Seeing the future….it looks sad.

I’m coming to realize that my mother, has some SERIOUS mental issues.  Not schizophrenic or hearing voices.  She has some serious, beyond normal separation anxiety issues.  I have believed for years that she has Borderline Personality Disorder.

The most recent occurrence comes to mind. My son is 13, and will be going to a summer camp where I will be dropping him off in the morning and picking him up in the afternoon after work.  She will no long be doing that task which is what she’s been doing since about mid-March, dropped him off at school and picked him up from school.

I swear, the way she reacts to this, one would think that my son DIED.  She gets really upset when she realizes that we don’t need her all the time anymore.  Like I mentioned above, severe separation anxiety issues. When she a gets in this mode, she begins to throw around fals accusations.  She actually accused my son of saying he no longer wanted to be around him or my ailing father. I was shocked and was like “WHAT?” Turns out, when I actually got away from texting her (because through a text is the easiest way for her to lie and it’s her #1 source of communication when she doesn’t want me to force her to see the truth) and dialed her on the phone to get this info….surprise….surprise, the back peddling begins. No, he never said that.  That is just the way she feels.  That was a heavy accusation but I can expect nothing less from someone who is emotional unstable.  I never know what I’m walking into when I go to see her.

But I know that the looming gloom of the future days for her has got to be overwhelming.  Her “Golden Years” will not be filled with RV trips and 20 grand kids playing swings in her back yard.  Her days are going to be filled with loneliness and pain.  They will be filled with taking care of someone who used to be her soulmate and still is but no longer has the mind to communicate.

The pity I feel is for her, realizing this is her life, is what helps me get through her unstable moods and horrible words….for instance……

…..nothing like being told that I’m just WAITING for her and my beloved Dementia riddled father to die so I can live in their house and get an inheritance.  That one will never cease to sting, each time I think of it….

And that was just the most recent.  Being her daughter has meant a lifetime of put downs, and insults. As of now, little things are said daily, to me, about me, about my son.  How I’m failing in everything.  Over the years, those I really have learned to shake off, get up, say my goodbyes and state that we will try again another day.  But it never changes.  She just continues to spit out her venon in the form of insults, whether they are true or far fetched.

And never an apology….but OH God forbid my sister or I say anything remotely unkind to her…all hell breaks loose and she’s the properly placed victim.

But that is what makes me sad the most.  She has turned into someone that I only tolerate because she gave me life. Other than that, I offer no more of myself.  I just can’t get past her abrasive, cold attitude.  She doesn’t appreciate what my sister and I have done for her, helped her.  She is just wrapped up in her own world where it’s all about her, all the time. Anything else happens that doesn’t involve her (i.e. I take a small car trip with my son without her…..I get the “guilt trip, I’m stuck here alone with your father” act).

I wonder….I wonder if some day I can look at her and actually tell her how HARD she made it to even slightly love her.

But what I wonder most….is would she even care.

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Hello! And how are you? How was your weekend?

“Hello! And how are you? How was your weekend?”

Ah, to be a human out in the world of other humans.  How many times have we been asked this question and in response, smiled and said something along the lines of “I’m doing great and my weekend was fantastic!”?

In reality, you are in physical pain constantly because your lower back feels like it’s barely being held together by string, you deal with migraines just about every week, the fat keeps piling on no matter how much you move or how much you don’t eat and it weighs you down and you have an emotionally draining mother who demands attention whenever you are with her and her “it’s all about MY problems” look on life in tie with an ailing father who doesn’t communicate or interact at all.  This piled up on top of your own worries of trying to keep a household on a pay that doesn’t fit the economy (thanks to moving to a state that is 50 years behind the USA cost of living) and trying to keep a stable relationship with a 13 year old son who is starting to just want to have nothing to do with you…but sure wants your money. greatthanks
I guess that would be a lot longer to say in response to a short inpersonal question.  Oh and I’m pretty sure that the person asking, really doesn’t genuinely care how you are REALLY doing.

The truth is, some people are WAY to perky and LAUGH way to much.  I want to turn to them and say,

Look! Not all of us have a hard working spouse, two incomes and wonderful little perfect children.  Some people, and by some people I mean ME, have to sometimes choose between food and gas just to stay afloat. So constantly ranting about your all of the above to me, pretty much makes me want to punch a baby. Knock it off…I don’t care!

But that would be mean and un-sociable.

So I smile and nod and say the socially accepted phrases such as “oh isn’t that great” or “oh so cute

But really…..

 

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In the Zombie Apocolypse, there is no money…

Rose Smith: Money. I hate, loathe, despise and abominate money.

Mr. Alonzo Smith: You also spend it.

Meet Me In St. Louis, 1944

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That about sums it up for me.  I really hate money, yet I need to spend it.  I can NOT seem to get on top of my finances.  It seems like everywhere I turn money is slipping through my fingers.  And you would think, “Oh she’s spending it on herself getting her hair and nails done…”…NOPE!

Per month, roughly….I spend:

A couple hundred on Hockey lessons, for The Boy

Another couple hundred on hockey gear, for The Boy

A couple hundred for before and after school care so I can work to pay for the before and after school care.

A couple more hundred on school PTA because he HAD to have the Knotts Tickets that come with the payment, among other things. (but that was actually only this month)

A couple more hundred on food which The Boy consumes within days forcing me to spend another couple hundred only days later.

A couple more hundred on shoes and accessories that The Boy MUST have (like $60 Adidas shoes).

Do you see the pattern?

Oh and then somewhere in there I pay $1200 rent on the 755 square foot cracker box I live in, utilities (Fuck You Verizon FIOS and Verizon Wireless and your over priced crap service), and a car payment on a piece of crap VW, which is also over priced.

Lastly, I buy my cat the cheapest cat food I can find. Friskies, seems to be the winner lately.

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What’s left for me? A trip to the Goodwill for some used $3 tops so I don’t go to work naked or I take charity from my sister’s closet of clothes she no longer wears.  I’ve given up on trying to eat any kind of solid food that isn’t snacks or left over food from big-wig lunch meetings that I can beg scraps for.  Hence my current and probably on-going weight loss and stomach ulcers.  Also, hair that desperately needs to be trimmed yet, grows past my waist, because I can’t cut it myself and can’t afford to go to a salon.  So I let it just grow.  Just call me friggin Rapunzel!

iceAnd this is just the tip of the iceberg on my money issues.  There are odds and ends that I am always digging into my pockets for that just drive the knife deeper.  The kicker is, I do get child support, I have a pretty good paying job…you would think the problem is my budgeting….

Nope, it’s that I live in the worst state in this union when it comes to finances, over priced housing, taxes etc.  I hate it here and want to move so desperately.

So yeah, I hate loathe and despise money, but even though I don’t want to, I spend it. OR rather my 10 year old kid spends it.

He will be getting a job as soon as he is of legal age. That is for damned sure!

The Nothing….is winning

This will not be a fun happy post.  This will not recap all the wonderful things happening to me lately.  In fact, I would like to cover how my brain is slowly being taken over by The Nothing.

mx_040KeanuReevesFor those who have seen The Matrix, there is a scene, in the first film of that Trilogy, where Neo is hooked up and they are pulling him out of the Matrix and he begins to hallucinate that he is being covered with some sort of silver, metallic goo which slowly starts to cover his whole body

This is a perfect example of how The Nothing is slowly covering my soul.  I try to stay strong, be with God and believe He has a plan for me and my loneliness.  For the most part, I do believe He has a plan.  That plan is for me to be alone, to not have one friend (yes, I have not one single solitary friend) and He also plans for me to never find love.

On a daily basis, I do not enjoy this plan.  In fact, I give this plan the bird, because, even if I made mistakes in my past, I certainly am not deserving of this pain now.

So, let’s discuss pain.  I have found that heart ache, emotional and mental pain is so much worse than any physical pain I could ever feel.

I will now admit something which prompted me to make this blog private

On a daily basis, I have to stay away from sharp objects and garages where a car is left running and I’m sure you ALL understand what I mean.  Some days, I feel like any physical pain is better than this emotional torment that drags me the 7th level of hell.  On a daily basis, I want to just not exist anymore.

But then where would that leave my child?  The Boy who relies on me not being a bitch of a yelling mother to him.  It is enough that he has to occasionally deal with my outburst of mental instability.  Even though those occurrence are VERY few, they do happen.  Just last week, I lost it with him because I had told him, for the 5th time, to make his bed.  Where did I find him? In front of that damned TV.  I lost it.  The result was broken Chima Lego sets and everything on the floor and me yelling “Clean it UP!” before I stormed out of his room and slamming the door.

I did return to apologize, help him and explain WHY I had reached that point.  I’m done hearing myself nag.  However, I still felt he needed an explanation and an apology, something I never received in the almost daily occurrence of my own mother’s bipolar mental outbreaks (but now I understand why as she had 3 kids to deal with and one was not even hers) which usually included a lot more than just broken toys on the floor.  I’d be lucky if I walked away from those without a knot in my head or a bloody nose.  Of course, I had a mouth on me and that didn’t help.  But I digress…

I find it hard, lately, to find any hope in anything, to find any happiness in anything.  I have lost my smile, my laugh and I surely miss them.

I simply exist.  I go to work, pay my bills, feed my child, feed my cat and that is all.  I no longer eat (I do not exaggerate, I would say I get about 900 calories a day simply because food offers no joy anymore, neither in taste or anything) and wouldn’t have any food in the fridge if it weren’t for feeding a constantly hungry boychild.  I don’t sleep anymore, surviving on about 3-4 hours a night.

I’m tired of seeing the wicked of this world win…seeing people in relationships and using and/or abusing their significant others while I live a life of lonliness.  A life completely void of any human touch or affection.

It is this void that feeds The Nothing.  That void, which should be filled with love of another, is just a void and The Nothing ravishes this void with vigor.  It consumes me and makes me feel soul-less.

It will probably pass.  I will continue to go to work, feed my kid, do my exercise, pet my cat but I am a shell of a person just robotically swaying through the motions.

Inside, there just feels like nothing…

But hey, I did get a $25 AMC card for dressing up at work on Halloween. I get to see Thor this weekend…that is IF The Boy doesn’t complain because he doesn’t want to see it.

“Oh, I thought I mentioned her…”

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Yes, yes it is….

The guy has a girlfriend.

He said it yesterday afternoon while we were in the parking lot to pick up the kids.  I had just invited him and his kids to dinner at Hometown Buffet stating I planned to be there just after picking up The Boy.

In regards to my invitation, which, by the way, was strictly to HIM and his 2 kids, as my text to him said “Would YOU and the kids like to join The Boy and I for dinner at Hometown Buffet?”………He responds with “S. isn’t around until 6:45“.

Who the fuck is S.??” is instantly what I THINK.  However, being that I can’t react that way and must stay cool, calm and collected, I ask, “Who is S.?

He says, “S. is my girlfriend. I thought I mentioned I had a girlfriend“.

Uh, NO motherfucker! You never mentioned a girlfriend!  What you DID mention was that you had an EX-girlfriend.  WTF!!!!!”, is what I THOUGHT, however, keeping in that cool, calm and collected mode, what I say is “Oh, okay“.  Apparently, S. is not the ex-girlfriend I remember him mentioning.

Little does he know, his number lasted no longer than 2 days in my phone and all interaction, even the parking lot meetings at the kid’s after care, will soon cease and desist.

MjAxMy1lNDNjZmUyYmEzNjFhZGZl_52322339627d7_rcI’m actually surprised at my initial reaction to this, even after having some time to let it sink in.  My heart didn’t sink to my stomach as it normally would have in the past.  I waited for that sinking feeling, it never came.  I actually laughed inside.  I laughed inside because he thought he could actually play this game with me.  He thought he could request my number, answer my “get to know you” questions and even ask some of his own and then just randomly say, “oh yeah, I have a girlfriend but HEY we can totally keep flirting with each other and get together with the kids and please keep inviting me places….I LOVE having my cake and eating it to!”

And please don’t anyone try and tell me he didn’t know what he was doing or he didn’t know I was interested….he knew, believe me, he knew.  I don’t really care whether he was being innocent, naive or just plain stupid.  He knew EXACTLY the game he was playing.  And the only reason the girlfriend probably even came up again was because she was probably due to be there pretty soon.  Can’t cover up someone who is standing right there!

He claims that this girlfriend information has come out in one of our conversations.  I would have remembered that because I would not have pursued him any further nor offered him the Motocross tickets.  Backed into a corner much there, Buddy?

So, I laid it out for him because I’m not one to tip toe around the fucking elephant in the room.

I said “Look, I don’t want to step on toes. If you have a girlfriend, I don’t want to make you, nor her, uncomfortable by inviting you places.”  This statement was actually totally true.  I, personally, don’t think that a man who is in a committed relationship should, in ANY way, be accepting event tickets from other women AND going with those woman to the event, without his girlfriend.  Call me old fashioned but I have no respect for that.

He replies, “She understands that I mostly have women friends. I have to flirt a lot in Renaissance Faire booth to sell my stuff.”  Yeah, if your girlfriend accepts this behavior of yours, as you claim, I wonder about her own respect for herself.

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Yeah buddy, you aren’t helping your cause much here. You may need a bigger shovel to continue digging your own grave there.

At that point, I just wanted to run in disgust.  He was one of THOSE men.  Blegh….

I excused myself with some excuse about needing to go eat and being hungry and said my goodbyes.  I turned to get in my car and a face looked at me that made this all sink in suddenly.

I saw my boy, sitting in the car, waiting.  He had been behind me and encouraging me about all this for the last few weeks.  He liked this guy but I think it’s only because he was just that, another guy.  He was disappointed and that is when I started to hurt, but hurt for my boy.

However, The Boy and I moved on.  We had a great dinner together and even had a few laughs over this whole debacle and I still waited for the sad, depression, feelings followed by hours of blubbering, about all this, to hit.  They never did.

Instead, after dinner, I went down to the gym and I pummeled the treadmill.  I ran like it meant each step would stomp his head in.  I talked with God, thanking Him for keeping me on my toes.  Ha ha, great test run, God.  Let’s move on now?

I didn’t cry, I didn’t even want to.  I just wanted to run and listen to my music….and run.  The only thing crying for me was my fat, because……..

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After my workout, I said to The Boy that it was time to get our Halloween lights up.  That is exactly what we did and they turned out pretty good!  This is the first year we are in an upstairs unit so the railing on the balcony is going to be put to good use.

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Halloween is here! (actual photo of my balcony)

And there you have it.  It was the saga of the man who thinks he can have his cake and flirt with it to.

Unbelievable, which is something I kept saying all throughout my Hometown Buffet dinner.  So much so, that The Boy and I started to make a joke out of it.  But as it states above, I’m not just a little piece of cake…I’m the whole damned buffet AND dessert line, Bitch!  And there is NO way I’m giving HIM a referral to my apartment complex….he had the actual nerve to ask for one.  Good Lord……

So yeah, thanks God, for showing me what I’m missing.  Now, moving on!
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Life is like being on a sailboat in a rough sea storm…

Good LORD this week should be labeled Bipolar Week.  My emotions are just ALL over the place.

Tuesday, was the parent/teacher conference where I was told my kid was basically failing everything and couldn’t focus.  I left the conference in tears.  I walked to the car and bawled.  I then had to compose myself and go to work.

red-eyes-blink-monsterI found out yesterday, from my older sister who has 2 kids, another parent from The Boy’s class and my co-worker that all their kids, did or are going through the same thing.  I guess kids just have no self control and no focus (naw…ya think?).  I shouldn’t be surprised really but still, that little red-eyed Monster creeps up behind me whispering the devilish words like “you are failing your child” and “you are a big failure at EVERYTHING you do…”.  I hate that Monster.

Tuesday night brought about a yelling match with my oh so stubborn 9 year old.  Ok, now, I KNOW he gets the stubbornness and the need to argue with everything from me but I really don’t believe, at his age, I was as outright mouthy as he is.  It’s not disrespect, as far as the content of what comes out of his mouth.  He just HAS to have the last word.  He just HAS to argue everything.

Sometimes I want to run out of the apartment, screaming…..

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But I can’t and I have to sit there, stare at him and resist the urge to beat him senseless.  Of course, I would never beat him….ever.  But Lord Almighty God in Heaven…that boy really wants to see if I would be tempted to.

Yesterday was a bit better.  We went to the family night book fair and he enjoys buying new books and I love seeing him read them.  He got an Adventure Time comic book and something about a dinosaur.  I was looking at all the girly stuff, sometimes wishing I had a girl to be all girly with…but then get snapped back into reality when I realize I probably couldn’t handle the dramatics of a girl, but still miss having a girl around.

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The Boy can give me some super Academy Award winning dramatics so I can only IMAGINE what a girl child of mine would give me!  Makes me shudder.  I know I suppress my Drama Queen genetics just as much as I suppress and fight my obesity genetics.  I most certainly got my fair share from the shallow end of the gene pool.  So The Boy…he is all me.  Honestly, I would rather The Boy have MY drama genetics than his father’s asshole genetics.

Anyway, his bearded dragon has been put on hold, indefinitely.  He moaned and groaned about that and I was torn to shreds seeing him hurt and crying (I really need to literally grow a pair of man balls to deal with this kid sometimes) but it had to be put on hold.  I could not fathom rewarding failing grades and disruptive behavior in class with a new pet.  I try not to be a pushover, and for the most part, I’m not, but to see him crying breaks my heart and then I find myself all up in tears and needing to just lie on my bed, in fetal position, crying buckets.

Oh and I yelled a lot.  He knows that when I reach the point of yelling…my patience is at it’s end and he should go run for the hills.  Although I don’t know why.  I still will never lay a hand on him.

Praying woman hands

So Dear Lord, I’m so done being a single mother now.  Can I please hand the reigns over to a man to help me with this boy of mine.  You didn’t give me a penis nor testosterone so can you send some of that over my way (in the form of a human, of course).

K Thanks bye!

You know when there is that person…you just don’t like

Everyone has been through it.  You meet a person and for some reason, you just don’t like them!  I have that situation except I do know why I don’t like her, but it isn’t really her fault.  We got a new paralegal and apparently because I don’t have a big bad paralegal degree, I get kicked out of my office and she gets the big office while I get shoved into the small cubicle in the hallway.  The way of the corporate world I guess.

Then get a degree? Well, I do have my two year AA and AS.  I wished I had a husband to back me up so I can be off work for two years and still have income pouring in while said husband works.  That is the story of my other co-worker, the Jr. Paralegal.  Well, good for her, because if I went that route, I would be homeless and begging on the streets with my kid because I have no “back up” income to speak of.  It is enough that I haven’t eaten in about a week (and that is no joke…I’ve been living off hard boiled eggs and water, I feed my kid and even the cat first before me, always).

Her first day was today and I’m being as cordial as I can possibly be.  I mean, it really wasn’t HER fault that I don’t have a paralegal degree (I don’t even want one) and was pushed out of my big corner office with a door and a window.

Still, I have this inner biatch feeling to just ignore her, completely.  I don’t really work with her directly but I still am in the same department.

*sigh* I don’t like feeling this mean because I’m not normally this mean but I just do NOT like the situation and even if I sound like a whining 10 year old…I don’t care.  They treated me pretty bad by just shoving me out of an office after over a year in it with no warning nor telling me it was temporary, which apparently it was because I am not a big bad Paralegal.  But, as has been the situation for years now, employers can do basically whatever they want to employees, just short of something illegal, because of the job shortages.  I certainly can’t find a job anywhere else so I just smile and nod at whatever is thrown at me.

Still, for the most part, it’s a good employer with great benefits so I really should just stop complaining and whining like a 10 year old.  Right?

But…if the occassion did ever call for moving on in life…I would defintately say it…in cake…

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I tried….I really did.

I want to have a decent relationship with my sister.  I try to spend time with her and share moments.

This post isn’t about how my sister ruined my last attempt, but, once again, how our mother ruins everything.

I’m at the end of my rope now.

camel2 I have always wanted to keep a relationship going with my mother.  After all, she is my mother and birthed me and if anything keep a relationship going for my kid’s sake because she is still decent with him and he hasn’t seen how she can really be yet.  However,  the last straw has been dropped on the camel and the camel’s back, is broken.

Since, writing the above, not only was the final straw dropped on the camel, but while the camel was down, another was pummelled at him.

First, I tried to make it a day with my sister and I at Disney (California Adventure) this past Friday.  I paid for her $92 ticket to just get into DCA and I wanted her to see the Mad T Party band and take a picture with the White Rabbit DJ as the White Rabbit is her favorite character.

Proof that at least we had a decent few drama free hours:

DCA

Photo is small and grainy because I got it from the Disneyphotopass.com site. They are always super small.

The mistake I made was giving The Boy to my parents for the day.  I only did it because I really didn’t want to hear his whining on how we weren’t doing things he wanted to happen, but now that I think back, he really isn’t that way.

I should have just brought him with us.

Around 5pm (we had arrived at 12:30 and I paid a full day $92 ticket for my sister to get in), I get a text from our mother saying my father is in the ER with possible Kidney pains.  My phone gets no signal in ride lines which tend to go into buildings and under ground. But basically, she was wanting us to cut it short and leave.

Uh..I paid 92 fucking dollars to get my sister into the park, only to stay there for about 4 hours and not even see the show she wanted to?  But beyond that…our mother can’t even allow us to have one afternoon together, as sisters.  Believe me, she could have handled our father on her own.  What she didn’t want was my kid.

I ignored my mother’s text, as did my sister.  Cruel? Maybe but we both knew, without speaking a word to each other, this was our mother’s drama at it’s best.

An hour passes, I get a text that she called her sister to pick up The Boy and my aunt was more than happy to do it.  Well look at that, she actually figured it out.  The Boy and my aunt were fine with this situation and my mother was just being a drama queen yet again.

We leave around 9:30 to go pick up The Boy from my Aunt’s house, I’m driving and this is when I get bamboozled.

I believe it happened like this,  in bullet points because I really don’t know how it happened.

  • I’m driving, my sister calls our mother to inform her we are on our way to pick up The Boy and she keeps asking my sister where we are, what exit on the freeway and when we left.  What’s it to her! She needs to take care of our father and stop controlling everything.
  • Our mother insists that they are done (BTW, my father did end up with a Kidney stone and all my mother could care about was pestering us for the next 3 hours)
  • My sister, in her oh so “I don’t put up with this shit” way, tells our mother that she needs to slow her damn roll, get OUR FATHER his medications and get him home because he needed rest. (selfish much dear mother?)
  • Our mother then starts talking to me, I’m driving and on speaker phone. She asks what I’m doing tomorrow and I try to vaguely say I’m going clothes shopping for The Boy the next day.  Before I knew it, she invited herself and then that was that.
  • I was livid because I paid for this day with my sister, I had it cut short and interrupted and couldn’t enjoy the last few hours and now this woman is INVITING herself clothes shopping and I know why…because she wants to control what clothes I buy for the Boy. Oh yes she does.
  • Boy gets picked and once again, we are asked why we didn’t call her to tell her we had picked him up.  Because the last time I checked my sister and I WEREN’T FUCKING 15 YEARS OLD!

(it kinda makes me laugh but the day before, my sister and I took The Boy to Universal Studios. When my mother found out, first thing she said was “why didn’t you let us know and why did you bring your father and I”?

WTF?!  First, I’m 36 and don’t need mommy and daddy’s permission to go to an amusement park and 2nd, you guys are not necessarily people I want at someplace like Universal Studios.  My dad tends to get lost and forget where he’s at and my mother just sulks and complains about her knee.  Wet blankets….

But apparently, I’m supposed to let her know when I go anywhere.  Bull.shit)

It must always be about her and how she can control everyone

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Jesus H. Christ……..give me strength….

More bullet points for the next day and the results of me not standing up to that woman:

The next day I prepare myself mentally but I still don’t know how I allowed this to happen. I have a guess though

  • We both go to Kohl’s ready to get a few new things for The Boy.  I have budgeted only maybe 2 new shirts and a pair of shorts. In all honesty, his current clothes are fine, I just wanted to get him something new to wear to school for the first few days.
  • Somewhere between me going to the clearance rack for shirts and the cash register, my mother shows my kid the way to expensive Tony Hawk stuff that I did not budget (about $22 a shirt) and the Vans shorts sections (about $30 a pair).
  • At the end of it all, because she did that and made me look like the meanie mom in public and in front of The Boy when I said I didn’t budget for this many $22 shirts, I was out way over $100.

Fast forward to yesterday…..rent is due…and guess what? I don’t have it.  I call the rental company (actual the company that I work for) and am told that, per their policy, if I don’t have the rent by the 8th, I get a lawyer and sheriff’s knocking on my door and I get evicted.

That was when I had the epiphany.

Epiphany

This is what my mother WANTS!  As I think about it, this theory is manipulation at it’s very best.  She WANTS me to be so broke that I can’t pay my rent and have to be between homelessness and begging her for money or to come back and live with her.  She gets this from her sister, the one up in Washington, who can’t get her act together long enough to not be asking my mother for money all the damned time.

I will not go down this easily.  I’ve fought TO hard and TO long to have to give her ANY satisfaction of a win.

What did I do?  I sat my kid down and explained that his grandmother had NO right to go over my head with the shopping.  I explain that some of his shirts have to be taken back so I can get the money back into my account to pay rent.  He was good with that.  Believe me, even The Boy understands how manipulative his grandmother is.

I know what she was trying to do with the shopping thing.  I’m more mad at myself for allowing myself to be manipulated, once again.  She was just trying to out play me and, because I know her, she was trying to get me into the situation that I was currently in so that she could control me better, especially if I needed money.

That woman’s ultimate goal is to get my sister and I practically homeless so that we come crawling back to her needing a place to stay.

I would slit my wrists before I ever give her that satisfaction.

After I relaxed a bit yesterday, when my apartment was dark and quiet, I thought about what I need to do about this.

I know I’ve said it before but now I’m going to say it again.  To prevent the above from happening, I just can NOT have a relationship with her.  I.just.can’t.  And by I can’t I simply mean “I WON’T!”  I really just don’t have the energy and the patience to constantly be on guard around her because she uses mind tricks like a Jedi to manipulate situations.  This last time, she used my son by making sure she dangled the more expensive items in front of him, knowing that would make it harder for me to deal with and knowing that I was on a budget.

The woman takes on the burden of so many of her ungrateful family, her sisters, her cousins, even her dead (and the most horrible man who ever walked the planet) father still makes an appearance.  Not in the ghost sense but in the now she has to take into her home her elderly step mother as well as take care of her memory loss husband.

The small part of me that still feels sympathy for her is disappearing fast.  She takes all this on because she is controlling like that.  But then she complains that she has “so much to deal with”.  When those words are uttered…that is when my sympathy goes out the door.  She can say no to any of these family members or situations, but she doesn’t.

Oh but she will be EXTRA sure to treat myself and my sister like crap with put down after put down and insult after insult.  We are the only TWO people who have backed her up, helped her out and put up with her shit.

I have let her go forever

I do not like being manipulated and I’m FINALLY glad my sister FINALLY sees, after 30 years of knowing her, how our mother manipulates us.  I’ve been saying it for a while and it is the basis of why I really just want that woman to exit my life.

My sister tends to tell her like it is and if she doesn’t like it, my sister really couldn’t care less.  That is good, when dealing with my mother but my sister tends to be that way with me to so I never go to her for emotional support, ever.  She would tell me to grow a pair and quit whining.  However, she deals with our mother better than I.

Now that school has started, there is no reason for me to ever step foot in my mother’s house.  She does not watch The Boy while I work.  And I am making arrangements to never have to go down that road.  For the most part, the only reason I even see my parents, was because I had to drop off and pick up The Boy.

And now, she is taking in her step mother and father’s widow.  For the most part, I like this old woman.  She makes great cuban dishes and I have nothing against her.  However, she is part of a branch of the cult that we came out of and still practices a lot of it’s old ways.  Hence, no Christmas.  Christmas was something we did at my parents house with the tree and gifts and Glory to God songs playing in the backround while we baked Christmas cookies.  I can pretty much garantee that if my step-grandmother lives there, my mother will not be doing any of these things, once again, choosing others over her daughters and our family traditions. Mark my words, Christmas is no longer in that house.

Fine…my sister and I are making plans to head out to Montana to spend Christmas with our older sister.

Do these plans piss off my mother?  Oh you better believe they do and mostly because, our older sister is not her daughter but our father’s.  Yet, because my mother is the controlling factor between my parents and she knows that she controls my ailing father, my father is not going to be allowed to go with us to visit his own daughter (my older sister) and two other grandkids.

You see where the manipulation starts to turn ugly?

So now, my interaction with that woman will be reduced to the occasional text of “yes we are still alive now leave me alone” and whenever she goes to The Boy’s hockey lesson.  And that is all.

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The account….is closed.

I have a little exercise I would like each and every one of you to do, just for me.

I want you to think about someone you love.  Maybe your husband, maybe your parents or your kids.

Now, think about if they died.  Humor me, and do it…

What do you feel?? You feel sadness, hurt, you maybe want to cry?

I feel nothing when I think of my mother no longer on this earth….just nothing.  When God finally decides to take her away from us, I will feel nothing.  I believe, if I were to feel anything it will be a sense of truly and finally being…..free.

Until then, she is now someone who I will go out of my way to avoid at any costs from here until God takes one of us.  She only has herself to blame.

I just can’t fathom…a post of rants (and screw Boost Mobile)

Proceed with caution…I do not tolerate much lately.  I don’t even know if anyone reads my blog anymore.

This is going to be a series of vents about some aspects of people that I’m just REALLY sick and tired of seeing.  On the surface, it may sound judgemental but if you look deeper, there is always an underlying purpose that is more than any alternative motive one may have.

pity partyPeople who whine and have pity parties for one.  I KNOW that life is a bowl of dog poop sometimes.  I deal with it to.  I’m dealing with it right now,  I am negative about $80 in my bank account right now and I’m so hungry but have no money for food.  I deal.

But I just can NOT sympathize with people who wallow in it.  I don’t tolerate “whoa is me” personalities.  The negativity is unattractive.  I understand stuff happens, and you will get my sympathy at first, I’m not heartless.  But if I see a pattern, you are on your own.

complainingPeople who complain about lives that are way better than mine.  In particular, those women who complain about….oh no!….being single for more than a month.  Uh, try going on fucking 10 years biatch!  You know NOTHING about being alone so don’t even try to cry buckets about that.  Find a hobby.

As some of you may have read, my ex-husband and the father of my 9 year old child, left not only me (good riddance) but his son almost 10 years ago.  He has a nice little hot seat reserved for him in hell as he has never cared to send his only son and heir to his name, a holiday card nor does he even remember his son’s birthdate.

I do believe that by him abandoning his son, it pushed me in the opposite direction.  I would be DAMNED before I let anyone take my kid from me.  Even if my ex did stick around, I would NEVER give up ANY rights to not be around my child a good amount of time, if not all the time.

This is for those people who leave their children and claim to have had no choice or have some other stupid reason.  You are the lowest of the low.  I don’t care if you have a gun pointed to your head.  But hey, how about this theory?  How about you get help for your drug and/or drinking problem?  Or even better, how about you stop choosing men that are obviously losers over your children?

Sound judgemental?  Ask me if I care.MjAxMy1mNGM0NzBkZmRkYjBmMGRl

If I had a gun pointed to my head and someone saying “leave your kid or I pull the trigger” that would be the ONLY way I would ever abandon him, because I would say “pull the trigger, I would NEVER leave him out of free will”.

You people disgust me.

I think maybe it’s because I don’t tolerate much that dooms me to forever being alone but I really just can’t take people who act like children and do not face up to the consequences, good or bad, of THEIR own actions.

I’m officially done with Boost Mobile.  I would have to say that they provide the crappiest service, cell or customer, ever.  As of the 20th, I will be a Verizon member with a new Samsung 4 phone.  I’m sure Verizon will be just as crappy but I’m sure that their cell service is way better.  I swear, I have at least 99.9% of my calls constantly dropping and I can’t get anything to stream, not even a 3 minute Youtube clip.

Boost Mobile = shit, but as the saying goes, you get what you pay for and I paid $50 a month for Boost Mobile.  With Verizon, that will go up to at least $80 even with an employer discount and a house bundle discount.  But hey, no more dropped calls!

*sigh* I’m just really irritated today and I don’t know why really. I actually went to TJMaxx yesterday and got size 13 skinny jeans that I squished my ass into but hey! They buttoned! I actually look pretty hot today in a new, smaller, tighter fitting top today. Maybe that’s why I feel like bitching.

The days go on and the idiots are still around

I continue, day by day.  I took The Boy to hockey lessons last night, and after, we went for our traditional In N Out dinner.

I woke up to the news about Prop 8 in California.  My opinion and where I stand on this subject is not the most liked point of view.  So I will leave it at that.

As I already posted, I lost another dear friend last week to breast cancer.  I’ve been doing better.  My mother actually pointed out something very important that I agreed with (yes, pick up your jaws from the floor.  Sometimes we DO agree).

She pointed out that it may have been a “blessing in disguise” that my friend told no one about her battle, especially me.  After losing my best friend and watching her deteriorate over the years then die, I may not have been able to handle going through it all over again and adding the pain her small child and husband into the picture.  So I’m wondering if maybe, it was all for the best.  I can only take so much.

And right after pointing that out my mother pointed that out I’m a bitch because I told her about my issues with my ex on Monday.  She said I am a bitch to him and I whole fucking heartedly agreed!

I’m sorry (or not sorry) but I hold no respect, honor or decency to someone who turns their back on their child for any reason.  It is selfish and wrong and only shows that this person wants to hurt the child and since this is MY child….I give you this:Mother Bear

He lost any type of respect or non-bitchyness from me the moment he did that.  I care NOT for the reasons he claims to have done it either, which were that he couldn’t handle me.  Excuse not accepted. I don’t care if I acted like Miranda Priestly herself!  You are there for your kid.  I know men to have endured MUCH worse than I ever could have dished out and were always there for their children. 

And for corn’s sake I really wasn’t that bad!  He just got mad because I ripped him a new one because he shaved my 1 year olds head bald right before a photo session and not only did my baby look like he should be saying Hail Hitler but that is not the look I wanted for him at his baby photo session.  And I know that my kid screamed the whole time he was getting his head shaved while his father probably just told him to shut up.  (Yes, he would have said that, I had seen him do the exact thing I describe to his nephews.  I don’t make this up).

So yeah, my inner bitch WILL come out when dealing with that asshole.

Anyway, I digress.  To top off this wonderful roller coaster of emotions I made the very bad mistake of posting in a group on a certain Disney forum about the recent loss of my friend to cancer.  I have known a lot of the people who post there for years and wanted to check in.

Big mistake.  My “check in” was greeted with this insensitive and callous comment, at least in my opinion, anyway.

Sorry Claudia, it happens. Many kids lose parents

By the “many kids lose parents” comment, he was referring to the fact I mentioned my friend had a 6 year old daughter… but hey…so what! Many kids lose parents right?  That makes this loss mean nothing…right?  Or does that make the motherless kids feel any better?!

What the fuck…..I wonder how anyone who is as insensitive as this lives with themselves on a daily basis.  And I now remember why I left that fucking Disney forum.  Disney my ass……

Or maybe I’m being super sensitive about the comment to because I know some people just don’t know what to say but if that were the case, just say nothing.  I can guarantee if this had been said to me to my face, I would have punched him in the balls.

Oh and FYI – I changed the address of this journal from amorainbette to claudiabette.  I might do this every few months just to ensure that I keep out of the radar of those who I don’t want seeing this blog.

So former links to the old address will show a deleted blog but I’m still here.

Office Space much??

I can officially put today down as one of the crappier days of my life.

First, I found out we are hiring another paralegal. No biggie, I’m just a lowly secretary even if I can do the paralegal work but just don’t have the piece of paper with my name on it that says that I can.  However, I realized how “lowly” I was when I was told that when this paralegal is hired, they will take the current office that I’m in now which has a door and a window to look outside.

And what will I be moved into?  Well, that means that I will be shoved into a small cubicle a quarter of the size of that office and forgo the door, the window and a whole lot of privacy.  No more lunches with the office door closed.  I will have to leave the office (which I don’t like doing in this heat) for lunch or I will be interrupted during lunch a lot.

Then just after finding that out, I get a call from my sister.  She was laid off from her job this morning after almost 6 years working there.  She was expecting it and it put my office debacle into perspective but it didn’t make me feel better.  At least I still have my job.  Although, I’m not entirely sure how long that will be because I would think that being told I have to move from an office like this:

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To a cubicle like this (not even this big): imagesCAPQEXLQ

 I would consider that a demotion from those standards.

*Note: the above pictures are not the actual photos of my working environment…but they are very close.

And I wonder about whether they are just preparing me for something to come.  And if that something were to come, my life would be over. I refuse to move back in with my parents and actually can’t now that my step-grandmother is moving in with them and now that my sister is out of a job, I couldn’t move in with her. There would be no way I could afford my $1,250 a month rent on any other pay I’ve seen being offered in these parts and being that I get a discount on my rent through my employer, that rent would go up to close to $1,400 for my 2 bedroom apartment.

I guess I shouldn’t complain really. Until that “something” happens, at least I still have a job.

I will say that I felt very much like Milton Waddams.

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Bad Parenting 101 – Taking a kid to a movie

Last night, I used my AMC $25 gift card I got from Verizon (adult tickets at AMC are now $12!!!) and finally got to take The Boy to see Iron Man.  He enjoyed it. He really likes the flying Mark’s (yes at one point all the suits fly together…very cool stuff). My new Iron Man Build a Bear named Snuggles even got to join us

But this entry isn’t about how great Iron Man was and what a good time I had. I wished that it was. I did have a good time though and as The Boy gets older, he becomes more fun and yet, more mouthy. So it’s the best of both worlds.

No, this is a post about a screaming 2 year old in the theatre.

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Now, I was apprehensive about taking my 9 year old to see this movie as the reviews set the age range around 13  but it actually wasn’t to bad. Once, Tony did say “pussy” but he was using that word in reference to being one, not…well you know and he said it so fast it was easy to miss. There was more explosions than anything else.

Anyway, we are sitting in the theatre, about 4 rows up and about ¼ into the movie, there was this child, at the most 2 or 3 years old and his mother. This child was VERY loud. He was loud even during the loud explosion scenes. At some points, the mother took him into the hallway out of the theatre but for the most part, she just let him sit there, being loud.

There were two women sitting behind us who finally had enough and told the mother her kid was being loud.

This mother did nothing…

10 minutes later, the other woman told this mother her kid was being loud and it was distrupting others.

This mother did nothing…

FINALLY, one of the women got up and went outside. I was assuming it was to tell a movie theatre worker about this.

Next thing, the mother leaves with her child and 10 minutes later comes back with NO child.

Did she leave him outside?

Did she have someone come get him so she could watch the rest of the movie on her own?

If it was the latter, why couldn’t she have done that in the FIRST place instead of pissing off a theatre full of people.

The ignorance and absolute disregard for others really shined last night, in an AMC movie theatre in Rancho Cucamonga, CA.

But that isn’t what upsets me the most. What upsets me is that I am ALWAYS super aware of how I affect others around me. In this instance, if I had been that mother. I would have left the theatre and admitted to myself that I made a mistake. Because I really don’t think Iron Man was a suitable movie for a 2 year old. I felt I was pushing the envelope with my 9 year old but he’s older than he seems.

This woman was just lucky that some one didn’t have a bad day that day and just wanted to relax and get out of the 100 degree weather to sit in a nice cool theatre to watch Iron Man. That person may have snapped and done more than just tell her to shut her kid up.

I can only rely on myself

I had a conversation with my mother on Wednesday afternoon which concluded with her bringing my dad and their SUV to help me move some 50+ boxes.

I should have known better.

I texted her earlier today to bring water when she came by but low and behold….she forgot. No, she didn’t forget the water. She forgot entirely that she was supposed to come over. Oh but she sure didn’t forget to record The Walking Dead on her DVR for my sister. Sometimes being the non-favorite daughter is maddening.

So, not only did she forget about coming over to  help me today  but she forgot the whole conversation we had on Wednesday. She then proceeded to blamed me because I have a busy schedule.

This is why I never ask for help and blame myself for thinking I can.

So now I am staring at the realization that I have 50+ boxes to move with my little VW Jetta.

I actually just moved about 40 boxes with a dolly and trips back and forth between the apartments. (I’m only moving from one unit to another in the same apartment complex)

I need a drink….

I guess I should ask Eeyore to help me move. I would probably get a better response from him.

No wonder I trust no one on this planet. I can’t even trust my own family.

The check is in the mail…

A call from a bill collector, sent me into a whirlwind of flash backs.

Because of this move from one apartment to another, I have had to put a few bills on the back burner to be able to have enough for the deposit on the new apartment and such.

So of course, the loan company for my car was the first to call. Well, I really have no other bills other than rent, utilities and my car payment.  my car payment is only 2 weeks late.

My pre-bankruptcy days returned to me in full force flash backs and my heart fell into my stomach.

Before I continue, yes, I did file a BK. Being a single mother and, at one time, out of work, was a perfect combination for getting so far into a hole, there was no way of getting out. So, yes, I did BK. All judgment can be left at the door because it saved me from driving my car off a cliff and meeting Jesus to soon!

Anyway, I almost forgot how rude collections can be. How heartless and cold they can be, especially over the phone. I calmly and rather politely told this lady, Sylvia, that the check was in the mail. It wasn’t a cliché. I do plan on placing a check for the full amount and any late fees due, in the mail on Saturday, well maybe Monday, but I will do it!

And on another side note, I send paper checks for my car payments because I refuse to be charged a fee to have the ability to pay online. I do not understand what that fee is for as I am interacting with no one. Hence, even my regular payments get sent through snail mail and I just time them appropriately.

Moveing on, the rudeness and demands of how I MUST pay over the phone was unbelievable. I told her that I can’t pay her with money that I do not have and she continued with her arguments on how I can which I just couldn’t  understand because unless she was going to fund me money to pay for a car payment that was only 2 weeks late, it wasn’t getting done over the phone, at that very moment.

I ended it with “the check is in the mail” and hung up.

It is though, or will be by Monday. I actually have this all planned out and will be transferring monies from a small little savings I have been able to collect since I was blessed with a much higher paying job last year, in June. I’m still waiting for that transferred money to end its trip, at my checking account.

So if this “Sylvia” can keep her panties out of a bunch for another 4 days, I would be grateful.

Maybe Eeyore will help me move into my new apartment

I have boxes stacked all over my apartment. They are going up the walls, stacked high. I have not received one offer of help from anyone in my family.

Well, I lied. I realized that I could not physically move the big items such as my dining table, hutch, beds, and entertainment center. So I got my mother to ask her cousin if her son can help with the big items in 2 weeks. He was enticed with the offer of cash, which is no problem. He’s a good kid and always willing to work odd jobs for a few bucks. I respect that.

However, the boxes and all the little random items that are in shelves, cabinets and closets are all getting moved by myself and my 9 year old.

I’m so physically exhausted and a bit disappointed that neither my sister nor parents have offered one bit to help. Granted, the offer of help was mentioned in passing. Something along the lines of “oh we will help you with you the pathfinder (SUV) to move all the boxes.” But then my aunt’s funeral came around and I was put on the back burner, as is the normal process of my life.

Now, please don’t get me wrong. I am in no way blaming the funeral of my aunt. That was a hard loss for all of us. What I am saying is that this is always how it happens. I’m next in line to get SOME kind of attention from anyone in my family or anyone in general, then something else, of higher importance takes over. Whether it be a funeral, wedding or just my sister demanding for me to help her hook up with someone she had a huge crush on 8 years ago, through Facebook. Oh I helped her do that but never, in the process of helping her, did she offer to help me.

This is just the way my life has gone. I have never felt important to anyone. Not even my own mother. Everytime I call her, some random person in her family or something is pulling her attention away from the few moments I get. This could be selfish thinking on my part, I know. But it just seems that something is always more important that me in regards to the people who are supposed to love me.

a-divider

imagesCA6XTF4FThis may be why Eeyore is the 1st on a list of 4 of my favorite Disney characters. I can relate to Eeyore and the plight that he goes through. Eeyore is known for walking around with a dark, rainy cloud constantly following him and raining on him. He lives in his Gloomy Place in the Hundred Acre Wood.

He builds his house of sticks which gets knocked down by Winnie the Pooh  and Piglet because they thought his house was just a plain old pile of sticks (Metaphor: His belongings are not deemed important). Of course Pooh and Piglet re-built Eeyore’s Stick house. How nice of them.

I’ve connected with this character for as long as I can remember. My pin trading obsession started with a little Eeyore glittery pin. Then I decided I wanted every single Eeyore plushie on the planet and tried to achieve that:

Eeyores

Above is a photo of all my Eeyores and that photo is many years old. Granted, the obsession got expensive and I had to put my collection to a halt but it did grow after this photo. Those Eeyores are now in a plastic bag in my closet. I will take them out again some day. I do have my favorites still near me though.

I have been made fun of, per say, because of my “gloom” and “why does it always have to happen to me” attitude. I will admit, I have not taken on this attitude in a while as I try very hard, as of late, to remain positive and focused. But each bout of depression gets harder and harder to climb out of. The hole it resides in gets deeper and deeper and I find I’m clawing my way just to reach the light at the surface, only to be punched down again by some unseen circumstance or the utter feeling of loneliness.

I’m exhausted and tired. I’ve read of people being hospitalized because of actual physical exhaustion, but it is my heart that might get me hospitalized because my heart, is so tired. I don’t mean heart attack type tired. I just feel like its dormant, stagnant. Just there to keep me alive.

However, I definantly can’t be lying in a hospital. I have a kid to take care of.  I have to go to work or The Boy starves because I am the only bread-winner in our little family. I have to get up and keep the house or The Boy lives in squalor because there is no one else around to clean up for him. That kind of pressure is enough to make one collapse with guilt.

So just like Eeyore, I am still here. However, above me is the dark, gloomy and rainy cloud which constantly rains down its sorrows. I never see the sunshine. I don’t know the love of anyone special. I am alone and can only show The Boy how to NOT end up, as an Eeyore.

Hello darkness….my old friend…

Sadness, grief, regret.

So much regret.

I just found an old boyfriend on Facebook, someone I had been looking for, for a while. He is married, JUST married and now that ONE decision I made almost 13 years ago hit me so hard I burst into tears. Tears so hard that they stung my eyes. I’ve cried so much no more is coming out.

As I mentioned before, I am divorced, 9 years ago. The man I married, then divorced was one of two men I could have chosen.  He never loved me, he said that himself. He never even wanted to get married.

Needless to say I did not choose wisely.

Who was the other man you might ask?

Well the one I found FB just moments ago, married, smiling happily with his wife in their little profile photo.

Me? I’m all alone…not one friend. So fat and ugly that no one would care a snit about me.

This is the moment when I say fuck my life.

There is a moment, a split second when you realize everything won’t be ok. The “God has a plan” really seems like a bald face lie told by people who just don’t want to hear you whining anymore. Oh really? Then God’s plan is to ensure that I live the next 40+ years in the utter darkness of Lonelyville? Really? Then He can take me now…I’ll pass on that life.

There is no “plan” for the future. Just loneliness. A long dark road heading straight to loneliness.

Loneliness

I would like to take a step back and discuss loneliness.

I’m 36, as I think I’ve said before and 20 years ago I never would have imagined I would be as lonely in my current life as I am now. I mean, I know I have the boy and he’s great. But I have no friends.

And by NO friends I mean NOT ONE SINGLE friend. I mean, I have people online I talk to but they aren’t friends you call up and say “hey come over for dinner and lets play cards” or something like that.

I have ZERO friends.

It is sad really. And I’m kinda embarrassed to admit this. I don’t know of a single person who has not one friend. Now I did have friends in my past. One in particular, my best friend, the one who would have come over to play cards with me, died in 06 when we were 29 after her 10 year battle with cancer. (Screw that disease).

So the only friend that would have been that one true friend, which is what I was meant to have, died. Next in line was a husband who hated me, hence, was an a-hole to me, hence, the divorce was not far after the wedding. So I wasn’t going to have a husband/best friend there.

Then I became a mother and I just threw myself into being a mother kinda the way one can throw themselves into a bottle of bourbon. To forget.

I was trying to forget the fact that I had not one single friend.

9 years into motherhood and I still am stuck in the reality that I have not one single friend.

This makes me a sad panda and some days increases the depression.

However, on another note, I have noticed that because I’m a “plain jane” (I have trouble with makeup as it burns my eyes, same as contacts) I don’t attract anyone, but more specifically males as they are pretty much all about looks and rarely look past the cover.

*sigh* oh well

I had to see it to believe it…

I guess I will document what I found to be Disney sliding down its slippery slope of decline.

At my last Saturday visit to the parks, I had fast passes for 10:00 Indiana Jones.

I was in line to show my fast pass when a couple slid by us, a couple in front of me and a few others and then slid by the Cast Member checking fast pass times. They walk up the ramp to the top, just in front of me, where the second Cast Member is taking Fast Passes. When this CM asks for their fast passes this couple did not have a fast pass. Well that is because, they never showed it to the first CM and got past her.

So, the guy in this couple pretends to not know English and not even know what a fast pass is (how are you at Disneyland all day and not know what a Fast Pass is? Even if they were AP’ers, everyone knows what a Fast Pass is.). The CM asks him to look for it, he looks, more like faking to look, in his wallet and nothing, of course.

The CM, shrugs and just lets them go by. Let me repeat that, a DISNEYLAND CAST MEMBER AT INDIANA JONES let a couple cut a 40 minute line just because they faked not knowing English and this CM just didn’t want to deal with the issue. If she didn’t want to hold up the line anymore, she could have asked them to move aside, then called the lead.

I tell her as she takes my fast pass that the couple did not have fast passes and that they skirted past the CM at the front. She shrugs.

I tell the next CM I see about the incident and point out the couple…he basically shrugs it off.

I tell a third CM at the loading area about the incident and point the couple out again and not only does she shrug it off but laughs about it.

Finally, at the exit of the ride, I catch a lead CM and tell him. Not only did he shrug it off, laugh and then say “it happens” but hey, he did say sorry. (WTF?!)

I’ve read about the decline of Disney and how rules are no longer being administered but have never seen it first hand, until last Saturday.

I will now be taking my money, free time and amusement park trips to Universal, where I got a year pass this past Christmas and be utilizing it often. Or just find other types of adventures. I’m excited about Sea World and now that I have my camera there are tons of places waiting to be photographed!

Will I still frequent Disney? Of course, my pass expires in August. Will I renew? That would have to be no. The Disney of 2004, when I got my first Annual Pass is NOT the same Disney of today, not even close.

Disney is shaming Walt’s dream by allowing the cheats of this world to win.

This…is why I keep my distance… Edit

So, last night I told my mother of my Seaworld trip and how excited I was…..guess what kind of response I got from her…. “why can’t your father and I go” and “you can’t go alone” . I try to explain that this is my annual trip for just the boy and me but that wasn’t cutting it. I decided to let her rant, in public and I just sat there. My sister was not to amused with her attitude as well and….oh miracle of miracles….my sister was actually on my side.

And my mother wonders why I am detaching from her. These statements even got my kid a bit down as he is super excited to.

The woman is so over worked caring for my senile father and refuses to get help for her insomnia that she gets barely 1-2 hours of sleep a night. She really is a bear to be around sometimes because of her lack of sleep.  We were having a dinner out last night for a school fundraiser and she was scowling the whole time…complaining about the noise. Its frustrating and I always regret inviting her but know that if she found out I didn’t it would be worse for me.

I really try to keep my favors from her to a minimum because they come with such a heavy emotional price and I really just try to avoid her at all costs.

I am so excited about this Seaworld trip mostly because I get to bring my camera and get amazing photos! I think she is jealous that I am taking trips like this because she is stuck at home with a man who wants to do nothing. She was young once and traveled every year to tons of places, I remember those trips.

I’m just done with the negativity and I leave it at that.

If you have my kid…….

This is one of the things that irks me when my mother has my child and takes him on an outing miles and miles away.

I always have to pester her about regularly contacting me throughout the day on how things are. My parents took my boy to Universal today and I have heard nothing but “we arrived” with a photo about 4 hours ago.

Call me a crazy protective mother but when going to a BIG amusement park WITH my only boy child..you WILL keep me posted regularly, throughout the day on how things are. That requires you simply texting me…something short. It really isn’t that hard?!

Is this to much to frickn’ ask!?!

And so I just texted her about 30 minutes ago…no response.

EDIT: and FINALLY got a picture of the boy eating pizza after I had to prompty her with a text to please send me something on how things are going. Ok whew….I can relax a little…

Hello, Loneliness…please have a seat

Sometimes, Lonely and his friends Sadness and Pain come to join me. I try to close my door to them but they shove their way in like theives in the night.

I find it so amusing that when I think back of myself at aged 24, Bride at a wedding, in a marriage that I knew would end of divorce…I don’t know who that woman was!

So I feel I should welcome my new friends. I mean, I did kind of bade them to come in…if I had made better choices. They would find someone else to bother.

But my Pastor says one is never lonely with Jesus by their side. I welcome Jesus to. He may be better company, in fact I know that He is better company.

A year is long enough to take a break?

Yeah maybe.. So I return only because I have no where else to be annonymous on this world wide web. My birthday will come and go again and I will spend it alone except this time by choice. I’m tired of dealing with self centered family who are so strung up in themselves they don’t figure out they are hurting others and then when the mirror is put in front of them go..”oh it’s you..you are perceiving it that way” to make me look like the crazy one. But I refuse to make myself the center of attention simply because I think I deserve it or just for the sake of bringing attention to myself.

Color me Selfish

So, I must be the queen of the kingdom of selfish.

I don’t think I agree that one should neglect getting to know others because they get distracted or won’t step away from the game. And that is coming from an avid gamer!! If I had the option of getting to know a wonderful person and potentially ending my lonely nights of crying, I would take the TIME to try.

I try so hard to be positive and attentive when in a conversation but its always over looked.

I have so much joy and fun to offer someone but, I fear I will never be able to give it.

wait a minute…so I’m SUPPOSED to care?

That title has absolutely no reason  for existing.

Once again, money is not an option but a treasure. I am sick of not having it. I’m sick of jobs not paying what they should and companies were are cheap bastards but…it won’t all matter when I’m up with the Lord.

I just take care of what I need to. Enjoy my life with my kid and watch him grow because if it wasn’t for that…what kind of existence would this be.

I love my new Samsung Galaxy! I Love being able to stream music, check my email or facebook and take photos! I have moved onto the phone technology of the century.

I just realized I need to get out to Disneyland for the Halloween rides before it ends. Must ride Ghost Galaxy/Space Mountain :)

Cats, relationships and why relationships can’t be like cats

I actually have a blank mind today. I guess I could write about how pissed I was because my cat pooped in my closet..ON my shoes. But it was my fault. I guess I had inadvertently closed the door to my bed room , therefore locking him in and not allowing him  his litter. What else was the poor animal gonna do. So I blame myself. But man does that stuff stink. But I love my S. (the cat).

I guess I should elaborate my short terms for things. The boy is my child, S. is my cat, E. is my sister and the woman is my mother.  Or more like..the woman who bore me and then proceeded to make sure I succeed in nothing. But I’m trying to stray from harsh feelings about all that. I have no real friends so you will never hear of any of those. And I’m not exaggerating about that. I do not have a single friend. I have co-workers, a few online contacts but no friends. I am not married so I don’t have a spouse to talk with. I’m not in an adult relationship period. It’s just my child and I. I have mixed feelings about that. I mean, my stuff is mine, my money is mine, my bills are mine, but I have no one to share anything with. I got out my sister but it isn’t the same.

The man I thought I loved and married only to have him confessed he never loved me, ever…he was it for me. Then when I pushed out his kid, he preferred not to have anything to do with him either. So he ran faster than a cat with it’s tail on fire (again..the cat reference. Gotta respect the title!)

Not only do I not believe a word any man says..I doubt just about every person that walks the face of this earth. I don’t wish to give up on love…in fact, I don’t. I give up on people. But sometimes I don’t. Remember..I ramble..deal.

And somewhere up in that big blue sky, God laughs at my lonliness. And I’m just supposed to believe “it all happens for a reason” yeah ok…I guess the reason is that God laughs in the skies at me? I have no clue and don’t mean to blaspheme the Lord…it’s just a mystery.

So my office is letting us go at 1 today instead of 4. I still won’t make it to my son’s 12:30 awards ceremony. The joys of being  single mother having to work..I pretty much feel like I’m missing out on everything that has to do with my son…fantastic….sarcasm.

I’m debating what to do over this long weekend. This is what I want to do. Tonight, eleTRONica to dance with the boy. Tomorrow, a trip to  Mount Baldy to hike, Sunday and early morning trip to open Disneyland, Monday rest.

Will that happen? Probably not because sometimes my life is not my own.