Do I even exist?

I’m finding it hard to get anybody to pay attention to me lately? I feel like that photo in Back to the Future where Marty’s siblings are disappearing slowly.  That is me. I’m slowly just not existing.

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I can’t get any affection out of my kid anymore since he’s an oh so big teen now……yeah.

I haven’t felt the love of a man since….well I could say since my marriage ended in 2004 but that man didn’t really love me so technically, never. I’ve never felt love returned to me.

Just the other day, I told a co-worker, after she suggested to me I take “friends” up to a place here, that I didn’t have any friends.  I swear, the look she gave me was both terrified and amused.  “How could one not have one single friend“, I’m sure is what she thought in her mind.  Well, come shake my hand, that would be me. My mother sucks up all the energy I have and it’s enough that I try and go on outtings with my son, without including her and have to hear the “whoa is me, I can’t do anything becuase I can’t take your father anywhere”. It’s enough my own son takes me “away” from her…I can’t imagine what grief she’d give me if a lesser important person did such.  So, I just accept not having one friend.

Days meld into each other as I see my son growing and moving farther from me.  The inevitable is soon upon me….

I will soon be non-existent to anyone except the cats when I become the Cat Lady.

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