Time is a cruel thing

As I reach the mid of my 40th year on this Earth, I realize that youth is no more.  I could still feel those rare remnants of it in my late 20’s or maybe I just didn’t recognize that time was marching on because I was stuck in the drama that was my life.  I did still feel it in my mid-thirties but that was due to weight loss.  I’m fat again never to be thin like I was 3 years ago due to many different health reasons, so youth….is disappearing.

20120422-142821My body is failing me.  I will soon be developing either degenerative disc disease or arthritis in my spine which pretty much keeps me from any of the weight lifting and hardcore cardio on the elliptical I did 3 years ago.  My thyroid is shutting down causing said fatness and I feel like an ugly round butter bean.  I was on such a high, 3 years ago. But the higher you climb, the harder you fall and psychically, I fell long and hard with no sight of getting back to where I was in sight

I only have memories, memories of a time where I could breathe, literally.  Memories of when I could smile.  I could smile even THROUGH the vast loneliness that consumed me, even while looking my best.

Youth is gone…..

I was just told by my mother a few days ago that the Frontal Temporal Disease my father of 64 had, is now full fledged Alzheimer’s.  This is something that began developing when he was 57…..57!   His brain, after a recent scan and compared to the last scan done 3 years ago, shows the signs of dark voids that most MRI scans of Alzheimer patients will show.

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Not the actual scan but this is a good comparison

This both pisses me off and makes me sad.  My father has done nothing but work and work and work to stay with my mother, to uphold her standards of living, to keep us, since I was a child 40 years ago.  He didn’t divorce or leave her because he didn’t want to lose my sister and I as he lost his two children before from his previous marriage. Now I won’t claim to know all the reasoning behind his life with her. I only know what I see on the outside. And granted, his previous wife was a bitch from hell and took his kids (my older brother and sister) but that is neither here nor there.

His quality of life is no longer.  His youth is most definitely gone.  He can no longer speak or interact.  He does not react well to being outside his room where he just sits and watches T.V.  As of lately, it seems his brain can’t process small types of crisis such as, “I have the slight urge to go to the bathroom but I’m not dying” but his brain says “if I don’t go to the bathroom now, I’ll lose my mind and wail and scream“….the wailing and screaming he is starting to do more. That is very hard to see.  My mother, is diving into a pool of depression and frustration that she really isn’t becoming a good caretaker and the burden falls on my sister and I, but mostly my sister, who is starting to lose her own mind.  I sense that especially after a tear filled weeping conversation I had with her on the phone.  That is abnormal because this is a person who NEVER shows emotion and when I mean never…I mean…I have NEVER seen her cry past maybe once or twice in her 35 years of life.  The weight my mother puts on her/us and then how she repays us with ugly words and treating us like crap….I have little respect for her, very little.  She gave me life….and that is the extent of the decency I will show her.

I sometimes wonder, if this is God’s cruel idea of a joke

I don’t smile anymore…

I don’t smile anymore…not that I ever really did much of that in my lonely life.

There is no need.  There is nothing to smile about. Nothing to have hope for. I go to work, go home, deal with a kid who has the motivation of a soft boiled egg, play a wizard kiddie game on my computer, go to bed, rinse and repeat.  Nothing.

I’m getting old.  My body is failing me, slowly.  I can feel it.  It’s becoming harder to breathe, it’s becoming harder to move and with no adult human interaction in my life (and I mean that LITERALLY) or any laughter or joy of any kind, it’s becoming harder to just plain live through a day.

I gave up my whole life to be born to the woman I was born to and deal with her other daughter and I’m to tired for their loud drama.  I just want to tell them to shut up, I don’t care.

I gave up my adult life to raise a kid, by myself,while his father went to have a party.  And now said kid is turning out to be everything I can’t stand in a person.  He is like his father in so many way despite not even knowing him for a moment in his whole life.  He can be emotionless, caring for no one’s feelings.  Just dead inside to any drop of humanity.  It’s disgusting.

I fight back crying uncontrollably every waking moment of my existence and I’m ready for it to end.

A Glitch in the weight loss Matrix….do you wish to re-boot?

There was a HUGE glitch in the Matrix….

After going through my painful ordeal, the exercise stopped and the eating started.  All I did was lie down, dormant, stuffing my face with fast food. Blegh…..

I gained 25 lbs from my lowest weight.

I is a Sad Panda

sad panda

But that’s ok.  I’m on the road to recovery and in a better place mentally for it.

I started the low carbs diet, reduced calorie intake and jumped back on the treadmill for 30 minute medium paced walking sessions, 4 times a week.

Last week I started at 195 lbs.  Today, I’m down 3 lbs.

I’m determined to keep that scale going in the right direction.  Because not only is it for health and looks, but it’s for my back.  Apparently, as my herniated disc so skillfully told me, my spine can’t take being severely overweight.  So unless I want to end up back in Painville, I lose and maintain the health.

I run because I hate my body…..

If anyone has every ventured onto the Network TLC they may recognize the show “My 600 lb Life”. These stories are sad yet so true. The torment that goes on with someone who struggles with weight and relationships with food can be devastating. And it is a life long struggle, not a quick fix….life f-ing long

I am one of them. No, I didn’t have 300+ lbs to lose….only about 100 at the most. After two years of constantly monitoring what I put into my face, after two years of working out regularly (meaning 3-4 times a week), after two years of yelling at the donuts and bread bowls that literally prance their irresistibility at me, I’m steady at a 65-70 lb loss. Maintaining it is the worst, let alone trying to lose the last 30 to get to 100 lbs total lost.

I now understand why thin and fit people don’t eat and why exercise is a daily part of their daily routine. It HAS to be. It literally HAS to be. That is unless, one is magically born with metabolism faster than the speed of light. I never adopted that ability and as I get older, my metabolism dwindles to the speed of grass growing.

However, do not think that I am in any way complaining. In fact, it is the quite opposite. Losing this much weight and changing living habits and food choices has shown a whole different side of myself I never knew in my 38 years of being on this planet.

7ea8ded7acfc79dbc93c538b291d7e18So to explain the title of this post, “I run because I hate my body” yes, that is true. I hate my body. I hate and I’m so MAD at the gene pool I was given. This pool is filled with obesity, diabetes, cancer, alcoholism, Alzheimer’s and many more of the life threatening ailments that can kill a person. I fight genetics daily or at least try to because there are some things that I can’t help. But what I CAN help…I will do my best to help. I yell at the donuts that are by my coffee pot at work. I muster all my energy to go on that 2 mile run each day and find the tools to make it just a bit easier…..but only just a bit.

One of those tools is a wonderful app that I’ve discovered called Zombies Run!  unnamedCA3G3JZCThis has to be the best migration of making exercise an actual GAME. It’s like the gamer’s dream come true! Well it was THIS gamer’s dream come true anyway. But go look …..you’ll see what I mean. I use that app on every run I go on and evade the Zombies as I go. It was the best $3.99 I’ve spent in the Google Play store…ever!

Another tool I use from this modern world age of technology is Fitness Pal.unnamedCA6ELWCV  It is a calorie counter and if I’ve learned only one thing on this journey it is that if one were to monitor every single thing put into their mouth….one would realize how much junk is going into their body. It really is an eye opener.

However, I think after these two years, it’s nice to know that I am a runner…even though I thought I wasn’t. I’m up to running for up to 10 minutes at a time. Granted, it is more of a jog at about 4.0 pace but I’m telling you, that Zombies Run! Game helps! Every once in a while, Zombies will chase me and I have to speed it up and I pick up necessary supplies for my base camp as I run. Helps to keep motivation at it’s highest and helps the time go by faster, that is for sure.

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But basically ….this….all in good humour!

I will continue to try and lose the last 30 lbs to get to my goal weight but for now.  I don’t think I want to ever see 250 lbs again…ever…..ever.

Of course, I’m still attending to and raising The Boy.  He has now switched from wanting to play Hockey to now wanting to start Baseball.  I got him into a Little League just last week and he starts in March.  I live to serve that kid…..brat!  Naw…I would do anything for that….brat! Ha! He’s my world!

I’m not dating, nor do I think I ever will.  I have come to realize that, apparently, a woman who is the following is not attractive to men at all:

1) A women who would rather go to a Lord of The Rings Movie AND knows all the lore and back story than make a man go shoe shopping AND hold her purse, is not attractive.

2) A woman who would rather play video games on the Xbox One is not attractive.

3) A woman who is not that bad looking and now has a pretty good body is not attractive.

I have just pretty much described myself.  I am such a geek/gamer “know all the history of The Walking Dead, Marvel characters AND most video games” woman that I even blow my own mind! Go ahead, ask me anything about Legend of Zelda.  I don’t care how it looks!

It is incredible that I haven’t snatched up some guy.  Nope…apparently men like the ditzy blondes with big boobs (even though I can claim that to…) and no brains (that is something I will never claim though).  If that is the case, they shouldn’t complain when that ditzy blonde makes you go shoe shopping.  I guess they will do what ever other man (and woman to for that matter) will do…cheat.

So no, I will never date….because apparently, I’m TO much of a geek.  I guess?

And this……………Gamestop………….is SOOO true.  But I swear male heads explode when I say I ALSO am a Pro Rewards Member…..sheesh…..

I would like to close this post with one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite movies.

League of their own quote

“The idea of Summmer…and all things….HOT…”

Yeah, I just couldn’t think of a title but oh how much I love that Snowman!

If you are reading this, you might want to make sure you have the time and grab a coffee and pull up a chair.  This might be a long update.

So, this morning, I drop off The Boy at before care and the room is all dark and every single child is staring at the tv and singing along to our favorite Snowman….

I proudly announced that his voice and that “Summer” song is my ring tone…I have no shame!  I love that Snowman!

Happy Anniversary!  You registered on WordPress.com 1 year ago! Thanks for flying with us. Keep up the good blogging!

Yes, it has been 1 year that I’ve had this WordPress blog open. It doesn’t seem that long yet, it kinda does. I think that may be because of the massive amount of writing I’ve put into this thing and how much of my life history I’ve revealed.

4th Grade Project

THearstCastle-712894his month is 4th grade project month.  Apparently, 4th graders are no longer tied down to doing just a Mission located here in California.  At least my kid’s school isn’t requiring a California Mission.  We get to choose any California landmark we desire.  I decided….oh I mean THE BOY….decided Hearst Castle in San Simeon, CA.  How the HELL I’m going to make a model of this thing now has me worried that I may have bit off more than I can chew…but it’s THE BOY’s project…right? It doesn’t reflect at ALL on me..right?

Wrong….

But regardless, I will try to create the front of the Castle, some trees in front then the Neptune Pool.  The pool I already have an idea of how it’s going to be made.  It’s the Castle I’m worried about.  But supply shopping will soon commence at the Walmart and Micheals.

It’s due May 7, so I have a good month to do this….ahem..I mean THE BOY has a good month to do his project…

Weight

I’m still, miraculously, losing weight.  There are ups and downs.  I got on the scale one week and gained 8 lbs, then got on it again the next week and lost the 8 and a few more.  So it’s hard to gauge what will happen but it doesn’t matter.  As long as I can still run on that treadmill, breathe when going up stairs and fit into a size 8.

And that I NEVER see that scale tell me 245 lbs ever again.

I have not visited the clinic nor got an injection for a month now.  I’ve also been completely off the appetite suppressants.  However, I may return to the clinic and pay off the last $200 for another 10 weeks soon.  After, that 10 weeks, if I’m diligent, that should be it for me on losing the initial weight.  Then it’s maintenance from here until I die.  So I will continue to remain 95% carb free, for the rest of my life.  I will constantly monitor portions and make better choices.  I will forever keep my exercise level high.

LilySlim - (hgaY)

But as of this date, I have lost a total of 71 lbs. That is more than what The Boy weighs!  And, I’m not longer in the “Obese” section of the BMI charts. I’m simply “overweight” now…..

So apparently a size 6/8 and looking like this….is overweight.  But hey, at least I’m not “Obese” anymore!

Yeah...I hate selfies...ugh...

Yeah…I hate selfies…ugh…

Family

Well surprise surprise!!..…a family member has officially been cut off and guess what.…IT ISN’T ME!

In the past it would have been me considering some of the crap I’ve pulled.  But it isn’t, (BTW, the relationship between myself and my mother is GREATLY improved.  She still sometimes says things that I have to roll my eyes at but I’m able to do just that and it’s all good).

My aunt, my mother’s sister, is officially cut off, monetarily and emotionally, with anything to do with myself, my sister and our mother and father.  There will no longer be any interaction between us and her.  If she has the gall to call my mother up on the future asking for money or whatever, my mother has been instructed by myself and my sister that she is to not answer the phone, lest she desires to feels our wrath.

Believe me when I say that this decision was tossed around a lot and has lots of merit behind it.  My aunt has burned her last bridge with these latest shenanigans she pulled.

My mother’s other sister, has also cut their sister off in the capacity listed above.  I am actually not going to go into detail because, even though it included a possible legal battle and my aunt just being a manipulator and pathological liar, it is very convoluted and honestly, to embarrassing to even admit here.Who opened the closet

I know one thing is for sure regarding my family.  I am REALLY sick and tired of new “skeletons” that keep coming out of our family closet every so often.  With this new debacle, even more skeletons have come out and honestly, I don’t know who or WHAT to believe anymore.

I’m just glad that my son isn’t near some of the “skeletons” and I just want to be done with it all.

I so desire to shake my family tree of all its skeletons and bury their bones forever.

Divorce

Life will always continue to surprise me and people surprising me is no exception.  As my aunt has surprised us all by betraying the family, my ex-husband surprised me to the point of humility.

Wait…does anyone know what temperature it is in HELL!?

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So, back in December, I decided I needed to go back to court to get the ex to pay a bit more child support only because, according to our current incomes, he should be paying about $400 more a month.  So I got that started, got my previous attorney to work on it and got it filed.  Earlier this week, my attorney tells me that my ex got his own lawyer and wants to negotiate….ugh.

I think the worst. I mean what is there to negotiate?! If he thinks he can weasel back into The Boy’s life after 8 years of nothing just so he can pay less in child support….screw that!  I know that is the worst possible scenario, but that is where my mind went and, apparently, it didn’t need to.

Long story short, I spoke with my ex yesterday and he agrees to all that I have requested, which is the higher monthly child support payment and the $600 he owes me from a washing machine we bought back when we were married that he was ordered to pay and never did.

I think my jaw literally fell to the floor.

Am I being tricked?

Is he lying?

Did I land in Bizzarro World?!?!

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Well, no I don’t believe he is lying.  I think he knows that if it goes to court, a judge would “hand him his ass on a platter” as a new friend of mine so poetically and precisely put it.  I would assume, he is just laying down the sword and realizing his defeat.

I know that gloating and pride are not qualities that God promotes and being a women of faith I would rather not gloat but I have to say that for the first time in 10 years, I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted off me and that this particular fight is just about over and I may have won.  Now, I won’t be so naïve as to think that something else might not come up as life has many plot twists but my ex only has 8 more years to be obligated to pay child support and I believe that this issue of an increase might come up one more time before the 8 years are up, but until then, I am the victor.

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So that ended rather amicably and a HUGE weight has been lifted off me because this Boy is getting SUPER expensive what with torn jeans every few weeks, new shoes every month and hockey gear…I barely have money to get myself $1.99 Suave shampoo!

Miscellaneous

  • I miss Disneyland visits so much.  I don’t see a renewal of a pass anytime in the future.
  • The Walking Dead, Season 4 is over…and if you don’t know what I’m talking about, that’s ok.  If you do and haven’t seen it…don’t get mad at me when I say I would turn into EXACTLY  the same kind of person Rick has turned into.  And yes, I would have ripped that guys throat out with my teeth…if he was attacking my kid and double yes, I would have stabbed my kid’s would be attacker 50 million times.  Rick did exactly what I would have done, to protect my child.
  • New Season of Game of Thrones starts Sunday!
  • So! Who is taking me to go see Captain America! The Boy doesn’t want to see it but I do! Who’s coming with me?!?!

SHOUT OUT!

Lastly, I would like to give a shout out and I hope that this person doesn’t mind me giving him a shout out.

At one point in my life, just after losing my best friend, I honestly thought that God did not intend for me to develop any kinds of friendships.  I couldn’t find anyone that matched the connection that she and I had.  I believe that we were soul mates but not in the romantic sense.  More in a sisterly bond sense, yet we shared not one drop of blood.

However, along the way I have run into some truly fascinating people who are genuine, kind and willing to make a connection.  Some have stuck around in my life (cue in a wonderful couple who live up north who I think are the best EVER! And yes, I will give Elder Scrolls a chance).  But for the most part, it’s been a lonely life that I have built many walls around.  So, to make a new friend is a huge positive for me.

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I would just like to tell this person, and you know who you are, thank you SOOO much for giving me a chance, being patient and breaking down the walls I’ve built up around me.  I know that as individuals, we run into many people on a daily basis, not knowing anything about them.  We affect them by our actions and you have affected me tremendously.  You are the positive friendship that my little weak faith needed, in God and in people.

Thank you so much for listening to me this past week.  You have NO idea how just being able to get things off my chest has helped me.  I greatly appreciate all the effort you’ve put into getting to know me.  You are a truly blessed person and the friendship we are building is important to me.

And with that, until the next time, that is all for now.

thCABOMA63

Weight loss update and a trip to the E.R.

It’s turning into a monthly weigh in update, even though I am weighing in every week.

I have been at this for almost a year (May).  I’m officially in a size 8 and what I find funny is that according to the BMI charts, I guess a size 8 is considered OBESE because I’m STILL in the OBESE range of the BMI charts.

Those charts can kiss my ass.

Anyway, I really don’t even remember what I felt like this time last year, kind of.  I know what I looked like because I’ve seen the photos and I remember not being able to breathe going up 5 steps or trying to get through just ONE song on my Wii Just Dance (something that I don’t get slightly winded, even after about 10 songs).  I guess what I don’t remember is just being the old me.33ffee062ec7ee70a30d7342690db639

I am now at a weight I haven’t been since about 10 years ago.  And being that I’ve incorporated weight lifting (which I’ve been doing for about 6 months now) and power uphill walking and running, I am noticing muscles I never knew I had.  I’m getting some killer arms to, thanks to the weight lifting.

However, all this will not stop genetics….Last Tuesday, I called 911, on myself.

I had been feeling light headed all day when going from a sitting to standing position and I felt like I had an elephant on my chest.  I just ignored it, as I usually do, and went about my business.

That night, I go to bed then my stomach suddenly hurt, like knives were being pushed into my stomach.  I made my way to the bathroom but then started to realize that I was going to pass out.  I got cold, and not just like a “oh I’m cold” feeling.  It literally felt like my blood turned ice cold.

I really thought I was having a heart attack and I was going to meet Jesus.

Thinking that I do NOT want The Boy to get up, as he was asleep in my bed, in the middle of the night and trip over my unconscious or possibly dead body, I knew I had to contact someone before I gave up the ghost.

I called my mother and according to her, she said at one point I blacked out because I stopped talking and the phone went dead.  I do remember calling her but not hanging up with her and I only remember tid bits of calling 911 and I couldn’t give them my address nor the name of my apartment complex because I could barely speak.  Things were getting black and hazy.

I made it back to my bed and my limbs began to tingle.  Next thing I know, 4 or 5 firemen and paramedics are in my room.  They were talking to The Boy (who handled all of this wonderfully, I might add) and they even gave him a little fireman’s hat.  The paramedics took my blood pressure.  It was low. But my heart and lungs were fine.

thCAS942INFast forward, I take a trip in the Ambulance to the E.R. and spend the next few hours in a bed there while they take my blood, get urine samples, x-ray my chest and check my heart again, all of which were fine.

Diagnosis: The elephant I felt on my chest all day, was acid reflux.  Fantastic….

The episode I had of cold and numbness….a panic attack.   Even better….

So, I came to the conclusion that weight loss isn’t my only problem.  Apparently, it is genetic that digestion problems, such as acid reflux, runs in the family.  I am getting that checked.  Although I don’t know what triggered it because I eat NO fast food, NO fried and NO fatty.  I am monitoring what else may have done it.  I’ve been fine since then though.  That was a week and a few days ago.

A funny “what the hell is that story?!?” stemming from my paranoia of an E.R. visit.  A few days ago I was lying down in my bed, my hands were on my stomach.  I then stretched and my fingers felt this lump just to the right of my upper stomach.  I feel a bit more going “damnit what now?” and hoping I wasn’t growing a tumor.  Then I realized what I was feeling…..my ribs.

That’s right folks.  I have NEVER seen nor felt my ribs since I can’t even remember.  I would guess since I was a child?  But there they were, my ribs.  Of course, I was stretching so they were more visible but it was a laughable moment indeed.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

6 more lbs down!
Total: 66 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Weekly Weigh In – I’m back on track

I am back into my routine after a 6 lb gain over the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays.  The gain was mainly because I didn’t exercise for a long period of time due to my lower back going out and getting the flu at the beginning of December.  And of course the holiday goodies didn’t help.

I am just about back to the weight I was before the holidays and starting fresh.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

 4 lbs down!
Total: 60 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

 

Holidays Weigh In

Ugh..just ugh.  My last Weigh in post was here and it was a LONG time ago.  October 28th, to be exact.

This will qualify as a “Weigh In” entry but it will also qualify as a “oops..let’s get back on this train” plea to myself.  However, trying to stay on the bright side, this post is the first of all the weight loss posts I’ve been doing since May that is negative in the fact that I’ve gained weight back in the past 2 months.

I think one of the things I’ve come to HATE most about my eternal life of constant monitoring of food that goes in and exercise that goes out, is that the weight can ALWAYS come back and you better believe it will come back threefold.

I was hit with my first holiday season and tried very hard.  During Thanksgiving, I tried to keep away from the carbs and do more protein.  It kind of worked.

The first two weeks of December, I got the flu and my lower back went out forcing me to stop exercising.  Just last week, I’ve been back to 3-4 times a week on the treadmill and lifting weights.

Last night, realizing that I’m back in my exercise routine and fully recovered from my lower back pain (kinda) and the flu, I got on the scale in the work out room.  I was thrown back into reality.  According to that scale, I have gained 4 lbs since the beginning of November.

I have just returned from the Medical Clinic that started me on this road back in May and yes, the weight gain is 4 lbs.  I’ve adjusted my ticker to the right to reflect such and I will go from there.  I have paid for another 10 weeks of appetite suppressants and vitamin injections at the clinic and will kick start this again.  On the positive side, at least I’m starting at a much lower weight than 245 and puts me THAT much closer to my goal.

Success

Upon reflection though, in the past, when I’ve come to this certain fork in the road when I see the weight creeping back and the food takes over, usually what happens is I give up.  The weight returns and then about 40 more lbs follow it.  That is how I reached 245 in the first place.

I looked at those numbers, realizing, it’s only FOUR lbs.  However, over time, 4 can easily turn into 40.  I will not allow this.  I know me.  If I allowed myself to get fat again, that would be the end of my mental state, my energy, my motherhood and life on many levels.  I know me….gaining it back, would kill me on the inside and work it’s way out.

This weight loss has opened up my eyes to so many things and not just on the “looks” part of it or fitting into a size 8 for the first time in…well ever!  My health is the best it’s been in years,  my monthly visitor is MUCH more manageable (believe me, that in itself is enough to not falter.  I dreaded Aunt Flo every month and the mess she always created).

The bottom line is…I will not let food win.  I will not let the little peanut butter and chocolate squares sitting just inches from my desk right now, win.  I have a divorce court date coming up in either February or March (more on THAT in another post) and I will NOT let my ex-husband or even my divorce attorney see a defeated and fat single mother.

Most importantly, God did NOT imbue in me the strength I’ve mustered since May to lose 60 lbs just to waste it away and gain it back.  I’m tired of disappointed God and I’m sure He’s tired of it to.  Sometimes, I feel it’s the only thing I can give back to Him since I tend to hold grudges on His choices on how my life is going BUT that is another post as well.

On the more selfish side, my sister has lost 10 lbs since she started at a medical clinic for weight loss and I CAN’T let her win!  I mean that in healthy good competition.  For the first time in years….I have the upper hand in our relationship and I’m winning.  In the past, she always won everything from earning our parents love more to buying her own home and everything in between.  In this, I WON…and it will stay that way.  Besides, my weight loss encouraged her to start her own weight loss and she really needed it.  I believe her mental state about herself was worse than me and what made it worse is that she held it all in and puts up so many wallsthat even I, her sister, can’t punch through them.  Weight loss would benefit her even more than me.

For the first time, ever, in the battle of my fat that began when I was 12 years old….I AM IN FUCKING CONTROL.

Weekly Weigh In – Changed things up a bit..

I did something different this time.  I did not check in at the clinic this past Friday.  My 10 weeks there are up and I will have to pay for another round of 10 weeks but, I think I’m just going to buy the medication separately, which i just take every other day now anyway, and just go in maybe twice a month for the Lipo injection.  I don’t know when I’m going back in though.  I’m tempted to buy another 10 weeks just to keep myself on track for the last 30 or 40 lbs I need to lose.

I did weigh myself on the scale in my apartment’s workout room Saturday morning and I was pleasantly shocked.

What were the results??

 4 lbs lost this week

Total: 59 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

I changed my work out just a bit.  I added another arm weight lifting routine because I am still working on these batwings that appeared.  I’m really hating them especially since I am lifting weights specifically on that target area.  Blegh.

I am also jogging more than just power walking.  I guess it worked because 4 lbs in a week is pretty good.

Weekly Weigh In – I’m officially at a plateau…..

*sigh*  This past Tuesday was probably the worse “binge” day I’ve had since starting this journey back in May.  Not only did I have way to much chocolate cake at work but I ate the In N Out fries my kid didn’t eat that night AND finished his strawberry shake.  And I didn’t work out that evening because that is the evening that I take The Boy to hockey lessons.

The next day, I felt like a weighed down beached whale.  I have to keep reminding myself I am no where NEAR the maintenance point yet, where I can binge every once in a while like that.  I still have a good 50 more lbs to drop.

What happened Tuesday, must never happen again.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

 Nothing this week 😦

Total: 55 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Once again, I have lost nothing.  So, I believe that I’m officially at a plateau.  Today, I lost nothing.  Last week, I lost 2 and the week before, I lost nothing.

And I feel that I have so much further to go.  I know that I’ve come so far but sometimes it seems that the end of this road is getting further and further away with each step of progression I achieve.  It’s such a weird psychological phenomenon.

I need to purchase another 10 weeks at the medical clinic but I may have to put that on hold as I need to find the money from somewhere.  I do want to keep getting the Vitamin injections.  I’m not one to be disciplined enough to take vitamins every day so getting the injections weekly is good for me.  I will have to see what I can do or how I can budget it since now, I owe my step-grandmother about $900 on her Care Credit card that paid for my cat’s hospitalization and meds.

One thing that I haven’t put up in a while is BMI

BMI at starting weight:

BMI 42

BMI at current weight:

BMI 32 190 lbs

I am amazed that I’m STILL in the “Obese” section.  I guess a size 10 is considered obese now?!

But that is what I’m talking about when I say this just seems like a VERY long road.  What weighs heavy on my mind is that I absolutely CAN NOT go back to being fat.  There is WAY to much at risk.  And in all honesty, I made it that way with this blog, with kind of  bragging to others about a significant weight loss.  I gain that all back and I’m just a loser.  I know, I’m not really, it’s just what my inner brain tells me.  So in a way, it’s GOOD that I’ve put myself in this place.  It holds me accountable and that is what is keeping my progression going.

More importantly, The Boy deserves a healthier mom.  I can’t let that kid down.

I must keep losing and stay on track.  There is more at stake here than just looks.  I need to figure out how to get out of this stagnant place.  I am literally 1 lb away from exiting another number milestone.  I might change up my exercise?  Or maybe just not binge on In N Out fries and Strawberry shakes…yeah THAT may be the answer!  Sheesh!

Weekly Weigh In – Hockey here I come!

That’s right!  It’s Hockey time!

Hockey games are now starting.  For those who didn’t follow my blog earlier this year, I go to A LOT of hockey games.  Not the L.A. Kings or Anaheim Ducks, as much as I would love to be able to go to those, but to an ECHL league housed just minutes from my apartment.  For more on that, read this.

I must say, I’m really excited to be back in those Suite or Ice seats, with all the usual fans around, and let them all see the new me.  I usually only take The Boy and we always have the same seats, either in a Suite box or front row, right next to the ice.  I can assure you, there are more men that sit near the ice than women.  I’m just sayin’….*wink*

We are going to a game tomorrow night, ice seats. Yay!

Two small observations…

1) I can actually CROSS my legs comfortably while sitting at my office desk, something I’ve NEVER been able to do.

2) I had to wear a belt with a pair of black dress pants.  Not only did I have to wear a belt, but I put on a belt that I couldn’t even get around my waist a few months ago, let alone actually buckle it to the second hole.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

2 more lbs down!

Total: 55 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Ok, back in business!  I didn’t exercise much this week due to the Kitty crisis.  However, I also had zero appetite because of my worry and stress over the Kitty crisis.  So, maybe it was a good thing I didn’t exercise because I may have emancipated myself!

However, I am almost out of another number range…..almost there!

Weekly Weigh In – Size 10’s, no comments and a clean bill of health!

Size 10’s

Well, I broke down and just went and bought size 10 dress pants.  Remember, this post where I was saying the size 12’s were way to droopy on me.  I got the size 10’s.  Now, granted, they are a bit tight in the waist area but I’m sure that won’t last for long.  The size 12’s were the same way and before a month was through, they just didn’t work anymore.

But they are SIZE 10’s!!!  I haven’t been a size 10 since 15 years ago and even then, I don’t think I was a size 10.  Maybe an 11-12. 🙂

People noticing….

I don’t know if it’s some sort of socially unacceptable practice to never notice or comment when someone has lost a very noticeable amount of weight.  I would think saying “wow…you’ve gotten fat” is A LOT worse than saying “wow..you’ve gotten skinny”.  But what do I know?  I’m socially dumb sometimes.

However, I would love it if people actually noticed by commenting.  I mean for all that is GOOD AND HOLY I’VE LOST FRIGGIN 53 POUNDS!  It has GOT to be showing in other peoples’ eyes!  I know I most certainly would not be offended in the least if comments were made.  Of course, the commenter may not know that I wouldn’t be offended, so I understand.

On the flip side, it’s interesting the messages that peoples’ eyes can give out when they notice something very different.  In some cases, such as my co-workers who have see me fat for almost a year, I can see in their eyes that they notice.  I guess that works for me.  And I know that when you see someone every day, as co-workers have, the change is slight compared to not seeing me for months on end and then see the drastic change from 5 months ago to today.

It would be nice if someone said something though.  But I guess I have to rely on the little kids for those kinds of observations.

Clean Bill of Health!

A month ago, I went to the doctor for a normal check up visit.  I actually hadn’t been to the doctor in years.  I was really expecting the worse regarding my ovaries.  Yesterday, I had my follow up appointment for the results of all the blood work, Mammo  and ovary ultrasound.

Apparently, I have a clean bill of health.  The doctor went over all my blood work numbers with me.  Cholesterol and sugar levels are perfect.  The Mammo was normal and my ovaries actual are normal size, not enlarged.  So it baffled me why I was in so much pain last week but I think some months the ovaries work more than other months.

I thought back and realized, never, in all my doctor visits, have I EVER had pretty much nothing wrong with me.  Either my ovaries were enlarged, or my blood work came back with possible Lupus or high cholesterol.

Considering that history, I can ONLY assume that the weight loss is the prime result of good numbers.  I mean, this is the most weight I’ve lost ever and for the longest amount of time.  What other assumption can I make?  The doctor was even a bit taken aback because I was in perfect health.

It’s bizarre really, because I’ve always been a sickly person, always in and out of the hospital for something.  Who’d a thought, fat was the culprit.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

0 more lbs down

Total: 53 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

For the first time, in exactly 5 months, today, I have lost nothing on my Weekly Weigh In.  In fact, I think the nurse recorded that I gained a pound simply because the scale kept jumping up one pound, down one pound and I think she just glanced at the scale when it was up one pound.  In reality, I gained like 3 ounces which probably wouldn’t have shown up had I peed before I weighed in.

I will admit, I am feeling disappointment at no loss, but after reading what I posted above, it’s all good.  I would still like to know what happened this week.  I don’t recall doing anything differently and have worked out 4 times this past week (Sunday-Thursday, except Tuesday).

But hey! A clean bill of health makes up for the disappointment.

I know this is getting long but I also have an interesting photo of me….

My mother found this photo in her iPad about a week ago.  When she showed it to me, the first thing I yelled out (yes I YELLED it out) was “NEVER AGAIN!”  And being that we were in a Japanese Restaurant at the time, I got looks.

This photo was taken in April of this year, 2013.  It was in front of my church and it was with my kid, sister, father and aunt (who I’ve cut out but were all to the right of me in the photo).

245

245 lbs

Each time I look at it I want to yell out over and over “NEVER AGAIN!!!”  and believe me folks…I look NOTHING and I mean NOTHING like that photo.

My face, there are no more multiple chins and I wear makeup now.

My stomach doesn’t look like I’m 8 months pregnant.

Those jeans…I think those jeans were given to Goodwill about 2 months ago.  Those were the jeans that fell off me once and got me to start stocking up on the smaller sizes just for motivation.  Sizes that I have since worn and some sizes I have since also given to Goodwill or traded in for smaller (see Size 10 comments above).  The top I’m wearing in that photo is long gone to.  It was purchased at a store called Torrid, for plus sizes.  The thing started hanging on me so much that I could practically wear it as a dress.  I gave that to the Goodwill as well, along with all the other 2X tops I had.

Screw the woman in that picture.  That woman looks tired, haggard and way older than she really is.  That woman was sad and depressed and on her way to diabetes and heart failure.

Lord Almighty I don’t even know WHO that woman is!  But I can assure you that I never want to see her again!

“Man, she got SKINNY!”

It’s been a long time but here is yet another Tarantino’d posts……..

“Man, she got skinny!!!”

Why did The Boy tell me the above….

Let’s go back…..Let’s go back….

I had completely forgotten to blog this experience.  It was one of the highlights of my weight loss journey and it comes from a small child.  The children are so innocent….yet VERY honest and that is what makes them brilliant!

A few Friday’s ago, I had picked up The Boy early from after school care.  I pulled into the parking lot and being that it was early, no cars were there.  They were on the field and he saw me pull up.  I got out, waved at him and got right back in the car to await his arrival.

Upon entering the car he told me his classmate asked him if that was his mother, waving at him from the parking lot.  He said yes and then his classmate said to him “Man, she got SKINNY!”

Kids are truly straight forward, blunt and honest humans.

488ff151ce52d5133c4ae65d368b3a06

Weekly Weigh In – A MARATHON?!?!

It’s time to break away from that which is dealing with Bags of Douches.  Onto bigger and better things!

I have decided, to train for a 5K marathon.  My sister and I will be signing up for one happening in November.  WTF?!?!?  I am a person who HATED running/jogging in any type of fashion and now, I’m gonna do a marathon!  It’s like worlds have opened up  that I never knew could exist for me.

My only regret is that I spent my whole life under a cloud of “I can’t” and had to hit a mid life epiphany to get out of it.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

4 more lbs down!

Total: 53 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

*sigh*

My sister…I love her to death but she is so stubborn.  I now way a lot less than she does for the first time in our lives.  She is stuck on this “fad” 3 day diet things where she eats pretty much a cube of cheese and crackers all day to supposedly lose like 10 pounds in 3 days.  It’s ridiculous because she just gains it right back after the 3 days and that can’t be healthy doing crash diets like that.  Then she tells me “Hey, Jenny Craig is having a deal where you can come back and get discounted food.”

Really? Why on EARTH would I go back to Jenny Craig when I’ve lost the most weight I’ve ever lost in my life ON MY OWN and without paying stupid Jenny Craig for the their stupid over priced pre-packaged meals!

I keep telling her “cut out the carbs and fast food…you are really denied nothing and can learn to make better choices.”  Nope, she thinks she knows best and wonders why she isn’t down much.  I just slam my head against the brick wall and hope she will get her epiphany soon….that is if she really wants it.

My insides feel like they are on fire…

No, not with the fiery feelings of love (although more on that to come later).

No, not with the fire furnace of a heavily boosted metabolism due to constant exercise (booyah! I not longer have the metabolism of a snail!).

I have the infliction of enlarged ovaries.  I was officially diagnosed with enlarged ovaries back in 2009 at the local hospital’s Emergency Room.  I went in because it felt like someone was shoving a hot poker into my lower mid section and it travelled around to my back.  They gave me a scan and found that it was enlarged ovaries causing the problem.

Since then, some months are better than others when it comes time for the ovaries to do their job.  Some months, it hurts so bad I can’t stand up straight.  Some months, I feel nothing and it goes by without a hitch.

Last night, the pain actually woke me up at 2 in the morning and I knew this was not going to be a “go without a hitch” month.  I was in and out of sleep and this morning, I’m in agony.  It is subsiding a little bit but it’s just this dull ache in my whole belly area.  So far, the research I’ve done on enlarged ovaries has pretty harmless outcomes, just painful.  It very rarely ends in ovarian cancer BUT….you never know.

I recently had an ultrasound done to follow up and check on these enlarged ovaries to make sure if there is something growing in them, which causes them to be enlarged, that it is benign tumor and nothing serious.  Or it could be just tissue growth which is harmless as well.  In my research, the only sentence I read that was a bit unnerving was “However, in some cases, the enlarged ovary may twist or become dysfunctional. “  I would assume “dysfunctional” means I can kiss any aspects of having any more children good bye for good.  That made me just a bit sad.

I have a follow up appointment next week to get the results of the ultrasound and the Mammogram.

Weekly Weigh In – Droopy Drawers!

The dilemma of the dropping pants continues.

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My size 12 Apt 9 dress pants that I bought only a month ago, are no longer looking “fit”.  I’m VERY glad I didn’t get the size 14’s!  I’m getting the “bag lady” droopy pants effect again like I was experiencing with the size 18’s a few months ago.  I seem to be losing A LOT of hips and thighs much faster than my middle.  That is probably because I’m jogging.  I may have to occupy my Step-Grandmother to take the legs in a bit of my 4 pairs of size 12’s only because, I paid good money for them and didn’t get them at Goodwill.  And they are in perfect condition.  I think I could wear them a bit more if they are just taken in a bit.

Yesterday, I put on my size 14 black dress pants, not thinking at all that they were 14’s as I thought that I got rid of all the pants that were 14 and above and I spent the entire day trying to keep them up.  I giggled to myself.

I did get into a pair of 10/11 Skinny jeans I got from the Goodwill a few months ago that were sitting on the top of my closet shelf, just waiting.  They actually look really DAMNED good!

But hey!  I now have something in common with the Kia Soul Hamsters!

Fun times…..

Anyway, what were today’s results??

4 more lbs down!

Total: 49 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

*SIGH* it is done…..

I am no long seeing a number 2 on that scale.  I knew it was coming even if it was a long time coming but it is a phenomenal feeling to see it actually happen.  So I’m officially done with the 200’s.

What is also phenomenal is this feeling, in my heart and my mind, that I’m so excited and I smile a lot.  I have been known to tweet lately that nothing tastes as good as this smile on my face feels or the endorphins released after jogging.  THAT is what makes that chocolate cake that tries to tempt me look like a big pile of horse dung!

What do I and the Kia Soul Hamsters have in common?

Apparently, I have a lot in common with the Kia Soul Hamsters, as of lately.

They are working out pretty hard….

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tn_M13%202014%20Hamster%20Gaga%20commercial%205

They are spending more time at the “salon”

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All this to get an awesome result!

23916-kia-soul-totally-tran

As much as I hate the look of these Kia Soul cars, I would over look that and get one JUST because I love these hamsters!

Seeing more action from a Mammography…

Apparently, the only action I’m going to get on my newly shaping (and starting to look rather HOT) body…is from a Mammography machine.

Being that my mother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer just two years ago at age 56 I felt the need to get my first Mammo done.  Granted, I’m only 36 ½ and usually these tests aren’t done until age 40 but now that Breast Cancer is in my close family, I wanted to just get it done.  So, yesterday afternoon, that is what I was getting done.  Along with some ultrasounds to check up on a 2009 diagnosis I recieved of Enlarged Ovaries.

I won’t go into the details.  I’m sure everyone is aware that it’s just a smushing of the breast at different angles to get a good image.  All in all, it wasn’t really that bad nor did it hurt to tremendously.

What I did find interesting is that my boob was just flopped onto a glass slab then mushed all around and I just wanted to giggle the whole time! Why? Because the last time my chest had been “fondled” like that was about 9 years ago!

I’m giggling now!

But in all seriousness, these Mammo’s are so important in detecting Breast Cancer.  I just can’t believe that I’m already at the age to be having one, even if a bit early.

Weekly Weigh In – This is TORTURE!

I guess I lost weight in my…feet?

img-thingI have a pair of wedges from Sketchers that are comfortable and I’ve been wearing them constantly.  To give those Sketchers wedges a break, the other day, I decided to pull out my old black low heels that look like this.

They were always my favorite and fit good, in the past.  I go to put them on and they are WAY to big.  Now, I mean noticeably big.  Almost like I bought them a size to big or something.  It was a bizarre phenomenon but amusing all the same.

Also, today is a “how many needles can I get poked with” day.  I got my mega shot at the clinic an hour ago, the four B-6’s pricks, and in 2 hours, I head down to the blood lab to get blood samples taken.  My latest doctor visit sent me away with the paperwork to get all kinds of blood tests done.  I think he’s checking for diabetes and lupus (among other things) as those run in my family.

Fun times…..

Anyway, what were today’s results??

2 more lbs down!

Total: 45 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

OH MY GOSH!!!!!!

It’s a slow travel down and past the 200 lb mark.  I am exactly 200 lbs.  I just want to see 199 for crying out loud!  However, I have not weighed 200 since about 10 years ago, just after I lost my pregnancy weight.  So, I’m not unsatisfied at all.

Also, I have never liked that my body looks less than what the numbers on the scale really say.  According to the scale, this is 200 lbs:

image

I am inclined to disagree!

Or I hold the weight very well proportionally.

Or I’m just an anomaly!  I don’t know!

I guess I work hard….so you don’t have to!

There is yet another pheonomenon that I find interesting.  It is that of my mother in regards to my weight loss.  Honestly, sometimes, her ways of thinking and her priority system really does amuse me to the extent that I giggle.

At this family lunch that I mentioned in my last “Weigh In” post, I was probably the only one not over eating and obese (aside from my father who is losing weight due to health).  I would say my cousin’s daughter who is 19 was the only one dressed cute in a sun dress and looking like she weighed about 100 (she’s super cute).

However, no one noticed my weight loss enough to mention it and I would think 43 lbs is enough for someone to notice!  Or if they did notice, they didn’t mention it.  I wasn’t about to announce it because I did not want to make my over weight, over eating family feel bad.

I didn’t have to because it was my mother who suddenly felt the urge to mention “oh by the way, she’s lost weight…hey tell them how much.”

*sigh* This was not pride that prompted her to mention it…it was boasting.  Never before had I ever enjoyed the pride of being given a “hey look at MY daughter” announcement by her at a family function ever.  Usually it’s “just stay in the corner and pretend you don’t belong to me” kind of vibe I get from her.  Then again, I could be being dramatic in thinking this but it is what I feel.  I can’t deny that.

Suddenly, I work DAMN hard to lose weight and it’s her win?!  It’s her win because NOW she gets to show me off.  Oh sure, she may claimed that before when she was telling me how fat I was that she was saying it only because she doesn’t want me to have diabetes.  But now that the weight loss is happening, I didn’t hear “hey everyone, my daughter has lost 43 lbs and now she won’t have diabetes!“.  Nope, it was more like “hey everyone look at MY daughter.  Now she looks decent enough for me to announce that she is MY daughter“.

Again, I may be reading into it and being dramatic but I can’t help but come up with this conclusion.  Really…I laugh at this scenario yet, I feel sad for her because I feel like sometimes, she’s living her life through her daughters because she feels her life is over.  Honestly, I just don’t know WHAT to make of her sometimes.  She is so bi-polar I have to prepare myself when I know I MUST see her to be ready for whatever end of the spectrum her mood will be in.  It is truly exhausting.

So, even though she will still always say I’M her “difficult daughter“….no one can tell her I’m the one eating 7+ pieces of pizza in one sitting…that is for dang sure!

Weekly Weigh In – My first “good” picture

I had a cousin visiting from Chicago so there was a family lunch at my sister’s condo this past Sunday.  Of course, lots of photos were being taken and I refused to look at any of them, as I have always refused to look at the photos I’m in because I knew what I looked like and that I wouldn’t like it.

On Sunday, I was finally convinced to look at one and lo and behold…I looked DAMN GOOD!

I couldn’t contain my joy and was jumping up and down at how I had NO waist and NO thighs in this photo.  Well, compared to photos I’ve taken about 5 months ago.  My family, on my father’s side, tend to be very fat and over eat a lot.  My cousin, who just had a baby, had about 4 or 5 slices of pizza (big Costco pizza slices at that!) and my cousin from Chicago ate twice as much.  My aunts and uncle are the same.  Not to mention the chips and dip, the chocolate chip cookies and pound cake that was served.  I refused to eat any of the pizza that was being served and made a be-line for the fruit and cucumbers.

So as boastful or “high horse” as it may sound, I was inside rejoicing that I can, and will, fight genetics that is imbued into my DNA and could very well be the best looking cousin in my family brood.

I also was able to pull and zip up another size 11/12 skinny jeans that were in my closet.

Lots of victories this week 🙂

Anyway, what were today’s results??

 1 more lb down!

Total: 43 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Meh…I’m hitting a stand still again.  I’m back to 1 or 2 lbs a week, which actually isn’t bad just something I’m not used to.  Still, in the 4 months I’ve been doing this, the scale has been constantly going down, never maintain or going up.  That is a good thing!

I passed my “half way” point according to the clinic I weigh in at and that monitors my vitals.  They have my goal at 168 lbs, however we all know I’m going way below that if I can.  But since that is the goal they set for me, to them, I have passed my half way mark.  Therefore, I got a new sheet for step two of their plan:

Step 2

Oh so NOW I can eat fruit?! Uh..oops…been eating fruit since the very beginning of all this.  This only solidly establishes my theory of “to each their own”.  Every body is different and fruit (or the carbs in it), never hurt me one bit.  In fact, I’m enjoying a Razzamatazz from Jamba Juice as I type this, although it is a bit sweet and I probably won’t finish it.

Oh wait…so NOW I can exercise to?! Uh…oops again.  I have been doing that solidly 4-5 times a week for the last 3 months.

Haha!

Weekly Weigh In – I’m Batman!

Yup, I’m Batman

woman-arm-bat-wings-400x400For some reason, I have developed batwings.  I don’t know if it was because I had so much to lose but now I have them.  I have been doing arm lifting with weights but I need to work on the bat wings.  Maybe switch the type of lifting I do?  I think it can be fixed though because the stomach flap that I had a few months ago is starting to disappear.  So that gives me hope.

My neck can crack

cartoon-crack-drugs Now, I don’t know if this one has anything to do with the weight loss but I was NEVER able to crack my neck.  Now, I can turn it and get a good set of popping.  I know that I’ve read popping the neck might not be the best thing to do but sometimes it really relieves some tension and just feels like it loosens things up.  I carry all my stress in my neck and upper back area.  So, my neck just feels looser and more able to move freely.  Maybe the fat was blocking the free movement?

Uh..what is THAT?!

As I was rubbing my shoulder one evening I started to feel…..something.  I instantly got worried because it was a HUGE bump and I started to make my way to the phone to make an appointment for the doctor.  After thinking about it and then looking at my back in the mirror I realized exactly what I was touching…..

It was my shoulder bone!  I kid you not…I had no idea what it felt or looked like because there had been so much fat covering it, or so I’m assuming.  I laughed at myself into the mirror for a while.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

  2 more lbs down!

Total:  42 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Weekly Weigh In – Things don’t hurt

My feet don’t hurt anymore

There was a time when I would go to Disneyland on a Friday night with The Boy and get there around 6:30 and by 9:00, sometimes even 8:00, my feet were killing me.  And I’m not talking about “oh my feet ache a little”…no it would be I literally can’t walk or stand.  I distinctly remember one night where I couldn’t even walk back to the car only after walking around the parks for a little bit.  I would have to constantly be sitting down to rest them.  When I finally got home, I would have to lay down and elevate them on a pillow or they would get REALLY puffy the next morning.  I also remember how exhausted I would get.

On Saturday, I went to the parks by myself.  I had my music on my phone, my earbuds in and I was walking.  At one point, I was walking so fast I realized I had just walked from one end of the park to the other.  I, of course, stopped to ride something and eat, but for the most part, I walked from the time I got there around 4pm until I left at 11pm.  I didn’t feel one ounce of exhaustion.  And I even danced at Mad T Party!

It really makes you wonder how much strain and stress weight can put on feet and even the knees, hips and back.

Size 12’s

I have finally gotten into a size that I haven’t been since before I was pregnant, 10 years ago.  I did post about it but now, after wearing the pants and working them in, I’m even wondering if I should have gotten the 10’s!  They are loose after a few hours of wearing them.  But I’ll wait until they are falling off like my 16’s were.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

 2 more lbs down!

Total: 40 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

BMI is the same as last week so I’ll skip it.

The mother of all shots hurt today.  I usually get all my injections in my arm but with this one, I may have to switch to getting the shot in my backside.  It made my whole arm throb for an hour after getting the shot and it was really swollen at the injection site.

I will admit I was a little disapointed to only see the 2 lbs as I’m so close to getting out of the 200’s and espiecally after last weeks weigh in of 8 lbs lost, but I have to remember, last week’s weigh in was after a month.  So, 2 lbs a week is a steady loss.

Weekly Weigh In – It’s actually been a MONTH

Weekly Monthly Weigh in

Welcome back peoples!  I was without a weigh in for a whole month!  So bare with me, this may be a long update.  I do have a pretty good reason for the month absence.

My last post was July 17.  The reason for the month hiatus was because I had to pay for another 10 weeks on the program and I just didn’t have the money.  My last weigh in and visit to the clinic was a month ago and I have been about 3 weeks off the appetite suppressant medications.  I guess it was a good test run to see if I can actually do it on my own, without the daily appetite suppressants.

Test run=PASSED

I’m just making better choices.  I am going to continue to stay away from bad carbs and fast food.  I am also going to continue to do exercise like I am now which is 5-6 times a week consisting of cardio speed walking/jogging and some weight lifting.  However, I will get back onto the medications just to kick start myself again to do round two and keep the numbers going down!

Milestone…

About 2 weeks ago, I did surprise myself a bit.  Ask me if I can get into size 13 skinny jeans.  YUP!  I squeezed my behind into a size 13.  I was a stuffed sausage but they zippered up!

I’m still so fat!

Or that is how I feel, psychologically, I guess.  I am so close to passing the 200 mark.  I’m hoping now that I can start back up on the appetite suppressants, I will be able to curb my appetite better and not binge.  I did binge a few times, on fat free and low calorie Trader Joe’s cheese puffs but afterwards, I felt sick to my stomach.  Blegh.

However, one big change is that now I weigh less than my sister.  This has really motivated her to get into action.  She is now watching carbs and she actually has an awesome exercise reoutine that includes eliptical and lots of cardio.  She’s good at that.  However, she has some medical issues that keeps her from losing at a steady pace but I know she can do it.  I’m now 15 lbs lighter than her, but if I know her, that won’t be for long.

I still just think I have so much to go.  It’s like a never ending cycle.  However, it will probably always seem that way because this is a life long thing and not just a fad.

My next goal is to get out of the 200’s and into the 100’s.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

 8 more lbs down!

Total: 38 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Look at that HUGE dip!

Starting BMI

BMI is: 42.0 at 245 lbs

Starting in Category: Obese  30.0 – more

Current BMI

Still in the "Obese" section...Blegh!

Still in the “Obese” section…Blegh!

I finally have a before and after.  Both of these were taken in the same spot at Universal Studios, Hollywood and I tried to wear the same tank top with the pink hearts but I have since put it into the Goodwill bag because it looked ridiculous on me.

March 2, 2013

August 1, 2013

I see the difference but I probably shouldn’t have tried to squeeze myself into those skinny jeans.  Those are the size 13 jeans I mentioned above.  Although, that was taken almost 2 weeks ago and those jeans fit A LOT better now.

But my face…it’s so much smaller.

So, that is it for my update after a month of no updates.  As I mentioned before, I did purchase another 10 weeks of the appetite suppresants, B-6 shots and the weekly Lipo-Combo injection which is injected into my arm that contains:

  • Methionine
  • Inositol
  • Choline
  • B-12
  • B-1
  • B-2
  • Vitamin C
  • Niacin

That injection hurts like a mo-fo though.  I even told the nurse “God, this one stings way more than the others”.  She said it was because it’s the mother of all injections and includes the most of any other injection.  I just got it a couple of hours ago and I’m noticing that the injection site (my upper arm) smells, or makes me smell, like vitamins.  It’s hard to explain but I have to be aware of that since I go to my weigh ins and get my injections during my lunch hour and have to return to work.

Thanks to all who have been following my progress.  I’m certainly not done yet but I’m very proud of myself if I do say so myself and being able to blog about it keeps me very much accountable.  It has been a life long struggle for me to deal with being fat all my life.  Losing this weight, at this point in my life is allowing me to concentrate on other parts of my physique I have to keep up if I don’t want to age quickly.

I now dye my graying hair on a regular basis since the vitamin injections have made my hair grow like mad and it’s super shiny and on top of that, using the Lush Stout shampoo, makes it super silky.  I love my hair.

I’m also working on my skin.  I use a Lush Mint mask once a week and it’s done wonders for cleaning out my pores and making them smaller.

I’m also going to look into getting lash extensions.  I really can’t wear makeup anymore.  My eyes water way to much and then the make up gets in them and it’s like battery acid is burning my eyes out of their sockets.  So I just don’t wear makeup anymore.  My sister suggested lash extensions because that is all my eyes really need.  I’m also going to look into getting my eyes used to contacts again.  These glasses just take so much away from my face.

So, until next week 🙂

The power of the mind, can be a powerful thing

Yes, yes it can.

On Friday morning, I woke up with either a bladder infection or a Urinary Tract Infection.  Either way, it hurt to pee and it smelled awful..… well, anyway…..

I drowned myself in water all day on Friday, meaning I think I drank about 2-3 gallons of it, hoping to wash out whatever infection was starting.  I didn’t have any money to buy cranberry juice so I left it up to the Water Gods to heal me.  I have actually had bad experiences with bladder and UTI’s in the past.  Although, not very frequently, but when I get bladder or Kidney problems, they can land me in the hospital.  The first time I had one, many years ago, it moved up to my kidney and I ended up over night in the hospital with a bad Kidney infection that had me with a high fever and vomiting.  The second time, I had a bladder infection that was so bad the infection moved into my blood stream causing me to be in the hospital 2 nights and hooked up to an antibiotic I.V. with fever and severe pain.

So, as you can assume, I was pretty scared to wake up Friday with that all to familiar “cloudy” urine and pain.  Friday was ok but the pain was still there.  Saturday morning, I woke up to pain again.  I spent most of Saturday laying low but in pain.

It wasn’t until Sunday that I realized the pain was scooting on up my back, into the oh so familiar area of my right kidney….

Fuck…

So, I spent Sunday lying down, just “willing” the pain away.  I drank another 3-4 gallons of water but I think that may have made the pain worse considering that drinking makes the kidneys work to process the liquid.  But water is my nectar.  On a regular basis, I drink at least 4-5 16oz bottles of waters (as pictured).  waterIf I don’t drink that much daily, I get severely dehydrated and shaky.  (and no, I’m not diabetic so don’t suggest that)

It’s weird, I know, but this practice may stem from the fact that another time, earlier in my life, I was put into the hospital with severe dehydration.  And yes, this is a separate time from the two other hospital visits I mention above (did I mention I’ve had 4 surgeries, 3 minor and 1 major/almost dying) How am I still alive?  Anyway, since then, water is like mother’s milk to me and I must drink it or die (drama for effect).

ImageGenAlso, all those plastic bottles get bagged up and given to my sister, who takes them to her local Ralph’s and turns them in for credit towards her groceries.

Yeah, I’m a nice sister like that.

Anyway, at 9pm last night, I’m sitting in my bed, watching True Blood with my 3 bottles of water around me, watching the show and ignoring the pain.  I went to sleep for the night, again, telling myself the pain would be gone in the morning and even through drinking all that water over the past 3 days should have drowned me and caused the pain to be worse, it was what this kidney needed.

It appears, I was right.  I woke up this morning, pain free in my kidney area of my back and during my bathroom visit.  I was actually surprised, because I thought for sure I would be calling my sister sometime in the night, last night, to tell her to come get me to take me to the ER or stay with my kid while I drive myself to the ER.  It was that or call an ambulance so the medical professionals can watch my kid while I lay in agony in the ER.

Ah, the trials of a single mother who can’t even take a medical emergency break.  In all honesty, when I feel pain, whether it’s as bad as this or not, I tend to ignore it.  I have no back up, no husband to take care of me and if I do need to seek medical attention, who will watch my kid?  So, I have to continue to function as if I’m not in agony.  Also, I figure I have to ignore it because I really don’t have the leeway to be sick at all.  I have to go to work and earn money or I lose my apartment and my kid doesn’t get fed.  And being that my kid gets bored and cabin fever when I’m tight on money and have to spend weekends inside or if I just need to lie down and rest, I have to suck up my pain, put on a smiley face and still take him for that walk or out to the pool, even though I want to just lay in fetal position on my bed crying that God finally take me so that this pain, mentally and physically, can just go away.

This was one of the main reasons why I chose to finally lose the excess weight.  I’m sure losing 80 lbs would help my regular aches and pains and for the most part they have.  But I guess there are some things that have nothing to do with weight.

But God never does finally take me.  Apparently, He wants me to continue to live in this lonely life where I’m just a robot, going about my routine just long enough to get The Boy raised and molded into a decent human being so I can set him free into this world.  Then, maybe I can finally be taken out of my misery.

Regardless, I feel better today and will continue to down water until I feel I’m totally out of the woods.  It’s a good thing to because I do have a very busy week ahead of me with lots planned.

I just don’t have time for kidney failure.

Weekly Weigh In – I’ve hit a milestone

First, I know my normal weigh in days are Fridays and starting my next weigh in day, Friday the 26th, they will be back on track.  I did skip last Friday’s weigh in.  I needed to purchase another 10 week program and I didn’t have the money last Friday so I had to wait until I came into some money, which was today.  So, today’s weigh in covered 1 week and 4 days.  I am committed to at least 10 more weeks and purchased the highest program, the Platinum Plus.

Second, today I lost the most I’ve lost at a single weigh in.  It could be because I had 4 extra days between today and my last weigh in.  I would also like to say that it is because I’ve incorporated at least 5 minutes of jogging into my 30 minute power walking routine, which I do 5-6 days a week.

I am definitely starting to get the double takes and comments, lately.  My co-worker, just last week, commented on how my face is pretty much gone.  I’ve lost a double chin, completely.  I want to say 10 lbs was in my chin and face alone!  However, the one place that I always used to lose it first, my chest, hasn’t budged an inch.  Not to get TMI or all sexual or anything but I was firmly in a DD at 245 lbs and could have gotten into a DDD.  I am still firmly in a DD.  However, my waist is smaller, giving the illusion that they are bigger than they really are!  Not sure I like that as I’ve never liked dealing with these things sometimes.  I’m sure they will go down as I get closer to goal.  Believe me when I say that having big Ta-Ta’s is not all it’s cracked up to be.  I have some really bad upper back problems and constantly dealing with pain between my shoulder blades due to the weight from my chest.  Not fun.

ANYWAY!  I’ve also gone down two pants sizes.  I’m out of my size 18 dress pants and currently in a size 14 dress pants.  I’m also completely out of size 16 jeans as they won’t stay on me.  I have a size 14 that I’m wearing but they hang baggy soon after putting them on so they look wrong on me.  They aren’t falling off my waist but they are hanging.  I bought size 12 skinny jeans from the Goodwill that I have on the “almost there” shelf in my closet.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

7 more lbs down!

Total: 30 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

I’m actually shocked the scale said this because it’s “THAT” time of the month and I never lose during that time.

Regarding BMI, I found charts that I liked and could easily understand.

Starting weight

BMI is: 42.0 at 245 lbs

Starting in Category: Obese  30.0 – more

Current weight

BMI 

Apparently, I’ve lost the equivalent to the amount of cheese an average American eats in a year.  Blegh…
 
I really can’t believe how much 30 lbs is, yet, I can’t believe that 30 lbs doesn’t even scratch the surface of how much I need/ed to lose.  It made me realize how obese I was really getting and how much I had my foot in an early grave.  I move quicker now, I can climb the stairs to my office without wheezing upon reaching my office and I can FUCKING RUN!  Uh..emphasis on the, yeah…I can FUCKING RUN!
 
My next goal is to get out of the 200’s.

Possible motivation…

I may have found some serious weight loss motivation.

I’m still bummed out a bit from my weigh in this morning.  I just have to keep telling myself that the scale is going in the right direction, even if it is taking a slow, long trip.

I decided to pull out of my closet an old black satin Scott McClintock formal that I wore as Homecoming Princess in College in 2000.  So, the last time I wore this dress was 13 years ago.  It is a size 14.

It is still in great condition and not a blemish on it.  It is a little wrinkled at the bottom but in great condition other than that.

Holding it up to me, it looks very small.

Weekly Weigh In – Meh…..

Meh, not to happy about today.

I spent the better part of this day wondering what the heck I’m doing wrong.  The nurse even asked me if I was following the diet plan properly.  I most surely am and I’m exercising as well.

I’m going to try and change up my exercise routine and push it to 35 minutes which will include some arm and stomach exercises.  I’m also going to try and incorporate some running into my power walking to, even if it is just for a few minutes.

I also think I need to eliminate anything I may have been “cheating” with.  I have had tortillas on occasion but always wheat and I never finish it.  I do have Pollo Bowls but rarely finish down to the rice part.  I just eat the chicken and beans, but I may start being more strict regarding any carbs.  Although, I don’t know how I can get any stricter than this:

This is a sample of a usual lunch.  That is a hard boiled egg and greek yogurt.

This is a sample of a usual lunch. That is a hard boiled egg and greek yogurt.

Regardless, I’m going to change where I think I can.  Or it could be just inches that I’ve lost as I’ve noticed a huge change in my size 16 jeans.  Just last night, I was getting ready to change for bed for the night and I was closing up my home and turning off lights, when I realized, my jeans were about to fall off me.  I was literally able to pull them off without unbuttoning them.  So those will go into the give away bag and I can move onto the size 14 jeans I have that were waiting to be pulled off the shelf of “some day I will fit into these clothes” that I have set up in my closet.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

1 more lb down!

Total:  23 lbs lost in 9 Weeks! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Below are the BMI chart comparison from start weight to current weight

BMI of 42 at 245lbs

BMI at starting weight of 245 – 9 weeks ago

VS.

BMI 38.1

BMI down to 38 as of today.

Weekly Weigh In – BMI

I read an article that Obesity is now considered a disease.  I am on the fence with this. 

On the one hand, I’m fat because I put to many Jumbo Jacks with cheese into my mouth and didn’t move my behind enough.  On the other hand, genetics really do not help a girl out.

Of course, the article I linked and so many other articles that can be found with a Google search are so convoluted I just want to look them over.  Everybody is different and if a nutrionist is going to tell me that having a Jamba Juice for lunch is bad (even if I’m not diabetic) because of carbs I will tell them they are not me and I know what I will not gain weight with.   Having a Jamba Juice is better than having the Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger Combo Meal (large size, yes, please) at the Jack in the Crack down the street!  And go ahead and click on the link and look at the calorie and carb count.  I’m surprised my heart lasted this long!  Blegh, just looking at the pictures of the burgers on the website made me want to vomit.

BMI of 42 at 245lbs

BMI at starting weight of 245

I found a BMI calculator that computed BMI (Body Mass Index) and after I put in my starting weight (seen to the right) and then figured out what weight would be in the “Normal Weight” range….I have lowered my GOAL weight by 30 lbs.   That would put it at 130 lbs (22 BMI).  As seen by the chart to the right, at the start of this road, I was at 42 BMI which equaled to Obese.  I believe it.  

It’s just a “goal”.  I feel like it’s a kind of game.  Let’s see how close to 130 I can actually get.  The lowest I’ve ever been is 140 and I was 17 years old.  I’m curious to see if I can get there and what I would look like!

Anyway, so what were today’s results??

  2 more lbs down!

Total: 22 lbs lost in 2 months! 

LilySlim Weight charts

2 lbs is better than last week’s 1 lb but not better than the week before that’s 5 lbs but…so far the scale has been going down for the full 2 months, never maintaining nor rising.  That is always good.  I just feel like I can’t get into the 200 and teen’s!  I’m gonna shoot for 219 for next week’s weigh in.  I also am going to start having the B-6 injections put directly into the “flap” that I was speaking of last week.  The nurse said that may help reduce it a bit and since I was putting the B-6 into my upper abs, that area was shrinking faster than the lower, making the “flap” look worse.

I have two more weigh ins before the 10 week program is done.  I will then be paying for another 10 weeks but with the Platinum Plus Package which is the 4 B-6 injections plus the Lip-Combo injection which includes:

–Lipo-MIC (so I don’t have to pay for it separately anymore) which is the combination of the 3 amino acids (Methioine, Inositol and Choline) to help liver function and;

–The vitamins: B-12, Thiamin, Riboflavin, Vitamin C, and Niacin.

Oh and I finally confessed to my sister and mother about the actually program I am using with the appetite suppressants, injections, etc. and to my surprise, it was well received by them.  I think my mother really just doesn’t want us to get Diabetes, as she has it and she always says we need to lose weight, even if she does say it bluntly. 

And it looks like by telling my sister, I may have just given myself more of a challenge because she will be starting the same type of program soon at another facility and she has a MUCH more intense workout regimen than I do (she runs and does elliptical).  I may have just upped my game with her now in it.  And throw some “Sibling Competition” into the mix…..this should prove interesting.

Weekly Weigh In – One thing is starting to concern me…

I am noticing one thing that is starting to be a bit of a concern for me. (maybe TMI ahead)

My stomach. It’s beginning to look like this:

This is not a picture of my stomach but mine is developing this pouch thing circled above.

This is not a picture of my stomach but mine is developing this pouch thing circled above.

What is happening is my upper abs are shrinking but the lower part of my stomach is starting to “flap” over.  It reminds me of a Gastric Bypass patient who has lost a lot of weight super fast and their skin just hangs.  It isn’t happening anywhere else.  My arms are actually forming nicely and my face is much less round and puffy. 

I can only guess this is because I had a lot more weight to lose.  I know that just after I had my son 9 years ago, I went on Jenny Craig and lost about 30 lbs.  However, 9 years ago, I started Jenny Craig needing to lose about 30 lbs less than what I started at this time around.  That is probably what is causing the serious skin flap going on.

And I had a C-Section when I gave birth.  I know that contributes to a lot of the flap.  Being pregnant and giving birth messes up everything about the stomach skin and texture.  I fear I will never see the stomach I used to have so many years ago.  It’s just another part of my youth that I mourn and bury into the ground.

It’s awful and I don’t like it so I have introduced stomach exercises into my 30 minute power walking routine.  Hopefully, that will make it not so flabby.  I have also started rubbing Palmer’s Cocoa Butter to smooth out the stretch marks.

I have also gotten some questions on what medical program I am following.  It is called Medislim Wellness.  It is owned by a doctor and all the workers are nurses or Physician Assistants.  I am given Phentermine, the appetite suppressants on a weekly basis, taking once a day.

Below is a scan of the flyers that were given to me on my first day. 

medislim_Page_3

medislim_Page_4

The two shown above explains what my diet should be along with meal suggestions.  Notice that carbs are under the “What you CAN NOT eat” along with no sugar (duh), breads, pasta, rice and fruit. However, I have been eating fruit and enjoying Jamba Juice for lunch on occasion.  I know my body and I’m pretty sure a Jamba Juice is better than a Jumbo Jack with bacon and large fries.  It also says no chewing gum….I’m a chewer, won’t be giving that up. Vegetables are also limited but I haven’t been skipping veggies either. Steamed broccoli for the win!

medislim_Page_1

Onto the Weight Loss Injections sheet shown above.  These are an explanation of the Vitamin Injections I get weekly. So far, I’m on the program for the 4 B-6 injections, which I have injected in the belly area and the 1 B-12, which is always injected into the upper arm. 

Not included in the package I paid for but I get on the side and pay extra for is the Lipo-MIC  injection which is #1 under Lipotronics on the sheet shown above.  I have yet to get the injections numbered 2, 3, and 4 on the sheet above.

medislim_Page_2

Above is the prices for the different packages and injections.  I have three more weeks on my current package which is the Gold Package.  After that, I will be getting the top package, the Platinum Plus Package which the 4 B-6 injections plus the Lip-Combo injection which includes:

–Lipo-MIC (so I don’t have to pay for it separately anymore) which is the combination of the 3 amino acids (Methioine, Inositol and Choline) to help liver function and;

–The vitamins: B-12, Thiamin, Riboflavin, Vitamin C, and Niacin.

 Also, the full amount for these packages are not due right away.  They divide amount by two and you pay at two different visits.

Anyway, so what were today’s results??

 1 more lb down!

Total: 20 lbs lost in 7 weeks! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Only l pound today but I did weigh in a day early.  I’m not going to be in the area tomorrow (Friday) which is my normal weigh in day.  Also, it’s THAT time of the month.  And, I didn’t work out this week as much as I did last week.  So I give the low loss this week (compared to 5 lbs last week) on weighing in a day early, not moving as much and bloat.

I will be going to the Good Will very soon to purchase some new “transition” jeans, as I call them.  I prefer to get clothes at the Good Will when I’m changing sizes and know I won’t stay in the size I’m buying.  The jeans I’m wearing right now are a size 18 but they will no longer stay on me and I don’t have to unzip them to be able to remove them.  I’m guessing I’m closer to a 16 now and *maybe* I could squeeze myself into a 14 and hang onto those until they fit comfortably.  I can’t wait to get some skinny jeans!

I found a new grocery store and a new game for The Boy

Trader Joe’s

I got some pretty yummy stuff and paid about $150 less than I normally do at Ralphs.  Now, I didn’t get to use all my coupons and I won’t get gas rewards for 10 cents off a gallon every other fill up but I got some yummy meatloaf and strange shaped peaches!  I also didn’t get some items that I normally do at a Ralph’s shopping trip but I got the basics such as eggs, milk, chocolate covered pretzels, you know! Stuff we need!

Anyway, that may be my new grocery shopping venue mostly because it took about 30 minutes.  A shopping trip at Ralph’s can take up to two hours.

Oh and Joe-Joe, the Trader Joe’s monkey, was found just before we ended our shopping trip.  He is the monkey that is hidden somewhere in the store and the kiddies have to find him and when they do, they tell a worker and they are given stickers and a small lollipop. The Boy got a kick out of that.  He was spotted just above the leafy greens and $3.99 bouquets of Sunflowers.

image

Weekly Weigh In – THAT is more like it!

Booyah! This is more like it! Ok, what did I do differently this week?

Exercise

That is the major thing that I changed and that might have made a significant impact.  I started walking for about 25-30 minutes on the treadmill 4 times this past week.  It wasn’t crazy power walking, just walking at a fast pace. I don’t run though, never have been able to, even when I was younger.

Eating is repulsive

No joke. I’m finding that just to eat or think about eating makes me want to cringe. I no longer look forward to it nor make it the center of my existence.  Hence, eating out is happening less and less and if I do eat out I spend close to nothing because I’m not getting full meals with dessert.  I would say at best, I get a side salad and soup!  Sometimes, maybe a grilled chicken and steamed veggies.

Just a few days ago, I was having trouble finishing even half of a Farmer Boy’s Chicken Cobb Salad (my favorite salad).

4f677bde7dd82_preview-300

I think I was about 5 bites into it when suddenly it looked so un-appetizing.  I couldn’t think about finishing it.  I put it away and saved the rest of it for later in the day.  It ended up being my dinner.

A few days ago, I was done early with my errands I needed to run on my lunch and just couldn’t decide what I wanted for lunch.  The thought of even getting a Protein Burger at In N Out was making me gag.  So I pulled into the Jamba Juice and got me a Pomegranate Smoothie with Pomegranate, Strawberries and Blueberries.

PomegranatePickmeup735

It was perfect and it was like CANDY to me! I guess my lunches now are Jamba Juice.

Last night for dinner I had about 5 saltine crackers and the meat from The Boy’s Supreme Croissant Breakfast sandwich that he didn’t finish. Oh and about 4 bottles of water.

It’s the appetite suppressants that I mentioned a few weeks ago, Phentermine.  They have literally given me such an aversion to food.  Other “side effects” I’m seeing are dry mouth and being very thirsty.  I did have trouble sleeping a few weeks ago to but that has passed.  I’ve always been one to drink water a lot even before starting this so I’m used to drinking water and the many visits to the bathroom that drinking lots of water creates.

Oh and I’m hearing that Man of Steel is pretty good.  I’m excited about that movie!

Anyway, so what were today’s results??

 5 more lbs down! (HOLY CRAP!)

Total : 19 lbs lost in 6 weeks! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Look at that BIG drop in the dots!

That made me laugh 😛

Weekly Weigh In – So now the “looks” begin….

These are different looks. Usually, I’m getting looks from people’s faces that say “Wow she really should be wearing a Moo Moo“.

But these looks are different. They are more of shocked looks yet, they are not insultive looks.

These are looks from people’s faces that say “whoa wait…didn’t she have A LOT more going on in the hip area?!?”

As I walk down the hallways of my office, I pass by offices and people who I’ve been passing by for the past year. I notice these looks I describe above on faces I’ve recognized for a year. It’s a bit refreshing and I find it intriguing that not a word has to be said. It’s all in their faces. It kinda makes me re-think how much care I should start putting into my facial reactions to situations. Nonetheless, I look forward to even more profound looks as the numbers keep going down.

Anyway, onto today’s weigh in……I’m not to happy with it this week. I’m thinking it’s because either:

A) I’m at a plateau, although I can’t say it’s a plateau until it happens over the course of a few weeks.

 or

B) I need to start moving more. I will admit last week I didn’t do much of anything along the ways of exercise. I did the treadmill once and was kinda lazy.

Also, I did have some “Congratulations on 1 Year!” cake that my co-workers got me for reaching my 1 year anniversary at this office. However, I pretty much only ate the strawberry filling and took 2 bites of the cake and threw the rest out.  And I did eat the tortilla on the McWrap I had last night……

However, I do know that my portions are pretty much half if not 3/4’s of what they used to be. I have never pushed away extra food or a half eaten plate as much as I have in the past 4 weeks! It’s like I get nauseated just thinking about over eating, a problem I’ve had for as long as I can remember.

So, after a steady 3 lb loss in the past 3 weeks….it’s starting to slow down. Well today it did, but honestly, I think something was wrong with the scale that they used.  It had to be adjusted a few times and wouldn’t go to zero until a few buttons were pushed.

Regardless, clothing is beginning to fit looser and people are starting to notice.

Today’s results:

 1 more lb down!

Total : 14 lb lost in 5 weeks! 

Weekly Weigh in – Things that feel different this time

Today, is the 1 month mark of this journey. It’s time to jump on the scale again and see what’s what.  I know I said this the last time, but the appetite suppressants really work.  I am someone who will tend to over eat, badly. As of the past 3 weeks, I am literally pushing half finished plates away rather than eating the whole plate and then some more. Sometimes, I don’t even want to eat, but do because I can’t not eat, but the portion is super small. It’s like food isn’t on the top of my agenda now. It’s hard to explain, but very real.

I’ve noticed some other things different this time around, as I have done this many times in my 36 years on this planet.

Slow and Steady

I’m noticing that it isn’t coming off as fast right away. Seeing it come off fast right at the beginning is something that has happened in the past. For instance, the last time I did this was a year ago with Jenny Craig. The first week, I lost 6 lbs, then about 2-3 average a week (only did that for about a  month though, then it came right back on).  It coming off slowly isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  Usually, when it comes off fast, it goes right back on faster. I’m learning how to make better choices and doing it over time.

Eat This, Not That

I’m adjusting to how I can eat and what choices I have when I am cutting out things like breads and pastas.  I still go out to restaurants but forgo things like the bread basket. I also still visit the drive thru’s on occasion, very rarely.

For instance, I went through the McDonald’s drive through on Wednesday to quickly pick up something for The Boy. I knew I needed to eat but there is really nothing at McDonald’s I can have and I can’t stand their weak salads. Then I noticed the new Chicken McWrap.

mcdonalds_mcwrap

I knew that the flour tortilla was a big no-no so I just ate half of it and pretty much ate the chicken and lettuce inside. It was pretty good and I believe a much better choice than the Big Mac and Fries.  I actually rarely go to McDonald’s though but, when I do, the McWrap will be my new choice.

Where the fat leaves first

When I started this journey at 245 lbs, that was the highest weight I’ve ever been and I think the reason it’s coming off differently than it has before.  I think my face is showing it first, that is usually what happens. However, my pants are not fitting significantly looser and at this point they usually are.  However, I don’t feel like I’m a stuffed sausage in my pants anymore. So that is always a good thing. It’s not anything that discourages me though.  It’s just interesting.

You MUST work out 7 days a week for 2 hours!

No, actually, I don’t! I used to be obsessed with power walking for miles on end on that silly treadmill. I just can’t focus on exercise like that this time around. What I try to do is just simply move. Whether its cleaning the house, going out to the pool to play with The Boy, walking around the mall or just plugging in my dance music and dancing in my living room! I just need to move. My apartment complex does have a nice little exercise room with ellipticals, treadmills and weight lifting and I do visit it about 2 times a week. But I don’t obsess about getting in there every single day.  When I do get in there, it’s a power walk on the treadmill for about 30 minutes.  I’m not going to tire myself out just to get a workout every single day. It’s still coming off.

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The Boy made a great observation a few days ago. We went to get Cold Stone’s (yes, I had a small size of chocolate with some peanut butter….) and he dropped his spoon. I quickly bent down and picked it up as to avoid it being on the floor longer than it needed to. The Boy stated that I bent down and stood back up fairly quickly. He said that in the past, I would do things like that slowly, haggardly, without any energy.

I thought about that for a moment and found that VERY interesting. That is something I have never considered. It’s the little goals that make the big difference. 

Anyway, onto today’s weigh in…… 

Today’s results:

3 more lbs down!

Total : 13 lbs lost in a month! 

I want to keep seeing those dots going down…..

Weekly Weigh In

So the appetite suppresant pills I’m taking REALLY work. It is Phentermine. I have to say though, it’s a bizarre feeling to not want to eat ALL the time, hungry or not. Last night, all I ate was a hamburger patty with melted cheese on it. I didn’t want anything else and actually didn’t THINK about wanting to snack.

I think the last time I felt like that was about 15 years ago, when I was on Crystal Meth for 3 days (yeah…Crystal was my drug of choice… blegh) and didn’t eat anything…stomach never growled or anything. So yeah, flashbacks much?!?

Today, along with getting the B-12 and 4 B-6 shots, I got a Lipotronic shot which is compounds that help catalyse the breakdown of fat during metabolism in the body. We’ll see how I react to those, but so far, so good for the others. I think the only “side effect” is semi insomnia as I keep waking up in the middle of the night between 1-3 a.m. but fall right back to sleep soon enough.

Today’s results…….

3 more lbs down!

Total : 10 lbs lost in 3 weeks!

I finally went the medical way…

So I wasn’t to far off from my weight prediction. I weighed in at my sisters floor scale at 243 about 2 months ago

At the doctor’s office today, it was at 245. Blegh

LilySlim Weight charts

I was shooting for losing 100 lbs but they put me at losing only about 80.

I got my two B-6 shots and I probably should have gotten more but I wanted to take it slow. I’ll return on Wednesday and pay up for the 10 weeks. That should get me the B-6 and B-12 shots and some vitamin pills, weekly.

But basically, the doctor said:

CUT OUT CARBS ENTIRELY!

What’s new? It’s not an unknown fact  that carbs are bad. He was saying having a burger is fine, just replace the  buns with lettuce. And I do love my Protein Style In N Out cheeseburgers. Pretty much any fast food join will replace the buns with lettuce if you ask.

Just no onions, and I never get to have In N out Fries again :(

Just no onions, and I never get to have In N out Fries again 😦

Yeah, that last part, of the no more fries, makes me bit of a sad panda but, it is what it is.

I honestly, think I can live with that though. I still get to eat out, just can’t have the dinner rolls or unlimited bread sticks. I’m also going to cut back on soda and the amount of flavored creamer I put in my coffee.

We shall see how it goes!

The Day I Almost Died

In the course of my life, I have had 4 surgeries. Hospital visits are not uncommon to me.

This story, is about the one hospital visit, where I almost left the hospital to go straight to the morgue.

I was 6 years old and it was 1983. Yes, that is young but a lot of this I do remember. Some of the holes were filled in by my parents but it all fell into place with the memories I do have.

My parents, my 1-year-old sister and I were on one of those Cult Religion trips that we took every year, in September. This particular year my parents chose Tuscon, Arizona to spend the week.  So, we drove from Los Angeles, California to Tuscon, Arizona. This is approximately an 8 hour drive.

Map

We had just started the trip and stopped at a hotel. The following is from my memory:

I was taking a shower. I’m still shocked my parents allowed me to shower with no supervision. Or maybe I was independent like that, I would believe it.  I dropped the soap. I see it on the floor of the shower. I was a kid, I was probably fooling around and I stepped on the soap which slipped from under my foot and sent me flying towards the edge of the tub. The edge of the tub meets my abdomen right on the lower right section.

I get up, I’m screaming and I walk out of the bathroom to meet my startled parents. I don’t remember much after that but from what my mother tells me, to her it seemed like I just had the wind knocked out of me. I was fine after a few minutes.

This scenario above will play a big role in what is to come.

We spent the whole week in Tucson with no problems. I remember going out to eat with my family and their friends. I remember staying in a nice bungalow type room for the week. I even remember playing in the stone lined pool.  All was as it should be.

It wasn’t until the day before we were supposed to leave did the vomiting start. My mother told me at first she thought I got food poisoning. I always had stomach and/or digestive problems when I was younger so my mother was used to me having slight tummy aches and constipation. But this was something different.

We finally went to our last church service of the week (there were church services every morning for two hours every day of that week).  We decided to have lunch at a cafeteria type place. I remember it was similar to a Hometown Buffet or Souplantation.

I didn’t eat a thing. My stomach was in full panic mode. At this point, my mother still believed it was some sort of stomach bug. I vomited half way through lunch and my mother rushed me to the bathroom. I still remember this bathroom. It was painted a yellowish-green. I remember a woman telling my mother to put a cold paper towel on my head.

I was still able to manage a smile for one family photo outside the restaurant although just minutes before I had vomited up all my insides.

I actually don’t remember if we started our 8 hour road trip back to California after lunch, later that day or the next day. But it was on this return trip back to California when the horror happened.

This is what I remember.

I was in the back seat, on the passenger side. My baby sister was in a car seat on the driver side. We were in a rental car, I think.

My stomach was on fire. Right now, typing out this memory makes me want to cry because even 30 years later I still remember that pain.

It happened while we were in the middle of the 8 hour road trip and right in the middle of the strip of nothing (as I call it) that is in between Arizona and California.

My appendix exploded.

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The road we were on when it burst pretty much looked like this, for miles.

Now, I was writhing around crying before it burst but the pain of when it actually happened was more than I care to remember. The pain was indescribable. I’ve given birth to a child and that was painful. And remember, I do have a low tolerance for pain and maybe this experience was why I have a low tolerance for pain. I was only 6. Pain petrifies me to this day. But this pain was horrifying.

Back to the moment it burst, for I knew exactly when it did. Up until that moment, the pain was more a dull stomach ache but times 20. When it burst, it literally felt like someone had stuck a huge red hot poker into my lower right abdomen and then scrambled my insides around. Remember, I was 6…and still remember the pain. That is how bad it was and how much it impacted my memory banks.

I can see my parents, at the moment this happened. My father was driving, my mother was in the front passenger seat but facing me in the back seat, behind her. They both looked at each other and seemed to tell each other that they other knew what was happening. Since they were on that road you see pictured above, with nothing around, my father floored the gas. He drove about 90 mph. My mother said that she hoped a cop would have pulled them over because maybe they could have escorted them. But surprisingly, no cops were around. Luckily, the roads were empty and it was late at night. It would have been awful if they got in an accident trying to get me to a hospital and my family was killed. Blegh…

About 2 hours after the initial bursting of my internal organ, we arrived at Huntington Memorial Hospital in Pasadena CA. Ironically, this was the same hospital I gave birth to my son, 21 years later and was also the same hospital that I had another organ removed, my gall bladder, a year after giving birth to my son.

It is necessary to note that somewhere in those 2 hours after the appendix burst, the pain had stopped, completely. Very strange.

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When my father pulled up to the ER of the hospital my mother ran inside to inform them what was going on and a nurse came out with a wheelchair.

Being that I wasn’t in pain, I remember sitting in the back seat twiddling my thumbs as we pulled up to the ER. I can still see my thumbs moving between each other. And I was humming, like a bored child would. But my thumbs were the only things moving.

My father got out of the driver seat, went around to open my door and my mother went around the other side of the car to get my 1 year-old sister out of the car, who had apparently slept through this whole ordeal. As my father opened the door, out of habit I made the movements to jump out. Except that is not what happened.

My legs would not move, at all.  Ah, so that is why the pain stopped so abruptly.

I was temporarily paralyzed from my chest to my toes. What my parents were later told as to why I couldn’t walk was because I had been dormant for so long after the appendix burst and poison fluids had leaked out from the burst appendix.  This rendered my lower body numb. So even though I felt paralyzed as I couldn’t move my lower extremities, my body was just numb. As if it went to sleep. It was still shocking for my dad.

He scooped me up and by that time, a nurse with the wheelchair was behind him and I was placed there.

What happened next was probably the blurriest of these memories. I remember laying in a hospital ER bed, getting needles poked into me,  my blood being taken from all sides. I remember my mother’s face, crying.

I know that soon after that, I went into surgery and the burst appendix was removed and all the fluid cleaned up.

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I remember, being in a nice big hospital room. There were many visitors, lots of my parents friends and friends of the family. My grandfather anointed me (as was the custom in our religion to do for the sick and ailing).

I was in the hospital for 3 weeks to recover. I was weak and it took me a while to be able to eat normally. I was only 6 so I didn’t weigh much but after those 3 weeks, I weighed close to nothing. I recall a photo I found many years ago of me, just after that ordeal, and I had just turned 7, and I was still so skinny. It was bizarre to see.

I know that during that time hospital stay my mother wrote down all her thoughts. I have seen some pieces of what she wrote as she wrote a lot of it on scrap paper she found, such as envelopes and napkins. I remember reading  “They just wheeled by baby into surgery…”.   I could not even imagine what horror she must have gone through. You know, my mother and I may not get along most of the time and we certainly don’t agree on much of anything, but I would never wish for any mother to go through this trauma. I felt for her.

This especially became apparent when, many years later. I got to experience this all through her eyes as she relayed the experience to me from her perspective.

She said that the doctors told her two things that astonished her.

1) They told her I should have died. When the appendix burst poisoned fluids were given at least 2 hours to float around inside me, which would have poisoned every organ it touched.  But to their astonishment, only about 10% of the poison escaped. What happened was that the fatty tissues of my belly (I was a little chubby), kept all the poison in one area, kind of making a bowl so that it would not to escape.

That was one time I was grateful for my fat.

and

2) They asked my mother this “Did she have any kind of fall or blunt trauma to the right area of her abdomen within the past week?”

Scroll up…….

A simple bar of soap could have ended my life.

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Life is a crazy thing.

What disorder is this and what is wrong with me?!

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This kind of mutilation can happen a regular basis…

The above picture is of my right thumb. I did that massacre to myself and sometimes I don’t even know I’m doing it.. On a regular basis, pretty much all of my fingers and thumbs look like the above. I didn’t think my readers would have the stomach to see the other fingers on my hand. All of my fingers and even this thumb pictured, have been since cleaned and doused with neosporin and bandaged. It survived.

This is what happens.

I, unconsciously, pick and tear at my cuticles. I can do this in my sleep, or while I’m driving or just while I’m walking down the hall. My point is, I do it constantly and randomly.

Recently, after cleaning up a truly horrible massacre on my thumb, and 4 other fingers, I looked at them, all wrapped up in small band aids filled with neosporin and wrapped in white tape and I remembered someone else who wore white tape on the tips of his fingers and I would say, after a bit clean up, my hands look just like his.

Someone named Michael Jackson…michael_jackson_

Some say that he did it because of his Vitiligo disease.

Some say that he did it to draw attention to the movements of his hands while he was dancing and performing.

I think otherwise. As I look down at my fingers that I’ve since cleaned up from the above photo, and notice that they are very similar to his hands seen here, it makes me wonder.

Did Michael have this problem too? He seemed like the type of obsessive person to do something like this. Then again, I didn’t know him so I am making assumptions.

I have never really sat down and figured out what this problem was labeled as. So I went to the internet. I found disorders on obsessive fingernail biting. But that is not what this is. I don’t do this with my teeth. I do this with my nails. I pick and tear the skin around the nails (the cuticles) until there is lots of bleeding. I’ve sometimes bled on work documents and cursed whatever this “disorder” is.

Then, I found it.

Dermatillomania – Episodes of skin picking are often preceded or accompanied by tension, anxiety, or stress. The region most commonly picked is the face, but other frequent locations include the arms, legs, back, gums, lips, shoulders, scalp, stomach, chest, and extremities such as the fingernails, cuticles, and toenails.  Most patients with dermatillomania report having a primary area of the body that they focus their picking on, but they will often move to other areas of the body to allow their primary picking area to heal.

This was it. Yes, I do move onto different fingers when one or two or three fingers become to painful and are bleeding. After all, I have 8 fingers and 2 thumbs to choose from.

When I read this I realized, yes, as I’ve gotten older I have been known to pick at my face to. But not excessively since my face is much more visible, more so than my finger tips, which I can hide. I certainly don’t pick my face to bleeding.

But picking at my cuticles has been something I’ve done for as long as I can remember. As I have gotten older, its gotten worse.

At some points, it can be so bad that even dipping my hands in lukewarm water burns the raw areas around my nails. The only solution to ease the pain of the raw skin is neosporin, small bandaids and tape.  When its gets really bad at work and I’ve realized what I’ve done, I will raid the office medicine cabinet of small band aids and Antibiotic Ointment.

There is another solution to allow my skin to heal. I get fake nails put on. I can’t pick at them with fake nails because it doesn’t give me the same feeling as picking with my real nails. This leads me to believe it is a mental disorder.

When fake nails are put on, I forgo the picking and the cuticles heal. But the minute those fake nails come off, the bleeding is back with a vengeance. I could keep putting fake nails on but I’m not one to pay for something like that and keep going every two weeks to get them filled.

I’ve never thought myself to have any types of obsessive disorders. But I really wonder if this is even close to cutting?

The ironic thing is…I hate pain.

no-pain

I know that some people have a higher tolerance for pain than others. I have no tolerance for pain. For instance, if someone who can tolerate pain said the pain is at about a 5…I would put that same amount of pain at a 20. I am a wimp.

Yet, when I do this to my fingers, as I mentioned about about the lukewarm water, the pain can be pretty bad and I continue to do this to myself!!

I guess I can tell myself it’s not as bad as cutting and my fingers don’t get so bad that they get infected (probably because I douse them in neosporin when they are to raw to pick at anymore) but still, it can be embarrassing when others see my hands and see how raw and red they are. I wonder what they must think of me.

I guess I should try and stop.

This was taken on my wedding day, October 2001. It was soon after this, that my fingers began to suffer.

This was taken on my wedding day, October 2001. It was soon after this, that my fingers began to suffer.

An appointment has been made….

I have made an appointment for this Saturday to see a medical doctor specifically about weight loss.

This is a different path for me regarding weight loss. I’ve done the conventional diets, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, all those. But I’ve never asked a medical professional about this.

What prompted me were three numbers. If these numbers were the amount of dollars in my wallet right now or my IQ I would be fine.

But they are not. These numbers are my weight.

243

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Plushie Pretzel

I’m a bit nervous. Why? Well it’s simply because of this.

I love food. If food, or carbs to be exact, were a squishy little plushie doll that I could squeeze I would. And now I realize…I will have to give up a lot of it.

However, on the flip side, I hate food to. I hate the way I feel after I gorge on food. I hate that a fast food joint taunts me at every turn. Fuck fast food!

Food is not bad for me. Over eating is. I eat food (and mostly the bad kind) like an alcoholic abuses whiskey. I know that I will have to abandon my fast food lunches. I’m going to try. On Sunday, I went to Souplantation and filled up on baby greens and veggies. I did NOT even visit the bread bar, but had a small helping of wheat pasta in lemon sauce. But there was NO bread. And that was hard because I love the little pizza bread things at Souplantation.

But I can’t be fat anymore. I can’t be addicted to food anymore. Every organ in my body is screaming “HELP US! WE ARE GETTING OVERWHELMED BY THE FAT!!”  I have a fatty liver, diagnosed a few years ago because of the fat around my belly. And that was a few years ago, about 20 lbs less than I am now.

Can someone die from fat? I think so. On the inside and on the outside and all in between.

So, I will see what a medical professional has to say about this and maybe there is another way to do this. I hope so.

Living life as a fat, ugly girl

I realize that is a harsh title. It was harsh to write. However, it is the truth.

“Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder”

I have always guffawed at that statement. We are human. We thrive on pleasure. Everyone will enjoy looking at a pleasurable face over an ugly or plain face. If anyone says otherwise, they are a lying.

Again, it is harsh for me to say it, but it is the truth. Our eyes want to see beauty not just in the form of a person’s face but in landscapes, colors, maybe a beautiful colored flower garden or a painting.

Humans enjoy beauty.

Humans will also shun those who are not seen as beautiful. Then again, Society is responsible for a lot of this to but in reality, what is Society made up of. Humans. And again, if one claims to not have done this at least once in their life, I call them liars.

I have never felt or ever considered myself beautiful by any means. I have always considered myself a Plain Jane. I do not like make up.  I never was one to wear a lot of make up outside of going to a special event.  As I’ve gotten older, I simply can’t wear it anymore. My eyes water and my skin itches. Make up and me, are no longer friends.

I never spent hours on my hair every day. For the most part, I wore it short just to keep it easy. However, I will admit, that when it is long, it is my best feature. But even my best “beauty” feature is becoming null and void because I’m losing my hair and if I don’t take the time to dye it ever two weeks, the greying ages me 20 years. And yes, I have a full head of pretty much “salt and pepper” hair (if I don’t dye regularly). It’s mortifying but I’ve been greying since I was 16. It was inevitable.

These are a few examples of when I was shunned for lacking beauty.

1) I was 20 and the current boyfriend I had was driving us to go pick up an old friend of his. We did pick him up, and as the night went on, I over heard this old friend telling my boyfriend just this, word for word, (I wished I could forget it) “Dude, you can do better than *that*. She is a dog” …….No.joke. Welcome to my memories..

2) I’m working at a pretty well known high end restaurant here in S. California. I was a hostess. I had been there for all of a few weeks. I over hear the male waiters and kitchen staff say (again, wished I could erase my memory) “oh that one…? that one is butt ugly.”

These are just two examples I remember…I may have mentally blocked a lot out.

Weight is just a Number

I’ve also never been able to keep a “healthy” weight. My first diet was at 12 years old, Weight Watchers.

I can remember being teased many times in my childhood (along with the many humiliations elementary school provided). One particular sticks to mind.

I was at a roller skating rink at a church function and a boy who always teased me for some reason told me “you don’t need skates, you will just rollll out there”. I’m sure you all understood what he meant.

Another was this boys’ sister who was on the same church cheerleading squad. One time, she was in the dressing room and she grabbed my cheer skirt, which was about 3 sizes to big for her and proceeded to put it on and dance around in it, showing all the other girls that it was 3 sizes to big.

Now, I know that others with the same issues as myself may have had similar stories and I’m sure even worse stories, but these were the few I remembered.

It’s because of these human reactions to fat and ugliness that I have always been over looked.  I have never turned any eyes, I’ve remained extremely shy which lead to a pretty much non-existent self-esteem and self-worth.

I was on and off diets my whole life. I do recall three times where a certain “diet” worked and I was at a very nice looking weight. But as is the norm, this weight never stayed off.

The first was when I was 17.  I was about 155 lbs at this age. Oddly enough, it was a Richard Simmons diet. Yes, you read that right. Richard Simmons. It looked kinda like this:

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The concept was easy enough and the foundation for any diet plan. You have a certain amount of certain types of food, which the color coded cards represented. When that food was eaten, the color coded card that represents that food (ex. Pink cards were fruit), was moved over to the right slots under breakfast, lunch or dinner. When all the cards were gone, you were done eating for the day. I got my weight down to 140 lbs. People thought I was sick, I got so skinny.  However, according to the “charts”, 140 is not “skinny” for a 5 foot 4 inch female. Yet, I was skinny enough for people to think I was sick.

As I said, I was 17 when I started this and the personal happenings in my life had a lot to do with the weight loss. I was in my Sr. year in high school and didn’t have ONE friend (yes you read that right…I had not ONE friend my Sr. year in high school, I didn’t even go to my Sr. prom or Grad Night). Also, I only went to school half days. I left at Noon, I got on a bus down the street from my school, drove on the bus for 10 miles to an afternoon filing job at a mortgage company. This was my Senior year in high school. On the weekend, I would visit my best friend at UC San Diego where she was doing her Freshman year in college.

The second time I lost a lot of weight was the first few months of my marriage in 2001-02.  I’m sure my husband at the time was afraid of the whale I could possibly become and he monitored ALL my eating. He made my lunches, made our dinners. I was watched constantly.

The third time, was 10 months after I had my child. I was a around 210 lbs. It was also probably the only time that I actually COULD have kept it off permanently. But life always gets in the way. I worked for L.A.P.D. as a time keeping clerk. In the station, there was a great exercise room. I worked PM watch so my “lunch break” would be around 8 or 9 pm. I would spend that time watching LOST in the exercise room on the elliptical. Also, I started Jenny Craig, as a few years before I had paid to be a lifetime member and could join for free (“plus the cost of food“). Jenny always worked for me. It was planned out meals, I didn’t have to do anything but heat them up, eat them and do my hour on the elliptical. I got down to 165 lbs.

It was this time that I lost the most and felt great because I was doing power exercise (the elliptical is a good workout) along with it. However, I was also going through a lot of rough times living with my parents and having a newborn/infant.

It was the diet yo-yo

It was the diet yo-yo

I gained all that back after I quite my LAPD job (it was to far to travel there from my parents house) and then lost the new city job I got only 3 months after that. I then moved up to Washington state for 3 months, then moved back. Then it just started piling on again.

I think the most of what I’ve gained has been this past year though. I tried Jenny Craig again, this time last year and was up to 15lbs lost but it is expensive.

I’m now pushing 250lbs.

Let’s look at all the three times the diets worked. First, I was 17….17! I was young and vivacious. Anything would have worked fast. Second time, it wasn’t me that was pushing it. It was my husband at the time who was afraid I would turn into a walrus. Third, I wanted to lose baby weight and had the time, money and resources to exercise without interruption.

I wished that the storyline from Tyler Perry’s “Why did I get Married?” was true. The storyline I’m talking about is a very large Sheila, finally dumps her husband who does nothing but make fun of her because she is fat and who is also cheating on her.

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Sheila is made fun of by her husband. He was awful to her.

She just *happens* to run into a good looking sheriff who miraculously thinks she is perfect for his perfect self (well he does tell her if she doesn’t like herself to change it but with him as motivation…)_MG_9793.CR2

He helps her to feel better about herself and even drop some pounds into the woman you see in the picture below (on far left)

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(uh…not in the real world sister….)

And at the end, she admits to her friends she’s happy and he works out with her and all is well in the world of fatness…

Bull.Shit (I don’t make fun of the movie as it was great…just the concept).

For me, none of those things are apparent in my life right now. I do try to cook meals at home.  Chicken, lean beef and steamed veggies because its not just me, its a kid I have to cook for to. And I will admit that fast food is the Devil’s food for me.

But its the exercise. I am just dormant. The motivation is not there and that is the key with me.

Also, I have the metabolism of a turtle. I realized there was a pattern. To lose weight, I needed to eat below 1000 calories a day (sometimes less) and do aerobic exercise at least 2 hours a day. I do not joke about that. When I lost the most weight, I was doing just that. My exercise regimens were brutal. I don’t have time for that right now. I’m so exhausted all I want to do is sleep.

I’m half way through my life and I realize these things about me:

I have never been one to “stop traffic” per say.

I have never been one to make a guy side glance.

I’m reminded of this scene in the movie Big Fish

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He sees her at the opposite end of a crowded circus tent

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Time stops for him, completely as she is the only thing that he sees in the whole room.

That will never happen to me. Even in my youth it was never going to happen. I never turned heads. Hell, even the husband I did get was probably to drunk to realize he was marrying an “ugly cow” and when he did realize he sure wasn’t slow in admitting it to my face he never loved me and thought I wasn’t physically appealing. (hence, the lack of sex as the marriage marched towards its end).

At this point in my life, I feel like I live with only one purpose. To make sure that the child God chose for me to take care of is fed, clothed, educated and taught right from wrong. I will just continue to do that as I realize that my good years are all gone.

I know that tons of women go through some of the examples I gave of when people were mean. I wished it wasn’t so.

Finally: The picture below was 13 years ago, I was 24. It was my wedding day, and what you see here is both hope and denial beaming from me. More of the latter, than the former.

Hope that all the red flags in the person I was about to marry were not really there.

And Denial, that the red flags weren’t really there.

Me on my wedding day – 155lbs

I think enough…is enough.

I’ve been contemplating things again.

Many moons ago, I wrote a bit on how I randomly got on my sister’s scale and the number that jumped out at me was horrifying. 12231429_l_1363783984

I’m sure since then, that number has risen. I’m tired of being tired. If that makes any sense. I used to bounce around and not need a tank of oxygen after one small flight of stairs.

Speaking of stairs, after writing about how hauling grocery bags up one flight of stairs and feeling like my heart was going to jump out of my chest and about the 36 years I’ve lived mostly fat, I believe that its time for another attempt at trying to get rid of some of this weight. The process of actually typing out my weight history and thoughts and then seeing it on the screen in black and white, made me think.

Oh I still think that humans are visual. But at this point I don’t care. I’m not trying to snag a new husband with my soon to be skinny butt (crossing fingers). I’m trying to be able to walk up a flight of stairs with out needing an ambulance or walk around my favorite amusement park without my feet feeling like they are going to fall off.  The last example, I know is because I’m fat because about 60 lbs ago, I used to be able to walk Disneyland from 9am until 9pm and barely feel any pain.

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My sister has been on a weight loss kick. She has cut out carbs (I’m starting to believe the Devil invented carbs) and does her elliptical every day.

For me, its takes a bit more than that. I’ve already mentioned my success on Jenny Craig but the cost of it is a bit much. I am on the lifetime plan with Jenny so I don’t have to pay the start up fee but I do have to pay for the weekly food, which can average about $100 a week. Uh, nope. Also, its all Jenny frozen foods. Therefore, once off the Jenny foods, weight climbs back on like a monkey up a tree!

I’ve decided to go another way. I need to cut out two things:

1) Fast food – fuck that Devil crap

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2) Carbs – the bad kind because really I don’t need that extra piece of dinner roll.  Thanks Mr. Mackey.

I also think I’ll up the proteins like lean chicken and very lean beef. I wish I liked fish but I can’t stand it. That is to bad because I know that is a good protein to. I just can’t do fish.

I will also be seeing a medical nutritionist recommended by my doctor. I have an appointment set for next week.

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Something else happened other than wheezing up one flight of stairs and my feet hurting after walking around Disneyland for only an hour.

The other day, I had this conversation with The Boy:

Me (after realizing I can’t walk all day at Disneyland like I could 8 years and 60 lbs ago): *kinda under my breath* “I just can’t do this anymore….I need to lose weight”

The Boy: “It’s ok Mommy. There is always someone fatter than you. You still don’t look bad”

Him saying that left me with a sick “blegh” feeling inside me. I don’t want him to think about others as “fatter than me”. He shouldn’t be thinking about “fat” at all.  And I certainly didn’t want him to see me as fat but worse, I certainly didn’t want him to feel pressured into defending me to any future meanies who could possibly make fun of his fat mama.

Just tons of …….

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I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t at least give this another shot. Even if it would be the 100th time in my life I try to lose weight again.

But its worth a try.