Life is unpredictable and predictable

I remember back in the day (tag weight lost link)…I started at 245 lbs. Over the course of almost 2 years, I lost 70 of it.  That 70 has slowly and steadily been creeping back on.  It’s all about monitoring what goes in my mouth and SERIOUSLY not giving in to the shit that is out there.  And walking…walking walking…walking works for me.  Because of my back injury which I believe was due to 30 minutes on the Elliptical every day, I can not longer work out with weights nor on the Elliptical. So I walk.  That is all I can do.

But then that means I pretty much eat…well nothing.  I just can’t. As I get older my body is begging to process it’s shut down.  A cheeseburger from Jack in the Crack weighs me down for days and I mean days.  I’m doing more smoothies and a detox.  But other than that, there is really nothing more I can do.  My body is just….getting old. And it’s showing signs of wear and tear.  That can’t be helped.

But as of this morning, after years of up and down…I’m back up to 210lbs. I’m so tired of fighting genetics…so tired.


Ok, so you will be on 525 calories a day….

I started this blog back in 2013 when I started a long and endless journey of weight loss. I chose the medical route but not surgery.  I got vitamin injections and medication.  I also cut out carbs completely and stopped fast food entirely.  It worked and over the span of a little over a year, I lost 70 lbs.  Spring of 2014 was the biggest highlight of this journey.  I was in a size 8, I was happy and even took a fun trip with my son to Hearst Castle.  We had an awesome and memorable time that even he still reminisces about.


This is no joke at all and not far from the truth.

But as they say, when you rise high, you fall far.  And I did.  I do realize that this is a lifetime thing, being conscious of weight and what is going in my mouth but really sometimes it seems so exhausting.  I do firmly believe that thin women, who don’t have the natural genetic ability of a super fast metabolism, literally eat nothing.

I will be 40 years old in exactly two months (shit….) and I’ve gained 43 pounds of the initial 70 I lost.  The feeling that comes with those pounds is utter devastation and just plain feeling sick, sluggish and tired.  It can’t really be described.  My stomach is bloated and everything feels puffy even down to my toes and ankles.  Even my fingers look like little wrinkled sausages.  It literally feels like I was ripped apart and put back together wrong.

Now that I have finalized my move here to Idaho and I am getting settled in my apartment, staying on top of my kid and his schooling, settling into my job and finances, I decided to do something about this.  I started a Super Colon Cleanse and an Antioxidant Detox as well, to just flush shit out…literally.

I also visited a clinic not to different than the first clinic I started this journey at.  They give the vitamin shots which is a cocktail mixture of B-12, B-6, Folic Acid, B Complex, and Vitamin C.  They also offer the appetite suppressants but they also offered something else ….HCG.  I hear they work but have to be careful when they get stopped which is after about 3 months of a weekly shot.  The weight can climb back on quickly.  I tried it for about a month when I first arrived here in June and they worked.  I want to start the program fresh again and finish it out.tumblr_inline_na05welx6q1qdr3t3

Honestly, I just want to de-bloat and get rid of this general feeling of being disconnected from my own body.  Everything fits me tight and I’m walking around feeling like a stuffed sausage, with glubs of fat rolling out of my clothes.  Speaking of clothes…I have none that fit right so I’m sure I look ridiculous at work.  It really does disgust me.

I can’t go back to the workout routine I had before which consisted of 30 minutes on the elliptical and 20 minutes of weight lighting done 4-5 days a week.  My herniated disc injury and low back weakness won’t allow for that.   I can barely do Power Walking a bit uphill on a treadmill.  I’m going to try and fit in 20 minutes on the Elliptical 2 times a week.  But if I do anymore, my body begins to hurt.

But if my output is going to be greatly reduced, then that means my input must also do that same.

SO we get to the title of this entry.  At my initial visit to the clinic yesterday, I was told exactly that. “Your daily calorie intake will be 525”


That has to be the lowest I’ve ever been told to intake!!  She explained it was because the HCG shots do something with the fat cells or something like that. I should probably research before I dive in but I’ll be fine.  I know my body and I know what works and what doesn’t.

She did give me a grocery list that would embrace this 525 calorie a day diet (still reading that blows my mind….).  It’s a lot of fruit, oatmeal, yogurt and water water water and just a bit more water.  I’m going to break out my Nutribullet again and start my smoothies with a bit of Whey protein in them along with the fruit.

So the conclusion is this.  In my world, to not be fat, I must intake nothing of substance.  I must move everyday (I can deal with that).  I must also become obsessed about food and what goes down my gullet.

Fun times….

A Glitch in the weight loss Matrix….do you wish to re-boot?

There was a HUGE glitch in the Matrix….

After going through my painful ordeal, the exercise stopped and the eating started.  All I did was lie down, dormant, stuffing my face with fast food. Blegh…..

I gained 25 lbs from my lowest weight.

I is a Sad Panda

sad panda

But that’s ok.  I’m on the road to recovery and in a better place mentally for it.

I started the low carbs diet, reduced calorie intake and jumped back on the treadmill for 30 minute medium paced walking sessions, 4 times a week.

Last week I started at 195 lbs.  Today, I’m down 3 lbs.

I’m determined to keep that scale going in the right direction.  Because not only is it for health and looks, but it’s for my back.  Apparently, as my herniated disc so skillfully told me, my spine can’t take being severely overweight.  So unless I want to end up back in Painville, I lose and maintain the health.

I run because I hate my body…..

If anyone has every ventured onto the Network TLC they may recognize the show “My 600 lb Life”. These stories are sad yet so true. The torment that goes on with someone who struggles with weight and relationships with food can be devastating. And it is a life long struggle, not a quick fix….life f-ing long

I am one of them. No, I didn’t have 300+ lbs to lose….only about 100 at the most. After two years of constantly monitoring what I put into my face, after two years of working out regularly (meaning 3-4 times a week), after two years of yelling at the donuts and bread bowls that literally prance their irresistibility at me, I’m steady at a 65-70 lb loss. Maintaining it is the worst, let alone trying to lose the last 30 to get to 100 lbs total lost.

I now understand why thin and fit people don’t eat and why exercise is a daily part of their daily routine. It HAS to be. It literally HAS to be. That is unless, one is magically born with metabolism faster than the speed of light. I never adopted that ability and as I get older, my metabolism dwindles to the speed of grass growing.

However, do not think that I am in any way complaining. In fact, it is the quite opposite. Losing this much weight and changing living habits and food choices has shown a whole different side of myself I never knew in my 38 years of being on this planet.

7ea8ded7acfc79dbc93c538b291d7e18So to explain the title of this post, “I run because I hate my body” yes, that is true. I hate my body. I hate and I’m so MAD at the gene pool I was given. This pool is filled with obesity, diabetes, cancer, alcoholism, Alzheimer’s and many more of the life threatening ailments that can kill a person. I fight genetics daily or at least try to because there are some things that I can’t help. But what I CAN help…I will do my best to help. I yell at the donuts that are by my coffee pot at work. I muster all my energy to go on that 2 mile run each day and find the tools to make it just a bit easier…..but only just a bit.

One of those tools is a wonderful app that I’ve discovered called Zombies Run!  unnamedCA3G3JZCThis has to be the best migration of making exercise an actual GAME. It’s like the gamer’s dream come true! Well it was THIS gamer’s dream come true anyway. But go look …’ll see what I mean. I use that app on every run I go on and evade the Zombies as I go. It was the best $3.99 I’ve spent in the Google Play store…ever!

Another tool I use from this modern world age of technology is Fitness Pal.unnamedCA6ELWCV  It is a calorie counter and if I’ve learned only one thing on this journey it is that if one were to monitor every single thing put into their mouth….one would realize how much junk is going into their body. It really is an eye opener.

However, I think after these two years, it’s nice to know that I am a runner…even though I thought I wasn’t. I’m up to running for up to 10 minutes at a time. Granted, it is more of a jog at about 4.0 pace but I’m telling you, that Zombies Run! Game helps! Every once in a while, Zombies will chase me and I have to speed it up and I pick up necessary supplies for my base camp as I run. Helps to keep motivation at it’s highest and helps the time go by faster, that is for sure.


But basically ….this….all in good humour!

I will continue to try and lose the last 30 lbs to get to my goal weight but for now.  I don’t think I want to ever see 250 lbs again…ever…..ever.

Of course, I’m still attending to and raising The Boy.  He has now switched from wanting to play Hockey to now wanting to start Baseball.  I got him into a Little League just last week and he starts in March.  I live to serve that kid…..brat!  Naw…I would do anything for that….brat! Ha! He’s my world!

I’m not dating, nor do I think I ever will.  I have come to realize that, apparently, a woman who is the following is not attractive to men at all:

1) A women who would rather go to a Lord of The Rings Movie AND knows all the lore and back story than make a man go shoe shopping AND hold her purse, is not attractive.

2) A woman who would rather play video games on the Xbox One is not attractive.

3) A woman who is not that bad looking and now has a pretty good body is not attractive.

I have just pretty much described myself.  I am such a geek/gamer “know all the history of The Walking Dead, Marvel characters AND most video games” woman that I even blow my own mind! Go ahead, ask me anything about Legend of Zelda.  I don’t care how it looks!

It is incredible that I haven’t snatched up some guy.  Nope…apparently men like the ditzy blondes with big boobs (even though I can claim that to…) and no brains (that is something I will never claim though).  If that is the case, they shouldn’t complain when that ditzy blonde makes you go shoe shopping.  I guess they will do what ever other man (and woman to for that matter) will do…cheat.

So no, I will never date….because apparently, I’m TO much of a geek.  I guess?

And this……………Gamestop………….is SOOO true.  But I swear male heads explode when I say I ALSO am a Pro Rewards Member…..sheesh…..

I would like to close this post with one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite movies.

League of their own quote

“The idea of Summmer…and all things….HOT…”

Yeah, I just couldn’t think of a title but oh how much I love that Snowman!

If you are reading this, you might want to make sure you have the time and grab a coffee and pull up a chair.  This might be a long update.

So, this morning, I drop off The Boy at before care and the room is all dark and every single child is staring at the tv and singing along to our favorite Snowman….

I proudly announced that his voice and that “Summer” song is my ring tone…I have no shame!  I love that Snowman!

Happy Anniversary!  You registered on 1 year ago! Thanks for flying with us. Keep up the good blogging!

Yes, it has been 1 year that I’ve had this WordPress blog open. It doesn’t seem that long yet, it kinda does. I think that may be because of the massive amount of writing I’ve put into this thing and how much of my life history I’ve revealed.

4th Grade Project

THearstCastle-712894his month is 4th grade project month.  Apparently, 4th graders are no longer tied down to doing just a Mission located here in California.  At least my kid’s school isn’t requiring a California Mission.  We get to choose any California landmark we desire.  I decided….oh I mean THE BOY….decided Hearst Castle in San Simeon, CA.  How the HELL I’m going to make a model of this thing now has me worried that I may have bit off more than I can chew…but it’s THE BOY’s project…right? It doesn’t reflect at ALL on me..right?


But regardless, I will try to create the front of the Castle, some trees in front then the Neptune Pool.  The pool I already have an idea of how it’s going to be made.  It’s the Castle I’m worried about.  But supply shopping will soon commence at the Walmart and Micheals.

It’s due May 7, so I have a good month to do this….ahem..I mean THE BOY has a good month to do his project…


I’m still, miraculously, losing weight.  There are ups and downs.  I got on the scale one week and gained 8 lbs, then got on it again the next week and lost the 8 and a few more.  So it’s hard to gauge what will happen but it doesn’t matter.  As long as I can still run on that treadmill, breathe when going up stairs and fit into a size 8.

And that I NEVER see that scale tell me 245 lbs ever again.

I have not visited the clinic nor got an injection for a month now.  I’ve also been completely off the appetite suppressants.  However, I may return to the clinic and pay off the last $200 for another 10 weeks soon.  After, that 10 weeks, if I’m diligent, that should be it for me on losing the initial weight.  Then it’s maintenance from here until I die.  So I will continue to remain 95% carb free, for the rest of my life.  I will constantly monitor portions and make better choices.  I will forever keep my exercise level high.

LilySlim - (hgaY)

But as of this date, I have lost a total of 71 lbs. That is more than what The Boy weighs!  And, I’m not longer in the “Obese” section of the BMI charts. I’m simply “overweight” now…..

So apparently a size 6/8 and looking like this….is overweight.  But hey, at least I’m not “Obese” anymore!

Yeah...I hate selfies...ugh...

Yeah…I hate selfies…ugh…


Well surprise surprise!!..…a family member has officially been cut off and guess what.…IT ISN’T ME!

In the past it would have been me considering some of the crap I’ve pulled.  But it isn’t, (BTW, the relationship between myself and my mother is GREATLY improved.  She still sometimes says things that I have to roll my eyes at but I’m able to do just that and it’s all good).

My aunt, my mother’s sister, is officially cut off, monetarily and emotionally, with anything to do with myself, my sister and our mother and father.  There will no longer be any interaction between us and her.  If she has the gall to call my mother up on the future asking for money or whatever, my mother has been instructed by myself and my sister that she is to not answer the phone, lest she desires to feels our wrath.

Believe me when I say that this decision was tossed around a lot and has lots of merit behind it.  My aunt has burned her last bridge with these latest shenanigans she pulled.

My mother’s other sister, has also cut their sister off in the capacity listed above.  I am actually not going to go into detail because, even though it included a possible legal battle and my aunt just being a manipulator and pathological liar, it is very convoluted and honestly, to embarrassing to even admit here.Who opened the closet

I know one thing is for sure regarding my family.  I am REALLY sick and tired of new “skeletons” that keep coming out of our family closet every so often.  With this new debacle, even more skeletons have come out and honestly, I don’t know who or WHAT to believe anymore.

I’m just glad that my son isn’t near some of the “skeletons” and I just want to be done with it all.

I so desire to shake my family tree of all its skeletons and bury their bones forever.


Life will always continue to surprise me and people surprising me is no exception.  As my aunt has surprised us all by betraying the family, my ex-husband surprised me to the point of humility.

Wait…does anyone know what temperature it is in HELL!?


So, back in December, I decided I needed to go back to court to get the ex to pay a bit more child support only because, according to our current incomes, he should be paying about $400 more a month.  So I got that started, got my previous attorney to work on it and got it filed.  Earlier this week, my attorney tells me that my ex got his own lawyer and wants to negotiate….ugh.

I think the worst. I mean what is there to negotiate?! If he thinks he can weasel back into The Boy’s life after 8 years of nothing just so he can pay less in child support….screw that!  I know that is the worst possible scenario, but that is where my mind went and, apparently, it didn’t need to.

Long story short, I spoke with my ex yesterday and he agrees to all that I have requested, which is the higher monthly child support payment and the $600 he owes me from a washing machine we bought back when we were married that he was ordered to pay and never did.

I think my jaw literally fell to the floor.

Am I being tricked?

Is he lying?

Did I land in Bizzarro World?!?!


Well, no I don’t believe he is lying.  I think he knows that if it goes to court, a judge would “hand him his ass on a platter” as a new friend of mine so poetically and precisely put it.  I would assume, he is just laying down the sword and realizing his defeat.

I know that gloating and pride are not qualities that God promotes and being a women of faith I would rather not gloat but I have to say that for the first time in 10 years, I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted off me and that this particular fight is just about over and I may have won.  Now, I won’t be so naïve as to think that something else might not come up as life has many plot twists but my ex only has 8 more years to be obligated to pay child support and I believe that this issue of an increase might come up one more time before the 8 years are up, but until then, I am the victor.


So that ended rather amicably and a HUGE weight has been lifted off me because this Boy is getting SUPER expensive what with torn jeans every few weeks, new shoes every month and hockey gear…I barely have money to get myself $1.99 Suave shampoo!


  • I miss Disneyland visits so much.  I don’t see a renewal of a pass anytime in the future.
  • The Walking Dead, Season 4 is over…and if you don’t know what I’m talking about, that’s ok.  If you do and haven’t seen it…don’t get mad at me when I say I would turn into EXACTLY  the same kind of person Rick has turned into.  And yes, I would have ripped that guys throat out with my teeth…if he was attacking my kid and double yes, I would have stabbed my kid’s would be attacker 50 million times.  Rick did exactly what I would have done, to protect my child.
  • New Season of Game of Thrones starts Sunday!
  • So! Who is taking me to go see Captain America! The Boy doesn’t want to see it but I do! Who’s coming with me?!?!


Lastly, I would like to give a shout out and I hope that this person doesn’t mind me giving him a shout out.

At one point in my life, just after losing my best friend, I honestly thought that God did not intend for me to develop any kinds of friendships.  I couldn’t find anyone that matched the connection that she and I had.  I believe that we were soul mates but not in the romantic sense.  More in a sisterly bond sense, yet we shared not one drop of blood.

However, along the way I have run into some truly fascinating people who are genuine, kind and willing to make a connection.  Some have stuck around in my life (cue in a wonderful couple who live up north who I think are the best EVER! And yes, I will give Elder Scrolls a chance).  But for the most part, it’s been a lonely life that I have built many walls around.  So, to make a new friend is a huge positive for me.


I would just like to tell this person, and you know who you are, thank you SOOO much for giving me a chance, being patient and breaking down the walls I’ve built up around me.  I know that as individuals, we run into many people on a daily basis, not knowing anything about them.  We affect them by our actions and you have affected me tremendously.  You are the positive friendship that my little weak faith needed, in God and in people.

Thank you so much for listening to me this past week.  You have NO idea how just being able to get things off my chest has helped me.  I greatly appreciate all the effort you’ve put into getting to know me.  You are a truly blessed person and the friendship we are building is important to me.

And with that, until the next time, that is all for now.


Weight loss update and a trip to the E.R.

It’s turning into a monthly weigh in update, even though I am weighing in every week.

I have been at this for almost a year (May).  I’m officially in a size 8 and what I find funny is that according to the BMI charts, I guess a size 8 is considered OBESE because I’m STILL in the OBESE range of the BMI charts.

Those charts can kiss my ass.

Anyway, I really don’t even remember what I felt like this time last year, kind of.  I know what I looked like because I’ve seen the photos and I remember not being able to breathe going up 5 steps or trying to get through just ONE song on my Wii Just Dance (something that I don’t get slightly winded, even after about 10 songs).  I guess what I don’t remember is just being the old me.33ffee062ec7ee70a30d7342690db639

I am now at a weight I haven’t been since about 10 years ago.  And being that I’ve incorporated weight lifting (which I’ve been doing for about 6 months now) and power uphill walking and running, I am noticing muscles I never knew I had.  I’m getting some killer arms to, thanks to the weight lifting.

However, all this will not stop genetics….Last Tuesday, I called 911, on myself.

I had been feeling light headed all day when going from a sitting to standing position and I felt like I had an elephant on my chest.  I just ignored it, as I usually do, and went about my business.

That night, I go to bed then my stomach suddenly hurt, like knives were being pushed into my stomach.  I made my way to the bathroom but then started to realize that I was going to pass out.  I got cold, and not just like a “oh I’m cold” feeling.  It literally felt like my blood turned ice cold.

I really thought I was having a heart attack and I was going to meet Jesus.

Thinking that I do NOT want The Boy to get up, as he was asleep in my bed, in the middle of the night and trip over my unconscious or possibly dead body, I knew I had to contact someone before I gave up the ghost.

I called my mother and according to her, she said at one point I blacked out because I stopped talking and the phone went dead.  I do remember calling her but not hanging up with her and I only remember tid bits of calling 911 and I couldn’t give them my address nor the name of my apartment complex because I could barely speak.  Things were getting black and hazy.

I made it back to my bed and my limbs began to tingle.  Next thing I know, 4 or 5 firemen and paramedics are in my room.  They were talking to The Boy (who handled all of this wonderfully, I might add) and they even gave him a little fireman’s hat.  The paramedics took my blood pressure.  It was low. But my heart and lungs were fine.

thCAS942INFast forward, I take a trip in the Ambulance to the E.R. and spend the next few hours in a bed there while they take my blood, get urine samples, x-ray my chest and check my heart again, all of which were fine.

Diagnosis: The elephant I felt on my chest all day, was acid reflux.  Fantastic….

The episode I had of cold and numbness….a panic attack.   Even better….

So, I came to the conclusion that weight loss isn’t my only problem.  Apparently, it is genetic that digestion problems, such as acid reflux, runs in the family.  I am getting that checked.  Although I don’t know what triggered it because I eat NO fast food, NO fried and NO fatty.  I am monitoring what else may have done it.  I’ve been fine since then though.  That was a week and a few days ago.

A funny “what the hell is that story?!?” stemming from my paranoia of an E.R. visit.  A few days ago I was lying down in my bed, my hands were on my stomach.  I then stretched and my fingers felt this lump just to the right of my upper stomach.  I feel a bit more going “damnit what now?” and hoping I wasn’t growing a tumor.  Then I realized what I was feeling… ribs.

That’s right folks.  I have NEVER seen nor felt my ribs since I can’t even remember.  I would guess since I was a child?  But there they were, my ribs.  Of course, I was stretching so they were more visible but it was a laughable moment indeed.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

6 more lbs down!
Total: 66 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Weekly Weigh In – I’m back on track

I am back into my routine after a 6 lb gain over the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays.  The gain was mainly because I didn’t exercise for a long period of time due to my lower back going out and getting the flu at the beginning of December.  And of course the holiday goodies didn’t help.

I am just about back to the weight I was before the holidays and starting fresh.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

 4 lbs down!
Total: 60 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts


Holidays Weigh In

Ugh..just ugh.  My last Weigh in post was here and it was a LONG time ago.  October 28th, to be exact.

This will qualify as a “Weigh In” entry but it will also qualify as a “oops..let’s get back on this train” plea to myself.  However, trying to stay on the bright side, this post is the first of all the weight loss posts I’ve been doing since May that is negative in the fact that I’ve gained weight back in the past 2 months.

I think one of the things I’ve come to HATE most about my eternal life of constant monitoring of food that goes in and exercise that goes out, is that the weight can ALWAYS come back and you better believe it will come back threefold.

I was hit with my first holiday season and tried very hard.  During Thanksgiving, I tried to keep away from the carbs and do more protein.  It kind of worked.

The first two weeks of December, I got the flu and my lower back went out forcing me to stop exercising.  Just last week, I’ve been back to 3-4 times a week on the treadmill and lifting weights.

Last night, realizing that I’m back in my exercise routine and fully recovered from my lower back pain (kinda) and the flu, I got on the scale in the work out room.  I was thrown back into reality.  According to that scale, I have gained 4 lbs since the beginning of November.

I have just returned from the Medical Clinic that started me on this road back in May and yes, the weight gain is 4 lbs.  I’ve adjusted my ticker to the right to reflect such and I will go from there.  I have paid for another 10 weeks of appetite suppressants and vitamin injections at the clinic and will kick start this again.  On the positive side, at least I’m starting at a much lower weight than 245 and puts me THAT much closer to my goal.


Upon reflection though, in the past, when I’ve come to this certain fork in the road when I see the weight creeping back and the food takes over, usually what happens is I give up.  The weight returns and then about 40 more lbs follow it.  That is how I reached 245 in the first place.

I looked at those numbers, realizing, it’s only FOUR lbs.  However, over time, 4 can easily turn into 40.  I will not allow this.  I know me.  If I allowed myself to get fat again, that would be the end of my mental state, my energy, my motherhood and life on many levels.  I know me….gaining it back, would kill me on the inside and work it’s way out.

This weight loss has opened up my eyes to so many things and not just on the “looks” part of it or fitting into a size 8 for the first time in…well ever!  My health is the best it’s been in years,  my monthly visitor is MUCH more manageable (believe me, that in itself is enough to not falter.  I dreaded Aunt Flo every month and the mess she always created).

The bottom line is…I will not let food win.  I will not let the little peanut butter and chocolate squares sitting just inches from my desk right now, win.  I have a divorce court date coming up in either February or March (more on THAT in another post) and I will NOT let my ex-husband or even my divorce attorney see a defeated and fat single mother.

Most importantly, God did NOT imbue in me the strength I’ve mustered since May to lose 60 lbs just to waste it away and gain it back.  I’m tired of disappointed God and I’m sure He’s tired of it to.  Sometimes, I feel it’s the only thing I can give back to Him since I tend to hold grudges on His choices on how my life is going BUT that is another post as well.

On the more selfish side, my sister has lost 10 lbs since she started at a medical clinic for weight loss and I CAN’T let her win!  I mean that in healthy good competition.  For the first time in years….I have the upper hand in our relationship and I’m winning.  In the past, she always won everything from earning our parents love more to buying her own home and everything in between.  In this, I WON…and it will stay that way.  Besides, my weight loss encouraged her to start her own weight loss and she really needed it.  I believe her mental state about herself was worse than me and what made it worse is that she held it all in and puts up so many wallsthat even I, her sister, can’t punch through them.  Weight loss would benefit her even more than me.

For the first time, ever, in the battle of my fat that began when I was 12 years old….I AM IN FUCKING CONTROL.

Weekly Weigh In – Changed things up a bit..

I did something different this time.  I did not check in at the clinic this past Friday.  My 10 weeks there are up and I will have to pay for another round of 10 weeks but, I think I’m just going to buy the medication separately, which i just take every other day now anyway, and just go in maybe twice a month for the Lipo injection.  I don’t know when I’m going back in though.  I’m tempted to buy another 10 weeks just to keep myself on track for the last 30 or 40 lbs I need to lose.

I did weigh myself on the scale in my apartment’s workout room Saturday morning and I was pleasantly shocked.

What were the results??

 4 lbs lost this week

Total: 59 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

I changed my work out just a bit.  I added another arm weight lifting routine because I am still working on these batwings that appeared.  I’m really hating them especially since I am lifting weights specifically on that target area.  Blegh.

I am also jogging more than just power walking.  I guess it worked because 4 lbs in a week is pretty good.

Weekly Weigh In – I’m officially at a plateau…..

*sigh*  This past Tuesday was probably the worse “binge” day I’ve had since starting this journey back in May.  Not only did I have way to much chocolate cake at work but I ate the In N Out fries my kid didn’t eat that night AND finished his strawberry shake.  And I didn’t work out that evening because that is the evening that I take The Boy to hockey lessons.

The next day, I felt like a weighed down beached whale.  I have to keep reminding myself I am no where NEAR the maintenance point yet, where I can binge every once in a while like that.  I still have a good 50 more lbs to drop.

What happened Tuesday, must never happen again.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

 Nothing this week 😦

Total: 55 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Once again, I have lost nothing.  So, I believe that I’m officially at a plateau.  Today, I lost nothing.  Last week, I lost 2 and the week before, I lost nothing.

And I feel that I have so much further to go.  I know that I’ve come so far but sometimes it seems that the end of this road is getting further and further away with each step of progression I achieve.  It’s such a weird psychological phenomenon.

I need to purchase another 10 weeks at the medical clinic but I may have to put that on hold as I need to find the money from somewhere.  I do want to keep getting the Vitamin injections.  I’m not one to be disciplined enough to take vitamins every day so getting the injections weekly is good for me.  I will have to see what I can do or how I can budget it since now, I owe my step-grandmother about $900 on her Care Credit card that paid for my cat’s hospitalization and meds.

One thing that I haven’t put up in a while is BMI

BMI at starting weight:

BMI 42

BMI at current weight:

BMI 32 190 lbs

I am amazed that I’m STILL in the “Obese” section.  I guess a size 10 is considered obese now?!

But that is what I’m talking about when I say this just seems like a VERY long road.  What weighs heavy on my mind is that I absolutely CAN NOT go back to being fat.  There is WAY to much at risk.  And in all honesty, I made it that way with this blog, with kind of  bragging to others about a significant weight loss.  I gain that all back and I’m just a loser.  I know, I’m not really, it’s just what my inner brain tells me.  So in a way, it’s GOOD that I’ve put myself in this place.  It holds me accountable and that is what is keeping my progression going.

More importantly, The Boy deserves a healthier mom.  I can’t let that kid down.

I must keep losing and stay on track.  There is more at stake here than just looks.  I need to figure out how to get out of this stagnant place.  I am literally 1 lb away from exiting another number milestone.  I might change up my exercise?  Or maybe just not binge on In N Out fries and Strawberry shakes…yeah THAT may be the answer!  Sheesh!

Weekly Weigh In – Hockey here I come!

That’s right!  It’s Hockey time!

Hockey games are now starting.  For those who didn’t follow my blog earlier this year, I go to A LOT of hockey games.  Not the L.A. Kings or Anaheim Ducks, as much as I would love to be able to go to those, but to an ECHL league housed just minutes from my apartment.  For more on that, read this.

I must say, I’m really excited to be back in those Suite or Ice seats, with all the usual fans around, and let them all see the new me.  I usually only take The Boy and we always have the same seats, either in a Suite box or front row, right next to the ice.  I can assure you, there are more men that sit near the ice than women.  I’m just sayin’….*wink*

We are going to a game tomorrow night, ice seats. Yay!

Two small observations…

1) I can actually CROSS my legs comfortably while sitting at my office desk, something I’ve NEVER been able to do.

2) I had to wear a belt with a pair of black dress pants.  Not only did I have to wear a belt, but I put on a belt that I couldn’t even get around my waist a few months ago, let alone actually buckle it to the second hole.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

2 more lbs down!

Total: 55 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Ok, back in business!  I didn’t exercise much this week due to the Kitty crisis.  However, I also had zero appetite because of my worry and stress over the Kitty crisis.  So, maybe it was a good thing I didn’t exercise because I may have emancipated myself!

However, I am almost out of another number range…..almost there!

Weekly Weigh In – Size 10’s, no comments and a clean bill of health!

Size 10’s

Well, I broke down and just went and bought size 10 dress pants.  Remember, this post where I was saying the size 12’s were way to droopy on me.  I got the size 10’s.  Now, granted, they are a bit tight in the waist area but I’m sure that won’t last for long.  The size 12’s were the same way and before a month was through, they just didn’t work anymore.

But they are SIZE 10’s!!!  I haven’t been a size 10 since 15 years ago and even then, I don’t think I was a size 10.  Maybe an 11-12. 🙂

People noticing….

I don’t know if it’s some sort of socially unacceptable practice to never notice or comment when someone has lost a very noticeable amount of weight.  I would think saying “wow…you’ve gotten fat” is A LOT worse than saying “’ve gotten skinny”.  But what do I know?  I’m socially dumb sometimes.

However, I would love it if people actually noticed by commenting.  I mean for all that is GOOD AND HOLY I’VE LOST FRIGGIN 53 POUNDS!  It has GOT to be showing in other peoples’ eyes!  I know I most certainly would not be offended in the least if comments were made.  Of course, the commenter may not know that I wouldn’t be offended, so I understand.

On the flip side, it’s interesting the messages that peoples’ eyes can give out when they notice something very different.  In some cases, such as my co-workers who have see me fat for almost a year, I can see in their eyes that they notice.  I guess that works for me.  And I know that when you see someone every day, as co-workers have, the change is slight compared to not seeing me for months on end and then see the drastic change from 5 months ago to today.

It would be nice if someone said something though.  But I guess I have to rely on the little kids for those kinds of observations.

Clean Bill of Health!

A month ago, I went to the doctor for a normal check up visit.  I actually hadn’t been to the doctor in years.  I was really expecting the worse regarding my ovaries.  Yesterday, I had my follow up appointment for the results of all the blood work, Mammo  and ovary ultrasound.

Apparently, I have a clean bill of health.  The doctor went over all my blood work numbers with me.  Cholesterol and sugar levels are perfect.  The Mammo was normal and my ovaries actual are normal size, not enlarged.  So it baffled me why I was in so much pain last week but I think some months the ovaries work more than other months.

I thought back and realized, never, in all my doctor visits, have I EVER had pretty much nothing wrong with me.  Either my ovaries were enlarged, or my blood work came back with possible Lupus or high cholesterol.

Considering that history, I can ONLY assume that the weight loss is the prime result of good numbers.  I mean, this is the most weight I’ve lost ever and for the longest amount of time.  What other assumption can I make?  The doctor was even a bit taken aback because I was in perfect health.

It’s bizarre really, because I’ve always been a sickly person, always in and out of the hospital for something.  Who’d a thought, fat was the culprit.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

0 more lbs down

Total: 53 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

For the first time, in exactly 5 months, today, I have lost nothing on my Weekly Weigh In.  In fact, I think the nurse recorded that I gained a pound simply because the scale kept jumping up one pound, down one pound and I think she just glanced at the scale when it was up one pound.  In reality, I gained like 3 ounces which probably wouldn’t have shown up had I peed before I weighed in.

I will admit, I am feeling disappointment at no loss, but after reading what I posted above, it’s all good.  I would still like to know what happened this week.  I don’t recall doing anything differently and have worked out 4 times this past week (Sunday-Thursday, except Tuesday).

But hey! A clean bill of health makes up for the disappointment.

I know this is getting long but I also have an interesting photo of me….

My mother found this photo in her iPad about a week ago.  When she showed it to me, the first thing I yelled out (yes I YELLED it out) was “NEVER AGAIN!”  And being that we were in a Japanese Restaurant at the time, I got looks.

This photo was taken in April of this year, 2013.  It was in front of my church and it was with my kid, sister, father and aunt (who I’ve cut out but were all to the right of me in the photo).


245 lbs

Each time I look at it I want to yell out over and over “NEVER AGAIN!!!”  and believe me folks…I look NOTHING and I mean NOTHING like that photo.

My face, there are no more multiple chins and I wear makeup now.

My stomach doesn’t look like I’m 8 months pregnant.

Those jeans…I think those jeans were given to Goodwill about 2 months ago.  Those were the jeans that fell off me once and got me to start stocking up on the smaller sizes just for motivation.  Sizes that I have since worn and some sizes I have since also given to Goodwill or traded in for smaller (see Size 10 comments above).  The top I’m wearing in that photo is long gone to.  It was purchased at a store called Torrid, for plus sizes.  The thing started hanging on me so much that I could practically wear it as a dress.  I gave that to the Goodwill as well, along with all the other 2X tops I had.

Screw the woman in that picture.  That woman looks tired, haggard and way older than she really is.  That woman was sad and depressed and on her way to diabetes and heart failure.

Lord Almighty I don’t even know WHO that woman is!  But I can assure you that I never want to see her again!

“Man, she got SKINNY!”

It’s been a long time but here is yet another Tarantino’d posts……..

“Man, she got skinny!!!”

Why did The Boy tell me the above….

Let’s go back…..Let’s go back….

I had completely forgotten to blog this experience.  It was one of the highlights of my weight loss journey and it comes from a small child.  The children are so innocent….yet VERY honest and that is what makes them brilliant!

A few Friday’s ago, I had picked up The Boy early from after school care.  I pulled into the parking lot and being that it was early, no cars were there.  They were on the field and he saw me pull up.  I got out, waved at him and got right back in the car to await his arrival.

Upon entering the car he told me his classmate asked him if that was his mother, waving at him from the parking lot.  He said yes and then his classmate said to him “Man, she got SKINNY!”

Kids are truly straight forward, blunt and honest humans.


Weekly Weigh In – A MARATHON?!?!

It’s time to break away from that which is dealing with Bags of Douches.  Onto bigger and better things!

I have decided, to train for a 5K marathon.  My sister and I will be signing up for one happening in November.  WTF?!?!?  I am a person who HATED running/jogging in any type of fashion and now, I’m gonna do a marathon!  It’s like worlds have opened up  that I never knew could exist for me.

My only regret is that I spent my whole life under a cloud of “I can’t” and had to hit a mid life epiphany to get out of it.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

4 more lbs down!

Total: 53 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts


My sister…I love her to death but she is so stubborn.  I now way a lot less than she does for the first time in our lives.  She is stuck on this “fad” 3 day diet things where she eats pretty much a cube of cheese and crackers all day to supposedly lose like 10 pounds in 3 days.  It’s ridiculous because she just gains it right back after the 3 days and that can’t be healthy doing crash diets like that.  Then she tells me “Hey, Jenny Craig is having a deal where you can come back and get discounted food.”

Really? Why on EARTH would I go back to Jenny Craig when I’ve lost the most weight I’ve ever lost in my life ON MY OWN and without paying stupid Jenny Craig for the their stupid over priced pre-packaged meals!

I keep telling her “cut out the carbs and fast food…you are really denied nothing and can learn to make better choices.”  Nope, she thinks she knows best and wonders why she isn’t down much.  I just slam my head against the brick wall and hope she will get her epiphany soon….that is if she really wants it.

Weekly Weigh In – Droopy Drawers!

The dilemma of the dropping pants continues.


My size 12 Apt 9 dress pants that I bought only a month ago, are no longer looking “fit”.  I’m VERY glad I didn’t get the size 14’s!  I’m getting the “bag lady” droopy pants effect again like I was experiencing with the size 18’s a few months ago.  I seem to be losing A LOT of hips and thighs much faster than my middle.  That is probably because I’m jogging.  I may have to occupy my Step-Grandmother to take the legs in a bit of my 4 pairs of size 12’s only because, I paid good money for them and didn’t get them at Goodwill.  And they are in perfect condition.  I think I could wear them a bit more if they are just taken in a bit.

Yesterday, I put on my size 14 black dress pants, not thinking at all that they were 14’s as I thought that I got rid of all the pants that were 14 and above and I spent the entire day trying to keep them up.  I giggled to myself.

I did get into a pair of 10/11 Skinny jeans I got from the Goodwill a few months ago that were sitting on the top of my closet shelf, just waiting.  They actually look really DAMNED good!

But hey!  I now have something in common with the Kia Soul Hamsters!

Fun times…..

Anyway, what were today’s results??

4 more lbs down!

Total: 49 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

*SIGH* it is done…..

I am no long seeing a number 2 on that scale.  I knew it was coming even if it was a long time coming but it is a phenomenal feeling to see it actually happen.  So I’m officially done with the 200’s.

What is also phenomenal is this feeling, in my heart and my mind, that I’m so excited and I smile a lot.  I have been known to tweet lately that nothing tastes as good as this smile on my face feels or the endorphins released after jogging.  THAT is what makes that chocolate cake that tries to tempt me look like a big pile of horse dung!

Weekly Weigh In – This is TORTURE!

I guess I lost weight in my…feet?

img-thingI have a pair of wedges from Sketchers that are comfortable and I’ve been wearing them constantly.  To give those Sketchers wedges a break, the other day, I decided to pull out my old black low heels that look like this.

They were always my favorite and fit good, in the past.  I go to put them on and they are WAY to big.  Now, I mean noticeably big.  Almost like I bought them a size to big or something.  It was a bizarre phenomenon but amusing all the same.

Also, today is a “how many needles can I get poked with” day.  I got my mega shot at the clinic an hour ago, the four B-6’s pricks, and in 2 hours, I head down to the blood lab to get blood samples taken.  My latest doctor visit sent me away with the paperwork to get all kinds of blood tests done.  I think he’s checking for diabetes and lupus (among other things) as those run in my family.

Fun times…..

Anyway, what were today’s results??

2 more lbs down!

Total: 45 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

OH MY GOSH!!!!!!

It’s a slow travel down and past the 200 lb mark.  I am exactly 200 lbs.  I just want to see 199 for crying out loud!  However, I have not weighed 200 since about 10 years ago, just after I lost my pregnancy weight.  So, I’m not unsatisfied at all.

Also, I have never liked that my body looks less than what the numbers on the scale really say.  According to the scale, this is 200 lbs:


I am inclined to disagree!

Or I hold the weight very well proportionally.

Or I’m just an anomaly!  I don’t know!

Weekly Weigh In – My first “good” picture

I had a cousin visiting from Chicago so there was a family lunch at my sister’s condo this past Sunday.  Of course, lots of photos were being taken and I refused to look at any of them, as I have always refused to look at the photos I’m in because I knew what I looked like and that I wouldn’t like it.

On Sunday, I was finally convinced to look at one and lo and behold…I looked DAMN GOOD!

I couldn’t contain my joy and was jumping up and down at how I had NO waist and NO thighs in this photo.  Well, compared to photos I’ve taken about 5 months ago.  My family, on my father’s side, tend to be very fat and over eat a lot.  My cousin, who just had a baby, had about 4 or 5 slices of pizza (big Costco pizza slices at that!) and my cousin from Chicago ate twice as much.  My aunts and uncle are the same.  Not to mention the chips and dip, the chocolate chip cookies and pound cake that was served.  I refused to eat any of the pizza that was being served and made a be-line for the fruit and cucumbers.

So as boastful or “high horse” as it may sound, I was inside rejoicing that I can, and will, fight genetics that is imbued into my DNA and could very well be the best looking cousin in my family brood.

I also was able to pull and zip up another size 11/12 skinny jeans that were in my closet.

Lots of victories this week 🙂

Anyway, what were today’s results??

 1 more lb down!

Total: 43 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Meh…I’m hitting a stand still again.  I’m back to 1 or 2 lbs a week, which actually isn’t bad just something I’m not used to.  Still, in the 4 months I’ve been doing this, the scale has been constantly going down, never maintain or going up.  That is a good thing!

I passed my “half way” point according to the clinic I weigh in at and that monitors my vitals.  They have my goal at 168 lbs, however we all know I’m going way below that if I can.  But since that is the goal they set for me, to them, I have passed my half way mark.  Therefore, I got a new sheet for step two of their plan:

Step 2

Oh so NOW I can eat fruit?! Uh..oops…been eating fruit since the very beginning of all this.  This only solidly establishes my theory of “to each their own”.  Every body is different and fruit (or the carbs in it), never hurt me one bit.  In fact, I’m enjoying a Razzamatazz from Jamba Juice as I type this, although it is a bit sweet and I probably won’t finish it.

Oh wait…so NOW I can exercise to?! Uh…oops again.  I have been doing that solidly 4-5 times a week for the last 3 months.


Weekly Weigh In – I’m Batman!

Yup, I’m Batman

woman-arm-bat-wings-400x400For some reason, I have developed batwings.  I don’t know if it was because I had so much to lose but now I have them.  I have been doing arm lifting with weights but I need to work on the bat wings.  Maybe switch the type of lifting I do?  I think it can be fixed though because the stomach flap that I had a few months ago is starting to disappear.  So that gives me hope.

My neck can crack

cartoon-crack-drugs Now, I don’t know if this one has anything to do with the weight loss but I was NEVER able to crack my neck.  Now, I can turn it and get a good set of popping.  I know that I’ve read popping the neck might not be the best thing to do but sometimes it really relieves some tension and just feels like it loosens things up.  I carry all my stress in my neck and upper back area.  So, my neck just feels looser and more able to move freely.  Maybe the fat was blocking the free movement?

Uh..what is THAT?!

As I was rubbing my shoulder one evening I started to feel…..something.  I instantly got worried because it was a HUGE bump and I started to make my way to the phone to make an appointment for the doctor.  After thinking about it and then looking at my back in the mirror I realized exactly what I was touching…..

It was my shoulder bone!  I kid you not…I had no idea what it felt or looked like because there had been so much fat covering it, or so I’m assuming.  I laughed at myself into the mirror for a while.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

  2 more lbs down!

Total:  42 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Weekly Weigh In – Things don’t hurt

My feet don’t hurt anymore

There was a time when I would go to Disneyland on a Friday night with The Boy and get there around 6:30 and by 9:00, sometimes even 8:00, my feet were killing me.  And I’m not talking about “oh my feet ache a little”…no it would be I literally can’t walk or stand.  I distinctly remember one night where I couldn’t even walk back to the car only after walking around the parks for a little bit.  I would have to constantly be sitting down to rest them.  When I finally got home, I would have to lay down and elevate them on a pillow or they would get REALLY puffy the next morning.  I also remember how exhausted I would get.

On Saturday, I went to the parks by myself.  I had my music on my phone, my earbuds in and I was walking.  At one point, I was walking so fast I realized I had just walked from one end of the park to the other.  I, of course, stopped to ride something and eat, but for the most part, I walked from the time I got there around 4pm until I left at 11pm.  I didn’t feel one ounce of exhaustion.  And I even danced at Mad T Party!

It really makes you wonder how much strain and stress weight can put on feet and even the knees, hips and back.

Size 12’s

I have finally gotten into a size that I haven’t been since before I was pregnant, 10 years ago.  I did post about it but now, after wearing the pants and working them in, I’m even wondering if I should have gotten the 10’s!  They are loose after a few hours of wearing them.  But I’ll wait until they are falling off like my 16’s were.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

 2 more lbs down!

Total: 40 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

BMI is the same as last week so I’ll skip it.

The mother of all shots hurt today.  I usually get all my injections in my arm but with this one, I may have to switch to getting the shot in my backside.  It made my whole arm throb for an hour after getting the shot and it was really swollen at the injection site.

I will admit I was a little disapointed to only see the 2 lbs as I’m so close to getting out of the 200’s and espiecally after last weeks weigh in of 8 lbs lost, but I have to remember, last week’s weigh in was after a month.  So, 2 lbs a week is a steady loss.

Big pants = No

I realized, upon looking into my closet, that I was down to one pair of work dress pants and one pair of jeans that actually fit me.  Anything else that was in my closet, in the category of pants, no longer stayed on me, even when buttoned.  However, it was after my pants literally FELL off at work (luckily this was in my office and no one saw), I realized, it was a necessity to get more.

So, off to Kohl’s I went because I had some Kohl’s cash to spend. kohlscash

I bribed The Boy that if he let me look for and try on clothes, I would buy him something.  I was still rushed by his moaning and groaning but he got a nice looking watch out of the trip.


Anyway, I was still unsure as to which size I truly am.  So, I grabbed the size 14 dress pants (Apt 9 brand).  After trying them on, I realize, yes, they are loose but aren’t falling off.  Yet, I’ll be spending more money on more pants because these fit me just right now, but will be falling off in a month.  I decided on getting the 12’s.  They fit, a little snug, but they fit.

I haven’t been a size 12 since BEFORE I was pregnant and that was 10 years ago!  What shocks me is that the numbers on the scale still haven’t dropped into the 100’s.  That just means inches are being lost more than pounds but I couldn’t care less about it.  It’s nice to be in a size 12 again.

Lastly, do I get to share this accomplishment with anyone outside of this blog?  Well no, because my mother puts down the fact I’m losing weight and says I’m lazy because I’ve used the appetite suppresants and is now, actively, pressuring my younger sister (her favorite and “easy” daughter) to lose weight as she tells her, and I quote, that I “can’t look better” than her.

Isn’t that just lovely?  *sigh*  And out of respect, I don’t tell my sister about the actual pounds lost (unless she asks) because I don’t want to make her feel bad, especially if our mother pressures her to look better than me, like we are rival competitive enemies.  The woman just wants to see me fail at everything.  It’s actually quite disgusting.

Weekly Weigh In – It’s actually been a MONTH

Weekly Monthly Weigh in

Welcome back peoples!  I was without a weigh in for a whole month!  So bare with me, this may be a long update.  I do have a pretty good reason for the month absence.

My last post was July 17.  The reason for the month hiatus was because I had to pay for another 10 weeks on the program and I just didn’t have the money.  My last weigh in and visit to the clinic was a month ago and I have been about 3 weeks off the appetite suppressant medications.  I guess it was a good test run to see if I can actually do it on my own, without the daily appetite suppressants.

Test run=PASSED

I’m just making better choices.  I am going to continue to stay away from bad carbs and fast food.  I am also going to continue to do exercise like I am now which is 5-6 times a week consisting of cardio speed walking/jogging and some weight lifting.  However, I will get back onto the medications just to kick start myself again to do round two and keep the numbers going down!


About 2 weeks ago, I did surprise myself a bit.  Ask me if I can get into size 13 skinny jeans.  YUP!  I squeezed my behind into a size 13.  I was a stuffed sausage but they zippered up!

I’m still so fat!

Or that is how I feel, psychologically, I guess.  I am so close to passing the 200 mark.  I’m hoping now that I can start back up on the appetite suppressants, I will be able to curb my appetite better and not binge.  I did binge a few times, on fat free and low calorie Trader Joe’s cheese puffs but afterwards, I felt sick to my stomach.  Blegh.

However, one big change is that now I weigh less than my sister.  This has really motivated her to get into action.  She is now watching carbs and she actually has an awesome exercise reoutine that includes eliptical and lots of cardio.  She’s good at that.  However, she has some medical issues that keeps her from losing at a steady pace but I know she can do it.  I’m now 15 lbs lighter than her, but if I know her, that won’t be for long.

I still just think I have so much to go.  It’s like a never ending cycle.  However, it will probably always seem that way because this is a life long thing and not just a fad.

My next goal is to get out of the 200’s and into the 100’s.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

 8 more lbs down!

Total: 38 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Look at that HUGE dip!

Starting BMI

BMI is: 42.0 at 245 lbs

Starting in Category: Obese  30.0 – more

Current BMI

Still in the "Obese" section...Blegh!

Still in the “Obese” section…Blegh!

I finally have a before and after.  Both of these were taken in the same spot at Universal Studios, Hollywood and I tried to wear the same tank top with the pink hearts but I have since put it into the Goodwill bag because it looked ridiculous on me.

March 2, 2013

August 1, 2013

I see the difference but I probably shouldn’t have tried to squeeze myself into those skinny jeans.  Those are the size 13 jeans I mentioned above.  Although, that was taken almost 2 weeks ago and those jeans fit A LOT better now.

But my face…it’s so much smaller.

So, that is it for my update after a month of no updates.  As I mentioned before, I did purchase another 10 weeks of the appetite suppresants, B-6 shots and the weekly Lipo-Combo injection which is injected into my arm that contains:

  • Methionine
  • Inositol
  • Choline
  • B-12
  • B-1
  • B-2
  • Vitamin C
  • Niacin

That injection hurts like a mo-fo though.  I even told the nurse “God, this one stings way more than the others”.  She said it was because it’s the mother of all injections and includes the most of any other injection.  I just got it a couple of hours ago and I’m noticing that the injection site (my upper arm) smells, or makes me smell, like vitamins.  It’s hard to explain but I have to be aware of that since I go to my weigh ins and get my injections during my lunch hour and have to return to work.

Thanks to all who have been following my progress.  I’m certainly not done yet but I’m very proud of myself if I do say so myself and being able to blog about it keeps me very much accountable.  It has been a life long struggle for me to deal with being fat all my life.  Losing this weight, at this point in my life is allowing me to concentrate on other parts of my physique I have to keep up if I don’t want to age quickly.

I now dye my graying hair on a regular basis since the vitamin injections have made my hair grow like mad and it’s super shiny and on top of that, using the Lush Stout shampoo, makes it super silky.  I love my hair.

I’m also working on my skin.  I use a Lush Mint mask once a week and it’s done wonders for cleaning out my pores and making them smaller.

I’m also going to look into getting lash extensions.  I really can’t wear makeup anymore.  My eyes water way to much and then the make up gets in them and it’s like battery acid is burning my eyes out of their sockets.  So I just don’t wear makeup anymore.  My sister suggested lash extensions because that is all my eyes really need.  I’m also going to look into getting my eyes used to contacts again.  These glasses just take so much away from my face.

So, until next week 🙂

Losing my fat granted me a “Depression” day

I’m not doing good today.  I don’t even want to type this.

Maybe, it is the come down from a great Disneyland/DCA visit yesterday.  We were able to ride lots of rides, despite only getting there around 4pm.  The Mad T Party and White Rabbit DJ were amazing, as always.  Nothing but love for DJ Jason Jass….I want to have a party JUST to hire him as my DJ!  And after I told him I’ve lost the 30 lbs with the help of his great mixes that I workout to, he shook my hand and said congrats.  Super nice guy.

So what in all holy HELL is wrong with me?


This is utterly ridiculous.  I’m sure these feelings also stem from another huge argument with my mother on Thursday night which ended with her telling me to not bring The Boy to her the next day (Friday) so I could go to work, which led me to scrambling to make arrangements with his summer camp to take him for half day on Friday (thank GOD that they are understanding and did take him).  I’m not playing her game anymore, nor am I giving in to her hissy fits.  She wants to play the “I’m not going to watch The Boy so now you HAVE to take off work and probably get fired because you have to SOLELY rely on me” game.  It’s a common game for her and one of the reasons I lost a job back in 2007.  I couldn’t care LESS if she watched him on Mondays and Fridays during the summer or not.  In fact, I couldn’t care less about much of any of it really.  I told my sister as much yesterday, before dropping her off at the airport, to go visit our other sister.  I said that I don’t think that I will be involved much in possibly dealing with our memory loss father (who is getting severely worse day by day) and bipolar “just needs to shut her mouth” mother.  I’m pulling away even further than I ever have which may pull me right out of their radar completely.

However, it could also be that my younger sister is up in Montana visiting our older sister and, as usual, once – fucking – again, I’m being left out.  It’s not their fault and I’m not mad at them.  I just don’t have the money nor can I get the time off work for a trip to the middle of the country.  So now I get to look at all the fun photos of them on my sister’s FB page and I, as usual, get to be “outside looking in”.

Yeah, I think I need to go run or lift massive weights or something because I just blew up at my kid just because he asked for lunch.  Although, I don’t see why he can’t make his own fucking sandwich every once in a while.  Or even wash a fucking dish.  Some days I don’t want to be a parent.

I even wonder about losing 30 lbs.  On one side of the coin, it is great to feel lighter and faster and bouncier on my feet.  Yesterday, at Disneyland/DCA, not only was I walking through that place much faster and actually fitting into the ride seats and not having my inner tube shaped gut spilling over into the seat next to me, but in Toon Town, I was playing and climbing in the play area with my kid and I could keep up!  I didn’t get winded or out of breath or feel like my heart was going to explode!


Although, it’s not necessarily “boys”…I just feel that I will see that even thin, I’m depressed.

But, on the other side, now I know WHY I kept myself fat in the first place.  It was the reason and the excuse I had to explain my loneliness.  If I lose the “excuse”….then I will really wonder why I have not one friend, will never be in a relationship and maybe I’ll see that there really is something wrong with me that wasn’t just the fat.

So, in essence, I am petrified of being smaller.  It’s like the fat was a part of me.  It’s like I’m slowly losing my right arm!  Because 30 lbs is actually the most I’ve lost EVER, in all the times I’ve lost weight.

And why am I losing the weight in the first place?  To be healthier? Yes.  To live longer? Yes.  But to live longer in a life of utter dark loneliness where The Nothing is my only friend?

So to sum it up even more, I’m petrified to lose the weight and losing the weight, is depressing me.

Seriously, WTF! is wrong with me!

Yeah, I need to go run or I’m going to take a steak knife to my wrists…fuck.

K, running now…..thanks bye!

Weekly Weigh In – I’ve hit a milestone

First, I know my normal weigh in days are Fridays and starting my next weigh in day, Friday the 26th, they will be back on track.  I did skip last Friday’s weigh in.  I needed to purchase another 10 week program and I didn’t have the money last Friday so I had to wait until I came into some money, which was today.  So, today’s weigh in covered 1 week and 4 days.  I am committed to at least 10 more weeks and purchased the highest program, the Platinum Plus.

Second, today I lost the most I’ve lost at a single weigh in.  It could be because I had 4 extra days between today and my last weigh in.  I would also like to say that it is because I’ve incorporated at least 5 minutes of jogging into my 30 minute power walking routine, which I do 5-6 days a week.

I am definitely starting to get the double takes and comments, lately.  My co-worker, just last week, commented on how my face is pretty much gone.  I’ve lost a double chin, completely.  I want to say 10 lbs was in my chin and face alone!  However, the one place that I always used to lose it first, my chest, hasn’t budged an inch.  Not to get TMI or all sexual or anything but I was firmly in a DD at 245 lbs and could have gotten into a DDD.  I am still firmly in a DD.  However, my waist is smaller, giving the illusion that they are bigger than they really are!  Not sure I like that as I’ve never liked dealing with these things sometimes.  I’m sure they will go down as I get closer to goal.  Believe me when I say that having big Ta-Ta’s is not all it’s cracked up to be.  I have some really bad upper back problems and constantly dealing with pain between my shoulder blades due to the weight from my chest.  Not fun.

ANYWAY!  I’ve also gone down two pants sizes.  I’m out of my size 18 dress pants and currently in a size 14 dress pants.  I’m also completely out of size 16 jeans as they won’t stay on me.  I have a size 14 that I’m wearing but they hang baggy soon after putting them on so they look wrong on me.  They aren’t falling off my waist but they are hanging.  I bought size 12 skinny jeans from the Goodwill that I have on the “almost there” shelf in my closet.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

7 more lbs down!

Total: 30 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

I’m actually shocked the scale said this because it’s “THAT” time of the month and I never lose during that time.

Regarding BMI, I found charts that I liked and could easily understand.

Starting weight

BMI is: 42.0 at 245 lbs

Starting in Category: Obese  30.0 – more

Current weight


Apparently, I’ve lost the equivalent to the amount of cheese an average American eats in a year.  Blegh…
I really can’t believe how much 30 lbs is, yet, I can’t believe that 30 lbs doesn’t even scratch the surface of how much I need/ed to lose.  It made me realize how obese I was really getting and how much I had my foot in an early grave.  I move quicker now, I can climb the stairs to my office without wheezing upon reaching my office and I can FUCKING RUN!  Uh..emphasis on the, yeah…I can FUCKING RUN!
My next goal is to get out of the 200’s.

Possible motivation…

I may have found some serious weight loss motivation.

I’m still bummed out a bit from my weigh in this morning.  I just have to keep telling myself that the scale is going in the right direction, even if it is taking a slow, long trip.

I decided to pull out of my closet an old black satin Scott McClintock formal that I wore as Homecoming Princess in College in 2000.  So, the last time I wore this dress was 13 years ago.  It is a size 14.

It is still in great condition and not a blemish on it.  It is a little wrinkled at the bottom but in great condition other than that.

Holding it up to me, it looks very small.

Weekly Weigh In – Meh…..

Meh, not to happy about today.

I spent the better part of this day wondering what the heck I’m doing wrong.  The nurse even asked me if I was following the diet plan properly.  I most surely am and I’m exercising as well.

I’m going to try and change up my exercise routine and push it to 35 minutes which will include some arm and stomach exercises.  I’m also going to try and incorporate some running into my power walking to, even if it is just for a few minutes.

I also think I need to eliminate anything I may have been “cheating” with.  I have had tortillas on occasion but always wheat and I never finish it.  I do have Pollo Bowls but rarely finish down to the rice part.  I just eat the chicken and beans, but I may start being more strict regarding any carbs.  Although, I don’t know how I can get any stricter than this:

This is a sample of a usual lunch.  That is a hard boiled egg and greek yogurt.

This is a sample of a usual lunch. That is a hard boiled egg and greek yogurt.

Regardless, I’m going to change where I think I can.  Or it could be just inches that I’ve lost as I’ve noticed a huge change in my size 16 jeans.  Just last night, I was getting ready to change for bed for the night and I was closing up my home and turning off lights, when I realized, my jeans were about to fall off me.  I was literally able to pull them off without unbuttoning them.  So those will go into the give away bag and I can move onto the size 14 jeans I have that were waiting to be pulled off the shelf of “some day I will fit into these clothes” that I have set up in my closet.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

1 more lb down!

Total:  23 lbs lost in 9 Weeks! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Below are the BMI chart comparison from start weight to current weight

BMI of 42 at 245lbs

BMI at starting weight of 245 – 9 weeks ago


BMI 38.1

BMI down to 38 as of today.

Weekly Weigh In – BMI

I read an article that Obesity is now considered a disease.  I am on the fence with this. 

On the one hand, I’m fat because I put to many Jumbo Jacks with cheese into my mouth and didn’t move my behind enough.  On the other hand, genetics really do not help a girl out.

Of course, the article I linked and so many other articles that can be found with a Google search are so convoluted I just want to look them over.  Everybody is different and if a nutrionist is going to tell me that having a Jamba Juice for lunch is bad (even if I’m not diabetic) because of carbs I will tell them they are not me and I know what I will not gain weight with.   Having a Jamba Juice is better than having the Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger Combo Meal (large size, yes, please) at the Jack in the Crack down the street!  And go ahead and click on the link and look at the calorie and carb count.  I’m surprised my heart lasted this long!  Blegh, just looking at the pictures of the burgers on the website made me want to vomit.

BMI of 42 at 245lbs

BMI at starting weight of 245

I found a BMI calculator that computed BMI (Body Mass Index) and after I put in my starting weight (seen to the right) and then figured out what weight would be in the “Normal Weight” range….I have lowered my GOAL weight by 30 lbs.   That would put it at 130 lbs (22 BMI).  As seen by the chart to the right, at the start of this road, I was at 42 BMI which equaled to Obese.  I believe it.  

It’s just a “goal”.  I feel like it’s a kind of game.  Let’s see how close to 130 I can actually get.  The lowest I’ve ever been is 140 and I was 17 years old.  I’m curious to see if I can get there and what I would look like!

Anyway, so what were today’s results??

  2 more lbs down!

Total: 22 lbs lost in 2 months! 

LilySlim Weight charts

2 lbs is better than last week’s 1 lb but not better than the week before that’s 5 lbs but…so far the scale has been going down for the full 2 months, never maintaining nor rising.  That is always good.  I just feel like I can’t get into the 200 and teen’s!  I’m gonna shoot for 219 for next week’s weigh in.  I also am going to start having the B-6 injections put directly into the “flap” that I was speaking of last week.  The nurse said that may help reduce it a bit and since I was putting the B-6 into my upper abs, that area was shrinking faster than the lower, making the “flap” look worse.

I have two more weigh ins before the 10 week program is done.  I will then be paying for another 10 weeks but with the Platinum Plus Package which is the 4 B-6 injections plus the Lip-Combo injection which includes:

–Lipo-MIC (so I don’t have to pay for it separately anymore) which is the combination of the 3 amino acids (Methioine, Inositol and Choline) to help liver function and;

–The vitamins: B-12, Thiamin, Riboflavin, Vitamin C, and Niacin.

Oh and I finally confessed to my sister and mother about the actually program I am using with the appetite suppressants, injections, etc. and to my surprise, it was well received by them.  I think my mother really just doesn’t want us to get Diabetes, as she has it and she always says we need to lose weight, even if she does say it bluntly. 

And it looks like by telling my sister, I may have just given myself more of a challenge because she will be starting the same type of program soon at another facility and she has a MUCH more intense workout regimen than I do (she runs and does elliptical).  I may have just upped my game with her now in it.  And throw some “Sibling Competition” into the mix…..this should prove interesting.

Dreams, “poppin’ tags” and being THIN

“Hey, can we go Thrift Shopping?”

Being that I am kid free tonight, after much deliberation, I decided that I am going to go pop some tags tonight. goodwill_logo2Yes, folks, I am going thrift shopping.  Or at least go to the Good Will for some “new” jeans and whatever else I see.  I’m losing weight so I really do not want to spend money on name brand jeans from a store because I might not fit into them in a few months.  I actually do most of my shopping at the Good Will anyway.  I’ve never been much of a shopper and can’t stand spending money on clothes or shoes or foo foo accessories.  So Good Will prices work for me.  And sometimes, if I dig hard enough, I can find items that still have the original tags on them, meaning never worn! 

That’s what I’ll be doing after work.

If I get shot in a dream but don’t bleed or die, does that mean I’m Super Girl?

The past two nights, I’ve been having a disturbing dream.  I dream I am getting shot in the face by some guy I don’t know.  Yet, the bullets never affect me nor hurt me.  This random guy shoots many bullets at me but I don’t feel them at all.  I just hear them go “POP!” and see him pointing the gun at me and can see the shots going off but never feel them

What the heck!  I always wake up very shaken up and afraid.  It’s always in the middle of the night when I wake up from these dreams and my cat, the past few nights has also taken to meowing VERY loud at me while I sleep in my bed at 2 a.m.  I think it’s time for another cat shaming.  So I haven’t been to good on getting a restful sleep lately.  I just hope the dreams stop.


Now that I have HBO Go on my computer, I have access to some great HBO Documentaries.  I’ve seen a few on the holocaust, and movie stars.  But last night, I saw a new addition to the list called THIN.


It was VERY hard to get through.  This documentary followed several women while they were at the Renfrew Center .   Being someone who has struggled with weight and over eating, it is very understandable to me to see where the mind frame of some of these women come from.  I have never been anorexic, that is not my thing, but over eating sure was.  However, I have also never tried purging as vomiting is a horrible aversion for me and I don’t even like doing it when I was sick or drunk.

These women really think that they are fat or they will find every single fault they can with their bodies.

imagesCAIF2XKEIn the picture to the left, the patient was asked to draw and outline of what they feel their body looks like.  Then, they would be asked to stand against the drawing they did and the counselor would draw the actual outline of their body.  The photo above was the result and as you can see, the black outline is what she thinks of herself and the red outline is what she really is.  However, when asked “how do you feel about what you are seeing?” the first thing the patient did was say “I see faults” and she proceeded to write on the drawing everything that was wrong with the smaller version of her.  It was incredible and so sad.

None of the women in this place maxed out weight anywhere over 110lbs, if that much.  I would say most of them were at about 90lbs.  It was very interesting to see how others perceive themselves, how their pasts and words said by other from their past create this disease and misconception of themselves. 

When it ended, they did a follow up blurb on each of the main patients that were in it.  Basically, they all had been released from the Center, however, they all went back to restricting food and/or purging when eating.  One main character even committed suicide a few years later.

It kind of centers one back down to earth when we see how hard these people struggle and how much others’ words can effect anyone.

*EDIT: Well what do you know. Just got a text from my sister who was supposed to pick up my son later today saying she has a doctor appointment and might not be able to pick him up after all.

I am not surprised in the least.  This is typical of my family and why I get no kid free nights.

What gets my goat is that she says “sure I’ll pick him up” then oh never mind forgot I had a doctor appointment.  Why offer if you had something else to do?  And saying you forgot just doesn’t cut it with me.  Think before you fucking speak.

Damnit…I’m so pissed off.  No poppin tags for me!


Weekly Weigh In – One thing is starting to concern me…

I am noticing one thing that is starting to be a bit of a concern for me. (maybe TMI ahead)

My stomach. It’s beginning to look like this:

This is not a picture of my stomach but mine is developing this pouch thing circled above.

This is not a picture of my stomach but mine is developing this pouch thing circled above.

What is happening is my upper abs are shrinking but the lower part of my stomach is starting to “flap” over.  It reminds me of a Gastric Bypass patient who has lost a lot of weight super fast and their skin just hangs.  It isn’t happening anywhere else.  My arms are actually forming nicely and my face is much less round and puffy. 

I can only guess this is because I had a lot more weight to lose.  I know that just after I had my son 9 years ago, I went on Jenny Craig and lost about 30 lbs.  However, 9 years ago, I started Jenny Craig needing to lose about 30 lbs less than what I started at this time around.  That is probably what is causing the serious skin flap going on.

And I had a C-Section when I gave birth.  I know that contributes to a lot of the flap.  Being pregnant and giving birth messes up everything about the stomach skin and texture.  I fear I will never see the stomach I used to have so many years ago.  It’s just another part of my youth that I mourn and bury into the ground.

It’s awful and I don’t like it so I have introduced stomach exercises into my 30 minute power walking routine.  Hopefully, that will make it not so flabby.  I have also started rubbing Palmer’s Cocoa Butter to smooth out the stretch marks.

I have also gotten some questions on what medical program I am following.  It is called Medislim Wellness.  It is owned by a doctor and all the workers are nurses or Physician Assistants.  I am given Phentermine, the appetite suppressants on a weekly basis, taking once a day.

Below is a scan of the flyers that were given to me on my first day. 



The two shown above explains what my diet should be along with meal suggestions.  Notice that carbs are under the “What you CAN NOT eat” along with no sugar (duh), breads, pasta, rice and fruit. However, I have been eating fruit and enjoying Jamba Juice for lunch on occasion.  I know my body and I’m pretty sure a Jamba Juice is better than a Jumbo Jack with bacon and large fries.  It also says no chewing gum….I’m a chewer, won’t be giving that up. Vegetables are also limited but I haven’t been skipping veggies either. Steamed broccoli for the win!


Onto the Weight Loss Injections sheet shown above.  These are an explanation of the Vitamin Injections I get weekly. So far, I’m on the program for the 4 B-6 injections, which I have injected in the belly area and the 1 B-12, which is always injected into the upper arm. 

Not included in the package I paid for but I get on the side and pay extra for is the Lipo-MIC  injection which is #1 under Lipotronics on the sheet shown above.  I have yet to get the injections numbered 2, 3, and 4 on the sheet above.


Above is the prices for the different packages and injections.  I have three more weeks on my current package which is the Gold Package.  After that, I will be getting the top package, the Platinum Plus Package which the 4 B-6 injections plus the Lip-Combo injection which includes:

–Lipo-MIC (so I don’t have to pay for it separately anymore) which is the combination of the 3 amino acids (Methioine, Inositol and Choline) to help liver function and;

–The vitamins: B-12, Thiamin, Riboflavin, Vitamin C, and Niacin.

 Also, the full amount for these packages are not due right away.  They divide amount by two and you pay at two different visits.

Anyway, so what were today’s results??

 1 more lb down!

Total: 20 lbs lost in 7 weeks! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Only l pound today but I did weigh in a day early.  I’m not going to be in the area tomorrow (Friday) which is my normal weigh in day.  Also, it’s THAT time of the month.  And, I didn’t work out this week as much as I did last week.  So I give the low loss this week (compared to 5 lbs last week) on weighing in a day early, not moving as much and bloat.

I will be going to the Good Will very soon to purchase some new “transition” jeans, as I call them.  I prefer to get clothes at the Good Will when I’m changing sizes and know I won’t stay in the size I’m buying.  The jeans I’m wearing right now are a size 18 but they will no longer stay on me and I don’t have to unzip them to be able to remove them.  I’m guessing I’m closer to a 16 now and *maybe* I could squeeze myself into a 14 and hang onto those until they fit comfortably.  I can’t wait to get some skinny jeans!

Weekly Weigh In – THAT is more like it!

Booyah! This is more like it! Ok, what did I do differently this week?


That is the major thing that I changed and that might have made a significant impact.  I started walking for about 25-30 minutes on the treadmill 4 times this past week.  It wasn’t crazy power walking, just walking at a fast pace. I don’t run though, never have been able to, even when I was younger.

Eating is repulsive

No joke. I’m finding that just to eat or think about eating makes me want to cringe. I no longer look forward to it nor make it the center of my existence.  Hence, eating out is happening less and less and if I do eat out I spend close to nothing because I’m not getting full meals with dessert.  I would say at best, I get a side salad and soup!  Sometimes, maybe a grilled chicken and steamed veggies.

Just a few days ago, I was having trouble finishing even half of a Farmer Boy’s Chicken Cobb Salad (my favorite salad).


I think I was about 5 bites into it when suddenly it looked so un-appetizing.  I couldn’t think about finishing it.  I put it away and saved the rest of it for later in the day.  It ended up being my dinner.

A few days ago, I was done early with my errands I needed to run on my lunch and just couldn’t decide what I wanted for lunch.  The thought of even getting a Protein Burger at In N Out was making me gag.  So I pulled into the Jamba Juice and got me a Pomegranate Smoothie with Pomegranate, Strawberries and Blueberries.


It was perfect and it was like CANDY to me! I guess my lunches now are Jamba Juice.

Last night for dinner I had about 5 saltine crackers and the meat from The Boy’s Supreme Croissant Breakfast sandwich that he didn’t finish. Oh and about 4 bottles of water.

It’s the appetite suppressants that I mentioned a few weeks ago, Phentermine.  They have literally given me such an aversion to food.  Other “side effects” I’m seeing are dry mouth and being very thirsty.  I did have trouble sleeping a few weeks ago to but that has passed.  I’ve always been one to drink water a lot even before starting this so I’m used to drinking water and the many visits to the bathroom that drinking lots of water creates.

Oh and I’m hearing that Man of Steel is pretty good.  I’m excited about that movie!

Anyway, so what were today’s results??

 5 more lbs down! (HOLY CRAP!)

Total : 19 lbs lost in 6 weeks! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Look at that BIG drop in the dots!

That made me laugh 😛

Weekly Weigh In – So now the “looks” begin….

These are different looks. Usually, I’m getting looks from people’s faces that say “Wow she really should be wearing a Moo Moo“.

But these looks are different. They are more of shocked looks yet, they are not insultive looks.

These are looks from people’s faces that say “whoa wait…didn’t she have A LOT more going on in the hip area?!?”

As I walk down the hallways of my office, I pass by offices and people who I’ve been passing by for the past year. I notice these looks I describe above on faces I’ve recognized for a year. It’s a bit refreshing and I find it intriguing that not a word has to be said. It’s all in their faces. It kinda makes me re-think how much care I should start putting into my facial reactions to situations. Nonetheless, I look forward to even more profound looks as the numbers keep going down.

Anyway, onto today’s weigh in……I’m not to happy with it this week. I’m thinking it’s because either:

A) I’m at a plateau, although I can’t say it’s a plateau until it happens over the course of a few weeks.


B) I need to start moving more. I will admit last week I didn’t do much of anything along the ways of exercise. I did the treadmill once and was kinda lazy.

Also, I did have some “Congratulations on 1 Year!” cake that my co-workers got me for reaching my 1 year anniversary at this office. However, I pretty much only ate the strawberry filling and took 2 bites of the cake and threw the rest out.  And I did eat the tortilla on the McWrap I had last night……

However, I do know that my portions are pretty much half if not 3/4’s of what they used to be. I have never pushed away extra food or a half eaten plate as much as I have in the past 4 weeks! It’s like I get nauseated just thinking about over eating, a problem I’ve had for as long as I can remember.

So, after a steady 3 lb loss in the past 3 weeks….it’s starting to slow down. Well today it did, but honestly, I think something was wrong with the scale that they used.  It had to be adjusted a few times and wouldn’t go to zero until a few buttons were pushed.

Regardless, clothing is beginning to fit looser and people are starting to notice.

Today’s results:

 1 more lb down!

Total : 14 lb lost in 5 weeks! 

Weekly Weigh in – Things that feel different this time

Today, is the 1 month mark of this journey. It’s time to jump on the scale again and see what’s what.  I know I said this the last time, but the appetite suppressants really work.  I am someone who will tend to over eat, badly. As of the past 3 weeks, I am literally pushing half finished plates away rather than eating the whole plate and then some more. Sometimes, I don’t even want to eat, but do because I can’t not eat, but the portion is super small. It’s like food isn’t on the top of my agenda now. It’s hard to explain, but very real.

I’ve noticed some other things different this time around, as I have done this many times in my 36 years on this planet.

Slow and Steady

I’m noticing that it isn’t coming off as fast right away. Seeing it come off fast right at the beginning is something that has happened in the past. For instance, the last time I did this was a year ago with Jenny Craig. The first week, I lost 6 lbs, then about 2-3 average a week (only did that for about a  month though, then it came right back on).  It coming off slowly isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  Usually, when it comes off fast, it goes right back on faster. I’m learning how to make better choices and doing it over time.

Eat This, Not That

I’m adjusting to how I can eat and what choices I have when I am cutting out things like breads and pastas.  I still go out to restaurants but forgo things like the bread basket. I also still visit the drive thru’s on occasion, very rarely.

For instance, I went through the McDonald’s drive through on Wednesday to quickly pick up something for The Boy. I knew I needed to eat but there is really nothing at McDonald’s I can have and I can’t stand their weak salads. Then I noticed the new Chicken McWrap.


I knew that the flour tortilla was a big no-no so I just ate half of it and pretty much ate the chicken and lettuce inside. It was pretty good and I believe a much better choice than the Big Mac and Fries.  I actually rarely go to McDonald’s though but, when I do, the McWrap will be my new choice.

Where the fat leaves first

When I started this journey at 245 lbs, that was the highest weight I’ve ever been and I think the reason it’s coming off differently than it has before.  I think my face is showing it first, that is usually what happens. However, my pants are not fitting significantly looser and at this point they usually are.  However, I don’t feel like I’m a stuffed sausage in my pants anymore. So that is always a good thing. It’s not anything that discourages me though.  It’s just interesting.

You MUST work out 7 days a week for 2 hours!

No, actually, I don’t! I used to be obsessed with power walking for miles on end on that silly treadmill. I just can’t focus on exercise like that this time around. What I try to do is just simply move. Whether its cleaning the house, going out to the pool to play with The Boy, walking around the mall or just plugging in my dance music and dancing in my living room! I just need to move. My apartment complex does have a nice little exercise room with ellipticals, treadmills and weight lifting and I do visit it about 2 times a week. But I don’t obsess about getting in there every single day.  When I do get in there, it’s a power walk on the treadmill for about 30 minutes.  I’m not going to tire myself out just to get a workout every single day. It’s still coming off.


The Boy made a great observation a few days ago. We went to get Cold Stone’s (yes, I had a small size of chocolate with some peanut butter….) and he dropped his spoon. I quickly bent down and picked it up as to avoid it being on the floor longer than it needed to. The Boy stated that I bent down and stood back up fairly quickly. He said that in the past, I would do things like that slowly, haggardly, without any energy.

I thought about that for a moment and found that VERY interesting. That is something I have never considered. It’s the little goals that make the big difference. 

Anyway, onto today’s weigh in…… 

Today’s results:

3 more lbs down!

Total : 13 lbs lost in a month! 

I want to keep seeing those dots going down…..

Weekly Weigh In

So the appetite suppresant pills I’m taking REALLY work. It is Phentermine. I have to say though, it’s a bizarre feeling to not want to eat ALL the time, hungry or not. Last night, all I ate was a hamburger patty with melted cheese on it. I didn’t want anything else and actually didn’t THINK about wanting to snack.

I think the last time I felt like that was about 15 years ago, when I was on Crystal Meth for 3 days (yeah…Crystal was my drug of choice… blegh) and didn’t eat anything…stomach never growled or anything. So yeah, flashbacks much?!?

Today, along with getting the B-12 and 4 B-6 shots, I got a Lipotronic shot which is compounds that help catalyse the breakdown of fat during metabolism in the body. We’ll see how I react to those, but so far, so good for the others. I think the only “side effect” is semi insomnia as I keep waking up in the middle of the night between 1-3 a.m. but fall right back to sleep soon enough.

Today’s results…….

3 more lbs down!

Total : 10 lbs lost in 3 weeks!

How about just saying “Congrats on making good choices”?

One of my super huge pet peeves is people who think they know it all.

So I go on a certain message board (I will neither confirm nor deny it is a Disney forum) and into a group that I used to post alot to but have backed away from now. I was reminded of why I backed away.

I posted that I was making better choices in food, cutting out carbs and fast food and maybe choosing protein style burgers at In N Out for example, and no fries. Making better choices, that is what I’m aiming for. And I’ve been in my body for 36 years…I know what causes it to get fat

Fast Food + No movement = Fat ass!

The responses of  “well you need your carbs because of XYZ” and “don’t cut them all out because your skin will itch and you will lose brain function..”


Ah ok, so according to you, the supposed doctor, it would be better to choose the cheeseburger and fries instead of the Jamba Juice?

Ok so apparently, I haven’t been in my body and you have actually be controlling it?!

Seriously, screw what people think. I’m so tired by living by everyone elses rules. I know my body and choosing a 16oz Jamba Juice over a Cheeseburger and fries is better for me.

I think today I’m going to enjoy an In N Out Protein style burger (no fries) with a diet coke.

Or maybe a Razzmatazz Jamba Juice….yeah…ooh I’m such a rebel!


And please don’t tell me how many carbs a Jamba Juice has…I know how much and fruit carbs are better to me than bread. So you can leave that comment at the door.

I finally went the medical way…

So I wasn’t to far off from my weight prediction. I weighed in at my sisters floor scale at 243 about 2 months ago

At the doctor’s office today, it was at 245. Blegh

LilySlim Weight charts

I was shooting for losing 100 lbs but they put me at losing only about 80.

I got my two B-6 shots and I probably should have gotten more but I wanted to take it slow. I’ll return on Wednesday and pay up for the 10 weeks. That should get me the B-6 and B-12 shots and some vitamin pills, weekly.

But basically, the doctor said:


What’s new? It’s not an unknown fact  that carbs are bad. He was saying having a burger is fine, just replace the  buns with lettuce. And I do love my Protein Style In N Out cheeseburgers. Pretty much any fast food join will replace the buns with lettuce if you ask.

Just no onions, and I never get to have In N out Fries again :(

Just no onions, and I never get to have In N out Fries again 😦

Yeah, that last part, of the no more fries, makes me bit of a sad panda but, it is what it is.

I honestly, think I can live with that though. I still get to eat out, just can’t have the dinner rolls or unlimited bread sticks. I’m also going to cut back on soda and the amount of flavored creamer I put in my coffee.

We shall see how it goes!

An appointment has been made….

I have made an appointment for this Saturday to see a medical doctor specifically about weight loss.

This is a different path for me regarding weight loss. I’ve done the conventional diets, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, all those. But I’ve never asked a medical professional about this.

What prompted me were three numbers. If these numbers were the amount of dollars in my wallet right now or my IQ I would be fine.

But they are not. These numbers are my weight.




Plushie Pretzel

I’m a bit nervous. Why? Well it’s simply because of this.

I love food. If food, or carbs to be exact, were a squishy little plushie doll that I could squeeze I would. And now I realize…I will have to give up a lot of it.

However, on the flip side, I hate food to. I hate the way I feel after I gorge on food. I hate that a fast food joint taunts me at every turn. Fuck fast food!

Food is not bad for me. Over eating is. I eat food (and mostly the bad kind) like an alcoholic abuses whiskey. I know that I will have to abandon my fast food lunches. I’m going to try. On Sunday, I went to Souplantation and filled up on baby greens and veggies. I did NOT even visit the bread bar, but had a small helping of wheat pasta in lemon sauce. But there was NO bread. And that was hard because I love the little pizza bread things at Souplantation.

But I can’t be fat anymore. I can’t be addicted to food anymore. Every organ in my body is screaming “HELP US! WE ARE GETTING OVERWHELMED BY THE FAT!!”  I have a fatty liver, diagnosed a few years ago because of the fat around my belly. And that was a few years ago, about 20 lbs less than I am now.

Can someone die from fat? I think so. On the inside and on the outside and all in between.

So, I will see what a medical professional has to say about this and maybe there is another way to do this. I hope so.

Living life as a fat, ugly girl

I realize that is a harsh title. It was harsh to write. However, it is the truth.

“Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder”

I have always guffawed at that statement. We are human. We thrive on pleasure. Everyone will enjoy looking at a pleasurable face over an ugly or plain face. If anyone says otherwise, they are a lying.

Again, it is harsh for me to say it, but it is the truth. Our eyes want to see beauty not just in the form of a person’s face but in landscapes, colors, maybe a beautiful colored flower garden or a painting.

Humans enjoy beauty.

Humans will also shun those who are not seen as beautiful. Then again, Society is responsible for a lot of this to but in reality, what is Society made up of. Humans. And again, if one claims to not have done this at least once in their life, I call them liars.

I have never felt or ever considered myself beautiful by any means. I have always considered myself a Plain Jane. I do not like make up.  I never was one to wear a lot of make up outside of going to a special event.  As I’ve gotten older, I simply can’t wear it anymore. My eyes water and my skin itches. Make up and me, are no longer friends.

I never spent hours on my hair every day. For the most part, I wore it short just to keep it easy. However, I will admit, that when it is long, it is my best feature. But even my best “beauty” feature is becoming null and void because I’m losing my hair and if I don’t take the time to dye it ever two weeks, the greying ages me 20 years. And yes, I have a full head of pretty much “salt and pepper” hair (if I don’t dye regularly). It’s mortifying but I’ve been greying since I was 16. It was inevitable.

These are a few examples of when I was shunned for lacking beauty.

1) I was 20 and the current boyfriend I had was driving us to go pick up an old friend of his. We did pick him up, and as the night went on, I over heard this old friend telling my boyfriend just this, word for word, (I wished I could forget it) “Dude, you can do better than *that*. She is a dog” …….No.joke. Welcome to my memories..

2) I’m working at a pretty well known high end restaurant here in S. California. I was a hostess. I had been there for all of a few weeks. I over hear the male waiters and kitchen staff say (again, wished I could erase my memory) “oh that one…? that one is butt ugly.”

These are just two examples I remember…I may have mentally blocked a lot out.

Weight is just a Number

I’ve also never been able to keep a “healthy” weight. My first diet was at 12 years old, Weight Watchers.

I can remember being teased many times in my childhood (along with the many humiliations elementary school provided). One particular sticks to mind.

I was at a roller skating rink at a church function and a boy who always teased me for some reason told me “you don’t need skates, you will just rollll out there”. I’m sure you all understood what he meant.

Another was this boys’ sister who was on the same church cheerleading squad. One time, she was in the dressing room and she grabbed my cheer skirt, which was about 3 sizes to big for her and proceeded to put it on and dance around in it, showing all the other girls that it was 3 sizes to big.

Now, I know that others with the same issues as myself may have had similar stories and I’m sure even worse stories, but these were the few I remembered.

It’s because of these human reactions to fat and ugliness that I have always been over looked.  I have never turned any eyes, I’ve remained extremely shy which lead to a pretty much non-existent self-esteem and self-worth.

I was on and off diets my whole life. I do recall three times where a certain “diet” worked and I was at a very nice looking weight. But as is the norm, this weight never stayed off.

The first was when I was 17.  I was about 155 lbs at this age. Oddly enough, it was a Richard Simmons diet. Yes, you read that right. Richard Simmons. It looked kinda like this:


The concept was easy enough and the foundation for any diet plan. You have a certain amount of certain types of food, which the color coded cards represented. When that food was eaten, the color coded card that represents that food (ex. Pink cards were fruit), was moved over to the right slots under breakfast, lunch or dinner. When all the cards were gone, you were done eating for the day. I got my weight down to 140 lbs. People thought I was sick, I got so skinny.  However, according to the “charts”, 140 is not “skinny” for a 5 foot 4 inch female. Yet, I was skinny enough for people to think I was sick.

As I said, I was 17 when I started this and the personal happenings in my life had a lot to do with the weight loss. I was in my Sr. year in high school and didn’t have ONE friend (yes you read that right…I had not ONE friend my Sr. year in high school, I didn’t even go to my Sr. prom or Grad Night). Also, I only went to school half days. I left at Noon, I got on a bus down the street from my school, drove on the bus for 10 miles to an afternoon filing job at a mortgage company. This was my Senior year in high school. On the weekend, I would visit my best friend at UC San Diego where she was doing her Freshman year in college.

The second time I lost a lot of weight was the first few months of my marriage in 2001-02.  I’m sure my husband at the time was afraid of the whale I could possibly become and he monitored ALL my eating. He made my lunches, made our dinners. I was watched constantly.

The third time, was 10 months after I had my child. I was a around 210 lbs. It was also probably the only time that I actually COULD have kept it off permanently. But life always gets in the way. I worked for L.A.P.D. as a time keeping clerk. In the station, there was a great exercise room. I worked PM watch so my “lunch break” would be around 8 or 9 pm. I would spend that time watching LOST in the exercise room on the elliptical. Also, I started Jenny Craig, as a few years before I had paid to be a lifetime member and could join for free (“plus the cost of food“). Jenny always worked for me. It was planned out meals, I didn’t have to do anything but heat them up, eat them and do my hour on the elliptical. I got down to 165 lbs.

It was this time that I lost the most and felt great because I was doing power exercise (the elliptical is a good workout) along with it. However, I was also going through a lot of rough times living with my parents and having a newborn/infant.

It was the diet yo-yo

It was the diet yo-yo

I gained all that back after I quite my LAPD job (it was to far to travel there from my parents house) and then lost the new city job I got only 3 months after that. I then moved up to Washington state for 3 months, then moved back. Then it just started piling on again.

I think the most of what I’ve gained has been this past year though. I tried Jenny Craig again, this time last year and was up to 15lbs lost but it is expensive.

I’m now pushing 250lbs.

Let’s look at all the three times the diets worked. First, I was 17….17! I was young and vivacious. Anything would have worked fast. Second time, it wasn’t me that was pushing it. It was my husband at the time who was afraid I would turn into a walrus. Third, I wanted to lose baby weight and had the time, money and resources to exercise without interruption.

I wished that the storyline from Tyler Perry’s “Why did I get Married?” was true. The storyline I’m talking about is a very large Sheila, finally dumps her husband who does nothing but make fun of her because she is fat and who is also cheating on her.


Sheila is made fun of by her husband. He was awful to her.

She just *happens* to run into a good looking sheriff who miraculously thinks she is perfect for his perfect self (well he does tell her if she doesn’t like herself to change it but with him as motivation…)_MG_9793.CR2

He helps her to feel better about herself and even drop some pounds into the woman you see in the picture below (on far left)


(uh…not in the real world sister….)

And at the end, she admits to her friends she’s happy and he works out with her and all is well in the world of fatness…

Bull.Shit (I don’t make fun of the movie as it was great…just the concept).

For me, none of those things are apparent in my life right now. I do try to cook meals at home.  Chicken, lean beef and steamed veggies because its not just me, its a kid I have to cook for to. And I will admit that fast food is the Devil’s food for me.

But its the exercise. I am just dormant. The motivation is not there and that is the key with me.

Also, I have the metabolism of a turtle. I realized there was a pattern. To lose weight, I needed to eat below 1000 calories a day (sometimes less) and do aerobic exercise at least 2 hours a day. I do not joke about that. When I lost the most weight, I was doing just that. My exercise regimens were brutal. I don’t have time for that right now. I’m so exhausted all I want to do is sleep.

I’m half way through my life and I realize these things about me:

I have never been one to “stop traffic” per say.

I have never been one to make a guy side glance.

I’m reminded of this scene in the movie Big Fish


He sees her at the opposite end of a crowded circus tent


Time stops for him, completely as she is the only thing that he sees in the whole room.

That will never happen to me. Even in my youth it was never going to happen. I never turned heads. Hell, even the husband I did get was probably to drunk to realize he was marrying an “ugly cow” and when he did realize he sure wasn’t slow in admitting it to my face he never loved me and thought I wasn’t physically appealing. (hence, the lack of sex as the marriage marched towards its end).

At this point in my life, I feel like I live with only one purpose. To make sure that the child God chose for me to take care of is fed, clothed, educated and taught right from wrong. I will just continue to do that as I realize that my good years are all gone.

I know that tons of women go through some of the examples I gave of when people were mean. I wished it wasn’t so.

Finally: The picture below was 13 years ago, I was 24. It was my wedding day, and what you see here is both hope and denial beaming from me. More of the latter, than the former.

Hope that all the red flags in the person I was about to marry were not really there.

And Denial, that the red flags weren’t really there.

Me on my wedding day – 155lbs

I think enough…is enough.

I’ve been contemplating things again.

Many moons ago, I wrote a bit on how I randomly got on my sister’s scale and the number that jumped out at me was horrifying. 12231429_l_1363783984

I’m sure since then, that number has risen. I’m tired of being tired. If that makes any sense. I used to bounce around and not need a tank of oxygen after one small flight of stairs.

Speaking of stairs, after writing about how hauling grocery bags up one flight of stairs and feeling like my heart was going to jump out of my chest and about the 36 years I’ve lived mostly fat, I believe that its time for another attempt at trying to get rid of some of this weight. The process of actually typing out my weight history and thoughts and then seeing it on the screen in black and white, made me think.

Oh I still think that humans are visual. But at this point I don’t care. I’m not trying to snag a new husband with my soon to be skinny butt (crossing fingers). I’m trying to be able to walk up a flight of stairs with out needing an ambulance or walk around my favorite amusement park without my feet feeling like they are going to fall off.  The last example, I know is because I’m fat because about 60 lbs ago, I used to be able to walk Disneyland from 9am until 9pm and barely feel any pain.


My sister has been on a weight loss kick. She has cut out carbs (I’m starting to believe the Devil invented carbs) and does her elliptical every day.

For me, its takes a bit more than that. I’ve already mentioned my success on Jenny Craig but the cost of it is a bit much. I am on the lifetime plan with Jenny so I don’t have to pay the start up fee but I do have to pay for the weekly food, which can average about $100 a week. Uh, nope. Also, its all Jenny frozen foods. Therefore, once off the Jenny foods, weight climbs back on like a monkey up a tree!

I’ve decided to go another way. I need to cut out two things:

1) Fast food – fuck that Devil crap


2) Carbs – the bad kind because really I don’t need that extra piece of dinner roll.  Thanks Mr. Mackey.

I also think I’ll up the proteins like lean chicken and very lean beef. I wish I liked fish but I can’t stand it. That is to bad because I know that is a good protein to. I just can’t do fish.

I will also be seeing a medical nutritionist recommended by my doctor. I have an appointment set for next week.


Something else happened other than wheezing up one flight of stairs and my feet hurting after walking around Disneyland for only an hour.

The other day, I had this conversation with The Boy:

Me (after realizing I can’t walk all day at Disneyland like I could 8 years and 60 lbs ago): *kinda under my breath* “I just can’t do this anymore….I need to lose weight”

The Boy: “It’s ok Mommy. There is always someone fatter than you. You still don’t look bad”

Him saying that left me with a sick “blegh” feeling inside me. I don’t want him to think about others as “fatter than me”. He shouldn’t be thinking about “fat” at all.  And I certainly didn’t want him to see me as fat but worse, I certainly didn’t want him to feel pressured into defending me to any future meanies who could possibly make fun of his fat mama.

Just tons of …….


I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t at least give this another shot. Even if it would be the 100th time in my life I try to lose weight again.

But its worth a try.

Hello darkness….my old friend…

Sadness, grief, regret.

So much regret.

I just found an old boyfriend on Facebook, someone I had been looking for, for a while. He is married, JUST married and now that ONE decision I made almost 13 years ago hit me so hard I burst into tears. Tears so hard that they stung my eyes. I’ve cried so much no more is coming out.

As I mentioned before, I am divorced, 9 years ago. The man I married, then divorced was one of two men I could have chosen.  He never loved me, he said that himself. He never even wanted to get married.

Needless to say I did not choose wisely.

Who was the other man you might ask?

Well the one I found FB just moments ago, married, smiling happily with his wife in their little profile photo.

Me? I’m all alone…not one friend. So fat and ugly that no one would care a snit about me.

This is the moment when I say fuck my life.

There is a moment, a split second when you realize everything won’t be ok. The “God has a plan” really seems like a bald face lie told by people who just don’t want to hear you whining anymore. Oh really? Then God’s plan is to ensure that I live the next 40+ years in the utter darkness of Lonelyville? Really? Then He can take me now…I’ll pass on that life.

There is no “plan” for the future. Just loneliness. A long dark road heading straight to loneliness.

Come….follow me down the rabbit hole…

So I am gathering a following….tell me my friends…do you pick blue or red?

Blue or Red?

Red? Ok…here we go…

I’m a single mother, 36, so everything you see posted here, the hockey games, skating, Universal Studios visits, Disneyland visits, I do all by myself with the boy.

The boy is my son, he is 9.

I work Monday – Friday 8-5 at an office.

I do not have a husband as the last one I had and divorced 9 years ago not only confessed he never loved me (why did he marry me then?) but has never wanted to see his son. He hasn’t seen him since he was 1 year old….no Christmas cards, no birthday cards…do not pass go….do not collect $200. The father of my child can rot in hell for all I care.

BUT I love my child and that is the only thing that I thank his father for…nothing else.

Sometime, I just want to sit in front of my computer playing World of Warcraft and eating pizza….I do the former…the latter…I must stop because I’m trying to lose weight.

Any other questions just ask!

My fight for a better me…..

This fight has begun.

I was a little apprehensive about stating out loud and in public my current weight but it got me thinking….it must STOP!

Granted…I actually don’t look as much as the numbers say. I never have. When I was 142..I actually looked so skinny people thought I was SICK! But I had lost alot of weight to get down to 142 so everyone was used to seeing me bigger. Of course I was 17 when I was 142. But that is neither here nor there.

I finally got back my Just Dance 3 from my sister yesterday. I do have Just Dance 4 but I really haven’t made friends with it. I do love the Wii Sport. Tennis is my favorite. But according to the Wii Sports training…I play tennis like a 62 year old…WTF! and LOL.

But I’m glad to get my Just Dance 3 back. I liked the songs and the workout was great! I liked the Work out calendar it has to. Tons of fun! Perfect for the gamer in me….and the gamer that will stay in me no matter how old I am….

Yeah that’s right! I’m 36 and I play World of Warcraft! Bite me! Ha Just kidding 🙂

OH and I shouldn’t have had that Pollo Bowl last night…but it was a better choice than a McD’s cheeseburger..right?

I’m obese…

Yes, I have decided to just flat out say this out in the open.

I. am. fat.

I fucking hate it. I hate that fast food tempts me around every street corner. I hate that I can’t breathe after going  up stairs. I hate that my kid looks at me as fat.

I got on a scale yesterday after not being on one in almost a year and the number told me 243.


That is all I thought. Then, my thoughts went to, when did I go from 142 to 243? Of course, I was 142 when I was 17 years old (20 years ago).

I can’t let this happen. I can’t let it win! Satan wants me to be fat! He wants me to shovel that cheeseburger in my mouth and  sit and watch my kid play Just Dance when I should get up and move myself! I hate you Satan.

But I have free will…and food is my addiction.



Wii Just Dance…my key to losing weight

It has begun…the gamer is now going to use a game to get in better shape for the last half of my life.

I got the Wii for Xmas and Just Dance with it. So far…I’ve started the Sweat mode which includes the 7 day challenge. I started the lowest mode of dancing for what would equivelant to 30 minutes of walking…finished THAT in 3 days..not 7..ha!

So stepped it up a notch to the equivalent to running for 30 minutes. We shall see how that goes.

But it’s actually fun. I enjoy myself alot and look forward to working out now..ha!

Statistics are…drum rolllll for weight in at..238 lbs as of today…..*vomit*

How does the weight pile on