You are beautiful

No, maybe you are not.

Maybe there is just something so ugly about you that everyone around you is enjoying the company of others while you drown alone in a sea of black.

I was just told by my boss, who is going through a nasty divorce anhump-day-inspiration-100813-04d who is not even a year separated, has a girlfriend. He volunteered this information to me as it really isn’t my direct business but he’s a sharer.  This is a man 8 years older than me and just fresh from a divorce.

Apparently, I’m an Elephant Beast.

I left my job for the day in tears off to a weekend of loneliness.  It’s been 15 years almost to the day since my divorce and I haven’t even had so much as a glance from anyone of the opposite sex.  Just random hook ups which is not the same.  Even when I lost 70 lbs….I was nothing to anyone.

So why the title?

Well, it’s simple. That phrase is something I have never, nor will ever hear anyone tell me in my entire life.

Because I’m not as the title suggest. I’m just….The Nothing.

Advertisements

To watch someone fight his love for me….

fighting20with20love20-20small20logoIt is exactly as it says.  I can literally see him struggle with the fact that he is fully in love with me in his heart and mind, yet denies it on the outside.  He is cold, distant, throws my girly emotional “I miss you’s” back in my face.

But there are little things he does, things he says. Actions that tell me, in his heart he feels he must stay in touch

But the last I spoke to him was  5 days ago, when his cold reactions to my love was the last straw.  I understand on the outside, someone may think this looks like I’m seeing something that isn’t there but really, that isn’t the case.  Something in my heart….in my soul tells me he fights his love for me.  He is battling his own World War 3 in his own heart and soul.

Ultimately, it makes me sad.  If he would just give into what he feels for me, we could actually, possibly throw away our horrible past and create a new future.  We could be parents to our son.  We could love each other as a family.

But he won’t, or maybe he can’t , or maybe he just doesn’t want to.  Whatever the case, I’m tired of being tossed around by his emotional resistance and 5 days ago I said just this….

“You have broken my heart for the last fucking time, you asshole….”

And I was done.

I have to be honest with myself

I have had the weekend to think over this situation and to make my final analysis of it.  I’ve given the scenario to persons that are both personally biased (my mother and sister) and personally un-biased (my co-worker and my sister’s friend) and all of them have come to the same conclusion.

WTF!

While I sat in Church on Sunday I realized, once again, that everything being said, all the points being made, were relating to me or so I wanted them to be.  It was based on Titus and what Christians should do while waiting for Jesus to return.  The main points were that we should continue to bring as many as we can to Christ THROUGH our works and the way we live our lives.  And by that, I do not mean Bible Beating…if anyone has read my blog enough they will know that, yes, I am a Christian and believe in God, yes I am also human and will get mad at God sometimes only to realize that it was I who needed to change my perspective, but most certainly, NO I will not bible beat you with my beliefs to get you to understand.

This made me think. “The way we live our lives”.  I know after my long history with religion (Not GOD, but RELIGION. Remember God and religion are NOT one and the same), I’ve come to be VERY intolerant of those who say “I go to church and I am a Christian” yet live such questionable lives.

It’s a very slippery slope for my own walk.  I most certainly do not want to come off judgmental because Lord knows I’m no Angel myself.  I also don’t want to come off that I think I’m a better “Christian” than any other Christian.  Yet, the Bible tells us to act as disciples of Christ IN OUR DAILY LIFE (2 Peter 1:5) and I know I try to do that by resisting temptation and such but when someone says “I go to church” and then thinks it’s ok to be in a committed relationship yet have women on the side, whether to “play” with or just be friends with, I want to rescue them.

However, I have chosen to run from it.  Our light shines through OUR ACTIONS.  I hope that my action of stating to him I do not condone that behavior nor do I want to have my impressionable son think that it is ok to behave that way or that I condone that behavior by remaining his friend.  I would like to show this man the error of his ways in proclaiming he is a Christian yet not living as we are told in the Bible to live, as Christians. (Again, not wanting to be judgmental as I struggle daily with being human and making mistakes).

My decision was not to confront him but to let that action speak for itself and it’s in God’s hands now.

I had hoped that my action of being the first female to not accept being a “friend” to someone who is in a committed relationship, shines as a light and not as a Bitch.  He did ignore me completely this morning and that is actually totally fine as I was going to cut off interactions with him.  However, I had hoped that maybe he would have said “Wow, no woman I’ve run into has ever made the move she did…I wonder what she is about and what makes her think like that”.  I say that not because I want to BE in a relationship with him because regardless, I never could.  I would just want him to see maybe why he may be having so much trouble in his current life with his kids’ mother, and with the school calling CPS on him and the problems that his daughter has.  The correlation between his current life struggles and his current life choices are astounding when you step back and look at it.

Doesn’t respect his committed relationship—> Gets CPS called on him by teachers from the school

Just “warming” a seat in a church —> Problems with kids and ex-wife (both mentally and emotionally)

Now, this thinking does not EVER imply that I don’t have my share of problems due to whatever reason, but I have found that when I keep myself on the right path and resist temptation, suddenly, money is in my bank account or my kid gets a good grade on a test in school.

However, when I start to give in to temptation and stray, suddenly my account goes into the minus and my kid falters in his schoolwork. These are just examples.

Another amazing personal example is my weight loss.  I have been on the yo-yo since I can remember but this is the FIRST time I’ve actually been able to lose weight, on my own (no Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers) and have not gained it ALL back yet.  Usually by this time in the weight loss game (I’m at 5 months on October 4th), I would have given up and gained it all back plus more.  Not only is that NOT happening but the weight keeps coming off.  Why is that? Because I decided that it wasn’t for looks or to catch the eye of someone (although that does come with the territory).  It was mainly because my body is a Temple and in ALL the walks in our life we should respect God.  That includes food and drink and what we put into our bodies.  I’m sure gluttony was not a favorite thing for God to see me doing.

I also quit smoking to, even if I did only smoke occassionally.

So what is it that I have to be honest with myself about, as the title suggests?  After all, I am a Sagittarius and as such, I must remain honest.  Ha!

fdfba5da6acb9d52046c67ccc0981315

Well, that is simply this:

I really don’t think a relationship is just in the cards for me at this time or even in the near future.  I just can’t stomach putting The Boy through a possible unsuccessful relationship after he may have developed his own relationship with the man.

I also can’t stomach the possible dangers I put The Boy in by not knowing a person and not knowing what he’s like.  I had been interacting with this last person on and off, daily through random “hello’s” and “how are you’s” at the kids’ school and such since the summer time.  Yet, he was as deceitful as ever.

A Facebook friend (also a male), when I posted this story on my FB, asked me not to judge all men based on a couple of assholes and I responded that I won’t.

However, I am just kidding myself with that response.  As much as I really REALLY don’t want to, by default, I will.  Maybe I won’t JUDGE, in the sense of the word, but I will damn sure be very caution of any male that comes along and that may result in me pushing them all away for any little reason.  I’m just being honest with myself.

thCANKBF1KOf course, I am a bit shaded after all this.  After 10 YEARS of no dating or being in a relationship, since my divorce,  I step out of my box and this happens.  I let one wall down and after all this, 5 more walls came right up in its place and that is probably how it’s going to be for the next 10 years.  I can’t put not only my heart at risk, but my kids’ to.

So, my conclusion is that I will not be pursuing men anymore.  My lack of trust in them is way to deep right now.  Yet, my lack of trust for humans in general is the main culprit.  I’m just going to concentrate on getting my kid to adulthood and continuing to get myself into better health.

That is it and that is all.

NOTHING tastes as good as this feels….

I swear, in all my years, I thought I could never get over the fact that I could eat a whole chocolate cake by myself.  It was like there was nothing better than the taste of food and sweets.

I have found what is better.  This feeling, is far better than any chocolate.  This feeling is far better than any cheeseburger.  By “this” I mean my Mojo.

I had mentioned before about the single father of a girl in The Boy’s class.  We drop the kids off at the same time just about every morning and sometimes we pick them up at the same time in the afternoon.

Since school started in the 1st week in August, we have just been parental ships passing by each other just about every day.  I noticed no ring on his finger and never saw a woman dropping the kids off.  His daughter is in The Boy’s class and I found out from him that she has no mother living with them and lives only with her dad and younger brother.

Doesn’t THAT sound very familiar? It was then, I started giving him a “Good Morning” along with some smiles.  It was also then that I stopped putting my hair in a “librarian” bun on the top of my head every day and makeup, started appearing on my face.  All the while, I’m dropping more and more weight, yet gaining more and more Mojo.

(As a side note, I would like to remind all that I have not dated (seriously) nor been in a relationship since my divorce 9 years ago.  So in essence, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.)

piglet-1Moving on, yesterday, I found us at the sign in book, together.  He was waiting for me to sign The Boy out.  He hands me a pen and I say “thanks” (almost inaudibly) and never really make eye contact.  It was then I realized that my shyness could seriously come off as snobbery which is FAR from what I am like at all.  I’m just shyer than Piglet in his own movie!

This must change.

Last night, I told myself that if he happens to be there when I drop off The Boy the next morning, I would make a point to say hello, make eye contact and introduce myself as The Boy’s mother and confirm he is the father of the girl in The Boy’s class.  I would also take it as a sign from God if he happens to be there as sometimes, our paths do not cross on certain mornings.

Thusly, this morning, I got dressed and left at the normal time, got to school to drop The Boy off and noticed as I was pulling into the parking lot, there it was…his white mini van (yes, he drives a mini van).  He is no where to be seen however.  I pull up and park right next to it.

Hmmm……

I get out and look up, there he comes.  Timing couldn’t have been MORE perfect.  We literally cross paths as I’m getting out of my car and he is getting into his.  I do as I promised myself.  I say hello, say that his daughter is in my son’s class.  He asks something of The Boy that I didn’t really hear because I had the sun shining in my eyes and I was trying to commit to making eye contact but avoid the sun burning my eyes out of their sockets.  Now that I think of it, I don’t even think The Boy heard because he never answered him.  Anyway, I smiled, then told him I felt I should at least introduce myself since we’ve been crossing paths just about every day since early August and our children are in the same class.  I gave him my name, he gave me his (with a smile) and we parted as I told him to have a great day.

The best part of this interaction was that he was not rushed to leave my presence.  He was making eye contact and talking and he even interacted with The Boy (a HUGE plus).  If he hadn’t been rushed to get to work, it could have turned into a full fledged conversation, I believe.

Overall, it was a very positive interaction and I’m hoping it opened the gates for more interactions in the future, whether it be small talk in the morning because we are needing to get to work or a bit lengthy on a Friday afternoon when there really isn’t anywhere to get to.

Regardless of whatever outcome happens, the whole thing broke down a few walls that I’ve built around myself.  That is for sure.

However, I know that this will probably lead no where and I wouldn’t be surprised nor disappointed if it didn’t but, it is still good to know that after many years of wallowing in my fat and psychological defeat, I can win my confidence back.  In the very least, this situation has shown me that.

I will continue with the smiles and small talk every day with him as much as I can.  I will continue to run my heart out on the treadmill and lose another 45 pounds.  I will continue to put makeup on daily and putting the great smelling Jasmine leave in conditioner in my hair which makes it look like silk in the wind.

Who knows what the future holds?  But what I do know is that no chocolate cake or cheeseburger EVER tasted as good as the smile on my face driving to work this morning felt.  Regardless of the outcome, that feeling was WINNING!

Also, should I wonder that his name just happens to be one of my favorite names of all time?  I won’t put it here but it starts with a B.

sign_from_god

Hmmm..maybe that little “finger” I gave to God, woke Him up?

I got a “Good Morning”

For the love of embarrassment, I feel like a 16 year old school girl.

th

Remember the father that I mentioned who drops off his kids the same time as I drop off The Boy?  Each and every day we pull up to the before school care at the exact same time.  This morning, I actually got a “Good Morning” from him.

It doesn’t matter that I was the one who initiated the first “Good Morning” as we passed each other in the doorway  but hey, since he has never said a word to me ever, at least I got a response.

I’m so laughing at myself right now.  I’m sure he doesn’t find me remotely interesting or has a girlfriend but I must say that the loss of 40 extra pounds REALLY helps me feel better even if that is the case.  Now, if I can just keep my perseverance up to lose the next 40 pounds, maybe I’ll get more than just a “Good Morning” from him or anyone else!

Here’s to hoping!!

keep-calm-and-fingers-crossed-5

Maybe it’s not the weight?

I can’t even get a date with a 400 lb guy from match.com.  Let me explain a bit what I mean by this.

I have just been getting the feeling that maybe it isn’t the weight that was keeping me “unattractive”.  What the weight was doing was forcing me into an early grave.  I was looking at a future with diabetes (runs in the family), and I could barely breath or move quickly.

When I start to think about this I think of the phrase that goes something like this “weight can be lost but you can’t lose ugly.”

Apparently, that is the tagline to my life.

Man A

Referring back to the date with the 400 lb guy.  I will admit, I was desperate for some human interaction that wasn’t with my kid or my family.  So I contacted a guy I had met on match.com about 2 years ago.  When I met him then, there really wasn’t any connection at all but I let it continue and we have been interacting every once in a while over the past two years so it wasn’t really out of the blue that I contacted him.  I just asked if he wanted to go get a drink or something.  He agreed, only to text me the day before that he had to cancel, reason unknown.

Man B

There is a father that I’ve seen every day when I drop off The Boy at school in the morning.  He drops off his daughter, who is also in The Boy’s class, and his son.  We sign the in/out sheet at the same time just about every morning.  He’s dressed in business office attire so I’m making the assumption he works in an office type environment.  I have seen no ring on his finger as just yesterday morning, I was able to get a good look because we both reached for the same pen to sign the in/out sheet (he has some amazing smooth white hands to, I’m a sucker for soft hands).  I’ve also never seen the kids dropped off by a mother/woman.  On the flip side, I know men don’t wear wedding rings much anymore and the mother could work early mornings.a-secret-crush

Still, this man I find SUPER and secretly, attractive.

The reason I mention this man I run into every morning at The Boy’s school is because it made me think.  If I can’t even get a 400 lb short ugly guy who has a part time fast food job and lives with his grandmother (Man A), to go out with me, what makes me think that this man who is good looking and obviously has a job at an office (Man B), or any others in his category, would give me the time of day?

I thought that my body and the fat was the problem but as of lately, that isn’t the problem anymore because I have shaped up rather nicely.  I think it’s my Plain Jane looks.  I have been thinking of trying out different things.  I spend a lot of money on the natural beer based shampoo that does wonders for my hair, along with the conditioner.  I’m making an appointment with the eye doctor in hopes that I can get my eyes used to contacts again (although I’m not hopeful since they itch every time I use them) because I think wearing glasses takes away from my face.  I’m even going to get eye lash extensions because I actually can’t wear makeup (eyeliner, mascara, etc.) which I am also allergic to.  Well, either allergic or it just irritates my eyes so that they water incessantly and I can’t keep the makeup from running all over.

This all just seems like so much work and money.  I have never been one to put a lot of work and money into things like eyelash extensions, hair straighten and the like.  I just wished that I could just drop this weight and be done, but apparently there is more to it.

Now don’t get me wrong.  It’s not like I don’t have the proper hygiene regimen.  I really just don’t like the “foo-foo” aspects of being a women.  I don’t have a closet full of high heels and short skirts nor do I shop at Sephora.

I’m just a Plain Jane and apparently Plain Jane’s don’t get Man B and from how things are going with me, not even Man A (refer above).

It could also be my personality.  I really don’t take much B.S. and sometimes say it like it is but not in a disrespectful way.  Let me create this analogy:

I’m like that mean barking snarling dog that is lying in the middle of a ditch with their leg broken and is being approached by a human.  The dog is in pain and seeing this strange human coming towards them.  The dog is going to bark and snap because the dog doesn’t know that the human is trying to save her.

The human gets a hold of the dog, but not after the dog might have snapped at him, maybe even drew blood.  The human calms the dog with treats, toys, soft scratching behind the ears.  The dog is now calm and the human can attend to the dogs wounds.

The dog heals and is the humans’ most loyal, loving and attached companion, fighting only for the human who never leaves their side.  In return, the human showers love and affection on the dog. Forever and ever and EVER!cute-puppy-pictures-true-love

That is me in a nutshell.

Or maybe that is my fairy tale?

Regardless, it could very well be that many men just simply do not want to get past the first stage of this analogy, the snapping dog.

This is all so sad because I know I have so much to give and I’m dying inside.

Oh my little darling….

So, my kid walks up to me this morning just as we were leaving, kinda teary eyed. The conversation went like this:

Me: what is wrong?

Him: The glue smudged on your valentine card….*sniff*

Me: aww..let me see it…

He then hands it to me and to my eyes….All I see is perfection….

It now sits on my corkboard at work.