Good Morning….Insect of DEATH

I would like to press the “restart” button on this day.

I left my candle lit last night, out on my balcony.  I guess this attracts insects of the worse kind when they are rogue and lost and alone in the cold.

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Not the actual culprit but this does accurately depict the actual size….yes, not joking

It welcomed a one inch Yellow Jacket onto my balcony back door.  So, when I went out this morning to blow out the candle, unbeknownst to me, it flew in through the open door behind me.  I did not see it until about 10 minutes later when I saw this HUGE thing with legs on my wall. As I inched closer, thinking it was one of the gargantuan flies that live in this state, I noticed the yellow stripes and antenna.

There it was. A Yellow Jacket.  I backed away slowly, about to run, then realizing, uh this bastard was in MY house…I don’t run!  This does not imply that I wasn’t scared out of my wits.

I announced to The Boy there was a Yellow Jacket in my room and to keep the cat out because the dumb cat would get in my way of killing it thinking it was a play toy and get himself stung!  And that is all I would need!  A wounded cat and a crying kid.  The Boy closed his door and refused to come out until I could present the Death Certificate of this monster.

*Sigh* I resigned to being late to work..

So I stopped my morning routine and attempted to kill this beast.  I grabbed the big 3 inch thick Bible I found at an Estate Sale and was determined to show this thing the Word of God.

With my Bible in hand, it took me 10 minutes just to approach it and it logo_bamsmackpow-comkept moving around my room and landing in awkward places.  But finally I hit it!!!

The insect fell as did the 3 inch Bible I hit it with and both landed behind my nightstand! So, I spent another 20 minutes dissecting the area but did find it, dead and lifeless, directly below where I hit it.  It matched the carpet to perfection which made it hard to see.

God-damn it.

So, it was dead and I was able to confirm to The Boy, said death, with a corpse and documentation.

free-death-certificate-template

I wasn’t about to pick it up with a tissue like it was a fly.  It had a stinger and could still have been playing dead.  Instead, I grabbed the vacuum and sucked that bastard up.

Crunch….crunch….crunch, it went and was gone.  Now, I was about 30 minutes late into starting my day but I didn’t care.  There was no way I was going to leave a Yellow Jacket, dead or alive, in my house.  It must die and die it did.

But he really must have been lost because there are no insects of that kind roaming around this time of year when it’s really cold.  He was doomed to die.

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Frost…..bring on the Frost

My kid cracks me up sometimes.  As I was pulling out of my carport this morning, we both noticed at precisely the same time that my back window was outlined in pretty sparkling white frost just twinkling in the sunlight.  This was not surprising since it was about 25 degrees last night. (please remember…I’m from Sunny California where at this time of the year, it’s 70 degrees.)

We both announced our observation at the same time.

Sometimes, I adore how that kid and I are so closely connected especially mentally.  Probably more so than either of us realize.  Maybe that is why we frustrate each other a lot and argue a lot with each other but honestly, I don’t mind.  I just want to ensurethereporter-frostoncarwindow that I have a much different relationship with my child than I do with my own mother, no matter which direction of different it goes.

Because if he feels in ANY way the way I do about my mother, I’ve failed.

But regardless, Winter is Coming…..and we both can’t wait!

I tried to explain what my brain can’t process…

I had my sister over this past Saturday evening and the below commercial came on…..watch…

I laughed because the expression the father has as he goes to sit down then bounces right back up when he sees his son just did the stupidest thing ever……that expression can’t be explained in words.

I tried to explain this to my single, non-parent sister of age 35.  It wasn’t going to happen.  I just thank God it didn’t end in an argument which is usually how any conversations in current our relationship always seems to go lately.

I then found a great blog here and read this essay and I realized it would never be understood by those who weren’t playing the part.  I explained to my sister that the fathers’ expression and reaction was spot on by using the analogy of a skin cut.

Say you get a cut or a piece of your flesh ripped off. (Morbid I know but stay with me).  For the milli-second you feel nothing but see that your flesh is torn.  Then, the pain comes and in that milli-second where you felt nothing you do anticipate the pain coming but your brain can’t really process what you are looking at and what your are to expect.  It’s a mixture of brain overload.

That is this commercial.  I put myself in the shoes of these parents.  When the kid initially pulls out the table setting my brain would go…”NO!” then a full meal is on the floor. As he gets up and the mother stands there, staring, the brain is processing what the HELL just happened. Then in the next second you have a choice on how to react.

Now the commercial stops at the problem being solved by just ordering Domino’s. But it wouldn’t stop there for me.

I think I would lose all my shit on that kid.

And then I would feel like a shit afterwards.

But it is moments like this that the entry in the blog I referred to above relates to.  Moments like this actually have pushed my utter sanity to the very edge.  Moments like telling my kid who has a functioning brain for the 100th time to talk to his teacher about missing assignments.  Moments like hearing him argue with me back and forth like he’s about to win the O.J. Simpson case of a lifetime!

Then, I breathe.  Sometimes, I walk into my room, announce to him I’m closing the door to change and then sit on the lovely Paris bench at the foot of my bed and cry.  I cry like I’m about to swim in my own tears.  There is nothing more I can do.  I have gotten to the yelling point but it only makes me look like a woman gone mad.  So I walk away…and cry.  Which is what I’m sure that father who was one moment about to sit down to a nice family turkey meal would have done, had the commercial continue on.

This is something I try to explain to my single, non-parent sister of age 35 but it doesn’t get across.  I just get the look of confusion and judgement that….that one could not explain what they are feeling.  I believe even if she did have kids, those children would have been suppressed in so many ways since she is a type to not conform to life situation.

But then again, these are all assumptions. What do I know?

 

 

HE HAS BAD GRADES!!

Yup, that is all I heard being yelled at my son’s Cross Country Meet that he could attend but not participate in because of his grades.  Not only is this school no joke about grades and athletics (California schools can all go suck it) but they are really on top of it and strict about performance.image

The Boy had his first Life Lesson on learning about the consequences of being a slacker.

While he was still forced to ATTEND the meet….it was noticed by all, teammates and parents alike, that he was standing on the side lines. Hence….the title is all I heard.

“Yes…thank you for shouting that across the field little teammate…maybe you can shout it a bit louder??”

So then I wonder….why was I the one who was absolutely mortified to be his mother.  I wanted to crawl under a rock and not be associated with this loser of a kid. It was probably the first time I was utterly embarrassed to have him as a son. I’m sure it won’t be the last time.

However, all that changed because I will say that since then, he has missed three meets and by that I mean, he is at them, he just can’t participate. But today is the final meet and he actually brought his grades up enough to be able to participate. He brought one grade of a D up to a B+!!!  And all D’s are at C’s.  It’s just  Math that was in the F range for a while….but I’m working on that with him.  But still….I say that’s pretty awesome!

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So, he had to hang his head in the Cone of Shame for a while, as did I, by default,  but he roughed it out and got his shit together. That is what life is all about, right?

Let’s Break those Eggshells

I was just recently told by my ex-husband, who I have reconnected with, that he feels he has to walk on egg shells with me.  My mother has also told me this, as has my sister.  I have no feggriends but I’m sure they would feel the same way to.

Is this because I could explode at things said to me?  Maybe.  Or is it because people are just plain jerks with what they say or do that they all set me off?

How has it come that everyone decides to fall back on the “I walk around on egg shells with you” and “you have the problem, not me” instead of not admitting that they are just plain asshats.  I’m the nice one here.  I only bite when barked at.  I know of people who wake up in the morning ready for a fight, not caring who they tick off or if others around them live or die.  I believe I share blood with some.  I also share blood with those who don’t seem to have one ounce of common sense or human nature decency in their body.  I swear I don’t belong in this family.

I belong free.  I want to BE free.  I want to enjoy my son for Christ’s sake!  Without the “you are the worst mother in the world because you let your son WALK home from school and be home for 1 hour because YOU have to work!”

And yes….that is what I’m told…

Where are those metaphorical egg shells now, huh ma?

Oh and yes….still do not get along with that women…finally realized…I never will…ever.  She is everything I do not want to be in a mother.  She is everything that I try not to be, in a mother. That says enough.

So, please all…continue to walk on those eggshells.  Ask me if I give two fucks about it!

And Life Goes On…and On…and SQUIRREL!

Yup…Squirrel.

It has been a year since my visit to Painville. I still have horrible memories and even nightmares of the pain.  I have heard of people with chronic pain of some kind but I do not think that I am one of those poeple who can do chronic pain without losing my mind completely.

Then, of course there was the Glitch in the weight loss Matrix.  Apparently, eating and what I put in my mouth at any given moment will be a constant trial for me. I have to become borderline obsessed with eating for every waking minute, hour and day of my life. I realized that I will live the rest of my life in an up and down rollercoaster regarding my weight.  As of now, I’m in a slight valley with weight. But I was riding high on a mountain a few weeks ago and I’ll get it back.  Since I can’t do strenous exercise anymore due to my back, I am stuck with only power walking as cardio exercise.  I carry weights during my walking but that is all..I’m afraid to do to much because of my weight.  Hence,  I need to eat practically nothing to balance out my slow metabolism with the fact Im not doing strenuous cardio.  I will always hate it.

There is, of course, so much more to write.  But I’m actually really lazy and have to think my words out very carefully so as not to sound to bitter, harsh or just plain bitchy about many aspects of my life and the people in them.

So more to come.

 

 

 

In the Zombie Apocolypse, there is no money…

Rose Smith: Money. I hate, loathe, despise and abominate money.

Mr. Alonzo Smith: You also spend it.

Meet Me In St. Louis, 1944

money

That about sums it up for me.  I really hate money, yet I need to spend it.  I can NOT seem to get on top of my finances.  It seems like everywhere I turn money is slipping through my fingers.  And you would think, “Oh she’s spending it on herself getting her hair and nails done…”…NOPE!

Per month, roughly….I spend:

A couple hundred on Hockey lessons, for The Boy

Another couple hundred on hockey gear, for The Boy

A couple hundred for before and after school care so I can work to pay for the before and after school care.

A couple more hundred on school PTA because he HAD to have the Knotts Tickets that come with the payment, among other things. (but that was actually only this month)

A couple more hundred on food which The Boy consumes within days forcing me to spend another couple hundred only days later.

A couple more hundred on shoes and accessories that The Boy MUST have (like $60 Adidas shoes).

Do you see the pattern?

Oh and then somewhere in there I pay $1200 rent on the 755 square foot cracker box I live in, utilities (Fuck You Verizon FIOS and Verizon Wireless and your over priced crap service), and a car payment on a piece of crap VW, which is also over priced.

Lastly, I buy my cat the cheapest cat food I can find. Friskies, seems to be the winner lately.

friskies

What’s left for me? A trip to the Goodwill for some used $3 tops so I don’t go to work naked or I take charity from my sister’s closet of clothes she no longer wears.  I’ve given up on trying to eat any kind of solid food that isn’t snacks or left over food from big-wig lunch meetings that I can beg scraps for.  Hence my current and probably on-going weight loss and stomach ulcers.  Also, hair that desperately needs to be trimmed yet, grows past my waist, because I can’t cut it myself and can’t afford to go to a salon.  So I let it just grow.  Just call me friggin Rapunzel!

iceAnd this is just the tip of the iceberg on my money issues.  There are odds and ends that I am always digging into my pockets for that just drive the knife deeper.  The kicker is, I do get child support, I have a pretty good paying job…you would think the problem is my budgeting….

Nope, it’s that I live in the worst state in this union when it comes to finances, over priced housing, taxes etc.  I hate it here and want to move so desperately.

So yeah, I hate loathe and despise money, but even though I don’t want to, I spend it. OR rather my 10 year old kid spends it.

He will be getting a job as soon as he is of legal age. That is for damned sure!

Lord Jesus give me the strength…

Today, during my lunch hour, as I was pumping gas into my car, a young man, about 19 or 20, maybe younger, walked up to me asking for 75 cents to get a bus ride to his Aunt’s house.  I asked him how he ended up in this city and why he couldn’t live with his Aunt.  He shook his head and said he was homeless.  I honestly thought this kid had to have been a teen.  He looked like a high schooler.

But I didn’t see a young stranger…I saw my son.  I thought to myself, “If something happened to me and there was NO one to take care of my son, I would not want my son to have to be reduced to pan-handling and I would hope someone would give him charity.”

I gave that kid all the cash I had in my wallet.

I just saw a small little boy in this kid.  A part of me wanted to give him my number and take him out to dinner!  I knew that wasn’t possible though because even though good people want to do good things, bad people will always prevail.  And I didn’t even know if this boy was telling me the truth at all.  For all I know, he could have turned around and took the cash I handed him to the liquor store.  As it was, he took my money, but he did say thank you as I told him “God Bless” and then he said thank you again, then ran off across the street.

06956-TrkyChdrSub-032414I came back to work, sat at my desk, and looked at the Lunchables that I had gone out of my way to buy at the Vons (where this gas station was) for my own Boy, because he likes Lunchables as a treat.  I stared at the Lunchables, with their Hershey’s Kisses, sub sandwich and Capri Sun and told myself that I am doing good for that kid and it is my job to make sure he knows it.  If there is one thing that I am trying to keep out of that boy, it is ungratefulness.

Because the Lord giveth…and…the Lord can taketh away.

I came back to my desk, at work, and prayed to God that I may have touched that poor boy’s life regardless if he took my money and went to a liquor store or if he truly did need to get to his Aunt’s house.  Even if it was only because I talked to him rather than shoo him off like I’m sure most have.  I can only hope that he was telling the truth and he was just trying to get a bus ride to his Aunt’s.  It is beyond me now.

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My heart aches for the pain and suffering in this world.  My heart aches for those who feel that it’s over.  This stems from the news of Robin Williams.  I’ve seen many a celebrity die in tragic ways during my lifetime but this one…this one hurt my heart.

The depth of depression is nothing that any human on this planet could fathom, even the person who is dealing with it.  It is a disease that warps our reality and rules our minds.  To personify it, I would think, in the worst cases that more than likely end in the person thinking death is the only way out, it makes their world look upside down.  Almost like Alice through the Looking Glass.  Everything is wrong, up is down and down is up.  That has got to be awful.  And the sadness. The overwhelming sadness.  I know that I have my bouts of depression but I find my way out.  I feel for those who can’t crawl out of the hole that depression digs.

As I’ve always said, it would be like being sucked into The Nothing, where the only thing left behind is the pain and sorrow of the darkness of….well, of there being NOTHING.

Out of all the tributes that every other celebrity made, I liked Jimmy Fallon’s the best and in the comedic way that Robin was all about…

Jimmy Fallon Tribute to Robin Williams

While only God can know what Mr. Williams was thinking during his last breath, I would like to hope that he is now making God laugh with his antics.

We are only on this earth for a short time, then we will all meet again under the righteousness of our Lord.

 

 

We are only here for a short time….

That is what I keep telling myself…’This is temporary…This is temporary”

It may seem that I left this blog by the wayside and perhaps I have.

In the weight department, I have been at a steady and maintained weight loss of 75lbs. Sometimes it goes up…then I bring it right back down. I am now conscious of when I start to gain a pound or two and make sure that it comes back down. As of right now…I’m up a bit but I will bring it right back down. I have been keeping exercise as a regular part of my routine at 3-4 times a week, 30 minutes on the elliptical or bike and weight lifting. I am pretty much carb free but sneak the occasional dinner roll or fry here and there. But 98% of my food choices do not include carbs in any form. I am going to finish up my last two weeks at the medical clinic and then I’m going to switch to another facility which is just around the corner from my office building and I can visit for my vitamin injections during my lunch hour.  I want to start fresh at a new place, from my current weight.  I still have about 30 pounds to lose although I may try and go as far as losing another 50 lbs bringing me down to about 120 lbs at 5 feet 4 inches height.  I started this journey May 4, 2013 and will never look back.  After a year, I will start fresh and these will be my new goals:

Height:  5 ft, 4 in
Current Weight:  178 lb  (give or take)
Healthy weight range:  117-146 lb
Current BMI:  31
Healthy BMI range:  20-25

MjAxMy1lYjAyZjhlYThkZWIyNGUwWork has not been so good.  I am currently dealing with a boss who yells, argues and screams at me, on the phone, or to anyone he’s talking to.  I’ve documented it with H.R. and that is all I can really do.  He also burps all the time, farts in front of me (his office constantly smells like butt) and I literally have to leave the area when he eats lunch because he’s SO loud with his chomping and slurping that it makes me physically ill.  I made the mistake once of walking into his office while he was eating lunch and let me just say, the spaghetti sauce was ALL over his mouth….all…over.  And by the way, this is a 58 year old man.  He is disgusting.  My solution, since I need a paycheck and can’t quit, is to completely shut down any interaction with him.  Basically, I avoid him at all costs.  Communication is mostly through emails.  It’s working out, for the most part.

But the worst was about 1 ½ months ago, when somehow, an un-authorized person snuck into the buildings and stole 3 wallets straight from purses sitting on cubicles.  My wallet was one of them.  I’m very disappointed in how my employer handled the situation.  But I have to put up with all of this because eating is not an option.  I will say it really takes its toll on me.  The stress is beginning to affect my stomach.  I’m pretty sure I have IBS but I need to go to my Dr. to get him to diagnose me but from what I’ve read, I’m sure that’s it.  On my own, I’m starting probiotics and cutting back on the coffee…(*sorta* teehee).  But my appetite and eating is pretty much null and void.  I have no desire for food as I used to over a year ago.  But that’s fine with me.

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My farm….

I have become mildly obsessed with Farmville 2: Country Escape.  Yes, yes I have. I’m farming and harvesting and creating yummy foods such as cakes, pies and fish that sometimes just playing the game brings my appetite back! It’s funny.  Anyway, look up cpamorain@gmail.com on Google Games and that would be me. It should be listed as one of my games that I’m getting achievements from.

Rejection-Investors-Startup--790x391I have officially given up on finding someone, a companion to walk with me and beside me for the rest of my life.  After putting myself out there for a bit…the rejection, even after becoming physically attractive (or so I thought the weight loss would help) is unbearable.  I was never one to react positively from rejection.Plain Jane

I’ve had a series of revelations. There was a time that I firmly believed that my over weight issue was what kept me unattractive and plain.  I have since come to find out, it was never the weight.  I will admit to being a “Plain Jane” and nothing that turns heads.  Hell, I’ll be lucky if I can get another human being to even acknowledge that I exist.  Beyond that, there is something about my personality that makes others turn away.  I am not all alone for no reason.  I should wear a sign that says “does not play well with others”.  The weight is gone and still, I’m a nobody.

I barely exist to anyone.  My son just sees me as a bank to make sure he has what he needs and a disciplinary who stops him from having “fun”.  Although I firmly believe that I am the coolest mom on the planet.   Just recently, he started becoming interested in Superman comics and we found a great Comic Book store near our apartment that I take him to (when he acts good) and I get him comics to his hearts desire.  Now tell me, how many mothers will get down on their hands and knees digging through boxes of back issues of Superman comics in a local comic book store, to find the right Superman comic for their 10 year old son.  We are not many, us cool moms.  I love it though.  I’ve always been a geek at heart.

Mario KartI also visited just about every McDonald’s in the area JUST to get The Boy his last Mario Kart toys from there.  They were the Happy Meal toys and he was only  missing three.  I found two out of the three he was missing.  I couldn’t find Donkey Kong.Beanie Babys

I will admit…I did get some of the Beanie Babies (the “Girl” toy) for myself…they were so cute!

But this all proves this theory: That kid…is my entire reason for existing…my entire…..reason.

My parents barely know I exist beyond giving them their most precious grandchild. I’m just waiting for my father’s impending progression of Alzheimer’s to finally kick in and he won’t know who I am, at all.  Until then, he just can’t talk.  But both my parents pretty much ignore me more now than they ever did.   My younger sister….*sigh*…her and I are just not on the same page about morals and standards in life and are having serious personality conflicts.  It really does break my heart but she is the most stubborn and unforgiving person I know.  She also needs to think before she speaks just as a common human courtesy.  I also think she resents me for my weight loss but that is just speculation.  She is going down the path of physical self sabotage and gaining SO much weight and I worry for her health.  She is pre-diabetic, has thyroid issues and back problems.  She really needs to lose about 100 lbs, for health reason alone!   I know that she holds some resentment towards me just by being in the same room with her because we’ve both been fat our whole lives.  This journey is a lifetime change and she is all about the “3-day cleanse” diets.  That doesn’t work for us.  It’s a lifetime thing.  My older sister, well I never had a real relationship with her as we didn’t grow up together.  I have no friends and barely know a handful of relatives.

liar_liar_pants_on_fireI tried the dating thing and it just didn’t work. There was always someone better than me or, as I’ve come to realize, most men, especially the so called “Christian” ones, are all liars.  The amount of liars and hypocrites I’ve run into in the approximately 8 months I’ve tried dating is outstanding and absolutely incredible.  Guys that say “I’m looking for a Christian woman, with standards and values……” then turn around and want to jump in the sack…uh…no….?  Or you get the ones who really like that I’m a sports fanatic and would rather go to a good baseball or hockey event than shop for shoes, then drop me like I have leprosy to pursue someone who, surprise…..surprise, is eye candy for them to hang off their arm.  Pathetic…. Men, are a lost cause, especially at this age.  I’m done with them and their lies, arrogance and hypocrisy.

And after that evaluation, I really will be brutally honest and admit that for me, death cannot come fast enough.

Now let me explain that statement.

The Bible tells us that Christians will be with Jesus the instant they die.

In 2 Corinthians 5:8 the Apostle Paul even longed for death because he knew it would take him into the presence of Jesus.  He said,  “We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord. “

In Luke 23:43 Jesus tells the thief dying on the cross, “Verily I say unto thee, Today shalt thou be with Me in Paradise.”

I just want to be with Jesus, where there is no pain, physical or mental or emotional.  This life is temporary and full of heartache and sorrow and sometimes, it’s a bit to much.  But I do not condone murder, so when I say that, I mean that getting older only carries for me regret that I didn’t live my younger years with more wisdom.  I sometimes feel I have nothing to teach my son yet, on the flip side, I have everything to teach him because of my mistakes that I learned from.  I know that he alone, is the only reason I exist on this planet.  Well him and the fear of the eternal consequences of murder (because, yes, suicide is murder and God gave us each our paths for a reason).

So please, no comments like “you need to seek counseling blah blah blah”.  I’m not going to off myself.  I just can’t wait to be in a happier place when this life walk is over.  The end of this physical life in this physical skin will be such a welcome to me.

thCAAVBAA6

I used to blame God for my loneliness and be petrified of dying, but I can’t feel that way anymore.  It was I who made my choices. The only “blame” that can go towards God is that He gave humans the ability to choose right from wrong.  He only shows us the paths and we must choose to walk the proper one.  I did not  with the choices I made, out of rebellion and spite and now I suffer the consequences by dealing with loneliness and the harsh reality that for however many more years I have on this planet, they will be utterly and totally, alone.

So, in essence, since my last posts in here of our wonderful day trip to Hearst Castle to my constant battle with loneliness, it hasn’t gotten much better.  There are good days and bad days.  There are days when my family really get on my last nerve and I’m done with them.  But for the most part, I spend most of my time with The Boy and just prepare myself for the day when he will jump on the bandwagon, and also reject me somewhere down the line.  Then I will be utterly and truly alone and my battle between living and being patience for God’s time for Him to call me to His Kingdom, will truly begin.

Or, it might not end up that way because I have also learned that I am not the one making the path.  I just follow what is right and how believe.  I will enjoy my son and teach him the best I can.  He starts school a week from Monday and will be entering the 5th grade.  I’m taking him to a Dodger game on Sunday as a “End of the Summer” last fun thing to do and a night at a fun restaurant in Pasadena where you throw your peanut shells on the floor.  I’ve already been to two Dodger games this summer, one with my sister and my kid and one with my sister, kid, and my parents and I think I just want to be with my kid now.  Sometimes, they are all to much for me to handle and my patience is pushed to it’s limits.

But I constantly do question one thing about my faith.  If Jesus died for us and forgave us, why do the sins of our past hurt us in our present?  I guess I should talk to a pastor about that but I try to figure things out on my own.

“The idea of Summmer…and all things….HOT…”

Yeah, I just couldn’t think of a title but oh how much I love that Snowman!

If you are reading this, you might want to make sure you have the time and grab a coffee and pull up a chair.  This might be a long update.

So, this morning, I drop off The Boy at before care and the room is all dark and every single child is staring at the tv and singing along to our favorite Snowman….

I proudly announced that his voice and that “Summer” song is my ring tone…I have no shame!  I love that Snowman!

Happy Anniversary!  You registered on WordPress.com 1 year ago! Thanks for flying with us. Keep up the good blogging!

Yes, it has been 1 year that I’ve had this WordPress blog open. It doesn’t seem that long yet, it kinda does. I think that may be because of the massive amount of writing I’ve put into this thing and how much of my life history I’ve revealed.

4th Grade Project

THearstCastle-712894his month is 4th grade project month.  Apparently, 4th graders are no longer tied down to doing just a Mission located here in California.  At least my kid’s school isn’t requiring a California Mission.  We get to choose any California landmark we desire.  I decided….oh I mean THE BOY….decided Hearst Castle in San Simeon, CA.  How the HELL I’m going to make a model of this thing now has me worried that I may have bit off more than I can chew…but it’s THE BOY’s project…right? It doesn’t reflect at ALL on me..right?

Wrong….

But regardless, I will try to create the front of the Castle, some trees in front then the Neptune Pool.  The pool I already have an idea of how it’s going to be made.  It’s the Castle I’m worried about.  But supply shopping will soon commence at the Walmart and Micheals.

It’s due May 7, so I have a good month to do this….ahem..I mean THE BOY has a good month to do his project…

Weight

I’m still, miraculously, losing weight.  There are ups and downs.  I got on the scale one week and gained 8 lbs, then got on it again the next week and lost the 8 and a few more.  So it’s hard to gauge what will happen but it doesn’t matter.  As long as I can still run on that treadmill, breathe when going up stairs and fit into a size 8.

And that I NEVER see that scale tell me 245 lbs ever again.

I have not visited the clinic nor got an injection for a month now.  I’ve also been completely off the appetite suppressants.  However, I may return to the clinic and pay off the last $200 for another 10 weeks soon.  After, that 10 weeks, if I’m diligent, that should be it for me on losing the initial weight.  Then it’s maintenance from here until I die.  So I will continue to remain 95% carb free, for the rest of my life.  I will constantly monitor portions and make better choices.  I will forever keep my exercise level high.

LilySlim - (hgaY)

But as of this date, I have lost a total of 71 lbs. That is more than what The Boy weighs!  And, I’m not longer in the “Obese” section of the BMI charts. I’m simply “overweight” now…..

So apparently a size 6/8 and looking like this….is overweight.  But hey, at least I’m not “Obese” anymore!

Yeah...I hate selfies...ugh...

Yeah…I hate selfies…ugh…

Family

Well surprise surprise!!..…a family member has officially been cut off and guess what.…IT ISN’T ME!

In the past it would have been me considering some of the crap I’ve pulled.  But it isn’t, (BTW, the relationship between myself and my mother is GREATLY improved.  She still sometimes says things that I have to roll my eyes at but I’m able to do just that and it’s all good).

My aunt, my mother’s sister, is officially cut off, monetarily and emotionally, with anything to do with myself, my sister and our mother and father.  There will no longer be any interaction between us and her.  If she has the gall to call my mother up on the future asking for money or whatever, my mother has been instructed by myself and my sister that she is to not answer the phone, lest she desires to feels our wrath.

Believe me when I say that this decision was tossed around a lot and has lots of merit behind it.  My aunt has burned her last bridge with these latest shenanigans she pulled.

My mother’s other sister, has also cut their sister off in the capacity listed above.  I am actually not going to go into detail because, even though it included a possible legal battle and my aunt just being a manipulator and pathological liar, it is very convoluted and honestly, to embarrassing to even admit here.Who opened the closet

I know one thing is for sure regarding my family.  I am REALLY sick and tired of new “skeletons” that keep coming out of our family closet every so often.  With this new debacle, even more skeletons have come out and honestly, I don’t know who or WHAT to believe anymore.

I’m just glad that my son isn’t near some of the “skeletons” and I just want to be done with it all.

I so desire to shake my family tree of all its skeletons and bury their bones forever.

Divorce

Life will always continue to surprise me and people surprising me is no exception.  As my aunt has surprised us all by betraying the family, my ex-husband surprised me to the point of humility.

Wait…does anyone know what temperature it is in HELL!?

th

So, back in December, I decided I needed to go back to court to get the ex to pay a bit more child support only because, according to our current incomes, he should be paying about $400 more a month.  So I got that started, got my previous attorney to work on it and got it filed.  Earlier this week, my attorney tells me that my ex got his own lawyer and wants to negotiate….ugh.

I think the worst. I mean what is there to negotiate?! If he thinks he can weasel back into The Boy’s life after 8 years of nothing just so he can pay less in child support….screw that!  I know that is the worst possible scenario, but that is where my mind went and, apparently, it didn’t need to.

Long story short, I spoke with my ex yesterday and he agrees to all that I have requested, which is the higher monthly child support payment and the $600 he owes me from a washing machine we bought back when we were married that he was ordered to pay and never did.

I think my jaw literally fell to the floor.

Am I being tricked?

Is he lying?

Did I land in Bizzarro World?!?!

thCAXRXCNO

Well, no I don’t believe he is lying.  I think he knows that if it goes to court, a judge would “hand him his ass on a platter” as a new friend of mine so poetically and precisely put it.  I would assume, he is just laying down the sword and realizing his defeat.

I know that gloating and pride are not qualities that God promotes and being a women of faith I would rather not gloat but I have to say that for the first time in 10 years, I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted off me and that this particular fight is just about over and I may have won.  Now, I won’t be so naïve as to think that something else might not come up as life has many plot twists but my ex only has 8 more years to be obligated to pay child support and I believe that this issue of an increase might come up one more time before the 8 years are up, but until then, I am the victor.

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So that ended rather amicably and a HUGE weight has been lifted off me because this Boy is getting SUPER expensive what with torn jeans every few weeks, new shoes every month and hockey gear…I barely have money to get myself $1.99 Suave shampoo!

Miscellaneous

  • I miss Disneyland visits so much.  I don’t see a renewal of a pass anytime in the future.
  • The Walking Dead, Season 4 is over…and if you don’t know what I’m talking about, that’s ok.  If you do and haven’t seen it…don’t get mad at me when I say I would turn into EXACTLY  the same kind of person Rick has turned into.  And yes, I would have ripped that guys throat out with my teeth…if he was attacking my kid and double yes, I would have stabbed my kid’s would be attacker 50 million times.  Rick did exactly what I would have done, to protect my child.
  • New Season of Game of Thrones starts Sunday!
  • So! Who is taking me to go see Captain America! The Boy doesn’t want to see it but I do! Who’s coming with me?!?!

SHOUT OUT!

Lastly, I would like to give a shout out and I hope that this person doesn’t mind me giving him a shout out.

At one point in my life, just after losing my best friend, I honestly thought that God did not intend for me to develop any kinds of friendships.  I couldn’t find anyone that matched the connection that she and I had.  I believe that we were soul mates but not in the romantic sense.  More in a sisterly bond sense, yet we shared not one drop of blood.

However, along the way I have run into some truly fascinating people who are genuine, kind and willing to make a connection.  Some have stuck around in my life (cue in a wonderful couple who live up north who I think are the best EVER! And yes, I will give Elder Scrolls a chance).  But for the most part, it’s been a lonely life that I have built many walls around.  So, to make a new friend is a huge positive for me.

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I would just like to tell this person, and you know who you are, thank you SOOO much for giving me a chance, being patient and breaking down the walls I’ve built up around me.  I know that as individuals, we run into many people on a daily basis, not knowing anything about them.  We affect them by our actions and you have affected me tremendously.  You are the positive friendship that my little weak faith needed, in God and in people.

Thank you so much for listening to me this past week.  You have NO idea how just being able to get things off my chest has helped me.  I greatly appreciate all the effort you’ve put into getting to know me.  You are a truly blessed person and the friendship we are building is important to me.

And with that, until the next time, that is all for now.

thCABOMA63

Kings Tickets? Yes please!

I hold in my hand these…..

Kings

The Boy and I will be seeing the Kings play the Canucks this Saturday evening.  As I look back in my life, I never, ever thought I would EVER get excited over going to a Kings hockey game.  In my youth, I barely knew hockey existed.  That wasn’t the sport I was raised on.  We were baseball (Dodger) fans.  Also, my father was never the sports kinda guy and I only had a younger sister.  No real brothers to speak of and no other men in my life so I never really was around sports much at all except for the occasional Dodger game.

This is a whole new world for me and I really am loving it.

This is the virtual view of our seats in the Premier section.

Kings seats

I wonder if they will allow me to bring in my Canon SLR to take some photos….

38 years Married

HappyAnniversaryMickeyandMinnieToday, my parents celebrate their 38th wedding Anniversary.  Even if I met a man tomorrow and married him the next day, I probably couldn’t make it to almost 40 years of marriage simply because I would probably die first.  Not many now a days can claim that many years married to the same person.

The length of their marriage, I believe, is the reason why I never had a successful marriage and my sister will never be married.  It’s kind of like a curse.  My parents are soul mates only in the fact that my father allowed my mother to rule the roost, so to speak, but on all levels.  He made no decisions without her and did nothing without her.  He allowed her to run all with very little input from himself and putting up with her antics and believe me, she threw out some whopping doozy of adult tantrums from what I remember, even though she denies them all to this day and apparently, I was living a different childhood with different parents than from what I remember, so I’m the crazy one.

I’m really not putting down that they have been married for 38 years because I really do  believe that one can not live without the other, even though one (my mother) wouldn’t admit to it but probably will if she is the spouse left standing, should my father die first.  But more important to my “curse” theory is that I believe that a man like my Dad is the only type of man who would be able to deal with a woman like my mother and even women like myself and my sister. We are VERY tough cookies to crack, if we ever get cracked and we tend to be over dramatic and have non-diagnosed Biplor as well, no joke.  I think I’m a little more pliable and controlling of my rants than my sister and mother as I have more of an emotional side than they do, hence, I tend to be a more tender person.

So, I firmly believe there is no man on the planet suited for our types of personality.  I stand by that assumption because my sister and I are both alone and tolerant of very little.  My sister is worse than me.  I’m just exhausted of dealing with men who are out right assholes, which is pretty much all of them.

So Happy Anniversary to my parents and thanks to you both for making sure that my sister and I never have a long lasting marriage or marriages at all because you have had such a “successfully” long one.

A few days until Xmas

And I’m still just not feeling it. Or I’m on the fence about how I’m feeling. I did get excited when I found a singing house just a few blocks from my apartment and plan to get The Boy, coffee and hot cocoa, and just parking the car in front and enjoying. I love when people light up their houses and sync the lights to music.

Holiday-shoppingOn the re-opening of my child support case, I ran into a snag. I used some of the $2000 my mother gave me and didn’t have enough to cover the $2000 check I sent to them. In my defense though, I did use it to finish my Xmas shopping.  I know..I know…I already ripped myself a new one for not planning that properly. Anyway, I got it squared away with the help of a nice Xmas bonus check given to me yesterday, $60 given to me by my ex-husband for medical co-payments and prescriptions (demanding that money from him was at the advice of my attorney) and my current child support amount posted this morning. I now have enough to finally pay my attorney to start this case. I get more money on Friday from my paycheck but not much since I was out sick for a few days without pay.

handing-over-moneySo that will be all for me regarding money until after the New Year. Hopefully, I don’t get my utilities and cell phone shut off since I had to forgo paying those bills JUST to save Xmas.  I barely had enough to send frozen waffles to The Boy’s class for his Xmas Breakfast they are having.  I wished I were exaggerating when I say that my fridge has been empty for weeks, and I can’t afford frozen waffles.  I get to make the fantastic choice of gas or food or getting utilities shut off or being late on my rent all the time and I normally don’t choose the late on the rent option because it only takes being 3 days late before the apartment has Sheriff knocking on the door, kicking me out.  It’s happened once before and the fees to get that all straightened out was VERY painful.

The-Lone-Ranger-2013I do still need to pick up The Lone Ranger DVD for my dad.  He is a bit of a cowboy fanatic in his old age.  It’s kinda cute.  I actually went into his “Retirement Man Cave” just last week for pretty much the first time in months and I was very impressed with how strategically he has placed John Wayne posters and cowboy paraphernalia on the walls and around the room.  It warmed my heart because that small room, is exactly who my Daddy is.  He said he wanted The Lone Ranger DVD for Xmas since I couldn’t really get him any more paraphernalia as the walls and every inch of the room was stuffed.

I am taking some money and very much looking forward to seeing Saving Mr. Banks on Friday night and we have Universal Studios planned for Saturday.  I’m not feeling much into the Amusement Park mood mostly because I will not be seeing the Xmas Disneyland decorations for only the 2nd Xmas in the past 9 years and as silly, childish and stupid as it sounds, it makes me so sad to the point of tears. But I guess Grinchmas will have to do.

I’m such a spoiled brat.

Oh look at that…I’m still alive…

I guess now would be as good a time as ever to write up the world’s longest update post.

The end of 2013 is proving to be full of twists and turns and even loop holes.  I will break it down into a few different sections, more to satisfy my OCD than anything else.  So without further adieu, the last few months of my existence, broken down into categories and in no particular order, (I warned you all about my OCD right?).

Divorce

There is never an easy or 1, 2, 3 type divorce.  Although I will admit, my divorce 10 years ago went as much in my favor as it could have, especially compared to other divorces.  However, I knew the day would come when I would have to dish out another chunk of money to get what I needed.  That day has come.

As of this week, I borrowed a nice chunk of money from my parents and I have put down a huge retainer to re-hire my previous divorce attorney to re-open my case from 2005.  The decision to do this was prompted because I realized that my ex-husband makes a lot more money now than he did back in 2005 and I make a lot less than I did back in 2005. child-support-image-624x499

My attorney, after roughly looking at our incomes, feels I should be getting double of the child support that I’m currently receiving.  The main thing going against my ex-husband is that he has 0% time with The Boy.  He hasn’t seen him in almost 9 years.  I am 100% full custodial parent, therefore, all expenses, on a 24/7 basis, come out of my pocket.

If all goes well, instead of $496 monthly child support I currently get, my attorney is going to see I get close to $1300 a month.

That amount is according to my yearly income and my ex-husband’s yearly income.  That number is not me wanting to clean my ex out….it is based on our incomes, nothing more.

That is how much MORE he makes than me, yet I have The Boy 100%.

Sounds friggin’ fair to me!!!

Money

Rose Smith: Money. I hate, loathe, despise and abominate money.

Mr. Alonzo Smith: You also spend it.

—Quoted from “Meet Me in St. Louis”

money22Money can prove to be another love/hate relationship that I have developed.  I hate that life in general depends on it.  For the past few months, I’ve been seriously living paycheck to paycheck, as I’m sure all of America is.  However, my last resort is moving back in with my parents and in all honestly, I would rather slit my wrists that do that again.  Nothing against them, we just cannot live together, it can’t happen.

I also hate that I don’t have enough money to enjoy life.  And don’t tell me “oh you can enjoy life without money”.  It’s a lie.  Sure I can go for a walk or take The Boy to a park but does it cost gas to drive anywhere? Yup.  And maybe the walk would cost nothing, until someone gets hungry or wants ice cream.

Then, don’t get me started on how I can’t keep food in my fridge at all.  Remember, I eat nothing.  Some nights, my dinner consists of a bowl of corn flakes or 2 hard boiled eggs.  That kid is eating me out of house and home and still demands more.

That is why I am taking my ex-husband back to court (see above).  I mean sure I could live in the ghetto and my kid could go to the worst school in the state but I’m going to try everything I can to keep off of welfare and keep out of the ghetto.  Call me a snob if you want but that is just how I was raised.  No free hand outs and all options must have been tried before it becomes dire straits.

It all keeps adding up though.  My car also needs about $1000 of work done and I have the warning lights popping up left and right.  I need all new tires as the ones I have are apparently balding.  I need new brakes and a couple of other things. But it all added up to well over $1000.

I’m hoping that I can squeeze as much out of my tax refund in February as I can to pay back my parents for the divorce attorney retainer and get my car fixed and then, that leads me to…

The Cat

As I posted back in October, my cat spent three nights in the hospital due to Kidney failure and dehydration.  They were able to get him into much better shape and I took him home.  Since then, I’ve gone out of my way every month to get his supply of Renal LP food directly from the vet and he has been doing fine.  I was told he might need about $600 of dental work done at a later date.IMG_20131210_222227

The past few days, he has been doing the gagging thing while he eats, again.  I believe it is due to his teeth.  I was hoping, being that he is 5 years old and half way through his life, I would be able to get through the next 5 or so years with no problems.  That is what I get for thinking.

There is no way I can afford another $600 of dental work and the two credit cards I have are already maxed out what with having to squeeze money from my ass to pay for my divorce attorney.  I am no longer getting approved for any more credit so I’m at my credit card cap.

I’m going to play it by ear and try and mush up his food as best as I can to get him to eat without gagging.  He also needs to learn not to scarf down his food, even though he is an animal, he can’t eat like one or he chokes.  I’m hoping just mushing his food and giving him little bits will help him eat slower.  But he is a stubborn cat….if he starts to associate the food with him gagging, he won’t go near it and he can’t, nor will he, eat any other store brand food.  The food I give him now is a vet prescription for his Renal failure.  He could go back to starving himself again.

I don’t even want to think about losing that cat…damn him…I love him so much.

Ugh..moving on…

Health

Meh, the end of November/beginning of December was tough.  I didn’t exercise much because of Thanksgiving cutting into my routine and of course Thanksgiving provided plenty of food to eat but I tried to steer clear of carbs and just eat turkey, lots of turkey.

Then the week after Thanksgiving, my lower back when out and I got the flu. I was out of work for 2 days last week.  I just need a really long deep tissue massage because the amount of stress and pain that is piercing my back and neck daily is almost enough to make me scream.  But how much does a massage cost? and oh..that’s right, I have NO husband to lightly rub my back for me so, a simple massage is in my dreams.  I’m still waking up with no strength in my lower back to even sit up.  I also believe alot of it is my sciatica because the twinging pain goes down both my legs pretty much all day.  I’m just living with it.

thSo day by day I endure the physical pain and just smile and nod so everyone thinks I’m holding it together when in essence, I just want to rip my spine out and pop it back into place.

But that takes me into….

Weight

375x321_lose_weight_fast_how_to_do_it_quickly_ref_guideAh, here is another part of my daily existence I have to constantly be thinking about.  I must monitor all that goes into my pie hole.  Actually, I don’t mind doing that and the My Fitness Pal app really helps out with monitoring food intake versus exercise output.  It is when I lack exercise that I start to feel my muscles that I’ve worked so hard on developing, start to deflate like a pierced balloon.

However, I have managed to maintain my weight and the total loss of 62 lbs.  I’ve gained nothing even though I haven’t been on the appetite suppressants for over a month and haven’t been to visit the clinic for the injections due to me needing to pay a balance to start up another 10 weeks of visits.  So in essence, I can do it on my own.  But I still have at least 30 more to lose before I get to the “on my own completely” point with only visits to the clinic for the vitamin injections and maintenance.  However, I just bought a size 8 pair of pants making me officially down 10 pants sizes since April, from a size 18 to the now size 8.

And guess what?  According to the BMI charts, I’m still in the “Obese” category so apparently a size 8 is obese.  The BMI charts can kiss my size 8 ass.

Dating

I broke down and paid for a membership on Christian Mingle.com  I haven’t been on there long enough to really establish my opinions about it but on the surface, it seems like there are a lot less crazies there than Match or any of those free places.  Those free sites are scary. Uh, yeah…I think my opinion is starting to become established.  So called “Christian”‘ men are just as much ass holes and jerks as any other man, if not worse.

I really just can’t move in a positive direction in the dating category.  I have a condition that doesn’t allow me to deal well with men who are sarcastic, egotistical and want only one thing.  Then throw in someone who thinks they are better than you in every way, and I’m done.

I have better things to do.

The Boy

One of my favorite movies

One of my favorite movies

I really can’t put my finger on what kind of relationship I have with The Boy.  There are parts of his personality that are coming out that I really do not like.  He argues way to friggin’ much.  He also gets way to moody and in a stinky attitude if he doesn’t get his way.  I’ve taken to just sending him to his room when he gets the pouting face and stinky attitude if he doesn’t get what he wants.  I don’t even want to see him.  Then, minutes later, he comes out all wanting hugs and cuddles and I’m like “really kid?”.  I’m telling you, he is bipolar.

Then again, he comes from me and I’m riding the roller coaster of emotions sometimes.  However, ungratefulness is something I won’t tolerate and I think I spoil him.  He is becoming greedier and greedier each Christmas and that just doesn’t sit well with me.  It reflects off of me and makes me look pretty bad.  But I have to remember, I am fighting more “Nature” than anything and he still has his father’s assholery genetics.  I spend a lot of my energy trying to erase genetics and that may be a losing battle.

But damn did I make a good looking human.  My kid is so handsome!

The Family

Ah, my family.  I find it truly interesting to love and despise someone, at the same time.  My mother, I just don’t know what to feel about her sometimes.  I think I need to just makes friends with the fact that it is just what it is.  She and my father took money out of my father’s retirement to give to me to retain my divorce attorney (see above) and if I hadn’t been given that money I wouldn’t have been able to move forward with changing my child support.  For that, I love them both.Funny-eCards-9

But sometimes, she just needs to learn to keep her mouth shut.  However, in her defense, we all kind of do.  I know I tend to have foot in mouth disease on occasion.

My sister, she is on the losing weight bandwagon now which is an even bigger motivation for me to stay at a weight below her.  She has also joined a medical clinic as I have and takes the appetite suppressants and tries to cut out carbs.  She has lost about 10 lbs so far.  I really hope that this is the breaking point for her as it has been for me.  I hope that she tells herself to never go back and sure, we may falter and eat one to many pieces of pizza but we get back on track.  She needs to get a hold of her body more than me because her weight really brings her down desperately and she really becomes very scary to be around and her depression becomes palpable.

We cancelled the Montana trip on Christmas week to visit my other sister.  It was going to be to expensive and time consuming and I really couldn’t take that much time off work but more importantly, there was NO way I was taking a 3 day/3 state driving trip with my mother, father and sister.  I would have run us off the road just to end the anguish.

Depression

I have moments where I feel I have failed at just about every aspect of my life.  I failed at my marriage 10 years ago.  I failed at being able to support my child and myself financially because I’m living paycheck to paycheck and sometimes not even with enough in a paycheck.  I feel I’ve failed to work on myself so that I could attract a decent male to accompany me in this journey of life.  I really think there is just something wrong with me which is why I don’t have a man.  It’s not my weight because I don’t have that issue anymore.  I thought I was just plain ugly which could still be the case but maybe, I just have a rotten personality, which is why I attract absolutely no one which explains why I don’t have a husband or friends.  Or it could be that men are jerks (see Dating section above).thCAROPVN4

I’m not confirming that is the case, I’m just throwing out theories because I just don’t know but this is where the depression stems from.

I’m going to be brutally honest here but, sometimes, I get so lonely that if there was a sharp object or even gun around, I can say that I would not be writing this post at all…it would be over.  I think it comes to that point because of the type of person I am.  I crave affection and human touch.  I haven’t had an adult hug me, that wasn’t my parents or sisters, in the past 10 years.

DID YOU READ THAT…10 YEARS!  It’s like my soul is dying inside of this shell of flesh I walk around in.  But I don’t give in because I just keep thinking, “Who would take care of my son”.  I mean if something did happen to me, my sister would step forward and even though we disagree on a lot, there are aspects of raising children we do agree on and I can trust to her follow my footsteps.  But I wouldn’t be there.

Damn Satan and his invention of Depression.

But then I move onto…..

Things I’m looking forward to….

Christmas, although this year, I really haven’t been feeling the cheer of it all.  Mainly that is because of the lack of funds for all the big things The Boy wants but then I get annoyed at his greediness and selfishness sometimes.  But it could also be because I’m just plain alone.  I have no one to share any of the season with, other than The Boy but that is not the same.  I put up all my decorations all alone and I sit, each night, looking at my tree, all alone.  It all really just makes me so depressed.

However, I do love this season.  I love that it gets cold (even though, as I get older I realized the cold does a nasty number on my bones).  I love seeing all the decorations and lights go up on houses and driving at night to see them.

There are also some fantastic movies coming out.  Saving Mr. Banks is #1 on my must see list, along with The Hobbit and Madea’s Christmas.  I enjoyed Thor immensely and really like the whole storyline and the tie up with all the Avengers and Shield.  Yeah, I’m a nerd like that but I love it.

Olaf-In-Frozen-Movie-HD-WallpaperI also saw Frozen and actually really enjoyed it.  My favorite character was Olaf, the talking snowman who likes warm hugs and longs to spend a day warm in the sun on the beach…poor delusional snowman.  There was one scene where he had me laughing long after the scene was over.  I haven’t laughed like that in so long it felt good.  I loved him so much, the next day I went to the Disney outlet and got me an Olaf plushie of my own.  I give him warm hugs.

Foremost……God

Ah yes, that omnipresence that hovers over me telling me not to give into sin and temptation yet insists I endure day after day of temptaion and sin topped with lonely heart ache.  The Good Lord is also turning out to be another love/hate relationship with me.  I will never understand why He thinks my life of loneliness will ever prompt me to want to follow Him fully and purely, but on the other hand, I still do.tumblr_lqqtbpkVFB1qj065bo1_500

It’s also apparent that even though I’ve lost enough weight to be down 8 sizes He makes a point to show me that the weight wasn’t the problem.  The fact that I’m pretty much the plainest and to put it simply, ugliest person on the planet, keeps me from ever getting rid of my life of loneliness.  Of course, in all of this I’m using satire (so don’t start telling me I have some sort of self perception disorder) to get the point across but the point is, God wants me to be alone.

Thanks God.  Let’s just come to terms with the fact that You’ve pretty much left me to rot in a sea of loneliness and even though You’ve made sure to flaunt every single happy couple in front of me during this lonely holiday season, I will still follow You because it’s better to be lonely in this life of flesh than burning for eternity in the Lake of Fire.

Right???  *sigh*

Last but not least…

funny-birthday-ecards-15I found one thing that I do very well.  Getting old

On Dec 2nd I turned 37 years old.  Big Friggin’ Deal is what I say.  I am not growing old gracefully and hate that my youth is being wasted away in these lonely, terribly lonely years I have to look forward to.  So my birthday is just a reminder of the day that this lonely life of mine began.   I could care less about it.

I think that all just about covers it.

It’s been a long time…..

It’s been a long time…with a lot going on.

On the weight front, I have not returned to the clinic nor am I taking the appetite suppressants at the present.  It has been tough to not eat anything and everything all the time.  I haven’t gained anything as I’m still exercising 4-5 times a week including weight lifting (my arms are getting muscles and the bat wings are disappearing) but I can see it creeping back over time if I don’t watch what I’m putting into my mouth.  I’ve consumed more chocolate and Almond Roca than I care to admit.  I will be returning to the clinic this Friday to sign up for another 10 weeks as I still need to get down another 40 pounds.  I need to get started on the medications again and get my vitamin shots.  But I am at a total of 60 pounds lost.  I am really going to have to get in the proper disciplined mind set for the upcoming food frenzied holidays.

Family drama is at its best, as usual.  What I have come to find is that if outside elements such as certain horrible skeletons in the closet and the sister’s of my mother, would not stick their claws into my mother’s, my sister’s and my life, we would actually be fine.  I’m just plain sick of it all.  However, my mother and I still disagree on a lot and we have nasty blow outs (this last Saturday being one which ended in her mocking my lonely depression pain by playing a “violin” and saying “whoa is me” and me tell her “fuck you”….yeah…it was ugly) BUT we always return to each other and unspoken apologies are…well…unspoken and I’ll accept an unspoken apology as opposed to no apology.

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Snickers

My cat is doing MUCH better.  He is my little Fuzzy Face and I love him SOOO much that it weirds me out how much I do!  He’s a brat though.  I got my Xmas tree up this past weekend and he was all over it playing with the ornaments but so far, nothing broken and he has since lost interest.

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My Christmas Tree

Speaking of getting my Xmas decorations, they are up.  I mean, sheesh, a local station is already playing Xmas music as I type this so what is wrong with getting my decorations up even before Thanksgiving.  I needed the holiday cheering up anyway and Xmas lights and Xmas songs will cheer me up every time.

I am still as lonely as ever.  I have, once again, come to the conclusions that I will never find a man to love me because of the horrific combination that I don’t trust men and that most are liars and cheats.  I know that sounds so cliché but I call it like I see it.  However, I’m taking the steps to get out of the overall lonely mode in general.  I’ve made friends with the parents of The Boy’s best bud in school.  I took both boys to the Ontario Fury Soccer game yesterday and it was fantastic!  The Boy is also going to be spending a day of Thanksgiving break with his friend so I get a night off.  It’s also nice to see a good, hard working family is a part of my kid’s life.

I am no longer going to Montana to visit my sister for Xmas.  The expense was going to be much but most of all, I couldn’t take a 3 days road trip with my mother and sister.  I know I would lose my mind and I know they would to, having to deal with me and my grumpy attitude sometimes.  Also, my car is not up to par.  I just had a quote of almost $1000 of work that needs to be done.  I had planned on going to San Francisco to the Walt Disney Museum over the Thanksgiving weekend but I had to fix my car and I couldn’t afford a rental.  So those repairs need to get done.

So, I’m taking that money I was going to spend and after sending out my niece and nephew their presents and getting all my other Christmas gifts (mostly gift cards), I’m getting a 3 day multi—pass to Disneyland and getting a hotel room nearby and spending the weekend after Xmas there.  I miss my Annual Pass tremendously (although I have a plan in the works on getting those back again) so I want to spend some time at my “Happy Place” and rejuvenate my smile again.

Other than that…I’m still here trekking along.

The Nothing….is winning

This will not be a fun happy post.  This will not recap all the wonderful things happening to me lately.  In fact, I would like to cover how my brain is slowly being taken over by The Nothing.

mx_040KeanuReevesFor those who have seen The Matrix, there is a scene, in the first film of that Trilogy, where Neo is hooked up and they are pulling him out of the Matrix and he begins to hallucinate that he is being covered with some sort of silver, metallic goo which slowly starts to cover his whole body

This is a perfect example of how The Nothing is slowly covering my soul.  I try to stay strong, be with God and believe He has a plan for me and my loneliness.  For the most part, I do believe He has a plan.  That plan is for me to be alone, to not have one friend (yes, I have not one single solitary friend) and He also plans for me to never find love.

On a daily basis, I do not enjoy this plan.  In fact, I give this plan the bird, because, even if I made mistakes in my past, I certainly am not deserving of this pain now.

So, let’s discuss pain.  I have found that heart ache, emotional and mental pain is so much worse than any physical pain I could ever feel.

I will now admit something which prompted me to make this blog private

On a daily basis, I have to stay away from sharp objects and garages where a car is left running and I’m sure you ALL understand what I mean.  Some days, I feel like any physical pain is better than this emotional torment that drags me the 7th level of hell.  On a daily basis, I want to just not exist anymore.

But then where would that leave my child?  The Boy who relies on me not being a bitch of a yelling mother to him.  It is enough that he has to occasionally deal with my outburst of mental instability.  Even though those occurrence are VERY few, they do happen.  Just last week, I lost it with him because I had told him, for the 5th time, to make his bed.  Where did I find him? In front of that damned TV.  I lost it.  The result was broken Chima Lego sets and everything on the floor and me yelling “Clean it UP!” before I stormed out of his room and slamming the door.

I did return to apologize, help him and explain WHY I had reached that point.  I’m done hearing myself nag.  However, I still felt he needed an explanation and an apology, something I never received in the almost daily occurrence of my own mother’s bipolar mental outbreaks (but now I understand why as she had 3 kids to deal with and one was not even hers) which usually included a lot more than just broken toys on the floor.  I’d be lucky if I walked away from those without a knot in my head or a bloody nose.  Of course, I had a mouth on me and that didn’t help.  But I digress…

I find it hard, lately, to find any hope in anything, to find any happiness in anything.  I have lost my smile, my laugh and I surely miss them.

I simply exist.  I go to work, pay my bills, feed my child, feed my cat and that is all.  I no longer eat (I do not exaggerate, I would say I get about 900 calories a day simply because food offers no joy anymore, neither in taste or anything) and wouldn’t have any food in the fridge if it weren’t for feeding a constantly hungry boychild.  I don’t sleep anymore, surviving on about 3-4 hours a night.

I’m tired of seeing the wicked of this world win…seeing people in relationships and using and/or abusing their significant others while I live a life of lonliness.  A life completely void of any human touch or affection.

It is this void that feeds The Nothing.  That void, which should be filled with love of another, is just a void and The Nothing ravishes this void with vigor.  It consumes me and makes me feel soul-less.

It will probably pass.  I will continue to go to work, feed my kid, do my exercise, pet my cat but I am a shell of a person just robotically swaying through the motions.

Inside, there just feels like nothing…

But hey, I did get a $25 AMC card for dressing up at work on Halloween. I get to see Thor this weekend…that is IF The Boy doesn’t complain because he doesn’t want to see it.

Yeah, can I just spend the rest of my life drunk?

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I know, bad title especially for those who do deal with drinking problems, but I really have to admit…these past few days I’ve just wanted to drink my existence into oblivion.

I’m so emotionally drained.  The cat threw up on Saturday but the reason why is unknown to me.  He may have eaten to fast or something.  He hasn’t thrown up again and is seeming to be doing fine.  He is VERY clingy to me now though.  Now, he only eats his dinner IN my lap, nowhere else.  I would feed him all meals in my lap if it would get him to eat and gain weight but I have to work and can’t.  So, only his dinners are in my lap, on the couch.  I will now have to work my evening schedule around lap feeding my cat.  What’s funny is if you knew this cat’s personality, being clingy and cuddly is NOT what this cat is about so the constant “I MUST be sitting right on your lap” attitude he’s adopted is new for me.  I like it, but then realize, it’s just another whiny, clingy living creature I have to contend with.

I also have to give him medications, twice a day.  Antacids, for the upset tummy and Antibiotics for the mouth infection.  Apparently, there is no easy way to give a cat medications through a syringe or dropper.  He fights me every time and sometimes, sprays the medication all over the place and me because he shakes his head.  This morning, I made the mistake of getting fully dressed for work BEFORE giving him his meds.  Let’s just say I had to change just before walking out the door.

The total cost for this whole ordeal, after 3 nights of hospitalization, the initial first visit and the two meds and special food: $916.00  I have no words….

Anyway, the other clingy, whiny creature I contend with is The Boy.  I swear, I love that kid to death but he seriously needs to just grow a pair.  Harsh, I know, but he whines and complains at every little scratch or bump.  He hit his head while playing soccer at school and got a sore in his mouth, where the ball hit him.  Now it’s whining and moaning every time he eats because it stings the sore.  I say suck it up kid!  You want to play ice hockey?  You gotta learn to suck it up!  Are you  bleeding? No.  Anything broken? No. Then suck it up!

I’m mean, I know but hell! I used to play volleyball with dislocated fingers and busted knees!  My coach would say “wrap that up and let’s go!  You’re our best setter!”

The Boy needs to suck it up….

On top of that, I had another riling verbal go at it with my mother and sister after church on Sunday.

My sister…I laugh at her sometimes.  Not because I’m making fun of her but because she is trying to hold onto the last dying hope that our mother will actually stop trying to control our lives and not have “selective amnesia” when it comes to things we say.  I’ve told my mother I do NOT like when The Boy interrupts our adult conversations just so he can get a game on her iPad or to get her to turn her mobile WiFi on.  He knows to NEVER do that with me nor when my sister and I our talking.  Yet, when my mother is there…he turns into a disrespectful little bugger.  It’s because she allows it.

So, apparently, my mother doesn’t remember the 50 times I’ve told her that I will not allow disrespectful interrupting from The Boy, even though my sister backed up pretty much each time I’ve told her, as she has heard me say it to our mother, multiple times.  Nope, I get a “You have NEVER told me that” from my mother.

It’s unbelievable…

Our mother is also pissed we aren’t going to a baby shower of a cousin we never see nor hardly even know.  The only reason this cousin haphazardly invited us, through our mother, is so she can get more gifts.  It’s so blatantly obvious.  Our mother wants us to go and why does she? Well, I would assume it would be to “show us off” per say.  Especially me, who has lost all kinds of weight.  Now, apparently, I look good enough for her to brag about it.  With my mother, it’s all about how we look to others.  So sad really.

So, my sister calls me yesterday evening, after that harrowing conversation we all had saying “why do I need to go somewhere because SHE wants me to”? I simply tell her “Uh…sweetie…you don’t.  You are 30 years old.  You can do whatever the hell you want.  I’ve been telling you this for years now”.  She knows that she needs to let go of trying to please our mother, as I have done many years ago.  She also needs to come to terms that our mother will always hand out the guilt trips when she doesn’t get her way and my sister needs to learn to just push away.  Being close to our mother is something my sister has always reveled in, compared to me, who has always tried to steer clear from getting to attached to her.  But I’ve told her, there is a REASON I keep my distance.  She may just have to learn the hard way.

She’ll soon see the whole picture for what it really is and understand why I deal with our mother as little as possible.

And with all this stress, I didn’t realize that I was ripping my fingers to absolute shreds.  My cuticles, every single one of them, are not now doused in antibiotic ointment and have a bandaid wrapped around them.  It got so bad that I couldn’t feel the tips of my fingers anymore.  I really need to get a hold of this disease.

It’s finally time!

In a few hours, I finally go to pick up my cat.  I’m nervous as to what the final amount will be that I have to pay them before they will release him to me.  I’m hoping it’s not to much and I told them that if they needed to do more than what was quoted to me, to let me know.  The only extra thing I told them to do was clip his nails.

I just want my cat back.  The visit yesterday was a bit harrowing.  He was not calm and very nervous.  They brought him in actually attached to the IV pole this time.  So, I was nervous having him walking around and wanting to jump off the table, afraid that the IV would rip out of his little leg.  His eyes were still wide and scared looking and this time, he didn’t calm down when I tried to hold him close and kiss his head.  He just wanted to run away.  Of course, he doesn’t understand that we are trying to make him feel better.  He probably thinks he’s being tortured and that kills me.

To add the icing on this miserable cake of mine, I think all this stress as of late is getting to me.  I am feeling sickness coming on.  I was fine as of a few hours ago, then suddenly, my nose itches, my head hurts and my throat feels scratchy.  It came on so quickly that I’m wondering if it’s just allergies, which could very well be the case.  Regardless, I’m going to be sitting on my couch tonight, hugging my cat, watching the Dodgers play against the Cardinals in Game 1.

Go Dodgers!

He wears the Cone of Shame

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So, my Baby Kitty is sporting the most infamous Cone of Shame.

The Boy and I rushed down to the hospital to visit with him after I picked him up from school.  When they brought him in the room he had an IV needle in his leg.  Apparently, he had been in the middle of one of his fluid treatments so he had to be unhooked from the bag to be brought to us.  We brought him his mousy toy but he wasn’t interested.  He hated that cone around his head.  I was holding him and talking to him and he kept looking up towards my voice but couldn’t see me because the cone wouldn’t let him move his head.  His eyes were very wide, like he was still unsure as to what the heck was going on.  I just bent down and kissed his head like I normally do when we cuddle on the couch.  He seemed like he wanted to run though.  So, I wasn’t sure if he recognized us at all but I did notice that only when I bent down to kiss his head and whisper at him, was when he would calm down.

The nurse did say that the vomiting has stopped and they are easing him back into it eating.  We will be going back again tonight to visit and should be able to bring him home tomorrow evening (after I pay another $300 *sigh*).

keep-calm-and-smile-don-t-cryI feel like I’ve been walking around the past few days with a HUGE lump in my throat.  Almost, like I could just start crying at any given moment.  Composing this post was hard enough to do without wanting to scream.  I want to cry all the time.  I’m pathetic.

Last night, I finally went to bed around 12:30 and just cried, yet again.  I really need to get a hold of myself.  But I tell myself, at least I’m falling apart in privacy and not at my desk at work, or in front of The Boy or something like that. I’m still functioning fine at work and interact with others without falling apart.  I’m staying strong when The Boy is watching me.  I”m actually proud of how The Boy has handled this.  He is keeping it together nicely and just doesn’t like to see me get emotional.But when I’m alone, after The Boy has long gone to sleep, I become a heap of a blubbering mess.

Sometimes, I really curse my over dramatic emotional character.

I cried…

I’ve had a little bit of time to let this all sink in.  I swing from telling myself this really just sucks to telling myself “Good Lord, woman! Pull yourself together! It’s just a cat!”

Last night, I didn’t finally go to bed until way past midnight, but that has been the normal occurrence with me lately, even before this whole fiasco.  When I finally did go to bed, I opened my bedroom window, as is the habit because that is where he likes to stand, perched on his cat tree and staring out into the night.

I laughed at myself and turned to go to bed.  As I laid down, I patted the mattress. *pat..pat* as is the custom when I’m telling him I’m in bed now and he can jump up with me, but only if he wants.  Most of the time he never does.

Then I cried….I cried and cried.  I cried because I knew I finally could.  The Boy was asleep and wouldn’t see me.  That kid was actually pretty strong when we said goodnight to him last night and left him at the hospital.

But I cried and I thought things like  “that dumb cat…” and “it’s JUST A CAT!”

Maybe he is just a cat, but he is still flesh and blood.  I saw his xrays.  I saw his organs and bones.  That was actually pretty neat.  He has a functioning brain.  However, being flesh and blood means, he gets diseases and apparently kidney disease is pretty common.

Tonight, at 5:00 pm, I will rush out of work to go pick up The Boy then rush to the Hospital and visit with him.  The Boy wanted us to bring his toy mouse, which is sitting in my car right now.  Then it will be goodbye’s again and I repeat that for the next three days.

Photo from vet-pet-health-advice.com

The bright side is that Kidney Disease is treatable and he wasn’t given a death sentence.  He will need to take medications or I will probably have to give him at home fluid therapy, something I will have to learn how to do.  I’m also going to need to put him on a special diet, all of which will be explained to me better when I pick him up but I have done some reading on this and I am kind of aware of what I will have to do to treat him.

The grand total for yesterday, after the physical exam, the blood work, urine tests and after the 60% down for his 3 night hospital stay was about $650 I needed to pay up front.  When I pick him up Friday, I’ll need to pay the other 40%.  Luckily, for me, my step-grandmother would have nothing of it when she heard me telling my mother that I couldn’t do that and was just going to take whatever medications I could afford and bring him back home.  She told my mother to charge it on her Care Credit card and I’ll be paying her back in payments.  She also has an 8 year old orange tabby and is a huge cat lover.  She almost flipped her lid when I said I couldn’t get him hospitalized to get the IV fluids in him to hydrate him again.  Believe me…you do NOT want to have a little old Cuban woman scolding you in Spanish.  It can be very intimidating.  I took her offer.

So, I feel a bit guilty that I possibly couldn’t have afforded to keep him in the hospital to get his IV and that I had to borrow a large chunk of money to get him hospitalized but I’ll be paying her back and they know I’m good for it.  Fitting payments into my budget is a lot better for me than just shelling out almost $1000 for this whole thing, at once.

I wished that I could have a back up credit card or something for things like this.  I can’t afford to keep a savings because I live paycheck to paycheck and no company will even give me a credit card because I have 2 BK’s on my record.  So, I am a bit worried about whether I will be able to keep up with the cost of his medications.

But I’m going to try not to think about that.  I just want these next three days to go by quickly, mostly for The Boy’s sake.

I swear, I am going to be in a horrific state when that cat does die.  My kid held it together better yesterday than I did when we were saying goodbye to him.  I’m such an emotional freak of nature sometimes.

For the first time in almost 4 years, I’m worried about my furbaby

There is something wrong with him.  It’s been a gradual “something” over the past few months.

First, he was super finicky about his foods and I was bouncing back and forth trying to find what he liked.

Then, he straight out refused dry food of any kind, so I stuck to only wet food.

Then, he began losing weight, or so it seemed, I wasn’t sure.  His back end is super thin around his tailbone and hind legs and his stomach sinks in when he walks (it’s hard to describe).  He still eats but not a whole lot and he eats in sessions, meaning he eats small amounts over time.  That is hard for me because I’m at work during the day so I can’t keep refilling his food on an hourly basis and if the food stays on his plate to long, he refuses it.  This is a new problem.

I’ve also noticed, as of late, when he eats, he has a gag type reflex.  He’ll eat, then kind of open his mouth and heave like something is stuck somewhere and he’s trying to get it out.  Usually, he’s fine after a few seconds.

He also drools, a lot.  I thought that was normal but I was told by my cousins’ husband, who owns three Vet clinics in Orange County, that drooling is not normal and it could mean he’s nauseated.

Then, this morning, he threw up for the first time, ever.  I know he did hack a hairball about a year ago but that was all he’s ever done in the 3/12 years I’ve had him.  I fed him when I got up, like I normally do and he ate.  Then about 3 minutes later, he threw everything he had just ate back up.  I was just about to leave for work when he did this so I left a bit more on his plate just in case he wanted to eat more.

Now, I’m sitting here at work, just sickened with worry and wondering what I need to do.  I have a vet appointment for him on Saturday but now, I’m debating whether I should call the vet and ask if they can see him tonight.

Worse than this, I feel like I did something wrong.  I was bending over backwards to get him food he would eat and now I feel dumb thinking I read somewhere that drooling in cats is normal.  Maybe I read that about dogs?  But I feel riddled with guilt that I didn’t take care of him properly.  Or that I didn’t take him to the vet sooner.

I’m going to make some phone calls in a bit here, I might have to get my parents to take The Boy to hockey practice tonight.

“Man, she got SKINNY!”

It’s been a long time but here is yet another Tarantino’d posts……..

“Man, she got skinny!!!”

Why did The Boy tell me the above….

Let’s go back…..Let’s go back….

I had completely forgotten to blog this experience.  It was one of the highlights of my weight loss journey and it comes from a small child.  The children are so innocent….yet VERY honest and that is what makes them brilliant!

A few Friday’s ago, I had picked up The Boy early from after school care.  I pulled into the parking lot and being that it was early, no cars were there.  They were on the field and he saw me pull up.  I got out, waved at him and got right back in the car to await his arrival.

Upon entering the car he told me his classmate asked him if that was his mother, waving at him from the parking lot.  He said yes and then his classmate said to him “Man, she got SKINNY!”

Kids are truly straight forward, blunt and honest humans.

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I have to be honest with myself

I have had the weekend to think over this situation and to make my final analysis of it.  I’ve given the scenario to persons that are both personally biased (my mother and sister) and personally un-biased (my co-worker and my sister’s friend) and all of them have come to the same conclusion.

WTF!

While I sat in Church on Sunday I realized, once again, that everything being said, all the points being made, were relating to me or so I wanted them to be.  It was based on Titus and what Christians should do while waiting for Jesus to return.  The main points were that we should continue to bring as many as we can to Christ THROUGH our works and the way we live our lives.  And by that, I do not mean Bible Beating…if anyone has read my blog enough they will know that, yes, I am a Christian and believe in God, yes I am also human and will get mad at God sometimes only to realize that it was I who needed to change my perspective, but most certainly, NO I will not bible beat you with my beliefs to get you to understand.

This made me think. “The way we live our lives”.  I know after my long history with religion (Not GOD, but RELIGION. Remember God and religion are NOT one and the same), I’ve come to be VERY intolerant of those who say “I go to church and I am a Christian” yet live such questionable lives.

It’s a very slippery slope for my own walk.  I most certainly do not want to come off judgmental because Lord knows I’m no Angel myself.  I also don’t want to come off that I think I’m a better “Christian” than any other Christian.  Yet, the Bible tells us to act as disciples of Christ IN OUR DAILY LIFE (2 Peter 1:5) and I know I try to do that by resisting temptation and such but when someone says “I go to church” and then thinks it’s ok to be in a committed relationship yet have women on the side, whether to “play” with or just be friends with, I want to rescue them.

However, I have chosen to run from it.  Our light shines through OUR ACTIONS.  I hope that my action of stating to him I do not condone that behavior nor do I want to have my impressionable son think that it is ok to behave that way or that I condone that behavior by remaining his friend.  I would like to show this man the error of his ways in proclaiming he is a Christian yet not living as we are told in the Bible to live, as Christians. (Again, not wanting to be judgmental as I struggle daily with being human and making mistakes).

My decision was not to confront him but to let that action speak for itself and it’s in God’s hands now.

I had hoped that my action of being the first female to not accept being a “friend” to someone who is in a committed relationship, shines as a light and not as a Bitch.  He did ignore me completely this morning and that is actually totally fine as I was going to cut off interactions with him.  However, I had hoped that maybe he would have said “Wow, no woman I’ve run into has ever made the move she did…I wonder what she is about and what makes her think like that”.  I say that not because I want to BE in a relationship with him because regardless, I never could.  I would just want him to see maybe why he may be having so much trouble in his current life with his kids’ mother, and with the school calling CPS on him and the problems that his daughter has.  The correlation between his current life struggles and his current life choices are astounding when you step back and look at it.

Doesn’t respect his committed relationship—> Gets CPS called on him by teachers from the school

Just “warming” a seat in a church —> Problems with kids and ex-wife (both mentally and emotionally)

Now, this thinking does not EVER imply that I don’t have my share of problems due to whatever reason, but I have found that when I keep myself on the right path and resist temptation, suddenly, money is in my bank account or my kid gets a good grade on a test in school.

However, when I start to give in to temptation and stray, suddenly my account goes into the minus and my kid falters in his schoolwork. These are just examples.

Another amazing personal example is my weight loss.  I have been on the yo-yo since I can remember but this is the FIRST time I’ve actually been able to lose weight, on my own (no Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers) and have not gained it ALL back yet.  Usually by this time in the weight loss game (I’m at 5 months on October 4th), I would have given up and gained it all back plus more.  Not only is that NOT happening but the weight keeps coming off.  Why is that? Because I decided that it wasn’t for looks or to catch the eye of someone (although that does come with the territory).  It was mainly because my body is a Temple and in ALL the walks in our life we should respect God.  That includes food and drink and what we put into our bodies.  I’m sure gluttony was not a favorite thing for God to see me doing.

I also quit smoking to, even if I did only smoke occassionally.

So what is it that I have to be honest with myself about, as the title suggests?  After all, I am a Sagittarius and as such, I must remain honest.  Ha!

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Well, that is simply this:

I really don’t think a relationship is just in the cards for me at this time or even in the near future.  I just can’t stomach putting The Boy through a possible unsuccessful relationship after he may have developed his own relationship with the man.

I also can’t stomach the possible dangers I put The Boy in by not knowing a person and not knowing what he’s like.  I had been interacting with this last person on and off, daily through random “hello’s” and “how are you’s” at the kids’ school and such since the summer time.  Yet, he was as deceitful as ever.

A Facebook friend (also a male), when I posted this story on my FB, asked me not to judge all men based on a couple of assholes and I responded that I won’t.

However, I am just kidding myself with that response.  As much as I really REALLY don’t want to, by default, I will.  Maybe I won’t JUDGE, in the sense of the word, but I will damn sure be very caution of any male that comes along and that may result in me pushing them all away for any little reason.  I’m just being honest with myself.

thCANKBF1KOf course, I am a bit shaded after all this.  After 10 YEARS of no dating or being in a relationship, since my divorce,  I step out of my box and this happens.  I let one wall down and after all this, 5 more walls came right up in its place and that is probably how it’s going to be for the next 10 years.  I can’t put not only my heart at risk, but my kids’ to.

So, my conclusion is that I will not be pursuing men anymore.  My lack of trust in them is way to deep right now.  Yet, my lack of trust for humans in general is the main culprit.  I’m just going to concentrate on getting my kid to adulthood and continuing to get myself into better health.

That is it and that is all.

“Oh, I thought I mentioned her…”

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Yes, yes it is….

The guy has a girlfriend.

He said it yesterday afternoon while we were in the parking lot to pick up the kids.  I had just invited him and his kids to dinner at Hometown Buffet stating I planned to be there just after picking up The Boy.

In regards to my invitation, which, by the way, was strictly to HIM and his 2 kids, as my text to him said “Would YOU and the kids like to join The Boy and I for dinner at Hometown Buffet?”………He responds with “S. isn’t around until 6:45“.

Who the fuck is S.??” is instantly what I THINK.  However, being that I can’t react that way and must stay cool, calm and collected, I ask, “Who is S.?

He says, “S. is my girlfriend. I thought I mentioned I had a girlfriend“.

Uh, NO motherfucker! You never mentioned a girlfriend!  What you DID mention was that you had an EX-girlfriend.  WTF!!!!!”, is what I THOUGHT, however, keeping in that cool, calm and collected mode, what I say is “Oh, okay“.  Apparently, S. is not the ex-girlfriend I remember him mentioning.

Little does he know, his number lasted no longer than 2 days in my phone and all interaction, even the parking lot meetings at the kid’s after care, will soon cease and desist.

MjAxMy1lNDNjZmUyYmEzNjFhZGZl_52322339627d7_rcI’m actually surprised at my initial reaction to this, even after having some time to let it sink in.  My heart didn’t sink to my stomach as it normally would have in the past.  I waited for that sinking feeling, it never came.  I actually laughed inside.  I laughed inside because he thought he could actually play this game with me.  He thought he could request my number, answer my “get to know you” questions and even ask some of his own and then just randomly say, “oh yeah, I have a girlfriend but HEY we can totally keep flirting with each other and get together with the kids and please keep inviting me places….I LOVE having my cake and eating it to!”

And please don’t anyone try and tell me he didn’t know what he was doing or he didn’t know I was interested….he knew, believe me, he knew.  I don’t really care whether he was being innocent, naive or just plain stupid.  He knew EXACTLY the game he was playing.  And the only reason the girlfriend probably even came up again was because she was probably due to be there pretty soon.  Can’t cover up someone who is standing right there!

He claims that this girlfriend information has come out in one of our conversations.  I would have remembered that because I would not have pursued him any further nor offered him the Motocross tickets.  Backed into a corner much there, Buddy?

So, I laid it out for him because I’m not one to tip toe around the fucking elephant in the room.

I said “Look, I don’t want to step on toes. If you have a girlfriend, I don’t want to make you, nor her, uncomfortable by inviting you places.”  This statement was actually totally true.  I, personally, don’t think that a man who is in a committed relationship should, in ANY way, be accepting event tickets from other women AND going with those woman to the event, without his girlfriend.  Call me old fashioned but I have no respect for that.

He replies, “She understands that I mostly have women friends. I have to flirt a lot in Renaissance Faire booth to sell my stuff.”  Yeah, if your girlfriend accepts this behavior of yours, as you claim, I wonder about her own respect for herself.

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Yeah buddy, you aren’t helping your cause much here. You may need a bigger shovel to continue digging your own grave there.

At that point, I just wanted to run in disgust.  He was one of THOSE men.  Blegh….

I excused myself with some excuse about needing to go eat and being hungry and said my goodbyes.  I turned to get in my car and a face looked at me that made this all sink in suddenly.

I saw my boy, sitting in the car, waiting.  He had been behind me and encouraging me about all this for the last few weeks.  He liked this guy but I think it’s only because he was just that, another guy.  He was disappointed and that is when I started to hurt, but hurt for my boy.

However, The Boy and I moved on.  We had a great dinner together and even had a few laughs over this whole debacle and I still waited for the sad, depression, feelings followed by hours of blubbering, about all this, to hit.  They never did.

Instead, after dinner, I went down to the gym and I pummeled the treadmill.  I ran like it meant each step would stomp his head in.  I talked with God, thanking Him for keeping me on my toes.  Ha ha, great test run, God.  Let’s move on now?

I didn’t cry, I didn’t even want to.  I just wanted to run and listen to my music….and run.  The only thing crying for me was my fat, because……..

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After my workout, I said to The Boy that it was time to get our Halloween lights up.  That is exactly what we did and they turned out pretty good!  This is the first year we are in an upstairs unit so the railing on the balcony is going to be put to good use.

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Halloween is here! (actual photo of my balcony)

And there you have it.  It was the saga of the man who thinks he can have his cake and flirt with it to.

Unbelievable, which is something I kept saying all throughout my Hometown Buffet dinner.  So much so, that The Boy and I started to make a joke out of it.  But as it states above, I’m not just a little piece of cake…I’m the whole damned buffet AND dessert line, Bitch!  And there is NO way I’m giving HIM a referral to my apartment complex….he had the actual nerve to ask for one.  Good Lord……

So yeah, thanks God, for showing me what I’m missing.  Now, moving on!
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Life is like being on a sailboat in a rough sea storm…

Good LORD this week should be labeled Bipolar Week.  My emotions are just ALL over the place.

Tuesday, was the parent/teacher conference where I was told my kid was basically failing everything and couldn’t focus.  I left the conference in tears.  I walked to the car and bawled.  I then had to compose myself and go to work.

red-eyes-blink-monsterI found out yesterday, from my older sister who has 2 kids, another parent from The Boy’s class and my co-worker that all their kids, did or are going through the same thing.  I guess kids just have no self control and no focus (naw…ya think?).  I shouldn’t be surprised really but still, that little red-eyed Monster creeps up behind me whispering the devilish words like “you are failing your child” and “you are a big failure at EVERYTHING you do…”.  I hate that Monster.

Tuesday night brought about a yelling match with my oh so stubborn 9 year old.  Ok, now, I KNOW he gets the stubbornness and the need to argue with everything from me but I really don’t believe, at his age, I was as outright mouthy as he is.  It’s not disrespect, as far as the content of what comes out of his mouth.  He just HAS to have the last word.  He just HAS to argue everything.

Sometimes I want to run out of the apartment, screaming…..

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But I can’t and I have to sit there, stare at him and resist the urge to beat him senseless.  Of course, I would never beat him….ever.  But Lord Almighty God in Heaven…that boy really wants to see if I would be tempted to.

Yesterday was a bit better.  We went to the family night book fair and he enjoys buying new books and I love seeing him read them.  He got an Adventure Time comic book and something about a dinosaur.  I was looking at all the girly stuff, sometimes wishing I had a girl to be all girly with…but then get snapped back into reality when I realize I probably couldn’t handle the dramatics of a girl, but still miss having a girl around.

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The Boy can give me some super Academy Award winning dramatics so I can only IMAGINE what a girl child of mine would give me!  Makes me shudder.  I know I suppress my Drama Queen genetics just as much as I suppress and fight my obesity genetics.  I most certainly got my fair share from the shallow end of the gene pool.  So The Boy…he is all me.  Honestly, I would rather The Boy have MY drama genetics than his father’s asshole genetics.

Anyway, his bearded dragon has been put on hold, indefinitely.  He moaned and groaned about that and I was torn to shreds seeing him hurt and crying (I really need to literally grow a pair of man balls to deal with this kid sometimes) but it had to be put on hold.  I could not fathom rewarding failing grades and disruptive behavior in class with a new pet.  I try not to be a pushover, and for the most part, I’m not, but to see him crying breaks my heart and then I find myself all up in tears and needing to just lie on my bed, in fetal position, crying buckets.

Oh and I yelled a lot.  He knows that when I reach the point of yelling…my patience is at it’s end and he should go run for the hills.  Although I don’t know why.  I still will never lay a hand on him.

Praying woman hands

So Dear Lord, I’m so done being a single mother now.  Can I please hand the reigns over to a man to help me with this boy of mine.  You didn’t give me a penis nor testosterone so can you send some of that over my way (in the form of a human, of course).

K Thanks bye!

I guess that’s what happens when I try to find my happiness…

I get shut down again.

What was I thinking I could actually do something for myself and be selfish enough to concentrate a little more on my health and body, enough to have lost 50 lbs.  How selfish of me!

How selfish of me to think I could actually TRY and find love or even a friend or two, being that I have no friends!

I’m just a selfish stupid idiot because I knew that something would pull me back in telling me “hey, you have NO right to be happy.  You must sacrifice every ounce of your happiness or finding it because…you have a kid to raise.

Today, I’m mad

Today, I do not want to be a mother.

After a teacher conference early this morning, I come to find out, The Boy is not doing as good as I thought.  I guess I’m just not as intuitive as I would hope to be.  He’s pretty much failing every class.  The teacher says that she thinks he can do the work and he isn’t being  purposefully or disrespectful.  He just loses concentration.

He is the human form of Doug and the dogs in Up.

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Could it be ADHD? Maybe.

Will I give him the drugs? NEVER!!

It is also a combination of he is just a silly clown and likes the attention.

However, I’ve tried everything I could.  I take away things but he is who he is.

The worst is that I have NO ONE to confide in about this. Not one person.  I tell my mother very little because, well that would come back and bite me in the ass later.  I tell my sister very little well because, she is tied up in her own life.

I’m not doing good at this very moment.

But here I am at work having to put a fake stupid smile on my face while the black loneliness is creeping in again and I have no one to talk to.  I just want to end this failure and hopelessness I feel. End it for good.

On top of that…this ovarian pain is wanting to make me scream for real.  I can’t even stand up straight.  It hurts all on my left side.  But do I get to go to the doctor to check it out? Nope…I have a FUCKING KID TO RAISE!  No one else will do it or help me.  I swear to God that someday, I’m just going to drop dead because I have other obligations to tend to other than helping myself.

I’m the person in a room full of people….screaming…and no one cares to hear me or help.

Oh and the guy?  He’s avoiding me…..or so it seems.

So fuck you life!

God gave me an answer…

I know that recently, I shook my fists, per say, in the face of God.  I hoped He understood that I was frustrated and confused.  I didn’t understand how my loyalty to myself and to Him through myself was not being rewarded.

He answered….with Love, as is His way.  I returned that answer with a visit to Church on Sunday to give Him thanks for His forgiveness and for not leaving my side.

I will not go into to much detail as to my Saturday evening with him but I will say, it was positive.  There was good conversation and the event we were at was family friendly, (my kid was there as was his father who he brought with one of the two tickets I gave him) and the environment allowed for casual interaction.  No pressure at all.  The suite we were in has 12 seats plus 4 bar seats, one of the bar seats I was in.  Out of 15 seats to choose from he chose to sit RIGHT next to me at a bar seat.  That was a plus for me!  Also, he got me a margarita and said he found the VIP lounge, something that our suite tickets have access to.  So he said next time we go to an event we should try and be kid free and hit the VIP lounge.  Uh…yes please!!

Overall, the evening, I believe, leaned very much towards the positive side of the spectrum.  He was very receptive to my questions regarding his past and he had enough interest in my side of the conversation.  We had a few laughs and cracked some jokes with each other.

I spent hours on beautifying myself before going.  I straightened my hair so it was like long black silk.  I put my glasses away and did the contacts (dealing with the itchy eyes) and put on makeup.  I looked like a really beauty as I did not have multiple chins and my skin was like white porcelain since my face has been smoothing and clearing up since eliminating greasy foods from my diet.  For the first time in my life, I looked in the mirror after I was all done with face, hair and putting the outfit together and I said to myself “wow….just wow…”.

It was an amazing feeling.  However, to top off that amazing feeling was the feeling I felt after I saw his eyes, staring at me when he saw me.  Usually, he sees me at the parking lot of the kids’ school, with glasses and frazzled from a crazy day at work.  He stared for quite some time.  Maybe I was reading into it to much.  Honestly, I don’t care because regardless, it felt phenomenal.

For me, it’s all about the children.  Whether this grows into something or not, those kids are super adorable and they deserve to have positive interactions as much as possible in their lives.  Since having my own child and interacting with other children, I’ve learned to embrace their innocence and sometimes just laugh at their reactions to certain situations, no matter how ridiculous or frustrating those reactions can be.

I would be tickled pink to get to know his children more, especially the girl.  Being a single mother to a boy has allowed for a lot of my “girly” nature (something of which I barely had to begin with) to pretty much disappear.  Their mother, his ex-wife, according to him, is an addict and all around not good person.  From what information he volunteered to tell me, she is on the way out of the kids’ lives soon enough.  She is the lowest of the low to abandon her children and has a warm seat in hell, next to my ex-husband who abandoned his son.  So when she is with the kids she is not a mother to her daughter as a mother should be.  They don’t do their hair or dress up pretty.  According to him, their mother is actually a gross person who doesn’t shower…..no joke, that is what he said!  I just didn’t understand how any woman in their right mind could let themselves go far enough to not showering when they had a husband like him.  Granted, I don’t know anything about him personally but on the surface, he is a good looking gentlemanly guy.

So sad for the children.

I was a bit discouraged that phone numbers weren’t exchanged at the end of the evening, especially after discussing getting his kids and my Boy together for outings, but all in all, still very positive vibes were felt.  I have a problem with impatience.  When I want something I want it NOW.  I must tell myself to be patient or I may chase him away.

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Anyway, it was very positive.  I am taking The Boy to see Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2 this weekend or possibly go bowling and I’m considering inviting him and his kids to come with us.  So, hopefully, phone numbers get exchanged soon (I still see him regularly at the kids’ school when we pick them up) so we can get the kids together.

However, my sister advises that, since I offered the event tickets to him for Saturday, that was my turn and now, the ball is in HIS court and I should wait for HIM to ask for my number.

What do you all think?!?!?

Hey! No Fair!!

The Daily Prompt today hit WAY to close to home.  So much so, that I felt obligated to write about it.

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Daily Prompt: No Fair

Tell us about something you think is terribly unfair — and explain how you would rectify it.

I guess I find it hard to actually utter the words “That is NO FAIR!” without sounding like a spoiled little 5 year old.  However, all the time there are situations that are just simply, not fair.

514_230x230_NoPeelI recently gave the proverbial finger to God regarding this unfairness and then became afraid I might be smite down with His vengeance.  I wasn’t.  Instead, I was presented with a possible positive answer from Him regarding my loneliness but upon further inspection, it’s just another dead end and once again, I’ve had the carrot dangled in front of me and I followed like a dumb donkey.

Just last night, after this realization that I’m a fool for trying, I actually spent the evening, during my workout, during my shower, grooming after my shower and while watching T.V., either uttering or thinking the words “It just isn’t fair” while I intermittedly cried.

I work DAMN hard to be able to house and take care of myself and my son, on my own, with little help from family and NO help from his father, my ex-husband, except some money monthly.  As of lately, I’ve been working DAMNED hard to get 50 lbs off my body and still losing!  I look much more appealing to the eyes now.  As superficial as that is, it is the truth.  I think, it’s not fair that I run my ASS off on a daily basis on a stupid treadmill, don’t eat any of the sweets I enjoyed before to be able to lose the most weight I’ve ever lost, only to be over looked, yet again, by ANY man’s eye, just as if I was fat all over again!  I had a prospect (the “carrot” I speak of above) but it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.  I thought it was, but I was fooling myself.  I was, once again, over looked.

According to all that is fair, I have nothing to offer anyone.  If that is true, then that is beyond sad.

When does it become MY turn to be happy?

When does it become MY turn to have love?

When does it become MY turn to enjoy myself?

The-Nothing-2In the end, it isn’t fair that my ex-husband, who left his only son and never looked back, gets to have multiple relationships while I stay single and probably, eventually, an old maid, while I put all my energy into raising HIS son and continuously put my own needs to the side.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my son more than anything on the earth but the loneliness……there are some moments it gets so bad I feel like walls of blackness are caving in on me, shutting me in and I can’t breathe and I think The Nothing is finally here to take me.

I mean WHAT THE HELL!

It just isn’t fair.

Fine! Then what would I do to make it fair?

I honestly don’t know.  I know life isn’t fair and that is just how it is.  It just seems that the unjust and wicked are getting the upper hand and maybe they are.  I just have to tell myself that I am the one who is the better person for sticking around, raising and loving my child, even if my ex-husband didn’t want to.  I have to tell myself I am the one who wins a few more moments of life with every pound I lose and not just to get a man to love me.

So, in essence what isn’t fair can also be seen as what I win by working hard and when I feel lonely at the end of the day because my life has lead me down a friendless and loveless road, I just have to remind myself that my goals are being accomplished.

Even if no one else cares.

Endurocross it is!

I swear, I lost my estrogen a LONG time ago!  All I do now are “boy” things!

We are going to another Motocross event and I’m excited, just not excited for the noise as those bikes are super loud but man these are some talented (and HOT) guys.  The last Motocross event we went to, the loud popping sound effects mixed in with the loud motorcycles blew my ear drums out.  But it was a small price to pay to the Motocross gods.  It was fun.  That event was a show though, not a race.  This event tomorrow, is a race.

Photos from an event in Las Vegas May 3, 2013.  Photos from endurocross.com and by Drew Ruiz

It’s just another reason for me to LOVE having a son!  And damn do I spoil him! HA!

NOTHING tastes as good as this feels….

I swear, in all my years, I thought I could never get over the fact that I could eat a whole chocolate cake by myself.  It was like there was nothing better than the taste of food and sweets.

I have found what is better.  This feeling, is far better than any chocolate.  This feeling is far better than any cheeseburger.  By “this” I mean my Mojo.

I had mentioned before about the single father of a girl in The Boy’s class.  We drop the kids off at the same time just about every morning and sometimes we pick them up at the same time in the afternoon.

Since school started in the 1st week in August, we have just been parental ships passing by each other just about every day.  I noticed no ring on his finger and never saw a woman dropping the kids off.  His daughter is in The Boy’s class and I found out from him that she has no mother living with them and lives only with her dad and younger brother.

Doesn’t THAT sound very familiar? It was then, I started giving him a “Good Morning” along with some smiles.  It was also then that I stopped putting my hair in a “librarian” bun on the top of my head every day and makeup, started appearing on my face.  All the while, I’m dropping more and more weight, yet gaining more and more Mojo.

(As a side note, I would like to remind all that I have not dated (seriously) nor been in a relationship since my divorce 9 years ago.  So in essence, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.)

piglet-1Moving on, yesterday, I found us at the sign in book, together.  He was waiting for me to sign The Boy out.  He hands me a pen and I say “thanks” (almost inaudibly) and never really make eye contact.  It was then I realized that my shyness could seriously come off as snobbery which is FAR from what I am like at all.  I’m just shyer than Piglet in his own movie!

This must change.

Last night, I told myself that if he happens to be there when I drop off The Boy the next morning, I would make a point to say hello, make eye contact and introduce myself as The Boy’s mother and confirm he is the father of the girl in The Boy’s class.  I would also take it as a sign from God if he happens to be there as sometimes, our paths do not cross on certain mornings.

Thusly, this morning, I got dressed and left at the normal time, got to school to drop The Boy off and noticed as I was pulling into the parking lot, there it was…his white mini van (yes, he drives a mini van).  He is no where to be seen however.  I pull up and park right next to it.

Hmmm……

I get out and look up, there he comes.  Timing couldn’t have been MORE perfect.  We literally cross paths as I’m getting out of my car and he is getting into his.  I do as I promised myself.  I say hello, say that his daughter is in my son’s class.  He asks something of The Boy that I didn’t really hear because I had the sun shining in my eyes and I was trying to commit to making eye contact but avoid the sun burning my eyes out of their sockets.  Now that I think of it, I don’t even think The Boy heard because he never answered him.  Anyway, I smiled, then told him I felt I should at least introduce myself since we’ve been crossing paths just about every day since early August and our children are in the same class.  I gave him my name, he gave me his (with a smile) and we parted as I told him to have a great day.

The best part of this interaction was that he was not rushed to leave my presence.  He was making eye contact and talking and he even interacted with The Boy (a HUGE plus).  If he hadn’t been rushed to get to work, it could have turned into a full fledged conversation, I believe.

Overall, it was a very positive interaction and I’m hoping it opened the gates for more interactions in the future, whether it be small talk in the morning because we are needing to get to work or a bit lengthy on a Friday afternoon when there really isn’t anywhere to get to.

Regardless of whatever outcome happens, the whole thing broke down a few walls that I’ve built around myself.  That is for sure.

However, I know that this will probably lead no where and I wouldn’t be surprised nor disappointed if it didn’t but, it is still good to know that after many years of wallowing in my fat and psychological defeat, I can win my confidence back.  In the very least, this situation has shown me that.

I will continue with the smiles and small talk every day with him as much as I can.  I will continue to run my heart out on the treadmill and lose another 45 pounds.  I will continue to put makeup on daily and putting the great smelling Jasmine leave in conditioner in my hair which makes it look like silk in the wind.

Who knows what the future holds?  But what I do know is that no chocolate cake or cheeseburger EVER tasted as good as the smile on my face driving to work this morning felt.  Regardless of the outcome, that feeling was WINNING!

Also, should I wonder that his name just happens to be one of my favorite names of all time?  I won’t put it here but it starts with a B.

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Hmmm..maybe that little “finger” I gave to God, woke Him up?

Sometimes…I just want to give God the finger

Yes, you are assuming correctly.  This post will not be fun.  It will not be easy.  It may very well ex-communicate me from owning any property in the Kingdom of Heaven but it simply has to be said.  Because I’m just pissed!

Dear God,

Sometimes, I just want to give You the finger.

Matthew 4:19

“Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will send you out to fish for people.”

Then, I do follow…and the road You lead me down hurts beyond belief!  It’s lonely.  It’s frustrating.  It breaks my heart multiple times.

Is this Your “love”?

Matthew 19:21

Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

Ok, no problem.  I will live simply, yet pure.  Still the pain and heart ache continue.  I never find my laugh or smile.  I just walk down this path that leads to The Nothing.

I’m reminded of a scene from a movie called The Devil’s Advocate:

“Look, but don’t touch”

“Touch, but don’t taste”

“Taste, but don’t swallow”

Really?  Do You really watch us from up there and laugh as we bounce back and forth trying to obey Your word so that we will be blessed in the Kingdom of Heaven?  While those who scoff and mock you (maybe ex-husbands who were out right atheists) get all the joy?

I would like to hope not.  I can see why non-believers question You so much.

You have given us free will.  You have given us the right to choose our actions.  Yet, why does it feel that when I choose the path of righteousness, You turn Your back and go “ha…ha, tricked ya!”

Photo from mycomicshop.com

Photo from mycomicshop.com

Is this Bizarro World?  I think it is because it looks like the wicked souls and evil hearts of this world are not only getting off scott free but enjoying it as well. I just found out today that my ex-husband, is yet again with another woman.  While I’m sure this relationship of his will be just as meaningless as all the others after me, at least he gets to a relationship, period.   And don’t ask me how I found out.  That doesn’t matter but from what I know, he’s had a few different relationships and that is a few more than I ever had in the past 10 years.   And believe me, this isn’t jealously talking…and if it is, the only thing I’m jealous about is that he gets to live his life with little worries while I get stomach ulcers trying to raise a kid and keep my sanity.

Oh, why have I not had relationships, You may ask?  Well, I don’t know why You would ask that. You are up there looking down at me, maybe laughing, as I jump Your ropes, go to Your churches and praise Your name.  But in case You do decide to blame the fact that I’m human, well the reason I’ve been utterly alone is because I’m raising a child.  This is the same child that the aforementioned ex-husband abandoned, to be fatherless.  Yet YOU feel the need to give that man freedom, relationships and a relatively stress free life while I deal with doctor appointments, whining attitudes, homework/teachers, teaching a human how to be a decent person (and praise Your name) and worst of all…loneliness.

Did I not choose wisely enough for You?  Was deciding to follow through on my actions and raise a child that didn’t deserve to be abandoned not righteous enough for You?  I guess that isn’t enough for You since you feel the need to torture me more and more as the years go on.

It isn’t enough that You gave me the physique and looks of Quasimodo so that I have to work extra hard just to keep up with the slowest metabolism on the planet, another quality that you so graciously granted me.  And of course, it isn’t enough that I should even be remotely rewarded for actually losing the most weight ever except maybe to probably live longer but live longer in this lonely existence you gave me?!  Doesn’t seem like a reward to me.

Regardless, all in all, sometimes, just sometimes God, I want to flip you a finger and a half because sometimes, just sometimes, You choose to bless the wrong people.

That is all.

P.S.  Please don’t strike me down with lightening for ranting at You.  I don’t really want to give You the finger but  sometimes You deserve a good rant because I’m looking back onto the sand and I’m only seeing my tired emotionally exhausted feet dragging in the sand and Your footprints are no where to be found.

Oh and sorry for yelling

This rant brought to you by the number three (which sounds like cheese, as in “Would you like some more cheese with that Whine”) and by the letters F and U.

It rarely happens, but I lost it….

Yup, I did.  Sometimes, I just want to rip my hair out when The Boy moans and groans and whines when I ask him to do something, especially something that doesn’t include staring at his phone or computer game.  Sometimes, he just ignores me completely and that will send me over the edge and madder than a March Hare.

Yesterday afternoon, I had enough.  He wanted to go swimming and of course, got his trunks on all on his own because when he WANTS to do something, he doesn’t need to be asked 100 times.  However, I had asked him for the 100th time to get off the stupid cell phone game and after I got ignored…I blew up.

I have a calender set up on the Fridge.  This calendar marks the day I will get him his Bearded Dragon.  On this calendar is a magnet which is on that day.  That magnet has been moved farther and farther away for almost the past month. Why? Well, that would be because one to many times, that kid acts like a little crap.

So, after I had to get loud about telling him to get off his game for the 100th time, he begins to talk back to me.

I calmly gave him a warning, no! I gave him several:

Frustrated Mother:  Boy, I highly suggest you shut your mouth now or you will regret the consequences.” (and yes, he knows what consequences means)

The Boy: “But I’m not doing anything!”

Frustrated Mother:  “Your mouth is open and words are coming out of it….close your mouth”

The Boy: “But I didn’t say anythi…”

Frustrated Mother: “Again, Boy, your mouth is moving and words are coming out.  Shut it”

The Boy: “But I’m not say…..”

I wonder where he gets his argumentive, persistent nature from?  Maybe he’ll be a lawyer?

Regardless, I was done.

I got up, walked right to that Bearded Dragon calendar, and ripped it to shreds.

I did not move the magnet even further.

I did not pass GO

I did not collect $200.

I ripped that fucker to shreds.

The Boy went ape shit.

I sent him to his room, slammed his door and said I didn’t want to see him right now.

10 minutes later, he’s knocking on his door, which means he wants to talk (not argue) and I told him he could come out.

Hugs and apologies were exchanged.  Me, for losing my cool and going on a ripping rampage and him for popping off his mouth.

I swear, that boy gets off lucky, though.  If I popped off my mouth when I was younger, I would see the back of my mother’s hand, then I would see stars for days.  Jeez….

I told him he cannot speak to me in that manner and said he still had to suffer consequences.  I gave him a choice.  He could either give up his afternoon of swimming for that day or he could say good bye to the Bearded Dragon calendar forever (and the Bearded Dragon).

I knew which he would pick.

A new Bearded Dragon calendar has been printed up and will be put back onto the Fridge tonight.

dragon

Motivation….because only the prospects of owning a lizard can make a boy not act like a little shit

However, that magnet, which started at August 24, is now getting moved to September 28th.

I do wonder how long we will play the “Magnet Moving” game though?

15 years from now, you will be learning how to put on Ice Hockey gear…

If someone told my 21 year old self, in between glow sticking raves and drinking, that 15 years later, I would be on YouTube, learning how to properly put on Ice Hockey gear, my 21 year old self would have laughed and dropped another Shroom!

The Boy has progressed out of Hockey 1 lessons and his instructor told him he can start the Hockey Clinic given at the rink.  To start this clinic, which includes more lesson time and an extra 30 minutes of scrimmage, he needs to have full gear.

I went searching and ended up finding a nice man on Craigslist who was selling not only youth gear but a nice hockey bag to go with it.  I got every piece of gear required plus the bag for $75!

original_30242_5iADVEWhlhjZuEQkoZWLagCZJ

Not actual gear but it was all this and some extras like the socks and elbow pads

When we got home I realized, I have NO idea how this gear goes on.  So I went to YouTube and a cute little hockey player showed me how to properly put the gear on The Boy.

He is so excited for lessons tomorrow he is bursting at the seams!  He won’t be starting the Clinic until October so he can get used to playing with his gear.

Once again, a new adventure in the World of Boys and yet another reason for me to thank the Lord that I did not have a girl because this is all to fun!

“At least I do feel 24 hours clean…”

It’s been a long time but here is yet another Tarantino’d posts……..

“At least I do feel 24 hours clean…”

Why did The Boy say the above….

Let’s go back…..Let’s go back….

My kid….he MUST only use Irish Spring Body Wash.  He calls it his “Man Soap”.  At Target the other day, I told him to go see which kind he wanted since there are apparently many different kinds of Irish Spring Body Wash.

He chose the 24 hour Deep Action Scrub.

DeepActionScrub

His first use of it was last night.  This was his announcement upon exiting the bathroom.

“At least I do feel 24 hours clean…”

Oh I could only wish…..

david_and_goliath_boys_are_smelly

I’m still laughing a bit.

Bearded Dragon = Yes

As another incentive for The Boy to let me shop, I promised him that we would stop by the local reptile store to look at Geckos.  He has it in his brain now that since he’s lost two hamsters to death, that a Gecko is the way to go.  I humored him, but I draw the line at spiders and snakes.  Geckos and lizards of that type I can tolerate because we had some when I was younger.

We get into the store and are immediately met by a nice young man and I tell him we want to see the Geckos.  He points them out to us and asks if we would be holding it and petting it.  The Boy says yes (of course he wants to have a lizard in his hands as often as he can) and then the young man points us toward the bearded dragons.

I heard “dragon” and thought of a Komodo Dragon and my heart stopped.  Then my mind told me that Komodo Dragons aren’t really domestic type lizards (I hope?) and the next thing I thought of was an Iguana.  I was becoming more nervous as we walked over to the Bearded Dragons and all my assumptions were very wrong.

See the difference:

komodo-dragon

Komodo Dragon

Iguana

Iguana

bearded_dragon_lizard_300x300

Bearded Dragon

Apparently, Bearded Dragons look like the photo above and will calmly and happily stay on one’s shoulder.  As babies, they are really small and not jittering and they don’t try to run away.  The Boy even got to hold one.

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The young man informed me that they grow to be about 2 feet at most.  He also said that they adapt to whatever personality their owner has.  He must have seen my “what bullshit” look because he proceeded to explain that if you get one as a baby and interact with it often, it will be like you.  If you are calm, it remains calm.  If you walk it around it will adapt to being on your shoulder.  I think I was still giving him the WTF look but it was more because I still couldn’t believe I was considering this creature to reside in my house, but I tried to smile and nod.

He also showed us the aquariums they sell that come with the heating lamps and accessories.  On the surface, this looks very interesting.  However, I have this sinking gut feeling that I will be the one taking care of this lizard.  However, he did say that they require very little upkeep.  Then, of course, they shed eventually a few times I think.  And there is also that whole feeding it live crickets routine.  Blegh.

So I’m still on the fence because aside from the fact that these things are the ugliest lizards I’ve ever seen, it is STILL a lizard.  What I left for The Boy to understand was that he has to be good, keep his room clean and the area this lizard would be in clean, and no bad reports from school.

Final thought:  I have a feeling I’m going to have a Bearded Dragon living in my house within the next few weeks.

Big pants = No

I realized, upon looking into my closet, that I was down to one pair of work dress pants and one pair of jeans that actually fit me.  Anything else that was in my closet, in the category of pants, no longer stayed on me, even when buttoned.  However, it was after my pants literally FELL off at work (luckily this was in my office and no one saw), I realized, it was a necessity to get more.

So, off to Kohl’s I went because I had some Kohl’s cash to spend. kohlscash

I bribed The Boy that if he let me look for and try on clothes, I would buy him something.  I was still rushed by his moaning and groaning but he got a nice looking watch out of the trip.

Brat.

Anyway, I was still unsure as to which size I truly am.  So, I grabbed the size 14 dress pants (Apt 9 brand).  After trying them on, I realize, yes, they are loose but aren’t falling off.  Yet, I’ll be spending more money on more pants because these fit me just right now, but will be falling off in a month.  I decided on getting the 12’s.  They fit, a little snug, but they fit.

I haven’t been a size 12 since BEFORE I was pregnant and that was 10 years ago!  What shocks me is that the numbers on the scale still haven’t dropped into the 100’s.  That just means inches are being lost more than pounds but I couldn’t care less about it.  It’s nice to be in a size 12 again.

Lastly, do I get to share this accomplishment with anyone outside of this blog?  Well no, because my mother puts down the fact I’m losing weight and says I’m lazy because I’ve used the appetite suppresants and is now, actively, pressuring my younger sister (her favorite and “easy” daughter) to lose weight as she tells her, and I quote, that I “can’t look better” than her.

Isn’t that just lovely?  *sigh*  And out of respect, I don’t tell my sister about the actual pounds lost (unless she asks) because I don’t want to make her feel bad, especially if our mother pressures her to look better than me, like we are rival competitive enemies.  The woman just wants to see me fail at everything.  It’s actually quite disgusting.

Are you happy?

I stayed home from work today.  There was a reason for it but mainly, I really just didn’t want to go.  I’m finding it hard to keep my composure and patience and I’m finding I’m having to just bite my tongue a lot.  Especially, now that I’ve been moved into a smaller work space, which feels like a form of a demotion to me.  My frustration from that stems from being basically told “tough but that office was meant for a paralegal and you are not one” but oddly enough, all I hear is “you are just not good enough to be in an office because the big bad paralegal who got a degree is better than you”

I just have to bite my lip, bend over and take it because, well, I need a job or I’m on the streets, begging for food and that isn’t an exaggeration.

I stayed home and spent the first hours of the morning in bed staring at this beautiful face.  I was just so exhausted, more emotional than physical.  I laid in bed, with my cat therapy and I thought.

I thought about an interesting phenomenon that has been going on in the whole course of my life for as long as I can remember.  I’ve been alive for 36 1/2 years and I can count only one 3 month period where I felt I was actually happy.

I was about 6 months pregnant, almost 10 years ago, and I had been taken off work due to slight complications.  I had just moved into a nice condo with my then husband and was under no stress.  I woke up whenever I wanted, I spent hours relaxing with my two cats Nikita and Dunpeel.  I had my child growing inside me.  I had no money worries because since I was on medical disability, Aflac paid me $1400 a month as well as my employer at the time paying me disability on top of still getting paid my regular paycheck because I was using paid time off.

Those three months are the only time I can remember where I didn’t feel heartbreak, sorrow, worries and the pressure of everything around me.

Never again, before or after, did I feel that kind of peace ever again.  I only have a whole of loneliness and emotional suffering ahead.

I want that moment back.

So, when I am asked “are you happy” I can answer “no”.

When I am asked “have you ever been happy”, I an answer “only 3 months in my entire 36 year existence”.

I just want to be free.

Christmas Trip to Montana, in the planning stage!

RoadTrip

I’m SO excited! Not only for a road trip because I LOVE road trips and driving and stopping at random places to eat food that I never see where I live or take a picture of the World’s Largest Watermelon  (yes we are going to stop there) or the 100+ year old Fruitcake and 66 year old slab of bacon  (that one is on the itinerary to!) or the first KFC franchise location  (a *maybe* on the itinerary, I don’t support fast food but this is kinda interesting), but I’m going to see my Sister and niece and nephew!

I am super anal when it comes to preparing and researching for adventures like this.  I create an itinerary, research places to stop, possible weather and car rentals.  Right now I am in the researching places to stop stage and I’m in Utah right now, going through THIS list.  Being that the I-15 is the only Interstate we will be taking from California through Las Vegas, NV, a corner of Arizona (Mesquite), Utah (through Salt Lake City), Idaho (through Idaho Falls) then lastly to Helena, Montana, that makes it easy to search for only tourist attractions that are not to far from the I-15.

My sister and I and The Boy will be doing this trip.  We have and will continue to invite our mother and father as my older Sister is my father’s daughter to, but my younger sister and I have a pretty good feeling that our mother will agree up until the last minute then back out.

But ask me if I care if she does that other than our poor father, yet again, will be kept from seeing his oldest daughter and two other grand kids.  I have a plan in the making and will be following it and seeing as much of the trip as we can and taking photos.  That woman can’t stop us.

I feel like a hamster on a wheel

hamster-wheel

It’s just the same old thing, over and over.  I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to get excited about.  Well, I take some of that back.  I did get approved for a 8 day vacation at Christmas time, which includes 2 paid holidays.  I’m going with my sister to visit our other sister in Montana.  However, I still have that forboding feeling that something will try to ruin that and it will probably be my mother.

I have no money for food again today.  I spent the last I had on lunch items for The Boy.  He eats before me.  That is my basic rule when money is tight. So as of lately, there has been nothing left over after I feed him or get his lunch items, which I’ve had to get more of because, well he’s a growing boy.  So, some days, I starve.  I’m not going to die. I have enough fat to cover the lack of food.  It’s just more annoying.

I forgot to boil eggs last night so I have no hard boiled eggs for lunch today.  I’m going to survive today on a Greek yogurt and a cup of strawberries.   In all honesty, that is why I have been losing weight.  All my food expenses go to The Boy and I just get what is left over which is usually nothing.  It’s been a rough summer since I had to pay twice as much for summer camp in June and July and now, The Boy’s moving up to the Hockey clinic so I need to get his full gear which is turning out to run into the $500 range. Unbelievable.

I have -$30 in my account until next Wednesday.   Yes that is a “negative” sign you see in front of that number.  And I have no idea how I’m going to fill my tank with gas.  I may have to skip work and call in “don’t have enough money to get gas to get to work” one day until next Wednesday.  I already had to take back some clothes of The Boy’s that I allowed myself to be tricked into buying (believe me, I only blame myself).  I cried to The Boy on Monday after I picked him up from school telling him that I over spent and it was my fault and I would have to take some clothes back.  He put his hand on my shoulder and said, “it’s ok and look! I caught a lizard!”

God I love that kid so much!

Also, my Water/Sewer/Trash bill has gone up like 60%.  This is the bill that most apartment complexes pay for but not the one I’m in.  It’s my highest utility bill at $70 a month which is what it was last month.  I have a 755 sq ft apartment.  I have no idea how I can have that much for water/sewer/trash.  I know sewer and trash I can’t even control but I know I don’t use that much water.  When I asked about it I was basically told “sorry, that is what it is”.

I know I’m not going to be able to afford this apartment by my lease renewal next June.  Rent has gone up all three years I’ve been here and not by a couple of bucks.   I think $100 is the most I’ve seen it go up.

I’ll figure it out though.  It’s just so disheartening as I’m trying my best.  I almost lost it on Monday afternoon though.  I realized that I had not one more cent and I still had to pay rent and for this month’s hockey lesson.  On the drive home, my sister called because I asked her, my out of work sister, if she had $20 to cover some of hockey lessons.  I lost it.  It was another dark hole of The Nothing I was falling into at that moment and I wanted to die and be done with all this anguish and pain, just be done.

I breathed and moved on.  One of these days, I won’t get to the breathe and move on moment and just keep falling until I stop falling and the pain is done. *sigh*

warningcontains-200x200Deep in my heart though…I know it’s still black with hate because I know that the father of my child, who turned his back and left his son gets to prance around, bang whoever he wants and do whatever he wants while I have to worry about money, hockey gear (which if I don’t get soon I will never hear the end of the complaining from The Boy) and schooling.  As time goes on, I really do feel myself just hating that man and I will continue to do so, regardless if he’s the father of my child.

I don’t like having so much hate in my heart, but at least it’s geared towards one person that I rarely see or converse with ever.

This just in:  I’ve just been told that I will now be forced to move out of my office with the door and window into a stuffy cubicle in the small hallway.  Apparently, my office is for a paralegal, not legal secretary, which I am, something I’ve never been told in the last year and 2 months I’ve been here.

It just gets better and better.

I tried….I really did.

I want to have a decent relationship with my sister.  I try to spend time with her and share moments.

This post isn’t about how my sister ruined my last attempt, but, once again, how our mother ruins everything.

I’m at the end of my rope now.

camel2 I have always wanted to keep a relationship going with my mother.  After all, she is my mother and birthed me and if anything keep a relationship going for my kid’s sake because she is still decent with him and he hasn’t seen how she can really be yet.  However,  the last straw has been dropped on the camel and the camel’s back, is broken.

Since, writing the above, not only was the final straw dropped on the camel, but while the camel was down, another was pummelled at him.

First, I tried to make it a day with my sister and I at Disney (California Adventure) this past Friday.  I paid for her $92 ticket to just get into DCA and I wanted her to see the Mad T Party band and take a picture with the White Rabbit DJ as the White Rabbit is her favorite character.

Proof that at least we had a decent few drama free hours:

DCA

Photo is small and grainy because I got it from the Disneyphotopass.com site. They are always super small.

The mistake I made was giving The Boy to my parents for the day.  I only did it because I really didn’t want to hear his whining on how we weren’t doing things he wanted to happen, but now that I think back, he really isn’t that way.

I should have just brought him with us.

Around 5pm (we had arrived at 12:30 and I paid a full day $92 ticket for my sister to get in), I get a text from our mother saying my father is in the ER with possible Kidney pains.  My phone gets no signal in ride lines which tend to go into buildings and under ground. But basically, she was wanting us to cut it short and leave.

Uh..I paid 92 fucking dollars to get my sister into the park, only to stay there for about 4 hours and not even see the show she wanted to?  But beyond that…our mother can’t even allow us to have one afternoon together, as sisters.  Believe me, she could have handled our father on her own.  What she didn’t want was my kid.

I ignored my mother’s text, as did my sister.  Cruel? Maybe but we both knew, without speaking a word to each other, this was our mother’s drama at it’s best.

An hour passes, I get a text that she called her sister to pick up The Boy and my aunt was more than happy to do it.  Well look at that, she actually figured it out.  The Boy and my aunt were fine with this situation and my mother was just being a drama queen yet again.

We leave around 9:30 to go pick up The Boy from my Aunt’s house, I’m driving and this is when I get bamboozled.

I believe it happened like this,  in bullet points because I really don’t know how it happened.

  • I’m driving, my sister calls our mother to inform her we are on our way to pick up The Boy and she keeps asking my sister where we are, what exit on the freeway and when we left.  What’s it to her! She needs to take care of our father and stop controlling everything.
  • Our mother insists that they are done (BTW, my father did end up with a Kidney stone and all my mother could care about was pestering us for the next 3 hours)
  • My sister, in her oh so “I don’t put up with this shit” way, tells our mother that she needs to slow her damn roll, get OUR FATHER his medications and get him home because he needed rest. (selfish much dear mother?)
  • Our mother then starts talking to me, I’m driving and on speaker phone. She asks what I’m doing tomorrow and I try to vaguely say I’m going clothes shopping for The Boy the next day.  Before I knew it, she invited herself and then that was that.
  • I was livid because I paid for this day with my sister, I had it cut short and interrupted and couldn’t enjoy the last few hours and now this woman is INVITING herself clothes shopping and I know why…because she wants to control what clothes I buy for the Boy. Oh yes she does.
  • Boy gets picked and once again, we are asked why we didn’t call her to tell her we had picked him up.  Because the last time I checked my sister and I WEREN’T FUCKING 15 YEARS OLD!

(it kinda makes me laugh but the day before, my sister and I took The Boy to Universal Studios. When my mother found out, first thing she said was “why didn’t you let us know and why did you bring your father and I”?

WTF?!  First, I’m 36 and don’t need mommy and daddy’s permission to go to an amusement park and 2nd, you guys are not necessarily people I want at someplace like Universal Studios.  My dad tends to get lost and forget where he’s at and my mother just sulks and complains about her knee.  Wet blankets….

But apparently, I’m supposed to let her know when I go anywhere.  Bull.shit)

It must always be about her and how she can control everyone

mother-gothel

Jesus H. Christ……..give me strength….

More bullet points for the next day and the results of me not standing up to that woman:

The next day I prepare myself mentally but I still don’t know how I allowed this to happen. I have a guess though

  • We both go to Kohl’s ready to get a few new things for The Boy.  I have budgeted only maybe 2 new shirts and a pair of shorts. In all honesty, his current clothes are fine, I just wanted to get him something new to wear to school for the first few days.
  • Somewhere between me going to the clearance rack for shirts and the cash register, my mother shows my kid the way to expensive Tony Hawk stuff that I did not budget (about $22 a shirt) and the Vans shorts sections (about $30 a pair).
  • At the end of it all, because she did that and made me look like the meanie mom in public and in front of The Boy when I said I didn’t budget for this many $22 shirts, I was out way over $100.

Fast forward to yesterday…..rent is due…and guess what? I don’t have it.  I call the rental company (actual the company that I work for) and am told that, per their policy, if I don’t have the rent by the 8th, I get a lawyer and sheriff’s knocking on my door and I get evicted.

That was when I had the epiphany.

Epiphany

This is what my mother WANTS!  As I think about it, this theory is manipulation at it’s very best.  She WANTS me to be so broke that I can’t pay my rent and have to be between homelessness and begging her for money or to come back and live with her.  She gets this from her sister, the one up in Washington, who can’t get her act together long enough to not be asking my mother for money all the damned time.

I will not go down this easily.  I’ve fought TO hard and TO long to have to give her ANY satisfaction of a win.

What did I do?  I sat my kid down and explained that his grandmother had NO right to go over my head with the shopping.  I explain that some of his shirts have to be taken back so I can get the money back into my account to pay rent.  He was good with that.  Believe me, even The Boy understands how manipulative his grandmother is.

I know what she was trying to do with the shopping thing.  I’m more mad at myself for allowing myself to be manipulated, once again.  She was just trying to out play me and, because I know her, she was trying to get me into the situation that I was currently in so that she could control me better, especially if I needed money.

That woman’s ultimate goal is to get my sister and I practically homeless so that we come crawling back to her needing a place to stay.

I would slit my wrists before I ever give her that satisfaction.

After I relaxed a bit yesterday, when my apartment was dark and quiet, I thought about what I need to do about this.

I know I’ve said it before but now I’m going to say it again.  To prevent the above from happening, I just can NOT have a relationship with her.  I.just.can’t.  And by I can’t I simply mean “I WON’T!”  I really just don’t have the energy and the patience to constantly be on guard around her because she uses mind tricks like a Jedi to manipulate situations.  This last time, she used my son by making sure she dangled the more expensive items in front of him, knowing that would make it harder for me to deal with and knowing that I was on a budget.

The woman takes on the burden of so many of her ungrateful family, her sisters, her cousins, even her dead (and the most horrible man who ever walked the planet) father still makes an appearance.  Not in the ghost sense but in the now she has to take into her home her elderly step mother as well as take care of her memory loss husband.

The small part of me that still feels sympathy for her is disappearing fast.  She takes all this on because she is controlling like that.  But then she complains that she has “so much to deal with”.  When those words are uttered…that is when my sympathy goes out the door.  She can say no to any of these family members or situations, but she doesn’t.

Oh but she will be EXTRA sure to treat myself and my sister like crap with put down after put down and insult after insult.  We are the only TWO people who have backed her up, helped her out and put up with her shit.

I have let her go forever

I do not like being manipulated and I’m FINALLY glad my sister FINALLY sees, after 30 years of knowing her, how our mother manipulates us.  I’ve been saying it for a while and it is the basis of why I really just want that woman to exit my life.

My sister tends to tell her like it is and if she doesn’t like it, my sister really couldn’t care less.  That is good, when dealing with my mother but my sister tends to be that way with me to so I never go to her for emotional support, ever.  She would tell me to grow a pair and quit whining.  However, she deals with our mother better than I.

Now that school has started, there is no reason for me to ever step foot in my mother’s house.  She does not watch The Boy while I work.  And I am making arrangements to never have to go down that road.  For the most part, the only reason I even see my parents, was because I had to drop off and pick up The Boy.

And now, she is taking in her step mother and father’s widow.  For the most part, I like this old woman.  She makes great cuban dishes and I have nothing against her.  However, she is part of a branch of the cult that we came out of and still practices a lot of it’s old ways.  Hence, no Christmas.  Christmas was something we did at my parents house with the tree and gifts and Glory to God songs playing in the backround while we baked Christmas cookies.  I can pretty much garantee that if my step-grandmother lives there, my mother will not be doing any of these things, once again, choosing others over her daughters and our family traditions. Mark my words, Christmas is no longer in that house.

Fine…my sister and I are making plans to head out to Montana to spend Christmas with our older sister.

Do these plans piss off my mother?  Oh you better believe they do and mostly because, our older sister is not her daughter but our father’s.  Yet, because my mother is the controlling factor between my parents and she knows that she controls my ailing father, my father is not going to be allowed to go with us to visit his own daughter (my older sister) and two other grandkids.

You see where the manipulation starts to turn ugly?

So now, my interaction with that woman will be reduced to the occasional text of “yes we are still alive now leave me alone” and whenever she goes to The Boy’s hockey lesson.  And that is all.

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The account….is closed.

I have a little exercise I would like each and every one of you to do, just for me.

I want you to think about someone you love.  Maybe your husband, maybe your parents or your kids.

Now, think about if they died.  Humor me, and do it…

What do you feel?? You feel sadness, hurt, you maybe want to cry?

I feel nothing when I think of my mother no longer on this earth….just nothing.  When God finally decides to take her away from us, I will feel nothing.  I believe, if I were to feel anything it will be a sense of truly and finally being…..free.

Until then, she is now someone who I will go out of my way to avoid at any costs from here until God takes one of us.  She only has herself to blame.

I just can’t fathom…a post of rants (and screw Boost Mobile)

Proceed with caution…I do not tolerate much lately.  I don’t even know if anyone reads my blog anymore.

This is going to be a series of vents about some aspects of people that I’m just REALLY sick and tired of seeing.  On the surface, it may sound judgemental but if you look deeper, there is always an underlying purpose that is more than any alternative motive one may have.

pity partyPeople who whine and have pity parties for one.  I KNOW that life is a bowl of dog poop sometimes.  I deal with it to.  I’m dealing with it right now,  I am negative about $80 in my bank account right now and I’m so hungry but have no money for food.  I deal.

But I just can NOT sympathize with people who wallow in it.  I don’t tolerate “whoa is me” personalities.  The negativity is unattractive.  I understand stuff happens, and you will get my sympathy at first, I’m not heartless.  But if I see a pattern, you are on your own.

complainingPeople who complain about lives that are way better than mine.  In particular, those women who complain about….oh no!….being single for more than a month.  Uh, try going on fucking 10 years biatch!  You know NOTHING about being alone so don’t even try to cry buckets about that.  Find a hobby.

As some of you may have read, my ex-husband and the father of my 9 year old child, left not only me (good riddance) but his son almost 10 years ago.  He has a nice little hot seat reserved for him in hell as he has never cared to send his only son and heir to his name, a holiday card nor does he even remember his son’s birthdate.

I do believe that by him abandoning his son, it pushed me in the opposite direction.  I would be DAMNED before I let anyone take my kid from me.  Even if my ex did stick around, I would NEVER give up ANY rights to not be around my child a good amount of time, if not all the time.

This is for those people who leave their children and claim to have had no choice or have some other stupid reason.  You are the lowest of the low.  I don’t care if you have a gun pointed to your head.  But hey, how about this theory?  How about you get help for your drug and/or drinking problem?  Or even better, how about you stop choosing men that are obviously losers over your children?

Sound judgemental?  Ask me if I care.MjAxMy1mNGM0NzBkZmRkYjBmMGRl

If I had a gun pointed to my head and someone saying “leave your kid or I pull the trigger” that would be the ONLY way I would ever abandon him, because I would say “pull the trigger, I would NEVER leave him out of free will”.

You people disgust me.

I think maybe it’s because I don’t tolerate much that dooms me to forever being alone but I really just can’t take people who act like children and do not face up to the consequences, good or bad, of THEIR own actions.

I’m officially done with Boost Mobile.  I would have to say that they provide the crappiest service, cell or customer, ever.  As of the 20th, I will be a Verizon member with a new Samsung 4 phone.  I’m sure Verizon will be just as crappy but I’m sure that their cell service is way better.  I swear, I have at least 99.9% of my calls constantly dropping and I can’t get anything to stream, not even a 3 minute Youtube clip.

Boost Mobile = shit, but as the saying goes, you get what you pay for and I paid $50 a month for Boost Mobile.  With Verizon, that will go up to at least $80 even with an employer discount and a house bundle discount.  But hey, no more dropped calls!

*sigh* I’m just really irritated today and I don’t know why really. I actually went to TJMaxx yesterday and got size 13 skinny jeans that I squished my ass into but hey! They buttoned! I actually look pretty hot today in a new, smaller, tighter fitting top today. Maybe that’s why I feel like bitching.

Losing my fat granted me a “Depression” day

I’m not doing good today.  I don’t even want to type this.

Maybe, it is the come down from a great Disneyland/DCA visit yesterday.  We were able to ride lots of rides, despite only getting there around 4pm.  The Mad T Party and White Rabbit DJ were amazing, as always.  Nothing but love for DJ Jason Jass….I want to have a party JUST to hire him as my DJ!  And after I told him I’ve lost the 30 lbs with the help of his great mixes that I workout to, he shook my hand and said congrats.  Super nice guy.

So what in all holy HELL is wrong with me?

I’m FUCKING LONELY! DAMMIT!

This is utterly ridiculous.  I’m sure these feelings also stem from another huge argument with my mother on Thursday night which ended with her telling me to not bring The Boy to her the next day (Friday) so I could go to work, which led me to scrambling to make arrangements with his summer camp to take him for half day on Friday (thank GOD that they are understanding and did take him).  I’m not playing her game anymore, nor am I giving in to her hissy fits.  She wants to play the “I’m not going to watch The Boy so now you HAVE to take off work and probably get fired because you have to SOLELY rely on me” game.  It’s a common game for her and one of the reasons I lost a job back in 2007.  I couldn’t care LESS if she watched him on Mondays and Fridays during the summer or not.  In fact, I couldn’t care less about much of any of it really.  I told my sister as much yesterday, before dropping her off at the airport, to go visit our other sister.  I said that I don’t think that I will be involved much in possibly dealing with our memory loss father (who is getting severely worse day by day) and bipolar “just needs to shut her mouth” mother.  I’m pulling away even further than I ever have which may pull me right out of their radar completely.

However, it could also be that my younger sister is up in Montana visiting our older sister and, as usual, once – fucking – again, I’m being left out.  It’s not their fault and I’m not mad at them.  I just don’t have the money nor can I get the time off work for a trip to the middle of the country.  So now I get to look at all the fun photos of them on my sister’s FB page and I, as usual, get to be “outside looking in”.

Yeah, I think I need to go run or lift massive weights or something because I just blew up at my kid just because he asked for lunch.  Although, I don’t see why he can’t make his own fucking sandwich every once in a while.  Or even wash a fucking dish.  Some days I don’t want to be a parent.

I even wonder about losing 30 lbs.  On one side of the coin, it is great to feel lighter and faster and bouncier on my feet.  Yesterday, at Disneyland/DCA, not only was I walking through that place much faster and actually fitting into the ride seats and not having my inner tube shaped gut spilling over into the seat next to me, but in Toon Town, I was playing and climbing in the play area with my kid and I could keep up!  I didn’t get winded or out of breath or feel like my heart was going to explode!

th

Although, it’s not necessarily “boys”…I just feel that I will see that even thin, I’m depressed.

But, on the other side, now I know WHY I kept myself fat in the first place.  It was the reason and the excuse I had to explain my loneliness.  If I lose the “excuse”….then I will really wonder why I have not one friend, will never be in a relationship and maybe I’ll see that there really is something wrong with me that wasn’t just the fat.

So, in essence, I am petrified of being smaller.  It’s like the fat was a part of me.  It’s like I’m slowly losing my right arm!  Because 30 lbs is actually the most I’ve lost EVER, in all the times I’ve lost weight.

And why am I losing the weight in the first place?  To be healthier? Yes.  To live longer? Yes.  But to live longer in a life of utter dark loneliness where The Nothing is my only friend?

So to sum it up even more, I’m petrified to lose the weight and losing the weight, is depressing me.

Seriously, WTF! is wrong with me!

Yeah, I need to go run or I’m going to take a steak knife to my wrists…fuck.

K, running now…..thanks bye!

“They are all leaving the Comic Con”

Bringing to you yet another Tarantino’d posts……..

“They are all leaving the Comic Con”

Why did The Boy say the above….

Let’s go back…..Let’s go back….

I would actually like to more properly name this post “The Snails on Parade”

For the past month, upon leaving my apartment in the mornings, The Boy and I notice a lot, and I do mean A LOT, of snails moving around on the grassy areas in front and on the side of my unit.

image

Every little “white” speckle, is a snail

The Boy got a kick out of how many there were and how slow they were moving. 

The next thing he says is :  “Look, they are all leaving the Comic Con!

At first I was like, “Huh? What is this kid talking about!”, but then it hit me.

I did take him to the San Diego Comic Con many years ago, when he was around 6.  And yes, we stood in a LOOOONGGG line like what is pictured to the right.  This line went around the bay and in between buildings, just to get inside.  He somehow thought that this array of snails slinking across the grass and slowly getting over to the side walk, then walking behind each other, almost in a row, reminded him of our hours standing in that line, waiting to get into the Comic Con! 

I was entertained beyond belief!

wpid-20130711_074439.jpg

Mama and Baby Snail

This morning, I was able to get this photo of what appears to be a Mama and Baby Snail.  The little one would not leave this big one’s side and the big one stopped when the little one did and never left his side.  I can only assume they were related.

 

Oh…no…please don’t do that.

Let’s talk about pet peeves….

Yes, the things that ANNOY THE MOTHER LOVIN’ SHIT OUTTA ME!

Now, this could be an array of things from driving to someone’s personality to just something random seen during random daily life.  Your pet peeves may be different, but here are some of mine.

The following list could grow at any moment, but this is what stands out for me the most, as of late.

Do NOT stand 1 inch from my ass when you are behind me in line

Please please don’t do this.  I am practically begging you for both our sakes.  I will tolerate it, to an extent, or if I know that the line will move quickly and the torture won’t be long but if it continues, I cannot be held responsible for my actions.

If you are standing behind me in line, you must give me and everyone else their personal space.  Usually, this means at least two feet between the person in front of you and behind you.  That is the minimum.

If you do not do this and insist on standing precisely 1 inch from my ass, I will turn around and tell you that this is America and most of us require personal space when subjected to standing in a line together.  If you persist on breathing down my neck, I will turn to you and repeat the preceding except at a higher voice decibel.  If you are dead set on forcing me to lose all my collective shit, I will turn to you and ask you, in an even higher voice, if you would like to buy me a drink first before you start bump and grinding me from behind like we were at a club dance floor.

Just to make sure that what I say I will do is what I will do, I have already done it.  Disneyland can be filled with many many long lines and since I’ve been going there for 9 years on a regular basis, I have run into my fair share of “Space Vampires” as I call them.  I can safely say that only once, was the infraction brought to the third level where I, very loudly, voiced to the person behind me that if they got any closer to my private body parts while we were waiting in this line, I would have to assume they were trying to pick pocket me and I would get the police involved and accuse them of such.the_matrix_jiu_jitsu

Needless to say, that worked, especially since the first two times they claimed to not know English but suddenly, they did a Neo and hooked up their brain to The Matrix and uploaded the language instantly.

Do NOT get into the Diamond Lane or fast lane and then proceed to go 40 MPH

Slow driverIf you do this, I can assure you there will be a lot of cars passing you up and 99.9% of the drivers of those cars will be flipping you off.  The far left lanes and the farthest left lane, known as the Diamond Lane, are for faster traffic which means most people in those lanes want to go closer to the top speed limit which is 70 on most California Freeways.  If you are a snail, you are to be in the farthest right lane.

Then on the flip side….

Do NOT be in the slow lane (farthest right lane) and be riding my bumper because I’m not going 80+

tail gatingAs I said above, the farthest right lane is for slower traffic.  Therefore, do not tail gate me because I’m driving a bit slower in this lane.  Driving slow is what this lane is for.  If you continue to tail gate me you better pray I don’t have my kid with me.  That is because if I don’t, I will slam on my brakes fast, you WILL rear end me and it WILL be your fault.  I am not below sacrificing my own vehicle to teach you a lesson.  Of course, the latter is a last ditch effort and probably won’t be done, but I can wish.  Or I can tap my break to let you know to get off the ass of my car!

However, what I will do if you continue to persist on pretending like you are a Nascar driver, is ask that you please proceed to the farthest left lanes. 114488603_crop_340x234 That will give me time to pull over, phone the police and give them your location, make and model of your car and what you look like, so that you can be stopped before you kill someone with your delusions of grandeur.  You think I won’t? Try me….

I will neither confirm nor deny I have called the police on speeding drivers.  Actually, I will definitely confirm it!

I have also called the police on:

–Cars I see with children that are unbuckled and bouncing around in the cars while their drivers are going 80+.

–Cars who can’t pick a lane (swerving), which leads me to believe they may be more than just changing the radio station.  And it doesn’t help if vodka bottles are flying out of your windows.

–Drivers that I see texting WHILE driving.  I will give the benefit of the doubt to those I see at a stop light and quickly looking at their phone then putting it down.  Although I probably shouldn’t.

text2Please learn how to spell when you are communicating with me through text or type

I am sometimes guilty of not double checking texts or posts and I kick myself in the butt when I see errors and always try to quickly fix them.  But when I get a text or message from someone that looks like I should have a decoder to read it, I will ignore it.

If I see this type of Hieroglyphics on a message forum or message board, I will out right make fun of you.

The exception: Twitter and sometimes Facebook (but only if your Twitter account is linked to your Facebook).  It’s hard to get some thoughts out in 140 characters or less, so abbreviating is necessary and completely acceptable.

Do NOT make assumptions about me in any form

Look, it really is simple.  If something about me is confusing, just ask.  Do not assume just because I don’t respond right away or I’m not talking a lot or I’m not smiling profusely means I hate you or me or the world!  This one is actually a pretty recent Pet Peeve as someone recently did this and I was left with my ass in my hand going “WTF does this person MEAN!”  I honestly believed that they thought they were talking to another person because I had no idea what or even who they were talking about.  If your sentence starts with “but I thought that…” you shouldn’t think.  Just ask.

OH my GOSH please stop the whining

I will pretty much walk away from anyone who is a constant whiner.  And if they have the “whiner’s” voice to go with their whining I will not even give them the time of day.3p6sol

There is a difference between someone needing a shoulder to cry on and someone who is just whining like a baby.  I understand people go through some bad crap, as do I, and someone to talk to really helps.  But if it starts to come down to the fact that EVERY time I’m conversing with you, you begin to whine about something or go back into the “whoa is me” mode, I will shut you out pretty fast.  Sometimes, I can deliver some hard to swallow medicine for those who wallow in their pity.  However, it would take a lot of wallowing for me to dispense the hard medicine so, if I have reached that point, your whining has reached its quota and you need to either buck up and put on your big adult pants or just be gone.

I would also like to note here that I’m not going to be a bitch about it.  Like I said, there are some people who really just need a shoulder to cry on.  Then there are some people who just thrive off making sure everyone knows their sorrows and being an attention whore by vocalizing their trials and tribulations and they do it all the time.  There is a difference.  The latter, I will not tolerate.

Lastly, and most certainly not the least, do not put your hands on or raise your voice to my child

Yup, this has happened three times in the almost 10 years of being a mother and it was not by any of my relatives, but complete strangers.

Incident #1 – The Boy was about 3 years old.  We were at a playground at a rather nice local out door mall.  He was playing in a little house on the playground and I was sitting on a bench about 10 feet away.  I could see him fine.  Next thing I see is a blonde bitch, grabbing my child by the arm pulling him off the play house and telling him something to his face.

Let me explain something.  If you knew me in person, you would point me out as the most quiet, mild and shy person ever.  I usually don’t speak unless spoken to and I really do hate confrontations.  1334539588097_3491865However, this personality trait of mine changed the minute I had to protect another human being.

When this woman touched my kid then got in his face, I saw red.  I walked up to her and

Me:  What is wrong?

Bitch Mother: He was pushing.

Me: Ah ok, well I tell you what, how about I push YOU because if you dare to touch my kid again you’ll wish that it was just my 3 year old pushing!

Then promptly rushed off because really, deep down, I am not a fighter and this confrontation was fueled solely on adrenaline, but damn if anyone touches my kid!

Incident #2 – At Disneyland, a line suddenly formed to take photos with Woody and Jessie from Toy Story.  The Boy was about 3 as well.  This lady was in front of us with a HUGE backpack that was hitting my kid’s head each time she tried to shove her way in front of me.  The first time her huge back pack hit my kid in the head, I just moved him over.  The second time it hit him in the head, I moved him to the side.  This woman was shoving around so hard that it hit my kid’s head for a third time.

It was then I told her that if she hit my small child in the head with her huge back pack again, she would be done, leaving her to interpret what exactly I meant by “done”.  She looked at me, kind of scared, as a young couple giggled behind me because they were also watching this scene unfold and knew I was at the brink of frustration.  She walked away.  Mission accomplished!

Incident # 3 – Also at Disneyland (yeah, when you go as much as I do, you start to see some non-Magical crap), my kid was around 3 and he was sitting in a display Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride car that was for taking pictures in, just outside the ride.  I was a few feet away, sitting down.

I suddenly noticed a man was grabbing his arm and pulling him away from the car!WTF!

I got up and then noticed he was pulling him away because it looked like his older son wanted a photo in the car my kid was sitting in.  I didn’t give a rat’s ass if this man wanted to drive away in this car, you do NOT touch my kid! (why do people think they can do THAT!)

I then quickly walked up and grabbed The Boy:

Me: Uh, excuse me but why are you grabbing my child?

Douche Bag Man:  He was in the way of the picture I want to take…

Me:  You know what? You can’t be grabbing my kid or probably any other kid that isn’t yours by the arm in a public place or the only picture anyone will be taking is of you lying on the ground…..you are lucky I’m not violent.

And I exit the scene….I had to….I was about to punch him.

Mother Bear

Lesson is please do NOT touch other people’s children.  Talk to the parent first.  If these people had just come to me…those scenarios would have ended a lot less aggressively.

And yes, they are all true stories.  You wanna hear about the time a 3 year old boy peed on my mother’s leg while we were stuck in a walkway at Disneyland?  Another true story…..but maybe for another time.

I dug poop out of the toilet

Yes, my friends.  You read that title correctly.

Yesterday evening, at around 7 p.m. pacific standard time, you would have found me digging poop out of our toilet and placing said poop into two containers.  Those two containers were then dropped off at a medical lab early this morning.

9a61c1ecd145242d2090e24ea3545002.image.400x302Apparently, it was time to actually go to the doctor to have The Boy’s stomach ache complaints looked at.  The doctor felt around and didn’t feel any inflammation or had any deep concerns.  The Boy needs to just stop scarfing down his food like a Dinosaur.  He needs to learn to slow down and chew and breathe when eating so he doesn’t swallow so much air.  It is more than likely gas.

However, the doctor wanted a stool sample done anyway.  So, just after leaving the doctor’s office, since I had already taken the afternoon off, I decided to take my chance at being a walk-in at the closest medical lab to get The Boy’s blood taken and urine sample.  I also received a “Stool Sample Kit” to take home.  The nurse explained to me what will be happening with this kit.

"I'm ready for your speciman..."

“I’m ready for your specimen…”

I place the tray on the toilet, The Boy just needs to poop in it.  Then, I dig into the poop with the spoons that are attached to the lids of the containers and put into the container enough poop to fill to the red line indicator on the container.

The whole time the nurse is explaining this to me I’m trying not to vomit.

She then gives me a urine sample cup.  The Boy, pees into the cup to fill it 1/4 and pees the rest on my hand and all over the toilet. That one almost sent me retching.

Then, The Boy gets his blood taken and did very well.  He was laughing as the needle was inserted into his arm and in awe at the red blood leaving his arm and filling up the two vials.  I’m now wondering if I should be concerned.  He was saying it was tickling.

Anyway, that was it and we took our stool sample kit and drove home.

I get home and place the plastic cup on the toilet and tell him if he needs to go, to just sit down as normal and go.  I go down to the workout room and walk for 30 minutes hoping he didn’t “go” but kind of  hoping he did so I could just get it over with.

I return from my workout to:

“Mommy, I went but MAN it really smells in there because I didn’t flush!”

Fantastic…I’m so excited about this…Toilet_-_Smelly

I turn the corner, down the hallway and yup, I’m hit with that stench.  My GOD what does this kid eat!

I quickly get the containers and just dive in wanting to get this over with!  I collect enough to fill the red lines in the first container, the smell and looking at this has my stomach in my throat.

I start to collect for the second container, digging into the brown log with the “spork” that is attached to the container lid.  At that moment, it breaks apart and the smell becomes overwhelming.

Lord Jesus give me strength!

I quickly grabbed the broken pieces and fill the second container to the red line.

I quickly screw on the caps to the containers tight, checking 3 times that the caps are securely fastened.  I place them in the plastic bag.  I am done.

Those two containers were dropped off early this morning and I now have yet another fascinating adventure that I never would have dreamed I would be a part of had I not become a Mother.

Lord Love a DUCK!

Aging Parents, graying hair and….London??

I was told some very profound information Sunday evening by my mother than makes me sad, angry and apprehensive all at once.  And once again, in her usual way, she kept it to herself only to pop it on my sister and I suddenly.

I have very little interaction on a regular basis with my parents as of lately.  Mostly because I’m so busy but mostly because I just try to stay away.

alzheimers1

My father is no where near as old as this man. My father is only 62. My boss is older than him as have been many bosses before.

Apparently, for a long time now, she has known that my father was officially diagnosed by his doctor to have pre-Dementia.

Here is why this was VERY disconcerting for me.

I drop The Boy off at their house, during the summer, on Monday’s and Friday’s.  I did know that he and my dad go on bike rides together, without my mother supervising.  I know that they play outside a lot but the bike rides concern me.  I may have to make changes on where I take The Boy on Monday’s and Friday’s.  But it is only for the next few weeks.

Within the past year or two my father had not one, not two, but THREE, albeit minor, fender benders while driving WITH The Boy with them in the car.  This happens because he tends to zone out and forget he’s driving!  Or he’ll back into something that he forgot he saw there and claim he never saw it.

I don’t even know why I let it get to three.  I’m dumb, but I finally I told my mother that he was no longer allowed to drive with The Boy in the car with them.  Hell, if she didn’t mind risking her life because my father kept zoning out while driving and would swerve and drive irradicaly that was her choice.  Mine was to keep The Boy safe.

After a HUGE fight from my father (who was already showing fast signs of forgetting and terrible speech composition), I basically said, “This is what I say, I am The Boy’s mother and as that I don’t CARE that I’m still YOUR daughter, you do what I ask or you don’t get to see your Grandson.”  Maybe not in so many words but they got the point.

My mother now drives when The Boy is with them.

But that was a while ago.  Fast forward to today, I now have other concerns regarding his driving abilities.  My sister and I firmly believe that now, he should not be allowed to drive at all. Period.  For the most part, my mother does drive everywhere, however, with her recent knee surgery she can’t drive as much.  My sister and I have told her that his driving should start to be pulled away from him.

For instance, last week, on Monday, he had a doctor appointment in a city 20 miles away and three different freeways away.  My mother couldn’t drive him and my son was there with them that day.  She let him drive on his own.  She was stressed and worried the whole time.  Thank God, he did return but when she asked him about his appointment, or what the doctor said, he remembered nothing.  She then asked him how the drive was….and his answer?

crickets_chirpingThe man didn’t remember any part of it.  OR he was just being stubborn and didn’t want to answer.  Either way, WTF!  If he really didn’t remember driving at all and was “zoned” out the whole drive, which is what he does when driving, God is the one who drove for him!  I told my mother than if she isn’t up to driving him to call either my sister or I.

And yes, I get very upset at BOTH of them for their lack of foresight and seeing that a scenario like the above could have ended VERY badly.  Worse case, he crashes, kills not only himself but many others, the family of the others decide to come after US and sue us for everything because, we, as the family, KNEW (at least my mother did) he was diagnosed with Dementia and still allowed him to drive because she was to fucking PROUD to call me or my sister for help!  My mother would lose their big 5 bedroom house, my father’s Pension and retirement; even my sister and I could be affected.

Of course that is worse case scenario and I may be over dramatizing it a bit but, that is how I think sometimes.  Let’s just prevent a worse case ANYTHING from the start.

And now, she is slowly recovering from her knee surgery and trying to be mobile again.  She is not 100% and cannot be as alert as she used to be.

When she told me that yes, his doctor has already diagnosed him with pre-dementia, I got a bit angry because I believed that my sister and I had EVERY right to know this.  More myself than anyone because I leave The Boy in their care.

I am not surprised in this least by this news though.  Lately, my father has taken to just sitting on the couch and staring at a wall like he’s trying to remember what he was doing.  He will start projects in the house that he never finishes or even remembers starting.  For instance, he will start re-wiring a tv unit, then leave all the wires and tools about, walk away, and never return because he has forgotten he was in the middle of the project.

The speech has become so much more worse as time as gone on.  He no longer can put two words together.  I want you to say right now “Go Fish”…did you say it?  How hard was that to say?  He can’t put two words as small as that together.  He stumbles and mumbles and stutters words that don’t even sound like what he is trying to say.

What’s worse, he is VERY angry about it all.  God save us if any of us mention that they don’t understand him or ask him why he’s staring at a wall or even if he needs help with anything.  I know my interactions with him are null and void and down to pretty much a “hi” and a “bye”.  Mostly because, I just don’t want to get him frustrated or mad that he can’t communicate but more because it just hurts to see him struggle with the words, even the small ones.

His anger is mostly towards my mother and I’ve never seen it sent towards myself or The Boy (and believe me I ask him).  When he gets angry he will take to just walking out of the house, no matter what the hour is.

Just recently, he got angry because my mother told him in a “I told you so” kind of way that he shouldn’t have wired the tv cable a certain way.  He left the room, and my mother assumed he was getting a tool or something.  After waiting 30 minutes, she begins to worry because he seemed like he was just going down to get tools.  She goes downstairs to find him sitting on the couch, staring at a wall.  She asks what he’s doing, he says “You think I’m stupid”.  blue-door-feet-598005-o-646x363She may have said something else, I don’t know because she is the one telling me this story and he gets mad and walks out of the house, at 1p.m in 105 degree weather wearing long black jeans and a long sleeved black t-shirt (he never wears shorts or anything not black or long sleeved no matter what the weather).  It’s 105 degrees outside.  She said he was gone for hours but finally returned.

This happens a lot and can be in the middle of the night or whenever.  One thing that worries me about this is a) he could forget suddenly where he is if he’s just wandering around the streets or even worse b) a police officer can see him, question him (which would make him flustered and make the slurring speech worse), realize that he’s slurring and mumbling his speech and think he’s either drunk or on something and arrest him and that would get him angry and he would make it worse.  Again, I’m throwing out the worse case scenario but there it is!

I know she is losing her patience to.  She can be cruel sometimes and just eggs him on even if that is a part of her personality.  I’m not surprised at all because she is in a “whoa is me” attitude because she wanted to travel in her golden years and sit by her swimming pool with all her many many grand kids as they play in the water and back yard and all kinds of people come to visit.

She can’t travel as it would throw my father off balance as he doesn’t adapt to new places well.

She has no pool.

She has only 1 grandkid who she barely sees.  And no one visits her.

I know that she is jealous of my sister and I and the freedom we can have.  My sister will be visiting our other sister (from my father’s first marriage) in Montana and the guilt trip she gave my sister was laughable.  Even my sister just rolled her eyes at her and said, “Flight leaves on the 19th, K thx bye!” 

“But out of the ashes comes the Phoenix”

phoenixrising

What I mean is…my sister and I are really getting super close now and that is nice.  She just lost her job of 6 years, 2 weeks ago.  She’s  been helping me out with The Boy a lot so i don’t have to rely on my mother anymore.  She knew she was going to get laid off from her job eventually, she just didn’t know when.  She said when she did she would move and I always told her, I would be right behind her and now, she is SERIOUSLY thinking of moving…..to London!!!

Collage from Wikipedia

Collage from Wikipedia

WTF!

But in all honesty I would be all for it.  I’ve always said that I would up and move anywhere at any time.  It would be such an adventure!

I would do it…

Anyway, in other news, I dyed my hair finally after a few months of greys growing in.  It’s a lovely raven black again and now longer and with the Stout Lush shampoo combined with the cream conditioner the dye package had, it flows like silk in water.  Or so I wish? LOL  But no really it does and I love the black color.  I’ve been black for many many years after trying every color that natural hair comes in.  The blond was the worse.  I looked like a washed out doll.

Tonight….Disneyland for the evening!  And my sister is joining me even though she can’t get in, she can stay in Downtown Disney with The Boy while I get my Tower of Terror fix!

“You have a cannon aimed at your head”

Bringing to you yet another of my famous Tarantino posts……..

“You have a canon aimed at your head”

Why did The Boy say the above….

Let’s go back…..Let’s go back….

As many of you may know, I have Disneyland Annual Passes and have had them for the good part of the past 9 years.  So I go to the Park quiet often.

Therefore, I have ridden the famous ride Pirates of the Caribbean many many times.  However, during the last ride that I took when The Boy and I visted the Park this past Friday Night, he pointed out something to me that I have never noticed before on that ride.

We got through the ride ok and got to the jail and dog carrying the key scene….

Photo from Daveandlandweb.com - A GREAT Disney parks and dark ride photographer.

Photo from Davelandweb.com – A GREAT Disney parks and dark ride photographer.

Then, it seemed that the boats started to get backed up so we were waiting fairly long in the dark area right before the end scene where they are shooting across us with high explosives everywhere.

The next thing I hear is The Boy saying this:

“You have a cannon aimed at your head”

I must have given a WTF? look but then I looked to my right and yup, my face was about one foot from and staring down the barrel of a very large sized cannon…..

cannon-from-Pirates-of-the-Caribbean

Not actual cannon but gets the point across  Photo from sharemickey.com

In all the many times I’ve ridden this ride, I have never noticed this canon.  It may have been because we normally don’t stop in this dark area for a very long time and even if we did, it was dark.  You would have to really look to notice this cannon was there and you would really need the time to look through the dark to notice it was there.

I found that amusing and even a bit unnerving.  Yet, how many times in one’s life can they say they looked down the dark barrel of an original cast iron cannon!

R.I.P. DJ the Hamster

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DJ the Hamster

This morning, I was awoken by The Boy rushing into my room saying, “Mommy! DJ Died! ”

Oh Good Lord…..

So, I get up and go to see what is what. Sure enough, it’s dead.

I then explain to him that we will clean the cage out and place him in a bag.  He says he wants it buried.  Uh ok?  Being that I live in an apartment complex I don’t have access to a back yard.

I must think fast.

I tell him that I will put it in a bag and take it down to the bushes on the other side of my apartment building where there is more dirt than grass and I will bury him there and then come back and get him and he can place his little “tombstone” on it with a flower from the bushes.

I take the bag with the dead animal down the stairs, to the dirt spot, pass the dirt spot and drop it into the large dumpster in the back.  I then go back to the dirt spot and rustle the dirt a bit to look like I dug up the dirt and put it back, then go to get The Boy.

He puts down his little piece of “tombstone” bark and a few flowers there and we move on with our day.

I feel bad that I couldn’t tell him that I just threw it in the dumpster but I’m pretty sure that someone would have seen me putting a small rodent into the ground and I would have been caught.  There are always people walking around and it’s out in the open.  And if a gardener had found it, I don’t think they could have pinned it on me but who knows if they have cameras around the tops of the apartment buildings!  I think like that sometimes.

So, The Boy got his Memorial.  That is all that mattered to me and he was able to lay DJ to rest.

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A moment of silence for DJ the Hamster, please……..

First question out of The Boy’s mouth….”Can we go to Pet Smart and get another hamster?

Ugh…..

Daily Prompt – What have I learned…

I’ve been on WordPress for about 5 months now and I have yet to do a Daily Prompt.

The one I saw today caught my eye.

Tell us a moment or an incident that you treasure  – not necessarily because it brought you happiness, but because it taught you something about yourself.

When I read the prompt only one thing popped into my head in reference to having learned something about myself.

1342635890406_8435787There are a numerous amount of things I’ve learned after becoming a mother.  Not just from being A mother, but from being a SINGLE mother.  Even though that isn’t one isolated incident, as the prompt suggests, the experience, so far, has taught me a lot and I treasure everything about being a mother and what I have learned, no matter how much the roller coaster of it makes me sick.

Now, I am not implying that I’m better than any other mother as a single mother.  However, I will admit, it is probably harder being a single mother than a mother with the other parent in the picture, in general.

How has being a mother taught me things about myself?

Every woman’s motherhood journey is different.  This is mine.

I became a “sharing” single mother 2 months after giving birth and separating from my husband.   By “sharing” I mean that my ex husband would take our son on the weekends, leaving me time to be kid free for a little while.

However, I became a FULL ON single mother when my son was 1.  That was when my ex husband went to court and told the judge he no longer wanted to see or have anything to do with me or his son.  Yeah, he was the douchiest of douche bags that ever douched.

BUT this is not about my angst towards that man.

This is about what being a mother, single mother and full time single mother has taught me.

Well, look at that, I actually have P-A-T-I-E-N-C-E!

Yup, folks, in my younger days I was the most impatient person on the planet.  I had little tolerance for those who took long or just plain annoyed me.  I would speak out when someone annoyed me and speak out loudly.  This quality trait of mine was not a nuisance to others, at least I don’t think.  I would just tend to go from 0 to DRAMA in 2.5 seconds.

3sj0qkNow, aging may have something to do with getting a grasp on patience but being a mother sure has helped.  Drama is null and void to me.  Granted, I am human and darn it being human is hard!  So I will admit in the almost 10 years of being a mother, I have exploded maybe once or twice when I’ve told The Boy for the 50th time to get his shoes on!  In that case, I am mostly done with just hearing my own voice nag at him to do something over and over.  But for the most part, when that does happen I feel like a sack of guilt and grasp my patience once again.

It has been a tough road because I can’t just say something like “wait until your father gets home” and just let him deal with it.  I have to be the father and mother, the disciplinary and the “fun” parent.  Patience seemed to just come with the territory and I learned to harness its power.

You have 2.5 minutes to shower, GO!

This may not fall under the “being a single mother category” but more of the “being a mother, period” category.

This may seem minuscule but it is something that stood out for me.  In my youth and my life before my child, I would take 20 minute showers.  The one thing I’ve noticed looking back over the past 10 years is that my showers went down from 20 minutes to no longer than 3-5 minutes, if that long.  It is really hard to bask in the warm water when you have a kid hanging around the other side of the bathroom door wanting you to make him food or get him this certain toy or who just wants to talk to you through a solid door for no reason.  This also happens when trying to be in the bathroom at all.  No more “thinking” in the bathroom…. you get in there, do your stuff then leave.

Add a cat meowing for his Guardian to remove herself from that terrible thing called “water” and it’s enough to make me just wash enough to not turn others away and get out. 

Leave in conditioner? Bubble Bath? Scented bath oils? What are those?

It actually has gotten better as The Boy’s gotten older and a bit more independent and I’ve learned to just adapt and accept.

I CAN do this!

YOU-CAN-DO-THIS-e1308257791915-640x496Yes, yes I CAN!  Even if people say I can’t, I won’t believe them!  I’ve learned that hey…I am achieving something absolutely marvelous.  I’m molding and framing another human being into a kind, humane and generous person (hopefully) yet someone who will stand up for what is right and show respect when it is due and who will not be phoning me at 3 am from the local jail claiming it wasn’t his fault.  

I have had to fight a lot of his father’s genetics but since he has never seen him or interacted with him, The Boy tends to show more humanity than his father ever possessed.  That is what is important to me.

I’ve also learned that I can care, cook for, clean, clothe and house another human being, on my own with very little help (the help I do get from my family is small but it is help all the same).

Mother BearThese points just barely scratch the surface on what I’ve learned from being a mother.  There are many little things I’ve learned.  For instance, my fear of spiders will never outweigh my anger towards one that is about to crawl on my baby boy.  Or that my fear to speak up suddenly disappeared when I had to defend my child or come to his rescue.  Also, I learned that when I do have a night off from mothering, I feel bizarre, like I’m missing my right arm.  For almost 10 years, I have known nothing else but having a small human by my side 24/7.  When he is not near me my brain goes into a “does not compute” mode.

But most of all, no matter where my life leads me, I learned that I CAN take care of another life and even more extraordinary, I can do it on my own!

So VIVA LA SINGLE MOMS!  Raise your hands high like the ceiling can’t hold us!  You deserve all the praise and glory. 

Then, yay for mom’s in general!  

Then, yay for dads as well!  For as Yoda would have told me: “For your son, a good father, you did not choose.”  So more power to the awesome dads!