A Valentine for the Un-lovable


That would be me.  Un- lovable.

Yet another of these stupid days rolls in and I have to endure the heart cards, the heart shaped boxes of little chocolates, red and pink M&M’s and my Facebook feed of gooey and gushy “I love my husband/wife/dog”.  (Oh BTW certain Facebook friend, you probably should stop loving that spouse of yours.  They are cheating on you).

I know there are more of you out there who endure this day as I do and just want it to go away.  I am un-lovable.

By my definition and according to my circumstances, I am a person who has NEVER been loved.  I do not mean by relatives like a mother, father, sibling,  etc.  To love a relative is a forced loved, meaning, you don’t choose to.  Well, I know sometimes you DO choose to end loving a relative because they are a horrible douchbag but you get my meaning.

I have never been loved by someone who wasn’t blood to me.  I have never known the love of a man or even a friend.  Well, at this point in my life only one friend but God thought it a great joke to have her be removed from my life 8 years ago because of cancer.

eeyore-rain-cloudAh, I love my Eeyore Status with God.  I’m always under that rain cloud of drudgery with Him.

For those who know me a little, you might be asking yourself “Wait, wasn’t she married?”

Yes, I was.  But he neither loved me nor even liked me so why he married me is beyond me.  You think it would have been for money or an arranged marriage (no I wasn’t pregnant when we married) but no.  I just think it was just another sick joke to push me closer to ending it all.

I will not keep rambling my sorrows about this stupid day any longer.  I just hope that those who wallow in the sea of “oh I love you dear hubby forever and ever” and “I’m going to Jared to get my wonderful wife a diamond in her favorite color”, realize that it isn’t all candy and brightly colored and expensive jewels for some.

For some it is just another day to remind a person that is mid way through their life, that they are utterly alone in their existence on this earth.

That they are not, and probably never will be, loved.


Weight loss update and a trip to the E.R.

It’s turning into a monthly weigh in update, even though I am weighing in every week.

I have been at this for almost a year (May).  I’m officially in a size 8 and what I find funny is that according to the BMI charts, I guess a size 8 is considered OBESE because I’m STILL in the OBESE range of the BMI charts.

Those charts can kiss my ass.

Anyway, I really don’t even remember what I felt like this time last year, kind of.  I know what I looked like because I’ve seen the photos and I remember not being able to breathe going up 5 steps or trying to get through just ONE song on my Wii Just Dance (something that I don’t get slightly winded, even after about 10 songs).  I guess what I don’t remember is just being the old me.33ffee062ec7ee70a30d7342690db639

I am now at a weight I haven’t been since about 10 years ago.  And being that I’ve incorporated weight lifting (which I’ve been doing for about 6 months now) and power uphill walking and running, I am noticing muscles I never knew I had.  I’m getting some killer arms to, thanks to the weight lifting.

However, all this will not stop genetics….Last Tuesday, I called 911, on myself.

I had been feeling light headed all day when going from a sitting to standing position and I felt like I had an elephant on my chest.  I just ignored it, as I usually do, and went about my business.

That night, I go to bed then my stomach suddenly hurt, like knives were being pushed into my stomach.  I made my way to the bathroom but then started to realize that I was going to pass out.  I got cold, and not just like a “oh I’m cold” feeling.  It literally felt like my blood turned ice cold.

I really thought I was having a heart attack and I was going to meet Jesus.

Thinking that I do NOT want The Boy to get up, as he was asleep in my bed, in the middle of the night and trip over my unconscious or possibly dead body, I knew I had to contact someone before I gave up the ghost.

I called my mother and according to her, she said at one point I blacked out because I stopped talking and the phone went dead.  I do remember calling her but not hanging up with her and I only remember tid bits of calling 911 and I couldn’t give them my address nor the name of my apartment complex because I could barely speak.  Things were getting black and hazy.

I made it back to my bed and my limbs began to tingle.  Next thing I know, 4 or 5 firemen and paramedics are in my room.  They were talking to The Boy (who handled all of this wonderfully, I might add) and they even gave him a little fireman’s hat.  The paramedics took my blood pressure.  It was low. But my heart and lungs were fine.

thCAS942INFast forward, I take a trip in the Ambulance to the E.R. and spend the next few hours in a bed there while they take my blood, get urine samples, x-ray my chest and check my heart again, all of which were fine.

Diagnosis: The elephant I felt on my chest all day, was acid reflux.  Fantastic….

The episode I had of cold and numbness….a panic attack.   Even better….

So, I came to the conclusion that weight loss isn’t my only problem.  Apparently, it is genetic that digestion problems, such as acid reflux, runs in the family.  I am getting that checked.  Although I don’t know what triggered it because I eat NO fast food, NO fried and NO fatty.  I am monitoring what else may have done it.  I’ve been fine since then though.  That was a week and a few days ago.

A funny “what the hell is that story?!?” stemming from my paranoia of an E.R. visit.  A few days ago I was lying down in my bed, my hands were on my stomach.  I then stretched and my fingers felt this lump just to the right of my upper stomach.  I feel a bit more going “damnit what now?” and hoping I wasn’t growing a tumor.  Then I realized what I was feeling…..my ribs.

That’s right folks.  I have NEVER seen nor felt my ribs since I can’t even remember.  I would guess since I was a child?  But there they were, my ribs.  Of course, I was stretching so they were more visible but it was a laughable moment indeed.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

6 more lbs down!
Total: 66 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

And that’s a wrap…Around the neck of online dating

Yup, it most certainly is.

I did my one month on Christian Mingle and have come to find that so called “Christian” men can be more arrogant, conceded and selfish than non-Christian men.  But I kind of knew that already.

In the one month this is what happened:

dude_clrsGuy #1 – Ghetto….so ghetto.  I don’t say that as a snob because I don’t want to be that way at all but a simple criteria I have is that you don’t talk like you are from the gangs of L.A.  Besides that, it sounds really un-intelligent to be calling me “dude” every other sentence.  First, I’m not a guy and second, it’s disrespectful.  That is how I roll.  Also, sarcasm at its max, is a BIG turn off for me.  Don’t get me wrong, I can deal with a sense of humor but to be correcting me all the time and being annoyingly sarcastic tells me, again, you have little respect for me and never will develop such respect.  So to Guy# 1, good luck finding that meek woman who will cower to your arrogance because you won’t see me cowering to anyone.

Guy #2 – This one I actually met after talking on the phone and that was where it ended.  I thought the meeting went well but apparently, I had my Quasimodo face on.  So much so that after a week of nothing, I get a text saying I wasn’t his “ideal”, although he thought I “spoke well”, whatever the heck that means.  I can only assume it meant I had brains but not the looks?  You take a guess.  So, to Guy #2, I’m not going to apologize for not being your “ideal”.  In fact, I’m glad I’m not your ideal because that just proves, again, that I won’t step down to accommodate arrogance, which you personify.

my_miniature_pinscher_ate_my_homework_binder-rdf898856dfee48e0abf8e2c24ceb362b_xz8dx_8byvr_512Guy #3 – I thought this one was actually going somewhere after a conversation on the phone.  I will admit, he was a sssllllloooowwww talker, meaning, he drolled on without wondering if I was interested and the words were slow to come out but I liked his conversation so I looked that over.  Then, there was nothing.  By that, I mean, there were no texts or calls, just nothing after that.  I even invited him to a Reign game which he gladly accepted.  However, I never heard from him after that.  I finally had to text him and ask if he was still interested in going to the game and he texted back saying his mother was in the hospital, or something like that.  Convenient.  I know, I’m passing a bit of judgment there, but really?  All the sudden it’s the “my grandma died and that’s why I need to leave school” line?  He was deleted from my phone.  So to Guy #3, next time, maybe you can try the “my dog ate your phone number” excuse? That would be more creative.

shutterstock_61996951Guy #4 – This one actually didn’t get past a message on the website.  I really liked his profile and I messaged him, despite the fact his profile said he “prefers” taller women.  I figured prefer doesn’t mean a must. Besides, I’m 5’4”, the average female height.  I got a message back from him stating “sorry, height is a must.  I just want a woman to at least reach my sternum”.  I didn’t even know what a sternum was and had to look it up but his attitude reeked of arrogance.  Also, his whole profile was all about “I like real woman who are Godly, women who like to laugh and enjoy life”….yada yada yada.  He should have added “but I really don’t care about all of that unless you are precisely the height that my arrogant and selfish personality requests.  OH and you will also cook, clean, have my babies and do my every  wish and command.”  Yeah, that would have been more realistic for him.  So to Guy #4, make sure that when you find that women who at least reaches your sternum that she is “God fearing” as well because all us Christians know that Jesus was all about being selfish and making sure YOU get what YOU want. Sheesh…

1334607965991_8985256Lastly, Guy #5 – Hmmm…this one.  We exchanged a few messages on the site and then I gave him my email.  He seemed down to earth, nothing really arrogant about him.  He has a good job, one son who plays baseball but he seems busy.  I know we are all busy but I believe that is one of the problems with all this.  Everyone is so sucked into their jobs, careers, kids, whatever, that there is no time to meet new people.  Anyway, we had a good but short texting conversation but then …nothing.  I figured my Quasimodo was showing again and this time through my texts so I deleted HIM from my phone since I figured he wasn’t interested after not responding for a few days.  I just got a text saying “Good Morning, Have a Good Day”.  I think it was from this guy but, I deleted it because technically, I had no idea who the number was.  So, Guy #5, you probably could have been a potential but I really just don’t have time for games.  If you want to get to know someone, show some friggin interest.  It takes 10 seconds to send a text.

And that is the end of that.  My subscription expired and I will not be renewing.  Men out there are ridiculous, just ridiculous.  I don’t need to continue on that site to see that it is just as hopeless as the other sites, if not worse because I’ve come to find so called “God Fearing” men are on such a high horse, they think they are actually the right hand of God and I most certainly don’t want to be associated or near THAT person when he comes before God to be told he wasn’t the right hand of anything.  The arrogance runs rampant among them.

MV5BMTY0Mjg5MjY5Nl5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwMDU4MjkxMDE@__V1_SX640_SY720_Can someone please just tell Benedict Cumberbatch  that I’m ready for his marriage proposal and will proudly be the mother of his children!?  Apparently, that is all he wants in life when asked about where he wants to be in his future.  I have no clue whether Mr. Cumberbatch is a Christian or not but he seems to be more of a gentleman and all around decent man than any other man I’ve run into in my past, ever.  I’m still flabbergasted that man has not found a good wife.  But he’s been known to say…and I quote “I’ve been broody since I was 12, but I can’t just get anyone pregnant, it has got to be the right person. To find the right person? Oh well, there’s always a way isn’t there –and I don’t mean the internet. I mean there are always moments and meetings and chance encounters. But to make meaningful relationships is very hard at the moment.“

If someone like Benedict, who is all about being gorgeous and being a gentleman, has trouble, I give up…..sorta.

But on the flip side…last night I caught Killer Clowns from Outer Space and the inner geek in me squee’d.  I certainly don’t need a man to a) lose 60 lbs and gain my confidence back and b) enjoy a great Horror Cheese and Crackers 80’s movie like Killer Clowns!

Weekly Weigh In – I’m back on track

I am back into my routine after a 6 lb gain over the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays.  The gain was mainly because I didn’t exercise for a long period of time due to my lower back going out and getting the flu at the beginning of December.  And of course the holiday goodies didn’t help.

I am just about back to the weight I was before the holidays and starting fresh.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

 4 lbs down!
Total: 60 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts


Kings Tickets? Yes please!

I hold in my hand these…..


The Boy and I will be seeing the Kings play the Canucks this Saturday evening.  As I look back in my life, I never, ever thought I would EVER get excited over going to a Kings hockey game.  In my youth, I barely knew hockey existed.  That wasn’t the sport I was raised on.  We were baseball (Dodger) fans.  Also, my father was never the sports kinda guy and I only had a younger sister.  No real brothers to speak of and no other men in my life so I never really was around sports much at all except for the occasional Dodger game.

This is a whole new world for me and I really am loving it.

This is the virtual view of our seats in the Premier section.

Kings seats

I wonder if they will allow me to bring in my Canon SLR to take some photos….

I just don’t get it…

I believe that when my mother gets me things that I don’t or can’t use it is just some sort of joke now.

I’ve mentioned before that my mom tends to gift me the strangest things.  Things I would never use or things I would think as my mother she would know me enough to know that I don’t even like.

This Christmas was no different.  For my birthday on December 2nd she got me boots that are not even my style or a style I’ve ever worn.  Luckily,  I was able to take them back for store credit and got boots more my style.

But the huge box I opened yesterday had me firmly convinced that this woman, doesn’t know me, her own daughter, or just doesn’t even care to.

I opened the huge box to this…


While I honestly think it’s a very neat product, as a non- soda or carbonated drinker, I would have zero use for it.  I mean, I do have my occassional Coke Zero every once in a while but I have no idea why she would think that I drink enough soda to warrant a machine to make it.  I drink water.  And she KNOWS that!  (I’m sorry but it really infuriates me that my mother doesn’t know me at all).

Then, the fact that she gave my sister the exact same thing and she IS a soda drinker and was ecstatic shows me, yet again, how not only my mother doesn’t care to know anything about me but will shove in my face how I’m the daughter she doesn’t care to know anything about.

I went online to guess on the cost of the set she gave me and let’s just put it this way.  She got me something I’ll never use for the same price it would have cost to get me a decent Disney Annual Pass, a gift that would have meant something to me.  So it wasn’t lack of money that caused this and I KNOW she isn’t clueless as to my sadness over not having my Disney Pass.

I’m honestly not trying to complain about a Christmas gift because I’m a spoiled brat.  She did get me some nice comfy pajamas (finally in the right size to, she forgets I’m 10 sizes smaller now than last Christmas) I just am so tired of no one caring enough about me to not even try to know what I like.  Not even my family cares to do that.  It really is hurtful.

And I try my best to listen and understand what people want.  My mother said she’s always cold in her house so I got her a nice fluffy and furry blanket.  I know my sister said she likes Bath & Body Works so I got her one of the more expensive bath sets.  Even my dad said he never got to see The Lone Ranger so I got him the BluRay.

But what fascinates me the most about this phenomenon is that people who are practically strangers (for example co-workers I’ve known for a short time) gift to me perfectly.  The attorney I work for got me L.A. Kings tickets.  He took the time to know we go to Ontario Reign hockey games and that my plays hockey.  An attorney I worked for two Christmas ago got me a cute Eeyore ornamant and Sally bottle and Eeyore Plushie.  He knew me all of 6 months and gifted me perfectly.

Anyway, it really depressed me how not one person on this planet cares about me enough to know what I like, to understand me.  I guess I’ll be putting that Soda making thing up on Craigslist soon enough.  Better to get some money out of it that have it sit in my cabinet, unused.

I wanted to add that I’m not really mad at her.  I just find this such an interesting occurrence between us.  And I have to just keep remembering that it was she and my dad that took out $2000 to give me to pay my divorce attorney so that I can take my ex-husband back to court.  She shows her support in other ways.  They are just not as endearing as how she shows my sister.

Or I’m just being a spoiled brat.  I am super tired, no exhausted, today and at work and bloated and crampy and scared out of my mind that I’ve eaten to much over the holidays and that I am gaining weight because I haven’t had time to work out.  I’m on the edge right now anyway.

Holidays Weigh In

Ugh..just ugh.  My last Weigh in post was here and it was a LONG time ago.  October 28th, to be exact.

This will qualify as a “Weigh In” entry but it will also qualify as a “oops..let’s get back on this train” plea to myself.  However, trying to stay on the bright side, this post is the first of all the weight loss posts I’ve been doing since May that is negative in the fact that I’ve gained weight back in the past 2 months.

I think one of the things I’ve come to HATE most about my eternal life of constant monitoring of food that goes in and exercise that goes out, is that the weight can ALWAYS come back and you better believe it will come back threefold.

I was hit with my first holiday season and tried very hard.  During Thanksgiving, I tried to keep away from the carbs and do more protein.  It kind of worked.

The first two weeks of December, I got the flu and my lower back went out forcing me to stop exercising.  Just last week, I’ve been back to 3-4 times a week on the treadmill and lifting weights.

Last night, realizing that I’m back in my exercise routine and fully recovered from my lower back pain (kinda) and the flu, I got on the scale in the work out room.  I was thrown back into reality.  According to that scale, I have gained 4 lbs since the beginning of November.

I have just returned from the Medical Clinic that started me on this road back in May and yes, the weight gain is 4 lbs.  I’ve adjusted my ticker to the right to reflect such and I will go from there.  I have paid for another 10 weeks of appetite suppressants and vitamin injections at the clinic and will kick start this again.  On the positive side, at least I’m starting at a much lower weight than 245 and puts me THAT much closer to my goal.


Upon reflection though, in the past, when I’ve come to this certain fork in the road when I see the weight creeping back and the food takes over, usually what happens is I give up.  The weight returns and then about 40 more lbs follow it.  That is how I reached 245 in the first place.

I looked at those numbers, realizing, it’s only FOUR lbs.  However, over time, 4 can easily turn into 40.  I will not allow this.  I know me.  If I allowed myself to get fat again, that would be the end of my mental state, my energy, my motherhood and life on many levels.  I know me….gaining it back, would kill me on the inside and work it’s way out.

This weight loss has opened up my eyes to so many things and not just on the “looks” part of it or fitting into a size 8 for the first time in…well ever!  My health is the best it’s been in years,  my monthly visitor is MUCH more manageable (believe me, that in itself is enough to not falter.  I dreaded Aunt Flo every month and the mess she always created).

The bottom line is…I will not let food win.  I will not let the little peanut butter and chocolate squares sitting just inches from my desk right now, win.  I have a divorce court date coming up in either February or March (more on THAT in another post) and I will NOT let my ex-husband or even my divorce attorney see a defeated and fat single mother.

Most importantly, God did NOT imbue in me the strength I’ve mustered since May to lose 60 lbs just to waste it away and gain it back.  I’m tired of disappointed God and I’m sure He’s tired of it to.  Sometimes, I feel it’s the only thing I can give back to Him since I tend to hold grudges on His choices on how my life is going BUT that is another post as well.

On the more selfish side, my sister has lost 10 lbs since she started at a medical clinic for weight loss and I CAN’T let her win!  I mean that in healthy good competition.  For the first time in years….I have the upper hand in our relationship and I’m winning.  In the past, she always won everything from earning our parents love more to buying her own home and everything in between.  In this, I WON…and it will stay that way.  Besides, my weight loss encouraged her to start her own weight loss and she really needed it.  I believe her mental state about herself was worse than me and what made it worse is that she held it all in and puts up so many wallsthat even I, her sister, can’t punch through them.  Weight loss would benefit her even more than me.

For the first time, ever, in the battle of my fat that began when I was 12 years old….I AM IN FUCKING CONTROL.

38 years Married

HappyAnniversaryMickeyandMinnieToday, my parents celebrate their 38th wedding Anniversary.  Even if I met a man tomorrow and married him the next day, I probably couldn’t make it to almost 40 years of marriage simply because I would probably die first.  Not many now a days can claim that many years married to the same person.

The length of their marriage, I believe, is the reason why I never had a successful marriage and my sister will never be married.  It’s kind of like a curse.  My parents are soul mates only in the fact that my father allowed my mother to rule the roost, so to speak, but on all levels.  He made no decisions without her and did nothing without her.  He allowed her to run all with very little input from himself and putting up with her antics and believe me, she threw out some whopping doozy of adult tantrums from what I remember, even though she denies them all to this day and apparently, I was living a different childhood with different parents than from what I remember, so I’m the crazy one.

I’m really not putting down that they have been married for 38 years because I really do  believe that one can not live without the other, even though one (my mother) wouldn’t admit to it but probably will if she is the spouse left standing, should my father die first.  But more important to my “curse” theory is that I believe that a man like my Dad is the only type of man who would be able to deal with a woman like my mother and even women like myself and my sister. We are VERY tough cookies to crack, if we ever get cracked and we tend to be over dramatic and have non-diagnosed Biplor as well, no joke.  I think I’m a little more pliable and controlling of my rants than my sister and mother as I have more of an emotional side than they do, hence, I tend to be a more tender person.

So, I firmly believe there is no man on the planet suited for our types of personality.  I stand by that assumption because my sister and I are both alone and tolerant of very little.  My sister is worse than me.  I’m just exhausted of dealing with men who are out right assholes, which is pretty much all of them.

So Happy Anniversary to my parents and thanks to you both for making sure that my sister and I never have a long lasting marriage or marriages at all because you have had such a “successfully” long one.

Re-thinking the car of my dreams

First, I will say yes, the car of my dreams is super girly. Ask me if I care?!


I really wanted a VW Beetle, preferably the newest model, in Candy Red and who knows, maybe I WOULD have put the eyelashes on the headlights or the black spots to make it look like an actual lady bug.



I am currently driving a VW 2009 Jetta and have been for the past year. In all honesty, it sucks. The amount of things wrong with it and the money I’m putting into it should not be happening to a 2009.  With that and on top of the fact that apparently VW parts are hard to come by and expensive, therefore fixing it pretty much costs 2 months salary.  Or maybe I’m just dumb.

Either way, I think I may have to re-consider a VW when I can finally afford the car of my dreams, which would be after I’m done bringing down what I owe on this Jetta pile of trash car so I can use it for some sort of trade in.

I’m remembering the cars I’ve had in the past and I would say the Toyota Matrix and the Nissan Murano were my most favorite.

matrix-barbershopThe Matrix took a huge hit when I ran something over on the freeway and got the front bumper ripped off.  It was also the car that drove me, every day, almost 100 miles from my parents house to Los Angeles.  It was very reliable in that sense.  The reason why I got rid of that car was because my ex-husband’s name was also on it.  I traded that car in for the Nissan Murano

MuranoThe Murano I really liked.  I didn’t have any troubles with it.  It traded in for a nice value as well.  Now, WHY did I trade it in?  I think I was getting that “itch” for something new.  I should have just gotten a new Murano.  Getting rid of the Murnao was a mistake though because that was a good car and I hardly had ANY trouble with it.


So, I’m leaning towards another Nissan, maybe a Murano or maybe a Juke.  I really like the Jukes.  I like how the Jukes are round in the front with the weird rounded headlights.  I like sleek rounded cars.  Yes, I’m weird like that.

I don’t even know why I’m thinking about this at all.  It’s going to take me 5 years to pay off my piece of crap Jetta because it’s all going to interest.  I won’t be able to highly consider another car until I’m walking with a cane or win the lottery.

A few days until Xmas

And I’m still just not feeling it. Or I’m on the fence about how I’m feeling. I did get excited when I found a singing house just a few blocks from my apartment and plan to get The Boy, coffee and hot cocoa, and just parking the car in front and enjoying. I love when people light up their houses and sync the lights to music.

Holiday-shoppingOn the re-opening of my child support case, I ran into a snag. I used some of the $2000 my mother gave me and didn’t have enough to cover the $2000 check I sent to them. In my defense though, I did use it to finish my Xmas shopping.  I know..I know…I already ripped myself a new one for not planning that properly. Anyway, I got it squared away with the help of a nice Xmas bonus check given to me yesterday, $60 given to me by my ex-husband for medical co-payments and prescriptions (demanding that money from him was at the advice of my attorney) and my current child support amount posted this morning. I now have enough to finally pay my attorney to start this case. I get more money on Friday from my paycheck but not much since I was out sick for a few days without pay.

handing-over-moneySo that will be all for me regarding money until after the New Year. Hopefully, I don’t get my utilities and cell phone shut off since I had to forgo paying those bills JUST to save Xmas.  I barely had enough to send frozen waffles to The Boy’s class for his Xmas Breakfast they are having.  I wished I were exaggerating when I say that my fridge has been empty for weeks, and I can’t afford frozen waffles.  I get to make the fantastic choice of gas or food or getting utilities shut off or being late on my rent all the time and I normally don’t choose the late on the rent option because it only takes being 3 days late before the apartment has Sheriff knocking on the door, kicking me out.  It’s happened once before and the fees to get that all straightened out was VERY painful.

The-Lone-Ranger-2013I do still need to pick up The Lone Ranger DVD for my dad.  He is a bit of a cowboy fanatic in his old age.  It’s kinda cute.  I actually went into his “Retirement Man Cave” just last week for pretty much the first time in months and I was very impressed with how strategically he has placed John Wayne posters and cowboy paraphernalia on the walls and around the room.  It warmed my heart because that small room, is exactly who my Daddy is.  He said he wanted The Lone Ranger DVD for Xmas since I couldn’t really get him any more paraphernalia as the walls and every inch of the room was stuffed.

I am taking some money and very much looking forward to seeing Saving Mr. Banks on Friday night and we have Universal Studios planned for Saturday.  I’m not feeling much into the Amusement Park mood mostly because I will not be seeing the Xmas Disneyland decorations for only the 2nd Xmas in the past 9 years and as silly, childish and stupid as it sounds, it makes me so sad to the point of tears. But I guess Grinchmas will have to do.

I’m such a spoiled brat.

Oh look at that…I’m still alive…

I guess now would be as good a time as ever to write up the world’s longest update post.

The end of 2013 is proving to be full of twists and turns and even loop holes.  I will break it down into a few different sections, more to satisfy my OCD than anything else.  So without further adieu, the last few months of my existence, broken down into categories and in no particular order, (I warned you all about my OCD right?).


There is never an easy or 1, 2, 3 type divorce.  Although I will admit, my divorce 10 years ago went as much in my favor as it could have, especially compared to other divorces.  However, I knew the day would come when I would have to dish out another chunk of money to get what I needed.  That day has come.

As of this week, I borrowed a nice chunk of money from my parents and I have put down a huge retainer to re-hire my previous divorce attorney to re-open my case from 2005.  The decision to do this was prompted because I realized that my ex-husband makes a lot more money now than he did back in 2005 and I make a lot less than I did back in 2005. child-support-image-624x499

My attorney, after roughly looking at our incomes, feels I should be getting double of the child support that I’m currently receiving.  The main thing going against my ex-husband is that he has 0% time with The Boy.  He hasn’t seen him in almost 9 years.  I am 100% full custodial parent, therefore, all expenses, on a 24/7 basis, come out of my pocket.

If all goes well, instead of $496 monthly child support I currently get, my attorney is going to see I get close to $1300 a month.

That amount is according to my yearly income and my ex-husband’s yearly income.  That number is not me wanting to clean my ex out….it is based on our incomes, nothing more.

That is how much MORE he makes than me, yet I have The Boy 100%.

Sounds friggin’ fair to me!!!


Rose Smith: Money. I hate, loathe, despise and abominate money.

Mr. Alonzo Smith: You also spend it.

—Quoted from “Meet Me in St. Louis”

money22Money can prove to be another love/hate relationship that I have developed.  I hate that life in general depends on it.  For the past few months, I’ve been seriously living paycheck to paycheck, as I’m sure all of America is.  However, my last resort is moving back in with my parents and in all honestly, I would rather slit my wrists that do that again.  Nothing against them, we just cannot live together, it can’t happen.

I also hate that I don’t have enough money to enjoy life.  And don’t tell me “oh you can enjoy life without money”.  It’s a lie.  Sure I can go for a walk or take The Boy to a park but does it cost gas to drive anywhere? Yup.  And maybe the walk would cost nothing, until someone gets hungry or wants ice cream.

Then, don’t get me started on how I can’t keep food in my fridge at all.  Remember, I eat nothing.  Some nights, my dinner consists of a bowl of corn flakes or 2 hard boiled eggs.  That kid is eating me out of house and home and still demands more.

That is why I am taking my ex-husband back to court (see above).  I mean sure I could live in the ghetto and my kid could go to the worst school in the state but I’m going to try everything I can to keep off of welfare and keep out of the ghetto.  Call me a snob if you want but that is just how I was raised.  No free hand outs and all options must have been tried before it becomes dire straits.

It all keeps adding up though.  My car also needs about $1000 of work done and I have the warning lights popping up left and right.  I need all new tires as the ones I have are apparently balding.  I need new brakes and a couple of other things. But it all added up to well over $1000.

I’m hoping that I can squeeze as much out of my tax refund in February as I can to pay back my parents for the divorce attorney retainer and get my car fixed and then, that leads me to…

The Cat

As I posted back in October, my cat spent three nights in the hospital due to Kidney failure and dehydration.  They were able to get him into much better shape and I took him home.  Since then, I’ve gone out of my way every month to get his supply of Renal LP food directly from the vet and he has been doing fine.  I was told he might need about $600 of dental work done at a later date.IMG_20131210_222227

The past few days, he has been doing the gagging thing while he eats, again.  I believe it is due to his teeth.  I was hoping, being that he is 5 years old and half way through his life, I would be able to get through the next 5 or so years with no problems.  That is what I get for thinking.

There is no way I can afford another $600 of dental work and the two credit cards I have are already maxed out what with having to squeeze money from my ass to pay for my divorce attorney.  I am no longer getting approved for any more credit so I’m at my credit card cap.

I’m going to play it by ear and try and mush up his food as best as I can to get him to eat without gagging.  He also needs to learn not to scarf down his food, even though he is an animal, he can’t eat like one or he chokes.  I’m hoping just mushing his food and giving him little bits will help him eat slower.  But he is a stubborn cat….if he starts to associate the food with him gagging, he won’t go near it and he can’t, nor will he, eat any other store brand food.  The food I give him now is a vet prescription for his Renal failure.  He could go back to starving himself again.

I don’t even want to think about losing that cat…damn him…I love him so much.

Ugh..moving on…


Meh, the end of November/beginning of December was tough.  I didn’t exercise much because of Thanksgiving cutting into my routine and of course Thanksgiving provided plenty of food to eat but I tried to steer clear of carbs and just eat turkey, lots of turkey.

Then the week after Thanksgiving, my lower back when out and I got the flu. I was out of work for 2 days last week.  I just need a really long deep tissue massage because the amount of stress and pain that is piercing my back and neck daily is almost enough to make me scream.  But how much does a massage cost? and oh..that’s right, I have NO husband to lightly rub my back for me so, a simple massage is in my dreams.  I’m still waking up with no strength in my lower back to even sit up.  I also believe alot of it is my sciatica because the twinging pain goes down both my legs pretty much all day.  I’m just living with it.

thSo day by day I endure the physical pain and just smile and nod so everyone thinks I’m holding it together when in essence, I just want to rip my spine out and pop it back into place.

But that takes me into….


375x321_lose_weight_fast_how_to_do_it_quickly_ref_guideAh, here is another part of my daily existence I have to constantly be thinking about.  I must monitor all that goes into my pie hole.  Actually, I don’t mind doing that and the My Fitness Pal app really helps out with monitoring food intake versus exercise output.  It is when I lack exercise that I start to feel my muscles that I’ve worked so hard on developing, start to deflate like a pierced balloon.

However, I have managed to maintain my weight and the total loss of 62 lbs.  I’ve gained nothing even though I haven’t been on the appetite suppressants for over a month and haven’t been to visit the clinic for the injections due to me needing to pay a balance to start up another 10 weeks of visits.  So in essence, I can do it on my own.  But I still have at least 30 more to lose before I get to the “on my own completely” point with only visits to the clinic for the vitamin injections and maintenance.  However, I just bought a size 8 pair of pants making me officially down 10 pants sizes since April, from a size 18 to the now size 8.

And guess what?  According to the BMI charts, I’m still in the “Obese” category so apparently a size 8 is obese.  The BMI charts can kiss my size 8 ass.


I broke down and paid for a membership on Christian Mingle.com  I haven’t been on there long enough to really establish my opinions about it but on the surface, it seems like there are a lot less crazies there than Match or any of those free places.  Those free sites are scary. Uh, yeah…I think my opinion is starting to become established.  So called “Christian”‘ men are just as much ass holes and jerks as any other man, if not worse.

I really just can’t move in a positive direction in the dating category.  I have a condition that doesn’t allow me to deal well with men who are sarcastic, egotistical and want only one thing.  Then throw in someone who thinks they are better than you in every way, and I’m done.

I have better things to do.

The Boy

One of my favorite movies

One of my favorite movies

I really can’t put my finger on what kind of relationship I have with The Boy.  There are parts of his personality that are coming out that I really do not like.  He argues way to friggin’ much.  He also gets way to moody and in a stinky attitude if he doesn’t get his way.  I’ve taken to just sending him to his room when he gets the pouting face and stinky attitude if he doesn’t get what he wants.  I don’t even want to see him.  Then, minutes later, he comes out all wanting hugs and cuddles and I’m like “really kid?”.  I’m telling you, he is bipolar.

Then again, he comes from me and I’m riding the roller coaster of emotions sometimes.  However, ungratefulness is something I won’t tolerate and I think I spoil him.  He is becoming greedier and greedier each Christmas and that just doesn’t sit well with me.  It reflects off of me and makes me look pretty bad.  But I have to remember, I am fighting more “Nature” than anything and he still has his father’s assholery genetics.  I spend a lot of my energy trying to erase genetics and that may be a losing battle.

But damn did I make a good looking human.  My kid is so handsome!

The Family

Ah, my family.  I find it truly interesting to love and despise someone, at the same time.  My mother, I just don’t know what to feel about her sometimes.  I think I need to just makes friends with the fact that it is just what it is.  She and my father took money out of my father’s retirement to give to me to retain my divorce attorney (see above) and if I hadn’t been given that money I wouldn’t have been able to move forward with changing my child support.  For that, I love them both.Funny-eCards-9

But sometimes, she just needs to learn to keep her mouth shut.  However, in her defense, we all kind of do.  I know I tend to have foot in mouth disease on occasion.

My sister, she is on the losing weight bandwagon now which is an even bigger motivation for me to stay at a weight below her.  She has also joined a medical clinic as I have and takes the appetite suppressants and tries to cut out carbs.  She has lost about 10 lbs so far.  I really hope that this is the breaking point for her as it has been for me.  I hope that she tells herself to never go back and sure, we may falter and eat one to many pieces of pizza but we get back on track.  She needs to get a hold of her body more than me because her weight really brings her down desperately and she really becomes very scary to be around and her depression becomes palpable.

We cancelled the Montana trip on Christmas week to visit my other sister.  It was going to be to expensive and time consuming and I really couldn’t take that much time off work but more importantly, there was NO way I was taking a 3 day/3 state driving trip with my mother, father and sister.  I would have run us off the road just to end the anguish.


I have moments where I feel I have failed at just about every aspect of my life.  I failed at my marriage 10 years ago.  I failed at being able to support my child and myself financially because I’m living paycheck to paycheck and sometimes not even with enough in a paycheck.  I feel I’ve failed to work on myself so that I could attract a decent male to accompany me in this journey of life.  I really think there is just something wrong with me which is why I don’t have a man.  It’s not my weight because I don’t have that issue anymore.  I thought I was just plain ugly which could still be the case but maybe, I just have a rotten personality, which is why I attract absolutely no one which explains why I don’t have a husband or friends.  Or it could be that men are jerks (see Dating section above).thCAROPVN4

I’m not confirming that is the case, I’m just throwing out theories because I just don’t know but this is where the depression stems from.

I’m going to be brutally honest here but, sometimes, I get so lonely that if there was a sharp object or even gun around, I can say that I would not be writing this post at all…it would be over.  I think it comes to that point because of the type of person I am.  I crave affection and human touch.  I haven’t had an adult hug me, that wasn’t my parents or sisters, in the past 10 years.

DID YOU READ THAT…10 YEARS!  It’s like my soul is dying inside of this shell of flesh I walk around in.  But I don’t give in because I just keep thinking, “Who would take care of my son”.  I mean if something did happen to me, my sister would step forward and even though we disagree on a lot, there are aspects of raising children we do agree on and I can trust to her follow my footsteps.  But I wouldn’t be there.

Damn Satan and his invention of Depression.

But then I move onto…..

Things I’m looking forward to….

Christmas, although this year, I really haven’t been feeling the cheer of it all.  Mainly that is because of the lack of funds for all the big things The Boy wants but then I get annoyed at his greediness and selfishness sometimes.  But it could also be because I’m just plain alone.  I have no one to share any of the season with, other than The Boy but that is not the same.  I put up all my decorations all alone and I sit, each night, looking at my tree, all alone.  It all really just makes me so depressed.

However, I do love this season.  I love that it gets cold (even though, as I get older I realized the cold does a nasty number on my bones).  I love seeing all the decorations and lights go up on houses and driving at night to see them.

There are also some fantastic movies coming out.  Saving Mr. Banks is #1 on my must see list, along with The Hobbit and Madea’s Christmas.  I enjoyed Thor immensely and really like the whole storyline and the tie up with all the Avengers and Shield.  Yeah, I’m a nerd like that but I love it.

Olaf-In-Frozen-Movie-HD-WallpaperI also saw Frozen and actually really enjoyed it.  My favorite character was Olaf, the talking snowman who likes warm hugs and longs to spend a day warm in the sun on the beach…poor delusional snowman.  There was one scene where he had me laughing long after the scene was over.  I haven’t laughed like that in so long it felt good.  I loved him so much, the next day I went to the Disney outlet and got me an Olaf plushie of my own.  I give him warm hugs.


Ah yes, that omnipresence that hovers over me telling me not to give into sin and temptation yet insists I endure day after day of temptaion and sin topped with lonely heart ache.  The Good Lord is also turning out to be another love/hate relationship with me.  I will never understand why He thinks my life of loneliness will ever prompt me to want to follow Him fully and purely, but on the other hand, I still do.tumblr_lqqtbpkVFB1qj065bo1_500

It’s also apparent that even though I’ve lost enough weight to be down 8 sizes He makes a point to show me that the weight wasn’t the problem.  The fact that I’m pretty much the plainest and to put it simply, ugliest person on the planet, keeps me from ever getting rid of my life of loneliness.  Of course, in all of this I’m using satire (so don’t start telling me I have some sort of self perception disorder) to get the point across but the point is, God wants me to be alone.

Thanks God.  Let’s just come to terms with the fact that You’ve pretty much left me to rot in a sea of loneliness and even though You’ve made sure to flaunt every single happy couple in front of me during this lonely holiday season, I will still follow You because it’s better to be lonely in this life of flesh than burning for eternity in the Lake of Fire.

Right???  *sigh*

Last but not least…

funny-birthday-ecards-15I found one thing that I do very well.  Getting old

On Dec 2nd I turned 37 years old.  Big Friggin’ Deal is what I say.  I am not growing old gracefully and hate that my youth is being wasted away in these lonely, terribly lonely years I have to look forward to.  So my birthday is just a reminder of the day that this lonely life of mine began.   I could care less about it.

I think that all just about covers it.

It’s been a long time…..

It’s been a long time…with a lot going on.

On the weight front, I have not returned to the clinic nor am I taking the appetite suppressants at the present.  It has been tough to not eat anything and everything all the time.  I haven’t gained anything as I’m still exercising 4-5 times a week including weight lifting (my arms are getting muscles and the bat wings are disappearing) but I can see it creeping back over time if I don’t watch what I’m putting into my mouth.  I’ve consumed more chocolate and Almond Roca than I care to admit.  I will be returning to the clinic this Friday to sign up for another 10 weeks as I still need to get down another 40 pounds.  I need to get started on the medications again and get my vitamin shots.  But I am at a total of 60 pounds lost.  I am really going to have to get in the proper disciplined mind set for the upcoming food frenzied holidays.

Family drama is at its best, as usual.  What I have come to find is that if outside elements such as certain horrible skeletons in the closet and the sister’s of my mother, would not stick their claws into my mother’s, my sister’s and my life, we would actually be fine.  I’m just plain sick of it all.  However, my mother and I still disagree on a lot and we have nasty blow outs (this last Saturday being one which ended in her mocking my lonely depression pain by playing a “violin” and saying “whoa is me” and me tell her “fuck you”….yeah…it was ugly) BUT we always return to each other and unspoken apologies are…well…unspoken and I’ll accept an unspoken apology as opposed to no apology.



My cat is doing MUCH better.  He is my little Fuzzy Face and I love him SOOO much that it weirds me out how much I do!  He’s a brat though.  I got my Xmas tree up this past weekend and he was all over it playing with the ornaments but so far, nothing broken and he has since lost interest.


My Christmas Tree

Speaking of getting my Xmas decorations, they are up.  I mean, sheesh, a local station is already playing Xmas music as I type this so what is wrong with getting my decorations up even before Thanksgiving.  I needed the holiday cheering up anyway and Xmas lights and Xmas songs will cheer me up every time.

I am still as lonely as ever.  I have, once again, come to the conclusions that I will never find a man to love me because of the horrific combination that I don’t trust men and that most are liars and cheats.  I know that sounds so cliché but I call it like I see it.  However, I’m taking the steps to get out of the overall lonely mode in general.  I’ve made friends with the parents of The Boy’s best bud in school.  I took both boys to the Ontario Fury Soccer game yesterday and it was fantastic!  The Boy is also going to be spending a day of Thanksgiving break with his friend so I get a night off.  It’s also nice to see a good, hard working family is a part of my kid’s life.

I am no longer going to Montana to visit my sister for Xmas.  The expense was going to be much but most of all, I couldn’t take a 3 days road trip with my mother and sister.  I know I would lose my mind and I know they would to, having to deal with me and my grumpy attitude sometimes.  Also, my car is not up to par.  I just had a quote of almost $1000 of work that needs to be done.  I had planned on going to San Francisco to the Walt Disney Museum over the Thanksgiving weekend but I had to fix my car and I couldn’t afford a rental.  So those repairs need to get done.

So, I’m taking that money I was going to spend and after sending out my niece and nephew their presents and getting all my other Christmas gifts (mostly gift cards), I’m getting a 3 day multi—pass to Disneyland and getting a hotel room nearby and spending the weekend after Xmas there.  I miss my Annual Pass tremendously (although I have a plan in the works on getting those back again) so I want to spend some time at my “Happy Place” and rejuvenate my smile again.

Other than that…I’m still here trekking along.

The Nothing….is winning

This will not be a fun happy post.  This will not recap all the wonderful things happening to me lately.  In fact, I would like to cover how my brain is slowly being taken over by The Nothing.

mx_040KeanuReevesFor those who have seen The Matrix, there is a scene, in the first film of that Trilogy, where Neo is hooked up and they are pulling him out of the Matrix and he begins to hallucinate that he is being covered with some sort of silver, metallic goo which slowly starts to cover his whole body

This is a perfect example of how The Nothing is slowly covering my soul.  I try to stay strong, be with God and believe He has a plan for me and my loneliness.  For the most part, I do believe He has a plan.  That plan is for me to be alone, to not have one friend (yes, I have not one single solitary friend) and He also plans for me to never find love.

On a daily basis, I do not enjoy this plan.  In fact, I give this plan the bird, because, even if I made mistakes in my past, I certainly am not deserving of this pain now.

So, let’s discuss pain.  I have found that heart ache, emotional and mental pain is so much worse than any physical pain I could ever feel.

I will now admit something which prompted me to make this blog private

On a daily basis, I have to stay away from sharp objects and garages where a car is left running and I’m sure you ALL understand what I mean.  Some days, I feel like any physical pain is better than this emotional torment that drags me the 7th level of hell.  On a daily basis, I want to just not exist anymore.

But then where would that leave my child?  The Boy who relies on me not being a bitch of a yelling mother to him.  It is enough that he has to occasionally deal with my outburst of mental instability.  Even though those occurrence are VERY few, they do happen.  Just last week, I lost it with him because I had told him, for the 5th time, to make his bed.  Where did I find him? In front of that damned TV.  I lost it.  The result was broken Chima Lego sets and everything on the floor and me yelling “Clean it UP!” before I stormed out of his room and slamming the door.

I did return to apologize, help him and explain WHY I had reached that point.  I’m done hearing myself nag.  However, I still felt he needed an explanation and an apology, something I never received in the almost daily occurrence of my own mother’s bipolar mental outbreaks (but now I understand why as she had 3 kids to deal with and one was not even hers) which usually included a lot more than just broken toys on the floor.  I’d be lucky if I walked away from those without a knot in my head or a bloody nose.  Of course, I had a mouth on me and that didn’t help.  But I digress…

I find it hard, lately, to find any hope in anything, to find any happiness in anything.  I have lost my smile, my laugh and I surely miss them.

I simply exist.  I go to work, pay my bills, feed my child, feed my cat and that is all.  I no longer eat (I do not exaggerate, I would say I get about 900 calories a day simply because food offers no joy anymore, neither in taste or anything) and wouldn’t have any food in the fridge if it weren’t for feeding a constantly hungry boychild.  I don’t sleep anymore, surviving on about 3-4 hours a night.

I’m tired of seeing the wicked of this world win…seeing people in relationships and using and/or abusing their significant others while I live a life of lonliness.  A life completely void of any human touch or affection.

It is this void that feeds The Nothing.  That void, which should be filled with love of another, is just a void and The Nothing ravishes this void with vigor.  It consumes me and makes me feel soul-less.

It will probably pass.  I will continue to go to work, feed my kid, do my exercise, pet my cat but I am a shell of a person just robotically swaying through the motions.

Inside, there just feels like nothing…

But hey, I did get a $25 AMC card for dressing up at work on Halloween. I get to see Thor this weekend…that is IF The Boy doesn’t complain because he doesn’t want to see it.



My blog will be going PRIVATE.  To be able to access my blog is by invitation only.

I am doing this for one main reason and that is I really don’t like that as of late, I’ve had VERY shady followers.  Some followers are spam followers but last straw for me was a porn blog that started following me.  I thought that WP didn’t allow porn to use wordpress.com as their blog but apparently that is a lie.  I don’t feel comfortable with those kinds of “blogger” following my posts.

If you would like an invite to my blog please request such in this post.  Posting will be the only way that I will send you an invite.

It will be going private within the next day.



*EDIT* I wanted to add that I will also be cleaning up the blogs that I follow.  More than likely if I have noted that you want to be invited, I’ll not drop following you 🙂

Weekly Weigh In – Changed things up a bit..

I did something different this time.  I did not check in at the clinic this past Friday.  My 10 weeks there are up and I will have to pay for another round of 10 weeks but, I think I’m just going to buy the medication separately, which i just take every other day now anyway, and just go in maybe twice a month for the Lipo injection.  I don’t know when I’m going back in though.  I’m tempted to buy another 10 weeks just to keep myself on track for the last 30 or 40 lbs I need to lose.

I did weigh myself on the scale in my apartment’s workout room Saturday morning and I was pleasantly shocked.

What were the results??

 4 lbs lost this week

Total: 59 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

I changed my work out just a bit.  I added another arm weight lifting routine because I am still working on these batwings that appeared.  I’m really hating them especially since I am lifting weights specifically on that target area.  Blegh.

I am also jogging more than just power walking.  I guess it worked because 4 lbs in a week is pretty good.

Weekly Weigh In – I’m officially at a plateau…..

*sigh*  This past Tuesday was probably the worse “binge” day I’ve had since starting this journey back in May.  Not only did I have way to much chocolate cake at work but I ate the In N Out fries my kid didn’t eat that night AND finished his strawberry shake.  And I didn’t work out that evening because that is the evening that I take The Boy to hockey lessons.

The next day, I felt like a weighed down beached whale.  I have to keep reminding myself I am no where NEAR the maintenance point yet, where I can binge every once in a while like that.  I still have a good 50 more lbs to drop.

What happened Tuesday, must never happen again.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

 Nothing this week 😦

Total: 55 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Once again, I have lost nothing.  So, I believe that I’m officially at a plateau.  Today, I lost nothing.  Last week, I lost 2 and the week before, I lost nothing.

And I feel that I have so much further to go.  I know that I’ve come so far but sometimes it seems that the end of this road is getting further and further away with each step of progression I achieve.  It’s such a weird psychological phenomenon.

I need to purchase another 10 weeks at the medical clinic but I may have to put that on hold as I need to find the money from somewhere.  I do want to keep getting the Vitamin injections.  I’m not one to be disciplined enough to take vitamins every day so getting the injections weekly is good for me.  I will have to see what I can do or how I can budget it since now, I owe my step-grandmother about $900 on her Care Credit card that paid for my cat’s hospitalization and meds.

One thing that I haven’t put up in a while is BMI

BMI at starting weight:

BMI 42

BMI at current weight:

BMI 32 190 lbs

I am amazed that I’m STILL in the “Obese” section.  I guess a size 10 is considered obese now?!

But that is what I’m talking about when I say this just seems like a VERY long road.  What weighs heavy on my mind is that I absolutely CAN NOT go back to being fat.  There is WAY to much at risk.  And in all honesty, I made it that way with this blog, with kind of  bragging to others about a significant weight loss.  I gain that all back and I’m just a loser.  I know, I’m not really, it’s just what my inner brain tells me.  So in a way, it’s GOOD that I’ve put myself in this place.  It holds me accountable and that is what is keeping my progression going.

More importantly, The Boy deserves a healthier mom.  I can’t let that kid down.

I must keep losing and stay on track.  There is more at stake here than just looks.  I need to figure out how to get out of this stagnant place.  I am literally 1 lb away from exiting another number milestone.  I might change up my exercise?  Or maybe just not binge on In N Out fries and Strawberry shakes…yeah THAT may be the answer!  Sheesh!

Yeah, can I just spend the rest of my life drunk?


I know, bad title especially for those who do deal with drinking problems, but I really have to admit…these past few days I’ve just wanted to drink my existence into oblivion.

I’m so emotionally drained.  The cat threw up on Saturday but the reason why is unknown to me.  He may have eaten to fast or something.  He hasn’t thrown up again and is seeming to be doing fine.  He is VERY clingy to me now though.  Now, he only eats his dinner IN my lap, nowhere else.  I would feed him all meals in my lap if it would get him to eat and gain weight but I have to work and can’t.  So, only his dinners are in my lap, on the couch.  I will now have to work my evening schedule around lap feeding my cat.  What’s funny is if you knew this cat’s personality, being clingy and cuddly is NOT what this cat is about so the constant “I MUST be sitting right on your lap” attitude he’s adopted is new for me.  I like it, but then realize, it’s just another whiny, clingy living creature I have to contend with.

I also have to give him medications, twice a day.  Antacids, for the upset tummy and Antibiotics for the mouth infection.  Apparently, there is no easy way to give a cat medications through a syringe or dropper.  He fights me every time and sometimes, sprays the medication all over the place and me because he shakes his head.  This morning, I made the mistake of getting fully dressed for work BEFORE giving him his meds.  Let’s just say I had to change just before walking out the door.

The total cost for this whole ordeal, after 3 nights of hospitalization, the initial first visit and the two meds and special food: $916.00  I have no words….

Anyway, the other clingy, whiny creature I contend with is The Boy.  I swear, I love that kid to death but he seriously needs to just grow a pair.  Harsh, I know, but he whines and complains at every little scratch or bump.  He hit his head while playing soccer at school and got a sore in his mouth, where the ball hit him.  Now it’s whining and moaning every time he eats because it stings the sore.  I say suck it up kid!  You want to play ice hockey?  You gotta learn to suck it up!  Are you  bleeding? No.  Anything broken? No. Then suck it up!

I’m mean, I know but hell! I used to play volleyball with dislocated fingers and busted knees!  My coach would say “wrap that up and let’s go!  You’re our best setter!”

The Boy needs to suck it up….

On top of that, I had another riling verbal go at it with my mother and sister after church on Sunday.

My sister…I laugh at her sometimes.  Not because I’m making fun of her but because she is trying to hold onto the last dying hope that our mother will actually stop trying to control our lives and not have “selective amnesia” when it comes to things we say.  I’ve told my mother I do NOT like when The Boy interrupts our adult conversations just so he can get a game on her iPad or to get her to turn her mobile WiFi on.  He knows to NEVER do that with me nor when my sister and I our talking.  Yet, when my mother is there…he turns into a disrespectful little bugger.  It’s because she allows it.

So, apparently, my mother doesn’t remember the 50 times I’ve told her that I will not allow disrespectful interrupting from The Boy, even though my sister backed up pretty much each time I’ve told her, as she has heard me say it to our mother, multiple times.  Nope, I get a “You have NEVER told me that” from my mother.

It’s unbelievable…

Our mother is also pissed we aren’t going to a baby shower of a cousin we never see nor hardly even know.  The only reason this cousin haphazardly invited us, through our mother, is so she can get more gifts.  It’s so blatantly obvious.  Our mother wants us to go and why does she? Well, I would assume it would be to “show us off” per say.  Especially me, who has lost all kinds of weight.  Now, apparently, I look good enough for her to brag about it.  With my mother, it’s all about how we look to others.  So sad really.

So, my sister calls me yesterday evening, after that harrowing conversation we all had saying “why do I need to go somewhere because SHE wants me to”? I simply tell her “Uh…sweetie…you don’t.  You are 30 years old.  You can do whatever the hell you want.  I’ve been telling you this for years now”.  She knows that she needs to let go of trying to please our mother, as I have done many years ago.  She also needs to come to terms that our mother will always hand out the guilt trips when she doesn’t get her way and my sister needs to learn to just push away.  Being close to our mother is something my sister has always reveled in, compared to me, who has always tried to steer clear from getting to attached to her.  But I’ve told her, there is a REASON I keep my distance.  She may just have to learn the hard way.

She’ll soon see the whole picture for what it really is and understand why I deal with our mother as little as possible.

And with all this stress, I didn’t realize that I was ripping my fingers to absolute shreds.  My cuticles, every single one of them, are not now doused in antibiotic ointment and have a bandaid wrapped around them.  It got so bad that I couldn’t feel the tips of my fingers anymore.  I really need to get a hold of this disease.

Hockey and Zombies

What a great combination huh?!?  How about zombies PLAYING hockey!  Don’t we all wish.  But no, this is just two subjects put into one post.


Ontario Reign Hockey has begun and they are off to a great start!  Saturday, we had ice seats to the Pre-Season game and it was fun, of course!  Also, during the Chuck a Puck, which is where you buy little foam pucks to throw into the bed of a Toyota Tundra, my puck got in the bed AND was picked to be entered to win the truck!  Of course, that won’t happen until the end of the season in April but still, it was nice to hear my number announced!

They won and it was a good game.


I got video of a pretty good fight. The Boy gets all pumped up with fights.

Sheesh, so much violence! LOL

Next game is this Saturday.  Also, the venue that houses these games is starting a Soccer league this year so hopefully I can make it to a few of those to!

Zombies (Warning: Spoilers ahead….enter at your own risk)

Season 4 of The Walking Dead has started.  Strange things are afoot in the prison and I have a feeling I will begin to start watching with a pillow around my face

Remember….me = scaredy cat

First, is there an AIRBORNE illness now?!  We see a dying, then soon dead, pig.  We get strange looks from Rick as he thinks.  Then we see a sick, with what seems like the flu, young man in the group.  He just looks like he’s got a flu.  Last scene, he dies after hacking into the water/shower supply.  He drops dead, alone, in the middle of the night, on the shower floors.

Two living things die simultaneously can mean many things.  One, they are getting their vegetables and food from the ground near where Walkers are all dying.  Maybe the Walker fluid is infecting the crops.  Two, there is something airborne going on.  No longer do you need to get bit or just die to turn.  However, this contradicts that everyone is infected and once dead, if not shot or stabbed in the brain, they turn.

Or it could be door number 3, which is what I think it is.  I think that the boy who died, simply, just died.  People do die for random things and this new world doesn’t look like the most sanitary place to be.  He may have just been a sickly boy to start off with, couldn’t handle the fever and died.  Another possibility could be that being that all are infected, it could break down the immune system?  This boy could have been the start of ongoing sickness? And possibly, sickness is a bit stronger in this world.

The main problem was that no one knew he was dead to be able to dispose of him properly.  It was in the middle of the night, and of course, he would change.  It was an unfortunate coincidence that he drops dead, in the middle of the night, with all asleep, in the back showers of their facility.  Meaning, he’s going to get up, and start biting whatever he can.  Of course, this theory could be tossed out by simply pointing out how fast he got sick then dropped dead.  That, may point it right back to something airborne.  However, if he did just get sick and randomly secretly died, they will have to start monitoring when people die.  Or else, they will end up with dead changing and going on a biting rampage before they can get to them.

We shall see!

_2013-10-10T11-30-40_1d649530c8cb443589a26fe2137568bd-c8ad30e62bb9cf223f0f6a706700342cThen there is Creepy Clara in the woods.  I thought for SURE that they were going to introduce some sort of hybrid talking Walker/Human.  This woman was disgustingly gross!  She was growing fungus on her face!

It turns out, she was just insane.  I have a feeling there will be more insane humans randomly walking around that are alive and not dead.  And it was weird for me because, she had the same name as me.

All in all, it’s gonna get ugly fast for those in the Prison.  The Apocalypse Utopia they created in the prison won’t be lasting for long.

It’s finally time!

In a few hours, I finally go to pick up my cat.  I’m nervous as to what the final amount will be that I have to pay them before they will release him to me.  I’m hoping it’s not to much and I told them that if they needed to do more than what was quoted to me, to let me know.  The only extra thing I told them to do was clip his nails.

I just want my cat back.  The visit yesterday was a bit harrowing.  He was not calm and very nervous.  They brought him in actually attached to the IV pole this time.  So, I was nervous having him walking around and wanting to jump off the table, afraid that the IV would rip out of his little leg.  His eyes were still wide and scared looking and this time, he didn’t calm down when I tried to hold him close and kiss his head.  He just wanted to run away.  Of course, he doesn’t understand that we are trying to make him feel better.  He probably thinks he’s being tortured and that kills me.

To add the icing on this miserable cake of mine, I think all this stress as of late is getting to me.  I am feeling sickness coming on.  I was fine as of a few hours ago, then suddenly, my nose itches, my head hurts and my throat feels scratchy.  It came on so quickly that I’m wondering if it’s just allergies, which could very well be the case.  Regardless, I’m going to be sitting on my couch tonight, hugging my cat, watching the Dodgers play against the Cardinals in Game 1.

Go Dodgers!

Weekly Weigh In – Hockey here I come!

That’s right!  It’s Hockey time!

Hockey games are now starting.  For those who didn’t follow my blog earlier this year, I go to A LOT of hockey games.  Not the L.A. Kings or Anaheim Ducks, as much as I would love to be able to go to those, but to an ECHL league housed just minutes from my apartment.  For more on that, read this.

I must say, I’m really excited to be back in those Suite or Ice seats, with all the usual fans around, and let them all see the new me.  I usually only take The Boy and we always have the same seats, either in a Suite box or front row, right next to the ice.  I can assure you, there are more men that sit near the ice than women.  I’m just sayin’….*wink*

We are going to a game tomorrow night, ice seats. Yay!

Two small observations…

1) I can actually CROSS my legs comfortably while sitting at my office desk, something I’ve NEVER been able to do.

2) I had to wear a belt with a pair of black dress pants.  Not only did I have to wear a belt, but I put on a belt that I couldn’t even get around my waist a few months ago, let alone actually buckle it to the second hole.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

2 more lbs down!

Total: 55 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Ok, back in business!  I didn’t exercise much this week due to the Kitty crisis.  However, I also had zero appetite because of my worry and stress over the Kitty crisis.  So, maybe it was a good thing I didn’t exercise because I may have emancipated myself!

However, I am almost out of another number range…..almost there!

He wears the Cone of Shame


So, my Baby Kitty is sporting the most infamous Cone of Shame.

The Boy and I rushed down to the hospital to visit with him after I picked him up from school.  When they brought him in the room he had an IV needle in his leg.  Apparently, he had been in the middle of one of his fluid treatments so he had to be unhooked from the bag to be brought to us.  We brought him his mousy toy but he wasn’t interested.  He hated that cone around his head.  I was holding him and talking to him and he kept looking up towards my voice but couldn’t see me because the cone wouldn’t let him move his head.  His eyes were very wide, like he was still unsure as to what the heck was going on.  I just bent down and kissed his head like I normally do when we cuddle on the couch.  He seemed like he wanted to run though.  So, I wasn’t sure if he recognized us at all but I did notice that only when I bent down to kiss his head and whisper at him, was when he would calm down.

The nurse did say that the vomiting has stopped and they are easing him back into it eating.  We will be going back again tonight to visit and should be able to bring him home tomorrow evening (after I pay another $300 *sigh*).

keep-calm-and-smile-don-t-cryI feel like I’ve been walking around the past few days with a HUGE lump in my throat.  Almost, like I could just start crying at any given moment.  Composing this post was hard enough to do without wanting to scream.  I want to cry all the time.  I’m pathetic.

Last night, I finally went to bed around 12:30 and just cried, yet again.  I really need to get a hold of myself.  But I tell myself, at least I’m falling apart in privacy and not at my desk at work, or in front of The Boy or something like that. I’m still functioning fine at work and interact with others without falling apart.  I’m staying strong when The Boy is watching me.  I”m actually proud of how The Boy has handled this.  He is keeping it together nicely and just doesn’t like to see me get emotional.But when I’m alone, after The Boy has long gone to sleep, I become a heap of a blubbering mess.

Sometimes, I really curse my over dramatic emotional character.

I cried…

I’ve had a little bit of time to let this all sink in.  I swing from telling myself this really just sucks to telling myself “Good Lord, woman! Pull yourself together! It’s just a cat!”

Last night, I didn’t finally go to bed until way past midnight, but that has been the normal occurrence with me lately, even before this whole fiasco.  When I finally did go to bed, I opened my bedroom window, as is the habit because that is where he likes to stand, perched on his cat tree and staring out into the night.

I laughed at myself and turned to go to bed.  As I laid down, I patted the mattress. *pat..pat* as is the custom when I’m telling him I’m in bed now and he can jump up with me, but only if he wants.  Most of the time he never does.

Then I cried….I cried and cried.  I cried because I knew I finally could.  The Boy was asleep and wouldn’t see me.  That kid was actually pretty strong when we said goodnight to him last night and left him at the hospital.

But I cried and I thought things like  “that dumb cat…” and “it’s JUST A CAT!”

Maybe he is just a cat, but he is still flesh and blood.  I saw his xrays.  I saw his organs and bones.  That was actually pretty neat.  He has a functioning brain.  However, being flesh and blood means, he gets diseases and apparently kidney disease is pretty common.

Tonight, at 5:00 pm, I will rush out of work to go pick up The Boy then rush to the Hospital and visit with him.  The Boy wanted us to bring his toy mouse, which is sitting in my car right now.  Then it will be goodbye’s again and I repeat that for the next three days.

Photo from vet-pet-health-advice.com

The bright side is that Kidney Disease is treatable and he wasn’t given a death sentence.  He will need to take medications or I will probably have to give him at home fluid therapy, something I will have to learn how to do.  I’m also going to need to put him on a special diet, all of which will be explained to me better when I pick him up but I have done some reading on this and I am kind of aware of what I will have to do to treat him.

The grand total for yesterday, after the physical exam, the blood work, urine tests and after the 60% down for his 3 night hospital stay was about $650 I needed to pay up front.  When I pick him up Friday, I’ll need to pay the other 40%.  Luckily, for me, my step-grandmother would have nothing of it when she heard me telling my mother that I couldn’t do that and was just going to take whatever medications I could afford and bring him back home.  She told my mother to charge it on her Care Credit card and I’ll be paying her back in payments.  She also has an 8 year old orange tabby and is a huge cat lover.  She almost flipped her lid when I said I couldn’t get him hospitalized to get the IV fluids in him to hydrate him again.  Believe me…you do NOT want to have a little old Cuban woman scolding you in Spanish.  It can be very intimidating.  I took her offer.

So, I feel a bit guilty that I possibly couldn’t have afforded to keep him in the hospital to get his IV and that I had to borrow a large chunk of money to get him hospitalized but I’ll be paying her back and they know I’m good for it.  Fitting payments into my budget is a lot better for me than just shelling out almost $1000 for this whole thing, at once.

I wished that I could have a back up credit card or something for things like this.  I can’t afford to keep a savings because I live paycheck to paycheck and no company will even give me a credit card because I have 2 BK’s on my record.  So, I am a bit worried about whether I will be able to keep up with the cost of his medications.

But I’m going to try not to think about that.  I just want these next three days to go by quickly, mostly for The Boy’s sake.

I swear, I am going to be in a horrific state when that cat does die.  My kid held it together better yesterday than I did when we were saying goodbye to him.  I’m such an emotional freak of nature sometimes.

My cat has Kidney Disease

Last night, I had to leave my cat to spend three nights in the hospital.


After the exam, xrays and blood work the doctor said that he was dehydrated because of the vomiting. He also has a slight bacterial infection in his mouth.  But more importantly, he also has chronic kidney disease.

He will get IV fluids in him and get antibiotics for the bacteria infection.  The Boy and I will visit him every day after I pick him up from school.  We’ll bring him home Friday with medications and food.

It was hard leaving the hospital without bringing him home, but I had to keep my composure for The Boy’s sake.  It was even harder sitting on my couch and not seeing him walking around anywhere.

I kept my composure until after I put The Boy to bed and got in the shower to wash this cruddy day off.  Then I cried.  I’m going to be a basket case when it’s that cat’s time to really go. And don’t even ask how much it was to have him in the hospital three nights with IV’s in him. Honestly, I didn’t really care about the cost.

So, he will be on medications and on a special diet for the rest of his life.  I also think I may invest in pet insurance, especially if I’m going to be paying for medications on a regular basis.

I’m better now but I know these will be the longest three days of my life.

Vet visit happens today…


Since I last posted, I called the first Vet that I had the Saturday appointment for to ask if I could just bring him in today.  The doctor that is usually there in the afternoon, isn’t there and she wanted me to come in tomorrow or keep my Saturday. This was AFTER I told her he was vomiting.

I went to an online search for another vet hospital…screw that!

I found another Animal Hospital that will take him this afternoon BECAUSE he’s vomiting.  I’m leaving work in an hour to take him there.

My co-worker, who used to work at a Vet Hospital, said that vomiting, especially in an animal that NEVER vomits, is never good and I should take him into the Vet E.R.

I’m a fucking wreck…

For the first time in almost 4 years, I’m worried about my furbaby

There is something wrong with him.  It’s been a gradual “something” over the past few months.

First, he was super finicky about his foods and I was bouncing back and forth trying to find what he liked.

Then, he straight out refused dry food of any kind, so I stuck to only wet food.

Then, he began losing weight, or so it seemed, I wasn’t sure.  His back end is super thin around his tailbone and hind legs and his stomach sinks in when he walks (it’s hard to describe).  He still eats but not a whole lot and he eats in sessions, meaning he eats small amounts over time.  That is hard for me because I’m at work during the day so I can’t keep refilling his food on an hourly basis and if the food stays on his plate to long, he refuses it.  This is a new problem.

I’ve also noticed, as of late, when he eats, he has a gag type reflex.  He’ll eat, then kind of open his mouth and heave like something is stuck somewhere and he’s trying to get it out.  Usually, he’s fine after a few seconds.

He also drools, a lot.  I thought that was normal but I was told by my cousins’ husband, who owns three Vet clinics in Orange County, that drooling is not normal and it could mean he’s nauseated.

Then, this morning, he threw up for the first time, ever.  I know he did hack a hairball about a year ago but that was all he’s ever done in the 3/12 years I’ve had him.  I fed him when I got up, like I normally do and he ate.  Then about 3 minutes later, he threw everything he had just ate back up.  I was just about to leave for work when he did this so I left a bit more on his plate just in case he wanted to eat more.

Now, I’m sitting here at work, just sickened with worry and wondering what I need to do.  I have a vet appointment for him on Saturday but now, I’m debating whether I should call the vet and ask if they can see him tonight.

Worse than this, I feel like I did something wrong.  I was bending over backwards to get him food he would eat and now I feel dumb thinking I read somewhere that drooling in cats is normal.  Maybe I read that about dogs?  But I feel riddled with guilt that I didn’t take care of him properly.  Or that I didn’t take him to the vet sooner.

I’m going to make some phone calls in a bit here, I might have to get my parents to take The Boy to hockey practice tonight.

Weekly Weigh In – Size 10’s, no comments and a clean bill of health!

Size 10’s

Well, I broke down and just went and bought size 10 dress pants.  Remember, this post where I was saying the size 12’s were way to droopy on me.  I got the size 10’s.  Now, granted, they are a bit tight in the waist area but I’m sure that won’t last for long.  The size 12’s were the same way and before a month was through, they just didn’t work anymore.

But they are SIZE 10’s!!!  I haven’t been a size 10 since 15 years ago and even then, I don’t think I was a size 10.  Maybe an 11-12. 🙂

People noticing….

I don’t know if it’s some sort of socially unacceptable practice to never notice or comment when someone has lost a very noticeable amount of weight.  I would think saying “wow…you’ve gotten fat” is A LOT worse than saying “wow..you’ve gotten skinny”.  But what do I know?  I’m socially dumb sometimes.

However, I would love it if people actually noticed by commenting.  I mean for all that is GOOD AND HOLY I’VE LOST FRIGGIN 53 POUNDS!  It has GOT to be showing in other peoples’ eyes!  I know I most certainly would not be offended in the least if comments were made.  Of course, the commenter may not know that I wouldn’t be offended, so I understand.

On the flip side, it’s interesting the messages that peoples’ eyes can give out when they notice something very different.  In some cases, such as my co-workers who have see me fat for almost a year, I can see in their eyes that they notice.  I guess that works for me.  And I know that when you see someone every day, as co-workers have, the change is slight compared to not seeing me for months on end and then see the drastic change from 5 months ago to today.

It would be nice if someone said something though.  But I guess I have to rely on the little kids for those kinds of observations.

Clean Bill of Health!

A month ago, I went to the doctor for a normal check up visit.  I actually hadn’t been to the doctor in years.  I was really expecting the worse regarding my ovaries.  Yesterday, I had my follow up appointment for the results of all the blood work, Mammo  and ovary ultrasound.

Apparently, I have a clean bill of health.  The doctor went over all my blood work numbers with me.  Cholesterol and sugar levels are perfect.  The Mammo was normal and my ovaries actual are normal size, not enlarged.  So it baffled me why I was in so much pain last week but I think some months the ovaries work more than other months.

I thought back and realized, never, in all my doctor visits, have I EVER had pretty much nothing wrong with me.  Either my ovaries were enlarged, or my blood work came back with possible Lupus or high cholesterol.

Considering that history, I can ONLY assume that the weight loss is the prime result of good numbers.  I mean, this is the most weight I’ve lost ever and for the longest amount of time.  What other assumption can I make?  The doctor was even a bit taken aback because I was in perfect health.

It’s bizarre really, because I’ve always been a sickly person, always in and out of the hospital for something.  Who’d a thought, fat was the culprit.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

0 more lbs down

Total: 53 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

For the first time, in exactly 5 months, today, I have lost nothing on my Weekly Weigh In.  In fact, I think the nurse recorded that I gained a pound simply because the scale kept jumping up one pound, down one pound and I think she just glanced at the scale when it was up one pound.  In reality, I gained like 3 ounces which probably wouldn’t have shown up had I peed before I weighed in.

I will admit, I am feeling disappointment at no loss, but after reading what I posted above, it’s all good.  I would still like to know what happened this week.  I don’t recall doing anything differently and have worked out 4 times this past week (Sunday-Thursday, except Tuesday).

But hey! A clean bill of health makes up for the disappointment.

I know this is getting long but I also have an interesting photo of me….

My mother found this photo in her iPad about a week ago.  When she showed it to me, the first thing I yelled out (yes I YELLED it out) was “NEVER AGAIN!”  And being that we were in a Japanese Restaurant at the time, I got looks.

This photo was taken in April of this year, 2013.  It was in front of my church and it was with my kid, sister, father and aunt (who I’ve cut out but were all to the right of me in the photo).


245 lbs

Each time I look at it I want to yell out over and over “NEVER AGAIN!!!”  and believe me folks…I look NOTHING and I mean NOTHING like that photo.

My face, there are no more multiple chins and I wear makeup now.

My stomach doesn’t look like I’m 8 months pregnant.

Those jeans…I think those jeans were given to Goodwill about 2 months ago.  Those were the jeans that fell off me once and got me to start stocking up on the smaller sizes just for motivation.  Sizes that I have since worn and some sizes I have since also given to Goodwill or traded in for smaller (see Size 10 comments above).  The top I’m wearing in that photo is long gone to.  It was purchased at a store called Torrid, for plus sizes.  The thing started hanging on me so much that I could practically wear it as a dress.  I gave that to the Goodwill as well, along with all the other 2X tops I had.

Screw the woman in that picture.  That woman looks tired, haggard and way older than she really is.  That woman was sad and depressed and on her way to diabetes and heart failure.

Lord Almighty I don’t even know WHO that woman is!  But I can assure you that I never want to see her again!

Go Dodgers!


Congratulations of each other after a good play from last nights Game 1. (Photo from Yahoo News)

That’s right folks. I am a Dodgers fan.  I’m actually third generation of Dodger fans.  My grandfather would have the game on religiously.  Just about every game from what I remember when I was younger.

Last night, The Boy and I got home, dropped all our stuff and turned on the game.  I quickly made dinner (BTW the Orange Chicken from Trader Joe’s is the BEST!) and then I went down to the workout room for a spin on the treadmill while watching the game.  I even as a maintenance guy to please please PLEASE turn the T.V. to the game…PLEASE!

This was my view during my workout last night…best ever!

This was my view during my workout last night…best ever!

It was the fastest workout ever, not because I cut it short but because, it just went by fast because I was concentrating on the game.  I also almost knocked myself off the treadmill after the first home run was hit by Adrian Gonzalez and I cheered.

I watched the rest of the game on my couch after my workout.  I let The Boy stay up until 9 to finish the game out.  There were some *icky* moments like where the pitcher kinda started to lose it but he was just kidding because all the sudden his pitching was spot on.  All in all, Clayton Kershaw pitched a pretty good 7 innings straight.

Dodgers win Game One, 6-1

Tonight is Game Two and I’m leaving The Boy with my parents and taking my sister out to watch it.  Unfortunately, being that the game is in Atlanta, it starts at 3pm my time (Pacific) so I will still be at work and will miss a big chunk of the game but that doesn’t mean I won’t be listening to it on my cell phone at work.  Then when 5:00 rolls around…I’m outta here! Hopefully, we can catch the last few innings with other Dodger fans at a local bar.  I haven’t done the local bar scene for a sports game since the Lakers had their winning streak in 2000.

So, I kinda wondering…how am I still single?  I mean…I love me some sports…I’ll cheer with the rest of them and actually PREFER a good sports bar, a beer and a good ball game over shopping ANY day.  Add that to the smokin’ hot body that I’m getting….and I wonder that there must be something else wrong with me?


You no use my picture!

So I got this email just a few minutes ago:

I have found my [name of photo] image on your blog and taken with out my permission. I charge a licensing fee to use my images on websites and this is lost revenue!! Since you took this with out asking you owe me $140.00 You can pay me via paypal to email@email.net or remove the image post haste!!

I removed the image…

First of all, if I find a photo through a GOOGLE search, I try to give it credit such as “Photo found on thiswesbite.com” or “photo taken by Joe Cool and posted on randomwebsite.com”.

This persons’ image, which was a photograph, not a drawing or painting, was on a website where he was selling the image.  However, anyone could just right click and save the image to their computer.  It was also initially found through a Google search.  So, apparently he scours the interwebz on the lookout for his image being used?  Yeah, good luck with that.

Or, maybe I’m missing some sort of “Emily Post” of rules about images on random blogs as I thought crediting a image where I KNOW where it comes from was enough?  Can someone fill me in so I don’t do this again?  Because $140 is freakin’ insane just for a small 200×200 pixel image on a blog.  I’m not to good of friends with the concept of EXTORTION.

“Man, she got SKINNY!”

It’s been a long time but here is yet another Tarantino’d posts……..

“Man, she got skinny!!!”

Why did The Boy tell me the above….

Let’s go back…..Let’s go back….

I had completely forgotten to blog this experience.  It was one of the highlights of my weight loss journey and it comes from a small child.  The children are so innocent….yet VERY honest and that is what makes them brilliant!

A few Friday’s ago, I had picked up The Boy early from after school care.  I pulled into the parking lot and being that it was early, no cars were there.  They were on the field and he saw me pull up.  I got out, waved at him and got right back in the car to await his arrival.

Upon entering the car he told me his classmate asked him if that was his mother, waving at him from the parking lot.  He said yes and then his classmate said to him “Man, she got SKINNY!”

Kids are truly straight forward, blunt and honest humans.


I have to be honest with myself

I have had the weekend to think over this situation and to make my final analysis of it.  I’ve given the scenario to persons that are both personally biased (my mother and sister) and personally un-biased (my co-worker and my sister’s friend) and all of them have come to the same conclusion.


While I sat in Church on Sunday I realized, once again, that everything being said, all the points being made, were relating to me or so I wanted them to be.  It was based on Titus and what Christians should do while waiting for Jesus to return.  The main points were that we should continue to bring as many as we can to Christ THROUGH our works and the way we live our lives.  And by that, I do not mean Bible Beating…if anyone has read my blog enough they will know that, yes, I am a Christian and believe in God, yes I am also human and will get mad at God sometimes only to realize that it was I who needed to change my perspective, but most certainly, NO I will not bible beat you with my beliefs to get you to understand.

This made me think. “The way we live our lives”.  I know after my long history with religion (Not GOD, but RELIGION. Remember God and religion are NOT one and the same), I’ve come to be VERY intolerant of those who say “I go to church and I am a Christian” yet live such questionable lives.

It’s a very slippery slope for my own walk.  I most certainly do not want to come off judgmental because Lord knows I’m no Angel myself.  I also don’t want to come off that I think I’m a better “Christian” than any other Christian.  Yet, the Bible tells us to act as disciples of Christ IN OUR DAILY LIFE (2 Peter 1:5) and I know I try to do that by resisting temptation and such but when someone says “I go to church” and then thinks it’s ok to be in a committed relationship yet have women on the side, whether to “play” with or just be friends with, I want to rescue them.

However, I have chosen to run from it.  Our light shines through OUR ACTIONS.  I hope that my action of stating to him I do not condone that behavior nor do I want to have my impressionable son think that it is ok to behave that way or that I condone that behavior by remaining his friend.  I would like to show this man the error of his ways in proclaiming he is a Christian yet not living as we are told in the Bible to live, as Christians. (Again, not wanting to be judgmental as I struggle daily with being human and making mistakes).

My decision was not to confront him but to let that action speak for itself and it’s in God’s hands now.

I had hoped that my action of being the first female to not accept being a “friend” to someone who is in a committed relationship, shines as a light and not as a Bitch.  He did ignore me completely this morning and that is actually totally fine as I was going to cut off interactions with him.  However, I had hoped that maybe he would have said “Wow, no woman I’ve run into has ever made the move she did…I wonder what she is about and what makes her think like that”.  I say that not because I want to BE in a relationship with him because regardless, I never could.  I would just want him to see maybe why he may be having so much trouble in his current life with his kids’ mother, and with the school calling CPS on him and the problems that his daughter has.  The correlation between his current life struggles and his current life choices are astounding when you step back and look at it.

Doesn’t respect his committed relationship—> Gets CPS called on him by teachers from the school

Just “warming” a seat in a church —> Problems with kids and ex-wife (both mentally and emotionally)

Now, this thinking does not EVER imply that I don’t have my share of problems due to whatever reason, but I have found that when I keep myself on the right path and resist temptation, suddenly, money is in my bank account or my kid gets a good grade on a test in school.

However, when I start to give in to temptation and stray, suddenly my account goes into the minus and my kid falters in his schoolwork. These are just examples.

Another amazing personal example is my weight loss.  I have been on the yo-yo since I can remember but this is the FIRST time I’ve actually been able to lose weight, on my own (no Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers) and have not gained it ALL back yet.  Usually by this time in the weight loss game (I’m at 5 months on October 4th), I would have given up and gained it all back plus more.  Not only is that NOT happening but the weight keeps coming off.  Why is that? Because I decided that it wasn’t for looks or to catch the eye of someone (although that does come with the territory).  It was mainly because my body is a Temple and in ALL the walks in our life we should respect God.  That includes food and drink and what we put into our bodies.  I’m sure gluttony was not a favorite thing for God to see me doing.

I also quit smoking to, even if I did only smoke occassionally.

So what is it that I have to be honest with myself about, as the title suggests?  After all, I am a Sagittarius and as such, I must remain honest.  Ha!


Well, that is simply this:

I really don’t think a relationship is just in the cards for me at this time or even in the near future.  I just can’t stomach putting The Boy through a possible unsuccessful relationship after he may have developed his own relationship with the man.

I also can’t stomach the possible dangers I put The Boy in by not knowing a person and not knowing what he’s like.  I had been interacting with this last person on and off, daily through random “hello’s” and “how are you’s” at the kids’ school and such since the summer time.  Yet, he was as deceitful as ever.

A Facebook friend (also a male), when I posted this story on my FB, asked me not to judge all men based on a couple of assholes and I responded that I won’t.

However, I am just kidding myself with that response.  As much as I really REALLY don’t want to, by default, I will.  Maybe I won’t JUDGE, in the sense of the word, but I will damn sure be very caution of any male that comes along and that may result in me pushing them all away for any little reason.  I’m just being honest with myself.

thCANKBF1KOf course, I am a bit shaded after all this.  After 10 YEARS of no dating or being in a relationship, since my divorce,  I step out of my box and this happens.  I let one wall down and after all this, 5 more walls came right up in its place and that is probably how it’s going to be for the next 10 years.  I can’t put not only my heart at risk, but my kids’ to.

So, my conclusion is that I will not be pursuing men anymore.  My lack of trust in them is way to deep right now.  Yet, my lack of trust for humans in general is the main culprit.  I’m just going to concentrate on getting my kid to adulthood and continuing to get myself into better health.

That is it and that is all.

Weekly Weigh In – A MARATHON?!?!

It’s time to break away from that which is dealing with Bags of Douches.  Onto bigger and better things!

I have decided, to train for a 5K marathon.  My sister and I will be signing up for one happening in November.  WTF?!?!?  I am a person who HATED running/jogging in any type of fashion and now, I’m gonna do a marathon!  It’s like worlds have opened up  that I never knew could exist for me.

My only regret is that I spent my whole life under a cloud of “I can’t” and had to hit a mid life epiphany to get out of it.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

4 more lbs down!

Total: 53 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts


My sister…I love her to death but she is so stubborn.  I now way a lot less than she does for the first time in our lives.  She is stuck on this “fad” 3 day diet things where she eats pretty much a cube of cheese and crackers all day to supposedly lose like 10 pounds in 3 days.  It’s ridiculous because she just gains it right back after the 3 days and that can’t be healthy doing crash diets like that.  Then she tells me “Hey, Jenny Craig is having a deal where you can come back and get discounted food.”

Really? Why on EARTH would I go back to Jenny Craig when I’ve lost the most weight I’ve ever lost in my life ON MY OWN and without paying stupid Jenny Craig for the their stupid over priced pre-packaged meals!

I keep telling her “cut out the carbs and fast food…you are really denied nothing and can learn to make better choices.”  Nope, she thinks she knows best and wonders why she isn’t down much.  I just slam my head against the brick wall and hope she will get her epiphany soon….that is if she really wants it.

“Oh, I thought I mentioned her…”


Yes, yes it is….

The guy has a girlfriend.

He said it yesterday afternoon while we were in the parking lot to pick up the kids.  I had just invited him and his kids to dinner at Hometown Buffet stating I planned to be there just after picking up The Boy.

In regards to my invitation, which, by the way, was strictly to HIM and his 2 kids, as my text to him said “Would YOU and the kids like to join The Boy and I for dinner at Hometown Buffet?”………He responds with “S. isn’t around until 6:45“.

Who the fuck is S.??” is instantly what I THINK.  However, being that I can’t react that way and must stay cool, calm and collected, I ask, “Who is S.?

He says, “S. is my girlfriend. I thought I mentioned I had a girlfriend“.

Uh, NO motherfucker! You never mentioned a girlfriend!  What you DID mention was that you had an EX-girlfriend.  WTF!!!!!”, is what I THOUGHT, however, keeping in that cool, calm and collected mode, what I say is “Oh, okay“.  Apparently, S. is not the ex-girlfriend I remember him mentioning.

Little does he know, his number lasted no longer than 2 days in my phone and all interaction, even the parking lot meetings at the kid’s after care, will soon cease and desist.

MjAxMy1lNDNjZmUyYmEzNjFhZGZl_52322339627d7_rcI’m actually surprised at my initial reaction to this, even after having some time to let it sink in.  My heart didn’t sink to my stomach as it normally would have in the past.  I waited for that sinking feeling, it never came.  I actually laughed inside.  I laughed inside because he thought he could actually play this game with me.  He thought he could request my number, answer my “get to know you” questions and even ask some of his own and then just randomly say, “oh yeah, I have a girlfriend but HEY we can totally keep flirting with each other and get together with the kids and please keep inviting me places….I LOVE having my cake and eating it to!”

And please don’t anyone try and tell me he didn’t know what he was doing or he didn’t know I was interested….he knew, believe me, he knew.  I don’t really care whether he was being innocent, naive or just plain stupid.  He knew EXACTLY the game he was playing.  And the only reason the girlfriend probably even came up again was because she was probably due to be there pretty soon.  Can’t cover up someone who is standing right there!

He claims that this girlfriend information has come out in one of our conversations.  I would have remembered that because I would not have pursued him any further nor offered him the Motocross tickets.  Backed into a corner much there, Buddy?

So, I laid it out for him because I’m not one to tip toe around the fucking elephant in the room.

I said “Look, I don’t want to step on toes. If you have a girlfriend, I don’t want to make you, nor her, uncomfortable by inviting you places.”  This statement was actually totally true.  I, personally, don’t think that a man who is in a committed relationship should, in ANY way, be accepting event tickets from other women AND going with those woman to the event, without his girlfriend.  Call me old fashioned but I have no respect for that.

He replies, “She understands that I mostly have women friends. I have to flirt a lot in Renaissance Faire booth to sell my stuff.”  Yeah, if your girlfriend accepts this behavior of yours, as you claim, I wonder about her own respect for herself.


Yeah buddy, you aren’t helping your cause much here. You may need a bigger shovel to continue digging your own grave there.

At that point, I just wanted to run in disgust.  He was one of THOSE men.  Blegh….

I excused myself with some excuse about needing to go eat and being hungry and said my goodbyes.  I turned to get in my car and a face looked at me that made this all sink in suddenly.

I saw my boy, sitting in the car, waiting.  He had been behind me and encouraging me about all this for the last few weeks.  He liked this guy but I think it’s only because he was just that, another guy.  He was disappointed and that is when I started to hurt, but hurt for my boy.

However, The Boy and I moved on.  We had a great dinner together and even had a few laughs over this whole debacle and I still waited for the sad, depression, feelings followed by hours of blubbering, about all this, to hit.  They never did.

Instead, after dinner, I went down to the gym and I pummeled the treadmill.  I ran like it meant each step would stomp his head in.  I talked with God, thanking Him for keeping me on my toes.  Ha ha, great test run, God.  Let’s move on now?

I didn’t cry, I didn’t even want to.  I just wanted to run and listen to my music….and run.  The only thing crying for me was my fat, because……..


After my workout, I said to The Boy that it was time to get our Halloween lights up.  That is exactly what we did and they turned out pretty good!  This is the first year we are in an upstairs unit so the railing on the balcony is going to be put to good use.


Halloween is here! (actual photo of my balcony)

And there you have it.  It was the saga of the man who thinks he can have his cake and flirt with it to.

Unbelievable, which is something I kept saying all throughout my Hometown Buffet dinner.  So much so, that The Boy and I started to make a joke out of it.  But as it states above, I’m not just a little piece of cake…I’m the whole damned buffet AND dessert line, Bitch!  And there is NO way I’m giving HIM a referral to my apartment complex….he had the actual nerve to ask for one.  Good Lord……

So yeah, thanks God, for showing me what I’m missing.  Now, moving on!

Life is like being on a sailboat in a rough sea storm…

Good LORD this week should be labeled Bipolar Week.  My emotions are just ALL over the place.

Tuesday, was the parent/teacher conference where I was told my kid was basically failing everything and couldn’t focus.  I left the conference in tears.  I walked to the car and bawled.  I then had to compose myself and go to work.

red-eyes-blink-monsterI found out yesterday, from my older sister who has 2 kids, another parent from The Boy’s class and my co-worker that all their kids, did or are going through the same thing.  I guess kids just have no self control and no focus (naw…ya think?).  I shouldn’t be surprised really but still, that little red-eyed Monster creeps up behind me whispering the devilish words like “you are failing your child” and “you are a big failure at EVERYTHING you do…”.  I hate that Monster.

Tuesday night brought about a yelling match with my oh so stubborn 9 year old.  Ok, now, I KNOW he gets the stubbornness and the need to argue with everything from me but I really don’t believe, at his age, I was as outright mouthy as he is.  It’s not disrespect, as far as the content of what comes out of his mouth.  He just HAS to have the last word.  He just HAS to argue everything.

Sometimes I want to run out of the apartment, screaming…..


But I can’t and I have to sit there, stare at him and resist the urge to beat him senseless.  Of course, I would never beat him….ever.  But Lord Almighty God in Heaven…that boy really wants to see if I would be tempted to.

Yesterday was a bit better.  We went to the family night book fair and he enjoys buying new books and I love seeing him read them.  He got an Adventure Time comic book and something about a dinosaur.  I was looking at all the girly stuff, sometimes wishing I had a girl to be all girly with…but then get snapped back into reality when I realize I probably couldn’t handle the dramatics of a girl, but still miss having a girl around.


The Boy can give me some super Academy Award winning dramatics so I can only IMAGINE what a girl child of mine would give me!  Makes me shudder.  I know I suppress my Drama Queen genetics just as much as I suppress and fight my obesity genetics.  I most certainly got my fair share from the shallow end of the gene pool.  So The Boy…he is all me.  Honestly, I would rather The Boy have MY drama genetics than his father’s asshole genetics.

Anyway, his bearded dragon has been put on hold, indefinitely.  He moaned and groaned about that and I was torn to shreds seeing him hurt and crying (I really need to literally grow a pair of man balls to deal with this kid sometimes) but it had to be put on hold.  I could not fathom rewarding failing grades and disruptive behavior in class with a new pet.  I try not to be a pushover, and for the most part, I’m not, but to see him crying breaks my heart and then I find myself all up in tears and needing to just lie on my bed, in fetal position, crying buckets.

Oh and I yelled a lot.  He knows that when I reach the point of yelling…my patience is at it’s end and he should go run for the hills.  Although I don’t know why.  I still will never lay a hand on him.

Praying woman hands

So Dear Lord, I’m so done being a single mother now.  Can I please hand the reigns over to a man to help me with this boy of mine.  You didn’t give me a penis nor testosterone so can you send some of that over my way (in the form of a human, of course).

K Thanks bye!

Today, she would have been 37

I had a friend who was sweeter than cherry pie.  She never had a negative word to say about anyone.

She was more my sister than my friend.  She would never show her emotions beyond a silly grin, whether she was sad or upset.  She only once gave me a good scolding and that was because I deserved it.

She never wanted to let off that she was sick, to weak or in pain.  She was stubborn like that and I adored her for it.  She never asked for help.  She never seemed to need it as strong as she was.  She never worried about anything and I mean anything.  She had building debt but still traveled and enjoyed life.  She also never cleaned her room but I loved her for it.

She was living on borrowed time the moment we all found out she had cancer at age 19.  She fought that bitch until age 29, when finally, it won.  She spent her last days with loved ones, travelling with her family, celebrating her birthday with her friends.  All the while, I knew she would be gone soon.

I was there when she died, I saw her soul go up to God.

There isn’t a day I don’t think about her in just about everything I do.  I lost my best friend, my only friend and because of it, I’ve been friendless since.

I miss you and Happy birthday.

I guess that’s what happens when I try to find my happiness…

I get shut down again.

What was I thinking I could actually do something for myself and be selfish enough to concentrate a little more on my health and body, enough to have lost 50 lbs.  How selfish of me!

How selfish of me to think I could actually TRY and find love or even a friend or two, being that I have no friends!

I’m just a selfish stupid idiot because I knew that something would pull me back in telling me “hey, you have NO right to be happy.  You must sacrifice every ounce of your happiness or finding it because…you have a kid to raise.

Today, I’m mad

Today, I do not want to be a mother.

After a teacher conference early this morning, I come to find out, The Boy is not doing as good as I thought.  I guess I’m just not as intuitive as I would hope to be.  He’s pretty much failing every class.  The teacher says that she thinks he can do the work and he isn’t being  purposefully or disrespectful.  He just loses concentration.

He is the human form of Doug and the dogs in Up.


Could it be ADHD? Maybe.

Will I give him the drugs? NEVER!!

It is also a combination of he is just a silly clown and likes the attention.

However, I’ve tried everything I could.  I take away things but he is who he is.

The worst is that I have NO ONE to confide in about this. Not one person.  I tell my mother very little because, well that would come back and bite me in the ass later.  I tell my sister very little well because, she is tied up in her own life.

I’m not doing good at this very moment.

But here I am at work having to put a fake stupid smile on my face while the black loneliness is creeping in again and I have no one to talk to.  I just want to end this failure and hopelessness I feel. End it for good.

On top of that…this ovarian pain is wanting to make me scream for real.  I can’t even stand up straight.  It hurts all on my left side.  But do I get to go to the doctor to check it out? Nope…I have a FUCKING KID TO RAISE!  No one else will do it or help me.  I swear to God that someday, I’m just going to drop dead because I have other obligations to tend to other than helping myself.

I’m the person in a room full of people….screaming…and no one cares to hear me or help.

Oh and the guy?  He’s avoiding me…..or so it seems.

So fuck you life!

God gave me an answer…

I know that recently, I shook my fists, per say, in the face of God.  I hoped He understood that I was frustrated and confused.  I didn’t understand how my loyalty to myself and to Him through myself was not being rewarded.

He answered….with Love, as is His way.  I returned that answer with a visit to Church on Sunday to give Him thanks for His forgiveness and for not leaving my side.

I will not go into to much detail as to my Saturday evening with him but I will say, it was positive.  There was good conversation and the event we were at was family friendly, (my kid was there as was his father who he brought with one of the two tickets I gave him) and the environment allowed for casual interaction.  No pressure at all.  The suite we were in has 12 seats plus 4 bar seats, one of the bar seats I was in.  Out of 15 seats to choose from he chose to sit RIGHT next to me at a bar seat.  That was a plus for me!  Also, he got me a margarita and said he found the VIP lounge, something that our suite tickets have access to.  So he said next time we go to an event we should try and be kid free and hit the VIP lounge.  Uh…yes please!!

Overall, the evening, I believe, leaned very much towards the positive side of the spectrum.  He was very receptive to my questions regarding his past and he had enough interest in my side of the conversation.  We had a few laughs and cracked some jokes with each other.

I spent hours on beautifying myself before going.  I straightened my hair so it was like long black silk.  I put my glasses away and did the contacts (dealing with the itchy eyes) and put on makeup.  I looked like a really beauty as I did not have multiple chins and my skin was like white porcelain since my face has been smoothing and clearing up since eliminating greasy foods from my diet.  For the first time in my life, I looked in the mirror after I was all done with face, hair and putting the outfit together and I said to myself “wow….just wow…”.

It was an amazing feeling.  However, to top off that amazing feeling was the feeling I felt after I saw his eyes, staring at me when he saw me.  Usually, he sees me at the parking lot of the kids’ school, with glasses and frazzled from a crazy day at work.  He stared for quite some time.  Maybe I was reading into it to much.  Honestly, I don’t care because regardless, it felt phenomenal.

For me, it’s all about the children.  Whether this grows into something or not, those kids are super adorable and they deserve to have positive interactions as much as possible in their lives.  Since having my own child and interacting with other children, I’ve learned to embrace their innocence and sometimes just laugh at their reactions to certain situations, no matter how ridiculous or frustrating those reactions can be.

I would be tickled pink to get to know his children more, especially the girl.  Being a single mother to a boy has allowed for a lot of my “girly” nature (something of which I barely had to begin with) to pretty much disappear.  Their mother, his ex-wife, according to him, is an addict and all around not good person.  From what information he volunteered to tell me, she is on the way out of the kids’ lives soon enough.  She is the lowest of the low to abandon her children and has a warm seat in hell, next to my ex-husband who abandoned his son.  So when she is with the kids she is not a mother to her daughter as a mother should be.  They don’t do their hair or dress up pretty.  According to him, their mother is actually a gross person who doesn’t shower…..no joke, that is what he said!  I just didn’t understand how any woman in their right mind could let themselves go far enough to not showering when they had a husband like him.  Granted, I don’t know anything about him personally but on the surface, he is a good looking gentlemanly guy.

So sad for the children.

I was a bit discouraged that phone numbers weren’t exchanged at the end of the evening, especially after discussing getting his kids and my Boy together for outings, but all in all, still very positive vibes were felt.  I have a problem with impatience.  When I want something I want it NOW.  I must tell myself to be patient or I may chase him away.


Anyway, it was very positive.  I am taking The Boy to see Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2 this weekend or possibly go bowling and I’m considering inviting him and his kids to come with us.  So, hopefully, phone numbers get exchanged soon (I still see him regularly at the kids’ school when we pick them up) so we can get the kids together.

However, my sister advises that, since I offered the event tickets to him for Saturday, that was my turn and now, the ball is in HIS court and I should wait for HIM to ask for my number.

What do you all think?!?!?

My insides feel like they are on fire…

No, not with the fiery feelings of love (although more on that to come later).

No, not with the fire furnace of a heavily boosted metabolism due to constant exercise (booyah! I not longer have the metabolism of a snail!).

I have the infliction of enlarged ovaries.  I was officially diagnosed with enlarged ovaries back in 2009 at the local hospital’s Emergency Room.  I went in because it felt like someone was shoving a hot poker into my lower mid section and it travelled around to my back.  They gave me a scan and found that it was enlarged ovaries causing the problem.

Since then, some months are better than others when it comes time for the ovaries to do their job.  Some months, it hurts so bad I can’t stand up straight.  Some months, I feel nothing and it goes by without a hitch.

Last night, the pain actually woke me up at 2 in the morning and I knew this was not going to be a “go without a hitch” month.  I was in and out of sleep and this morning, I’m in agony.  It is subsiding a little bit but it’s just this dull ache in my whole belly area.  So far, the research I’ve done on enlarged ovaries has pretty harmless outcomes, just painful.  It very rarely ends in ovarian cancer BUT….you never know.

I recently had an ultrasound done to follow up and check on these enlarged ovaries to make sure if there is something growing in them, which causes them to be enlarged, that it is benign tumor and nothing serious.  Or it could be just tissue growth which is harmless as well.  In my research, the only sentence I read that was a bit unnerving was “However, in some cases, the enlarged ovary may twist or become dysfunctional. “  I would assume “dysfunctional” means I can kiss any aspects of having any more children good bye for good.  That made me just a bit sad.

I have a follow up appointment next week to get the results of the ultrasound and the Mammogram.

Hey! No Fair!!

The Daily Prompt today hit WAY to close to home.  So much so, that I felt obligated to write about it.


Daily Prompt: No Fair

Tell us about something you think is terribly unfair — and explain how you would rectify it.

I guess I find it hard to actually utter the words “That is NO FAIR!” without sounding like a spoiled little 5 year old.  However, all the time there are situations that are just simply, not fair.

514_230x230_NoPeelI recently gave the proverbial finger to God regarding this unfairness and then became afraid I might be smite down with His vengeance.  I wasn’t.  Instead, I was presented with a possible positive answer from Him regarding my loneliness but upon further inspection, it’s just another dead end and once again, I’ve had the carrot dangled in front of me and I followed like a dumb donkey.

Just last night, after this realization that I’m a fool for trying, I actually spent the evening, during my workout, during my shower, grooming after my shower and while watching T.V., either uttering or thinking the words “It just isn’t fair” while I intermittedly cried.

I work DAMN hard to be able to house and take care of myself and my son, on my own, with little help from family and NO help from his father, my ex-husband, except some money monthly.  As of lately, I’ve been working DAMNED hard to get 50 lbs off my body and still losing!  I look much more appealing to the eyes now.  As superficial as that is, it is the truth.  I think, it’s not fair that I run my ASS off on a daily basis on a stupid treadmill, don’t eat any of the sweets I enjoyed before to be able to lose the most weight I’ve ever lost, only to be over looked, yet again, by ANY man’s eye, just as if I was fat all over again!  I had a prospect (the “carrot” I speak of above) but it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.  I thought it was, but I was fooling myself.  I was, once again, over looked.

According to all that is fair, I have nothing to offer anyone.  If that is true, then that is beyond sad.

When does it become MY turn to be happy?

When does it become MY turn to have love?

When does it become MY turn to enjoy myself?

The-Nothing-2In the end, it isn’t fair that my ex-husband, who left his only son and never looked back, gets to have multiple relationships while I stay single and probably, eventually, an old maid, while I put all my energy into raising HIS son and continuously put my own needs to the side.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my son more than anything on the earth but the loneliness……there are some moments it gets so bad I feel like walls of blackness are caving in on me, shutting me in and I can’t breathe and I think The Nothing is finally here to take me.


It just isn’t fair.

Fine! Then what would I do to make it fair?

I honestly don’t know.  I know life isn’t fair and that is just how it is.  It just seems that the unjust and wicked are getting the upper hand and maybe they are.  I just have to tell myself that I am the one who is the better person for sticking around, raising and loving my child, even if my ex-husband didn’t want to.  I have to tell myself I am the one who wins a few more moments of life with every pound I lose and not just to get a man to love me.

So, in essence what isn’t fair can also be seen as what I win by working hard and when I feel lonely at the end of the day because my life has lead me down a friendless and loveless road, I just have to remind myself that my goals are being accomplished.

Even if no one else cares.

Endurocross it is!

I swear, I lost my estrogen a LONG time ago!  All I do now are “boy” things!

We are going to another Motocross event and I’m excited, just not excited for the noise as those bikes are super loud but man these are some talented (and HOT) guys.  The last Motocross event we went to, the loud popping sound effects mixed in with the loud motorcycles blew my ear drums out.  But it was a small price to pay to the Motocross gods.  It was fun.  That event was a show though, not a race.  This event tomorrow, is a race.

Photos from an event in Las Vegas May 3, 2013.  Photos from endurocross.com and by Drew Ruiz

It’s just another reason for me to LOVE having a son!  And damn do I spoil him! HA!

Weekly Weigh In – Droopy Drawers!

The dilemma of the dropping pants continues.


My size 12 Apt 9 dress pants that I bought only a month ago, are no longer looking “fit”.  I’m VERY glad I didn’t get the size 14’s!  I’m getting the “bag lady” droopy pants effect again like I was experiencing with the size 18’s a few months ago.  I seem to be losing A LOT of hips and thighs much faster than my middle.  That is probably because I’m jogging.  I may have to occupy my Step-Grandmother to take the legs in a bit of my 4 pairs of size 12’s only because, I paid good money for them and didn’t get them at Goodwill.  And they are in perfect condition.  I think I could wear them a bit more if they are just taken in a bit.

Yesterday, I put on my size 14 black dress pants, not thinking at all that they were 14’s as I thought that I got rid of all the pants that were 14 and above and I spent the entire day trying to keep them up.  I giggled to myself.

I did get into a pair of 10/11 Skinny jeans I got from the Goodwill a few months ago that were sitting on the top of my closet shelf, just waiting.  They actually look really DAMNED good!

But hey!  I now have something in common with the Kia Soul Hamsters!

Fun times…..

Anyway, what were today’s results??

4 more lbs down!

Total: 49 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

*SIGH* it is done…..

I am no long seeing a number 2 on that scale.  I knew it was coming even if it was a long time coming but it is a phenomenal feeling to see it actually happen.  So I’m officially done with the 200’s.

What is also phenomenal is this feeling, in my heart and my mind, that I’m so excited and I smile a lot.  I have been known to tweet lately that nothing tastes as good as this smile on my face feels or the endorphins released after jogging.  THAT is what makes that chocolate cake that tries to tempt me look like a big pile of horse dung!

I be a swashbuckling wench!

ARRRGH Mateys!

Ye all need to be talkin’ like a Pirate today and only be addressing me as…….

rdprg_-00_black-white-pink_front_vinyl-pirate-girl-flag-sticker-decal Dirty Mary Flint

I’m the pirate everyone else wants to throw in the ocean — not to get rid of me, you understand; just to get rid of the smell.  Like the rock flint, I’m hard and sharp.  But, also like flint, I’m easily chipped, and sparky. Arr!

So, I guess I need to bathe more?!

What do I and the Kia Soul Hamsters have in common?

Apparently, I have a lot in common with the Kia Soul Hamsters, as of lately.

They are working out pretty hard….



They are spending more time at the “salon”


All this to get an awesome result!


As much as I hate the look of these Kia Soul cars, I would over look that and get one JUST because I love these hamsters!

Seeing more action from a Mammography…

Apparently, the only action I’m going to get on my newly shaping (and starting to look rather HOT) body…is from a Mammography machine.

Being that my mother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer just two years ago at age 56 I felt the need to get my first Mammo done.  Granted, I’m only 36 ½ and usually these tests aren’t done until age 40 but now that Breast Cancer is in my close family, I wanted to just get it done.  So, yesterday afternoon, that is what I was getting done.  Along with some ultrasounds to check up on a 2009 diagnosis I recieved of Enlarged Ovaries.

I won’t go into the details.  I’m sure everyone is aware that it’s just a smushing of the breast at different angles to get a good image.  All in all, it wasn’t really that bad nor did it hurt to tremendously.

What I did find interesting is that my boob was just flopped onto a glass slab then mushed all around and I just wanted to giggle the whole time! Why? Because the last time my chest had been “fondled” like that was about 9 years ago!

I’m giggling now!

But in all seriousness, these Mammo’s are so important in detecting Breast Cancer.  I just can’t believe that I’m already at the age to be having one, even if a bit early.

NOTHING tastes as good as this feels….

I swear, in all my years, I thought I could never get over the fact that I could eat a whole chocolate cake by myself.  It was like there was nothing better than the taste of food and sweets.

I have found what is better.  This feeling, is far better than any chocolate.  This feeling is far better than any cheeseburger.  By “this” I mean my Mojo.

I had mentioned before about the single father of a girl in The Boy’s class.  We drop the kids off at the same time just about every morning and sometimes we pick them up at the same time in the afternoon.

Since school started in the 1st week in August, we have just been parental ships passing by each other just about every day.  I noticed no ring on his finger and never saw a woman dropping the kids off.  His daughter is in The Boy’s class and I found out from him that she has no mother living with them and lives only with her dad and younger brother.

Doesn’t THAT sound very familiar? It was then, I started giving him a “Good Morning” along with some smiles.  It was also then that I stopped putting my hair in a “librarian” bun on the top of my head every day and makeup, started appearing on my face.  All the while, I’m dropping more and more weight, yet gaining more and more Mojo.

(As a side note, I would like to remind all that I have not dated (seriously) nor been in a relationship since my divorce 9 years ago.  So in essence, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.)

piglet-1Moving on, yesterday, I found us at the sign in book, together.  He was waiting for me to sign The Boy out.  He hands me a pen and I say “thanks” (almost inaudibly) and never really make eye contact.  It was then I realized that my shyness could seriously come off as snobbery which is FAR from what I am like at all.  I’m just shyer than Piglet in his own movie!

This must change.

Last night, I told myself that if he happens to be there when I drop off The Boy the next morning, I would make a point to say hello, make eye contact and introduce myself as The Boy’s mother and confirm he is the father of the girl in The Boy’s class.  I would also take it as a sign from God if he happens to be there as sometimes, our paths do not cross on certain mornings.

Thusly, this morning, I got dressed and left at the normal time, got to school to drop The Boy off and noticed as I was pulling into the parking lot, there it was…his white mini van (yes, he drives a mini van).  He is no where to be seen however.  I pull up and park right next to it.


I get out and look up, there he comes.  Timing couldn’t have been MORE perfect.  We literally cross paths as I’m getting out of my car and he is getting into his.  I do as I promised myself.  I say hello, say that his daughter is in my son’s class.  He asks something of The Boy that I didn’t really hear because I had the sun shining in my eyes and I was trying to commit to making eye contact but avoid the sun burning my eyes out of their sockets.  Now that I think of it, I don’t even think The Boy heard because he never answered him.  Anyway, I smiled, then told him I felt I should at least introduce myself since we’ve been crossing paths just about every day since early August and our children are in the same class.  I gave him my name, he gave me his (with a smile) and we parted as I told him to have a great day.

The best part of this interaction was that he was not rushed to leave my presence.  He was making eye contact and talking and he even interacted with The Boy (a HUGE plus).  If he hadn’t been rushed to get to work, it could have turned into a full fledged conversation, I believe.

Overall, it was a very positive interaction and I’m hoping it opened the gates for more interactions in the future, whether it be small talk in the morning because we are needing to get to work or a bit lengthy on a Friday afternoon when there really isn’t anywhere to get to.

Regardless of whatever outcome happens, the whole thing broke down a few walls that I’ve built around myself.  That is for sure.

However, I know that this will probably lead no where and I wouldn’t be surprised nor disappointed if it didn’t but, it is still good to know that after many years of wallowing in my fat and psychological defeat, I can win my confidence back.  In the very least, this situation has shown me that.

I will continue with the smiles and small talk every day with him as much as I can.  I will continue to run my heart out on the treadmill and lose another 45 pounds.  I will continue to put makeup on daily and putting the great smelling Jasmine leave in conditioner in my hair which makes it look like silk in the wind.

Who knows what the future holds?  But what I do know is that no chocolate cake or cheeseburger EVER tasted as good as the smile on my face driving to work this morning felt.  Regardless of the outcome, that feeling was WINNING!

Also, should I wonder that his name just happens to be one of my favorite names of all time?  I won’t put it here but it starts with a B.


Hmmm..maybe that little “finger” I gave to God, woke Him up?

Weekly Weigh In – This is TORTURE!

I guess I lost weight in my…feet?

img-thingI have a pair of wedges from Sketchers that are comfortable and I’ve been wearing them constantly.  To give those Sketchers wedges a break, the other day, I decided to pull out my old black low heels that look like this.

They were always my favorite and fit good, in the past.  I go to put them on and they are WAY to big.  Now, I mean noticeably big.  Almost like I bought them a size to big or something.  It was a bizarre phenomenon but amusing all the same.

Also, today is a “how many needles can I get poked with” day.  I got my mega shot at the clinic an hour ago, the four B-6’s pricks, and in 2 hours, I head down to the blood lab to get blood samples taken.  My latest doctor visit sent me away with the paperwork to get all kinds of blood tests done.  I think he’s checking for diabetes and lupus (among other things) as those run in my family.

Fun times…..

Anyway, what were today’s results??

2 more lbs down!

Total: 45 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

OH MY GOSH!!!!!!

It’s a slow travel down and past the 200 lb mark.  I am exactly 200 lbs.  I just want to see 199 for crying out loud!  However, I have not weighed 200 since about 10 years ago, just after I lost my pregnancy weight.  So, I’m not unsatisfied at all.

Also, I have never liked that my body looks less than what the numbers on the scale really say.  According to the scale, this is 200 lbs:


I am inclined to disagree!

Or I hold the weight very well proportionally.

Or I’m just an anomaly!  I don’t know!

Oh puhleeze!

Do Alice AND Mary Poppins REALLY think they will catch Blunt’s attention?

What Blunt needs are females who are not children and prone to hookah sniffing (buh bye Alice) and not so narcissistic that they can’t stop looking at themselves when they see their reflection in anything shiny (yeah Mary, you keep telling yourself you are “Practically Perfect in Every Way”).

BLC needs me, Snow White.


I’m about as pure as pure gets and I’m only waiting for my Prince (BLC) to sweep me up to his Death Star in the clouds.

I mean look how cute we could be?!?


And Woody can join us to!  Who doesn’t love a cowboy in chaps!

Uh, can we can bring the 7 dwarves with us…maybe?



Let’s talk about 9/11

Every single American adult (and even the children) in this country will forever remember where they were the day that thousands of our fellow American died.  I’m sure, just like in the past 12 years on this day, there will be plenty of blog posts about what one was doing on that morning we witnessed the horror.

My story of that day and how days after have affected me, is no different or more special than the next person who blogs about their memories of this tragic event because we all, universally, shared the same emotions.

I was 24.  On that day, I woke up a bit earlier than normal because I was about to spend the day apartment hunting with my fiancé.  We were to be married on October 27, 2001.  I was not working at the time so I usually woke up later in the morning.  But today, I woke up earlier.

I turned on the T.V. and every channel was set to a burning skyscraper in New York City.  I really didn’t know the lay out or much of the demographics of New York because I live in California and have my whole life.  However, I did recognize these towers and knew them to house many business companies and many people worked in them.  As I stood in the kitchen, I stared at the T.V. listening to the reporters describing the flames coming out of the building because a plane had slammed into it and you could hear the panic in their voices mixed with confusion because no one really knew what was going on!  One reporter thought it was an accident or that maybe the pilot lost control.  Another did suggest a hijacking and that it was done on purpose.

It was when the second plane hit WHILE they were still reporting and showing footage of the first planes’ wreckage, that I believe every American watching it knew, all at once, in unison, what exactly was happening.

This was not an accident, this was deliberate.

I walked upstairs and woke up my mother and said “I think New York is being attacked. Come look at the news”.  Of course, knowing my mother, I should have used less dire words because she woke up with a start and I’m sure all she heard was the word “attack” and probably words I never said like “our house is being attacked and we are all going to die”.

Although, now that I think back, her awakening panic was very much called for this one time.

We both watched the news for a bit but I had to leave to go apartment hunting.  Of course, at this point I, and I believe a lot of us on the west coast and around the world, didn’t realize what kind of tragedy this would turn out to be.  I got back home later that afternoon after randomly listening to the radio news about what was happening in NY.  Little did I know that airports were being shut down simultanesouly across the country and public places were being cleared out.  Even Disneyland was quickly emptied out for fear of the unknown that could be heading towards ANY city or public venue, big or small, within the U.S.


Actual photo taken of Main Street, Disneyland in Anaheim the morning of 9/11/01.  By this time in the morning, Disneyland should have been filled with smiling guests. It was never opened that day. Photo from laughingplace.com

As the days rolled on, more news came in about what happened and what was thought to have happened.  The black boxes from the United planes were retrieved and soon released.  Stories began to flood in from people at Ground Zero and more footage was becoming accessible.  Being that I didn’t watch the whole news cast on the day it happened, I had yet to see the footage of the Towers collapsing until days later.  I was stunned and horrified when I did.

As the years rolled on and Anniversary’s of the day came and went, more stories came out.  Footage from random people in apartments many blocks away were revealed.  They even released some 911 calls that came in from people in the Towers and the planes which were devasting to hear.  Simply devastating.

Ever since that day, anytime I watch old movies from before 2001, I always notice something I’ve never noticed before.  Those tall, towering skyscrapers in the New York skyline.

It turned out that just as the Statue of Liberty depicted New York, so did those Twin Towers.

To this day, watching a movie that shows New York, or any metropolis, being attacked and buildings crashing to the ground, gives me chills and makes me cringe.  I know it’s all Hollywood and in those movies when Aliens attack, why wouldn’t they want to bring down every building they can.  I just think that from the moment the first plane hit on 9/11/01, the “Alien attacking” scenes from any movie, rubs everyone a little raw.

Before 9/11


From “Armegeddon” (1998) Image from rottentomatoes.com


From Super Mario Bros. (1995) Image from therealnewsonline.com

 Films more recently released…

A scene from The Avengers (2012)  Image from onthesetofnewyork.com

A scene from The Avengers (2012) Image from onthesetofnewyork.com

Man of Steel

Man of Steel ( 2013)  Image from businessinsider.com

September 11th is now called “Patriot Day”.

In remembrance of the thousands of lives lost.

In remembrance of the many children who lost mothers and fathers, many spouses who lost husbands and wives and many families who lost brothers and sisters.

911 Never Forget

Sometimes…I just want to give God the finger

Yes, you are assuming correctly.  This post will not be fun.  It will not be easy.  It may very well ex-communicate me from owning any property in the Kingdom of Heaven but it simply has to be said.  Because I’m just pissed!

Dear God,

Sometimes, I just want to give You the finger.

Matthew 4:19

“Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will send you out to fish for people.”

Then, I do follow…and the road You lead me down hurts beyond belief!  It’s lonely.  It’s frustrating.  It breaks my heart multiple times.

Is this Your “love”?

Matthew 19:21

Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

Ok, no problem.  I will live simply, yet pure.  Still the pain and heart ache continue.  I never find my laugh or smile.  I just walk down this path that leads to The Nothing.

I’m reminded of a scene from a movie called The Devil’s Advocate:

“Look, but don’t touch”

“Touch, but don’t taste”

“Taste, but don’t swallow”

Really?  Do You really watch us from up there and laugh as we bounce back and forth trying to obey Your word so that we will be blessed in the Kingdom of Heaven?  While those who scoff and mock you (maybe ex-husbands who were out right atheists) get all the joy?

I would like to hope not.  I can see why non-believers question You so much.

You have given us free will.  You have given us the right to choose our actions.  Yet, why does it feel that when I choose the path of righteousness, You turn Your back and go “ha…ha, tricked ya!”

Photo from mycomicshop.com

Photo from mycomicshop.com

Is this Bizarro World?  I think it is because it looks like the wicked souls and evil hearts of this world are not only getting off scott free but enjoying it as well. I just found out today that my ex-husband, is yet again with another woman.  While I’m sure this relationship of his will be just as meaningless as all the others after me, at least he gets to a relationship, period.   And don’t ask me how I found out.  That doesn’t matter but from what I know, he’s had a few different relationships and that is a few more than I ever had in the past 10 years.   And believe me, this isn’t jealously talking…and if it is, the only thing I’m jealous about is that he gets to live his life with little worries while I get stomach ulcers trying to raise a kid and keep my sanity.

Oh, why have I not had relationships, You may ask?  Well, I don’t know why You would ask that. You are up there looking down at me, maybe laughing, as I jump Your ropes, go to Your churches and praise Your name.  But in case You do decide to blame the fact that I’m human, well the reason I’ve been utterly alone is because I’m raising a child.  This is the same child that the aforementioned ex-husband abandoned, to be fatherless.  Yet YOU feel the need to give that man freedom, relationships and a relatively stress free life while I deal with doctor appointments, whining attitudes, homework/teachers, teaching a human how to be a decent person (and praise Your name) and worst of all…loneliness.

Did I not choose wisely enough for You?  Was deciding to follow through on my actions and raise a child that didn’t deserve to be abandoned not righteous enough for You?  I guess that isn’t enough for You since you feel the need to torture me more and more as the years go on.

It isn’t enough that You gave me the physique and looks of Quasimodo so that I have to work extra hard just to keep up with the slowest metabolism on the planet, another quality that you so graciously granted me.  And of course, it isn’t enough that I should even be remotely rewarded for actually losing the most weight ever except maybe to probably live longer but live longer in this lonely existence you gave me?!  Doesn’t seem like a reward to me.

Regardless, all in all, sometimes, just sometimes God, I want to flip you a finger and a half because sometimes, just sometimes, You choose to bless the wrong people.

That is all.

P.S.  Please don’t strike me down with lightening for ranting at You.  I don’t really want to give You the finger but  sometimes You deserve a good rant because I’m looking back onto the sand and I’m only seeing my tired emotionally exhausted feet dragging in the sand and Your footprints are no where to be found.

Oh and sorry for yelling

This rant brought to you by the number three (which sounds like cheese, as in “Would you like some more cheese with that Whine”) and by the letters F and U.

It rarely happens, but I lost it….

Yup, I did.  Sometimes, I just want to rip my hair out when The Boy moans and groans and whines when I ask him to do something, especially something that doesn’t include staring at his phone or computer game.  Sometimes, he just ignores me completely and that will send me over the edge and madder than a March Hare.

Yesterday afternoon, I had enough.  He wanted to go swimming and of course, got his trunks on all on his own because when he WANTS to do something, he doesn’t need to be asked 100 times.  However, I had asked him for the 100th time to get off the stupid cell phone game and after I got ignored…I blew up.

I have a calender set up on the Fridge.  This calendar marks the day I will get him his Bearded Dragon.  On this calendar is a magnet which is on that day.  That magnet has been moved farther and farther away for almost the past month. Why? Well, that would be because one to many times, that kid acts like a little crap.

So, after I had to get loud about telling him to get off his game for the 100th time, he begins to talk back to me.

I calmly gave him a warning, no! I gave him several:

Frustrated Mother:  Boy, I highly suggest you shut your mouth now or you will regret the consequences.” (and yes, he knows what consequences means)

The Boy: “But I’m not doing anything!”

Frustrated Mother:  “Your mouth is open and words are coming out of it….close your mouth”

The Boy: “But I didn’t say anythi…”

Frustrated Mother: “Again, Boy, your mouth is moving and words are coming out.  Shut it”

The Boy: “But I’m not say…..”

I wonder where he gets his argumentive, persistent nature from?  Maybe he’ll be a lawyer?

Regardless, I was done.

I got up, walked right to that Bearded Dragon calendar, and ripped it to shreds.

I did not move the magnet even further.

I did not pass GO

I did not collect $200.

I ripped that fucker to shreds.

The Boy went ape shit.

I sent him to his room, slammed his door and said I didn’t want to see him right now.

10 minutes later, he’s knocking on his door, which means he wants to talk (not argue) and I told him he could come out.

Hugs and apologies were exchanged.  Me, for losing my cool and going on a ripping rampage and him for popping off his mouth.

I swear, that boy gets off lucky, though.  If I popped off my mouth when I was younger, I would see the back of my mother’s hand, then I would see stars for days.  Jeez….

I told him he cannot speak to me in that manner and said he still had to suffer consequences.  I gave him a choice.  He could either give up his afternoon of swimming for that day or he could say good bye to the Bearded Dragon calendar forever (and the Bearded Dragon).

I knew which he would pick.

A new Bearded Dragon calendar has been printed up and will be put back onto the Fridge tonight.


Motivation….because only the prospects of owning a lizard can make a boy not act like a little shit

However, that magnet, which started at August 24, is now getting moved to September 28th.

I do wonder how long we will play the “Magnet Moving” game though?