Life is unpredictable and predictable

I remember back in the day (tag weight lost link)…I started at 245 lbs. Over the course of almost 2 years, I lost 70 of it.  That 70 has slowly and steadily been creeping back on.  It’s all about monitoring what goes in my mouth and SERIOUSLY not giving in to the shit that is out there.  And walking…walking walking…walking works for me.  Because of my back injury which I believe was due to 30 minutes on the Elliptical every day, I can not longer work out with weights nor on the Elliptical. So I walk.  That is all I can do.

But then that means I pretty much eat…well nothing.  I just can’t. As I get older my body is begging to process it’s shut down.  A cheeseburger from Jack in the Crack weighs me down for days and I mean days.  I’m doing more smoothies and a detox.  But other than that, there is really nothing more I can do.  My body is just….getting old. And it’s showing signs of wear and tear.  That can’t be helped.

But as of this morning, after years of up and down…I’m back up to 210lbs. I’m so tired of fighting genetics…so tired.

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Life is messy….yet very clean

 

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And on and on the roller coaster goes….

I realized that I needed to find SOMETHING that would move my frame of mind out of how my current job started off on the wrong foot back in March and get more positive.  It hit me.  They will pay for me to go back to college to finish my Psychology degree.

And they are…

boise-state-university-annual-family-holiday-conce-45So, within weeks I had my Boise State University application filled out turned in and all paperwork needed for the tuition waiver turned in. I was accepted as were my credits from the Community College I got my A.A. from back in California and graduated from in 2001.  I went to transfer student orientation last Friday and I start my 2 paid for classes in a week.

Being that I am working full time I will not be able to take a full schedule each semester but if I did, I would be closer to a Psych BS than I thought and would have been done in a year. But I work, which means only 2 classes or less per semester but that is going to work out fine because my employer only pays for 9 credits a semester anyway.  The road is a bit longer but it is drive-able.

I am excited. Mostly, because after many years of giving all of myself to others, after many years of suppressing my personality and what I enjoy and me being the one who has to do the changes, but more specifically of giving myself to being a mother, I am doing something for ME.  So as long as I stay with this employer, which I see happening, this will get done. UvpC1jt

And I love school. I always have. I love library’s and studying instruments. I’ve always been a “book” person.  I love getting organized for classes.  I prefer to actually going to a classroom setting but again, because of my schedule, it’s online classes for me….at least for now.  Until The Boy gets old enough to really be by himself, which is probably now, I just still have to test him.  He is 13 1/2 anyway….

Now I walk the long road that is tests and books.

Seeing the future….it looks sad.

I’m coming to realize that my mother, has some SERIOUS mental issues.  Not schizophrenic or hearing voices.  She has some serious, beyond normal separation anxiety issues.  I have believed for years that she has Borderline Personality Disorder.

The most recent occurrence comes to mind. My son is 13, and will be going to a summer camp where I will be dropping him off in the morning and picking him up in the afternoon after work.  She will no long be doing that task which is what she’s been doing since about mid-March, dropped him off at school and picked him up from school.

I swear, the way she reacts to this, one would think that my son DIED.  She gets really upset when she realizes that we don’t need her all the time anymore.  Like I mentioned above, severe separation anxiety issues. When she a gets in this mode, she begins to throw around fals accusations.  She actually accused my son of saying he no longer wanted to be around him or my ailing father. I was shocked and was like “WHAT?” Turns out, when I actually got away from texting her (because through a text is the easiest way for her to lie and it’s her #1 source of communication when she doesn’t want me to force her to see the truth) and dialed her on the phone to get this info….surprise….surprise, the back peddling begins. No, he never said that.  That is just the way she feels.  That was a heavy accusation but I can expect nothing less from someone who is emotional unstable.  I never know what I’m walking into when I go to see her.

But I know that the looming gloom of the future days for her has got to be overwhelming.  Her “Golden Years” will not be filled with RV trips and 20 grand kids playing swings in her back yard.  Her days are going to be filled with loneliness and pain.  They will be filled with taking care of someone who used to be her soulmate and still is but no longer has the mind to communicate.

The pity I feel is for her, realizing this is her life, is what helps me get through her unstable moods and horrible words….for instance……

…..nothing like being told that I’m just WAITING for her and my beloved Dementia riddled father to die so I can live in their house and get an inheritance.  That one will never cease to sting, each time I think of it….

And that was just the most recent.  Being her daughter has meant a lifetime of put downs, and insults. As of now, little things are said daily, to me, about me, about my son.  How I’m failing in everything.  Over the years, those I really have learned to shake off, get up, say my goodbyes and state that we will try again another day.  But it never changes.  She just continues to spit out her venon in the form of insults, whether they are true or far fetched.

And never an apology….but OH God forbid my sister or I say anything remotely unkind to her…all hell breaks loose and she’s the properly placed victim.

But that is what makes me sad the most.  She has turned into someone that I only tolerate because she gave me life. Other than that, I offer no more of myself.  I just can’t get past her abrasive, cold attitude.  She doesn’t appreciate what my sister and I have done for her, helped her.  She is just wrapped up in her own world where it’s all about her, all the time. Anything else happens that doesn’t involve her (i.e. I take a small car trip with my son without her…..I get the “guilt trip, I’m stuck here alone with your father” act).

I wonder….I wonder if some day I can look at her and actually tell her how HARD she made it to even slightly love her.

But what I wonder most….is would she even care.

Dentist….that is all this title needs to say

In about an hour, I will be sitting in a dentist chair.  I am utterly petrified.

thI haven’t been to the dentist in 3 ½ years. I am ashamed to admit that but the last time was a horrible experience from a dentist in S. California that might as well have been in a back alley of a Mexico back street. They mutilated my mouth and did a horrible job.

I haven’t been since.

So, I finally got good dental insurance and 3 years is a long time to not have gone to the dentist although I do take care of my mouth. I was referred to a dentist and told they are super nice and caring but honestly, it’s not the dentist nor the assistant I’m afraid of. It’s those horrible tools. ALL metal they are….all metal…and all metal in my mouth, turns into a bedrock of pain and shocking agony.

I’m just getting a cleaning but I’ll be shaking the whole time.

Hello! And how are you? How was your weekend?

“Hello! And how are you? How was your weekend?”

Ah, to be a human out in the world of other humans.  How many times have we been asked this question and in response, smiled and said something along the lines of “I’m doing great and my weekend was fantastic!”?

In reality, you are in physical pain constantly because your lower back feels like it’s barely being held together by string, you deal with migraines just about every week, the fat keeps piling on no matter how much you move or how much you don’t eat and it weighs you down and you have an emotionally draining mother who demands attention whenever you are with her and her “it’s all about MY problems” look on life in tie with an ailing father who doesn’t communicate or interact at all.  This piled up on top of your own worries of trying to keep a household on a pay that doesn’t fit the economy (thanks to moving to a state that is 50 years behind the USA cost of living) and trying to keep a stable relationship with a 13 year old son who is starting to just want to have nothing to do with you…but sure wants your money. greatthanks
I guess that would be a lot longer to say in response to a short inpersonal question.  Oh and I’m pretty sure that the person asking, really doesn’t genuinely care how you are REALLY doing.

The truth is, some people are WAY to perky and LAUGH way to much.  I want to turn to them and say,

Look! Not all of us have a hard working spouse, two incomes and wonderful little perfect children.  Some people, and by some people I mean ME, have to sometimes choose between food and gas just to stay afloat. So constantly ranting about your all of the above to me, pretty much makes me want to punch a baby. Knock it off…I don’t care!

But that would be mean and un-sociable.

So I smile and nod and say the socially accepted phrases such as “oh isn’t that great” or “oh so cute

But really…..

 

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Do I even exist?

I’m finding it hard to get anybody to pay attention to me lately? I feel like that photo in Back to the Future where Marty’s siblings are disappearing slowly.  That is me. I’m slowly just not existing.

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I can’t get any affection out of my kid anymore since he’s an oh so big teen now……yeah.

I haven’t felt the love of a man since….well I could say since my marriage ended in 2004 but that man didn’t really love me so technically, never. I’ve never felt love returned to me.

Just the other day, I told a co-worker, after she suggested to me I take “friends” up to a place here, that I didn’t have any friends.  I swear, the look she gave me was both terrified and amused.  “How could one not have one single friend“, I’m sure is what she thought in her mind.  Well, come shake my hand, that would be me. My mother sucks up all the energy I have and it’s enough that I try and go on outtings with my son, without including her and have to hear the “whoa is me, I can’t do anything becuase I can’t take your father anywhere”. It’s enough my own son takes me “away” from her…I can’t imagine what grief she’d give me if a lesser important person did such.  So, I just accept not having one friend.

Days meld into each other as I see my son growing and moving farther from me.  The inevitable is soon upon me….

I will soon be non-existent to anyone except the cats when I become the Cat Lady.

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Time is a cruel thing

As I reach the mid of my 40th year on this Earth, I realize that youth is no more.  I could still feel those rare remnants of it in my late 20’s or maybe I just didn’t recognize that time was marching on because I was stuck in the drama that was my life.  I did still feel it in my mid-thirties but that was due to weight loss.  I’m fat again never to be thin like I was 3 years ago due to many different health reasons, so youth….is disappearing.

20120422-142821My body is failing me.  I will soon be developing either degenerative disc disease or arthritis in my spine which pretty much keeps me from any of the weight lifting and hardcore cardio on the elliptical I did 3 years ago.  My thyroid is shutting down causing said fatness and I feel like an ugly round butter bean.  I was on such a high, 3 years ago. But the higher you climb, the harder you fall and psychically, I fell long and hard with no sight of getting back to where I was in sight

I only have memories, memories of a time where I could breathe, literally.  Memories of when I could smile.  I could smile even THROUGH the vast loneliness that consumed me, even while looking my best.

Youth is gone…..

I was just told by my mother a few days ago that the Frontal Temporal Disease my father of 64 had, is now full fledged Alzheimer’s.  This is something that began developing when he was 57…..57!   His brain, after a recent scan and compared to the last scan done 3 years ago, shows the signs of dark voids that most MRI scans of Alzheimer patients will show.

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Not the actual scan but this is a good comparison

This both pisses me off and makes me sad.  My father has done nothing but work and work and work to stay with my mother, to uphold her standards of living, to keep us, since I was a child 40 years ago.  He didn’t divorce or leave her because he didn’t want to lose my sister and I as he lost his two children before from his previous marriage. Now I won’t claim to know all the reasoning behind his life with her. I only know what I see on the outside. And granted, his previous wife was a bitch from hell and took his kids (my older brother and sister) but that is neither here nor there.

His quality of life is no longer.  His youth is most definitely gone.  He can no longer speak or interact.  He does not react well to being outside his room where he just sits and watches T.V.  As of lately, it seems his brain can’t process small types of crisis such as, “I have the slight urge to go to the bathroom but I’m not dying” but his brain says “if I don’t go to the bathroom now, I’ll lose my mind and wail and scream“….the wailing and screaming he is starting to do more. That is very hard to see.  My mother, is diving into a pool of depression and frustration that she really isn’t becoming a good caretaker and the burden falls on my sister and I, but mostly my sister, who is starting to lose her own mind.  I sense that especially after a tear filled weeping conversation I had with her on the phone.  That is abnormal because this is a person who NEVER shows emotion and when I mean never…I mean…I have NEVER seen her cry past maybe once or twice in her 35 years of life.  The weight my mother puts on her/us and then how she repays us with ugly words and treating us like crap….I have little respect for her, very little.  She gave me life….and that is the extent of the decency I will show her.

I sometimes wonder, if this is God’s cruel idea of a joke

Happy Birth…aw shut the f*&% up!

54174145Today is my birthday but really, I could care less.  Later today, I will be forced to stand in front of a cake while my co-workers sing Happy Birthday.  I want to do what I have done at all my other jobs and that is completely skip this day, as far as cake and singing goes.  But these people won’t allow that.  I’m not mad really.  I just wished this day would go by without recognition.  For the most part it does. I don’t have my birthday set on my Facebook so I don’t get those millions of “happy birthday from the person who you don’t even know in real life!” on my Facebook feed.67017502

The truth is, I’ve never acknowledged this day since about 15 years ago because my whole  life I’ve never been acknowledged or noticed by anyone anyway.  As of lately, I can’t even have a conversation with my mother and/or sister not just because I really only tolerate them and their constant negativity but because they really don’t allow others to speak in the conversation. It’s nothing but talking over everyone else and interrupting.  It becomes a narcissistic type of conversation where what THEY have to say is the only thing that matters.  It is actually quite rude and I’m sick of it.  So I sit there and just listen with tons to say but no way to jump in fast enough to say it.

And don’t think that just because my birthday is the same month as Christmas I get double the gifts.  That has never happened for the following reasons:

  1. I grew up in a cult that didn’t even celebrate Christmas and;
  2. When I was finally out of the cult and celebrated Christmas it was believed that a birthday gift AND a Christmas gift could be combined. Hence, I get 1 gift for the price of two occasions…..

imageYeah…a combination of cheap family and never getting noticed anyway.  So who really cares if I’m one year closer to my death.

I’m 40 by the way…just more lemon juice in the gaping hole that is my soul.

Good Morning….Insect of DEATH

I would like to press the “restart” button on this day.

I left my candle lit last night, out on my balcony.  I guess this attracts insects of the worse kind when they are rogue and lost and alone in the cold.

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Not the actual culprit but this does accurately depict the actual size….yes, not joking

It welcomed a one inch Yellow Jacket onto my balcony back door.  So, when I went out this morning to blow out the candle, unbeknownst to me, it flew in through the open door behind me.  I did not see it until about 10 minutes later when I saw this HUGE thing with legs on my wall. As I inched closer, thinking it was one of the gargantuan flies that live in this state, I noticed the yellow stripes and antenna.

There it was. A Yellow Jacket.  I backed away slowly, about to run, then realizing, uh this bastard was in MY house…I don’t run!  This does not imply that I wasn’t scared out of my wits.

I announced to The Boy there was a Yellow Jacket in my room and to keep the cat out because the dumb cat would get in my way of killing it thinking it was a play toy and get himself stung!  And that is all I would need!  A wounded cat and a crying kid.  The Boy closed his door and refused to come out until I could present the Death Certificate of this monster.

*Sigh* I resigned to being late to work..

So I stopped my morning routine and attempted to kill this beast.  I grabbed the big 3 inch thick Bible I found at an Estate Sale and was determined to show this thing the Word of God.

With my Bible in hand, it took me 10 minutes just to approach it and it logo_bamsmackpow-comkept moving around my room and landing in awkward places.  But finally I hit it!!!

The insect fell as did the 3 inch Bible I hit it with and both landed behind my nightstand! So, I spent another 20 minutes dissecting the area but did find it, dead and lifeless, directly below where I hit it.  It matched the carpet to perfection which made it hard to see.

God-damn it.

So, it was dead and I was able to confirm to The Boy, said death, with a corpse and documentation.

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I wasn’t about to pick it up with a tissue like it was a fly.  It had a stinger and could still have been playing dead.  Instead, I grabbed the vacuum and sucked that bastard up.

Crunch….crunch….crunch, it went and was gone.  Now, I was about 30 minutes late into starting my day but I didn’t care.  There was no way I was going to leave a Yellow Jacket, dead or alive, in my house.  It must die and die it did.

But he really must have been lost because there are no insects of that kind roaming around this time of year when it’s really cold.  He was doomed to die.

I tried to explain what my brain can’t process…

I had my sister over this past Saturday evening and the below commercial came on…..watch…

I laughed because the expression the father has as he goes to sit down then bounces right back up when he sees his son just did the stupidest thing ever……that expression can’t be explained in words.

I tried to explain this to my single, non-parent sister of age 35.  It wasn’t going to happen.  I just thank God it didn’t end in an argument which is usually how any conversations in current our relationship always seems to go lately.

I then found a great blog here and read this essay and I realized it would never be understood by those who weren’t playing the part.  I explained to my sister that the fathers’ expression and reaction was spot on by using the analogy of a skin cut.

Say you get a cut or a piece of your flesh ripped off. (Morbid I know but stay with me).  For the milli-second you feel nothing but see that your flesh is torn.  Then, the pain comes and in that milli-second where you felt nothing you do anticipate the pain coming but your brain can’t really process what you are looking at and what your are to expect.  It’s a mixture of brain overload.

That is this commercial.  I put myself in the shoes of these parents.  When the kid initially pulls out the table setting my brain would go…”NO!” then a full meal is on the floor. As he gets up and the mother stands there, staring, the brain is processing what the HELL just happened. Then in the next second you have a choice on how to react.

Now the commercial stops at the problem being solved by just ordering Domino’s. But it wouldn’t stop there for me.

I think I would lose all my shit on that kid.

And then I would feel like a shit afterwards.

But it is moments like this that the entry in the blog I referred to above relates to.  Moments like this actually have pushed my utter sanity to the very edge.  Moments like telling my kid who has a functioning brain for the 100th time to talk to his teacher about missing assignments.  Moments like hearing him argue with me back and forth like he’s about to win the O.J. Simpson case of a lifetime!

Then, I breathe.  Sometimes, I walk into my room, announce to him I’m closing the door to change and then sit on the lovely Paris bench at the foot of my bed and cry.  I cry like I’m about to swim in my own tears.  There is nothing more I can do.  I have gotten to the yelling point but it only makes me look like a woman gone mad.  So I walk away…and cry.  Which is what I’m sure that father who was one moment about to sit down to a nice family turkey meal would have done, had the commercial continue on.

This is something I try to explain to my single, non-parent sister of age 35 but it doesn’t get across.  I just get the look of confusion and judgement that….that one could not explain what they are feeling.  I believe even if she did have kids, those children would have been suppressed in so many ways since she is a type to not conform to life situation.

But then again, these are all assumptions. What do I know?

 

 

Ok, so you will be on 525 calories a day….

I started this blog back in 2013 when I started a long and endless journey of weight loss. I chose the medical route but not surgery.  I got vitamin injections and medication.  I also cut out carbs completely and stopped fast food entirely.  It worked and over the span of a little over a year, I lost 70 lbs.  Spring of 2014 was the biggest highlight of this journey.  I was in a size 8, I was happy and even took a fun trip with my son to Hearst Castle.  We had an awesome and memorable time that even he still reminisces about.

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This is no joke at all and not far from the truth.

But as they say, when you rise high, you fall far.  And I did.  I do realize that this is a lifetime thing, being conscious of weight and what is going in my mouth but really sometimes it seems so exhausting.  I do firmly believe that thin women, who don’t have the natural genetic ability of a super fast metabolism, literally eat nothing.

I will be 40 years old in exactly two months (shit….) and I’ve gained 43 pounds of the initial 70 I lost.  The feeling that comes with those pounds is utter devastation and just plain feeling sick, sluggish and tired.  It can’t really be described.  My stomach is bloated and everything feels puffy even down to my toes and ankles.  Even my fingers look like little wrinkled sausages.  It literally feels like I was ripped apart and put back together wrong.

Now that I have finalized my move here to Idaho and I am getting settled in my apartment, staying on top of my kid and his schooling, settling into my job and finances, I decided to do something about this.  I started a Super Colon Cleanse and an Antioxidant Detox as well, to just flush shit out…literally.

I also visited a clinic not to different than the first clinic I started this journey at.  They give the vitamin shots which is a cocktail mixture of B-12, B-6, Folic Acid, B Complex, and Vitamin C.  They also offer the appetite suppressants but they also offered something else ….HCG.  I hear they work but have to be careful when they get stopped which is after about 3 months of a weekly shot.  The weight can climb back on quickly.  I tried it for about a month when I first arrived here in June and they worked.  I want to start the program fresh again and finish it out.tumblr_inline_na05welx6q1qdr3t3

Honestly, I just want to de-bloat and get rid of this general feeling of being disconnected from my own body.  Everything fits me tight and I’m walking around feeling like a stuffed sausage, with glubs of fat rolling out of my clothes.  Speaking of clothes…I have none that fit right so I’m sure I look ridiculous at work.  It really does disgust me.

I can’t go back to the workout routine I had before which consisted of 30 minutes on the elliptical and 20 minutes of weight lighting done 4-5 days a week.  My herniated disc injury and low back weakness won’t allow for that.   I can barely do Power Walking a bit uphill on a treadmill.  I’m going to try and fit in 20 minutes on the Elliptical 2 times a week.  But if I do anymore, my body begins to hurt.

But if my output is going to be greatly reduced, then that means my input must also do that same.

SO we get to the title of this entry.  At my initial visit to the clinic yesterday, I was told exactly that. “Your daily calorie intake will be 525”

omg-wtf

That has to be the lowest I’ve ever been told to intake!!  She explained it was because the HCG shots do something with the fat cells or something like that. I should probably research before I dive in but I’ll be fine.  I know my body and I know what works and what doesn’t.

She did give me a grocery list that would embrace this 525 calorie a day diet (still reading that blows my mind….).  It’s a lot of fruit, oatmeal, yogurt and water water water and just a bit more water.  I’m going to break out my Nutribullet again and start my smoothies with a bit of Whey protein in them along with the fruit.

So the conclusion is this.  In my world, to not be fat, I must intake nothing of substance.  I must move everyday (I can deal with that).  I must also become obsessed about food and what goes down my gullet.

Fun times….

HE HAS BAD GRADES!!

Yup, that is all I heard being yelled at my son’s Cross Country Meet that he could attend but not participate in because of his grades.  Not only is this school no joke about grades and athletics (California schools can all go suck it) but they are really on top of it and strict about performance.image

The Boy had his first Life Lesson on learning about the consequences of being a slacker.

While he was still forced to ATTEND the meet….it was noticed by all, teammates and parents alike, that he was standing on the side lines. Hence….the title is all I heard.

“Yes…thank you for shouting that across the field little teammate…maybe you can shout it a bit louder??”

So then I wonder….why was I the one who was absolutely mortified to be his mother.  I wanted to crawl under a rock and not be associated with this loser of a kid. It was probably the first time I was utterly embarrassed to have him as a son. I’m sure it won’t be the last time.

However, all that changed because I will say that since then, he has missed three meets and by that I mean, he is at them, he just can’t participate. But today is the final meet and he actually brought his grades up enough to be able to participate. He brought one grade of a D up to a B+!!!  And all D’s are at C’s.  It’s just  Math that was in the F range for a while….but I’m working on that with him.  But still….I say that’s pretty awesome!

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So, he had to hang his head in the Cone of Shame for a while, as did I, by default,  but he roughed it out and got his shit together. That is what life is all about, right?

Driving in Idaho

I have found it very hard to take off my “must be ready for any asshole on the road” hat since I have been living in Idaho as opposed to poo-poo California.  People drive REALLY slow here.  I feel like no one here is in a rush to pick up a kid, get to work on time or make some appointment.  It’s this attitude of “if I get there, I get there….” that I so desperately want to embrace, but can’t.

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Yes, this really is ANY time of the day in L.A.

 As much as I want to, I cannot get my mind wrapped around that attitude.  I’ve lived and been around to much of what you see in the picture to the right.  Every single person in every single one of those cars pictures is an A-1 prick with a 3+ ton killing machine in their hands.

But here….here, I get stuck staring at the butt of a Dodge 2 rear wheeler 4×4  with “howtobeacowboy.com” on it’s side and going 20 miles an hour on the freeway and I really can’t help but laugh.  And so I do, I laugh and say “if I get there I get there.”

To watch someone fight his love for me….

fighting20with20love20-20small20logoIt is exactly as it says.  I can literally see him struggle with the fact that he is fully in love with me in his heart and mind, yet denies it on the outside.  He is cold, distant, throws my girly emotional “I miss you’s” back in my face.

But there are little things he does, things he says. Actions that tell me, in his heart he feels he must stay in touch

But the last I spoke to him was  5 days ago, when his cold reactions to my love was the last straw.  I understand on the outside, someone may think this looks like I’m seeing something that isn’t there but really, that isn’t the case.  Something in my heart….in my soul tells me he fights his love for me.  He is battling his own World War 3 in his own heart and soul.

Ultimately, it makes me sad.  If he would just give into what he feels for me, we could actually, possibly throw away our horrible past and create a new future.  We could be parents to our son.  We could love each other as a family.

But he won’t, or maybe he can’t , or maybe he just doesn’t want to.  Whatever the case, I’m tired of being tossed around by his emotional resistance and 5 days ago I said just this….

“You have broken my heart for the last fucking time, you asshole….”

And I was done.

Do what you love….

Dutch Bros

Do what I love? Do you really want me TO???

Today, my Dutch Bros. Coffee told me to “Do What you love…”

Well I love having sex!  Does that count?  I wished I could do that all day!  Or maybe it should say something along the lines of “Do what you love but make sure that you won’t get arrested for indecent exposure…”  That would probably be a more specific statement for my coffee to tell me.

By the way, Dutch Bros is the best #1 coffee on the planet. I gave up renewing my Gold Membership to Starbucks for filled up stamp cards to Dutch Bros. Yes that’s right…I turned my back on Starbucks.  Well, I do go still but definitely not as much. Besides, there is only like ONE Starbucks in the city I live in!  Well, two if you count the one in the Fred Meyers.  I love the Fred Meyers to!  I just love it here…PERIOD!

Let’s Break those Eggshells

I was just recently told by my ex-husband, who I have reconnected with, that he feels he has to walk on egg shells with me.  My mother has also told me this, as has my sister.  I have no feggriends but I’m sure they would feel the same way to.

Is this because I could explode at things said to me?  Maybe.  Or is it because people are just plain jerks with what they say or do that they all set me off?

How has it come that everyone decides to fall back on the “I walk around on egg shells with you” and “you have the problem, not me” instead of not admitting that they are just plain asshats.  I’m the nice one here.  I only bite when barked at.  I know of people who wake up in the morning ready for a fight, not caring who they tick off or if others around them live or die.  I believe I share blood with some.  I also share blood with those who don’t seem to have one ounce of common sense or human nature decency in their body.  I swear I don’t belong in this family.

I belong free.  I want to BE free.  I want to enjoy my son for Christ’s sake!  Without the “you are the worst mother in the world because you let your son WALK home from school and be home for 1 hour because YOU have to work!”

And yes….that is what I’m told…

Where are those metaphorical egg shells now, huh ma?

Oh and yes….still do not get along with that women…finally realized…I never will…ever.  She is everything I do not want to be in a mother.  She is everything that I try not to be, in a mother. That says enough.

So, please all…continue to walk on those eggshells.  Ask me if I give two fucks about it!

And Life Goes On…and On…and SQUIRREL!

Yup…Squirrel.

It has been a year since my visit to Painville. I still have horrible memories and even nightmares of the pain.  I have heard of people with chronic pain of some kind but I do not think that I am one of those poeple who can do chronic pain without losing my mind completely.

Then, of course there was the Glitch in the weight loss Matrix.  Apparently, eating and what I put in my mouth at any given moment will be a constant trial for me. I have to become borderline obsessed with eating for every waking minute, hour and day of my life. I realized that I will live the rest of my life in an up and down rollercoaster regarding my weight.  As of now, I’m in a slight valley with weight. But I was riding high on a mountain a few weeks ago and I’ll get it back.  Since I can’t do strenous exercise anymore due to my back, I am stuck with only power walking as cardio exercise.  I carry weights during my walking but that is all..I’m afraid to do to much because of my weight.  Hence,  I need to eat practically nothing to balance out my slow metabolism with the fact Im not doing strenuous cardio.  I will always hate it.

There is, of course, so much more to write.  But I’m actually really lazy and have to think my words out very carefully so as not to sound to bitter, harsh or just plain bitchy about many aspects of my life and the people in them.

So more to come.

 

 

 

A Glitch in the weight loss Matrix….do you wish to re-boot?

There was a HUGE glitch in the Matrix….

After going through my painful ordeal, the exercise stopped and the eating started.  All I did was lie down, dormant, stuffing my face with fast food. Blegh…..

I gained 25 lbs from my lowest weight.

I is a Sad Panda

sad panda

But that’s ok.  I’m on the road to recovery and in a better place mentally for it.

I started the low carbs diet, reduced calorie intake and jumped back on the treadmill for 30 minute medium paced walking sessions, 4 times a week.

Last week I started at 195 lbs.  Today, I’m down 3 lbs.

I’m determined to keep that scale going in the right direction.  Because not only is it for health and looks, but it’s for my back.  Apparently, as my herniated disc so skillfully told me, my spine can’t take being severely overweight.  So unless I want to end up back in Painville, I lose and maintain the health.

In the Zombie Apocolypse, there is no money…

Rose Smith: Money. I hate, loathe, despise and abominate money.

Mr. Alonzo Smith: You also spend it.

Meet Me In St. Louis, 1944

money

That about sums it up for me.  I really hate money, yet I need to spend it.  I can NOT seem to get on top of my finances.  It seems like everywhere I turn money is slipping through my fingers.  And you would think, “Oh she’s spending it on herself getting her hair and nails done…”…NOPE!

Per month, roughly….I spend:

A couple hundred on Hockey lessons, for The Boy

Another couple hundred on hockey gear, for The Boy

A couple hundred for before and after school care so I can work to pay for the before and after school care.

A couple more hundred on school PTA because he HAD to have the Knotts Tickets that come with the payment, among other things. (but that was actually only this month)

A couple more hundred on food which The Boy consumes within days forcing me to spend another couple hundred only days later.

A couple more hundred on shoes and accessories that The Boy MUST have (like $60 Adidas shoes).

Do you see the pattern?

Oh and then somewhere in there I pay $1200 rent on the 755 square foot cracker box I live in, utilities (Fuck You Verizon FIOS and Verizon Wireless and your over priced crap service), and a car payment on a piece of crap VW, which is also over priced.

Lastly, I buy my cat the cheapest cat food I can find. Friskies, seems to be the winner lately.

friskies

What’s left for me? A trip to the Goodwill for some used $3 tops so I don’t go to work naked or I take charity from my sister’s closet of clothes she no longer wears.  I’ve given up on trying to eat any kind of solid food that isn’t snacks or left over food from big-wig lunch meetings that I can beg scraps for.  Hence my current and probably on-going weight loss and stomach ulcers.  Also, hair that desperately needs to be trimmed yet, grows past my waist, because I can’t cut it myself and can’t afford to go to a salon.  So I let it just grow.  Just call me friggin Rapunzel!

iceAnd this is just the tip of the iceberg on my money issues.  There are odds and ends that I am always digging into my pockets for that just drive the knife deeper.  The kicker is, I do get child support, I have a pretty good paying job…you would think the problem is my budgeting….

Nope, it’s that I live in the worst state in this union when it comes to finances, over priced housing, taxes etc.  I hate it here and want to move so desperately.

So yeah, I hate loathe and despise money, but even though I don’t want to, I spend it. OR rather my 10 year old kid spends it.

He will be getting a job as soon as he is of legal age. That is for damned sure!

Lord Jesus give me the strength…

Today, during my lunch hour, as I was pumping gas into my car, a young man, about 19 or 20, maybe younger, walked up to me asking for 75 cents to get a bus ride to his Aunt’s house.  I asked him how he ended up in this city and why he couldn’t live with his Aunt.  He shook his head and said he was homeless.  I honestly thought this kid had to have been a teen.  He looked like a high schooler.

But I didn’t see a young stranger…I saw my son.  I thought to myself, “If something happened to me and there was NO one to take care of my son, I would not want my son to have to be reduced to pan-handling and I would hope someone would give him charity.”

I gave that kid all the cash I had in my wallet.

I just saw a small little boy in this kid.  A part of me wanted to give him my number and take him out to dinner!  I knew that wasn’t possible though because even though good people want to do good things, bad people will always prevail.  And I didn’t even know if this boy was telling me the truth at all.  For all I know, he could have turned around and took the cash I handed him to the liquor store.  As it was, he took my money, but he did say thank you as I told him “God Bless” and then he said thank you again, then ran off across the street.

06956-TrkyChdrSub-032414I came back to work, sat at my desk, and looked at the Lunchables that I had gone out of my way to buy at the Vons (where this gas station was) for my own Boy, because he likes Lunchables as a treat.  I stared at the Lunchables, with their Hershey’s Kisses, sub sandwich and Capri Sun and told myself that I am doing good for that kid and it is my job to make sure he knows it.  If there is one thing that I am trying to keep out of that boy, it is ungratefulness.

Because the Lord giveth…and…the Lord can taketh away.

I came back to my desk, at work, and prayed to God that I may have touched that poor boy’s life regardless if he took my money and went to a liquor store or if he truly did need to get to his Aunt’s house.  Even if it was only because I talked to him rather than shoo him off like I’m sure most have.  I can only hope that he was telling the truth and he was just trying to get a bus ride to his Aunt’s.  It is beyond me now.

th

My heart aches for the pain and suffering in this world.  My heart aches for those who feel that it’s over.  This stems from the news of Robin Williams.  I’ve seen many a celebrity die in tragic ways during my lifetime but this one…this one hurt my heart.

The depth of depression is nothing that any human on this planet could fathom, even the person who is dealing with it.  It is a disease that warps our reality and rules our minds.  To personify it, I would think, in the worst cases that more than likely end in the person thinking death is the only way out, it makes their world look upside down.  Almost like Alice through the Looking Glass.  Everything is wrong, up is down and down is up.  That has got to be awful.  And the sadness. The overwhelming sadness.  I know that I have my bouts of depression but I find my way out.  I feel for those who can’t crawl out of the hole that depression digs.

As I’ve always said, it would be like being sucked into The Nothing, where the only thing left behind is the pain and sorrow of the darkness of….well, of there being NOTHING.

Out of all the tributes that every other celebrity made, I liked Jimmy Fallon’s the best and in the comedic way that Robin was all about…

Jimmy Fallon Tribute to Robin Williams

While only God can know what Mr. Williams was thinking during his last breath, I would like to hope that he is now making God laugh with his antics.

We are only on this earth for a short time, then we will all meet again under the righteousness of our Lord.

 

 

We are only here for a short time….

That is what I keep telling myself…’This is temporary…This is temporary”

It may seem that I left this blog by the wayside and perhaps I have.

In the weight department, I have been at a steady and maintained weight loss of 75lbs. Sometimes it goes up…then I bring it right back down. I am now conscious of when I start to gain a pound or two and make sure that it comes back down. As of right now…I’m up a bit but I will bring it right back down. I have been keeping exercise as a regular part of my routine at 3-4 times a week, 30 minutes on the elliptical or bike and weight lifting. I am pretty much carb free but sneak the occasional dinner roll or fry here and there. But 98% of my food choices do not include carbs in any form. I am going to finish up my last two weeks at the medical clinic and then I’m going to switch to another facility which is just around the corner from my office building and I can visit for my vitamin injections during my lunch hour.  I want to start fresh at a new place, from my current weight.  I still have about 30 pounds to lose although I may try and go as far as losing another 50 lbs bringing me down to about 120 lbs at 5 feet 4 inches height.  I started this journey May 4, 2013 and will never look back.  After a year, I will start fresh and these will be my new goals:

Height:  5 ft, 4 in
Current Weight:  178 lb  (give or take)
Healthy weight range:  117-146 lb
Current BMI:  31
Healthy BMI range:  20-25

MjAxMy1lYjAyZjhlYThkZWIyNGUwWork has not been so good.  I am currently dealing with a boss who yells, argues and screams at me, on the phone, or to anyone he’s talking to.  I’ve documented it with H.R. and that is all I can really do.  He also burps all the time, farts in front of me (his office constantly smells like butt) and I literally have to leave the area when he eats lunch because he’s SO loud with his chomping and slurping that it makes me physically ill.  I made the mistake once of walking into his office while he was eating lunch and let me just say, the spaghetti sauce was ALL over his mouth….all…over.  And by the way, this is a 58 year old man.  He is disgusting.  My solution, since I need a paycheck and can’t quit, is to completely shut down any interaction with him.  Basically, I avoid him at all costs.  Communication is mostly through emails.  It’s working out, for the most part.

But the worst was about 1 ½ months ago, when somehow, an un-authorized person snuck into the buildings and stole 3 wallets straight from purses sitting on cubicles.  My wallet was one of them.  I’m very disappointed in how my employer handled the situation.  But I have to put up with all of this because eating is not an option.  I will say it really takes its toll on me.  The stress is beginning to affect my stomach.  I’m pretty sure I have IBS but I need to go to my Dr. to get him to diagnose me but from what I’ve read, I’m sure that’s it.  On my own, I’m starting probiotics and cutting back on the coffee…(*sorta* teehee).  But my appetite and eating is pretty much null and void.  I have no desire for food as I used to over a year ago.  But that’s fine with me.

Screenshot_2014-08-01-12-02-36

My farm….

I have become mildly obsessed with Farmville 2: Country Escape.  Yes, yes I have. I’m farming and harvesting and creating yummy foods such as cakes, pies and fish that sometimes just playing the game brings my appetite back! It’s funny.  Anyway, look up cpamorain@gmail.com on Google Games and that would be me. It should be listed as one of my games that I’m getting achievements from.

Rejection-Investors-Startup--790x391I have officially given up on finding someone, a companion to walk with me and beside me for the rest of my life.  After putting myself out there for a bit…the rejection, even after becoming physically attractive (or so I thought the weight loss would help) is unbearable.  I was never one to react positively from rejection.Plain Jane

I’ve had a series of revelations. There was a time that I firmly believed that my over weight issue was what kept me unattractive and plain.  I have since come to find out, it was never the weight.  I will admit to being a “Plain Jane” and nothing that turns heads.  Hell, I’ll be lucky if I can get another human being to even acknowledge that I exist.  Beyond that, there is something about my personality that makes others turn away.  I am not all alone for no reason.  I should wear a sign that says “does not play well with others”.  The weight is gone and still, I’m a nobody.

I barely exist to anyone.  My son just sees me as a bank to make sure he has what he needs and a disciplinary who stops him from having “fun”.  Although I firmly believe that I am the coolest mom on the planet.   Just recently, he started becoming interested in Superman comics and we found a great Comic Book store near our apartment that I take him to (when he acts good) and I get him comics to his hearts desire.  Now tell me, how many mothers will get down on their hands and knees digging through boxes of back issues of Superman comics in a local comic book store, to find the right Superman comic for their 10 year old son.  We are not many, us cool moms.  I love it though.  I’ve always been a geek at heart.

Mario KartI also visited just about every McDonald’s in the area JUST to get The Boy his last Mario Kart toys from there.  They were the Happy Meal toys and he was only  missing three.  I found two out of the three he was missing.  I couldn’t find Donkey Kong.Beanie Babys

I will admit…I did get some of the Beanie Babies (the “Girl” toy) for myself…they were so cute!

But this all proves this theory: That kid…is my entire reason for existing…my entire…..reason.

My parents barely know I exist beyond giving them their most precious grandchild. I’m just waiting for my father’s impending progression of Alzheimer’s to finally kick in and he won’t know who I am, at all.  Until then, he just can’t talk.  But both my parents pretty much ignore me more now than they ever did.   My younger sister….*sigh*…her and I are just not on the same page about morals and standards in life and are having serious personality conflicts.  It really does break my heart but she is the most stubborn and unforgiving person I know.  She also needs to think before she speaks just as a common human courtesy.  I also think she resents me for my weight loss but that is just speculation.  She is going down the path of physical self sabotage and gaining SO much weight and I worry for her health.  She is pre-diabetic, has thyroid issues and back problems.  She really needs to lose about 100 lbs, for health reason alone!   I know that she holds some resentment towards me just by being in the same room with her because we’ve both been fat our whole lives.  This journey is a lifetime change and she is all about the “3-day cleanse” diets.  That doesn’t work for us.  It’s a lifetime thing.  My older sister, well I never had a real relationship with her as we didn’t grow up together.  I have no friends and barely know a handful of relatives.

liar_liar_pants_on_fireI tried the dating thing and it just didn’t work. There was always someone better than me or, as I’ve come to realize, most men, especially the so called “Christian” ones, are all liars.  The amount of liars and hypocrites I’ve run into in the approximately 8 months I’ve tried dating is outstanding and absolutely incredible.  Guys that say “I’m looking for a Christian woman, with standards and values……” then turn around and want to jump in the sack…uh…no….?  Or you get the ones who really like that I’m a sports fanatic and would rather go to a good baseball or hockey event than shop for shoes, then drop me like I have leprosy to pursue someone who, surprise…..surprise, is eye candy for them to hang off their arm.  Pathetic…. Men, are a lost cause, especially at this age.  I’m done with them and their lies, arrogance and hypocrisy.

And after that evaluation, I really will be brutally honest and admit that for me, death cannot come fast enough.

Now let me explain that statement.

The Bible tells us that Christians will be with Jesus the instant they die.

In 2 Corinthians 5:8 the Apostle Paul even longed for death because he knew it would take him into the presence of Jesus.  He said,  “We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord. “

In Luke 23:43 Jesus tells the thief dying on the cross, “Verily I say unto thee, Today shalt thou be with Me in Paradise.”

I just want to be with Jesus, where there is no pain, physical or mental or emotional.  This life is temporary and full of heartache and sorrow and sometimes, it’s a bit to much.  But I do not condone murder, so when I say that, I mean that getting older only carries for me regret that I didn’t live my younger years with more wisdom.  I sometimes feel I have nothing to teach my son yet, on the flip side, I have everything to teach him because of my mistakes that I learned from.  I know that he alone, is the only reason I exist on this planet.  Well him and the fear of the eternal consequences of murder (because, yes, suicide is murder and God gave us each our paths for a reason).

So please, no comments like “you need to seek counseling blah blah blah”.  I’m not going to off myself.  I just can’t wait to be in a happier place when this life walk is over.  The end of this physical life in this physical skin will be such a welcome to me.

thCAAVBAA6

I used to blame God for my loneliness and be petrified of dying, but I can’t feel that way anymore.  It was I who made my choices. The only “blame” that can go towards God is that He gave humans the ability to choose right from wrong.  He only shows us the paths and we must choose to walk the proper one.  I did not  with the choices I made, out of rebellion and spite and now I suffer the consequences by dealing with loneliness and the harsh reality that for however many more years I have on this planet, they will be utterly and totally, alone.

So, in essence, since my last posts in here of our wonderful day trip to Hearst Castle to my constant battle with loneliness, it hasn’t gotten much better.  There are good days and bad days.  There are days when my family really get on my last nerve and I’m done with them.  But for the most part, I spend most of my time with The Boy and just prepare myself for the day when he will jump on the bandwagon, and also reject me somewhere down the line.  Then I will be utterly and truly alone and my battle between living and being patience for God’s time for Him to call me to His Kingdom, will truly begin.

Or, it might not end up that way because I have also learned that I am not the one making the path.  I just follow what is right and how believe.  I will enjoy my son and teach him the best I can.  He starts school a week from Monday and will be entering the 5th grade.  I’m taking him to a Dodger game on Sunday as a “End of the Summer” last fun thing to do and a night at a fun restaurant in Pasadena where you throw your peanut shells on the floor.  I’ve already been to two Dodger games this summer, one with my sister and my kid and one with my sister, kid, and my parents and I think I just want to be with my kid now.  Sometimes, they are all to much for me to handle and my patience is pushed to it’s limits.

But I constantly do question one thing about my faith.  If Jesus died for us and forgave us, why do the sins of our past hurt us in our present?  I guess I should talk to a pastor about that but I try to figure things out on my own.

“Laugh it up, Fuzzball…”

Apparently someone is laughing at me.

Maybe one of my multiple personalities is laughing at me.

All I know is that I was destined to be someones laughing stock.  I can’t help but think, it’s God.

I am sad today. I had to make the decision to not pursue a friendship with someone new.  My lot in life is to deal with my family, until death.  And I refuse to drag good people who deserve better, down with me.  I only encourage my son to run and run fast when he becomes of age…..run and RUN FAST!

I am sad.

So I work out.  I exercise and lift lots of weights.  I have no more hope or joy anymore but to keep losing weight.  It’s all I have control of.  Unless God decides to mess with that to, the one thing I still have control of in my life.

image

Yes, that is a machine I use and yes, that is 70 lbs of weights.  I’m lifting as much weight as I’ve lost.  That is truly interesting.

We can’t choose our family, of course but I will never understand why God thought I could handle mine.  Some days I want to rip throats out.

And I will never understand why God thinks I’ll develop a stonger walk in His path when the family He’s given me chases away any person I associate myself with.

Shit….now I’m getting fucking MAD!

Can I just get drunk now? K, thanks!

And it continues…

thCAG72OOWI really thought that my mother and I were on the road to recovery. As I said in a previous post, I’ve learned to let a lot of her comments go through one ear and out the other because, for the most part, she says things to me just to either pick a fight or to shoot down my dreams.  Or sometimes, she’s just in a bad mood and lashes out at me because, well because she can.  It’s a free country and all.  Either way, I’ve learn to try and deal with the hurt that comes with her words but sometimes, it’s hard and last night’s conversation with her, was no exception.

I was concerned about the email I got from my sister, and I began to question whether I do gloat or boast about my weight loss, or meeting more positive new people.  I, most certainly do not want to come off as boastful when I am trying to be encouraging.

But you see, I’m still working on realizing when the problem sometimes doesn’t lie with me, but the OLD me sends me into a place that makes me question my actions.

So I made the mistake of asking my mother if that was the case.  I knew the minute the question left my mouth that it was a BIG mistake.  This opened up a door for her to enter the room of “let’s make sure we point out ALL you are doing wrong, while we are at it”.  And she even said…”well you asked the question”.

Yes, that’s right I did, but I’m still learning.

*Sigh*

It went something like this and I will jump in with points on how far fetched and ridiculous some of her comments are.  This is a real conversation.  I have made up nothing.  However, names and locations have been changed, to protect the innocent (and I hope that certain person doesn’t get offended that I’ve included them in this but no one knows who we are talking about anyway).

So here we go….

Me: Can I ask a question? Do I come off as boastful or show off with my weight loss?

Her: Well, you talk about it to much. You’re always saying how you are eating and what new size you are in.

Me: I may do that because I’ve never been in this place before in my life and I want to share.

Her: Well, you are always on recycle with your comments about your weight loss………

(then it began)….

Her: And now, you met this new person and what if you start to like him (I’ve known them for all of a little over a month. Jumping the gun a bit there?) and what are you going to do?  Are you going to take The Boy out of school, move to [a certain CA city]……are you going to move DOWN?!  And you haven’t been even going to church!

First, I have been going to church, I was just there last Sunday so she can leave that judgment at the door….and last I heard, I don’t have to answer to her regarding my church visits.

Second, let me explain the “Move…down” comment. I do not mean to offend anyone as these are NOT my words, nor my thoughts.

She means, that this certain city, where this church is that I want to visit and this new person who I’m befriending, is in a city that isn’t the best, although according to who, really depends.  I would never want to be associated with such a judgmental, non-humble type of thinking.  It’s disgusting.  And I find it very hard to keep my mind from wondering in the land of “what a hypocrite”.  Regardless, the snobbery that came out of that comment was appalling and really uncalled for considering; she lives in a pretty ghetto city herself.

Back to the conversation as the insults continue in the form of her thinking that I’m not putting The Boy first and, according to her, not feeding him…yes, she REALLY thinks I’m not FEEDING my child.

After the “moving down” comment…

Me: ..…….. (I decided that I would start biting my tongue after the “moving down” comment)

Her: The Boy doesn’t eat.  You need to feed him more vegetables and you shouldn’t feed him the Top Ramon.  (WTF?!?….last I knew, I’m the one who knows MY child best, lives with him and I’m constantly filling my fridge to accommodate his appetite).

Mkay so, the Top Ramon comment is because she saw 2 boxes of Top Ramon in my cabinet and laid in on me how that stuff is to salty and he shouldn’t be eating it every day.  First off, I agree, that stuff is super high in sodium.  Second, he doesn’t eat it every day.  Just like sweets, only in moderation.  But all she heard was “I’m feeding it to him morning noon and night”.

Also, to question that I’m not feeding him the proper nutrition, is just out right ridiculous.  I’m sorry, but WHO has lost 70 friggin pounds?  Again, I hate to come off boastful but the only way to lose that much weigh is to EAT….BETTER.  That means the items in my kitchen are not crap.  Hence, The Boy eats just fine.  Her theory, that I do not feed or that I feed my child crap, is severely faulty.

Going on….

Her: You are lying to me about something (……again, biting my tongue to bleeding at this point). You are lying about this new person you’ve met.

Me: (being VERY careful with my words at this point and just wanting to end this massacre of a conversation) Ok, I’m actually not lying about anything.  I’ve tried my best to be as truthful to all of you as possible in the positive way my faith and beliefs and attitude are going.  And that includes meeting new people who are on the same path as me.  I can’t predict the future so I can’t answer your “what if” questions.  I can only trust in God to know what is going to happen….

Her (Interrupting): *she laughs at my “trust in God” comment* Oh really?  Now you meet this new person and all the sudden you are all about God.

Me:  Um, well yes, even though God was already there but that is how fellowship with faithful people goes.  And it was always there…I just want it to grow.

Her:  You are hiding something from me about this new person. You think you are so smart but you still go back to lying and I’m not talking to you anymore.

thCA1QV66BI really am sick of being called a liar, at this point. If she wants to talk to a liar, she can go back to talking to her own sister.  I’m just flabbergasted because I’ve tried my BEST to be open and honest with my family as I’m not who I was a few years ago but that was just returned with my sister telling me to not talk about positive things around here because she is in a “bad place” and my mother with this conversation.  But this whole liar name calling is pushing my patience to its last limits as I’m pretty much done being called a liar, when I’m not.

Continuing…..

Me:  Well, what would you like to hear from me because all I can tell you is that positive new friends and a new church environment in my life is exactly what is going on. I have no hidden agenda.

Her (Interrupting):  You are being elusive and I’m going to hang up….

Me: Ok, but I can honestly tell you I’m not lying and want to resolve this in a……

She hangs up on me.

You know, going through the crux of that conversation again makes me actually, physically nauseated.

This woman…..*sigh*…..this woman has always been prone to these hissy fits when she doesn’t get her way.  It’s like an adult sized toddler tantrum.  Her and my sister are so much alike.  They seem to personify “Misery Loves Company” to perfection.  Yet, if I were to EVER tell them to just suck it up and have some faith, as both have told me oh so many times, I would literally, probably get beat down.  And I mean, literally, beat and then ostracized.

Welcome to my family.

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It’s just a sad state of affairs and hurts my heart more than makes me angry.

Over the past several months, because of other family issues and things I don’t agree about with my parents, I’ve pulled away, ever so slowly and ever so slightly, from them.  I am a mother and I have to think of my own child and that Boy is my absolute world.  My parents are not in a good place right now.  Even considering that it is mostly not their fault due to . I will always be sympathetic that my mother had a hard life, yet that excuse is slowly becoming tiresome. My father, he no longer can communicate or put sentences together and the last I heard, his memory is fading even faster.

thCA0CE7JLI will only pray for them now.

I am not like my Aunt who is someone who says they are walking a Christian path yet are an out right pathological liar, manipulator and cheat. I’m trying REALLY hard to find a better place for myself in this world. I’m trying hard to surround myself with more positive people who are gung ho all out for God. That is my road. It may not be anyone else’s, but it is mine.

I’m just having a hard time admitting to myself and accepting that my family, may not be able to go where I’m going. So all I can do keep walking my path and pray that the way I’m going can influence them to see that they can walk with me to, eventually

And to throw all the trash of our pasts away and look toward the future. But until then, I must pull away from them even more, especially if my “positive” attitude becomes a stumbling block.

Can you just STOP being so positive and happy please?!?!

No, I did not tell what this post is titled to someone.

I was told this…by my own sister.

First, I must collect my thoughts before I go through with this post. As I move on in my life, I’m finding that my family, is the crux of where most of my pain comes.

After all that I did for my sister in our last family debacle, creating a response to our aunt that was so intricate and detailed it allowed my sister the upper hand which, in turn, settled the feathers a bit, I got a huge stab in the back by her….I’m reeling.

Today, in an email, I sent my sister a link to a great message from a Pastor from a church near me that I’ve come to like listening to.  In this certain message, he was speaking about something my sister has been dealing with.  Now, my sister is a Christian as well, so I know that this is not me Bible Beating.  However, I’m on a new more positive path to meeting new people who share the same beliefs as myself and I’m open to listening to messages from other churches.  I shared this message with my sister because I thought it would relate directly with her.

I got this response back from her:

I know you are excited about [meeting new people], and I know that I should be a better sister, but I am not really at a good place regarding relationships, and if you always talk about it you may start seeing me back away, especially since I have had no luck on the [certain Christian online dating site] (I started to think it is me).

It is nothing personal with you, I know you are happy to be going out and meeting new people (that’s a good thing), but that is why sometimes I don’t talk to some of my girlfriends is because that is all they start talking about is the guy that’s in their life and then their world revolves around that person, and they have no sympathy for the single gal. I know you have been a single gal for awhile so I am sure you understand.

I hope that does not hurt  your feelings, but I felt like I just needed to be honest, and I was going to tell you yesterday in person, but you seemed rushed to leave to meet mom and dad.  I hope that your friendship’s do turn into finding someone (you deserve it!), but I just ask that it is not all of your conversation with me.

First, it is NOT all of my conversation. My conversation is more along the lines of how people of faith have influenced my thoughts.  I’m actually trying hard to see where it is all of my conversation!  And honestly, why SHOULDN’T I always talk about something positive in my life such as meeting positive people, etc.?

I’m telling you my jaw is hitting the floor with all this.

Second, I think the bolded part, is what disturbs me the most.  Unless I’m coming from left field about this, she is basically saying “screw anyone who is in a happy relationship or in happy friendships and how dare they show that they are happy in front of me”.  I mean if someone is in a relationship why the HECK can’t their world revolve around them? I didn’t realize this was Planet My Sister where she made the rules?

You know, my mother has hurt me a lot in my past with similar comments as this and at some point during those hurtful moments, I honestly thought I deserved it.  But now I’m wondering if these two really just don’t ever want to see me happy?  I would never say that is for sure but I don’t know what to think anymore!  I’ve since forgiven her for alot of her painful words and have moved on.  But this, I really don’t know what to think of this but I know that I didn’t deserve this.

Or I’m just to sensitive and wear my dumb heart on my sleeve. But I know, in my heart, that if the tables were turned, if I were in her shoes, I would NEVER EVER, have said what she did in that email.  I would never have selfishly tried to bring her down.  I would have kept it to myself.

So unless, I’m completely off here, what I get from this is that if my sister sees me going in a positive direction, or actually being happy for once in my life, she does not want me to SHARE it with her, whether I give the Glory is to GOD or not.  She wants me to not talk about or be positive because SHE is in a bad place?

So, then, basically, she doesn’t want a relationship with me because my very presence may emit positivity?

Someone tell me I’m wrong in thinking that is the most SELFISH thing I’ve ever heard!

On top of how hurtful this all is, it’s amazing how she decides to see my positivity as gloating?  And being that I’ve lost a lot of weight and now weigh less than her, by a lot of pounds, just my very presence, as I mentioned above, is gloating.

I have been betrayed by the last of these people who I only share blood with.

I’m appalled…..yet, I’m so sad for where she is right now….so very sad but I refuse to be pulled into her Misery Buffet.

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“The idea of Summmer…and all things….HOT…”

Yeah, I just couldn’t think of a title but oh how much I love that Snowman!

If you are reading this, you might want to make sure you have the time and grab a coffee and pull up a chair.  This might be a long update.

So, this morning, I drop off The Boy at before care and the room is all dark and every single child is staring at the tv and singing along to our favorite Snowman….

I proudly announced that his voice and that “Summer” song is my ring tone…I have no shame!  I love that Snowman!

Happy Anniversary!  You registered on WordPress.com 1 year ago! Thanks for flying with us. Keep up the good blogging!

Yes, it has been 1 year that I’ve had this WordPress blog open. It doesn’t seem that long yet, it kinda does. I think that may be because of the massive amount of writing I’ve put into this thing and how much of my life history I’ve revealed.

4th Grade Project

THearstCastle-712894his month is 4th grade project month.  Apparently, 4th graders are no longer tied down to doing just a Mission located here in California.  At least my kid’s school isn’t requiring a California Mission.  We get to choose any California landmark we desire.  I decided….oh I mean THE BOY….decided Hearst Castle in San Simeon, CA.  How the HELL I’m going to make a model of this thing now has me worried that I may have bit off more than I can chew…but it’s THE BOY’s project…right? It doesn’t reflect at ALL on me..right?

Wrong….

But regardless, I will try to create the front of the Castle, some trees in front then the Neptune Pool.  The pool I already have an idea of how it’s going to be made.  It’s the Castle I’m worried about.  But supply shopping will soon commence at the Walmart and Micheals.

It’s due May 7, so I have a good month to do this….ahem..I mean THE BOY has a good month to do his project…

Weight

I’m still, miraculously, losing weight.  There are ups and downs.  I got on the scale one week and gained 8 lbs, then got on it again the next week and lost the 8 and a few more.  So it’s hard to gauge what will happen but it doesn’t matter.  As long as I can still run on that treadmill, breathe when going up stairs and fit into a size 8.

And that I NEVER see that scale tell me 245 lbs ever again.

I have not visited the clinic nor got an injection for a month now.  I’ve also been completely off the appetite suppressants.  However, I may return to the clinic and pay off the last $200 for another 10 weeks soon.  After, that 10 weeks, if I’m diligent, that should be it for me on losing the initial weight.  Then it’s maintenance from here until I die.  So I will continue to remain 95% carb free, for the rest of my life.  I will constantly monitor portions and make better choices.  I will forever keep my exercise level high.

LilySlim - (hgaY)

But as of this date, I have lost a total of 71 lbs. That is more than what The Boy weighs!  And, I’m not longer in the “Obese” section of the BMI charts. I’m simply “overweight” now…..

So apparently a size 6/8 and looking like this….is overweight.  But hey, at least I’m not “Obese” anymore!

Yeah...I hate selfies...ugh...

Yeah…I hate selfies…ugh…

Family

Well surprise surprise!!..…a family member has officially been cut off and guess what.…IT ISN’T ME!

In the past it would have been me considering some of the crap I’ve pulled.  But it isn’t, (BTW, the relationship between myself and my mother is GREATLY improved.  She still sometimes says things that I have to roll my eyes at but I’m able to do just that and it’s all good).

My aunt, my mother’s sister, is officially cut off, monetarily and emotionally, with anything to do with myself, my sister and our mother and father.  There will no longer be any interaction between us and her.  If she has the gall to call my mother up on the future asking for money or whatever, my mother has been instructed by myself and my sister that she is to not answer the phone, lest she desires to feels our wrath.

Believe me when I say that this decision was tossed around a lot and has lots of merit behind it.  My aunt has burned her last bridge with these latest shenanigans she pulled.

My mother’s other sister, has also cut their sister off in the capacity listed above.  I am actually not going to go into detail because, even though it included a possible legal battle and my aunt just being a manipulator and pathological liar, it is very convoluted and honestly, to embarrassing to even admit here.Who opened the closet

I know one thing is for sure regarding my family.  I am REALLY sick and tired of new “skeletons” that keep coming out of our family closet every so often.  With this new debacle, even more skeletons have come out and honestly, I don’t know who or WHAT to believe anymore.

I’m just glad that my son isn’t near some of the “skeletons” and I just want to be done with it all.

I so desire to shake my family tree of all its skeletons and bury their bones forever.

Divorce

Life will always continue to surprise me and people surprising me is no exception.  As my aunt has surprised us all by betraying the family, my ex-husband surprised me to the point of humility.

Wait…does anyone know what temperature it is in HELL!?

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So, back in December, I decided I needed to go back to court to get the ex to pay a bit more child support only because, according to our current incomes, he should be paying about $400 more a month.  So I got that started, got my previous attorney to work on it and got it filed.  Earlier this week, my attorney tells me that my ex got his own lawyer and wants to negotiate….ugh.

I think the worst. I mean what is there to negotiate?! If he thinks he can weasel back into The Boy’s life after 8 years of nothing just so he can pay less in child support….screw that!  I know that is the worst possible scenario, but that is where my mind went and, apparently, it didn’t need to.

Long story short, I spoke with my ex yesterday and he agrees to all that I have requested, which is the higher monthly child support payment and the $600 he owes me from a washing machine we bought back when we were married that he was ordered to pay and never did.

I think my jaw literally fell to the floor.

Am I being tricked?

Is he lying?

Did I land in Bizzarro World?!?!

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Well, no I don’t believe he is lying.  I think he knows that if it goes to court, a judge would “hand him his ass on a platter” as a new friend of mine so poetically and precisely put it.  I would assume, he is just laying down the sword and realizing his defeat.

I know that gloating and pride are not qualities that God promotes and being a women of faith I would rather not gloat but I have to say that for the first time in 10 years, I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted off me and that this particular fight is just about over and I may have won.  Now, I won’t be so naïve as to think that something else might not come up as life has many plot twists but my ex only has 8 more years to be obligated to pay child support and I believe that this issue of an increase might come up one more time before the 8 years are up, but until then, I am the victor.

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So that ended rather amicably and a HUGE weight has been lifted off me because this Boy is getting SUPER expensive what with torn jeans every few weeks, new shoes every month and hockey gear…I barely have money to get myself $1.99 Suave shampoo!

Miscellaneous

  • I miss Disneyland visits so much.  I don’t see a renewal of a pass anytime in the future.
  • The Walking Dead, Season 4 is over…and if you don’t know what I’m talking about, that’s ok.  If you do and haven’t seen it…don’t get mad at me when I say I would turn into EXACTLY  the same kind of person Rick has turned into.  And yes, I would have ripped that guys throat out with my teeth…if he was attacking my kid and double yes, I would have stabbed my kid’s would be attacker 50 million times.  Rick did exactly what I would have done, to protect my child.
  • New Season of Game of Thrones starts Sunday!
  • So! Who is taking me to go see Captain America! The Boy doesn’t want to see it but I do! Who’s coming with me?!?!

SHOUT OUT!

Lastly, I would like to give a shout out and I hope that this person doesn’t mind me giving him a shout out.

At one point in my life, just after losing my best friend, I honestly thought that God did not intend for me to develop any kinds of friendships.  I couldn’t find anyone that matched the connection that she and I had.  I believe that we were soul mates but not in the romantic sense.  More in a sisterly bond sense, yet we shared not one drop of blood.

However, along the way I have run into some truly fascinating people who are genuine, kind and willing to make a connection.  Some have stuck around in my life (cue in a wonderful couple who live up north who I think are the best EVER! And yes, I will give Elder Scrolls a chance).  But for the most part, it’s been a lonely life that I have built many walls around.  So, to make a new friend is a huge positive for me.

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I would just like to tell this person, and you know who you are, thank you SOOO much for giving me a chance, being patient and breaking down the walls I’ve built up around me.  I know that as individuals, we run into many people on a daily basis, not knowing anything about them.  We affect them by our actions and you have affected me tremendously.  You are the positive friendship that my little weak faith needed, in God and in people.

Thank you so much for listening to me this past week.  You have NO idea how just being able to get things off my chest has helped me.  I greatly appreciate all the effort you’ve put into getting to know me.  You are a truly blessed person and the friendship we are building is important to me.

And with that, until the next time, that is all for now.

thCABOMA63

Has there ever been a time you were truly happy?

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My mother presented this question to me last night during a phone conversation and it actually got me to thinking about how I could truly and honestly answer that question.

I’m half way through my life and at this point I can honestly say, after taking some time to lay in bed and think about it, that I have never, ever been genuinely happy, ever.

Now, there were times I was content and maybe even close to happy.  However, looking back on those times, I realized the happiness was coming from a time in my life that was not true reality, more like a House of Cards that eventually all came crumbling down.  It was not real.

The one time I remember actually being content enough to borderline true happiness was the last three months I was pregnant, back in early 2004.  Weird, I know, to think the third trimester of a very LARGE pregnancy would make any women feel happy, but I was.  I had been taken off work by my doctor, due to a painful gallstone which eventually prompted the removal of my whole gallbladder years later.  During that time, I just watched my food intake and was able to keep the pain under control.

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My Abyssinian/Siamese mix I had back in 2004

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My Abyssinian baby boy back in 2004

Those days in the first three months of 2004 were peaceful, calm and quite serene.  I would get up, not rushed, not fatigued and cuddle with my cats, then maybe go eat something and walk around the mall a bit, or just sit at home and play a video game. I felt no urgency to be somewhere, no worry about paying bills.  Money was actually flowing in pretty good at that time because I was getting a disability check from my employer, using PTO time for being off work (so I was still getting a paycheck) and getting $1400 a month from AFLAC for disability.  So I was basically getting a paycheck and then some.  I was truly content and seemingly without a care in the world.

Thinking about it now, as I mentioned before, I was in a dream world, a world that wasn’t truly reality.  I remember reality hitting VERY hard after the baby was born.  The reality of a divorce, suddenly becoming a single mother and dealing with being a mother while living under my own mother’s roof (cliff notes version, a mother can’t be a mother while still living in their own mother’s house…impossible).

But to answer that initial question, have I ever been truly happy, the answer would be universally NO.  I’m constantly in a state of agitation and worry.  I’m constantly feeling pain of some sort, whether in my heart, through my emotions or actual physical pain.  Thankfully the latter is much less since my 67 lb weight loss however, the 67 lb weight loss just adds to the psychological obsession that I have to make sure I never gain the weight back again.  It also means the other forms of pain are only emphasized.

I know it is all me. I know we all create our own paths and our own happiness and I’m not saying that I have moments, and by moments, I mean literally, just seconds, of content-ness.  (yeah, I made that word up, deal)

For instance, each evening, when I’m done with cooking dinner, doing my workout, cleaning up the apartment a bit, making sure The Boy is bathed and teeth brushed, telling The Boy to bath and brush his teeth 5-10 times in a row, getting The Boy to bed, making sure I’M bathed and I’m actually sitting down on the couch with my tablet and my cat, ready to crumble into a short state of vegetation because I realize I have to go to bed to start the routine all over again, sometimes, in that short state of vegetation, I will have a moment of content.  The cat helps.  Pets are truly therapy.IMG_20131210_222227

I have never really strived to reach pure happiness because I really don’t think it exists.  I know some say being a parent brings happiness and I won’t deny that it does, sometimes, but sometimes, for me, the most being a parent and being a single parent has brought me is the realization that my sanity can be pushed just a little more each day to the brink of utter and massive detonation.

starsToday, I did reach 30 stars on my Starbucks Rewards Program.  Now, I’m officially a Starbucks Gold Member (as long as I keep purchasing Starbucks for the next 12 months and keep the stars coming).  In a way, that granted me a bit of joy.  I do enjoy my Starbucks Pike Blend (never the frothy foo-foo coffee drinks…just straight Pike for me!)

fav-broccoli-cheddar-soup-doublewide_desktopHappiness is different for each individual person.  I, personally, thought losing the most weight I’ve ever lost in my life and being able to actually see my ribs would make me happy.  SURPRISE SURPRISE!  I’m still miserable.  But hey, at least my feet don’t hurt any more and I can squeeze into size 8 skinny jeans!  But in return, I never get to enjoy a Bread Bowl filled with Broccoli and Cheese soup from Panera Bread, ever…ever again.

So, I wonder, if you sit and think about the initial question, “Have you ever been TRULY happy?”, first be honest with the part of the question that says “TRULY”.  Then try and tell me you’ve been there.  You’ll see things different when the rose-colored glasses are removed and you notice that everything is shit brown.

Blegh.

A Valentine for the Un-lovable

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That would be me.  Un- lovable.

Yet another of these stupid days rolls in and I have to endure the heart cards, the heart shaped boxes of little chocolates, red and pink M&M’s and my Facebook feed of gooey and gushy “I love my husband/wife/dog”.  (Oh BTW certain Facebook friend, you probably should stop loving that spouse of yours.  They are cheating on you).

I know there are more of you out there who endure this day as I do and just want it to go away.  I am un-lovable.

By my definition and according to my circumstances, I am a person who has NEVER been loved.  I do not mean by relatives like a mother, father, sibling,  etc.  To love a relative is a forced loved, meaning, you don’t choose to.  Well, I know sometimes you DO choose to end loving a relative because they are a horrible douchbag but you get my meaning.

I have never been loved by someone who wasn’t blood to me.  I have never known the love of a man or even a friend.  Well, at this point in my life only one friend but God thought it a great joke to have her be removed from my life 8 years ago because of cancer.

eeyore-rain-cloudAh, I love my Eeyore Status with God.  I’m always under that rain cloud of drudgery with Him.

For those who know me a little, you might be asking yourself “Wait, wasn’t she married?”

Yes, I was.  But he neither loved me nor even liked me so why he married me is beyond me.  You think it would have been for money or an arranged marriage (no I wasn’t pregnant when we married) but no.  I just think it was just another sick joke to push me closer to ending it all.

I will not keep rambling my sorrows about this stupid day any longer.  I just hope that those who wallow in the sea of “oh I love you dear hubby forever and ever” and “I’m going to Jared to get my wonderful wife a diamond in her favorite color”, realize that it isn’t all candy and brightly colored and expensive jewels for some.

For some it is just another day to remind a person that is mid way through their life, that they are utterly alone in their existence on this earth.

That they are not, and probably never will be, loved.

Weight loss update and a trip to the E.R.

It’s turning into a monthly weigh in update, even though I am weighing in every week.

I have been at this for almost a year (May).  I’m officially in a size 8 and what I find funny is that according to the BMI charts, I guess a size 8 is considered OBESE because I’m STILL in the OBESE range of the BMI charts.

Those charts can kiss my ass.

Anyway, I really don’t even remember what I felt like this time last year, kind of.  I know what I looked like because I’ve seen the photos and I remember not being able to breathe going up 5 steps or trying to get through just ONE song on my Wii Just Dance (something that I don’t get slightly winded, even after about 10 songs).  I guess what I don’t remember is just being the old me.33ffee062ec7ee70a30d7342690db639

I am now at a weight I haven’t been since about 10 years ago.  And being that I’ve incorporated weight lifting (which I’ve been doing for about 6 months now) and power uphill walking and running, I am noticing muscles I never knew I had.  I’m getting some killer arms to, thanks to the weight lifting.

However, all this will not stop genetics….Last Tuesday, I called 911, on myself.

I had been feeling light headed all day when going from a sitting to standing position and I felt like I had an elephant on my chest.  I just ignored it, as I usually do, and went about my business.

That night, I go to bed then my stomach suddenly hurt, like knives were being pushed into my stomach.  I made my way to the bathroom but then started to realize that I was going to pass out.  I got cold, and not just like a “oh I’m cold” feeling.  It literally felt like my blood turned ice cold.

I really thought I was having a heart attack and I was going to meet Jesus.

Thinking that I do NOT want The Boy to get up, as he was asleep in my bed, in the middle of the night and trip over my unconscious or possibly dead body, I knew I had to contact someone before I gave up the ghost.

I called my mother and according to her, she said at one point I blacked out because I stopped talking and the phone went dead.  I do remember calling her but not hanging up with her and I only remember tid bits of calling 911 and I couldn’t give them my address nor the name of my apartment complex because I could barely speak.  Things were getting black and hazy.

I made it back to my bed and my limbs began to tingle.  Next thing I know, 4 or 5 firemen and paramedics are in my room.  They were talking to The Boy (who handled all of this wonderfully, I might add) and they even gave him a little fireman’s hat.  The paramedics took my blood pressure.  It was low. But my heart and lungs were fine.

thCAS942INFast forward, I take a trip in the Ambulance to the E.R. and spend the next few hours in a bed there while they take my blood, get urine samples, x-ray my chest and check my heart again, all of which were fine.

Diagnosis: The elephant I felt on my chest all day, was acid reflux.  Fantastic….

The episode I had of cold and numbness….a panic attack.   Even better….

So, I came to the conclusion that weight loss isn’t my only problem.  Apparently, it is genetic that digestion problems, such as acid reflux, runs in the family.  I am getting that checked.  Although I don’t know what triggered it because I eat NO fast food, NO fried and NO fatty.  I am monitoring what else may have done it.  I’ve been fine since then though.  That was a week and a few days ago.

A funny “what the hell is that story?!?” stemming from my paranoia of an E.R. visit.  A few days ago I was lying down in my bed, my hands were on my stomach.  I then stretched and my fingers felt this lump just to the right of my upper stomach.  I feel a bit more going “damnit what now?” and hoping I wasn’t growing a tumor.  Then I realized what I was feeling…..my ribs.

That’s right folks.  I have NEVER seen nor felt my ribs since I can’t even remember.  I would guess since I was a child?  But there they were, my ribs.  Of course, I was stretching so they were more visible but it was a laughable moment indeed.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

6 more lbs down!
Total: 66 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Weekly Weigh In – I’m back on track

I am back into my routine after a 6 lb gain over the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays.  The gain was mainly because I didn’t exercise for a long period of time due to my lower back going out and getting the flu at the beginning of December.  And of course the holiday goodies didn’t help.

I am just about back to the weight I was before the holidays and starting fresh.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

 4 lbs down!
Total: 60 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

 

Kings Tickets? Yes please!

I hold in my hand these…..

Kings

The Boy and I will be seeing the Kings play the Canucks this Saturday evening.  As I look back in my life, I never, ever thought I would EVER get excited over going to a Kings hockey game.  In my youth, I barely knew hockey existed.  That wasn’t the sport I was raised on.  We were baseball (Dodger) fans.  Also, my father was never the sports kinda guy and I only had a younger sister.  No real brothers to speak of and no other men in my life so I never really was around sports much at all except for the occasional Dodger game.

This is a whole new world for me and I really am loving it.

This is the virtual view of our seats in the Premier section.

Kings seats

I wonder if they will allow me to bring in my Canon SLR to take some photos….

Holidays Weigh In

Ugh..just ugh.  My last Weigh in post was here and it was a LONG time ago.  October 28th, to be exact.

This will qualify as a “Weigh In” entry but it will also qualify as a “oops..let’s get back on this train” plea to myself.  However, trying to stay on the bright side, this post is the first of all the weight loss posts I’ve been doing since May that is negative in the fact that I’ve gained weight back in the past 2 months.

I think one of the things I’ve come to HATE most about my eternal life of constant monitoring of food that goes in and exercise that goes out, is that the weight can ALWAYS come back and you better believe it will come back threefold.

I was hit with my first holiday season and tried very hard.  During Thanksgiving, I tried to keep away from the carbs and do more protein.  It kind of worked.

The first two weeks of December, I got the flu and my lower back went out forcing me to stop exercising.  Just last week, I’ve been back to 3-4 times a week on the treadmill and lifting weights.

Last night, realizing that I’m back in my exercise routine and fully recovered from my lower back pain (kinda) and the flu, I got on the scale in the work out room.  I was thrown back into reality.  According to that scale, I have gained 4 lbs since the beginning of November.

I have just returned from the Medical Clinic that started me on this road back in May and yes, the weight gain is 4 lbs.  I’ve adjusted my ticker to the right to reflect such and I will go from there.  I have paid for another 10 weeks of appetite suppressants and vitamin injections at the clinic and will kick start this again.  On the positive side, at least I’m starting at a much lower weight than 245 and puts me THAT much closer to my goal.

Success

Upon reflection though, in the past, when I’ve come to this certain fork in the road when I see the weight creeping back and the food takes over, usually what happens is I give up.  The weight returns and then about 40 more lbs follow it.  That is how I reached 245 in the first place.

I looked at those numbers, realizing, it’s only FOUR lbs.  However, over time, 4 can easily turn into 40.  I will not allow this.  I know me.  If I allowed myself to get fat again, that would be the end of my mental state, my energy, my motherhood and life on many levels.  I know me….gaining it back, would kill me on the inside and work it’s way out.

This weight loss has opened up my eyes to so many things and not just on the “looks” part of it or fitting into a size 8 for the first time in…well ever!  My health is the best it’s been in years,  my monthly visitor is MUCH more manageable (believe me, that in itself is enough to not falter.  I dreaded Aunt Flo every month and the mess she always created).

The bottom line is…I will not let food win.  I will not let the little peanut butter and chocolate squares sitting just inches from my desk right now, win.  I have a divorce court date coming up in either February or March (more on THAT in another post) and I will NOT let my ex-husband or even my divorce attorney see a defeated and fat single mother.

Most importantly, God did NOT imbue in me the strength I’ve mustered since May to lose 60 lbs just to waste it away and gain it back.  I’m tired of disappointed God and I’m sure He’s tired of it to.  Sometimes, I feel it’s the only thing I can give back to Him since I tend to hold grudges on His choices on how my life is going BUT that is another post as well.

On the more selfish side, my sister has lost 10 lbs since she started at a medical clinic for weight loss and I CAN’T let her win!  I mean that in healthy good competition.  For the first time in years….I have the upper hand in our relationship and I’m winning.  In the past, she always won everything from earning our parents love more to buying her own home and everything in between.  In this, I WON…and it will stay that way.  Besides, my weight loss encouraged her to start her own weight loss and she really needed it.  I believe her mental state about herself was worse than me and what made it worse is that she held it all in and puts up so many wallsthat even I, her sister, can’t punch through them.  Weight loss would benefit her even more than me.

For the first time, ever, in the battle of my fat that began when I was 12 years old….I AM IN FUCKING CONTROL.

38 years Married

HappyAnniversaryMickeyandMinnieToday, my parents celebrate their 38th wedding Anniversary.  Even if I met a man tomorrow and married him the next day, I probably couldn’t make it to almost 40 years of marriage simply because I would probably die first.  Not many now a days can claim that many years married to the same person.

The length of their marriage, I believe, is the reason why I never had a successful marriage and my sister will never be married.  It’s kind of like a curse.  My parents are soul mates only in the fact that my father allowed my mother to rule the roost, so to speak, but on all levels.  He made no decisions without her and did nothing without her.  He allowed her to run all with very little input from himself and putting up with her antics and believe me, she threw out some whopping doozy of adult tantrums from what I remember, even though she denies them all to this day and apparently, I was living a different childhood with different parents than from what I remember, so I’m the crazy one.

I’m really not putting down that they have been married for 38 years because I really do  believe that one can not live without the other, even though one (my mother) wouldn’t admit to it but probably will if she is the spouse left standing, should my father die first.  But more important to my “curse” theory is that I believe that a man like my Dad is the only type of man who would be able to deal with a woman like my mother and even women like myself and my sister. We are VERY tough cookies to crack, if we ever get cracked and we tend to be over dramatic and have non-diagnosed Biplor as well, no joke.  I think I’m a little more pliable and controlling of my rants than my sister and mother as I have more of an emotional side than they do, hence, I tend to be a more tender person.

So, I firmly believe there is no man on the planet suited for our types of personality.  I stand by that assumption because my sister and I are both alone and tolerant of very little.  My sister is worse than me.  I’m just exhausted of dealing with men who are out right assholes, which is pretty much all of them.

So Happy Anniversary to my parents and thanks to you both for making sure that my sister and I never have a long lasting marriage or marriages at all because you have had such a “successfully” long one.

A few days until Xmas

And I’m still just not feeling it. Or I’m on the fence about how I’m feeling. I did get excited when I found a singing house just a few blocks from my apartment and plan to get The Boy, coffee and hot cocoa, and just parking the car in front and enjoying. I love when people light up their houses and sync the lights to music.

Holiday-shoppingOn the re-opening of my child support case, I ran into a snag. I used some of the $2000 my mother gave me and didn’t have enough to cover the $2000 check I sent to them. In my defense though, I did use it to finish my Xmas shopping.  I know..I know…I already ripped myself a new one for not planning that properly. Anyway, I got it squared away with the help of a nice Xmas bonus check given to me yesterday, $60 given to me by my ex-husband for medical co-payments and prescriptions (demanding that money from him was at the advice of my attorney) and my current child support amount posted this morning. I now have enough to finally pay my attorney to start this case. I get more money on Friday from my paycheck but not much since I was out sick for a few days without pay.

handing-over-moneySo that will be all for me regarding money until after the New Year. Hopefully, I don’t get my utilities and cell phone shut off since I had to forgo paying those bills JUST to save Xmas.  I barely had enough to send frozen waffles to The Boy’s class for his Xmas Breakfast they are having.  I wished I were exaggerating when I say that my fridge has been empty for weeks, and I can’t afford frozen waffles.  I get to make the fantastic choice of gas or food or getting utilities shut off or being late on my rent all the time and I normally don’t choose the late on the rent option because it only takes being 3 days late before the apartment has Sheriff knocking on the door, kicking me out.  It’s happened once before and the fees to get that all straightened out was VERY painful.

The-Lone-Ranger-2013I do still need to pick up The Lone Ranger DVD for my dad.  He is a bit of a cowboy fanatic in his old age.  It’s kinda cute.  I actually went into his “Retirement Man Cave” just last week for pretty much the first time in months and I was very impressed with how strategically he has placed John Wayne posters and cowboy paraphernalia on the walls and around the room.  It warmed my heart because that small room, is exactly who my Daddy is.  He said he wanted The Lone Ranger DVD for Xmas since I couldn’t really get him any more paraphernalia as the walls and every inch of the room was stuffed.

I am taking some money and very much looking forward to seeing Saving Mr. Banks on Friday night and we have Universal Studios planned for Saturday.  I’m not feeling much into the Amusement Park mood mostly because I will not be seeing the Xmas Disneyland decorations for only the 2nd Xmas in the past 9 years and as silly, childish and stupid as it sounds, it makes me so sad to the point of tears. But I guess Grinchmas will have to do.

I’m such a spoiled brat.

Oh look at that…I’m still alive…

I guess now would be as good a time as ever to write up the world’s longest update post.

The end of 2013 is proving to be full of twists and turns and even loop holes.  I will break it down into a few different sections, more to satisfy my OCD than anything else.  So without further adieu, the last few months of my existence, broken down into categories and in no particular order, (I warned you all about my OCD right?).

Divorce

There is never an easy or 1, 2, 3 type divorce.  Although I will admit, my divorce 10 years ago went as much in my favor as it could have, especially compared to other divorces.  However, I knew the day would come when I would have to dish out another chunk of money to get what I needed.  That day has come.

As of this week, I borrowed a nice chunk of money from my parents and I have put down a huge retainer to re-hire my previous divorce attorney to re-open my case from 2005.  The decision to do this was prompted because I realized that my ex-husband makes a lot more money now than he did back in 2005 and I make a lot less than I did back in 2005. child-support-image-624x499

My attorney, after roughly looking at our incomes, feels I should be getting double of the child support that I’m currently receiving.  The main thing going against my ex-husband is that he has 0% time with The Boy.  He hasn’t seen him in almost 9 years.  I am 100% full custodial parent, therefore, all expenses, on a 24/7 basis, come out of my pocket.

If all goes well, instead of $496 monthly child support I currently get, my attorney is going to see I get close to $1300 a month.

That amount is according to my yearly income and my ex-husband’s yearly income.  That number is not me wanting to clean my ex out….it is based on our incomes, nothing more.

That is how much MORE he makes than me, yet I have The Boy 100%.

Sounds friggin’ fair to me!!!

Money

Rose Smith: Money. I hate, loathe, despise and abominate money.

Mr. Alonzo Smith: You also spend it.

—Quoted from “Meet Me in St. Louis”

money22Money can prove to be another love/hate relationship that I have developed.  I hate that life in general depends on it.  For the past few months, I’ve been seriously living paycheck to paycheck, as I’m sure all of America is.  However, my last resort is moving back in with my parents and in all honestly, I would rather slit my wrists that do that again.  Nothing against them, we just cannot live together, it can’t happen.

I also hate that I don’t have enough money to enjoy life.  And don’t tell me “oh you can enjoy life without money”.  It’s a lie.  Sure I can go for a walk or take The Boy to a park but does it cost gas to drive anywhere? Yup.  And maybe the walk would cost nothing, until someone gets hungry or wants ice cream.

Then, don’t get me started on how I can’t keep food in my fridge at all.  Remember, I eat nothing.  Some nights, my dinner consists of a bowl of corn flakes or 2 hard boiled eggs.  That kid is eating me out of house and home and still demands more.

That is why I am taking my ex-husband back to court (see above).  I mean sure I could live in the ghetto and my kid could go to the worst school in the state but I’m going to try everything I can to keep off of welfare and keep out of the ghetto.  Call me a snob if you want but that is just how I was raised.  No free hand outs and all options must have been tried before it becomes dire straits.

It all keeps adding up though.  My car also needs about $1000 of work done and I have the warning lights popping up left and right.  I need all new tires as the ones I have are apparently balding.  I need new brakes and a couple of other things. But it all added up to well over $1000.

I’m hoping that I can squeeze as much out of my tax refund in February as I can to pay back my parents for the divorce attorney retainer and get my car fixed and then, that leads me to…

The Cat

As I posted back in October, my cat spent three nights in the hospital due to Kidney failure and dehydration.  They were able to get him into much better shape and I took him home.  Since then, I’ve gone out of my way every month to get his supply of Renal LP food directly from the vet and he has been doing fine.  I was told he might need about $600 of dental work done at a later date.IMG_20131210_222227

The past few days, he has been doing the gagging thing while he eats, again.  I believe it is due to his teeth.  I was hoping, being that he is 5 years old and half way through his life, I would be able to get through the next 5 or so years with no problems.  That is what I get for thinking.

There is no way I can afford another $600 of dental work and the two credit cards I have are already maxed out what with having to squeeze money from my ass to pay for my divorce attorney.  I am no longer getting approved for any more credit so I’m at my credit card cap.

I’m going to play it by ear and try and mush up his food as best as I can to get him to eat without gagging.  He also needs to learn not to scarf down his food, even though he is an animal, he can’t eat like one or he chokes.  I’m hoping just mushing his food and giving him little bits will help him eat slower.  But he is a stubborn cat….if he starts to associate the food with him gagging, he won’t go near it and he can’t, nor will he, eat any other store brand food.  The food I give him now is a vet prescription for his Renal failure.  He could go back to starving himself again.

I don’t even want to think about losing that cat…damn him…I love him so much.

Ugh..moving on…

Health

Meh, the end of November/beginning of December was tough.  I didn’t exercise much because of Thanksgiving cutting into my routine and of course Thanksgiving provided plenty of food to eat but I tried to steer clear of carbs and just eat turkey, lots of turkey.

Then the week after Thanksgiving, my lower back when out and I got the flu. I was out of work for 2 days last week.  I just need a really long deep tissue massage because the amount of stress and pain that is piercing my back and neck daily is almost enough to make me scream.  But how much does a massage cost? and oh..that’s right, I have NO husband to lightly rub my back for me so, a simple massage is in my dreams.  I’m still waking up with no strength in my lower back to even sit up.  I also believe alot of it is my sciatica because the twinging pain goes down both my legs pretty much all day.  I’m just living with it.

thSo day by day I endure the physical pain and just smile and nod so everyone thinks I’m holding it together when in essence, I just want to rip my spine out and pop it back into place.

But that takes me into….

Weight

375x321_lose_weight_fast_how_to_do_it_quickly_ref_guideAh, here is another part of my daily existence I have to constantly be thinking about.  I must monitor all that goes into my pie hole.  Actually, I don’t mind doing that and the My Fitness Pal app really helps out with monitoring food intake versus exercise output.  It is when I lack exercise that I start to feel my muscles that I’ve worked so hard on developing, start to deflate like a pierced balloon.

However, I have managed to maintain my weight and the total loss of 62 lbs.  I’ve gained nothing even though I haven’t been on the appetite suppressants for over a month and haven’t been to visit the clinic for the injections due to me needing to pay a balance to start up another 10 weeks of visits.  So in essence, I can do it on my own.  But I still have at least 30 more to lose before I get to the “on my own completely” point with only visits to the clinic for the vitamin injections and maintenance.  However, I just bought a size 8 pair of pants making me officially down 10 pants sizes since April, from a size 18 to the now size 8.

And guess what?  According to the BMI charts, I’m still in the “Obese” category so apparently a size 8 is obese.  The BMI charts can kiss my size 8 ass.

Dating

I broke down and paid for a membership on Christian Mingle.com  I haven’t been on there long enough to really establish my opinions about it but on the surface, it seems like there are a lot less crazies there than Match or any of those free places.  Those free sites are scary. Uh, yeah…I think my opinion is starting to become established.  So called “Christian”‘ men are just as much ass holes and jerks as any other man, if not worse.

I really just can’t move in a positive direction in the dating category.  I have a condition that doesn’t allow me to deal well with men who are sarcastic, egotistical and want only one thing.  Then throw in someone who thinks they are better than you in every way, and I’m done.

I have better things to do.

The Boy

One of my favorite movies

One of my favorite movies

I really can’t put my finger on what kind of relationship I have with The Boy.  There are parts of his personality that are coming out that I really do not like.  He argues way to friggin’ much.  He also gets way to moody and in a stinky attitude if he doesn’t get his way.  I’ve taken to just sending him to his room when he gets the pouting face and stinky attitude if he doesn’t get what he wants.  I don’t even want to see him.  Then, minutes later, he comes out all wanting hugs and cuddles and I’m like “really kid?”.  I’m telling you, he is bipolar.

Then again, he comes from me and I’m riding the roller coaster of emotions sometimes.  However, ungratefulness is something I won’t tolerate and I think I spoil him.  He is becoming greedier and greedier each Christmas and that just doesn’t sit well with me.  It reflects off of me and makes me look pretty bad.  But I have to remember, I am fighting more “Nature” than anything and he still has his father’s assholery genetics.  I spend a lot of my energy trying to erase genetics and that may be a losing battle.

But damn did I make a good looking human.  My kid is so handsome!

The Family

Ah, my family.  I find it truly interesting to love and despise someone, at the same time.  My mother, I just don’t know what to feel about her sometimes.  I think I need to just makes friends with the fact that it is just what it is.  She and my father took money out of my father’s retirement to give to me to retain my divorce attorney (see above) and if I hadn’t been given that money I wouldn’t have been able to move forward with changing my child support.  For that, I love them both.Funny-eCards-9

But sometimes, she just needs to learn to keep her mouth shut.  However, in her defense, we all kind of do.  I know I tend to have foot in mouth disease on occasion.

My sister, she is on the losing weight bandwagon now which is an even bigger motivation for me to stay at a weight below her.  She has also joined a medical clinic as I have and takes the appetite suppressants and tries to cut out carbs.  She has lost about 10 lbs so far.  I really hope that this is the breaking point for her as it has been for me.  I hope that she tells herself to never go back and sure, we may falter and eat one to many pieces of pizza but we get back on track.  She needs to get a hold of her body more than me because her weight really brings her down desperately and she really becomes very scary to be around and her depression becomes palpable.

We cancelled the Montana trip on Christmas week to visit my other sister.  It was going to be to expensive and time consuming and I really couldn’t take that much time off work but more importantly, there was NO way I was taking a 3 day/3 state driving trip with my mother, father and sister.  I would have run us off the road just to end the anguish.

Depression

I have moments where I feel I have failed at just about every aspect of my life.  I failed at my marriage 10 years ago.  I failed at being able to support my child and myself financially because I’m living paycheck to paycheck and sometimes not even with enough in a paycheck.  I feel I’ve failed to work on myself so that I could attract a decent male to accompany me in this journey of life.  I really think there is just something wrong with me which is why I don’t have a man.  It’s not my weight because I don’t have that issue anymore.  I thought I was just plain ugly which could still be the case but maybe, I just have a rotten personality, which is why I attract absolutely no one which explains why I don’t have a husband or friends.  Or it could be that men are jerks (see Dating section above).thCAROPVN4

I’m not confirming that is the case, I’m just throwing out theories because I just don’t know but this is where the depression stems from.

I’m going to be brutally honest here but, sometimes, I get so lonely that if there was a sharp object or even gun around, I can say that I would not be writing this post at all…it would be over.  I think it comes to that point because of the type of person I am.  I crave affection and human touch.  I haven’t had an adult hug me, that wasn’t my parents or sisters, in the past 10 years.

DID YOU READ THAT…10 YEARS!  It’s like my soul is dying inside of this shell of flesh I walk around in.  But I don’t give in because I just keep thinking, “Who would take care of my son”.  I mean if something did happen to me, my sister would step forward and even though we disagree on a lot, there are aspects of raising children we do agree on and I can trust to her follow my footsteps.  But I wouldn’t be there.

Damn Satan and his invention of Depression.

But then I move onto…..

Things I’m looking forward to….

Christmas, although this year, I really haven’t been feeling the cheer of it all.  Mainly that is because of the lack of funds for all the big things The Boy wants but then I get annoyed at his greediness and selfishness sometimes.  But it could also be because I’m just plain alone.  I have no one to share any of the season with, other than The Boy but that is not the same.  I put up all my decorations all alone and I sit, each night, looking at my tree, all alone.  It all really just makes me so depressed.

However, I do love this season.  I love that it gets cold (even though, as I get older I realized the cold does a nasty number on my bones).  I love seeing all the decorations and lights go up on houses and driving at night to see them.

There are also some fantastic movies coming out.  Saving Mr. Banks is #1 on my must see list, along with The Hobbit and Madea’s Christmas.  I enjoyed Thor immensely and really like the whole storyline and the tie up with all the Avengers and Shield.  Yeah, I’m a nerd like that but I love it.

Olaf-In-Frozen-Movie-HD-WallpaperI also saw Frozen and actually really enjoyed it.  My favorite character was Olaf, the talking snowman who likes warm hugs and longs to spend a day warm in the sun on the beach…poor delusional snowman.  There was one scene where he had me laughing long after the scene was over.  I haven’t laughed like that in so long it felt good.  I loved him so much, the next day I went to the Disney outlet and got me an Olaf plushie of my own.  I give him warm hugs.

Foremost……God

Ah yes, that omnipresence that hovers over me telling me not to give into sin and temptation yet insists I endure day after day of temptaion and sin topped with lonely heart ache.  The Good Lord is also turning out to be another love/hate relationship with me.  I will never understand why He thinks my life of loneliness will ever prompt me to want to follow Him fully and purely, but on the other hand, I still do.tumblr_lqqtbpkVFB1qj065bo1_500

It’s also apparent that even though I’ve lost enough weight to be down 8 sizes He makes a point to show me that the weight wasn’t the problem.  The fact that I’m pretty much the plainest and to put it simply, ugliest person on the planet, keeps me from ever getting rid of my life of loneliness.  Of course, in all of this I’m using satire (so don’t start telling me I have some sort of self perception disorder) to get the point across but the point is, God wants me to be alone.

Thanks God.  Let’s just come to terms with the fact that You’ve pretty much left me to rot in a sea of loneliness and even though You’ve made sure to flaunt every single happy couple in front of me during this lonely holiday season, I will still follow You because it’s better to be lonely in this life of flesh than burning for eternity in the Lake of Fire.

Right???  *sigh*

Last but not least…

funny-birthday-ecards-15I found one thing that I do very well.  Getting old

On Dec 2nd I turned 37 years old.  Big Friggin’ Deal is what I say.  I am not growing old gracefully and hate that my youth is being wasted away in these lonely, terribly lonely years I have to look forward to.  So my birthday is just a reminder of the day that this lonely life of mine began.   I could care less about it.

I think that all just about covers it.

It’s been a long time…..

It’s been a long time…with a lot going on.

On the weight front, I have not returned to the clinic nor am I taking the appetite suppressants at the present.  It has been tough to not eat anything and everything all the time.  I haven’t gained anything as I’m still exercising 4-5 times a week including weight lifting (my arms are getting muscles and the bat wings are disappearing) but I can see it creeping back over time if I don’t watch what I’m putting into my mouth.  I’ve consumed more chocolate and Almond Roca than I care to admit.  I will be returning to the clinic this Friday to sign up for another 10 weeks as I still need to get down another 40 pounds.  I need to get started on the medications again and get my vitamin shots.  But I am at a total of 60 pounds lost.  I am really going to have to get in the proper disciplined mind set for the upcoming food frenzied holidays.

Family drama is at its best, as usual.  What I have come to find is that if outside elements such as certain horrible skeletons in the closet and the sister’s of my mother, would not stick their claws into my mother’s, my sister’s and my life, we would actually be fine.  I’m just plain sick of it all.  However, my mother and I still disagree on a lot and we have nasty blow outs (this last Saturday being one which ended in her mocking my lonely depression pain by playing a “violin” and saying “whoa is me” and me tell her “fuck you”….yeah…it was ugly) BUT we always return to each other and unspoken apologies are…well…unspoken and I’ll accept an unspoken apology as opposed to no apology.

20131110_003758

Snickers

My cat is doing MUCH better.  He is my little Fuzzy Face and I love him SOOO much that it weirds me out how much I do!  He’s a brat though.  I got my Xmas tree up this past weekend and he was all over it playing with the ornaments but so far, nothing broken and he has since lost interest.

20131116_090931

My Christmas Tree

Speaking of getting my Xmas decorations, they are up.  I mean, sheesh, a local station is already playing Xmas music as I type this so what is wrong with getting my decorations up even before Thanksgiving.  I needed the holiday cheering up anyway and Xmas lights and Xmas songs will cheer me up every time.

I am still as lonely as ever.  I have, once again, come to the conclusions that I will never find a man to love me because of the horrific combination that I don’t trust men and that most are liars and cheats.  I know that sounds so cliché but I call it like I see it.  However, I’m taking the steps to get out of the overall lonely mode in general.  I’ve made friends with the parents of The Boy’s best bud in school.  I took both boys to the Ontario Fury Soccer game yesterday and it was fantastic!  The Boy is also going to be spending a day of Thanksgiving break with his friend so I get a night off.  It’s also nice to see a good, hard working family is a part of my kid’s life.

I am no longer going to Montana to visit my sister for Xmas.  The expense was going to be much but most of all, I couldn’t take a 3 days road trip with my mother and sister.  I know I would lose my mind and I know they would to, having to deal with me and my grumpy attitude sometimes.  Also, my car is not up to par.  I just had a quote of almost $1000 of work that needs to be done.  I had planned on going to San Francisco to the Walt Disney Museum over the Thanksgiving weekend but I had to fix my car and I couldn’t afford a rental.  So those repairs need to get done.

So, I’m taking that money I was going to spend and after sending out my niece and nephew their presents and getting all my other Christmas gifts (mostly gift cards), I’m getting a 3 day multi—pass to Disneyland and getting a hotel room nearby and spending the weekend after Xmas there.  I miss my Annual Pass tremendously (although I have a plan in the works on getting those back again) so I want to spend some time at my “Happy Place” and rejuvenate my smile again.

Other than that…I’m still here trekking along.

The Nothing….is winning

This will not be a fun happy post.  This will not recap all the wonderful things happening to me lately.  In fact, I would like to cover how my brain is slowly being taken over by The Nothing.

mx_040KeanuReevesFor those who have seen The Matrix, there is a scene, in the first film of that Trilogy, where Neo is hooked up and they are pulling him out of the Matrix and he begins to hallucinate that he is being covered with some sort of silver, metallic goo which slowly starts to cover his whole body

This is a perfect example of how The Nothing is slowly covering my soul.  I try to stay strong, be with God and believe He has a plan for me and my loneliness.  For the most part, I do believe He has a plan.  That plan is for me to be alone, to not have one friend (yes, I have not one single solitary friend) and He also plans for me to never find love.

On a daily basis, I do not enjoy this plan.  In fact, I give this plan the bird, because, even if I made mistakes in my past, I certainly am not deserving of this pain now.

So, let’s discuss pain.  I have found that heart ache, emotional and mental pain is so much worse than any physical pain I could ever feel.

I will now admit something which prompted me to make this blog private

On a daily basis, I have to stay away from sharp objects and garages where a car is left running and I’m sure you ALL understand what I mean.  Some days, I feel like any physical pain is better than this emotional torment that drags me the 7th level of hell.  On a daily basis, I want to just not exist anymore.

But then where would that leave my child?  The Boy who relies on me not being a bitch of a yelling mother to him.  It is enough that he has to occasionally deal with my outburst of mental instability.  Even though those occurrence are VERY few, they do happen.  Just last week, I lost it with him because I had told him, for the 5th time, to make his bed.  Where did I find him? In front of that damned TV.  I lost it.  The result was broken Chima Lego sets and everything on the floor and me yelling “Clean it UP!” before I stormed out of his room and slamming the door.

I did return to apologize, help him and explain WHY I had reached that point.  I’m done hearing myself nag.  However, I still felt he needed an explanation and an apology, something I never received in the almost daily occurrence of my own mother’s bipolar mental outbreaks (but now I understand why as she had 3 kids to deal with and one was not even hers) which usually included a lot more than just broken toys on the floor.  I’d be lucky if I walked away from those without a knot in my head or a bloody nose.  Of course, I had a mouth on me and that didn’t help.  But I digress…

I find it hard, lately, to find any hope in anything, to find any happiness in anything.  I have lost my smile, my laugh and I surely miss them.

I simply exist.  I go to work, pay my bills, feed my child, feed my cat and that is all.  I no longer eat (I do not exaggerate, I would say I get about 900 calories a day simply because food offers no joy anymore, neither in taste or anything) and wouldn’t have any food in the fridge if it weren’t for feeding a constantly hungry boychild.  I don’t sleep anymore, surviving on about 3-4 hours a night.

I’m tired of seeing the wicked of this world win…seeing people in relationships and using and/or abusing their significant others while I live a life of lonliness.  A life completely void of any human touch or affection.

It is this void that feeds The Nothing.  That void, which should be filled with love of another, is just a void and The Nothing ravishes this void with vigor.  It consumes me and makes me feel soul-less.

It will probably pass.  I will continue to go to work, feed my kid, do my exercise, pet my cat but I am a shell of a person just robotically swaying through the motions.

Inside, there just feels like nothing…

But hey, I did get a $25 AMC card for dressing up at work on Halloween. I get to see Thor this weekend…that is IF The Boy doesn’t complain because he doesn’t want to see it.

Weekly Weigh In – Changed things up a bit..

I did something different this time.  I did not check in at the clinic this past Friday.  My 10 weeks there are up and I will have to pay for another round of 10 weeks but, I think I’m just going to buy the medication separately, which i just take every other day now anyway, and just go in maybe twice a month for the Lipo injection.  I don’t know when I’m going back in though.  I’m tempted to buy another 10 weeks just to keep myself on track for the last 30 or 40 lbs I need to lose.

I did weigh myself on the scale in my apartment’s workout room Saturday morning and I was pleasantly shocked.

What were the results??

 4 lbs lost this week

Total: 59 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

I changed my work out just a bit.  I added another arm weight lifting routine because I am still working on these batwings that appeared.  I’m really hating them especially since I am lifting weights specifically on that target area.  Blegh.

I am also jogging more than just power walking.  I guess it worked because 4 lbs in a week is pretty good.

Weekly Weigh In – I’m officially at a plateau…..

*sigh*  This past Tuesday was probably the worse “binge” day I’ve had since starting this journey back in May.  Not only did I have way to much chocolate cake at work but I ate the In N Out fries my kid didn’t eat that night AND finished his strawberry shake.  And I didn’t work out that evening because that is the evening that I take The Boy to hockey lessons.

The next day, I felt like a weighed down beached whale.  I have to keep reminding myself I am no where NEAR the maintenance point yet, where I can binge every once in a while like that.  I still have a good 50 more lbs to drop.

What happened Tuesday, must never happen again.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

 Nothing this week 😦

Total: 55 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Once again, I have lost nothing.  So, I believe that I’m officially at a plateau.  Today, I lost nothing.  Last week, I lost 2 and the week before, I lost nothing.

And I feel that I have so much further to go.  I know that I’ve come so far but sometimes it seems that the end of this road is getting further and further away with each step of progression I achieve.  It’s such a weird psychological phenomenon.

I need to purchase another 10 weeks at the medical clinic but I may have to put that on hold as I need to find the money from somewhere.  I do want to keep getting the Vitamin injections.  I’m not one to be disciplined enough to take vitamins every day so getting the injections weekly is good for me.  I will have to see what I can do or how I can budget it since now, I owe my step-grandmother about $900 on her Care Credit card that paid for my cat’s hospitalization and meds.

One thing that I haven’t put up in a while is BMI

BMI at starting weight:

BMI 42

BMI at current weight:

BMI 32 190 lbs

I am amazed that I’m STILL in the “Obese” section.  I guess a size 10 is considered obese now?!

But that is what I’m talking about when I say this just seems like a VERY long road.  What weighs heavy on my mind is that I absolutely CAN NOT go back to being fat.  There is WAY to much at risk.  And in all honesty, I made it that way with this blog, with kind of  bragging to others about a significant weight loss.  I gain that all back and I’m just a loser.  I know, I’m not really, it’s just what my inner brain tells me.  So in a way, it’s GOOD that I’ve put myself in this place.  It holds me accountable and that is what is keeping my progression going.

More importantly, The Boy deserves a healthier mom.  I can’t let that kid down.

I must keep losing and stay on track.  There is more at stake here than just looks.  I need to figure out how to get out of this stagnant place.  I am literally 1 lb away from exiting another number milestone.  I might change up my exercise?  Or maybe just not binge on In N Out fries and Strawberry shakes…yeah THAT may be the answer!  Sheesh!

Yeah, can I just spend the rest of my life drunk?

drinking-drunk-toast-alcohol-drinking-ecards-someecards

I know, bad title especially for those who do deal with drinking problems, but I really have to admit…these past few days I’ve just wanted to drink my existence into oblivion.

I’m so emotionally drained.  The cat threw up on Saturday but the reason why is unknown to me.  He may have eaten to fast or something.  He hasn’t thrown up again and is seeming to be doing fine.  He is VERY clingy to me now though.  Now, he only eats his dinner IN my lap, nowhere else.  I would feed him all meals in my lap if it would get him to eat and gain weight but I have to work and can’t.  So, only his dinners are in my lap, on the couch.  I will now have to work my evening schedule around lap feeding my cat.  What’s funny is if you knew this cat’s personality, being clingy and cuddly is NOT what this cat is about so the constant “I MUST be sitting right on your lap” attitude he’s adopted is new for me.  I like it, but then realize, it’s just another whiny, clingy living creature I have to contend with.

I also have to give him medications, twice a day.  Antacids, for the upset tummy and Antibiotics for the mouth infection.  Apparently, there is no easy way to give a cat medications through a syringe or dropper.  He fights me every time and sometimes, sprays the medication all over the place and me because he shakes his head.  This morning, I made the mistake of getting fully dressed for work BEFORE giving him his meds.  Let’s just say I had to change just before walking out the door.

The total cost for this whole ordeal, after 3 nights of hospitalization, the initial first visit and the two meds and special food: $916.00  I have no words….

Anyway, the other clingy, whiny creature I contend with is The Boy.  I swear, I love that kid to death but he seriously needs to just grow a pair.  Harsh, I know, but he whines and complains at every little scratch or bump.  He hit his head while playing soccer at school and got a sore in his mouth, where the ball hit him.  Now it’s whining and moaning every time he eats because it stings the sore.  I say suck it up kid!  You want to play ice hockey?  You gotta learn to suck it up!  Are you  bleeding? No.  Anything broken? No. Then suck it up!

I’m mean, I know but hell! I used to play volleyball with dislocated fingers and busted knees!  My coach would say “wrap that up and let’s go!  You’re our best setter!”

The Boy needs to suck it up….

On top of that, I had another riling verbal go at it with my mother and sister after church on Sunday.

My sister…I laugh at her sometimes.  Not because I’m making fun of her but because she is trying to hold onto the last dying hope that our mother will actually stop trying to control our lives and not have “selective amnesia” when it comes to things we say.  I’ve told my mother I do NOT like when The Boy interrupts our adult conversations just so he can get a game on her iPad or to get her to turn her mobile WiFi on.  He knows to NEVER do that with me nor when my sister and I our talking.  Yet, when my mother is there…he turns into a disrespectful little bugger.  It’s because she allows it.

So, apparently, my mother doesn’t remember the 50 times I’ve told her that I will not allow disrespectful interrupting from The Boy, even though my sister backed up pretty much each time I’ve told her, as she has heard me say it to our mother, multiple times.  Nope, I get a “You have NEVER told me that” from my mother.

It’s unbelievable…

Our mother is also pissed we aren’t going to a baby shower of a cousin we never see nor hardly even know.  The only reason this cousin haphazardly invited us, through our mother, is so she can get more gifts.  It’s so blatantly obvious.  Our mother wants us to go and why does she? Well, I would assume it would be to “show us off” per say.  Especially me, who has lost all kinds of weight.  Now, apparently, I look good enough for her to brag about it.  With my mother, it’s all about how we look to others.  So sad really.

So, my sister calls me yesterday evening, after that harrowing conversation we all had saying “why do I need to go somewhere because SHE wants me to”? I simply tell her “Uh…sweetie…you don’t.  You are 30 years old.  You can do whatever the hell you want.  I’ve been telling you this for years now”.  She knows that she needs to let go of trying to please our mother, as I have done many years ago.  She also needs to come to terms that our mother will always hand out the guilt trips when she doesn’t get her way and my sister needs to learn to just push away.  Being close to our mother is something my sister has always reveled in, compared to me, who has always tried to steer clear from getting to attached to her.  But I’ve told her, there is a REASON I keep my distance.  She may just have to learn the hard way.

She’ll soon see the whole picture for what it really is and understand why I deal with our mother as little as possible.

And with all this stress, I didn’t realize that I was ripping my fingers to absolute shreds.  My cuticles, every single one of them, are not now doused in antibiotic ointment and have a bandaid wrapped around them.  It got so bad that I couldn’t feel the tips of my fingers anymore.  I really need to get a hold of this disease.

Hockey and Zombies

What a great combination huh?!?  How about zombies PLAYING hockey!  Don’t we all wish.  But no, this is just two subjects put into one post.

Hockey

Ontario Reign Hockey has begun and they are off to a great start!  Saturday, we had ice seats to the Pre-Season game and it was fun, of course!  Also, during the Chuck a Puck, which is where you buy little foam pucks to throw into the bed of a Toyota Tundra, my puck got in the bed AND was picked to be entered to win the truck!  Of course, that won’t happen until the end of the season in April but still, it was nice to hear my number announced!

They won and it was a good game.

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I got video of a pretty good fight. The Boy gets all pumped up with fights.

Sheesh, so much violence! LOL

Next game is this Saturday.  Also, the venue that houses these games is starting a Soccer league this year so hopefully I can make it to a few of those to!

Zombies (Warning: Spoilers ahead….enter at your own risk)

Season 4 of The Walking Dead has started.  Strange things are afoot in the prison and I have a feeling I will begin to start watching with a pillow around my face

Remember….me = scaredy cat

First, is there an AIRBORNE illness now?!  We see a dying, then soon dead, pig.  We get strange looks from Rick as he thinks.  Then we see a sick, with what seems like the flu, young man in the group.  He just looks like he’s got a flu.  Last scene, he dies after hacking into the water/shower supply.  He drops dead, alone, in the middle of the night, on the shower floors.

Two living things die simultaneously can mean many things.  One, they are getting their vegetables and food from the ground near where Walkers are all dying.  Maybe the Walker fluid is infecting the crops.  Two, there is something airborne going on.  No longer do you need to get bit or just die to turn.  However, this contradicts that everyone is infected and once dead, if not shot or stabbed in the brain, they turn.

Or it could be door number 3, which is what I think it is.  I think that the boy who died, simply, just died.  People do die for random things and this new world doesn’t look like the most sanitary place to be.  He may have just been a sickly boy to start off with, couldn’t handle the fever and died.  Another possibility could be that being that all are infected, it could break down the immune system?  This boy could have been the start of ongoing sickness? And possibly, sickness is a bit stronger in this world.

The main problem was that no one knew he was dead to be able to dispose of him properly.  It was in the middle of the night, and of course, he would change.  It was an unfortunate coincidence that he drops dead, in the middle of the night, with all asleep, in the back showers of their facility.  Meaning, he’s going to get up, and start biting whatever he can.  Of course, this theory could be tossed out by simply pointing out how fast he got sick then dropped dead.  That, may point it right back to something airborne.  However, if he did just get sick and randomly secretly died, they will have to start monitoring when people die.  Or else, they will end up with dead changing and going on a biting rampage before they can get to them.

We shall see!

_2013-10-10T11-30-40_1d649530c8cb443589a26fe2137568bd-c8ad30e62bb9cf223f0f6a706700342cThen there is Creepy Clara in the woods.  I thought for SURE that they were going to introduce some sort of hybrid talking Walker/Human.  This woman was disgustingly gross!  She was growing fungus on her face!

It turns out, she was just insane.  I have a feeling there will be more insane humans randomly walking around that are alive and not dead.  And it was weird for me because, she had the same name as me.

All in all, it’s gonna get ugly fast for those in the Prison.  The Apocalypse Utopia they created in the prison won’t be lasting for long.

It’s finally time!

In a few hours, I finally go to pick up my cat.  I’m nervous as to what the final amount will be that I have to pay them before they will release him to me.  I’m hoping it’s not to much and I told them that if they needed to do more than what was quoted to me, to let me know.  The only extra thing I told them to do was clip his nails.

I just want my cat back.  The visit yesterday was a bit harrowing.  He was not calm and very nervous.  They brought him in actually attached to the IV pole this time.  So, I was nervous having him walking around and wanting to jump off the table, afraid that the IV would rip out of his little leg.  His eyes were still wide and scared looking and this time, he didn’t calm down when I tried to hold him close and kiss his head.  He just wanted to run away.  Of course, he doesn’t understand that we are trying to make him feel better.  He probably thinks he’s being tortured and that kills me.

To add the icing on this miserable cake of mine, I think all this stress as of late is getting to me.  I am feeling sickness coming on.  I was fine as of a few hours ago, then suddenly, my nose itches, my head hurts and my throat feels scratchy.  It came on so quickly that I’m wondering if it’s just allergies, which could very well be the case.  Regardless, I’m going to be sitting on my couch tonight, hugging my cat, watching the Dodgers play against the Cardinals in Game 1.

Go Dodgers!

Weekly Weigh In – Hockey here I come!

That’s right!  It’s Hockey time!

Hockey games are now starting.  For those who didn’t follow my blog earlier this year, I go to A LOT of hockey games.  Not the L.A. Kings or Anaheim Ducks, as much as I would love to be able to go to those, but to an ECHL league housed just minutes from my apartment.  For more on that, read this.

I must say, I’m really excited to be back in those Suite or Ice seats, with all the usual fans around, and let them all see the new me.  I usually only take The Boy and we always have the same seats, either in a Suite box or front row, right next to the ice.  I can assure you, there are more men that sit near the ice than women.  I’m just sayin’….*wink*

We are going to a game tomorrow night, ice seats. Yay!

Two small observations…

1) I can actually CROSS my legs comfortably while sitting at my office desk, something I’ve NEVER been able to do.

2) I had to wear a belt with a pair of black dress pants.  Not only did I have to wear a belt, but I put on a belt that I couldn’t even get around my waist a few months ago, let alone actually buckle it to the second hole.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

2 more lbs down!

Total: 55 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Ok, back in business!  I didn’t exercise much this week due to the Kitty crisis.  However, I also had zero appetite because of my worry and stress over the Kitty crisis.  So, maybe it was a good thing I didn’t exercise because I may have emancipated myself!

However, I am almost out of another number range…..almost there!

He wears the Cone of Shame

IMG_20131009_183651

So, my Baby Kitty is sporting the most infamous Cone of Shame.

The Boy and I rushed down to the hospital to visit with him after I picked him up from school.  When they brought him in the room he had an IV needle in his leg.  Apparently, he had been in the middle of one of his fluid treatments so he had to be unhooked from the bag to be brought to us.  We brought him his mousy toy but he wasn’t interested.  He hated that cone around his head.  I was holding him and talking to him and he kept looking up towards my voice but couldn’t see me because the cone wouldn’t let him move his head.  His eyes were very wide, like he was still unsure as to what the heck was going on.  I just bent down and kissed his head like I normally do when we cuddle on the couch.  He seemed like he wanted to run though.  So, I wasn’t sure if he recognized us at all but I did notice that only when I bent down to kiss his head and whisper at him, was when he would calm down.

The nurse did say that the vomiting has stopped and they are easing him back into it eating.  We will be going back again tonight to visit and should be able to bring him home tomorrow evening (after I pay another $300 *sigh*).

keep-calm-and-smile-don-t-cryI feel like I’ve been walking around the past few days with a HUGE lump in my throat.  Almost, like I could just start crying at any given moment.  Composing this post was hard enough to do without wanting to scream.  I want to cry all the time.  I’m pathetic.

Last night, I finally went to bed around 12:30 and just cried, yet again.  I really need to get a hold of myself.  But I tell myself, at least I’m falling apart in privacy and not at my desk at work, or in front of The Boy or something like that. I’m still functioning fine at work and interact with others without falling apart.  I’m staying strong when The Boy is watching me.  I”m actually proud of how The Boy has handled this.  He is keeping it together nicely and just doesn’t like to see me get emotional.But when I’m alone, after The Boy has long gone to sleep, I become a heap of a blubbering mess.

Sometimes, I really curse my over dramatic emotional character.

I cried…

I’ve had a little bit of time to let this all sink in.  I swing from telling myself this really just sucks to telling myself “Good Lord, woman! Pull yourself together! It’s just a cat!”

Last night, I didn’t finally go to bed until way past midnight, but that has been the normal occurrence with me lately, even before this whole fiasco.  When I finally did go to bed, I opened my bedroom window, as is the habit because that is where he likes to stand, perched on his cat tree and staring out into the night.

I laughed at myself and turned to go to bed.  As I laid down, I patted the mattress. *pat..pat* as is the custom when I’m telling him I’m in bed now and he can jump up with me, but only if he wants.  Most of the time he never does.

Then I cried….I cried and cried.  I cried because I knew I finally could.  The Boy was asleep and wouldn’t see me.  That kid was actually pretty strong when we said goodnight to him last night and left him at the hospital.

But I cried and I thought things like  “that dumb cat…” and “it’s JUST A CAT!”

Maybe he is just a cat, but he is still flesh and blood.  I saw his xrays.  I saw his organs and bones.  That was actually pretty neat.  He has a functioning brain.  However, being flesh and blood means, he gets diseases and apparently kidney disease is pretty common.

Tonight, at 5:00 pm, I will rush out of work to go pick up The Boy then rush to the Hospital and visit with him.  The Boy wanted us to bring his toy mouse, which is sitting in my car right now.  Then it will be goodbye’s again and I repeat that for the next three days.

Photo from vet-pet-health-advice.com

The bright side is that Kidney Disease is treatable and he wasn’t given a death sentence.  He will need to take medications or I will probably have to give him at home fluid therapy, something I will have to learn how to do.  I’m also going to need to put him on a special diet, all of which will be explained to me better when I pick him up but I have done some reading on this and I am kind of aware of what I will have to do to treat him.

The grand total for yesterday, after the physical exam, the blood work, urine tests and after the 60% down for his 3 night hospital stay was about $650 I needed to pay up front.  When I pick him up Friday, I’ll need to pay the other 40%.  Luckily, for me, my step-grandmother would have nothing of it when she heard me telling my mother that I couldn’t do that and was just going to take whatever medications I could afford and bring him back home.  She told my mother to charge it on her Care Credit card and I’ll be paying her back in payments.  She also has an 8 year old orange tabby and is a huge cat lover.  She almost flipped her lid when I said I couldn’t get him hospitalized to get the IV fluids in him to hydrate him again.  Believe me…you do NOT want to have a little old Cuban woman scolding you in Spanish.  It can be very intimidating.  I took her offer.

So, I feel a bit guilty that I possibly couldn’t have afforded to keep him in the hospital to get his IV and that I had to borrow a large chunk of money to get him hospitalized but I’ll be paying her back and they know I’m good for it.  Fitting payments into my budget is a lot better for me than just shelling out almost $1000 for this whole thing, at once.

I wished that I could have a back up credit card or something for things like this.  I can’t afford to keep a savings because I live paycheck to paycheck and no company will even give me a credit card because I have 2 BK’s on my record.  So, I am a bit worried about whether I will be able to keep up with the cost of his medications.

But I’m going to try not to think about that.  I just want these next three days to go by quickly, mostly for The Boy’s sake.

I swear, I am going to be in a horrific state when that cat does die.  My kid held it together better yesterday than I did when we were saying goodbye to him.  I’m such an emotional freak of nature sometimes.

My cat has Kidney Disease

Last night, I had to leave my cat to spend three nights in the hospital.

image

After the exam, xrays and blood work the doctor said that he was dehydrated because of the vomiting. He also has a slight bacterial infection in his mouth.  But more importantly, he also has chronic kidney disease.

He will get IV fluids in him and get antibiotics for the bacteria infection.  The Boy and I will visit him every day after I pick him up from school.  We’ll bring him home Friday with medications and food.

It was hard leaving the hospital without bringing him home, but I had to keep my composure for The Boy’s sake.  It was even harder sitting on my couch and not seeing him walking around anywhere.

I kept my composure until after I put The Boy to bed and got in the shower to wash this cruddy day off.  Then I cried.  I’m going to be a basket case when it’s that cat’s time to really go. And don’t even ask how much it was to have him in the hospital three nights with IV’s in him. Honestly, I didn’t really care about the cost.

So, he will be on medications and on a special diet for the rest of his life.  I also think I may invest in pet insurance, especially if I’m going to be paying for medications on a regular basis.

I’m better now but I know these will be the longest three days of my life.

For the first time in almost 4 years, I’m worried about my furbaby

There is something wrong with him.  It’s been a gradual “something” over the past few months.

First, he was super finicky about his foods and I was bouncing back and forth trying to find what he liked.

Then, he straight out refused dry food of any kind, so I stuck to only wet food.

Then, he began losing weight, or so it seemed, I wasn’t sure.  His back end is super thin around his tailbone and hind legs and his stomach sinks in when he walks (it’s hard to describe).  He still eats but not a whole lot and he eats in sessions, meaning he eats small amounts over time.  That is hard for me because I’m at work during the day so I can’t keep refilling his food on an hourly basis and if the food stays on his plate to long, he refuses it.  This is a new problem.

I’ve also noticed, as of late, when he eats, he has a gag type reflex.  He’ll eat, then kind of open his mouth and heave like something is stuck somewhere and he’s trying to get it out.  Usually, he’s fine after a few seconds.

He also drools, a lot.  I thought that was normal but I was told by my cousins’ husband, who owns three Vet clinics in Orange County, that drooling is not normal and it could mean he’s nauseated.

Then, this morning, he threw up for the first time, ever.  I know he did hack a hairball about a year ago but that was all he’s ever done in the 3/12 years I’ve had him.  I fed him when I got up, like I normally do and he ate.  Then about 3 minutes later, he threw everything he had just ate back up.  I was just about to leave for work when he did this so I left a bit more on his plate just in case he wanted to eat more.

Now, I’m sitting here at work, just sickened with worry and wondering what I need to do.  I have a vet appointment for him on Saturday but now, I’m debating whether I should call the vet and ask if they can see him tonight.

Worse than this, I feel like I did something wrong.  I was bending over backwards to get him food he would eat and now I feel dumb thinking I read somewhere that drooling in cats is normal.  Maybe I read that about dogs?  But I feel riddled with guilt that I didn’t take care of him properly.  Or that I didn’t take him to the vet sooner.

I’m going to make some phone calls in a bit here, I might have to get my parents to take The Boy to hockey practice tonight.

Weekly Weigh In – Size 10’s, no comments and a clean bill of health!

Size 10’s

Well, I broke down and just went and bought size 10 dress pants.  Remember, this post where I was saying the size 12’s were way to droopy on me.  I got the size 10’s.  Now, granted, they are a bit tight in the waist area but I’m sure that won’t last for long.  The size 12’s were the same way and before a month was through, they just didn’t work anymore.

But they are SIZE 10’s!!!  I haven’t been a size 10 since 15 years ago and even then, I don’t think I was a size 10.  Maybe an 11-12. 🙂

People noticing….

I don’t know if it’s some sort of socially unacceptable practice to never notice or comment when someone has lost a very noticeable amount of weight.  I would think saying “wow…you’ve gotten fat” is A LOT worse than saying “wow..you’ve gotten skinny”.  But what do I know?  I’m socially dumb sometimes.

However, I would love it if people actually noticed by commenting.  I mean for all that is GOOD AND HOLY I’VE LOST FRIGGIN 53 POUNDS!  It has GOT to be showing in other peoples’ eyes!  I know I most certainly would not be offended in the least if comments were made.  Of course, the commenter may not know that I wouldn’t be offended, so I understand.

On the flip side, it’s interesting the messages that peoples’ eyes can give out when they notice something very different.  In some cases, such as my co-workers who have see me fat for almost a year, I can see in their eyes that they notice.  I guess that works for me.  And I know that when you see someone every day, as co-workers have, the change is slight compared to not seeing me for months on end and then see the drastic change from 5 months ago to today.

It would be nice if someone said something though.  But I guess I have to rely on the little kids for those kinds of observations.

Clean Bill of Health!

A month ago, I went to the doctor for a normal check up visit.  I actually hadn’t been to the doctor in years.  I was really expecting the worse regarding my ovaries.  Yesterday, I had my follow up appointment for the results of all the blood work, Mammo  and ovary ultrasound.

Apparently, I have a clean bill of health.  The doctor went over all my blood work numbers with me.  Cholesterol and sugar levels are perfect.  The Mammo was normal and my ovaries actual are normal size, not enlarged.  So it baffled me why I was in so much pain last week but I think some months the ovaries work more than other months.

I thought back and realized, never, in all my doctor visits, have I EVER had pretty much nothing wrong with me.  Either my ovaries were enlarged, or my blood work came back with possible Lupus or high cholesterol.

Considering that history, I can ONLY assume that the weight loss is the prime result of good numbers.  I mean, this is the most weight I’ve lost ever and for the longest amount of time.  What other assumption can I make?  The doctor was even a bit taken aback because I was in perfect health.

It’s bizarre really, because I’ve always been a sickly person, always in and out of the hospital for something.  Who’d a thought, fat was the culprit.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

0 more lbs down

Total: 53 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

For the first time, in exactly 5 months, today, I have lost nothing on my Weekly Weigh In.  In fact, I think the nurse recorded that I gained a pound simply because the scale kept jumping up one pound, down one pound and I think she just glanced at the scale when it was up one pound.  In reality, I gained like 3 ounces which probably wouldn’t have shown up had I peed before I weighed in.

I will admit, I am feeling disappointment at no loss, but after reading what I posted above, it’s all good.  I would still like to know what happened this week.  I don’t recall doing anything differently and have worked out 4 times this past week (Sunday-Thursday, except Tuesday).

But hey! A clean bill of health makes up for the disappointment.

I know this is getting long but I also have an interesting photo of me….

My mother found this photo in her iPad about a week ago.  When she showed it to me, the first thing I yelled out (yes I YELLED it out) was “NEVER AGAIN!”  And being that we were in a Japanese Restaurant at the time, I got looks.

This photo was taken in April of this year, 2013.  It was in front of my church and it was with my kid, sister, father and aunt (who I’ve cut out but were all to the right of me in the photo).

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245 lbs

Each time I look at it I want to yell out over and over “NEVER AGAIN!!!”  and believe me folks…I look NOTHING and I mean NOTHING like that photo.

My face, there are no more multiple chins and I wear makeup now.

My stomach doesn’t look like I’m 8 months pregnant.

Those jeans…I think those jeans were given to Goodwill about 2 months ago.  Those were the jeans that fell off me once and got me to start stocking up on the smaller sizes just for motivation.  Sizes that I have since worn and some sizes I have since also given to Goodwill or traded in for smaller (see Size 10 comments above).  The top I’m wearing in that photo is long gone to.  It was purchased at a store called Torrid, for plus sizes.  The thing started hanging on me so much that I could practically wear it as a dress.  I gave that to the Goodwill as well, along with all the other 2X tops I had.

Screw the woman in that picture.  That woman looks tired, haggard and way older than she really is.  That woman was sad and depressed and on her way to diabetes and heart failure.

Lord Almighty I don’t even know WHO that woman is!  But I can assure you that I never want to see her again!

“Man, she got SKINNY!”

It’s been a long time but here is yet another Tarantino’d posts……..

“Man, she got skinny!!!”

Why did The Boy tell me the above….

Let’s go back…..Let’s go back….

I had completely forgotten to blog this experience.  It was one of the highlights of my weight loss journey and it comes from a small child.  The children are so innocent….yet VERY honest and that is what makes them brilliant!

A few Friday’s ago, I had picked up The Boy early from after school care.  I pulled into the parking lot and being that it was early, no cars were there.  They were on the field and he saw me pull up.  I got out, waved at him and got right back in the car to await his arrival.

Upon entering the car he told me his classmate asked him if that was his mother, waving at him from the parking lot.  He said yes and then his classmate said to him “Man, she got SKINNY!”

Kids are truly straight forward, blunt and honest humans.

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I have to be honest with myself

I have had the weekend to think over this situation and to make my final analysis of it.  I’ve given the scenario to persons that are both personally biased (my mother and sister) and personally un-biased (my co-worker and my sister’s friend) and all of them have come to the same conclusion.

WTF!

While I sat in Church on Sunday I realized, once again, that everything being said, all the points being made, were relating to me or so I wanted them to be.  It was based on Titus and what Christians should do while waiting for Jesus to return.  The main points were that we should continue to bring as many as we can to Christ THROUGH our works and the way we live our lives.  And by that, I do not mean Bible Beating…if anyone has read my blog enough they will know that, yes, I am a Christian and believe in God, yes I am also human and will get mad at God sometimes only to realize that it was I who needed to change my perspective, but most certainly, NO I will not bible beat you with my beliefs to get you to understand.

This made me think. “The way we live our lives”.  I know after my long history with religion (Not GOD, but RELIGION. Remember God and religion are NOT one and the same), I’ve come to be VERY intolerant of those who say “I go to church and I am a Christian” yet live such questionable lives.

It’s a very slippery slope for my own walk.  I most certainly do not want to come off judgmental because Lord knows I’m no Angel myself.  I also don’t want to come off that I think I’m a better “Christian” than any other Christian.  Yet, the Bible tells us to act as disciples of Christ IN OUR DAILY LIFE (2 Peter 1:5) and I know I try to do that by resisting temptation and such but when someone says “I go to church” and then thinks it’s ok to be in a committed relationship yet have women on the side, whether to “play” with or just be friends with, I want to rescue them.

However, I have chosen to run from it.  Our light shines through OUR ACTIONS.  I hope that my action of stating to him I do not condone that behavior nor do I want to have my impressionable son think that it is ok to behave that way or that I condone that behavior by remaining his friend.  I would like to show this man the error of his ways in proclaiming he is a Christian yet not living as we are told in the Bible to live, as Christians. (Again, not wanting to be judgmental as I struggle daily with being human and making mistakes).

My decision was not to confront him but to let that action speak for itself and it’s in God’s hands now.

I had hoped that my action of being the first female to not accept being a “friend” to someone who is in a committed relationship, shines as a light and not as a Bitch.  He did ignore me completely this morning and that is actually totally fine as I was going to cut off interactions with him.  However, I had hoped that maybe he would have said “Wow, no woman I’ve run into has ever made the move she did…I wonder what she is about and what makes her think like that”.  I say that not because I want to BE in a relationship with him because regardless, I never could.  I would just want him to see maybe why he may be having so much trouble in his current life with his kids’ mother, and with the school calling CPS on him and the problems that his daughter has.  The correlation between his current life struggles and his current life choices are astounding when you step back and look at it.

Doesn’t respect his committed relationship—> Gets CPS called on him by teachers from the school

Just “warming” a seat in a church —> Problems with kids and ex-wife (both mentally and emotionally)

Now, this thinking does not EVER imply that I don’t have my share of problems due to whatever reason, but I have found that when I keep myself on the right path and resist temptation, suddenly, money is in my bank account or my kid gets a good grade on a test in school.

However, when I start to give in to temptation and stray, suddenly my account goes into the minus and my kid falters in his schoolwork. These are just examples.

Another amazing personal example is my weight loss.  I have been on the yo-yo since I can remember but this is the FIRST time I’ve actually been able to lose weight, on my own (no Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers) and have not gained it ALL back yet.  Usually by this time in the weight loss game (I’m at 5 months on October 4th), I would have given up and gained it all back plus more.  Not only is that NOT happening but the weight keeps coming off.  Why is that? Because I decided that it wasn’t for looks or to catch the eye of someone (although that does come with the territory).  It was mainly because my body is a Temple and in ALL the walks in our life we should respect God.  That includes food and drink and what we put into our bodies.  I’m sure gluttony was not a favorite thing for God to see me doing.

I also quit smoking to, even if I did only smoke occassionally.

So what is it that I have to be honest with myself about, as the title suggests?  After all, I am a Sagittarius and as such, I must remain honest.  Ha!

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Well, that is simply this:

I really don’t think a relationship is just in the cards for me at this time or even in the near future.  I just can’t stomach putting The Boy through a possible unsuccessful relationship after he may have developed his own relationship with the man.

I also can’t stomach the possible dangers I put The Boy in by not knowing a person and not knowing what he’s like.  I had been interacting with this last person on and off, daily through random “hello’s” and “how are you’s” at the kids’ school and such since the summer time.  Yet, he was as deceitful as ever.

A Facebook friend (also a male), when I posted this story on my FB, asked me not to judge all men based on a couple of assholes and I responded that I won’t.

However, I am just kidding myself with that response.  As much as I really REALLY don’t want to, by default, I will.  Maybe I won’t JUDGE, in the sense of the word, but I will damn sure be very caution of any male that comes along and that may result in me pushing them all away for any little reason.  I’m just being honest with myself.

thCANKBF1KOf course, I am a bit shaded after all this.  After 10 YEARS of no dating or being in a relationship, since my divorce,  I step out of my box and this happens.  I let one wall down and after all this, 5 more walls came right up in its place and that is probably how it’s going to be for the next 10 years.  I can’t put not only my heart at risk, but my kids’ to.

So, my conclusion is that I will not be pursuing men anymore.  My lack of trust in them is way to deep right now.  Yet, my lack of trust for humans in general is the main culprit.  I’m just going to concentrate on getting my kid to adulthood and continuing to get myself into better health.

That is it and that is all.