You are beautiful

No, maybe you are not.

Maybe there is just something so ugly about you that everyone around you is enjoying the company of others while you drown alone in a sea of black.

I was just told by my boss, who is going through a nasty divorce anhump-day-inspiration-100813-04d who is not even a year separated, has a girlfriend. He volunteered this information to me as it really isn’t my direct business but he’s a sharer.  This is a man 8 years older than me and just fresh from a divorce.

Apparently, I’m an Elephant Beast.

I left my job for the day in tears off to a weekend of loneliness.  It’s been 15 years almost to the day since my divorce and I haven’t even had so much as a glance from anyone of the opposite sex.  Just random hook ups which is not the same.  Even when I lost 70 lbs….I was nothing to anyone.

So why the title?

Well, it’s simple. That phrase is something I have never, nor will ever hear anyone tell me in my entire life.

Because I’m not as the title suggest. I’m just….The Nothing.

To watch someone fight his love for me….

fighting20with20love20-20small20logoIt is exactly as it says.  I can literally see him struggle with the fact that he is fully in love with me in his heart and mind, yet denies it on the outside.  He is cold, distant, throws my girly emotional “I miss you’s” back in my face.

But there are little things he does, things he says. Actions that tell me, in his heart he feels he must stay in touch

But the last I spoke to him was  5 days ago, when his cold reactions to my love was the last straw.  I understand on the outside, someone may think this looks like I’m seeing something that isn’t there but really, that isn’t the case.  Something in my heart….in my soul tells me he fights his love for me.  He is battling his own World War 3 in his own heart and soul.

Ultimately, it makes me sad.  If he would just give into what he feels for me, we could actually, possibly throw away our horrible past and create a new future.  We could be parents to our son.  We could love each other as a family.

But he won’t, or maybe he can’t , or maybe he just doesn’t want to.  Whatever the case, I’m tired of being tossed around by his emotional resistance and 5 days ago I said just this….

“You have broken my heart for the last fucking time, you asshole….”

And I was done.

And Life Goes On…and On…and SQUIRREL!

Yup…Squirrel.

It has been a year since my visit to Painville. I still have horrible memories and even nightmares of the pain.  I have heard of people with chronic pain of some kind but I do not think that I am one of those poeple who can do chronic pain without losing my mind completely.

Then, of course there was the Glitch in the weight loss Matrix.  Apparently, eating and what I put in my mouth at any given moment will be a constant trial for me. I have to become borderline obsessed with eating for every waking minute, hour and day of my life. I realized that I will live the rest of my life in an up and down rollercoaster regarding my weight.  As of now, I’m in a slight valley with weight. But I was riding high on a mountain a few weeks ago and I’ll get it back.  Since I can’t do strenous exercise anymore due to my back, I am stuck with only power walking as cardio exercise.  I carry weights during my walking but that is all..I’m afraid to do to much because of my weight.  Hence,  I need to eat practically nothing to balance out my slow metabolism with the fact Im not doing strenuous cardio.  I will always hate it.

There is, of course, so much more to write.  But I’m actually really lazy and have to think my words out very carefully so as not to sound to bitter, harsh or just plain bitchy about many aspects of my life and the people in them.

So more to come.

 

 

 

Lord Jesus give me the strength…

Today, during my lunch hour, as I was pumping gas into my car, a young man, about 19 or 20, maybe younger, walked up to me asking for 75 cents to get a bus ride to his Aunt’s house.  I asked him how he ended up in this city and why he couldn’t live with his Aunt.  He shook his head and said he was homeless.  I honestly thought this kid had to have been a teen.  He looked like a high schooler.

But I didn’t see a young stranger…I saw my son.  I thought to myself, “If something happened to me and there was NO one to take care of my son, I would not want my son to have to be reduced to pan-handling and I would hope someone would give him charity.”

I gave that kid all the cash I had in my wallet.

I just saw a small little boy in this kid.  A part of me wanted to give him my number and take him out to dinner!  I knew that wasn’t possible though because even though good people want to do good things, bad people will always prevail.  And I didn’t even know if this boy was telling me the truth at all.  For all I know, he could have turned around and took the cash I handed him to the liquor store.  As it was, he took my money, but he did say thank you as I told him “God Bless” and then he said thank you again, then ran off across the street.

06956-TrkyChdrSub-032414I came back to work, sat at my desk, and looked at the Lunchables that I had gone out of my way to buy at the Vons (where this gas station was) for my own Boy, because he likes Lunchables as a treat.  I stared at the Lunchables, with their Hershey’s Kisses, sub sandwich and Capri Sun and told myself that I am doing good for that kid and it is my job to make sure he knows it.  If there is one thing that I am trying to keep out of that boy, it is ungratefulness.

Because the Lord giveth…and…the Lord can taketh away.

I came back to my desk, at work, and prayed to God that I may have touched that poor boy’s life regardless if he took my money and went to a liquor store or if he truly did need to get to his Aunt’s house.  Even if it was only because I talked to him rather than shoo him off like I’m sure most have.  I can only hope that he was telling the truth and he was just trying to get a bus ride to his Aunt’s.  It is beyond me now.

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My heart aches for the pain and suffering in this world.  My heart aches for those who feel that it’s over.  This stems from the news of Robin Williams.  I’ve seen many a celebrity die in tragic ways during my lifetime but this one…this one hurt my heart.

The depth of depression is nothing that any human on this planet could fathom, even the person who is dealing with it.  It is a disease that warps our reality and rules our minds.  To personify it, I would think, in the worst cases that more than likely end in the person thinking death is the only way out, it makes their world look upside down.  Almost like Alice through the Looking Glass.  Everything is wrong, up is down and down is up.  That has got to be awful.  And the sadness. The overwhelming sadness.  I know that I have my bouts of depression but I find my way out.  I feel for those who can’t crawl out of the hole that depression digs.

As I’ve always said, it would be like being sucked into The Nothing, where the only thing left behind is the pain and sorrow of the darkness of….well, of there being NOTHING.

Out of all the tributes that every other celebrity made, I liked Jimmy Fallon’s the best and in the comedic way that Robin was all about…

Jimmy Fallon Tribute to Robin Williams

While only God can know what Mr. Williams was thinking during his last breath, I would like to hope that he is now making God laugh with his antics.

We are only on this earth for a short time, then we will all meet again under the righteousness of our Lord.

 

 

We are only here for a short time….

That is what I keep telling myself…’This is temporary…This is temporary”

It may seem that I left this blog by the wayside and perhaps I have.

In the weight department, I have been at a steady and maintained weight loss of 75lbs. Sometimes it goes up…then I bring it right back down. I am now conscious of when I start to gain a pound or two and make sure that it comes back down. As of right now…I’m up a bit but I will bring it right back down. I have been keeping exercise as a regular part of my routine at 3-4 times a week, 30 minutes on the elliptical or bike and weight lifting. I am pretty much carb free but sneak the occasional dinner roll or fry here and there. But 98% of my food choices do not include carbs in any form. I am going to finish up my last two weeks at the medical clinic and then I’m going to switch to another facility which is just around the corner from my office building and I can visit for my vitamin injections during my lunch hour.  I want to start fresh at a new place, from my current weight.  I still have about 30 pounds to lose although I may try and go as far as losing another 50 lbs bringing me down to about 120 lbs at 5 feet 4 inches height.  I started this journey May 4, 2013 and will never look back.  After a year, I will start fresh and these will be my new goals:

Height:  5 ft, 4 in
Current Weight:  178 lb  (give or take)
Healthy weight range:  117-146 lb
Current BMI:  31
Healthy BMI range:  20-25

MjAxMy1lYjAyZjhlYThkZWIyNGUwWork has not been so good.  I am currently dealing with a boss who yells, argues and screams at me, on the phone, or to anyone he’s talking to.  I’ve documented it with H.R. and that is all I can really do.  He also burps all the time, farts in front of me (his office constantly smells like butt) and I literally have to leave the area when he eats lunch because he’s SO loud with his chomping and slurping that it makes me physically ill.  I made the mistake once of walking into his office while he was eating lunch and let me just say, the spaghetti sauce was ALL over his mouth….all…over.  And by the way, this is a 58 year old man.  He is disgusting.  My solution, since I need a paycheck and can’t quit, is to completely shut down any interaction with him.  Basically, I avoid him at all costs.  Communication is mostly through emails.  It’s working out, for the most part.

But the worst was about 1 ½ months ago, when somehow, an un-authorized person snuck into the buildings and stole 3 wallets straight from purses sitting on cubicles.  My wallet was one of them.  I’m very disappointed in how my employer handled the situation.  But I have to put up with all of this because eating is not an option.  I will say it really takes its toll on me.  The stress is beginning to affect my stomach.  I’m pretty sure I have IBS but I need to go to my Dr. to get him to diagnose me but from what I’ve read, I’m sure that’s it.  On my own, I’m starting probiotics and cutting back on the coffee…(*sorta* teehee).  But my appetite and eating is pretty much null and void.  I have no desire for food as I used to over a year ago.  But that’s fine with me.

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My farm….

I have become mildly obsessed with Farmville 2: Country Escape.  Yes, yes I have. I’m farming and harvesting and creating yummy foods such as cakes, pies and fish that sometimes just playing the game brings my appetite back! It’s funny.  Anyway, look up cpamorain@gmail.com on Google Games and that would be me. It should be listed as one of my games that I’m getting achievements from.

Rejection-Investors-Startup--790x391I have officially given up on finding someone, a companion to walk with me and beside me for the rest of my life.  After putting myself out there for a bit…the rejection, even after becoming physically attractive (or so I thought the weight loss would help) is unbearable.  I was never one to react positively from rejection.Plain Jane

I’ve had a series of revelations. There was a time that I firmly believed that my over weight issue was what kept me unattractive and plain.  I have since come to find out, it was never the weight.  I will admit to being a “Plain Jane” and nothing that turns heads.  Hell, I’ll be lucky if I can get another human being to even acknowledge that I exist.  Beyond that, there is something about my personality that makes others turn away.  I am not all alone for no reason.  I should wear a sign that says “does not play well with others”.  The weight is gone and still, I’m a nobody.

I barely exist to anyone.  My son just sees me as a bank to make sure he has what he needs and a disciplinary who stops him from having “fun”.  Although I firmly believe that I am the coolest mom on the planet.   Just recently, he started becoming interested in Superman comics and we found a great Comic Book store near our apartment that I take him to (when he acts good) and I get him comics to his hearts desire.  Now tell me, how many mothers will get down on their hands and knees digging through boxes of back issues of Superman comics in a local comic book store, to find the right Superman comic for their 10 year old son.  We are not many, us cool moms.  I love it though.  I’ve always been a geek at heart.

Mario KartI also visited just about every McDonald’s in the area JUST to get The Boy his last Mario Kart toys from there.  They were the Happy Meal toys and he was only  missing three.  I found two out of the three he was missing.  I couldn’t find Donkey Kong.Beanie Babys

I will admit…I did get some of the Beanie Babies (the “Girl” toy) for myself…they were so cute!

But this all proves this theory: That kid…is my entire reason for existing…my entire…..reason.

My parents barely know I exist beyond giving them their most precious grandchild. I’m just waiting for my father’s impending progression of Alzheimer’s to finally kick in and he won’t know who I am, at all.  Until then, he just can’t talk.  But both my parents pretty much ignore me more now than they ever did.   My younger sister….*sigh*…her and I are just not on the same page about morals and standards in life and are having serious personality conflicts.  It really does break my heart but she is the most stubborn and unforgiving person I know.  She also needs to think before she speaks just as a common human courtesy.  I also think she resents me for my weight loss but that is just speculation.  She is going down the path of physical self sabotage and gaining SO much weight and I worry for her health.  She is pre-diabetic, has thyroid issues and back problems.  She really needs to lose about 100 lbs, for health reason alone!   I know that she holds some resentment towards me just by being in the same room with her because we’ve both been fat our whole lives.  This journey is a lifetime change and she is all about the “3-day cleanse” diets.  That doesn’t work for us.  It’s a lifetime thing.  My older sister, well I never had a real relationship with her as we didn’t grow up together.  I have no friends and barely know a handful of relatives.

liar_liar_pants_on_fireI tried the dating thing and it just didn’t work. There was always someone better than me or, as I’ve come to realize, most men, especially the so called “Christian” ones, are all liars.  The amount of liars and hypocrites I’ve run into in the approximately 8 months I’ve tried dating is outstanding and absolutely incredible.  Guys that say “I’m looking for a Christian woman, with standards and values……” then turn around and want to jump in the sack…uh…no….?  Or you get the ones who really like that I’m a sports fanatic and would rather go to a good baseball or hockey event than shop for shoes, then drop me like I have leprosy to pursue someone who, surprise…..surprise, is eye candy for them to hang off their arm.  Pathetic…. Men, are a lost cause, especially at this age.  I’m done with them and their lies, arrogance and hypocrisy.

And after that evaluation, I really will be brutally honest and admit that for me, death cannot come fast enough.

Now let me explain that statement.

The Bible tells us that Christians will be with Jesus the instant they die.

In 2 Corinthians 5:8 the Apostle Paul even longed for death because he knew it would take him into the presence of Jesus.  He said,  “We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord. “

In Luke 23:43 Jesus tells the thief dying on the cross, “Verily I say unto thee, Today shalt thou be with Me in Paradise.”

I just want to be with Jesus, where there is no pain, physical or mental or emotional.  This life is temporary and full of heartache and sorrow and sometimes, it’s a bit to much.  But I do not condone murder, so when I say that, I mean that getting older only carries for me regret that I didn’t live my younger years with more wisdom.  I sometimes feel I have nothing to teach my son yet, on the flip side, I have everything to teach him because of my mistakes that I learned from.  I know that he alone, is the only reason I exist on this planet.  Well him and the fear of the eternal consequences of murder (because, yes, suicide is murder and God gave us each our paths for a reason).

So please, no comments like “you need to seek counseling blah blah blah”.  I’m not going to off myself.  I just can’t wait to be in a happier place when this life walk is over.  The end of this physical life in this physical skin will be such a welcome to me.

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I used to blame God for my loneliness and be petrified of dying, but I can’t feel that way anymore.  It was I who made my choices. The only “blame” that can go towards God is that He gave humans the ability to choose right from wrong.  He only shows us the paths and we must choose to walk the proper one.  I did not  with the choices I made, out of rebellion and spite and now I suffer the consequences by dealing with loneliness and the harsh reality that for however many more years I have on this planet, they will be utterly and totally, alone.

So, in essence, since my last posts in here of our wonderful day trip to Hearst Castle to my constant battle with loneliness, it hasn’t gotten much better.  There are good days and bad days.  There are days when my family really get on my last nerve and I’m done with them.  But for the most part, I spend most of my time with The Boy and just prepare myself for the day when he will jump on the bandwagon, and also reject me somewhere down the line.  Then I will be utterly and truly alone and my battle between living and being patience for God’s time for Him to call me to His Kingdom, will truly begin.

Or, it might not end up that way because I have also learned that I am not the one making the path.  I just follow what is right and how believe.  I will enjoy my son and teach him the best I can.  He starts school a week from Monday and will be entering the 5th grade.  I’m taking him to a Dodger game on Sunday as a “End of the Summer” last fun thing to do and a night at a fun restaurant in Pasadena where you throw your peanut shells on the floor.  I’ve already been to two Dodger games this summer, one with my sister and my kid and one with my sister, kid, and my parents and I think I just want to be with my kid now.  Sometimes, they are all to much for me to handle and my patience is pushed to it’s limits.

But I constantly do question one thing about my faith.  If Jesus died for us and forgave us, why do the sins of our past hurt us in our present?  I guess I should talk to a pastor about that but I try to figure things out on my own.

Has there ever been a time you were truly happy?

Happy_Cat614_answer_2_xlarge

My mother presented this question to me last night during a phone conversation and it actually got me to thinking about how I could truly and honestly answer that question.

I’m half way through my life and at this point I can honestly say, after taking some time to lay in bed and think about it, that I have never, ever been genuinely happy, ever.

Now, there were times I was content and maybe even close to happy.  However, looking back on those times, I realized the happiness was coming from a time in my life that was not true reality, more like a House of Cards that eventually all came crumbling down.  It was not real.

The one time I remember actually being content enough to borderline true happiness was the last three months I was pregnant, back in early 2004.  Weird, I know, to think the third trimester of a very LARGE pregnancy would make any women feel happy, but I was.  I had been taken off work by my doctor, due to a painful gallstone which eventually prompted the removal of my whole gallbladder years later.  During that time, I just watched my food intake and was able to keep the pain under control.

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My Abyssinian/Siamese mix I had back in 2004

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My Abyssinian baby boy back in 2004

Those days in the first three months of 2004 were peaceful, calm and quite serene.  I would get up, not rushed, not fatigued and cuddle with my cats, then maybe go eat something and walk around the mall a bit, or just sit at home and play a video game. I felt no urgency to be somewhere, no worry about paying bills.  Money was actually flowing in pretty good at that time because I was getting a disability check from my employer, using PTO time for being off work (so I was still getting a paycheck) and getting $1400 a month from AFLAC for disability.  So I was basically getting a paycheck and then some.  I was truly content and seemingly without a care in the world.

Thinking about it now, as I mentioned before, I was in a dream world, a world that wasn’t truly reality.  I remember reality hitting VERY hard after the baby was born.  The reality of a divorce, suddenly becoming a single mother and dealing with being a mother while living under my own mother’s roof (cliff notes version, a mother can’t be a mother while still living in their own mother’s house…impossible).

But to answer that initial question, have I ever been truly happy, the answer would be universally NO.  I’m constantly in a state of agitation and worry.  I’m constantly feeling pain of some sort, whether in my heart, through my emotions or actual physical pain.  Thankfully the latter is much less since my 67 lb weight loss however, the 67 lb weight loss just adds to the psychological obsession that I have to make sure I never gain the weight back again.  It also means the other forms of pain are only emphasized.

I know it is all me. I know we all create our own paths and our own happiness and I’m not saying that I have moments, and by moments, I mean literally, just seconds, of content-ness.  (yeah, I made that word up, deal)

For instance, each evening, when I’m done with cooking dinner, doing my workout, cleaning up the apartment a bit, making sure The Boy is bathed and teeth brushed, telling The Boy to bath and brush his teeth 5-10 times in a row, getting The Boy to bed, making sure I’M bathed and I’m actually sitting down on the couch with my tablet and my cat, ready to crumble into a short state of vegetation because I realize I have to go to bed to start the routine all over again, sometimes, in that short state of vegetation, I will have a moment of content.  The cat helps.  Pets are truly therapy.IMG_20131210_222227

I have never really strived to reach pure happiness because I really don’t think it exists.  I know some say being a parent brings happiness and I won’t deny that it does, sometimes, but sometimes, for me, the most being a parent and being a single parent has brought me is the realization that my sanity can be pushed just a little more each day to the brink of utter and massive detonation.

starsToday, I did reach 30 stars on my Starbucks Rewards Program.  Now, I’m officially a Starbucks Gold Member (as long as I keep purchasing Starbucks for the next 12 months and keep the stars coming).  In a way, that granted me a bit of joy.  I do enjoy my Starbucks Pike Blend (never the frothy foo-foo coffee drinks…just straight Pike for me!)

fav-broccoli-cheddar-soup-doublewide_desktopHappiness is different for each individual person.  I, personally, thought losing the most weight I’ve ever lost in my life and being able to actually see my ribs would make me happy.  SURPRISE SURPRISE!  I’m still miserable.  But hey, at least my feet don’t hurt any more and I can squeeze into size 8 skinny jeans!  But in return, I never get to enjoy a Bread Bowl filled with Broccoli and Cheese soup from Panera Bread, ever…ever again.

So, I wonder, if you sit and think about the initial question, “Have you ever been TRULY happy?”, first be honest with the part of the question that says “TRULY”.  Then try and tell me you’ve been there.  You’ll see things different when the rose-colored glasses are removed and you notice that everything is shit brown.

Blegh.

And that’s a wrap…Around the neck of online dating

Yup, it most certainly is.

I did my one month on Christian Mingle and have come to find that so called “Christian” men can be more arrogant, conceded and selfish than non-Christian men.  But I kind of knew that already.

In the one month this is what happened:

dude_clrsGuy #1 – Ghetto….so ghetto.  I don’t say that as a snob because I don’t want to be that way at all but a simple criteria I have is that you don’t talk like you are from the gangs of L.A.  Besides that, it sounds really un-intelligent to be calling me “dude” every other sentence.  First, I’m not a guy and second, it’s disrespectful.  That is how I roll.  Also, sarcasm at its max, is a BIG turn off for me.  Don’t get me wrong, I can deal with a sense of humor but to be correcting me all the time and being annoyingly sarcastic tells me, again, you have little respect for me and never will develop such respect.  So to Guy# 1, good luck finding that meek woman who will cower to your arrogance because you won’t see me cowering to anyone.

Guy #2 – This one I actually met after talking on the phone and that was where it ended.  I thought the meeting went well but apparently, I had my Quasimodo face on.  So much so that after a week of nothing, I get a text saying I wasn’t his “ideal”, although he thought I “spoke well”, whatever the heck that means.  I can only assume it meant I had brains but not the looks?  You take a guess.  So, to Guy #2, I’m not going to apologize for not being your “ideal”.  In fact, I’m glad I’m not your ideal because that just proves, again, that I won’t step down to accommodate arrogance, which you personify.

my_miniature_pinscher_ate_my_homework_binder-rdf898856dfee48e0abf8e2c24ceb362b_xz8dx_8byvr_512Guy #3 – I thought this one was actually going somewhere after a conversation on the phone.  I will admit, he was a sssllllloooowwww talker, meaning, he drolled on without wondering if I was interested and the words were slow to come out but I liked his conversation so I looked that over.  Then, there was nothing.  By that, I mean, there were no texts or calls, just nothing after that.  I even invited him to a Reign game which he gladly accepted.  However, I never heard from him after that.  I finally had to text him and ask if he was still interested in going to the game and he texted back saying his mother was in the hospital, or something like that.  Convenient.  I know, I’m passing a bit of judgment there, but really?  All the sudden it’s the “my grandma died and that’s why I need to leave school” line?  He was deleted from my phone.  So to Guy #3, next time, maybe you can try the “my dog ate your phone number” excuse? That would be more creative.

shutterstock_61996951Guy #4 – This one actually didn’t get past a message on the website.  I really liked his profile and I messaged him, despite the fact his profile said he “prefers” taller women.  I figured prefer doesn’t mean a must. Besides, I’m 5’4”, the average female height.  I got a message back from him stating “sorry, height is a must.  I just want a woman to at least reach my sternum”.  I didn’t even know what a sternum was and had to look it up but his attitude reeked of arrogance.  Also, his whole profile was all about “I like real woman who are Godly, women who like to laugh and enjoy life”….yada yada yada.  He should have added “but I really don’t care about all of that unless you are precisely the height that my arrogant and selfish personality requests.  OH and you will also cook, clean, have my babies and do my every  wish and command.”  Yeah, that would have been more realistic for him.  So to Guy #4, make sure that when you find that women who at least reaches your sternum that she is “God fearing” as well because all us Christians know that Jesus was all about being selfish and making sure YOU get what YOU want. Sheesh…

1334607965991_8985256Lastly, Guy #5 – Hmmm…this one.  We exchanged a few messages on the site and then I gave him my email.  He seemed down to earth, nothing really arrogant about him.  He has a good job, one son who plays baseball but he seems busy.  I know we are all busy but I believe that is one of the problems with all this.  Everyone is so sucked into their jobs, careers, kids, whatever, that there is no time to meet new people.  Anyway, we had a good but short texting conversation but then …nothing.  I figured my Quasimodo was showing again and this time through my texts so I deleted HIM from my phone since I figured he wasn’t interested after not responding for a few days.  I just got a text saying “Good Morning, Have a Good Day”.  I think it was from this guy but, I deleted it because technically, I had no idea who the number was.  So, Guy #5, you probably could have been a potential but I really just don’t have time for games.  If you want to get to know someone, show some friggin interest.  It takes 10 seconds to send a text.

And that is the end of that.  My subscription expired and I will not be renewing.  Men out there are ridiculous, just ridiculous.  I don’t need to continue on that site to see that it is just as hopeless as the other sites, if not worse because I’ve come to find so called “God Fearing” men are on such a high horse, they think they are actually the right hand of God and I most certainly don’t want to be associated or near THAT person when he comes before God to be told he wasn’t the right hand of anything.  The arrogance runs rampant among them.

MV5BMTY0Mjg5MjY5Nl5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwMDU4MjkxMDE@__V1_SX640_SY720_Can someone please just tell Benedict Cumberbatch  that I’m ready for his marriage proposal and will proudly be the mother of his children!?  Apparently, that is all he wants in life when asked about where he wants to be in his future.  I have no clue whether Mr. Cumberbatch is a Christian or not but he seems to be more of a gentleman and all around decent man than any other man I’ve run into in my past, ever.  I’m still flabbergasted that man has not found a good wife.  But he’s been known to say…and I quote “I’ve been broody since I was 12, but I can’t just get anyone pregnant, it has got to be the right person. To find the right person? Oh well, there’s always a way isn’t there –and I don’t mean the internet. I mean there are always moments and meetings and chance encounters. But to make meaningful relationships is very hard at the moment.“

If someone like Benedict, who is all about being gorgeous and being a gentleman, has trouble, I give up…..sorta.

But on the flip side…last night I caught Killer Clowns from Outer Space and the inner geek in me squee’d.  I certainly don’t need a man to a) lose 60 lbs and gain my confidence back and b) enjoy a great Horror Cheese and Crackers 80’s movie like Killer Clowns!

The Nothing….is winning

This will not be a fun happy post.  This will not recap all the wonderful things happening to me lately.  In fact, I would like to cover how my brain is slowly being taken over by The Nothing.

mx_040KeanuReevesFor those who have seen The Matrix, there is a scene, in the first film of that Trilogy, where Neo is hooked up and they are pulling him out of the Matrix and he begins to hallucinate that he is being covered with some sort of silver, metallic goo which slowly starts to cover his whole body

This is a perfect example of how The Nothing is slowly covering my soul.  I try to stay strong, be with God and believe He has a plan for me and my loneliness.  For the most part, I do believe He has a plan.  That plan is for me to be alone, to not have one friend (yes, I have not one single solitary friend) and He also plans for me to never find love.

On a daily basis, I do not enjoy this plan.  In fact, I give this plan the bird, because, even if I made mistakes in my past, I certainly am not deserving of this pain now.

So, let’s discuss pain.  I have found that heart ache, emotional and mental pain is so much worse than any physical pain I could ever feel.

I will now admit something which prompted me to make this blog private

On a daily basis, I have to stay away from sharp objects and garages where a car is left running and I’m sure you ALL understand what I mean.  Some days, I feel like any physical pain is better than this emotional torment that drags me the 7th level of hell.  On a daily basis, I want to just not exist anymore.

But then where would that leave my child?  The Boy who relies on me not being a bitch of a yelling mother to him.  It is enough that he has to occasionally deal with my outburst of mental instability.  Even though those occurrence are VERY few, they do happen.  Just last week, I lost it with him because I had told him, for the 5th time, to make his bed.  Where did I find him? In front of that damned TV.  I lost it.  The result was broken Chima Lego sets and everything on the floor and me yelling “Clean it UP!” before I stormed out of his room and slamming the door.

I did return to apologize, help him and explain WHY I had reached that point.  I’m done hearing myself nag.  However, I still felt he needed an explanation and an apology, something I never received in the almost daily occurrence of my own mother’s bipolar mental outbreaks (but now I understand why as she had 3 kids to deal with and one was not even hers) which usually included a lot more than just broken toys on the floor.  I’d be lucky if I walked away from those without a knot in my head or a bloody nose.  Of course, I had a mouth on me and that didn’t help.  But I digress…

I find it hard, lately, to find any hope in anything, to find any happiness in anything.  I have lost my smile, my laugh and I surely miss them.

I simply exist.  I go to work, pay my bills, feed my child, feed my cat and that is all.  I no longer eat (I do not exaggerate, I would say I get about 900 calories a day simply because food offers no joy anymore, neither in taste or anything) and wouldn’t have any food in the fridge if it weren’t for feeding a constantly hungry boychild.  I don’t sleep anymore, surviving on about 3-4 hours a night.

I’m tired of seeing the wicked of this world win…seeing people in relationships and using and/or abusing their significant others while I live a life of lonliness.  A life completely void of any human touch or affection.

It is this void that feeds The Nothing.  That void, which should be filled with love of another, is just a void and The Nothing ravishes this void with vigor.  It consumes me and makes me feel soul-less.

It will probably pass.  I will continue to go to work, feed my kid, do my exercise, pet my cat but I am a shell of a person just robotically swaying through the motions.

Inside, there just feels like nothing…

But hey, I did get a $25 AMC card for dressing up at work on Halloween. I get to see Thor this weekend…that is IF The Boy doesn’t complain because he doesn’t want to see it.

It’s finally time!

In a few hours, I finally go to pick up my cat.  I’m nervous as to what the final amount will be that I have to pay them before they will release him to me.  I’m hoping it’s not to much and I told them that if they needed to do more than what was quoted to me, to let me know.  The only extra thing I told them to do was clip his nails.

I just want my cat back.  The visit yesterday was a bit harrowing.  He was not calm and very nervous.  They brought him in actually attached to the IV pole this time.  So, I was nervous having him walking around and wanting to jump off the table, afraid that the IV would rip out of his little leg.  His eyes were still wide and scared looking and this time, he didn’t calm down when I tried to hold him close and kiss his head.  He just wanted to run away.  Of course, he doesn’t understand that we are trying to make him feel better.  He probably thinks he’s being tortured and that kills me.

To add the icing on this miserable cake of mine, I think all this stress as of late is getting to me.  I am feeling sickness coming on.  I was fine as of a few hours ago, then suddenly, my nose itches, my head hurts and my throat feels scratchy.  It came on so quickly that I’m wondering if it’s just allergies, which could very well be the case.  Regardless, I’m going to be sitting on my couch tonight, hugging my cat, watching the Dodgers play against the Cardinals in Game 1.

Go Dodgers!

He wears the Cone of Shame

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So, my Baby Kitty is sporting the most infamous Cone of Shame.

The Boy and I rushed down to the hospital to visit with him after I picked him up from school.  When they brought him in the room he had an IV needle in his leg.  Apparently, he had been in the middle of one of his fluid treatments so he had to be unhooked from the bag to be brought to us.  We brought him his mousy toy but he wasn’t interested.  He hated that cone around his head.  I was holding him and talking to him and he kept looking up towards my voice but couldn’t see me because the cone wouldn’t let him move his head.  His eyes were very wide, like he was still unsure as to what the heck was going on.  I just bent down and kissed his head like I normally do when we cuddle on the couch.  He seemed like he wanted to run though.  So, I wasn’t sure if he recognized us at all but I did notice that only when I bent down to kiss his head and whisper at him, was when he would calm down.

The nurse did say that the vomiting has stopped and they are easing him back into it eating.  We will be going back again tonight to visit and should be able to bring him home tomorrow evening (after I pay another $300 *sigh*).

keep-calm-and-smile-don-t-cryI feel like I’ve been walking around the past few days with a HUGE lump in my throat.  Almost, like I could just start crying at any given moment.  Composing this post was hard enough to do without wanting to scream.  I want to cry all the time.  I’m pathetic.

Last night, I finally went to bed around 12:30 and just cried, yet again.  I really need to get a hold of myself.  But I tell myself, at least I’m falling apart in privacy and not at my desk at work, or in front of The Boy or something like that. I’m still functioning fine at work and interact with others without falling apart.  I’m staying strong when The Boy is watching me.  I”m actually proud of how The Boy has handled this.  He is keeping it together nicely and just doesn’t like to see me get emotional.But when I’m alone, after The Boy has long gone to sleep, I become a heap of a blubbering mess.

Sometimes, I really curse my over dramatic emotional character.

I cried…

I’ve had a little bit of time to let this all sink in.  I swing from telling myself this really just sucks to telling myself “Good Lord, woman! Pull yourself together! It’s just a cat!”

Last night, I didn’t finally go to bed until way past midnight, but that has been the normal occurrence with me lately, even before this whole fiasco.  When I finally did go to bed, I opened my bedroom window, as is the habit because that is where he likes to stand, perched on his cat tree and staring out into the night.

I laughed at myself and turned to go to bed.  As I laid down, I patted the mattress. *pat..pat* as is the custom when I’m telling him I’m in bed now and he can jump up with me, but only if he wants.  Most of the time he never does.

Then I cried….I cried and cried.  I cried because I knew I finally could.  The Boy was asleep and wouldn’t see me.  That kid was actually pretty strong when we said goodnight to him last night and left him at the hospital.

But I cried and I thought things like  “that dumb cat…” and “it’s JUST A CAT!”

Maybe he is just a cat, but he is still flesh and blood.  I saw his xrays.  I saw his organs and bones.  That was actually pretty neat.  He has a functioning brain.  However, being flesh and blood means, he gets diseases and apparently kidney disease is pretty common.

Tonight, at 5:00 pm, I will rush out of work to go pick up The Boy then rush to the Hospital and visit with him.  The Boy wanted us to bring his toy mouse, which is sitting in my car right now.  Then it will be goodbye’s again and I repeat that for the next three days.

Photo from vet-pet-health-advice.com

The bright side is that Kidney Disease is treatable and he wasn’t given a death sentence.  He will need to take medications or I will probably have to give him at home fluid therapy, something I will have to learn how to do.  I’m also going to need to put him on a special diet, all of which will be explained to me better when I pick him up but I have done some reading on this and I am kind of aware of what I will have to do to treat him.

The grand total for yesterday, after the physical exam, the blood work, urine tests and after the 60% down for his 3 night hospital stay was about $650 I needed to pay up front.  When I pick him up Friday, I’ll need to pay the other 40%.  Luckily, for me, my step-grandmother would have nothing of it when she heard me telling my mother that I couldn’t do that and was just going to take whatever medications I could afford and bring him back home.  She told my mother to charge it on her Care Credit card and I’ll be paying her back in payments.  She also has an 8 year old orange tabby and is a huge cat lover.  She almost flipped her lid when I said I couldn’t get him hospitalized to get the IV fluids in him to hydrate him again.  Believe me…you do NOT want to have a little old Cuban woman scolding you in Spanish.  It can be very intimidating.  I took her offer.

So, I feel a bit guilty that I possibly couldn’t have afforded to keep him in the hospital to get his IV and that I had to borrow a large chunk of money to get him hospitalized but I’ll be paying her back and they know I’m good for it.  Fitting payments into my budget is a lot better for me than just shelling out almost $1000 for this whole thing, at once.

I wished that I could have a back up credit card or something for things like this.  I can’t afford to keep a savings because I live paycheck to paycheck and no company will even give me a credit card because I have 2 BK’s on my record.  So, I am a bit worried about whether I will be able to keep up with the cost of his medications.

But I’m going to try not to think about that.  I just want these next three days to go by quickly, mostly for The Boy’s sake.

I swear, I am going to be in a horrific state when that cat does die.  My kid held it together better yesterday than I did when we were saying goodbye to him.  I’m such an emotional freak of nature sometimes.

Vet visit happens today…

Update:

Since I last posted, I called the first Vet that I had the Saturday appointment for to ask if I could just bring him in today.  The doctor that is usually there in the afternoon, isn’t there and she wanted me to come in tomorrow or keep my Saturday. This was AFTER I told her he was vomiting.

I went to an online search for another vet hospital…screw that!

I found another Animal Hospital that will take him this afternoon BECAUSE he’s vomiting.  I’m leaving work in an hour to take him there.

My co-worker, who used to work at a Vet Hospital, said that vomiting, especially in an animal that NEVER vomits, is never good and I should take him into the Vet E.R.

I’m a fucking wreck…

For the first time in almost 4 years, I’m worried about my furbaby

There is something wrong with him.  It’s been a gradual “something” over the past few months.

First, he was super finicky about his foods and I was bouncing back and forth trying to find what he liked.

Then, he straight out refused dry food of any kind, so I stuck to only wet food.

Then, he began losing weight, or so it seemed, I wasn’t sure.  His back end is super thin around his tailbone and hind legs and his stomach sinks in when he walks (it’s hard to describe).  He still eats but not a whole lot and he eats in sessions, meaning he eats small amounts over time.  That is hard for me because I’m at work during the day so I can’t keep refilling his food on an hourly basis and if the food stays on his plate to long, he refuses it.  This is a new problem.

I’ve also noticed, as of late, when he eats, he has a gag type reflex.  He’ll eat, then kind of open his mouth and heave like something is stuck somewhere and he’s trying to get it out.  Usually, he’s fine after a few seconds.

He also drools, a lot.  I thought that was normal but I was told by my cousins’ husband, who owns three Vet clinics in Orange County, that drooling is not normal and it could mean he’s nauseated.

Then, this morning, he threw up for the first time, ever.  I know he did hack a hairball about a year ago but that was all he’s ever done in the 3/12 years I’ve had him.  I fed him when I got up, like I normally do and he ate.  Then about 3 minutes later, he threw everything he had just ate back up.  I was just about to leave for work when he did this so I left a bit more on his plate just in case he wanted to eat more.

Now, I’m sitting here at work, just sickened with worry and wondering what I need to do.  I have a vet appointment for him on Saturday but now, I’m debating whether I should call the vet and ask if they can see him tonight.

Worse than this, I feel like I did something wrong.  I was bending over backwards to get him food he would eat and now I feel dumb thinking I read somewhere that drooling in cats is normal.  Maybe I read that about dogs?  But I feel riddled with guilt that I didn’t take care of him properly.  Or that I didn’t take him to the vet sooner.

I’m going to make some phone calls in a bit here, I might have to get my parents to take The Boy to hockey practice tonight.

“Oh, I thought I mentioned her…”

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Yes, yes it is….

The guy has a girlfriend.

He said it yesterday afternoon while we were in the parking lot to pick up the kids.  I had just invited him and his kids to dinner at Hometown Buffet stating I planned to be there just after picking up The Boy.

In regards to my invitation, which, by the way, was strictly to HIM and his 2 kids, as my text to him said “Would YOU and the kids like to join The Boy and I for dinner at Hometown Buffet?”………He responds with “S. isn’t around until 6:45“.

Who the fuck is S.??” is instantly what I THINK.  However, being that I can’t react that way and must stay cool, calm and collected, I ask, “Who is S.?

He says, “S. is my girlfriend. I thought I mentioned I had a girlfriend“.

Uh, NO motherfucker! You never mentioned a girlfriend!  What you DID mention was that you had an EX-girlfriend.  WTF!!!!!”, is what I THOUGHT, however, keeping in that cool, calm and collected mode, what I say is “Oh, okay“.  Apparently, S. is not the ex-girlfriend I remember him mentioning.

Little does he know, his number lasted no longer than 2 days in my phone and all interaction, even the parking lot meetings at the kid’s after care, will soon cease and desist.

MjAxMy1lNDNjZmUyYmEzNjFhZGZl_52322339627d7_rcI’m actually surprised at my initial reaction to this, even after having some time to let it sink in.  My heart didn’t sink to my stomach as it normally would have in the past.  I waited for that sinking feeling, it never came.  I actually laughed inside.  I laughed inside because he thought he could actually play this game with me.  He thought he could request my number, answer my “get to know you” questions and even ask some of his own and then just randomly say, “oh yeah, I have a girlfriend but HEY we can totally keep flirting with each other and get together with the kids and please keep inviting me places….I LOVE having my cake and eating it to!”

And please don’t anyone try and tell me he didn’t know what he was doing or he didn’t know I was interested….he knew, believe me, he knew.  I don’t really care whether he was being innocent, naive or just plain stupid.  He knew EXACTLY the game he was playing.  And the only reason the girlfriend probably even came up again was because she was probably due to be there pretty soon.  Can’t cover up someone who is standing right there!

He claims that this girlfriend information has come out in one of our conversations.  I would have remembered that because I would not have pursued him any further nor offered him the Motocross tickets.  Backed into a corner much there, Buddy?

So, I laid it out for him because I’m not one to tip toe around the fucking elephant in the room.

I said “Look, I don’t want to step on toes. If you have a girlfriend, I don’t want to make you, nor her, uncomfortable by inviting you places.”  This statement was actually totally true.  I, personally, don’t think that a man who is in a committed relationship should, in ANY way, be accepting event tickets from other women AND going with those woman to the event, without his girlfriend.  Call me old fashioned but I have no respect for that.

He replies, “She understands that I mostly have women friends. I have to flirt a lot in Renaissance Faire booth to sell my stuff.”  Yeah, if your girlfriend accepts this behavior of yours, as you claim, I wonder about her own respect for herself.

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Yeah buddy, you aren’t helping your cause much here. You may need a bigger shovel to continue digging your own grave there.

At that point, I just wanted to run in disgust.  He was one of THOSE men.  Blegh….

I excused myself with some excuse about needing to go eat and being hungry and said my goodbyes.  I turned to get in my car and a face looked at me that made this all sink in suddenly.

I saw my boy, sitting in the car, waiting.  He had been behind me and encouraging me about all this for the last few weeks.  He liked this guy but I think it’s only because he was just that, another guy.  He was disappointed and that is when I started to hurt, but hurt for my boy.

However, The Boy and I moved on.  We had a great dinner together and even had a few laughs over this whole debacle and I still waited for the sad, depression, feelings followed by hours of blubbering, about all this, to hit.  They never did.

Instead, after dinner, I went down to the gym and I pummeled the treadmill.  I ran like it meant each step would stomp his head in.  I talked with God, thanking Him for keeping me on my toes.  Ha ha, great test run, God.  Let’s move on now?

I didn’t cry, I didn’t even want to.  I just wanted to run and listen to my music….and run.  The only thing crying for me was my fat, because……..

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After my workout, I said to The Boy that it was time to get our Halloween lights up.  That is exactly what we did and they turned out pretty good!  This is the first year we are in an upstairs unit so the railing on the balcony is going to be put to good use.

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Halloween is here! (actual photo of my balcony)

And there you have it.  It was the saga of the man who thinks he can have his cake and flirt with it to.

Unbelievable, which is something I kept saying all throughout my Hometown Buffet dinner.  So much so, that The Boy and I started to make a joke out of it.  But as it states above, I’m not just a little piece of cake…I’m the whole damned buffet AND dessert line, Bitch!  And there is NO way I’m giving HIM a referral to my apartment complex….he had the actual nerve to ask for one.  Good Lord……

So yeah, thanks God, for showing me what I’m missing.  Now, moving on!
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Today, she would have been 37

I had a friend who was sweeter than cherry pie.  She never had a negative word to say about anyone.

She was more my sister than my friend.  She would never show her emotions beyond a silly grin, whether she was sad or upset.  She only once gave me a good scolding and that was because I deserved it.

She never wanted to let off that she was sick, to weak or in pain.  She was stubborn like that and I adored her for it.  She never asked for help.  She never seemed to need it as strong as she was.  She never worried about anything and I mean anything.  She had building debt but still traveled and enjoyed life.  She also never cleaned her room but I loved her for it.

She was living on borrowed time the moment we all found out she had cancer at age 19.  She fought that bitch until age 29, when finally, it won.  She spent her last days with loved ones, travelling with her family, celebrating her birthday with her friends.  All the while, I knew she would be gone soon.

I was there when she died, I saw her soul go up to God.

There isn’t a day I don’t think about her in just about everything I do.  I lost my best friend, my only friend and because of it, I’ve been friendless since.

I miss you and Happy birthday.

I guess that’s what happens when I try to find my happiness…

I get shut down again.

What was I thinking I could actually do something for myself and be selfish enough to concentrate a little more on my health and body, enough to have lost 50 lbs.  How selfish of me!

How selfish of me to think I could actually TRY and find love or even a friend or two, being that I have no friends!

I’m just a selfish stupid idiot because I knew that something would pull me back in telling me “hey, you have NO right to be happy.  You must sacrifice every ounce of your happiness or finding it because…you have a kid to raise.

Today, I’m mad

Today, I do not want to be a mother.

After a teacher conference early this morning, I come to find out, The Boy is not doing as good as I thought.  I guess I’m just not as intuitive as I would hope to be.  He’s pretty much failing every class.  The teacher says that she thinks he can do the work and he isn’t being  purposefully or disrespectful.  He just loses concentration.

He is the human form of Doug and the dogs in Up.

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Could it be ADHD? Maybe.

Will I give him the drugs? NEVER!!

It is also a combination of he is just a silly clown and likes the attention.

However, I’ve tried everything I could.  I take away things but he is who he is.

The worst is that I have NO ONE to confide in about this. Not one person.  I tell my mother very little because, well that would come back and bite me in the ass later.  I tell my sister very little well because, she is tied up in her own life.

I’m not doing good at this very moment.

But here I am at work having to put a fake stupid smile on my face while the black loneliness is creeping in again and I have no one to talk to.  I just want to end this failure and hopelessness I feel. End it for good.

On top of that…this ovarian pain is wanting to make me scream for real.  I can’t even stand up straight.  It hurts all on my left side.  But do I get to go to the doctor to check it out? Nope…I have a FUCKING KID TO RAISE!  No one else will do it or help me.  I swear to God that someday, I’m just going to drop dead because I have other obligations to tend to other than helping myself.

I’m the person in a room full of people….screaming…and no one cares to hear me or help.

Oh and the guy?  He’s avoiding me…..or so it seems.

So fuck you life!

Hey! No Fair!!

The Daily Prompt today hit WAY to close to home.  So much so, that I felt obligated to write about it.

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Daily Prompt: No Fair

Tell us about something you think is terribly unfair — and explain how you would rectify it.

I guess I find it hard to actually utter the words “That is NO FAIR!” without sounding like a spoiled little 5 year old.  However, all the time there are situations that are just simply, not fair.

514_230x230_NoPeelI recently gave the proverbial finger to God regarding this unfairness and then became afraid I might be smite down with His vengeance.  I wasn’t.  Instead, I was presented with a possible positive answer from Him regarding my loneliness but upon further inspection, it’s just another dead end and once again, I’ve had the carrot dangled in front of me and I followed like a dumb donkey.

Just last night, after this realization that I’m a fool for trying, I actually spent the evening, during my workout, during my shower, grooming after my shower and while watching T.V., either uttering or thinking the words “It just isn’t fair” while I intermittedly cried.

I work DAMN hard to be able to house and take care of myself and my son, on my own, with little help from family and NO help from his father, my ex-husband, except some money monthly.  As of lately, I’ve been working DAMNED hard to get 50 lbs off my body and still losing!  I look much more appealing to the eyes now.  As superficial as that is, it is the truth.  I think, it’s not fair that I run my ASS off on a daily basis on a stupid treadmill, don’t eat any of the sweets I enjoyed before to be able to lose the most weight I’ve ever lost, only to be over looked, yet again, by ANY man’s eye, just as if I was fat all over again!  I had a prospect (the “carrot” I speak of above) but it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.  I thought it was, but I was fooling myself.  I was, once again, over looked.

According to all that is fair, I have nothing to offer anyone.  If that is true, then that is beyond sad.

When does it become MY turn to be happy?

When does it become MY turn to have love?

When does it become MY turn to enjoy myself?

The-Nothing-2In the end, it isn’t fair that my ex-husband, who left his only son and never looked back, gets to have multiple relationships while I stay single and probably, eventually, an old maid, while I put all my energy into raising HIS son and continuously put my own needs to the side.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my son more than anything on the earth but the loneliness……there are some moments it gets so bad I feel like walls of blackness are caving in on me, shutting me in and I can’t breathe and I think The Nothing is finally here to take me.

I mean WHAT THE HELL!

It just isn’t fair.

Fine! Then what would I do to make it fair?

I honestly don’t know.  I know life isn’t fair and that is just how it is.  It just seems that the unjust and wicked are getting the upper hand and maybe they are.  I just have to tell myself that I am the one who is the better person for sticking around, raising and loving my child, even if my ex-husband didn’t want to.  I have to tell myself I am the one who wins a few more moments of life with every pound I lose and not just to get a man to love me.

So, in essence what isn’t fair can also be seen as what I win by working hard and when I feel lonely at the end of the day because my life has lead me down a friendless and loveless road, I just have to remind myself that my goals are being accomplished.

Even if no one else cares.

Let’s talk about 9/11

Every single American adult (and even the children) in this country will forever remember where they were the day that thousands of our fellow American died.  I’m sure, just like in the past 12 years on this day, there will be plenty of blog posts about what one was doing on that morning we witnessed the horror.

My story of that day and how days after have affected me, is no different or more special than the next person who blogs about their memories of this tragic event because we all, universally, shared the same emotions.

I was 24.  On that day, I woke up a bit earlier than normal because I was about to spend the day apartment hunting with my fiancé.  We were to be married on October 27, 2001.  I was not working at the time so I usually woke up later in the morning.  But today, I woke up earlier.

I turned on the T.V. and every channel was set to a burning skyscraper in New York City.  I really didn’t know the lay out or much of the demographics of New York because I live in California and have my whole life.  However, I did recognize these towers and knew them to house many business companies and many people worked in them.  As I stood in the kitchen, I stared at the T.V. listening to the reporters describing the flames coming out of the building because a plane had slammed into it and you could hear the panic in their voices mixed with confusion because no one really knew what was going on!  One reporter thought it was an accident or that maybe the pilot lost control.  Another did suggest a hijacking and that it was done on purpose.

It was when the second plane hit WHILE they were still reporting and showing footage of the first planes’ wreckage, that I believe every American watching it knew, all at once, in unison, what exactly was happening.

This was not an accident, this was deliberate.

I walked upstairs and woke up my mother and said “I think New York is being attacked. Come look at the news”.  Of course, knowing my mother, I should have used less dire words because she woke up with a start and I’m sure all she heard was the word “attack” and probably words I never said like “our house is being attacked and we are all going to die”.

Although, now that I think back, her awakening panic was very much called for this one time.

We both watched the news for a bit but I had to leave to go apartment hunting.  Of course, at this point I, and I believe a lot of us on the west coast and around the world, didn’t realize what kind of tragedy this would turn out to be.  I got back home later that afternoon after randomly listening to the radio news about what was happening in NY.  Little did I know that airports were being shut down simultanesouly across the country and public places were being cleared out.  Even Disneyland was quickly emptied out for fear of the unknown that could be heading towards ANY city or public venue, big or small, within the U.S.

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Actual photo taken of Main Street, Disneyland in Anaheim the morning of 9/11/01.  By this time in the morning, Disneyland should have been filled with smiling guests. It was never opened that day. Photo from laughingplace.com

As the days rolled on, more news came in about what happened and what was thought to have happened.  The black boxes from the United planes were retrieved and soon released.  Stories began to flood in from people at Ground Zero and more footage was becoming accessible.  Being that I didn’t watch the whole news cast on the day it happened, I had yet to see the footage of the Towers collapsing until days later.  I was stunned and horrified when I did.

As the years rolled on and Anniversary’s of the day came and went, more stories came out.  Footage from random people in apartments many blocks away were revealed.  They even released some 911 calls that came in from people in the Towers and the planes which were devasting to hear.  Simply devastating.

Ever since that day, anytime I watch old movies from before 2001, I always notice something I’ve never noticed before.  Those tall, towering skyscrapers in the New York skyline.

It turned out that just as the Statue of Liberty depicted New York, so did those Twin Towers.

To this day, watching a movie that shows New York, or any metropolis, being attacked and buildings crashing to the ground, gives me chills and makes me cringe.  I know it’s all Hollywood and in those movies when Aliens attack, why wouldn’t they want to bring down every building they can.  I just think that from the moment the first plane hit on 9/11/01, the “Alien attacking” scenes from any movie, rubs everyone a little raw.

Before 9/11

Armegeddon

From “Armegeddon” (1998) Image from rottentomatoes.com

supermariobrothers01303ct8

From Super Mario Bros. (1995) Image from therealnewsonline.com

 Films more recently released…

A scene from The Avengers (2012)  Image from onthesetofnewyork.com

A scene from The Avengers (2012) Image from onthesetofnewyork.com

Man of Steel

Man of Steel ( 2013)  Image from businessinsider.com

September 11th is now called “Patriot Day”.

In remembrance of the thousands of lives lost.

In remembrance of the many children who lost mothers and fathers, many spouses who lost husbands and wives and many families who lost brothers and sisters.

911 Never Forget

Sometimes…I just want to give God the finger

Yes, you are assuming correctly.  This post will not be fun.  It will not be easy.  It may very well ex-communicate me from owning any property in the Kingdom of Heaven but it simply has to be said.  Because I’m just pissed!

Dear God,

Sometimes, I just want to give You the finger.

Matthew 4:19

“Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will send you out to fish for people.”

Then, I do follow…and the road You lead me down hurts beyond belief!  It’s lonely.  It’s frustrating.  It breaks my heart multiple times.

Is this Your “love”?

Matthew 19:21

Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

Ok, no problem.  I will live simply, yet pure.  Still the pain and heart ache continue.  I never find my laugh or smile.  I just walk down this path that leads to The Nothing.

I’m reminded of a scene from a movie called The Devil’s Advocate:

“Look, but don’t touch”

“Touch, but don’t taste”

“Taste, but don’t swallow”

Really?  Do You really watch us from up there and laugh as we bounce back and forth trying to obey Your word so that we will be blessed in the Kingdom of Heaven?  While those who scoff and mock you (maybe ex-husbands who were out right atheists) get all the joy?

I would like to hope not.  I can see why non-believers question You so much.

You have given us free will.  You have given us the right to choose our actions.  Yet, why does it feel that when I choose the path of righteousness, You turn Your back and go “ha…ha, tricked ya!”

Photo from mycomicshop.com

Photo from mycomicshop.com

Is this Bizarro World?  I think it is because it looks like the wicked souls and evil hearts of this world are not only getting off scott free but enjoying it as well. I just found out today that my ex-husband, is yet again with another woman.  While I’m sure this relationship of his will be just as meaningless as all the others after me, at least he gets to a relationship, period.   And don’t ask me how I found out.  That doesn’t matter but from what I know, he’s had a few different relationships and that is a few more than I ever had in the past 10 years.   And believe me, this isn’t jealously talking…and if it is, the only thing I’m jealous about is that he gets to live his life with little worries while I get stomach ulcers trying to raise a kid and keep my sanity.

Oh, why have I not had relationships, You may ask?  Well, I don’t know why You would ask that. You are up there looking down at me, maybe laughing, as I jump Your ropes, go to Your churches and praise Your name.  But in case You do decide to blame the fact that I’m human, well the reason I’ve been utterly alone is because I’m raising a child.  This is the same child that the aforementioned ex-husband abandoned, to be fatherless.  Yet YOU feel the need to give that man freedom, relationships and a relatively stress free life while I deal with doctor appointments, whining attitudes, homework/teachers, teaching a human how to be a decent person (and praise Your name) and worst of all…loneliness.

Did I not choose wisely enough for You?  Was deciding to follow through on my actions and raise a child that didn’t deserve to be abandoned not righteous enough for You?  I guess that isn’t enough for You since you feel the need to torture me more and more as the years go on.

It isn’t enough that You gave me the physique and looks of Quasimodo so that I have to work extra hard just to keep up with the slowest metabolism on the planet, another quality that you so graciously granted me.  And of course, it isn’t enough that I should even be remotely rewarded for actually losing the most weight ever except maybe to probably live longer but live longer in this lonely existence you gave me?!  Doesn’t seem like a reward to me.

Regardless, all in all, sometimes, just sometimes God, I want to flip you a finger and a half because sometimes, just sometimes, You choose to bless the wrong people.

That is all.

P.S.  Please don’t strike me down with lightening for ranting at You.  I don’t really want to give You the finger but  sometimes You deserve a good rant because I’m looking back onto the sand and I’m only seeing my tired emotionally exhausted feet dragging in the sand and Your footprints are no where to be found.

Oh and sorry for yelling

This rant brought to you by the number three (which sounds like cheese, as in “Would you like some more cheese with that Whine”) and by the letters F and U.

Letter to God

DearGodCranberry

Dear God,

I will start out my letter to You with a question.

Why do You feel I don’t deserve love?

I believe, in my heart, that You exist.  That will never change.  Therefore, I come to You for the answer to this question.  I know that no other human on this planet can answer this, except maybe myself, which may be the answer in and of itself.  However, you know me better than I know myself.

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart”- Jeremiah 1:5

I refuse to believe that You are ignorant to the amount of pain this loneliness brings.

I know that I have trouble getting along with the mother You gave me.  You must see how I try very hard to understand her but I am human (as you have made me) and I do have a tolerance level.  I have accepted that You gave me this type of mother for a reason.  I see that reason as being to shape my own type of mothering.  So, in the bigger picture, it was a learning process.  I’ve learned now, can I just get a break from her pain now?

I understand that I have made many MANY mistakes and I have been the “Prodigal Son” many times over.  I stray only to come back to You admitting I am weak.  I am weak emotionally.  I am weak physically.  However, since You knew me before I was in the womb, You knew I would be an emotional and emotionally needy person who craved love.  You knew I would crave affection and touch.  You knew I would crave plain old love.  Yet, You have denied it from my life.

For a man named Job, in the Bible, You allow Satan to destroy him, a man who was just about the most faithful man to God that there was.  Satan was a kid in a candy store, being allowed to test one of God’s most faithful servants.Job-Bible-Story_6

All the tests caused Job to lose everything, his family, his riches, and even his health.  Why must everything be a test?  The story of Job is supposed ot teach us that just because one suffers, inside, with loneliness and an empty heart, does not mean one is  being punished for some sin.  That makes sense because I wonder, all the time, what truly horrible transgressions I’m committing other than just being a human full of flaws and having so much need for affection that the void of just that, makes me want to scream.  I constantly feel like I’m looking over my shoulder, so to speak, thinking “what have I done now to deserve this”.  It is feeding my guilty conscience with a vengeance.

I do not write this to You to whine or sound ungrateful, even though that is how it seems.  Upon reflecting on this topic and as I look around the populace, I notice that there are so many lonely humans out there.  Some have given up because they have had one to many interactions with those who do not care for love, only for personal satisfaction.  However, some are truly and honestly, just wanting to find love.  In this aspect, misery does not love company.  I do not feel solice seeing the lonely people all over the globe.  I feel even more sadness because this kind of emptiness is not an easy thing to bare.

I know that You see how lonely myself and so many others are.  I know that sometimes, you just have to turn Your face from it because it is mostly caused by choices we make.  I reach out as a last resort because I know that the choices I made in my past, brought me here.  However, the choices I’m making now, should not keep me down this path.  I always thought I was well deserved of the right path.alice-in-wonderland-mv03

I will not throw back in Your face the wonderful blessing that is my boy, my job, my health, even my cat!  I would never be so arrogant.  I just wonder, is that all that is left?  If so, when will I be able to smile again, to laugh again.  I miss laughing.  What am I missing because I know it is something I, alone, am missing or failing to comprehend.  Or maybe there is just something that You aren’t allowing me to see?

I still believe that you do give us what we can handle, and never more.  That is apparent in the fact that you allowed me to become a mother (something I can handle and outright needed to be) but not to become the mother of a female (something I don’t think I could handle).

Why would you think I couldn’t handle love?  Why do I feel you allow it for others but not myself?  What do I need to change? What am I supposed to learn in the void of loneliness?

I do not question your reasoning.  I just try to understand it.

Sincerely,
Your ever faithful yet sometimes flawed servant
Me

P.S.  Don’t worry, even though I don’t go to a church, I still feel strongly in following You.  I’m just sorry that all the churches are run by more flawed humans.  If You find one run by Jesus Himself, I’ll be first in line to join!  And I will continue to treat myself with kindness and be good to my body.

Maybe it’s not the weight?

I can’t even get a date with a 400 lb guy from match.com.  Let me explain a bit what I mean by this.

I have just been getting the feeling that maybe it isn’t the weight that was keeping me “unattractive”.  What the weight was doing was forcing me into an early grave.  I was looking at a future with diabetes (runs in the family), and I could barely breath or move quickly.

When I start to think about this I think of the phrase that goes something like this “weight can be lost but you can’t lose ugly.”

Apparently, that is the tagline to my life.

Man A

Referring back to the date with the 400 lb guy.  I will admit, I was desperate for some human interaction that wasn’t with my kid or my family.  So I contacted a guy I had met on match.com about 2 years ago.  When I met him then, there really wasn’t any connection at all but I let it continue and we have been interacting every once in a while over the past two years so it wasn’t really out of the blue that I contacted him.  I just asked if he wanted to go get a drink or something.  He agreed, only to text me the day before that he had to cancel, reason unknown.

Man B

There is a father that I’ve seen every day when I drop off The Boy at school in the morning.  He drops off his daughter, who is also in The Boy’s class, and his son.  We sign the in/out sheet at the same time just about every morning.  He’s dressed in business office attire so I’m making the assumption he works in an office type environment.  I have seen no ring on his finger as just yesterday morning, I was able to get a good look because we both reached for the same pen to sign the in/out sheet (he has some amazing smooth white hands to, I’m a sucker for soft hands).  I’ve also never seen the kids dropped off by a mother/woman.  On the flip side, I know men don’t wear wedding rings much anymore and the mother could work early mornings.a-secret-crush

Still, this man I find SUPER and secretly, attractive.

The reason I mention this man I run into every morning at The Boy’s school is because it made me think.  If I can’t even get a 400 lb short ugly guy who has a part time fast food job and lives with his grandmother (Man A), to go out with me, what makes me think that this man who is good looking and obviously has a job at an office (Man B), or any others in his category, would give me the time of day?

I thought that my body and the fat was the problem but as of lately, that isn’t the problem anymore because I have shaped up rather nicely.  I think it’s my Plain Jane looks.  I have been thinking of trying out different things.  I spend a lot of money on the natural beer based shampoo that does wonders for my hair, along with the conditioner.  I’m making an appointment with the eye doctor in hopes that I can get my eyes used to contacts again (although I’m not hopeful since they itch every time I use them) because I think wearing glasses takes away from my face.  I’m even going to get eye lash extensions because I actually can’t wear makeup (eyeliner, mascara, etc.) which I am also allergic to.  Well, either allergic or it just irritates my eyes so that they water incessantly and I can’t keep the makeup from running all over.

This all just seems like so much work and money.  I have never been one to put a lot of work and money into things like eyelash extensions, hair straighten and the like.  I just wished that I could just drop this weight and be done, but apparently there is more to it.

Now don’t get me wrong.  It’s not like I don’t have the proper hygiene regimen.  I really just don’t like the “foo-foo” aspects of being a women.  I don’t have a closet full of high heels and short skirts nor do I shop at Sephora.

I’m just a Plain Jane and apparently Plain Jane’s don’t get Man B and from how things are going with me, not even Man A (refer above).

It could also be my personality.  I really don’t take much B.S. and sometimes say it like it is but not in a disrespectful way.  Let me create this analogy:

I’m like that mean barking snarling dog that is lying in the middle of a ditch with their leg broken and is being approached by a human.  The dog is in pain and seeing this strange human coming towards them.  The dog is going to bark and snap because the dog doesn’t know that the human is trying to save her.

The human gets a hold of the dog, but not after the dog might have snapped at him, maybe even drew blood.  The human calms the dog with treats, toys, soft scratching behind the ears.  The dog is now calm and the human can attend to the dogs wounds.

The dog heals and is the humans’ most loyal, loving and attached companion, fighting only for the human who never leaves their side.  In return, the human showers love and affection on the dog. Forever and ever and EVER!cute-puppy-pictures-true-love

That is me in a nutshell.

Or maybe that is my fairy tale?

Regardless, it could very well be that many men just simply do not want to get past the first stage of this analogy, the snapping dog.

This is all so sad because I know I have so much to give and I’m dying inside.

Disneyland alone = I’m a Loser

My Disneyland Annual Pass expired this past Sunday.  I have mixed feelings about this.

First, I just didn’t feel the $1200 a year (broken down into $80 monthly payments for a Premium Pass and a Deluxe Pass) was worth it anymore.  There is no longer an “off season” anymore as it’s always crowded.  I feel the customer service and the demeanor of the Cast Members who work there has gone down tremendously.  The worst is not really even Disney’s fault.  The people who go there now are horrible.  I know some people in this world are innately jerks but I can’t believe the number of people who out right break rules and just don’t care about others.  I found myself having to fight for what was right at just about every visit.  That, combined with the fact that CM’s just don’t care to enforce rules anymore, pretty much had me disgusted over the past year.

Also, The Boy just seems desensitized to it all as well and I feel I’m spoiling him.  When we go, he never wants to ride anything except Indiana Jones then just walk around.  Usually, he’ll stay to dance at Mad T Party then want to ride Monster’s Inc. but that is it.  I guess that is the whole point of having an AP but I had to start weighing the financial pros and cons.

On the other side of the coin, I am sad to not have that little pass with my name in my wallet anymore and have the freedom of going whenever I can, something I’ve had for the past 10 years of my life and pretty much The Boy’s whole life (his first visit was at 10 months old).

As I said before, our passes expired this past Sunday so on Friday night, I took The Boy for our last visit together, and then on Saturday, I dropped him off with my sister and went out to the Parks by myself.

That excursion in itself brought mixed emotions.  It started out, well, very lonely.  I didn’t actually get into the park until late afternoon.  I walked around a bit, and then decided I needed to eat.  I went to Flo’s, the diner type place in Carsland, and had an overpriced turkey salad.

flos-v8-cafe-00

Photo from Disneyland.com

I sat in the corner of the diner, by myself, with my nose in my phone playing Candy Crush.  I watched families, couples, and friends pass by and that was when I realized, this isn’t fun.  In fact what it was feeling like was, sad.

I needed to walk around some more.  I didn’t feel I got noticed for being alone as much walking around.  And I was listening to some great tunes with my ear buds and new cell phone.

I actually got some great exercise in.  I always walk fast and have noticed with less weight on me, I walk even faster now.  I wanted to time my events right as I wanted to see and do the things that The Boy never lets me do when I have him with me, which is all the time.

For a little while, the walking around helped my mood.  I exited DCA to go into Disneyland because I know I wanted to ride Space Mountain, something The Boy doesn’t want to ride.  However, I started to feel pathetic standing alone in line for Space Mountain.  Most of the rides have a Single Rider line that is only for people who ride alone and that line usually isn’t long.  Space Mountain doesn’t have a Single Rider Line.  So, I had to stand in the whole queue, alone.  Luckily, the line wasn’t more than about 30 minutes but I had my nose in my phone playing Candy Crush the whole time, again.  I felt like all eyes were staring at the loser all by herself.

What is interesting about this is that, in the past 10 years I’ve had an AP, I’ve gone to the Parks alone before.  Although, I’ve noticed that each time it becomes less and less enjoyable and more and more lonely.

IMG_20130817_183332

White Rabbit DJ (DJ Wendy Walker)

Space Mountain was pretty much the only ride I rode.  I walked back to the DCA to get my free sample of a Ghiradelli Caramel Square  (I deserved it with the amount of walking I did and they are only 100 calories) then headed towards Mad T Party to watch the band, another thing that The Boy never allows me to do.

IMG_20130817_211642

Alice

DJ Wendy Walker was the White Rabbit DJ this night.  I will certainly miss DJ Jason Jass on my Friday night visits.  I enjoyed some dancing (more exercise) and the Mad T Party band.

These performers are so much fun to watch.  They are so animated and seem to really love what they are doing and are having fun doing it.  These seem like people who didn’t let anyone put them down with something like “You can’t perform at a kiddie park as a cartoon character! Get a real job!” (said in my mother’s voice because that is totally something she would say to me).  They are all also super talented.  My personal favorite is the Cheshire Cat drummer, pictured below.   Not only is Cheshire Cat my favorite Alice in Wonderland character but who doesn’t love a great drummer!

IMG_20130817_212038

Cheshire Cat Drummer

I ended up timing things rather perfectly  because as the Mad T Party ended and DCA was preparing to close, it was just enough time to make a mad walking dash to get back to Disneyland to catch the 10:30 showing of Fantasmic, yet another show The Boy never allows me to sit and watch.

My favorite part is the wonderful Maleficent Dragon that appears in all it’s glory at the ending of the show. It’s super big.

20130817_224923The park was closed after that.  I waited a while for the crowds to disperse then left.

I will miss taking my Disney photography, some of which you can see here.

I’m sure I will find other means of entertainment.  I still have my Universal Studio AP which is turning out to be fun each time we go.  It’s just a bit farther of a drive and I hate Los Angeles traffic.  I know that preparations are being made for Harry Potter to be built at Universal Hollywood soon so I’m sure they will gain a lot of popularity after that and their AP’s will go up tremendously.

I will probably get Disney passes again sometime in the future.  Right now, it just doesn’t seem worth it.  Also, as The Boy is getting older and he is getting more into Hockey, that is where all my extra money is going.  And food because he won’t stop eating.

Are you happy?

I stayed home from work today.  There was a reason for it but mainly, I really just didn’t want to go.  I’m finding it hard to keep my composure and patience and I’m finding I’m having to just bite my tongue a lot.  Especially, now that I’ve been moved into a smaller work space, which feels like a form of a demotion to me.  My frustration from that stems from being basically told “tough but that office was meant for a paralegal and you are not one” but oddly enough, all I hear is “you are just not good enough to be in an office because the big bad paralegal who got a degree is better than you”

I just have to bite my lip, bend over and take it because, well, I need a job or I’m on the streets, begging for food and that isn’t an exaggeration.

I stayed home and spent the first hours of the morning in bed staring at this beautiful face.  I was just so exhausted, more emotional than physical.  I laid in bed, with my cat therapy and I thought.

I thought about an interesting phenomenon that has been going on in the whole course of my life for as long as I can remember.  I’ve been alive for 36 1/2 years and I can count only one 3 month period where I felt I was actually happy.

I was about 6 months pregnant, almost 10 years ago, and I had been taken off work due to slight complications.  I had just moved into a nice condo with my then husband and was under no stress.  I woke up whenever I wanted, I spent hours relaxing with my two cats Nikita and Dunpeel.  I had my child growing inside me.  I had no money worries because since I was on medical disability, Aflac paid me $1400 a month as well as my employer at the time paying me disability on top of still getting paid my regular paycheck because I was using paid time off.

Those three months are the only time I can remember where I didn’t feel heartbreak, sorrow, worries and the pressure of everything around me.

Never again, before or after, did I feel that kind of peace ever again.  I only have a whole of loneliness and emotional suffering ahead.

I want that moment back.

So, when I am asked “are you happy” I can answer “no”.

When I am asked “have you ever been happy”, I an answer “only 3 months in my entire 36 year existence”.

I just want to be free.

I feel like a hamster on a wheel

hamster-wheel

It’s just the same old thing, over and over.  I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to get excited about.  Well, I take some of that back.  I did get approved for a 8 day vacation at Christmas time, which includes 2 paid holidays.  I’m going with my sister to visit our other sister in Montana.  However, I still have that forboding feeling that something will try to ruin that and it will probably be my mother.

I have no money for food again today.  I spent the last I had on lunch items for The Boy.  He eats before me.  That is my basic rule when money is tight. So as of lately, there has been nothing left over after I feed him or get his lunch items, which I’ve had to get more of because, well he’s a growing boy.  So, some days, I starve.  I’m not going to die. I have enough fat to cover the lack of food.  It’s just more annoying.

I forgot to boil eggs last night so I have no hard boiled eggs for lunch today.  I’m going to survive today on a Greek yogurt and a cup of strawberries.   In all honesty, that is why I have been losing weight.  All my food expenses go to The Boy and I just get what is left over which is usually nothing.  It’s been a rough summer since I had to pay twice as much for summer camp in June and July and now, The Boy’s moving up to the Hockey clinic so I need to get his full gear which is turning out to run into the $500 range. Unbelievable.

I have -$30 in my account until next Wednesday.   Yes that is a “negative” sign you see in front of that number.  And I have no idea how I’m going to fill my tank with gas.  I may have to skip work and call in “don’t have enough money to get gas to get to work” one day until next Wednesday.  I already had to take back some clothes of The Boy’s that I allowed myself to be tricked into buying (believe me, I only blame myself).  I cried to The Boy on Monday after I picked him up from school telling him that I over spent and it was my fault and I would have to take some clothes back.  He put his hand on my shoulder and said, “it’s ok and look! I caught a lizard!”

God I love that kid so much!

Also, my Water/Sewer/Trash bill has gone up like 60%.  This is the bill that most apartment complexes pay for but not the one I’m in.  It’s my highest utility bill at $70 a month which is what it was last month.  I have a 755 sq ft apartment.  I have no idea how I can have that much for water/sewer/trash.  I know sewer and trash I can’t even control but I know I don’t use that much water.  When I asked about it I was basically told “sorry, that is what it is”.

I know I’m not going to be able to afford this apartment by my lease renewal next June.  Rent has gone up all three years I’ve been here and not by a couple of bucks.   I think $100 is the most I’ve seen it go up.

I’ll figure it out though.  It’s just so disheartening as I’m trying my best.  I almost lost it on Monday afternoon though.  I realized that I had not one more cent and I still had to pay rent and for this month’s hockey lesson.  On the drive home, my sister called because I asked her, my out of work sister, if she had $20 to cover some of hockey lessons.  I lost it.  It was another dark hole of The Nothing I was falling into at that moment and I wanted to die and be done with all this anguish and pain, just be done.

I breathed and moved on.  One of these days, I won’t get to the breathe and move on moment and just keep falling until I stop falling and the pain is done. *sigh*

warningcontains-200x200Deep in my heart though…I know it’s still black with hate because I know that the father of my child, who turned his back and left his son gets to prance around, bang whoever he wants and do whatever he wants while I have to worry about money, hockey gear (which if I don’t get soon I will never hear the end of the complaining from The Boy) and schooling.  As time goes on, I really do feel myself just hating that man and I will continue to do so, regardless if he’s the father of my child.

I don’t like having so much hate in my heart, but at least it’s geared towards one person that I rarely see or converse with ever.

This just in:  I’ve just been told that I will now be forced to move out of my office with the door and window into a stuffy cubicle in the small hallway.  Apparently, my office is for a paralegal, not legal secretary, which I am, something I’ve never been told in the last year and 2 months I’ve been here.

It just gets better and better.

I have had the night to think on this…

I found out about my childhood friend dying last night, around 10:00 p.m.

I’ve had some time to think, to message and get a response from her sister on what the heck happened. 

She did have Stage IV Breast Cancer and had been fighting it for 3 years.  Apparently, no one really knew and I believe that was by her request.  I totally respect and understand that.  She also will not be having a funeral service, also by her request.  That last one kinda bothers me but I’m trying to find out at least where I can visit her gravesite.

I will admit to wanting to cry, a lot, here at my desk at work.  I probably should have just stayed home but I am one to put on a happy face, when inside, I’m screaming in pain.

I know sometimes, I just want to shake my fists at God asking “WHY?”.

Why would two of my friends, who were fairly healthy people, non-smokers, non-drinkers, one a devoted wife and mother, the other a kind soul, be taken so young…yet….

My ex husband who a) abandons his son b) drinks and smokes heavily c) gets into bar fights and d) is just an over all mean and heartless soul amongst who knows what other bad habits he’s contracted…….gets a clean bill of health every year and will more than likely live until he is an old man.

There are other people I’ve known who have done horrible things and live into their 90’s. 

That kind of “logic” will never make sense to me, ever.  No matter how many minister’s or Christians explain it to me.  Is it the Achilles’ Heel of my faith?  It sure is.  It just simply is not fair.

I would like to think it could possibly be a type of torture.  These people have to live with how they are and/or what they have done.  So life, for them, is a jail sentence into their souls.

My friends, were just to damn good for this World and needed to move up higher than anyone.

Maybe….maybe I’m just sick of all this death happening around me lately.  It’s bumming me out.

What would we be doing right now?

I remember what we were doing before we were 29.

  • You always had so many different friends that I always felt that I was sharing you with so many others, even if you were the only true friend I had.
  • You were usually telling me that I was a bit to blunt and outspoken for my own good and you would always do it in a way that put me in my place, without making me feel like a Class A Bag of Douche.
  • You would always pour me to much Rum and Coke and I would always push it away, until I just decided to just take the drink so you would stop pestering me to lighten up.
  • You helped me through my wedding and fights with my mother, even though you shared her feelings that I was marrying the absolutely wrong man.
  • You always had positive words and a bright smile………Always, up until we were 29.

What would we be doing now?

  • You would have been my shoulder to cry on when my divorce finally became reality because you always listened so patiently and without judgement.
  • You NEVER would have said “I told you so” after my marriage was officially done because you would have known that my family would have already said it enough.
  • You would have helped me with my child as much as you could.
  • You would have given me the advice and the strength to venture on my own and to be independent as a single mother.
  • You would have joined me on my adventures with my son, and smiled the whole time.
  • You would be here with me, in the present, to take me out for coffee or a stiff drink, when I needed a night off.

However, we will not be doing those things.  At 29, something else entered our lives.  At 29, Cancer claimed you and stole from me my Best Friend.

You were my only friend and I have never found your equal since, nor do I feel I ever will.

7 years ago, my life went from “what did we do then” to “what would we be doing right now”.

I miss you so much it hurts to the core of my being and I would give anything to have you back, sitting here, telling me that I’m a bit blunt and outspoken, then handing me a Rum and Coke.

rum and coke

The Nothing

As I sip my hot tea behind my desk, each time I swallow it feels like I’m swallowing razor blades and the pain makes me think about my current existence.

Let’s talk about suicide.

Now, before you all start dialing the 911, I’m not going to kill myself. I don’t believe in murder and yes, suicide is murder. However, I will say that to just not exist anymore is a very inviting notion even if it is pretty much the equivalent of being dead. To not exist means that one is in a state of no pain. Pain, that comes from the soul and not from the physical flesh is so very debilitating.

So, I can say that I completely understand why some people do consider this option, as sad as that is.

But that is not really where I’m going with this.

I believe I speak more of the suicide of one’s soul.  I would guess that someone whose soul has committed suicide would be more like a Zombie, except they don’t require feeding on flesh to survive. They just roam the earth, doing daily functions, yet have no enjoyment in much of anything.

What happens when one’s soul wants to jump off a bridge?  I believe this is something that a 1980’s movie brought into the light.

The Nothing.The Nothing is Coming

Atreyu: What is the Nothing?

G’mork: It’s the emptiness that’s left. It’s like a despair, destroying this world. And I have been trying to help it.

Atreyu: But why?

G’mork: Because people who have no hopes are easy to control. And whoever has control has the Power.

The Nothing is described as “the emptiness that is left”.  There is just a “nothing” type feeling.  I get up, I go to work, pay my bills, deal with my kid but The Nothing is still there, hovering over my soul making it feel heavy and listless.

My soul was once light, fluffy and had spirit. That is gone.

My soul would once laugh and dance. That is gone.

What is left is a hole void of any human compassion or any human touch. Void of laughter and vivacity. My soul feels like it is slowly just disappearing.  It feels like it is committing suicide.  It feels like….The Nothing.

Why is this?

As of this moment, I have not one single friend. Yes, you read that right, not one friend. I have people I talk to online, through Facebook or Twitter maybe but never that friend/s you call to go have dinner or drinks or see a movie. Not one. I do not exaggerate about that.

However, I do live my every moment around my son.  Anything I do, it’s with him.

My daily routine is:

Get up

Take the Boy to school

Spend 8 hours behind a desk in an office

Leave office to pick up The Boy from school

Come home and make dinner and do homework

Time for bed

Wash, rinse, repeat.

Being that his father turned his back on him 8 years ago and never looked back, I do this on my own, no “visitation weekends” off.  So my life is and probably always will, revolve around The Boy.

I would have to say this leads to a very lonely lifestyle.  I have no one to talk to.  I have no one who asks me how my day was.  I doubt that anyone even cares.

I sit, by myself, watching TV or on the computer.  For instance, I was alone when I reacted to the last Episode of Game of Thrones.  I found a video on YouTube which showed reactions from people while watching that episode and most of these people were in rooms filled with others, also watching it with them and reacting with them. I was alone.  No one to react with me.  No one to scream at the TV with me. (It was a VERY startling episode if you haven’t already heard.)

When I contemplate this existence, I wonder, how did I get to this point?  Mainly because I have developed a severe lack of trust in anyone male, female or alien (although I have yet to meet an alien and if I did, I probably wouldn’t trust them right away. I mean they ARE an alien).

After my divorce in 2005, I grew to not trust men nor their intentions after finding out that the man I married was pretty much a liar, a manipulator and an all around asshole with an alcohol problem to boot.  I still blame myself for not seeing it.  This blame upon myself led to my lack of trust in my own judgment of people, even if I was deceived.  After a few dates between then and now (I can count the dates on one hand and they don’t reach the 5 fingers that hand has), I grew to not trust men even more.

Even my own family (which is basically mother, father and sister) always seem to betray me in some way either with neglect, hurtful words or selfishness.

Then of course, there is the lack of any human decency in the human race, period.  The things I read and see on the news TV are enough to send me running to Hermitville, Population 1.

Humans are disappointing and my lack of trust in them did NOT just sit with men.

So, we have established, that 1) I’m lonely 2) I have no adult human interaction on a regular basis which leads to 3) hopelessness. The kind of hopelessness that even a strong faith in God can’t fix.  The kind of hopelessness that this dark and thundering monster called The Nothing thrives from.

The-Nothing-2

The road I travel is lonely and ends in The Nothing

How much I do long for my soul to be kick started like a dead car battery and talked down from the slippery ledge it is on. I loathe and despise the fact that I have never known love beyond my relatives, relatives who are obligated to love me and I them, simply because we share blood. What’s even worse, is realizing that I may never know that kind of love, ever.  I would be to afraid of more disappointment.

After being on this planet for the past 36 years, I used to fear death and its finality.

I have now come to realize, there can be a fate worse than death.

Loneliness and his minion, The Nothing.

Witnessing the moment my best friend died…..

An experience like what I describe below is an experience one never forgets.

The following is long but its best to start out with how I came to be blessed with and to love my Best Friend.

M. and I were best friends from the womb. It’s true!

Our mothers were best friends. They both became pregnant at the same time. She was born only two months before me. Her in September, me in December. We were friends from the beginning of our lives. That is why I always considered her more of a sister to me.

We grew up together, played together. I used to wait for her at her house when my mother would be helping her mother with work. I would wait for her at her front door for her to come  home from school. We started our gaming together.

And she always envied my Strawberry Shortcake collection.

I didn't have quite this many, but almost. Memories...

I didn’t have quite this many, but almost. I also had the play house that came with the set. Memories…

Yet, I always envied her Cabbage Patch Kid collection.

More memories. And she even had the TWINS!

More memories. And she even had the TWINS!

We would always spend the night at each other’s houses. We even shared clothes. I remember we had other friends as our parents knew a lot of people in our Cult but it was always me and her.

As we got older, our paths stopped crossing. We both went to the same private school the Cult owned.  But I was set back in the 6th grade leaving her and a lot of my other friends to move forward while I stayed behind. Luckily, I made new friends but she was in Jr High and I was still stuck in elementary. We no longer shared the same adventures and friends as we used to.

In high school, she ended up going to a public school a year earlier than me at a school that was about 15 miles from where I ended up going to public school. Our paths never crossed much at all at that point. I made my own friends in my school though. But we still remained as close as we could, considering our distance.

She started college at U.C. San Diego during my Senior year in high school. I spent many weekends visiting her during my Senior year in high school, partying with her and her new circle of college friends.  Being that I didn’t have many friends at my own school, there was no reason for me to not visit her when I didn’t have to actually go to school.

I remember a few weekends in Tijuana. I remember getting super drunk and making out with one of her guy friends who I was super attracted to. I remember her drunk friends (not me) who she always ended up having to babysit at the end of the night.

Oh no she didn't

One night, I was at home and she called me up around 2am, crying. If you knew her, you would have known that she never cried. Half asleep, I asked her what is wrong and she tells me that one of her friends had gotten drunk and started making out with her boyfriend.

Well, I had my shoes on, my keys in my hand and I told her I would be over there in 1 hour (it took 2 1/2 hours to drive from my house to her dorm in San Diego) to kick this girls ass.  She soon realized that she may have had a mistake in calling me knowing that I would react this way. Again if you knew her, you would also know that she was the most non-confrontational and easy going person on the planet. That is why lots of different people were attracted to her and able to take advantage of her. Even the drunk sluts…

Needless to say, I did not kick anyone’s ass that night, which may have been a good thing.

Towards the end of her first year in college, she started to get really really tired. She later told me that she thought she was partying too much, and smoking and drinking too much or maybe the 1st year of college was taking its toll on her. So she cut down on smoking and drinking. But just before the end of her Freshman year in college she was sent to the ER because she was having trouble breathing.

We later found out, she had a large lump in her neck just at the collarbone and one crushing her lungs.

When it was thoroughly examined, she ended up with the diagnosis of Cancer, Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.

She was 18 years old.

She recovered from the initial onset of it and did her radiation treatments. She had a head full of dark lustrous naturally curly hair. And I mean the curls that are ringlets, all what God had given her. She never dyed it excessively and always kept is long.  Her hair was beautiful.

Within months of her treatments, it was gone. She was devastated. Myself and many of our other friends pitched in for hats and scarves to help her out. It was all we could do.

After a year of the treatments and her losing all her hair, she finally went into remission. She had 2 years of being cancer free.

Then it returned. She was 21.

This time it hit her harder. Some lumps were found in her feet and around her neck. She went back to treatments and lost all the hair she had just grown back. This lasted for about another year.

At this point, I had already met the man I was going to marry and later divorce. I remember when she first met him she asked him a million questions and he hated that. He didn’t like having questions asked of himself. But that is who she was. She wanted to know who her friend was dating. It was a gesture of concern that any good friend would do.

She was back in her home town, Pasadena, CA and rooming with another friend of ours. She smoked a lot of Marijuana to help her relax as she was just ending another round of treatments. Of course, I engaged in that with her. But quickly realized pot wasn’t my thing. Blegh….

She had already graduated from college but she wanted to pursue photography as a hobby so she took some classes at Pasadena City College (yup, the same place that I was Homecoming Princess). During this time, I was preparing for my wedding and she wanted to take some photos of me. She was actually really good. I remember she took some still photos of a martini shaker and martini glass. She gave a print to me and signed it. That photo is still hanging in my dining room to this day with her signature.

She used the colleges’ photography studios to take my portraits.  What came from this photo session was probably the most fun I’ve ever had and some photos of myself that I still, to this day, deny its me. She really captured me wonderfully.

Here were the best photos of that session:

I still remember this one. Just after she clicked the photo, I started cracking up. I couldn't keep a straight face. I was nervous.

I still remember this one. Just after she clicked the photo, I started cracking up. I couldn’t keep a straight face. I was nervous.

100_1747

I started laughing hysterically after this one to. It was HER idea to show, uh, more than I cared to.

That session was a riot! She was laughing a lot to only because I couldn’t keep a straight face to get any good photos. I had a pair of my glasses on so she wanted to use those as a prop. It was a lot of fun.  These photos were taking in 2001

Soon after these photos, I got married.  She had just turned 24 and I was about to turn 24. She had just finished her round of treatments and her hair was a cute little short cut. I remember I got her rhinestone hair clippies to wear.

Below is her and I at my Bachelorette night. She and two of our other friends took me to Saddle Ranch on Sunset Blvd. in West Hollywood, CA.

MichelleandClaraBachorlerettePary

I rode the mechanical bull, got knocked off it, then drank a lot. Then they took me to a strip joint…needless to say, I got really drunk and passed out in a car, somewhere. That seems like a whole other lifetime ago.

I then got married and she worked for a little while but was always feeling so tired, listless. The below photo was taken at a 2002 New Year’s party. It was one of the last times she would live life normally.

1368037135499

In 2004, I had my son and she just happened to live right across the street from the hospital where I was at. She was one of the first people to visit me after I had given birth. At this point, she was starting to get dark spots all over her skin and her hair was not growing back as it used to. She never told me what the doctors really said was happening to her but her body was deteriorating. However, she always tried to function normally and refused to let any of us acknowledge that she needed help with things. 

Soon after that she moved out of her apartment that she was sharing with a roomate to move in with her parents in Pasadena. Of course, I wasn’t told why she did this but I knew it was so her parents could help her more. In the summer of 2005, her parents took her to the Caribbean and New York City, two places she has always wanted to go.

In September of 2005, her family threw her a 29th birthday party. Everyone she had ever known in the 29 years she was living, was there.  People came up from San Diego, even other countries like Ireland! (She travelled a lot during her college years and made friends in other countries). The aura of the party was always kept lively and fluffy, on the surface. But we all knew what each and every one of us was thinking.

She was dying.

At this party, there was one moment where she was to weak to get up from a soft chair she was sitting in. Some of us offered to help her up but, completely out of her character, she smacked their hands saying she didn’t need help. She didn’t say it loud or mean. She just really didn’t think she was dying. She probably couldn’t believe it.

Note:  The next part of this was VERY VERY hard for me to write. I believe it took me about two weeks to get my thoughts in order and get it all typed out. Many times, I had to just stop, the pain was more than I anticipated it to be.

The last time I was to “party” with my best friend was New Year’s 2006.

happy-new-years-2006

We were in Pasadena at a Steakhouse on Colorado Blvd. The group was our smaller, closer group of friends which included two other close girlfriends and their husbands, myself and her.

We ate and danced in the New Year. She was actually in really good spirits that night. She enjoyed her food and even danced a bit. But I’m sure she was forcing it.

Two weeks later, my mother called me at work.  It was Thursday, January 12, 2006.

“M. is in a coma”

I left work within seconds. I don’t even remember what excuse I gave my boss. I think it was that there was an emergency and I needed to go to the hospital.

I first went to my parents house and we all went together, my parents, my sister and my then 2 year old son. When we arrived, they only allowed a certain number of people in the room and no children so my father stayed outside with my 2 year old while my mother, sister and I went into her room. She was at the City of Hope.

She was hooked up to ever machinery imaginable. She was no longer really breathing on her own, the machines were doing it. Her skin was still so blotchy and full of dark spots. Her mother was there as well as her other family and friends of her mother’s and of our families.

I had been there for about an hour when I realized that my son had to get home. Since we all came in one car, my mother offered to take him home with my sister and father and my father would say home with him and my sister and mother would return to the hospital.

About 20 minutes after they left, we were all standing around her bed. Her aunt was rubbing her feet and had just put Phantom of the Opera (her favorite) in her ears with ear buds.

I can still see her breathing…very shallow, up and down, up and down…then. Nothing.

No movement at all. At this point, a lot happened all at once and all within 1-2 minutes.

Her aunt who was rubbing her feet said “she stopped breathing!” 

Then her father started yelling her name before crumpling onto the floor like a pile of clothes.

Her mother, at her bedside, was crying, more like screaming. I had known this woman for 29 years and had never seen her cry, ever.

I’m sure others in the room were crying but I only remember her father and mother.

I grabbed her mother’s hand with one hand, then grabbed my best friend’s cold hand in the other. I noticed something amazing happen to her body within these few seconds.

When I first saw her lying there, her skin was covered in blotches and dark spot.

draft_lens17652259module149837395photo_1303924668soul-rising

However, the moment she stopped breathing, I knew her soul had left her body because her skin instantaneously cleared up from the dark spots. It was like something you would see in a movie, some sort of CGI effect. Her skin just became clear and was like porclein.

It was the most amazing thing I’ve never seen in my life. Like magic. Like her body had become just a shell as her soul was lifted away.

I called my mother who was actually on the way back to the hospital with my sister and told her “she’s gone”…..

Everything I’ve stated here was absolutely true, there was no fabrications for drama effect. I experienced this.

At the age of 29, my best friend lost her 11 year battle to cancer.

That’s what I say!

 

I remember after her brother came in and he was in shock, absolutely speechless, I decided I couldn’t take it anymore and left with my mother and sister.

I got home and I believe I just passed out.

The next day was a Friday. I had planned a Disneyland visit (I had been taking The Boy to Disneyland since he was 10 months old and Fridays were my days off from work which was when I went).

I decided that I would go ahead and go. Below is a photo that was taken the day after my best friend died.

It is with Eeyore, both her favorite character and mine.

eeyore

The smile was very forced but I was still happy to be hugging something that she liked.

I spoke at her funeral. The church was filled with over 250 people. She touched many lives.

I know the preceding was extremly long and I thank you for taking the time to read it. This was yet another major part of who I am today. I miss her tremndously and know that my life would be so different if she was still walking it with me.

However, she was the sweetest and kindess person I had ever known. The only place left for her was with God.

Living life as a fat, ugly girl

I realize that is a harsh title. It was harsh to write. However, it is the truth.

“Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder”

I have always guffawed at that statement. We are human. We thrive on pleasure. Everyone will enjoy looking at a pleasurable face over an ugly or plain face. If anyone says otherwise, they are a lying.

Again, it is harsh for me to say it, but it is the truth. Our eyes want to see beauty not just in the form of a person’s face but in landscapes, colors, maybe a beautiful colored flower garden or a painting.

Humans enjoy beauty.

Humans will also shun those who are not seen as beautiful. Then again, Society is responsible for a lot of this to but in reality, what is Society made up of. Humans. And again, if one claims to not have done this at least once in their life, I call them liars.

I have never felt or ever considered myself beautiful by any means. I have always considered myself a Plain Jane. I do not like make up.  I never was one to wear a lot of make up outside of going to a special event.  As I’ve gotten older, I simply can’t wear it anymore. My eyes water and my skin itches. Make up and me, are no longer friends.

I never spent hours on my hair every day. For the most part, I wore it short just to keep it easy. However, I will admit, that when it is long, it is my best feature. But even my best “beauty” feature is becoming null and void because I’m losing my hair and if I don’t take the time to dye it ever two weeks, the greying ages me 20 years. And yes, I have a full head of pretty much “salt and pepper” hair (if I don’t dye regularly). It’s mortifying but I’ve been greying since I was 16. It was inevitable.

These are a few examples of when I was shunned for lacking beauty.

1) I was 20 and the current boyfriend I had was driving us to go pick up an old friend of his. We did pick him up, and as the night went on, I over heard this old friend telling my boyfriend just this, word for word, (I wished I could forget it) “Dude, you can do better than *that*. She is a dog” …….No.joke. Welcome to my memories..

2) I’m working at a pretty well known high end restaurant here in S. California. I was a hostess. I had been there for all of a few weeks. I over hear the male waiters and kitchen staff say (again, wished I could erase my memory) “oh that one…? that one is butt ugly.”

These are just two examples I remember…I may have mentally blocked a lot out.

Weight is just a Number

I’ve also never been able to keep a “healthy” weight. My first diet was at 12 years old, Weight Watchers.

I can remember being teased many times in my childhood (along with the many humiliations elementary school provided). One particular sticks to mind.

I was at a roller skating rink at a church function and a boy who always teased me for some reason told me “you don’t need skates, you will just rollll out there”. I’m sure you all understood what he meant.

Another was this boys’ sister who was on the same church cheerleading squad. One time, she was in the dressing room and she grabbed my cheer skirt, which was about 3 sizes to big for her and proceeded to put it on and dance around in it, showing all the other girls that it was 3 sizes to big.

Now, I know that others with the same issues as myself may have had similar stories and I’m sure even worse stories, but these were the few I remembered.

It’s because of these human reactions to fat and ugliness that I have always been over looked.  I have never turned any eyes, I’ve remained extremely shy which lead to a pretty much non-existent self-esteem and self-worth.

I was on and off diets my whole life. I do recall three times where a certain “diet” worked and I was at a very nice looking weight. But as is the norm, this weight never stayed off.

The first was when I was 17.  I was about 155 lbs at this age. Oddly enough, it was a Richard Simmons diet. Yes, you read that right. Richard Simmons. It looked kinda like this:

img_4347

The concept was easy enough and the foundation for any diet plan. You have a certain amount of certain types of food, which the color coded cards represented. When that food was eaten, the color coded card that represents that food (ex. Pink cards were fruit), was moved over to the right slots under breakfast, lunch or dinner. When all the cards were gone, you were done eating for the day. I got my weight down to 140 lbs. People thought I was sick, I got so skinny.  However, according to the “charts”, 140 is not “skinny” for a 5 foot 4 inch female. Yet, I was skinny enough for people to think I was sick.

As I said, I was 17 when I started this and the personal happenings in my life had a lot to do with the weight loss. I was in my Sr. year in high school and didn’t have ONE friend (yes you read that right…I had not ONE friend my Sr. year in high school, I didn’t even go to my Sr. prom or Grad Night). Also, I only went to school half days. I left at Noon, I got on a bus down the street from my school, drove on the bus for 10 miles to an afternoon filing job at a mortgage company. This was my Senior year in high school. On the weekend, I would visit my best friend at UC San Diego where she was doing her Freshman year in college.

The second time I lost a lot of weight was the first few months of my marriage in 2001-02.  I’m sure my husband at the time was afraid of the whale I could possibly become and he monitored ALL my eating. He made my lunches, made our dinners. I was watched constantly.

The third time, was 10 months after I had my child. I was a around 210 lbs. It was also probably the only time that I actually COULD have kept it off permanently. But life always gets in the way. I worked for L.A.P.D. as a time keeping clerk. In the station, there was a great exercise room. I worked PM watch so my “lunch break” would be around 8 or 9 pm. I would spend that time watching LOST in the exercise room on the elliptical. Also, I started Jenny Craig, as a few years before I had paid to be a lifetime member and could join for free (“plus the cost of food“). Jenny always worked for me. It was planned out meals, I didn’t have to do anything but heat them up, eat them and do my hour on the elliptical. I got down to 165 lbs.

It was this time that I lost the most and felt great because I was doing power exercise (the elliptical is a good workout) along with it. However, I was also going through a lot of rough times living with my parents and having a newborn/infant.

It was the diet yo-yo

It was the diet yo-yo

I gained all that back after I quite my LAPD job (it was to far to travel there from my parents house) and then lost the new city job I got only 3 months after that. I then moved up to Washington state for 3 months, then moved back. Then it just started piling on again.

I think the most of what I’ve gained has been this past year though. I tried Jenny Craig again, this time last year and was up to 15lbs lost but it is expensive.

I’m now pushing 250lbs.

Let’s look at all the three times the diets worked. First, I was 17….17! I was young and vivacious. Anything would have worked fast. Second time, it wasn’t me that was pushing it. It was my husband at the time who was afraid I would turn into a walrus. Third, I wanted to lose baby weight and had the time, money and resources to exercise without interruption.

I wished that the storyline from Tyler Perry’s “Why did I get Married?” was true. The storyline I’m talking about is a very large Sheila, finally dumps her husband who does nothing but make fun of her because she is fat and who is also cheating on her.

imagesCATJRD9J

Sheila is made fun of by her husband. He was awful to her.

She just *happens* to run into a good looking sheriff who miraculously thinks she is perfect for his perfect self (well he does tell her if she doesn’t like herself to change it but with him as motivation…)_MG_9793.CR2

He helps her to feel better about herself and even drop some pounds into the woman you see in the picture below (on far left)

12_300dpi

(uh…not in the real world sister….)

And at the end, she admits to her friends she’s happy and he works out with her and all is well in the world of fatness…

Bull.Shit (I don’t make fun of the movie as it was great…just the concept).

For me, none of those things are apparent in my life right now. I do try to cook meals at home.  Chicken, lean beef and steamed veggies because its not just me, its a kid I have to cook for to. And I will admit that fast food is the Devil’s food for me.

But its the exercise. I am just dormant. The motivation is not there and that is the key with me.

Also, I have the metabolism of a turtle. I realized there was a pattern. To lose weight, I needed to eat below 1000 calories a day (sometimes less) and do aerobic exercise at least 2 hours a day. I do not joke about that. When I lost the most weight, I was doing just that. My exercise regimens were brutal. I don’t have time for that right now. I’m so exhausted all I want to do is sleep.

I’m half way through my life and I realize these things about me:

I have never been one to “stop traffic” per say.

I have never been one to make a guy side glance.

I’m reminded of this scene in the movie Big Fish

Big_Fish

He sees her at the opposite end of a crowded circus tent

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Time stops for him, completely as she is the only thing that he sees in the whole room.

That will never happen to me. Even in my youth it was never going to happen. I never turned heads. Hell, even the husband I did get was probably to drunk to realize he was marrying an “ugly cow” and when he did realize he sure wasn’t slow in admitting it to my face he never loved me and thought I wasn’t physically appealing. (hence, the lack of sex as the marriage marched towards its end).

At this point in my life, I feel like I live with only one purpose. To make sure that the child God chose for me to take care of is fed, clothed, educated and taught right from wrong. I will just continue to do that as I realize that my good years are all gone.

I know that tons of women go through some of the examples I gave of when people were mean. I wished it wasn’t so.

Finally: The picture below was 13 years ago, I was 24. It was my wedding day, and what you see here is both hope and denial beaming from me. More of the latter, than the former.

Hope that all the red flags in the person I was about to marry were not really there.

And Denial, that the red flags weren’t really there.

Me on my wedding day – 155lbs

Maybe Eeyore will help me move into my new apartment

I have boxes stacked all over my apartment. They are going up the walls, stacked high. I have not received one offer of help from anyone in my family.

Well, I lied. I realized that I could not physically move the big items such as my dining table, hutch, beds, and entertainment center. So I got my mother to ask her cousin if her son can help with the big items in 2 weeks. He was enticed with the offer of cash, which is no problem. He’s a good kid and always willing to work odd jobs for a few bucks. I respect that.

However, the boxes and all the little random items that are in shelves, cabinets and closets are all getting moved by myself and my 9 year old.

I’m so physically exhausted and a bit disappointed that neither my sister nor parents have offered one bit to help. Granted, the offer of help was mentioned in passing. Something along the lines of “oh we will help you with you the pathfinder (SUV) to move all the boxes.” But then my aunt’s funeral came around and I was put on the back burner, as is the normal process of my life.

Now, please don’t get me wrong. I am in no way blaming the funeral of my aunt. That was a hard loss for all of us. What I am saying is that this is always how it happens. I’m next in line to get SOME kind of attention from anyone in my family or anyone in general, then something else, of higher importance takes over. Whether it be a funeral, wedding or just my sister demanding for me to help her hook up with someone she had a huge crush on 8 years ago, through Facebook. Oh I helped her do that but never, in the process of helping her, did she offer to help me.

This is just the way my life has gone. I have never felt important to anyone. Not even my own mother. Everytime I call her, some random person in her family or something is pulling her attention away from the few moments I get. This could be selfish thinking on my part, I know. But it just seems that something is always more important that me in regards to the people who are supposed to love me.

a-divider

imagesCA6XTF4FThis may be why Eeyore is the 1st on a list of 4 of my favorite Disney characters. I can relate to Eeyore and the plight that he goes through. Eeyore is known for walking around with a dark, rainy cloud constantly following him and raining on him. He lives in his Gloomy Place in the Hundred Acre Wood.

He builds his house of sticks which gets knocked down by Winnie the Pooh  and Piglet because they thought his house was just a plain old pile of sticks (Metaphor: His belongings are not deemed important). Of course Pooh and Piglet re-built Eeyore’s Stick house. How nice of them.

I’ve connected with this character for as long as I can remember. My pin trading obsession started with a little Eeyore glittery pin. Then I decided I wanted every single Eeyore plushie on the planet and tried to achieve that:

Eeyores

Above is a photo of all my Eeyores and that photo is many years old. Granted, the obsession got expensive and I had to put my collection to a halt but it did grow after this photo. Those Eeyores are now in a plastic bag in my closet. I will take them out again some day. I do have my favorites still near me though.

I have been made fun of, per say, because of my “gloom” and “why does it always have to happen to me” attitude. I will admit, I have not taken on this attitude in a while as I try very hard, as of late, to remain positive and focused. But each bout of depression gets harder and harder to climb out of. The hole it resides in gets deeper and deeper and I find I’m clawing my way just to reach the light at the surface, only to be punched down again by some unseen circumstance or the utter feeling of loneliness.

I’m exhausted and tired. I’ve read of people being hospitalized because of actual physical exhaustion, but it is my heart that might get me hospitalized because my heart, is so tired. I don’t mean heart attack type tired. I just feel like its dormant, stagnant. Just there to keep me alive.

However, I definantly can’t be lying in a hospital. I have a kid to take care of.  I have to go to work or The Boy starves because I am the only bread-winner in our little family. I have to get up and keep the house or The Boy lives in squalor because there is no one else around to clean up for him. That kind of pressure is enough to make one collapse with guilt.

So just like Eeyore, I am still here. However, above me is the dark, gloomy and rainy cloud which constantly rains down its sorrows. I never see the sunshine. I don’t know the love of anyone special. I am alone and can only show The Boy how to NOT end up, as an Eeyore.

Hello darkness….my old friend…

Sadness, grief, regret.

So much regret.

I just found an old boyfriend on Facebook, someone I had been looking for, for a while. He is married, JUST married and now that ONE decision I made almost 13 years ago hit me so hard I burst into tears. Tears so hard that they stung my eyes. I’ve cried so much no more is coming out.

As I mentioned before, I am divorced, 9 years ago. The man I married, then divorced was one of two men I could have chosen.  He never loved me, he said that himself. He never even wanted to get married.

Needless to say I did not choose wisely.

Who was the other man you might ask?

Well the one I found FB just moments ago, married, smiling happily with his wife in their little profile photo.

Me? I’m all alone…not one friend. So fat and ugly that no one would care a snit about me.

This is the moment when I say fuck my life.

There is a moment, a split second when you realize everything won’t be ok. The “God has a plan” really seems like a bald face lie told by people who just don’t want to hear you whining anymore. Oh really? Then God’s plan is to ensure that I live the next 40+ years in the utter darkness of Lonelyville? Really? Then He can take me now…I’ll pass on that life.

There is no “plan” for the future. Just loneliness. A long dark road heading straight to loneliness.

April Fools! This isn’t your life!

This Easter was slightly blanketed with sorrow because of the tragic death of my aunt. The funeral was as any other. Loved ones spoke, wonderful photos were displayed on a PowerPoint screen. I saw many people from my past.

But it just leaves a numbness inside, I’m actually stuck. Yesterday, we had family all over at my sister’s condo. There we sat down with food and shared in the grief we felt at the recent loss we had. I listened, and did not participate.

I listened to my mother speak with her sisters on how we have to let my cousin grieve how she feels at losing her mother. My mother said we just have to comfort her. I listened and inside, I laughed.

Why the heck would I laugh as we were all trying to figure out how to comfort my cousin as she was falling into a hard depression since this happened? I laughed inside because, my mother was lying. She would not comfort her and tell her its ok to cry or that its ok to cry in front of your daughters and its ok for them to see that you are human and need to grieve.

Neither she nor my sister would say that. They would say NEVER show your children any emotion because you are supposed to be a rock hold especially as a mother and never feel any sadness or show emotion at all. They would say, get up and do what you need to do, don’t lay in bed covered in sheets of your own sorrow. They would say there is never time for depression and pills are a cop out.

Lies….just for show. Hence, I did not participate. I left with the excuses that the next day the boy started school after two weeks off for Spring Break and I had to get up for work. (I reality, the season finale of The Walking Dead and Season 3 premiere of Game of Thrones was about to start….needed to get home).

But don’t get me wrong. In essence, I’m so sorry that this tragic thing happened and now my aunt is gone, my cousins lost their mother and my mother and other aunts loss their sister. Her husband, who she had just re-married a few months ago, lost a wife. Just loss all around, which is never happy times. I was never really to close to her or my cousins but regardless; it is still a great loss.

On the way home, the boy demanded ice cream from Coldstone’s. Of course, he threw in my face that I HAD promised to get him this ice cream. Even though the premise of that promise was to get him to settle down and behave. Possibly bad parenting, I know, but there are some points when I throw “good” parenting aside and toss the kid the candy! Sue me!

Now I stare at my half frozen meal replacement shake. It is frozen because my mother suggested if I freeze it, it will be defrosted by lunch time…nope. When will I learn? So my meal replacement will be replaced by an actual meal, due to the bad timing of its frozen state.

I go back again to my neck and head which both feel like they are made of iron. The reason for this could be because I woke up extremely tired, even though I went to sleep at the normal time I always do. It could be because the alarm woke me up from a dream of someone actually loving me and wanting to be with me…but then I get jerked into the reality that it was only a dream and there is no love of my life, ever.

I wished I could say this whole entry was a April Fool’s but it isn’t. I wished I did wake up and it was “HAHA! Just joking! you do have a fantastic husband and a 3 bedroom house with a yard, instead of a 2 bedroom hole that you pay close $1250 a month for! And because of that fantastic husband, you get to stay home with your children and miss nothing of their growing process….”

This…is my life. Possibly a year round, lifelong April Fool’s Joke.

Sometimes, I go back in time

Sometimes, I go back in time with my thoughts.

When I was younger, I adored The Cranberries. (This reminds me I must get their newest album). I worshiped them from about 17 years old. Their lead singer, Dolores O’Riordan, had a booming strong voice. The album cover pictured above was the first album of theirs I ever owned and had Linger on it. That song made me realize…I could sing. I idolized this little woman’s voice and her energy on stage.

I still listen and sing to The Cranberries CD’s in my car. Then the thoughts and memories run rampant.

My best friend, Michelle,  bravely battled cancer for 10 years, from age 19 until she lost her battle to it, at age 29.

Yes, 29.

I was there the moment she passed and it was, truly a miraculous experience to see the soul actually leave someone’s body and the body become just an empty shell. That is the only way that I can explain it.

She shared my love for The Cranberries. I went to their concert when I was 24 in Los Angeles and she was supposed to go with me, but she was already full into her cancer and constantly was sick from the medications so at the last minute, she couldn’t go. I ended up going with my husband at the time.

I love singing to The Cranberries in my car. I love remembering the posters I had of them in concert above my bed in my dorm room when I was in college that showed how vibrant and how much fun Dolores was on stage. I remember how young I was when I adored them. How much I wanted to be in a band and just sing my heart out while three handsome men played behind me.

I do not like how, sometimes listening to those songs, makes me miss my best friend so damn much. She would have gone on adventures with me to this day if her body had allowed her. She was always so adventuresome. And we shared our forever adoration and love for The Cranberries.

My favorite songs, to date, from The Cranberries were Zombie and Ridiculous Thoughts (posted below) featuring a very young Elijah Wood, pre-Frodo days.

Sometimes, I go back in time and I miss my youth. I miss the people I knew in my youth for I will never see some of those people again and it is with regret and sadness that I look back.

I will forever love The Cranberries though.

Each moment brings me closer out of this nightmare…

The stress level went from about a 6 to a 10 somewhere between 7am and 10am.

I’m already unnerved about the boy being on a Whale Watching field trip with his school. I’m sorry, but thinking of my crazy “bounce off the walls, LITERALLY” son on a boat in the middle of the ocean…does not sit well with me.

But no phones calls of disaster and it’s 2:30 in the afternoon so I think I can relax a bit.

The other stress maker was this move from one unit in my apartment complex to another. The hoops I’m having to jump through! *sigh* But its necessary I guess. Anyway, it just means I’m this much closer to getting settled into the new unit and this 2 month nightmare will be over! I still have to cancel all my utilities and set up the new ones. And by the Grace of God I was allowed to have the first month’s rent waived for the new unit since I’m a transfer and not coming in off the street. So the money stress part of it should be okay.

But ugh…. the fact that my life is all in boxes all around my house. And the cleaning!  I’m going to try and get that done within the next week or so to. I mean, I don’t keep a messy house at all but I will be cleaning top to bottom to get as much of my original deposit as I can. However, I doubt it since the carpet is a lost cause.  The boy spilled one to many glasses of orange juice.

But in all reality, I do love the apartment community I’m living in.  I think that is why I decided to stay and transfer to another fresh clean unit than just move out of the community entirely. The leasing office is super nice in answering all my questions and its rare you get customer service worth a till in anything lately. Kudos for them 🙂

I think my main stress is the moving part. Granted, I’m only moving literally feet from one unit to the other but its getting it all in boxes, getting beds disasembled and getting it settled into the new place. Oh and the cleaning. All of this, being done all by myself.

No I take that back. I can’t move my china hutch and dining room table by myself (I sold the sofa and will be getting a new one once I move in) so I got my cousins to help me with that in a few weeks. But everything else, I do myself.

But…this to shall pass…and I am glad to be moving into a fresh new unit.

Loneliness

I would like to take a step back and discuss loneliness.

I’m 36, as I think I’ve said before and 20 years ago I never would have imagined I would be as lonely in my current life as I am now. I mean, I know I have the boy and he’s great. But I have no friends.

And by NO friends I mean NOT ONE SINGLE friend. I mean, I have people online I talk to but they aren’t friends you call up and say “hey come over for dinner and lets play cards” or something like that.

I have ZERO friends.

It is sad really. And I’m kinda embarrassed to admit this. I don’t know of a single person who has not one friend. Now I did have friends in my past. One in particular, my best friend, the one who would have come over to play cards with me, died in 06 when we were 29 after her 10 year battle with cancer. (Screw that disease).

So the only friend that would have been that one true friend, which is what I was meant to have, died. Next in line was a husband who hated me, hence, was an a-hole to me, hence, the divorce was not far after the wedding. So I wasn’t going to have a husband/best friend there.

Then I became a mother and I just threw myself into being a mother kinda the way one can throw themselves into a bottle of bourbon. To forget.

I was trying to forget the fact that I had not one single friend.

9 years into motherhood and I still am stuck in the reality that I have not one single friend.

This makes me a sad panda and some days increases the depression.

However, on another note, I have noticed that because I’m a “plain jane” (I have trouble with makeup as it burns my eyes, same as contacts) I don’t attract anyone, but more specifically males as they are pretty much all about looks and rarely look past the cover.

*sigh* oh well

Look! There are my Marbles!

Friday is here. Just like any other Friday I guess.

I sip my coffee at my desk, then realize…I waited to long, its cold and into the microwave it goes. That happens a lot.

I have been VERY absent minded lately and I don’t like that because it is way out of my character. I am usually on top of everything going on with me, the boy and my schedule, on my 5 different calendars. (no joke…I have 5 active non-electronic calendars, meaning they are actual paper calendars).

I have an apartment move to make, I have a mini road trip next weekend and Seaworld, I have a birthday party to plan…I have lost my marbles!

Oh wait..there they are….

Moving on…I will be seeing Oz the Great and Powerful this evening.

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The boy really wants to see this and that is not like him. Last movie we saw in the theatres was Avengers and he barely made it through that one. He can’t really sit still for that long in a theatre. Although, we did watch Wreck it Ralph at the drive-in. That was a bit better for him. If he wasn’t traumatized by my car battery dying and him thinking that we were stuck at the drive-in for all of the rest of our living days.

Yeah, the boy is a Drama King

…..you can blame my genes for that.

So our servers are all down at my office today and I’m stuck…well doing nothing. Literally, I can do nothing but my box of shredding which is done. All my work is done on the computer and if the servers are down, all files and drives are inaccessible. Hence, I do nothing.

So I’m on my phone looking at my FB when I see a link to this: Best Marriage Proposal ever!

Seriously, how does someone love someone SO much to do something like THIS! I’m definitely not knocking it. I just find it hard to believe that this kind of gallantry exists. I know the one man I did get to marry me never loved me. And I never ventured out after that because that whole disaster just tore my heart and the hopes of ever finding any male to love me flew right out the window.  I gave up on that a long time ago.  Hence, I’ve lived a lonely non-relationship life for the past 10 years and counting.

But one thing I CAN do is teach the boy that, if you love someone THAT much and it feels right in your gut…you will want to do the video above. I know that I did not have any good gut feelings when I got married, and they were correct because my gut knew that man didn’t love me. All I had was hope that my gut was wrong..but really when are the gut feelings EVER wrong.

So learn that my boy! Trust the gut! Oh and keep the gut small because apparently humans are VERY visual and can see nothing past the cover of the book. Another reason why, I have been non-relationship for the past 10 years and probably will for the next…oh rest of my life.

Plain Jane’s get left in the dust….

Come….follow me down the rabbit hole…

So I am gathering a following….tell me my friends…do you pick blue or red?

Blue or Red?

Red? Ok…here we go…

I’m a single mother, 36, so everything you see posted here, the hockey games, skating, Universal Studios visits, Disneyland visits, I do all by myself with the boy.

The boy is my son, he is 9.

I work Monday – Friday 8-5 at an office.

I do not have a husband as the last one I had and divorced 9 years ago not only confessed he never loved me (why did he marry me then?) but has never wanted to see his son. He hasn’t seen him since he was 1 year old….no Christmas cards, no birthday cards…do not pass go….do not collect $200. The father of my child can rot in hell for all I care.

BUT I love my child and that is the only thing that I thank his father for…nothing else.

Sometime, I just want to sit in front of my computer playing World of Warcraft and eating pizza….I do the former…the latter…I must stop because I’m trying to lose weight.

Any other questions just ask!

When I realized…I don’t

So I saw this from my FaceBook feed today

GI Joe Movie/Real Heroes

And people can send in their pictures of their own real heroes. Great photos, some have their parents or someone in the military.

Then I thought, I have not ONE hero, well that is human and personal to me, like a parent or sibling or something. I guess I have God but no one human or in my life.

This thought made me sad. I really look up to no one in my life nor hold anyone in high esteem.

Sheesh, I hope my son gets a hero in his life because realizing I don’t have one was depressing.

Happy Friday!

Epiphany time…

It hit me ….what i’m feeling. Its the feeling of not having ANYTHING to look forward to. I guess that would be in the same boat as Hopelessness.

I have no friends, I’m the biggest I’ve ever been in my life and I just go to work, pick up the boy, go home, go to bed, and repeat.

Its pathetic. My life could have been SO much more different, if I just made ONE…just ONE choice different.

Hello, Loneliness…please have a seat

Sometimes, Lonely and his friends Sadness and Pain come to join me. I try to close my door to them but they shove their way in like theives in the night.

I find it so amusing that when I think back of myself at aged 24, Bride at a wedding, in a marriage that I knew would end of divorce…I don’t know who that woman was!

So I feel I should welcome my new friends. I mean, I did kind of bade them to come in…if I had made better choices. They would find someone else to bother.

But my Pastor says one is never lonely with Jesus by their side. I welcome Jesus to. He may be better company, in fact I know that He is better company.

Will always be alone

I just recently had the epiphany that I will never ever find love. I believe a person like me either doesn’t deserve it or just can’t have it.

It was a terrible thing to realize when it did finally hit me…so terrible that if I had a gun in my hand..the despressional state this realization put me in would have sent me over the edge and I wouldn’t have been typing this.

I’m still getting over realizing it.

oh there you are, sanity!

Today, I got up from crying and walking 2 hours on the streets from devastation and came back to this place where I’m supposed to finish my 2 weeks. Then be thrown back out into the world of searching for a job.

I came in and did not but send out my resume and look for a job. I don’t understand why they want me for two weeks just so I can sit here and use their internet but oh well.

I have a few routes that look a little better than my last bout with being jobless. But still it is enough to make me be done with it all.