Seeing the future….it looks sad.

I’m coming to realize that my mother, has some SERIOUS mental issues.  Not schizophrenic or hearing voices.  She has some serious, beyond normal separation anxiety issues.  I have believed for years that she has Borderline Personality Disorder.

The most recent occurrence comes to mind. My son is 13, and will be going to a summer camp where I will be dropping him off in the morning and picking him up in the afternoon after work.  She will no long be doing that task which is what she’s been doing since about mid-March, dropped him off at school and picked him up from school.

I swear, the way she reacts to this, one would think that my son DIED.  She gets really upset when she realizes that we don’t need her all the time anymore.  Like I mentioned above, severe separation anxiety issues. When she a gets in this mode, she begins to throw around fals accusations.  She actually accused my son of saying he no longer wanted to be around him or my ailing father. I was shocked and was like “WHAT?” Turns out, when I actually got away from texting her (because through a text is the easiest way for her to lie and it’s her #1 source of communication when she doesn’t want me to force her to see the truth) and dialed her on the phone to get this info….surprise….surprise, the back peddling begins. No, he never said that.  That is just the way she feels.  That was a heavy accusation but I can expect nothing less from someone who is emotional unstable.  I never know what I’m walking into when I go to see her.

But I know that the looming gloom of the future days for her has got to be overwhelming.  Her “Golden Years” will not be filled with RV trips and 20 grand kids playing swings in her back yard.  Her days are going to be filled with loneliness and pain.  They will be filled with taking care of someone who used to be her soulmate and still is but no longer has the mind to communicate.

The pity I feel is for her, realizing this is her life, is what helps me get through her unstable moods and horrible words….for instance……

…..nothing like being told that I’m just WAITING for her and my beloved Dementia riddled father to die so I can live in their house and get an inheritance.  That one will never cease to sting, each time I think of it….

And that was just the most recent.  Being her daughter has meant a lifetime of put downs, and insults. As of now, little things are said daily, to me, about me, about my son.  How I’m failing in everything.  Over the years, those I really have learned to shake off, get up, say my goodbyes and state that we will try again another day.  But it never changes.  She just continues to spit out her venon in the form of insults, whether they are true or far fetched.

And never an apology….but OH God forbid my sister or I say anything remotely unkind to her…all hell breaks loose and she’s the properly placed victim.

But that is what makes me sad the most.  She has turned into someone that I only tolerate because she gave me life. Other than that, I offer no more of myself.  I just can’t get past her abrasive, cold attitude.  She doesn’t appreciate what my sister and I have done for her, helped her.  She is just wrapped up in her own world where it’s all about her, all the time. Anything else happens that doesn’t involve her (i.e. I take a small car trip with my son without her…..I get the “guilt trip, I’m stuck here alone with your father” act).

I wonder….I wonder if some day I can look at her and actually tell her how HARD she made it to even slightly love her.

But what I wonder most….is would she even care.

And Life Goes On…and On…and SQUIRREL!

Yup…Squirrel.

It has been a year since my visit to Painville. I still have horrible memories and even nightmares of the pain.  I have heard of people with chronic pain of some kind but I do not think that I am one of those poeple who can do chronic pain without losing my mind completely.

Then, of course there was the Glitch in the weight loss Matrix.  Apparently, eating and what I put in my mouth at any given moment will be a constant trial for me. I have to become borderline obsessed with eating for every waking minute, hour and day of my life. I realized that I will live the rest of my life in an up and down rollercoaster regarding my weight.  As of now, I’m in a slight valley with weight. But I was riding high on a mountain a few weeks ago and I’ll get it back.  Since I can’t do strenous exercise anymore due to my back, I am stuck with only power walking as cardio exercise.  I carry weights during my walking but that is all..I’m afraid to do to much because of my weight.  Hence,  I need to eat practically nothing to balance out my slow metabolism with the fact Im not doing strenuous cardio.  I will always hate it.

There is, of course, so much more to write.  But I’m actually really lazy and have to think my words out very carefully so as not to sound to bitter, harsh or just plain bitchy about many aspects of my life and the people in them.

So more to come.

 

 

 

“Laugh it up, Fuzzball…”

Apparently someone is laughing at me.

Maybe one of my multiple personalities is laughing at me.

All I know is that I was destined to be someones laughing stock.  I can’t help but think, it’s God.

I am sad today. I had to make the decision to not pursue a friendship with someone new.  My lot in life is to deal with my family, until death.  And I refuse to drag good people who deserve better, down with me.  I only encourage my son to run and run fast when he becomes of age…..run and RUN FAST!

I am sad.

So I work out.  I exercise and lift lots of weights.  I have no more hope or joy anymore but to keep losing weight.  It’s all I have control of.  Unless God decides to mess with that to, the one thing I still have control of in my life.

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Yes, that is a machine I use and yes, that is 70 lbs of weights.  I’m lifting as much weight as I’ve lost.  That is truly interesting.

We can’t choose our family, of course but I will never understand why God thought I could handle mine.  Some days I want to rip throats out.

And I will never understand why God thinks I’ll develop a stonger walk in His path when the family He’s given me chases away any person I associate myself with.

Shit….now I’m getting fucking MAD!

Can I just get drunk now? K, thanks!

And it continues…

thCAG72OOWI really thought that my mother and I were on the road to recovery. As I said in a previous post, I’ve learned to let a lot of her comments go through one ear and out the other because, for the most part, she says things to me just to either pick a fight or to shoot down my dreams.  Or sometimes, she’s just in a bad mood and lashes out at me because, well because she can.  It’s a free country and all.  Either way, I’ve learn to try and deal with the hurt that comes with her words but sometimes, it’s hard and last night’s conversation with her, was no exception.

I was concerned about the email I got from my sister, and I began to question whether I do gloat or boast about my weight loss, or meeting more positive new people.  I, most certainly do not want to come off as boastful when I am trying to be encouraging.

But you see, I’m still working on realizing when the problem sometimes doesn’t lie with me, but the OLD me sends me into a place that makes me question my actions.

So I made the mistake of asking my mother if that was the case.  I knew the minute the question left my mouth that it was a BIG mistake.  This opened up a door for her to enter the room of “let’s make sure we point out ALL you are doing wrong, while we are at it”.  And she even said…”well you asked the question”.

Yes, that’s right I did, but I’m still learning.

*Sigh*

It went something like this and I will jump in with points on how far fetched and ridiculous some of her comments are.  This is a real conversation.  I have made up nothing.  However, names and locations have been changed, to protect the innocent (and I hope that certain person doesn’t get offended that I’ve included them in this but no one knows who we are talking about anyway).

So here we go….

Me: Can I ask a question? Do I come off as boastful or show off with my weight loss?

Her: Well, you talk about it to much. You’re always saying how you are eating and what new size you are in.

Me: I may do that because I’ve never been in this place before in my life and I want to share.

Her: Well, you are always on recycle with your comments about your weight loss………

(then it began)….

Her: And now, you met this new person and what if you start to like him (I’ve known them for all of a little over a month. Jumping the gun a bit there?) and what are you going to do?  Are you going to take The Boy out of school, move to [a certain CA city]……are you going to move DOWN?!  And you haven’t been even going to church!

First, I have been going to church, I was just there last Sunday so she can leave that judgment at the door….and last I heard, I don’t have to answer to her regarding my church visits.

Second, let me explain the “Move…down” comment. I do not mean to offend anyone as these are NOT my words, nor my thoughts.

She means, that this certain city, where this church is that I want to visit and this new person who I’m befriending, is in a city that isn’t the best, although according to who, really depends.  I would never want to be associated with such a judgmental, non-humble type of thinking.  It’s disgusting.  And I find it very hard to keep my mind from wondering in the land of “what a hypocrite”.  Regardless, the snobbery that came out of that comment was appalling and really uncalled for considering; she lives in a pretty ghetto city herself.

Back to the conversation as the insults continue in the form of her thinking that I’m not putting The Boy first and, according to her, not feeding him…yes, she REALLY thinks I’m not FEEDING my child.

After the “moving down” comment…

Me: ..…….. (I decided that I would start biting my tongue after the “moving down” comment)

Her: The Boy doesn’t eat.  You need to feed him more vegetables and you shouldn’t feed him the Top Ramon.  (WTF?!?….last I knew, I’m the one who knows MY child best, lives with him and I’m constantly filling my fridge to accommodate his appetite).

Mkay so, the Top Ramon comment is because she saw 2 boxes of Top Ramon in my cabinet and laid in on me how that stuff is to salty and he shouldn’t be eating it every day.  First off, I agree, that stuff is super high in sodium.  Second, he doesn’t eat it every day.  Just like sweets, only in moderation.  But all she heard was “I’m feeding it to him morning noon and night”.

Also, to question that I’m not feeding him the proper nutrition, is just out right ridiculous.  I’m sorry, but WHO has lost 70 friggin pounds?  Again, I hate to come off boastful but the only way to lose that much weigh is to EAT….BETTER.  That means the items in my kitchen are not crap.  Hence, The Boy eats just fine.  Her theory, that I do not feed or that I feed my child crap, is severely faulty.

Going on….

Her: You are lying to me about something (……again, biting my tongue to bleeding at this point). You are lying about this new person you’ve met.

Me: (being VERY careful with my words at this point and just wanting to end this massacre of a conversation) Ok, I’m actually not lying about anything.  I’ve tried my best to be as truthful to all of you as possible in the positive way my faith and beliefs and attitude are going.  And that includes meeting new people who are on the same path as me.  I can’t predict the future so I can’t answer your “what if” questions.  I can only trust in God to know what is going to happen….

Her (Interrupting): *she laughs at my “trust in God” comment* Oh really?  Now you meet this new person and all the sudden you are all about God.

Me:  Um, well yes, even though God was already there but that is how fellowship with faithful people goes.  And it was always there…I just want it to grow.

Her:  You are hiding something from me about this new person. You think you are so smart but you still go back to lying and I’m not talking to you anymore.

thCA1QV66BI really am sick of being called a liar, at this point. If she wants to talk to a liar, she can go back to talking to her own sister.  I’m just flabbergasted because I’ve tried my BEST to be open and honest with my family as I’m not who I was a few years ago but that was just returned with my sister telling me to not talk about positive things around here because she is in a “bad place” and my mother with this conversation.  But this whole liar name calling is pushing my patience to its last limits as I’m pretty much done being called a liar, when I’m not.

Continuing…..

Me:  Well, what would you like to hear from me because all I can tell you is that positive new friends and a new church environment in my life is exactly what is going on. I have no hidden agenda.

Her (Interrupting):  You are being elusive and I’m going to hang up….

Me: Ok, but I can honestly tell you I’m not lying and want to resolve this in a……

She hangs up on me.

You know, going through the crux of that conversation again makes me actually, physically nauseated.

This woman…..*sigh*…..this woman has always been prone to these hissy fits when she doesn’t get her way.  It’s like an adult sized toddler tantrum.  Her and my sister are so much alike.  They seem to personify “Misery Loves Company” to perfection.  Yet, if I were to EVER tell them to just suck it up and have some faith, as both have told me oh so many times, I would literally, probably get beat down.  And I mean, literally, beat and then ostracized.

Welcome to my family.

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It’s just a sad state of affairs and hurts my heart more than makes me angry.

Over the past several months, because of other family issues and things I don’t agree about with my parents, I’ve pulled away, ever so slowly and ever so slightly, from them.  I am a mother and I have to think of my own child and that Boy is my absolute world.  My parents are not in a good place right now.  Even considering that it is mostly not their fault due to . I will always be sympathetic that my mother had a hard life, yet that excuse is slowly becoming tiresome. My father, he no longer can communicate or put sentences together and the last I heard, his memory is fading even faster.

thCA0CE7JLI will only pray for them now.

I am not like my Aunt who is someone who says they are walking a Christian path yet are an out right pathological liar, manipulator and cheat. I’m trying REALLY hard to find a better place for myself in this world. I’m trying hard to surround myself with more positive people who are gung ho all out for God. That is my road. It may not be anyone else’s, but it is mine.

I’m just having a hard time admitting to myself and accepting that my family, may not be able to go where I’m going. So all I can do keep walking my path and pray that the way I’m going can influence them to see that they can walk with me to, eventually

And to throw all the trash of our pasts away and look toward the future. But until then, I must pull away from them even more, especially if my “positive” attitude becomes a stumbling block.

Can you just STOP being so positive and happy please?!?!

No, I did not tell what this post is titled to someone.

I was told this…by my own sister.

First, I must collect my thoughts before I go through with this post. As I move on in my life, I’m finding that my family, is the crux of where most of my pain comes.

After all that I did for my sister in our last family debacle, creating a response to our aunt that was so intricate and detailed it allowed my sister the upper hand which, in turn, settled the feathers a bit, I got a huge stab in the back by her….I’m reeling.

Today, in an email, I sent my sister a link to a great message from a Pastor from a church near me that I’ve come to like listening to.  In this certain message, he was speaking about something my sister has been dealing with.  Now, my sister is a Christian as well, so I know that this is not me Bible Beating.  However, I’m on a new more positive path to meeting new people who share the same beliefs as myself and I’m open to listening to messages from other churches.  I shared this message with my sister because I thought it would relate directly with her.

I got this response back from her:

I know you are excited about [meeting new people], and I know that I should be a better sister, but I am not really at a good place regarding relationships, and if you always talk about it you may start seeing me back away, especially since I have had no luck on the [certain Christian online dating site] (I started to think it is me).

It is nothing personal with you, I know you are happy to be going out and meeting new people (that’s a good thing), but that is why sometimes I don’t talk to some of my girlfriends is because that is all they start talking about is the guy that’s in their life and then their world revolves around that person, and they have no sympathy for the single gal. I know you have been a single gal for awhile so I am sure you understand.

I hope that does not hurt  your feelings, but I felt like I just needed to be honest, and I was going to tell you yesterday in person, but you seemed rushed to leave to meet mom and dad.  I hope that your friendship’s do turn into finding someone (you deserve it!), but I just ask that it is not all of your conversation with me.

First, it is NOT all of my conversation. My conversation is more along the lines of how people of faith have influenced my thoughts.  I’m actually trying hard to see where it is all of my conversation!  And honestly, why SHOULDN’T I always talk about something positive in my life such as meeting positive people, etc.?

I’m telling you my jaw is hitting the floor with all this.

Second, I think the bolded part, is what disturbs me the most.  Unless I’m coming from left field about this, she is basically saying “screw anyone who is in a happy relationship or in happy friendships and how dare they show that they are happy in front of me”.  I mean if someone is in a relationship why the HECK can’t their world revolve around them? I didn’t realize this was Planet My Sister where she made the rules?

You know, my mother has hurt me a lot in my past with similar comments as this and at some point during those hurtful moments, I honestly thought I deserved it.  But now I’m wondering if these two really just don’t ever want to see me happy?  I would never say that is for sure but I don’t know what to think anymore!  I’ve since forgiven her for alot of her painful words and have moved on.  But this, I really don’t know what to think of this but I know that I didn’t deserve this.

Or I’m just to sensitive and wear my dumb heart on my sleeve. But I know, in my heart, that if the tables were turned, if I were in her shoes, I would NEVER EVER, have said what she did in that email.  I would never have selfishly tried to bring her down.  I would have kept it to myself.

So unless, I’m completely off here, what I get from this is that if my sister sees me going in a positive direction, or actually being happy for once in my life, she does not want me to SHARE it with her, whether I give the Glory is to GOD or not.  She wants me to not talk about or be positive because SHE is in a bad place?

So, then, basically, she doesn’t want a relationship with me because my very presence may emit positivity?

Someone tell me I’m wrong in thinking that is the most SELFISH thing I’ve ever heard!

On top of how hurtful this all is, it’s amazing how she decides to see my positivity as gloating?  And being that I’ve lost a lot of weight and now weigh less than her, by a lot of pounds, just my very presence, as I mentioned above, is gloating.

I have been betrayed by the last of these people who I only share blood with.

I’m appalled…..yet, I’m so sad for where she is right now….so very sad but I refuse to be pulled into her Misery Buffet.

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Please leave your dramatics at the door….

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I just want a few hours in church, listening to His word, drama free of family crud. 

I will admit that I was a bit perturbed that I couldn’t even start my time in church without my mother telling me that I should leave her alone and not be concerned for her and her struggles.  This stemmed from her sharing with my sister and I even more news on how her step mother is not only disrespecting her but now my father.   NOW….that crosses many lines because regardless if my father is developing Alzheimer’s he deserves every ounce of respect from all in his house that his hard work created.

So, she doesn’t want us to say our opinon or be conernced……fine….it is done.

A new friend recently told me I must surround myself with positive, faithful people.  My sister is super positive and tries to share it.  My sister is a woman of faith and loves God.  My mother, she lets so many people walk all over her and then complains that she carries their burdens.  She is so hard to love sometimes, even though I do.  Her life experiences have burdened her tremendously, however, I don’t feel that I should carry that burden she  makes us carry with her, anymore and she refuses to give it up to God.  It’s almost like she WANTS to carry all these burdens because its easier to make others feel more sorry for her.

I’m trying to close some negative chapters in my life.  It may be time to abide by her request to just “leave me alone”, even if that includes breaking the interactions. 
I need to build my faith in GOD more and no longer rely on my family to lift me up.  My mother can’t give to me what God does.  God has come through for me so much, sometimes I miss when He does because I’m so wrapped up in dealing with this family drama.

No more….I am throwing all I can into building my Faith in God, teaching my son to build his faith in God, and surrounding myself with believers, which will strengethen my already weakened soul.

I love my mother, I love my father, but I can do nothing for them, anymore.   I can only pray for them, and walk away.

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I just don’t get it…

I believe that when my mother gets me things that I don’t or can’t use it is just some sort of joke now.

I’ve mentioned before that my mom tends to gift me the strangest things.  Things I would never use or things I would think as my mother she would know me enough to know that I don’t even like.

This Christmas was no different.  For my birthday on December 2nd she got me boots that are not even my style or a style I’ve ever worn.  Luckily,  I was able to take them back for store credit and got boots more my style.

But the huge box I opened yesterday had me firmly convinced that this woman, doesn’t know me, her own daughter, or just doesn’t even care to.

I opened the huge box to this…
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I….don’t….drink….soda…

While I honestly think it’s a very neat product, as a non- soda or carbonated drinker, I would have zero use for it.  I mean, I do have my occassional Coke Zero every once in a while but I have no idea why she would think that I drink enough soda to warrant a machine to make it.  I drink water.  And she KNOWS that!  (I’m sorry but it really infuriates me that my mother doesn’t know me at all).

Then, the fact that she gave my sister the exact same thing and she IS a soda drinker and was ecstatic shows me, yet again, how not only my mother doesn’t care to know anything about me but will shove in my face how I’m the daughter she doesn’t care to know anything about.

I went online to guess on the cost of the set she gave me and let’s just put it this way.  She got me something I’ll never use for the same price it would have cost to get me a decent Disney Annual Pass, a gift that would have meant something to me.  So it wasn’t lack of money that caused this and I KNOW she isn’t clueless as to my sadness over not having my Disney Pass.

I’m honestly not trying to complain about a Christmas gift because I’m a spoiled brat.  She did get me some nice comfy pajamas (finally in the right size to, she forgets I’m 10 sizes smaller now than last Christmas) I just am so tired of no one caring enough about me to not even try to know what I like.  Not even my family cares to do that.  It really is hurtful.

And I try my best to listen and understand what people want.  My mother said she’s always cold in her house so I got her a nice fluffy and furry blanket.  I know my sister said she likes Bath & Body Works so I got her one of the more expensive bath sets.  Even my dad said he never got to see The Lone Ranger so I got him the BluRay.

But what fascinates me the most about this phenomenon is that people who are practically strangers (for example co-workers I’ve known for a short time) gift to me perfectly.  The attorney I work for got me L.A. Kings tickets.  He took the time to know we go to Ontario Reign hockey games and that my plays hockey.  An attorney I worked for two Christmas ago got me a cute Eeyore ornamant and Sally bottle and Eeyore Plushie.  He knew me all of 6 months and gifted me perfectly.

Anyway, it really depressed me how not one person on this planet cares about me enough to know what I like, to understand me.  I guess I’ll be putting that Soda making thing up on Craigslist soon enough.  Better to get some money out of it that have it sit in my cabinet, unused.

I wanted to add that I’m not really mad at her.  I just find this such an interesting occurrence between us.  And I have to just keep remembering that it was she and my dad that took out $2000 to give me to pay my divorce attorney so that I can take my ex-husband back to court.  She shows her support in other ways.  They are just not as endearing as how she shows my sister.

Or I’m just being a spoiled brat.  I am super tired, no exhausted, today and at work and bloated and crampy and scared out of my mind that I’ve eaten to much over the holidays and that I am gaining weight because I haven’t had time to work out.  I’m on the edge right now anyway.

38 years Married

HappyAnniversaryMickeyandMinnieToday, my parents celebrate their 38th wedding Anniversary.  Even if I met a man tomorrow and married him the next day, I probably couldn’t make it to almost 40 years of marriage simply because I would probably die first.  Not many now a days can claim that many years married to the same person.

The length of their marriage, I believe, is the reason why I never had a successful marriage and my sister will never be married.  It’s kind of like a curse.  My parents are soul mates only in the fact that my father allowed my mother to rule the roost, so to speak, but on all levels.  He made no decisions without her and did nothing without her.  He allowed her to run all with very little input from himself and putting up with her antics and believe me, she threw out some whopping doozy of adult tantrums from what I remember, even though she denies them all to this day and apparently, I was living a different childhood with different parents than from what I remember, so I’m the crazy one.

I’m really not putting down that they have been married for 38 years because I really do  believe that one can not live without the other, even though one (my mother) wouldn’t admit to it but probably will if she is the spouse left standing, should my father die first.  But more important to my “curse” theory is that I believe that a man like my Dad is the only type of man who would be able to deal with a woman like my mother and even women like myself and my sister. We are VERY tough cookies to crack, if we ever get cracked and we tend to be over dramatic and have non-diagnosed Biplor as well, no joke.  I think I’m a little more pliable and controlling of my rants than my sister and mother as I have more of an emotional side than they do, hence, I tend to be a more tender person.

So, I firmly believe there is no man on the planet suited for our types of personality.  I stand by that assumption because my sister and I are both alone and tolerant of very little.  My sister is worse than me.  I’m just exhausted of dealing with men who are out right assholes, which is pretty much all of them.

So Happy Anniversary to my parents and thanks to you both for making sure that my sister and I never have a long lasting marriage or marriages at all because you have had such a “successfully” long one.

Yeah, can I just spend the rest of my life drunk?

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I know, bad title especially for those who do deal with drinking problems, but I really have to admit…these past few days I’ve just wanted to drink my existence into oblivion.

I’m so emotionally drained.  The cat threw up on Saturday but the reason why is unknown to me.  He may have eaten to fast or something.  He hasn’t thrown up again and is seeming to be doing fine.  He is VERY clingy to me now though.  Now, he only eats his dinner IN my lap, nowhere else.  I would feed him all meals in my lap if it would get him to eat and gain weight but I have to work and can’t.  So, only his dinners are in my lap, on the couch.  I will now have to work my evening schedule around lap feeding my cat.  What’s funny is if you knew this cat’s personality, being clingy and cuddly is NOT what this cat is about so the constant “I MUST be sitting right on your lap” attitude he’s adopted is new for me.  I like it, but then realize, it’s just another whiny, clingy living creature I have to contend with.

I also have to give him medications, twice a day.  Antacids, for the upset tummy and Antibiotics for the mouth infection.  Apparently, there is no easy way to give a cat medications through a syringe or dropper.  He fights me every time and sometimes, sprays the medication all over the place and me because he shakes his head.  This morning, I made the mistake of getting fully dressed for work BEFORE giving him his meds.  Let’s just say I had to change just before walking out the door.

The total cost for this whole ordeal, after 3 nights of hospitalization, the initial first visit and the two meds and special food: $916.00  I have no words….

Anyway, the other clingy, whiny creature I contend with is The Boy.  I swear, I love that kid to death but he seriously needs to just grow a pair.  Harsh, I know, but he whines and complains at every little scratch or bump.  He hit his head while playing soccer at school and got a sore in his mouth, where the ball hit him.  Now it’s whining and moaning every time he eats because it stings the sore.  I say suck it up kid!  You want to play ice hockey?  You gotta learn to suck it up!  Are you  bleeding? No.  Anything broken? No. Then suck it up!

I’m mean, I know but hell! I used to play volleyball with dislocated fingers and busted knees!  My coach would say “wrap that up and let’s go!  You’re our best setter!”

The Boy needs to suck it up….

On top of that, I had another riling verbal go at it with my mother and sister after church on Sunday.

My sister…I laugh at her sometimes.  Not because I’m making fun of her but because she is trying to hold onto the last dying hope that our mother will actually stop trying to control our lives and not have “selective amnesia” when it comes to things we say.  I’ve told my mother I do NOT like when The Boy interrupts our adult conversations just so he can get a game on her iPad or to get her to turn her mobile WiFi on.  He knows to NEVER do that with me nor when my sister and I our talking.  Yet, when my mother is there…he turns into a disrespectful little bugger.  It’s because she allows it.

So, apparently, my mother doesn’t remember the 50 times I’ve told her that I will not allow disrespectful interrupting from The Boy, even though my sister backed up pretty much each time I’ve told her, as she has heard me say it to our mother, multiple times.  Nope, I get a “You have NEVER told me that” from my mother.

It’s unbelievable…

Our mother is also pissed we aren’t going to a baby shower of a cousin we never see nor hardly even know.  The only reason this cousin haphazardly invited us, through our mother, is so she can get more gifts.  It’s so blatantly obvious.  Our mother wants us to go and why does she? Well, I would assume it would be to “show us off” per say.  Especially me, who has lost all kinds of weight.  Now, apparently, I look good enough for her to brag about it.  With my mother, it’s all about how we look to others.  So sad really.

So, my sister calls me yesterday evening, after that harrowing conversation we all had saying “why do I need to go somewhere because SHE wants me to”? I simply tell her “Uh…sweetie…you don’t.  You are 30 years old.  You can do whatever the hell you want.  I’ve been telling you this for years now”.  She knows that she needs to let go of trying to please our mother, as I have done many years ago.  She also needs to come to terms that our mother will always hand out the guilt trips when she doesn’t get her way and my sister needs to learn to just push away.  Being close to our mother is something my sister has always reveled in, compared to me, who has always tried to steer clear from getting to attached to her.  But I’ve told her, there is a REASON I keep my distance.  She may just have to learn the hard way.

She’ll soon see the whole picture for what it really is and understand why I deal with our mother as little as possible.

And with all this stress, I didn’t realize that I was ripping my fingers to absolute shreds.  My cuticles, every single one of them, are not now doused in antibiotic ointment and have a bandaid wrapped around them.  It got so bad that I couldn’t feel the tips of my fingers anymore.  I really need to get a hold of this disease.

I guess I work hard….so you don’t have to!

There is yet another pheonomenon that I find interesting.  It is that of my mother in regards to my weight loss.  Honestly, sometimes, her ways of thinking and her priority system really does amuse me to the extent that I giggle.

At this family lunch that I mentioned in my last “Weigh In” post, I was probably the only one not over eating and obese (aside from my father who is losing weight due to health).  I would say my cousin’s daughter who is 19 was the only one dressed cute in a sun dress and looking like she weighed about 100 (she’s super cute).

However, no one noticed my weight loss enough to mention it and I would think 43 lbs is enough for someone to notice!  Or if they did notice, they didn’t mention it.  I wasn’t about to announce it because I did not want to make my over weight, over eating family feel bad.

I didn’t have to because it was my mother who suddenly felt the urge to mention “oh by the way, she’s lost weight…hey tell them how much.”

*sigh* This was not pride that prompted her to mention it…it was boasting.  Never before had I ever enjoyed the pride of being given a “hey look at MY daughter” announcement by her at a family function ever.  Usually it’s “just stay in the corner and pretend you don’t belong to me” kind of vibe I get from her.  Then again, I could be being dramatic in thinking this but it is what I feel.  I can’t deny that.

Suddenly, I work DAMN hard to lose weight and it’s her win?!  It’s her win because NOW she gets to show me off.  Oh sure, she may claimed that before when she was telling me how fat I was that she was saying it only because she doesn’t want me to have diabetes.  But now that the weight loss is happening, I didn’t hear “hey everyone, my daughter has lost 43 lbs and now she won’t have diabetes!“.  Nope, it was more like “hey everyone look at MY daughter.  Now she looks decent enough for me to announce that she is MY daughter“.

Again, I may be reading into it and being dramatic but I can’t help but come up with this conclusion.  Really…I laugh at this scenario yet, I feel sad for her because I feel like sometimes, she’s living her life through her daughters because she feels her life is over.  Honestly, I just don’t know WHAT to make of her sometimes.  She is so bi-polar I have to prepare myself when I know I MUST see her to be ready for whatever end of the spectrum her mood will be in.  It is truly exhausting.

So, even though she will still always say I’M her “difficult daughter“….no one can tell her I’m the one eating 7+ pieces of pizza in one sitting…that is for dang sure!

This is how my mother apologizes

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What you see there is $20 and a Trader Joe’s gift card for $75 that I found under my door mat.  Just after finding this, was a text “keep the lines of communication open, ok?”

That is how my mother apologizes for coming into my home and disrespecting me but only after I stopped answering her texts and phone calls.  She only does it because she thinks I’m going to not allow her and my father to see The Boy.  In all honesty, that offends me because I would never deny her or my father from seeing their grandson and she knows that.  That would just be mean as they aren’t disrespectful to him.  It is just me.  Our personalities clash way to much.  And The Boy is really starting to see through all the smoke and mirrors and react to it.  And if I know his personality as he grows, he ain’t gonna put up with no B.S.  And I back him up 100%.

Also, not that I’m ungrateful for free groceries and gas money but never would she ever actually SAY “I’m sorry” because deep down, she’s doesn’t feel like she does or says anything wrong.  Even I would not claim I do nothing wrong.

So, “lines of communication” will still be on the “treading lightly” setting, for the time being.  At least for me.  And I’m actually pretty busy.  It still blows my mind that if I don’t answer her texts all the time, every time, she makes it all about herself.  I’m trying to raise a child here.  The world doesn’t revolve around her dramatics.

*sigh* This rollercoaster of drama is really making me want to vomit.  I want off now.

Regardless, this is the most of an apology I’ve ever gotten. So, it warmed my heart a bit. I still love her so much.

Emotional rollercoaster….

Being the Middle Sister

So my older sister (she lives in Montana) will be in Vegas in June and my younger sister wants us to meet up with her there….

What does the “Middle Sister” say?

Well, as the always over looked and ignored Middle Sister, I say I guess. Then they say, mom and dad are going to watch the boy, we are going to club and drink and party….

Uh…Middle Sister says: “no thanks…been there, done that, have the divorce to prove it.”

Besides, that is not my thing anymore, if it ever was. I actually don’t like going to Vegas, especially with the boy. And here is why:

One can’t even walk the strip anymore and take in the sights without some illegal handing you a flyer of a almost naked chick. The last time I went, a few years back, I had the boy with me and he could see them all on the ground and such. I said never again.

What is sad is that I do like to take my camera to photograph the Bellagio Fountains, but I can’t with the boy because those flyer people are there to, shoving the flyers in your face. Ridiculous.

So I actually do not like that Vegas is where a sister reunion is ending up being. And sometimes, I wonder at my sister’s….or maybe I’m just always the odd one out. I am guessing the latter simply because, that is just how its always been. Or maybe that’s just how I have always felt.

P.S. Yes, there is an actual Wine company called “Middle Sister”  Moscato is my favorite.

when there is nothing you can do…

So, I had got tickets for my whole family to attend the hockey game tonight. Apparently, my dad had another fit on the way to my place. My mom was exhausted with it.

He is slowly losing his memory and its been happening alot faster lately. He no longer can talk as he can’t get the words out or even form them at all. And now…my mom was telling me he is  becoming more explosive lately. By that she means if she even tries to correct him about something or anything like that, he explodes and will storm off, out of the house at any time of the night or, this latest incident, he tried to jump out of the moving car that she was driving!

I am not surprised to hear this. He has always had such a horrid temper and I saw alot of it growing up. I used to piss off both my parents with my mouth and snippy comments to them. Yeah I was bad but he used to explode at me alot.

I remember the last big blow out we had was a few years ago and it was because I said I was moving out. He  pushed me against a wall, in front of my kid, yelling in my face. All because I said I was moving out of their house, at the age of 32.

He has always been a hard worker and just retired with 37 years in his company but…it didn’t end without turmoil.

And now…he’s exhausting my  mother and I try to support her as I can but I find even that hard because, well her and I never have and never will see eye to eye. Her constant put downs and negativity towards me in the 36 years I’ve been her daughter has caused me to  detach from her so much…..I have to muster the strength from somewhere to sympathize with her.

Our family is reaching the end of it all though…I really feel it looming.

Life changer…happened today

I had wondered what it would feel like to hear what I heard today. And I was surprised at how I felt.

My mother has the beginnings of  breast cancer. The biopsy came back positive.

She just told me today and I felt….I felt sadness. But nothing beyond  the sadness one would humanly feel when another human is dealing with a crisis. I don’t know how else to put it.

Some history…I have been detaching from my mother for years now and what she told me today made me realize how utterly and shamefully detached I was.

I had to write about this and let it out because I feel like I’m am going to  burn in hell for not feeling. And I can’t shake that it is this detached indifferent feeling that will keep me from being good with God but I, of course, will try and make things as easy as possible for her in any way I can. It is what it is. It did not come from no where as I’ve tried many times to utterly adore as I’ve seen other daughters do with their mothers but..but I can’t.

Please remember this is 35 years of growing indifference in me, always aggravated and again, it does not come from no where.

But as I said above….I will make it all as easy for her as possible because, regardless of what  kind of relationship I do or do not have with my mother… because she is still just that.