Seeing the future….it looks sad.

I’m coming to realize that my mother, has some SERIOUS mental issues.  Not schizophrenic or hearing voices.  She has some serious, beyond normal separation anxiety issues.  I have believed for years that she has Borderline Personality Disorder.

The most recent occurrence comes to mind. My son is 13, and will be going to a summer camp where I will be dropping him off in the morning and picking him up in the afternoon after work.  She will no long be doing that task which is what she’s been doing since about mid-March, dropped him off at school and picked him up from school.

I swear, the way she reacts to this, one would think that my son DIED.  She gets really upset when she realizes that we don’t need her all the time anymore.  Like I mentioned above, severe separation anxiety issues. When she a gets in this mode, she begins to throw around fals accusations.  She actually accused my son of saying he no longer wanted to be around him or my ailing father. I was shocked and was like “WHAT?” Turns out, when I actually got away from texting her (because through a text is the easiest way for her to lie and it’s her #1 source of communication when she doesn’t want me to force her to see the truth) and dialed her on the phone to get this info….surprise….surprise, the back peddling begins. No, he never said that.  That is just the way she feels.  That was a heavy accusation but I can expect nothing less from someone who is emotional unstable.  I never know what I’m walking into when I go to see her.

But I know that the looming gloom of the future days for her has got to be overwhelming.  Her “Golden Years” will not be filled with RV trips and 20 grand kids playing swings in her back yard.  Her days are going to be filled with loneliness and pain.  They will be filled with taking care of someone who used to be her soulmate and still is but no longer has the mind to communicate.

The pity I feel is for her, realizing this is her life, is what helps me get through her unstable moods and horrible words….for instance……

…..nothing like being told that I’m just WAITING for her and my beloved Dementia riddled father to die so I can live in their house and get an inheritance.  That one will never cease to sting, each time I think of it….

And that was just the most recent.  Being her daughter has meant a lifetime of put downs, and insults. As of now, little things are said daily, to me, about me, about my son.  How I’m failing in everything.  Over the years, those I really have learned to shake off, get up, say my goodbyes and state that we will try again another day.  But it never changes.  She just continues to spit out her venon in the form of insults, whether they are true or far fetched.

And never an apology….but OH God forbid my sister or I say anything remotely unkind to her…all hell breaks loose and she’s the properly placed victim.

But that is what makes me sad the most.  She has turned into someone that I only tolerate because she gave me life. Other than that, I offer no more of myself.  I just can’t get past her abrasive, cold attitude.  She doesn’t appreciate what my sister and I have done for her, helped her.  She is just wrapped up in her own world where it’s all about her, all the time. Anything else happens that doesn’t involve her (i.e. I take a small car trip with my son without her…..I get the “guilt trip, I’m stuck here alone with your father” act).

I wonder….I wonder if some day I can look at her and actually tell her how HARD she made it to even slightly love her.

But what I wonder most….is would she even care.

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Happy Birth…aw shut the f*&% up!

54174145Today is my birthday but really, I could care less.  Later today, I will be forced to stand in front of a cake while my co-workers sing Happy Birthday.  I want to do what I have done at all my other jobs and that is completely skip this day, as far as cake and singing goes.  But these people won’t allow that.  I’m not mad really.  I just wished this day would go by without recognition.  For the most part it does. I don’t have my birthday set on my Facebook so I don’t get those millions of “happy birthday from the person who you don’t even know in real life!” on my Facebook feed.67017502

The truth is, I’ve never acknowledged this day since about 15 years ago because my whole  life I’ve never been acknowledged or noticed by anyone anyway.  As of lately, I can’t even have a conversation with my mother and/or sister not just because I really only tolerate them and their constant negativity but because they really don’t allow others to speak in the conversation. It’s nothing but talking over everyone else and interrupting.  It becomes a narcissistic type of conversation where what THEY have to say is the only thing that matters.  It is actually quite rude and I’m sick of it.  So I sit there and just listen with tons to say but no way to jump in fast enough to say it.

And don’t think that just because my birthday is the same month as Christmas I get double the gifts.  That has never happened for the following reasons:

  1. I grew up in a cult that didn’t even celebrate Christmas and;
  2. When I was finally out of the cult and celebrated Christmas it was believed that a birthday gift AND a Christmas gift could be combined. Hence, I get 1 gift for the price of two occasions…..

imageYeah…a combination of cheap family and never getting noticed anyway.  So who really cares if I’m one year closer to my death.

I’m 40 by the way…just more lemon juice in the gaping hole that is my soul.

You are beautiful

No, maybe you are not.

Maybe there is just something so ugly about you that everyone around you is enjoying the company of others while you drown alone in a sea of black.

I was just told by my boss, who is going through a nasty divorce anhump-day-inspiration-100813-04d who is not even a year separated, has a girlfriend. He volunteered this information to me as it really isn’t my direct business but he’s a sharer.  This is a man 8 years older than me and just fresh from a divorce.

Apparently, I’m an Elephant Beast.

I left my job for the day in tears off to a weekend of loneliness.  It’s been 15 years almost to the day since my divorce and I haven’t even had so much as a glance from anyone of the opposite sex.  Just random hook ups which is not the same.  Even when I lost 70 lbs….I was nothing to anyone.

So why the title?

Well, it’s simple. That phrase is something I have never, nor will ever hear anyone tell me in my entire life.

Because I’m not as the title suggest. I’m just….The Nothing.

I don’t smile anymore…

I don’t smile anymore…not that I ever really did much of that in my lonely life.

There is no need.  There is nothing to smile about. Nothing to have hope for. I go to work, go home, deal with a kid who has the motivation of a soft boiled egg, play a wizard kiddie game on my computer, go to bed, rinse and repeat.  Nothing.

I’m getting old.  My body is failing me, slowly.  I can feel it.  It’s becoming harder to breathe, it’s becoming harder to move and with no adult human interaction in my life (and I mean that LITERALLY) or any laughter or joy of any kind, it’s becoming harder to just plain live through a day.

I gave up my whole life to be born to the woman I was born to and deal with her other daughter and I’m to tired for their loud drama.  I just want to tell them to shut up, I don’t care.

I gave up my adult life to raise a kid, by myself,while his father went to have a party.  And now said kid is turning out to be everything I can’t stand in a person.  He is like his father in so many way despite not even knowing him for a moment in his whole life.  He can be emotionless, caring for no one’s feelings.  Just dead inside to any drop of humanity.  It’s disgusting.

I fight back crying uncontrollably every waking moment of my existence and I’m ready for it to end.

And Life Goes On…and On…and SQUIRREL!

Yup…Squirrel.

It has been a year since my visit to Painville. I still have horrible memories and even nightmares of the pain.  I have heard of people with chronic pain of some kind but I do not think that I am one of those poeple who can do chronic pain without losing my mind completely.

Then, of course there was the Glitch in the weight loss Matrix.  Apparently, eating and what I put in my mouth at any given moment will be a constant trial for me. I have to become borderline obsessed with eating for every waking minute, hour and day of my life. I realized that I will live the rest of my life in an up and down rollercoaster regarding my weight.  As of now, I’m in a slight valley with weight. But I was riding high on a mountain a few weeks ago and I’ll get it back.  Since I can’t do strenous exercise anymore due to my back, I am stuck with only power walking as cardio exercise.  I carry weights during my walking but that is all..I’m afraid to do to much because of my weight.  Hence,  I need to eat practically nothing to balance out my slow metabolism with the fact Im not doing strenuous cardio.  I will always hate it.

There is, of course, so much more to write.  But I’m actually really lazy and have to think my words out very carefully so as not to sound to bitter, harsh or just plain bitchy about many aspects of my life and the people in them.

So more to come.

 

 

 

Lord Jesus give me the strength…

Today, during my lunch hour, as I was pumping gas into my car, a young man, about 19 or 20, maybe younger, walked up to me asking for 75 cents to get a bus ride to his Aunt’s house.  I asked him how he ended up in this city and why he couldn’t live with his Aunt.  He shook his head and said he was homeless.  I honestly thought this kid had to have been a teen.  He looked like a high schooler.

But I didn’t see a young stranger…I saw my son.  I thought to myself, “If something happened to me and there was NO one to take care of my son, I would not want my son to have to be reduced to pan-handling and I would hope someone would give him charity.”

I gave that kid all the cash I had in my wallet.

I just saw a small little boy in this kid.  A part of me wanted to give him my number and take him out to dinner!  I knew that wasn’t possible though because even though good people want to do good things, bad people will always prevail.  And I didn’t even know if this boy was telling me the truth at all.  For all I know, he could have turned around and took the cash I handed him to the liquor store.  As it was, he took my money, but he did say thank you as I told him “God Bless” and then he said thank you again, then ran off across the street.

06956-TrkyChdrSub-032414I came back to work, sat at my desk, and looked at the Lunchables that I had gone out of my way to buy at the Vons (where this gas station was) for my own Boy, because he likes Lunchables as a treat.  I stared at the Lunchables, with their Hershey’s Kisses, sub sandwich and Capri Sun and told myself that I am doing good for that kid and it is my job to make sure he knows it.  If there is one thing that I am trying to keep out of that boy, it is ungratefulness.

Because the Lord giveth…and…the Lord can taketh away.

I came back to my desk, at work, and prayed to God that I may have touched that poor boy’s life regardless if he took my money and went to a liquor store or if he truly did need to get to his Aunt’s house.  Even if it was only because I talked to him rather than shoo him off like I’m sure most have.  I can only hope that he was telling the truth and he was just trying to get a bus ride to his Aunt’s.  It is beyond me now.

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My heart aches for the pain and suffering in this world.  My heart aches for those who feel that it’s over.  This stems from the news of Robin Williams.  I’ve seen many a celebrity die in tragic ways during my lifetime but this one…this one hurt my heart.

The depth of depression is nothing that any human on this planet could fathom, even the person who is dealing with it.  It is a disease that warps our reality and rules our minds.  To personify it, I would think, in the worst cases that more than likely end in the person thinking death is the only way out, it makes their world look upside down.  Almost like Alice through the Looking Glass.  Everything is wrong, up is down and down is up.  That has got to be awful.  And the sadness. The overwhelming sadness.  I know that I have my bouts of depression but I find my way out.  I feel for those who can’t crawl out of the hole that depression digs.

As I’ve always said, it would be like being sucked into The Nothing, where the only thing left behind is the pain and sorrow of the darkness of….well, of there being NOTHING.

Out of all the tributes that every other celebrity made, I liked Jimmy Fallon’s the best and in the comedic way that Robin was all about…

Jimmy Fallon Tribute to Robin Williams

While only God can know what Mr. Williams was thinking during his last breath, I would like to hope that he is now making God laugh with his antics.

We are only on this earth for a short time, then we will all meet again under the righteousness of our Lord.

 

 

We are only here for a short time….

That is what I keep telling myself…’This is temporary…This is temporary”

It may seem that I left this blog by the wayside and perhaps I have.

In the weight department, I have been at a steady and maintained weight loss of 75lbs. Sometimes it goes up…then I bring it right back down. I am now conscious of when I start to gain a pound or two and make sure that it comes back down. As of right now…I’m up a bit but I will bring it right back down. I have been keeping exercise as a regular part of my routine at 3-4 times a week, 30 minutes on the elliptical or bike and weight lifting. I am pretty much carb free but sneak the occasional dinner roll or fry here and there. But 98% of my food choices do not include carbs in any form. I am going to finish up my last two weeks at the medical clinic and then I’m going to switch to another facility which is just around the corner from my office building and I can visit for my vitamin injections during my lunch hour.  I want to start fresh at a new place, from my current weight.  I still have about 30 pounds to lose although I may try and go as far as losing another 50 lbs bringing me down to about 120 lbs at 5 feet 4 inches height.  I started this journey May 4, 2013 and will never look back.  After a year, I will start fresh and these will be my new goals:

Height:  5 ft, 4 in
Current Weight:  178 lb  (give or take)
Healthy weight range:  117-146 lb
Current BMI:  31
Healthy BMI range:  20-25

MjAxMy1lYjAyZjhlYThkZWIyNGUwWork has not been so good.  I am currently dealing with a boss who yells, argues and screams at me, on the phone, or to anyone he’s talking to.  I’ve documented it with H.R. and that is all I can really do.  He also burps all the time, farts in front of me (his office constantly smells like butt) and I literally have to leave the area when he eats lunch because he’s SO loud with his chomping and slurping that it makes me physically ill.  I made the mistake once of walking into his office while he was eating lunch and let me just say, the spaghetti sauce was ALL over his mouth….all…over.  And by the way, this is a 58 year old man.  He is disgusting.  My solution, since I need a paycheck and can’t quit, is to completely shut down any interaction with him.  Basically, I avoid him at all costs.  Communication is mostly through emails.  It’s working out, for the most part.

But the worst was about 1 ½ months ago, when somehow, an un-authorized person snuck into the buildings and stole 3 wallets straight from purses sitting on cubicles.  My wallet was one of them.  I’m very disappointed in how my employer handled the situation.  But I have to put up with all of this because eating is not an option.  I will say it really takes its toll on me.  The stress is beginning to affect my stomach.  I’m pretty sure I have IBS but I need to go to my Dr. to get him to diagnose me but from what I’ve read, I’m sure that’s it.  On my own, I’m starting probiotics and cutting back on the coffee…(*sorta* teehee).  But my appetite and eating is pretty much null and void.  I have no desire for food as I used to over a year ago.  But that’s fine with me.

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My farm….

I have become mildly obsessed with Farmville 2: Country Escape.  Yes, yes I have. I’m farming and harvesting and creating yummy foods such as cakes, pies and fish that sometimes just playing the game brings my appetite back! It’s funny.  Anyway, look up cpamorain@gmail.com on Google Games and that would be me. It should be listed as one of my games that I’m getting achievements from.

Rejection-Investors-Startup--790x391I have officially given up on finding someone, a companion to walk with me and beside me for the rest of my life.  After putting myself out there for a bit…the rejection, even after becoming physically attractive (or so I thought the weight loss would help) is unbearable.  I was never one to react positively from rejection.Plain Jane

I’ve had a series of revelations. There was a time that I firmly believed that my over weight issue was what kept me unattractive and plain.  I have since come to find out, it was never the weight.  I will admit to being a “Plain Jane” and nothing that turns heads.  Hell, I’ll be lucky if I can get another human being to even acknowledge that I exist.  Beyond that, there is something about my personality that makes others turn away.  I am not all alone for no reason.  I should wear a sign that says “does not play well with others”.  The weight is gone and still, I’m a nobody.

I barely exist to anyone.  My son just sees me as a bank to make sure he has what he needs and a disciplinary who stops him from having “fun”.  Although I firmly believe that I am the coolest mom on the planet.   Just recently, he started becoming interested in Superman comics and we found a great Comic Book store near our apartment that I take him to (when he acts good) and I get him comics to his hearts desire.  Now tell me, how many mothers will get down on their hands and knees digging through boxes of back issues of Superman comics in a local comic book store, to find the right Superman comic for their 10 year old son.  We are not many, us cool moms.  I love it though.  I’ve always been a geek at heart.

Mario KartI also visited just about every McDonald’s in the area JUST to get The Boy his last Mario Kart toys from there.  They were the Happy Meal toys and he was only  missing three.  I found two out of the three he was missing.  I couldn’t find Donkey Kong.Beanie Babys

I will admit…I did get some of the Beanie Babies (the “Girl” toy) for myself…they were so cute!

But this all proves this theory: That kid…is my entire reason for existing…my entire…..reason.

My parents barely know I exist beyond giving them their most precious grandchild. I’m just waiting for my father’s impending progression of Alzheimer’s to finally kick in and he won’t know who I am, at all.  Until then, he just can’t talk.  But both my parents pretty much ignore me more now than they ever did.   My younger sister….*sigh*…her and I are just not on the same page about morals and standards in life and are having serious personality conflicts.  It really does break my heart but she is the most stubborn and unforgiving person I know.  She also needs to think before she speaks just as a common human courtesy.  I also think she resents me for my weight loss but that is just speculation.  She is going down the path of physical self sabotage and gaining SO much weight and I worry for her health.  She is pre-diabetic, has thyroid issues and back problems.  She really needs to lose about 100 lbs, for health reason alone!   I know that she holds some resentment towards me just by being in the same room with her because we’ve both been fat our whole lives.  This journey is a lifetime change and she is all about the “3-day cleanse” diets.  That doesn’t work for us.  It’s a lifetime thing.  My older sister, well I never had a real relationship with her as we didn’t grow up together.  I have no friends and barely know a handful of relatives.

liar_liar_pants_on_fireI tried the dating thing and it just didn’t work. There was always someone better than me or, as I’ve come to realize, most men, especially the so called “Christian” ones, are all liars.  The amount of liars and hypocrites I’ve run into in the approximately 8 months I’ve tried dating is outstanding and absolutely incredible.  Guys that say “I’m looking for a Christian woman, with standards and values……” then turn around and want to jump in the sack…uh…no….?  Or you get the ones who really like that I’m a sports fanatic and would rather go to a good baseball or hockey event than shop for shoes, then drop me like I have leprosy to pursue someone who, surprise…..surprise, is eye candy for them to hang off their arm.  Pathetic…. Men, are a lost cause, especially at this age.  I’m done with them and their lies, arrogance and hypocrisy.

And after that evaluation, I really will be brutally honest and admit that for me, death cannot come fast enough.

Now let me explain that statement.

The Bible tells us that Christians will be with Jesus the instant they die.

In 2 Corinthians 5:8 the Apostle Paul even longed for death because he knew it would take him into the presence of Jesus.  He said,  “We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord. “

In Luke 23:43 Jesus tells the thief dying on the cross, “Verily I say unto thee, Today shalt thou be with Me in Paradise.”

I just want to be with Jesus, where there is no pain, physical or mental or emotional.  This life is temporary and full of heartache and sorrow and sometimes, it’s a bit to much.  But I do not condone murder, so when I say that, I mean that getting older only carries for me regret that I didn’t live my younger years with more wisdom.  I sometimes feel I have nothing to teach my son yet, on the flip side, I have everything to teach him because of my mistakes that I learned from.  I know that he alone, is the only reason I exist on this planet.  Well him and the fear of the eternal consequences of murder (because, yes, suicide is murder and God gave us each our paths for a reason).

So please, no comments like “you need to seek counseling blah blah blah”.  I’m not going to off myself.  I just can’t wait to be in a happier place when this life walk is over.  The end of this physical life in this physical skin will be such a welcome to me.

thCAAVBAA6

I used to blame God for my loneliness and be petrified of dying, but I can’t feel that way anymore.  It was I who made my choices. The only “blame” that can go towards God is that He gave humans the ability to choose right from wrong.  He only shows us the paths and we must choose to walk the proper one.  I did not  with the choices I made, out of rebellion and spite and now I suffer the consequences by dealing with loneliness and the harsh reality that for however many more years I have on this planet, they will be utterly and totally, alone.

So, in essence, since my last posts in here of our wonderful day trip to Hearst Castle to my constant battle with loneliness, it hasn’t gotten much better.  There are good days and bad days.  There are days when my family really get on my last nerve and I’m done with them.  But for the most part, I spend most of my time with The Boy and just prepare myself for the day when he will jump on the bandwagon, and also reject me somewhere down the line.  Then I will be utterly and truly alone and my battle between living and being patience for God’s time for Him to call me to His Kingdom, will truly begin.

Or, it might not end up that way because I have also learned that I am not the one making the path.  I just follow what is right and how believe.  I will enjoy my son and teach him the best I can.  He starts school a week from Monday and will be entering the 5th grade.  I’m taking him to a Dodger game on Sunday as a “End of the Summer” last fun thing to do and a night at a fun restaurant in Pasadena where you throw your peanut shells on the floor.  I’ve already been to two Dodger games this summer, one with my sister and my kid and one with my sister, kid, and my parents and I think I just want to be with my kid now.  Sometimes, they are all to much for me to handle and my patience is pushed to it’s limits.

But I constantly do question one thing about my faith.  If Jesus died for us and forgave us, why do the sins of our past hurt us in our present?  I guess I should talk to a pastor about that but I try to figure things out on my own.

Fine….

*sigh*

I decided that my situation is what it is.

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I am home today because I dont have money to put gas in my car.....

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I'm mutilating friendship because I'm an attention whore....

I walked The Boy to school, dropped him off, then I kept walking for another hour around the neighborhood. I walked and walked. Then I realized, my legs felt like they were going to fall off and that I actually could have walked to the moon if I hadnt been jerked back into reality. I promptly returned back home and I’m now sitting here, drinking a smoothie, with a migraine developing wondering why I’m still here and wondering if The Nothing will ever just win.

“Laugh it up, Fuzzball…”

Apparently someone is laughing at me.

Maybe one of my multiple personalities is laughing at me.

All I know is that I was destined to be someones laughing stock.  I can’t help but think, it’s God.

I am sad today. I had to make the decision to not pursue a friendship with someone new.  My lot in life is to deal with my family, until death.  And I refuse to drag good people who deserve better, down with me.  I only encourage my son to run and run fast when he becomes of age…..run and RUN FAST!

I am sad.

So I work out.  I exercise and lift lots of weights.  I have no more hope or joy anymore but to keep losing weight.  It’s all I have control of.  Unless God decides to mess with that to, the one thing I still have control of in my life.

image

Yes, that is a machine I use and yes, that is 70 lbs of weights.  I’m lifting as much weight as I’ve lost.  That is truly interesting.

We can’t choose our family, of course but I will never understand why God thought I could handle mine.  Some days I want to rip throats out.

And I will never understand why God thinks I’ll develop a stonger walk in His path when the family He’s given me chases away any person I associate myself with.

Shit….now I’m getting fucking MAD!

Can I just get drunk now? K, thanks!

Has there ever been a time you were truly happy?

Happy_Cat614_answer_2_xlarge

My mother presented this question to me last night during a phone conversation and it actually got me to thinking about how I could truly and honestly answer that question.

I’m half way through my life and at this point I can honestly say, after taking some time to lay in bed and think about it, that I have never, ever been genuinely happy, ever.

Now, there were times I was content and maybe even close to happy.  However, looking back on those times, I realized the happiness was coming from a time in my life that was not true reality, more like a House of Cards that eventually all came crumbling down.  It was not real.

The one time I remember actually being content enough to borderline true happiness was the last three months I was pregnant, back in early 2004.  Weird, I know, to think the third trimester of a very LARGE pregnancy would make any women feel happy, but I was.  I had been taken off work by my doctor, due to a painful gallstone which eventually prompted the removal of my whole gallbladder years later.  During that time, I just watched my food intake and was able to keep the pain under control.

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My Abyssinian/Siamese mix I had back in 2004

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My Abyssinian baby boy back in 2004

Those days in the first three months of 2004 were peaceful, calm and quite serene.  I would get up, not rushed, not fatigued and cuddle with my cats, then maybe go eat something and walk around the mall a bit, or just sit at home and play a video game. I felt no urgency to be somewhere, no worry about paying bills.  Money was actually flowing in pretty good at that time because I was getting a disability check from my employer, using PTO time for being off work (so I was still getting a paycheck) and getting $1400 a month from AFLAC for disability.  So I was basically getting a paycheck and then some.  I was truly content and seemingly without a care in the world.

Thinking about it now, as I mentioned before, I was in a dream world, a world that wasn’t truly reality.  I remember reality hitting VERY hard after the baby was born.  The reality of a divorce, suddenly becoming a single mother and dealing with being a mother while living under my own mother’s roof (cliff notes version, a mother can’t be a mother while still living in their own mother’s house…impossible).

But to answer that initial question, have I ever been truly happy, the answer would be universally NO.  I’m constantly in a state of agitation and worry.  I’m constantly feeling pain of some sort, whether in my heart, through my emotions or actual physical pain.  Thankfully the latter is much less since my 67 lb weight loss however, the 67 lb weight loss just adds to the psychological obsession that I have to make sure I never gain the weight back again.  It also means the other forms of pain are only emphasized.

I know it is all me. I know we all create our own paths and our own happiness and I’m not saying that I have moments, and by moments, I mean literally, just seconds, of content-ness.  (yeah, I made that word up, deal)

For instance, each evening, when I’m done with cooking dinner, doing my workout, cleaning up the apartment a bit, making sure The Boy is bathed and teeth brushed, telling The Boy to bath and brush his teeth 5-10 times in a row, getting The Boy to bed, making sure I’M bathed and I’m actually sitting down on the couch with my tablet and my cat, ready to crumble into a short state of vegetation because I realize I have to go to bed to start the routine all over again, sometimes, in that short state of vegetation, I will have a moment of content.  The cat helps.  Pets are truly therapy.IMG_20131210_222227

I have never really strived to reach pure happiness because I really don’t think it exists.  I know some say being a parent brings happiness and I won’t deny that it does, sometimes, but sometimes, for me, the most being a parent and being a single parent has brought me is the realization that my sanity can be pushed just a little more each day to the brink of utter and massive detonation.

starsToday, I did reach 30 stars on my Starbucks Rewards Program.  Now, I’m officially a Starbucks Gold Member (as long as I keep purchasing Starbucks for the next 12 months and keep the stars coming).  In a way, that granted me a bit of joy.  I do enjoy my Starbucks Pike Blend (never the frothy foo-foo coffee drinks…just straight Pike for me!)

fav-broccoli-cheddar-soup-doublewide_desktopHappiness is different for each individual person.  I, personally, thought losing the most weight I’ve ever lost in my life and being able to actually see my ribs would make me happy.  SURPRISE SURPRISE!  I’m still miserable.  But hey, at least my feet don’t hurt any more and I can squeeze into size 8 skinny jeans!  But in return, I never get to enjoy a Bread Bowl filled with Broccoli and Cheese soup from Panera Bread, ever…ever again.

So, I wonder, if you sit and think about the initial question, “Have you ever been TRULY happy?”, first be honest with the part of the question that says “TRULY”.  Then try and tell me you’ve been there.  You’ll see things different when the rose-colored glasses are removed and you notice that everything is shit brown.

Blegh.

Oh look at that…I’m still alive…

I guess now would be as good a time as ever to write up the world’s longest update post.

The end of 2013 is proving to be full of twists and turns and even loop holes.  I will break it down into a few different sections, more to satisfy my OCD than anything else.  So without further adieu, the last few months of my existence, broken down into categories and in no particular order, (I warned you all about my OCD right?).

Divorce

There is never an easy or 1, 2, 3 type divorce.  Although I will admit, my divorce 10 years ago went as much in my favor as it could have, especially compared to other divorces.  However, I knew the day would come when I would have to dish out another chunk of money to get what I needed.  That day has come.

As of this week, I borrowed a nice chunk of money from my parents and I have put down a huge retainer to re-hire my previous divorce attorney to re-open my case from 2005.  The decision to do this was prompted because I realized that my ex-husband makes a lot more money now than he did back in 2005 and I make a lot less than I did back in 2005. child-support-image-624x499

My attorney, after roughly looking at our incomes, feels I should be getting double of the child support that I’m currently receiving.  The main thing going against my ex-husband is that he has 0% time with The Boy.  He hasn’t seen him in almost 9 years.  I am 100% full custodial parent, therefore, all expenses, on a 24/7 basis, come out of my pocket.

If all goes well, instead of $496 monthly child support I currently get, my attorney is going to see I get close to $1300 a month.

That amount is according to my yearly income and my ex-husband’s yearly income.  That number is not me wanting to clean my ex out….it is based on our incomes, nothing more.

That is how much MORE he makes than me, yet I have The Boy 100%.

Sounds friggin’ fair to me!!!

Money

Rose Smith: Money. I hate, loathe, despise and abominate money.

Mr. Alonzo Smith: You also spend it.

—Quoted from “Meet Me in St. Louis”

money22Money can prove to be another love/hate relationship that I have developed.  I hate that life in general depends on it.  For the past few months, I’ve been seriously living paycheck to paycheck, as I’m sure all of America is.  However, my last resort is moving back in with my parents and in all honestly, I would rather slit my wrists that do that again.  Nothing against them, we just cannot live together, it can’t happen.

I also hate that I don’t have enough money to enjoy life.  And don’t tell me “oh you can enjoy life without money”.  It’s a lie.  Sure I can go for a walk or take The Boy to a park but does it cost gas to drive anywhere? Yup.  And maybe the walk would cost nothing, until someone gets hungry or wants ice cream.

Then, don’t get me started on how I can’t keep food in my fridge at all.  Remember, I eat nothing.  Some nights, my dinner consists of a bowl of corn flakes or 2 hard boiled eggs.  That kid is eating me out of house and home and still demands more.

That is why I am taking my ex-husband back to court (see above).  I mean sure I could live in the ghetto and my kid could go to the worst school in the state but I’m going to try everything I can to keep off of welfare and keep out of the ghetto.  Call me a snob if you want but that is just how I was raised.  No free hand outs and all options must have been tried before it becomes dire straits.

It all keeps adding up though.  My car also needs about $1000 of work done and I have the warning lights popping up left and right.  I need all new tires as the ones I have are apparently balding.  I need new brakes and a couple of other things. But it all added up to well over $1000.

I’m hoping that I can squeeze as much out of my tax refund in February as I can to pay back my parents for the divorce attorney retainer and get my car fixed and then, that leads me to…

The Cat

As I posted back in October, my cat spent three nights in the hospital due to Kidney failure and dehydration.  They were able to get him into much better shape and I took him home.  Since then, I’ve gone out of my way every month to get his supply of Renal LP food directly from the vet and he has been doing fine.  I was told he might need about $600 of dental work done at a later date.IMG_20131210_222227

The past few days, he has been doing the gagging thing while he eats, again.  I believe it is due to his teeth.  I was hoping, being that he is 5 years old and half way through his life, I would be able to get through the next 5 or so years with no problems.  That is what I get for thinking.

There is no way I can afford another $600 of dental work and the two credit cards I have are already maxed out what with having to squeeze money from my ass to pay for my divorce attorney.  I am no longer getting approved for any more credit so I’m at my credit card cap.

I’m going to play it by ear and try and mush up his food as best as I can to get him to eat without gagging.  He also needs to learn not to scarf down his food, even though he is an animal, he can’t eat like one or he chokes.  I’m hoping just mushing his food and giving him little bits will help him eat slower.  But he is a stubborn cat….if he starts to associate the food with him gagging, he won’t go near it and he can’t, nor will he, eat any other store brand food.  The food I give him now is a vet prescription for his Renal failure.  He could go back to starving himself again.

I don’t even want to think about losing that cat…damn him…I love him so much.

Ugh..moving on…

Health

Meh, the end of November/beginning of December was tough.  I didn’t exercise much because of Thanksgiving cutting into my routine and of course Thanksgiving provided plenty of food to eat but I tried to steer clear of carbs and just eat turkey, lots of turkey.

Then the week after Thanksgiving, my lower back when out and I got the flu. I was out of work for 2 days last week.  I just need a really long deep tissue massage because the amount of stress and pain that is piercing my back and neck daily is almost enough to make me scream.  But how much does a massage cost? and oh..that’s right, I have NO husband to lightly rub my back for me so, a simple massage is in my dreams.  I’m still waking up with no strength in my lower back to even sit up.  I also believe alot of it is my sciatica because the twinging pain goes down both my legs pretty much all day.  I’m just living with it.

thSo day by day I endure the physical pain and just smile and nod so everyone thinks I’m holding it together when in essence, I just want to rip my spine out and pop it back into place.

But that takes me into….

Weight

375x321_lose_weight_fast_how_to_do_it_quickly_ref_guideAh, here is another part of my daily existence I have to constantly be thinking about.  I must monitor all that goes into my pie hole.  Actually, I don’t mind doing that and the My Fitness Pal app really helps out with monitoring food intake versus exercise output.  It is when I lack exercise that I start to feel my muscles that I’ve worked so hard on developing, start to deflate like a pierced balloon.

However, I have managed to maintain my weight and the total loss of 62 lbs.  I’ve gained nothing even though I haven’t been on the appetite suppressants for over a month and haven’t been to visit the clinic for the injections due to me needing to pay a balance to start up another 10 weeks of visits.  So in essence, I can do it on my own.  But I still have at least 30 more to lose before I get to the “on my own completely” point with only visits to the clinic for the vitamin injections and maintenance.  However, I just bought a size 8 pair of pants making me officially down 10 pants sizes since April, from a size 18 to the now size 8.

And guess what?  According to the BMI charts, I’m still in the “Obese” category so apparently a size 8 is obese.  The BMI charts can kiss my size 8 ass.

Dating

I broke down and paid for a membership on Christian Mingle.com  I haven’t been on there long enough to really establish my opinions about it but on the surface, it seems like there are a lot less crazies there than Match or any of those free places.  Those free sites are scary. Uh, yeah…I think my opinion is starting to become established.  So called “Christian”‘ men are just as much ass holes and jerks as any other man, if not worse.

I really just can’t move in a positive direction in the dating category.  I have a condition that doesn’t allow me to deal well with men who are sarcastic, egotistical and want only one thing.  Then throw in someone who thinks they are better than you in every way, and I’m done.

I have better things to do.

The Boy

One of my favorite movies

One of my favorite movies

I really can’t put my finger on what kind of relationship I have with The Boy.  There are parts of his personality that are coming out that I really do not like.  He argues way to friggin’ much.  He also gets way to moody and in a stinky attitude if he doesn’t get his way.  I’ve taken to just sending him to his room when he gets the pouting face and stinky attitude if he doesn’t get what he wants.  I don’t even want to see him.  Then, minutes later, he comes out all wanting hugs and cuddles and I’m like “really kid?”.  I’m telling you, he is bipolar.

Then again, he comes from me and I’m riding the roller coaster of emotions sometimes.  However, ungratefulness is something I won’t tolerate and I think I spoil him.  He is becoming greedier and greedier each Christmas and that just doesn’t sit well with me.  It reflects off of me and makes me look pretty bad.  But I have to remember, I am fighting more “Nature” than anything and he still has his father’s assholery genetics.  I spend a lot of my energy trying to erase genetics and that may be a losing battle.

But damn did I make a good looking human.  My kid is so handsome!

The Family

Ah, my family.  I find it truly interesting to love and despise someone, at the same time.  My mother, I just don’t know what to feel about her sometimes.  I think I need to just makes friends with the fact that it is just what it is.  She and my father took money out of my father’s retirement to give to me to retain my divorce attorney (see above) and if I hadn’t been given that money I wouldn’t have been able to move forward with changing my child support.  For that, I love them both.Funny-eCards-9

But sometimes, she just needs to learn to keep her mouth shut.  However, in her defense, we all kind of do.  I know I tend to have foot in mouth disease on occasion.

My sister, she is on the losing weight bandwagon now which is an even bigger motivation for me to stay at a weight below her.  She has also joined a medical clinic as I have and takes the appetite suppressants and tries to cut out carbs.  She has lost about 10 lbs so far.  I really hope that this is the breaking point for her as it has been for me.  I hope that she tells herself to never go back and sure, we may falter and eat one to many pieces of pizza but we get back on track.  She needs to get a hold of her body more than me because her weight really brings her down desperately and she really becomes very scary to be around and her depression becomes palpable.

We cancelled the Montana trip on Christmas week to visit my other sister.  It was going to be to expensive and time consuming and I really couldn’t take that much time off work but more importantly, there was NO way I was taking a 3 day/3 state driving trip with my mother, father and sister.  I would have run us off the road just to end the anguish.

Depression

I have moments where I feel I have failed at just about every aspect of my life.  I failed at my marriage 10 years ago.  I failed at being able to support my child and myself financially because I’m living paycheck to paycheck and sometimes not even with enough in a paycheck.  I feel I’ve failed to work on myself so that I could attract a decent male to accompany me in this journey of life.  I really think there is just something wrong with me which is why I don’t have a man.  It’s not my weight because I don’t have that issue anymore.  I thought I was just plain ugly which could still be the case but maybe, I just have a rotten personality, which is why I attract absolutely no one which explains why I don’t have a husband or friends.  Or it could be that men are jerks (see Dating section above).thCAROPVN4

I’m not confirming that is the case, I’m just throwing out theories because I just don’t know but this is where the depression stems from.

I’m going to be brutally honest here but, sometimes, I get so lonely that if there was a sharp object or even gun around, I can say that I would not be writing this post at all…it would be over.  I think it comes to that point because of the type of person I am.  I crave affection and human touch.  I haven’t had an adult hug me, that wasn’t my parents or sisters, in the past 10 years.

DID YOU READ THAT…10 YEARS!  It’s like my soul is dying inside of this shell of flesh I walk around in.  But I don’t give in because I just keep thinking, “Who would take care of my son”.  I mean if something did happen to me, my sister would step forward and even though we disagree on a lot, there are aspects of raising children we do agree on and I can trust to her follow my footsteps.  But I wouldn’t be there.

Damn Satan and his invention of Depression.

But then I move onto…..

Things I’m looking forward to….

Christmas, although this year, I really haven’t been feeling the cheer of it all.  Mainly that is because of the lack of funds for all the big things The Boy wants but then I get annoyed at his greediness and selfishness sometimes.  But it could also be because I’m just plain alone.  I have no one to share any of the season with, other than The Boy but that is not the same.  I put up all my decorations all alone and I sit, each night, looking at my tree, all alone.  It all really just makes me so depressed.

However, I do love this season.  I love that it gets cold (even though, as I get older I realized the cold does a nasty number on my bones).  I love seeing all the decorations and lights go up on houses and driving at night to see them.

There are also some fantastic movies coming out.  Saving Mr. Banks is #1 on my must see list, along with The Hobbit and Madea’s Christmas.  I enjoyed Thor immensely and really like the whole storyline and the tie up with all the Avengers and Shield.  Yeah, I’m a nerd like that but I love it.

Olaf-In-Frozen-Movie-HD-WallpaperI also saw Frozen and actually really enjoyed it.  My favorite character was Olaf, the talking snowman who likes warm hugs and longs to spend a day warm in the sun on the beach…poor delusional snowman.  There was one scene where he had me laughing long after the scene was over.  I haven’t laughed like that in so long it felt good.  I loved him so much, the next day I went to the Disney outlet and got me an Olaf plushie of my own.  I give him warm hugs.

Foremost……God

Ah yes, that omnipresence that hovers over me telling me not to give into sin and temptation yet insists I endure day after day of temptaion and sin topped with lonely heart ache.  The Good Lord is also turning out to be another love/hate relationship with me.  I will never understand why He thinks my life of loneliness will ever prompt me to want to follow Him fully and purely, but on the other hand, I still do.tumblr_lqqtbpkVFB1qj065bo1_500

It’s also apparent that even though I’ve lost enough weight to be down 8 sizes He makes a point to show me that the weight wasn’t the problem.  The fact that I’m pretty much the plainest and to put it simply, ugliest person on the planet, keeps me from ever getting rid of my life of loneliness.  Of course, in all of this I’m using satire (so don’t start telling me I have some sort of self perception disorder) to get the point across but the point is, God wants me to be alone.

Thanks God.  Let’s just come to terms with the fact that You’ve pretty much left me to rot in a sea of loneliness and even though You’ve made sure to flaunt every single happy couple in front of me during this lonely holiday season, I will still follow You because it’s better to be lonely in this life of flesh than burning for eternity in the Lake of Fire.

Right???  *sigh*

Last but not least…

funny-birthday-ecards-15I found one thing that I do very well.  Getting old

On Dec 2nd I turned 37 years old.  Big Friggin’ Deal is what I say.  I am not growing old gracefully and hate that my youth is being wasted away in these lonely, terribly lonely years I have to look forward to.  So my birthday is just a reminder of the day that this lonely life of mine began.   I could care less about it.

I think that all just about covers it.

The Nothing….is winning

This will not be a fun happy post.  This will not recap all the wonderful things happening to me lately.  In fact, I would like to cover how my brain is slowly being taken over by The Nothing.

mx_040KeanuReevesFor those who have seen The Matrix, there is a scene, in the first film of that Trilogy, where Neo is hooked up and they are pulling him out of the Matrix and he begins to hallucinate that he is being covered with some sort of silver, metallic goo which slowly starts to cover his whole body

This is a perfect example of how The Nothing is slowly covering my soul.  I try to stay strong, be with God and believe He has a plan for me and my loneliness.  For the most part, I do believe He has a plan.  That plan is for me to be alone, to not have one friend (yes, I have not one single solitary friend) and He also plans for me to never find love.

On a daily basis, I do not enjoy this plan.  In fact, I give this plan the bird, because, even if I made mistakes in my past, I certainly am not deserving of this pain now.

So, let’s discuss pain.  I have found that heart ache, emotional and mental pain is so much worse than any physical pain I could ever feel.

I will now admit something which prompted me to make this blog private

On a daily basis, I have to stay away from sharp objects and garages where a car is left running and I’m sure you ALL understand what I mean.  Some days, I feel like any physical pain is better than this emotional torment that drags me the 7th level of hell.  On a daily basis, I want to just not exist anymore.

But then where would that leave my child?  The Boy who relies on me not being a bitch of a yelling mother to him.  It is enough that he has to occasionally deal with my outburst of mental instability.  Even though those occurrence are VERY few, they do happen.  Just last week, I lost it with him because I had told him, for the 5th time, to make his bed.  Where did I find him? In front of that damned TV.  I lost it.  The result was broken Chima Lego sets and everything on the floor and me yelling “Clean it UP!” before I stormed out of his room and slamming the door.

I did return to apologize, help him and explain WHY I had reached that point.  I’m done hearing myself nag.  However, I still felt he needed an explanation and an apology, something I never received in the almost daily occurrence of my own mother’s bipolar mental outbreaks (but now I understand why as she had 3 kids to deal with and one was not even hers) which usually included a lot more than just broken toys on the floor.  I’d be lucky if I walked away from those without a knot in my head or a bloody nose.  Of course, I had a mouth on me and that didn’t help.  But I digress…

I find it hard, lately, to find any hope in anything, to find any happiness in anything.  I have lost my smile, my laugh and I surely miss them.

I simply exist.  I go to work, pay my bills, feed my child, feed my cat and that is all.  I no longer eat (I do not exaggerate, I would say I get about 900 calories a day simply because food offers no joy anymore, neither in taste or anything) and wouldn’t have any food in the fridge if it weren’t for feeding a constantly hungry boychild.  I don’t sleep anymore, surviving on about 3-4 hours a night.

I’m tired of seeing the wicked of this world win…seeing people in relationships and using and/or abusing their significant others while I live a life of lonliness.  A life completely void of any human touch or affection.

It is this void that feeds The Nothing.  That void, which should be filled with love of another, is just a void and The Nothing ravishes this void with vigor.  It consumes me and makes me feel soul-less.

It will probably pass.  I will continue to go to work, feed my kid, do my exercise, pet my cat but I am a shell of a person just robotically swaying through the motions.

Inside, there just feels like nothing…

But hey, I did get a $25 AMC card for dressing up at work on Halloween. I get to see Thor this weekend…that is IF The Boy doesn’t complain because he doesn’t want to see it.

Vet visit happens today…

Update:

Since I last posted, I called the first Vet that I had the Saturday appointment for to ask if I could just bring him in today.  The doctor that is usually there in the afternoon, isn’t there and she wanted me to come in tomorrow or keep my Saturday. This was AFTER I told her he was vomiting.

I went to an online search for another vet hospital…screw that!

I found another Animal Hospital that will take him this afternoon BECAUSE he’s vomiting.  I’m leaving work in an hour to take him there.

My co-worker, who used to work at a Vet Hospital, said that vomiting, especially in an animal that NEVER vomits, is never good and I should take him into the Vet E.R.

I’m a fucking wreck…

“Oh, I thought I mentioned her…”

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Yes, yes it is….

The guy has a girlfriend.

He said it yesterday afternoon while we were in the parking lot to pick up the kids.  I had just invited him and his kids to dinner at Hometown Buffet stating I planned to be there just after picking up The Boy.

In regards to my invitation, which, by the way, was strictly to HIM and his 2 kids, as my text to him said “Would YOU and the kids like to join The Boy and I for dinner at Hometown Buffet?”………He responds with “S. isn’t around until 6:45“.

Who the fuck is S.??” is instantly what I THINK.  However, being that I can’t react that way and must stay cool, calm and collected, I ask, “Who is S.?

He says, “S. is my girlfriend. I thought I mentioned I had a girlfriend“.

Uh, NO motherfucker! You never mentioned a girlfriend!  What you DID mention was that you had an EX-girlfriend.  WTF!!!!!”, is what I THOUGHT, however, keeping in that cool, calm and collected mode, what I say is “Oh, okay“.  Apparently, S. is not the ex-girlfriend I remember him mentioning.

Little does he know, his number lasted no longer than 2 days in my phone and all interaction, even the parking lot meetings at the kid’s after care, will soon cease and desist.

MjAxMy1lNDNjZmUyYmEzNjFhZGZl_52322339627d7_rcI’m actually surprised at my initial reaction to this, even after having some time to let it sink in.  My heart didn’t sink to my stomach as it normally would have in the past.  I waited for that sinking feeling, it never came.  I actually laughed inside.  I laughed inside because he thought he could actually play this game with me.  He thought he could request my number, answer my “get to know you” questions and even ask some of his own and then just randomly say, “oh yeah, I have a girlfriend but HEY we can totally keep flirting with each other and get together with the kids and please keep inviting me places….I LOVE having my cake and eating it to!”

And please don’t anyone try and tell me he didn’t know what he was doing or he didn’t know I was interested….he knew, believe me, he knew.  I don’t really care whether he was being innocent, naive or just plain stupid.  He knew EXACTLY the game he was playing.  And the only reason the girlfriend probably even came up again was because she was probably due to be there pretty soon.  Can’t cover up someone who is standing right there!

He claims that this girlfriend information has come out in one of our conversations.  I would have remembered that because I would not have pursued him any further nor offered him the Motocross tickets.  Backed into a corner much there, Buddy?

So, I laid it out for him because I’m not one to tip toe around the fucking elephant in the room.

I said “Look, I don’t want to step on toes. If you have a girlfriend, I don’t want to make you, nor her, uncomfortable by inviting you places.”  This statement was actually totally true.  I, personally, don’t think that a man who is in a committed relationship should, in ANY way, be accepting event tickets from other women AND going with those woman to the event, without his girlfriend.  Call me old fashioned but I have no respect for that.

He replies, “She understands that I mostly have women friends. I have to flirt a lot in Renaissance Faire booth to sell my stuff.”  Yeah, if your girlfriend accepts this behavior of yours, as you claim, I wonder about her own respect for herself.

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Yeah buddy, you aren’t helping your cause much here. You may need a bigger shovel to continue digging your own grave there.

At that point, I just wanted to run in disgust.  He was one of THOSE men.  Blegh….

I excused myself with some excuse about needing to go eat and being hungry and said my goodbyes.  I turned to get in my car and a face looked at me that made this all sink in suddenly.

I saw my boy, sitting in the car, waiting.  He had been behind me and encouraging me about all this for the last few weeks.  He liked this guy but I think it’s only because he was just that, another guy.  He was disappointed and that is when I started to hurt, but hurt for my boy.

However, The Boy and I moved on.  We had a great dinner together and even had a few laughs over this whole debacle and I still waited for the sad, depression, feelings followed by hours of blubbering, about all this, to hit.  They never did.

Instead, after dinner, I went down to the gym and I pummeled the treadmill.  I ran like it meant each step would stomp his head in.  I talked with God, thanking Him for keeping me on my toes.  Ha ha, great test run, God.  Let’s move on now?

I didn’t cry, I didn’t even want to.  I just wanted to run and listen to my music….and run.  The only thing crying for me was my fat, because……..

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After my workout, I said to The Boy that it was time to get our Halloween lights up.  That is exactly what we did and they turned out pretty good!  This is the first year we are in an upstairs unit so the railing on the balcony is going to be put to good use.

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Halloween is here! (actual photo of my balcony)

And there you have it.  It was the saga of the man who thinks he can have his cake and flirt with it to.

Unbelievable, which is something I kept saying all throughout my Hometown Buffet dinner.  So much so, that The Boy and I started to make a joke out of it.  But as it states above, I’m not just a little piece of cake…I’m the whole damned buffet AND dessert line, Bitch!  And there is NO way I’m giving HIM a referral to my apartment complex….he had the actual nerve to ask for one.  Good Lord……

So yeah, thanks God, for showing me what I’m missing.  Now, moving on!
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I guess that’s what happens when I try to find my happiness…

I get shut down again.

What was I thinking I could actually do something for myself and be selfish enough to concentrate a little more on my health and body, enough to have lost 50 lbs.  How selfish of me!

How selfish of me to think I could actually TRY and find love or even a friend or two, being that I have no friends!

I’m just a selfish stupid idiot because I knew that something would pull me back in telling me “hey, you have NO right to be happy.  You must sacrifice every ounce of your happiness or finding it because…you have a kid to raise.

Today, I’m mad

Today, I do not want to be a mother.

After a teacher conference early this morning, I come to find out, The Boy is not doing as good as I thought.  I guess I’m just not as intuitive as I would hope to be.  He’s pretty much failing every class.  The teacher says that she thinks he can do the work and he isn’t being  purposefully or disrespectful.  He just loses concentration.

He is the human form of Doug and the dogs in Up.

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Could it be ADHD? Maybe.

Will I give him the drugs? NEVER!!

It is also a combination of he is just a silly clown and likes the attention.

However, I’ve tried everything I could.  I take away things but he is who he is.

The worst is that I have NO ONE to confide in about this. Not one person.  I tell my mother very little because, well that would come back and bite me in the ass later.  I tell my sister very little well because, she is tied up in her own life.

I’m not doing good at this very moment.

But here I am at work having to put a fake stupid smile on my face while the black loneliness is creeping in again and I have no one to talk to.  I just want to end this failure and hopelessness I feel. End it for good.

On top of that…this ovarian pain is wanting to make me scream for real.  I can’t even stand up straight.  It hurts all on my left side.  But do I get to go to the doctor to check it out? Nope…I have a FUCKING KID TO RAISE!  No one else will do it or help me.  I swear to God that someday, I’m just going to drop dead because I have other obligations to tend to other than helping myself.

I’m the person in a room full of people….screaming…and no one cares to hear me or help.

Oh and the guy?  He’s avoiding me…..or so it seems.

So fuck you life!

Hey! No Fair!!

The Daily Prompt today hit WAY to close to home.  So much so, that I felt obligated to write about it.

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Daily Prompt: No Fair

Tell us about something you think is terribly unfair — and explain how you would rectify it.

I guess I find it hard to actually utter the words “That is NO FAIR!” without sounding like a spoiled little 5 year old.  However, all the time there are situations that are just simply, not fair.

514_230x230_NoPeelI recently gave the proverbial finger to God regarding this unfairness and then became afraid I might be smite down with His vengeance.  I wasn’t.  Instead, I was presented with a possible positive answer from Him regarding my loneliness but upon further inspection, it’s just another dead end and once again, I’ve had the carrot dangled in front of me and I followed like a dumb donkey.

Just last night, after this realization that I’m a fool for trying, I actually spent the evening, during my workout, during my shower, grooming after my shower and while watching T.V., either uttering or thinking the words “It just isn’t fair” while I intermittedly cried.

I work DAMN hard to be able to house and take care of myself and my son, on my own, with little help from family and NO help from his father, my ex-husband, except some money monthly.  As of lately, I’ve been working DAMNED hard to get 50 lbs off my body and still losing!  I look much more appealing to the eyes now.  As superficial as that is, it is the truth.  I think, it’s not fair that I run my ASS off on a daily basis on a stupid treadmill, don’t eat any of the sweets I enjoyed before to be able to lose the most weight I’ve ever lost, only to be over looked, yet again, by ANY man’s eye, just as if I was fat all over again!  I had a prospect (the “carrot” I speak of above) but it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.  I thought it was, but I was fooling myself.  I was, once again, over looked.

According to all that is fair, I have nothing to offer anyone.  If that is true, then that is beyond sad.

When does it become MY turn to be happy?

When does it become MY turn to have love?

When does it become MY turn to enjoy myself?

The-Nothing-2In the end, it isn’t fair that my ex-husband, who left his only son and never looked back, gets to have multiple relationships while I stay single and probably, eventually, an old maid, while I put all my energy into raising HIS son and continuously put my own needs to the side.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my son more than anything on the earth but the loneliness……there are some moments it gets so bad I feel like walls of blackness are caving in on me, shutting me in and I can’t breathe and I think The Nothing is finally here to take me.

I mean WHAT THE HELL!

It just isn’t fair.

Fine! Then what would I do to make it fair?

I honestly don’t know.  I know life isn’t fair and that is just how it is.  It just seems that the unjust and wicked are getting the upper hand and maybe they are.  I just have to tell myself that I am the one who is the better person for sticking around, raising and loving my child, even if my ex-husband didn’t want to.  I have to tell myself I am the one who wins a few more moments of life with every pound I lose and not just to get a man to love me.

So, in essence what isn’t fair can also be seen as what I win by working hard and when I feel lonely at the end of the day because my life has lead me down a friendless and loveless road, I just have to remind myself that my goals are being accomplished.

Even if no one else cares.

Letter to God

DearGodCranberry

Dear God,

I will start out my letter to You with a question.

Why do You feel I don’t deserve love?

I believe, in my heart, that You exist.  That will never change.  Therefore, I come to You for the answer to this question.  I know that no other human on this planet can answer this, except maybe myself, which may be the answer in and of itself.  However, you know me better than I know myself.

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart”- Jeremiah 1:5

I refuse to believe that You are ignorant to the amount of pain this loneliness brings.

I know that I have trouble getting along with the mother You gave me.  You must see how I try very hard to understand her but I am human (as you have made me) and I do have a tolerance level.  I have accepted that You gave me this type of mother for a reason.  I see that reason as being to shape my own type of mothering.  So, in the bigger picture, it was a learning process.  I’ve learned now, can I just get a break from her pain now?

I understand that I have made many MANY mistakes and I have been the “Prodigal Son” many times over.  I stray only to come back to You admitting I am weak.  I am weak emotionally.  I am weak physically.  However, since You knew me before I was in the womb, You knew I would be an emotional and emotionally needy person who craved love.  You knew I would crave affection and touch.  You knew I would crave plain old love.  Yet, You have denied it from my life.

For a man named Job, in the Bible, You allow Satan to destroy him, a man who was just about the most faithful man to God that there was.  Satan was a kid in a candy store, being allowed to test one of God’s most faithful servants.Job-Bible-Story_6

All the tests caused Job to lose everything, his family, his riches, and even his health.  Why must everything be a test?  The story of Job is supposed ot teach us that just because one suffers, inside, with loneliness and an empty heart, does not mean one is  being punished for some sin.  That makes sense because I wonder, all the time, what truly horrible transgressions I’m committing other than just being a human full of flaws and having so much need for affection that the void of just that, makes me want to scream.  I constantly feel like I’m looking over my shoulder, so to speak, thinking “what have I done now to deserve this”.  It is feeding my guilty conscience with a vengeance.

I do not write this to You to whine or sound ungrateful, even though that is how it seems.  Upon reflecting on this topic and as I look around the populace, I notice that there are so many lonely humans out there.  Some have given up because they have had one to many interactions with those who do not care for love, only for personal satisfaction.  However, some are truly and honestly, just wanting to find love.  In this aspect, misery does not love company.  I do not feel solice seeing the lonely people all over the globe.  I feel even more sadness because this kind of emptiness is not an easy thing to bare.

I know that You see how lonely myself and so many others are.  I know that sometimes, you just have to turn Your face from it because it is mostly caused by choices we make.  I reach out as a last resort because I know that the choices I made in my past, brought me here.  However, the choices I’m making now, should not keep me down this path.  I always thought I was well deserved of the right path.alice-in-wonderland-mv03

I will not throw back in Your face the wonderful blessing that is my boy, my job, my health, even my cat!  I would never be so arrogant.  I just wonder, is that all that is left?  If so, when will I be able to smile again, to laugh again.  I miss laughing.  What am I missing because I know it is something I, alone, am missing or failing to comprehend.  Or maybe there is just something that You aren’t allowing me to see?

I still believe that you do give us what we can handle, and never more.  That is apparent in the fact that you allowed me to become a mother (something I can handle and outright needed to be) but not to become the mother of a female (something I don’t think I could handle).

Why would you think I couldn’t handle love?  Why do I feel you allow it for others but not myself?  What do I need to change? What am I supposed to learn in the void of loneliness?

I do not question your reasoning.  I just try to understand it.

Sincerely,
Your ever faithful yet sometimes flawed servant
Me

P.S.  Don’t worry, even though I don’t go to a church, I still feel strongly in following You.  I’m just sorry that all the churches are run by more flawed humans.  If You find one run by Jesus Himself, I’ll be first in line to join!  And I will continue to treat myself with kindness and be good to my body.

Are you happy?

I stayed home from work today.  There was a reason for it but mainly, I really just didn’t want to go.  I’m finding it hard to keep my composure and patience and I’m finding I’m having to just bite my tongue a lot.  Especially, now that I’ve been moved into a smaller work space, which feels like a form of a demotion to me.  My frustration from that stems from being basically told “tough but that office was meant for a paralegal and you are not one” but oddly enough, all I hear is “you are just not good enough to be in an office because the big bad paralegal who got a degree is better than you”

I just have to bite my lip, bend over and take it because, well, I need a job or I’m on the streets, begging for food and that isn’t an exaggeration.

I stayed home and spent the first hours of the morning in bed staring at this beautiful face.  I was just so exhausted, more emotional than physical.  I laid in bed, with my cat therapy and I thought.

I thought about an interesting phenomenon that has been going on in the whole course of my life for as long as I can remember.  I’ve been alive for 36 1/2 years and I can count only one 3 month period where I felt I was actually happy.

I was about 6 months pregnant, almost 10 years ago, and I had been taken off work due to slight complications.  I had just moved into a nice condo with my then husband and was under no stress.  I woke up whenever I wanted, I spent hours relaxing with my two cats Nikita and Dunpeel.  I had my child growing inside me.  I had no money worries because since I was on medical disability, Aflac paid me $1400 a month as well as my employer at the time paying me disability on top of still getting paid my regular paycheck because I was using paid time off.

Those three months are the only time I can remember where I didn’t feel heartbreak, sorrow, worries and the pressure of everything around me.

Never again, before or after, did I feel that kind of peace ever again.  I only have a whole of loneliness and emotional suffering ahead.

I want that moment back.

So, when I am asked “are you happy” I can answer “no”.

When I am asked “have you ever been happy”, I an answer “only 3 months in my entire 36 year existence”.

I just want to be free.

I feel like a hamster on a wheel

hamster-wheel

It’s just the same old thing, over and over.  I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to get excited about.  Well, I take some of that back.  I did get approved for a 8 day vacation at Christmas time, which includes 2 paid holidays.  I’m going with my sister to visit our other sister in Montana.  However, I still have that forboding feeling that something will try to ruin that and it will probably be my mother.

I have no money for food again today.  I spent the last I had on lunch items for The Boy.  He eats before me.  That is my basic rule when money is tight. So as of lately, there has been nothing left over after I feed him or get his lunch items, which I’ve had to get more of because, well he’s a growing boy.  So, some days, I starve.  I’m not going to die. I have enough fat to cover the lack of food.  It’s just more annoying.

I forgot to boil eggs last night so I have no hard boiled eggs for lunch today.  I’m going to survive today on a Greek yogurt and a cup of strawberries.   In all honesty, that is why I have been losing weight.  All my food expenses go to The Boy and I just get what is left over which is usually nothing.  It’s been a rough summer since I had to pay twice as much for summer camp in June and July and now, The Boy’s moving up to the Hockey clinic so I need to get his full gear which is turning out to run into the $500 range. Unbelievable.

I have -$30 in my account until next Wednesday.   Yes that is a “negative” sign you see in front of that number.  And I have no idea how I’m going to fill my tank with gas.  I may have to skip work and call in “don’t have enough money to get gas to get to work” one day until next Wednesday.  I already had to take back some clothes of The Boy’s that I allowed myself to be tricked into buying (believe me, I only blame myself).  I cried to The Boy on Monday after I picked him up from school telling him that I over spent and it was my fault and I would have to take some clothes back.  He put his hand on my shoulder and said, “it’s ok and look! I caught a lizard!”

God I love that kid so much!

Also, my Water/Sewer/Trash bill has gone up like 60%.  This is the bill that most apartment complexes pay for but not the one I’m in.  It’s my highest utility bill at $70 a month which is what it was last month.  I have a 755 sq ft apartment.  I have no idea how I can have that much for water/sewer/trash.  I know sewer and trash I can’t even control but I know I don’t use that much water.  When I asked about it I was basically told “sorry, that is what it is”.

I know I’m not going to be able to afford this apartment by my lease renewal next June.  Rent has gone up all three years I’ve been here and not by a couple of bucks.   I think $100 is the most I’ve seen it go up.

I’ll figure it out though.  It’s just so disheartening as I’m trying my best.  I almost lost it on Monday afternoon though.  I realized that I had not one more cent and I still had to pay rent and for this month’s hockey lesson.  On the drive home, my sister called because I asked her, my out of work sister, if she had $20 to cover some of hockey lessons.  I lost it.  It was another dark hole of The Nothing I was falling into at that moment and I wanted to die and be done with all this anguish and pain, just be done.

I breathed and moved on.  One of these days, I won’t get to the breathe and move on moment and just keep falling until I stop falling and the pain is done. *sigh*

warningcontains-200x200Deep in my heart though…I know it’s still black with hate because I know that the father of my child, who turned his back and left his son gets to prance around, bang whoever he wants and do whatever he wants while I have to worry about money, hockey gear (which if I don’t get soon I will never hear the end of the complaining from The Boy) and schooling.  As time goes on, I really do feel myself just hating that man and I will continue to do so, regardless if he’s the father of my child.

I don’t like having so much hate in my heart, but at least it’s geared towards one person that I rarely see or converse with ever.

This just in:  I’ve just been told that I will now be forced to move out of my office with the door and window into a stuffy cubicle in the small hallway.  Apparently, my office is for a paralegal, not legal secretary, which I am, something I’ve never been told in the last year and 2 months I’ve been here.

It just gets better and better.

Losing my fat granted me a “Depression” day

I’m not doing good today.  I don’t even want to type this.

Maybe, it is the come down from a great Disneyland/DCA visit yesterday.  We were able to ride lots of rides, despite only getting there around 4pm.  The Mad T Party and White Rabbit DJ were amazing, as always.  Nothing but love for DJ Jason Jass….I want to have a party JUST to hire him as my DJ!  And after I told him I’ve lost the 30 lbs with the help of his great mixes that I workout to, he shook my hand and said congrats.  Super nice guy.

So what in all holy HELL is wrong with me?

I’m FUCKING LONELY! DAMMIT!

This is utterly ridiculous.  I’m sure these feelings also stem from another huge argument with my mother on Thursday night which ended with her telling me to not bring The Boy to her the next day (Friday) so I could go to work, which led me to scrambling to make arrangements with his summer camp to take him for half day on Friday (thank GOD that they are understanding and did take him).  I’m not playing her game anymore, nor am I giving in to her hissy fits.  She wants to play the “I’m not going to watch The Boy so now you HAVE to take off work and probably get fired because you have to SOLELY rely on me” game.  It’s a common game for her and one of the reasons I lost a job back in 2007.  I couldn’t care LESS if she watched him on Mondays and Fridays during the summer or not.  In fact, I couldn’t care less about much of any of it really.  I told my sister as much yesterday, before dropping her off at the airport, to go visit our other sister.  I said that I don’t think that I will be involved much in possibly dealing with our memory loss father (who is getting severely worse day by day) and bipolar “just needs to shut her mouth” mother.  I’m pulling away even further than I ever have which may pull me right out of their radar completely.

However, it could also be that my younger sister is up in Montana visiting our older sister and, as usual, once – fucking – again, I’m being left out.  It’s not their fault and I’m not mad at them.  I just don’t have the money nor can I get the time off work for a trip to the middle of the country.  So now I get to look at all the fun photos of them on my sister’s FB page and I, as usual, get to be “outside looking in”.

Yeah, I think I need to go run or lift massive weights or something because I just blew up at my kid just because he asked for lunch.  Although, I don’t see why he can’t make his own fucking sandwich every once in a while.  Or even wash a fucking dish.  Some days I don’t want to be a parent.

I even wonder about losing 30 lbs.  On one side of the coin, it is great to feel lighter and faster and bouncier on my feet.  Yesterday, at Disneyland/DCA, not only was I walking through that place much faster and actually fitting into the ride seats and not having my inner tube shaped gut spilling over into the seat next to me, but in Toon Town, I was playing and climbing in the play area with my kid and I could keep up!  I didn’t get winded or out of breath or feel like my heart was going to explode!

th

Although, it’s not necessarily “boys”…I just feel that I will see that even thin, I’m depressed.

But, on the other side, now I know WHY I kept myself fat in the first place.  It was the reason and the excuse I had to explain my loneliness.  If I lose the “excuse”….then I will really wonder why I have not one friend, will never be in a relationship and maybe I’ll see that there really is something wrong with me that wasn’t just the fat.

So, in essence, I am petrified of being smaller.  It’s like the fat was a part of me.  It’s like I’m slowly losing my right arm!  Because 30 lbs is actually the most I’ve lost EVER, in all the times I’ve lost weight.

And why am I losing the weight in the first place?  To be healthier? Yes.  To live longer? Yes.  But to live longer in a life of utter dark loneliness where The Nothing is my only friend?

So to sum it up even more, I’m petrified to lose the weight and losing the weight, is depressing me.

Seriously, WTF! is wrong with me!

Yeah, I need to go run or I’m going to take a steak knife to my wrists…fuck.

K, running now…..thanks bye!

What would we be doing right now?

I remember what we were doing before we were 29.

  • You always had so many different friends that I always felt that I was sharing you with so many others, even if you were the only true friend I had.
  • You were usually telling me that I was a bit to blunt and outspoken for my own good and you would always do it in a way that put me in my place, without making me feel like a Class A Bag of Douche.
  • You would always pour me to much Rum and Coke and I would always push it away, until I just decided to just take the drink so you would stop pestering me to lighten up.
  • You helped me through my wedding and fights with my mother, even though you shared her feelings that I was marrying the absolutely wrong man.
  • You always had positive words and a bright smile………Always, up until we were 29.

What would we be doing now?

  • You would have been my shoulder to cry on when my divorce finally became reality because you always listened so patiently and without judgement.
  • You NEVER would have said “I told you so” after my marriage was officially done because you would have known that my family would have already said it enough.
  • You would have helped me with my child as much as you could.
  • You would have given me the advice and the strength to venture on my own and to be independent as a single mother.
  • You would have joined me on my adventures with my son, and smiled the whole time.
  • You would be here with me, in the present, to take me out for coffee or a stiff drink, when I needed a night off.

However, we will not be doing those things.  At 29, something else entered our lives.  At 29, Cancer claimed you and stole from me my Best Friend.

You were my only friend and I have never found your equal since, nor do I feel I ever will.

7 years ago, my life went from “what did we do then” to “what would we be doing right now”.

I miss you so much it hurts to the core of my being and I would give anything to have you back, sitting here, telling me that I’m a bit blunt and outspoken, then handing me a Rum and Coke.

rum and coke

The Nothing

As I sip my hot tea behind my desk, each time I swallow it feels like I’m swallowing razor blades and the pain makes me think about my current existence.

Let’s talk about suicide.

Now, before you all start dialing the 911, I’m not going to kill myself. I don’t believe in murder and yes, suicide is murder. However, I will say that to just not exist anymore is a very inviting notion even if it is pretty much the equivalent of being dead. To not exist means that one is in a state of no pain. Pain, that comes from the soul and not from the physical flesh is so very debilitating.

So, I can say that I completely understand why some people do consider this option, as sad as that is.

But that is not really where I’m going with this.

I believe I speak more of the suicide of one’s soul.  I would guess that someone whose soul has committed suicide would be more like a Zombie, except they don’t require feeding on flesh to survive. They just roam the earth, doing daily functions, yet have no enjoyment in much of anything.

What happens when one’s soul wants to jump off a bridge?  I believe this is something that a 1980’s movie brought into the light.

The Nothing.The Nothing is Coming

Atreyu: What is the Nothing?

G’mork: It’s the emptiness that’s left. It’s like a despair, destroying this world. And I have been trying to help it.

Atreyu: But why?

G’mork: Because people who have no hopes are easy to control. And whoever has control has the Power.

The Nothing is described as “the emptiness that is left”.  There is just a “nothing” type feeling.  I get up, I go to work, pay my bills, deal with my kid but The Nothing is still there, hovering over my soul making it feel heavy and listless.

My soul was once light, fluffy and had spirit. That is gone.

My soul would once laugh and dance. That is gone.

What is left is a hole void of any human compassion or any human touch. Void of laughter and vivacity. My soul feels like it is slowly just disappearing.  It feels like it is committing suicide.  It feels like….The Nothing.

Why is this?

As of this moment, I have not one single friend. Yes, you read that right, not one friend. I have people I talk to online, through Facebook or Twitter maybe but never that friend/s you call to go have dinner or drinks or see a movie. Not one. I do not exaggerate about that.

However, I do live my every moment around my son.  Anything I do, it’s with him.

My daily routine is:

Get up

Take the Boy to school

Spend 8 hours behind a desk in an office

Leave office to pick up The Boy from school

Come home and make dinner and do homework

Time for bed

Wash, rinse, repeat.

Being that his father turned his back on him 8 years ago and never looked back, I do this on my own, no “visitation weekends” off.  So my life is and probably always will, revolve around The Boy.

I would have to say this leads to a very lonely lifestyle.  I have no one to talk to.  I have no one who asks me how my day was.  I doubt that anyone even cares.

I sit, by myself, watching TV or on the computer.  For instance, I was alone when I reacted to the last Episode of Game of Thrones.  I found a video on YouTube which showed reactions from people while watching that episode and most of these people were in rooms filled with others, also watching it with them and reacting with them. I was alone.  No one to react with me.  No one to scream at the TV with me. (It was a VERY startling episode if you haven’t already heard.)

When I contemplate this existence, I wonder, how did I get to this point?  Mainly because I have developed a severe lack of trust in anyone male, female or alien (although I have yet to meet an alien and if I did, I probably wouldn’t trust them right away. I mean they ARE an alien).

After my divorce in 2005, I grew to not trust men nor their intentions after finding out that the man I married was pretty much a liar, a manipulator and an all around asshole with an alcohol problem to boot.  I still blame myself for not seeing it.  This blame upon myself led to my lack of trust in my own judgment of people, even if I was deceived.  After a few dates between then and now (I can count the dates on one hand and they don’t reach the 5 fingers that hand has), I grew to not trust men even more.

Even my own family (which is basically mother, father and sister) always seem to betray me in some way either with neglect, hurtful words or selfishness.

Then of course, there is the lack of any human decency in the human race, period.  The things I read and see on the news TV are enough to send me running to Hermitville, Population 1.

Humans are disappointing and my lack of trust in them did NOT just sit with men.

So, we have established, that 1) I’m lonely 2) I have no adult human interaction on a regular basis which leads to 3) hopelessness. The kind of hopelessness that even a strong faith in God can’t fix.  The kind of hopelessness that this dark and thundering monster called The Nothing thrives from.

The-Nothing-2

The road I travel is lonely and ends in The Nothing

How much I do long for my soul to be kick started like a dead car battery and talked down from the slippery ledge it is on. I loathe and despise the fact that I have never known love beyond my relatives, relatives who are obligated to love me and I them, simply because we share blood. What’s even worse, is realizing that I may never know that kind of love, ever.  I would be to afraid of more disappointment.

After being on this planet for the past 36 years, I used to fear death and its finality.

I have now come to realize, there can be a fate worse than death.

Loneliness and his minion, The Nothing.

I really had nothing to talk about…

This past week has actually been very rough.  I really didn’t have anything meaningful to write about all week.

I was going through yet another valley but it was like I just didn’t want to do anything and was forcing myself to just get up to take The Boy to school and work. Luckily, my job is mostly independent work at my desk so I don’t interact with a lot of people much, which is good.

I’m feeling a bit better though, especially since the weight keeps falling off and I really don’t feel deprived. I will admit, it is coming off slower than I remember it used to in the past. That might be because I’m older now or I’m not exercising as much but it’s still coming off. I could eventually turn this into a life time thing. I must resist bread and make better choices when eating out.  Earlier this week, my office when to The Cheesecake Factory for lunch and I ordered the mushroom burger but with no buns and instead asked for two pieces of lettuce. The waiter knew exactly what I was talking about and even called it by its proper name, Protein Style. Also, instead of the fries, I asked for the small green salad option. So this kind of eating is not uncommon amongst the masses. That gives me more room to relax and just enjoy eating out.

Tonight, it’s another Disneyland trip. We haven’t been there in a few weeks. Since I get off work early today, we can get a head start and have an extra hour this evening to see how much we can get done. These Friday night Disneyland trips are becoming sort of mini challenges. It turns into a “how many rides CAN we actually ride in a 3-4 hour period”.  Some nights, we can ride up to 4 major rides in the night. Some nights, we end up going to one park, determining it’s to crowded, head to the other park and just do Mad T Party and Ride Monster’s Inc. a few times. Either way, it’s still fun.

Nevermind that…it’s the most dreaded 24 hour event at Disneyland tonight. Blegh….I don’t like the super big crowds that these events can produce…..great…now to have to tell The Boy we aren’t going.

Tomorrow, I take The Boy down to Long Beach. I reserved a hotel room there through Hotels.com and we will swim in the pool or just play around in the room jumping on the beds while watching t.v.

Photos by A. Reitsma/Aquarium of the Pacific website

Photo by A. Reitsma/Aquarium of the Pacific

Sunday, it’s a trip to the Aquarium of the Pacific there in Long Beach. I haven’t taken The Boy there since he was about 3 years old. I saw them on the news this week advertising their Ocean Exploration exhibit. They were showing some glowing fish with bright white eyes that live in the dark. They were called Flashlight Fish. It was pretty cool.

But what I, personally want to see is the Penguin Exhibit. I love me some Penguins!

It’s better than staying home. I stayed home last weekend and even though it’s nice to sometimes just sit and stare at a wall, The Boy gets cabin fever quickly and it isn’t quite hot enough yet to get out to the non-heated pool.  I had to think of something to do this weekend, especially since it was a long weekend.

Witnessing the moment my best friend died…..

An experience like what I describe below is an experience one never forgets.

The following is long but its best to start out with how I came to be blessed with and to love my Best Friend.

M. and I were best friends from the womb. It’s true!

Our mothers were best friends. They both became pregnant at the same time. She was born only two months before me. Her in September, me in December. We were friends from the beginning of our lives. That is why I always considered her more of a sister to me.

We grew up together, played together. I used to wait for her at her house when my mother would be helping her mother with work. I would wait for her at her front door for her to come  home from school. We started our gaming together.

And she always envied my Strawberry Shortcake collection.

I didn't have quite this many, but almost. Memories...

I didn’t have quite this many, but almost. I also had the play house that came with the set. Memories…

Yet, I always envied her Cabbage Patch Kid collection.

More memories. And she even had the TWINS!

More memories. And she even had the TWINS!

We would always spend the night at each other’s houses. We even shared clothes. I remember we had other friends as our parents knew a lot of people in our Cult but it was always me and her.

As we got older, our paths stopped crossing. We both went to the same private school the Cult owned.  But I was set back in the 6th grade leaving her and a lot of my other friends to move forward while I stayed behind. Luckily, I made new friends but she was in Jr High and I was still stuck in elementary. We no longer shared the same adventures and friends as we used to.

In high school, she ended up going to a public school a year earlier than me at a school that was about 15 miles from where I ended up going to public school. Our paths never crossed much at all at that point. I made my own friends in my school though. But we still remained as close as we could, considering our distance.

She started college at U.C. San Diego during my Senior year in high school. I spent many weekends visiting her during my Senior year in high school, partying with her and her new circle of college friends.  Being that I didn’t have many friends at my own school, there was no reason for me to not visit her when I didn’t have to actually go to school.

I remember a few weekends in Tijuana. I remember getting super drunk and making out with one of her guy friends who I was super attracted to. I remember her drunk friends (not me) who she always ended up having to babysit at the end of the night.

Oh no she didn't

One night, I was at home and she called me up around 2am, crying. If you knew her, you would have known that she never cried. Half asleep, I asked her what is wrong and she tells me that one of her friends had gotten drunk and started making out with her boyfriend.

Well, I had my shoes on, my keys in my hand and I told her I would be over there in 1 hour (it took 2 1/2 hours to drive from my house to her dorm in San Diego) to kick this girls ass.  She soon realized that she may have had a mistake in calling me knowing that I would react this way. Again if you knew her, you would also know that she was the most non-confrontational and easy going person on the planet. That is why lots of different people were attracted to her and able to take advantage of her. Even the drunk sluts…

Needless to say, I did not kick anyone’s ass that night, which may have been a good thing.

Towards the end of her first year in college, she started to get really really tired. She later told me that she thought she was partying too much, and smoking and drinking too much or maybe the 1st year of college was taking its toll on her. So she cut down on smoking and drinking. But just before the end of her Freshman year in college she was sent to the ER because she was having trouble breathing.

We later found out, she had a large lump in her neck just at the collarbone and one crushing her lungs.

When it was thoroughly examined, she ended up with the diagnosis of Cancer, Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.

She was 18 years old.

She recovered from the initial onset of it and did her radiation treatments. She had a head full of dark lustrous naturally curly hair. And I mean the curls that are ringlets, all what God had given her. She never dyed it excessively and always kept is long.  Her hair was beautiful.

Within months of her treatments, it was gone. She was devastated. Myself and many of our other friends pitched in for hats and scarves to help her out. It was all we could do.

After a year of the treatments and her losing all her hair, she finally went into remission. She had 2 years of being cancer free.

Then it returned. She was 21.

This time it hit her harder. Some lumps were found in her feet and around her neck. She went back to treatments and lost all the hair she had just grown back. This lasted for about another year.

At this point, I had already met the man I was going to marry and later divorce. I remember when she first met him she asked him a million questions and he hated that. He didn’t like having questions asked of himself. But that is who she was. She wanted to know who her friend was dating. It was a gesture of concern that any good friend would do.

She was back in her home town, Pasadena, CA and rooming with another friend of ours. She smoked a lot of Marijuana to help her relax as she was just ending another round of treatments. Of course, I engaged in that with her. But quickly realized pot wasn’t my thing. Blegh….

She had already graduated from college but she wanted to pursue photography as a hobby so she took some classes at Pasadena City College (yup, the same place that I was Homecoming Princess). During this time, I was preparing for my wedding and she wanted to take some photos of me. She was actually really good. I remember she took some still photos of a martini shaker and martini glass. She gave a print to me and signed it. That photo is still hanging in my dining room to this day with her signature.

She used the colleges’ photography studios to take my portraits.  What came from this photo session was probably the most fun I’ve ever had and some photos of myself that I still, to this day, deny its me. She really captured me wonderfully.

Here were the best photos of that session:

I still remember this one. Just after she clicked the photo, I started cracking up. I couldn't keep a straight face. I was nervous.

I still remember this one. Just after she clicked the photo, I started cracking up. I couldn’t keep a straight face. I was nervous.

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I started laughing hysterically after this one to. It was HER idea to show, uh, more than I cared to.

That session was a riot! She was laughing a lot to only because I couldn’t keep a straight face to get any good photos. I had a pair of my glasses on so she wanted to use those as a prop. It was a lot of fun.  These photos were taking in 2001

Soon after these photos, I got married.  She had just turned 24 and I was about to turn 24. She had just finished her round of treatments and her hair was a cute little short cut. I remember I got her rhinestone hair clippies to wear.

Below is her and I at my Bachelorette night. She and two of our other friends took me to Saddle Ranch on Sunset Blvd. in West Hollywood, CA.

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I rode the mechanical bull, got knocked off it, then drank a lot. Then they took me to a strip joint…needless to say, I got really drunk and passed out in a car, somewhere. That seems like a whole other lifetime ago.

I then got married and she worked for a little while but was always feeling so tired, listless. The below photo was taken at a 2002 New Year’s party. It was one of the last times she would live life normally.

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In 2004, I had my son and she just happened to live right across the street from the hospital where I was at. She was one of the first people to visit me after I had given birth. At this point, she was starting to get dark spots all over her skin and her hair was not growing back as it used to. She never told me what the doctors really said was happening to her but her body was deteriorating. However, she always tried to function normally and refused to let any of us acknowledge that she needed help with things. 

Soon after that she moved out of her apartment that she was sharing with a roomate to move in with her parents in Pasadena. Of course, I wasn’t told why she did this but I knew it was so her parents could help her more. In the summer of 2005, her parents took her to the Caribbean and New York City, two places she has always wanted to go.

In September of 2005, her family threw her a 29th birthday party. Everyone she had ever known in the 29 years she was living, was there.  People came up from San Diego, even other countries like Ireland! (She travelled a lot during her college years and made friends in other countries). The aura of the party was always kept lively and fluffy, on the surface. But we all knew what each and every one of us was thinking.

She was dying.

At this party, there was one moment where she was to weak to get up from a soft chair she was sitting in. Some of us offered to help her up but, completely out of her character, she smacked their hands saying she didn’t need help. She didn’t say it loud or mean. She just really didn’t think she was dying. She probably couldn’t believe it.

Note:  The next part of this was VERY VERY hard for me to write. I believe it took me about two weeks to get my thoughts in order and get it all typed out. Many times, I had to just stop, the pain was more than I anticipated it to be.

The last time I was to “party” with my best friend was New Year’s 2006.

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We were in Pasadena at a Steakhouse on Colorado Blvd. The group was our smaller, closer group of friends which included two other close girlfriends and their husbands, myself and her.

We ate and danced in the New Year. She was actually in really good spirits that night. She enjoyed her food and even danced a bit. But I’m sure she was forcing it.

Two weeks later, my mother called me at work.  It was Thursday, January 12, 2006.

“M. is in a coma”

I left work within seconds. I don’t even remember what excuse I gave my boss. I think it was that there was an emergency and I needed to go to the hospital.

I first went to my parents house and we all went together, my parents, my sister and my then 2 year old son. When we arrived, they only allowed a certain number of people in the room and no children so my father stayed outside with my 2 year old while my mother, sister and I went into her room. She was at the City of Hope.

She was hooked up to ever machinery imaginable. She was no longer really breathing on her own, the machines were doing it. Her skin was still so blotchy and full of dark spots. Her mother was there as well as her other family and friends of her mother’s and of our families.

I had been there for about an hour when I realized that my son had to get home. Since we all came in one car, my mother offered to take him home with my sister and father and my father would say home with him and my sister and mother would return to the hospital.

About 20 minutes after they left, we were all standing around her bed. Her aunt was rubbing her feet and had just put Phantom of the Opera (her favorite) in her ears with ear buds.

I can still see her breathing…very shallow, up and down, up and down…then. Nothing.

No movement at all. At this point, a lot happened all at once and all within 1-2 minutes.

Her aunt who was rubbing her feet said “she stopped breathing!” 

Then her father started yelling her name before crumpling onto the floor like a pile of clothes.

Her mother, at her bedside, was crying, more like screaming. I had known this woman for 29 years and had never seen her cry, ever.

I’m sure others in the room were crying but I only remember her father and mother.

I grabbed her mother’s hand with one hand, then grabbed my best friend’s cold hand in the other. I noticed something amazing happen to her body within these few seconds.

When I first saw her lying there, her skin was covered in blotches and dark spot.

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However, the moment she stopped breathing, I knew her soul had left her body because her skin instantaneously cleared up from the dark spots. It was like something you would see in a movie, some sort of CGI effect. Her skin just became clear and was like porclein.

It was the most amazing thing I’ve never seen in my life. Like magic. Like her body had become just a shell as her soul was lifted away.

I called my mother who was actually on the way back to the hospital with my sister and told her “she’s gone”…..

Everything I’ve stated here was absolutely true, there was no fabrications for drama effect. I experienced this.

At the age of 29, my best friend lost her 11 year battle to cancer.

That’s what I say!

 

I remember after her brother came in and he was in shock, absolutely speechless, I decided I couldn’t take it anymore and left with my mother and sister.

I got home and I believe I just passed out.

The next day was a Friday. I had planned a Disneyland visit (I had been taking The Boy to Disneyland since he was 10 months old and Fridays were my days off from work which was when I went).

I decided that I would go ahead and go. Below is a photo that was taken the day after my best friend died.

It is with Eeyore, both her favorite character and mine.

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The smile was very forced but I was still happy to be hugging something that she liked.

I spoke at her funeral. The church was filled with over 250 people. She touched many lives.

I know the preceding was extremly long and I thank you for taking the time to read it. This was yet another major part of who I am today. I miss her tremndously and know that my life would be so different if she was still walking it with me.

However, she was the sweetest and kindess person I had ever known. The only place left for her was with God.

An appointment has been made….

I have made an appointment for this Saturday to see a medical doctor specifically about weight loss.

This is a different path for me regarding weight loss. I’ve done the conventional diets, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, all those. But I’ve never asked a medical professional about this.

What prompted me were three numbers. If these numbers were the amount of dollars in my wallet right now or my IQ I would be fine.

But they are not. These numbers are my weight.

243

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Plushie Pretzel

I’m a bit nervous. Why? Well it’s simply because of this.

I love food. If food, or carbs to be exact, were a squishy little plushie doll that I could squeeze I would. And now I realize…I will have to give up a lot of it.

However, on the flip side, I hate food to. I hate the way I feel after I gorge on food. I hate that a fast food joint taunts me at every turn. Fuck fast food!

Food is not bad for me. Over eating is. I eat food (and mostly the bad kind) like an alcoholic abuses whiskey. I know that I will have to abandon my fast food lunches. I’m going to try. On Sunday, I went to Souplantation and filled up on baby greens and veggies. I did NOT even visit the bread bar, but had a small helping of wheat pasta in lemon sauce. But there was NO bread. And that was hard because I love the little pizza bread things at Souplantation.

But I can’t be fat anymore. I can’t be addicted to food anymore. Every organ in my body is screaming “HELP US! WE ARE GETTING OVERWHELMED BY THE FAT!!”  I have a fatty liver, diagnosed a few years ago because of the fat around my belly. And that was a few years ago, about 20 lbs less than I am now.

Can someone die from fat? I think so. On the inside and on the outside and all in between.

So, I will see what a medical professional has to say about this and maybe there is another way to do this. I hope so.

Living life as a fat, ugly girl

I realize that is a harsh title. It was harsh to write. However, it is the truth.

“Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder”

I have always guffawed at that statement. We are human. We thrive on pleasure. Everyone will enjoy looking at a pleasurable face over an ugly or plain face. If anyone says otherwise, they are a lying.

Again, it is harsh for me to say it, but it is the truth. Our eyes want to see beauty not just in the form of a person’s face but in landscapes, colors, maybe a beautiful colored flower garden or a painting.

Humans enjoy beauty.

Humans will also shun those who are not seen as beautiful. Then again, Society is responsible for a lot of this to but in reality, what is Society made up of. Humans. And again, if one claims to not have done this at least once in their life, I call them liars.

I have never felt or ever considered myself beautiful by any means. I have always considered myself a Plain Jane. I do not like make up.  I never was one to wear a lot of make up outside of going to a special event.  As I’ve gotten older, I simply can’t wear it anymore. My eyes water and my skin itches. Make up and me, are no longer friends.

I never spent hours on my hair every day. For the most part, I wore it short just to keep it easy. However, I will admit, that when it is long, it is my best feature. But even my best “beauty” feature is becoming null and void because I’m losing my hair and if I don’t take the time to dye it ever two weeks, the greying ages me 20 years. And yes, I have a full head of pretty much “salt and pepper” hair (if I don’t dye regularly). It’s mortifying but I’ve been greying since I was 16. It was inevitable.

These are a few examples of when I was shunned for lacking beauty.

1) I was 20 and the current boyfriend I had was driving us to go pick up an old friend of his. We did pick him up, and as the night went on, I over heard this old friend telling my boyfriend just this, word for word, (I wished I could forget it) “Dude, you can do better than *that*. She is a dog” …….No.joke. Welcome to my memories..

2) I’m working at a pretty well known high end restaurant here in S. California. I was a hostess. I had been there for all of a few weeks. I over hear the male waiters and kitchen staff say (again, wished I could erase my memory) “oh that one…? that one is butt ugly.”

These are just two examples I remember…I may have mentally blocked a lot out.

Weight is just a Number

I’ve also never been able to keep a “healthy” weight. My first diet was at 12 years old, Weight Watchers.

I can remember being teased many times in my childhood (along with the many humiliations elementary school provided). One particular sticks to mind.

I was at a roller skating rink at a church function and a boy who always teased me for some reason told me “you don’t need skates, you will just rollll out there”. I’m sure you all understood what he meant.

Another was this boys’ sister who was on the same church cheerleading squad. One time, she was in the dressing room and she grabbed my cheer skirt, which was about 3 sizes to big for her and proceeded to put it on and dance around in it, showing all the other girls that it was 3 sizes to big.

Now, I know that others with the same issues as myself may have had similar stories and I’m sure even worse stories, but these were the few I remembered.

It’s because of these human reactions to fat and ugliness that I have always been over looked.  I have never turned any eyes, I’ve remained extremely shy which lead to a pretty much non-existent self-esteem and self-worth.

I was on and off diets my whole life. I do recall three times where a certain “diet” worked and I was at a very nice looking weight. But as is the norm, this weight never stayed off.

The first was when I was 17.  I was about 155 lbs at this age. Oddly enough, it was a Richard Simmons diet. Yes, you read that right. Richard Simmons. It looked kinda like this:

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The concept was easy enough and the foundation for any diet plan. You have a certain amount of certain types of food, which the color coded cards represented. When that food was eaten, the color coded card that represents that food (ex. Pink cards were fruit), was moved over to the right slots under breakfast, lunch or dinner. When all the cards were gone, you were done eating for the day. I got my weight down to 140 lbs. People thought I was sick, I got so skinny.  However, according to the “charts”, 140 is not “skinny” for a 5 foot 4 inch female. Yet, I was skinny enough for people to think I was sick.

As I said, I was 17 when I started this and the personal happenings in my life had a lot to do with the weight loss. I was in my Sr. year in high school and didn’t have ONE friend (yes you read that right…I had not ONE friend my Sr. year in high school, I didn’t even go to my Sr. prom or Grad Night). Also, I only went to school half days. I left at Noon, I got on a bus down the street from my school, drove on the bus for 10 miles to an afternoon filing job at a mortgage company. This was my Senior year in high school. On the weekend, I would visit my best friend at UC San Diego where she was doing her Freshman year in college.

The second time I lost a lot of weight was the first few months of my marriage in 2001-02.  I’m sure my husband at the time was afraid of the whale I could possibly become and he monitored ALL my eating. He made my lunches, made our dinners. I was watched constantly.

The third time, was 10 months after I had my child. I was a around 210 lbs. It was also probably the only time that I actually COULD have kept it off permanently. But life always gets in the way. I worked for L.A.P.D. as a time keeping clerk. In the station, there was a great exercise room. I worked PM watch so my “lunch break” would be around 8 or 9 pm. I would spend that time watching LOST in the exercise room on the elliptical. Also, I started Jenny Craig, as a few years before I had paid to be a lifetime member and could join for free (“plus the cost of food“). Jenny always worked for me. It was planned out meals, I didn’t have to do anything but heat them up, eat them and do my hour on the elliptical. I got down to 165 lbs.

It was this time that I lost the most and felt great because I was doing power exercise (the elliptical is a good workout) along with it. However, I was also going through a lot of rough times living with my parents and having a newborn/infant.

It was the diet yo-yo

It was the diet yo-yo

I gained all that back after I quite my LAPD job (it was to far to travel there from my parents house) and then lost the new city job I got only 3 months after that. I then moved up to Washington state for 3 months, then moved back. Then it just started piling on again.

I think the most of what I’ve gained has been this past year though. I tried Jenny Craig again, this time last year and was up to 15lbs lost but it is expensive.

I’m now pushing 250lbs.

Let’s look at all the three times the diets worked. First, I was 17….17! I was young and vivacious. Anything would have worked fast. Second time, it wasn’t me that was pushing it. It was my husband at the time who was afraid I would turn into a walrus. Third, I wanted to lose baby weight and had the time, money and resources to exercise without interruption.

I wished that the storyline from Tyler Perry’s “Why did I get Married?” was true. The storyline I’m talking about is a very large Sheila, finally dumps her husband who does nothing but make fun of her because she is fat and who is also cheating on her.

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Sheila is made fun of by her husband. He was awful to her.

She just *happens* to run into a good looking sheriff who miraculously thinks she is perfect for his perfect self (well he does tell her if she doesn’t like herself to change it but with him as motivation…)_MG_9793.CR2

He helps her to feel better about herself and even drop some pounds into the woman you see in the picture below (on far left)

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(uh…not in the real world sister….)

And at the end, she admits to her friends she’s happy and he works out with her and all is well in the world of fatness…

Bull.Shit (I don’t make fun of the movie as it was great…just the concept).

For me, none of those things are apparent in my life right now. I do try to cook meals at home.  Chicken, lean beef and steamed veggies because its not just me, its a kid I have to cook for to. And I will admit that fast food is the Devil’s food for me.

But its the exercise. I am just dormant. The motivation is not there and that is the key with me.

Also, I have the metabolism of a turtle. I realized there was a pattern. To lose weight, I needed to eat below 1000 calories a day (sometimes less) and do aerobic exercise at least 2 hours a day. I do not joke about that. When I lost the most weight, I was doing just that. My exercise regimens were brutal. I don’t have time for that right now. I’m so exhausted all I want to do is sleep.

I’m half way through my life and I realize these things about me:

I have never been one to “stop traffic” per say.

I have never been one to make a guy side glance.

I’m reminded of this scene in the movie Big Fish

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He sees her at the opposite end of a crowded circus tent

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Time stops for him, completely as she is the only thing that he sees in the whole room.

That will never happen to me. Even in my youth it was never going to happen. I never turned heads. Hell, even the husband I did get was probably to drunk to realize he was marrying an “ugly cow” and when he did realize he sure wasn’t slow in admitting it to my face he never loved me and thought I wasn’t physically appealing. (hence, the lack of sex as the marriage marched towards its end).

At this point in my life, I feel like I live with only one purpose. To make sure that the child God chose for me to take care of is fed, clothed, educated and taught right from wrong. I will just continue to do that as I realize that my good years are all gone.

I know that tons of women go through some of the examples I gave of when people were mean. I wished it wasn’t so.

Finally: The picture below was 13 years ago, I was 24. It was my wedding day, and what you see here is both hope and denial beaming from me. More of the latter, than the former.

Hope that all the red flags in the person I was about to marry were not really there.

And Denial, that the red flags weren’t really there.

Me on my wedding day – 155lbs

My Back Story: The Marriage/Divorce

I have spent some time reading many different blogs and I have to say I really thought I was alone in all the feelings and emotions I’ve had as a divorcee and single mother for these past 9 years.

I.am.not.alone

And that feels friggin’ fantastic.

But I do have my own individual story.  Please, take the time to walk down Memory Lane with me.

As Louis from Interview with a Vampire said:

“Shall we begin like David Copperfield? ‘I am born……I grew up.’ Or shall we begin when I was born to darkness, as I call it.”

Well I wasn’t born to darkness, I just liked the way Brad Pitt talked in that scene.

Anyway, I will begin at where the road started to where I am now. I believe God has His hands on all and I believe He looked away as I made the worst decision of my life when I was 22, to walk into that bar on Colorado Blvd, Pasadena, California.

I walked in and sat down at the bar, right next to a very good-looking, dark-haired scruffy bearded male. This man was NOT my type. I liked blondes. However, I still gave this man my number and well, what do you know, he called me.

A year and a half later, we were married.  Its appropriate to mention that at one time during that year and a half, I had a relationship “fork in the road” as I had the chance to choose one of two men: My ex, who I ended up marrying, or another man who was not as adventuresome but was a quiet and devoted man who really did love me…..

As the Grail Knight would say….indiana_jones_grail_knight-you-have-chosen-poorly

Yes, thank you Mr. Knight…much appreciated for pointing that out.

The preparations for the wedding were tormenting to say the least. My parents and sister disapproved of him, and rightly so.

Now, he never hit me or was violent during the 5 years of our relationship (which included a boyfriend/girlfriend status then marriage). He was just what you would call a plain old asshole. I know that is SUCH an ex-wife cliché thing to say but that really is what he was. Even his family thought so. I really do not believe he possessed one ounce of human decency or humanity in him.

To help paint this picture of his personality, I give you this scenario:

While you may feel sadness for the soldiers who die while serving their country (God Bless them) and the families and friends they leave behind, my ex would say “they knew what they were getting into when they signed up…to bad” (and that is actually word for word what he said on that subject one time). *cough* asshole *cough*

He also had a drinking and drug problem but as I think back, his assholery was the worst part of him, which says a lot about his assholery when compared to a drinking and drug problem. And yes, assholery is a word, look it up. You will see a picture of my ex-husband next to it.

But, despite the red BANNERS that were flying up, no they were careening across my face,  (yeah sure…I’ll spend the next 50 years of my life driving your drunk ass around), the wedding proceeded. I blame myself on this point, for being so stupid.

It ended up being a pretty decent wedding. My family probably just gave in to the fact that I was going to go through with this mistake and just decided to go with it. The cake was beautiful. My brides maids, who were my older half-sister, younger sister and best friend, were beautiful. It went great.

Note: On the bright side, I’m glad that my best friend was able to be in the wedding. She lost her battle with cancer 5 years after my wedding. We were 29 years old (her and I were the same age). When I told my Ex, who I had been divorced from already for about 2 years, he shrugged his shoulders. Again, not one ounce of human empathy.

Then the “marriage” started, and I began to realize, what a mistake I made. The man, seemed to loathe me. Now, I did not know this at that time, but looking back….the signs were everywhere. He had no respect for me in the marriage, didn’t allow me to go to classes at night to finish my AA degree. I had to switch my P.M. Watch Police Clerk job to day hours because he didn’t like coming home to an empty house (yet when I was there, he never acknowledged it). I secretly believed he despised that I liked my P.M. Police Clerk job and just didn’t like that. It was very strange. It was like he enjoyed having the extra money that being a part of a marriage brought in, but still wanted to do his own thing and not acknowledge that I was a part of this marriage team and must be considered part of it.

Also, the intimate part of the marriage, was null and void. On top of his apparent loathe for me, he never touched me and to get sex, I had to make him drunk and force myself. I will leave it at that as I would like to keep things PG but for me, as a woman, to not be wanted by your husband is pretty much murder to my already non-existent self esteem. It beat it down into its grave and then peed on it.

Then there was the alcohol and drugs. Ok, I will admit, I participated in both. Hey, I was 24, had a great job, a husband. I really thought this was part of what it was all about. But I never went over board with it. In fact, I stopped participating  and then became not only something he loathed but was also the “ball and chain” wife.

He was also drunk all the time, a “functioning alcoholic” as I later came to find out was the term. He would drink all the time but sure get up and be ready for work the next day. The booze was worse than the drugs, so yay for him choosing the lesser of two evils, maybe.

Our first split up:

This happened just shy of 2 years into our marriage. I decided to leave. I confided in my parents (yes, that was held over my head many times since then of my failure to make a marriage work) and they moved me back into their house.

Then, this man, who was a drunk asshole changed into a sniveling heap.

The change was absolutely astonishing that even my parents were like, huh? He weeped to me on the phone how much he loved me how much he missed me. He weeped to me on the phone that he wanted his wife back. I was shell shocked.

He wrote a letter to my parents saying how much he loved their daughter and wanted me back. They were shell shocked.

It was at this time, during our 4 months separation, I met a lovely police officer at the police station in Los Angeles that I was working at and we hit it off well..but…once again, I failed myself and made, yet another wrong choice at the “relationship fork in the road”. I went back to the crying heap faster than pot heads attack Doritos.

indiana_jones_grail_knight-you-have-chosen-poorly again

Yes, Sir Knight….we get the point…thanks.

I then became pregnant:

So we are back together and we moved into an apartment in Glendale since we lost our other apartment during the separation. That was when, I got pregnant. Although to this day I don’t know how since our sex life was pretty much nothing. But it happened (and no I didn’t cheat…I am not like that, I even felt guilty about dating the cop because I wasn’t officially divorced).

Later, he told me that it was exactly 3 days after we got back together that he knew he shouldn’t have taken me back and he also told me that the crying and sniveling was an act (I am not making this up). He said that just before I got pregnant, he was going to dump my ass back to the curb. The deceit was never ending with this man.

So now I’m pregnant and he is staying with me out of sheer obligation The pregnancy was ok. We ended up renting out a condo from his friend and we got a decent baby room set up. We got two cats (which I lost during the divorce, he sold them for $50 to some vet he knew….we had bought those cats for about $700 together)….and my pregnancy went on without any real complications. I was taken off work at around 7 months because I was getting gall stones (painful) and they could do nothing about it until after the baby was born. So the last 3 months of my pregnancy were actually the most peaceful and calmest three months in my life. I would wake up, whenever and just piddle around with my cats, go shopping (because I was actually getting alot of disability money and an extra $1400 a month from Aflac) and eat. It was great.

The time came to give birth to his son. It was a nightmare.

The birth of my son:

First, he wouldn’t take me to the friggin hospital when the contractions began to make me go insane. Sure, I will admit to a low tolerance for pain, however, I knew enough to know that when the contractions got bad…I should have gone to the hospital. He said to wait and wait and wait and I got so scared that I grabbed the car keys and attempted to prepare to drive MYSELF to the dang hospital! He then took me.

I labored for 12 hours (but had been contracting for long before that). It hurt….

Honestly, I don’t remember much, it was a blur. I remember getting there, pain in the delivery room, then the doctor breaking my water, then more pain, then doctor saying the kid’s head was stuck in my pelvic bone and C-section was necessary. Then the epidural….then painless heaven which included watching Wheel of Fortune while waiting to get wheeled into the operating room.

The baby is born, I get put into the observation room, I hear that my blood pressure is dropping….I pass out.

Next thing I remember, I am in the hospital recovery room and my son is put in my arms as the nurse is trying to teach me how to breastfeed and all I want to do is sleep.

Now, this is what my family told me what happened.

Just after the delivery, when I was in the recovery room with the baby in the incubator, my parents were not allowed into the room to see me or the baby because my husband wouldn’t allow it.

My ex said the nurse told him that no one was allowed.

I am in a state of delirium so I didn’t know what happened!

On this account, I blame both my family and my ex.

My family because they made ME feel guilty about not doing something about this because apparently, even though I had just given birth and I my blood pressure was dropping, I was still supposed to only make sure they had it their way. I honestly didn’t know what was going on.

My ex, because he could have allowed them in, but then again, I really don’t know if he was being stopped by the nurse on that count.

Moving on, the next day my family came to visit and I was more lucid yet I wondered why they were being so mean, to me, my ex and his family. I did find out later all that happened but will never forgive them for making it more difficult than it already was.  But that is who my family is……Drama Royalty.

The Official Divorce:

For a month, I took care of The Boy and loved every minute of it. But I believe I was either suffering from postpartum or something because I just decided to leave my husband. I remember feeling scared. I was scared that I have this child now and it wasn’t just me dealing with his heartless inhumanity but my boy. I had to protect him.

I left 2 months after my son was born. Our divorce was finalized 1 year after that. I was then living with my family. This was in 2004. There were a couple of times he took me back to court after it was finalized to change the orders. More specifically, he took me back one time to request he stop having to pay child support. The judge laughed in his face

Since then, I had to deal with the other issue of mine, my family. My mother in particular. We have never gotten along and her dramatics I just couldn’t take sometimes, especially being back in their house.

However, I made it to today, where for the past 2 years I’ve had my own apartment, been able to take care of myself and The Boy and enjoy adventures together.

Every now and then, my Ex needs information for his medical insurance that he has on The Boy (Insurance coverage is court ordered as well as the child support. He works for L.A. and gets paid pretty decently) and he contacts me.  However, the last interaction I had with him. he needed to know his son’s birth date. He didn’t even know his own son’s birthday. Well that could be because he hasn’t seen his son in 8 years. He’s never sent his son a birthday or Christmas card. I once tried to send my ex and ex-in laws photos, they were returned with a phone call from my ex, to quit harassing them. Although I never understood how sending photos of their grand child who carries his father’s name, was harassment but…whatever.

At one time, I hated that man. I hated him more than I hated any thing on this earth. I do not hate him anymore and I haven’t for a long time. I feel sorry for him. Because my ex gets to miss out on his son learning to skate and playing hockey. He gets to miss out on school open houses and the quirky things he says. He gets to miss out on his mess of long hair and that wonderful smile that can be accompanied by the most jovial laugh. I feel sad for my ex who didn’t want to be a part of a wonderful child’s life.

The Boy is adventuresome and sensitive. He is kind and very smart. He is actually more like me in personality (but that includes the Drama genes, something I resist in myself). But, only physically, is he the image of his father.

Since then, I have only been on one date. I did not follow through.  I really lost trust in not only men but people and most of all, I lost trust in my judgement of character. The combination of this lack of judgement in people and myself and a non-existent self-esteem created a cocktail of fear which lead to loneliness which leads to occasional depression, something I battle daily.

Being a mother has helped me focus on what is important and helps with that battle tremendously. Being a mother to The Boy is the one choice, where……I chose wisely….

“You have Chosen WISELY”

Ah Thank you Grail Knight…I can rest easy now…

Some history: My Relationship with My Mother

I will just say that my mother and I really just do not see eye to eye at all and we never have. She is NOT my best friend, as I have seen some women claim their own mothers are just that. If she was not family and the woman who gave me life, I would not associate with her. Her theories are so backwards it’s unbelievable. As I said in my Black Widow Dream entry, I am VERY careful with what I share with her because she is the type of person who will take a weakness about me and absolutely exploit it just to make herself feel powerful. The funny thing about this is, she only does this with me. To the outside public, she is a saint.

The History:

Her and I have bucked heads since the day I was born, when I actually almost killed her coming out of her. As morbid as that sounds, it is the truth. I mention this because, it is for that reason that I still honor and respect her because, she did birth me and she deserves that in the very least.

Also, it should be expressed that she lost her own mother at the age of 9 and had to raise her 3 younger siblings at that age, as a mother would. My grandmother died of Kidney failure at the age of 35. I am 36, I carry my Grandmother’s name and when I finally passed 35 I breathed a sign of relief because I to, have had Kidney problems in the past. I’m superstitious like that sometimes.

Moving on, growing up, it was quickly established who was the “man” in the house. My father gave up his “cahones” the minute he married her. She was very manipulative and would have bouts of absolute hysteria (now, looking back, I realize she was probably severely bipolar and a manic-depressive). I remember it, my sister, has blocked a lot of it out.  There are also other family issues that arose many times dealing with my mother’s father, who is now dead.

Side Note: I will never feel well speaking ill of the dead but this man, my mother’s father, well let’s just say I really do NOT think he is sitting at the right hand of God. He did horrible things to my family, my mother, sister, aunts and to his last breath he never asked for forgiveness. He died lonely with only my mother and his wife by his side, the only two women he apparently had a strong hold on. He had 7 children (one that is out there but never was brought into the family), none were there. He had numerous grandchildren, none were there. He even had numerous great-grandchildren, one of which is my son and none were there. I can assure you, it was not without good cause, that he died practically alone. At the funeral, as I looked around, the only people who really “mourned” him were those who didn’t know what kind of man he really was. I know I was just there to pay respect to a life, even if it wasn’t lived all that well but if he hadn’t lived, then neither would I be living.

Moving on, I know my mother suffered in her childhood and there isn’t a day that goes by where I hate that she suffered. Because of her suffering and the sins of her father and the unfortunate death of her own mother, my sister and I suffered. Tremendously. But a lot of who she is today isn’t her fault.

A lot of my mistakes in my choice of husband not only had to deal with low self esteem and thinking no one else would want me but it also included the fact that I wanted to get away from my manipulative and controlling mother.

I realized that I would never get away from her as long as I continued a relationship with her, no matter where I was in life.

Life in her house, after my divorce:

When I lived with her after my divorce and while my son was a baby, the manipulations were tremendous because now, she was using my son.

Oh and where is my father in all this….the man did whatever she wanted, followed whatever she did and if his daughters were hurting, crying, in pain because of his wife’s words, it didn’t matter. He was her puppy, not one ounce of backbone. But, just as I still respect my mother for giving me life, I do the same for my father because he worked hard to provide for his children and wife. I will always respect that and for teaching us to work and not wait for “hand outs”. He had his own family history to blame for it (another entry maybe?).

I was 28 and living in my parents’ house with a small baby. Not a good combination. It was their house, their rules so there was no way I was ever going to be a mother the way I wanted to be a mother.

I wanted to be a fun mother. Not the “I will be your best friend, son” type of mother because I don’t think a mother and child can be “best friends”. But they can be friends. I wanted to go on adventures. I got a Disneyland Annual Pass when my son was 10 months old and that was the first time he went to Disneyland. It ended up being a routine just about every Tuesday, my day off from work.

My mother, did not make life easy. She constantly put me down, which I should be used to by now because even to this day (more on that later) she still finds a way to put me down. She would tell me everything I’m doing wrong.

For example, I was giving my son soup for lunches and forgot to put the one can of water into the soup. She was determined to convince me that because I was not putting the one can water into the soup that The Boy was breaking out in a rash. I do not make this stuff up. She berated me for forgetting to put the water in the soup and there was my father, right behind her just nodding his head.

Thinking back on that now, it’s laughable because the me of today would have laughed in her face (as sometimes I do when she starts to come up with silly notions again). She would make sure one little mistake I made was blown up to the size of a mountain and that it was cause for The Boy’s demise.

I do recall one incident that showed me that some how, some way, I needed to Master the Jedi Art of Ignore when it came to my mother.

I had just lost my job. It was not a high point in my life. I fixed The Boy some waffles and eggs for breakfast. He was being fussy and didn’t want to eat and threw a fit. I put him in his room for a time out. My mother came into the kitchen screaming at me that I was a horrible mother, that I didn’t know how to do anything and couldn’t even keep a job…on and on.

What happened next, in my head was like something you would see in a movie. I could hear her voice screaming at me I could feel the angry and frustration building up and I could feel myself using all my power to push the anger down. It’s like her voice was in a distance and I was losing it.

What she did next was not unfamiliar to how she handled things. She took the plate that had hot eggs and waffles on it and threw it directly at me, spilling it all over me and the kitchen counter. (it was not uncommon for her, throughout my childhood and teen years, to grab the first closest thing she could and throw it at me. If she was close enough a good slap to my face was the next best thing. Although the last time she physically hit me was when she punched me in the stomach at a restaurant in Palm Springs back in the summer of 2007.)

So after the plate of food was thrown at me, this is what I recall happened next.

I rose my hand, half to block the egg that was being thrown at me and half to just throw my hands in the air in disgust at this woman.

She, in turn raised her arm and stepped back. At the time, I’m assuming she thought that with the raising of my arm, I was going to assault her.

She then stepped backwards and tripped over the counter stool and fell back, bruising her arms and leg.

That is what I saw…her story was different.

She said I pushed her, full force into the fireplace area causing her to fall.

I.did.not.push.her.

She told my sister this, my sister comes home from work telling me off. She is crying and whoa is me and then my dad comes in telling me off.

I’m astonished how she has the power to make others see what is not there.

I am the bad guy in that scenario. I grabbed my kid, got in my car and spent the next 3 days after that in San Diego, where I took my kid to the Zoo for the first time.

When I returned, to keep peace, I apologized. But never, not once, did I receive an apology from her for actually assaulting me with a hot plate of food. However, as I mentioned before, it was not uncommon for her, in the past to throw the first thing she could grab and chuck it at me. Or if she was close enough, a slap to my face worked best for her.

It was then, I realized, this woman will do and say anything to make her look white as snow….I see the game being played now.

Moving on, in April of 2011, I moved out of their house and into my own apartment. It was tough and money was non-existent but it was my home. It was a smooth move with little drama because it was necessary to get my son into a good school district and at least we agreed on that. Where my parents live is not the best of school districts or cities for that matter and on that  subject, I put my foot down and said I will get The Boy into the best school district I can. And I did.

The Relationship I have with my Mother today:

For the past two years, being in my own home and out of hers was an interesting transition for our relationship. She still believed that she could come into MY home, as if it was her own, and belittle me, put me down and berate me. She could not. This was MY home, my money paid for this home, I pay the bills, I AM THE MOTHER HERE.

mom-thanks-teaching-about-mothers-day-ecard-someecards

She did not like being out of the control box.

Even just as recently as last night the occasional belittling comes out. My parents finally came over to help with the last, oh, 5 boxes of my move (The Boy and I had already moved the bulk of 40+ boxes but hey, they came over for the last 5). She begins to put me down on why The Boy has allergies, why he was dirty (uh, we had just gotten home…showers hadn’t been taken yet), why his toe nails weren’t clipped.  *sigh*

I wanted to say, “none of your f-ing business…” but of course, could not. I bit my tongue. And when I say BIT MY TONGUE….I mean I literally bite my tongue. Sometimes to the point of bleeding.

She then walks around my home telling me how dirty everything is. Uh, we are moving…of course it’s a bit messy, believe me the mess drives me nuts. It’s just put down after put down. More tongue biting….

This was all last night. Granted, her visits are VERY far and few between because, well because I just can’t stomach her sometimes. So she rarely comes over. I usually go to her house or we all eat out at a restaurant. The latter is my favorite choice because in public, things stay neutral.

For the most part, I’ve learned to be more patient with her. She is getting older and more tired which is why her rants may be getting fewer. She does have a lot on her plate right now. She is taking care of her step-mother’s affairs such as bills and expenses. She has to deal with the dramas of her sisters and just recently one of her sisters died in a car crash.

She has to deal with my father’s failing memory. Although, I believe on that count she is becoming more and more impatient and the way she treats him sometimes is just downright rude. Last night, he was having trouble getting one word out (the speech has gotten worse over the past 6 months to the point where he can’t put 3 words together) and she hit his face. Now, not a full on slap but just tapped his cheek. I think she saw the look of horror on my face and explained that sometimes, if he can’t get the words out, she will tap his face. I ask if she does this in public and the disgust must have been visibly apparent on my face because she didn’t answer and just turned away.

*sigh*

To wrap this up, my mother is not my best friend. My best friend died of cancer in January of 2006.

As of right now, in this time and place in my life, my mother is a relationship I keep at arms length and am very wary about. I do not confide in her alot, if at all and I do not let her see that I can break down. She no longer sees me cry and I have mastered the ability to be able to walk away when she starts to pick a fight with me, something that continues to happen to this very day.

I love the woman, I always will. But let me picture it this way….

Our relationship is like Regina and Cora’s from Once Upon a Time. Regina loved her mother, Cora, but Cora was an evil witch who used magic to manipulate Regina. Yet, Regina ALWAYS returns to the mother who has betrayed her numerous times.

That is me. I will always have loyalties to my mother, she almost died giving birth to me. But will I ever respect her and confide in her…no. She never gave hugs. Not once, ever, has she said “I love you” but states that her actions show it. M…kay….

She is who she is because of her past and I am who I am because of her past. That is how it will go from here until one of us is no longer on this earth. And when that happens, we will both be at peace with each other.

Can anybody out there interpret dreams?

Last night, I had a disturbing dream which involved a certain arachnid that you see pictured below, the Black Widow

Black Widow, courtesy of Wikipedia

I sure wished it was the Black Widow from The Avengers because I would take Natalia Romanova over this mini monster any day. But alas, this dream was not about a beautiful red-head but a deadly spider with a red hourglass. 

Note: I apologize for any of those who cringe at the picture I posted. I’m cringing just posting it but I needed visual to get my point across.

a-divider

The Dream: 

I don’t remember how it started. In fact a lot of it was hazy except the Black Widow part. This spider was HUGE. About as huge as the picture you see here….no, it was a lot bigger. It was so huge, I could see its fangs. The thing would not leave me alone. It kept biting me and in my dream, I could feel the pain of the bite.

However, I guess I was pulling it off quick enough each time to not give it time to inject its venom into me after each bite, because it bit me numerous times and I was still able to pull it off each time. It bit me on the hand, forearm, neck, forearm again. After pulling it off each time it would bite, it would pounce at me again like Super Ninja Spider. This thing hated me.

The last thing I remember is pulling it off with its fangs still in me (I could see its fangs IN my skin) and throwing it to my mother, who was also trying to get it off me. That was the end. 

a-divider

What is the significance of that? I assume the introduction of my mother trying to save me from the gargantuan Black Widow was the fact that, last night, before this dream, I confided in her my unwillingness to get up and go to work on Monday and being in a very bad state of depression that day. I was apprehensive about saying it but sometimes my lack of moral support leads me to just blurt out things which will, in turn, make me very vunerable.  The minute it came out of my mouth, I regretted. My mother tends to thrive on my vulnerability and uses it to either put me down or boast about how she never would have done something like that because she was the perfect mother….blah…blah…blah.

But she was not judgemental about it. In fact, her face showed, concern. She even admitted that she sometimes needed a day during raising myself, my sister and later my half-brother, to just rest and re-group. Whoa what? She actually was not Super Mom and admitted to being….wait for it…HUMAN?!

For once, in our relationship, I felt safe confiding in her and not cringing waiting for her put downs and judgements to start. It was just for that one moment though as I will not count on that happening again. I don’t trust her and still am vunerable with her knowing that I needed a break. I now get to see how long it takes before this is brought up again and used as a tool to put me down. It’s happened before, I wouldn’t be surprised.

But back to my lovely 8 legged friend. What the heck would make me dream of a super large Black Widow spider biting me, not just once  but multiple times and even targeting me for destruction? Maybe the apprehension I felt telling my mother something that would leave me vulnerable, as I was vulnerable to a 50 lb spider?

Or maybe this spider represented depression. I have not one person to confide in when I get into a state of depression. In terms of the dream, no one to tear the spider off and throw it to. No help with my inner “spider”.

Not my sister, she is to wrapped up in her own life of owning her condo and getting her degree to even offer an hour of her time to help me move boxes.

Not my father, I could never confide in him or even have a conversation with him in the past due to him asserting the “I am the authority ” role if I had an opinion other than his own. I just never tried to talk to him much. And now that alzheimer’s is setting in making him inable to speak a full sentence or remember anything past 5 minutes, I keep our interactions to a minimum.

And never my mother, she would throw my weakness back in my face with an example of how wonderful a mother she was and I just have to turn away because she has a MUCH different view of my childhood as it was not wonderful at all.

I know one thing is for sure. Whatever that spider represented, it was something that should be small (as a spider is small) yet, it was portrayed as something rather larger (as it was 5 times as big in my dream than a real spider should be).

That’s a bit frightening.

Depression almost won this battle….

But it’s a constant war.

The past few weeks I have not been feeling good.  

“are you tired, run down, and listless?"

“are you tired, run down, and listless?”

Why yes Lucy I am although I’m not sure a spoonful of Vitametavegamin will help….(one of my favorite episodes BTW). I had to insert some humor into this entry. But I am just plain exhausted.

It is mostly because of this move. The sadness that no one will help me move boxes, causing me to move them on my own, which I did and am done with thanks to a fantastic Boy who is my hero!  That kid is really turning out to be my best bud. I’m not longer the mother of a baby, toddler, or even little boy. He will be a tween soon enough.

I even got the “oh sorry, I’m to busy with school to help you” from my sister. Now, I understand, school can be tasking and take up a lot of time. However, if a loyal sister had enough time to spend a whole day watching Season 3 of The Walking Dead, a loyal sister can take 1 hour to help move boxes.

That one hurt me to the core as I realized, that my sister and I are just never going to be on the same page as I would have stopped all and made time to carve out an hour or two to help her. I’ve done it before, I am sad she couldn’t do that same.

Yesterday, I didn’t go to work. Mostly because I was exhausted, physically, which lead to mentally. I dropped The Boy off at school in the morning, came back home, watched Game of Thrones then slept from 9am until 2:30. I woke up in time to eat a little something, then pick up The Boy and was in bed at 10pm.

I.was.exhausted.

I can only rely on myself

I had a conversation with my mother on Wednesday afternoon which concluded with her bringing my dad and their SUV to help me move some 50+ boxes.

I should have known better.

I texted her earlier today to bring water when she came by but low and behold….she forgot. No, she didn’t forget the water. She forgot entirely that she was supposed to come over. Oh but she sure didn’t forget to record The Walking Dead on her DVR for my sister. Sometimes being the non-favorite daughter is maddening.

So, not only did she forget about coming over to  help me today  but she forgot the whole conversation we had on Wednesday. She then proceeded to blamed me because I have a busy schedule.

This is why I never ask for help and blame myself for thinking I can.

So now I am staring at the realization that I have 50+ boxes to move with my little VW Jetta.

I actually just moved about 40 boxes with a dolly and trips back and forth between the apartments. (I’m only moving from one unit to another in the same apartment complex)

I need a drink….

I guess I should ask Eeyore to help me move. I would probably get a better response from him.

No wonder I trust no one on this planet. I can’t even trust my own family.

Maybe Eeyore will help me move into my new apartment

I have boxes stacked all over my apartment. They are going up the walls, stacked high. I have not received one offer of help from anyone in my family.

Well, I lied. I realized that I could not physically move the big items such as my dining table, hutch, beds, and entertainment center. So I got my mother to ask her cousin if her son can help with the big items in 2 weeks. He was enticed with the offer of cash, which is no problem. He’s a good kid and always willing to work odd jobs for a few bucks. I respect that.

However, the boxes and all the little random items that are in shelves, cabinets and closets are all getting moved by myself and my 9 year old.

I’m so physically exhausted and a bit disappointed that neither my sister nor parents have offered one bit to help. Granted, the offer of help was mentioned in passing. Something along the lines of “oh we will help you with you the pathfinder (SUV) to move all the boxes.” But then my aunt’s funeral came around and I was put on the back burner, as is the normal process of my life.

Now, please don’t get me wrong. I am in no way blaming the funeral of my aunt. That was a hard loss for all of us. What I am saying is that this is always how it happens. I’m next in line to get SOME kind of attention from anyone in my family or anyone in general, then something else, of higher importance takes over. Whether it be a funeral, wedding or just my sister demanding for me to help her hook up with someone she had a huge crush on 8 years ago, through Facebook. Oh I helped her do that but never, in the process of helping her, did she offer to help me.

This is just the way my life has gone. I have never felt important to anyone. Not even my own mother. Everytime I call her, some random person in her family or something is pulling her attention away from the few moments I get. This could be selfish thinking on my part, I know. But it just seems that something is always more important that me in regards to the people who are supposed to love me.

a-divider

imagesCA6XTF4FThis may be why Eeyore is the 1st on a list of 4 of my favorite Disney characters. I can relate to Eeyore and the plight that he goes through. Eeyore is known for walking around with a dark, rainy cloud constantly following him and raining on him. He lives in his Gloomy Place in the Hundred Acre Wood.

He builds his house of sticks which gets knocked down by Winnie the Pooh  and Piglet because they thought his house was just a plain old pile of sticks (Metaphor: His belongings are not deemed important). Of course Pooh and Piglet re-built Eeyore’s Stick house. How nice of them.

I’ve connected with this character for as long as I can remember. My pin trading obsession started with a little Eeyore glittery pin. Then I decided I wanted every single Eeyore plushie on the planet and tried to achieve that:

Eeyores

Above is a photo of all my Eeyores and that photo is many years old. Granted, the obsession got expensive and I had to put my collection to a halt but it did grow after this photo. Those Eeyores are now in a plastic bag in my closet. I will take them out again some day. I do have my favorites still near me though.

I have been made fun of, per say, because of my “gloom” and “why does it always have to happen to me” attitude. I will admit, I have not taken on this attitude in a while as I try very hard, as of late, to remain positive and focused. But each bout of depression gets harder and harder to climb out of. The hole it resides in gets deeper and deeper and I find I’m clawing my way just to reach the light at the surface, only to be punched down again by some unseen circumstance or the utter feeling of loneliness.

I’m exhausted and tired. I’ve read of people being hospitalized because of actual physical exhaustion, but it is my heart that might get me hospitalized because my heart, is so tired. I don’t mean heart attack type tired. I just feel like its dormant, stagnant. Just there to keep me alive.

However, I definantly can’t be lying in a hospital. I have a kid to take care of.  I have to go to work or The Boy starves because I am the only bread-winner in our little family. I have to get up and keep the house or The Boy lives in squalor because there is no one else around to clean up for him. That kind of pressure is enough to make one collapse with guilt.

So just like Eeyore, I am still here. However, above me is the dark, gloomy and rainy cloud which constantly rains down its sorrows. I never see the sunshine. I don’t know the love of anyone special. I am alone and can only show The Boy how to NOT end up, as an Eeyore.

Hello darkness….my old friend…

Sadness, grief, regret.

So much regret.

I just found an old boyfriend on Facebook, someone I had been looking for, for a while. He is married, JUST married and now that ONE decision I made almost 13 years ago hit me so hard I burst into tears. Tears so hard that they stung my eyes. I’ve cried so much no more is coming out.

As I mentioned before, I am divorced, 9 years ago. The man I married, then divorced was one of two men I could have chosen.  He never loved me, he said that himself. He never even wanted to get married.

Needless to say I did not choose wisely.

Who was the other man you might ask?

Well the one I found FB just moments ago, married, smiling happily with his wife in their little profile photo.

Me? I’m all alone…not one friend. So fat and ugly that no one would care a snit about me.

This is the moment when I say fuck my life.

There is a moment, a split second when you realize everything won’t be ok. The “God has a plan” really seems like a bald face lie told by people who just don’t want to hear you whining anymore. Oh really? Then God’s plan is to ensure that I live the next 40+ years in the utter darkness of Lonelyville? Really? Then He can take me now…I’ll pass on that life.

There is no “plan” for the future. Just loneliness. A long dark road heading straight to loneliness.

Sometimes, I go back in time

Sometimes, I go back in time with my thoughts.

When I was younger, I adored The Cranberries. (This reminds me I must get their newest album). I worshiped them from about 17 years old. Their lead singer, Dolores O’Riordan, had a booming strong voice. The album cover pictured above was the first album of theirs I ever owned and had Linger on it. That song made me realize…I could sing. I idolized this little woman’s voice and her energy on stage.

I still listen and sing to The Cranberries CD’s in my car. Then the thoughts and memories run rampant.

My best friend, Michelle,  bravely battled cancer for 10 years, from age 19 until she lost her battle to it, at age 29.

Yes, 29.

I was there the moment she passed and it was, truly a miraculous experience to see the soul actually leave someone’s body and the body become just an empty shell. That is the only way that I can explain it.

She shared my love for The Cranberries. I went to their concert when I was 24 in Los Angeles and she was supposed to go with me, but she was already full into her cancer and constantly was sick from the medications so at the last minute, she couldn’t go. I ended up going with my husband at the time.

I love singing to The Cranberries in my car. I love remembering the posters I had of them in concert above my bed in my dorm room when I was in college that showed how vibrant and how much fun Dolores was on stage. I remember how young I was when I adored them. How much I wanted to be in a band and just sing my heart out while three handsome men played behind me.

I do not like how, sometimes listening to those songs, makes me miss my best friend so damn much. She would have gone on adventures with me to this day if her body had allowed her. She was always so adventuresome. And we shared our forever adoration and love for The Cranberries.

My favorite songs, to date, from The Cranberries were Zombie and Ridiculous Thoughts (posted below) featuring a very young Elijah Wood, pre-Frodo days.

Sometimes, I go back in time and I miss my youth. I miss the people I knew in my youth for I will never see some of those people again and it is with regret and sadness that I look back.

I will forever love The Cranberries though.

Each moment brings me closer out of this nightmare…

The stress level went from about a 6 to a 10 somewhere between 7am and 10am.

I’m already unnerved about the boy being on a Whale Watching field trip with his school. I’m sorry, but thinking of my crazy “bounce off the walls, LITERALLY” son on a boat in the middle of the ocean…does not sit well with me.

But no phones calls of disaster and it’s 2:30 in the afternoon so I think I can relax a bit.

The other stress maker was this move from one unit in my apartment complex to another. The hoops I’m having to jump through! *sigh* But its necessary I guess. Anyway, it just means I’m this much closer to getting settled into the new unit and this 2 month nightmare will be over! I still have to cancel all my utilities and set up the new ones. And by the Grace of God I was allowed to have the first month’s rent waived for the new unit since I’m a transfer and not coming in off the street. So the money stress part of it should be okay.

But ugh…. the fact that my life is all in boxes all around my house. And the cleaning!  I’m going to try and get that done within the next week or so to. I mean, I don’t keep a messy house at all but I will be cleaning top to bottom to get as much of my original deposit as I can. However, I doubt it since the carpet is a lost cause.  The boy spilled one to many glasses of orange juice.

But in all reality, I do love the apartment community I’m living in.  I think that is why I decided to stay and transfer to another fresh clean unit than just move out of the community entirely. The leasing office is super nice in answering all my questions and its rare you get customer service worth a till in anything lately. Kudos for them 🙂

I think my main stress is the moving part. Granted, I’m only moving literally feet from one unit to the other but its getting it all in boxes, getting beds disasembled and getting it settled into the new place. Oh and the cleaning. All of this, being done all by myself.

No I take that back. I can’t move my china hutch and dining room table by myself (I sold the sofa and will be getting a new one once I move in) so I got my cousins to help me with that in a few weeks. But everything else, I do myself.

But…this to shall pass…and I am glad to be moving into a fresh new unit.

Loneliness

I would like to take a step back and discuss loneliness.

I’m 36, as I think I’ve said before and 20 years ago I never would have imagined I would be as lonely in my current life as I am now. I mean, I know I have the boy and he’s great. But I have no friends.

And by NO friends I mean NOT ONE SINGLE friend. I mean, I have people online I talk to but they aren’t friends you call up and say “hey come over for dinner and lets play cards” or something like that.

I have ZERO friends.

It is sad really. And I’m kinda embarrassed to admit this. I don’t know of a single person who has not one friend. Now I did have friends in my past. One in particular, my best friend, the one who would have come over to play cards with me, died in 06 when we were 29 after her 10 year battle with cancer. (Screw that disease).

So the only friend that would have been that one true friend, which is what I was meant to have, died. Next in line was a husband who hated me, hence, was an a-hole to me, hence, the divorce was not far after the wedding. So I wasn’t going to have a husband/best friend there.

Then I became a mother and I just threw myself into being a mother kinda the way one can throw themselves into a bottle of bourbon. To forget.

I was trying to forget the fact that I had not one single friend.

9 years into motherhood and I still am stuck in the reality that I have not one single friend.

This makes me a sad panda and some days increases the depression.

However, on another note, I have noticed that because I’m a “plain jane” (I have trouble with makeup as it burns my eyes, same as contacts) I don’t attract anyone, but more specifically males as they are pretty much all about looks and rarely look past the cover.

*sigh* oh well

Look! There are my Marbles!

Friday is here. Just like any other Friday I guess.

I sip my coffee at my desk, then realize…I waited to long, its cold and into the microwave it goes. That happens a lot.

I have been VERY absent minded lately and I don’t like that because it is way out of my character. I am usually on top of everything going on with me, the boy and my schedule, on my 5 different calendars. (no joke…I have 5 active non-electronic calendars, meaning they are actual paper calendars).

I have an apartment move to make, I have a mini road trip next weekend and Seaworld, I have a birthday party to plan…I have lost my marbles!

Oh wait..there they are….

Moving on…I will be seeing Oz the Great and Powerful this evening.

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The boy really wants to see this and that is not like him. Last movie we saw in the theatres was Avengers and he barely made it through that one. He can’t really sit still for that long in a theatre. Although, we did watch Wreck it Ralph at the drive-in. That was a bit better for him. If he wasn’t traumatized by my car battery dying and him thinking that we were stuck at the drive-in for all of the rest of our living days.

Yeah, the boy is a Drama King

…..you can blame my genes for that.

So our servers are all down at my office today and I’m stuck…well doing nothing. Literally, I can do nothing but my box of shredding which is done. All my work is done on the computer and if the servers are down, all files and drives are inaccessible. Hence, I do nothing.

So I’m on my phone looking at my FB when I see a link to this: Best Marriage Proposal ever!

Seriously, how does someone love someone SO much to do something like THIS! I’m definitely not knocking it. I just find it hard to believe that this kind of gallantry exists. I know the one man I did get to marry me never loved me. And I never ventured out after that because that whole disaster just tore my heart and the hopes of ever finding any male to love me flew right out the window.  I gave up on that a long time ago.  Hence, I’ve lived a lonely non-relationship life for the past 10 years and counting.

But one thing I CAN do is teach the boy that, if you love someone THAT much and it feels right in your gut…you will want to do the video above. I know that I did not have any good gut feelings when I got married, and they were correct because my gut knew that man didn’t love me. All I had was hope that my gut was wrong..but really when are the gut feelings EVER wrong.

So learn that my boy! Trust the gut! Oh and keep the gut small because apparently humans are VERY visual and can see nothing past the cover of the book. Another reason why, I have been non-relationship for the past 10 years and probably will for the next…oh rest of my life.

Plain Jane’s get left in the dust….

Come….follow me down the rabbit hole…

So I am gathering a following….tell me my friends…do you pick blue or red?

Blue or Red?

Red? Ok…here we go…

I’m a single mother, 36, so everything you see posted here, the hockey games, skating, Universal Studios visits, Disneyland visits, I do all by myself with the boy.

The boy is my son, he is 9.

I work Monday – Friday 8-5 at an office.

I do not have a husband as the last one I had and divorced 9 years ago not only confessed he never loved me (why did he marry me then?) but has never wanted to see his son. He hasn’t seen him since he was 1 year old….no Christmas cards, no birthday cards…do not pass go….do not collect $200. The father of my child can rot in hell for all I care.

BUT I love my child and that is the only thing that I thank his father for…nothing else.

Sometime, I just want to sit in front of my computer playing World of Warcraft and eating pizza….I do the former…the latter…I must stop because I’m trying to lose weight.

Any other questions just ask!

When I realized…I don’t

So I saw this from my FaceBook feed today

GI Joe Movie/Real Heroes

And people can send in their pictures of their own real heroes. Great photos, some have their parents or someone in the military.

Then I thought, I have not ONE hero, well that is human and personal to me, like a parent or sibling or something. I guess I have God but no one human or in my life.

This thought made me sad. I really look up to no one in my life nor hold anyone in high esteem.

Sheesh, I hope my son gets a hero in his life because realizing I don’t have one was depressing.

Happy Friday!

Epiphany time…

It hit me ….what i’m feeling. Its the feeling of not having ANYTHING to look forward to. I guess that would be in the same boat as Hopelessness.

I have no friends, I’m the biggest I’ve ever been in my life and I just go to work, pick up the boy, go home, go to bed, and repeat.

Its pathetic. My life could have been SO much more different, if I just made ONE…just ONE choice different.

Hello, Loneliness…please have a seat

Sometimes, Lonely and his friends Sadness and Pain come to join me. I try to close my door to them but they shove their way in like theives in the night.

I find it so amusing that when I think back of myself at aged 24, Bride at a wedding, in a marriage that I knew would end of divorce…I don’t know who that woman was!

So I feel I should welcome my new friends. I mean, I did kind of bade them to come in…if I had made better choices. They would find someone else to bother.

But my Pastor says one is never lonely with Jesus by their side. I welcome Jesus to. He may be better company, in fact I know that He is better company.

Will always be alone

I just recently had the epiphany that I will never ever find love. I believe a person like me either doesn’t deserve it or just can’t have it.

It was a terrible thing to realize when it did finally hit me…so terrible that if I had a gun in my hand..the despressional state this realization put me in would have sent me over the edge and I wouldn’t have been typing this.

I’m still getting over realizing it.

oh there you are, sanity!

Today, I got up from crying and walking 2 hours on the streets from devastation and came back to this place where I’m supposed to finish my 2 weeks. Then be thrown back out into the world of searching for a job.

I came in and did not but send out my resume and look for a job. I don’t understand why they want me for two weeks just so I can sit here and use their internet but oh well.

I have a few routes that look a little better than my last bout with being jobless. But still it is enough to make me be done with it all.