Hello! And how are you? How was your weekend?

“Hello! And how are you? How was your weekend?”

Ah, to be a human out in the world of other humans.  How many times have we been asked this question and in response, smiled and said something along the lines of “I’m doing great and my weekend was fantastic!”?

In reality, you are in physical pain constantly because your lower back feels like it’s barely being held together by string, you deal with migraines just about every week, the fat keeps piling on no matter how much you move or how much you don’t eat and it weighs you down and you have an emotionally draining mother who demands attention whenever you are with her and her “it’s all about MY problems” look on life in tie with an ailing father who doesn’t communicate or interact at all.  This piled up on top of your own worries of trying to keep a household on a pay that doesn’t fit the economy (thanks to moving to a state that is 50 years behind the USA cost of living) and trying to keep a stable relationship with a 13 year old son who is starting to just want to have nothing to do with you…but sure wants your money. greatthanks
I guess that would be a lot longer to say in response to a short inpersonal question.  Oh and I’m pretty sure that the person asking, really doesn’t genuinely care how you are REALLY doing.

The truth is, some people are WAY to perky and LAUGH way to much.  I want to turn to them and say,

Look! Not all of us have a hard working spouse, two incomes and wonderful little perfect children.  Some people, and by some people I mean ME, have to sometimes choose between food and gas just to stay afloat. So constantly ranting about your all of the above to me, pretty much makes me want to punch a baby. Knock it off…I don’t care!

But that would be mean and un-sociable.

So I smile and nod and say the socially accepted phrases such as “oh isn’t that great” or “oh so cute

But really…..

 

Luke-----I-Don--t-Care

 

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Driving in Idaho

I have found it very hard to take off my “must be ready for any asshole on the road” hat since I have been living in Idaho as opposed to poo-poo California.  People drive REALLY slow here.  I feel like no one here is in a rush to pick up a kid, get to work on time or make some appointment.  It’s this attitude of “if I get there, I get there….” that I so desperately want to embrace, but can’t.

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Yes, this really is ANY time of the day in L.A.

 As much as I want to, I cannot get my mind wrapped around that attitude.  I’ve lived and been around to much of what you see in the picture to the right.  Every single person in every single one of those cars pictures is an A-1 prick with a 3+ ton killing machine in their hands.

But here….here, I get stuck staring at the butt of a Dodge 2 rear wheeler 4×4  with “howtobeacowboy.com” on it’s side and going 20 miles an hour on the freeway and I really can’t help but laugh.  And so I do, I laugh and say “if I get there I get there.”

To watch someone fight his love for me….

fighting20with20love20-20small20logoIt is exactly as it says.  I can literally see him struggle with the fact that he is fully in love with me in his heart and mind, yet denies it on the outside.  He is cold, distant, throws my girly emotional “I miss you’s” back in my face.

But there are little things he does, things he says. Actions that tell me, in his heart he feels he must stay in touch

But the last I spoke to him was  5 days ago, when his cold reactions to my love was the last straw.  I understand on the outside, someone may think this looks like I’m seeing something that isn’t there but really, that isn’t the case.  Something in my heart….in my soul tells me he fights his love for me.  He is battling his own World War 3 in his own heart and soul.

Ultimately, it makes me sad.  If he would just give into what he feels for me, we could actually, possibly throw away our horrible past and create a new future.  We could be parents to our son.  We could love each other as a family.

But he won’t, or maybe he can’t , or maybe he just doesn’t want to.  Whatever the case, I’m tired of being tossed around by his emotional resistance and 5 days ago I said just this….

“You have broken my heart for the last fucking time, you asshole….”

And I was done.

Let’s Break those Eggshells

I was just recently told by my ex-husband, who I have reconnected with, that he feels he has to walk on egg shells with me.  My mother has also told me this, as has my sister.  I have no feggriends but I’m sure they would feel the same way to.

Is this because I could explode at things said to me?  Maybe.  Or is it because people are just plain jerks with what they say or do that they all set me off?

How has it come that everyone decides to fall back on the “I walk around on egg shells with you” and “you have the problem, not me” instead of not admitting that they are just plain asshats.  I’m the nice one here.  I only bite when barked at.  I know of people who wake up in the morning ready for a fight, not caring who they tick off or if others around them live or die.  I believe I share blood with some.  I also share blood with those who don’t seem to have one ounce of common sense or human nature decency in their body.  I swear I don’t belong in this family.

I belong free.  I want to BE free.  I want to enjoy my son for Christ’s sake!  Without the “you are the worst mother in the world because you let your son WALK home from school and be home for 1 hour because YOU have to work!”

And yes….that is what I’m told…

Where are those metaphorical egg shells now, huh ma?

Oh and yes….still do not get along with that women…finally realized…I never will…ever.  She is everything I do not want to be in a mother.  She is everything that I try not to be, in a mother. That says enough.

So, please all…continue to walk on those eggshells.  Ask me if I give two fucks about it!

A Valentine for the Un-lovable

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That would be me.  Un- lovable.

Yet another of these stupid days rolls in and I have to endure the heart cards, the heart shaped boxes of little chocolates, red and pink M&M’s and my Facebook feed of gooey and gushy “I love my husband/wife/dog”.  (Oh BTW certain Facebook friend, you probably should stop loving that spouse of yours.  They are cheating on you).

I know there are more of you out there who endure this day as I do and just want it to go away.  I am un-lovable.

By my definition and according to my circumstances, I am a person who has NEVER been loved.  I do not mean by relatives like a mother, father, sibling,  etc.  To love a relative is a forced loved, meaning, you don’t choose to.  Well, I know sometimes you DO choose to end loving a relative because they are a horrible douchbag but you get my meaning.

I have never been loved by someone who wasn’t blood to me.  I have never known the love of a man or even a friend.  Well, at this point in my life only one friend but God thought it a great joke to have her be removed from my life 8 years ago because of cancer.

eeyore-rain-cloudAh, I love my Eeyore Status with God.  I’m always under that rain cloud of drudgery with Him.

For those who know me a little, you might be asking yourself “Wait, wasn’t she married?”

Yes, I was.  But he neither loved me nor even liked me so why he married me is beyond me.  You think it would have been for money or an arranged marriage (no I wasn’t pregnant when we married) but no.  I just think it was just another sick joke to push me closer to ending it all.

I will not keep rambling my sorrows about this stupid day any longer.  I just hope that those who wallow in the sea of “oh I love you dear hubby forever and ever” and “I’m going to Jared to get my wonderful wife a diamond in her favorite color”, realize that it isn’t all candy and brightly colored and expensive jewels for some.

For some it is just another day to remind a person that is mid way through their life, that they are utterly alone in their existence on this earth.

That they are not, and probably never will be, loved.

“Oh, I thought I mentioned her…”

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Yes, yes it is….

The guy has a girlfriend.

He said it yesterday afternoon while we were in the parking lot to pick up the kids.  I had just invited him and his kids to dinner at Hometown Buffet stating I planned to be there just after picking up The Boy.

In regards to my invitation, which, by the way, was strictly to HIM and his 2 kids, as my text to him said “Would YOU and the kids like to join The Boy and I for dinner at Hometown Buffet?”………He responds with “S. isn’t around until 6:45“.

Who the fuck is S.??” is instantly what I THINK.  However, being that I can’t react that way and must stay cool, calm and collected, I ask, “Who is S.?

He says, “S. is my girlfriend. I thought I mentioned I had a girlfriend“.

Uh, NO motherfucker! You never mentioned a girlfriend!  What you DID mention was that you had an EX-girlfriend.  WTF!!!!!”, is what I THOUGHT, however, keeping in that cool, calm and collected mode, what I say is “Oh, okay“.  Apparently, S. is not the ex-girlfriend I remember him mentioning.

Little does he know, his number lasted no longer than 2 days in my phone and all interaction, even the parking lot meetings at the kid’s after care, will soon cease and desist.

MjAxMy1lNDNjZmUyYmEzNjFhZGZl_52322339627d7_rcI’m actually surprised at my initial reaction to this, even after having some time to let it sink in.  My heart didn’t sink to my stomach as it normally would have in the past.  I waited for that sinking feeling, it never came.  I actually laughed inside.  I laughed inside because he thought he could actually play this game with me.  He thought he could request my number, answer my “get to know you” questions and even ask some of his own and then just randomly say, “oh yeah, I have a girlfriend but HEY we can totally keep flirting with each other and get together with the kids and please keep inviting me places….I LOVE having my cake and eating it to!”

And please don’t anyone try and tell me he didn’t know what he was doing or he didn’t know I was interested….he knew, believe me, he knew.  I don’t really care whether he was being innocent, naive or just plain stupid.  He knew EXACTLY the game he was playing.  And the only reason the girlfriend probably even came up again was because she was probably due to be there pretty soon.  Can’t cover up someone who is standing right there!

He claims that this girlfriend information has come out in one of our conversations.  I would have remembered that because I would not have pursued him any further nor offered him the Motocross tickets.  Backed into a corner much there, Buddy?

So, I laid it out for him because I’m not one to tip toe around the fucking elephant in the room.

I said “Look, I don’t want to step on toes. If you have a girlfriend, I don’t want to make you, nor her, uncomfortable by inviting you places.”  This statement was actually totally true.  I, personally, don’t think that a man who is in a committed relationship should, in ANY way, be accepting event tickets from other women AND going with those woman to the event, without his girlfriend.  Call me old fashioned but I have no respect for that.

He replies, “She understands that I mostly have women friends. I have to flirt a lot in Renaissance Faire booth to sell my stuff.”  Yeah, if your girlfriend accepts this behavior of yours, as you claim, I wonder about her own respect for herself.

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Yeah buddy, you aren’t helping your cause much here. You may need a bigger shovel to continue digging your own grave there.

At that point, I just wanted to run in disgust.  He was one of THOSE men.  Blegh….

I excused myself with some excuse about needing to go eat and being hungry and said my goodbyes.  I turned to get in my car and a face looked at me that made this all sink in suddenly.

I saw my boy, sitting in the car, waiting.  He had been behind me and encouraging me about all this for the last few weeks.  He liked this guy but I think it’s only because he was just that, another guy.  He was disappointed and that is when I started to hurt, but hurt for my boy.

However, The Boy and I moved on.  We had a great dinner together and even had a few laughs over this whole debacle and I still waited for the sad, depression, feelings followed by hours of blubbering, about all this, to hit.  They never did.

Instead, after dinner, I went down to the gym and I pummeled the treadmill.  I ran like it meant each step would stomp his head in.  I talked with God, thanking Him for keeping me on my toes.  Ha ha, great test run, God.  Let’s move on now?

I didn’t cry, I didn’t even want to.  I just wanted to run and listen to my music….and run.  The only thing crying for me was my fat, because……..

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After my workout, I said to The Boy that it was time to get our Halloween lights up.  That is exactly what we did and they turned out pretty good!  This is the first year we are in an upstairs unit so the railing on the balcony is going to be put to good use.

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Halloween is here! (actual photo of my balcony)

And there you have it.  It was the saga of the man who thinks he can have his cake and flirt with it to.

Unbelievable, which is something I kept saying all throughout my Hometown Buffet dinner.  So much so, that The Boy and I started to make a joke out of it.  But as it states above, I’m not just a little piece of cake…I’m the whole damned buffet AND dessert line, Bitch!  And there is NO way I’m giving HIM a referral to my apartment complex….he had the actual nerve to ask for one.  Good Lord……

So yeah, thanks God, for showing me what I’m missing.  Now, moving on!
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You know when there is that person…you just don’t like

Everyone has been through it.  You meet a person and for some reason, you just don’t like them!  I have that situation except I do know why I don’t like her, but it isn’t really her fault.  We got a new paralegal and apparently because I don’t have a big bad paralegal degree, I get kicked out of my office and she gets the big office while I get shoved into the small cubicle in the hallway.  The way of the corporate world I guess.

Then get a degree? Well, I do have my two year AA and AS.  I wished I had a husband to back me up so I can be off work for two years and still have income pouring in while said husband works.  That is the story of my other co-worker, the Jr. Paralegal.  Well, good for her, because if I went that route, I would be homeless and begging on the streets with my kid because I have no “back up” income to speak of.  It is enough that I haven’t eaten in about a week (and that is no joke…I’ve been living off hard boiled eggs and water, I feed my kid and even the cat first before me, always).

Her first day was today and I’m being as cordial as I can possibly be.  I mean, it really wasn’t HER fault that I don’t have a paralegal degree (I don’t even want one) and was pushed out of my big corner office with a door and a window.

Still, I have this inner biatch feeling to just ignore her, completely.  I don’t really work with her directly but I still am in the same department.

*sigh* I don’t like feeling this mean because I’m not normally this mean but I just do NOT like the situation and even if I sound like a whining 10 year old…I don’t care.  They treated me pretty bad by just shoving me out of an office after over a year in it with no warning nor telling me it was temporary, which apparently it was because I am not a big bad Paralegal.  But, as has been the situation for years now, employers can do basically whatever they want to employees, just short of something illegal, because of the job shortages.  I certainly can’t find a job anywhere else so I just smile and nod at whatever is thrown at me.

Still, for the most part, it’s a good employer with great benefits so I really should just stop complaining and whining like a 10 year old.  Right?

But…if the occassion did ever call for moving on in life…I would defintately say it…in cake…

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I feel like a hamster on a wheel

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It’s just the same old thing, over and over.  I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to get excited about.  Well, I take some of that back.  I did get approved for a 8 day vacation at Christmas time, which includes 2 paid holidays.  I’m going with my sister to visit our other sister in Montana.  However, I still have that forboding feeling that something will try to ruin that and it will probably be my mother.

I have no money for food again today.  I spent the last I had on lunch items for The Boy.  He eats before me.  That is my basic rule when money is tight. So as of lately, there has been nothing left over after I feed him or get his lunch items, which I’ve had to get more of because, well he’s a growing boy.  So, some days, I starve.  I’m not going to die. I have enough fat to cover the lack of food.  It’s just more annoying.

I forgot to boil eggs last night so I have no hard boiled eggs for lunch today.  I’m going to survive today on a Greek yogurt and a cup of strawberries.   In all honesty, that is why I have been losing weight.  All my food expenses go to The Boy and I just get what is left over which is usually nothing.  It’s been a rough summer since I had to pay twice as much for summer camp in June and July and now, The Boy’s moving up to the Hockey clinic so I need to get his full gear which is turning out to run into the $500 range. Unbelievable.

I have -$30 in my account until next Wednesday.   Yes that is a “negative” sign you see in front of that number.  And I have no idea how I’m going to fill my tank with gas.  I may have to skip work and call in “don’t have enough money to get gas to get to work” one day until next Wednesday.  I already had to take back some clothes of The Boy’s that I allowed myself to be tricked into buying (believe me, I only blame myself).  I cried to The Boy on Monday after I picked him up from school telling him that I over spent and it was my fault and I would have to take some clothes back.  He put his hand on my shoulder and said, “it’s ok and look! I caught a lizard!”

God I love that kid so much!

Also, my Water/Sewer/Trash bill has gone up like 60%.  This is the bill that most apartment complexes pay for but not the one I’m in.  It’s my highest utility bill at $70 a month which is what it was last month.  I have a 755 sq ft apartment.  I have no idea how I can have that much for water/sewer/trash.  I know sewer and trash I can’t even control but I know I don’t use that much water.  When I asked about it I was basically told “sorry, that is what it is”.

I know I’m not going to be able to afford this apartment by my lease renewal next June.  Rent has gone up all three years I’ve been here and not by a couple of bucks.   I think $100 is the most I’ve seen it go up.

I’ll figure it out though.  It’s just so disheartening as I’m trying my best.  I almost lost it on Monday afternoon though.  I realized that I had not one more cent and I still had to pay rent and for this month’s hockey lesson.  On the drive home, my sister called because I asked her, my out of work sister, if she had $20 to cover some of hockey lessons.  I lost it.  It was another dark hole of The Nothing I was falling into at that moment and I wanted to die and be done with all this anguish and pain, just be done.

I breathed and moved on.  One of these days, I won’t get to the breathe and move on moment and just keep falling until I stop falling and the pain is done. *sigh*

warningcontains-200x200Deep in my heart though…I know it’s still black with hate because I know that the father of my child, who turned his back and left his son gets to prance around, bang whoever he wants and do whatever he wants while I have to worry about money, hockey gear (which if I don’t get soon I will never hear the end of the complaining from The Boy) and schooling.  As time goes on, I really do feel myself just hating that man and I will continue to do so, regardless if he’s the father of my child.

I don’t like having so much hate in my heart, but at least it’s geared towards one person that I rarely see or converse with ever.

This just in:  I’ve just been told that I will now be forced to move out of my office with the door and window into a stuffy cubicle in the small hallway.  Apparently, my office is for a paralegal, not legal secretary, which I am, something I’ve never been told in the last year and 2 months I’ve been here.

It just gets better and better.

Oh…no…please don’t do that.

Let’s talk about pet peeves….

Yes, the things that ANNOY THE MOTHER LOVIN’ SHIT OUTTA ME!

Now, this could be an array of things from driving to someone’s personality to just something random seen during random daily life.  Your pet peeves may be different, but here are some of mine.

The following list could grow at any moment, but this is what stands out for me the most, as of late.

Do NOT stand 1 inch from my ass when you are behind me in line

Please please don’t do this.  I am practically begging you for both our sakes.  I will tolerate it, to an extent, or if I know that the line will move quickly and the torture won’t be long but if it continues, I cannot be held responsible for my actions.

If you are standing behind me in line, you must give me and everyone else their personal space.  Usually, this means at least two feet between the person in front of you and behind you.  That is the minimum.

If you do not do this and insist on standing precisely 1 inch from my ass, I will turn around and tell you that this is America and most of us require personal space when subjected to standing in a line together.  If you persist on breathing down my neck, I will turn to you and repeat the preceding except at a higher voice decibel.  If you are dead set on forcing me to lose all my collective shit, I will turn to you and ask you, in an even higher voice, if you would like to buy me a drink first before you start bump and grinding me from behind like we were at a club dance floor.

Just to make sure that what I say I will do is what I will do, I have already done it.  Disneyland can be filled with many many long lines and since I’ve been going there for 9 years on a regular basis, I have run into my fair share of “Space Vampires” as I call them.  I can safely say that only once, was the infraction brought to the third level where I, very loudly, voiced to the person behind me that if they got any closer to my private body parts while we were waiting in this line, I would have to assume they were trying to pick pocket me and I would get the police involved and accuse them of such.the_matrix_jiu_jitsu

Needless to say, that worked, especially since the first two times they claimed to not know English but suddenly, they did a Neo and hooked up their brain to The Matrix and uploaded the language instantly.

Do NOT get into the Diamond Lane or fast lane and then proceed to go 40 MPH

Slow driverIf you do this, I can assure you there will be a lot of cars passing you up and 99.9% of the drivers of those cars will be flipping you off.  The far left lanes and the farthest left lane, known as the Diamond Lane, are for faster traffic which means most people in those lanes want to go closer to the top speed limit which is 70 on most California Freeways.  If you are a snail, you are to be in the farthest right lane.

Then on the flip side….

Do NOT be in the slow lane (farthest right lane) and be riding my bumper because I’m not going 80+

tail gatingAs I said above, the farthest right lane is for slower traffic.  Therefore, do not tail gate me because I’m driving a bit slower in this lane.  Driving slow is what this lane is for.  If you continue to tail gate me you better pray I don’t have my kid with me.  That is because if I don’t, I will slam on my brakes fast, you WILL rear end me and it WILL be your fault.  I am not below sacrificing my own vehicle to teach you a lesson.  Of course, the latter is a last ditch effort and probably won’t be done, but I can wish.  Or I can tap my break to let you know to get off the ass of my car!

However, what I will do if you continue to persist on pretending like you are a Nascar driver, is ask that you please proceed to the farthest left lanes. 114488603_crop_340x234 That will give me time to pull over, phone the police and give them your location, make and model of your car and what you look like, so that you can be stopped before you kill someone with your delusions of grandeur.  You think I won’t? Try me….

I will neither confirm nor deny I have called the police on speeding drivers.  Actually, I will definitely confirm it!

I have also called the police on:

–Cars I see with children that are unbuckled and bouncing around in the cars while their drivers are going 80+.

–Cars who can’t pick a lane (swerving), which leads me to believe they may be more than just changing the radio station.  And it doesn’t help if vodka bottles are flying out of your windows.

–Drivers that I see texting WHILE driving.  I will give the benefit of the doubt to those I see at a stop light and quickly looking at their phone then putting it down.  Although I probably shouldn’t.

text2Please learn how to spell when you are communicating with me through text or type

I am sometimes guilty of not double checking texts or posts and I kick myself in the butt when I see errors and always try to quickly fix them.  But when I get a text or message from someone that looks like I should have a decoder to read it, I will ignore it.

If I see this type of Hieroglyphics on a message forum or message board, I will out right make fun of you.

The exception: Twitter and sometimes Facebook (but only if your Twitter account is linked to your Facebook).  It’s hard to get some thoughts out in 140 characters or less, so abbreviating is necessary and completely acceptable.

Do NOT make assumptions about me in any form

Look, it really is simple.  If something about me is confusing, just ask.  Do not assume just because I don’t respond right away or I’m not talking a lot or I’m not smiling profusely means I hate you or me or the world!  This one is actually a pretty recent Pet Peeve as someone recently did this and I was left with my ass in my hand going “WTF does this person MEAN!”  I honestly believed that they thought they were talking to another person because I had no idea what or even who they were talking about.  If your sentence starts with “but I thought that…” you shouldn’t think.  Just ask.

OH my GOSH please stop the whining

I will pretty much walk away from anyone who is a constant whiner.  And if they have the “whiner’s” voice to go with their whining I will not even give them the time of day.3p6sol

There is a difference between someone needing a shoulder to cry on and someone who is just whining like a baby.  I understand people go through some bad crap, as do I, and someone to talk to really helps.  But if it starts to come down to the fact that EVERY time I’m conversing with you, you begin to whine about something or go back into the “whoa is me” mode, I will shut you out pretty fast.  Sometimes, I can deliver some hard to swallow medicine for those who wallow in their pity.  However, it would take a lot of wallowing for me to dispense the hard medicine so, if I have reached that point, your whining has reached its quota and you need to either buck up and put on your big adult pants or just be gone.

I would also like to note here that I’m not going to be a bitch about it.  Like I said, there are some people who really just need a shoulder to cry on.  Then there are some people who just thrive off making sure everyone knows their sorrows and being an attention whore by vocalizing their trials and tribulations and they do it all the time.  There is a difference.  The latter, I will not tolerate.

Lastly, and most certainly not the least, do not put your hands on or raise your voice to my child

Yup, this has happened three times in the almost 10 years of being a mother and it was not by any of my relatives, but complete strangers.

Incident #1 – The Boy was about 3 years old.  We were at a playground at a rather nice local out door mall.  He was playing in a little house on the playground and I was sitting on a bench about 10 feet away.  I could see him fine.  Next thing I see is a blonde bitch, grabbing my child by the arm pulling him off the play house and telling him something to his face.

Let me explain something.  If you knew me in person, you would point me out as the most quiet, mild and shy person ever.  I usually don’t speak unless spoken to and I really do hate confrontations.  1334539588097_3491865However, this personality trait of mine changed the minute I had to protect another human being.

When this woman touched my kid then got in his face, I saw red.  I walked up to her and

Me:  What is wrong?

Bitch Mother: He was pushing.

Me: Ah ok, well I tell you what, how about I push YOU because if you dare to touch my kid again you’ll wish that it was just my 3 year old pushing!

Then promptly rushed off because really, deep down, I am not a fighter and this confrontation was fueled solely on adrenaline, but damn if anyone touches my kid!

Incident #2 – At Disneyland, a line suddenly formed to take photos with Woody and Jessie from Toy Story.  The Boy was about 3 as well.  This lady was in front of us with a HUGE backpack that was hitting my kid’s head each time she tried to shove her way in front of me.  The first time her huge back pack hit my kid in the head, I just moved him over.  The second time it hit him in the head, I moved him to the side.  This woman was shoving around so hard that it hit my kid’s head for a third time.

It was then I told her that if she hit my small child in the head with her huge back pack again, she would be done, leaving her to interpret what exactly I meant by “done”.  She looked at me, kind of scared, as a young couple giggled behind me because they were also watching this scene unfold and knew I was at the brink of frustration.  She walked away.  Mission accomplished!

Incident # 3 – Also at Disneyland (yeah, when you go as much as I do, you start to see some non-Magical crap), my kid was around 3 and he was sitting in a display Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride car that was for taking pictures in, just outside the ride.  I was a few feet away, sitting down.

I suddenly noticed a man was grabbing his arm and pulling him away from the car!WTF!

I got up and then noticed he was pulling him away because it looked like his older son wanted a photo in the car my kid was sitting in.  I didn’t give a rat’s ass if this man wanted to drive away in this car, you do NOT touch my kid! (why do people think they can do THAT!)

I then quickly walked up and grabbed The Boy:

Me: Uh, excuse me but why are you grabbing my child?

Douche Bag Man:  He was in the way of the picture I want to take…

Me:  You know what? You can’t be grabbing my kid or probably any other kid that isn’t yours by the arm in a public place or the only picture anyone will be taking is of you lying on the ground…..you are lucky I’m not violent.

And I exit the scene….I had to….I was about to punch him.

Mother Bear

Lesson is please do NOT touch other people’s children.  Talk to the parent first.  If these people had just come to me…those scenarios would have ended a lot less aggressively.

And yes, they are all true stories.  You wanna hear about the time a 3 year old boy peed on my mother’s leg while we were stuck in a walkway at Disneyland?  Another true story…..but maybe for another time.

The days go on and the idiots are still around

I continue, day by day.  I took The Boy to hockey lessons last night, and after, we went for our traditional In N Out dinner.

I woke up to the news about Prop 8 in California.  My opinion and where I stand on this subject is not the most liked point of view.  So I will leave it at that.

As I already posted, I lost another dear friend last week to breast cancer.  I’ve been doing better.  My mother actually pointed out something very important that I agreed with (yes, pick up your jaws from the floor.  Sometimes we DO agree).

She pointed out that it may have been a “blessing in disguise” that my friend told no one about her battle, especially me.  After losing my best friend and watching her deteriorate over the years then die, I may not have been able to handle going through it all over again and adding the pain her small child and husband into the picture.  So I’m wondering if maybe, it was all for the best.  I can only take so much.

And right after pointing that out my mother pointed that out I’m a bitch because I told her about my issues with my ex on Monday.  She said I am a bitch to him and I whole fucking heartedly agreed!

I’m sorry (or not sorry) but I hold no respect, honor or decency to someone who turns their back on their child for any reason.  It is selfish and wrong and only shows that this person wants to hurt the child and since this is MY child….I give you this:Mother Bear

He lost any type of respect or non-bitchyness from me the moment he did that.  I care NOT for the reasons he claims to have done it either, which were that he couldn’t handle me.  Excuse not accepted. I don’t care if I acted like Miranda Priestly herself!  You are there for your kid.  I know men to have endured MUCH worse than I ever could have dished out and were always there for their children. 

And for corn’s sake I really wasn’t that bad!  He just got mad because I ripped him a new one because he shaved my 1 year olds head bald right before a photo session and not only did my baby look like he should be saying Hail Hitler but that is not the look I wanted for him at his baby photo session.  And I know that my kid screamed the whole time he was getting his head shaved while his father probably just told him to shut up.  (Yes, he would have said that, I had seen him do the exact thing I describe to his nephews.  I don’t make this up).

So yeah, my inner bitch WILL come out when dealing with that asshole.

Anyway, I digress.  To top off this wonderful roller coaster of emotions I made the very bad mistake of posting in a group on a certain Disney forum about the recent loss of my friend to cancer.  I have known a lot of the people who post there for years and wanted to check in.

Big mistake.  My “check in” was greeted with this insensitive and callous comment, at least in my opinion, anyway.

Sorry Claudia, it happens. Many kids lose parents

By the “many kids lose parents” comment, he was referring to the fact I mentioned my friend had a 6 year old daughter… but hey…so what! Many kids lose parents right?  That makes this loss mean nothing…right?  Or does that make the motherless kids feel any better?!

What the fuck…..I wonder how anyone who is as insensitive as this lives with themselves on a daily basis.  And I now remember why I left that fucking Disney forum.  Disney my ass……

Or maybe I’m being super sensitive about the comment to because I know some people just don’t know what to say but if that were the case, just say nothing.  I can guarantee if this had been said to me to my face, I would have punched him in the balls.

Oh and FYI – I changed the address of this journal from amorainbette to claudiabette.  I might do this every few months just to ensure that I keep out of the radar of those who I don’t want seeing this blog.

So former links to the old address will show a deleted blog but I’m still here.

Office Space much??

I can officially put today down as one of the crappier days of my life.

First, I found out we are hiring another paralegal. No biggie, I’m just a lowly secretary even if I can do the paralegal work but just don’t have the piece of paper with my name on it that says that I can.  However, I realized how “lowly” I was when I was told that when this paralegal is hired, they will take the current office that I’m in now which has a door and a window to look outside.

And what will I be moved into?  Well, that means that I will be shoved into a small cubicle a quarter of the size of that office and forgo the door, the window and a whole lot of privacy.  No more lunches with the office door closed.  I will have to leave the office (which I don’t like doing in this heat) for lunch or I will be interrupted during lunch a lot.

Then just after finding that out, I get a call from my sister.  She was laid off from her job this morning after almost 6 years working there.  She was expecting it and it put my office debacle into perspective but it didn’t make me feel better.  At least I still have my job.  Although, I’m not entirely sure how long that will be because I would think that being told I have to move from an office like this:

Office%201_A

To a cubicle like this (not even this big): imagesCAPQEXLQ

 I would consider that a demotion from those standards.

*Note: the above pictures are not the actual photos of my working environment…but they are very close.

And I wonder about whether they are just preparing me for something to come.  And if that something were to come, my life would be over. I refuse to move back in with my parents and actually can’t now that my step-grandmother is moving in with them and now that my sister is out of a job, I couldn’t move in with her. There would be no way I could afford my $1,250 a month rent on any other pay I’ve seen being offered in these parts and being that I get a discount on my rent through my employer, that rent would go up to close to $1,400 for my 2 bedroom apartment.

I guess I shouldn’t complain really. Until that “something” happens, at least I still have a job.

I will say that I felt very much like Milton Waddams.

28541041

The check is in the mail…

A call from a bill collector, sent me into a whirlwind of flash backs.

Because of this move from one apartment to another, I have had to put a few bills on the back burner to be able to have enough for the deposit on the new apartment and such.

So of course, the loan company for my car was the first to call. Well, I really have no other bills other than rent, utilities and my car payment.  my car payment is only 2 weeks late.

My pre-bankruptcy days returned to me in full force flash backs and my heart fell into my stomach.

Before I continue, yes, I did file a BK. Being a single mother and, at one time, out of work, was a perfect combination for getting so far into a hole, there was no way of getting out. So, yes, I did BK. All judgment can be left at the door because it saved me from driving my car off a cliff and meeting Jesus to soon!

Anyway, I almost forgot how rude collections can be. How heartless and cold they can be, especially over the phone. I calmly and rather politely told this lady, Sylvia, that the check was in the mail. It wasn’t a cliché. I do plan on placing a check for the full amount and any late fees due, in the mail on Saturday, well maybe Monday, but I will do it!

And on another side note, I send paper checks for my car payments because I refuse to be charged a fee to have the ability to pay online. I do not understand what that fee is for as I am interacting with no one. Hence, even my regular payments get sent through snail mail and I just time them appropriately.

Moveing on, the rudeness and demands of how I MUST pay over the phone was unbelievable. I told her that I can’t pay her with money that I do not have and she continued with her arguments on how I can which I just couldn’t  understand because unless she was going to fund me money to pay for a car payment that was only 2 weeks late, it wasn’t getting done over the phone, at that very moment.

I ended it with “the check is in the mail” and hung up.

It is though, or will be by Monday. I actually have this all planned out and will be transferring monies from a small little savings I have been able to collect since I was blessed with a much higher paying job last year, in June. I’m still waiting for that transferred money to end its trip, at my checking account.

So if this “Sylvia” can keep her panties out of a bunch for another 4 days, I would be grateful.

Maybe Eeyore will help me move into my new apartment

I have boxes stacked all over my apartment. They are going up the walls, stacked high. I have not received one offer of help from anyone in my family.

Well, I lied. I realized that I could not physically move the big items such as my dining table, hutch, beds, and entertainment center. So I got my mother to ask her cousin if her son can help with the big items in 2 weeks. He was enticed with the offer of cash, which is no problem. He’s a good kid and always willing to work odd jobs for a few bucks. I respect that.

However, the boxes and all the little random items that are in shelves, cabinets and closets are all getting moved by myself and my 9 year old.

I’m so physically exhausted and a bit disappointed that neither my sister nor parents have offered one bit to help. Granted, the offer of help was mentioned in passing. Something along the lines of “oh we will help you with you the pathfinder (SUV) to move all the boxes.” But then my aunt’s funeral came around and I was put on the back burner, as is the normal process of my life.

Now, please don’t get me wrong. I am in no way blaming the funeral of my aunt. That was a hard loss for all of us. What I am saying is that this is always how it happens. I’m next in line to get SOME kind of attention from anyone in my family or anyone in general, then something else, of higher importance takes over. Whether it be a funeral, wedding or just my sister demanding for me to help her hook up with someone she had a huge crush on 8 years ago, through Facebook. Oh I helped her do that but never, in the process of helping her, did she offer to help me.

This is just the way my life has gone. I have never felt important to anyone. Not even my own mother. Everytime I call her, some random person in her family or something is pulling her attention away from the few moments I get. This could be selfish thinking on my part, I know. But it just seems that something is always more important that me in regards to the people who are supposed to love me.

a-divider

imagesCA6XTF4FThis may be why Eeyore is the 1st on a list of 4 of my favorite Disney characters. I can relate to Eeyore and the plight that he goes through. Eeyore is known for walking around with a dark, rainy cloud constantly following him and raining on him. He lives in his Gloomy Place in the Hundred Acre Wood.

He builds his house of sticks which gets knocked down by Winnie the Pooh  and Piglet because they thought his house was just a plain old pile of sticks (Metaphor: His belongings are not deemed important). Of course Pooh and Piglet re-built Eeyore’s Stick house. How nice of them.

I’ve connected with this character for as long as I can remember. My pin trading obsession started with a little Eeyore glittery pin. Then I decided I wanted every single Eeyore plushie on the planet and tried to achieve that:

Eeyores

Above is a photo of all my Eeyores and that photo is many years old. Granted, the obsession got expensive and I had to put my collection to a halt but it did grow after this photo. Those Eeyores are now in a plastic bag in my closet. I will take them out again some day. I do have my favorites still near me though.

I have been made fun of, per say, because of my “gloom” and “why does it always have to happen to me” attitude. I will admit, I have not taken on this attitude in a while as I try very hard, as of late, to remain positive and focused. But each bout of depression gets harder and harder to climb out of. The hole it resides in gets deeper and deeper and I find I’m clawing my way just to reach the light at the surface, only to be punched down again by some unseen circumstance or the utter feeling of loneliness.

I’m exhausted and tired. I’ve read of people being hospitalized because of actual physical exhaustion, but it is my heart that might get me hospitalized because my heart, is so tired. I don’t mean heart attack type tired. I just feel like its dormant, stagnant. Just there to keep me alive.

However, I definantly can’t be lying in a hospital. I have a kid to take care of.  I have to go to work or The Boy starves because I am the only bread-winner in our little family. I have to get up and keep the house or The Boy lives in squalor because there is no one else around to clean up for him. That kind of pressure is enough to make one collapse with guilt.

So just like Eeyore, I am still here. However, above me is the dark, gloomy and rainy cloud which constantly rains down its sorrows. I never see the sunshine. I don’t know the love of anyone special. I am alone and can only show The Boy how to NOT end up, as an Eeyore.

Hello darkness….my old friend…

Sadness, grief, regret.

So much regret.

I just found an old boyfriend on Facebook, someone I had been looking for, for a while. He is married, JUST married and now that ONE decision I made almost 13 years ago hit me so hard I burst into tears. Tears so hard that they stung my eyes. I’ve cried so much no more is coming out.

As I mentioned before, I am divorced, 9 years ago. The man I married, then divorced was one of two men I could have chosen.  He never loved me, he said that himself. He never even wanted to get married.

Needless to say I did not choose wisely.

Who was the other man you might ask?

Well the one I found FB just moments ago, married, smiling happily with his wife in their little profile photo.

Me? I’m all alone…not one friend. So fat and ugly that no one would care a snit about me.

This is the moment when I say fuck my life.

There is a moment, a split second when you realize everything won’t be ok. The “God has a plan” really seems like a bald face lie told by people who just don’t want to hear you whining anymore. Oh really? Then God’s plan is to ensure that I live the next 40+ years in the utter darkness of Lonelyville? Really? Then He can take me now…I’ll pass on that life.

There is no “plan” for the future. Just loneliness. A long dark road heading straight to loneliness.

Loneliness

I would like to take a step back and discuss loneliness.

I’m 36, as I think I’ve said before and 20 years ago I never would have imagined I would be as lonely in my current life as I am now. I mean, I know I have the boy and he’s great. But I have no friends.

And by NO friends I mean NOT ONE SINGLE friend. I mean, I have people online I talk to but they aren’t friends you call up and say “hey come over for dinner and lets play cards” or something like that.

I have ZERO friends.

It is sad really. And I’m kinda embarrassed to admit this. I don’t know of a single person who has not one friend. Now I did have friends in my past. One in particular, my best friend, the one who would have come over to play cards with me, died in 06 when we were 29 after her 10 year battle with cancer. (Screw that disease).

So the only friend that would have been that one true friend, which is what I was meant to have, died. Next in line was a husband who hated me, hence, was an a-hole to me, hence, the divorce was not far after the wedding. So I wasn’t going to have a husband/best friend there.

Then I became a mother and I just threw myself into being a mother kinda the way one can throw themselves into a bottle of bourbon. To forget.

I was trying to forget the fact that I had not one single friend.

9 years into motherhood and I still am stuck in the reality that I have not one single friend.

This makes me a sad panda and some days increases the depression.

However, on another note, I have noticed that because I’m a “plain jane” (I have trouble with makeup as it burns my eyes, same as contacts) I don’t attract anyone, but more specifically males as they are pretty much all about looks and rarely look past the cover.

*sigh* oh well

I had to see it to believe it…

I guess I will document what I found to be Disney sliding down its slippery slope of decline.

At my last Saturday visit to the parks, I had fast passes for 10:00 Indiana Jones.

I was in line to show my fast pass when a couple slid by us, a couple in front of me and a few others and then slid by the Cast Member checking fast pass times. They walk up the ramp to the top, just in front of me, where the second Cast Member is taking Fast Passes. When this CM asks for their fast passes this couple did not have a fast pass. Well that is because, they never showed it to the first CM and got past her.

So, the guy in this couple pretends to not know English and not even know what a fast pass is (how are you at Disneyland all day and not know what a Fast Pass is? Even if they were AP’ers, everyone knows what a Fast Pass is.). The CM asks him to look for it, he looks, more like faking to look, in his wallet and nothing, of course.

The CM, shrugs and just lets them go by. Let me repeat that, a DISNEYLAND CAST MEMBER AT INDIANA JONES let a couple cut a 40 minute line just because they faked not knowing English and this CM just didn’t want to deal with the issue. If she didn’t want to hold up the line anymore, she could have asked them to move aside, then called the lead.

I tell her as she takes my fast pass that the couple did not have fast passes and that they skirted past the CM at the front. She shrugs.

I tell the next CM I see about the incident and point out the couple…he basically shrugs it off.

I tell a third CM at the loading area about the incident and point the couple out again and not only does she shrug it off but laughs about it.

Finally, at the exit of the ride, I catch a lead CM and tell him. Not only did he shrug it off, laugh and then say “it happens” but hey, he did say sorry. (WTF?!)

I’ve read about the decline of Disney and how rules are no longer being administered but have never seen it first hand, until last Saturday.

I will now be taking my money, free time and amusement park trips to Universal, where I got a year pass this past Christmas and be utilizing it often. Or just find other types of adventures. I’m excited about Sea World and now that I have my camera there are tons of places waiting to be photographed!

Will I still frequent Disney? Of course, my pass expires in August. Will I renew? That would have to be no. The Disney of 2004, when I got my first Annual Pass is NOT the same Disney of today, not even close.

Disney is shaming Walt’s dream by allowing the cheats of this world to win.

This…is why I keep my distance… Edit

So, last night I told my mother of my Seaworld trip and how excited I was…..guess what kind of response I got from her…. “why can’t your father and I go” and “you can’t go alone” . I try to explain that this is my annual trip for just the boy and me but that wasn’t cutting it. I decided to let her rant, in public and I just sat there. My sister was not to amused with her attitude as well and….oh miracle of miracles….my sister was actually on my side.

And my mother wonders why I am detaching from her. These statements even got my kid a bit down as he is super excited to.

The woman is so over worked caring for my senile father and refuses to get help for her insomnia that she gets barely 1-2 hours of sleep a night. She really is a bear to be around sometimes because of her lack of sleep.  We were having a dinner out last night for a school fundraiser and she was scowling the whole time…complaining about the noise. Its frustrating and I always regret inviting her but know that if she found out I didn’t it would be worse for me.

I really try to keep my favors from her to a minimum because they come with such a heavy emotional price and I really just try to avoid her at all costs.

I am so excited about this Seaworld trip mostly because I get to bring my camera and get amazing photos! I think she is jealous that I am taking trips like this because she is stuck at home with a man who wants to do nothing. She was young once and traveled every year to tons of places, I remember those trips.

I’m just done with the negativity and I leave it at that.

If you have my kid…….

This is one of the things that irks me when my mother has my child and takes him on an outing miles and miles away.

I always have to pester her about regularly contacting me throughout the day on how things are. My parents took my boy to Universal today and I have heard nothing but “we arrived” with a photo about 4 hours ago.

Call me a crazy protective mother but when going to a BIG amusement park WITH my only boy child..you WILL keep me posted regularly, throughout the day on how things are. That requires you simply texting me…something short. It really isn’t that hard?!

Is this to much to frickn’ ask!?!

And so I just texted her about 30 minutes ago…no response.

EDIT: and FINALLY got a picture of the boy eating pizza after I had to prompty her with a text to please send me something on how things are going. Ok whew….I can relax a little…

A year is long enough to take a break?

Yeah maybe.. So I return only because I have no where else to be annonymous on this world wide web. My birthday will come and go again and I will spend it alone except this time by choice. I’m tired of dealing with self centered family who are so strung up in themselves they don’t figure out they are hurting others and then when the mirror is put in front of them go..”oh it’s you..you are perceiving it that way” to make me look like the crazy one. But I refuse to make myself the center of attention simply because I think I deserve it or just for the sake of bringing attention to myself.

Color me Selfish

So, I must be the queen of the kingdom of selfish.

I don’t think I agree that one should neglect getting to know others because they get distracted or won’t step away from the game. And that is coming from an avid gamer!! If I had the option of getting to know a wonderful person and potentially ending my lonely nights of crying, I would take the TIME to try.

I try so hard to be positive and attentive when in a conversation but its always over looked.

I have so much joy and fun to offer someone but, I fear I will never be able to give it.

wait a minute…so I’m SUPPOSED to care?

That title has absolutely no reason  for existing.

Once again, money is not an option but a treasure. I am sick of not having it. I’m sick of jobs not paying what they should and companies were are cheap bastards but…it won’t all matter when I’m up with the Lord.

I just take care of what I need to. Enjoy my life with my kid and watch him grow because if it wasn’t for that…what kind of existence would this be.

I love my new Samsung Galaxy! I Love being able to stream music, check my email or facebook and take photos! I have moved onto the phone technology of the century.

I just realized I need to get out to Disneyland for the Halloween rides before it ends. Must ride Ghost Galaxy/Space Mountain :)

Cats, relationships and why relationships can’t be like cats

I actually have a blank mind today. I guess I could write about how pissed I was because my cat pooped in my closet..ON my shoes. But it was my fault. I guess I had inadvertently closed the door to my bed room , therefore locking him in and not allowing him  his litter. What else was the poor animal gonna do. So I blame myself. But man does that stuff stink. But I love my S. (the cat).

I guess I should elaborate my short terms for things. The boy is my child, S. is my cat, E. is my sister and the woman is my mother.  Or more like..the woman who bore me and then proceeded to make sure I succeed in nothing. But I’m trying to stray from harsh feelings about all that. I have no real friends so you will never hear of any of those. And I’m not exaggerating about that. I do not have a single friend. I have co-workers, a few online contacts but no friends. I am not married so I don’t have a spouse to talk with. I’m not in an adult relationship period. It’s just my child and I. I have mixed feelings about that. I mean, my stuff is mine, my money is mine, my bills are mine, but I have no one to share anything with. I got out my sister but it isn’t the same.

The man I thought I loved and married only to have him confessed he never loved me, ever…he was it for me. Then when I pushed out his kid, he preferred not to have anything to do with him either. So he ran faster than a cat with it’s tail on fire (again..the cat reference. Gotta respect the title!)

Not only do I not believe a word any man says..I doubt just about every person that walks the face of this earth. I don’t wish to give up on love…in fact, I don’t. I give up on people. But sometimes I don’t. Remember..I ramble..deal.

And somewhere up in that big blue sky, God laughs at my lonliness. And I’m just supposed to believe “it all happens for a reason” yeah ok…I guess the reason is that God laughs in the skies at me? I have no clue and don’t mean to blaspheme the Lord…it’s just a mystery.

So my office is letting us go at 1 today instead of 4. I still won’t make it to my son’s 12:30 awards ceremony. The joys of being  single mother having to work..I pretty much feel like I’m missing out on everything that has to do with my son…fantastic….sarcasm.

I’m debating what to do over this long weekend. This is what I want to do. Tonight, eleTRONica to dance with the boy. Tomorrow, a trip to  Mount Baldy to hike, Sunday and early morning trip to open Disneyland, Monday rest.

Will that happen? Probably not because sometimes my life is not my own.