Time is a cruel thing

As I reach the mid of my 40th year on this Earth, I realize that youth is no more.  I could still feel those rare remnants of it in my late 20’s or maybe I just didn’t recognize that time was marching on because I was stuck in the drama that was my life.  I did still feel it in my mid-thirties but that was due to weight loss.  I’m fat again never to be thin like I was 3 years ago due to many different health reasons, so youth….is disappearing.

20120422-142821My body is failing me.  I will soon be developing either degenerative disc disease or arthritis in my spine which pretty much keeps me from any of the weight lifting and hardcore cardio on the elliptical I did 3 years ago.  My thyroid is shutting down causing said fatness and I feel like an ugly round butter bean.  I was on such a high, 3 years ago. But the higher you climb, the harder you fall and psychically, I fell long and hard with no sight of getting back to where I was in sight

I only have memories, memories of a time where I could breathe, literally.  Memories of when I could smile.  I could smile even THROUGH the vast loneliness that consumed me, even while looking my best.

Youth is gone…..

I was just told by my mother a few days ago that the Frontal Temporal Disease my father of 64 had, is now full fledged Alzheimer’s.  This is something that began developing when he was 57…..57!   His brain, after a recent scan and compared to the last scan done 3 years ago, shows the signs of dark voids that most MRI scans of Alzheimer patients will show.

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Not the actual scan but this is a good comparison

This both pisses me off and makes me sad.  My father has done nothing but work and work and work to stay with my mother, to uphold her standards of living, to keep us, since I was a child 40 years ago.  He didn’t divorce or leave her because he didn’t want to lose my sister and I as he lost his two children before from his previous marriage. Now I won’t claim to know all the reasoning behind his life with her. I only know what I see on the outside. And granted, his previous wife was a bitch from hell and took his kids (my older brother and sister) but that is neither here nor there.

His quality of life is no longer.  His youth is most definitely gone.  He can no longer speak or interact.  He does not react well to being outside his room where he just sits and watches T.V.  As of lately, it seems his brain can’t process small types of crisis such as, “I have the slight urge to go to the bathroom but I’m not dying” but his brain says “if I don’t go to the bathroom now, I’ll lose my mind and wail and scream“….the wailing and screaming he is starting to do more. That is very hard to see.  My mother, is diving into a pool of depression and frustration that she really isn’t becoming a good caretaker and the burden falls on my sister and I, but mostly my sister, who is starting to lose her own mind.  I sense that especially after a tear filled weeping conversation I had with her on the phone.  That is abnormal because this is a person who NEVER shows emotion and when I mean never…I mean…I have NEVER seen her cry past maybe once or twice in her 35 years of life.  The weight my mother puts on her/us and then how she repays us with ugly words and treating us like crap….I have little respect for her, very little.  She gave me life….and that is the extent of the decency I will show her.

I sometimes wonder, if this is God’s cruel idea of a joke

Happy Birth…aw shut the f*&% up!

54174145Today is my birthday but really, I could care less.  Later today, I will be forced to stand in front of a cake while my co-workers sing Happy Birthday.  I want to do what I have done at all my other jobs and that is completely skip this day, as far as cake and singing goes.  But these people won’t allow that.  I’m not mad really.  I just wished this day would go by without recognition.  For the most part it does. I don’t have my birthday set on my Facebook so I don’t get those millions of “happy birthday from the person who you don’t even know in real life!” on my Facebook feed.67017502

The truth is, I’ve never acknowledged this day since about 15 years ago because my whole  life I’ve never been acknowledged or noticed by anyone anyway.  As of lately, I can’t even have a conversation with my mother and/or sister not just because I really only tolerate them and their constant negativity but because they really don’t allow others to speak in the conversation. It’s nothing but talking over everyone else and interrupting.  It becomes a narcissistic type of conversation where what THEY have to say is the only thing that matters.  It is actually quite rude and I’m sick of it.  So I sit there and just listen with tons to say but no way to jump in fast enough to say it.

And don’t think that just because my birthday is the same month as Christmas I get double the gifts.  That has never happened for the following reasons:

  1. I grew up in a cult that didn’t even celebrate Christmas and;
  2. When I was finally out of the cult and celebrated Christmas it was believed that a birthday gift AND a Christmas gift could be combined. Hence, I get 1 gift for the price of two occasions…..

imageYeah…a combination of cheap family and never getting noticed anyway.  So who really cares if I’m one year closer to my death.

I’m 40 by the way…just more lemon juice in the gaping hole that is my soul.