a very lonely lifestyle.  I have no one to talk to.  I have no one who asks me how my day was.  I doubt that anyone even cares.

I sit, by myself, watching TV or on the computer.  For instance, I was alone when I reacted to the last Episode of Game of Thrones.  I found a video on YouTube which showed reactions from people while watching that episode and most of these people were in rooms filled with others, also watching it with them and reacting with them. I was alone.  No one to react with me.  No one to scream at the TV with me. (It was a VERY startling episode if you haven’t already heard.)

When I contemplate this existence, I wonder, how did I get to this point?  Mainly because I have developed a severe lack of trust in anyone male, female or alien (although I have yet to meet an alien and if I did, I probably wouldn’t trust them right away. I mean they ARE an alien).

After my divorce in 2005, I grew to not trust men nor their intentions after finding out that the man I married was pretty much a liar, a manipulator and an all around asshole with an alcohol problem to boot.  I still blame myself for not seeing it.  This blame upon myself led to my lack of trust in my own judgment of people, even if I was deceived.  After a few dates between then and now (I can count the dates on one hand and they don’t reach the 5 fingers that hand has), I grew to not trust men even more.

Even my own family (which is basically mother, father and sister) always seem to betray me in some way either with neglect, hurtful words or selfishness.

Then of course, there is the lack of any human decency in the human race, period.  The things I read and see on the news TV are enough to send me running to Hermitville, Population 1.

Humans are disappointing and my lack of trust in them did NOT just sit with men.

So, we have established, that 1) I’m lonely 2) I have no adult human interaction on a regular basis which leads to 3) hopelessness. The kind of hopelessness that even a strong faith in God can’t fix.  The kind of hopelessness that this dark and thundering monster called The Nothing thrives from.

The-Nothing-2

The road I travel is lonely and ends in The Nothing

How much I do long for my soul to be kick started like a dead car battery and talked down from the slippery ledge it is on. I loathe and despise the fact that I have never known love beyond my relatives, relatives who are obligated to love me and I them, simply because we share blood. What’s even worse, is realizing that I may never know that kind of love, ever.  I would be to afraid of more disappointment.

After being on this planet for the past 36 years, I used to fear death and its finality.

I have now come to realize, there can be a fate worse than death.

Loneliness and his minion, The Nothing.

What disorder is this and what is wrong with me?!

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This kind of mutilation can happen a regular basis…

The above picture is of my right thumb. I did that massacre to myself and sometimes I don’t even know I’m doing it.. On a regular basis, pretty much all of my fingers and thumbs look like the above. I didn’t think my readers would have the stomach to see the other fingers on my hand. All of my fingers and even this thumb pictured, have been since cleaned and doused with neosporin and bandaged. It survived.

This is what happens.

I, unconsciously, pick and tear at my cuticles. I can do this in my sleep, or while I’m driving or just while I’m walking down the hall. My point is, I do it constantly and randomly.

Recently, after cleaning up a truly horrible massacre on my thumb, and 4 other fingers, I looked at them, all wrapped up in small band aids filled with neosporin and wrapped in white tape and I remembered someone else who wore white tape on the tips of his fingers and I would say, after a bit clean up, my hands look just like his.

Someone named Michael Jackson…michael_jackson_

Some say that he did it because of his Vitiligo disease.

Some say that he did it to draw attention to the movements of his hands while he was dancing and performing.

I think otherwise. As I look down at my fingers that I’ve since cleaned up from the above photo, and notice that they are very similar to his hands seen here, it makes me wonder.

Did Michael have this problem too? He seemed like the type of obsessive person to do something like this. Then again, I didn’t know him so I am making assumptions.

I have never really sat down and figured out what this problem was labeled as. So I went to the internet. I found disorders on obsessive fingernail biting. But that is not what this is. I don’t do this with my teeth. I do this with my nails. I pick and tear the skin around the nails (the cuticles) until there is lots of bleeding. I’ve sometimes bled on work documents and cursed whatever this “disorder” is.

Then, I found it.

Dermatillomania – Episodes of skin picking are often preceded or accompanied by tension, anxiety, or stress. The region most commonly picked is the face, but other frequent locations include the arms, legs, back, gums, lips, shoulders, scalp, stomach, chest, and extremities such as the fingernails, cuticles, and toenails.  Most patients with dermatillomania report having a primary area of the body that they focus their picking on, but they will often move to other areas of the body to allow their primary picking area to heal.

This was it. Yes, I do move onto different fingers when one or two or three fingers become to painful and are bleeding. After all, I have 8 fingers and 2 thumbs to choose from.

When I read this I realized, yes, as I’ve gotten older I have been known to pick at my face to. But not excessively since my face is much more visible, more so than my finger tips, which I can hide. I certainly don’t pick my face to bleeding.

But picking at my cuticles has been something I’ve done for as long as I can remember. As I have gotten older, its gotten worse.

At some points, it can be so bad that even dipping my hands in lukewarm water burns the raw areas around my nails. The only solution to ease the pain of the raw skin is neosporin, small bandaids and tape.  When its gets really bad at work and I’ve realized what I’ve done, I will raid the office medicine cabinet of small band aids and Antibiotic Ointment.

There is another solution to allow my skin to heal. I get fake nails put on. I can’t pick at them with fake nails because it doesn’t give me the same feeling as picking with my real nails. This leads me to believe it is a mental disorder.

When fake nails are put on, I forgo the picking and the cuticles heal. But the minute those fake nails come off, the bleeding is back with a vengeance. I could keep putting fake nails on but I’m not one to pay for something like that and keep going every two weeks to get them filled.

I’ve never thought myself to have any types of obsessive disorders. But I really wonder if this is even close to cutting?

The ironic thing is…I hate pain.

no-pain

I know that some people have a higher tolerance for pain than others. I have no tolerance for pain. For instance, if someone who can tolerate pain said the pain is at about a 5…I would put that same amount of pain at a 20. I am a wimp.

Yet, when I do this to my fingers, as I mentioned about about the lukewarm water, the pain can be pretty bad and I continue to do this to myself!!

I guess I can tell myself it’s not as bad as cutting and my fingers don’t get so bad that they get infected (probably because I douse them in neosporin when they are to raw to pick at anymore) but still, it can be embarrassing when others see my hands and see how raw and red they are. I wonder what they must think of me.

I guess I should try and stop.

This was taken on my wedding day, October 2001. It was soon after this, that my fingers began to suffer.

This was taken on my wedding day, October 2001. It was soon after this, that my fingers began to suffer.

As the Walrus would say “The time has come…”

thetimehascome-thewalrussaid

Yes, my friends.  The time has come.

In my family, which consists of myself and The Boy but also my parents and my sister, one thing has always been on our “discussion” table for the past 5 years.

That would be a move out of California.

This state has been on the downfall for a long time. It makes me sad because I have lived my whole life here and I am familiar with just about every part of Southern California. From San Diego to Tulare County, I have an immense amount of memories to fill my lifetime.

I spent many weekends between 18 and 20 years old at UC San Diego where my best friend was earning her B.A. There were a few T.J. trips in there, some I barely remember. But I always had a great time visiting her.

My older sister lived in Tulare County up North.  My brother-in-law, sister and their two children moved out of there and out of California 2 years ago. They are now in Montana where my niece and nephew are thriving and doing great. My nephew is learning how to hunt and my niece is a dancer (and cute as a button!).

I grew up in the old “Hollywood” town of Pasadena, CA. It has a lot of historic buildings and places to see. Back to the Future I was filmed at a house that I was familiar with, there in Pasadena. The Rose Parade was a part of my life. I went to school and church in Pasadena. There were many memories there.

So the daunting task comes of researching and visiting places. My sister and I are leaning towards Thornton, Colorado. I was talking with my mother last night and she doesn’t want to have to move her large 5 bedroom house that has a garage filled with almost 40 years of memories. I really don’t blame her. It would be a task for my sister and I as well. But wow, it would be the ultimate “house cleaning”. Just to clear out all the cob webs and start new is just such an inviting thought for me!

But I’m sure there will resitence from her over all of this. My sister on the other hand, well my mother better pray that my sister doesn’t get laid off (which she thinks she will because of her company going through changes).  If my sister loses her job, she has said she will not be looking for another one in this state and thought would put a fire under all our butts. I say that becuase, well because my sister has no fear of our mother. I still do. Well no FEAR, per say, more like I just don’t want to deal with her dramatics. My sister can handle her dramatics better. I just want to scream at her when she gets dramatic.

Regardless, I believe a move is in the future, hopefully sooner than later.

My History: I was in the Pasadena Rose Parade

Rose Parade Logo

Now, this is a piece of my history that I really enjoy remembering.  And no, I was not the Rose Queen or a Rose Princess.

As I’ve already covered, I went to a private school where I was basically the only mexican in attendance (click the link for more on that history).

One day, my parents told me that I had been chosen to ride the Rotary International Float in the 1988 Rose Parade. I was 12 years old.

Apparently, the principal of the school was in close business relations with the President of the Pasadena Rotary International Club and the Rotary needed ethnic children to ride their float for the Rose Parade that year. The float was owl themed and titled “Look Whoooo’s Talking”.  I was to ride the float with an African-American boy and little Asian girl who were also chosen from my school. We were all to be wearing ethnic outfits. I was wearing a colorful and flaring Baile Folklorico outfit. It looked a bit like the picture below:

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On the morning of the parade, (well, I will call it morning but it was more like the middle of the night), we were up at about 3:00 a.m. We had to be at the float site on Colorado Blvd and Orange Grove early to be ready for the 8:00 a.m. start of the parade.

Just before we left, my parents presented me with a small miniature crystal owl that looked something like this:

1003319_sw_owl

A small Crystal Owl at about 1 1/2 inches

The theme was appropriate as there were 3 big owls on the float I was riding. I think they were really proud of me 🙂

I only remember bits and pieces. I do remember getting there, and the young adults who worked on creating the float, were there with us announcing that this was the best float and they devoted their blood sweat and tears to it. It gave us all a giggle.

I remember it being FREEZING cold and I was pretty much in a sleeveless dancing outfit. I was cold.

Just before the line of floats were about to move, I was strapped into the float harness then waved to my parents goodbye and we started to move.

I remember there were two bands, one in front of us and one behind. The one in front of us was the normal instrument band. But the one behind us was a singing/marching band. They had no instruments but they sang the whole parade route. I still remember the chorus of that song:

Tear them down

One by one

all the walls that divide us

We won’t stop until our work is done

And love and peace unite us

They also had hand movements that went with the words. I can also remember and do them perfectly. My family gets a kick out of the fact that I remember the song and the hand movements. Well, I was travelling in front of them for the better part of 4 hours.

I remember bits and pieces from the ride all the way down the parade route.  First thing I saw, was my parents in the grand stands. I saw them stand up real tall with other members of my family and jump up and down so I could see them. I waved but the float was moving quickly, so I moved on down the route.

I remember a teen-aged boy jumping up from the crowd and grabbing one of the roses just below me as the float was DSCF0050moving by.  Each and every rose on the Float were put in small glass vials filled with a little bit of water (I don’t know if they still do this) so when he pulled the rose, he got a small glass vial with it.  So apparently, after some photo research, they do still put each and every rose in a small vial filled with a little bit of water, but I don’t know whether its glass not or plastic.

I remember before getting on the float, the coordinator, or one of them, told us to smile a lot and wave to the crowd. So that is what I did for the next 4 hours. The whole parade route was a lot of smiling and waving.

map_parade

I actually don’t remember anything more than that. I don’t remember after, or if my parents were there waiting for me as my float arrived to its final destination (although knowing my mother, I’m sure they were).

A few years ago, these memories rose up in me again and I thought “the Rotary MUST have a photo of my float”. I inquired with them and apparently they didn’t but my inquiry got the ball rolling. Within a month, whoever I initially emailed had a photo up at the archive website. This was it:

TofR1988

Enlarge to see better. It was 1988, photos were not the best. I added arrows to show where I was

This float also won the Princess Trophy for that year. “Princesses’ Trophy for most beautiful entry under 35 feet in length”

I know that my father recorded it on the VCR at home and there is a video cassette of it somewhere in my parents house. Someday I may get that on a DVD then transfer it to YouTube.

Until then, it is all recorded in the VCR of my mind.  I will boast and say that is one of my more proudful moments. I was very young when it happened and kind of got the chance by defualt being one of the few Mexican children in the school. But still, it was a colorful memory.

My Back Story: The Marriage/Divorce

I have spent some time reading many different blogs and I have to say I really thought I was alone in all the feelings and emotions I’ve had as a divorcee and single mother for these past 9 years.

I.am.not.alone

And that feels friggin’ fantastic.

But I do have my own individual story.  Please, take the time to walk down Memory Lane with me.

As Louis from Interview with a Vampire said:

“Shall we begin like David Copperfield? ‘I am born……I grew up.’ Or shall we begin when I was born to darkness, as I call it.”

Well I wasn’t born to darkness, I just liked the way Brad Pitt talked in that scene.

Anyway, I will begin at where the road started to where I am now. I believe God has His hands on all and I believe He looked away as I made the worst decision of my life when I was 22, to walk into that bar on Colorado Blvd, Pasadena, California.

I walked in and sat down at the bar, right next to a very good-looking, dark-haired scruffy bearded male. This man was NOT my type. I liked blondes. However, I still gave this man my number and well, what do you know, he called me.

A year and a half later, we were married.  Its appropriate to mention that at one time during that year and a half, I had a relationship “fork in the road” as I had the chance to choose one of two men: My ex, who I ended up marrying, or another man who was not as adventuresome but was a quiet and devoted man who really did love me…..

As the Grail Knight would say….indiana_jones_grail_knight-you-have-chosen-poorly

Yes, thank you Mr. Knight…much appreciated for pointing that out.

The preparations for the wedding were tormenting to say the least. My parents and sister disapproved of him, and rightly so.

Now, he never hit me or was violent during the 5 years of our relationship (which included a boyfriend/girlfriend status then marriage). He was just what you would call a plain old asshole. I know that is SUCH an ex-wife cliché thing to say but that really is what he was. Even his family thought so. I really do not believe he possessed one ounce of human decency or humanity in him.

To help paint this picture of his personality, I give you this scenario:

While you may feel sadness for the soldiers who die while serving their country (God Bless them) and the families and friends they leave behind, my ex would say “they knew what they were getting into when they signed up…to bad” (and that is actually word for word what he said on that subject one time). *cough* asshole *cough*

He also had a drinking and drug problem but as I think back, his assholery was the worst part of him, which says a lot about his assholery when compared to a drinking and drug problem. And yes, assholery is a word, look it up. You will see a picture of my ex-husband next to it.

But, despite the red BANNERS that were flying up, no they were careening across my face,  (yeah sure…I’ll spend the next 50 years of my life driving your drunk ass around), the wedding proceeded. I blame myself on this point, for being so stupid.

It ended up being a pretty decent wedding. My family probably just gave in to the fact that I was going to go through with this mistake and just decided to go with it. The cake was beautiful. My brides maids, who were my older half-sister, younger sister and best friend, were beautiful. It went great.

Note: On the bright side, I’m glad that my best friend was able to be in the wedding. She lost her battle with cancer 5 years after my wedding. We were 29 years old (her and I were the same age). When I told my Ex, who I had been divorced from already for about 2 years, he shrugged his shoulders. Again, not one ounce of human empathy.

Then the “marriage” started, and I began to realize, what a mistake I made. The man, seemed to loathe me. Now, I did not know this at that time, but looking back….the signs were everywhere. He had no respect for me in the marriage, didn’t allow me to go to classes at night to finish my AA degree. I had to switch my P.M. Watch Police Clerk job to day hours because he didn’t like coming home to an empty house (yet when I was there, he never acknowledged it). I secretly believed he despised that I liked my P.M. Police Clerk job and just didn’t like that. It was very strange. It was like he enjoyed having the extra money that being a part of a marriage brought in, but still wanted to do his own thing and not acknowledge that I was a part of this marriage team and must be considered part of it.

Also, the intimate part of the marriage, was null and void. On top of his apparent loathe for me, he never touched me and to get sex, I had to make him drunk and force myself. I will leave it at that as I would like to keep things PG but for me, as a woman, to not be wanted by your husband is pretty much murder to my already non-existent self esteem. It beat it down into its grave and then peed on it.

Then there was the alcohol and drugs. Ok, I will admit, I participated in both. Hey, I was 24, had a great job, a husband. I really thought this was part of what it was all about. But I never went over board with it. In fact, I stopped participating  and then became not only something he loathed but was also the “ball and chain” wife.

He was also drunk all the time, a “functioning alcoholic” as I later came to find out was the term. He would drink all the time but sure get up and be ready for work the next day. The booze was worse than the drugs, so yay for him choosing the lesser of two evils, maybe.

Our first split up:

This happened just shy of 2 years into our marriage. I decided to leave. I confided in my parents (yes, that was held over my head many times since then of my failure to make a marriage work) and they moved me back into their house.

Then, this man, who was a drunk asshole changed into a sniveling heap.

The change was absolutely astonishing that even my parents were like, huh? He weeped to me on the phone how much he loved me how much he missed me. He weeped to me on the phone that he wanted his wife back. I was shell shocked.

He wrote a letter to my parents saying how much he loved their daughter and wanted me back. They were shell shocked.

It was at this time, during our 4 months separation, I met a lovely police officer at the police station in Los Angeles that I was working at and we hit it off well..but…once again, I failed myself and made, yet another wrong choice at the “relationship fork in the road”. I went back to the crying heap faster than pot heads attack Doritos.

indiana_jones_grail_knight-you-have-chosen-poorly again

Yes, Sir Knight….we get the point…thanks.

I then became pregnant:

So we are back together and we moved into an apartment in Glendale since we lost our other apartment during the separation. That was when, I got pregnant. Although to this day I don’t know how since our sex life was pretty much nothing. But it happened (and no I didn’t cheat…I am not like that, I even felt guilty about dating the cop because I wasn’t officially divorced).

Later, he told me that it was exactly 3 days after we got back together that he knew he shouldn’t have taken me back and he also told me that the crying and sniveling was an act (I am not making this up). He said that just before I got pregnant, he was going to dump my ass back to the curb. The deceit was never ending with this man.

So now I’m pregnant and he is staying with me out of sheer obligation The pregnancy was ok. We ended up renting out a condo from his friend and we got a decent baby room set up. We got two cats (which I lost during the divorce, he sold them for $50 to some vet he knew….we had bought those cats for about $700 together)….and my pregnancy went on without any real complications. I was taken off work at around 7 months because I was getting gall stones (painful) and they could do nothing about it until after the baby was born. So the last 3 months of my pregnancy were actually the most peaceful and calmest three months in my life. I would wake up, whenever and just piddle around with my cats, go shopping (because I was actually getting alot of disability money and an extra $1400 a month from Aflac) and eat. It was great.

The time came to give birth to his son. It was a nightmare.

The birth of my son:

First, he wouldn’t take me to the friggin hospital when the contractions began to make me go insane. Sure, I will admit to a low tolerance for pain, however, I knew enough to know that when the contractions got bad…I should have gone to the hospital. He said to wait and wait and wait and I got so scared that I grabbed the car keys and attempted to prepare to drive MYSELF to the dang hospital! He then took me.

I labored for 12 hours (but had been contracting for long before that). It hurt….

Honestly, I don’t remember much, it was a blur. I remember getting there, pain in the delivery room, then the doctor breaking my water, then more pain, then doctor saying the kid’s head was stuck in my pelvic bone and C-section was necessary. Then the epidural….then painless heaven which included watching Wheel of Fortune while waiting to get wheeled into the operating room.

The baby is born, I get put into the observation room, I hear that my blood pressure is dropping….I pass out.

Next thing I remember, I am in the hospital recovery room and my son is put in my arms as the nurse is trying to teach me how to breastfeed and all I want to do is sleep.

Now, this is what my family told me what happened.

Just after the delivery, when I was in the recovery room with the baby in the incubator, my parents were not allowed into the room to see me or the baby because my husband wouldn’t allow it.

My ex said the nurse told him that no one was allowed.

I am in a state of delirium so I didn’t know what happened!

On this account, I blame both my family and my ex.

My family because they made ME feel guilty about not doing something about this because apparently, even though I had just given birth and I my blood pressure was dropping, I was still supposed to only make sure they had it their way. I honestly didn’t know what was going on.

My ex, because he could have allowed them in, but then again, I really don’t know if he was being stopped by the nurse on that count.

Moving on, the next day my family came to visit and I was more lucid yet I wondered why they were being so mean, to me, my ex and his family. I did find out later all that happened but will never forgive them for making it more difficult than it already was.  But that is who my family is……Drama Royalty.

The Official Divorce:

For a month, I took care of The Boy and loved every minute of it. But I believe I was either suffering from postpartum or something because I just decided to leave my husband. I remember feeling scared. I was scared that I have this child now and it wasn’t just me dealing with his heartless inhumanity but my boy. I had to protect him.

I left 2 months after my son was born. Our divorce was finalized 1 year after that. I was then living with my family. This was in 2004. There were a couple of times he took me back to court after it was finalized to change the orders. More specifically, he took me back one time to request he stop having to pay child support. The judge laughed in his face

Since then, I had to deal with the other issue of mine, my family. My mother in particular. We have never gotten along and her dramatics I just couldn’t take sometimes, especially being back in their house.

However, I made it to today, where for the past 2 years I’ve had my own apartment, been able to take care of myself and The Boy and enjoy adventures together.

Every now and then, my Ex needs information for his medical insurance that he has on The Boy (Insurance coverage is court ordered as well as the child support. He works for L.A. and gets paid pretty decently) and he contacts me.  However, the last interaction I had with him. he needed to know his son’s birth date. He didn’t even know his own son’s birthday. Well that could be because he hasn’t seen his son in 8 years. He’s never sent his son a birthday or Christmas card. I once tried to send my ex and ex-in laws photos, they were returned with a phone call from my ex, to quit harassing them. Although I never understood how sending photos of their grand child who carries his father’s name, was harassment but…whatever.

At one time, I hated that man. I hated him more than I hated any thing on this earth. I do not hate him anymore and I haven’t for a long time. I feel sorry for him. Because my ex gets to miss out on his son learning to skate and playing hockey. He gets to miss out on school open houses and the quirky things he says. He gets to miss out on his mess of long hair and that wonderful smile that can be accompanied by the most jovial laugh. I feel sad for my ex who didn’t want to be a part of a wonderful child’s life.

The Boy is adventuresome and sensitive. He is kind and very smart. He is actually more like me in personality (but that includes the Drama genes, something I resist in myself). But, only physically, is he the image of his father.

Since then, I have only been on one date. I did not follow through.  I really lost trust in not only men but people and most of all, I lost trust in my judgement of character. The combination of this lack of judgement in people and myself and a non-existent self-esteem created a cocktail of fear which lead to loneliness which leads to occasional depression, something I battle daily.

Being a mother has helped me focus on what is important and helps with that battle tremendously. Being a mother to The Boy is the one choice, where……I chose wisely….

“You have Chosen WISELY”

Ah Thank you Grail Knight…I can rest easy now…

Can anybody out there interpret dreams?

Last night, I had a disturbing dream which involved a certain arachnid that you see pictured below, the Black Widow

Black Widow, courtesy of Wikipedia

I sure wished it was the Black Widow from The Avengers because I would take Natalia Romanova over this mini monster any day. But alas, this dream was not about a beautiful red-head but a deadly spider with a red hourglass. 

Note: I apologize for any of those who cringe at the picture I posted. I’m cringing just posting it but I needed visual to get my point across.

a-divider

The Dream: 

I don’t remember how it started. In fact a lot of it was hazy except the Black Widow part. This spider was HUGE. About as huge as the picture you see here….no, it was a lot bigger. It was so huge, I could see its fangs. The thing would not leave me alone. It kept biting me and in my dream, I could feel the pain of the bite.

However, I guess I was pulling it off quick enough each time to not give it time to inject its venom into me after each bite, because it bit me numerous times and I was still able to pull it off each time. It bit me on the hand, forearm, neck, forearm again. After pulling it off each time it would bite, it would pounce at me again like Super Ninja Spider. This thing hated me.

The last thing I remember is pulling it off with its fangs still in me (I could see its fangs IN my skin) and throwing it to my mother, who was also trying to get it off me. That was the end. 

a-divider

What is the significance of that? I assume the introduction of my mother trying to save me from the gargantuan Black Widow was the fact that, last night, before this dream, I confided in her my unwillingness to get up and go to work on Monday and being in a very bad state of depression that day. I was apprehensive about saying it but sometimes my lack of moral support leads me to just blurt out things which will, in turn, make me very vunerable.  The minute it came out of my mouth, I regretted. My mother tends to thrive on my vulnerability and uses it to either put me down or boast about how she never would have done something like that because she was the perfect mother….blah…blah…blah.

But she was not judgemental about it. In fact, her face showed, concern. She even admitted that she sometimes needed a day during raising myself, my sister and later my half-brother, to just rest and re-group. Whoa what? She actually was not Super Mom and admitted to being….wait for it…HUMAN?!

For once, in our relationship, I felt safe confiding in her and not cringing waiting for her put downs and judgements to start. It was just for that one moment though as I will not count on that happening again. I don’t trust her and still am vunerable with her knowing that I needed a break. I now get to see how long it takes before this is brought up again and used as a tool to put me down. It’s happened before, I wouldn’t be surprised.

But back to my lovely 8 legged friend. What the heck would make me dream of a super large Black Widow spider biting me, not just once  but multiple times and even targeting me for destruction? Maybe the apprehension I felt telling my mother something that would leave me vulnerable, as I was vulnerable to a 50 lb spider?

Or maybe this spider represented depression. I have not one person to confide in when I get into a state of depression. In terms of the dream, no one to tear the spider off and throw it to. No help with my inner “spider”.

Not my sister, she is to wrapped up in her own life of owning her condo and getting her degree to even offer an hour of her time to help me move boxes.

Not my father, I could never confide in him or even have a conversation with him in the past due to him asserting the “I am the authority ” role if I had an opinion other than his own. I just never tried to talk to him much. And now that alzheimer’s is setting in making him inable to speak a full sentence or remember anything past 5 minutes, I keep our interactions to a minimum.

And never my mother, she would throw my weakness back in my face with an example of how wonderful a mother she was and I just have to turn away because she has a MUCH different view of my childhood as it was not wonderful at all.

I know one thing is for sure. Whatever that spider represented, it was something that should be small (as a spider is small) yet, it was portrayed as something rather larger (as it was 5 times as big in my dream than a real spider should be).

That’s a bit frightening.

Maybe Eeyore will help me move into my new apartment

I have boxes stacked all over my apartment. They are going up the walls, stacked high. I have not received one offer of help from anyone in my family.

Well, I lied. I realized that I could not physically move the big items such as my dining table, hutch, beds, and entertainment center. So I got my mother to ask her cousin if her son can help with the big items in 2 weeks. He was enticed with the offer of cash, which is no problem. He’s a good kid and always willing to work odd jobs for a few bucks. I respect that.

However, the boxes and all the little random items that are in shelves, cabinets and closets are all getting moved by myself and my 9 year old.

I’m so physically exhausted and a bit disappointed that neither my sister nor parents have offered one bit to help. Granted, the offer of help was mentioned in passing. Something along the lines of “oh we will help you with you the pathfinder (SUV) to move all the boxes.” But then my aunt’s funeral came around and I was put on the back burner, as is the normal process of my life.

Now, please don’t get me wrong. I am in no way blaming the funeral of my aunt. That was a hard loss for all of us. What I am saying is that this is always how it happens. I’m next in line to get SOME kind of attention from anyone in my family or anyone in general, then something else, of higher importance takes over. Whether it be a funeral, wedding or just my sister demanding for me to help her hook up with someone she had a huge crush on 8 years ago, through Facebook. Oh I helped her do that but never, in the process of helping her, did she offer to help me.

This is just the way my life has gone. I have never felt important to anyone. Not even my own mother. Everytime I call her, some random person in her family or something is pulling her attention away from the few moments I get. This could be selfish thinking on my part, I know. But it just seems that something is always more important that me in regards to the people who are supposed to love me.

a-divider

imagesCA6XTF4FThis may be why Eeyore is the 1st on a list of 4 of my favorite Disney characters. I can relate to Eeyore and the plight that he goes through. Eeyore is known for walking around with a dark, rainy cloud constantly following him and raining on him. He lives in his Gloomy Place in the Hundred Acre Wood.

He builds his house of sticks which gets knocked down by Winnie the Pooh  and Piglet because they thought his house was just a plain old pile of sticks (Metaphor: His belongings are not deemed important). Of course Pooh and Piglet re-built Eeyore’s Stick house. How nice of them.

I’ve connected with this character for as long as I can remember. My pin trading obsession started with a little Eeyore glittery pin. Then I decided I wanted every single Eeyore plushie on the planet and tried to achieve that:

Eeyores

Above is a photo of all my Eeyores and that photo is many years old. Granted, the obsession got expensive and I had to put my collection to a halt but it did grow after this photo. Those Eeyores are now in a plastic bag in my closet. I will take them out again some day. I do have my favorites still near me though.

I have been made fun of, per say, because of my “gloom” and “why does it always have to happen to me” attitude. I will admit, I have not taken on this attitude in a while as I try very hard, as of late, to remain positive and focused. But each bout of depression gets harder and harder to climb out of. The hole it resides in gets deeper and deeper and I find I’m clawing my way just to reach the light at the surface, only to be punched down again by some unseen circumstance or the utter feeling of loneliness.

I’m exhausted and tired. I’ve read of people being hospitalized because of actual physical exhaustion, but it is my heart that might get me hospitalized because my heart, is so tired. I don’t mean heart attack type tired. I just feel like its dormant, stagnant. Just there to keep me alive.

However, I definantly can’t be lying in a hospital. I have a kid to take care of.  I have to go to work or The Boy starves because I am the only bread-winner in our little family. I have to get up and keep the house or The Boy lives in squalor because there is no one else around to clean up for him. That kind of pressure is enough to make one collapse with guilt.

So just like Eeyore, I am still here. However, above me is the dark, gloomy and rainy cloud which constantly rains down its sorrows. I never see the sunshine. I don’t know the love of anyone special. I am alone and can only show The Boy how to NOT end up, as an Eeyore.

Hello darkness….my old friend…

Sadness, grief, regret.

So much regret.

I just found an old boyfriend on Facebook, someone I had been looking for, for a while. He is married, JUST married and now that ONE decision I made almost 13 years ago hit me so hard I burst into tears. Tears so hard that they stung my eyes. I’ve cried so much no more is coming out.

As I mentioned before, I am divorced, 9 years ago. The man I married, then divorced was one of two men I could have chosen.  He never loved me, he said that himself. He never even wanted to get married.

Needless to say I did not choose wisely.

Who was the other man you might ask?

Well the one I found FB just moments ago, married, smiling happily with his wife in their little profile photo.

Me? I’m all alone…not one friend. So fat and ugly that no one would care a snit about me.

This is the moment when I say fuck my life.

There is a moment, a split second when you realize everything won’t be ok. The “God has a plan” really seems like a bald face lie told by people who just don’t want to hear you whining anymore. Oh really? Then God’s plan is to ensure that I live the next 40+ years in the utter darkness of Lonelyville? Really? Then He can take me now…I’ll pass on that life.

There is no “plan” for the future. Just loneliness. A long dark road heading straight to loneliness.

Jesus has risen and blesses us with Cadbury Eggs

Jesus has risen! Praise God!

I do not say the above in mockery. I am a Christian and will remain such because I do believe in God’s Word, the Bible and that Jesus died for our sins (and whew are there alot….darn me being human).

I will teach my son this and when the time comes for him to choose…he will choose the life he wishes. I can only teach him right from wrong.

This thinking stems from a conversation I had with my aunt, whose son, is now her daughter. While she does not agree with pretty much anything he chose and making his life so much more harder AND shaking his fists at God, it is not her place, nor mine, nor anyone elses to judge my cousin. He is still her child, he is still my cousin, whether he’s male or female. However, when he is presented to the Lord, only He will have the true power to judge.

However, on the flip side, as much as Jesus and God forgives us for our sins, being that Jesus died, most painfully, on the Cross for our sins, John 8:11 says Jesus asked the prostitute

Who is around to condemn you?”

“No one, sir,” she said.

Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go and sin no more.”

He did not say “I do not condemn you. Now go and when you sin again return and we will repeat this scenario.”

Uh, no, not how it works. So when one repents of sin, they must not keep committing it. Now, we are human and it is VERY hard to be human and temptations are EVERYWHERE. Lord knows I have my temptations and yes, I do give in to them and I feel dirty afterwards but I try. So I know that I do falter to them but I try hard to get back up and not to “repeat the scenario”. The difference is, if one chooses to sin and blatantly just wave their hands “meh” to it…whoa be unto them. So says God, not me. I say sin as much as you like, I ain’t your mama!

I do notice a pattern when I falter to sin. Almost instantly, something goes wrong after I have fallen to temptation. Either something financially, or physically, but something suddenly go awry.

On the other side of the coin, when I stay on the path that is true, yet hard because of temptations, things seem to fall into place like a puzzle. No joke. Money suddenly appears and is stretched, little things go right. I’m absolutely not kidding about that. Money will stretch or appear out of no where in the form of, “oh look you get a bonus!” or “oh you paid to much on such and such, here is a refund” or “oh that certain thing that was needed didn’t cost as much as I thought it would”…

I tell the honest truth…

Regardless, God does look at the heart of a man. I try to do the right thing. I give where I can, don’t cheat the system. Yet, I try to be frugal and efficient. I teach my son to be good, kind and always have empathy for his fellow humans. I mostly teach him this because his father, had none of those qualities and I have been fighting the good fight of “Nature vs. Nurture” for 9 years and counting.

And lastly, the good “worldly” thing that comes out of Easter.

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April Fools! This isn’t your life!

This Easter was slightly blanketed with sorrow because of the tragic death of my aunt. The funeral was as any other. Loved ones spoke, wonderful photos were displayed on a PowerPoint screen. I saw many people from my past.

But it just leaves a numbness inside, I’m actually stuck. Yesterday, we had family all over at my sister’s condo. There we sat down with food and shared in the grief we felt at the recent loss we had. I listened, and did not participate.

I listened to my mother speak with her sisters on how we have to let my cousin grieve how she feels at losing her mother. My mother said we just have to comfort her. I listened and inside, I laughed.

Why the heck would I laugh as we were all trying to figure out how to comfort my cousin as she was falling into a hard depression since this happened? I laughed inside because, my mother was lying. She would not comfort her and tell her its ok to cry or that its ok to cry in front of your daughters and its ok for them to see that you are human and need to grieve.

Neither she nor my sister would say that. They would say NEVER show your children any emotion because you are supposed to be a rock hold especially as a mother and never feel any sadness or show emotion at all. They would say, get up and do what you need to do, don’t lay in bed covered in sheets of your own sorrow. They would say there is never time for depression and pills are a cop out.

Lies….just for show. Hence, I did not participate. I left with the excuses that the next day the boy started school after two weeks off for Spring Break and I had to get up for work. (I reality, the season finale of The Walking Dead and Season 3 premiere of Game of Thrones was about to start….needed to get home).

But don’t get me wrong. In essence, I’m so sorry that this tragic thing happened and now my aunt is gone, my cousins lost their mother and my mother and other aunts loss their sister. Her husband, who she had just re-married a few months ago, lost a wife. Just loss all around, which is never happy times. I was never really to close to her or my cousins but regardless; it is still a great loss.

On the way home, the boy demanded ice cream from Coldstone’s. Of course, he threw in my face that I HAD promised to get him this ice cream. Even though the premise of that promise was to get him to settle down and behave. Possibly bad parenting, I know, but there are some points when I throw “good” parenting aside and toss the kid the candy! Sue me!

Now I stare at my half frozen meal replacement shake. It is frozen because my mother suggested if I freeze it, it will be defrosted by lunch time…nope. When will I learn? So my meal replacement will be replaced by an actual meal, due to the bad timing of its frozen state.

I go back again to my neck and head which both feel like they are made of iron. The reason for this could be because I woke up extremely tired, even though I went to sleep at the normal time I always do. It could be because the alarm woke me up from a dream of someone actually loving me and wanting to be with me…but then I get jerked into the reality that it was only a dream and there is no love of my life, ever.

I wished I could say this whole entry was a April Fool’s but it isn’t. I wished I did wake up and it was “HAHA! Just joking! you do have a fantastic husband and a 3 bedroom house with a yard, instead of a 2 bedroom hole that you pay close $1250 a month for! And because of that fantastic husband, you get to stay home with your children and miss nothing of their growing process….”

This…is my life. Possibly a year round, lifelong April Fool’s Joke.

Sometimes, I go back in time

Sometimes, I go back in time with my thoughts.

When I was younger, I adored The Cranberries. (This reminds me I must get their newest album). I worshiped them from about 17 years old. Their lead singer, Dolores O’Riordan, had a booming strong voice. The album cover pictured above was the first album of theirs I ever owned and had Linger on it. That song made me realize…I could sing. I idolized this little woman’s voice and her energy on stage.

I still listen and sing to The Cranberries CD’s in my car. Then the thoughts and memories run rampant.

My best friend, Michelle,  bravely battled cancer for 10 years, from age 19 until she lost her battle to it, at age 29.

Yes, 29.

I was there the moment she passed and it was, truly a miraculous experience to see the soul actually leave someone’s body and the body become just an empty shell. That is the only way that I can explain it.

She shared my love for The Cranberries. I went to their concert when I was 24 in Los Angeles and she was supposed to go with me, but she was already full into her cancer and constantly was sick from the medications so at the last minute, she couldn’t go. I ended up going with my husband at the time.

I love singing to The Cranberries in my car. I love remembering the posters I had of them in concert above my bed in my dorm room when I was in college that showed how vibrant and how much fun Dolores was on stage. I remember how young I was when I adored them. How much I wanted to be in a band and just sing my heart out while three handsome men played behind me.

I do not like how, sometimes listening to those songs, makes me miss my best friend so damn much. She would have gone on adventures with me to this day if her body had allowed her. She was always so adventuresome. And we shared our forever adoration and love for The Cranberries.

My favorite songs, to date, from The Cranberries were Zombie and Ridiculous Thoughts (posted below) featuring a very young Elijah Wood, pre-Frodo days.

Sometimes, I go back in time and I miss my youth. I miss the people I knew in my youth for I will never see some of those people again and it is with regret and sadness that I look back.

I will forever love The Cranberries though.

There is a time for backing down……

The Bible says that there is a time for everything.

At this moment, my time has come to reel in the aggression, back down and be the better person. I admit fault in allowing my anger, even through typed word, to seep out. I will also admit to being human and only being able to have a limited amount of patience when dealing with so much. However each situation that pushes my patience, only makes it stronger.

I have created this little place in the world to vent, laugh, share, learn and contemplate my existence. I will continue to do all of this because that cocktail of emotions is what we call Life.

Did I learn from this recent chain of unfortunate events? Of course, I did. That is also called, Life.

So let’s start this again, move on and I will be the better person and not cause anymore trouble…

Go me!

Loneliness

I would like to take a step back and discuss loneliness.

I’m 36, as I think I’ve said before and 20 years ago I never would have imagined I would be as lonely in my current life as I am now. I mean, I know I have the boy and he’s great. But I have no friends.

And by NO friends I mean NOT ONE SINGLE friend. I mean, I have people online I talk to but they aren’t friends you call up and say “hey come over for dinner and lets play cards” or something like that.

I have ZERO friends.

It is sad really. And I’m kinda embarrassed to admit this. I don’t know of a single person who has not one friend. Now I did have friends in my past. One in particular, my best friend, the one who would have come over to play cards with me, died in 06 when we were 29 after her 10 year battle with cancer. (Screw that disease).

So the only friend that would have been that one true friend, which is what I was meant to have, died. Next in line was a husband who hated me, hence, was an a-hole to me, hence, the divorce was not far after the wedding. So I wasn’t going to have a husband/best friend there.

Then I became a mother and I just threw myself into being a mother kinda the way one can throw themselves into a bottle of bourbon. To forget.

I was trying to forget the fact that I had not one single friend.

9 years into motherhood and I still am stuck in the reality that I have not one single friend.

This makes me a sad panda and some days increases the depression.

However, on another note, I have noticed that because I’m a “plain jane” (I have trouble with makeup as it burns my eyes, same as contacts) I don’t attract anyone, but more specifically males as they are pretty much all about looks and rarely look past the cover.

*sigh* oh well

Look! There are my Marbles!

Friday is here. Just like any other Friday I guess.

I sip my coffee at my desk, then realize…I waited to long, its cold and into the microwave it goes. That happens a lot.

I have been VERY absent minded lately and I don’t like that because it is way out of my character. I am usually on top of everything going on with me, the boy and my schedule, on my 5 different calendars. (no joke…I have 5 active non-electronic calendars, meaning they are actual paper calendars).

I have an apartment move to make, I have a mini road trip next weekend and Seaworld, I have a birthday party to plan…I have lost my marbles!

Oh wait..there they are….

Moving on…I will be seeing Oz the Great and Powerful this evening.

????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

The boy really wants to see this and that is not like him. Last movie we saw in the theatres was Avengers and he barely made it through that one. He can’t really sit still for that long in a theatre. Although, we did watch Wreck it Ralph at the drive-in. That was a bit better for him. If he wasn’t traumatized by my car battery dying and him thinking that we were stuck at the drive-in for all of the rest of our living days.

Yeah, the boy is a Drama King

…..you can blame my genes for that.

So our servers are all down at my office today and I’m stuck…well doing nothing. Literally, I can do nothing but my box of shredding which is done. All my work is done on the computer and if the servers are down, all files and drives are inaccessible. Hence, I do nothing.

So I’m on my phone looking at my FB when I see a link to this: Best Marriage Proposal ever!

Seriously, how does someone love someone SO much to do something like THIS! I’m definitely not knocking it. I just find it hard to believe that this kind of gallantry exists. I know the one man I did get to marry me never loved me. And I never ventured out after that because that whole disaster just tore my heart and the hopes of ever finding any male to love me flew right out the window.  I gave up on that a long time ago.  Hence, I’ve lived a lonely non-relationship life for the past 10 years and counting.

But one thing I CAN do is teach the boy that, if you love someone THAT much and it feels right in your gut…you will want to do the video above. I know that I did not have any good gut feelings when I got married, and they were correct because my gut knew that man didn’t love me. All I had was hope that my gut was wrong..but really when are the gut feelings EVER wrong.

So learn that my boy! Trust the gut! Oh and keep the gut small because apparently humans are VERY visual and can see nothing past the cover of the book. Another reason why, I have been non-relationship for the past 10 years and probably will for the next…oh rest of my life.

Plain Jane’s get left in the dust….

Come….follow me down the rabbit hole…

So I am gathering a following….tell me my friends…do you pick blue or red?

Blue or Red?

Red? Ok…here we go…

I’m a single mother, 36, so everything you see posted here, the hockey games, skating, Universal Studios visits, Disneyland visits, I do all by myself with the boy.

The boy is my son, he is 9.

I work Monday – Friday 8-5 at an office.

I do not have a husband as the last one I had and divorced 9 years ago not only confessed he never loved me (why did he marry me then?) but has never wanted to see his son. He hasn’t seen him since he was 1 year old….no Christmas cards, no birthday cards…do not pass go….do not collect $200. The father of my child can rot in hell for all I care.

BUT I love my child and that is the only thing that I thank his father for…nothing else.

Sometime, I just want to sit in front of my computer playing World of Warcraft and eating pizza….I do the former…the latter…I must stop because I’m trying to lose weight.

Any other questions just ask!

Something just isn’t right….

One of the things that would get me weirded out the most is seeing things, items, places, or scenaries that are just not right.

Case in point, The Walking Dead. I like that show a lot. I do NOT like zombie/horror/scary/thriller types of movies. I can’t do them, never had been able to. However, that show, caught me the moment I started watching. I huddled and shivered over the first few scenes with the Walkers but…now its nothing as we close up Season 3 of that show.

Continuing, in that show, for instance, there is a lot of emptiness. Empty towns, empty metropolis cities. Its bizarre for me to see! It made me think of some place Disneyland, just being empty. Not empty like everyone has gone home for the day and only a handful of after hour workers are there. I mean its 2pm on a Sunday afternoon and NO ONE is in there.

Where is everybody! Weird.

Another thing that weirds me out is bodies of water…that are not supposed to be there. Case in point, Hurricane Sandy. It produced a lot of photos where water…just wasn’t where it should be. That weirds me out!

new-york-hurricane-sandy-flooding-subway hurricane-sandy-subway-flooding-537x373

What I’m trying to say is, in a zombie apocalypse, is it better to be in the city full of people…or on a farm in the middle of no where in mid-town USA?

Ah HA didn’t think I was going there with this, did you! But I would choose Minnesota. I suspect Zombies can’t survive in the cold….

When I realized…I don’t

So I saw this from my FaceBook feed today

GI Joe Movie/Real Heroes

And people can send in their pictures of their own real heroes. Great photos, some have their parents or someone in the military.

Then I thought, I have not ONE hero, well that is human and personal to me, like a parent or sibling or something. I guess I have God but no one human or in my life.

This thought made me sad. I really look up to no one in my life nor hold anyone in high esteem.

Sheesh, I hope my son gets a hero in his life because realizing I don’t have one was depressing.

Happy Friday!

Epiphany time…

It hit me ….what i’m feeling. Its the feeling of not having ANYTHING to look forward to. I guess that would be in the same boat as Hopelessness.

I have no friends, I’m the biggest I’ve ever been in my life and I just go to work, pick up the boy, go home, go to bed, and repeat.

Its pathetic. My life could have been SO much more different, if I just made ONE…just ONE choice different.

Hello, Loneliness…please have a seat

Sometimes, Lonely and his friends Sadness and Pain come to join me. I try to close my door to them but they shove their way in like theives in the night.

I find it so amusing that when I think back of myself at aged 24, Bride at a wedding, in a marriage that I knew would end of divorce…I don’t know who that woman was!

So I feel I should welcome my new friends. I mean, I did kind of bade them to come in…if I had made better choices. They would find someone else to bother.

But my Pastor says one is never lonely with Jesus by their side. I welcome Jesus to. He may be better company, in fact I know that He is better company.

Will always be alone

I just recently had the epiphany that I will never ever find love. I believe a person like me either doesn’t deserve it or just can’t have it.

It was a terrible thing to realize when it did finally hit me…so terrible that if I had a gun in my hand..the despressional state this realization put me in would have sent me over the edge and I wouldn’t have been typing this.

I’m still getting over realizing it.

oh there you are, sanity!

Today, I got up from crying and walking 2 hours on the streets from devastation and came back to this place where I’m supposed to finish my 2 weeks. Then be thrown back out into the world of searching for a job.

I came in and did not but send out my resume and look for a job. I don’t understand why they want me for two weeks just so I can sit here and use their internet but oh well.

I have a few routes that look a little better than my last bout with being jobless. But still it is enough to make me be done with it all.

“You should have been a boy….”

I actually agree with that statement. I probably would have a better relationship with my mother. It is easier in this world to be male. Maybe I’m just saying that because I’m not male and don’t see the hardships that the male species would argue about but I see it like I see it. It’s easier for men to run from their problems while woman have to face them and keep smiling. It’s easier for men to be jerks and then get promoted and more money for it. A successful woman in a corporate position is a bitch…and successful man in a corporate position is a hero.

Now don’t get me wrong..I really am not down on men, I just wished I was one. I’m tired of being a woman. Even physically, I’m tired of being a woman. Men can be a bit on the chubby side and still be considered sexy. Woman…can’t at all.

And being a mother puts a whole new aspect on it. Men can run from their responsibilities then complain about paying. Woman are deemed terrible if they run. Society thinks nothing of a man who doesn’t care to see their child. Makes me sick.

But what am I wishing I was another gender. I am who I am..maybe in another lifetime,  I can see what being male is like.