Do I even exist?

I’m finding it hard to get anybody to pay attention to me lately? I feel like that photo in Back to the Future where Marty’s siblings are disappearing slowly.  That is me. I’m slowly just not existing.

a7e2fa1bb55782a4a0fd7af2a0b807a7

I can’t get any affection out of my kid anymore since he’s an oh so big teen now……yeah.

I haven’t felt the love of a man since….well I could say since my marriage ended in 2004 but that man didn’t really love me so technically, never. I’ve never felt love returned to me.

Just the other day, I told a co-worker, after she suggested to me I take “friends” up to a place here, that I didn’t have any friends.  I swear, the look she gave me was both terrified and amused.  “How could one not have one single friend“, I’m sure is what she thought in her mind.  Well, come shake my hand, that would be me. My mother sucks up all the energy I have and it’s enough that I try and go on outtings with my son, without including her and have to hear the “whoa is me, I can’t do anything becuase I can’t take your father anywhere”. It’s enough my own son takes me “away” from her…I can’t imagine what grief she’d give me if a lesser important person did such.  So, I just accept not having one friend.

Days meld into each other as I see my son growing and moving farther from me.  The inevitable is soon upon me….

I will soon be non-existent to anyone except the cats when I become the Cat Lady.

LejVRETq7Gcx

You are beautiful

No, maybe you are not.

Maybe there is just something so ugly about you that everyone around you is enjoying the company of others while you drown alone in a sea of black.

I was just told by my boss, who is going through a nasty divorce anhump-day-inspiration-100813-04d who is not even a year separated, has a girlfriend. He volunteered this information to me as it really isn’t my direct business but he’s a sharer.  This is a man 8 years older than me and just fresh from a divorce.

Apparently, I’m an Elephant Beast.

I left my job for the day in tears off to a weekend of loneliness.  It’s been 15 years almost to the day since my divorce and I haven’t even had so much as a glance from anyone of the opposite sex.  Just random hook ups which is not the same.  Even when I lost 70 lbs….I was nothing to anyone.

So why the title?

Well, it’s simple. That phrase is something I have never, nor will ever hear anyone tell me in my entire life.

Because I’m not as the title suggest. I’m just….The Nothing.

Early morning in Idaho

Something woke me up at 5am, an un-Godly hour for me. I laid in bed staring at the wall for 30 minutes then decided on coffee.

As I was making it desired coffee, I realized this was my first early Idaho morning. I sat on the balcony in 50 degrees and my senses were telling me that this was a different morning cold that California.  The air is fresh, clean.  The sky is otherworldly.  It’s still dark but the it is a radiant navy blue to my right and turning lavender as the sun rises to my left. And I’m thinking this is why I’m alive.

And even as I finish this post, the sky grows a lighter purple, the stars disappear and my heart gets heavy again, realizing I’m sharing this with no one.

God did not intend humans to be alone but apparently He intended that for me.

To watch someone fight his love for me….

fighting20with20love20-20small20logoIt is exactly as it says.  I can literally see him struggle with the fact that he is fully in love with me in his heart and mind, yet denies it on the outside.  He is cold, distant, throws my girly emotional “I miss you’s” back in my face.

But there are little things he does, things he says. Actions that tell me, in his heart he feels he must stay in touch

But the last I spoke to him was  5 days ago, when his cold reactions to my love was the last straw.  I understand on the outside, someone may think this looks like I’m seeing something that isn’t there but really, that isn’t the case.  Something in my heart….in my soul tells me he fights his love for me.  He is battling his own World War 3 in his own heart and soul.

Ultimately, it makes me sad.  If he would just give into what he feels for me, we could actually, possibly throw away our horrible past and create a new future.  We could be parents to our son.  We could love each other as a family.

But he won’t, or maybe he can’t , or maybe he just doesn’t want to.  Whatever the case, I’m tired of being tossed around by his emotional resistance and 5 days ago I said just this….

“You have broken my heart for the last fucking time, you asshole….”

And I was done.

And Life Goes On…and On…and SQUIRREL!

Yup…Squirrel.

It has been a year since my visit to Painville. I still have horrible memories and even nightmares of the pain.  I have heard of people with chronic pain of some kind but I do not think that I am one of those poeple who can do chronic pain without losing my mind completely.

Then, of course there was the Glitch in the weight loss Matrix.  Apparently, eating and what I put in my mouth at any given moment will be a constant trial for me. I have to become borderline obsessed with eating for every waking minute, hour and day of my life. I realized that I will live the rest of my life in an up and down rollercoaster regarding my weight.  As of now, I’m in a slight valley with weight. But I was riding high on a mountain a few weeks ago and I’ll get it back.  Since I can’t do strenous exercise anymore due to my back, I am stuck with only power walking as cardio exercise.  I carry weights during my walking but that is all..I’m afraid to do to much because of my weight.  Hence,  I need to eat practically nothing to balance out my slow metabolism with the fact Im not doing strenuous cardio.  I will always hate it.

There is, of course, so much more to write.  But I’m actually really lazy and have to think my words out very carefully so as not to sound to bitter, harsh or just plain bitchy about many aspects of my life and the people in them.

So more to come.

 

 

 

We are only here for a short time….

That is what I keep telling myself…’This is temporary…This is temporary”

It may seem that I left this blog by the wayside and perhaps I have.

In the weight department, I have been at a steady and maintained weight loss of 75lbs. Sometimes it goes up…then I bring it right back down. I am now conscious of when I start to gain a pound or two and make sure that it comes back down. As of right now…I’m up a bit but I will bring it right back down. I have been keeping exercise as a regular part of my routine at 3-4 times a week, 30 minutes on the elliptical or bike and weight lifting. I am pretty much carb free but sneak the occasional dinner roll or fry here and there. But 98% of my food choices do not include carbs in any form. I am going to finish up my last two weeks at the medical clinic and then I’m going to switch to another facility which is just around the corner from my office building and I can visit for my vitamin injections during my lunch hour.  I want to start fresh at a new place, from my current weight.  I still have about 30 pounds to lose although I may try and go as far as losing another 50 lbs bringing me down to about 120 lbs at 5 feet 4 inches height.  I started this journey May 4, 2013 and will never look back.  After a year, I will start fresh and these will be my new goals:

Height:  5 ft, 4 in
Current Weight:  178 lb  (give or take)
Healthy weight range:  117-146 lb
Current BMI:  31
Healthy BMI range:  20-25

MjAxMy1lYjAyZjhlYThkZWIyNGUwWork has not been so good.  I am currently dealing with a boss who yells, argues and screams at me, on the phone, or to anyone he’s talking to.  I’ve documented it with H.R. and that is all I can really do.  He also burps all the time, farts in front of me (his office constantly smells like butt) and I literally have to leave the area when he eats lunch because he’s SO loud with his chomping and slurping that it makes me physically ill.  I made the mistake once of walking into his office while he was eating lunch and let me just say, the spaghetti sauce was ALL over his mouth….all…over.  And by the way, this is a 58 year old man.  He is disgusting.  My solution, since I need a paycheck and can’t quit, is to completely shut down any interaction with him.  Basically, I avoid him at all costs.  Communication is mostly through emails.  It’s working out, for the most part.

But the worst was about 1 ½ months ago, when somehow, an un-authorized person snuck into the buildings and stole 3 wallets straight from purses sitting on cubicles.  My wallet was one of them.  I’m very disappointed in how my employer handled the situation.  But I have to put up with all of this because eating is not an option.  I will say it really takes its toll on me.  The stress is beginning to affect my stomach.  I’m pretty sure I have IBS but I need to go to my Dr. to get him to diagnose me but from what I’ve read, I’m sure that’s it.  On my own, I’m starting probiotics and cutting back on the coffee…(*sorta* teehee).  But my appetite and eating is pretty much null and void.  I have no desire for food as I used to over a year ago.  But that’s fine with me.

Screenshot_2014-08-01-12-02-36

My farm….

I have become mildly obsessed with Farmville 2: Country Escape.  Yes, yes I have. I’m farming and harvesting and creating yummy foods such as cakes, pies and fish that sometimes just playing the game brings my appetite back! It’s funny.  Anyway, look up cpamorain@gmail.com on Google Games and that would be me. It should be listed as one of my games that I’m getting achievements from.

Rejection-Investors-Startup--790x391I have officially given up on finding someone, a companion to walk with me and beside me for the rest of my life.  After putting myself out there for a bit…the rejection, even after becoming physically attractive (or so I thought the weight loss would help) is unbearable.  I was never one to react positively from rejection.Plain Jane

I’ve had a series of revelations. There was a time that I firmly believed that my over weight issue was what kept me unattractive and plain.  I have since come to find out, it was never the weight.  I will admit to being a “Plain Jane” and nothing that turns heads.  Hell, I’ll be lucky if I can get another human being to even acknowledge that I exist.  Beyond that, there is something about my personality that makes others turn away.  I am not all alone for no reason.  I should wear a sign that says “does not play well with others”.  The weight is gone and still, I’m a nobody.

I barely exist to anyone.  My son just sees me as a bank to make sure he has what he needs and a disciplinary who stops him from having “fun”.  Although I firmly believe that I am the coolest mom on the planet.   Just recently, he started becoming interested in Superman comics and we found a great Comic Book store near our apartment that I take him to (when he acts good) and I get him comics to his hearts desire.  Now tell me, how many mothers will get down on their hands and knees digging through boxes of back issues of Superman comics in a local comic book store, to find the right Superman comic for their 10 year old son.  We are not many, us cool moms.  I love it though.  I’ve always been a geek at heart.

Mario KartI also visited just about every McDonald’s in the area JUST to get The Boy his last Mario Kart toys from there.  They were the Happy Meal toys and he was only  missing three.  I found two out of the three he was missing.  I couldn’t find Donkey Kong.Beanie Babys

I will admit…I did get some of the Beanie Babies (the “Girl” toy) for myself…they were so cute!

But this all proves this theory: That kid…is my entire reason for existing…my entire…..reason.

My parents barely know I exist beyond giving them their most precious grandchild. I’m just waiting for my father’s impending progression of Alzheimer’s to finally kick in and he won’t know who I am, at all.  Until then, he just can’t talk.  But both my parents pretty much ignore me more now than they ever did.   My younger sister….*sigh*…her and I are just not on the same page about morals and standards in life and are having serious personality conflicts.  It really does break my heart but she is the most stubborn and unforgiving person I know.  She also needs to think before she speaks just as a common human courtesy.  I also think she resents me for my weight loss but that is just speculation.  She is going down the path of physical self sabotage and gaining SO much weight and I worry for her health.  She is pre-diabetic, has thyroid issues and back problems.  She really needs to lose about 100 lbs, for health reason alone!   I know that she holds some resentment towards me just by being in the same room with her because we’ve both been fat our whole lives.  This journey is a lifetime change and she is all about the “3-day cleanse” diets.  That doesn’t work for us.  It’s a lifetime thing.  My older sister, well I never had a real relationship with her as we didn’t grow up together.  I have no friends and barely know a handful of relatives.

liar_liar_pants_on_fireI tried the dating thing and it just didn’t work. There was always someone better than me or, as I’ve come to realize, most men, especially the so called “Christian” ones, are all liars.  The amount of liars and hypocrites I’ve run into in the approximately 8 months I’ve tried dating is outstanding and absolutely incredible.  Guys that say “I’m looking for a Christian woman, with standards and values……” then turn around and want to jump in the sack…uh…no….?  Or you get the ones who really like that I’m a sports fanatic and would rather go to a good baseball or hockey event than shop for shoes, then drop me like I have leprosy to pursue someone who, surprise…..surprise, is eye candy for them to hang off their arm.  Pathetic…. Men, are a lost cause, especially at this age.  I’m done with them and their lies, arrogance and hypocrisy.

And after that evaluation, I really will be brutally honest and admit that for me, death cannot come fast enough.

Now let me explain that statement.

The Bible tells us that Christians will be with Jesus the instant they die.

In 2 Corinthians 5:8 the Apostle Paul even longed for death because he knew it would take him into the presence of Jesus.  He said,  “We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord. “

In Luke 23:43 Jesus tells the thief dying on the cross, “Verily I say unto thee, Today shalt thou be with Me in Paradise.”

I just want to be with Jesus, where there is no pain, physical or mental or emotional.  This life is temporary and full of heartache and sorrow and sometimes, it’s a bit to much.  But I do not condone murder, so when I say that, I mean that getting older only carries for me regret that I didn’t live my younger years with more wisdom.  I sometimes feel I have nothing to teach my son yet, on the flip side, I have everything to teach him because of my mistakes that I learned from.  I know that he alone, is the only reason I exist on this planet.  Well him and the fear of the eternal consequences of murder (because, yes, suicide is murder and God gave us each our paths for a reason).

So please, no comments like “you need to seek counseling blah blah blah”.  I’m not going to off myself.  I just can’t wait to be in a happier place when this life walk is over.  The end of this physical life in this physical skin will be such a welcome to me.

thCAAVBAA6

I used to blame God for my loneliness and be petrified of dying, but I can’t feel that way anymore.  It was I who made my choices. The only “blame” that can go towards God is that He gave humans the ability to choose right from wrong.  He only shows us the paths and we must choose to walk the proper one.  I did not  with the choices I made, out of rebellion and spite and now I suffer the consequences by dealing with loneliness and the harsh reality that for however many more years I have on this planet, they will be utterly and totally, alone.

So, in essence, since my last posts in here of our wonderful day trip to Hearst Castle to my constant battle with loneliness, it hasn’t gotten much better.  There are good days and bad days.  There are days when my family really get on my last nerve and I’m done with them.  But for the most part, I spend most of my time with The Boy and just prepare myself for the day when he will jump on the bandwagon, and also reject me somewhere down the line.  Then I will be utterly and truly alone and my battle between living and being patience for God’s time for Him to call me to His Kingdom, will truly begin.

Or, it might not end up that way because I have also learned that I am not the one making the path.  I just follow what is right and how believe.  I will enjoy my son and teach him the best I can.  He starts school a week from Monday and will be entering the 5th grade.  I’m taking him to a Dodger game on Sunday as a “End of the Summer” last fun thing to do and a night at a fun restaurant in Pasadena where you throw your peanut shells on the floor.  I’ve already been to two Dodger games this summer, one with my sister and my kid and one with my sister, kid, and my parents and I think I just want to be with my kid now.  Sometimes, they are all to much for me to handle and my patience is pushed to it’s limits.

But I constantly do question one thing about my faith.  If Jesus died for us and forgave us, why do the sins of our past hurt us in our present?  I guess I should talk to a pastor about that but I try to figure things out on my own.

Has there ever been a time you were truly happy?

Happy_Cat614_answer_2_xlarge

My mother presented this question to me last night during a phone conversation and it actually got me to thinking about how I could truly and honestly answer that question.

I’m half way through my life and at this point I can honestly say, after taking some time to lay in bed and think about it, that I have never, ever been genuinely happy, ever.

Now, there were times I was content and maybe even close to happy.  However, looking back on those times, I realized the happiness was coming from a time in my life that was not true reality, more like a House of Cards that eventually all came crumbling down.  It was not real.

The one time I remember actually being content enough to borderline true happiness was the last three months I was pregnant, back in early 2004.  Weird, I know, to think the third trimester of a very LARGE pregnancy would make any women feel happy, but I was.  I had been taken off work by my doctor, due to a painful gallstone which eventually prompted the removal of my whole gallbladder years later.  During that time, I just watched my food intake and was able to keep the pain under control.

image

My Abyssinian/Siamese mix I had back in 2004

image

My Abyssinian baby boy back in 2004

Those days in the first three months of 2004 were peaceful, calm and quite serene.  I would get up, not rushed, not fatigued and cuddle with my cats, then maybe go eat something and walk around the mall a bit, or just sit at home and play a video game. I felt no urgency to be somewhere, no worry about paying bills.  Money was actually flowing in pretty good at that time because I was getting a disability check from my employer, using PTO time for being off work (so I was still getting a paycheck) and getting $1400 a month from AFLAC for disability.  So I was basically getting a paycheck and then some.  I was truly content and seemingly without a care in the world.

Thinking about it now, as I mentioned before, I was in a dream world, a world that wasn’t truly reality.  I remember reality hitting VERY hard after the baby was born.  The reality of a divorce, suddenly becoming a single mother and dealing with being a mother while living under my own mother’s roof (cliff notes version, a mother can’t be a mother while still living in their own mother’s house…impossible).

But to answer that initial question, have I ever been truly happy, the answer would be universally NO.  I’m constantly in a state of agitation and worry.  I’m constantly feeling pain of some sort, whether in my heart, through my emotions or actual physical pain.  Thankfully the latter is much less since my 67 lb weight loss however, the 67 lb weight loss just adds to the psychological obsession that I have to make sure I never gain the weight back again.  It also means the other forms of pain are only emphasized.

I know it is all me. I know we all create our own paths and our own happiness and I’m not saying that I have moments, and by moments, I mean literally, just seconds, of content-ness.  (yeah, I made that word up, deal)

For instance, each evening, when I’m done with cooking dinner, doing my workout, cleaning up the apartment a bit, making sure The Boy is bathed and teeth brushed, telling The Boy to bath and brush his teeth 5-10 times in a row, getting The Boy to bed, making sure I’M bathed and I’m actually sitting down on the couch with my tablet and my cat, ready to crumble into a short state of vegetation because I realize I have to go to bed to start the routine all over again, sometimes, in that short state of vegetation, I will have a moment of content.  The cat helps.  Pets are truly therapy.IMG_20131210_222227

I have never really strived to reach pure happiness because I really don’t think it exists.  I know some say being a parent brings happiness and I won’t deny that it does, sometimes, but sometimes, for me, the most being a parent and being a single parent has brought me is the realization that my sanity can be pushed just a little more each day to the brink of utter and massive detonation.

starsToday, I did reach 30 stars on my Starbucks Rewards Program.  Now, I’m officially a Starbucks Gold Member (as long as I keep purchasing Starbucks for the next 12 months and keep the stars coming).  In a way, that granted me a bit of joy.  I do enjoy my Starbucks Pike Blend (never the frothy foo-foo coffee drinks…just straight Pike for me!)

fav-broccoli-cheddar-soup-doublewide_desktopHappiness is different for each individual person.  I, personally, thought losing the most weight I’ve ever lost in my life and being able to actually see my ribs would make me happy.  SURPRISE SURPRISE!  I’m still miserable.  But hey, at least my feet don’t hurt any more and I can squeeze into size 8 skinny jeans!  But in return, I never get to enjoy a Bread Bowl filled with Broccoli and Cheese soup from Panera Bread, ever…ever again.

So, I wonder, if you sit and think about the initial question, “Have you ever been TRULY happy?”, first be honest with the part of the question that says “TRULY”.  Then try and tell me you’ve been there.  You’ll see things different when the rose-colored glasses are removed and you notice that everything is shit brown.

Blegh.

A Valentine for the Un-lovable

singles-awareness-day

That would be me.  Un- lovable.

Yet another of these stupid days rolls in and I have to endure the heart cards, the heart shaped boxes of little chocolates, red and pink M&M’s and my Facebook feed of gooey and gushy “I love my husband/wife/dog”.  (Oh BTW certain Facebook friend, you probably should stop loving that spouse of yours.  They are cheating on you).

I know there are more of you out there who endure this day as I do and just want it to go away.  I am un-lovable.

By my definition and according to my circumstances, I am a person who has NEVER been loved.  I do not mean by relatives like a mother, father, sibling,  etc.  To love a relative is a forced loved, meaning, you don’t choose to.  Well, I know sometimes you DO choose to end loving a relative because they are a horrible douchbag but you get my meaning.

I have never been loved by someone who wasn’t blood to me.  I have never known the love of a man or even a friend.  Well, at this point in my life only one friend but God thought it a great joke to have her be removed from my life 8 years ago because of cancer.

eeyore-rain-cloudAh, I love my Eeyore Status with God.  I’m always under that rain cloud of drudgery with Him.

For those who know me a little, you might be asking yourself “Wait, wasn’t she married?”

Yes, I was.  But he neither loved me nor even liked me so why he married me is beyond me.  You think it would have been for money or an arranged marriage (no I wasn’t pregnant when we married) but no.  I just think it was just another sick joke to push me closer to ending it all.

I will not keep rambling my sorrows about this stupid day any longer.  I just hope that those who wallow in the sea of “oh I love you dear hubby forever and ever” and “I’m going to Jared to get my wonderful wife a diamond in her favorite color”, realize that it isn’t all candy and brightly colored and expensive jewels for some.

For some it is just another day to remind a person that is mid way through their life, that they are utterly alone in their existence on this earth.

That they are not, and probably never will be, loved.

It’s been a long time…..

It’s been a long time…with a lot going on.

On the weight front, I have not returned to the clinic nor am I taking the appetite suppressants at the present.  It has been tough to not eat anything and everything all the time.  I haven’t gained anything as I’m still exercising 4-5 times a week including weight lifting (my arms are getting muscles and the bat wings are disappearing) but I can see it creeping back over time if I don’t watch what I’m putting into my mouth.  I’ve consumed more chocolate and Almond Roca than I care to admit.  I will be returning to the clinic this Friday to sign up for another 10 weeks as I still need to get down another 40 pounds.  I need to get started on the medications again and get my vitamin shots.  But I am at a total of 60 pounds lost.  I am really going to have to get in the proper disciplined mind set for the upcoming food frenzied holidays.

Family drama is at its best, as usual.  What I have come to find is that if outside elements such as certain horrible skeletons in the closet and the sister’s of my mother, would not stick their claws into my mother’s, my sister’s and my life, we would actually be fine.  I’m just plain sick of it all.  However, my mother and I still disagree on a lot and we have nasty blow outs (this last Saturday being one which ended in her mocking my lonely depression pain by playing a “violin” and saying “whoa is me” and me tell her “fuck you”….yeah…it was ugly) BUT we always return to each other and unspoken apologies are…well…unspoken and I’ll accept an unspoken apology as opposed to no apology.

20131110_003758

Snickers

My cat is doing MUCH better.  He is my little Fuzzy Face and I love him SOOO much that it weirds me out how much I do!  He’s a brat though.  I got my Xmas tree up this past weekend and he was all over it playing with the ornaments but so far, nothing broken and he has since lost interest.

20131116_090931

My Christmas Tree

Speaking of getting my Xmas decorations, they are up.  I mean, sheesh, a local station is already playing Xmas music as I type this so what is wrong with getting my decorations up even before Thanksgiving.  I needed the holiday cheering up anyway and Xmas lights and Xmas songs will cheer me up every time.

I am still as lonely as ever.  I have, once again, come to the conclusions that I will never find a man to love me because of the horrific combination that I don’t trust men and that most are liars and cheats.  I know that sounds so cliché but I call it like I see it.  However, I’m taking the steps to get out of the overall lonely mode in general.  I’ve made friends with the parents of The Boy’s best bud in school.  I took both boys to the Ontario Fury Soccer game yesterday and it was fantastic!  The Boy is also going to be spending a day of Thanksgiving break with his friend so I get a night off.  It’s also nice to see a good, hard working family is a part of my kid’s life.

I am no longer going to Montana to visit my sister for Xmas.  The expense was going to be much but most of all, I couldn’t take a 3 days road trip with my mother and sister.  I know I would lose my mind and I know they would to, having to deal with me and my grumpy attitude sometimes.  Also, my car is not up to par.  I just had a quote of almost $1000 of work that needs to be done.  I had planned on going to San Francisco to the Walt Disney Museum over the Thanksgiving weekend but I had to fix my car and I couldn’t afford a rental.  So those repairs need to get done.

So, I’m taking that money I was going to spend and after sending out my niece and nephew their presents and getting all my other Christmas gifts (mostly gift cards), I’m getting a 3 day multi—pass to Disneyland and getting a hotel room nearby and spending the weekend after Xmas there.  I miss my Annual Pass tremendously (although I have a plan in the works on getting those back again) so I want to spend some time at my “Happy Place” and rejuvenate my smile again.

Other than that…I’m still here trekking along.

The Nothing….is winning

This will not be a fun happy post.  This will not recap all the wonderful things happening to me lately.  In fact, I would like to cover how my brain is slowly being taken over by The Nothing.

mx_040KeanuReevesFor those who have seen The Matrix, there is a scene, in the first film of that Trilogy, where Neo is hooked up and they are pulling him out of the Matrix and he begins to hallucinate that he is being covered with some sort of silver, metallic goo which slowly starts to cover his whole body

This is a perfect example of how The Nothing is slowly covering my soul.  I try to stay strong, be with God and believe He has a plan for me and my loneliness.  For the most part, I do believe He has a plan.  That plan is for me to be alone, to not have one friend (yes, I have not one single solitary friend) and He also plans for me to never find love.

On a daily basis, I do not enjoy this plan.  In fact, I give this plan the bird, because, even if I made mistakes in my past, I certainly am not deserving of this pain now.

So, let’s discuss pain.  I have found that heart ache, emotional and mental pain is so much worse than any physical pain I could ever feel.

I will now admit something which prompted me to make this blog private

On a daily basis, I have to stay away from sharp objects and garages where a car is left running and I’m sure you ALL understand what I mean.  Some days, I feel like any physical pain is better than this emotional torment that drags me the 7th level of hell.  On a daily basis, I want to just not exist anymore.

But then where would that leave my child?  The Boy who relies on me not being a bitch of a yelling mother to him.  It is enough that he has to occasionally deal with my outburst of mental instability.  Even though those occurrence are VERY few, they do happen.  Just last week, I lost it with him because I had told him, for the 5th time, to make his bed.  Where did I find him? In front of that damned TV.  I lost it.  The result was broken Chima Lego sets and everything on the floor and me yelling “Clean it UP!” before I stormed out of his room and slamming the door.

I did return to apologize, help him and explain WHY I had reached that point.  I’m done hearing myself nag.  However, I still felt he needed an explanation and an apology, something I never received in the almost daily occurrence of my own mother’s bipolar mental outbreaks (but now I understand why as she had 3 kids to deal with and one was not even hers) which usually included a lot more than just broken toys on the floor.  I’d be lucky if I walked away from those without a knot in my head or a bloody nose.  Of course, I had a mouth on me and that didn’t help.  But I digress…

I find it hard, lately, to find any hope in anything, to find any happiness in anything.  I have lost my smile, my laugh and I surely miss them.

I simply exist.  I go to work, pay my bills, feed my child, feed my cat and that is all.  I no longer eat (I do not exaggerate, I would say I get about 900 calories a day simply because food offers no joy anymore, neither in taste or anything) and wouldn’t have any food in the fridge if it weren’t for feeding a constantly hungry boychild.  I don’t sleep anymore, surviving on about 3-4 hours a night.

I’m tired of seeing the wicked of this world win…seeing people in relationships and using and/or abusing their significant others while I live a life of lonliness.  A life completely void of any human touch or affection.

It is this void that feeds The Nothing.  That void, which should be filled with love of another, is just a void and The Nothing ravishes this void with vigor.  It consumes me and makes me feel soul-less.

It will probably pass.  I will continue to go to work, feed my kid, do my exercise, pet my cat but I am a shell of a person just robotically swaying through the motions.

Inside, there just feels like nothing…

But hey, I did get a $25 AMC card for dressing up at work on Halloween. I get to see Thor this weekend…that is IF The Boy doesn’t complain because he doesn’t want to see it.

I have to be honest with myself

I have had the weekend to think over this situation and to make my final analysis of it.  I’ve given the scenario to persons that are both personally biased (my mother and sister) and personally un-biased (my co-worker and my sister’s friend) and all of them have come to the same conclusion.

WTF!

While I sat in Church on Sunday I realized, once again, that everything being said, all the points being made, were relating to me or so I wanted them to be.  It was based on Titus and what Christians should do while waiting for Jesus to return.  The main points were that we should continue to bring as many as we can to Christ THROUGH our works and the way we live our lives.  And by that, I do not mean Bible Beating…if anyone has read my blog enough they will know that, yes, I am a Christian and believe in God, yes I am also human and will get mad at God sometimes only to realize that it was I who needed to change my perspective, but most certainly, NO I will not bible beat you with my beliefs to get you to understand.

This made me think. “The way we live our lives”.  I know after my long history with religion (Not GOD, but RELIGION. Remember God and religion are NOT one and the same), I’ve come to be VERY intolerant of those who say “I go to church and I am a Christian” yet live such questionable lives.

It’s a very slippery slope for my own walk.  I most certainly do not want to come off judgmental because Lord knows I’m no Angel myself.  I also don’t want to come off that I think I’m a better “Christian” than any other Christian.  Yet, the Bible tells us to act as disciples of Christ IN OUR DAILY LIFE (2 Peter 1:5) and I know I try to do that by resisting temptation and such but when someone says “I go to church” and then thinks it’s ok to be in a committed relationship yet have women on the side, whether to “play” with or just be friends with, I want to rescue them.

However, I have chosen to run from it.  Our light shines through OUR ACTIONS.  I hope that my action of stating to him I do not condone that behavior nor do I want to have my impressionable son think that it is ok to behave that way or that I condone that behavior by remaining his friend.  I would like to show this man the error of his ways in proclaiming he is a Christian yet not living as we are told in the Bible to live, as Christians. (Again, not wanting to be judgmental as I struggle daily with being human and making mistakes).

My decision was not to confront him but to let that action speak for itself and it’s in God’s hands now.

I had hoped that my action of being the first female to not accept being a “friend” to someone who is in a committed relationship, shines as a light and not as a Bitch.  He did ignore me completely this morning and that is actually totally fine as I was going to cut off interactions with him.  However, I had hoped that maybe he would have said “Wow, no woman I’ve run into has ever made the move she did…I wonder what she is about and what makes her think like that”.  I say that not because I want to BE in a relationship with him because regardless, I never could.  I would just want him to see maybe why he may be having so much trouble in his current life with his kids’ mother, and with the school calling CPS on him and the problems that his daughter has.  The correlation between his current life struggles and his current life choices are astounding when you step back and look at it.

Doesn’t respect his committed relationship—> Gets CPS called on him by teachers from the school

Just “warming” a seat in a church —> Problems with kids and ex-wife (both mentally and emotionally)

Now, this thinking does not EVER imply that I don’t have my share of problems due to whatever reason, but I have found that when I keep myself on the right path and resist temptation, suddenly, money is in my bank account or my kid gets a good grade on a test in school.

However, when I start to give in to temptation and stray, suddenly my account goes into the minus and my kid falters in his schoolwork. These are just examples.

Another amazing personal example is my weight loss.  I have been on the yo-yo since I can remember but this is the FIRST time I’ve actually been able to lose weight, on my own (no Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers) and have not gained it ALL back yet.  Usually by this time in the weight loss game (I’m at 5 months on October 4th), I would have given up and gained it all back plus more.  Not only is that NOT happening but the weight keeps coming off.  Why is that? Because I decided that it wasn’t for looks or to catch the eye of someone (although that does come with the territory).  It was mainly because my body is a Temple and in ALL the walks in our life we should respect God.  That includes food and drink and what we put into our bodies.  I’m sure gluttony was not a favorite thing for God to see me doing.

I also quit smoking to, even if I did only smoke occassionally.

So what is it that I have to be honest with myself about, as the title suggests?  After all, I am a Sagittarius and as such, I must remain honest.  Ha!

fdfba5da6acb9d52046c67ccc0981315

Well, that is simply this:

I really don’t think a relationship is just in the cards for me at this time or even in the near future.  I just can’t stomach putting The Boy through a possible unsuccessful relationship after he may have developed his own relationship with the man.

I also can’t stomach the possible dangers I put The Boy in by not knowing a person and not knowing what he’s like.  I had been interacting with this last person on and off, daily through random “hello’s” and “how are you’s” at the kids’ school and such since the summer time.  Yet, he was as deceitful as ever.

A Facebook friend (also a male), when I posted this story on my FB, asked me not to judge all men based on a couple of assholes and I responded that I won’t.

However, I am just kidding myself with that response.  As much as I really REALLY don’t want to, by default, I will.  Maybe I won’t JUDGE, in the sense of the word, but I will damn sure be very caution of any male that comes along and that may result in me pushing them all away for any little reason.  I’m just being honest with myself.

thCANKBF1KOf course, I am a bit shaded after all this.  After 10 YEARS of no dating or being in a relationship, since my divorce,  I step out of my box and this happens.  I let one wall down and after all this, 5 more walls came right up in its place and that is probably how it’s going to be for the next 10 years.  I can’t put not only my heart at risk, but my kids’ to.

So, my conclusion is that I will not be pursuing men anymore.  My lack of trust in them is way to deep right now.  Yet, my lack of trust for humans in general is the main culprit.  I’m just going to concentrate on getting my kid to adulthood and continuing to get myself into better health.

That is it and that is all.

“Oh, I thought I mentioned her…”

34cab2f0b60ba35a832579bc15906d08

Yes, yes it is….

The guy has a girlfriend.

He said it yesterday afternoon while we were in the parking lot to pick up the kids.  I had just invited him and his kids to dinner at Hometown Buffet stating I planned to be there just after picking up The Boy.

In regards to my invitation, which, by the way, was strictly to HIM and his 2 kids, as my text to him said “Would YOU and the kids like to join The Boy and I for dinner at Hometown Buffet?”………He responds with “S. isn’t around until 6:45“.

Who the fuck is S.??” is instantly what I THINK.  However, being that I can’t react that way and must stay cool, calm and collected, I ask, “Who is S.?

He says, “S. is my girlfriend. I thought I mentioned I had a girlfriend“.

Uh, NO motherfucker! You never mentioned a girlfriend!  What you DID mention was that you had an EX-girlfriend.  WTF!!!!!”, is what I THOUGHT, however, keeping in that cool, calm and collected mode, what I say is “Oh, okay“.  Apparently, S. is not the ex-girlfriend I remember him mentioning.

Little does he know, his number lasted no longer than 2 days in my phone and all interaction, even the parking lot meetings at the kid’s after care, will soon cease and desist.

MjAxMy1lNDNjZmUyYmEzNjFhZGZl_52322339627d7_rcI’m actually surprised at my initial reaction to this, even after having some time to let it sink in.  My heart didn’t sink to my stomach as it normally would have in the past.  I waited for that sinking feeling, it never came.  I actually laughed inside.  I laughed inside because he thought he could actually play this game with me.  He thought he could request my number, answer my “get to know you” questions and even ask some of his own and then just randomly say, “oh yeah, I have a girlfriend but HEY we can totally keep flirting with each other and get together with the kids and please keep inviting me places….I LOVE having my cake and eating it to!”

And please don’t anyone try and tell me he didn’t know what he was doing or he didn’t know I was interested….he knew, believe me, he knew.  I don’t really care whether he was being innocent, naive or just plain stupid.  He knew EXACTLY the game he was playing.  And the only reason the girlfriend probably even came up again was because she was probably due to be there pretty soon.  Can’t cover up someone who is standing right there!

He claims that this girlfriend information has come out in one of our conversations.  I would have remembered that because I would not have pursued him any further nor offered him the Motocross tickets.  Backed into a corner much there, Buddy?

So, I laid it out for him because I’m not one to tip toe around the fucking elephant in the room.

I said “Look, I don’t want to step on toes. If you have a girlfriend, I don’t want to make you, nor her, uncomfortable by inviting you places.”  This statement was actually totally true.  I, personally, don’t think that a man who is in a committed relationship should, in ANY way, be accepting event tickets from other women AND going with those woman to the event, without his girlfriend.  Call me old fashioned but I have no respect for that.

He replies, “She understands that I mostly have women friends. I have to flirt a lot in Renaissance Faire booth to sell my stuff.”  Yeah, if your girlfriend accepts this behavior of yours, as you claim, I wonder about her own respect for herself.

671bc449cb5eaf750da2975276be50b2

Yeah buddy, you aren’t helping your cause much here. You may need a bigger shovel to continue digging your own grave there.

At that point, I just wanted to run in disgust.  He was one of THOSE men.  Blegh….

I excused myself with some excuse about needing to go eat and being hungry and said my goodbyes.  I turned to get in my car and a face looked at me that made this all sink in suddenly.

I saw my boy, sitting in the car, waiting.  He had been behind me and encouraging me about all this for the last few weeks.  He liked this guy but I think it’s only because he was just that, another guy.  He was disappointed and that is when I started to hurt, but hurt for my boy.

However, The Boy and I moved on.  We had a great dinner together and even had a few laughs over this whole debacle and I still waited for the sad, depression, feelings followed by hours of blubbering, about all this, to hit.  They never did.

Instead, after dinner, I went down to the gym and I pummeled the treadmill.  I ran like it meant each step would stomp his head in.  I talked with God, thanking Him for keeping me on my toes.  Ha ha, great test run, God.  Let’s move on now?

I didn’t cry, I didn’t even want to.  I just wanted to run and listen to my music….and run.  The only thing crying for me was my fat, because……..

www.pinterest.com

After my workout, I said to The Boy that it was time to get our Halloween lights up.  That is exactly what we did and they turned out pretty good!  This is the first year we are in an upstairs unit so the railing on the balcony is going to be put to good use.

image

Halloween is here! (actual photo of my balcony)

And there you have it.  It was the saga of the man who thinks he can have his cake and flirt with it to.

Unbelievable, which is something I kept saying all throughout my Hometown Buffet dinner.  So much so, that The Boy and I started to make a joke out of it.  But as it states above, I’m not just a little piece of cake…I’m the whole damned buffet AND dessert line, Bitch!  And there is NO way I’m giving HIM a referral to my apartment complex….he had the actual nerve to ask for one.  Good Lord……

So yeah, thanks God, for showing me what I’m missing.  Now, moving on!
image

I guess that’s what happens when I try to find my happiness…

I get shut down again.

What was I thinking I could actually do something for myself and be selfish enough to concentrate a little more on my health and body, enough to have lost 50 lbs.  How selfish of me!

How selfish of me to think I could actually TRY and find love or even a friend or two, being that I have no friends!

I’m just a selfish stupid idiot because I knew that something would pull me back in telling me “hey, you have NO right to be happy.  You must sacrifice every ounce of your happiness or finding it because…you have a kid to raise.

Today, I’m mad

Today, I do not want to be a mother.

After a teacher conference early this morning, I come to find out, The Boy is not doing as good as I thought.  I guess I’m just not as intuitive as I would hope to be.  He’s pretty much failing every class.  The teacher says that she thinks he can do the work and he isn’t being  purposefully or disrespectful.  He just loses concentration.

He is the human form of Doug and the dogs in Up.

th

Could it be ADHD? Maybe.

Will I give him the drugs? NEVER!!

It is also a combination of he is just a silly clown and likes the attention.

However, I’ve tried everything I could.  I take away things but he is who he is.

The worst is that I have NO ONE to confide in about this. Not one person.  I tell my mother very little because, well that would come back and bite me in the ass later.  I tell my sister very little well because, she is tied up in her own life.

I’m not doing good at this very moment.

But here I am at work having to put a fake stupid smile on my face while the black loneliness is creeping in again and I have no one to talk to.  I just want to end this failure and hopelessness I feel. End it for good.

On top of that…this ovarian pain is wanting to make me scream for real.  I can’t even stand up straight.  It hurts all on my left side.  But do I get to go to the doctor to check it out? Nope…I have a FUCKING KID TO RAISE!  No one else will do it or help me.  I swear to God that someday, I’m just going to drop dead because I have other obligations to tend to other than helping myself.

I’m the person in a room full of people….screaming…and no one cares to hear me or help.

Oh and the guy?  He’s avoiding me…..or so it seems.

So fuck you life!

Hey! No Fair!!

The Daily Prompt today hit WAY to close to home.  So much so, that I felt obligated to write about it.

its-not-fair

Daily Prompt: No Fair

Tell us about something you think is terribly unfair — and explain how you would rectify it.

I guess I find it hard to actually utter the words “That is NO FAIR!” without sounding like a spoiled little 5 year old.  However, all the time there are situations that are just simply, not fair.

514_230x230_NoPeelI recently gave the proverbial finger to God regarding this unfairness and then became afraid I might be smite down with His vengeance.  I wasn’t.  Instead, I was presented with a possible positive answer from Him regarding my loneliness but upon further inspection, it’s just another dead end and once again, I’ve had the carrot dangled in front of me and I followed like a dumb donkey.

Just last night, after this realization that I’m a fool for trying, I actually spent the evening, during my workout, during my shower, grooming after my shower and while watching T.V., either uttering or thinking the words “It just isn’t fair” while I intermittedly cried.

I work DAMN hard to be able to house and take care of myself and my son, on my own, with little help from family and NO help from his father, my ex-husband, except some money monthly.  As of lately, I’ve been working DAMNED hard to get 50 lbs off my body and still losing!  I look much more appealing to the eyes now.  As superficial as that is, it is the truth.  I think, it’s not fair that I run my ASS off on a daily basis on a stupid treadmill, don’t eat any of the sweets I enjoyed before to be able to lose the most weight I’ve ever lost, only to be over looked, yet again, by ANY man’s eye, just as if I was fat all over again!  I had a prospect (the “carrot” I speak of above) but it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.  I thought it was, but I was fooling myself.  I was, once again, over looked.

According to all that is fair, I have nothing to offer anyone.  If that is true, then that is beyond sad.

When does it become MY turn to be happy?

When does it become MY turn to have love?

When does it become MY turn to enjoy myself?

The-Nothing-2In the end, it isn’t fair that my ex-husband, who left his only son and never looked back, gets to have multiple relationships while I stay single and probably, eventually, an old maid, while I put all my energy into raising HIS son and continuously put my own needs to the side.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my son more than anything on the earth but the loneliness……there are some moments it gets so bad I feel like walls of blackness are caving in on me, shutting me in and I can’t breathe and I think The Nothing is finally here to take me.

I mean WHAT THE HELL!

It just isn’t fair.

Fine! Then what would I do to make it fair?

I honestly don’t know.  I know life isn’t fair and that is just how it is.  It just seems that the unjust and wicked are getting the upper hand and maybe they are.  I just have to tell myself that I am the one who is the better person for sticking around, raising and loving my child, even if my ex-husband didn’t want to.  I have to tell myself I am the one who wins a few more moments of life with every pound I lose and not just to get a man to love me.

So, in essence what isn’t fair can also be seen as what I win by working hard and when I feel lonely at the end of the day because my life has lead me down a friendless and loveless road, I just have to remind myself that my goals are being accomplished.

Even if no one else cares.

NOTHING tastes as good as this feels….

I swear, in all my years, I thought I could never get over the fact that I could eat a whole chocolate cake by myself.  It was like there was nothing better than the taste of food and sweets.

I have found what is better.  This feeling, is far better than any chocolate.  This feeling is far better than any cheeseburger.  By “this” I mean my Mojo.

I had mentioned before about the single father of a girl in The Boy’s class.  We drop the kids off at the same time just about every morning and sometimes we pick them up at the same time in the afternoon.

Since school started in the 1st week in August, we have just been parental ships passing by each other just about every day.  I noticed no ring on his finger and never saw a woman dropping the kids off.  His daughter is in The Boy’s class and I found out from him that she has no mother living with them and lives only with her dad and younger brother.

Doesn’t THAT sound very familiar? It was then, I started giving him a “Good Morning” along with some smiles.  It was also then that I stopped putting my hair in a “librarian” bun on the top of my head every day and makeup, started appearing on my face.  All the while, I’m dropping more and more weight, yet gaining more and more Mojo.

(As a side note, I would like to remind all that I have not dated (seriously) nor been in a relationship since my divorce 9 years ago.  So in essence, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.)

piglet-1Moving on, yesterday, I found us at the sign in book, together.  He was waiting for me to sign The Boy out.  He hands me a pen and I say “thanks” (almost inaudibly) and never really make eye contact.  It was then I realized that my shyness could seriously come off as snobbery which is FAR from what I am like at all.  I’m just shyer than Piglet in his own movie!

This must change.

Last night, I told myself that if he happens to be there when I drop off The Boy the next morning, I would make a point to say hello, make eye contact and introduce myself as The Boy’s mother and confirm he is the father of the girl in The Boy’s class.  I would also take it as a sign from God if he happens to be there as sometimes, our paths do not cross on certain mornings.

Thusly, this morning, I got dressed and left at the normal time, got to school to drop The Boy off and noticed as I was pulling into the parking lot, there it was…his white mini van (yes, he drives a mini van).  He is no where to be seen however.  I pull up and park right next to it.

Hmmm……

I get out and look up, there he comes.  Timing couldn’t have been MORE perfect.  We literally cross paths as I’m getting out of my car and he is getting into his.  I do as I promised myself.  I say hello, say that his daughter is in my son’s class.  He asks something of The Boy that I didn’t really hear because I had the sun shining in my eyes and I was trying to commit to making eye contact but avoid the sun burning my eyes out of their sockets.  Now that I think of it, I don’t even think The Boy heard because he never answered him.  Anyway, I smiled, then told him I felt I should at least introduce myself since we’ve been crossing paths just about every day since early August and our children are in the same class.  I gave him my name, he gave me his (with a smile) and we parted as I told him to have a great day.

The best part of this interaction was that he was not rushed to leave my presence.  He was making eye contact and talking and he even interacted with The Boy (a HUGE plus).  If he hadn’t been rushed to get to work, it could have turned into a full fledged conversation, I believe.

Overall, it was a very positive interaction and I’m hoping it opened the gates for more interactions in the future, whether it be small talk in the morning because we are needing to get to work or a bit lengthy on a Friday afternoon when there really isn’t anywhere to get to.

Regardless of whatever outcome happens, the whole thing broke down a few walls that I’ve built around myself.  That is for sure.

However, I know that this will probably lead no where and I wouldn’t be surprised nor disappointed if it didn’t but, it is still good to know that after many years of wallowing in my fat and psychological defeat, I can win my confidence back.  In the very least, this situation has shown me that.

I will continue with the smiles and small talk every day with him as much as I can.  I will continue to run my heart out on the treadmill and lose another 45 pounds.  I will continue to put makeup on daily and putting the great smelling Jasmine leave in conditioner in my hair which makes it look like silk in the wind.

Who knows what the future holds?  But what I do know is that no chocolate cake or cheeseburger EVER tasted as good as the smile on my face driving to work this morning felt.  Regardless of the outcome, that feeling was WINNING!

Also, should I wonder that his name just happens to be one of my favorite names of all time?  I won’t put it here but it starts with a B.

sign_from_god

Hmmm..maybe that little “finger” I gave to God, woke Him up?

Sometimes…I just want to give God the finger

Yes, you are assuming correctly.  This post will not be fun.  It will not be easy.  It may very well ex-communicate me from owning any property in the Kingdom of Heaven but it simply has to be said.  Because I’m just pissed!

Dear God,

Sometimes, I just want to give You the finger.

Matthew 4:19

“Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will send you out to fish for people.”

Then, I do follow…and the road You lead me down hurts beyond belief!  It’s lonely.  It’s frustrating.  It breaks my heart multiple times.

Is this Your “love”?

Matthew 19:21

Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

Ok, no problem.  I will live simply, yet pure.  Still the pain and heart ache continue.  I never find my laugh or smile.  I just walk down this path that leads to The Nothing.

I’m reminded of a scene from a movie called The Devil’s Advocate:

“Look, but don’t touch”

“Touch, but don’t taste”

“Taste, but don’t swallow”

Really?  Do You really watch us from up there and laugh as we bounce back and forth trying to obey Your word so that we will be blessed in the Kingdom of Heaven?  While those who scoff and mock you (maybe ex-husbands who were out right atheists) get all the joy?

I would like to hope not.  I can see why non-believers question You so much.

You have given us free will.  You have given us the right to choose our actions.  Yet, why does it feel that when I choose the path of righteousness, You turn Your back and go “ha…ha, tricked ya!”

Photo from mycomicshop.com

Photo from mycomicshop.com

Is this Bizarro World?  I think it is because it looks like the wicked souls and evil hearts of this world are not only getting off scott free but enjoying it as well. I just found out today that my ex-husband, is yet again with another woman.  While I’m sure this relationship of his will be just as meaningless as all the others after me, at least he gets to a relationship, period.   And don’t ask me how I found out.  That doesn’t matter but from what I know, he’s had a few different relationships and that is a few more than I ever had in the past 10 years.   And believe me, this isn’t jealously talking…and if it is, the only thing I’m jealous about is that he gets to live his life with little worries while I get stomach ulcers trying to raise a kid and keep my sanity.

Oh, why have I not had relationships, You may ask?  Well, I don’t know why You would ask that. You are up there looking down at me, maybe laughing, as I jump Your ropes, go to Your churches and praise Your name.  But in case You do decide to blame the fact that I’m human, well the reason I’ve been utterly alone is because I’m raising a child.  This is the same child that the aforementioned ex-husband abandoned, to be fatherless.  Yet YOU feel the need to give that man freedom, relationships and a relatively stress free life while I deal with doctor appointments, whining attitudes, homework/teachers, teaching a human how to be a decent person (and praise Your name) and worst of all…loneliness.

Did I not choose wisely enough for You?  Was deciding to follow through on my actions and raise a child that didn’t deserve to be abandoned not righteous enough for You?  I guess that isn’t enough for You since you feel the need to torture me more and more as the years go on.

It isn’t enough that You gave me the physique and looks of Quasimodo so that I have to work extra hard just to keep up with the slowest metabolism on the planet, another quality that you so graciously granted me.  And of course, it isn’t enough that I should even be remotely rewarded for actually losing the most weight ever except maybe to probably live longer but live longer in this lonely existence you gave me?!  Doesn’t seem like a reward to me.

Regardless, all in all, sometimes, just sometimes God, I want to flip you a finger and a half because sometimes, just sometimes, You choose to bless the wrong people.

That is all.

P.S.  Please don’t strike me down with lightening for ranting at You.  I don’t really want to give You the finger but  sometimes You deserve a good rant because I’m looking back onto the sand and I’m only seeing my tired emotionally exhausted feet dragging in the sand and Your footprints are no where to be found.

Oh and sorry for yelling

This rant brought to you by the number three (which sounds like cheese, as in “Would you like some more cheese with that Whine”) and by the letters F and U.

Letter to God

DearGodCranberry

Dear God,

I will start out my letter to You with a question.

Why do You feel I don’t deserve love?

I believe, in my heart, that You exist.  That will never change.  Therefore, I come to You for the answer to this question.  I know that no other human on this planet can answer this, except maybe myself, which may be the answer in and of itself.  However, you know me better than I know myself.

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart”- Jeremiah 1:5

I refuse to believe that You are ignorant to the amount of pain this loneliness brings.

I know that I have trouble getting along with the mother You gave me.  You must see how I try very hard to understand her but I am human (as you have made me) and I do have a tolerance level.  I have accepted that You gave me this type of mother for a reason.  I see that reason as being to shape my own type of mothering.  So, in the bigger picture, it was a learning process.  I’ve learned now, can I just get a break from her pain now?

I understand that I have made many MANY mistakes and I have been the “Prodigal Son” many times over.  I stray only to come back to You admitting I am weak.  I am weak emotionally.  I am weak physically.  However, since You knew me before I was in the womb, You knew I would be an emotional and emotionally needy person who craved love.  You knew I would crave affection and touch.  You knew I would crave plain old love.  Yet, You have denied it from my life.

For a man named Job, in the Bible, You allow Satan to destroy him, a man who was just about the most faithful man to God that there was.  Satan was a kid in a candy store, being allowed to test one of God’s most faithful servants.Job-Bible-Story_6

All the tests caused Job to lose everything, his family, his riches, and even his health.  Why must everything be a test?  The story of Job is supposed ot teach us that just because one suffers, inside, with loneliness and an empty heart, does not mean one is  being punished for some sin.  That makes sense because I wonder, all the time, what truly horrible transgressions I’m committing other than just being a human full of flaws and having so much need for affection that the void of just that, makes me want to scream.  I constantly feel like I’m looking over my shoulder, so to speak, thinking “what have I done now to deserve this”.  It is feeding my guilty conscience with a vengeance.

I do not write this to You to whine or sound ungrateful, even though that is how it seems.  Upon reflecting on this topic and as I look around the populace, I notice that there are so many lonely humans out there.  Some have given up because they have had one to many interactions with those who do not care for love, only for personal satisfaction.  However, some are truly and honestly, just wanting to find love.  In this aspect, misery does not love company.  I do not feel solice seeing the lonely people all over the globe.  I feel even more sadness because this kind of emptiness is not an easy thing to bare.

I know that You see how lonely myself and so many others are.  I know that sometimes, you just have to turn Your face from it because it is mostly caused by choices we make.  I reach out as a last resort because I know that the choices I made in my past, brought me here.  However, the choices I’m making now, should not keep me down this path.  I always thought I was well deserved of the right path.alice-in-wonderland-mv03

I will not throw back in Your face the wonderful blessing that is my boy, my job, my health, even my cat!  I would never be so arrogant.  I just wonder, is that all that is left?  If so, when will I be able to smile again, to laugh again.  I miss laughing.  What am I missing because I know it is something I, alone, am missing or failing to comprehend.  Or maybe there is just something that You aren’t allowing me to see?

I still believe that you do give us what we can handle, and never more.  That is apparent in the fact that you allowed me to become a mother (something I can handle and outright needed to be) but not to become the mother of a female (something I don’t think I could handle).

Why would you think I couldn’t handle love?  Why do I feel you allow it for others but not myself?  What do I need to change? What am I supposed to learn in the void of loneliness?

I do not question your reasoning.  I just try to understand it.

Sincerely,
Your ever faithful yet sometimes flawed servant
Me

P.S.  Don’t worry, even though I don’t go to a church, I still feel strongly in following You.  I’m just sorry that all the churches are run by more flawed humans.  If You find one run by Jesus Himself, I’ll be first in line to join!  And I will continue to treat myself with kindness and be good to my body.

I got a “Good Morning”

For the love of embarrassment, I feel like a 16 year old school girl.

th

Remember the father that I mentioned who drops off his kids the same time as I drop off The Boy?  Each and every day we pull up to the before school care at the exact same time.  This morning, I actually got a “Good Morning” from him.

It doesn’t matter that I was the one who initiated the first “Good Morning” as we passed each other in the doorway  but hey, since he has never said a word to me ever, at least I got a response.

I’m so laughing at myself right now.  I’m sure he doesn’t find me remotely interesting or has a girlfriend but I must say that the loss of 40 extra pounds REALLY helps me feel better even if that is the case.  Now, if I can just keep my perseverance up to lose the next 40 pounds, maybe I’ll get more than just a “Good Morning” from him or anyone else!

Here’s to hoping!!

keep-calm-and-fingers-crossed-5

Maybe it’s not the weight?

I can’t even get a date with a 400 lb guy from match.com.  Let me explain a bit what I mean by this.

I have just been getting the feeling that maybe it isn’t the weight that was keeping me “unattractive”.  What the weight was doing was forcing me into an early grave.  I was looking at a future with diabetes (runs in the family), and I could barely breath or move quickly.

When I start to think about this I think of the phrase that goes something like this “weight can be lost but you can’t lose ugly.”

Apparently, that is the tagline to my life.

Man A

Referring back to the date with the 400 lb guy.  I will admit, I was desperate for some human interaction that wasn’t with my kid or my family.  So I contacted a guy I had met on match.com about 2 years ago.  When I met him then, there really wasn’t any connection at all but I let it continue and we have been interacting every once in a while over the past two years so it wasn’t really out of the blue that I contacted him.  I just asked if he wanted to go get a drink or something.  He agreed, only to text me the day before that he had to cancel, reason unknown.

Man B

There is a father that I’ve seen every day when I drop off The Boy at school in the morning.  He drops off his daughter, who is also in The Boy’s class, and his son.  We sign the in/out sheet at the same time just about every morning.  He’s dressed in business office attire so I’m making the assumption he works in an office type environment.  I have seen no ring on his finger as just yesterday morning, I was able to get a good look because we both reached for the same pen to sign the in/out sheet (he has some amazing smooth white hands to, I’m a sucker for soft hands).  I’ve also never seen the kids dropped off by a mother/woman.  On the flip side, I know men don’t wear wedding rings much anymore and the mother could work early mornings.a-secret-crush

Still, this man I find SUPER and secretly, attractive.

The reason I mention this man I run into every morning at The Boy’s school is because it made me think.  If I can’t even get a 400 lb short ugly guy who has a part time fast food job and lives with his grandmother (Man A), to go out with me, what makes me think that this man who is good looking and obviously has a job at an office (Man B), or any others in his category, would give me the time of day?

I thought that my body and the fat was the problem but as of lately, that isn’t the problem anymore because I have shaped up rather nicely.  I think it’s my Plain Jane looks.  I have been thinking of trying out different things.  I spend a lot of money on the natural beer based shampoo that does wonders for my hair, along with the conditioner.  I’m making an appointment with the eye doctor in hopes that I can get my eyes used to contacts again (although I’m not hopeful since they itch every time I use them) because I think wearing glasses takes away from my face.  I’m even going to get eye lash extensions because I actually can’t wear makeup (eyeliner, mascara, etc.) which I am also allergic to.  Well, either allergic or it just irritates my eyes so that they water incessantly and I can’t keep the makeup from running all over.

This all just seems like so much work and money.  I have never been one to put a lot of work and money into things like eyelash extensions, hair straighten and the like.  I just wished that I could just drop this weight and be done, but apparently there is more to it.

Now don’t get me wrong.  It’s not like I don’t have the proper hygiene regimen.  I really just don’t like the “foo-foo” aspects of being a women.  I don’t have a closet full of high heels and short skirts nor do I shop at Sephora.

I’m just a Plain Jane and apparently Plain Jane’s don’t get Man B and from how things are going with me, not even Man A (refer above).

It could also be my personality.  I really don’t take much B.S. and sometimes say it like it is but not in a disrespectful way.  Let me create this analogy:

I’m like that mean barking snarling dog that is lying in the middle of a ditch with their leg broken and is being approached by a human.  The dog is in pain and seeing this strange human coming towards them.  The dog is going to bark and snap because the dog doesn’t know that the human is trying to save her.

The human gets a hold of the dog, but not after the dog might have snapped at him, maybe even drew blood.  The human calms the dog with treats, toys, soft scratching behind the ears.  The dog is now calm and the human can attend to the dogs wounds.

The dog heals and is the humans’ most loyal, loving and attached companion, fighting only for the human who never leaves their side.  In return, the human showers love and affection on the dog. Forever and ever and EVER!cute-puppy-pictures-true-love

That is me in a nutshell.

Or maybe that is my fairy tale?

Regardless, it could very well be that many men just simply do not want to get past the first stage of this analogy, the snapping dog.

This is all so sad because I know I have so much to give and I’m dying inside.

Disneyland alone = I’m a Loser

My Disneyland Annual Pass expired this past Sunday.  I have mixed feelings about this.

First, I just didn’t feel the $1200 a year (broken down into $80 monthly payments for a Premium Pass and a Deluxe Pass) was worth it anymore.  There is no longer an “off season” anymore as it’s always crowded.  I feel the customer service and the demeanor of the Cast Members who work there has gone down tremendously.  The worst is not really even Disney’s fault.  The people who go there now are horrible.  I know some people in this world are innately jerks but I can’t believe the number of people who out right break rules and just don’t care about others.  I found myself having to fight for what was right at just about every visit.  That, combined with the fact that CM’s just don’t care to enforce rules anymore, pretty much had me disgusted over the past year.

Also, The Boy just seems desensitized to it all as well and I feel I’m spoiling him.  When we go, he never wants to ride anything except Indiana Jones then just walk around.  Usually, he’ll stay to dance at Mad T Party then want to ride Monster’s Inc. but that is it.  I guess that is the whole point of having an AP but I had to start weighing the financial pros and cons.

On the other side of the coin, I am sad to not have that little pass with my name in my wallet anymore and have the freedom of going whenever I can, something I’ve had for the past 10 years of my life and pretty much The Boy’s whole life (his first visit was at 10 months old).

As I said before, our passes expired this past Sunday so on Friday night, I took The Boy for our last visit together, and then on Saturday, I dropped him off with my sister and went out to the Parks by myself.

That excursion in itself brought mixed emotions.  It started out, well, very lonely.  I didn’t actually get into the park until late afternoon.  I walked around a bit, and then decided I needed to eat.  I went to Flo’s, the diner type place in Carsland, and had an overpriced turkey salad.

flos-v8-cafe-00

Photo from Disneyland.com

I sat in the corner of the diner, by myself, with my nose in my phone playing Candy Crush.  I watched families, couples, and friends pass by and that was when I realized, this isn’t fun.  In fact what it was feeling like was, sad.

I needed to walk around some more.  I didn’t feel I got noticed for being alone as much walking around.  And I was listening to some great tunes with my ear buds and new cell phone.

I actually got some great exercise in.  I always walk fast and have noticed with less weight on me, I walk even faster now.  I wanted to time my events right as I wanted to see and do the things that The Boy never lets me do when I have him with me, which is all the time.

For a little while, the walking around helped my mood.  I exited DCA to go into Disneyland because I know I wanted to ride Space Mountain, something The Boy doesn’t want to ride.  However, I started to feel pathetic standing alone in line for Space Mountain.  Most of the rides have a Single Rider line that is only for people who ride alone and that line usually isn’t long.  Space Mountain doesn’t have a Single Rider Line.  So, I had to stand in the whole queue, alone.  Luckily, the line wasn’t more than about 30 minutes but I had my nose in my phone playing Candy Crush the whole time, again.  I felt like all eyes were staring at the loser all by herself.

What is interesting about this is that, in the past 10 years I’ve had an AP, I’ve gone to the Parks alone before.  Although, I’ve noticed that each time it becomes less and less enjoyable and more and more lonely.

IMG_20130817_183332

White Rabbit DJ (DJ Wendy Walker)

Space Mountain was pretty much the only ride I rode.  I walked back to the DCA to get my free sample of a Ghiradelli Caramel Square  (I deserved it with the amount of walking I did and they are only 100 calories) then headed towards Mad T Party to watch the band, another thing that The Boy never allows me to do.

IMG_20130817_211642

Alice

DJ Wendy Walker was the White Rabbit DJ this night.  I will certainly miss DJ Jason Jass on my Friday night visits.  I enjoyed some dancing (more exercise) and the Mad T Party band.

These performers are so much fun to watch.  They are so animated and seem to really love what they are doing and are having fun doing it.  These seem like people who didn’t let anyone put them down with something like “You can’t perform at a kiddie park as a cartoon character! Get a real job!” (said in my mother’s voice because that is totally something she would say to me).  They are all also super talented.  My personal favorite is the Cheshire Cat drummer, pictured below.   Not only is Cheshire Cat my favorite Alice in Wonderland character but who doesn’t love a great drummer!

IMG_20130817_212038

Cheshire Cat Drummer

I ended up timing things rather perfectly  because as the Mad T Party ended and DCA was preparing to close, it was just enough time to make a mad walking dash to get back to Disneyland to catch the 10:30 showing of Fantasmic, yet another show The Boy never allows me to sit and watch.

My favorite part is the wonderful Maleficent Dragon that appears in all it’s glory at the ending of the show. It’s super big.

20130817_224923The park was closed after that.  I waited a while for the crowds to disperse then left.

I will miss taking my Disney photography, some of which you can see here.

I’m sure I will find other means of entertainment.  I still have my Universal Studio AP which is turning out to be fun each time we go.  It’s just a bit farther of a drive and I hate Los Angeles traffic.  I know that preparations are being made for Harry Potter to be built at Universal Hollywood soon so I’m sure they will gain a lot of popularity after that and their AP’s will go up tremendously.

I will probably get Disney passes again sometime in the future.  Right now, it just doesn’t seem worth it.  Also, as The Boy is getting older and he is getting more into Hockey, that is where all my extra money is going.  And food because he won’t stop eating.

I’m gonna be kid free tomorrow night!

Now, I’m thinking about what the heck I will do with myself!

I get kid free nights about 3, maybe 4 times a year.  My sister lost her job so she doesn’t have to get up for work and offered to pick The Boy up from Summer Camp on Thursday and he can spend the night with her.  I do have to get up for work on Friday or I would head out to Disneyland to ride the BIG kid rides that The Boy never wants to ride.  But if I did that, I wouldn’t leave there until midnight and going to bed at 1 a.m. to get up at 7 the next morning doesn’t work for me.

97704-pink-moscato2Or I could drink to much bubbly Moscato wine and see if there are any movies on my Video on Demand or maybe play my Wizard game, all by myself.  I do almost have my Life Wizard up to cap level 90.

Or I could go see World War Z, a movie I know my sister would not be interested in and would not go with me to see even though I went to see Star Trek: Into Darkness with her (a movie I had no interest in let alone wanted to pay ticket prices to go see)  JUST so she wouldn’t have to go to the movies alone, something she refuses to do but was torn and begging me to go with her because she wanted to see her Benedict Cumberbatch in Star Trek.

But that was actually a good thing….the man was super yummy to watch on the big screen….Ladies, enjoy!

I wished I could drink to much then head to see World War Z but that may be frowned upon since I would have to drive to the theater.

But now I kind of understand why I hate kid free nights.  Makes me wish I had a husband so that there would be NO reason to want to leave the house at all, if you get what I mean.

*sigh*  It’s not fair.

What would we be doing right now?

I remember what we were doing before we were 29.

  • You always had so many different friends that I always felt that I was sharing you with so many others, even if you were the only true friend I had.
  • You were usually telling me that I was a bit to blunt and outspoken for my own good and you would always do it in a way that put me in my place, without making me feel like a Class A Bag of Douche.
  • You would always pour me to much Rum and Coke and I would always push it away, until I just decided to just take the drink so you would stop pestering me to lighten up.
  • You helped me through my wedding and fights with my mother, even though you shared her feelings that I was marrying the absolutely wrong man.
  • You always had positive words and a bright smile………Always, up until we were 29.

What would we be doing now?

  • You would have been my shoulder to cry on when my divorce finally became reality because you always listened so patiently and without judgement.
  • You NEVER would have said “I told you so” after my marriage was officially done because you would have known that my family would have already said it enough.
  • You would have helped me with my child as much as you could.
  • You would have given me the advice and the strength to venture on my own and to be independent as a single mother.
  • You would have joined me on my adventures with my son, and smiled the whole time.
  • You would be here with me, in the present, to take me out for coffee or a stiff drink, when I needed a night off.

However, we will not be doing those things.  At 29, something else entered our lives.  At 29, Cancer claimed you and stole from me my Best Friend.

You were my only friend and I have never found your equal since, nor do I feel I ever will.

7 years ago, my life went from “what did we do then” to “what would we be doing right now”.

I miss you so much it hurts to the core of my being and I would give anything to have you back, sitting here, telling me that I’m a bit blunt and outspoken, then handing me a Rum and Coke.

rum and coke

The Nothing

As I sip my hot tea behind my desk, each time I swallow it feels like I’m swallowing razor blades and the pain makes me think about my current existence.

Let’s talk about suicide.

Now, before you all start dialing the 911, I’m not going to kill myself. I don’t believe in murder and yes, suicide is murder. However, I will say that to just not exist anymore is a very inviting notion even if it is pretty much the equivalent of being dead. To not exist means that one is in a state of no pain. Pain, that comes from the soul and not from the physical flesh is so very debilitating.

So, I can say that I completely understand why some people do consider this option, as sad as that is.

But that is not really where I’m going with this.

I believe I speak more of the suicide of one’s soul.  I would guess that someone whose soul has committed suicide would be more like a Zombie, except they don’t require feeding on flesh to survive. They just roam the earth, doing daily functions, yet have no enjoyment in much of anything.

What happens when one’s soul wants to jump off a bridge?  I believe this is something that a 1980’s movie brought into the light.

The Nothing.The Nothing is Coming

Atreyu: What is the Nothing?

G’mork: It’s the emptiness that’s left. It’s like a despair, destroying this world. And I have been trying to help it.

Atreyu: But why?

G’mork: Because people who have no hopes are easy to control. And whoever has control has the Power.

The Nothing is described as “the emptiness that is left”.  There is just a “nothing” type feeling.  I get up, I go to work, pay my bills, deal with my kid but The Nothing is still there, hovering over my soul making it feel heavy and listless.

My soul was once light, fluffy and had spirit. That is gone.

My soul would once laugh and dance. That is gone.

What is left is a hole void of any human compassion or any human touch. Void of laughter and vivacity. My soul feels like it is slowly just disappearing.  It feels like it is committing suicide.  It feels like….The Nothing.

Why is this?

As of this moment, I have not one single friend. Yes, you read that right, not one friend. I have people I talk to online, through Facebook or Twitter maybe but never that friend/s you call to go have dinner or drinks or see a movie. Not one. I do not exaggerate about that.

However, I do live my every moment around my son.  Anything I do, it’s with him.

My daily routine is:

Get up

Take the Boy to school

Spend 8 hours behind a desk in an office

Leave office to pick up The Boy from school

Come home and make dinner and do homework

Time for bed

Wash, rinse, repeat.

Being that his father turned his back on him 8 years ago and never looked back, I do this on my own, no “visitation weekends” off.  So my life is and probably always will, revolve around The Boy.

I would have to say this leads to a very lonely lifestyle.  I have no one to talk to.  I have no one who asks me how my day was.  I doubt that anyone even cares.

I sit, by myself, watching TV or on the computer.  For instance, I was alone when I reacted to the last Episode of Game of Thrones.  I found a video on YouTube which showed reactions from people while watching that episode and most of these people were in rooms filled with others, also watching it with them and reacting with them. I was alone.  No one to react with me.  No one to scream at the TV with me. (It was a VERY startling episode if you haven’t already heard.)

When I contemplate this existence, I wonder, how did I get to this point?  Mainly because I have developed a severe lack of trust in anyone male, female or alien (although I have yet to meet an alien and if I did, I probably wouldn’t trust them right away. I mean they ARE an alien).

After my divorce in 2005, I grew to not trust men nor their intentions after finding out that the man I married was pretty much a liar, a manipulator and an all around asshole with an alcohol problem to boot.  I still blame myself for not seeing it.  This blame upon myself led to my lack of trust in my own judgment of people, even if I was deceived.  After a few dates between then and now (I can count the dates on one hand and they don’t reach the 5 fingers that hand has), I grew to not trust men even more.

Even my own family (which is basically mother, father and sister) always seem to betray me in some way either with neglect, hurtful words or selfishness.

Then of course, there is the lack of any human decency in the human race, period.  The things I read and see on the news TV are enough to send me running to Hermitville, Population 1.

Humans are disappointing and my lack of trust in them did NOT just sit with men.

So, we have established, that 1) I’m lonely 2) I have no adult human interaction on a regular basis which leads to 3) hopelessness. The kind of hopelessness that even a strong faith in God can’t fix.  The kind of hopelessness that this dark and thundering monster called The Nothing thrives from.

The-Nothing-2

The road I travel is lonely and ends in The Nothing

How much I do long for my soul to be kick started like a dead car battery and talked down from the slippery ledge it is on. I loathe and despise the fact that I have never known love beyond my relatives, relatives who are obligated to love me and I them, simply because we share blood. What’s even worse, is realizing that I may never know that kind of love, ever.  I would be to afraid of more disappointment.

After being on this planet for the past 36 years, I used to fear death and its finality.

I have now come to realize, there can be a fate worse than death.

Loneliness and his minion, The Nothing.

Living life as a fat, ugly girl

I realize that is a harsh title. It was harsh to write. However, it is the truth.

“Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder”

I have always guffawed at that statement. We are human. We thrive on pleasure. Everyone will enjoy looking at a pleasurable face over an ugly or plain face. If anyone says otherwise, they are a lying.

Again, it is harsh for me to say it, but it is the truth. Our eyes want to see beauty not just in the form of a person’s face but in landscapes, colors, maybe a beautiful colored flower garden or a painting.

Humans enjoy beauty.

Humans will also shun those who are not seen as beautiful. Then again, Society is responsible for a lot of this to but in reality, what is Society made up of. Humans. And again, if one claims to not have done this at least once in their life, I call them liars.

I have never felt or ever considered myself beautiful by any means. I have always considered myself a Plain Jane. I do not like make up.  I never was one to wear a lot of make up outside of going to a special event.  As I’ve gotten older, I simply can’t wear it anymore. My eyes water and my skin itches. Make up and me, are no longer friends.

I never spent hours on my hair every day. For the most part, I wore it short just to keep it easy. However, I will admit, that when it is long, it is my best feature. But even my best “beauty” feature is becoming null and void because I’m losing my hair and if I don’t take the time to dye it ever two weeks, the greying ages me 20 years. And yes, I have a full head of pretty much “salt and pepper” hair (if I don’t dye regularly). It’s mortifying but I’ve been greying since I was 16. It was inevitable.

These are a few examples of when I was shunned for lacking beauty.

1) I was 20 and the current boyfriend I had was driving us to go pick up an old friend of his. We did pick him up, and as the night went on, I over heard this old friend telling my boyfriend just this, word for word, (I wished I could forget it) “Dude, you can do better than *that*. She is a dog” …….No.joke. Welcome to my memories..

2) I’m working at a pretty well known high end restaurant here in S. California. I was a hostess. I had been there for all of a few weeks. I over hear the male waiters and kitchen staff say (again, wished I could erase my memory) “oh that one…? that one is butt ugly.”

These are just two examples I remember…I may have mentally blocked a lot out.

Weight is just a Number

I’ve also never been able to keep a “healthy” weight. My first diet was at 12 years old, Weight Watchers.

I can remember being teased many times in my childhood (along with the many humiliations elementary school provided). One particular sticks to mind.

I was at a roller skating rink at a church function and a boy who always teased me for some reason told me “you don’t need skates, you will just rollll out there”. I’m sure you all understood what he meant.

Another was this boys’ sister who was on the same church cheerleading squad. One time, she was in the dressing room and she grabbed my cheer skirt, which was about 3 sizes to big for her and proceeded to put it on and dance around in it, showing all the other girls that it was 3 sizes to big.

Now, I know that others with the same issues as myself may have had similar stories and I’m sure even worse stories, but these were the few I remembered.

It’s because of these human reactions to fat and ugliness that I have always been over looked.  I have never turned any eyes, I’ve remained extremely shy which lead to a pretty much non-existent self-esteem and self-worth.

I was on and off diets my whole life. I do recall three times where a certain “diet” worked and I was at a very nice looking weight. But as is the norm, this weight never stayed off.

The first was when I was 17.  I was about 155 lbs at this age. Oddly enough, it was a Richard Simmons diet. Yes, you read that right. Richard Simmons. It looked kinda like this:

img_4347

The concept was easy enough and the foundation for any diet plan. You have a certain amount of certain types of food, which the color coded cards represented. When that food was eaten, the color coded card that represents that food (ex. Pink cards were fruit), was moved over to the right slots under breakfast, lunch or dinner. When all the cards were gone, you were done eating for the day. I got my weight down to 140 lbs. People thought I was sick, I got so skinny.  However, according to the “charts”, 140 is not “skinny” for a 5 foot 4 inch female. Yet, I was skinny enough for people to think I was sick.

As I said, I was 17 when I started this and the personal happenings in my life had a lot to do with the weight loss. I was in my Sr. year in high school and didn’t have ONE friend (yes you read that right…I had not ONE friend my Sr. year in high school, I didn’t even go to my Sr. prom or Grad Night). Also, I only went to school half days. I left at Noon, I got on a bus down the street from my school, drove on the bus for 10 miles to an afternoon filing job at a mortgage company. This was my Senior year in high school. On the weekend, I would visit my best friend at UC San Diego where she was doing her Freshman year in college.

The second time I lost a lot of weight was the first few months of my marriage in 2001-02.  I’m sure my husband at the time was afraid of the whale I could possibly become and he monitored ALL my eating. He made my lunches, made our dinners. I was watched constantly.

The third time, was 10 months after I had my child. I was a around 210 lbs. It was also probably the only time that I actually COULD have kept it off permanently. But life always gets in the way. I worked for L.A.P.D. as a time keeping clerk. In the station, there was a great exercise room. I worked PM watch so my “lunch break” would be around 8 or 9 pm. I would spend that time watching LOST in the exercise room on the elliptical. Also, I started Jenny Craig, as a few years before I had paid to be a lifetime member and could join for free (“plus the cost of food“). Jenny always worked for me. It was planned out meals, I didn’t have to do anything but heat them up, eat them and do my hour on the elliptical. I got down to 165 lbs.

It was this time that I lost the most and felt great because I was doing power exercise (the elliptical is a good workout) along with it. However, I was also going through a lot of rough times living with my parents and having a newborn/infant.

It was the diet yo-yo

It was the diet yo-yo

I gained all that back after I quite my LAPD job (it was to far to travel there from my parents house) and then lost the new city job I got only 3 months after that. I then moved up to Washington state for 3 months, then moved back. Then it just started piling on again.

I think the most of what I’ve gained has been this past year though. I tried Jenny Craig again, this time last year and was up to 15lbs lost but it is expensive.

I’m now pushing 250lbs.

Let’s look at all the three times the diets worked. First, I was 17….17! I was young and vivacious. Anything would have worked fast. Second time, it wasn’t me that was pushing it. It was my husband at the time who was afraid I would turn into a walrus. Third, I wanted to lose baby weight and had the time, money and resources to exercise without interruption.

I wished that the storyline from Tyler Perry’s “Why did I get Married?” was true. The storyline I’m talking about is a very large Sheila, finally dumps her husband who does nothing but make fun of her because she is fat and who is also cheating on her.

imagesCATJRD9J

Sheila is made fun of by her husband. He was awful to her.

She just *happens* to run into a good looking sheriff who miraculously thinks she is perfect for his perfect self (well he does tell her if she doesn’t like herself to change it but with him as motivation…)_MG_9793.CR2

He helps her to feel better about herself and even drop some pounds into the woman you see in the picture below (on far left)

12_300dpi

(uh…not in the real world sister….)

And at the end, she admits to her friends she’s happy and he works out with her and all is well in the world of fatness…

Bull.Shit (I don’t make fun of the movie as it was great…just the concept).

For me, none of those things are apparent in my life right now. I do try to cook meals at home.  Chicken, lean beef and steamed veggies because its not just me, its a kid I have to cook for to. And I will admit that fast food is the Devil’s food for me.

But its the exercise. I am just dormant. The motivation is not there and that is the key with me.

Also, I have the metabolism of a turtle. I realized there was a pattern. To lose weight, I needed to eat below 1000 calories a day (sometimes less) and do aerobic exercise at least 2 hours a day. I do not joke about that. When I lost the most weight, I was doing just that. My exercise regimens were brutal. I don’t have time for that right now. I’m so exhausted all I want to do is sleep.

I’m half way through my life and I realize these things about me:

I have never been one to “stop traffic” per say.

I have never been one to make a guy side glance.

I’m reminded of this scene in the movie Big Fish

Big_Fish

He sees her at the opposite end of a crowded circus tent

tumblr_mc0ojspkQe1qzjr35o1_500

Time stops for him, completely as she is the only thing that he sees in the whole room.

That will never happen to me. Even in my youth it was never going to happen. I never turned heads. Hell, even the husband I did get was probably to drunk to realize he was marrying an “ugly cow” and when he did realize he sure wasn’t slow in admitting it to my face he never loved me and thought I wasn’t physically appealing. (hence, the lack of sex as the marriage marched towards its end).

At this point in my life, I feel like I live with only one purpose. To make sure that the child God chose for me to take care of is fed, clothed, educated and taught right from wrong. I will just continue to do that as I realize that my good years are all gone.

I know that tons of women go through some of the examples I gave of when people were mean. I wished it wasn’t so.

Finally: The picture below was 13 years ago, I was 24. It was my wedding day, and what you see here is both hope and denial beaming from me. More of the latter, than the former.

Hope that all the red flags in the person I was about to marry were not really there.

And Denial, that the red flags weren’t really there.

Me on my wedding day – 155lbs

History of Me: The College Years

For two years of my life, (dubbed the “Crazy College Years”) I was at a private university called Ambassador University in Big Sandy, Texas.  It was owned and operated by the church I was affiliated with Worldwide Church of God (for more on that church view my entry here). It was my first time away from the parental units and my mother’s grasp.

I could narrow this whole entry of these two years of my life to three words:

I.went.nuts

I drank and drank and then drank some more. There were a lot of “locals” around there. Meaning people who lived in the city with a population of about 1000 who would party with us, those from the college.  We would all gather in the middle of the woods or go by Big Sandy Lake and burn big bon fires. I would smell like burnt wood when I woke up from those parties. We would take our empty beer bottles and throw them at the passing trains just to hear the glass shatter.

I lost my virginity during that time to a local who was also still a part of the church, in a tent during a windy night. It was not the best of memories but it is what it is.

I started smoking cigarettes which to this day ruined my singing voice. Operatic was my specialty and I have to strain a vocal cord to be able to do that now. In all honesty, that may not be because of my past smoking history but because I haven’t exercised the vocal cords at all.

I did beg my parents for a car during my 1st year and got it. A tiny little Honda CRX. I remember, at one point, I was the only driver and me, my boyfriend at the time and like 5 of his buddies squeezed into that CRX. If you don’t know the size of a CRX, it’s a small two-seater.

Honda CRX, except mine was grey and I called it Dopey (Photo from Wikipedia)

I was the shit because I had a car.  I had tons of friends. I had an enormous crush on a lovely white boy. This was after the boyfriend and I broke up because he was cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend.

I remember parties in empty houses where when I would walk in everyone would yell my name and drinks would flow aplenty. I  barely remember a lot of it through a smokey haze but I do remember some. Lots of doing pot and dancing and drinking. But its all just flashes and images now.

After the first year, a lot of people went their separate ways, the boy I was I had the crush on almost died from Meningitis (if you read the article, scroll down to the second story, that is him), I returned to a lot of loneliness.  I did end up meeting one friend, I have no idea of her whereabouts now, and we bonded fast. I also met a local who was not a part of the church the school was affiliated with. We hit it off pretty good. So good, that somewhere down this short relationship line, we got engaged.

It was a joke and I knew it. I was miles from my family, they didn’t even know. I was having unprotected sex (thank GOD I didn’t get pregnant) and I knew when I told my parents they would flip. I just figured I would stay in back woods Texas (uh..I’m a city girl born and raised in the Los Angeles area) and have this cowboys’ 5 children.

Well, I did go home and luckily, it all sorted itself out and there was no wedding. I did not stay in Texas. It wasn’t for me. But I had to learn the hard way. I was really naive.

As I look back a few things stick in my mind. One in particular is, drinking, of course.  But the other is rollerblading.

There were many times during this two years in Texas that I had nowhere to go. I was stuck in the dorms. I do remember I used to sit at the window sill of my dorm hall, looking out, waiting for someone to try up and invite me somewhere, anywhere. It was sad, but true.

lonely-woman-300x168

Most of the time, no one would come. So I would put on my roller blades, plug ABBA into my ears and jut blade back and forth on the side walk. I can still remember the feeling of doing it as I was never good at ice or roller skating. I liked going fast down the hill.

When I finally returned to California. I knew that chapter in my life was done and I had to move one. That was when I started City College full time while working two retail jobs.

I learned alot being out there. Anything related to college, was not part of anything I learned.

Can anybody out there interpret dreams?

Last night, I had a disturbing dream which involved a certain arachnid that you see pictured below, the Black Widow

Black Widow, courtesy of Wikipedia

I sure wished it was the Black Widow from The Avengers because I would take Natalia Romanova over this mini monster any day. But alas, this dream was not about a beautiful red-head but a deadly spider with a red hourglass. 

Note: I apologize for any of those who cringe at the picture I posted. I’m cringing just posting it but I needed visual to get my point across.

a-divider

The Dream: 

I don’t remember how it started. In fact a lot of it was hazy except the Black Widow part. This spider was HUGE. About as huge as the picture you see here….no, it was a lot bigger. It was so huge, I could see its fangs. The thing would not leave me alone. It kept biting me and in my dream, I could feel the pain of the bite.

However, I guess I was pulling it off quick enough each time to not give it time to inject its venom into me after each bite, because it bit me numerous times and I was still able to pull it off each time. It bit me on the hand, forearm, neck, forearm again. After pulling it off each time it would bite, it would pounce at me again like Super Ninja Spider. This thing hated me.

The last thing I remember is pulling it off with its fangs still in me (I could see its fangs IN my skin) and throwing it to my mother, who was also trying to get it off me. That was the end. 

a-divider

What is the significance of that? I assume the introduction of my mother trying to save me from the gargantuan Black Widow was the fact that, last night, before this dream, I confided in her my unwillingness to get up and go to work on Monday and being in a very bad state of depression that day. I was apprehensive about saying it but sometimes my lack of moral support leads me to just blurt out things which will, in turn, make me very vunerable.  The minute it came out of my mouth, I regretted. My mother tends to thrive on my vulnerability and uses it to either put me down or boast about how she never would have done something like that because she was the perfect mother….blah…blah…blah.

But she was not judgemental about it. In fact, her face showed, concern. She even admitted that she sometimes needed a day during raising myself, my sister and later my half-brother, to just rest and re-group. Whoa what? She actually was not Super Mom and admitted to being….wait for it…HUMAN?!

For once, in our relationship, I felt safe confiding in her and not cringing waiting for her put downs and judgements to start. It was just for that one moment though as I will not count on that happening again. I don’t trust her and still am vunerable with her knowing that I needed a break. I now get to see how long it takes before this is brought up again and used as a tool to put me down. It’s happened before, I wouldn’t be surprised.

But back to my lovely 8 legged friend. What the heck would make me dream of a super large Black Widow spider biting me, not just once  but multiple times and even targeting me for destruction? Maybe the apprehension I felt telling my mother something that would leave me vulnerable, as I was vulnerable to a 50 lb spider?

Or maybe this spider represented depression. I have not one person to confide in when I get into a state of depression. In terms of the dream, no one to tear the spider off and throw it to. No help with my inner “spider”.

Not my sister, she is to wrapped up in her own life of owning her condo and getting her degree to even offer an hour of her time to help me move boxes.

Not my father, I could never confide in him or even have a conversation with him in the past due to him asserting the “I am the authority ” role if I had an opinion other than his own. I just never tried to talk to him much. And now that alzheimer’s is setting in making him inable to speak a full sentence or remember anything past 5 minutes, I keep our interactions to a minimum.

And never my mother, she would throw my weakness back in my face with an example of how wonderful a mother she was and I just have to turn away because she has a MUCH different view of my childhood as it was not wonderful at all.

I know one thing is for sure. Whatever that spider represented, it was something that should be small (as a spider is small) yet, it was portrayed as something rather larger (as it was 5 times as big in my dream than a real spider should be).

That’s a bit frightening.

I can only rely on myself

I had a conversation with my mother on Wednesday afternoon which concluded with her bringing my dad and their SUV to help me move some 50+ boxes.

I should have known better.

I texted her earlier today to bring water when she came by but low and behold….she forgot. No, she didn’t forget the water. She forgot entirely that she was supposed to come over. Oh but she sure didn’t forget to record The Walking Dead on her DVR for my sister. Sometimes being the non-favorite daughter is maddening.

So, not only did she forget about coming over to  help me today  but she forgot the whole conversation we had on Wednesday. She then proceeded to blamed me because I have a busy schedule.

This is why I never ask for help and blame myself for thinking I can.

So now I am staring at the realization that I have 50+ boxes to move with my little VW Jetta.

I actually just moved about 40 boxes with a dolly and trips back and forth between the apartments. (I’m only moving from one unit to another in the same apartment complex)

I need a drink….

I guess I should ask Eeyore to help me move. I would probably get a better response from him.

No wonder I trust no one on this planet. I can’t even trust my own family.

Maybe Eeyore will help me move into my new apartment

I have boxes stacked all over my apartment. They are going up the walls, stacked high. I have not received one offer of help from anyone in my family.

Well, I lied. I realized that I could not physically move the big items such as my dining table, hutch, beds, and entertainment center. So I got my mother to ask her cousin if her son can help with the big items in 2 weeks. He was enticed with the offer of cash, which is no problem. He’s a good kid and always willing to work odd jobs for a few bucks. I respect that.

However, the boxes and all the little random items that are in shelves, cabinets and closets are all getting moved by myself and my 9 year old.

I’m so physically exhausted and a bit disappointed that neither my sister nor parents have offered one bit to help. Granted, the offer of help was mentioned in passing. Something along the lines of “oh we will help you with you the pathfinder (SUV) to move all the boxes.” But then my aunt’s funeral came around and I was put on the back burner, as is the normal process of my life.

Now, please don’t get me wrong. I am in no way blaming the funeral of my aunt. That was a hard loss for all of us. What I am saying is that this is always how it happens. I’m next in line to get SOME kind of attention from anyone in my family or anyone in general, then something else, of higher importance takes over. Whether it be a funeral, wedding or just my sister demanding for me to help her hook up with someone she had a huge crush on 8 years ago, through Facebook. Oh I helped her do that but never, in the process of helping her, did she offer to help me.

This is just the way my life has gone. I have never felt important to anyone. Not even my own mother. Everytime I call her, some random person in her family or something is pulling her attention away from the few moments I get. This could be selfish thinking on my part, I know. But it just seems that something is always more important that me in regards to the people who are supposed to love me.

a-divider

imagesCA6XTF4FThis may be why Eeyore is the 1st on a list of 4 of my favorite Disney characters. I can relate to Eeyore and the plight that he goes through. Eeyore is known for walking around with a dark, rainy cloud constantly following him and raining on him. He lives in his Gloomy Place in the Hundred Acre Wood.

He builds his house of sticks which gets knocked down by Winnie the Pooh  and Piglet because they thought his house was just a plain old pile of sticks (Metaphor: His belongings are not deemed important). Of course Pooh and Piglet re-built Eeyore’s Stick house. How nice of them.

I’ve connected with this character for as long as I can remember. My pin trading obsession started with a little Eeyore glittery pin. Then I decided I wanted every single Eeyore plushie on the planet and tried to achieve that:

Eeyores

Above is a photo of all my Eeyores and that photo is many years old. Granted, the obsession got expensive and I had to put my collection to a halt but it did grow after this photo. Those Eeyores are now in a plastic bag in my closet. I will take them out again some day. I do have my favorites still near me though.

I have been made fun of, per say, because of my “gloom” and “why does it always have to happen to me” attitude. I will admit, I have not taken on this attitude in a while as I try very hard, as of late, to remain positive and focused. But each bout of depression gets harder and harder to climb out of. The hole it resides in gets deeper and deeper and I find I’m clawing my way just to reach the light at the surface, only to be punched down again by some unseen circumstance or the utter feeling of loneliness.

I’m exhausted and tired. I’ve read of people being hospitalized because of actual physical exhaustion, but it is my heart that might get me hospitalized because my heart, is so tired. I don’t mean heart attack type tired. I just feel like its dormant, stagnant. Just there to keep me alive.

However, I definantly can’t be lying in a hospital. I have a kid to take care of.  I have to go to work or The Boy starves because I am the only bread-winner in our little family. I have to get up and keep the house or The Boy lives in squalor because there is no one else around to clean up for him. That kind of pressure is enough to make one collapse with guilt.

So just like Eeyore, I am still here. However, above me is the dark, gloomy and rainy cloud which constantly rains down its sorrows. I never see the sunshine. I don’t know the love of anyone special. I am alone and can only show The Boy how to NOT end up, as an Eeyore.

Hello darkness….my old friend…

Sadness, grief, regret.

So much regret.

I just found an old boyfriend on Facebook, someone I had been looking for, for a while. He is married, JUST married and now that ONE decision I made almost 13 years ago hit me so hard I burst into tears. Tears so hard that they stung my eyes. I’ve cried so much no more is coming out.

As I mentioned before, I am divorced, 9 years ago. The man I married, then divorced was one of two men I could have chosen.  He never loved me, he said that himself. He never even wanted to get married.

Needless to say I did not choose wisely.

Who was the other man you might ask?

Well the one I found FB just moments ago, married, smiling happily with his wife in their little profile photo.

Me? I’m all alone…not one friend. So fat and ugly that no one would care a snit about me.

This is the moment when I say fuck my life.

There is a moment, a split second when you realize everything won’t be ok. The “God has a plan” really seems like a bald face lie told by people who just don’t want to hear you whining anymore. Oh really? Then God’s plan is to ensure that I live the next 40+ years in the utter darkness of Lonelyville? Really? Then He can take me now…I’ll pass on that life.

There is no “plan” for the future. Just loneliness. A long dark road heading straight to loneliness.

Sometimes, I go back in time

Sometimes, I go back in time with my thoughts.

When I was younger, I adored The Cranberries. (This reminds me I must get their newest album). I worshiped them from about 17 years old. Their lead singer, Dolores O’Riordan, had a booming strong voice. The album cover pictured above was the first album of theirs I ever owned and had Linger on it. That song made me realize…I could sing. I idolized this little woman’s voice and her energy on stage.

I still listen and sing to The Cranberries CD’s in my car. Then the thoughts and memories run rampant.

My best friend, Michelle,  bravely battled cancer for 10 years, from age 19 until she lost her battle to it, at age 29.

Yes, 29.

I was there the moment she passed and it was, truly a miraculous experience to see the soul actually leave someone’s body and the body become just an empty shell. That is the only way that I can explain it.

She shared my love for The Cranberries. I went to their concert when I was 24 in Los Angeles and she was supposed to go with me, but she was already full into her cancer and constantly was sick from the medications so at the last minute, she couldn’t go. I ended up going with my husband at the time.

I love singing to The Cranberries in my car. I love remembering the posters I had of them in concert above my bed in my dorm room when I was in college that showed how vibrant and how much fun Dolores was on stage. I remember how young I was when I adored them. How much I wanted to be in a band and just sing my heart out while three handsome men played behind me.

I do not like how, sometimes listening to those songs, makes me miss my best friend so damn much. She would have gone on adventures with me to this day if her body had allowed her. She was always so adventuresome. And we shared our forever adoration and love for The Cranberries.

My favorite songs, to date, from The Cranberries were Zombie and Ridiculous Thoughts (posted below) featuring a very young Elijah Wood, pre-Frodo days.

Sometimes, I go back in time and I miss my youth. I miss the people I knew in my youth for I will never see some of those people again and it is with regret and sadness that I look back.

I will forever love The Cranberries though.

Each moment brings me closer out of this nightmare…

The stress level went from about a 6 to a 10 somewhere between 7am and 10am.

I’m already unnerved about the boy being on a Whale Watching field trip with his school. I’m sorry, but thinking of my crazy “bounce off the walls, LITERALLY” son on a boat in the middle of the ocean…does not sit well with me.

But no phones calls of disaster and it’s 2:30 in the afternoon so I think I can relax a bit.

The other stress maker was this move from one unit in my apartment complex to another. The hoops I’m having to jump through! *sigh* But its necessary I guess. Anyway, it just means I’m this much closer to getting settled into the new unit and this 2 month nightmare will be over! I still have to cancel all my utilities and set up the new ones. And by the Grace of God I was allowed to have the first month’s rent waived for the new unit since I’m a transfer and not coming in off the street. So the money stress part of it should be okay.

But ugh…. the fact that my life is all in boxes all around my house. And the cleaning!  I’m going to try and get that done within the next week or so to. I mean, I don’t keep a messy house at all but I will be cleaning top to bottom to get as much of my original deposit as I can. However, I doubt it since the carpet is a lost cause.  The boy spilled one to many glasses of orange juice.

But in all reality, I do love the apartment community I’m living in.  I think that is why I decided to stay and transfer to another fresh clean unit than just move out of the community entirely. The leasing office is super nice in answering all my questions and its rare you get customer service worth a till in anything lately. Kudos for them 🙂

I think my main stress is the moving part. Granted, I’m only moving literally feet from one unit to the other but its getting it all in boxes, getting beds disasembled and getting it settled into the new place. Oh and the cleaning. All of this, being done all by myself.

No I take that back. I can’t move my china hutch and dining room table by myself (I sold the sofa and will be getting a new one once I move in) so I got my cousins to help me with that in a few weeks. But everything else, I do myself.

But…this to shall pass…and I am glad to be moving into a fresh new unit.

Loneliness

I would like to take a step back and discuss loneliness.

I’m 36, as I think I’ve said before and 20 years ago I never would have imagined I would be as lonely in my current life as I am now. I mean, I know I have the boy and he’s great. But I have no friends.

And by NO friends I mean NOT ONE SINGLE friend. I mean, I have people online I talk to but they aren’t friends you call up and say “hey come over for dinner and lets play cards” or something like that.

I have ZERO friends.

It is sad really. And I’m kinda embarrassed to admit this. I don’t know of a single person who has not one friend. Now I did have friends in my past. One in particular, my best friend, the one who would have come over to play cards with me, died in 06 when we were 29 after her 10 year battle with cancer. (Screw that disease).

So the only friend that would have been that one true friend, which is what I was meant to have, died. Next in line was a husband who hated me, hence, was an a-hole to me, hence, the divorce was not far after the wedding. So I wasn’t going to have a husband/best friend there.

Then I became a mother and I just threw myself into being a mother kinda the way one can throw themselves into a bottle of bourbon. To forget.

I was trying to forget the fact that I had not one single friend.

9 years into motherhood and I still am stuck in the reality that I have not one single friend.

This makes me a sad panda and some days increases the depression.

However, on another note, I have noticed that because I’m a “plain jane” (I have trouble with makeup as it burns my eyes, same as contacts) I don’t attract anyone, but more specifically males as they are pretty much all about looks and rarely look past the cover.

*sigh* oh well

Look! There are my Marbles!

Friday is here. Just like any other Friday I guess.

I sip my coffee at my desk, then realize…I waited to long, its cold and into the microwave it goes. That happens a lot.

I have been VERY absent minded lately and I don’t like that because it is way out of my character. I am usually on top of everything going on with me, the boy and my schedule, on my 5 different calendars. (no joke…I have 5 active non-electronic calendars, meaning they are actual paper calendars).

I have an apartment move to make, I have a mini road trip next weekend and Seaworld, I have a birthday party to plan…I have lost my marbles!

Oh wait..there they are….

Moving on…I will be seeing Oz the Great and Powerful this evening.

????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

The boy really wants to see this and that is not like him. Last movie we saw in the theatres was Avengers and he barely made it through that one. He can’t really sit still for that long in a theatre. Although, we did watch Wreck it Ralph at the drive-in. That was a bit better for him. If he wasn’t traumatized by my car battery dying and him thinking that we were stuck at the drive-in for all of the rest of our living days.

Yeah, the boy is a Drama King

…..you can blame my genes for that.

So our servers are all down at my office today and I’m stuck…well doing nothing. Literally, I can do nothing but my box of shredding which is done. All my work is done on the computer and if the servers are down, all files and drives are inaccessible. Hence, I do nothing.

So I’m on my phone looking at my FB when I see a link to this: Best Marriage Proposal ever!

Seriously, how does someone love someone SO much to do something like THIS! I’m definitely not knocking it. I just find it hard to believe that this kind of gallantry exists. I know the one man I did get to marry me never loved me. And I never ventured out after that because that whole disaster just tore my heart and the hopes of ever finding any male to love me flew right out the window.  I gave up on that a long time ago.  Hence, I’ve lived a lonely non-relationship life for the past 10 years and counting.

But one thing I CAN do is teach the boy that, if you love someone THAT much and it feels right in your gut…you will want to do the video above. I know that I did not have any good gut feelings when I got married, and they were correct because my gut knew that man didn’t love me. All I had was hope that my gut was wrong..but really when are the gut feelings EVER wrong.

So learn that my boy! Trust the gut! Oh and keep the gut small because apparently humans are VERY visual and can see nothing past the cover of the book. Another reason why, I have been non-relationship for the past 10 years and probably will for the next…oh rest of my life.

Plain Jane’s get left in the dust….

Come….follow me down the rabbit hole…

So I am gathering a following….tell me my friends…do you pick blue or red?

Blue or Red?

Red? Ok…here we go…

I’m a single mother, 36, so everything you see posted here, the hockey games, skating, Universal Studios visits, Disneyland visits, I do all by myself with the boy.

The boy is my son, he is 9.

I work Monday – Friday 8-5 at an office.

I do not have a husband as the last one I had and divorced 9 years ago not only confessed he never loved me (why did he marry me then?) but has never wanted to see his son. He hasn’t seen him since he was 1 year old….no Christmas cards, no birthday cards…do not pass go….do not collect $200. The father of my child can rot in hell for all I care.

BUT I love my child and that is the only thing that I thank his father for…nothing else.

Sometime, I just want to sit in front of my computer playing World of Warcraft and eating pizza….I do the former…the latter…I must stop because I’m trying to lose weight.

Any other questions just ask!

When I realized…I don’t

So I saw this from my FaceBook feed today

GI Joe Movie/Real Heroes

And people can send in their pictures of their own real heroes. Great photos, some have their parents or someone in the military.

Then I thought, I have not ONE hero, well that is human and personal to me, like a parent or sibling or something. I guess I have God but no one human or in my life.

This thought made me sad. I really look up to no one in my life nor hold anyone in high esteem.

Sheesh, I hope my son gets a hero in his life because realizing I don’t have one was depressing.

Happy Friday!

Epiphany time…

It hit me ….what i’m feeling. Its the feeling of not having ANYTHING to look forward to. I guess that would be in the same boat as Hopelessness.

I have no friends, I’m the biggest I’ve ever been in my life and I just go to work, pick up the boy, go home, go to bed, and repeat.

Its pathetic. My life could have been SO much more different, if I just made ONE…just ONE choice different.

Hello, Loneliness…please have a seat

Sometimes, Lonely and his friends Sadness and Pain come to join me. I try to close my door to them but they shove their way in like theives in the night.

I find it so amusing that when I think back of myself at aged 24, Bride at a wedding, in a marriage that I knew would end of divorce…I don’t know who that woman was!

So I feel I should welcome my new friends. I mean, I did kind of bade them to come in…if I had made better choices. They would find someone else to bother.

But my Pastor says one is never lonely with Jesus by their side. I welcome Jesus to. He may be better company, in fact I know that He is better company.

Color me Selfish

So, I must be the queen of the kingdom of selfish.

I don’t think I agree that one should neglect getting to know others because they get distracted or won’t step away from the game. And that is coming from an avid gamer!! If I had the option of getting to know a wonderful person and potentially ending my lonely nights of crying, I would take the TIME to try.

I try so hard to be positive and attentive when in a conversation but its always over looked.

I have so much joy and fun to offer someone but, I fear I will never be able to give it.

Will always be alone

I just recently had the epiphany that I will never ever find love. I believe a person like me either doesn’t deserve it or just can’t have it.

It was a terrible thing to realize when it did finally hit me…so terrible that if I had a gun in my hand..the despressional state this realization put me in would have sent me over the edge and I wouldn’t have been typing this.

I’m still getting over realizing it.

oh there you are, sanity!

Today, I got up from crying and walking 2 hours on the streets from devastation and came back to this place where I’m supposed to finish my 2 weeks. Then be thrown back out into the world of searching for a job.

I came in and did not but send out my resume and look for a job. I don’t understand why they want me for two weeks just so I can sit here and use their internet but oh well.

I have a few routes that look a little better than my last bout with being jobless. But still it is enough to make me be done with it all.