Dentist….that is all this title needs to say

In about an hour, I will be sitting in a dentist chair.  I am utterly petrified.

thI haven’t been to the dentist in 3 ½ years. I am ashamed to admit that but the last time was a horrible experience from a dentist in S. California that might as well have been in a back alley of a Mexico back street. They mutilated my mouth and did a horrible job.

I haven’t been since.

So, I finally got good dental insurance and 3 years is a long time to not have gone to the dentist although I do take care of my mouth. I was referred to a dentist and told they are super nice and caring but honestly, it’s not the dentist nor the assistant I’m afraid of. It’s those horrible tools. ALL metal they are….all metal…and all metal in my mouth, turns into a bedrock of pain and shocking agony.

I’m just getting a cleaning but I’ll be shaking the whole time.

Hello! And how are you? How was your weekend?

“Hello! And how are you? How was your weekend?”

Ah, to be a human out in the world of other humans.  How many times have we been asked this question and in response, smiled and said something along the lines of “I’m doing great and my weekend was fantastic!”?

In reality, you are in physical pain constantly because your lower back feels like it’s barely being held together by string, you deal with migraines just about every week, the fat keeps piling on no matter how much you move or how much you don’t eat and it weighs you down and you have an emotionally draining mother who demands attention whenever you are with her and her “it’s all about MY problems” look on life in tie with an ailing father who doesn’t communicate or interact at all.  This piled up on top of your own worries of trying to keep a household on a pay that doesn’t fit the economy (thanks to moving to a state that is 50 years behind the USA cost of living) and trying to keep a stable relationship with a 13 year old son who is starting to just want to have nothing to do with you…but sure wants your money. greatthanks
I guess that would be a lot longer to say in response to a short inpersonal question.  Oh and I’m pretty sure that the person asking, really doesn’t genuinely care how you are REALLY doing.

The truth is, some people are WAY to perky and LAUGH way to much.  I want to turn to them and say,

Look! Not all of us have a hard working spouse, two incomes and wonderful little perfect children.  Some people, and by some people I mean ME, have to sometimes choose between food and gas just to stay afloat. So constantly ranting about your all of the above to me, pretty much makes me want to punch a baby. Knock it off…I don’t care!

But that would be mean and un-sociable.

So I smile and nod and say the socially accepted phrases such as “oh isn’t that great” or “oh so cute

But really…..

 

Luke-----I-Don--t-Care

 

Just waiting to see Elsa around the corner!

I truly believe that I have never seen this must snow ever in my entire life.  Now, I’ve been around snow.  S. California does have mountains that can get pretty packed with the white stuff.  But I have never experienced it to this capacity.

I got stuck in front of my sister’s house last night. My car wouldn’t budge.  We shoveled the snow around the wheels.  We broke ice underneath the wheels.  We even used something my mother got from HSN that you put under the tire and it gives the traction.  That didn’t work either, surprise surprise.  After about an hour of digging and shoveling and running my tires into the ground (so it felt), I finally got out of the snow embankment on her curb with the help of my sister and 12 year old son pushing my car from behind, to give it momentum…..only to get stuck 20 feet further.  Wash….rinse and repeat.

Apparently, the County we live in, here in Idaho, doesn’t plow the residential streets.  But from what I’m hearing, this area hasn’t received almost 10 inches of snow in a few days since 1985!  So neighborhood streets are pretty much undriveable.  Everyone is getting stuck.

Yeah, that is a big “Welcome to Idaho” for me. My first winter really has me wanting to just sit in my apartment and binge watch every show out there.  I don’t even want to go to work.

But it is still very beautiful…IF I’m inside staring at it from through a window!

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But on a much cooler note (pun is absolutely intended)…I won 2nd place at my apartments’ Xmas decorating contest….$100!  That was really an unexpected surprise.  I tend to be very competitive and I was kind of obsessing about winning this contest.

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Happy Birth…aw shut the f*&% up!

54174145Today is my birthday but really, I could care less.  Later today, I will be forced to stand in front of a cake while my co-workers sing Happy Birthday.  I want to do what I have done at all my other jobs and that is completely skip this day, as far as cake and singing goes.  But these people won’t allow that.  I’m not mad really.  I just wished this day would go by without recognition.  For the most part it does. I don’t have my birthday set on my Facebook so I don’t get those millions of “happy birthday from the person who you don’t even know in real life!” on my Facebook feed.67017502

The truth is, I’ve never acknowledged this day since about 15 years ago because my whole  life I’ve never been acknowledged or noticed by anyone anyway.  As of lately, I can’t even have a conversation with my mother and/or sister not just because I really only tolerate them and their constant negativity but because they really don’t allow others to speak in the conversation. It’s nothing but talking over everyone else and interrupting.  It becomes a narcissistic type of conversation where what THEY have to say is the only thing that matters.  It is actually quite rude and I’m sick of it.  So I sit there and just listen with tons to say but no way to jump in fast enough to say it.

And don’t think that just because my birthday is the same month as Christmas I get double the gifts.  That has never happened for the following reasons:

  1. I grew up in a cult that didn’t even celebrate Christmas and;
  2. When I was finally out of the cult and celebrated Christmas it was believed that a birthday gift AND a Christmas gift could be combined. Hence, I get 1 gift for the price of two occasions…..

imageYeah…a combination of cheap family and never getting noticed anyway.  So who really cares if I’m one year closer to my death.

I’m 40 by the way…just more lemon juice in the gaping hole that is my soul.

HE HAS BAD GRADES!!

Yup, that is all I heard being yelled at my son’s Cross Country Meet that he could attend but not participate in because of his grades.  Not only is this school no joke about grades and athletics (California schools can all go suck it) but they are really on top of it and strict about performance.image

The Boy had his first Life Lesson on learning about the consequences of being a slacker.

While he was still forced to ATTEND the meet….it was noticed by all, teammates and parents alike, that he was standing on the side lines. Hence….the title is all I heard.

“Yes…thank you for shouting that across the field little teammate…maybe you can shout it a bit louder??”

So then I wonder….why was I the one who was absolutely mortified to be his mother.  I wanted to crawl under a rock and not be associated with this loser of a kid. It was probably the first time I was utterly embarrassed to have him as a son. I’m sure it won’t be the last time.

However, all that changed because I will say that since then, he has missed three meets and by that I mean, he is at them, he just can’t participate. But today is the final meet and he actually brought his grades up enough to be able to participate. He brought one grade of a D up to a B+!!!  And all D’s are at C’s.  It’s just  Math that was in the F range for a while….but I’m working on that with him.  But still….I say that’s pretty awesome!

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So, he had to hang his head in the Cone of Shame for a while, as did I, by default,  but he roughed it out and got his shit together. That is what life is all about, right?

Early morning in Idaho

Something woke me up at 5am, an un-Godly hour for me. I laid in bed staring at the wall for 30 minutes then decided on coffee.

As I was making it desired coffee, I realized this was my first early Idaho morning. I sat on the balcony in 50 degrees and my senses were telling me that this was a different morning cold that California.  The air is fresh, clean.  The sky is otherworldly.  It’s still dark but the it is a radiant navy blue to my right and turning lavender as the sun rises to my left. And I’m thinking this is why I’m alive.

And even as I finish this post, the sky grows a lighter purple, the stars disappear and my heart gets heavy again, realizing I’m sharing this with no one.

God did not intend humans to be alone but apparently He intended that for me.

I run because I hate my body…..

If anyone has every ventured onto the Network TLC they may recognize the show “My 600 lb Life”. These stories are sad yet so true. The torment that goes on with someone who struggles with weight and relationships with food can be devastating. And it is a life long struggle, not a quick fix….life f-ing long

I am one of them. No, I didn’t have 300+ lbs to lose….only about 100 at the most. After two years of constantly monitoring what I put into my face, after two years of working out regularly (meaning 3-4 times a week), after two years of yelling at the donuts and bread bowls that literally prance their irresistibility at me, I’m steady at a 65-70 lb loss. Maintaining it is the worst, let alone trying to lose the last 30 to get to 100 lbs total lost.

I now understand why thin and fit people don’t eat and why exercise is a daily part of their daily routine. It HAS to be. It literally HAS to be. That is unless, one is magically born with metabolism faster than the speed of light. I never adopted that ability and as I get older, my metabolism dwindles to the speed of grass growing.

However, do not think that I am in any way complaining. In fact, it is the quite opposite. Losing this much weight and changing living habits and food choices has shown a whole different side of myself I never knew in my 38 years of being on this planet.

7ea8ded7acfc79dbc93c538b291d7e18So to explain the title of this post, “I run because I hate my body” yes, that is true. I hate my body. I hate and I’m so MAD at the gene pool I was given. This pool is filled with obesity, diabetes, cancer, alcoholism, Alzheimer’s and many more of the life threatening ailments that can kill a person. I fight genetics daily or at least try to because there are some things that I can’t help. But what I CAN help…I will do my best to help. I yell at the donuts that are by my coffee pot at work. I muster all my energy to go on that 2 mile run each day and find the tools to make it just a bit easier…..but only just a bit.

One of those tools is a wonderful app that I’ve discovered called Zombies Run!  unnamedCA3G3JZCThis has to be the best migration of making exercise an actual GAME. It’s like the gamer’s dream come true! Well it was THIS gamer’s dream come true anyway. But go look …..you’ll see what I mean. I use that app on every run I go on and evade the Zombies as I go. It was the best $3.99 I’ve spent in the Google Play store…ever!

Another tool I use from this modern world age of technology is Fitness Pal.unnamedCA6ELWCV  It is a calorie counter and if I’ve learned only one thing on this journey it is that if one were to monitor every single thing put into their mouth….one would realize how much junk is going into their body. It really is an eye opener.

However, I think after these two years, it’s nice to know that I am a runner…even though I thought I wasn’t. I’m up to running for up to 10 minutes at a time. Granted, it is more of a jog at about 4.0 pace but I’m telling you, that Zombies Run! Game helps! Every once in a while, Zombies will chase me and I have to speed it up and I pick up necessary supplies for my base camp as I run. Helps to keep motivation at it’s highest and helps the time go by faster, that is for sure.

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But basically ….this….all in good humour!

I will continue to try and lose the last 30 lbs to get to my goal weight but for now.  I don’t think I want to ever see 250 lbs again…ever…..ever.

Of course, I’m still attending to and raising The Boy.  He has now switched from wanting to play Hockey to now wanting to start Baseball.  I got him into a Little League just last week and he starts in March.  I live to serve that kid…..brat!  Naw…I would do anything for that….brat! Ha! He’s my world!

I’m not dating, nor do I think I ever will.  I have come to realize that, apparently, a woman who is the following is not attractive to men at all:

1) A women who would rather go to a Lord of The Rings Movie AND knows all the lore and back story than make a man go shoe shopping AND hold her purse, is not attractive.

2) A woman who would rather play video games on the Xbox One is not attractive.

3) A woman who is not that bad looking and now has a pretty good body is not attractive.

I have just pretty much described myself.  I am such a geek/gamer “know all the history of The Walking Dead, Marvel characters AND most video games” woman that I even blow my own mind! Go ahead, ask me anything about Legend of Zelda.  I don’t care how it looks!

It is incredible that I haven’t snatched up some guy.  Nope…apparently men like the ditzy blondes with big boobs (even though I can claim that to…) and no brains (that is something I will never claim though).  If that is the case, they shouldn’t complain when that ditzy blonde makes you go shoe shopping.  I guess they will do what ever other man (and woman to for that matter) will do…cheat.

So no, I will never date….because apparently, I’m TO much of a geek.  I guess?

And this……………Gamestop………….is SOOO true.  But I swear male heads explode when I say I ALSO am a Pro Rewards Member…..sheesh…..

I would like to close this post with one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite movies.

League of their own quote

In the Zombie Apocolypse, there is no money…

Rose Smith: Money. I hate, loathe, despise and abominate money.

Mr. Alonzo Smith: You also spend it.

Meet Me In St. Louis, 1944

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That about sums it up for me.  I really hate money, yet I need to spend it.  I can NOT seem to get on top of my finances.  It seems like everywhere I turn money is slipping through my fingers.  And you would think, “Oh she’s spending it on herself getting her hair and nails done…”…NOPE!

Per month, roughly….I spend:

A couple hundred on Hockey lessons, for The Boy

Another couple hundred on hockey gear, for The Boy

A couple hundred for before and after school care so I can work to pay for the before and after school care.

A couple more hundred on school PTA because he HAD to have the Knotts Tickets that come with the payment, among other things. (but that was actually only this month)

A couple more hundred on food which The Boy consumes within days forcing me to spend another couple hundred only days later.

A couple more hundred on shoes and accessories that The Boy MUST have (like $60 Adidas shoes).

Do you see the pattern?

Oh and then somewhere in there I pay $1200 rent on the 755 square foot cracker box I live in, utilities (Fuck You Verizon FIOS and Verizon Wireless and your over priced crap service), and a car payment on a piece of crap VW, which is also over priced.

Lastly, I buy my cat the cheapest cat food I can find. Friskies, seems to be the winner lately.

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What’s left for me? A trip to the Goodwill for some used $3 tops so I don’t go to work naked or I take charity from my sister’s closet of clothes she no longer wears.  I’ve given up on trying to eat any kind of solid food that isn’t snacks or left over food from big-wig lunch meetings that I can beg scraps for.  Hence my current and probably on-going weight loss and stomach ulcers.  Also, hair that desperately needs to be trimmed yet, grows past my waist, because I can’t cut it myself and can’t afford to go to a salon.  So I let it just grow.  Just call me friggin Rapunzel!

iceAnd this is just the tip of the iceberg on my money issues.  There are odds and ends that I am always digging into my pockets for that just drive the knife deeper.  The kicker is, I do get child support, I have a pretty good paying job…you would think the problem is my budgeting….

Nope, it’s that I live in the worst state in this union when it comes to finances, over priced housing, taxes etc.  I hate it here and want to move so desperately.

So yeah, I hate loathe and despise money, but even though I don’t want to, I spend it. OR rather my 10 year old kid spends it.

He will be getting a job as soon as he is of legal age. That is for damned sure!

Lord Jesus give me the strength…

Today, during my lunch hour, as I was pumping gas into my car, a young man, about 19 or 20, maybe younger, walked up to me asking for 75 cents to get a bus ride to his Aunt’s house.  I asked him how he ended up in this city and why he couldn’t live with his Aunt.  He shook his head and said he was homeless.  I honestly thought this kid had to have been a teen.  He looked like a high schooler.

But I didn’t see a young stranger…I saw my son.  I thought to myself, “If something happened to me and there was NO one to take care of my son, I would not want my son to have to be reduced to pan-handling and I would hope someone would give him charity.”

I gave that kid all the cash I had in my wallet.

I just saw a small little boy in this kid.  A part of me wanted to give him my number and take him out to dinner!  I knew that wasn’t possible though because even though good people want to do good things, bad people will always prevail.  And I didn’t even know if this boy was telling me the truth at all.  For all I know, he could have turned around and took the cash I handed him to the liquor store.  As it was, he took my money, but he did say thank you as I told him “God Bless” and then he said thank you again, then ran off across the street.

06956-TrkyChdrSub-032414I came back to work, sat at my desk, and looked at the Lunchables that I had gone out of my way to buy at the Vons (where this gas station was) for my own Boy, because he likes Lunchables as a treat.  I stared at the Lunchables, with their Hershey’s Kisses, sub sandwich and Capri Sun and told myself that I am doing good for that kid and it is my job to make sure he knows it.  If there is one thing that I am trying to keep out of that boy, it is ungratefulness.

Because the Lord giveth…and…the Lord can taketh away.

I came back to my desk, at work, and prayed to God that I may have touched that poor boy’s life regardless if he took my money and went to a liquor store or if he truly did need to get to his Aunt’s house.  Even if it was only because I talked to him rather than shoo him off like I’m sure most have.  I can only hope that he was telling the truth and he was just trying to get a bus ride to his Aunt’s.  It is beyond me now.

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My heart aches for the pain and suffering in this world.  My heart aches for those who feel that it’s over.  This stems from the news of Robin Williams.  I’ve seen many a celebrity die in tragic ways during my lifetime but this one…this one hurt my heart.

The depth of depression is nothing that any human on this planet could fathom, even the person who is dealing with it.  It is a disease that warps our reality and rules our minds.  To personify it, I would think, in the worst cases that more than likely end in the person thinking death is the only way out, it makes their world look upside down.  Almost like Alice through the Looking Glass.  Everything is wrong, up is down and down is up.  That has got to be awful.  And the sadness. The overwhelming sadness.  I know that I have my bouts of depression but I find my way out.  I feel for those who can’t crawl out of the hole that depression digs.

As I’ve always said, it would be like being sucked into The Nothing, where the only thing left behind is the pain and sorrow of the darkness of….well, of there being NOTHING.

Out of all the tributes that every other celebrity made, I liked Jimmy Fallon’s the best and in the comedic way that Robin was all about…

Jimmy Fallon Tribute to Robin Williams

While only God can know what Mr. Williams was thinking during his last breath, I would like to hope that he is now making God laugh with his antics.

We are only on this earth for a short time, then we will all meet again under the righteousness of our Lord.

 

 

Lunar Eclipse

It’s 12:15 am and I’m here on my porch watching the Lunar Eclipse. The moon is now completely dark red.  It is super dark here on my porch meaning the moon really gives off some super light that we take for granted.

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I’m fascinated and enthralled yet, feel a little pang that I am not sharing this with anyone here next to me. I did wake up The Boy and he stumbled out to see it, said “that is awesome” then stumbled back into bed.

Regardless,  this was well worth staying up late. And oh my gosh…the moon is now COMPLETELY blood red!!!!
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“Laugh it up, Fuzzball…”

Apparently someone is laughing at me.

Maybe one of my multiple personalities is laughing at me.

All I know is that I was destined to be someones laughing stock.  I can’t help but think, it’s God.

I am sad today. I had to make the decision to not pursue a friendship with someone new.  My lot in life is to deal with my family, until death.  And I refuse to drag good people who deserve better, down with me.  I only encourage my son to run and run fast when he becomes of age…..run and RUN FAST!

I am sad.

So I work out.  I exercise and lift lots of weights.  I have no more hope or joy anymore but to keep losing weight.  It’s all I have control of.  Unless God decides to mess with that to, the one thing I still have control of in my life.

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Yes, that is a machine I use and yes, that is 70 lbs of weights.  I’m lifting as much weight as I’ve lost.  That is truly interesting.

We can’t choose our family, of course but I will never understand why God thought I could handle mine.  Some days I want to rip throats out.

And I will never understand why God thinks I’ll develop a stonger walk in His path when the family He’s given me chases away any person I associate myself with.

Shit….now I’m getting fucking MAD!

Can I just get drunk now? K, thanks!

Can you just STOP being so positive and happy please?!?!

No, I did not tell what this post is titled to someone.

I was told this…by my own sister.

First, I must collect my thoughts before I go through with this post. As I move on in my life, I’m finding that my family, is the crux of where most of my pain comes.

After all that I did for my sister in our last family debacle, creating a response to our aunt that was so intricate and detailed it allowed my sister the upper hand which, in turn, settled the feathers a bit, I got a huge stab in the back by her….I’m reeling.

Today, in an email, I sent my sister a link to a great message from a Pastor from a church near me that I’ve come to like listening to.  In this certain message, he was speaking about something my sister has been dealing with.  Now, my sister is a Christian as well, so I know that this is not me Bible Beating.  However, I’m on a new more positive path to meeting new people who share the same beliefs as myself and I’m open to listening to messages from other churches.  I shared this message with my sister because I thought it would relate directly with her.

I got this response back from her:

I know you are excited about [meeting new people], and I know that I should be a better sister, but I am not really at a good place regarding relationships, and if you always talk about it you may start seeing me back away, especially since I have had no luck on the [certain Christian online dating site] (I started to think it is me).

It is nothing personal with you, I know you are happy to be going out and meeting new people (that’s a good thing), but that is why sometimes I don’t talk to some of my girlfriends is because that is all they start talking about is the guy that’s in their life and then their world revolves around that person, and they have no sympathy for the single gal. I know you have been a single gal for awhile so I am sure you understand.

I hope that does not hurt  your feelings, but I felt like I just needed to be honest, and I was going to tell you yesterday in person, but you seemed rushed to leave to meet mom and dad.  I hope that your friendship’s do turn into finding someone (you deserve it!), but I just ask that it is not all of your conversation with me.

First, it is NOT all of my conversation. My conversation is more along the lines of how people of faith have influenced my thoughts.  I’m actually trying hard to see where it is all of my conversation!  And honestly, why SHOULDN’T I always talk about something positive in my life such as meeting positive people, etc.?

I’m telling you my jaw is hitting the floor with all this.

Second, I think the bolded part, is what disturbs me the most.  Unless I’m coming from left field about this, she is basically saying “screw anyone who is in a happy relationship or in happy friendships and how dare they show that they are happy in front of me”.  I mean if someone is in a relationship why the HECK can’t their world revolve around them? I didn’t realize this was Planet My Sister where she made the rules?

You know, my mother has hurt me a lot in my past with similar comments as this and at some point during those hurtful moments, I honestly thought I deserved it.  But now I’m wondering if these two really just don’t ever want to see me happy?  I would never say that is for sure but I don’t know what to think anymore!  I’ve since forgiven her for alot of her painful words and have moved on.  But this, I really don’t know what to think of this but I know that I didn’t deserve this.

Or I’m just to sensitive and wear my dumb heart on my sleeve. But I know, in my heart, that if the tables were turned, if I were in her shoes, I would NEVER EVER, have said what she did in that email.  I would never have selfishly tried to bring her down.  I would have kept it to myself.

So unless, I’m completely off here, what I get from this is that if my sister sees me going in a positive direction, or actually being happy for once in my life, she does not want me to SHARE it with her, whether I give the Glory is to GOD or not.  She wants me to not talk about or be positive because SHE is in a bad place?

So, then, basically, she doesn’t want a relationship with me because my very presence may emit positivity?

Someone tell me I’m wrong in thinking that is the most SELFISH thing I’ve ever heard!

On top of how hurtful this all is, it’s amazing how she decides to see my positivity as gloating?  And being that I’ve lost a lot of weight and now weigh less than her, by a lot of pounds, just my very presence, as I mentioned above, is gloating.

I have been betrayed by the last of these people who I only share blood with.

I’m appalled…..yet, I’m so sad for where she is right now….so very sad but I refuse to be pulled into her Misery Buffet.

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Please leave your dramatics at the door….

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I just want a few hours in church, listening to His word, drama free of family crud. 

I will admit that I was a bit perturbed that I couldn’t even start my time in church without my mother telling me that I should leave her alone and not be concerned for her and her struggles.  This stemmed from her sharing with my sister and I even more news on how her step mother is not only disrespecting her but now my father.   NOW….that crosses many lines because regardless if my father is developing Alzheimer’s he deserves every ounce of respect from all in his house that his hard work created.

So, she doesn’t want us to say our opinon or be conernced……fine….it is done.

A new friend recently told me I must surround myself with positive, faithful people.  My sister is super positive and tries to share it.  My sister is a woman of faith and loves God.  My mother, she lets so many people walk all over her and then complains that she carries their burdens.  She is so hard to love sometimes, even though I do.  Her life experiences have burdened her tremendously, however, I don’t feel that I should carry that burden she  makes us carry with her, anymore and she refuses to give it up to God.  It’s almost like she WANTS to carry all these burdens because its easier to make others feel more sorry for her.

I’m trying to close some negative chapters in my life.  It may be time to abide by her request to just “leave me alone”, even if that includes breaking the interactions. 
I need to build my faith in GOD more and no longer rely on my family to lift me up.  My mother can’t give to me what God does.  God has come through for me so much, sometimes I miss when He does because I’m so wrapped up in dealing with this family drama.

No more….I am throwing all I can into building my Faith in God, teaching my son to build his faith in God, and surrounding myself with believers, which will strengethen my already weakened soul.

I love my mother, I love my father, but I can do nothing for them, anymore.   I can only pray for them, and walk away.

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“The idea of Summmer…and all things….HOT…”

Yeah, I just couldn’t think of a title but oh how much I love that Snowman!

If you are reading this, you might want to make sure you have the time and grab a coffee and pull up a chair.  This might be a long update.

So, this morning, I drop off The Boy at before care and the room is all dark and every single child is staring at the tv and singing along to our favorite Snowman….

I proudly announced that his voice and that “Summer” song is my ring tone…I have no shame!  I love that Snowman!

Happy Anniversary!  You registered on WordPress.com 1 year ago! Thanks for flying with us. Keep up the good blogging!

Yes, it has been 1 year that I’ve had this WordPress blog open. It doesn’t seem that long yet, it kinda does. I think that may be because of the massive amount of writing I’ve put into this thing and how much of my life history I’ve revealed.

4th Grade Project

THearstCastle-712894his month is 4th grade project month.  Apparently, 4th graders are no longer tied down to doing just a Mission located here in California.  At least my kid’s school isn’t requiring a California Mission.  We get to choose any California landmark we desire.  I decided….oh I mean THE BOY….decided Hearst Castle in San Simeon, CA.  How the HELL I’m going to make a model of this thing now has me worried that I may have bit off more than I can chew…but it’s THE BOY’s project…right? It doesn’t reflect at ALL on me..right?

Wrong….

But regardless, I will try to create the front of the Castle, some trees in front then the Neptune Pool.  The pool I already have an idea of how it’s going to be made.  It’s the Castle I’m worried about.  But supply shopping will soon commence at the Walmart and Micheals.

It’s due May 7, so I have a good month to do this….ahem..I mean THE BOY has a good month to do his project…

Weight

I’m still, miraculously, losing weight.  There are ups and downs.  I got on the scale one week and gained 8 lbs, then got on it again the next week and lost the 8 and a few more.  So it’s hard to gauge what will happen but it doesn’t matter.  As long as I can still run on that treadmill, breathe when going up stairs and fit into a size 8.

And that I NEVER see that scale tell me 245 lbs ever again.

I have not visited the clinic nor got an injection for a month now.  I’ve also been completely off the appetite suppressants.  However, I may return to the clinic and pay off the last $200 for another 10 weeks soon.  After, that 10 weeks, if I’m diligent, that should be it for me on losing the initial weight.  Then it’s maintenance from here until I die.  So I will continue to remain 95% carb free, for the rest of my life.  I will constantly monitor portions and make better choices.  I will forever keep my exercise level high.

LilySlim - (hgaY)

But as of this date, I have lost a total of 71 lbs. That is more than what The Boy weighs!  And, I’m not longer in the “Obese” section of the BMI charts. I’m simply “overweight” now…..

So apparently a size 6/8 and looking like this….is overweight.  But hey, at least I’m not “Obese” anymore!

Yeah...I hate selfies...ugh...

Yeah…I hate selfies…ugh…

Family

Well surprise surprise!!..…a family member has officially been cut off and guess what.…IT ISN’T ME!

In the past it would have been me considering some of the crap I’ve pulled.  But it isn’t, (BTW, the relationship between myself and my mother is GREATLY improved.  She still sometimes says things that I have to roll my eyes at but I’m able to do just that and it’s all good).

My aunt, my mother’s sister, is officially cut off, monetarily and emotionally, with anything to do with myself, my sister and our mother and father.  There will no longer be any interaction between us and her.  If she has the gall to call my mother up on the future asking for money or whatever, my mother has been instructed by myself and my sister that she is to not answer the phone, lest she desires to feels our wrath.

Believe me when I say that this decision was tossed around a lot and has lots of merit behind it.  My aunt has burned her last bridge with these latest shenanigans she pulled.

My mother’s other sister, has also cut their sister off in the capacity listed above.  I am actually not going to go into detail because, even though it included a possible legal battle and my aunt just being a manipulator and pathological liar, it is very convoluted and honestly, to embarrassing to even admit here.Who opened the closet

I know one thing is for sure regarding my family.  I am REALLY sick and tired of new “skeletons” that keep coming out of our family closet every so often.  With this new debacle, even more skeletons have come out and honestly, I don’t know who or WHAT to believe anymore.

I’m just glad that my son isn’t near some of the “skeletons” and I just want to be done with it all.

I so desire to shake my family tree of all its skeletons and bury their bones forever.

Divorce

Life will always continue to surprise me and people surprising me is no exception.  As my aunt has surprised us all by betraying the family, my ex-husband surprised me to the point of humility.

Wait…does anyone know what temperature it is in HELL!?

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So, back in December, I decided I needed to go back to court to get the ex to pay a bit more child support only because, according to our current incomes, he should be paying about $400 more a month.  So I got that started, got my previous attorney to work on it and got it filed.  Earlier this week, my attorney tells me that my ex got his own lawyer and wants to negotiate….ugh.

I think the worst. I mean what is there to negotiate?! If he thinks he can weasel back into The Boy’s life after 8 years of nothing just so he can pay less in child support….screw that!  I know that is the worst possible scenario, but that is where my mind went and, apparently, it didn’t need to.

Long story short, I spoke with my ex yesterday and he agrees to all that I have requested, which is the higher monthly child support payment and the $600 he owes me from a washing machine we bought back when we were married that he was ordered to pay and never did.

I think my jaw literally fell to the floor.

Am I being tricked?

Is he lying?

Did I land in Bizzarro World?!?!

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Well, no I don’t believe he is lying.  I think he knows that if it goes to court, a judge would “hand him his ass on a platter” as a new friend of mine so poetically and precisely put it.  I would assume, he is just laying down the sword and realizing his defeat.

I know that gloating and pride are not qualities that God promotes and being a women of faith I would rather not gloat but I have to say that for the first time in 10 years, I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted off me and that this particular fight is just about over and I may have won.  Now, I won’t be so naïve as to think that something else might not come up as life has many plot twists but my ex only has 8 more years to be obligated to pay child support and I believe that this issue of an increase might come up one more time before the 8 years are up, but until then, I am the victor.

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So that ended rather amicably and a HUGE weight has been lifted off me because this Boy is getting SUPER expensive what with torn jeans every few weeks, new shoes every month and hockey gear…I barely have money to get myself $1.99 Suave shampoo!

Miscellaneous

  • I miss Disneyland visits so much.  I don’t see a renewal of a pass anytime in the future.
  • The Walking Dead, Season 4 is over…and if you don’t know what I’m talking about, that’s ok.  If you do and haven’t seen it…don’t get mad at me when I say I would turn into EXACTLY  the same kind of person Rick has turned into.  And yes, I would have ripped that guys throat out with my teeth…if he was attacking my kid and double yes, I would have stabbed my kid’s would be attacker 50 million times.  Rick did exactly what I would have done, to protect my child.
  • New Season of Game of Thrones starts Sunday!
  • So! Who is taking me to go see Captain America! The Boy doesn’t want to see it but I do! Who’s coming with me?!?!

SHOUT OUT!

Lastly, I would like to give a shout out and I hope that this person doesn’t mind me giving him a shout out.

At one point in my life, just after losing my best friend, I honestly thought that God did not intend for me to develop any kinds of friendships.  I couldn’t find anyone that matched the connection that she and I had.  I believe that we were soul mates but not in the romantic sense.  More in a sisterly bond sense, yet we shared not one drop of blood.

However, along the way I have run into some truly fascinating people who are genuine, kind and willing to make a connection.  Some have stuck around in my life (cue in a wonderful couple who live up north who I think are the best EVER! And yes, I will give Elder Scrolls a chance).  But for the most part, it’s been a lonely life that I have built many walls around.  So, to make a new friend is a huge positive for me.

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I would just like to tell this person, and you know who you are, thank you SOOO much for giving me a chance, being patient and breaking down the walls I’ve built up around me.  I know that as individuals, we run into many people on a daily basis, not knowing anything about them.  We affect them by our actions and you have affected me tremendously.  You are the positive friendship that my little weak faith needed, in God and in people.

Thank you so much for listening to me this past week.  You have NO idea how just being able to get things off my chest has helped me.  I greatly appreciate all the effort you’ve put into getting to know me.  You are a truly blessed person and the friendship we are building is important to me.

And with that, until the next time, that is all for now.

thCABOMA63

Oh look at that…I’m still alive…

I guess now would be as good a time as ever to write up the world’s longest update post.

The end of 2013 is proving to be full of twists and turns and even loop holes.  I will break it down into a few different sections, more to satisfy my OCD than anything else.  So without further adieu, the last few months of my existence, broken down into categories and in no particular order, (I warned you all about my OCD right?).

Divorce

There is never an easy or 1, 2, 3 type divorce.  Although I will admit, my divorce 10 years ago went as much in my favor as it could have, especially compared to other divorces.  However, I knew the day would come when I would have to dish out another chunk of money to get what I needed.  That day has come.

As of this week, I borrowed a nice chunk of money from my parents and I have put down a huge retainer to re-hire my previous divorce attorney to re-open my case from 2005.  The decision to do this was prompted because I realized that my ex-husband makes a lot more money now than he did back in 2005 and I make a lot less than I did back in 2005. child-support-image-624x499

My attorney, after roughly looking at our incomes, feels I should be getting double of the child support that I’m currently receiving.  The main thing going against my ex-husband is that he has 0% time with The Boy.  He hasn’t seen him in almost 9 years.  I am 100% full custodial parent, therefore, all expenses, on a 24/7 basis, come out of my pocket.

If all goes well, instead of $496 monthly child support I currently get, my attorney is going to see I get close to $1300 a month.

That amount is according to my yearly income and my ex-husband’s yearly income.  That number is not me wanting to clean my ex out….it is based on our incomes, nothing more.

That is how much MORE he makes than me, yet I have The Boy 100%.

Sounds friggin’ fair to me!!!

Money

Rose Smith: Money. I hate, loathe, despise and abominate money.

Mr. Alonzo Smith: You also spend it.

—Quoted from “Meet Me in St. Louis”

money22Money can prove to be another love/hate relationship that I have developed.  I hate that life in general depends on it.  For the past few months, I’ve been seriously living paycheck to paycheck, as I’m sure all of America is.  However, my last resort is moving back in with my parents and in all honestly, I would rather slit my wrists that do that again.  Nothing against them, we just cannot live together, it can’t happen.

I also hate that I don’t have enough money to enjoy life.  And don’t tell me “oh you can enjoy life without money”.  It’s a lie.  Sure I can go for a walk or take The Boy to a park but does it cost gas to drive anywhere? Yup.  And maybe the walk would cost nothing, until someone gets hungry or wants ice cream.

Then, don’t get me started on how I can’t keep food in my fridge at all.  Remember, I eat nothing.  Some nights, my dinner consists of a bowl of corn flakes or 2 hard boiled eggs.  That kid is eating me out of house and home and still demands more.

That is why I am taking my ex-husband back to court (see above).  I mean sure I could live in the ghetto and my kid could go to the worst school in the state but I’m going to try everything I can to keep off of welfare and keep out of the ghetto.  Call me a snob if you want but that is just how I was raised.  No free hand outs and all options must have been tried before it becomes dire straits.

It all keeps adding up though.  My car also needs about $1000 of work done and I have the warning lights popping up left and right.  I need all new tires as the ones I have are apparently balding.  I need new brakes and a couple of other things. But it all added up to well over $1000.

I’m hoping that I can squeeze as much out of my tax refund in February as I can to pay back my parents for the divorce attorney retainer and get my car fixed and then, that leads me to…

The Cat

As I posted back in October, my cat spent three nights in the hospital due to Kidney failure and dehydration.  They were able to get him into much better shape and I took him home.  Since then, I’ve gone out of my way every month to get his supply of Renal LP food directly from the vet and he has been doing fine.  I was told he might need about $600 of dental work done at a later date.IMG_20131210_222227

The past few days, he has been doing the gagging thing while he eats, again.  I believe it is due to his teeth.  I was hoping, being that he is 5 years old and half way through his life, I would be able to get through the next 5 or so years with no problems.  That is what I get for thinking.

There is no way I can afford another $600 of dental work and the two credit cards I have are already maxed out what with having to squeeze money from my ass to pay for my divorce attorney.  I am no longer getting approved for any more credit so I’m at my credit card cap.

I’m going to play it by ear and try and mush up his food as best as I can to get him to eat without gagging.  He also needs to learn not to scarf down his food, even though he is an animal, he can’t eat like one or he chokes.  I’m hoping just mushing his food and giving him little bits will help him eat slower.  But he is a stubborn cat….if he starts to associate the food with him gagging, he won’t go near it and he can’t, nor will he, eat any other store brand food.  The food I give him now is a vet prescription for his Renal failure.  He could go back to starving himself again.

I don’t even want to think about losing that cat…damn him…I love him so much.

Ugh..moving on…

Health

Meh, the end of November/beginning of December was tough.  I didn’t exercise much because of Thanksgiving cutting into my routine and of course Thanksgiving provided plenty of food to eat but I tried to steer clear of carbs and just eat turkey, lots of turkey.

Then the week after Thanksgiving, my lower back when out and I got the flu. I was out of work for 2 days last week.  I just need a really long deep tissue massage because the amount of stress and pain that is piercing my back and neck daily is almost enough to make me scream.  But how much does a massage cost? and oh..that’s right, I have NO husband to lightly rub my back for me so, a simple massage is in my dreams.  I’m still waking up with no strength in my lower back to even sit up.  I also believe alot of it is my sciatica because the twinging pain goes down both my legs pretty much all day.  I’m just living with it.

thSo day by day I endure the physical pain and just smile and nod so everyone thinks I’m holding it together when in essence, I just want to rip my spine out and pop it back into place.

But that takes me into….

Weight

375x321_lose_weight_fast_how_to_do_it_quickly_ref_guideAh, here is another part of my daily existence I have to constantly be thinking about.  I must monitor all that goes into my pie hole.  Actually, I don’t mind doing that and the My Fitness Pal app really helps out with monitoring food intake versus exercise output.  It is when I lack exercise that I start to feel my muscles that I’ve worked so hard on developing, start to deflate like a pierced balloon.

However, I have managed to maintain my weight and the total loss of 62 lbs.  I’ve gained nothing even though I haven’t been on the appetite suppressants for over a month and haven’t been to visit the clinic for the injections due to me needing to pay a balance to start up another 10 weeks of visits.  So in essence, I can do it on my own.  But I still have at least 30 more to lose before I get to the “on my own completely” point with only visits to the clinic for the vitamin injections and maintenance.  However, I just bought a size 8 pair of pants making me officially down 10 pants sizes since April, from a size 18 to the now size 8.

And guess what?  According to the BMI charts, I’m still in the “Obese” category so apparently a size 8 is obese.  The BMI charts can kiss my size 8 ass.

Dating

I broke down and paid for a membership on Christian Mingle.com  I haven’t been on there long enough to really establish my opinions about it but on the surface, it seems like there are a lot less crazies there than Match or any of those free places.  Those free sites are scary. Uh, yeah…I think my opinion is starting to become established.  So called “Christian”‘ men are just as much ass holes and jerks as any other man, if not worse.

I really just can’t move in a positive direction in the dating category.  I have a condition that doesn’t allow me to deal well with men who are sarcastic, egotistical and want only one thing.  Then throw in someone who thinks they are better than you in every way, and I’m done.

I have better things to do.

The Boy

One of my favorite movies

One of my favorite movies

I really can’t put my finger on what kind of relationship I have with The Boy.  There are parts of his personality that are coming out that I really do not like.  He argues way to friggin’ much.  He also gets way to moody and in a stinky attitude if he doesn’t get his way.  I’ve taken to just sending him to his room when he gets the pouting face and stinky attitude if he doesn’t get what he wants.  I don’t even want to see him.  Then, minutes later, he comes out all wanting hugs and cuddles and I’m like “really kid?”.  I’m telling you, he is bipolar.

Then again, he comes from me and I’m riding the roller coaster of emotions sometimes.  However, ungratefulness is something I won’t tolerate and I think I spoil him.  He is becoming greedier and greedier each Christmas and that just doesn’t sit well with me.  It reflects off of me and makes me look pretty bad.  But I have to remember, I am fighting more “Nature” than anything and he still has his father’s assholery genetics.  I spend a lot of my energy trying to erase genetics and that may be a losing battle.

But damn did I make a good looking human.  My kid is so handsome!

The Family

Ah, my family.  I find it truly interesting to love and despise someone, at the same time.  My mother, I just don’t know what to feel about her sometimes.  I think I need to just makes friends with the fact that it is just what it is.  She and my father took money out of my father’s retirement to give to me to retain my divorce attorney (see above) and if I hadn’t been given that money I wouldn’t have been able to move forward with changing my child support.  For that, I love them both.Funny-eCards-9

But sometimes, she just needs to learn to keep her mouth shut.  However, in her defense, we all kind of do.  I know I tend to have foot in mouth disease on occasion.

My sister, she is on the losing weight bandwagon now which is an even bigger motivation for me to stay at a weight below her.  She has also joined a medical clinic as I have and takes the appetite suppressants and tries to cut out carbs.  She has lost about 10 lbs so far.  I really hope that this is the breaking point for her as it has been for me.  I hope that she tells herself to never go back and sure, we may falter and eat one to many pieces of pizza but we get back on track.  She needs to get a hold of her body more than me because her weight really brings her down desperately and she really becomes very scary to be around and her depression becomes palpable.

We cancelled the Montana trip on Christmas week to visit my other sister.  It was going to be to expensive and time consuming and I really couldn’t take that much time off work but more importantly, there was NO way I was taking a 3 day/3 state driving trip with my mother, father and sister.  I would have run us off the road just to end the anguish.

Depression

I have moments where I feel I have failed at just about every aspect of my life.  I failed at my marriage 10 years ago.  I failed at being able to support my child and myself financially because I’m living paycheck to paycheck and sometimes not even with enough in a paycheck.  I feel I’ve failed to work on myself so that I could attract a decent male to accompany me in this journey of life.  I really think there is just something wrong with me which is why I don’t have a man.  It’s not my weight because I don’t have that issue anymore.  I thought I was just plain ugly which could still be the case but maybe, I just have a rotten personality, which is why I attract absolutely no one which explains why I don’t have a husband or friends.  Or it could be that men are jerks (see Dating section above).thCAROPVN4

I’m not confirming that is the case, I’m just throwing out theories because I just don’t know but this is where the depression stems from.

I’m going to be brutally honest here but, sometimes, I get so lonely that if there was a sharp object or even gun around, I can say that I would not be writing this post at all…it would be over.  I think it comes to that point because of the type of person I am.  I crave affection and human touch.  I haven’t had an adult hug me, that wasn’t my parents or sisters, in the past 10 years.

DID YOU READ THAT…10 YEARS!  It’s like my soul is dying inside of this shell of flesh I walk around in.  But I don’t give in because I just keep thinking, “Who would take care of my son”.  I mean if something did happen to me, my sister would step forward and even though we disagree on a lot, there are aspects of raising children we do agree on and I can trust to her follow my footsteps.  But I wouldn’t be there.

Damn Satan and his invention of Depression.

But then I move onto…..

Things I’m looking forward to….

Christmas, although this year, I really haven’t been feeling the cheer of it all.  Mainly that is because of the lack of funds for all the big things The Boy wants but then I get annoyed at his greediness and selfishness sometimes.  But it could also be because I’m just plain alone.  I have no one to share any of the season with, other than The Boy but that is not the same.  I put up all my decorations all alone and I sit, each night, looking at my tree, all alone.  It all really just makes me so depressed.

However, I do love this season.  I love that it gets cold (even though, as I get older I realized the cold does a nasty number on my bones).  I love seeing all the decorations and lights go up on houses and driving at night to see them.

There are also some fantastic movies coming out.  Saving Mr. Banks is #1 on my must see list, along with The Hobbit and Madea’s Christmas.  I enjoyed Thor immensely and really like the whole storyline and the tie up with all the Avengers and Shield.  Yeah, I’m a nerd like that but I love it.

Olaf-In-Frozen-Movie-HD-WallpaperI also saw Frozen and actually really enjoyed it.  My favorite character was Olaf, the talking snowman who likes warm hugs and longs to spend a day warm in the sun on the beach…poor delusional snowman.  There was one scene where he had me laughing long after the scene was over.  I haven’t laughed like that in so long it felt good.  I loved him so much, the next day I went to the Disney outlet and got me an Olaf plushie of my own.  I give him warm hugs.

Foremost……God

Ah yes, that omnipresence that hovers over me telling me not to give into sin and temptation yet insists I endure day after day of temptaion and sin topped with lonely heart ache.  The Good Lord is also turning out to be another love/hate relationship with me.  I will never understand why He thinks my life of loneliness will ever prompt me to want to follow Him fully and purely, but on the other hand, I still do.tumblr_lqqtbpkVFB1qj065bo1_500

It’s also apparent that even though I’ve lost enough weight to be down 8 sizes He makes a point to show me that the weight wasn’t the problem.  The fact that I’m pretty much the plainest and to put it simply, ugliest person on the planet, keeps me from ever getting rid of my life of loneliness.  Of course, in all of this I’m using satire (so don’t start telling me I have some sort of self perception disorder) to get the point across but the point is, God wants me to be alone.

Thanks God.  Let’s just come to terms with the fact that You’ve pretty much left me to rot in a sea of loneliness and even though You’ve made sure to flaunt every single happy couple in front of me during this lonely holiday season, I will still follow You because it’s better to be lonely in this life of flesh than burning for eternity in the Lake of Fire.

Right???  *sigh*

Last but not least…

funny-birthday-ecards-15I found one thing that I do very well.  Getting old

On Dec 2nd I turned 37 years old.  Big Friggin’ Deal is what I say.  I am not growing old gracefully and hate that my youth is being wasted away in these lonely, terribly lonely years I have to look forward to.  So my birthday is just a reminder of the day that this lonely life of mine began.   I could care less about it.

I think that all just about covers it.

My insides feel like they are on fire…

No, not with the fiery feelings of love (although more on that to come later).

No, not with the fire furnace of a heavily boosted metabolism due to constant exercise (booyah! I not longer have the metabolism of a snail!).

I have the infliction of enlarged ovaries.  I was officially diagnosed with enlarged ovaries back in 2009 at the local hospital’s Emergency Room.  I went in because it felt like someone was shoving a hot poker into my lower mid section and it travelled around to my back.  They gave me a scan and found that it was enlarged ovaries causing the problem.

Since then, some months are better than others when it comes time for the ovaries to do their job.  Some months, it hurts so bad I can’t stand up straight.  Some months, I feel nothing and it goes by without a hitch.

Last night, the pain actually woke me up at 2 in the morning and I knew this was not going to be a “go without a hitch” month.  I was in and out of sleep and this morning, I’m in agony.  It is subsiding a little bit but it’s just this dull ache in my whole belly area.  So far, the research I’ve done on enlarged ovaries has pretty harmless outcomes, just painful.  It very rarely ends in ovarian cancer BUT….you never know.

I recently had an ultrasound done to follow up and check on these enlarged ovaries to make sure if there is something growing in them, which causes them to be enlarged, that it is benign tumor and nothing serious.  Or it could be just tissue growth which is harmless as well.  In my research, the only sentence I read that was a bit unnerving was “However, in some cases, the enlarged ovary may twist or become dysfunctional. “  I would assume “dysfunctional” means I can kiss any aspects of having any more children good bye for good.  That made me just a bit sad.

I have a follow up appointment next week to get the results of the ultrasound and the Mammogram.

Seeing more action from a Mammography…

Apparently, the only action I’m going to get on my newly shaping (and starting to look rather HOT) body…is from a Mammography machine.

Being that my mother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer just two years ago at age 56 I felt the need to get my first Mammo done.  Granted, I’m only 36 ½ and usually these tests aren’t done until age 40 but now that Breast Cancer is in my close family, I wanted to just get it done.  So, yesterday afternoon, that is what I was getting done.  Along with some ultrasounds to check up on a 2009 diagnosis I recieved of Enlarged Ovaries.

I won’t go into the details.  I’m sure everyone is aware that it’s just a smushing of the breast at different angles to get a good image.  All in all, it wasn’t really that bad nor did it hurt to tremendously.

What I did find interesting is that my boob was just flopped onto a glass slab then mushed all around and I just wanted to giggle the whole time! Why? Because the last time my chest had been “fondled” like that was about 9 years ago!

I’m giggling now!

But in all seriousness, these Mammo’s are so important in detecting Breast Cancer.  I just can’t believe that I’m already at the age to be having one, even if a bit early.

This heat can suck an EGG!

It’s definitely going to be a “in the movie theatre all day” kind of weekend.  I’m pretty much just going to go to a movie and when the movie ends, walk outside, pay for another, then walk right back in.  Especially now that I got my AMC Stubs card, I can earn free snacks and such.  I have to get back that $12 a year I’m spending on being in that Program.

It has been 102+ this past week (AccuWeather app on my phone is a liar saying it’s 86) and humidity at 500% (exaggeration to get the friggin’ point across).

From the local news website:

96 – Warm with intervals of clouds and sunshine; a shower or thunderstorm in spots this afternoon

Thunderstorms?  Rain? Blegh!  I love the rain but not when it’s 96.  It poured down pretty good on Tuesday.  I HATE this weather.  I hate everything about it.  To have the humidity of Florida is not typical for California weather so that pisses me off even more.  Heat, in general, and the sun, I can tolerate because this is California and I do live only miles from the deserts of Barstow, but humidity!  My hair hates it too.  I am keeping myself from chopping it off just to spite the weather but that would only hurt me.

Is it pumpkin season yet?!

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What gets me is that it is 100 outside with humidity at 100% and Kohl’s is selling sweaters and long sleeved tops.  Huh?!  I did happen to find 2 tops on sale at $10 off each and then used a $10 off coupon THEN used $10 Kohl’s Cash.  I basically got a top for free because they were originally $40.

Tonight, is a Quakes baseball game with The Boy and my sister.  It’s a Family Night for his school so lots of his friends will be there.  The Quakes are the local minor league baseball team with it’s affiliation to The Dodgers.

Their mascots are Tremor and Aftershock.

tremor

Yeah, they represent all things California, regarding earthquakes.  Wouldn’t it be interesting if there actually WAS an earthquake during a Quakes game!  Uh, I’m going to shut my mouth now.

Gotta love some baseball though.  After the game they will be showing The Sandlot inside the stadium.

So, hopefully I can STILL love it while I’m melting like the Wicked Witch of the West in this weather.

WizardMelting

I got a “Good Morning”

For the love of embarrassment, I feel like a 16 year old school girl.

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Remember the father that I mentioned who drops off his kids the same time as I drop off The Boy?  Each and every day we pull up to the before school care at the exact same time.  This morning, I actually got a “Good Morning” from him.

It doesn’t matter that I was the one who initiated the first “Good Morning” as we passed each other in the doorway  but hey, since he has never said a word to me ever, at least I got a response.

I’m so laughing at myself right now.  I’m sure he doesn’t find me remotely interesting or has a girlfriend but I must say that the loss of 40 extra pounds REALLY helps me feel better even if that is the case.  Now, if I can just keep my perseverance up to lose the next 40 pounds, maybe I’ll get more than just a “Good Morning” from him or anyone else!

Here’s to hoping!!

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I think I might treat myself

I woke to a horrible migraine.  That rarely happens as actually, I’ve noticed since I’ve lost all this weight, my migraines are now null and void (I used to get them on a weekly basis).  I also don’t have stomach pains anymore and no more heartburn.  So, when I do get migraines, it is like my head is going to cave in.  Thank the Good Lord for Advil.  Advil is all I can really take because it’s ibuprofen.  I only take ibuprofen for pain.  It’s the only thing that works.

So, as soon as I got to work I downed 3 Advil for 600 mg of ibuprofen and now, the migraine is gone.  I love when pain goes away.  It’s like I’m given a new chance at life.  Yeah, that may be dramatic but migraines hurt.

Then, I also got a nice email from Build a Bear.

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I get a free outfit!  Sometimes, that Stuff fur Stuff Club pays off.

So, I think I may just make a visit to the Downtown Disney Build a Bear when I go to Disneyland by myself on Saturday and make myself a Mickey head bear.  What is a Mickey headed bear you may ask?

Mickey bear

It will be my “so long farewell” to my Annual Pass which expires on Sunday.  I’ve had to take a long hiatus from my pass one other time in the 10 years I’ve had it and that hiatus was only broken because my cousin and her rich husband bought The Boy and I passes.  I’ve had to struggle each year since but this year, I bid it a fond farewell.  It just doesn’t seem worth it anymore.  I might get another one later but not now.

Maybe I’ll bring the bear to work and put it in my cubicle  to make me smile every once in a while.

But for now I’m also debating whether to go down to Verizon and get my Verizon wireless account set up during my lunch hour or just wait until next week.  I have until the 19th  but I’m just done with Boost Mobile.

Tonight is Disneyland for my last visit with The Boy.

You know when there is that person…you just don’t like

Everyone has been through it.  You meet a person and for some reason, you just don’t like them!  I have that situation except I do know why I don’t like her, but it isn’t really her fault.  We got a new paralegal and apparently because I don’t have a big bad paralegal degree, I get kicked out of my office and she gets the big office while I get shoved into the small cubicle in the hallway.  The way of the corporate world I guess.

Then get a degree? Well, I do have my two year AA and AS.  I wished I had a husband to back me up so I can be off work for two years and still have income pouring in while said husband works.  That is the story of my other co-worker, the Jr. Paralegal.  Well, good for her, because if I went that route, I would be homeless and begging on the streets with my kid because I have no “back up” income to speak of.  It is enough that I haven’t eaten in about a week (and that is no joke…I’ve been living off hard boiled eggs and water, I feed my kid and even the cat first before me, always).

Her first day was today and I’m being as cordial as I can possibly be.  I mean, it really wasn’t HER fault that I don’t have a paralegal degree (I don’t even want one) and was pushed out of my big corner office with a door and a window.

Still, I have this inner biatch feeling to just ignore her, completely.  I don’t really work with her directly but I still am in the same department.

*sigh* I don’t like feeling this mean because I’m not normally this mean but I just do NOT like the situation and even if I sound like a whining 10 year old…I don’t care.  They treated me pretty bad by just shoving me out of an office after over a year in it with no warning nor telling me it was temporary, which apparently it was because I am not a big bad Paralegal.  But, as has been the situation for years now, employers can do basically whatever they want to employees, just short of something illegal, because of the job shortages.  I certainly can’t find a job anywhere else so I just smile and nod at whatever is thrown at me.

Still, for the most part, it’s a good employer with great benefits so I really should just stop complaining and whining like a 10 year old.  Right?

But…if the occassion did ever call for moving on in life…I would defintately say it…in cake…

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I feel like a hamster on a wheel

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It’s just the same old thing, over and over.  I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to get excited about.  Well, I take some of that back.  I did get approved for a 8 day vacation at Christmas time, which includes 2 paid holidays.  I’m going with my sister to visit our other sister in Montana.  However, I still have that forboding feeling that something will try to ruin that and it will probably be my mother.

I have no money for food again today.  I spent the last I had on lunch items for The Boy.  He eats before me.  That is my basic rule when money is tight. So as of lately, there has been nothing left over after I feed him or get his lunch items, which I’ve had to get more of because, well he’s a growing boy.  So, some days, I starve.  I’m not going to die. I have enough fat to cover the lack of food.  It’s just more annoying.

I forgot to boil eggs last night so I have no hard boiled eggs for lunch today.  I’m going to survive today on a Greek yogurt and a cup of strawberries.   In all honesty, that is why I have been losing weight.  All my food expenses go to The Boy and I just get what is left over which is usually nothing.  It’s been a rough summer since I had to pay twice as much for summer camp in June and July and now, The Boy’s moving up to the Hockey clinic so I need to get his full gear which is turning out to run into the $500 range. Unbelievable.

I have -$30 in my account until next Wednesday.   Yes that is a “negative” sign you see in front of that number.  And I have no idea how I’m going to fill my tank with gas.  I may have to skip work and call in “don’t have enough money to get gas to get to work” one day until next Wednesday.  I already had to take back some clothes of The Boy’s that I allowed myself to be tricked into buying (believe me, I only blame myself).  I cried to The Boy on Monday after I picked him up from school telling him that I over spent and it was my fault and I would have to take some clothes back.  He put his hand on my shoulder and said, “it’s ok and look! I caught a lizard!”

God I love that kid so much!

Also, my Water/Sewer/Trash bill has gone up like 60%.  This is the bill that most apartment complexes pay for but not the one I’m in.  It’s my highest utility bill at $70 a month which is what it was last month.  I have a 755 sq ft apartment.  I have no idea how I can have that much for water/sewer/trash.  I know sewer and trash I can’t even control but I know I don’t use that much water.  When I asked about it I was basically told “sorry, that is what it is”.

I know I’m not going to be able to afford this apartment by my lease renewal next June.  Rent has gone up all three years I’ve been here and not by a couple of bucks.   I think $100 is the most I’ve seen it go up.

I’ll figure it out though.  It’s just so disheartening as I’m trying my best.  I almost lost it on Monday afternoon though.  I realized that I had not one more cent and I still had to pay rent and for this month’s hockey lesson.  On the drive home, my sister called because I asked her, my out of work sister, if she had $20 to cover some of hockey lessons.  I lost it.  It was another dark hole of The Nothing I was falling into at that moment and I wanted to die and be done with all this anguish and pain, just be done.

I breathed and moved on.  One of these days, I won’t get to the breathe and move on moment and just keep falling until I stop falling and the pain is done. *sigh*

warningcontains-200x200Deep in my heart though…I know it’s still black with hate because I know that the father of my child, who turned his back and left his son gets to prance around, bang whoever he wants and do whatever he wants while I have to worry about money, hockey gear (which if I don’t get soon I will never hear the end of the complaining from The Boy) and schooling.  As time goes on, I really do feel myself just hating that man and I will continue to do so, regardless if he’s the father of my child.

I don’t like having so much hate in my heart, but at least it’s geared towards one person that I rarely see or converse with ever.

This just in:  I’ve just been told that I will now be forced to move out of my office with the door and window into a stuffy cubicle in the small hallway.  Apparently, my office is for a paralegal, not legal secretary, which I am, something I’ve never been told in the last year and 2 months I’ve been here.

It just gets better and better.

I made a wish

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This window is in the upper part of my sister’s living room.  When I sit on her couch, you can see the moon, planes flying by,  etc, through this window.  Late last night, I looked up at just the right time, and saw a very large shooting star fly by.

I made a wish.

That is only the 2nd shooting star I’ve seen in my life.  Living in the city doesn’t allow for a lot of clear star viewing.

I just can’t fathom…a post of rants (and screw Boost Mobile)

Proceed with caution…I do not tolerate much lately.  I don’t even know if anyone reads my blog anymore.

This is going to be a series of vents about some aspects of people that I’m just REALLY sick and tired of seeing.  On the surface, it may sound judgemental but if you look deeper, there is always an underlying purpose that is more than any alternative motive one may have.

pity partyPeople who whine and have pity parties for one.  I KNOW that life is a bowl of dog poop sometimes.  I deal with it to.  I’m dealing with it right now,  I am negative about $80 in my bank account right now and I’m so hungry but have no money for food.  I deal.

But I just can NOT sympathize with people who wallow in it.  I don’t tolerate “whoa is me” personalities.  The negativity is unattractive.  I understand stuff happens, and you will get my sympathy at first, I’m not heartless.  But if I see a pattern, you are on your own.

complainingPeople who complain about lives that are way better than mine.  In particular, those women who complain about….oh no!….being single for more than a month.  Uh, try going on fucking 10 years biatch!  You know NOTHING about being alone so don’t even try to cry buckets about that.  Find a hobby.

As some of you may have read, my ex-husband and the father of my 9 year old child, left not only me (good riddance) but his son almost 10 years ago.  He has a nice little hot seat reserved for him in hell as he has never cared to send his only son and heir to his name, a holiday card nor does he even remember his son’s birthdate.

I do believe that by him abandoning his son, it pushed me in the opposite direction.  I would be DAMNED before I let anyone take my kid from me.  Even if my ex did stick around, I would NEVER give up ANY rights to not be around my child a good amount of time, if not all the time.

This is for those people who leave their children and claim to have had no choice or have some other stupid reason.  You are the lowest of the low.  I don’t care if you have a gun pointed to your head.  But hey, how about this theory?  How about you get help for your drug and/or drinking problem?  Or even better, how about you stop choosing men that are obviously losers over your children?

Sound judgemental?  Ask me if I care.MjAxMy1mNGM0NzBkZmRkYjBmMGRl

If I had a gun pointed to my head and someone saying “leave your kid or I pull the trigger” that would be the ONLY way I would ever abandon him, because I would say “pull the trigger, I would NEVER leave him out of free will”.

You people disgust me.

I think maybe it’s because I don’t tolerate much that dooms me to forever being alone but I really just can’t take people who act like children and do not face up to the consequences, good or bad, of THEIR own actions.

I’m officially done with Boost Mobile.  I would have to say that they provide the crappiest service, cell or customer, ever.  As of the 20th, I will be a Verizon member with a new Samsung 4 phone.  I’m sure Verizon will be just as crappy but I’m sure that their cell service is way better.  I swear, I have at least 99.9% of my calls constantly dropping and I can’t get anything to stream, not even a 3 minute Youtube clip.

Boost Mobile = shit, but as the saying goes, you get what you pay for and I paid $50 a month for Boost Mobile.  With Verizon, that will go up to at least $80 even with an employer discount and a house bundle discount.  But hey, no more dropped calls!

*sigh* I’m just really irritated today and I don’t know why really. I actually went to TJMaxx yesterday and got size 13 skinny jeans that I squished my ass into but hey! They buttoned! I actually look pretty hot today in a new, smaller, tighter fitting top today. Maybe that’s why I feel like bitching.

The power of the mind, can be a powerful thing

Yes, yes it can.

On Friday morning, I woke up with either a bladder infection or a Urinary Tract Infection.  Either way, it hurt to pee and it smelled awful..… well, anyway…..

I drowned myself in water all day on Friday, meaning I think I drank about 2-3 gallons of it, hoping to wash out whatever infection was starting.  I didn’t have any money to buy cranberry juice so I left it up to the Water Gods to heal me.  I have actually had bad experiences with bladder and UTI’s in the past.  Although, not very frequently, but when I get bladder or Kidney problems, they can land me in the hospital.  The first time I had one, many years ago, it moved up to my kidney and I ended up over night in the hospital with a bad Kidney infection that had me with a high fever and vomiting.  The second time, I had a bladder infection that was so bad the infection moved into my blood stream causing me to be in the hospital 2 nights and hooked up to an antibiotic I.V. with fever and severe pain.

So, as you can assume, I was pretty scared to wake up Friday with that all to familiar “cloudy” urine and pain.  Friday was ok but the pain was still there.  Saturday morning, I woke up to pain again.  I spent most of Saturday laying low but in pain.

It wasn’t until Sunday that I realized the pain was scooting on up my back, into the oh so familiar area of my right kidney….

Fuck…

So, I spent Sunday lying down, just “willing” the pain away.  I drank another 3-4 gallons of water but I think that may have made the pain worse considering that drinking makes the kidneys work to process the liquid.  But water is my nectar.  On a regular basis, I drink at least 4-5 16oz bottles of waters (as pictured).  waterIf I don’t drink that much daily, I get severely dehydrated and shaky.  (and no, I’m not diabetic so don’t suggest that)

It’s weird, I know, but this practice may stem from the fact that another time, earlier in my life, I was put into the hospital with severe dehydration.  And yes, this is a separate time from the two other hospital visits I mention above (did I mention I’ve had 4 surgeries, 3 minor and 1 major/almost dying) How am I still alive?  Anyway, since then, water is like mother’s milk to me and I must drink it or die (drama for effect).

ImageGenAlso, all those plastic bottles get bagged up and given to my sister, who takes them to her local Ralph’s and turns them in for credit towards her groceries.

Yeah, I’m a nice sister like that.

Anyway, at 9pm last night, I’m sitting in my bed, watching True Blood with my 3 bottles of water around me, watching the show and ignoring the pain.  I went to sleep for the night, again, telling myself the pain would be gone in the morning and even through drinking all that water over the past 3 days should have drowned me and caused the pain to be worse, it was what this kidney needed.

It appears, I was right.  I woke up this morning, pain free in my kidney area of my back and during my bathroom visit.  I was actually surprised, because I thought for sure I would be calling my sister sometime in the night, last night, to tell her to come get me to take me to the ER or stay with my kid while I drive myself to the ER.  It was that or call an ambulance so the medical professionals can watch my kid while I lay in agony in the ER.

Ah, the trials of a single mother who can’t even take a medical emergency break.  In all honesty, when I feel pain, whether it’s as bad as this or not, I tend to ignore it.  I have no back up, no husband to take care of me and if I do need to seek medical attention, who will watch my kid?  So, I have to continue to function as if I’m not in agony.  Also, I figure I have to ignore it because I really don’t have the leeway to be sick at all.  I have to go to work and earn money or I lose my apartment and my kid doesn’t get fed.  And being that my kid gets bored and cabin fever when I’m tight on money and have to spend weekends inside or if I just need to lie down and rest, I have to suck up my pain, put on a smiley face and still take him for that walk or out to the pool, even though I want to just lay in fetal position on my bed crying that God finally take me so that this pain, mentally and physically, can just go away.

This was one of the main reasons why I chose to finally lose the excess weight.  I’m sure losing 80 lbs would help my regular aches and pains and for the most part they have.  But I guess there are some things that have nothing to do with weight.

But God never does finally take me.  Apparently, He wants me to continue to live in this lonely life where I’m just a robot, going about my routine just long enough to get The Boy raised and molded into a decent human being so I can set him free into this world.  Then, maybe I can finally be taken out of my misery.

Regardless, I feel better today and will continue to down water until I feel I’m totally out of the woods.  It’s a good thing to because I do have a very busy week ahead of me with lots planned.

I just don’t have time for kidney failure.

Daily Prompt – Going back to school

Today’s Daily Prompt intrigued me a bit.

If you could take a break from your life and go back to school to master a subject, what would it be?

I have always said that if I won the lottery, after my parents house was paid off, my sister’s houses were paid off, I purchased a house for myself, money put away for my kid and neice and nephew and cars paid off, I would take what is left and get my BA then go on to Law School.

I would not actually practice law or ever appear in court but I would just get the degree so that some day in some conversation I could say:

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I’m sure I would eventually actually practice because I have always wanted to be a lawyer.

I would probably also get a degree in Psychology since I would have all the time in the world.  I have always loved Psychology and getting insde the workings of the human brain.

I found a new grocery store and a new game for The Boy

Trader Joe’s

I got some pretty yummy stuff and paid about $150 less than I normally do at Ralphs.  Now, I didn’t get to use all my coupons and I won’t get gas rewards for 10 cents off a gallon every other fill up but I got some yummy meatloaf and strange shaped peaches!  I also didn’t get some items that I normally do at a Ralph’s shopping trip but I got the basics such as eggs, milk, chocolate covered pretzels, you know! Stuff we need!

Anyway, that may be my new grocery shopping venue mostly because it took about 30 minutes.  A shopping trip at Ralph’s can take up to two hours.

Oh and Joe-Joe, the Trader Joe’s monkey, was found just before we ended our shopping trip.  He is the monkey that is hidden somewhere in the store and the kiddies have to find him and when they do, they tell a worker and they are given stickers and a small lollipop. The Boy got a kick out of that.  He was spotted just above the leafy greens and $3.99 bouquets of Sunflowers.

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This makes me wish I could ride a motorycle

I really get a kick out of how creative some people are.

Let’s talk about motorcycle helmets.  This will be refreshing for me considering the last motorcycle encounter I had included the motorcyclist flipping me off for not driving 100mph.

But back to motorcycle helmets

There is the plain helmet. These can vary in color, maybe have flames or different decals on them

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I’ve seen a lot of different Mohawk variations like the one below. These can be colorful, one color or super high and spikey.multihawk__16417.1327520555.1280.1280

Some can be custom made to look super unique

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Heck! Even my favorite Electronic Duo wear customized helmets, you know, to protect their identity

Daft Punk

Daft Punk

Today I saw one that I actually really liked. On the way to pick up my kid from school, just as I was passing the light to turn into the school’s driveway, I saw a woman on a motorcycle and her helmet had two red Raggedy Ann type braids sticking out of the back. I thought that was pretty neat.

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Sorry this photo is awful but the light turned green and I had to snap quickly

Working and its importance…

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On Saturday, I was running around doing my errands. I did some shopping for a Mothers Day lunch at my sister’s which was yesterday and getting gifts.

On my outings I noticed two panhandlers, at two different times, at two different freeway off ramps. Both of their signs confirmed their homeless status. I choice to give money to only one.

Homeless man #1 was young and looked about mid-20’s. He sitting on the curb, smoking a cigarette. His sign read that he was homeless and jobless.

Homeless man #2 was very elderly, looking about in his late 60’s. He was standing up, very jovial. His sign read the same, that he was homeless and jobless

Which did I give the money to?

Homeless man #2

This is why.
*Note: the below reasoning that I offer may seem presumptuous and judgmental. I will admit that. HOWEVER, I was not able to sit down and ask each of these men their personal situations and I was forced to make a quick judgment on their character by first impressions only, due to moving traffic (both were at a green light at a busy freeway off ramp).

I firmly believe that a young man, should never be begging on the streets. Especially if he looks young and able to work. He can wash dishes, dig a ditch…whatever!  As long as he is not disabled, hasn’t lost a limb, or is schizophrenic, he.can.work. No questions asked. (Now, I do understand that the young homeless man may have had mental issues, but again, I was not able to sit and chat with him. And being that people around here are impatient on the roads, a green light doesn’t allow me one on one with him. If he did have a mental issue, I feel for him and would hope he had some family to go to).

Homeless man #2 was alot older than Homeless man #1. He probably could not find work as easily as his younger counterpart. I will admit that when I see the elderly on the streets begging my heart strings are pulled as I think of my father and how things could have been for him and my mother if he had not been lucky enough to work at a reputable utility company for 36 years.

My father has worked since he was 8 years old doing whatever he could to get money for his family of six.  He bought his family their first t.v. He even saved up to get a 55 Chevy. It was his father who later told him to sell it to get a station wagon so he could drive his mother around. My father’s devotion to his family took precedence. In short, he has worked every day, even on weekends, since he was 8. He just retired a few years ago and now does not work.

My father is also getting the beginnings of Alzheimer’s and can not speak one sentence as he can no longer form words properly. I am thankful that he worked at a well known utility company which, after his 36 years of service, offered him a large amount of money, not only in the form of his 401k but his pension, a nice retirement package and even some disability as his speech problems starts just before he retired.

So yes, my heart strings get pulled more at seeing elderly on the streets. But on the surface, younger people should not be out on the streets begging (again, I’m speaking on the surface) and they will get no money from me. They can work.

This is something I teach my son. NO, I don’t teach him to be judgemental. I also explain to him that we can’t see below the surface of some people and to always have an open mind. But I also teach him that he can work when he becomes of age. I have been working since I was 17 years old with only a few breaks for college out of state and when I was laid off and couldn’t find work. At one point, I worked 2 jobs and went to college full time. When I was laid off I was applying for waitressing jobs or retail, both of which I am not familiar with as I have experience in an office. But I needed to WORK. I couldn’t be at home just feeling lazy.   If I teach my son anything, is that he can and will work. Even while he’s in college, he can work a part time job. Yet, I also try to teach him to not be ALL about work, because that is how my father was and in essence I was lacking a father figure, fatherly advise etc., because he was constantly working. My mother got the brunt of the raising of my sister and I. 

There is a balance. Even I try to maintain a balance. But there is never a reason, to beg on the streets.

What disorder is this and what is wrong with me?!

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This kind of mutilation can happen a regular basis…

The above picture is of my right thumb. I did that massacre to myself and sometimes I don’t even know I’m doing it.. On a regular basis, pretty much all of my fingers and thumbs look like the above. I didn’t think my readers would have the stomach to see the other fingers on my hand. All of my fingers and even this thumb pictured, have been since cleaned and doused with neosporin and bandaged. It survived.

This is what happens.

I, unconsciously, pick and tear at my cuticles. I can do this in my sleep, or while I’m driving or just while I’m walking down the hall. My point is, I do it constantly and randomly.

Recently, after cleaning up a truly horrible massacre on my thumb, and 4 other fingers, I looked at them, all wrapped up in small band aids filled with neosporin and wrapped in white tape and I remembered someone else who wore white tape on the tips of his fingers and I would say, after a bit clean up, my hands look just like his.

Someone named Michael Jackson…michael_jackson_

Some say that he did it because of his Vitiligo disease.

Some say that he did it to draw attention to the movements of his hands while he was dancing and performing.

I think otherwise. As I look down at my fingers that I’ve since cleaned up from the above photo, and notice that they are very similar to his hands seen here, it makes me wonder.

Did Michael have this problem too? He seemed like the type of obsessive person to do something like this. Then again, I didn’t know him so I am making assumptions.

I have never really sat down and figured out what this problem was labeled as. So I went to the internet. I found disorders on obsessive fingernail biting. But that is not what this is. I don’t do this with my teeth. I do this with my nails. I pick and tear the skin around the nails (the cuticles) until there is lots of bleeding. I’ve sometimes bled on work documents and cursed whatever this “disorder” is.

Then, I found it.

Dermatillomania – Episodes of skin picking are often preceded or accompanied by tension, anxiety, or stress. The region most commonly picked is the face, but other frequent locations include the arms, legs, back, gums, lips, shoulders, scalp, stomach, chest, and extremities such as the fingernails, cuticles, and toenails.  Most patients with dermatillomania report having a primary area of the body that they focus their picking on, but they will often move to other areas of the body to allow their primary picking area to heal.

This was it. Yes, I do move onto different fingers when one or two or three fingers become to painful and are bleeding. After all, I have 8 fingers and 2 thumbs to choose from.

When I read this I realized, yes, as I’ve gotten older I have been known to pick at my face to. But not excessively since my face is much more visible, more so than my finger tips, which I can hide. I certainly don’t pick my face to bleeding.

But picking at my cuticles has been something I’ve done for as long as I can remember. As I have gotten older, its gotten worse.

At some points, it can be so bad that even dipping my hands in lukewarm water burns the raw areas around my nails. The only solution to ease the pain of the raw skin is neosporin, small bandaids and tape.  When its gets really bad at work and I’ve realized what I’ve done, I will raid the office medicine cabinet of small band aids and Antibiotic Ointment.

There is another solution to allow my skin to heal. I get fake nails put on. I can’t pick at them with fake nails because it doesn’t give me the same feeling as picking with my real nails. This leads me to believe it is a mental disorder.

When fake nails are put on, I forgo the picking and the cuticles heal. But the minute those fake nails come off, the bleeding is back with a vengeance. I could keep putting fake nails on but I’m not one to pay for something like that and keep going every two weeks to get them filled.

I’ve never thought myself to have any types of obsessive disorders. But I really wonder if this is even close to cutting?

The ironic thing is…I hate pain.

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I know that some people have a higher tolerance for pain than others. I have no tolerance for pain. For instance, if someone who can tolerate pain said the pain is at about a 5…I would put that same amount of pain at a 20. I am a wimp.

Yet, when I do this to my fingers, as I mentioned about about the lukewarm water, the pain can be pretty bad and I continue to do this to myself!!

I guess I can tell myself it’s not as bad as cutting and my fingers don’t get so bad that they get infected (probably because I douse them in neosporin when they are to raw to pick at anymore) but still, it can be embarrassing when others see my hands and see how raw and red they are. I wonder what they must think of me.

I guess I should try and stop.

This was taken on my wedding day, October 2001. It was soon after this, that my fingers began to suffer.

This was taken on my wedding day, October 2001. It was soon after this, that my fingers began to suffer.

Why does asking for help always come with strings….

I had to do it. Because of my move, and needing to put down a deposit for the new apartment and so on, it is going to take me a while to get back on my feet. I’m not destitute, I am just depleting my savings account again and that irritates me.

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The strings…are sometimes to much drama to bare…..

But I made the decision of asking my mother to pay for skating lessons for the month of May. This would be the first time I’ve asked for this. I try very hard to avoid asking for anything because each time I do, it comes back to haunt me.

Sometimes, asking for things doesn’t come with a price. Sometimes, the ravings in the form of “you aren’t getting The Boy what he needs” never happen. Then sometimes, they do. And they mostly occur, when she has helped me in some way. It’s like my outer shell has been removed and she can see the soft under belly of my vulnerablity and begins to stab at it with her “ha ha you can’t do it…” taunts.

Blegh…..

The Boy starts his actual hockey lessons next week. He passed his beginning skating classes and I was told by the instructor he can move onto the Hockey 1 class.  I just need to get him a helmet. The instructor told me that a helmet is not required but that just for safety he can wear a bicycle helmet (which he does have). I do intend to get him an actual hockey helmet. It’s just that money is tight and I don’t get paid again until next Friday.

My mother flips out about my intention to wait a week or so for the helmet.

Her dramatics are really becoming unbearable. It’s hard to explain in typed out words but its her face. For instance, just because I was going to use a bike helmet for ONE lesson she gets this worried look on her face like I just told her I was feeding the kid JD in his milk! Like I just told her he is dying, or something like that. She really thinks it’s the end of the world.

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It’s drama at its best. And it also tends to show its face way to much fo rme.

And the way she thinks that she is my child’s mother really just needs to stop. Although, this will never surprise me. I’m so easily overlooked by all my family, I really doubt they know I exist.

And of course, just the day before I asked my sister to take The Boy Friday night so I could just get some things done and go to my Doctor appointment without having to drag him along and I soon recanted that for fear of more vulnerability being shown on my part. I just hope that The Boy can be patient through the appointment and keep from being flappy gumbs and telling the whole family I’m going the medical route with weight loss, something they would probably not approve of and put me down for. I just don’t need to deal with that drama to.

So, I will now deplete my savings utterly and totally and just pay for the May lessons. The price of getting help is far worse than a $0 balance in my savings account, which is not to unfamiliar to me.

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I can’t show weakness with them. I can’t show that I, as a human being, need a break.

Oh because, you know, my mother raised her children with no help and no breaks..right? Hmmm yeah…not exactly how I remembered it. I remember bouts of mental explosions, manipulations and a mother who seriously needed to be on medications.

I’m not saying I’m not susceptible to any of that but I darned sure try to be more in control of my out bursts than she ever was. I certainly don’t want my son remembering me as a mother who would yell, hit, act crazy and do crazy things. (I am not this way, but my mother, was a different story).

I also want The Boy to remember a mother who would tell him “I’m so very proud of you” on a regular basis. Because I certainly am and I told him just this last night, on the drive home from his practice.

I have yet to ever hear that from my own mother. Hugs and kisses and “I love you” is rare to non-existent.

Anyway, I’m rambling. The bottom line is…it is not life or death if the boy has a helmet at his practice next Tuesday as the instructor said it wasn’t necessary. But apparently, I’m the world’s worst mom (according to my own) if he doesn’t have one.

I’m really tired of dramatics…

I’m not really a female, I HATE shopping

I do.

I hate, despise and loathe shopping of any kind. Whether it be for clothes, shoes, food or whatever, I hate it.  If I had a boyfriend or husband they would NOT be holding my purse while I go in the dressing room to try on 10 different outfits.

I would rather have a damned beer and watch hockey! Or play a video game. Or even better….have sex…are all freakin’ four at the same time!

(yeah, even I wonder why I’m not some geek/nerd/sports fanatics’ dream come true)

no-shopping

Anyway, my routine is that every other wednesday, I go grocery shopping. That is something I have to do because, unfortunately, eating is not an option.

I load up the eCoupons onto my Ralphs card, gather as many paper coupons as I can and then get to this daunting task. I know the lay out of the Ralphs by my house so I can get in and out of there fairly quickly even if my list is pretty big. I usually start at the fruit section, then cheese, drinks, snack, household, cat food and so on until I’m at my final destiantion, the frozen beef.

I usually lose control of The Boy back up at snacks. He starts bouncing all around, smashing into other people’s carts which stimulates the flood of apologies from me until I finally get to the “BE STILL!!!!” part of our shopping trip. Hence, why I like to keep shopping trips short.

But you better believe that I threw a bottle of this into my cart. I knew I would need it later…

Some of this, in my Coke Zero...and all is well

Some of this, in my Coke Zero…and all is well

Due to my move, I hadn’t gone full grocery shopping in a month.  To give a picture of it, before I scanned my Ralphs card and applied coupons, the total was well over $300.

I ended up saving $88 on this trip after Ralphs card and coupons.

But I think the most strenuous part of last night was having to lug all those bags up a flight of stairs for the first time. I live in an upstairs unit now. For the past 2 years I lived in a downstairs.

I really felt that at one point, my heart was going to explode in my chest.

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From Disney’s Sword in the Stone – The Wolf who wanted to eat Arthur/Wart (If you don’t know what I’m talking about look it up on youtube..its a great movie. A Disney Classic)

Regardless, I did save $88. In the past, I have saved up to $120 on grocery shopping trips before but it really depends on what I buy and what coupons I can snag.

After all that, I did recieve good news in my mailbox that wasn’t a  bill. I’m getting $420 of my $600 deposit back from my previous apartment. Pretty good and I could use it right now to tie up loose ends. Now I just wait for the actual check, which I should get within a week.

My Back Story: The Marriage/Divorce

I have spent some time reading many different blogs and I have to say I really thought I was alone in all the feelings and emotions I’ve had as a divorcee and single mother for these past 9 years.

I.am.not.alone

And that feels friggin’ fantastic.

But I do have my own individual story.  Please, take the time to walk down Memory Lane with me.

As Louis from Interview with a Vampire said:

“Shall we begin like David Copperfield? ‘I am born……I grew up.’ Or shall we begin when I was born to darkness, as I call it.”

Well I wasn’t born to darkness, I just liked the way Brad Pitt talked in that scene.

Anyway, I will begin at where the road started to where I am now. I believe God has His hands on all and I believe He looked away as I made the worst decision of my life when I was 22, to walk into that bar on Colorado Blvd, Pasadena, California.

I walked in and sat down at the bar, right next to a very good-looking, dark-haired scruffy bearded male. This man was NOT my type. I liked blondes. However, I still gave this man my number and well, what do you know, he called me.

A year and a half later, we were married.  Its appropriate to mention that at one time during that year and a half, I had a relationship “fork in the road” as I had the chance to choose one of two men: My ex, who I ended up marrying, or another man who was not as adventuresome but was a quiet and devoted man who really did love me…..

As the Grail Knight would say….indiana_jones_grail_knight-you-have-chosen-poorly

Yes, thank you Mr. Knight…much appreciated for pointing that out.

The preparations for the wedding were tormenting to say the least. My parents and sister disapproved of him, and rightly so.

Now, he never hit me or was violent during the 5 years of our relationship (which included a boyfriend/girlfriend status then marriage). He was just what you would call a plain old asshole. I know that is SUCH an ex-wife cliché thing to say but that really is what he was. Even his family thought so. I really do not believe he possessed one ounce of human decency or humanity in him.

To help paint this picture of his personality, I give you this scenario:

While you may feel sadness for the soldiers who die while serving their country (God Bless them) and the families and friends they leave behind, my ex would say “they knew what they were getting into when they signed up…to bad” (and that is actually word for word what he said on that subject one time). *cough* asshole *cough*

He also had a drinking and drug problem but as I think back, his assholery was the worst part of him, which says a lot about his assholery when compared to a drinking and drug problem. And yes, assholery is a word, look it up. You will see a picture of my ex-husband next to it.

But, despite the red BANNERS that were flying up, no they were careening across my face,  (yeah sure…I’ll spend the next 50 years of my life driving your drunk ass around), the wedding proceeded. I blame myself on this point, for being so stupid.

It ended up being a pretty decent wedding. My family probably just gave in to the fact that I was going to go through with this mistake and just decided to go with it. The cake was beautiful. My brides maids, who were my older half-sister, younger sister and best friend, were beautiful. It went great.

Note: On the bright side, I’m glad that my best friend was able to be in the wedding. She lost her battle with cancer 5 years after my wedding. We were 29 years old (her and I were the same age). When I told my Ex, who I had been divorced from already for about 2 years, he shrugged his shoulders. Again, not one ounce of human empathy.

Then the “marriage” started, and I began to realize, what a mistake I made. The man, seemed to loathe me. Now, I did not know this at that time, but looking back….the signs were everywhere. He had no respect for me in the marriage, didn’t allow me to go to classes at night to finish my AA degree. I had to switch my P.M. Watch Police Clerk job to day hours because he didn’t like coming home to an empty house (yet when I was there, he never acknowledged it). I secretly believed he despised that I liked my P.M. Police Clerk job and just didn’t like that. It was very strange. It was like he enjoyed having the extra money that being a part of a marriage brought in, but still wanted to do his own thing and not acknowledge that I was a part of this marriage team and must be considered part of it.

Also, the intimate part of the marriage, was null and void. On top of his apparent loathe for me, he never touched me and to get sex, I had to make him drunk and force myself. I will leave it at that as I would like to keep things PG but for me, as a woman, to not be wanted by your husband is pretty much murder to my already non-existent self esteem. It beat it down into its grave and then peed on it.

Then there was the alcohol and drugs. Ok, I will admit, I participated in both. Hey, I was 24, had a great job, a husband. I really thought this was part of what it was all about. But I never went over board with it. In fact, I stopped participating  and then became not only something he loathed but was also the “ball and chain” wife.

He was also drunk all the time, a “functioning alcoholic” as I later came to find out was the term. He would drink all the time but sure get up and be ready for work the next day. The booze was worse than the drugs, so yay for him choosing the lesser of two evils, maybe.

Our first split up:

This happened just shy of 2 years into our marriage. I decided to leave. I confided in my parents (yes, that was held over my head many times since then of my failure to make a marriage work) and they moved me back into their house.

Then, this man, who was a drunk asshole changed into a sniveling heap.

The change was absolutely astonishing that even my parents were like, huh? He weeped to me on the phone how much he loved me how much he missed me. He weeped to me on the phone that he wanted his wife back. I was shell shocked.

He wrote a letter to my parents saying how much he loved their daughter and wanted me back. They were shell shocked.

It was at this time, during our 4 months separation, I met a lovely police officer at the police station in Los Angeles that I was working at and we hit it off well..but…once again, I failed myself and made, yet another wrong choice at the “relationship fork in the road”. I went back to the crying heap faster than pot heads attack Doritos.

indiana_jones_grail_knight-you-have-chosen-poorly again

Yes, Sir Knight….we get the point…thanks.

I then became pregnant:

So we are back together and we moved into an apartment in Glendale since we lost our other apartment during the separation. That was when, I got pregnant. Although to this day I don’t know how since our sex life was pretty much nothing. But it happened (and no I didn’t cheat…I am not like that, I even felt guilty about dating the cop because I wasn’t officially divorced).

Later, he told me that it was exactly 3 days after we got back together that he knew he shouldn’t have taken me back and he also told me that the crying and sniveling was an act (I am not making this up). He said that just before I got pregnant, he was going to dump my ass back to the curb. The deceit was never ending with this man.

So now I’m pregnant and he is staying with me out of sheer obligation The pregnancy was ok. We ended up renting out a condo from his friend and we got a decent baby room set up. We got two cats (which I lost during the divorce, he sold them for $50 to some vet he knew….we had bought those cats for about $700 together)….and my pregnancy went on without any real complications. I was taken off work at around 7 months because I was getting gall stones (painful) and they could do nothing about it until after the baby was born. So the last 3 months of my pregnancy were actually the most peaceful and calmest three months in my life. I would wake up, whenever and just piddle around with my cats, go shopping (because I was actually getting alot of disability money and an extra $1400 a month from Aflac) and eat. It was great.

The time came to give birth to his son. It was a nightmare.

The birth of my son:

First, he wouldn’t take me to the friggin hospital when the contractions began to make me go insane. Sure, I will admit to a low tolerance for pain, however, I knew enough to know that when the contractions got bad…I should have gone to the hospital. He said to wait and wait and wait and I got so scared that I grabbed the car keys and attempted to prepare to drive MYSELF to the dang hospital! He then took me.

I labored for 12 hours (but had been contracting for long before that). It hurt….

Honestly, I don’t remember much, it was a blur. I remember getting there, pain in the delivery room, then the doctor breaking my water, then more pain, then doctor saying the kid’s head was stuck in my pelvic bone and C-section was necessary. Then the epidural….then painless heaven which included watching Wheel of Fortune while waiting to get wheeled into the operating room.

The baby is born, I get put into the observation room, I hear that my blood pressure is dropping….I pass out.

Next thing I remember, I am in the hospital recovery room and my son is put in my arms as the nurse is trying to teach me how to breastfeed and all I want to do is sleep.

Now, this is what my family told me what happened.

Just after the delivery, when I was in the recovery room with the baby in the incubator, my parents were not allowed into the room to see me or the baby because my husband wouldn’t allow it.

My ex said the nurse told him that no one was allowed.

I am in a state of delirium so I didn’t know what happened!

On this account, I blame both my family and my ex.

My family because they made ME feel guilty about not doing something about this because apparently, even though I had just given birth and I my blood pressure was dropping, I was still supposed to only make sure they had it their way. I honestly didn’t know what was going on.

My ex, because he could have allowed them in, but then again, I really don’t know if he was being stopped by the nurse on that count.

Moving on, the next day my family came to visit and I was more lucid yet I wondered why they were being so mean, to me, my ex and his family. I did find out later all that happened but will never forgive them for making it more difficult than it already was.  But that is who my family is……Drama Royalty.

The Official Divorce:

For a month, I took care of The Boy and loved every minute of it. But I believe I was either suffering from postpartum or something because I just decided to leave my husband. I remember feeling scared. I was scared that I have this child now and it wasn’t just me dealing with his heartless inhumanity but my boy. I had to protect him.

I left 2 months after my son was born. Our divorce was finalized 1 year after that. I was then living with my family. This was in 2004. There were a couple of times he took me back to court after it was finalized to change the orders. More specifically, he took me back one time to request he stop having to pay child support. The judge laughed in his face

Since then, I had to deal with the other issue of mine, my family. My mother in particular. We have never gotten along and her dramatics I just couldn’t take sometimes, especially being back in their house.

However, I made it to today, where for the past 2 years I’ve had my own apartment, been able to take care of myself and The Boy and enjoy adventures together.

Every now and then, my Ex needs information for his medical insurance that he has on The Boy (Insurance coverage is court ordered as well as the child support. He works for L.A. and gets paid pretty decently) and he contacts me.  However, the last interaction I had with him. he needed to know his son’s birth date. He didn’t even know his own son’s birthday. Well that could be because he hasn’t seen his son in 8 years. He’s never sent his son a birthday or Christmas card. I once tried to send my ex and ex-in laws photos, they were returned with a phone call from my ex, to quit harassing them. Although I never understood how sending photos of their grand child who carries his father’s name, was harassment but…whatever.

At one time, I hated that man. I hated him more than I hated any thing on this earth. I do not hate him anymore and I haven’t for a long time. I feel sorry for him. Because my ex gets to miss out on his son learning to skate and playing hockey. He gets to miss out on school open houses and the quirky things he says. He gets to miss out on his mess of long hair and that wonderful smile that can be accompanied by the most jovial laugh. I feel sad for my ex who didn’t want to be a part of a wonderful child’s life.

The Boy is adventuresome and sensitive. He is kind and very smart. He is actually more like me in personality (but that includes the Drama genes, something I resist in myself). But, only physically, is he the image of his father.

Since then, I have only been on one date. I did not follow through.  I really lost trust in not only men but people and most of all, I lost trust in my judgement of character. The combination of this lack of judgement in people and myself and a non-existent self-esteem created a cocktail of fear which lead to loneliness which leads to occasional depression, something I battle daily.

Being a mother has helped me focus on what is important and helps with that battle tremendously. Being a mother to The Boy is the one choice, where……I chose wisely….

“You have Chosen WISELY”

Ah Thank you Grail Knight…I can rest easy now…

I turned in the keys and moved onto the next chapter in my life

During my lunch today, I drove to my leasing office and turned in my two apartment keys, mailbox key, pool key and workout room fob. I will get charged for the parking permit which I lost a while ago. Ah well.

On the way, a Busy Bee decided to join me for a short while.

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FYI – there is a closed window between that bee and this non-zoomed cell phone photo. That is the only way I stayed calm.

I was trying to imagine what his poor little bee brain was thinking as the wind was threatening his hold on my window. For about 10 seconds, he held on tight. But alas, the wind blew him away.

Good Bye busy bee. May your flight lead you to the flower of your dreams.

I went into my old apartment one last time

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It was bizarre for me to see it all empty.

For the past 2 years, this is where my son and I have lived, yelled, laughed, played video games, tickled the cat and it is where I created a home.

For 2 years I cooked meals in that kitchen and did thousands upon thousands of loads of laundry in that crappy apartment washer and dryer.

For many Sunday evenings, I would sit in that living room screaming at my TV as yet another person got eaten by a Walker and when my favorite character died in Downton Abbey.

Back in late February, I was tossing around the decision to transfer units to get an upstairs and get away from the couple above me who liked to be really loud during their sex-capades, even after being told by the leasing office to keep their sex noise down (after I complained, of course). After The Boy heard them one morning…my decision was made final.

*dear neighbor upstairs, My son really doesn’t need to hear you smacking your girlfriend’s ass multiple times and then the sound of her very loud “O” face. If you want to be loud with your dominatrix bedroom escapades, go buy a fucking house*

Some.people.are.gross.

Then the moving process began and I was thrown into the worse month of my life which included moving, preparing for The Boy’s birthday and a Sea World weekend trip.

That is done and now, I say goodbye to an empty apartment that was my home for 2 years and hello to a new chapter and fresh new apartment.  Although it look EXACTLY the same as the old one, minus one bathroom.

Decision…Decisions…

As a reward for transferring my Verizon service to the new aparmtnet, I was able to choose from a number of difference venues for a $50 gift card.

It was a toss up between:

target_gift_card

or

AMC-GC

Then I realized I could split the $50 so did $25 for both! I know Iron Man is coming to theatres next month so we get to see that for free!

Sometimes it’s the little joys that get me. Because I was REALLY feeling down this morning…bad…again.

But now I’m enjoying:

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Actual photo of my lunch

And it’s actually yummy and refreshing. I love Farmer Boys Salads.

The moving…is done! (and a shameless plug)

As of yesterday, I am moved completely out of my old apartment and fully into the new one.

The break down of this move, from the time I decided it, until now, was one of the most trying things I’ve done yet, as a single mother and pretty much on my own. After realizing that I was going to be pretty much on my own, I decided to just throw myself into it.

Saturday involved my cousin and his friend helping with the big items (dining table, hutch, two bed frames, two desks and a dresser) and wow did they come through! I’m very proud of them and wished I could have given them more money.

They did most of this themselves because I had a Verizon tech in the apartment and had to stay in there with him so I was unpacking just to keep busy. But I didn’t intend on being out of the moving process at all.

I sold my sofa the day before the move and just in time because I really didn’t want that ugly sofa anymore and I didn’t want them to have to move it. I’m buying a new one today.

My parents and sister did come over that day to help, I will admit this. However, my sister helped by taking The Boy for a hair cut not moving much of anything. I could have used her car for boxes when I moved almost 40 of them the Saturday before BUT, I’m used to this kind of thing.

Saturday night, after all moving was done, I had fully intended on showering and passing out, but just minutes before I was going to shower, I got a knock on the door. It was apartment maintenance saying there was a leak in the building and all water was being shut off. My shower would not happen.

I passed out.

Sunday, was shower first, then unpacking and getting food in the fridge. Done and done and done!

So now, I am in an upstairs unit. I have a large balcony where my patio furniture is going and where The Boy claims he will be eating all his dinners from here on out. We are down to one bathroom which he doesn’t like because now we have to share. And the bathroom itself is kind of really small.

My room shrunk a lot as well. I barely fit my full bed and desk in there. Before, I could fit the full bed and desk, side by side. Not now. And I HATE that the closet doors have mirrors. Great…so that when I get up first thing in the morning and I’m groggy and look over and see something staring back at me, I can have a nice “Good Morning” heart attack each morning until I realize its just my reflection. I look forward to that.

I believe I got a slightly bigger kitchen, or its an optical illusion because there is no bar blocking the view of kitchen and living room. But the dining room back wall shrunk.

And I finally have a dryer that dries. The other one would take 3 cycles to dry anything and that made for very long nights up waiting for laundry to dry.

I’ve also met alot of the neighbors. The people seem to be more friendly on this side of the apartment complex. Its a pretty big apartment community. There is a single mother below me with a boy just the same age as my boy. I met a woman with a barking chihuahua across the way from me. And I also met a woman and daughter who lives on the other side of the wall behind my kitchen.

The cat is still adjusting. He was a bit rattle from the new settings. Even though, the apartment looks JUST like the old one, minus a bathroom. But I’m sure to him it smells different. But he was acting a bit weird y esterday. Like hiding behind the fridge and meowing….I didn’t know where he was but I heard him. It was like he was in the 5th dimension or something….That one wierded me out a bit

5th Dimension Kitteh

He has found his perches up on the window sills and I believe he is enjoying being high up, where he can see it all. Also, he has not tried to escape by opening the screen door at all. Maybe its because he realizes there is no escape if he does get it open and gets out. Unless he wants to fall 15 to the ground. And as I told The Boy, if he is willing to do that, then he really hates us and we should all just move on. But I’m glad to report, he has not tried to escape and doesn’t hate us.

I was just happy to have had my internet and cable up and running (thanks Verizon tech who came out on Saturday to install it because I couldn’t install it all myself, because the apartment apparently rips out ALL cords from the boxes and walls and leave nothing for the next tenant to use). That means I was able to lay in my bed and watch Game of Thrones last night. VERY good episode BTW…..(last scene had me going “OH MY GOD ACK!)

And yes, Eeyore did help me move. In his own little way…..I  hope to get out to Disneyland on Friday night, to check out the Iron Man Exhibit.

Lastly, I would also suggest to any of  you who have small children or just read children’s books or just tell your friends and family and local libraries, to check out this children’s book at Amazon.com . This kids’ book was illustrated and written by two of my very talented relatives. They are very excited to have the book, just a few days ago, go live on Amazon.com. Thanks!

I can only rely on myself

I had a conversation with my mother on Wednesday afternoon which concluded with her bringing my dad and their SUV to help me move some 50+ boxes.

I should have known better.

I texted her earlier today to bring water when she came by but low and behold….she forgot. No, she didn’t forget the water. She forgot entirely that she was supposed to come over. Oh but she sure didn’t forget to record The Walking Dead on her DVR for my sister. Sometimes being the non-favorite daughter is maddening.

So, not only did she forget about coming over to  help me today  but she forgot the whole conversation we had on Wednesday. She then proceeded to blamed me because I have a busy schedule.

This is why I never ask for help and blame myself for thinking I can.

So now I am staring at the realization that I have 50+ boxes to move with my little VW Jetta.

I actually just moved about 40 boxes with a dolly and trips back and forth between the apartments. (I’m only moving from one unit to another in the same apartment complex)

I need a drink….

I guess I should ask Eeyore to help me move. I would probably get a better response from him.

No wonder I trust no one on this planet. I can’t even trust my own family.

Learn from your Bagels…

Ah, the lovely carb that captures us all, The Bagel. I actually love bagels and if I ever do give up carbs entirely, the bagel, I will not give up.

At my place of employment, there are usually bagels at the coffee pot on Friday. Today is a Friday, and I was late to getting to the coffee pot this morning to snag a bagel. When I got there, they were all gone except for the one that is ALWAYS last. The unloved Poppy Seed bagel.

They all mock the Poppy Seed Bagel

I actually looked on the internet and searched the different varieties of bagels and the varieties span so wide I couldn’t cover them all.  It’s not just plain, sesame seed and onion anymore.  All of this, I’m sure you all know.

My point is, that every Friday, I notice the last bagel in the Noah’s Bagel box is the Poppy Seed bagel. I wondered, why is this?

Then, by default, after finally having the chance to get the last bagel which was the Poppy Seed bagel, I realized WHY it is never chosen.

Because of The Poppy Seeds

It’s like they are staring into your soul….

These things end up EVERYWHERE! Just to put cream cheese on this bagel was an Adventure in Swashbuckling a Poppy Seed as it seemed the Poppy Seeds knew their bagel had been chosen and they began to jump up and dance off the bagel and onto my desk, all over my keyboard, down my shirt (yup) and into my coffee.  For the record, they were found in all those places.

The Poppy Seed bagel is ALIVE, but I defeated it with a cream cheese knife and my appetite.

A cat on the window sill….

Seeing Double?

My cat is becoming my best friend. I don’t know if that makes me look good or just pathetic but I don’t care. I love him so much.

Here he is, enduring my Canon in his face, yet again. I can’t help it! He’s such a good subject.

I love getting shots of his reflection in a mirror. It’s like I have two of him and double the fur and love!

The check is in the mail…

A call from a bill collector, sent me into a whirlwind of flash backs.

Because of this move from one apartment to another, I have had to put a few bills on the back burner to be able to have enough for the deposit on the new apartment and such.

So of course, the loan company for my car was the first to call. Well, I really have no other bills other than rent, utilities and my car payment.  my car payment is only 2 weeks late.

My pre-bankruptcy days returned to me in full force flash backs and my heart fell into my stomach.

Before I continue, yes, I did file a BK. Being a single mother and, at one time, out of work, was a perfect combination for getting so far into a hole, there was no way of getting out. So, yes, I did BK. All judgment can be left at the door because it saved me from driving my car off a cliff and meeting Jesus to soon!

Anyway, I almost forgot how rude collections can be. How heartless and cold they can be, especially over the phone. I calmly and rather politely told this lady, Sylvia, that the check was in the mail. It wasn’t a cliché. I do plan on placing a check for the full amount and any late fees due, in the mail on Saturday, well maybe Monday, but I will do it!

And on another side note, I send paper checks for my car payments because I refuse to be charged a fee to have the ability to pay online. I do not understand what that fee is for as I am interacting with no one. Hence, even my regular payments get sent through snail mail and I just time them appropriately.

Moveing on, the rudeness and demands of how I MUST pay over the phone was unbelievable. I told her that I can’t pay her with money that I do not have and she continued with her arguments on how I can which I just couldn’t  understand because unless she was going to fund me money to pay for a car payment that was only 2 weeks late, it wasn’t getting done over the phone, at that very moment.

I ended it with “the check is in the mail” and hung up.

It is though, or will be by Monday. I actually have this all planned out and will be transferring monies from a small little savings I have been able to collect since I was blessed with a much higher paying job last year, in June. I’m still waiting for that transferred money to end its trip, at my checking account.

So if this “Sylvia” can keep her panties out of a bunch for another 4 days, I would be grateful.

Moving check list getting finished!

And the light at the end of the nightmare is starting to become more visable!

I spent my whole lunch hour calling 4 different utilities and my Allstate Agent (renters insurance policy) to transfer services.

I think I give Southern California Edison and Verizon a close tie for the most smooth transition but Verizon may push into first with their deal.

S. Cali Edison let me use the same account number and  basically nothing changes on my end.

Verizon got me $10 off my internet service and half off my HBO compared to what I’m paying now! So I’m happy.

Most annoying was Gas Co. They didn’t let me keep my old account number and are charging me $25 for end and starting service! BOOOO!!

And luckily the trash/sewer/water company is taken care of through the leasing office so I don’t have to worry about that.

But that is something to check off my list.  And my Allstate agent is working on the new policy for my Renters insurance so that is getting settled.

I get the keys to the new place on Monday yay!

It is beginning to look like the dust is settling. And when that does, all I have to do is catch up on a late car payment and whatever charges and bill combinations I’ll be getting with these utilities.

Whew!

So today…I start the packing and cleaning…

Hopefully….

My plan is to start in my master bathroom, clean it from top to bottom because there is hair on the ceiling of the shower. Now I know my hair is long and to be honest, I am NOT a dirty housekeeper and keep things super neat and clean so how in the WORLD does hair get on my shower ceiling? It’s  my super talent I guess.

Anyway, I will be cleaning my master bathroom and from here until the move I will be functioning in the guest bathroom. Once its clean…it will not be used!

Then if I get that done tonight, I move onto the kitchen. As I was making breakfast this morning, (eggs and bacon if anyone is curious), I noticed that I have two sets of dinner ware. That is way to much for  a family of two, so out one goes!

Moving really does help clean out the cobwebs and I just don’t mean the ones the spiders make.

But I’m glad to have one bathroom to have to clean after 2 years of having to clean two. I can now have my one Mickey Mouse themed bathroom. I’m on Bed  Bath and Beyond to get this

I already have the color coordinated towels and bath rug to match Mickey colors…

Its now 9:30 pm and wow…I totally intended to have had my bathroom packed and cleaned up by this time…and it didn’t happen. Why do I do this to myself!

I’m moving…

But just moving to a different unit in the same apartment complex. I want an upstairs unit so that I can open up the windows at night during the summer. And I want a non-smoking building because I can’t take the smoke coming into my slider when my neighbors goes onto her porch to smoke. And I’m hoping that I can now open my slider and not have the cat try to open the screen and get out…if he walks out onto the balcony…he can’t run away. Unless he jumps 10 feet to the ground…we shall see how brave he is.

And I’m losing a bathroom, which is fine by me because cleaning two bathrooms doesn’t work for me anymore.

This should happen by mid-April. I am on the list for the first available upstairs, 2bed/1bath, non smoking building that comes available. But packing will start now and I’ll have to change my address and utilities. But for the most part, I hope for it to be a smooth transfer since I will be basically moving only feet from where I am now.

What to do with a $300 gift card for Walmart?

So for signing up with Charter, I get a $300 gift card to Walmart…it’s on it’s way to me.

I already have my shopping list! I’m filling up the fridge, getting some new clothes, getting some picture frames for the walls, getting my son a new desk and all the cleaning and cat supplies I need! I’m hella excited!

That’s right…I said HELLA!!!!