Good Morning….Insect of DEATH

I would like to press the “restart” button on this day.

I left my candle lit last night, out on my balcony.  I guess this attracts insects of the worse kind when they are rogue and lost and alone in the cold.

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Not the actual culprit but this does accurately depict the actual size….yes, not joking

It welcomed a one inch Yellow Jacket onto my balcony back door.  So, when I went out this morning to blow out the candle, unbeknownst to me, it flew in through the open door behind me.  I did not see it until about 10 minutes later when I saw this HUGE thing with legs on my wall. As I inched closer, thinking it was one of the gargantuan flies that live in this state, I noticed the yellow stripes and antenna.

There it was. A Yellow Jacket.  I backed away slowly, about to run, then realizing, uh this bastard was in MY house…I don’t run!  This does not imply that I wasn’t scared out of my wits.

I announced to The Boy there was a Yellow Jacket in my room and to keep the cat out because the dumb cat would get in my way of killing it thinking it was a play toy and get himself stung!  And that is all I would need!  A wounded cat and a crying kid.  The Boy closed his door and refused to come out until I could present the Death Certificate of this monster.

*Sigh* I resigned to being late to work..

So I stopped my morning routine and attempted to kill this beast.  I grabbed the big 3 inch thick Bible I found at an Estate Sale and was determined to show this thing the Word of God.

With my Bible in hand, it took me 10 minutes just to approach it and it logo_bamsmackpow-comkept moving around my room and landing in awkward places.  But finally I hit it!!!

The insect fell as did the 3 inch Bible I hit it with and both landed behind my nightstand! So, I spent another 20 minutes dissecting the area but did find it, dead and lifeless, directly below where I hit it.  It matched the carpet to perfection which made it hard to see.

God-damn it.

So, it was dead and I was able to confirm to The Boy, said death, with a corpse and documentation.

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I wasn’t about to pick it up with a tissue like it was a fly.  It had a stinger and could still have been playing dead.  Instead, I grabbed the vacuum and sucked that bastard up.

Crunch….crunch….crunch, it went and was gone.  Now, I was about 30 minutes late into starting my day but I didn’t care.  There was no way I was going to leave a Yellow Jacket, dead or alive, in my house.  It must die and die it did.

But he really must have been lost because there are no insects of that kind roaming around this time of year when it’s really cold.  He was doomed to die.

Cats have feeling to…

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And apparently, mine does, but he did have a reason.

I’ve been in my new apartment for just under a month now.  My cat has taken to meowing for long periods of time at night.  His demeanor has changed slightly since his living arrangements have changed a bit.  He went from a big apartment to run around to being locked into one solitary room for 6 months straight.

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Uh, maybe cuz he’s a LITTLE BITCH!

But just last night, he was yet again, walking around, meowing at the wind, when I realized what was happening.  I now see that he meows in middle of night at all the other cats roaming the apartment complex because apparently, there is an array of them.  I heard one last night…from across the complex.  Now, it could have been meowing from the window of it’s home, I could care less but this little fucker was loud!

And there sat my Cat, meowing in the direction of his whining girlfriend.

Goddamn CAT, I love him!

Has there ever been a time you were truly happy?

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My mother presented this question to me last night during a phone conversation and it actually got me to thinking about how I could truly and honestly answer that question.

I’m half way through my life and at this point I can honestly say, after taking some time to lay in bed and think about it, that I have never, ever been genuinely happy, ever.

Now, there were times I was content and maybe even close to happy.  However, looking back on those times, I realized the happiness was coming from a time in my life that was not true reality, more like a House of Cards that eventually all came crumbling down.  It was not real.

The one time I remember actually being content enough to borderline true happiness was the last three months I was pregnant, back in early 2004.  Weird, I know, to think the third trimester of a very LARGE pregnancy would make any women feel happy, but I was.  I had been taken off work by my doctor, due to a painful gallstone which eventually prompted the removal of my whole gallbladder years later.  During that time, I just watched my food intake and was able to keep the pain under control.

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My Abyssinian/Siamese mix I had back in 2004

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My Abyssinian baby boy back in 2004

Those days in the first three months of 2004 were peaceful, calm and quite serene.  I would get up, not rushed, not fatigued and cuddle with my cats, then maybe go eat something and walk around the mall a bit, or just sit at home and play a video game. I felt no urgency to be somewhere, no worry about paying bills.  Money was actually flowing in pretty good at that time because I was getting a disability check from my employer, using PTO time for being off work (so I was still getting a paycheck) and getting $1400 a month from AFLAC for disability.  So I was basically getting a paycheck and then some.  I was truly content and seemingly without a care in the world.

Thinking about it now, as I mentioned before, I was in a dream world, a world that wasn’t truly reality.  I remember reality hitting VERY hard after the baby was born.  The reality of a divorce, suddenly becoming a single mother and dealing with being a mother while living under my own mother’s roof (cliff notes version, a mother can’t be a mother while still living in their own mother’s house…impossible).

But to answer that initial question, have I ever been truly happy, the answer would be universally NO.  I’m constantly in a state of agitation and worry.  I’m constantly feeling pain of some sort, whether in my heart, through my emotions or actual physical pain.  Thankfully the latter is much less since my 67 lb weight loss however, the 67 lb weight loss just adds to the psychological obsession that I have to make sure I never gain the weight back again.  It also means the other forms of pain are only emphasized.

I know it is all me. I know we all create our own paths and our own happiness and I’m not saying that I have moments, and by moments, I mean literally, just seconds, of content-ness.  (yeah, I made that word up, deal)

For instance, each evening, when I’m done with cooking dinner, doing my workout, cleaning up the apartment a bit, making sure The Boy is bathed and teeth brushed, telling The Boy to bath and brush his teeth 5-10 times in a row, getting The Boy to bed, making sure I’M bathed and I’m actually sitting down on the couch with my tablet and my cat, ready to crumble into a short state of vegetation because I realize I have to go to bed to start the routine all over again, sometimes, in that short state of vegetation, I will have a moment of content.  The cat helps.  Pets are truly therapy.IMG_20131210_222227

I have never really strived to reach pure happiness because I really don’t think it exists.  I know some say being a parent brings happiness and I won’t deny that it does, sometimes, but sometimes, for me, the most being a parent and being a single parent has brought me is the realization that my sanity can be pushed just a little more each day to the brink of utter and massive detonation.

starsToday, I did reach 30 stars on my Starbucks Rewards Program.  Now, I’m officially a Starbucks Gold Member (as long as I keep purchasing Starbucks for the next 12 months and keep the stars coming).  In a way, that granted me a bit of joy.  I do enjoy my Starbucks Pike Blend (never the frothy foo-foo coffee drinks…just straight Pike for me!)

fav-broccoli-cheddar-soup-doublewide_desktopHappiness is different for each individual person.  I, personally, thought losing the most weight I’ve ever lost in my life and being able to actually see my ribs would make me happy.  SURPRISE SURPRISE!  I’m still miserable.  But hey, at least my feet don’t hurt any more and I can squeeze into size 8 skinny jeans!  But in return, I never get to enjoy a Bread Bowl filled with Broccoli and Cheese soup from Panera Bread, ever…ever again.

So, I wonder, if you sit and think about the initial question, “Have you ever been TRULY happy?”, first be honest with the part of the question that says “TRULY”.  Then try and tell me you’ve been there.  You’ll see things different when the rose-colored glasses are removed and you notice that everything is shit brown.

Blegh.

Oh look at that…I’m still alive…

I guess now would be as good a time as ever to write up the world’s longest update post.

The end of 2013 is proving to be full of twists and turns and even loop holes.  I will break it down into a few different sections, more to satisfy my OCD than anything else.  So without further adieu, the last few months of my existence, broken down into categories and in no particular order, (I warned you all about my OCD right?).

Divorce

There is never an easy or 1, 2, 3 type divorce.  Although I will admit, my divorce 10 years ago went as much in my favor as it could have, especially compared to other divorces.  However, I knew the day would come when I would have to dish out another chunk of money to get what I needed.  That day has come.

As of this week, I borrowed a nice chunk of money from my parents and I have put down a huge retainer to re-hire my previous divorce attorney to re-open my case from 2005.  The decision to do this was prompted because I realized that my ex-husband makes a lot more money now than he did back in 2005 and I make a lot less than I did back in 2005. child-support-image-624x499

My attorney, after roughly looking at our incomes, feels I should be getting double of the child support that I’m currently receiving.  The main thing going against my ex-husband is that he has 0% time with The Boy.  He hasn’t seen him in almost 9 years.  I am 100% full custodial parent, therefore, all expenses, on a 24/7 basis, come out of my pocket.

If all goes well, instead of $496 monthly child support I currently get, my attorney is going to see I get close to $1300 a month.

That amount is according to my yearly income and my ex-husband’s yearly income.  That number is not me wanting to clean my ex out….it is based on our incomes, nothing more.

That is how much MORE he makes than me, yet I have The Boy 100%.

Sounds friggin’ fair to me!!!

Money

Rose Smith: Money. I hate, loathe, despise and abominate money.

Mr. Alonzo Smith: You also spend it.

—Quoted from “Meet Me in St. Louis”

money22Money can prove to be another love/hate relationship that I have developed.  I hate that life in general depends on it.  For the past few months, I’ve been seriously living paycheck to paycheck, as I’m sure all of America is.  However, my last resort is moving back in with my parents and in all honestly, I would rather slit my wrists that do that again.  Nothing against them, we just cannot live together, it can’t happen.

I also hate that I don’t have enough money to enjoy life.  And don’t tell me “oh you can enjoy life without money”.  It’s a lie.  Sure I can go for a walk or take The Boy to a park but does it cost gas to drive anywhere? Yup.  And maybe the walk would cost nothing, until someone gets hungry or wants ice cream.

Then, don’t get me started on how I can’t keep food in my fridge at all.  Remember, I eat nothing.  Some nights, my dinner consists of a bowl of corn flakes or 2 hard boiled eggs.  That kid is eating me out of house and home and still demands more.

That is why I am taking my ex-husband back to court (see above).  I mean sure I could live in the ghetto and my kid could go to the worst school in the state but I’m going to try everything I can to keep off of welfare and keep out of the ghetto.  Call me a snob if you want but that is just how I was raised.  No free hand outs and all options must have been tried before it becomes dire straits.

It all keeps adding up though.  My car also needs about $1000 of work done and I have the warning lights popping up left and right.  I need all new tires as the ones I have are apparently balding.  I need new brakes and a couple of other things. But it all added up to well over $1000.

I’m hoping that I can squeeze as much out of my tax refund in February as I can to pay back my parents for the divorce attorney retainer and get my car fixed and then, that leads me to…

The Cat

As I posted back in October, my cat spent three nights in the hospital due to Kidney failure and dehydration.  They were able to get him into much better shape and I took him home.  Since then, I’ve gone out of my way every month to get his supply of Renal LP food directly from the vet and he has been doing fine.  I was told he might need about $600 of dental work done at a later date.IMG_20131210_222227

The past few days, he has been doing the gagging thing while he eats, again.  I believe it is due to his teeth.  I was hoping, being that he is 5 years old and half way through his life, I would be able to get through the next 5 or so years with no problems.  That is what I get for thinking.

There is no way I can afford another $600 of dental work and the two credit cards I have are already maxed out what with having to squeeze money from my ass to pay for my divorce attorney.  I am no longer getting approved for any more credit so I’m at my credit card cap.

I’m going to play it by ear and try and mush up his food as best as I can to get him to eat without gagging.  He also needs to learn not to scarf down his food, even though he is an animal, he can’t eat like one or he chokes.  I’m hoping just mushing his food and giving him little bits will help him eat slower.  But he is a stubborn cat….if he starts to associate the food with him gagging, he won’t go near it and he can’t, nor will he, eat any other store brand food.  The food I give him now is a vet prescription for his Renal failure.  He could go back to starving himself again.

I don’t even want to think about losing that cat…damn him…I love him so much.

Ugh..moving on…

Health

Meh, the end of November/beginning of December was tough.  I didn’t exercise much because of Thanksgiving cutting into my routine and of course Thanksgiving provided plenty of food to eat but I tried to steer clear of carbs and just eat turkey, lots of turkey.

Then the week after Thanksgiving, my lower back when out and I got the flu. I was out of work for 2 days last week.  I just need a really long deep tissue massage because the amount of stress and pain that is piercing my back and neck daily is almost enough to make me scream.  But how much does a massage cost? and oh..that’s right, I have NO husband to lightly rub my back for me so, a simple massage is in my dreams.  I’m still waking up with no strength in my lower back to even sit up.  I also believe alot of it is my sciatica because the twinging pain goes down both my legs pretty much all day.  I’m just living with it.

thSo day by day I endure the physical pain and just smile and nod so everyone thinks I’m holding it together when in essence, I just want to rip my spine out and pop it back into place.

But that takes me into….

Weight

375x321_lose_weight_fast_how_to_do_it_quickly_ref_guideAh, here is another part of my daily existence I have to constantly be thinking about.  I must monitor all that goes into my pie hole.  Actually, I don’t mind doing that and the My Fitness Pal app really helps out with monitoring food intake versus exercise output.  It is when I lack exercise that I start to feel my muscles that I’ve worked so hard on developing, start to deflate like a pierced balloon.

However, I have managed to maintain my weight and the total loss of 62 lbs.  I’ve gained nothing even though I haven’t been on the appetite suppressants for over a month and haven’t been to visit the clinic for the injections due to me needing to pay a balance to start up another 10 weeks of visits.  So in essence, I can do it on my own.  But I still have at least 30 more to lose before I get to the “on my own completely” point with only visits to the clinic for the vitamin injections and maintenance.  However, I just bought a size 8 pair of pants making me officially down 10 pants sizes since April, from a size 18 to the now size 8.

And guess what?  According to the BMI charts, I’m still in the “Obese” category so apparently a size 8 is obese.  The BMI charts can kiss my size 8 ass.

Dating

I broke down and paid for a membership on Christian Mingle.com  I haven’t been on there long enough to really establish my opinions about it but on the surface, it seems like there are a lot less crazies there than Match or any of those free places.  Those free sites are scary. Uh, yeah…I think my opinion is starting to become established.  So called “Christian”‘ men are just as much ass holes and jerks as any other man, if not worse.

I really just can’t move in a positive direction in the dating category.  I have a condition that doesn’t allow me to deal well with men who are sarcastic, egotistical and want only one thing.  Then throw in someone who thinks they are better than you in every way, and I’m done.

I have better things to do.

The Boy

One of my favorite movies

One of my favorite movies

I really can’t put my finger on what kind of relationship I have with The Boy.  There are parts of his personality that are coming out that I really do not like.  He argues way to friggin’ much.  He also gets way to moody and in a stinky attitude if he doesn’t get his way.  I’ve taken to just sending him to his room when he gets the pouting face and stinky attitude if he doesn’t get what he wants.  I don’t even want to see him.  Then, minutes later, he comes out all wanting hugs and cuddles and I’m like “really kid?”.  I’m telling you, he is bipolar.

Then again, he comes from me and I’m riding the roller coaster of emotions sometimes.  However, ungratefulness is something I won’t tolerate and I think I spoil him.  He is becoming greedier and greedier each Christmas and that just doesn’t sit well with me.  It reflects off of me and makes me look pretty bad.  But I have to remember, I am fighting more “Nature” than anything and he still has his father’s assholery genetics.  I spend a lot of my energy trying to erase genetics and that may be a losing battle.

But damn did I make a good looking human.  My kid is so handsome!

The Family

Ah, my family.  I find it truly interesting to love and despise someone, at the same time.  My mother, I just don’t know what to feel about her sometimes.  I think I need to just makes friends with the fact that it is just what it is.  She and my father took money out of my father’s retirement to give to me to retain my divorce attorney (see above) and if I hadn’t been given that money I wouldn’t have been able to move forward with changing my child support.  For that, I love them both.Funny-eCards-9

But sometimes, she just needs to learn to keep her mouth shut.  However, in her defense, we all kind of do.  I know I tend to have foot in mouth disease on occasion.

My sister, she is on the losing weight bandwagon now which is an even bigger motivation for me to stay at a weight below her.  She has also joined a medical clinic as I have and takes the appetite suppressants and tries to cut out carbs.  She has lost about 10 lbs so far.  I really hope that this is the breaking point for her as it has been for me.  I hope that she tells herself to never go back and sure, we may falter and eat one to many pieces of pizza but we get back on track.  She needs to get a hold of her body more than me because her weight really brings her down desperately and she really becomes very scary to be around and her depression becomes palpable.

We cancelled the Montana trip on Christmas week to visit my other sister.  It was going to be to expensive and time consuming and I really couldn’t take that much time off work but more importantly, there was NO way I was taking a 3 day/3 state driving trip with my mother, father and sister.  I would have run us off the road just to end the anguish.

Depression

I have moments where I feel I have failed at just about every aspect of my life.  I failed at my marriage 10 years ago.  I failed at being able to support my child and myself financially because I’m living paycheck to paycheck and sometimes not even with enough in a paycheck.  I feel I’ve failed to work on myself so that I could attract a decent male to accompany me in this journey of life.  I really think there is just something wrong with me which is why I don’t have a man.  It’s not my weight because I don’t have that issue anymore.  I thought I was just plain ugly which could still be the case but maybe, I just have a rotten personality, which is why I attract absolutely no one which explains why I don’t have a husband or friends.  Or it could be that men are jerks (see Dating section above).thCAROPVN4

I’m not confirming that is the case, I’m just throwing out theories because I just don’t know but this is where the depression stems from.

I’m going to be brutally honest here but, sometimes, I get so lonely that if there was a sharp object or even gun around, I can say that I would not be writing this post at all…it would be over.  I think it comes to that point because of the type of person I am.  I crave affection and human touch.  I haven’t had an adult hug me, that wasn’t my parents or sisters, in the past 10 years.

DID YOU READ THAT…10 YEARS!  It’s like my soul is dying inside of this shell of flesh I walk around in.  But I don’t give in because I just keep thinking, “Who would take care of my son”.  I mean if something did happen to me, my sister would step forward and even though we disagree on a lot, there are aspects of raising children we do agree on and I can trust to her follow my footsteps.  But I wouldn’t be there.

Damn Satan and his invention of Depression.

But then I move onto…..

Things I’m looking forward to….

Christmas, although this year, I really haven’t been feeling the cheer of it all.  Mainly that is because of the lack of funds for all the big things The Boy wants but then I get annoyed at his greediness and selfishness sometimes.  But it could also be because I’m just plain alone.  I have no one to share any of the season with, other than The Boy but that is not the same.  I put up all my decorations all alone and I sit, each night, looking at my tree, all alone.  It all really just makes me so depressed.

However, I do love this season.  I love that it gets cold (even though, as I get older I realized the cold does a nasty number on my bones).  I love seeing all the decorations and lights go up on houses and driving at night to see them.

There are also some fantastic movies coming out.  Saving Mr. Banks is #1 on my must see list, along with The Hobbit and Madea’s Christmas.  I enjoyed Thor immensely and really like the whole storyline and the tie up with all the Avengers and Shield.  Yeah, I’m a nerd like that but I love it.

Olaf-In-Frozen-Movie-HD-WallpaperI also saw Frozen and actually really enjoyed it.  My favorite character was Olaf, the talking snowman who likes warm hugs and longs to spend a day warm in the sun on the beach…poor delusional snowman.  There was one scene where he had me laughing long after the scene was over.  I haven’t laughed like that in so long it felt good.  I loved him so much, the next day I went to the Disney outlet and got me an Olaf plushie of my own.  I give him warm hugs.

Foremost……God

Ah yes, that omnipresence that hovers over me telling me not to give into sin and temptation yet insists I endure day after day of temptaion and sin topped with lonely heart ache.  The Good Lord is also turning out to be another love/hate relationship with me.  I will never understand why He thinks my life of loneliness will ever prompt me to want to follow Him fully and purely, but on the other hand, I still do.tumblr_lqqtbpkVFB1qj065bo1_500

It’s also apparent that even though I’ve lost enough weight to be down 8 sizes He makes a point to show me that the weight wasn’t the problem.  The fact that I’m pretty much the plainest and to put it simply, ugliest person on the planet, keeps me from ever getting rid of my life of loneliness.  Of course, in all of this I’m using satire (so don’t start telling me I have some sort of self perception disorder) to get the point across but the point is, God wants me to be alone.

Thanks God.  Let’s just come to terms with the fact that You’ve pretty much left me to rot in a sea of loneliness and even though You’ve made sure to flaunt every single happy couple in front of me during this lonely holiday season, I will still follow You because it’s better to be lonely in this life of flesh than burning for eternity in the Lake of Fire.

Right???  *sigh*

Last but not least…

funny-birthday-ecards-15I found one thing that I do very well.  Getting old

On Dec 2nd I turned 37 years old.  Big Friggin’ Deal is what I say.  I am not growing old gracefully and hate that my youth is being wasted away in these lonely, terribly lonely years I have to look forward to.  So my birthday is just a reminder of the day that this lonely life of mine began.   I could care less about it.

I think that all just about covers it.

It’s been a long time…..

It’s been a long time…with a lot going on.

On the weight front, I have not returned to the clinic nor am I taking the appetite suppressants at the present.  It has been tough to not eat anything and everything all the time.  I haven’t gained anything as I’m still exercising 4-5 times a week including weight lifting (my arms are getting muscles and the bat wings are disappearing) but I can see it creeping back over time if I don’t watch what I’m putting into my mouth.  I’ve consumed more chocolate and Almond Roca than I care to admit.  I will be returning to the clinic this Friday to sign up for another 10 weeks as I still need to get down another 40 pounds.  I need to get started on the medications again and get my vitamin shots.  But I am at a total of 60 pounds lost.  I am really going to have to get in the proper disciplined mind set for the upcoming food frenzied holidays.

Family drama is at its best, as usual.  What I have come to find is that if outside elements such as certain horrible skeletons in the closet and the sister’s of my mother, would not stick their claws into my mother’s, my sister’s and my life, we would actually be fine.  I’m just plain sick of it all.  However, my mother and I still disagree on a lot and we have nasty blow outs (this last Saturday being one which ended in her mocking my lonely depression pain by playing a “violin” and saying “whoa is me” and me tell her “fuck you”….yeah…it was ugly) BUT we always return to each other and unspoken apologies are…well…unspoken and I’ll accept an unspoken apology as opposed to no apology.

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Snickers

My cat is doing MUCH better.  He is my little Fuzzy Face and I love him SOOO much that it weirds me out how much I do!  He’s a brat though.  I got my Xmas tree up this past weekend and he was all over it playing with the ornaments but so far, nothing broken and he has since lost interest.

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My Christmas Tree

Speaking of getting my Xmas decorations, they are up.  I mean, sheesh, a local station is already playing Xmas music as I type this so what is wrong with getting my decorations up even before Thanksgiving.  I needed the holiday cheering up anyway and Xmas lights and Xmas songs will cheer me up every time.

I am still as lonely as ever.  I have, once again, come to the conclusions that I will never find a man to love me because of the horrific combination that I don’t trust men and that most are liars and cheats.  I know that sounds so cliché but I call it like I see it.  However, I’m taking the steps to get out of the overall lonely mode in general.  I’ve made friends with the parents of The Boy’s best bud in school.  I took both boys to the Ontario Fury Soccer game yesterday and it was fantastic!  The Boy is also going to be spending a day of Thanksgiving break with his friend so I get a night off.  It’s also nice to see a good, hard working family is a part of my kid’s life.

I am no longer going to Montana to visit my sister for Xmas.  The expense was going to be much but most of all, I couldn’t take a 3 days road trip with my mother and sister.  I know I would lose my mind and I know they would to, having to deal with me and my grumpy attitude sometimes.  Also, my car is not up to par.  I just had a quote of almost $1000 of work that needs to be done.  I had planned on going to San Francisco to the Walt Disney Museum over the Thanksgiving weekend but I had to fix my car and I couldn’t afford a rental.  So those repairs need to get done.

So, I’m taking that money I was going to spend and after sending out my niece and nephew their presents and getting all my other Christmas gifts (mostly gift cards), I’m getting a 3 day multi—pass to Disneyland and getting a hotel room nearby and spending the weekend after Xmas there.  I miss my Annual Pass tremendously (although I have a plan in the works on getting those back again) so I want to spend some time at my “Happy Place” and rejuvenate my smile again.

Other than that…I’m still here trekking along.

Yeah, can I just spend the rest of my life drunk?

drinking-drunk-toast-alcohol-drinking-ecards-someecards

I know, bad title especially for those who do deal with drinking problems, but I really have to admit…these past few days I’ve just wanted to drink my existence into oblivion.

I’m so emotionally drained.  The cat threw up on Saturday but the reason why is unknown to me.  He may have eaten to fast or something.  He hasn’t thrown up again and is seeming to be doing fine.  He is VERY clingy to me now though.  Now, he only eats his dinner IN my lap, nowhere else.  I would feed him all meals in my lap if it would get him to eat and gain weight but I have to work and can’t.  So, only his dinners are in my lap, on the couch.  I will now have to work my evening schedule around lap feeding my cat.  What’s funny is if you knew this cat’s personality, being clingy and cuddly is NOT what this cat is about so the constant “I MUST be sitting right on your lap” attitude he’s adopted is new for me.  I like it, but then realize, it’s just another whiny, clingy living creature I have to contend with.

I also have to give him medications, twice a day.  Antacids, for the upset tummy and Antibiotics for the mouth infection.  Apparently, there is no easy way to give a cat medications through a syringe or dropper.  He fights me every time and sometimes, sprays the medication all over the place and me because he shakes his head.  This morning, I made the mistake of getting fully dressed for work BEFORE giving him his meds.  Let’s just say I had to change just before walking out the door.

The total cost for this whole ordeal, after 3 nights of hospitalization, the initial first visit and the two meds and special food: $916.00  I have no words….

Anyway, the other clingy, whiny creature I contend with is The Boy.  I swear, I love that kid to death but he seriously needs to just grow a pair.  Harsh, I know, but he whines and complains at every little scratch or bump.  He hit his head while playing soccer at school and got a sore in his mouth, where the ball hit him.  Now it’s whining and moaning every time he eats because it stings the sore.  I say suck it up kid!  You want to play ice hockey?  You gotta learn to suck it up!  Are you  bleeding? No.  Anything broken? No. Then suck it up!

I’m mean, I know but hell! I used to play volleyball with dislocated fingers and busted knees!  My coach would say “wrap that up and let’s go!  You’re our best setter!”

The Boy needs to suck it up….

On top of that, I had another riling verbal go at it with my mother and sister after church on Sunday.

My sister…I laugh at her sometimes.  Not because I’m making fun of her but because she is trying to hold onto the last dying hope that our mother will actually stop trying to control our lives and not have “selective amnesia” when it comes to things we say.  I’ve told my mother I do NOT like when The Boy interrupts our adult conversations just so he can get a game on her iPad or to get her to turn her mobile WiFi on.  He knows to NEVER do that with me nor when my sister and I our talking.  Yet, when my mother is there…he turns into a disrespectful little bugger.  It’s because she allows it.

So, apparently, my mother doesn’t remember the 50 times I’ve told her that I will not allow disrespectful interrupting from The Boy, even though my sister backed up pretty much each time I’ve told her, as she has heard me say it to our mother, multiple times.  Nope, I get a “You have NEVER told me that” from my mother.

It’s unbelievable…

Our mother is also pissed we aren’t going to a baby shower of a cousin we never see nor hardly even know.  The only reason this cousin haphazardly invited us, through our mother, is so she can get more gifts.  It’s so blatantly obvious.  Our mother wants us to go and why does she? Well, I would assume it would be to “show us off” per say.  Especially me, who has lost all kinds of weight.  Now, apparently, I look good enough for her to brag about it.  With my mother, it’s all about how we look to others.  So sad really.

So, my sister calls me yesterday evening, after that harrowing conversation we all had saying “why do I need to go somewhere because SHE wants me to”? I simply tell her “Uh…sweetie…you don’t.  You are 30 years old.  You can do whatever the hell you want.  I’ve been telling you this for years now”.  She knows that she needs to let go of trying to please our mother, as I have done many years ago.  She also needs to come to terms that our mother will always hand out the guilt trips when she doesn’t get her way and my sister needs to learn to just push away.  Being close to our mother is something my sister has always reveled in, compared to me, who has always tried to steer clear from getting to attached to her.  But I’ve told her, there is a REASON I keep my distance.  She may just have to learn the hard way.

She’ll soon see the whole picture for what it really is and understand why I deal with our mother as little as possible.

And with all this stress, I didn’t realize that I was ripping my fingers to absolute shreds.  My cuticles, every single one of them, are not now doused in antibiotic ointment and have a bandaid wrapped around them.  It got so bad that I couldn’t feel the tips of my fingers anymore.  I really need to get a hold of this disease.

It’s finally time!

In a few hours, I finally go to pick up my cat.  I’m nervous as to what the final amount will be that I have to pay them before they will release him to me.  I’m hoping it’s not to much and I told them that if they needed to do more than what was quoted to me, to let me know.  The only extra thing I told them to do was clip his nails.

I just want my cat back.  The visit yesterday was a bit harrowing.  He was not calm and very nervous.  They brought him in actually attached to the IV pole this time.  So, I was nervous having him walking around and wanting to jump off the table, afraid that the IV would rip out of his little leg.  His eyes were still wide and scared looking and this time, he didn’t calm down when I tried to hold him close and kiss his head.  He just wanted to run away.  Of course, he doesn’t understand that we are trying to make him feel better.  He probably thinks he’s being tortured and that kills me.

To add the icing on this miserable cake of mine, I think all this stress as of late is getting to me.  I am feeling sickness coming on.  I was fine as of a few hours ago, then suddenly, my nose itches, my head hurts and my throat feels scratchy.  It came on so quickly that I’m wondering if it’s just allergies, which could very well be the case.  Regardless, I’m going to be sitting on my couch tonight, hugging my cat, watching the Dodgers play against the Cardinals in Game 1.

Go Dodgers!

He wears the Cone of Shame

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So, my Baby Kitty is sporting the most infamous Cone of Shame.

The Boy and I rushed down to the hospital to visit with him after I picked him up from school.  When they brought him in the room he had an IV needle in his leg.  Apparently, he had been in the middle of one of his fluid treatments so he had to be unhooked from the bag to be brought to us.  We brought him his mousy toy but he wasn’t interested.  He hated that cone around his head.  I was holding him and talking to him and he kept looking up towards my voice but couldn’t see me because the cone wouldn’t let him move his head.  His eyes were very wide, like he was still unsure as to what the heck was going on.  I just bent down and kissed his head like I normally do when we cuddle on the couch.  He seemed like he wanted to run though.  So, I wasn’t sure if he recognized us at all but I did notice that only when I bent down to kiss his head and whisper at him, was when he would calm down.

The nurse did say that the vomiting has stopped and they are easing him back into it eating.  We will be going back again tonight to visit and should be able to bring him home tomorrow evening (after I pay another $300 *sigh*).

keep-calm-and-smile-don-t-cryI feel like I’ve been walking around the past few days with a HUGE lump in my throat.  Almost, like I could just start crying at any given moment.  Composing this post was hard enough to do without wanting to scream.  I want to cry all the time.  I’m pathetic.

Last night, I finally went to bed around 12:30 and just cried, yet again.  I really need to get a hold of myself.  But I tell myself, at least I’m falling apart in privacy and not at my desk at work, or in front of The Boy or something like that. I’m still functioning fine at work and interact with others without falling apart.  I’m staying strong when The Boy is watching me.  I”m actually proud of how The Boy has handled this.  He is keeping it together nicely and just doesn’t like to see me get emotional.But when I’m alone, after The Boy has long gone to sleep, I become a heap of a blubbering mess.

Sometimes, I really curse my over dramatic emotional character.

I cried…

I’ve had a little bit of time to let this all sink in.  I swing from telling myself this really just sucks to telling myself “Good Lord, woman! Pull yourself together! It’s just a cat!”

Last night, I didn’t finally go to bed until way past midnight, but that has been the normal occurrence with me lately, even before this whole fiasco.  When I finally did go to bed, I opened my bedroom window, as is the habit because that is where he likes to stand, perched on his cat tree and staring out into the night.

I laughed at myself and turned to go to bed.  As I laid down, I patted the mattress. *pat..pat* as is the custom when I’m telling him I’m in bed now and he can jump up with me, but only if he wants.  Most of the time he never does.

Then I cried….I cried and cried.  I cried because I knew I finally could.  The Boy was asleep and wouldn’t see me.  That kid was actually pretty strong when we said goodnight to him last night and left him at the hospital.

But I cried and I thought things like  “that dumb cat…” and “it’s JUST A CAT!”

Maybe he is just a cat, but he is still flesh and blood.  I saw his xrays.  I saw his organs and bones.  That was actually pretty neat.  He has a functioning brain.  However, being flesh and blood means, he gets diseases and apparently kidney disease is pretty common.

Tonight, at 5:00 pm, I will rush out of work to go pick up The Boy then rush to the Hospital and visit with him.  The Boy wanted us to bring his toy mouse, which is sitting in my car right now.  Then it will be goodbye’s again and I repeat that for the next three days.

Photo from vet-pet-health-advice.com

The bright side is that Kidney Disease is treatable and he wasn’t given a death sentence.  He will need to take medications or I will probably have to give him at home fluid therapy, something I will have to learn how to do.  I’m also going to need to put him on a special diet, all of which will be explained to me better when I pick him up but I have done some reading on this and I am kind of aware of what I will have to do to treat him.

The grand total for yesterday, after the physical exam, the blood work, urine tests and after the 60% down for his 3 night hospital stay was about $650 I needed to pay up front.  When I pick him up Friday, I’ll need to pay the other 40%.  Luckily, for me, my step-grandmother would have nothing of it when she heard me telling my mother that I couldn’t do that and was just going to take whatever medications I could afford and bring him back home.  She told my mother to charge it on her Care Credit card and I’ll be paying her back in payments.  She also has an 8 year old orange tabby and is a huge cat lover.  She almost flipped her lid when I said I couldn’t get him hospitalized to get the IV fluids in him to hydrate him again.  Believe me…you do NOT want to have a little old Cuban woman scolding you in Spanish.  It can be very intimidating.  I took her offer.

So, I feel a bit guilty that I possibly couldn’t have afforded to keep him in the hospital to get his IV and that I had to borrow a large chunk of money to get him hospitalized but I’ll be paying her back and they know I’m good for it.  Fitting payments into my budget is a lot better for me than just shelling out almost $1000 for this whole thing, at once.

I wished that I could have a back up credit card or something for things like this.  I can’t afford to keep a savings because I live paycheck to paycheck and no company will even give me a credit card because I have 2 BK’s on my record.  So, I am a bit worried about whether I will be able to keep up with the cost of his medications.

But I’m going to try not to think about that.  I just want these next three days to go by quickly, mostly for The Boy’s sake.

I swear, I am going to be in a horrific state when that cat does die.  My kid held it together better yesterday than I did when we were saying goodbye to him.  I’m such an emotional freak of nature sometimes.

My cat has Kidney Disease

Last night, I had to leave my cat to spend three nights in the hospital.

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After the exam, xrays and blood work the doctor said that he was dehydrated because of the vomiting. He also has a slight bacterial infection in his mouth.  But more importantly, he also has chronic kidney disease.

He will get IV fluids in him and get antibiotics for the bacteria infection.  The Boy and I will visit him every day after I pick him up from school.  We’ll bring him home Friday with medications and food.

It was hard leaving the hospital without bringing him home, but I had to keep my composure for The Boy’s sake.  It was even harder sitting on my couch and not seeing him walking around anywhere.

I kept my composure until after I put The Boy to bed and got in the shower to wash this cruddy day off.  Then I cried.  I’m going to be a basket case when it’s that cat’s time to really go. And don’t even ask how much it was to have him in the hospital three nights with IV’s in him. Honestly, I didn’t really care about the cost.

So, he will be on medications and on a special diet for the rest of his life.  I also think I may invest in pet insurance, especially if I’m going to be paying for medications on a regular basis.

I’m better now but I know these will be the longest three days of my life.

Vet visit happens today…

Update:

Since I last posted, I called the first Vet that I had the Saturday appointment for to ask if I could just bring him in today.  The doctor that is usually there in the afternoon, isn’t there and she wanted me to come in tomorrow or keep my Saturday. This was AFTER I told her he was vomiting.

I went to an online search for another vet hospital…screw that!

I found another Animal Hospital that will take him this afternoon BECAUSE he’s vomiting.  I’m leaving work in an hour to take him there.

My co-worker, who used to work at a Vet Hospital, said that vomiting, especially in an animal that NEVER vomits, is never good and I should take him into the Vet E.R.

I’m a fucking wreck…

For the first time in almost 4 years, I’m worried about my furbaby

There is something wrong with him.  It’s been a gradual “something” over the past few months.

First, he was super finicky about his foods and I was bouncing back and forth trying to find what he liked.

Then, he straight out refused dry food of any kind, so I stuck to only wet food.

Then, he began losing weight, or so it seemed, I wasn’t sure.  His back end is super thin around his tailbone and hind legs and his stomach sinks in when he walks (it’s hard to describe).  He still eats but not a whole lot and he eats in sessions, meaning he eats small amounts over time.  That is hard for me because I’m at work during the day so I can’t keep refilling his food on an hourly basis and if the food stays on his plate to long, he refuses it.  This is a new problem.

I’ve also noticed, as of late, when he eats, he has a gag type reflex.  He’ll eat, then kind of open his mouth and heave like something is stuck somewhere and he’s trying to get it out.  Usually, he’s fine after a few seconds.

He also drools, a lot.  I thought that was normal but I was told by my cousins’ husband, who owns three Vet clinics in Orange County, that drooling is not normal and it could mean he’s nauseated.

Then, this morning, he threw up for the first time, ever.  I know he did hack a hairball about a year ago but that was all he’s ever done in the 3/12 years I’ve had him.  I fed him when I got up, like I normally do and he ate.  Then about 3 minutes later, he threw everything he had just ate back up.  I was just about to leave for work when he did this so I left a bit more on his plate just in case he wanted to eat more.

Now, I’m sitting here at work, just sickened with worry and wondering what I need to do.  I have a vet appointment for him on Saturday but now, I’m debating whether I should call the vet and ask if they can see him tonight.

Worse than this, I feel like I did something wrong.  I was bending over backwards to get him food he would eat and now I feel dumb thinking I read somewhere that drooling in cats is normal.  Maybe I read that about dogs?  But I feel riddled with guilt that I didn’t take care of him properly.  Or that I didn’t take him to the vet sooner.

I’m going to make some phone calls in a bit here, I might have to get my parents to take The Boy to hockey practice tonight.

What to do with the Cat!

In planning for this Christmas Montana trip, there was one aspect I totally forgot about!

My cat!  This isn’t a weekend/overnight trip! I’ll be gone for 7 nights!  So I am starting to look around for boarding facilities.  Then I realized,  I need to get his shots up to date or NO boarding facility will take him.

This is going to run into a lot of money but I would rather have him at a boarding facility that have someone come into my house just to feed him and clean his litter.  Although that is all he really needs to be done.  But then again, I wouldn’t want him to be alone for those 8 days.  He would think I abandoned him!

I found a boarding hospital that is $19.50 per night and that is the best rate I’ve seen yet.  Then again between now and then, I have to find the money to get his shots updated and a physical exam for him.

I may have to get a credit card soon and after being credit card free for almost 2 years, I’m apprehensive to doing that.  But it is what it is!

If anyone has suggestions, I’ll gladly take em!

My cat’s 4th of July included Fancy Feast

This morning, I realized I was down to the last can of cat food.  My cat REFUSES to eat dry food.  He also shows his disapproval with anger if any type of fish cat food (i.e salmon, tuna, trout, shrimp) is placed before him.  So, when he runs out of canned food and I try to give him dry, he protests by starving himself.

Cat food Shopping

So, my 4th of July morning included a trip to Ralph’s, with my paper coupons and eCoupons in hand, to buy him the cat food he will eat.  Yes, that is 30 cans of Fancy Feast and 10 cans of Sheba you see in that cart.

Snickers Enjoys

Then, he just scarfed it up, without even so much as a thank you or looking up to pose.

Then, he just walked around, licking his paws and I begged him for one photo of him and his full tummy.

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“*sigh* Fine. I guess because you finally fed me what I wanted, I will hold this horrible make-shift American Flag you made.  Did I mention it’s an terrible replica? You crazy human…”

“Yes, but it’s 4th of July….just stop complaining!”

“Hmmpff…I could always suffocate you with my body in your sleep you know….”

He’s just jealous because he won’t be seeing fireworks later tonight.

I don’t know…I think another episode of Cat Shaming might be in order.

That darn cat….I love him!

The List

A recent conversation got me to thinking about going over and cleaning up my List.

What is this List that I speak of?

As I posted in an entry about The Nothing taking me over, I have felt the bitter sting of loneliness and the foreboding it produces when there is just a lonely road to The Nothing ahead.

I thought to myself, “why am I on this road?”……I thought and thought…..

Then realized it was because of The List.

Yes, The List.  This is a mental list that I keep inside the recesses of my brain.  This List contains the personality traits and or characteristics that I do NOT like in a man and even sometimes in humans in general.

*Note: I somewhat intend this to be a sort of parody.  With that being said, if something below sounds really far fetched and just ridiculous, it probably is.  I’m being funny.  So, please do not assume I am a man hater, or a gold digger or anything like that.  I understand acceptions to the rule. I am not perfect myself and will never admit to being such.  I do not hate men.  Especially since men are the only way for me to have decent sex with something that doesn’t require batteries, even if that hasn’t happened in a long time and pay no never mind to the fact that the last time it did, I was so desperate that it was with a 300+lb man.  Not my most glorious moment….ANYWAY moving on!

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This List includes, but is not limited to (presented in no particular order):

1. You must have a job

Nope, not a job to pay for ME.  I have been working since I was 17 years old, sometimes 2 jobs while going to school full time.  I can earn my own money and pay my own bills.  I don’t need your money.  What I mean is I’m not going to be paying for any part of you.  Being that I am just a few years from 40 (damn it) I will assume that you will be as well, if not already over 40.  That means you should have a job at this point in your life.  I’m not looking for you to be a CEO of some big software company or the President of some stock market company.  Just a job that shows that you are not lazy and will work to contribute to society.

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Now, I understand the economy sucks and people lose jobs.  That is the “out” clause here but that does not imply that I will be paying for all things, all the time.   You are out of work, you look for it.

And don’t tell me “oh but I have been looking and there is nothing out there” while you are laying on the couch playing video games.  You will be addressing someone who has been laid off from 4 different jobs in the past since 2010.  I know how much the job search sucks.  But I made it through.  You’re whining will fall on deaf ears.

2.  You will have your own living arrangements

By this I mean, do not be living in your Mama’s basement where she cooks your meals and does your laundry.  I ain’t your Mama and I don’t want to be, EVER.  I already have a son I’m raising.  I am not interested in taking care of another man child. thCA1A9DI9

In accordance to this, you cannot be living in a back room of some friends’ house or on a friends’ couch.  When I mean living arrangements, it means you will have your own apartment, condo, and/or house.  And that does not mean in a friends’ house on his couch.

The reasoning behind this is to show that you have independence from Mommy and friends.  It shows responsibility.  Because you better believe me when I say that you are not going to be moving from your friends couch or your Mama’s basement to come live with me in my apartment I rent and pay for.  (Please refer to  #1).

2.1  Also have a car. I will not be required to drive you around everywhere like you were my teenage child.  Again, I am not your Mama and never want to be.

3. Be a Gentleman

This goes hand in hand with the requirement of not being an Asshole.  This does not mean you have to open doors for me all the time, even though at the beginning, it’s sweet, but it isn’t a forever requirement.

What this means is don’t be a jerk.  I’m sure you’ve been on this planet for a long time and know what a jerk is.  Don’t say rude things, respect other peoples’ feelings and have some sort of human decency inside you. thCAEKJHXG

For instance, if you see a family who is struggling emotionally because their son/father/brother just got killed overseas, do NOT say “They knew what they were signing up for. They need to deal with it”.  That is an asshole, insensitive thing to say and is a sign of Assholery and will get you booted out and kicked to the curb quicker than flies to dog poop.

If I wanted an Asshole, I can just give my ex-husband a call.  And no, I am not the bitter ex-wife.  He is a certified Asshole.  I wasn’t the only one who saw it.  Also, I can’t call someone who abandons their son when he is a year old and never looks back nor communicates with him ever, anything but an Asshole.

4. Live a healthy lifestyle

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Thank you Entertainment Magazine…..

Ok let me explain.  I do not expect you to be someone who looks like the werewolves from True Blood (one of which is pictured to the right.  Ladies, you are welcome, enjoy).  Unless, maybe, I looked like the female wolves in that show (I will NOT be posting a photo of them, it makes me sick).  Google it and I can tell you, I do not look like them.

However, I am in the process of losing weight, getting in a better shape and just being healthy.  I expect the same from you.  This also includes, no drug use, no alcohol abuse (Notice I said ABUSE, not usage.  I partake of the liquor every once in a while but I don’t abuse it.), no eating Fast Food like it is a new food group.  Once in a while is fine, but it is not meant for every day consumption.  Your arteries are crying out in agony and I’m not taking care of you when diabetes renders you immobile.

Again, it’s about HEALTH not LOOKS.  To some,  I may not be anything to look at and that’s fine but I try to be healthy and I am trying to get to a healthy weight.  And please don’t try and tell me that being 300 lbs is healthy.  Uh, it isn’t.

5. Do NOT withhold physical contact

If I want a hug you better damned well give it.  If I want a kiss you better damned well give it.  If I want to just hold your hand during a movie, don’t flinch and pull away like I have leprosy.  You are with me, which leads me to believe that you at the very least like me, which leads me to believe that you like touching me.  So show it.  Also, if I want sex, you better damned well deliver.

 *note* the latter is mentioned because my ex-husband, during our marriage, never wanted sex or any intimacy, period.  It was debilitating to my soul and I will not have my inner spirit crushed (yet again) by someone who does not like intimacy.

6. No mind games or abuse of ANY kind

This is a No Exception rule.  There will be no lying, cheating, hitting or mental abuse ever.  Sure, there will be arguments and even fights over things but the moment it escalates into a physical altercation, ugly things being said and/or cheating, it’s over.  No Exceptions.

6.1. Please note that this rule applies to myself as well and I will hold myself accountable to follow it.

7. No Atheists allowed

thCADU0X0JThis one might need explaining.  I’m not saying you have to go on Bible Beating rampages with me ( because I don’t do that) or that we have to model our lives like The Duggars (uh…no way).  I’m simply saying that you respect and give God the praise He is due.  I certainly didn’t get through the trials and tribulations I have in my past alone.  God was with me and I believe that and you can’t change my mind about that.  So don’t try.

You may ask, Will I try to beat you down with the Word of Jesus?  Uh no, I most assuredly won’t.  If you don’t believe that is between you and God.  But respect that I do and that is how I live and that if you don’t believe, it would probably not work out.

If I wanted and Atheist, I could just go back to my ex-husband.

8. I like cats

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Plain and simple. I know some people have severe allergies and I understand that cat dander can be very dangerous to their health.  However, that is not the case for me.  I love my cat, I always will (even if I do Cat Shame him every once in a while) and when he is gone I will get another.  I may get more before he is gone, but there will never be a discussion regarding negotiations about getting rid of my cat or denying my love for them.  I have already been through it with my own family and put down, ridiculed and made fun of for my love of cats (they are cat hating people who claim allergies as the reason).  I fought that battle and do not intend to fight it again.  I also like dogs (not more than cats though), preferably small ones such as Dachshunds and Beagles but NEVER Chihuahuas.

9. My family means a lot to me

Don't forget to wield your vorpal blade regularly!

Don’t forget to sharpen your Vorpal Blade regularly!

You may hear me rant about my Mother and rightly so.  However, regardless of how I do or do not get along with her or any other member of my family, you will never put them down or talk bad against them.  That is my job and by my job I mean, I’m just venting.

I love my family even if I loathe them sometimes.  They made me who I am, which is the person you are with.

10. Accept that my son comes first, always

This is pretty self explanatory.  As long as he is a minor and I am his primary caregiver, he will come first over any other human being.  This may possibly even spill over into the years after he is 18 since being a parent is not something that stops when said child becomes of age.  You probably have children of your own, so more than likely, you understand what I mean.

Furthermore, if you choose to ignore this point and there is any evidence that you are mistreating that which is most important to me, even if all other preceding points are met, this whole list and the whole relationship becomes null and void and you will be watching me as I slam the door in your face and calling the local Home Depot for the prices of their door locks.  If you happened to be able to get to the door slamming part without me ripping you to shreds, consider yourself lucky and move on.

Depending on how much of a Mother Bear I turn into, the local authorities might be informed as well.

Mother Bear

This List may grow as many times as I see fit.

If you have your own list that you would like to share, by all means, please do so.  And if I don’t fit up to your Lists’ standards, I have no problem moving on.  I wouldn’t want to waste your time anymore than I would want to waste my own.

However, if you are too shallow to get past the fact that I don’t look like Mila Kunis, then we won’t even get past The List.

There, that should eliminate pretty much the whole populace.

Any Qvestions?

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/Parody done

Cat Shaming

I would like to introduce a new segment in my blog. This little ditty will be named Cat Shaming.

Cat Shaming is just about the same as Dog Shaming.  However, the difference is, it will be centered around a cat not a dog. Very simple.

I will start with my first shaming featuring Snickers the Cat Not the Candy

But I still love the little Bugger!

 

I was surrounded by small people and furry animals

Well, actually only one of each in those categories.

I have been having trouble sleeping lately. I finally nodded off last night around 1:30 a.m. and for me…to get less than 8 hours of sleep a night pretty much sends me into the depths of an abyss of hell that no one ever wants to go to.

I.need.sleep.

I was sleeping pretty hard after I did fall asleep. So hard that I did not notice that The Boy had climbed into my bed due to a bad dream. When I did realize that he was there, it was 30 minutes before my alarm was to go off.  I go to flip over and there is a small human there.

Hmmm…ok,” I tell myself. I will flip over to the other side….uh…nope. There is a small furry animal known as a CAT laying on my other side.

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I was surrounded and having three bodies, feline or human, on my small full sized bed was not a combination made for being comfortable.

Luckily, I needed to get up anyway.   It didn’t matter that it was 30 minutes before my alarm was to go off. What is 30 minutes of more sleep….uh huh.

The moving…is done! (and a shameless plug)

As of yesterday, I am moved completely out of my old apartment and fully into the new one.

The break down of this move, from the time I decided it, until now, was one of the most trying things I’ve done yet, as a single mother and pretty much on my own. After realizing that I was going to be pretty much on my own, I decided to just throw myself into it.

Saturday involved my cousin and his friend helping with the big items (dining table, hutch, two bed frames, two desks and a dresser) and wow did they come through! I’m very proud of them and wished I could have given them more money.

They did most of this themselves because I had a Verizon tech in the apartment and had to stay in there with him so I was unpacking just to keep busy. But I didn’t intend on being out of the moving process at all.

I sold my sofa the day before the move and just in time because I really didn’t want that ugly sofa anymore and I didn’t want them to have to move it. I’m buying a new one today.

My parents and sister did come over that day to help, I will admit this. However, my sister helped by taking The Boy for a hair cut not moving much of anything. I could have used her car for boxes when I moved almost 40 of them the Saturday before BUT, I’m used to this kind of thing.

Saturday night, after all moving was done, I had fully intended on showering and passing out, but just minutes before I was going to shower, I got a knock on the door. It was apartment maintenance saying there was a leak in the building and all water was being shut off. My shower would not happen.

I passed out.

Sunday, was shower first, then unpacking and getting food in the fridge. Done and done and done!

So now, I am in an upstairs unit. I have a large balcony where my patio furniture is going and where The Boy claims he will be eating all his dinners from here on out. We are down to one bathroom which he doesn’t like because now we have to share. And the bathroom itself is kind of really small.

My room shrunk a lot as well. I barely fit my full bed and desk in there. Before, I could fit the full bed and desk, side by side. Not now. And I HATE that the closet doors have mirrors. Great…so that when I get up first thing in the morning and I’m groggy and look over and see something staring back at me, I can have a nice “Good Morning” heart attack each morning until I realize its just my reflection. I look forward to that.

I believe I got a slightly bigger kitchen, or its an optical illusion because there is no bar blocking the view of kitchen and living room. But the dining room back wall shrunk.

And I finally have a dryer that dries. The other one would take 3 cycles to dry anything and that made for very long nights up waiting for laundry to dry.

I’ve also met alot of the neighbors. The people seem to be more friendly on this side of the apartment complex. Its a pretty big apartment community. There is a single mother below me with a boy just the same age as my boy. I met a woman with a barking chihuahua across the way from me. And I also met a woman and daughter who lives on the other side of the wall behind my kitchen.

The cat is still adjusting. He was a bit rattle from the new settings. Even though, the apartment looks JUST like the old one, minus a bathroom. But I’m sure to him it smells different. But he was acting a bit weird y esterday. Like hiding behind the fridge and meowing….I didn’t know where he was but I heard him. It was like he was in the 5th dimension or something….That one wierded me out a bit

5th Dimension Kitteh

He has found his perches up on the window sills and I believe he is enjoying being high up, where he can see it all. Also, he has not tried to escape by opening the screen door at all. Maybe its because he realizes there is no escape if he does get it open and gets out. Unless he wants to fall 15 to the ground. And as I told The Boy, if he is willing to do that, then he really hates us and we should all just move on. But I’m glad to report, he has not tried to escape and doesn’t hate us.

I was just happy to have had my internet and cable up and running (thanks Verizon tech who came out on Saturday to install it because I couldn’t install it all myself, because the apartment apparently rips out ALL cords from the boxes and walls and leave nothing for the next tenant to use). That means I was able to lay in my bed and watch Game of Thrones last night. VERY good episode BTW…..(last scene had me going “OH MY GOD ACK!)

And yes, Eeyore did help me move. In his own little way…..I  hope to get out to Disneyland on Friday night, to check out the Iron Man Exhibit.

Lastly, I would also suggest to any of  you who have small children or just read children’s books or just tell your friends and family and local libraries, to check out this children’s book at Amazon.com . This kids’ book was illustrated and written by two of my very talented relatives. They are very excited to have the book, just a few days ago, go live on Amazon.com. Thanks!

This is what happens…when The Boy takes my Canon

I sleep in on weekends. At least I try to.

Sometimes, when I’m still sleeping, The Boy will take my Canon SLR and this, is the result:

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I’m assuming since Orange Domo was assaulting Pink Domo with the scissors in the end, I think the Orange Domo won.

The following pictures have lead me to believe my cat really favors the other male in the family. I can not get this cat to sit still or pose for me at all when I’m photographing him. Or maybe my kid IS better than me at photography! Ha!

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A cat on the window sill….

Seeing Double?

My cat is becoming my best friend. I don’t know if that makes me look good or just pathetic but I don’t care. I love him so much.

Here he is, enduring my Canon in his face, yet again. I can’t help it! He’s such a good subject.

I love getting shots of his reflection in a mirror. It’s like I have two of him and double the fur and love!

Some thoughts on my fur baby….

Close Up

I feel that I really have TWO children, a human one and a fur baby.

On Wednesday night, I had to leave my fur baby at my parents house, in a room. They have a pretty big 5 bedroom house and I had to shut him in one room with some toys, his litter and food, so that he didn’t wander the whole house because my mother really doesn’t like cats, and that is an understatement.

Neither the boy nor I slept well that night knowing that fur baby was not with us.

Thursday night, we went to pick him up and the cuddling and hugs commenced. I love that cat.

Last night, he was back in his place, at the foot of my bed, right on top of my clean laundry *giggles*

Growing up, I’ve never had a cat. We had dogs, many dogs. Hmmm these are the ones I can remember in the order we had them.

  • Duke the Great Dane
  • Pepper the mutt mix
  • Cotton Candy the fluffy terrier
  • A white one, I don’t remember the name or breed but I remember it looking like a Collie
  • Rocky the Boxer
  • Petey the Dachsund/Chihuahua mix (he liked to run away a lot)
  • Then we had Bailey the Dachsund which was around while the boy was a baby
  • And my sister’s fur baby, my fur Nephew, Castle

NEVER did I have one cat. They were not allowed. They, in my mothers eyes, are just as these cats are portrayed in Lady and Tramp.

“We are Siamese…if you Please…”

Oh…the dogs are the victims and the cats are the mean nasty conniving  felines right? Meh..

I had two cats in my marriage. One a female Abyssinian/Siamese mix. The other was a Male Abyssinian. I lost those in the divorce because I moved in with my parents (refer to the hatred of cats above), no cats allowed. I never saw those cats again. Makes me sad to this day. I eventually found out that my ex-husband sold them for $50 to some vet chick he knew. We bought those cats for about $700 combined.

But I thought about this and realized, as much as those cats were wonderful, I should not have bought from a breeder.

I was stuck in a cat hating house for 7 years until Spring of 2011 when God threw me into a situation that FORCED me to have to find my own apartment to get into a better school district for the boy. A month after I moved into my apartment, I was in the local Pet Smart and we were looking at the cats in their cages. I turn around and the boy is gingerly petting the soft  and furry underbelly of our current fur baby. I adopted him that day and we’ve loved him ever since. Oh he gets me mad (drinking from toilet and scratching my couch) but for the most part, the cuddling and meows I love.

Hence, I realized I do not ever want to be in my home without ALL my children with me, fur or human.

Nope.

OH and P.S. I love me some dogs to! Don’t get me wrong. I like all animals really. I mean I just got back from SeaWorld and can’t wait to go back!

“We have a great little family….”

So…I’m going to Tarantino this post.

What caused my son to say: “We have a great little family”?

Let’s go back….Let’s go back….

So I’ve been super stressed the past few weeks and its been building up. Yesterday, was some of the icing on the cake. I say some because I’m sure more overwhelming events will be in the near future, until I reach the middle of April when all this dust will have settled and I’m preparing or already fully engulfed in, my next raging battle.

Yesterday, I was finding out that this move from one unit in my apartment complex to another is coming out to be pretty darned expensive. But I should be able to squeak by, barely, hopefully.

So last night, looking around my moving box filled house and the mess my kitchen is with all my dishes, tupperware and glasses waiting to be packed, all over the counter, and I realize, I do not want to cook anything tonight.

“Son, wrap up the cat and let’s go to Sonic”

That is what I said and that means we are taking the cat for a joy ride

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Or just going to Sonic and grabbing a bite while he meows in the back because he thinks I’m going to throw him out the sun roof.

I also got some errands done like dropping 2 boxes and two bags off at the Goodwill. The whole time having a meowing cat in the car while the boy tries to pet him calmly.

After errands, we pull up to the Sonic. We place our order, get it and eat…while the cat stares at us from the middle console between me and the boy.

That is when the boy says: “We have a great little family?”

Why yes, yes I guess we do. It was at that moment, for about 2.5 seconds I realized, I had no overwhelming worries, I had no financial problems or loneliness problems….I had a “great little family?”

In that aspect….I win!

BOOM!!! Ok…enough to see here..back to the reality that is work, financial stress, moving which is causing the financial stress as of late, and the frustrations of the California School Systems….

Cats, relationships and why relationships can’t be like cats

I actually have a blank mind today. I guess I could write about how pissed I was because my cat pooped in my closet..ON my shoes. But it was my fault. I guess I had inadvertently closed the door to my bed room , therefore locking him in and not allowing him  his litter. What else was the poor animal gonna do. So I blame myself. But man does that stuff stink. But I love my S. (the cat).

I guess I should elaborate my short terms for things. The boy is my child, S. is my cat, E. is my sister and the woman is my mother.  Or more like..the woman who bore me and then proceeded to make sure I succeed in nothing. But I’m trying to stray from harsh feelings about all that. I have no real friends so you will never hear of any of those. And I’m not exaggerating about that. I do not have a single friend. I have co-workers, a few online contacts but no friends. I am not married so I don’t have a spouse to talk with. I’m not in an adult relationship period. It’s just my child and I. I have mixed feelings about that. I mean, my stuff is mine, my money is mine, my bills are mine, but I have no one to share anything with. I got out my sister but it isn’t the same.

The man I thought I loved and married only to have him confessed he never loved me, ever…he was it for me. Then when I pushed out his kid, he preferred not to have anything to do with him either. So he ran faster than a cat with it’s tail on fire (again..the cat reference. Gotta respect the title!)

Not only do I not believe a word any man says..I doubt just about every person that walks the face of this earth. I don’t wish to give up on love…in fact, I don’t. I give up on people. But sometimes I don’t. Remember..I ramble..deal.

And somewhere up in that big blue sky, God laughs at my lonliness. And I’m just supposed to believe “it all happens for a reason” yeah ok…I guess the reason is that God laughs in the skies at me? I have no clue and don’t mean to blaspheme the Lord…it’s just a mystery.

So my office is letting us go at 1 today instead of 4. I still won’t make it to my son’s 12:30 awards ceremony. The joys of being  single mother having to work..I pretty much feel like I’m missing out on everything that has to do with my son…fantastic….sarcasm.

I’m debating what to do over this long weekend. This is what I want to do. Tonight, eleTRONica to dance with the boy. Tomorrow, a trip to  Mount Baldy to hike, Sunday and early morning trip to open Disneyland, Monday rest.

Will that happen? Probably not because sometimes my life is not my own.