I guess now would be as good a time as ever to write up the world’s longest update post.
The end of 2013 is proving to be full of twists and turns and even loop holes. I will break it down into a few different sections, more to satisfy my OCD than anything else. So without further adieu, the last few months of my existence, broken down into categories and in no particular order, (I warned you all about my OCD right?).
There is never an easy or 1, 2, 3 type divorce. Although I will admit, my divorce 10 years ago went as much in my favor as it could have, especially compared to other divorces. However, I knew the day would come when I would have to dish out another chunk of money to get what I needed. That day has come.
As of this week, I borrowed a nice chunk of money from my parents and I have put down a huge retainer to re-hire my previous divorce attorney to re-open my case from 2005. The decision to do this was prompted because I realized that my ex-husband makes a lot more money now than he did back in 2005 and I make a lot less than I did back in 2005.
My attorney, after roughly looking at our incomes, feels I should be getting double of the child support that I’m currently receiving. The main thing going against my ex-husband is that he has 0% time with The Boy. He hasn’t seen him in almost 9 years. I am 100% full custodial parent, therefore, all expenses, on a 24/7 basis, come out of my pocket.
If all goes well, instead of $496 monthly child support I currently get, my attorney is going to see I get close to $1300 a month.
That amount is according to my yearly income and my ex-husband’s yearly income. That number is not me wanting to clean my ex out….it is based on our incomes, nothing more.
That is how much MORE he makes than me, yet I have The Boy 100%.
Sounds friggin’ fair to me!!!
Rose Smith: Money. I hate, loathe, despise and abominate money.
Mr. Alonzo Smith: You also spend it.
—Quoted from “Meet Me in St. Louis”
Money can prove to be another love/hate relationship that I have developed. I hate that life in general depends on it. For the past few months, I’ve been seriously living paycheck to paycheck, as I’m sure all of America is. However, my last resort is moving back in with my parents and in all honestly, I would rather slit my wrists that do that again. Nothing against them, we just cannot live together, it can’t happen.
I also hate that I don’t have enough money to enjoy life. And don’t tell me “oh you can enjoy life without money”. It’s a lie. Sure I can go for a walk or take The Boy to a park but does it cost gas to drive anywhere? Yup. And maybe the walk would cost nothing, until someone gets hungry or wants ice cream.
Then, don’t get me started on how I can’t keep food in my fridge at all. Remember, I eat nothing. Some nights, my dinner consists of a bowl of corn flakes or 2 hard boiled eggs. That kid is eating me out of house and home and still demands more.
That is why I am taking my ex-husband back to court (see above). I mean sure I could live in the ghetto and my kid could go to the worst school in the state but I’m going to try everything I can to keep off of welfare and keep out of the ghetto. Call me a snob if you want but that is just how I was raised. No free hand outs and all options must have been tried before it becomes dire straits.
It all keeps adding up though. My car also needs about $1000 of work done and I have the warning lights popping up left and right. I need all new tires as the ones I have are apparently balding. I need new brakes and a couple of other things. But it all added up to well over $1000.
I’m hoping that I can squeeze as much out of my tax refund in February as I can to pay back my parents for the divorce attorney retainer and get my car fixed and then, that leads me to…
As I posted back in October, my cat spent three nights in the hospital due to Kidney failure and dehydration. They were able to get him into much better shape and I took him home. Since then, I’ve gone out of my way every month to get his supply of Renal LP food directly from the vet and he has been doing fine. I was told he might need about $600 of dental work done at a later date.
The past few days, he has been doing the gagging thing while he eats, again. I believe it is due to his teeth. I was hoping, being that he is 5 years old and half way through his life, I would be able to get through the next 5 or so years with no problems. That is what I get for thinking.
There is no way I can afford another $600 of dental work and the two credit cards I have are already maxed out what with having to squeeze money from my ass to pay for my divorce attorney. I am no longer getting approved for any more credit so I’m at my credit card cap.
I’m going to play it by ear and try and mush up his food as best as I can to get him to eat without gagging. He also needs to learn not to scarf down his food, even though he is an animal, he can’t eat like one or he chokes. I’m hoping just mushing his food and giving him little bits will help him eat slower. But he is a stubborn cat….if he starts to associate the food with him gagging, he won’t go near it and he can’t, nor will he, eat any other store brand food. The food I give him now is a vet prescription for his Renal failure. He could go back to starving himself again.
I don’t even want to think about losing that cat…damn him…I love him so much.
Meh, the end of November/beginning of December was tough. I didn’t exercise much because of Thanksgiving cutting into my routine and of course Thanksgiving provided plenty of food to eat but I tried to steer clear of carbs and just eat turkey, lots of turkey.
Then the week after Thanksgiving, my lower back when out and I got the flu. I was out of work for 2 days last week. I just need a really long deep tissue massage because the amount of stress and pain that is piercing my back and neck daily is almost enough to make me scream. But how much does a massage cost? and oh..that’s right, I have NO husband to lightly rub my back for me so, a simple massage is in my dreams. I’m still waking up with no strength in my lower back to even sit up. I also believe alot of it is my sciatica because the twinging pain goes down both my legs pretty much all day. I’m just living with it.
So day by day I endure the physical pain and just smile and nod so everyone thinks I’m holding it together when in essence, I just want to rip my spine out and pop it back into place.
But that takes me into….
Ah, here is another part of my daily existence I have to constantly be thinking about. I must monitor all that goes into my pie hole. Actually, I don’t mind doing that and the My Fitness Pal app really helps out with monitoring food intake versus exercise output. It is when I lack exercise that I start to feel my muscles that I’ve worked so hard on developing, start to deflate like a pierced balloon.
However, I have managed to maintain my weight and the total loss of 62 lbs. I’ve gained nothing even though I haven’t been on the appetite suppressants for over a month and haven’t been to visit the clinic for the injections due to me needing to pay a balance to start up another 10 weeks of visits. So in essence, I can do it on my own. But I still have at least 30 more to lose before I get to the “on my own completely” point with only visits to the clinic for the vitamin injections and maintenance. However, I just bought a size 8 pair of pants making me officially down 10 pants sizes since April, from a size 18 to the now size 8.
And guess what? According to the BMI charts, I’m still in the “Obese” category so apparently a size 8 is obese. The BMI charts can kiss my size 8 ass.
I broke down and paid for a membership on Christian Mingle.com
I haven’t been on there long enough to really establish my opinions about it but on the surface, it seems like there are a lot less crazies there than Match or any of those free places. Those free sites are scary. Uh, yeah…I think my opinion is starting to become established. So called “Christian”‘ men are just as much ass holes and jerks as any other man, if not worse.
I really just can’t move in a positive direction in the dating category. I have a condition that doesn’t allow me to deal well with men who are sarcastic, egotistical and want only one thing. Then throw in someone who thinks they are better than you in every way, and I’m done.
I have better things to do.
One of my favorite movies
I really can’t put my finger on what kind of relationship I have with The Boy. There are parts of his personality that are coming out that I really do not like. He argues way to friggin’ much. He also gets way to moody and in a stinky attitude if he doesn’t get his way. I’ve taken to just sending him to his room when he gets the pouting face and stinky attitude if he doesn’t get what he wants. I don’t even want to see him. Then, minutes later, he comes out all wanting hugs and cuddles and I’m like “really kid?”. I’m telling you, he is bipolar.
Then again, he comes from me and I’m riding the roller coaster of emotions sometimes. However, ungratefulness is something I won’t tolerate and I think I spoil him. He is becoming greedier and greedier each Christmas and that just doesn’t sit well with me. It reflects off of me and makes me look pretty bad. But I have to remember, I am fighting more “Nature” than anything and he still has his father’s assholery genetics. I spend a lot of my energy trying to erase genetics and that may be a losing battle.
But damn did I make a good looking human. My kid is so handsome!
Ah, my family. I find it truly interesting to love and despise someone, at the same time. My mother, I just don’t know what to feel about her sometimes. I think I need to just makes friends with the fact that it is just what it is. She and my father took money out of my father’s retirement to give to me to retain my divorce attorney (see above) and if I hadn’t been given that money I wouldn’t have been able to move forward with changing my child support. For that, I love them both.
But sometimes, she just needs to learn to keep her mouth shut. However, in her defense, we all kind of do. I know I tend to have foot in mouth disease on occasion.
My sister, she is on the losing weight bandwagon now which is an even bigger motivation for me to stay at a weight below her. She has also joined a medical clinic as I have and takes the appetite suppressants and tries to cut out carbs. She has lost about 10 lbs so far. I really hope that this is the breaking point for her as it has been for me. I hope that she tells herself to never go back and sure, we may falter and eat one to many pieces of pizza but we get back on track. She needs to get a hold of her body more than me because her weight really brings her down desperately and she really becomes very scary to be around and her depression becomes palpable.
We cancelled the Montana trip on Christmas week to visit my other sister. It was going to be to expensive and time consuming and I really couldn’t take that much time off work but more importantly, there was NO way I was taking a 3 day/3 state driving trip with my mother, father and sister. I would have run us off the road just to end the anguish.
I have moments where I feel I have failed at just about every aspect of my life. I failed at my marriage 10 years ago. I failed at being able to support my child and myself financially because I’m living paycheck to paycheck and sometimes not even with enough in a paycheck. I feel I’ve failed to work on myself so that I could attract a decent male to accompany me in this journey of life. I really think there is just something wrong with me which is why I don’t have a man. It’s not my weight because I don’t have that issue anymore. I thought I was just plain ugly which could still be the case but maybe, I just have a rotten personality, which is why I attract absolutely no one which explains why I don’t have a husband or friends. Or it could be that men are jerks (see Dating section above).
I’m not confirming that is the case, I’m just throwing out theories because I just don’t know but this is where the depression stems from.
I’m going to be brutally honest here but, sometimes, I get so lonely that if there was a sharp object or even gun around, I can say that I would not be writing this post at all…it would be over. I think it comes to that point because of the type of person I am. I crave affection and human touch. I haven’t had an adult hug me, that wasn’t my parents or sisters, in the past 10 years.
DID YOU READ THAT…10 YEARS! It’s like my soul is dying inside of this shell of flesh I walk around in. But I don’t give in because I just keep thinking, “Who would take care of my son”. I mean if something did happen to me, my sister would step forward and even though we disagree on a lot, there are aspects of raising children we do agree on and I can trust to her follow my footsteps. But I wouldn’t be there.
Damn Satan and his invention of Depression.
But then I move onto…..
Things I’m looking forward to….
Christmas, although this year, I really haven’t been feeling the cheer of it all. Mainly that is because of the lack of funds for all the big things The Boy wants but then I get annoyed at his greediness and selfishness sometimes. But it could also be because I’m just plain alone. I have no one to share any of the season with, other than The Boy but that is not the same. I put up all my decorations all alone and I sit, each night, looking at my tree, all alone. It all really just makes me so depressed.
However, I do love this season. I love that it gets cold (even though, as I get older I realized the cold does a nasty number on my bones). I love seeing all the decorations and lights go up on houses and driving at night to see them.
There are also some fantastic movies coming out. Saving Mr. Banks is #1 on my must see list, along with The Hobbit and Madea’s Christmas. I enjoyed Thor immensely and really like the whole storyline and the tie up with all the Avengers and Shield. Yeah, I’m a nerd like that but I love it.
I also saw Frozen and actually really enjoyed it. My favorite character was Olaf, the talking snowman who likes warm hugs and longs to spend a day warm in the sun on the beach…poor delusional snowman. There was one scene where he had me laughing long after the scene was over. I haven’t laughed like that in so long it felt good. I loved him so much, the next day I went to the Disney outlet and got me an Olaf plushie of my own. I give him warm hugs.
Ah yes, that omnipresence that hovers over me telling me not to give into sin and temptation yet insists I endure day after day of temptaion and sin topped with lonely heart ache. The Good Lord is also turning out to be another love/hate relationship with me. I will never understand why He thinks my life of loneliness will ever prompt me to want to follow Him fully and purely, but on the other hand, I still do.
It’s also apparent that even though I’ve lost enough weight to be down 8 sizes He makes a point to show me that the weight wasn’t the problem. The fact that I’m pretty much the plainest and to put it simply, ugliest person on the planet, keeps me from ever getting rid of my life of loneliness. Of course, in all of this I’m using satire (so don’t start telling me I have some sort of self perception disorder) to get the point across but the point is, God wants me to be alone.
Thanks God. Let’s just come to terms with the fact that You’ve pretty much left me to rot in a sea of loneliness and even though You’ve made sure to flaunt every single happy couple in front of me during this lonely holiday season, I will still follow You because it’s better to be lonely in this life of flesh than burning for eternity in the Lake of Fire.
Last but not least…
I found one thing that I do very well. Getting old
On Dec 2nd I turned 37 years old. Big Friggin’ Deal is what I say. I am not growing old gracefully and hate that my youth is being wasted away in these lonely, terribly lonely years I have to look forward to. So my birthday is just a reminder of the day that this lonely life of mine began. I could care less about it.
I think that all just about covers it.