Seeing the future….it looks sad.

I’m coming to realize that my mother, has some SERIOUS mental issues.  Not schizophrenic or hearing voices.  She has some serious, beyond normal separation anxiety issues.  I have believed for years that she has Borderline Personality Disorder.

The most recent occurrence comes to mind. My son is 13, and will be going to a summer camp where I will be dropping him off in the morning and picking him up in the afternoon after work.  She will no long be doing that task which is what she’s been doing since about mid-March, dropped him off at school and picked him up from school.

I swear, the way she reacts to this, one would think that my son DIED.  She gets really upset when she realizes that we don’t need her all the time anymore.  Like I mentioned above, severe separation anxiety issues. When she a gets in this mode, she begins to throw around fals accusations.  She actually accused my son of saying he no longer wanted to be around him or my ailing father. I was shocked and was like “WHAT?” Turns out, when I actually got away from texting her (because through a text is the easiest way for her to lie and it’s her #1 source of communication when she doesn’t want me to force her to see the truth) and dialed her on the phone to get this info….surprise….surprise, the back peddling begins. No, he never said that.  That is just the way she feels.  That was a heavy accusation but I can expect nothing less from someone who is emotional unstable.  I never know what I’m walking into when I go to see her.

But I know that the looming gloom of the future days for her has got to be overwhelming.  Her “Golden Years” will not be filled with RV trips and 20 grand kids playing swings in her back yard.  Her days are going to be filled with loneliness and pain.  They will be filled with taking care of someone who used to be her soulmate and still is but no longer has the mind to communicate.

The pity I feel is for her, realizing this is her life, is what helps me get through her unstable moods and horrible words….for instance……

…..nothing like being told that I’m just WAITING for her and my beloved Dementia riddled father to die so I can live in their house and get an inheritance.  That one will never cease to sting, each time I think of it….

And that was just the most recent.  Being her daughter has meant a lifetime of put downs, and insults. As of now, little things are said daily, to me, about me, about my son.  How I’m failing in everything.  Over the years, those I really have learned to shake off, get up, say my goodbyes and state that we will try again another day.  But it never changes.  She just continues to spit out her venon in the form of insults, whether they are true or far fetched.

And never an apology….but OH God forbid my sister or I say anything remotely unkind to her…all hell breaks loose and she’s the properly placed victim.

But that is what makes me sad the most.  She has turned into someone that I only tolerate because she gave me life. Other than that, I offer no more of myself.  I just can’t get past her abrasive, cold attitude.  She doesn’t appreciate what my sister and I have done for her, helped her.  She is just wrapped up in her own world where it’s all about her, all the time. Anything else happens that doesn’t involve her (i.e. I take a small car trip with my son without her…..I get the “guilt trip, I’m stuck here alone with your father” act).

I wonder….I wonder if some day I can look at her and actually tell her how HARD she made it to even slightly love her.

But what I wonder most….is would she even care.

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Hello! And how are you? How was your weekend?

“Hello! And how are you? How was your weekend?”

Ah, to be a human out in the world of other humans.  How many times have we been asked this question and in response, smiled and said something along the lines of “I’m doing great and my weekend was fantastic!”?

In reality, you are in physical pain constantly because your lower back feels like it’s barely being held together by string, you deal with migraines just about every week, the fat keeps piling on no matter how much you move or how much you don’t eat and it weighs you down and you have an emotionally draining mother who demands attention whenever you are with her and her “it’s all about MY problems” look on life in tie with an ailing father who doesn’t communicate or interact at all.  This piled up on top of your own worries of trying to keep a household on a pay that doesn’t fit the economy (thanks to moving to a state that is 50 years behind the USA cost of living) and trying to keep a stable relationship with a 13 year old son who is starting to just want to have nothing to do with you…but sure wants your money. greatthanks
I guess that would be a lot longer to say in response to a short inpersonal question.  Oh and I’m pretty sure that the person asking, really doesn’t genuinely care how you are REALLY doing.

The truth is, some people are WAY to perky and LAUGH way to much.  I want to turn to them and say,

Look! Not all of us have a hard working spouse, two incomes and wonderful little perfect children.  Some people, and by some people I mean ME, have to sometimes choose between food and gas just to stay afloat. So constantly ranting about your all of the above to me, pretty much makes me want to punch a baby. Knock it off…I don’t care!

But that would be mean and un-sociable.

So I smile and nod and say the socially accepted phrases such as “oh isn’t that great” or “oh so cute

But really…..

 

Luke-----I-Don--t-Care

 

“The idea of Summmer…and all things….HOT…”

Yeah, I just couldn’t think of a title but oh how much I love that Snowman!

If you are reading this, you might want to make sure you have the time and grab a coffee and pull up a chair.  This might be a long update.

So, this morning, I drop off The Boy at before care and the room is all dark and every single child is staring at the tv and singing along to our favorite Snowman….

I proudly announced that his voice and that “Summer” song is my ring tone…I have no shame!  I love that Snowman!

Happy Anniversary!  You registered on WordPress.com 1 year ago! Thanks for flying with us. Keep up the good blogging!

Yes, it has been 1 year that I’ve had this WordPress blog open. It doesn’t seem that long yet, it kinda does. I think that may be because of the massive amount of writing I’ve put into this thing and how much of my life history I’ve revealed.

4th Grade Project

THearstCastle-712894his month is 4th grade project month.  Apparently, 4th graders are no longer tied down to doing just a Mission located here in California.  At least my kid’s school isn’t requiring a California Mission.  We get to choose any California landmark we desire.  I decided….oh I mean THE BOY….decided Hearst Castle in San Simeon, CA.  How the HELL I’m going to make a model of this thing now has me worried that I may have bit off more than I can chew…but it’s THE BOY’s project…right? It doesn’t reflect at ALL on me..right?

Wrong….

But regardless, I will try to create the front of the Castle, some trees in front then the Neptune Pool.  The pool I already have an idea of how it’s going to be made.  It’s the Castle I’m worried about.  But supply shopping will soon commence at the Walmart and Micheals.

It’s due May 7, so I have a good month to do this….ahem..I mean THE BOY has a good month to do his project…

Weight

I’m still, miraculously, losing weight.  There are ups and downs.  I got on the scale one week and gained 8 lbs, then got on it again the next week and lost the 8 and a few more.  So it’s hard to gauge what will happen but it doesn’t matter.  As long as I can still run on that treadmill, breathe when going up stairs and fit into a size 8.

And that I NEVER see that scale tell me 245 lbs ever again.

I have not visited the clinic nor got an injection for a month now.  I’ve also been completely off the appetite suppressants.  However, I may return to the clinic and pay off the last $200 for another 10 weeks soon.  After, that 10 weeks, if I’m diligent, that should be it for me on losing the initial weight.  Then it’s maintenance from here until I die.  So I will continue to remain 95% carb free, for the rest of my life.  I will constantly monitor portions and make better choices.  I will forever keep my exercise level high.

LilySlim - (hgaY)

But as of this date, I have lost a total of 71 lbs. That is more than what The Boy weighs!  And, I’m not longer in the “Obese” section of the BMI charts. I’m simply “overweight” now…..

So apparently a size 6/8 and looking like this….is overweight.  But hey, at least I’m not “Obese” anymore!

Yeah...I hate selfies...ugh...

Yeah…I hate selfies…ugh…

Family

Well surprise surprise!!..…a family member has officially been cut off and guess what.…IT ISN’T ME!

In the past it would have been me considering some of the crap I’ve pulled.  But it isn’t, (BTW, the relationship between myself and my mother is GREATLY improved.  She still sometimes says things that I have to roll my eyes at but I’m able to do just that and it’s all good).

My aunt, my mother’s sister, is officially cut off, monetarily and emotionally, with anything to do with myself, my sister and our mother and father.  There will no longer be any interaction between us and her.  If she has the gall to call my mother up on the future asking for money or whatever, my mother has been instructed by myself and my sister that she is to not answer the phone, lest she desires to feels our wrath.

Believe me when I say that this decision was tossed around a lot and has lots of merit behind it.  My aunt has burned her last bridge with these latest shenanigans she pulled.

My mother’s other sister, has also cut their sister off in the capacity listed above.  I am actually not going to go into detail because, even though it included a possible legal battle and my aunt just being a manipulator and pathological liar, it is very convoluted and honestly, to embarrassing to even admit here.Who opened the closet

I know one thing is for sure regarding my family.  I am REALLY sick and tired of new “skeletons” that keep coming out of our family closet every so often.  With this new debacle, even more skeletons have come out and honestly, I don’t know who or WHAT to believe anymore.

I’m just glad that my son isn’t near some of the “skeletons” and I just want to be done with it all.

I so desire to shake my family tree of all its skeletons and bury their bones forever.

Divorce

Life will always continue to surprise me and people surprising me is no exception.  As my aunt has surprised us all by betraying the family, my ex-husband surprised me to the point of humility.

Wait…does anyone know what temperature it is in HELL!?

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So, back in December, I decided I needed to go back to court to get the ex to pay a bit more child support only because, according to our current incomes, he should be paying about $400 more a month.  So I got that started, got my previous attorney to work on it and got it filed.  Earlier this week, my attorney tells me that my ex got his own lawyer and wants to negotiate….ugh.

I think the worst. I mean what is there to negotiate?! If he thinks he can weasel back into The Boy’s life after 8 years of nothing just so he can pay less in child support….screw that!  I know that is the worst possible scenario, but that is where my mind went and, apparently, it didn’t need to.

Long story short, I spoke with my ex yesterday and he agrees to all that I have requested, which is the higher monthly child support payment and the $600 he owes me from a washing machine we bought back when we were married that he was ordered to pay and never did.

I think my jaw literally fell to the floor.

Am I being tricked?

Is he lying?

Did I land in Bizzarro World?!?!

thCAXRXCNO

Well, no I don’t believe he is lying.  I think he knows that if it goes to court, a judge would “hand him his ass on a platter” as a new friend of mine so poetically and precisely put it.  I would assume, he is just laying down the sword and realizing his defeat.

I know that gloating and pride are not qualities that God promotes and being a women of faith I would rather not gloat but I have to say that for the first time in 10 years, I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted off me and that this particular fight is just about over and I may have won.  Now, I won’t be so naïve as to think that something else might not come up as life has many plot twists but my ex only has 8 more years to be obligated to pay child support and I believe that this issue of an increase might come up one more time before the 8 years are up, but until then, I am the victor.

thCAEA2VEI

So that ended rather amicably and a HUGE weight has been lifted off me because this Boy is getting SUPER expensive what with torn jeans every few weeks, new shoes every month and hockey gear…I barely have money to get myself $1.99 Suave shampoo!

Miscellaneous

  • I miss Disneyland visits so much.  I don’t see a renewal of a pass anytime in the future.
  • The Walking Dead, Season 4 is over…and if you don’t know what I’m talking about, that’s ok.  If you do and haven’t seen it…don’t get mad at me when I say I would turn into EXACTLY  the same kind of person Rick has turned into.  And yes, I would have ripped that guys throat out with my teeth…if he was attacking my kid and double yes, I would have stabbed my kid’s would be attacker 50 million times.  Rick did exactly what I would have done, to protect my child.
  • New Season of Game of Thrones starts Sunday!
  • So! Who is taking me to go see Captain America! The Boy doesn’t want to see it but I do! Who’s coming with me?!?!

SHOUT OUT!

Lastly, I would like to give a shout out and I hope that this person doesn’t mind me giving him a shout out.

At one point in my life, just after losing my best friend, I honestly thought that God did not intend for me to develop any kinds of friendships.  I couldn’t find anyone that matched the connection that she and I had.  I believe that we were soul mates but not in the romantic sense.  More in a sisterly bond sense, yet we shared not one drop of blood.

However, along the way I have run into some truly fascinating people who are genuine, kind and willing to make a connection.  Some have stuck around in my life (cue in a wonderful couple who live up north who I think are the best EVER! And yes, I will give Elder Scrolls a chance).  But for the most part, it’s been a lonely life that I have built many walls around.  So, to make a new friend is a huge positive for me.

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I would just like to tell this person, and you know who you are, thank you SOOO much for giving me a chance, being patient and breaking down the walls I’ve built up around me.  I know that as individuals, we run into many people on a daily basis, not knowing anything about them.  We affect them by our actions and you have affected me tremendously.  You are the positive friendship that my little weak faith needed, in God and in people.

Thank you so much for listening to me this past week.  You have NO idea how just being able to get things off my chest has helped me.  I greatly appreciate all the effort you’ve put into getting to know me.  You are a truly blessed person and the friendship we are building is important to me.

And with that, until the next time, that is all for now.

thCABOMA63

And THIS is why I don’t trust humans….

I was out of WP for a while but have slowly returned.  At one point many months back, I posted for BlackBox Warnings.

I have just found Calamity Rae and her post about Le Clown who was well known and held high in the WordPress community, has been featured on Freshly Pressed and interviewed by WP themselves.

After reading ALL the stories and seeing many come out of the woodworks with similar stories as Calamity’s, it turns out this person was a phony, a predator and an all around horrible sexual creep.

At first, I thought it safe to assume this person was just someone who says what they want and didn’t know where humor can turn into harassment.  Usually I ignore those types of people.  But if you go to read Calamity Rae’s account, it is disturbing.  Not only was he not who he says he was but he was targeting and harassing many.  I had a few email interacts with Le Clown when I had my BBW post published but I never conversed with him more than talking about my post, when I will have it done and such.  I never saw the need to have interaction past that.

What really boils me is when he begs Calamity, “oh please don’t out me, think of my family….”….think of your FAMILY…why? YOU certainly weren’t thinking of them.  As much as it’s awful there has to be collateral damage involved, this is what happens when one makes certain choices.  There are consequences and those consequences will not only affect you but those around you.  This is why I am always saying “think before you speak/act”.

What frightens me the most is that I posted in BBW and now, that post and the whole BBW, is gone or at least not visible to me anymore.  It was about my relationship with my mother which, since then, has actually improved tremendously.  I think it was selfish of him (on top of his other abhorring qualities) to shut us all out of our entries in the BBW, if that is what happened.  If there is a way to see our posts in the BBW then I would like to know.

It is just situations like this that make me shun the human race.  No one on this PLANET can be trusted!

I’m really just so sick and tired of people like Le Clown and the control that they continue have.  My grandfather had it over my mother, my sister, even myself at some point and just about every other woman in our family.  Even 1 ½ years after his death, he still has the hold on us, through situations that snowballed because of his actions and rolled over even after his death.  Hence, he still controls us from the friggin grave!  There are emotions and feelings that will never mend even if he died 1000 deaths.

I’m sick and tired of humans who want to control and manipulate then laugh as they turn your soul into a sniveling pile of dung goo.  Some people rise from it, as I believe Calamity and many others who have spoken out have, but some people drag themselves further into the abyss of control and usually take others with them.

And this is why, I will never love again.  It is to risky to trust someone who is probably living another online life anyway.

And that’s a wrap…Around the neck of online dating

Yup, it most certainly is.

I did my one month on Christian Mingle and have come to find that so called “Christian” men can be more arrogant, conceded and selfish than non-Christian men.  But I kind of knew that already.

In the one month this is what happened:

dude_clrsGuy #1 – Ghetto….so ghetto.  I don’t say that as a snob because I don’t want to be that way at all but a simple criteria I have is that you don’t talk like you are from the gangs of L.A.  Besides that, it sounds really un-intelligent to be calling me “dude” every other sentence.  First, I’m not a guy and second, it’s disrespectful.  That is how I roll.  Also, sarcasm at its max, is a BIG turn off for me.  Don’t get me wrong, I can deal with a sense of humor but to be correcting me all the time and being annoyingly sarcastic tells me, again, you have little respect for me and never will develop such respect.  So to Guy# 1, good luck finding that meek woman who will cower to your arrogance because you won’t see me cowering to anyone.

Guy #2 – This one I actually met after talking on the phone and that was where it ended.  I thought the meeting went well but apparently, I had my Quasimodo face on.  So much so that after a week of nothing, I get a text saying I wasn’t his “ideal”, although he thought I “spoke well”, whatever the heck that means.  I can only assume it meant I had brains but not the looks?  You take a guess.  So, to Guy #2, I’m not going to apologize for not being your “ideal”.  In fact, I’m glad I’m not your ideal because that just proves, again, that I won’t step down to accommodate arrogance, which you personify.

my_miniature_pinscher_ate_my_homework_binder-rdf898856dfee48e0abf8e2c24ceb362b_xz8dx_8byvr_512Guy #3 – I thought this one was actually going somewhere after a conversation on the phone.  I will admit, he was a sssllllloooowwww talker, meaning, he drolled on without wondering if I was interested and the words were slow to come out but I liked his conversation so I looked that over.  Then, there was nothing.  By that, I mean, there were no texts or calls, just nothing after that.  I even invited him to a Reign game which he gladly accepted.  However, I never heard from him after that.  I finally had to text him and ask if he was still interested in going to the game and he texted back saying his mother was in the hospital, or something like that.  Convenient.  I know, I’m passing a bit of judgment there, but really?  All the sudden it’s the “my grandma died and that’s why I need to leave school” line?  He was deleted from my phone.  So to Guy #3, next time, maybe you can try the “my dog ate your phone number” excuse? That would be more creative.

shutterstock_61996951Guy #4 – This one actually didn’t get past a message on the website.  I really liked his profile and I messaged him, despite the fact his profile said he “prefers” taller women.  I figured prefer doesn’t mean a must. Besides, I’m 5’4”, the average female height.  I got a message back from him stating “sorry, height is a must.  I just want a woman to at least reach my sternum”.  I didn’t even know what a sternum was and had to look it up but his attitude reeked of arrogance.  Also, his whole profile was all about “I like real woman who are Godly, women who like to laugh and enjoy life”….yada yada yada.  He should have added “but I really don’t care about all of that unless you are precisely the height that my arrogant and selfish personality requests.  OH and you will also cook, clean, have my babies and do my every  wish and command.”  Yeah, that would have been more realistic for him.  So to Guy #4, make sure that when you find that women who at least reaches your sternum that she is “God fearing” as well because all us Christians know that Jesus was all about being selfish and making sure YOU get what YOU want. Sheesh…

1334607965991_8985256Lastly, Guy #5 – Hmmm…this one.  We exchanged a few messages on the site and then I gave him my email.  He seemed down to earth, nothing really arrogant about him.  He has a good job, one son who plays baseball but he seems busy.  I know we are all busy but I believe that is one of the problems with all this.  Everyone is so sucked into their jobs, careers, kids, whatever, that there is no time to meet new people.  Anyway, we had a good but short texting conversation but then …nothing.  I figured my Quasimodo was showing again and this time through my texts so I deleted HIM from my phone since I figured he wasn’t interested after not responding for a few days.  I just got a text saying “Good Morning, Have a Good Day”.  I think it was from this guy but, I deleted it because technically, I had no idea who the number was.  So, Guy #5, you probably could have been a potential but I really just don’t have time for games.  If you want to get to know someone, show some friggin interest.  It takes 10 seconds to send a text.

And that is the end of that.  My subscription expired and I will not be renewing.  Men out there are ridiculous, just ridiculous.  I don’t need to continue on that site to see that it is just as hopeless as the other sites, if not worse because I’ve come to find so called “God Fearing” men are on such a high horse, they think they are actually the right hand of God and I most certainly don’t want to be associated or near THAT person when he comes before God to be told he wasn’t the right hand of anything.  The arrogance runs rampant among them.

MV5BMTY0Mjg5MjY5Nl5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwMDU4MjkxMDE@__V1_SX640_SY720_Can someone please just tell Benedict Cumberbatch  that I’m ready for his marriage proposal and will proudly be the mother of his children!?  Apparently, that is all he wants in life when asked about where he wants to be in his future.  I have no clue whether Mr. Cumberbatch is a Christian or not but he seems to be more of a gentleman and all around decent man than any other man I’ve run into in my past, ever.  I’m still flabbergasted that man has not found a good wife.  But he’s been known to say…and I quote “I’ve been broody since I was 12, but I can’t just get anyone pregnant, it has got to be the right person. To find the right person? Oh well, there’s always a way isn’t there –and I don’t mean the internet. I mean there are always moments and meetings and chance encounters. But to make meaningful relationships is very hard at the moment.“

If someone like Benedict, who is all about being gorgeous and being a gentleman, has trouble, I give up…..sorta.

But on the flip side…last night I caught Killer Clowns from Outer Space and the inner geek in me squee’d.  I certainly don’t need a man to a) lose 60 lbs and gain my confidence back and b) enjoy a great Horror Cheese and Crackers 80’s movie like Killer Clowns!

I just don’t get it…

I believe that when my mother gets me things that I don’t or can’t use it is just some sort of joke now.

I’ve mentioned before that my mom tends to gift me the strangest things.  Things I would never use or things I would think as my mother she would know me enough to know that I don’t even like.

This Christmas was no different.  For my birthday on December 2nd she got me boots that are not even my style or a style I’ve ever worn.  Luckily,  I was able to take them back for store credit and got boots more my style.

But the huge box I opened yesterday had me firmly convinced that this woman, doesn’t know me, her own daughter, or just doesn’t even care to.

I opened the huge box to this…
image

I….don’t….drink….soda…

While I honestly think it’s a very neat product, as a non- soda or carbonated drinker, I would have zero use for it.  I mean, I do have my occassional Coke Zero every once in a while but I have no idea why she would think that I drink enough soda to warrant a machine to make it.  I drink water.  And she KNOWS that!  (I’m sorry but it really infuriates me that my mother doesn’t know me at all).

Then, the fact that she gave my sister the exact same thing and she IS a soda drinker and was ecstatic shows me, yet again, how not only my mother doesn’t care to know anything about me but will shove in my face how I’m the daughter she doesn’t care to know anything about.

I went online to guess on the cost of the set she gave me and let’s just put it this way.  She got me something I’ll never use for the same price it would have cost to get me a decent Disney Annual Pass, a gift that would have meant something to me.  So it wasn’t lack of money that caused this and I KNOW she isn’t clueless as to my sadness over not having my Disney Pass.

I’m honestly not trying to complain about a Christmas gift because I’m a spoiled brat.  She did get me some nice comfy pajamas (finally in the right size to, she forgets I’m 10 sizes smaller now than last Christmas) I just am so tired of no one caring enough about me to not even try to know what I like.  Not even my family cares to do that.  It really is hurtful.

And I try my best to listen and understand what people want.  My mother said she’s always cold in her house so I got her a nice fluffy and furry blanket.  I know my sister said she likes Bath & Body Works so I got her one of the more expensive bath sets.  Even my dad said he never got to see The Lone Ranger so I got him the BluRay.

But what fascinates me the most about this phenomenon is that people who are practically strangers (for example co-workers I’ve known for a short time) gift to me perfectly.  The attorney I work for got me L.A. Kings tickets.  He took the time to know we go to Ontario Reign hockey games and that my plays hockey.  An attorney I worked for two Christmas ago got me a cute Eeyore ornamant and Sally bottle and Eeyore Plushie.  He knew me all of 6 months and gifted me perfectly.

Anyway, it really depressed me how not one person on this planet cares about me enough to know what I like, to understand me.  I guess I’ll be putting that Soda making thing up on Craigslist soon enough.  Better to get some money out of it that have it sit in my cabinet, unused.

I wanted to add that I’m not really mad at her.  I just find this such an interesting occurrence between us.  And I have to just keep remembering that it was she and my dad that took out $2000 to give me to pay my divorce attorney so that I can take my ex-husband back to court.  She shows her support in other ways.  They are just not as endearing as how she shows my sister.

Or I’m just being a spoiled brat.  I am super tired, no exhausted, today and at work and bloated and crampy and scared out of my mind that I’ve eaten to much over the holidays and that I am gaining weight because I haven’t had time to work out.  I’m on the edge right now anyway.

I have to be honest with myself

I have had the weekend to think over this situation and to make my final analysis of it.  I’ve given the scenario to persons that are both personally biased (my mother and sister) and personally un-biased (my co-worker and my sister’s friend) and all of them have come to the same conclusion.

WTF!

While I sat in Church on Sunday I realized, once again, that everything being said, all the points being made, were relating to me or so I wanted them to be.  It was based on Titus and what Christians should do while waiting for Jesus to return.  The main points were that we should continue to bring as many as we can to Christ THROUGH our works and the way we live our lives.  And by that, I do not mean Bible Beating…if anyone has read my blog enough they will know that, yes, I am a Christian and believe in God, yes I am also human and will get mad at God sometimes only to realize that it was I who needed to change my perspective, but most certainly, NO I will not bible beat you with my beliefs to get you to understand.

This made me think. “The way we live our lives”.  I know after my long history with religion (Not GOD, but RELIGION. Remember God and religion are NOT one and the same), I’ve come to be VERY intolerant of those who say “I go to church and I am a Christian” yet live such questionable lives.

It’s a very slippery slope for my own walk.  I most certainly do not want to come off judgmental because Lord knows I’m no Angel myself.  I also don’t want to come off that I think I’m a better “Christian” than any other Christian.  Yet, the Bible tells us to act as disciples of Christ IN OUR DAILY LIFE (2 Peter 1:5) and I know I try to do that by resisting temptation and such but when someone says “I go to church” and then thinks it’s ok to be in a committed relationship yet have women on the side, whether to “play” with or just be friends with, I want to rescue them.

However, I have chosen to run from it.  Our light shines through OUR ACTIONS.  I hope that my action of stating to him I do not condone that behavior nor do I want to have my impressionable son think that it is ok to behave that way or that I condone that behavior by remaining his friend.  I would like to show this man the error of his ways in proclaiming he is a Christian yet not living as we are told in the Bible to live, as Christians. (Again, not wanting to be judgmental as I struggle daily with being human and making mistakes).

My decision was not to confront him but to let that action speak for itself and it’s in God’s hands now.

I had hoped that my action of being the first female to not accept being a “friend” to someone who is in a committed relationship, shines as a light and not as a Bitch.  He did ignore me completely this morning and that is actually totally fine as I was going to cut off interactions with him.  However, I had hoped that maybe he would have said “Wow, no woman I’ve run into has ever made the move she did…I wonder what she is about and what makes her think like that”.  I say that not because I want to BE in a relationship with him because regardless, I never could.  I would just want him to see maybe why he may be having so much trouble in his current life with his kids’ mother, and with the school calling CPS on him and the problems that his daughter has.  The correlation between his current life struggles and his current life choices are astounding when you step back and look at it.

Doesn’t respect his committed relationship—> Gets CPS called on him by teachers from the school

Just “warming” a seat in a church —> Problems with kids and ex-wife (both mentally and emotionally)

Now, this thinking does not EVER imply that I don’t have my share of problems due to whatever reason, but I have found that when I keep myself on the right path and resist temptation, suddenly, money is in my bank account or my kid gets a good grade on a test in school.

However, when I start to give in to temptation and stray, suddenly my account goes into the minus and my kid falters in his schoolwork. These are just examples.

Another amazing personal example is my weight loss.  I have been on the yo-yo since I can remember but this is the FIRST time I’ve actually been able to lose weight, on my own (no Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers) and have not gained it ALL back yet.  Usually by this time in the weight loss game (I’m at 5 months on October 4th), I would have given up and gained it all back plus more.  Not only is that NOT happening but the weight keeps coming off.  Why is that? Because I decided that it wasn’t for looks or to catch the eye of someone (although that does come with the territory).  It was mainly because my body is a Temple and in ALL the walks in our life we should respect God.  That includes food and drink and what we put into our bodies.  I’m sure gluttony was not a favorite thing for God to see me doing.

I also quit smoking to, even if I did only smoke occassionally.

So what is it that I have to be honest with myself about, as the title suggests?  After all, I am a Sagittarius and as such, I must remain honest.  Ha!

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Well, that is simply this:

I really don’t think a relationship is just in the cards for me at this time or even in the near future.  I just can’t stomach putting The Boy through a possible unsuccessful relationship after he may have developed his own relationship with the man.

I also can’t stomach the possible dangers I put The Boy in by not knowing a person and not knowing what he’s like.  I had been interacting with this last person on and off, daily through random “hello’s” and “how are you’s” at the kids’ school and such since the summer time.  Yet, he was as deceitful as ever.

A Facebook friend (also a male), when I posted this story on my FB, asked me not to judge all men based on a couple of assholes and I responded that I won’t.

However, I am just kidding myself with that response.  As much as I really REALLY don’t want to, by default, I will.  Maybe I won’t JUDGE, in the sense of the word, but I will damn sure be very caution of any male that comes along and that may result in me pushing them all away for any little reason.  I’m just being honest with myself.

thCANKBF1KOf course, I am a bit shaded after all this.  After 10 YEARS of no dating or being in a relationship, since my divorce,  I step out of my box and this happens.  I let one wall down and after all this, 5 more walls came right up in its place and that is probably how it’s going to be for the next 10 years.  I can’t put not only my heart at risk, but my kids’ to.

So, my conclusion is that I will not be pursuing men anymore.  My lack of trust in them is way to deep right now.  Yet, my lack of trust for humans in general is the main culprit.  I’m just going to concentrate on getting my kid to adulthood and continuing to get myself into better health.

That is it and that is all.

“Oh, I thought I mentioned her…”

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Yes, yes it is….

The guy has a girlfriend.

He said it yesterday afternoon while we were in the parking lot to pick up the kids.  I had just invited him and his kids to dinner at Hometown Buffet stating I planned to be there just after picking up The Boy.

In regards to my invitation, which, by the way, was strictly to HIM and his 2 kids, as my text to him said “Would YOU and the kids like to join The Boy and I for dinner at Hometown Buffet?”………He responds with “S. isn’t around until 6:45“.

Who the fuck is S.??” is instantly what I THINK.  However, being that I can’t react that way and must stay cool, calm and collected, I ask, “Who is S.?

He says, “S. is my girlfriend. I thought I mentioned I had a girlfriend“.

Uh, NO motherfucker! You never mentioned a girlfriend!  What you DID mention was that you had an EX-girlfriend.  WTF!!!!!”, is what I THOUGHT, however, keeping in that cool, calm and collected mode, what I say is “Oh, okay“.  Apparently, S. is not the ex-girlfriend I remember him mentioning.

Little does he know, his number lasted no longer than 2 days in my phone and all interaction, even the parking lot meetings at the kid’s after care, will soon cease and desist.

MjAxMy1lNDNjZmUyYmEzNjFhZGZl_52322339627d7_rcI’m actually surprised at my initial reaction to this, even after having some time to let it sink in.  My heart didn’t sink to my stomach as it normally would have in the past.  I waited for that sinking feeling, it never came.  I actually laughed inside.  I laughed inside because he thought he could actually play this game with me.  He thought he could request my number, answer my “get to know you” questions and even ask some of his own and then just randomly say, “oh yeah, I have a girlfriend but HEY we can totally keep flirting with each other and get together with the kids and please keep inviting me places….I LOVE having my cake and eating it to!”

And please don’t anyone try and tell me he didn’t know what he was doing or he didn’t know I was interested….he knew, believe me, he knew.  I don’t really care whether he was being innocent, naive or just plain stupid.  He knew EXACTLY the game he was playing.  And the only reason the girlfriend probably even came up again was because she was probably due to be there pretty soon.  Can’t cover up someone who is standing right there!

He claims that this girlfriend information has come out in one of our conversations.  I would have remembered that because I would not have pursued him any further nor offered him the Motocross tickets.  Backed into a corner much there, Buddy?

So, I laid it out for him because I’m not one to tip toe around the fucking elephant in the room.

I said “Look, I don’t want to step on toes. If you have a girlfriend, I don’t want to make you, nor her, uncomfortable by inviting you places.”  This statement was actually totally true.  I, personally, don’t think that a man who is in a committed relationship should, in ANY way, be accepting event tickets from other women AND going with those woman to the event, without his girlfriend.  Call me old fashioned but I have no respect for that.

He replies, “She understands that I mostly have women friends. I have to flirt a lot in Renaissance Faire booth to sell my stuff.”  Yeah, if your girlfriend accepts this behavior of yours, as you claim, I wonder about her own respect for herself.

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Yeah buddy, you aren’t helping your cause much here. You may need a bigger shovel to continue digging your own grave there.

At that point, I just wanted to run in disgust.  He was one of THOSE men.  Blegh….

I excused myself with some excuse about needing to go eat and being hungry and said my goodbyes.  I turned to get in my car and a face looked at me that made this all sink in suddenly.

I saw my boy, sitting in the car, waiting.  He had been behind me and encouraging me about all this for the last few weeks.  He liked this guy but I think it’s only because he was just that, another guy.  He was disappointed and that is when I started to hurt, but hurt for my boy.

However, The Boy and I moved on.  We had a great dinner together and even had a few laughs over this whole debacle and I still waited for the sad, depression, feelings followed by hours of blubbering, about all this, to hit.  They never did.

Instead, after dinner, I went down to the gym and I pummeled the treadmill.  I ran like it meant each step would stomp his head in.  I talked with God, thanking Him for keeping me on my toes.  Ha ha, great test run, God.  Let’s move on now?

I didn’t cry, I didn’t even want to.  I just wanted to run and listen to my music….and run.  The only thing crying for me was my fat, because……..

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After my workout, I said to The Boy that it was time to get our Halloween lights up.  That is exactly what we did and they turned out pretty good!  This is the first year we are in an upstairs unit so the railing on the balcony is going to be put to good use.

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Halloween is here! (actual photo of my balcony)

And there you have it.  It was the saga of the man who thinks he can have his cake and flirt with it to.

Unbelievable, which is something I kept saying all throughout my Hometown Buffet dinner.  So much so, that The Boy and I started to make a joke out of it.  But as it states above, I’m not just a little piece of cake…I’m the whole damned buffet AND dessert line, Bitch!  And there is NO way I’m giving HIM a referral to my apartment complex….he had the actual nerve to ask for one.  Good Lord……

So yeah, thanks God, for showing me what I’m missing.  Now, moving on!
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God gave me an answer…

I know that recently, I shook my fists, per say, in the face of God.  I hoped He understood that I was frustrated and confused.  I didn’t understand how my loyalty to myself and to Him through myself was not being rewarded.

He answered….with Love, as is His way.  I returned that answer with a visit to Church on Sunday to give Him thanks for His forgiveness and for not leaving my side.

I will not go into to much detail as to my Saturday evening with him but I will say, it was positive.  There was good conversation and the event we were at was family friendly, (my kid was there as was his father who he brought with one of the two tickets I gave him) and the environment allowed for casual interaction.  No pressure at all.  The suite we were in has 12 seats plus 4 bar seats, one of the bar seats I was in.  Out of 15 seats to choose from he chose to sit RIGHT next to me at a bar seat.  That was a plus for me!  Also, he got me a margarita and said he found the VIP lounge, something that our suite tickets have access to.  So he said next time we go to an event we should try and be kid free and hit the VIP lounge.  Uh…yes please!!

Overall, the evening, I believe, leaned very much towards the positive side of the spectrum.  He was very receptive to my questions regarding his past and he had enough interest in my side of the conversation.  We had a few laughs and cracked some jokes with each other.

I spent hours on beautifying myself before going.  I straightened my hair so it was like long black silk.  I put my glasses away and did the contacts (dealing with the itchy eyes) and put on makeup.  I looked like a really beauty as I did not have multiple chins and my skin was like white porcelain since my face has been smoothing and clearing up since eliminating greasy foods from my diet.  For the first time in my life, I looked in the mirror after I was all done with face, hair and putting the outfit together and I said to myself “wow….just wow…”.

It was an amazing feeling.  However, to top off that amazing feeling was the feeling I felt after I saw his eyes, staring at me when he saw me.  Usually, he sees me at the parking lot of the kids’ school, with glasses and frazzled from a crazy day at work.  He stared for quite some time.  Maybe I was reading into it to much.  Honestly, I don’t care because regardless, it felt phenomenal.

For me, it’s all about the children.  Whether this grows into something or not, those kids are super adorable and they deserve to have positive interactions as much as possible in their lives.  Since having my own child and interacting with other children, I’ve learned to embrace their innocence and sometimes just laugh at their reactions to certain situations, no matter how ridiculous or frustrating those reactions can be.

I would be tickled pink to get to know his children more, especially the girl.  Being a single mother to a boy has allowed for a lot of my “girly” nature (something of which I barely had to begin with) to pretty much disappear.  Their mother, his ex-wife, according to him, is an addict and all around not good person.  From what information he volunteered to tell me, she is on the way out of the kids’ lives soon enough.  She is the lowest of the low to abandon her children and has a warm seat in hell, next to my ex-husband who abandoned his son.  So when she is with the kids she is not a mother to her daughter as a mother should be.  They don’t do their hair or dress up pretty.  According to him, their mother is actually a gross person who doesn’t shower…..no joke, that is what he said!  I just didn’t understand how any woman in their right mind could let themselves go far enough to not showering when they had a husband like him.  Granted, I don’t know anything about him personally but on the surface, he is a good looking gentlemanly guy.

So sad for the children.

I was a bit discouraged that phone numbers weren’t exchanged at the end of the evening, especially after discussing getting his kids and my Boy together for outings, but all in all, still very positive vibes were felt.  I have a problem with impatience.  When I want something I want it NOW.  I must tell myself to be patient or I may chase him away.

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Anyway, it was very positive.  I am taking The Boy to see Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2 this weekend or possibly go bowling and I’m considering inviting him and his kids to come with us.  So, hopefully, phone numbers get exchanged soon (I still see him regularly at the kids’ school when we pick them up) so we can get the kids together.

However, my sister advises that, since I offered the event tickets to him for Saturday, that was my turn and now, the ball is in HIS court and I should wait for HIM to ask for my number.

What do you all think?!?!?

NOTHING tastes as good as this feels….

I swear, in all my years, I thought I could never get over the fact that I could eat a whole chocolate cake by myself.  It was like there was nothing better than the taste of food and sweets.

I have found what is better.  This feeling, is far better than any chocolate.  This feeling is far better than any cheeseburger.  By “this” I mean my Mojo.

I had mentioned before about the single father of a girl in The Boy’s class.  We drop the kids off at the same time just about every morning and sometimes we pick them up at the same time in the afternoon.

Since school started in the 1st week in August, we have just been parental ships passing by each other just about every day.  I noticed no ring on his finger and never saw a woman dropping the kids off.  His daughter is in The Boy’s class and I found out from him that she has no mother living with them and lives only with her dad and younger brother.

Doesn’t THAT sound very familiar? It was then, I started giving him a “Good Morning” along with some smiles.  It was also then that I stopped putting my hair in a “librarian” bun on the top of my head every day and makeup, started appearing on my face.  All the while, I’m dropping more and more weight, yet gaining more and more Mojo.

(As a side note, I would like to remind all that I have not dated (seriously) nor been in a relationship since my divorce 9 years ago.  So in essence, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.)

piglet-1Moving on, yesterday, I found us at the sign in book, together.  He was waiting for me to sign The Boy out.  He hands me a pen and I say “thanks” (almost inaudibly) and never really make eye contact.  It was then I realized that my shyness could seriously come off as snobbery which is FAR from what I am like at all.  I’m just shyer than Piglet in his own movie!

This must change.

Last night, I told myself that if he happens to be there when I drop off The Boy the next morning, I would make a point to say hello, make eye contact and introduce myself as The Boy’s mother and confirm he is the father of the girl in The Boy’s class.  I would also take it as a sign from God if he happens to be there as sometimes, our paths do not cross on certain mornings.

Thusly, this morning, I got dressed and left at the normal time, got to school to drop The Boy off and noticed as I was pulling into the parking lot, there it was…his white mini van (yes, he drives a mini van).  He is no where to be seen however.  I pull up and park right next to it.

Hmmm……

I get out and look up, there he comes.  Timing couldn’t have been MORE perfect.  We literally cross paths as I’m getting out of my car and he is getting into his.  I do as I promised myself.  I say hello, say that his daughter is in my son’s class.  He asks something of The Boy that I didn’t really hear because I had the sun shining in my eyes and I was trying to commit to making eye contact but avoid the sun burning my eyes out of their sockets.  Now that I think of it, I don’t even think The Boy heard because he never answered him.  Anyway, I smiled, then told him I felt I should at least introduce myself since we’ve been crossing paths just about every day since early August and our children are in the same class.  I gave him my name, he gave me his (with a smile) and we parted as I told him to have a great day.

The best part of this interaction was that he was not rushed to leave my presence.  He was making eye contact and talking and he even interacted with The Boy (a HUGE plus).  If he hadn’t been rushed to get to work, it could have turned into a full fledged conversation, I believe.

Overall, it was a very positive interaction and I’m hoping it opened the gates for more interactions in the future, whether it be small talk in the morning because we are needing to get to work or a bit lengthy on a Friday afternoon when there really isn’t anywhere to get to.

Regardless of whatever outcome happens, the whole thing broke down a few walls that I’ve built around myself.  That is for sure.

However, I know that this will probably lead no where and I wouldn’t be surprised nor disappointed if it didn’t but, it is still good to know that after many years of wallowing in my fat and psychological defeat, I can win my confidence back.  In the very least, this situation has shown me that.

I will continue with the smiles and small talk every day with him as much as I can.  I will continue to run my heart out on the treadmill and lose another 45 pounds.  I will continue to put makeup on daily and putting the great smelling Jasmine leave in conditioner in my hair which makes it look like silk in the wind.

Who knows what the future holds?  But what I do know is that no chocolate cake or cheeseburger EVER tasted as good as the smile on my face driving to work this morning felt.  Regardless of the outcome, that feeling was WINNING!

Also, should I wonder that his name just happens to be one of my favorite names of all time?  I won’t put it here but it starts with a B.

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Hmmm..maybe that little “finger” I gave to God, woke Him up?

Maybe it’s not the weight?

I can’t even get a date with a 400 lb guy from match.com.  Let me explain a bit what I mean by this.

I have just been getting the feeling that maybe it isn’t the weight that was keeping me “unattractive”.  What the weight was doing was forcing me into an early grave.  I was looking at a future with diabetes (runs in the family), and I could barely breath or move quickly.

When I start to think about this I think of the phrase that goes something like this “weight can be lost but you can’t lose ugly.”

Apparently, that is the tagline to my life.

Man A

Referring back to the date with the 400 lb guy.  I will admit, I was desperate for some human interaction that wasn’t with my kid or my family.  So I contacted a guy I had met on match.com about 2 years ago.  When I met him then, there really wasn’t any connection at all but I let it continue and we have been interacting every once in a while over the past two years so it wasn’t really out of the blue that I contacted him.  I just asked if he wanted to go get a drink or something.  He agreed, only to text me the day before that he had to cancel, reason unknown.

Man B

There is a father that I’ve seen every day when I drop off The Boy at school in the morning.  He drops off his daughter, who is also in The Boy’s class, and his son.  We sign the in/out sheet at the same time just about every morning.  He’s dressed in business office attire so I’m making the assumption he works in an office type environment.  I have seen no ring on his finger as just yesterday morning, I was able to get a good look because we both reached for the same pen to sign the in/out sheet (he has some amazing smooth white hands to, I’m a sucker for soft hands).  I’ve also never seen the kids dropped off by a mother/woman.  On the flip side, I know men don’t wear wedding rings much anymore and the mother could work early mornings.a-secret-crush

Still, this man I find SUPER and secretly, attractive.

The reason I mention this man I run into every morning at The Boy’s school is because it made me think.  If I can’t even get a 400 lb short ugly guy who has a part time fast food job and lives with his grandmother (Man A), to go out with me, what makes me think that this man who is good looking and obviously has a job at an office (Man B), or any others in his category, would give me the time of day?

I thought that my body and the fat was the problem but as of lately, that isn’t the problem anymore because I have shaped up rather nicely.  I think it’s my Plain Jane looks.  I have been thinking of trying out different things.  I spend a lot of money on the natural beer based shampoo that does wonders for my hair, along with the conditioner.  I’m making an appointment with the eye doctor in hopes that I can get my eyes used to contacts again (although I’m not hopeful since they itch every time I use them) because I think wearing glasses takes away from my face.  I’m even going to get eye lash extensions because I actually can’t wear makeup (eyeliner, mascara, etc.) which I am also allergic to.  Well, either allergic or it just irritates my eyes so that they water incessantly and I can’t keep the makeup from running all over.

This all just seems like so much work and money.  I have never been one to put a lot of work and money into things like eyelash extensions, hair straighten and the like.  I just wished that I could just drop this weight and be done, but apparently there is more to it.

Now don’t get me wrong.  It’s not like I don’t have the proper hygiene regimen.  I really just don’t like the “foo-foo” aspects of being a women.  I don’t have a closet full of high heels and short skirts nor do I shop at Sephora.

I’m just a Plain Jane and apparently Plain Jane’s don’t get Man B and from how things are going with me, not even Man A (refer above).

It could also be my personality.  I really don’t take much B.S. and sometimes say it like it is but not in a disrespectful way.  Let me create this analogy:

I’m like that mean barking snarling dog that is lying in the middle of a ditch with their leg broken and is being approached by a human.  The dog is in pain and seeing this strange human coming towards them.  The dog is going to bark and snap because the dog doesn’t know that the human is trying to save her.

The human gets a hold of the dog, but not after the dog might have snapped at him, maybe even drew blood.  The human calms the dog with treats, toys, soft scratching behind the ears.  The dog is now calm and the human can attend to the dogs wounds.

The dog heals and is the humans’ most loyal, loving and attached companion, fighting only for the human who never leaves their side.  In return, the human showers love and affection on the dog. Forever and ever and EVER!cute-puppy-pictures-true-love

That is me in a nutshell.

Or maybe that is my fairy tale?

Regardless, it could very well be that many men just simply do not want to get past the first stage of this analogy, the snapping dog.

This is all so sad because I know I have so much to give and I’m dying inside.

I tried….I really did.

I want to have a decent relationship with my sister.  I try to spend time with her and share moments.

This post isn’t about how my sister ruined my last attempt, but, once again, how our mother ruins everything.

I’m at the end of my rope now.

camel2 I have always wanted to keep a relationship going with my mother.  After all, she is my mother and birthed me and if anything keep a relationship going for my kid’s sake because she is still decent with him and he hasn’t seen how she can really be yet.  However,  the last straw has been dropped on the camel and the camel’s back, is broken.

Since, writing the above, not only was the final straw dropped on the camel, but while the camel was down, another was pummelled at him.

First, I tried to make it a day with my sister and I at Disney (California Adventure) this past Friday.  I paid for her $92 ticket to just get into DCA and I wanted her to see the Mad T Party band and take a picture with the White Rabbit DJ as the White Rabbit is her favorite character.

Proof that at least we had a decent few drama free hours:

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Photo is small and grainy because I got it from the Disneyphotopass.com site. They are always super small.

The mistake I made was giving The Boy to my parents for the day.  I only did it because I really didn’t want to hear his whining on how we weren’t doing things he wanted to happen, but now that I think back, he really isn’t that way.

I should have just brought him with us.

Around 5pm (we had arrived at 12:30 and I paid a full day $92 ticket for my sister to get in), I get a text from our mother saying my father is in the ER with possible Kidney pains.  My phone gets no signal in ride lines which tend to go into buildings and under ground. But basically, she was wanting us to cut it short and leave.

Uh..I paid 92 fucking dollars to get my sister into the park, only to stay there for about 4 hours and not even see the show she wanted to?  But beyond that…our mother can’t even allow us to have one afternoon together, as sisters.  Believe me, she could have handled our father on her own.  What she didn’t want was my kid.

I ignored my mother’s text, as did my sister.  Cruel? Maybe but we both knew, without speaking a word to each other, this was our mother’s drama at it’s best.

An hour passes, I get a text that she called her sister to pick up The Boy and my aunt was more than happy to do it.  Well look at that, she actually figured it out.  The Boy and my aunt were fine with this situation and my mother was just being a drama queen yet again.

We leave around 9:30 to go pick up The Boy from my Aunt’s house, I’m driving and this is when I get bamboozled.

I believe it happened like this,  in bullet points because I really don’t know how it happened.

  • I’m driving, my sister calls our mother to inform her we are on our way to pick up The Boy and she keeps asking my sister where we are, what exit on the freeway and when we left.  What’s it to her! She needs to take care of our father and stop controlling everything.
  • Our mother insists that they are done (BTW, my father did end up with a Kidney stone and all my mother could care about was pestering us for the next 3 hours)
  • My sister, in her oh so “I don’t put up with this shit” way, tells our mother that she needs to slow her damn roll, get OUR FATHER his medications and get him home because he needed rest. (selfish much dear mother?)
  • Our mother then starts talking to me, I’m driving and on speaker phone. She asks what I’m doing tomorrow and I try to vaguely say I’m going clothes shopping for The Boy the next day.  Before I knew it, she invited herself and then that was that.
  • I was livid because I paid for this day with my sister, I had it cut short and interrupted and couldn’t enjoy the last few hours and now this woman is INVITING herself clothes shopping and I know why…because she wants to control what clothes I buy for the Boy. Oh yes she does.
  • Boy gets picked and once again, we are asked why we didn’t call her to tell her we had picked him up.  Because the last time I checked my sister and I WEREN’T FUCKING 15 YEARS OLD!

(it kinda makes me laugh but the day before, my sister and I took The Boy to Universal Studios. When my mother found out, first thing she said was “why didn’t you let us know and why did you bring your father and I”?

WTF?!  First, I’m 36 and don’t need mommy and daddy’s permission to go to an amusement park and 2nd, you guys are not necessarily people I want at someplace like Universal Studios.  My dad tends to get lost and forget where he’s at and my mother just sulks and complains about her knee.  Wet blankets….

But apparently, I’m supposed to let her know when I go anywhere.  Bull.shit)

It must always be about her and how she can control everyone

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Jesus H. Christ……..give me strength….

More bullet points for the next day and the results of me not standing up to that woman:

The next day I prepare myself mentally but I still don’t know how I allowed this to happen. I have a guess though

  • We both go to Kohl’s ready to get a few new things for The Boy.  I have budgeted only maybe 2 new shirts and a pair of shorts. In all honesty, his current clothes are fine, I just wanted to get him something new to wear to school for the first few days.
  • Somewhere between me going to the clearance rack for shirts and the cash register, my mother shows my kid the way to expensive Tony Hawk stuff that I did not budget (about $22 a shirt) and the Vans shorts sections (about $30 a pair).
  • At the end of it all, because she did that and made me look like the meanie mom in public and in front of The Boy when I said I didn’t budget for this many $22 shirts, I was out way over $100.

Fast forward to yesterday…..rent is due…and guess what? I don’t have it.  I call the rental company (actual the company that I work for) and am told that, per their policy, if I don’t have the rent by the 8th, I get a lawyer and sheriff’s knocking on my door and I get evicted.

That was when I had the epiphany.

Epiphany

This is what my mother WANTS!  As I think about it, this theory is manipulation at it’s very best.  She WANTS me to be so broke that I can’t pay my rent and have to be between homelessness and begging her for money or to come back and live with her.  She gets this from her sister, the one up in Washington, who can’t get her act together long enough to not be asking my mother for money all the damned time.

I will not go down this easily.  I’ve fought TO hard and TO long to have to give her ANY satisfaction of a win.

What did I do?  I sat my kid down and explained that his grandmother had NO right to go over my head with the shopping.  I explain that some of his shirts have to be taken back so I can get the money back into my account to pay rent.  He was good with that.  Believe me, even The Boy understands how manipulative his grandmother is.

I know what she was trying to do with the shopping thing.  I’m more mad at myself for allowing myself to be manipulated, once again.  She was just trying to out play me and, because I know her, she was trying to get me into the situation that I was currently in so that she could control me better, especially if I needed money.

That woman’s ultimate goal is to get my sister and I practically homeless so that we come crawling back to her needing a place to stay.

I would slit my wrists before I ever give her that satisfaction.

After I relaxed a bit yesterday, when my apartment was dark and quiet, I thought about what I need to do about this.

I know I’ve said it before but now I’m going to say it again.  To prevent the above from happening, I just can NOT have a relationship with her.  I.just.can’t.  And by I can’t I simply mean “I WON’T!”  I really just don’t have the energy and the patience to constantly be on guard around her because she uses mind tricks like a Jedi to manipulate situations.  This last time, she used my son by making sure she dangled the more expensive items in front of him, knowing that would make it harder for me to deal with and knowing that I was on a budget.

The woman takes on the burden of so many of her ungrateful family, her sisters, her cousins, even her dead (and the most horrible man who ever walked the planet) father still makes an appearance.  Not in the ghost sense but in the now she has to take into her home her elderly step mother as well as take care of her memory loss husband.

The small part of me that still feels sympathy for her is disappearing fast.  She takes all this on because she is controlling like that.  But then she complains that she has “so much to deal with”.  When those words are uttered…that is when my sympathy goes out the door.  She can say no to any of these family members or situations, but she doesn’t.

Oh but she will be EXTRA sure to treat myself and my sister like crap with put down after put down and insult after insult.  We are the only TWO people who have backed her up, helped her out and put up with her shit.

I have let her go forever

I do not like being manipulated and I’m FINALLY glad my sister FINALLY sees, after 30 years of knowing her, how our mother manipulates us.  I’ve been saying it for a while and it is the basis of why I really just want that woman to exit my life.

My sister tends to tell her like it is and if she doesn’t like it, my sister really couldn’t care less.  That is good, when dealing with my mother but my sister tends to be that way with me to so I never go to her for emotional support, ever.  She would tell me to grow a pair and quit whining.  However, she deals with our mother better than I.

Now that school has started, there is no reason for me to ever step foot in my mother’s house.  She does not watch The Boy while I work.  And I am making arrangements to never have to go down that road.  For the most part, the only reason I even see my parents, was because I had to drop off and pick up The Boy.

And now, she is taking in her step mother and father’s widow.  For the most part, I like this old woman.  She makes great cuban dishes and I have nothing against her.  However, she is part of a branch of the cult that we came out of and still practices a lot of it’s old ways.  Hence, no Christmas.  Christmas was something we did at my parents house with the tree and gifts and Glory to God songs playing in the backround while we baked Christmas cookies.  I can pretty much garantee that if my step-grandmother lives there, my mother will not be doing any of these things, once again, choosing others over her daughters and our family traditions. Mark my words, Christmas is no longer in that house.

Fine…my sister and I are making plans to head out to Montana to spend Christmas with our older sister.

Do these plans piss off my mother?  Oh you better believe they do and mostly because, our older sister is not her daughter but our father’s.  Yet, because my mother is the controlling factor between my parents and she knows that she controls my ailing father, my father is not going to be allowed to go with us to visit his own daughter (my older sister) and two other grandkids.

You see where the manipulation starts to turn ugly?

So now, my interaction with that woman will be reduced to the occasional text of “yes we are still alive now leave me alone” and whenever she goes to The Boy’s hockey lesson.  And that is all.

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The account….is closed.

I have a little exercise I would like each and every one of you to do, just for me.

I want you to think about someone you love.  Maybe your husband, maybe your parents or your kids.

Now, think about if they died.  Humor me, and do it…

What do you feel?? You feel sadness, hurt, you maybe want to cry?

I feel nothing when I think of my mother no longer on this earth….just nothing.  When God finally decides to take her away from us, I will feel nothing.  I believe, if I were to feel anything it will be a sense of truly and finally being…..free.

Until then, she is now someone who I will go out of my way to avoid at any costs from here until God takes one of us.  She only has herself to blame.

Aging Parents, graying hair and….London??

I was told some very profound information Sunday evening by my mother than makes me sad, angry and apprehensive all at once.  And once again, in her usual way, she kept it to herself only to pop it on my sister and I suddenly.

I have very little interaction on a regular basis with my parents as of lately.  Mostly because I’m so busy but mostly because I just try to stay away.

alzheimers1

My father is no where near as old as this man. My father is only 62. My boss is older than him as have been many bosses before.

Apparently, for a long time now, she has known that my father was officially diagnosed by his doctor to have pre-Dementia.

Here is why this was VERY disconcerting for me.

I drop The Boy off at their house, during the summer, on Monday’s and Friday’s.  I did know that he and my dad go on bike rides together, without my mother supervising.  I know that they play outside a lot but the bike rides concern me.  I may have to make changes on where I take The Boy on Monday’s and Friday’s.  But it is only for the next few weeks.

Within the past year or two my father had not one, not two, but THREE, albeit minor, fender benders while driving WITH The Boy with them in the car.  This happens because he tends to zone out and forget he’s driving!  Or he’ll back into something that he forgot he saw there and claim he never saw it.

I don’t even know why I let it get to three.  I’m dumb, but I finally I told my mother that he was no longer allowed to drive with The Boy in the car with them.  Hell, if she didn’t mind risking her life because my father kept zoning out while driving and would swerve and drive irradicaly that was her choice.  Mine was to keep The Boy safe.

After a HUGE fight from my father (who was already showing fast signs of forgetting and terrible speech composition), I basically said, “This is what I say, I am The Boy’s mother and as that I don’t CARE that I’m still YOUR daughter, you do what I ask or you don’t get to see your Grandson.”  Maybe not in so many words but they got the point.

My mother now drives when The Boy is with them.

But that was a while ago.  Fast forward to today, I now have other concerns regarding his driving abilities.  My sister and I firmly believe that now, he should not be allowed to drive at all. Period.  For the most part, my mother does drive everywhere, however, with her recent knee surgery she can’t drive as much.  My sister and I have told her that his driving should start to be pulled away from him.

For instance, last week, on Monday, he had a doctor appointment in a city 20 miles away and three different freeways away.  My mother couldn’t drive him and my son was there with them that day.  She let him drive on his own.  She was stressed and worried the whole time.  Thank God, he did return but when she asked him about his appointment, or what the doctor said, he remembered nothing.  She then asked him how the drive was….and his answer?

crickets_chirpingThe man didn’t remember any part of it.  OR he was just being stubborn and didn’t want to answer.  Either way, WTF!  If he really didn’t remember driving at all and was “zoned” out the whole drive, which is what he does when driving, God is the one who drove for him!  I told my mother than if she isn’t up to driving him to call either my sister or I.

And yes, I get very upset at BOTH of them for their lack of foresight and seeing that a scenario like the above could have ended VERY badly.  Worse case, he crashes, kills not only himself but many others, the family of the others decide to come after US and sue us for everything because, we, as the family, KNEW (at least my mother did) he was diagnosed with Dementia and still allowed him to drive because she was to fucking PROUD to call me or my sister for help!  My mother would lose their big 5 bedroom house, my father’s Pension and retirement; even my sister and I could be affected.

Of course that is worse case scenario and I may be over dramatizing it a bit but, that is how I think sometimes.  Let’s just prevent a worse case ANYTHING from the start.

And now, she is slowly recovering from her knee surgery and trying to be mobile again.  She is not 100% and cannot be as alert as she used to be.

When she told me that yes, his doctor has already diagnosed him with pre-dementia, I got a bit angry because I believed that my sister and I had EVERY right to know this.  More myself than anyone because I leave The Boy in their care.

I am not surprised in this least by this news though.  Lately, my father has taken to just sitting on the couch and staring at a wall like he’s trying to remember what he was doing.  He will start projects in the house that he never finishes or even remembers starting.  For instance, he will start re-wiring a tv unit, then leave all the wires and tools about, walk away, and never return because he has forgotten he was in the middle of the project.

The speech has become so much more worse as time as gone on.  He no longer can put two words together.  I want you to say right now “Go Fish”…did you say it?  How hard was that to say?  He can’t put two words as small as that together.  He stumbles and mumbles and stutters words that don’t even sound like what he is trying to say.

What’s worse, he is VERY angry about it all.  God save us if any of us mention that they don’t understand him or ask him why he’s staring at a wall or even if he needs help with anything.  I know my interactions with him are null and void and down to pretty much a “hi” and a “bye”.  Mostly because, I just don’t want to get him frustrated or mad that he can’t communicate but more because it just hurts to see him struggle with the words, even the small ones.

His anger is mostly towards my mother and I’ve never seen it sent towards myself or The Boy (and believe me I ask him).  When he gets angry he will take to just walking out of the house, no matter what the hour is.

Just recently, he got angry because my mother told him in a “I told you so” kind of way that he shouldn’t have wired the tv cable a certain way.  He left the room, and my mother assumed he was getting a tool or something.  After waiting 30 minutes, she begins to worry because he seemed like he was just going down to get tools.  She goes downstairs to find him sitting on the couch, staring at a wall.  She asks what he’s doing, he says “You think I’m stupid”.  blue-door-feet-598005-o-646x363She may have said something else, I don’t know because she is the one telling me this story and he gets mad and walks out of the house, at 1p.m in 105 degree weather wearing long black jeans and a long sleeved black t-shirt (he never wears shorts or anything not black or long sleeved no matter what the weather).  It’s 105 degrees outside.  She said he was gone for hours but finally returned.

This happens a lot and can be in the middle of the night or whenever.  One thing that worries me about this is a) he could forget suddenly where he is if he’s just wandering around the streets or even worse b) a police officer can see him, question him (which would make him flustered and make the slurring speech worse), realize that he’s slurring and mumbling his speech and think he’s either drunk or on something and arrest him and that would get him angry and he would make it worse.  Again, I’m throwing out the worse case scenario but there it is!

I know she is losing her patience to.  She can be cruel sometimes and just eggs him on even if that is a part of her personality.  I’m not surprised at all because she is in a “whoa is me” attitude because she wanted to travel in her golden years and sit by her swimming pool with all her many many grand kids as they play in the water and back yard and all kinds of people come to visit.

She can’t travel as it would throw my father off balance as he doesn’t adapt to new places well.

She has no pool.

She has only 1 grandkid who she barely sees.  And no one visits her.

I know that she is jealous of my sister and I and the freedom we can have.  My sister will be visiting our other sister (from my father’s first marriage) in Montana and the guilt trip she gave my sister was laughable.  Even my sister just rolled her eyes at her and said, “Flight leaves on the 19th, K thx bye!” 

“But out of the ashes comes the Phoenix”

phoenixrising

What I mean is…my sister and I are really getting super close now and that is nice.  She just lost her job of 6 years, 2 weeks ago.  She’s  been helping me out with The Boy a lot so i don’t have to rely on my mother anymore.  She knew she was going to get laid off from her job eventually, she just didn’t know when.  She said when she did she would move and I always told her, I would be right behind her and now, she is SERIOUSLY thinking of moving…..to London!!!

Collage from Wikipedia

Collage from Wikipedia

WTF!

But in all honesty I would be all for it.  I’ve always said that I would up and move anywhere at any time.  It would be such an adventure!

I would do it…

Anyway, in other news, I dyed my hair finally after a few months of greys growing in.  It’s a lovely raven black again and now longer and with the Stout Lush shampoo combined with the cream conditioner the dye package had, it flows like silk in water.  Or so I wish? LOL  But no really it does and I love the black color.  I’ve been black for many many years after trying every color that natural hair comes in.  The blond was the worse.  I looked like a washed out doll.

Tonight….Disneyland for the evening!  And my sister is joining me even though she can’t get in, she can stay in Downtown Disney with The Boy while I get my Tower of Terror fix!

Would you like me to wipe your ass to?

It is court ordered that my ex husband carry my son on his medical insurance.  Therefore, on occasion, I have to get in contact with my ex to either update or get status on The Boy’s insurance policy and coverage.  One of those occasions popped up yesterday.

I get a call from the ex saying that his medical insurance made a big change and that the pediatrician The Boy has been seeing is no longer on the insurance as the medical group the pediatrician is in is no longer on the plan.  He said he called Anthem and they told him he needed my zip code to get a list of doctors in my area that are on the plan.

I tell him why doesn’t he just call Anthem and

1)Ask to make SURE that the current pediatrician isn’t in the plan and if not

2)Just get them to give him the name of a doctor in my area and associated with the local hospital, not one in Los Angeles, where he works.

Wait, why don’t I call Anthem and do all of this on my own?  Well that would be because every time I’ve tried to do just that, I’m asked for information I don’t know, such as my ex’s address (he tends to move a lot and would never give that to me), social security , etc. (it is my ex’s insurance policy) and then I’m told I can’t speak to them because I’m not the policy holder.  I don’t know this information so I can never call to do this when these things come up.

So, he takes my zip code and says he’ll email me a list of doctors. 

The reason why this was very unnerving was because I had an appointment for The Boy with his current pediatrician 2nd week in July for stomach issues.  He constantly has stomach aches after he eats and I want to see if it’s just gas or something else.  If I had taken him to the current pediatrician and not known about the insurance change, I would have been turned away on the spot and caught off guard and bewildered and then pretty ticked off at my ex.

Oh!  When did this change to the insurance take place, you might ask?  Well that would be this past JANUARY!

Oh!  What was that?  You ask why didn’t my ex tell me about it then?  Well that would be because he didn’t care!  The only reason he told me finally yesterday was because he finally had to go to the doctor a week ago and that initiated him having to change his doctors which then initiated needing to contact me for my zip code so that The Boy could get his doctor changed to.

I actually found out from the current pediatrician that I have EVERY right to call Anthem and change the medical group and pediatrician for The Boy.  I told her I couldn’t get past the phone prompts asking for my ex’s information.  So she gives me a number that bypasses all that and I do get into a rep at Anthem (thank you Clarissa at Anthem, you are the BEST!).

To make this short, 30 minutes later, I have confirmed, yes, the insurance no longer takes the medical group The Boy’s current pediatrician was in, I get help from the rep to secure a new medical group, new pediatrician and new appointment set up for The Boy and the new medical card is being mailed out.

30 minutes to do something that idiot of a man couldn’t do with many calls to Anthem.  But I’m not surprised.  He didn’t care about any of this and is doing it just so that I don’t haul him back to court for not carrying The Boy on his insurance, as it is court ordered. 

That man doesn’t even know the day his only son was BORN.  Yup, he has no idea his son’s birthday.  Why should he care if his medical is up to date?

I am so close to getting another lawyer and opening up this can of worms again.  I don’t mind putting The Boy on my insurance.  At the time, 8 years ago, the judge saw fit that my ex pay for medical because she probably saw how much of an arrogant asshole he was.  And to top it off I don’t even bother to make a big stink about co-payments and medication costs, which my ex should also be paying for, but never has.  I think that will change in the near future and I may no longer put MY address down so ALL bills get sent to ex.

So excuse me, douche of an ex husband but we are NO longer married so I am NOT obligated to do the work YOU should be doing to ensure your child has the proper medical insurance. 

But I do your work because, out of the two of us, I am the one who cares about this child the most.

Bite me.

The List

A recent conversation got me to thinking about going over and cleaning up my List.

What is this List that I speak of?

As I posted in an entry about The Nothing taking me over, I have felt the bitter sting of loneliness and the foreboding it produces when there is just a lonely road to The Nothing ahead.

I thought to myself, “why am I on this road?”……I thought and thought…..

Then realized it was because of The List.

Yes, The List.  This is a mental list that I keep inside the recesses of my brain.  This List contains the personality traits and or characteristics that I do NOT like in a man and even sometimes in humans in general.

*Note: I somewhat intend this to be a sort of parody.  With that being said, if something below sounds really far fetched and just ridiculous, it probably is.  I’m being funny.  So, please do not assume I am a man hater, or a gold digger or anything like that.  I understand acceptions to the rule. I am not perfect myself and will never admit to being such.  I do not hate men.  Especially since men are the only way for me to have decent sex with something that doesn’t require batteries, even if that hasn’t happened in a long time and pay no never mind to the fact that the last time it did, I was so desperate that it was with a 300+lb man.  Not my most glorious moment….ANYWAY moving on!

glad-share-sense-humor-friendship-ecard-someecards

This List includes, but is not limited to (presented in no particular order):

1. You must have a job

Nope, not a job to pay for ME.  I have been working since I was 17 years old, sometimes 2 jobs while going to school full time.  I can earn my own money and pay my own bills.  I don’t need your money.  What I mean is I’m not going to be paying for any part of you.  Being that I am just a few years from 40 (damn it) I will assume that you will be as well, if not already over 40.  That means you should have a job at this point in your life.  I’m not looking for you to be a CEO of some big software company or the President of some stock market company.  Just a job that shows that you are not lazy and will work to contribute to society.

thCAKU47KO

Now, I understand the economy sucks and people lose jobs.  That is the “out” clause here but that does not imply that I will be paying for all things, all the time.   You are out of work, you look for it.

And don’t tell me “oh but I have been looking and there is nothing out there” while you are laying on the couch playing video games.  You will be addressing someone who has been laid off from 4 different jobs in the past since 2010.  I know how much the job search sucks.  But I made it through.  You’re whining will fall on deaf ears.

2.  You will have your own living arrangements

By this I mean, do not be living in your Mama’s basement where she cooks your meals and does your laundry.  I ain’t your Mama and I don’t want to be, EVER.  I already have a son I’m raising.  I am not interested in taking care of another man child. thCA1A9DI9

In accordance to this, you cannot be living in a back room of some friends’ house or on a friends’ couch.  When I mean living arrangements, it means you will have your own apartment, condo, and/or house.  And that does not mean in a friends’ house on his couch.

The reasoning behind this is to show that you have independence from Mommy and friends.  It shows responsibility.  Because you better believe me when I say that you are not going to be moving from your friends couch or your Mama’s basement to come live with me in my apartment I rent and pay for.  (Please refer to  #1).

2.1  Also have a car. I will not be required to drive you around everywhere like you were my teenage child.  Again, I am not your Mama and never want to be.

3. Be a Gentleman

This goes hand in hand with the requirement of not being an Asshole.  This does not mean you have to open doors for me all the time, even though at the beginning, it’s sweet, but it isn’t a forever requirement.

What this means is don’t be a jerk.  I’m sure you’ve been on this planet for a long time and know what a jerk is.  Don’t say rude things, respect other peoples’ feelings and have some sort of human decency inside you. thCAEKJHXG

For instance, if you see a family who is struggling emotionally because their son/father/brother just got killed overseas, do NOT say “They knew what they were signing up for. They need to deal with it”.  That is an asshole, insensitive thing to say and is a sign of Assholery and will get you booted out and kicked to the curb quicker than flies to dog poop.

If I wanted an Asshole, I can just give my ex-husband a call.  And no, I am not the bitter ex-wife.  He is a certified Asshole.  I wasn’t the only one who saw it.  Also, I can’t call someone who abandons their son when he is a year old and never looks back nor communicates with him ever, anything but an Asshole.

4. Live a healthy lifestyle

thCACC60YM

Thank you Entertainment Magazine…..

Ok let me explain.  I do not expect you to be someone who looks like the werewolves from True Blood (one of which is pictured to the right.  Ladies, you are welcome, enjoy).  Unless, maybe, I looked like the female wolves in that show (I will NOT be posting a photo of them, it makes me sick).  Google it and I can tell you, I do not look like them.

However, I am in the process of losing weight, getting in a better shape and just being healthy.  I expect the same from you.  This also includes, no drug use, no alcohol abuse (Notice I said ABUSE, not usage.  I partake of the liquor every once in a while but I don’t abuse it.), no eating Fast Food like it is a new food group.  Once in a while is fine, but it is not meant for every day consumption.  Your arteries are crying out in agony and I’m not taking care of you when diabetes renders you immobile.

Again, it’s about HEALTH not LOOKS.  To some,  I may not be anything to look at and that’s fine but I try to be healthy and I am trying to get to a healthy weight.  And please don’t try and tell me that being 300 lbs is healthy.  Uh, it isn’t.

5. Do NOT withhold physical contact

If I want a hug you better damned well give it.  If I want a kiss you better damned well give it.  If I want to just hold your hand during a movie, don’t flinch and pull away like I have leprosy.  You are with me, which leads me to believe that you at the very least like me, which leads me to believe that you like touching me.  So show it.  Also, if I want sex, you better damned well deliver.

 *note* the latter is mentioned because my ex-husband, during our marriage, never wanted sex or any intimacy, period.  It was debilitating to my soul and I will not have my inner spirit crushed (yet again) by someone who does not like intimacy.

6. No mind games or abuse of ANY kind

This is a No Exception rule.  There will be no lying, cheating, hitting or mental abuse ever.  Sure, there will be arguments and even fights over things but the moment it escalates into a physical altercation, ugly things being said and/or cheating, it’s over.  No Exceptions.

6.1. Please note that this rule applies to myself as well and I will hold myself accountable to follow it.

7. No Atheists allowed

thCADU0X0JThis one might need explaining.  I’m not saying you have to go on Bible Beating rampages with me ( because I don’t do that) or that we have to model our lives like The Duggars (uh…no way).  I’m simply saying that you respect and give God the praise He is due.  I certainly didn’t get through the trials and tribulations I have in my past alone.  God was with me and I believe that and you can’t change my mind about that.  So don’t try.

You may ask, Will I try to beat you down with the Word of Jesus?  Uh no, I most assuredly won’t.  If you don’t believe that is between you and God.  But respect that I do and that is how I live and that if you don’t believe, it would probably not work out.

If I wanted and Atheist, I could just go back to my ex-husband.

8. I like cats

thCA1HYP6D

Plain and simple. I know some people have severe allergies and I understand that cat dander can be very dangerous to their health.  However, that is not the case for me.  I love my cat, I always will (even if I do Cat Shame him every once in a while) and when he is gone I will get another.  I may get more before he is gone, but there will never be a discussion regarding negotiations about getting rid of my cat or denying my love for them.  I have already been through it with my own family and put down, ridiculed and made fun of for my love of cats (they are cat hating people who claim allergies as the reason).  I fought that battle and do not intend to fight it again.  I also like dogs (not more than cats though), preferably small ones such as Dachshunds and Beagles but NEVER Chihuahuas.

9. My family means a lot to me

Don't forget to wield your vorpal blade regularly!

Don’t forget to sharpen your Vorpal Blade regularly!

You may hear me rant about my Mother and rightly so.  However, regardless of how I do or do not get along with her or any other member of my family, you will never put them down or talk bad against them.  That is my job and by my job I mean, I’m just venting.

I love my family even if I loathe them sometimes.  They made me who I am, which is the person you are with.

10. Accept that my son comes first, always

This is pretty self explanatory.  As long as he is a minor and I am his primary caregiver, he will come first over any other human being.  This may possibly even spill over into the years after he is 18 since being a parent is not something that stops when said child becomes of age.  You probably have children of your own, so more than likely, you understand what I mean.

Furthermore, if you choose to ignore this point and there is any evidence that you are mistreating that which is most important to me, even if all other preceding points are met, this whole list and the whole relationship becomes null and void and you will be watching me as I slam the door in your face and calling the local Home Depot for the prices of their door locks.  If you happened to be able to get to the door slamming part without me ripping you to shreds, consider yourself lucky and move on.

Depending on how much of a Mother Bear I turn into, the local authorities might be informed as well.

Mother Bear

This List may grow as many times as I see fit.

If you have your own list that you would like to share, by all means, please do so.  And if I don’t fit up to your Lists’ standards, I have no problem moving on.  I wouldn’t want to waste your time anymore than I would want to waste my own.

However, if you are too shallow to get past the fact that I don’t look like Mila Kunis, then we won’t even get past The List.

There, that should eliminate pretty much the whole populace.

Any Qvestions?

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/Parody done

“I have a difficult daughter and I have an easy daughter”

My mother once told me that she related her daughters as having a “difficult” daughter and having an “easy” daughter.

Apparently, the difficult daughter is labeled such only because she is different. That, would be me.

I only have one sibling. My sister is 6 years younger than me. She is smart, independent and says it like it is (saying she is “blunt” is putting it lightly).

Note: Technically, I also have an older half sister and older half brother but they were from my father’s previous marriage and even though I am in contact with my older sister occasionally, I did not live with her nor really share a life with her.  My older brother, none of us talk to at all, but that is a different story.

I have always felt that God played a little joke on me and made me the older sister, by age only. In essence, I have always felt that my younger sister should have been the older one and I, the younger. Our roles were always reversed compared to what the norm of what older and younger siblings are usually like. I was what you would call the “black sheep”, always arguing with my parents, always making the wrong choices. My sister, did everything to please them, did everything right. She went to the Christian high school while I chose to go to a public. She obliged them (and when I say “them” I mostly mean our mother) while I made it a point to buck heads and have a totally different opinion on everything.  I actually believe I’m more like my father, very easy going, plain and simple.

The Shabby Chic Look (Photo from erasofelegance.com)

My sister is the one who bought the two story condominium at the age of 28 while I went on to marry the wrong man, had a child, went through a divorce, became a single parent and now live in a small, 755 square foot, 2 bedroom apartment that I pay WAY to much for.

Even the way that my sister’s house is decorated is the same taste as our mother’s. It is what you would call Shabby Chic where the colors are very bright, pink, frilly and fluffy (it makes my teeth hurt just describing it).

Even the walls in this photo are to light for me, but this is close enough. (Photo from hermonacasa.com)

I prefer the darker contemporary look, where the furniture is either a dark brown or black. Cabinets in the kitchen must be dark, not white or oak, with stainless steel appliances. I like dark frames on the wall art and walls a darker color like maybe a dark red or brown. If I went lighter in color, it would not be pink or beige.  It would be grey (something my mother has winced over hearing).

My apartment and my sisters’ house are two polar opposites of the interior decorating spectrum.

Another aspect of difference is along the lines of baking and cooking. I don’t like doing either. I just am not that good at it and I don’t have the patience for cooking and especially baking and/or decorating baked good, such as cakes. My mother was a cake decorator when she was younger. She made the most amazing cakes for her time, which was in the late 70’s and early 80’s. She never did it professionally nor did she ever open up her own business. She just did the cakes for friends and family.

My sister, of course, inherited that talent from her. My sister makes the most amazing cupcakes. She patiently molds fondant and pipes icing onto cupcakes and cakes with such ease.  That is just something I could never grasp. I have tried to sit and ice a cupcake with her a few times but my “flowers” come out so pathetic I just feel ashamed.

Below are the actual photos of the creations that they have made. They decorated these on their own, in their own kitchens.

I did once try to create something and try my luck with fondant but it just turned out to be a sad shove into reality that cake decorating was just not my thing.

I went for something Halloween themed. This was supposed to be a graveyard with the fence. It got some laughs :)

I went for something Halloween themed. This was supposed to be a graveyard with the fence. It got some laughs 🙂

In all honesty, I do admire this talent they have.

I think that because my mother and sister are so similar in personality may be why my mother never knows what I like. She is not familiar with it. That labels me, in her mind, as difficult. I’m sure it’s much easier for her to relate to the one daughter who she understands and has similarities to.  Although, I have never agreed with the theory that just because someone is different automatically makes them difficult.

I’m reminded of a quote from A League of Their Own. This is the scene where the younger sister, Kit, is pointing out to her older sister, Dottie, that their parents favor Dottie over Kit.

Kit Keller: You ever hear Dad introduce us to people? “This is our daughter Dottie, and this is our other daughter, Dottie’s sister.” Should’ve just had you and bought a dog!

That is the phrase that runs through my thoughts about this subject. My parents should have had my sister and just bought her a dog.  Or maybe our personalities would have been suited better if we were able to just switch sibling rolls. I believe my sister would have been able to handle my mother better if she had been the first to be born and start the relationship off with issues. My sister can talk to both our parents better than I can. I tend to always approach them ready for a fight, because that is how it has always been with us, especially with our mother. I don’t understand my mother sometimes and I will admit to sometimes not having the energy or the patience to deal with her. Just like with the patience she puts into her cake creations, my sister has the patience to tolerate a little more drama. I just have a short patience fuse when it comes to dramatics.

In our younger years, my sister and I didn’t agree a lot and had a few falling outs. But as of lately, it’s been nice to go over to her house and just talk.  I know that she understands my aversion to keeping a solid relationship with our mother and I understand why she is capable of keeping that solid relationship with her.  A lot of her views I don’t necessarily agree with but I’m sure she feels the same about me.

The irony of our labels as the Difficult or Easy Daughter lies within the fact that one of us is a recovering alcoholic, sex addict, drug addict, compulsive over eater and self mutilator.

I can tell you with all certainty, it is NOT the Difficult Daughter.

You can treat me like shit all you want….but

You can treat me like shit all you want….but when you start to disregard my kids’ feelings, that crosses the line.

Let me explain this with some back story about this weekend:

For the Memorial Day weekend, I had some extra money so I decided to take a small mini-trip out to Long Beach. I wanted to take The Boy to The Aquarium of the Pacific on Sunday.  So Saturday, we drove the 1 hour out there then stayed at a hotel there in downtown Long Beach only about 5 minutes from the Aquarium.  It was a Marriott and it was ok. It didn’t have room service and there was a very loud bunch of people partying two doors down from me late at night that I had to complain about but they took care of it fast enough.  The restaurant it did have was pretty expensive but it had to do as there wasn’t much close by and I didn’t want to be walking or driving the streets of Long Beach alone trying to find something. It did have a pool which The Boy enjoyed and a great exercise room with little T.V.’s attached to each machine. That was nice.

My room also had a great view of the Queen Mary from the balcony:

Taken from thebalcony of my room. See the Queen Mary?

Taken from the balcony of my room. See the Queen Mary?

On Sunday, after we spent a few hours at the Aquarium we ate at Bubba Gump’s Shrimp Co. which was right across from the Aquarium. Then we walked around the harbor and took some photos around the lighthouse there and just enjoyed the ocean breeze.  We were even able to see a Sea Lion swim up to the harbor and catch 2 fish! He was also talking to us. The Boy got a kick out of that.  I have a SD card full of photos but I haven’t had a chance to get them onto my computer yet. That will be coming soon. Lots of great Aquarium photos.

Anyway, here is the reason for my above beginning statement.  Just as a safety precaution, when I go out of town like this, I let my sister know when I will be gone and what hotel I will be at. Apparently, even though I told my mother a few days before that I was going to be driving down to Long Beach, she was upset that she didn’t get told all the information, as I told my sister.

First, I don’t need to ask her permission to take a trip out of town (which is really what she was wanting me to do, ask for her permission). Second, I did not want to tell her the info because, in all honesty, she gets upset when I do things like this and starts to discourage it. She says that I can’t and shouldn’t take trips with The Boy alone (uh…I’m single mom, how else am I going to do it?!).  Her reasoning is because I don’t have a husband and will get killed. No joke…her words. I tend to try and stay away from her negativity on things like this.

First of all, I do not take these trips at night nor do I take my 9 year old and roam unfamiliar streets at night. I get a hotel  in well populated areas and do research before booking. I recently took a trip to Sea World in San Diego and that was a 2 hour drive away and I also took the same precautions. My mother constantly wants to point out that A) I don’t have a man around and B) that I can’t take care of my kid properly.

jealousI have since figured out that she is just jealous. This theory has also been confirmed by my sister, who agrees that this is the case. Commandent #10 Thou shalt not covet (jealousy). Oh how I can not tolerate hypocrisy especially when she was telling me just days before I was a bad mother because I had missed some church. Yeah, remember that CULT you brought us up in Mother? Don’t bring God into it. 

Anyway, my sister was at our mother’s house all weekend (my mother gets along better with my sister because my sister tolerates her better than I do. I tend to get really exhausted of her drama). Come Monday, I call up my mother and say that I wanted to come over and The Boy wanted to show her the pictures he took with his camera at the Aquarium. At this point, I pretty much have no idea that she is mad at me for taking a trip to Long Beach. She tells me no, I am not welcome and I’m taken aback (first thing I think is WTF did I do now?!). I say, well The Boy would like to show you his pictures and she very curtly says no she doesn’t want visitors. At this point, I realize she doesn’t want to see me, fine. So then I offer to just drop off The Boy so he can show her his pictures.  To that she says no. This hurt The Boy because she is never this way to him, only me. (oh how he will soon start to see how cold and cruel his grandmother can be….I’ve seen it all my life but he will soon start to pull away, as I have).

I.was.done.

We were already in the car, ready to go and I just happened to think I should call before arriving unannounced even though she says we can show up anytime. So we are sitting in the car, The Boy is on the verge of tears, I already am fighting back tears because this woman hurt my boy and it’s like I see my childhood, through him, how she has hurt me so many times in the past with her cold words.

I think quick for a distraction and suggest to The Boy that we go to Gamestop and trade in his old games and get him a new one (something he’s been wanting to do for a while but been forgetting to do). This proved a good plan and The Boy was better.

Later, my sister joined us and we had a nice lunch.  She told me of her weekend with our mother and she explained to me that our mother is stressed because she is preparing to move her elderly step mother into her house (her father died back in September leaving her step mother needing to be cared for). She is also stressed that she is also caring for my memory loss father. His doctor doesn’t want to give him the diagnosis of Dementia because he thinks he’s to young to have that but pretty much, that is the diagnosis. My father is 62.  She also has a problem with her knee and will be needing surgery in June.

Now, I understand my mother’s is stressed and she hates how her life is going (hence the jealousy at my freedom to get in a car and take a mini road trip).  She has said she wanted to travel in her Golden Years but now she’s taking care of elderly people and stuck at home. I can see how that is frustrating, I WOULD be frustrated.

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You’re on the road to a lonely life, Mother.

However, that does not mean that she should push away the ONLY people who have been there for her since all of this madness started. The only people who haven’t left it ALL up to her to deal with are my sister and I.  Granted, my sister may have helped more by being there more emotionally for my mother but I just don’t have that kind of relationship with our mother and I am a mother myself and will always put my child first (something that I think my mother is also jealous about, that I put someone else first, above her…).  We have helped her through A LOT of trauma in the past 10 years caused by her family. Her own two sisters leave a lot of this up to her because they are too selfish to do anything else. 

My mother has already told my sister that she knows I’ve been pushing away from her, limiting my time at her house and she is right. In essence, I only visit so that The Boy can have some time with his grandparents but with the way its going pretty soon its going to be me just dropping The Boy off and I leave. For me, I would be fine to never see her more than a few times a year. That is probably as much as I can take of her mind games, manipulations, guilt trips and “whoa is me” drama. Until she gets her priorities straight I can’t tolerate her attitude nor mask my disgust for it.  As harsh as that sounds, it is how I feel. I have my own child to raise and think about. I don’t really have time for her drama.

So now, I have to worry about what mood she will be in as I have scheduled her to watch The Boy on Friday’s and Monday’s in June and July, which was at her request as she always lays down on me the guilt trip that The Boy is her only joy in her life. OH yeah, that was very apparent yesterday when you told him he wasn’t welcome at your house all because you were jealous that he and I took a trip to Long Beach. 

NOW, who’s being selfish…..

*sigh* Regardless,  I’m ready to ask for any of those days off if needed since I have already put in his summer schedule with the summer camp, which can’t be changed unless I pay a fee. I will probably end up paying the fee if that happens.  But this is how my mother is and has been my whole life.

I was invited to guest blog at Black Box Warnings and I tossed around what I would blog about. I thought of what has affected me most in my life. Is it my current loneliness? My life as Single Mother? Maybe my short married life ending in divorce? 

In the end, I chose to write about my mother and why, after 36 years,  I realize that I neither want nor care for a close knit relationship with her.  She is what I like to call an Emotional Vampire and I think for my own sanity, I keep a safe distance.

That guest post will show up early June.

If one doesn’t respond to a text within minutes…they must be dead.

Yesterday, I kept The Boy home because he had a nasty little cough. I stayed home from work with him. We watched some TV in the morning then migrated to my bed to watch Adventure Time on the computer and take a little nap just before lunch. I love Adventure Time. It’s super cute.

Sick Child = 800px-Adventure_Time_-_Title_card

The whole time, my cell phone was on silent. I usually don’t have it on silent when I’m not at work but I had neglected to switch it off silent when I got home the night before.

Now, there are days when I can have no communication, text or email, with either my mother or sister. Of course, this was not one of those days.

Remember, my phone is on silent and I never answer my land line especially during the day because it’s always some sales person trying to sell me a subscription to the local newspaper, a bill collector collecting a debt from someone who isn’t even me or the wrong number. I just have that land line for 911 emergencies.

I noticed around 4pm the land line had been ringing a lot and I figure this is how much it rings during the day. I’m not home during the week days so how would I know? I wouldn’t be surprised if that was so. By this time, we had migrated  to the front room to watch Call of the Wildman on Animal Planet. It was a 3 hour marathon of that show. (pretty good show by the way).

Anyway, around this time, 4pm, I decide to get my quiet, silenced cell phone off my end table in my room and look at it.

The missed calls, voicemails and texts were innumerable.

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Ok, maybe not 10 but you get the point…

They are all from my mother, with one from my sister. The first text was a random text from my mother about a $50 gas card she had given me on Saturday. She was just asking if I had used it yet.  When I didn’t respond immediately, she texted again and again “where are you?” and “hello?”

It was then I noticed emails, voicemails and missed calls.

I pick up the phone and called her and she starts bawling almost immediately! She said she got scared when I didn’t text her back right away.  She called my WORK line (well good thing I wasn’t playing hookie or anything! I actually did call in to say I would be caring for The Boy and wouldn’t be in to work).

She said she called my son’s day care, who told her that he didn’t show up to school.  But unfortunately, the day care also failed to mention that I had called the school at 8 that morning to say he was going to be out sick. This fueled the fire even more.

At this point, she thought we were dead….

I do not make any of this stuff up. She really thought we were dead.

I don’t know what to think of this. At first, I was annoyed. I mean, seriously, I don’t respond RIGHT AWAY and that means it’s time to send out the National Guard. She admitted that the next call she was going to make was to hospitals because to her, we must have been dead. But my sister talked her out of it. Even my sister was a bit tiffed about this over- dramatic episode. She was at work and when stuff like this happens, my mother tends to do everything short of walking into our offices and getting in our faces. Hence, just short of getting us fired.

These texts, voicemails and emails were all within the time frame of 1 hour.

However, I will admit that I did feel very bad. I mean in my mother’s little world, she really thought her daughter and her grandson were dead. No joke. I apologized profusely because I’m not mean and I would never have purposely wanted her to think that we were dead…

But seriously, am I being strange in thinking this kind of paranoia is just bizarre?

Am I rude in thinking that just because I don’t respond to a text within minutes, it’s a bit over dramatic to think I’m DEAD?

She said “usually if you don’t go to work you text us saying you are staying home”……Uh..no I don’t. Because last time I checked, I was a 36 year old adult and didn’t need to check in with mommy and daddy that I would be sick from work.

It’s like Drama is a genetic part of this family’s DNA…..

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Its exhausting….