Life is unpredictable and predictable

I remember back in the day (tag weight lost link)…I started at 245 lbs. Over the course of almost 2 years, I lost 70 of it.  That 70 has slowly and steadily been creeping back on.  It’s all about monitoring what goes in my mouth and SERIOUSLY not giving in to the shit that is out there.  And walking…walking walking…walking works for me.  Because of my back injury which I believe was due to 30 minutes on the Elliptical every day, I can not longer work out with weights nor on the Elliptical. So I walk.  That is all I can do.

But then that means I pretty much eat…well nothing.  I just can’t. As I get older my body is begging to process it’s shut down.  A cheeseburger from Jack in the Crack weighs me down for days and I mean days.  I’m doing more smoothies and a detox.  But other than that, there is really nothing more I can do.  My body is just….getting old. And it’s showing signs of wear and tear.  That can’t be helped.

But as of this morning, after years of up and down…I’m back up to 210lbs. I’m so tired of fighting genetics…so tired.

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Ok, so you will be on 525 calories a day….

I started this blog back in 2013 when I started a long and endless journey of weight loss. I chose the medical route but not surgery.  I got vitamin injections and medication.  I also cut out carbs completely and stopped fast food entirely.  It worked and over the span of a little over a year, I lost 70 lbs.  Spring of 2014 was the biggest highlight of this journey.  I was in a size 8, I was happy and even took a fun trip with my son to Hearst Castle.  We had an awesome and memorable time that even he still reminisces about.

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This is no joke at all and not far from the truth.

But as they say, when you rise high, you fall far.  And I did.  I do realize that this is a lifetime thing, being conscious of weight and what is going in my mouth but really sometimes it seems so exhausting.  I do firmly believe that thin women, who don’t have the natural genetic ability of a super fast metabolism, literally eat nothing.

I will be 40 years old in exactly two months (shit….) and I’ve gained 43 pounds of the initial 70 I lost.  The feeling that comes with those pounds is utter devastation and just plain feeling sick, sluggish and tired.  It can’t really be described.  My stomach is bloated and everything feels puffy even down to my toes and ankles.  Even my fingers look like little wrinkled sausages.  It literally feels like I was ripped apart and put back together wrong.

Now that I have finalized my move here to Idaho and I am getting settled in my apartment, staying on top of my kid and his schooling, settling into my job and finances, I decided to do something about this.  I started a Super Colon Cleanse and an Antioxidant Detox as well, to just flush shit out…literally.

I also visited a clinic not to different than the first clinic I started this journey at.  They give the vitamin shots which is a cocktail mixture of B-12, B-6, Folic Acid, B Complex, and Vitamin C.  They also offer the appetite suppressants but they also offered something else ….HCG.  I hear they work but have to be careful when they get stopped which is after about 3 months of a weekly shot.  The weight can climb back on quickly.  I tried it for about a month when I first arrived here in June and they worked.  I want to start the program fresh again and finish it out.tumblr_inline_na05welx6q1qdr3t3

Honestly, I just want to de-bloat and get rid of this general feeling of being disconnected from my own body.  Everything fits me tight and I’m walking around feeling like a stuffed sausage, with glubs of fat rolling out of my clothes.  Speaking of clothes…I have none that fit right so I’m sure I look ridiculous at work.  It really does disgust me.

I can’t go back to the workout routine I had before which consisted of 30 minutes on the elliptical and 20 minutes of weight lighting done 4-5 days a week.  My herniated disc injury and low back weakness won’t allow for that.   I can barely do Power Walking a bit uphill on a treadmill.  I’m going to try and fit in 20 minutes on the Elliptical 2 times a week.  But if I do anymore, my body begins to hurt.

But if my output is going to be greatly reduced, then that means my input must also do that same.

SO we get to the title of this entry.  At my initial visit to the clinic yesterday, I was told exactly that. “Your daily calorie intake will be 525”

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That has to be the lowest I’ve ever been told to intake!!  She explained it was because the HCG shots do something with the fat cells or something like that. I should probably research before I dive in but I’ll be fine.  I know my body and I know what works and what doesn’t.

She did give me a grocery list that would embrace this 525 calorie a day diet (still reading that blows my mind….).  It’s a lot of fruit, oatmeal, yogurt and water water water and just a bit more water.  I’m going to break out my Nutribullet again and start my smoothies with a bit of Whey protein in them along with the fruit.

So the conclusion is this.  In my world, to not be fat, I must intake nothing of substance.  I must move everyday (I can deal with that).  I must also become obsessed about food and what goes down my gullet.

Fun times….

And Life Goes On…and On…and SQUIRREL!

Yup…Squirrel.

It has been a year since my visit to Painville. I still have horrible memories and even nightmares of the pain.  I have heard of people with chronic pain of some kind but I do not think that I am one of those poeple who can do chronic pain without losing my mind completely.

Then, of course there was the Glitch in the weight loss Matrix.  Apparently, eating and what I put in my mouth at any given moment will be a constant trial for me. I have to become borderline obsessed with eating for every waking minute, hour and day of my life. I realized that I will live the rest of my life in an up and down rollercoaster regarding my weight.  As of now, I’m in a slight valley with weight. But I was riding high on a mountain a few weeks ago and I’ll get it back.  Since I can’t do strenous exercise anymore due to my back, I am stuck with only power walking as cardio exercise.  I carry weights during my walking but that is all..I’m afraid to do to much because of my weight.  Hence,  I need to eat practically nothing to balance out my slow metabolism with the fact Im not doing strenuous cardio.  I will always hate it.

There is, of course, so much more to write.  But I’m actually really lazy and have to think my words out very carefully so as not to sound to bitter, harsh or just plain bitchy about many aspects of my life and the people in them.

So more to come.

 

 

 

A Glitch in the weight loss Matrix….do you wish to re-boot?

There was a HUGE glitch in the Matrix….

After going through my painful ordeal, the exercise stopped and the eating started.  All I did was lie down, dormant, stuffing my face with fast food. Blegh…..

I gained 25 lbs from my lowest weight.

I is a Sad Panda

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But that’s ok.  I’m on the road to recovery and in a better place mentally for it.

I started the low carbs diet, reduced calorie intake and jumped back on the treadmill for 30 minute medium paced walking sessions, 4 times a week.

Last week I started at 195 lbs.  Today, I’m down 3 lbs.

I’m determined to keep that scale going in the right direction.  Because not only is it for health and looks, but it’s for my back.  Apparently, as my herniated disc so skillfully told me, my spine can’t take being severely overweight.  So unless I want to end up back in Painville, I lose and maintain the health.

We are only here for a short time….

That is what I keep telling myself…’This is temporary…This is temporary”

It may seem that I left this blog by the wayside and perhaps I have.

In the weight department, I have been at a steady and maintained weight loss of 75lbs. Sometimes it goes up…then I bring it right back down. I am now conscious of when I start to gain a pound or two and make sure that it comes back down. As of right now…I’m up a bit but I will bring it right back down. I have been keeping exercise as a regular part of my routine at 3-4 times a week, 30 minutes on the elliptical or bike and weight lifting. I am pretty much carb free but sneak the occasional dinner roll or fry here and there. But 98% of my food choices do not include carbs in any form. I am going to finish up my last two weeks at the medical clinic and then I’m going to switch to another facility which is just around the corner from my office building and I can visit for my vitamin injections during my lunch hour.  I want to start fresh at a new place, from my current weight.  I still have about 30 pounds to lose although I may try and go as far as losing another 50 lbs bringing me down to about 120 lbs at 5 feet 4 inches height.  I started this journey May 4, 2013 and will never look back.  After a year, I will start fresh and these will be my new goals:

Height:  5 ft, 4 in
Current Weight:  178 lb  (give or take)
Healthy weight range:  117-146 lb
Current BMI:  31
Healthy BMI range:  20-25

MjAxMy1lYjAyZjhlYThkZWIyNGUwWork has not been so good.  I am currently dealing with a boss who yells, argues and screams at me, on the phone, or to anyone he’s talking to.  I’ve documented it with H.R. and that is all I can really do.  He also burps all the time, farts in front of me (his office constantly smells like butt) and I literally have to leave the area when he eats lunch because he’s SO loud with his chomping and slurping that it makes me physically ill.  I made the mistake once of walking into his office while he was eating lunch and let me just say, the spaghetti sauce was ALL over his mouth….all…over.  And by the way, this is a 58 year old man.  He is disgusting.  My solution, since I need a paycheck and can’t quit, is to completely shut down any interaction with him.  Basically, I avoid him at all costs.  Communication is mostly through emails.  It’s working out, for the most part.

But the worst was about 1 ½ months ago, when somehow, an un-authorized person snuck into the buildings and stole 3 wallets straight from purses sitting on cubicles.  My wallet was one of them.  I’m very disappointed in how my employer handled the situation.  But I have to put up with all of this because eating is not an option.  I will say it really takes its toll on me.  The stress is beginning to affect my stomach.  I’m pretty sure I have IBS but I need to go to my Dr. to get him to diagnose me but from what I’ve read, I’m sure that’s it.  On my own, I’m starting probiotics and cutting back on the coffee…(*sorta* teehee).  But my appetite and eating is pretty much null and void.  I have no desire for food as I used to over a year ago.  But that’s fine with me.

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My farm….

I have become mildly obsessed with Farmville 2: Country Escape.  Yes, yes I have. I’m farming and harvesting and creating yummy foods such as cakes, pies and fish that sometimes just playing the game brings my appetite back! It’s funny.  Anyway, look up cpamorain@gmail.com on Google Games and that would be me. It should be listed as one of my games that I’m getting achievements from.

Rejection-Investors-Startup--790x391I have officially given up on finding someone, a companion to walk with me and beside me for the rest of my life.  After putting myself out there for a bit…the rejection, even after becoming physically attractive (or so I thought the weight loss would help) is unbearable.  I was never one to react positively from rejection.Plain Jane

I’ve had a series of revelations. There was a time that I firmly believed that my over weight issue was what kept me unattractive and plain.  I have since come to find out, it was never the weight.  I will admit to being a “Plain Jane” and nothing that turns heads.  Hell, I’ll be lucky if I can get another human being to even acknowledge that I exist.  Beyond that, there is something about my personality that makes others turn away.  I am not all alone for no reason.  I should wear a sign that says “does not play well with others”.  The weight is gone and still, I’m a nobody.

I barely exist to anyone.  My son just sees me as a bank to make sure he has what he needs and a disciplinary who stops him from having “fun”.  Although I firmly believe that I am the coolest mom on the planet.   Just recently, he started becoming interested in Superman comics and we found a great Comic Book store near our apartment that I take him to (when he acts good) and I get him comics to his hearts desire.  Now tell me, how many mothers will get down on their hands and knees digging through boxes of back issues of Superman comics in a local comic book store, to find the right Superman comic for their 10 year old son.  We are not many, us cool moms.  I love it though.  I’ve always been a geek at heart.

Mario KartI also visited just about every McDonald’s in the area JUST to get The Boy his last Mario Kart toys from there.  They were the Happy Meal toys and he was only  missing three.  I found two out of the three he was missing.  I couldn’t find Donkey Kong.Beanie Babys

I will admit…I did get some of the Beanie Babies (the “Girl” toy) for myself…they were so cute!

But this all proves this theory: That kid…is my entire reason for existing…my entire…..reason.

My parents barely know I exist beyond giving them their most precious grandchild. I’m just waiting for my father’s impending progression of Alzheimer’s to finally kick in and he won’t know who I am, at all.  Until then, he just can’t talk.  But both my parents pretty much ignore me more now than they ever did.   My younger sister….*sigh*…her and I are just not on the same page about morals and standards in life and are having serious personality conflicts.  It really does break my heart but she is the most stubborn and unforgiving person I know.  She also needs to think before she speaks just as a common human courtesy.  I also think she resents me for my weight loss but that is just speculation.  She is going down the path of physical self sabotage and gaining SO much weight and I worry for her health.  She is pre-diabetic, has thyroid issues and back problems.  She really needs to lose about 100 lbs, for health reason alone!   I know that she holds some resentment towards me just by being in the same room with her because we’ve both been fat our whole lives.  This journey is a lifetime change and she is all about the “3-day cleanse” diets.  That doesn’t work for us.  It’s a lifetime thing.  My older sister, well I never had a real relationship with her as we didn’t grow up together.  I have no friends and barely know a handful of relatives.

liar_liar_pants_on_fireI tried the dating thing and it just didn’t work. There was always someone better than me or, as I’ve come to realize, most men, especially the so called “Christian” ones, are all liars.  The amount of liars and hypocrites I’ve run into in the approximately 8 months I’ve tried dating is outstanding and absolutely incredible.  Guys that say “I’m looking for a Christian woman, with standards and values……” then turn around and want to jump in the sack…uh…no….?  Or you get the ones who really like that I’m a sports fanatic and would rather go to a good baseball or hockey event than shop for shoes, then drop me like I have leprosy to pursue someone who, surprise…..surprise, is eye candy for them to hang off their arm.  Pathetic…. Men, are a lost cause, especially at this age.  I’m done with them and their lies, arrogance and hypocrisy.

And after that evaluation, I really will be brutally honest and admit that for me, death cannot come fast enough.

Now let me explain that statement.

The Bible tells us that Christians will be with Jesus the instant they die.

In 2 Corinthians 5:8 the Apostle Paul even longed for death because he knew it would take him into the presence of Jesus.  He said,  “We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord. “

In Luke 23:43 Jesus tells the thief dying on the cross, “Verily I say unto thee, Today shalt thou be with Me in Paradise.”

I just want to be with Jesus, where there is no pain, physical or mental or emotional.  This life is temporary and full of heartache and sorrow and sometimes, it’s a bit to much.  But I do not condone murder, so when I say that, I mean that getting older only carries for me regret that I didn’t live my younger years with more wisdom.  I sometimes feel I have nothing to teach my son yet, on the flip side, I have everything to teach him because of my mistakes that I learned from.  I know that he alone, is the only reason I exist on this planet.  Well him and the fear of the eternal consequences of murder (because, yes, suicide is murder and God gave us each our paths for a reason).

So please, no comments like “you need to seek counseling blah blah blah”.  I’m not going to off myself.  I just can’t wait to be in a happier place when this life walk is over.  The end of this physical life in this physical skin will be such a welcome to me.

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I used to blame God for my loneliness and be petrified of dying, but I can’t feel that way anymore.  It was I who made my choices. The only “blame” that can go towards God is that He gave humans the ability to choose right from wrong.  He only shows us the paths and we must choose to walk the proper one.  I did not  with the choices I made, out of rebellion and spite and now I suffer the consequences by dealing with loneliness and the harsh reality that for however many more years I have on this planet, they will be utterly and totally, alone.

So, in essence, since my last posts in here of our wonderful day trip to Hearst Castle to my constant battle with loneliness, it hasn’t gotten much better.  There are good days and bad days.  There are days when my family really get on my last nerve and I’m done with them.  But for the most part, I spend most of my time with The Boy and just prepare myself for the day when he will jump on the bandwagon, and also reject me somewhere down the line.  Then I will be utterly and truly alone and my battle between living and being patience for God’s time for Him to call me to His Kingdom, will truly begin.

Or, it might not end up that way because I have also learned that I am not the one making the path.  I just follow what is right and how believe.  I will enjoy my son and teach him the best I can.  He starts school a week from Monday and will be entering the 5th grade.  I’m taking him to a Dodger game on Sunday as a “End of the Summer” last fun thing to do and a night at a fun restaurant in Pasadena where you throw your peanut shells on the floor.  I’ve already been to two Dodger games this summer, one with my sister and my kid and one with my sister, kid, and my parents and I think I just want to be with my kid now.  Sometimes, they are all to much for me to handle and my patience is pushed to it’s limits.

But I constantly do question one thing about my faith.  If Jesus died for us and forgave us, why do the sins of our past hurt us in our present?  I guess I should talk to a pastor about that but I try to figure things out on my own.

“The idea of Summmer…and all things….HOT…”

Yeah, I just couldn’t think of a title but oh how much I love that Snowman!

If you are reading this, you might want to make sure you have the time and grab a coffee and pull up a chair.  This might be a long update.

So, this morning, I drop off The Boy at before care and the room is all dark and every single child is staring at the tv and singing along to our favorite Snowman….

I proudly announced that his voice and that “Summer” song is my ring tone…I have no shame!  I love that Snowman!

Happy Anniversary!  You registered on WordPress.com 1 year ago! Thanks for flying with us. Keep up the good blogging!

Yes, it has been 1 year that I’ve had this WordPress blog open. It doesn’t seem that long yet, it kinda does. I think that may be because of the massive amount of writing I’ve put into this thing and how much of my life history I’ve revealed.

4th Grade Project

THearstCastle-712894his month is 4th grade project month.  Apparently, 4th graders are no longer tied down to doing just a Mission located here in California.  At least my kid’s school isn’t requiring a California Mission.  We get to choose any California landmark we desire.  I decided….oh I mean THE BOY….decided Hearst Castle in San Simeon, CA.  How the HELL I’m going to make a model of this thing now has me worried that I may have bit off more than I can chew…but it’s THE BOY’s project…right? It doesn’t reflect at ALL on me..right?

Wrong….

But regardless, I will try to create the front of the Castle, some trees in front then the Neptune Pool.  The pool I already have an idea of how it’s going to be made.  It’s the Castle I’m worried about.  But supply shopping will soon commence at the Walmart and Micheals.

It’s due May 7, so I have a good month to do this….ahem..I mean THE BOY has a good month to do his project…

Weight

I’m still, miraculously, losing weight.  There are ups and downs.  I got on the scale one week and gained 8 lbs, then got on it again the next week and lost the 8 and a few more.  So it’s hard to gauge what will happen but it doesn’t matter.  As long as I can still run on that treadmill, breathe when going up stairs and fit into a size 8.

And that I NEVER see that scale tell me 245 lbs ever again.

I have not visited the clinic nor got an injection for a month now.  I’ve also been completely off the appetite suppressants.  However, I may return to the clinic and pay off the last $200 for another 10 weeks soon.  After, that 10 weeks, if I’m diligent, that should be it for me on losing the initial weight.  Then it’s maintenance from here until I die.  So I will continue to remain 95% carb free, for the rest of my life.  I will constantly monitor portions and make better choices.  I will forever keep my exercise level high.

LilySlim - (hgaY)

But as of this date, I have lost a total of 71 lbs. That is more than what The Boy weighs!  And, I’m not longer in the “Obese” section of the BMI charts. I’m simply “overweight” now…..

So apparently a size 6/8 and looking like this….is overweight.  But hey, at least I’m not “Obese” anymore!

Yeah...I hate selfies...ugh...

Yeah…I hate selfies…ugh…

Family

Well surprise surprise!!..…a family member has officially been cut off and guess what.…IT ISN’T ME!

In the past it would have been me considering some of the crap I’ve pulled.  But it isn’t, (BTW, the relationship between myself and my mother is GREATLY improved.  She still sometimes says things that I have to roll my eyes at but I’m able to do just that and it’s all good).

My aunt, my mother’s sister, is officially cut off, monetarily and emotionally, with anything to do with myself, my sister and our mother and father.  There will no longer be any interaction between us and her.  If she has the gall to call my mother up on the future asking for money or whatever, my mother has been instructed by myself and my sister that she is to not answer the phone, lest she desires to feels our wrath.

Believe me when I say that this decision was tossed around a lot and has lots of merit behind it.  My aunt has burned her last bridge with these latest shenanigans she pulled.

My mother’s other sister, has also cut their sister off in the capacity listed above.  I am actually not going to go into detail because, even though it included a possible legal battle and my aunt just being a manipulator and pathological liar, it is very convoluted and honestly, to embarrassing to even admit here.Who opened the closet

I know one thing is for sure regarding my family.  I am REALLY sick and tired of new “skeletons” that keep coming out of our family closet every so often.  With this new debacle, even more skeletons have come out and honestly, I don’t know who or WHAT to believe anymore.

I’m just glad that my son isn’t near some of the “skeletons” and I just want to be done with it all.

I so desire to shake my family tree of all its skeletons and bury their bones forever.

Divorce

Life will always continue to surprise me and people surprising me is no exception.  As my aunt has surprised us all by betraying the family, my ex-husband surprised me to the point of humility.

Wait…does anyone know what temperature it is in HELL!?

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So, back in December, I decided I needed to go back to court to get the ex to pay a bit more child support only because, according to our current incomes, he should be paying about $400 more a month.  So I got that started, got my previous attorney to work on it and got it filed.  Earlier this week, my attorney tells me that my ex got his own lawyer and wants to negotiate….ugh.

I think the worst. I mean what is there to negotiate?! If he thinks he can weasel back into The Boy’s life after 8 years of nothing just so he can pay less in child support….screw that!  I know that is the worst possible scenario, but that is where my mind went and, apparently, it didn’t need to.

Long story short, I spoke with my ex yesterday and he agrees to all that I have requested, which is the higher monthly child support payment and the $600 he owes me from a washing machine we bought back when we were married that he was ordered to pay and never did.

I think my jaw literally fell to the floor.

Am I being tricked?

Is he lying?

Did I land in Bizzarro World?!?!

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Well, no I don’t believe he is lying.  I think he knows that if it goes to court, a judge would “hand him his ass on a platter” as a new friend of mine so poetically and precisely put it.  I would assume, he is just laying down the sword and realizing his defeat.

I know that gloating and pride are not qualities that God promotes and being a women of faith I would rather not gloat but I have to say that for the first time in 10 years, I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted off me and that this particular fight is just about over and I may have won.  Now, I won’t be so naïve as to think that something else might not come up as life has many plot twists but my ex only has 8 more years to be obligated to pay child support and I believe that this issue of an increase might come up one more time before the 8 years are up, but until then, I am the victor.

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So that ended rather amicably and a HUGE weight has been lifted off me because this Boy is getting SUPER expensive what with torn jeans every few weeks, new shoes every month and hockey gear…I barely have money to get myself $1.99 Suave shampoo!

Miscellaneous

  • I miss Disneyland visits so much.  I don’t see a renewal of a pass anytime in the future.
  • The Walking Dead, Season 4 is over…and if you don’t know what I’m talking about, that’s ok.  If you do and haven’t seen it…don’t get mad at me when I say I would turn into EXACTLY  the same kind of person Rick has turned into.  And yes, I would have ripped that guys throat out with my teeth…if he was attacking my kid and double yes, I would have stabbed my kid’s would be attacker 50 million times.  Rick did exactly what I would have done, to protect my child.
  • New Season of Game of Thrones starts Sunday!
  • So! Who is taking me to go see Captain America! The Boy doesn’t want to see it but I do! Who’s coming with me?!?!

SHOUT OUT!

Lastly, I would like to give a shout out and I hope that this person doesn’t mind me giving him a shout out.

At one point in my life, just after losing my best friend, I honestly thought that God did not intend for me to develop any kinds of friendships.  I couldn’t find anyone that matched the connection that she and I had.  I believe that we were soul mates but not in the romantic sense.  More in a sisterly bond sense, yet we shared not one drop of blood.

However, along the way I have run into some truly fascinating people who are genuine, kind and willing to make a connection.  Some have stuck around in my life (cue in a wonderful couple who live up north who I think are the best EVER! And yes, I will give Elder Scrolls a chance).  But for the most part, it’s been a lonely life that I have built many walls around.  So, to make a new friend is a huge positive for me.

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I would just like to tell this person, and you know who you are, thank you SOOO much for giving me a chance, being patient and breaking down the walls I’ve built up around me.  I know that as individuals, we run into many people on a daily basis, not knowing anything about them.  We affect them by our actions and you have affected me tremendously.  You are the positive friendship that my little weak faith needed, in God and in people.

Thank you so much for listening to me this past week.  You have NO idea how just being able to get things off my chest has helped me.  I greatly appreciate all the effort you’ve put into getting to know me.  You are a truly blessed person and the friendship we are building is important to me.

And with that, until the next time, that is all for now.

thCABOMA63

Has there ever been a time you were truly happy?

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My mother presented this question to me last night during a phone conversation and it actually got me to thinking about how I could truly and honestly answer that question.

I’m half way through my life and at this point I can honestly say, after taking some time to lay in bed and think about it, that I have never, ever been genuinely happy, ever.

Now, there were times I was content and maybe even close to happy.  However, looking back on those times, I realized the happiness was coming from a time in my life that was not true reality, more like a House of Cards that eventually all came crumbling down.  It was not real.

The one time I remember actually being content enough to borderline true happiness was the last three months I was pregnant, back in early 2004.  Weird, I know, to think the third trimester of a very LARGE pregnancy would make any women feel happy, but I was.  I had been taken off work by my doctor, due to a painful gallstone which eventually prompted the removal of my whole gallbladder years later.  During that time, I just watched my food intake and was able to keep the pain under control.

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My Abyssinian/Siamese mix I had back in 2004

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My Abyssinian baby boy back in 2004

Those days in the first three months of 2004 were peaceful, calm and quite serene.  I would get up, not rushed, not fatigued and cuddle with my cats, then maybe go eat something and walk around the mall a bit, or just sit at home and play a video game. I felt no urgency to be somewhere, no worry about paying bills.  Money was actually flowing in pretty good at that time because I was getting a disability check from my employer, using PTO time for being off work (so I was still getting a paycheck) and getting $1400 a month from AFLAC for disability.  So I was basically getting a paycheck and then some.  I was truly content and seemingly without a care in the world.

Thinking about it now, as I mentioned before, I was in a dream world, a world that wasn’t truly reality.  I remember reality hitting VERY hard after the baby was born.  The reality of a divorce, suddenly becoming a single mother and dealing with being a mother while living under my own mother’s roof (cliff notes version, a mother can’t be a mother while still living in their own mother’s house…impossible).

But to answer that initial question, have I ever been truly happy, the answer would be universally NO.  I’m constantly in a state of agitation and worry.  I’m constantly feeling pain of some sort, whether in my heart, through my emotions or actual physical pain.  Thankfully the latter is much less since my 67 lb weight loss however, the 67 lb weight loss just adds to the psychological obsession that I have to make sure I never gain the weight back again.  It also means the other forms of pain are only emphasized.

I know it is all me. I know we all create our own paths and our own happiness and I’m not saying that I have moments, and by moments, I mean literally, just seconds, of content-ness.  (yeah, I made that word up, deal)

For instance, each evening, when I’m done with cooking dinner, doing my workout, cleaning up the apartment a bit, making sure The Boy is bathed and teeth brushed, telling The Boy to bath and brush his teeth 5-10 times in a row, getting The Boy to bed, making sure I’M bathed and I’m actually sitting down on the couch with my tablet and my cat, ready to crumble into a short state of vegetation because I realize I have to go to bed to start the routine all over again, sometimes, in that short state of vegetation, I will have a moment of content.  The cat helps.  Pets are truly therapy.IMG_20131210_222227

I have never really strived to reach pure happiness because I really don’t think it exists.  I know some say being a parent brings happiness and I won’t deny that it does, sometimes, but sometimes, for me, the most being a parent and being a single parent has brought me is the realization that my sanity can be pushed just a little more each day to the brink of utter and massive detonation.

starsToday, I did reach 30 stars on my Starbucks Rewards Program.  Now, I’m officially a Starbucks Gold Member (as long as I keep purchasing Starbucks for the next 12 months and keep the stars coming).  In a way, that granted me a bit of joy.  I do enjoy my Starbucks Pike Blend (never the frothy foo-foo coffee drinks…just straight Pike for me!)

fav-broccoli-cheddar-soup-doublewide_desktopHappiness is different for each individual person.  I, personally, thought losing the most weight I’ve ever lost in my life and being able to actually see my ribs would make me happy.  SURPRISE SURPRISE!  I’m still miserable.  But hey, at least my feet don’t hurt any more and I can squeeze into size 8 skinny jeans!  But in return, I never get to enjoy a Bread Bowl filled with Broccoli and Cheese soup from Panera Bread, ever…ever again.

So, I wonder, if you sit and think about the initial question, “Have you ever been TRULY happy?”, first be honest with the part of the question that says “TRULY”.  Then try and tell me you’ve been there.  You’ll see things different when the rose-colored glasses are removed and you notice that everything is shit brown.

Blegh.

Weight loss update and a trip to the E.R.

It’s turning into a monthly weigh in update, even though I am weighing in every week.

I have been at this for almost a year (May).  I’m officially in a size 8 and what I find funny is that according to the BMI charts, I guess a size 8 is considered OBESE because I’m STILL in the OBESE range of the BMI charts.

Those charts can kiss my ass.

Anyway, I really don’t even remember what I felt like this time last year, kind of.  I know what I looked like because I’ve seen the photos and I remember not being able to breathe going up 5 steps or trying to get through just ONE song on my Wii Just Dance (something that I don’t get slightly winded, even after about 10 songs).  I guess what I don’t remember is just being the old me.33ffee062ec7ee70a30d7342690db639

I am now at a weight I haven’t been since about 10 years ago.  And being that I’ve incorporated weight lifting (which I’ve been doing for about 6 months now) and power uphill walking and running, I am noticing muscles I never knew I had.  I’m getting some killer arms to, thanks to the weight lifting.

However, all this will not stop genetics….Last Tuesday, I called 911, on myself.

I had been feeling light headed all day when going from a sitting to standing position and I felt like I had an elephant on my chest.  I just ignored it, as I usually do, and went about my business.

That night, I go to bed then my stomach suddenly hurt, like knives were being pushed into my stomach.  I made my way to the bathroom but then started to realize that I was going to pass out.  I got cold, and not just like a “oh I’m cold” feeling.  It literally felt like my blood turned ice cold.

I really thought I was having a heart attack and I was going to meet Jesus.

Thinking that I do NOT want The Boy to get up, as he was asleep in my bed, in the middle of the night and trip over my unconscious or possibly dead body, I knew I had to contact someone before I gave up the ghost.

I called my mother and according to her, she said at one point I blacked out because I stopped talking and the phone went dead.  I do remember calling her but not hanging up with her and I only remember tid bits of calling 911 and I couldn’t give them my address nor the name of my apartment complex because I could barely speak.  Things were getting black and hazy.

I made it back to my bed and my limbs began to tingle.  Next thing I know, 4 or 5 firemen and paramedics are in my room.  They were talking to The Boy (who handled all of this wonderfully, I might add) and they even gave him a little fireman’s hat.  The paramedics took my blood pressure.  It was low. But my heart and lungs were fine.

thCAS942INFast forward, I take a trip in the Ambulance to the E.R. and spend the next few hours in a bed there while they take my blood, get urine samples, x-ray my chest and check my heart again, all of which were fine.

Diagnosis: The elephant I felt on my chest all day, was acid reflux.  Fantastic….

The episode I had of cold and numbness….a panic attack.   Even better….

So, I came to the conclusion that weight loss isn’t my only problem.  Apparently, it is genetic that digestion problems, such as acid reflux, runs in the family.  I am getting that checked.  Although I don’t know what triggered it because I eat NO fast food, NO fried and NO fatty.  I am monitoring what else may have done it.  I’ve been fine since then though.  That was a week and a few days ago.

A funny “what the hell is that story?!?” stemming from my paranoia of an E.R. visit.  A few days ago I was lying down in my bed, my hands were on my stomach.  I then stretched and my fingers felt this lump just to the right of my upper stomach.  I feel a bit more going “damnit what now?” and hoping I wasn’t growing a tumor.  Then I realized what I was feeling…..my ribs.

That’s right folks.  I have NEVER seen nor felt my ribs since I can’t even remember.  I would guess since I was a child?  But there they were, my ribs.  Of course, I was stretching so they were more visible but it was a laughable moment indeed.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

6 more lbs down!
Total: 66 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Weekly Weigh In – I’m back on track

I am back into my routine after a 6 lb gain over the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays.  The gain was mainly because I didn’t exercise for a long period of time due to my lower back going out and getting the flu at the beginning of December.  And of course the holiday goodies didn’t help.

I am just about back to the weight I was before the holidays and starting fresh.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

 4 lbs down!
Total: 60 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

 

Holidays Weigh In

Ugh..just ugh.  My last Weigh in post was here and it was a LONG time ago.  October 28th, to be exact.

This will qualify as a “Weigh In” entry but it will also qualify as a “oops..let’s get back on this train” plea to myself.  However, trying to stay on the bright side, this post is the first of all the weight loss posts I’ve been doing since May that is negative in the fact that I’ve gained weight back in the past 2 months.

I think one of the things I’ve come to HATE most about my eternal life of constant monitoring of food that goes in and exercise that goes out, is that the weight can ALWAYS come back and you better believe it will come back threefold.

I was hit with my first holiday season and tried very hard.  During Thanksgiving, I tried to keep away from the carbs and do more protein.  It kind of worked.

The first two weeks of December, I got the flu and my lower back went out forcing me to stop exercising.  Just last week, I’ve been back to 3-4 times a week on the treadmill and lifting weights.

Last night, realizing that I’m back in my exercise routine and fully recovered from my lower back pain (kinda) and the flu, I got on the scale in the work out room.  I was thrown back into reality.  According to that scale, I have gained 4 lbs since the beginning of November.

I have just returned from the Medical Clinic that started me on this road back in May and yes, the weight gain is 4 lbs.  I’ve adjusted my ticker to the right to reflect such and I will go from there.  I have paid for another 10 weeks of appetite suppressants and vitamin injections at the clinic and will kick start this again.  On the positive side, at least I’m starting at a much lower weight than 245 and puts me THAT much closer to my goal.

Success

Upon reflection though, in the past, when I’ve come to this certain fork in the road when I see the weight creeping back and the food takes over, usually what happens is I give up.  The weight returns and then about 40 more lbs follow it.  That is how I reached 245 in the first place.

I looked at those numbers, realizing, it’s only FOUR lbs.  However, over time, 4 can easily turn into 40.  I will not allow this.  I know me.  If I allowed myself to get fat again, that would be the end of my mental state, my energy, my motherhood and life on many levels.  I know me….gaining it back, would kill me on the inside and work it’s way out.

This weight loss has opened up my eyes to so many things and not just on the “looks” part of it or fitting into a size 8 for the first time in…well ever!  My health is the best it’s been in years,  my monthly visitor is MUCH more manageable (believe me, that in itself is enough to not falter.  I dreaded Aunt Flo every month and the mess she always created).

The bottom line is…I will not let food win.  I will not let the little peanut butter and chocolate squares sitting just inches from my desk right now, win.  I have a divorce court date coming up in either February or March (more on THAT in another post) and I will NOT let my ex-husband or even my divorce attorney see a defeated and fat single mother.

Most importantly, God did NOT imbue in me the strength I’ve mustered since May to lose 60 lbs just to waste it away and gain it back.  I’m tired of disappointed God and I’m sure He’s tired of it to.  Sometimes, I feel it’s the only thing I can give back to Him since I tend to hold grudges on His choices on how my life is going BUT that is another post as well.

On the more selfish side, my sister has lost 10 lbs since she started at a medical clinic for weight loss and I CAN’T let her win!  I mean that in healthy good competition.  For the first time in years….I have the upper hand in our relationship and I’m winning.  In the past, she always won everything from earning our parents love more to buying her own home and everything in between.  In this, I WON…and it will stay that way.  Besides, my weight loss encouraged her to start her own weight loss and she really needed it.  I believe her mental state about herself was worse than me and what made it worse is that she held it all in and puts up so many wallsthat even I, her sister, can’t punch through them.  Weight loss would benefit her even more than me.

For the first time, ever, in the battle of my fat that began when I was 12 years old….I AM IN FUCKING CONTROL.

Oh look at that…I’m still alive…

I guess now would be as good a time as ever to write up the world’s longest update post.

The end of 2013 is proving to be full of twists and turns and even loop holes.  I will break it down into a few different sections, more to satisfy my OCD than anything else.  So without further adieu, the last few months of my existence, broken down into categories and in no particular order, (I warned you all about my OCD right?).

Divorce

There is never an easy or 1, 2, 3 type divorce.  Although I will admit, my divorce 10 years ago went as much in my favor as it could have, especially compared to other divorces.  However, I knew the day would come when I would have to dish out another chunk of money to get what I needed.  That day has come.

As of this week, I borrowed a nice chunk of money from my parents and I have put down a huge retainer to re-hire my previous divorce attorney to re-open my case from 2005.  The decision to do this was prompted because I realized that my ex-husband makes a lot more money now than he did back in 2005 and I make a lot less than I did back in 2005. child-support-image-624x499

My attorney, after roughly looking at our incomes, feels I should be getting double of the child support that I’m currently receiving.  The main thing going against my ex-husband is that he has 0% time with The Boy.  He hasn’t seen him in almost 9 years.  I am 100% full custodial parent, therefore, all expenses, on a 24/7 basis, come out of my pocket.

If all goes well, instead of $496 monthly child support I currently get, my attorney is going to see I get close to $1300 a month.

That amount is according to my yearly income and my ex-husband’s yearly income.  That number is not me wanting to clean my ex out….it is based on our incomes, nothing more.

That is how much MORE he makes than me, yet I have The Boy 100%.

Sounds friggin’ fair to me!!!

Money

Rose Smith: Money. I hate, loathe, despise and abominate money.

Mr. Alonzo Smith: You also spend it.

—Quoted from “Meet Me in St. Louis”

money22Money can prove to be another love/hate relationship that I have developed.  I hate that life in general depends on it.  For the past few months, I’ve been seriously living paycheck to paycheck, as I’m sure all of America is.  However, my last resort is moving back in with my parents and in all honestly, I would rather slit my wrists that do that again.  Nothing against them, we just cannot live together, it can’t happen.

I also hate that I don’t have enough money to enjoy life.  And don’t tell me “oh you can enjoy life without money”.  It’s a lie.  Sure I can go for a walk or take The Boy to a park but does it cost gas to drive anywhere? Yup.  And maybe the walk would cost nothing, until someone gets hungry or wants ice cream.

Then, don’t get me started on how I can’t keep food in my fridge at all.  Remember, I eat nothing.  Some nights, my dinner consists of a bowl of corn flakes or 2 hard boiled eggs.  That kid is eating me out of house and home and still demands more.

That is why I am taking my ex-husband back to court (see above).  I mean sure I could live in the ghetto and my kid could go to the worst school in the state but I’m going to try everything I can to keep off of welfare and keep out of the ghetto.  Call me a snob if you want but that is just how I was raised.  No free hand outs and all options must have been tried before it becomes dire straits.

It all keeps adding up though.  My car also needs about $1000 of work done and I have the warning lights popping up left and right.  I need all new tires as the ones I have are apparently balding.  I need new brakes and a couple of other things. But it all added up to well over $1000.

I’m hoping that I can squeeze as much out of my tax refund in February as I can to pay back my parents for the divorce attorney retainer and get my car fixed and then, that leads me to…

The Cat

As I posted back in October, my cat spent three nights in the hospital due to Kidney failure and dehydration.  They were able to get him into much better shape and I took him home.  Since then, I’ve gone out of my way every month to get his supply of Renal LP food directly from the vet and he has been doing fine.  I was told he might need about $600 of dental work done at a later date.IMG_20131210_222227

The past few days, he has been doing the gagging thing while he eats, again.  I believe it is due to his teeth.  I was hoping, being that he is 5 years old and half way through his life, I would be able to get through the next 5 or so years with no problems.  That is what I get for thinking.

There is no way I can afford another $600 of dental work and the two credit cards I have are already maxed out what with having to squeeze money from my ass to pay for my divorce attorney.  I am no longer getting approved for any more credit so I’m at my credit card cap.

I’m going to play it by ear and try and mush up his food as best as I can to get him to eat without gagging.  He also needs to learn not to scarf down his food, even though he is an animal, he can’t eat like one or he chokes.  I’m hoping just mushing his food and giving him little bits will help him eat slower.  But he is a stubborn cat….if he starts to associate the food with him gagging, he won’t go near it and he can’t, nor will he, eat any other store brand food.  The food I give him now is a vet prescription for his Renal failure.  He could go back to starving himself again.

I don’t even want to think about losing that cat…damn him…I love him so much.

Ugh..moving on…

Health

Meh, the end of November/beginning of December was tough.  I didn’t exercise much because of Thanksgiving cutting into my routine and of course Thanksgiving provided plenty of food to eat but I tried to steer clear of carbs and just eat turkey, lots of turkey.

Then the week after Thanksgiving, my lower back when out and I got the flu. I was out of work for 2 days last week.  I just need a really long deep tissue massage because the amount of stress and pain that is piercing my back and neck daily is almost enough to make me scream.  But how much does a massage cost? and oh..that’s right, I have NO husband to lightly rub my back for me so, a simple massage is in my dreams.  I’m still waking up with no strength in my lower back to even sit up.  I also believe alot of it is my sciatica because the twinging pain goes down both my legs pretty much all day.  I’m just living with it.

thSo day by day I endure the physical pain and just smile and nod so everyone thinks I’m holding it together when in essence, I just want to rip my spine out and pop it back into place.

But that takes me into….

Weight

375x321_lose_weight_fast_how_to_do_it_quickly_ref_guideAh, here is another part of my daily existence I have to constantly be thinking about.  I must monitor all that goes into my pie hole.  Actually, I don’t mind doing that and the My Fitness Pal app really helps out with monitoring food intake versus exercise output.  It is when I lack exercise that I start to feel my muscles that I’ve worked so hard on developing, start to deflate like a pierced balloon.

However, I have managed to maintain my weight and the total loss of 62 lbs.  I’ve gained nothing even though I haven’t been on the appetite suppressants for over a month and haven’t been to visit the clinic for the injections due to me needing to pay a balance to start up another 10 weeks of visits.  So in essence, I can do it on my own.  But I still have at least 30 more to lose before I get to the “on my own completely” point with only visits to the clinic for the vitamin injections and maintenance.  However, I just bought a size 8 pair of pants making me officially down 10 pants sizes since April, from a size 18 to the now size 8.

And guess what?  According to the BMI charts, I’m still in the “Obese” category so apparently a size 8 is obese.  The BMI charts can kiss my size 8 ass.

Dating

I broke down and paid for a membership on Christian Mingle.com  I haven’t been on there long enough to really establish my opinions about it but on the surface, it seems like there are a lot less crazies there than Match or any of those free places.  Those free sites are scary. Uh, yeah…I think my opinion is starting to become established.  So called “Christian”‘ men are just as much ass holes and jerks as any other man, if not worse.

I really just can’t move in a positive direction in the dating category.  I have a condition that doesn’t allow me to deal well with men who are sarcastic, egotistical and want only one thing.  Then throw in someone who thinks they are better than you in every way, and I’m done.

I have better things to do.

The Boy

One of my favorite movies

One of my favorite movies

I really can’t put my finger on what kind of relationship I have with The Boy.  There are parts of his personality that are coming out that I really do not like.  He argues way to friggin’ much.  He also gets way to moody and in a stinky attitude if he doesn’t get his way.  I’ve taken to just sending him to his room when he gets the pouting face and stinky attitude if he doesn’t get what he wants.  I don’t even want to see him.  Then, minutes later, he comes out all wanting hugs and cuddles and I’m like “really kid?”.  I’m telling you, he is bipolar.

Then again, he comes from me and I’m riding the roller coaster of emotions sometimes.  However, ungratefulness is something I won’t tolerate and I think I spoil him.  He is becoming greedier and greedier each Christmas and that just doesn’t sit well with me.  It reflects off of me and makes me look pretty bad.  But I have to remember, I am fighting more “Nature” than anything and he still has his father’s assholery genetics.  I spend a lot of my energy trying to erase genetics and that may be a losing battle.

But damn did I make a good looking human.  My kid is so handsome!

The Family

Ah, my family.  I find it truly interesting to love and despise someone, at the same time.  My mother, I just don’t know what to feel about her sometimes.  I think I need to just makes friends with the fact that it is just what it is.  She and my father took money out of my father’s retirement to give to me to retain my divorce attorney (see above) and if I hadn’t been given that money I wouldn’t have been able to move forward with changing my child support.  For that, I love them both.Funny-eCards-9

But sometimes, she just needs to learn to keep her mouth shut.  However, in her defense, we all kind of do.  I know I tend to have foot in mouth disease on occasion.

My sister, she is on the losing weight bandwagon now which is an even bigger motivation for me to stay at a weight below her.  She has also joined a medical clinic as I have and takes the appetite suppressants and tries to cut out carbs.  She has lost about 10 lbs so far.  I really hope that this is the breaking point for her as it has been for me.  I hope that she tells herself to never go back and sure, we may falter and eat one to many pieces of pizza but we get back on track.  She needs to get a hold of her body more than me because her weight really brings her down desperately and she really becomes very scary to be around and her depression becomes palpable.

We cancelled the Montana trip on Christmas week to visit my other sister.  It was going to be to expensive and time consuming and I really couldn’t take that much time off work but more importantly, there was NO way I was taking a 3 day/3 state driving trip with my mother, father and sister.  I would have run us off the road just to end the anguish.

Depression

I have moments where I feel I have failed at just about every aspect of my life.  I failed at my marriage 10 years ago.  I failed at being able to support my child and myself financially because I’m living paycheck to paycheck and sometimes not even with enough in a paycheck.  I feel I’ve failed to work on myself so that I could attract a decent male to accompany me in this journey of life.  I really think there is just something wrong with me which is why I don’t have a man.  It’s not my weight because I don’t have that issue anymore.  I thought I was just plain ugly which could still be the case but maybe, I just have a rotten personality, which is why I attract absolutely no one which explains why I don’t have a husband or friends.  Or it could be that men are jerks (see Dating section above).thCAROPVN4

I’m not confirming that is the case, I’m just throwing out theories because I just don’t know but this is where the depression stems from.

I’m going to be brutally honest here but, sometimes, I get so lonely that if there was a sharp object or even gun around, I can say that I would not be writing this post at all…it would be over.  I think it comes to that point because of the type of person I am.  I crave affection and human touch.  I haven’t had an adult hug me, that wasn’t my parents or sisters, in the past 10 years.

DID YOU READ THAT…10 YEARS!  It’s like my soul is dying inside of this shell of flesh I walk around in.  But I don’t give in because I just keep thinking, “Who would take care of my son”.  I mean if something did happen to me, my sister would step forward and even though we disagree on a lot, there are aspects of raising children we do agree on and I can trust to her follow my footsteps.  But I wouldn’t be there.

Damn Satan and his invention of Depression.

But then I move onto…..

Things I’m looking forward to….

Christmas, although this year, I really haven’t been feeling the cheer of it all.  Mainly that is because of the lack of funds for all the big things The Boy wants but then I get annoyed at his greediness and selfishness sometimes.  But it could also be because I’m just plain alone.  I have no one to share any of the season with, other than The Boy but that is not the same.  I put up all my decorations all alone and I sit, each night, looking at my tree, all alone.  It all really just makes me so depressed.

However, I do love this season.  I love that it gets cold (even though, as I get older I realized the cold does a nasty number on my bones).  I love seeing all the decorations and lights go up on houses and driving at night to see them.

There are also some fantastic movies coming out.  Saving Mr. Banks is #1 on my must see list, along with The Hobbit and Madea’s Christmas.  I enjoyed Thor immensely and really like the whole storyline and the tie up with all the Avengers and Shield.  Yeah, I’m a nerd like that but I love it.

Olaf-In-Frozen-Movie-HD-WallpaperI also saw Frozen and actually really enjoyed it.  My favorite character was Olaf, the talking snowman who likes warm hugs and longs to spend a day warm in the sun on the beach…poor delusional snowman.  There was one scene where he had me laughing long after the scene was over.  I haven’t laughed like that in so long it felt good.  I loved him so much, the next day I went to the Disney outlet and got me an Olaf plushie of my own.  I give him warm hugs.

Foremost……God

Ah yes, that omnipresence that hovers over me telling me not to give into sin and temptation yet insists I endure day after day of temptaion and sin topped with lonely heart ache.  The Good Lord is also turning out to be another love/hate relationship with me.  I will never understand why He thinks my life of loneliness will ever prompt me to want to follow Him fully and purely, but on the other hand, I still do.tumblr_lqqtbpkVFB1qj065bo1_500

It’s also apparent that even though I’ve lost enough weight to be down 8 sizes He makes a point to show me that the weight wasn’t the problem.  The fact that I’m pretty much the plainest and to put it simply, ugliest person on the planet, keeps me from ever getting rid of my life of loneliness.  Of course, in all of this I’m using satire (so don’t start telling me I have some sort of self perception disorder) to get the point across but the point is, God wants me to be alone.

Thanks God.  Let’s just come to terms with the fact that You’ve pretty much left me to rot in a sea of loneliness and even though You’ve made sure to flaunt every single happy couple in front of me during this lonely holiday season, I will still follow You because it’s better to be lonely in this life of flesh than burning for eternity in the Lake of Fire.

Right???  *sigh*

Last but not least…

funny-birthday-ecards-15I found one thing that I do very well.  Getting old

On Dec 2nd I turned 37 years old.  Big Friggin’ Deal is what I say.  I am not growing old gracefully and hate that my youth is being wasted away in these lonely, terribly lonely years I have to look forward to.  So my birthday is just a reminder of the day that this lonely life of mine began.   I could care less about it.

I think that all just about covers it.

It’s been a long time…..

It’s been a long time…with a lot going on.

On the weight front, I have not returned to the clinic nor am I taking the appetite suppressants at the present.  It has been tough to not eat anything and everything all the time.  I haven’t gained anything as I’m still exercising 4-5 times a week including weight lifting (my arms are getting muscles and the bat wings are disappearing) but I can see it creeping back over time if I don’t watch what I’m putting into my mouth.  I’ve consumed more chocolate and Almond Roca than I care to admit.  I will be returning to the clinic this Friday to sign up for another 10 weeks as I still need to get down another 40 pounds.  I need to get started on the medications again and get my vitamin shots.  But I am at a total of 60 pounds lost.  I am really going to have to get in the proper disciplined mind set for the upcoming food frenzied holidays.

Family drama is at its best, as usual.  What I have come to find is that if outside elements such as certain horrible skeletons in the closet and the sister’s of my mother, would not stick their claws into my mother’s, my sister’s and my life, we would actually be fine.  I’m just plain sick of it all.  However, my mother and I still disagree on a lot and we have nasty blow outs (this last Saturday being one which ended in her mocking my lonely depression pain by playing a “violin” and saying “whoa is me” and me tell her “fuck you”….yeah…it was ugly) BUT we always return to each other and unspoken apologies are…well…unspoken and I’ll accept an unspoken apology as opposed to no apology.

20131110_003758

Snickers

My cat is doing MUCH better.  He is my little Fuzzy Face and I love him SOOO much that it weirds me out how much I do!  He’s a brat though.  I got my Xmas tree up this past weekend and he was all over it playing with the ornaments but so far, nothing broken and he has since lost interest.

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My Christmas Tree

Speaking of getting my Xmas decorations, they are up.  I mean, sheesh, a local station is already playing Xmas music as I type this so what is wrong with getting my decorations up even before Thanksgiving.  I needed the holiday cheering up anyway and Xmas lights and Xmas songs will cheer me up every time.

I am still as lonely as ever.  I have, once again, come to the conclusions that I will never find a man to love me because of the horrific combination that I don’t trust men and that most are liars and cheats.  I know that sounds so cliché but I call it like I see it.  However, I’m taking the steps to get out of the overall lonely mode in general.  I’ve made friends with the parents of The Boy’s best bud in school.  I took both boys to the Ontario Fury Soccer game yesterday and it was fantastic!  The Boy is also going to be spending a day of Thanksgiving break with his friend so I get a night off.  It’s also nice to see a good, hard working family is a part of my kid’s life.

I am no longer going to Montana to visit my sister for Xmas.  The expense was going to be much but most of all, I couldn’t take a 3 days road trip with my mother and sister.  I know I would lose my mind and I know they would to, having to deal with me and my grumpy attitude sometimes.  Also, my car is not up to par.  I just had a quote of almost $1000 of work that needs to be done.  I had planned on going to San Francisco to the Walt Disney Museum over the Thanksgiving weekend but I had to fix my car and I couldn’t afford a rental.  So those repairs need to get done.

So, I’m taking that money I was going to spend and after sending out my niece and nephew their presents and getting all my other Christmas gifts (mostly gift cards), I’m getting a 3 day multi—pass to Disneyland and getting a hotel room nearby and spending the weekend after Xmas there.  I miss my Annual Pass tremendously (although I have a plan in the works on getting those back again) so I want to spend some time at my “Happy Place” and rejuvenate my smile again.

Other than that…I’m still here trekking along.

Weekly Weigh In – Changed things up a bit..

I did something different this time.  I did not check in at the clinic this past Friday.  My 10 weeks there are up and I will have to pay for another round of 10 weeks but, I think I’m just going to buy the medication separately, which i just take every other day now anyway, and just go in maybe twice a month for the Lipo injection.  I don’t know when I’m going back in though.  I’m tempted to buy another 10 weeks just to keep myself on track for the last 30 or 40 lbs I need to lose.

I did weigh myself on the scale in my apartment’s workout room Saturday morning and I was pleasantly shocked.

What were the results??

 4 lbs lost this week

Total: 59 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

I changed my work out just a bit.  I added another arm weight lifting routine because I am still working on these batwings that appeared.  I’m really hating them especially since I am lifting weights specifically on that target area.  Blegh.

I am also jogging more than just power walking.  I guess it worked because 4 lbs in a week is pretty good.

Weekly Weigh In – I’m officially at a plateau…..

*sigh*  This past Tuesday was probably the worse “binge” day I’ve had since starting this journey back in May.  Not only did I have way to much chocolate cake at work but I ate the In N Out fries my kid didn’t eat that night AND finished his strawberry shake.  And I didn’t work out that evening because that is the evening that I take The Boy to hockey lessons.

The next day, I felt like a weighed down beached whale.  I have to keep reminding myself I am no where NEAR the maintenance point yet, where I can binge every once in a while like that.  I still have a good 50 more lbs to drop.

What happened Tuesday, must never happen again.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

 Nothing this week 😦

Total: 55 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Once again, I have lost nothing.  So, I believe that I’m officially at a plateau.  Today, I lost nothing.  Last week, I lost 2 and the week before, I lost nothing.

And I feel that I have so much further to go.  I know that I’ve come so far but sometimes it seems that the end of this road is getting further and further away with each step of progression I achieve.  It’s such a weird psychological phenomenon.

I need to purchase another 10 weeks at the medical clinic but I may have to put that on hold as I need to find the money from somewhere.  I do want to keep getting the Vitamin injections.  I’m not one to be disciplined enough to take vitamins every day so getting the injections weekly is good for me.  I will have to see what I can do or how I can budget it since now, I owe my step-grandmother about $900 on her Care Credit card that paid for my cat’s hospitalization and meds.

One thing that I haven’t put up in a while is BMI

BMI at starting weight:

BMI 42

BMI at current weight:

BMI 32 190 lbs

I am amazed that I’m STILL in the “Obese” section.  I guess a size 10 is considered obese now?!

But that is what I’m talking about when I say this just seems like a VERY long road.  What weighs heavy on my mind is that I absolutely CAN NOT go back to being fat.  There is WAY to much at risk.  And in all honesty, I made it that way with this blog, with kind of  bragging to others about a significant weight loss.  I gain that all back and I’m just a loser.  I know, I’m not really, it’s just what my inner brain tells me.  So in a way, it’s GOOD that I’ve put myself in this place.  It holds me accountable and that is what is keeping my progression going.

More importantly, The Boy deserves a healthier mom.  I can’t let that kid down.

I must keep losing and stay on track.  There is more at stake here than just looks.  I need to figure out how to get out of this stagnant place.  I am literally 1 lb away from exiting another number milestone.  I might change up my exercise?  Or maybe just not binge on In N Out fries and Strawberry shakes…yeah THAT may be the answer!  Sheesh!

Weekly Weigh In – Hockey here I come!

That’s right!  It’s Hockey time!

Hockey games are now starting.  For those who didn’t follow my blog earlier this year, I go to A LOT of hockey games.  Not the L.A. Kings or Anaheim Ducks, as much as I would love to be able to go to those, but to an ECHL league housed just minutes from my apartment.  For more on that, read this.

I must say, I’m really excited to be back in those Suite or Ice seats, with all the usual fans around, and let them all see the new me.  I usually only take The Boy and we always have the same seats, either in a Suite box or front row, right next to the ice.  I can assure you, there are more men that sit near the ice than women.  I’m just sayin’….*wink*

We are going to a game tomorrow night, ice seats. Yay!

Two small observations…

1) I can actually CROSS my legs comfortably while sitting at my office desk, something I’ve NEVER been able to do.

2) I had to wear a belt with a pair of black dress pants.  Not only did I have to wear a belt, but I put on a belt that I couldn’t even get around my waist a few months ago, let alone actually buckle it to the second hole.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

2 more lbs down!

Total: 55 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Ok, back in business!  I didn’t exercise much this week due to the Kitty crisis.  However, I also had zero appetite because of my worry and stress over the Kitty crisis.  So, maybe it was a good thing I didn’t exercise because I may have emancipated myself!

However, I am almost out of another number range…..almost there!

Weekly Weigh In – Size 10’s, no comments and a clean bill of health!

Size 10’s

Well, I broke down and just went and bought size 10 dress pants.  Remember, this post where I was saying the size 12’s were way to droopy on me.  I got the size 10’s.  Now, granted, they are a bit tight in the waist area but I’m sure that won’t last for long.  The size 12’s were the same way and before a month was through, they just didn’t work anymore.

But they are SIZE 10’s!!!  I haven’t been a size 10 since 15 years ago and even then, I don’t think I was a size 10.  Maybe an 11-12. 🙂

People noticing….

I don’t know if it’s some sort of socially unacceptable practice to never notice or comment when someone has lost a very noticeable amount of weight.  I would think saying “wow…you’ve gotten fat” is A LOT worse than saying “wow..you’ve gotten skinny”.  But what do I know?  I’m socially dumb sometimes.

However, I would love it if people actually noticed by commenting.  I mean for all that is GOOD AND HOLY I’VE LOST FRIGGIN 53 POUNDS!  It has GOT to be showing in other peoples’ eyes!  I know I most certainly would not be offended in the least if comments were made.  Of course, the commenter may not know that I wouldn’t be offended, so I understand.

On the flip side, it’s interesting the messages that peoples’ eyes can give out when they notice something very different.  In some cases, such as my co-workers who have see me fat for almost a year, I can see in their eyes that they notice.  I guess that works for me.  And I know that when you see someone every day, as co-workers have, the change is slight compared to not seeing me for months on end and then see the drastic change from 5 months ago to today.

It would be nice if someone said something though.  But I guess I have to rely on the little kids for those kinds of observations.

Clean Bill of Health!

A month ago, I went to the doctor for a normal check up visit.  I actually hadn’t been to the doctor in years.  I was really expecting the worse regarding my ovaries.  Yesterday, I had my follow up appointment for the results of all the blood work, Mammo  and ovary ultrasound.

Apparently, I have a clean bill of health.  The doctor went over all my blood work numbers with me.  Cholesterol and sugar levels are perfect.  The Mammo was normal and my ovaries actual are normal size, not enlarged.  So it baffled me why I was in so much pain last week but I think some months the ovaries work more than other months.

I thought back and realized, never, in all my doctor visits, have I EVER had pretty much nothing wrong with me.  Either my ovaries were enlarged, or my blood work came back with possible Lupus or high cholesterol.

Considering that history, I can ONLY assume that the weight loss is the prime result of good numbers.  I mean, this is the most weight I’ve lost ever and for the longest amount of time.  What other assumption can I make?  The doctor was even a bit taken aback because I was in perfect health.

It’s bizarre really, because I’ve always been a sickly person, always in and out of the hospital for something.  Who’d a thought, fat was the culprit.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

0 more lbs down

Total: 53 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

For the first time, in exactly 5 months, today, I have lost nothing on my Weekly Weigh In.  In fact, I think the nurse recorded that I gained a pound simply because the scale kept jumping up one pound, down one pound and I think she just glanced at the scale when it was up one pound.  In reality, I gained like 3 ounces which probably wouldn’t have shown up had I peed before I weighed in.

I will admit, I am feeling disappointment at no loss, but after reading what I posted above, it’s all good.  I would still like to know what happened this week.  I don’t recall doing anything differently and have worked out 4 times this past week (Sunday-Thursday, except Tuesday).

But hey! A clean bill of health makes up for the disappointment.

I know this is getting long but I also have an interesting photo of me….

My mother found this photo in her iPad about a week ago.  When she showed it to me, the first thing I yelled out (yes I YELLED it out) was “NEVER AGAIN!”  And being that we were in a Japanese Restaurant at the time, I got looks.

This photo was taken in April of this year, 2013.  It was in front of my church and it was with my kid, sister, father and aunt (who I’ve cut out but were all to the right of me in the photo).

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245 lbs

Each time I look at it I want to yell out over and over “NEVER AGAIN!!!”  and believe me folks…I look NOTHING and I mean NOTHING like that photo.

My face, there are no more multiple chins and I wear makeup now.

My stomach doesn’t look like I’m 8 months pregnant.

Those jeans…I think those jeans were given to Goodwill about 2 months ago.  Those were the jeans that fell off me once and got me to start stocking up on the smaller sizes just for motivation.  Sizes that I have since worn and some sizes I have since also given to Goodwill or traded in for smaller (see Size 10 comments above).  The top I’m wearing in that photo is long gone to.  It was purchased at a store called Torrid, for plus sizes.  The thing started hanging on me so much that I could practically wear it as a dress.  I gave that to the Goodwill as well, along with all the other 2X tops I had.

Screw the woman in that picture.  That woman looks tired, haggard and way older than she really is.  That woman was sad and depressed and on her way to diabetes and heart failure.

Lord Almighty I don’t even know WHO that woman is!  But I can assure you that I never want to see her again!

“Man, she got SKINNY!”

It’s been a long time but here is yet another Tarantino’d posts……..

“Man, she got skinny!!!”

Why did The Boy tell me the above….

Let’s go back…..Let’s go back….

I had completely forgotten to blog this experience.  It was one of the highlights of my weight loss journey and it comes from a small child.  The children are so innocent….yet VERY honest and that is what makes them brilliant!

A few Friday’s ago, I had picked up The Boy early from after school care.  I pulled into the parking lot and being that it was early, no cars were there.  They were on the field and he saw me pull up.  I got out, waved at him and got right back in the car to await his arrival.

Upon entering the car he told me his classmate asked him if that was his mother, waving at him from the parking lot.  He said yes and then his classmate said to him “Man, she got SKINNY!”

Kids are truly straight forward, blunt and honest humans.

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Weekly Weigh In – A MARATHON?!?!

It’s time to break away from that which is dealing with Bags of Douches.  Onto bigger and better things!

I have decided, to train for a 5K marathon.  My sister and I will be signing up for one happening in November.  WTF?!?!?  I am a person who HATED running/jogging in any type of fashion and now, I’m gonna do a marathon!  It’s like worlds have opened up  that I never knew could exist for me.

My only regret is that I spent my whole life under a cloud of “I can’t” and had to hit a mid life epiphany to get out of it.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

4 more lbs down!

Total: 53 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

*sigh*

My sister…I love her to death but she is so stubborn.  I now way a lot less than she does for the first time in our lives.  She is stuck on this “fad” 3 day diet things where she eats pretty much a cube of cheese and crackers all day to supposedly lose like 10 pounds in 3 days.  It’s ridiculous because she just gains it right back after the 3 days and that can’t be healthy doing crash diets like that.  Then she tells me “Hey, Jenny Craig is having a deal where you can come back and get discounted food.”

Really? Why on EARTH would I go back to Jenny Craig when I’ve lost the most weight I’ve ever lost in my life ON MY OWN and without paying stupid Jenny Craig for the their stupid over priced pre-packaged meals!

I keep telling her “cut out the carbs and fast food…you are really denied nothing and can learn to make better choices.”  Nope, she thinks she knows best and wonders why she isn’t down much.  I just slam my head against the brick wall and hope she will get her epiphany soon….that is if she really wants it.

Hey! No Fair!!

The Daily Prompt today hit WAY to close to home.  So much so, that I felt obligated to write about it.

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Daily Prompt: No Fair

Tell us about something you think is terribly unfair — and explain how you would rectify it.

I guess I find it hard to actually utter the words “That is NO FAIR!” without sounding like a spoiled little 5 year old.  However, all the time there are situations that are just simply, not fair.

514_230x230_NoPeelI recently gave the proverbial finger to God regarding this unfairness and then became afraid I might be smite down with His vengeance.  I wasn’t.  Instead, I was presented with a possible positive answer from Him regarding my loneliness but upon further inspection, it’s just another dead end and once again, I’ve had the carrot dangled in front of me and I followed like a dumb donkey.

Just last night, after this realization that I’m a fool for trying, I actually spent the evening, during my workout, during my shower, grooming after my shower and while watching T.V., either uttering or thinking the words “It just isn’t fair” while I intermittedly cried.

I work DAMN hard to be able to house and take care of myself and my son, on my own, with little help from family and NO help from his father, my ex-husband, except some money monthly.  As of lately, I’ve been working DAMNED hard to get 50 lbs off my body and still losing!  I look much more appealing to the eyes now.  As superficial as that is, it is the truth.  I think, it’s not fair that I run my ASS off on a daily basis on a stupid treadmill, don’t eat any of the sweets I enjoyed before to be able to lose the most weight I’ve ever lost, only to be over looked, yet again, by ANY man’s eye, just as if I was fat all over again!  I had a prospect (the “carrot” I speak of above) but it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.  I thought it was, but I was fooling myself.  I was, once again, over looked.

According to all that is fair, I have nothing to offer anyone.  If that is true, then that is beyond sad.

When does it become MY turn to be happy?

When does it become MY turn to have love?

When does it become MY turn to enjoy myself?

The-Nothing-2In the end, it isn’t fair that my ex-husband, who left his only son and never looked back, gets to have multiple relationships while I stay single and probably, eventually, an old maid, while I put all my energy into raising HIS son and continuously put my own needs to the side.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my son more than anything on the earth but the loneliness……there are some moments it gets so bad I feel like walls of blackness are caving in on me, shutting me in and I can’t breathe and I think The Nothing is finally here to take me.

I mean WHAT THE HELL!

It just isn’t fair.

Fine! Then what would I do to make it fair?

I honestly don’t know.  I know life isn’t fair and that is just how it is.  It just seems that the unjust and wicked are getting the upper hand and maybe they are.  I just have to tell myself that I am the one who is the better person for sticking around, raising and loving my child, even if my ex-husband didn’t want to.  I have to tell myself I am the one who wins a few more moments of life with every pound I lose and not just to get a man to love me.

So, in essence what isn’t fair can also be seen as what I win by working hard and when I feel lonely at the end of the day because my life has lead me down a friendless and loveless road, I just have to remind myself that my goals are being accomplished.

Even if no one else cares.

Weekly Weigh In – Droopy Drawers!

The dilemma of the dropping pants continues.

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My size 12 Apt 9 dress pants that I bought only a month ago, are no longer looking “fit”.  I’m VERY glad I didn’t get the size 14’s!  I’m getting the “bag lady” droopy pants effect again like I was experiencing with the size 18’s a few months ago.  I seem to be losing A LOT of hips and thighs much faster than my middle.  That is probably because I’m jogging.  I may have to occupy my Step-Grandmother to take the legs in a bit of my 4 pairs of size 12’s only because, I paid good money for them and didn’t get them at Goodwill.  And they are in perfect condition.  I think I could wear them a bit more if they are just taken in a bit.

Yesterday, I put on my size 14 black dress pants, not thinking at all that they were 14’s as I thought that I got rid of all the pants that were 14 and above and I spent the entire day trying to keep them up.  I giggled to myself.

I did get into a pair of 10/11 Skinny jeans I got from the Goodwill a few months ago that were sitting on the top of my closet shelf, just waiting.  They actually look really DAMNED good!

But hey!  I now have something in common with the Kia Soul Hamsters!

Fun times…..

Anyway, what were today’s results??

4 more lbs down!

Total: 49 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

*SIGH* it is done…..

I am no long seeing a number 2 on that scale.  I knew it was coming even if it was a long time coming but it is a phenomenal feeling to see it actually happen.  So I’m officially done with the 200’s.

What is also phenomenal is this feeling, in my heart and my mind, that I’m so excited and I smile a lot.  I have been known to tweet lately that nothing tastes as good as this smile on my face feels or the endorphins released after jogging.  THAT is what makes that chocolate cake that tries to tempt me look like a big pile of horse dung!

What do I and the Kia Soul Hamsters have in common?

Apparently, I have a lot in common with the Kia Soul Hamsters, as of lately.

They are working out pretty hard….

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They are spending more time at the “salon”

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All this to get an awesome result!

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As much as I hate the look of these Kia Soul cars, I would over look that and get one JUST because I love these hamsters!

Weekly Weigh In – This is TORTURE!

I guess I lost weight in my…feet?

img-thingI have a pair of wedges from Sketchers that are comfortable and I’ve been wearing them constantly.  To give those Sketchers wedges a break, the other day, I decided to pull out my old black low heels that look like this.

They were always my favorite and fit good, in the past.  I go to put them on and they are WAY to big.  Now, I mean noticeably big.  Almost like I bought them a size to big or something.  It was a bizarre phenomenon but amusing all the same.

Also, today is a “how many needles can I get poked with” day.  I got my mega shot at the clinic an hour ago, the four B-6’s pricks, and in 2 hours, I head down to the blood lab to get blood samples taken.  My latest doctor visit sent me away with the paperwork to get all kinds of blood tests done.  I think he’s checking for diabetes and lupus (among other things) as those run in my family.

Fun times…..

Anyway, what were today’s results??

2 more lbs down!

Total: 45 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

OH MY GOSH!!!!!!

It’s a slow travel down and past the 200 lb mark.  I am exactly 200 lbs.  I just want to see 199 for crying out loud!  However, I have not weighed 200 since about 10 years ago, just after I lost my pregnancy weight.  So, I’m not unsatisfied at all.

Also, I have never liked that my body looks less than what the numbers on the scale really say.  According to the scale, this is 200 lbs:

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I am inclined to disagree!

Or I hold the weight very well proportionally.

Or I’m just an anomaly!  I don’t know!

Weekly Weigh In – My first “good” picture

I had a cousin visiting from Chicago so there was a family lunch at my sister’s condo this past Sunday.  Of course, lots of photos were being taken and I refused to look at any of them, as I have always refused to look at the photos I’m in because I knew what I looked like and that I wouldn’t like it.

On Sunday, I was finally convinced to look at one and lo and behold…I looked DAMN GOOD!

I couldn’t contain my joy and was jumping up and down at how I had NO waist and NO thighs in this photo.  Well, compared to photos I’ve taken about 5 months ago.  My family, on my father’s side, tend to be very fat and over eat a lot.  My cousin, who just had a baby, had about 4 or 5 slices of pizza (big Costco pizza slices at that!) and my cousin from Chicago ate twice as much.  My aunts and uncle are the same.  Not to mention the chips and dip, the chocolate chip cookies and pound cake that was served.  I refused to eat any of the pizza that was being served and made a be-line for the fruit and cucumbers.

So as boastful or “high horse” as it may sound, I was inside rejoicing that I can, and will, fight genetics that is imbued into my DNA and could very well be the best looking cousin in my family brood.

I also was able to pull and zip up another size 11/12 skinny jeans that were in my closet.

Lots of victories this week 🙂

Anyway, what were today’s results??

 1 more lb down!

Total: 43 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Meh…I’m hitting a stand still again.  I’m back to 1 or 2 lbs a week, which actually isn’t bad just something I’m not used to.  Still, in the 4 months I’ve been doing this, the scale has been constantly going down, never maintain or going up.  That is a good thing!

I passed my “half way” point according to the clinic I weigh in at and that monitors my vitals.  They have my goal at 168 lbs, however we all know I’m going way below that if I can.  But since that is the goal they set for me, to them, I have passed my half way mark.  Therefore, I got a new sheet for step two of their plan:

Step 2

Oh so NOW I can eat fruit?! Uh..oops…been eating fruit since the very beginning of all this.  This only solidly establishes my theory of “to each their own”.  Every body is different and fruit (or the carbs in it), never hurt me one bit.  In fact, I’m enjoying a Razzamatazz from Jamba Juice as I type this, although it is a bit sweet and I probably won’t finish it.

Oh wait…so NOW I can exercise to?! Uh…oops again.  I have been doing that solidly 4-5 times a week for the last 3 months.

Haha!

Weekly Weigh In – I’m Batman!

Yup, I’m Batman

woman-arm-bat-wings-400x400For some reason, I have developed batwings.  I don’t know if it was because I had so much to lose but now I have them.  I have been doing arm lifting with weights but I need to work on the bat wings.  Maybe switch the type of lifting I do?  I think it can be fixed though because the stomach flap that I had a few months ago is starting to disappear.  So that gives me hope.

My neck can crack

cartoon-crack-drugs Now, I don’t know if this one has anything to do with the weight loss but I was NEVER able to crack my neck.  Now, I can turn it and get a good set of popping.  I know that I’ve read popping the neck might not be the best thing to do but sometimes it really relieves some tension and just feels like it loosens things up.  I carry all my stress in my neck and upper back area.  So, my neck just feels looser and more able to move freely.  Maybe the fat was blocking the free movement?

Uh..what is THAT?!

As I was rubbing my shoulder one evening I started to feel…..something.  I instantly got worried because it was a HUGE bump and I started to make my way to the phone to make an appointment for the doctor.  After thinking about it and then looking at my back in the mirror I realized exactly what I was touching…..

It was my shoulder bone!  I kid you not…I had no idea what it felt or looked like because there had been so much fat covering it, or so I’m assuming.  I laughed at myself into the mirror for a while.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

  2 more lbs down!

Total:  42 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Maybe it’s not the weight?

I can’t even get a date with a 400 lb guy from match.com.  Let me explain a bit what I mean by this.

I have just been getting the feeling that maybe it isn’t the weight that was keeping me “unattractive”.  What the weight was doing was forcing me into an early grave.  I was looking at a future with diabetes (runs in the family), and I could barely breath or move quickly.

When I start to think about this I think of the phrase that goes something like this “weight can be lost but you can’t lose ugly.”

Apparently, that is the tagline to my life.

Man A

Referring back to the date with the 400 lb guy.  I will admit, I was desperate for some human interaction that wasn’t with my kid or my family.  So I contacted a guy I had met on match.com about 2 years ago.  When I met him then, there really wasn’t any connection at all but I let it continue and we have been interacting every once in a while over the past two years so it wasn’t really out of the blue that I contacted him.  I just asked if he wanted to go get a drink or something.  He agreed, only to text me the day before that he had to cancel, reason unknown.

Man B

There is a father that I’ve seen every day when I drop off The Boy at school in the morning.  He drops off his daughter, who is also in The Boy’s class, and his son.  We sign the in/out sheet at the same time just about every morning.  He’s dressed in business office attire so I’m making the assumption he works in an office type environment.  I have seen no ring on his finger as just yesterday morning, I was able to get a good look because we both reached for the same pen to sign the in/out sheet (he has some amazing smooth white hands to, I’m a sucker for soft hands).  I’ve also never seen the kids dropped off by a mother/woman.  On the flip side, I know men don’t wear wedding rings much anymore and the mother could work early mornings.a-secret-crush

Still, this man I find SUPER and secretly, attractive.

The reason I mention this man I run into every morning at The Boy’s school is because it made me think.  If I can’t even get a 400 lb short ugly guy who has a part time fast food job and lives with his grandmother (Man A), to go out with me, what makes me think that this man who is good looking and obviously has a job at an office (Man B), or any others in his category, would give me the time of day?

I thought that my body and the fat was the problem but as of lately, that isn’t the problem anymore because I have shaped up rather nicely.  I think it’s my Plain Jane looks.  I have been thinking of trying out different things.  I spend a lot of money on the natural beer based shampoo that does wonders for my hair, along with the conditioner.  I’m making an appointment with the eye doctor in hopes that I can get my eyes used to contacts again (although I’m not hopeful since they itch every time I use them) because I think wearing glasses takes away from my face.  I’m even going to get eye lash extensions because I actually can’t wear makeup (eyeliner, mascara, etc.) which I am also allergic to.  Well, either allergic or it just irritates my eyes so that they water incessantly and I can’t keep the makeup from running all over.

This all just seems like so much work and money.  I have never been one to put a lot of work and money into things like eyelash extensions, hair straighten and the like.  I just wished that I could just drop this weight and be done, but apparently there is more to it.

Now don’t get me wrong.  It’s not like I don’t have the proper hygiene regimen.  I really just don’t like the “foo-foo” aspects of being a women.  I don’t have a closet full of high heels and short skirts nor do I shop at Sephora.

I’m just a Plain Jane and apparently Plain Jane’s don’t get Man B and from how things are going with me, not even Man A (refer above).

It could also be my personality.  I really don’t take much B.S. and sometimes say it like it is but not in a disrespectful way.  Let me create this analogy:

I’m like that mean barking snarling dog that is lying in the middle of a ditch with their leg broken and is being approached by a human.  The dog is in pain and seeing this strange human coming towards them.  The dog is going to bark and snap because the dog doesn’t know that the human is trying to save her.

The human gets a hold of the dog, but not after the dog might have snapped at him, maybe even drew blood.  The human calms the dog with treats, toys, soft scratching behind the ears.  The dog is now calm and the human can attend to the dogs wounds.

The dog heals and is the humans’ most loyal, loving and attached companion, fighting only for the human who never leaves their side.  In return, the human showers love and affection on the dog. Forever and ever and EVER!cute-puppy-pictures-true-love

That is me in a nutshell.

Or maybe that is my fairy tale?

Regardless, it could very well be that many men just simply do not want to get past the first stage of this analogy, the snapping dog.

This is all so sad because I know I have so much to give and I’m dying inside.

Weekly Weigh In – Things don’t hurt

My feet don’t hurt anymore

There was a time when I would go to Disneyland on a Friday night with The Boy and get there around 6:30 and by 9:00, sometimes even 8:00, my feet were killing me.  And I’m not talking about “oh my feet ache a little”…no it would be I literally can’t walk or stand.  I distinctly remember one night where I couldn’t even walk back to the car only after walking around the parks for a little bit.  I would have to constantly be sitting down to rest them.  When I finally got home, I would have to lay down and elevate them on a pillow or they would get REALLY puffy the next morning.  I also remember how exhausted I would get.

On Saturday, I went to the parks by myself.  I had my music on my phone, my earbuds in and I was walking.  At one point, I was walking so fast I realized I had just walked from one end of the park to the other.  I, of course, stopped to ride something and eat, but for the most part, I walked from the time I got there around 4pm until I left at 11pm.  I didn’t feel one ounce of exhaustion.  And I even danced at Mad T Party!

It really makes you wonder how much strain and stress weight can put on feet and even the knees, hips and back.

Size 12’s

I have finally gotten into a size that I haven’t been since before I was pregnant, 10 years ago.  I did post about it but now, after wearing the pants and working them in, I’m even wondering if I should have gotten the 10’s!  They are loose after a few hours of wearing them.  But I’ll wait until they are falling off like my 16’s were.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

 2 more lbs down!

Total: 40 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

BMI is the same as last week so I’ll skip it.

The mother of all shots hurt today.  I usually get all my injections in my arm but with this one, I may have to switch to getting the shot in my backside.  It made my whole arm throb for an hour after getting the shot and it was really swollen at the injection site.

I will admit I was a little disapointed to only see the 2 lbs as I’m so close to getting out of the 200’s and espiecally after last weeks weigh in of 8 lbs lost, but I have to remember, last week’s weigh in was after a month.  So, 2 lbs a week is a steady loss.

Big pants = No

I realized, upon looking into my closet, that I was down to one pair of work dress pants and one pair of jeans that actually fit me.  Anything else that was in my closet, in the category of pants, no longer stayed on me, even when buttoned.  However, it was after my pants literally FELL off at work (luckily this was in my office and no one saw), I realized, it was a necessity to get more.

So, off to Kohl’s I went because I had some Kohl’s cash to spend. kohlscash

I bribed The Boy that if he let me look for and try on clothes, I would buy him something.  I was still rushed by his moaning and groaning but he got a nice looking watch out of the trip.

Brat.

Anyway, I was still unsure as to which size I truly am.  So, I grabbed the size 14 dress pants (Apt 9 brand).  After trying them on, I realize, yes, they are loose but aren’t falling off.  Yet, I’ll be spending more money on more pants because these fit me just right now, but will be falling off in a month.  I decided on getting the 12’s.  They fit, a little snug, but they fit.

I haven’t been a size 12 since BEFORE I was pregnant and that was 10 years ago!  What shocks me is that the numbers on the scale still haven’t dropped into the 100’s.  That just means inches are being lost more than pounds but I couldn’t care less about it.  It’s nice to be in a size 12 again.

Lastly, do I get to share this accomplishment with anyone outside of this blog?  Well no, because my mother puts down the fact I’m losing weight and says I’m lazy because I’ve used the appetite suppresants and is now, actively, pressuring my younger sister (her favorite and “easy” daughter) to lose weight as she tells her, and I quote, that I “can’t look better” than her.

Isn’t that just lovely?  *sigh*  And out of respect, I don’t tell my sister about the actual pounds lost (unless she asks) because I don’t want to make her feel bad, especially if our mother pressures her to look better than me, like we are rival competitive enemies.  The woman just wants to see me fail at everything.  It’s actually quite disgusting.

Oh that’s right! I used to play McDonald’s Monopoly!

Yes, I had a fast food flashback. I remember every year in October, McDonald’s would do their Monopoly game. I swear I would gain 20 pounds that month from eating so many large fries and Big Macs.

Today, I actually had money and needed something quick as I had to make a quick Walmart run for cat food and some folders for The Boy for school. So I pulled into the McDonald’s and got the Grilled Chicken Wrap (only 410 calories).

Then I saw it. The Monopoly pieces.

image

1 in 4 wins my ASS!

I pulled them off, hoping to see the “you have won the MILLION dollars” but didn’t….and moved on.  I never won anything more than a free breakfast sandwich or a free small fries.

But did I ever have flashbacks of gorging on that crap just to get more Monopoly pieces…blegh…

Weekly Weigh In – It’s actually been a MONTH

Weekly Monthly Weigh in

Welcome back peoples!  I was without a weigh in for a whole month!  So bare with me, this may be a long update.  I do have a pretty good reason for the month absence.

My last post was July 17.  The reason for the month hiatus was because I had to pay for another 10 weeks on the program and I just didn’t have the money.  My last weigh in and visit to the clinic was a month ago and I have been about 3 weeks off the appetite suppressant medications.  I guess it was a good test run to see if I can actually do it on my own, without the daily appetite suppressants.

Test run=PASSED

I’m just making better choices.  I am going to continue to stay away from bad carbs and fast food.  I am also going to continue to do exercise like I am now which is 5-6 times a week consisting of cardio speed walking/jogging and some weight lifting.  However, I will get back onto the medications just to kick start myself again to do round two and keep the numbers going down!

Milestone…

About 2 weeks ago, I did surprise myself a bit.  Ask me if I can get into size 13 skinny jeans.  YUP!  I squeezed my behind into a size 13.  I was a stuffed sausage but they zippered up!

I’m still so fat!

Or that is how I feel, psychologically, I guess.  I am so close to passing the 200 mark.  I’m hoping now that I can start back up on the appetite suppressants, I will be able to curb my appetite better and not binge.  I did binge a few times, on fat free and low calorie Trader Joe’s cheese puffs but afterwards, I felt sick to my stomach.  Blegh.

However, one big change is that now I weigh less than my sister.  This has really motivated her to get into action.  She is now watching carbs and she actually has an awesome exercise reoutine that includes eliptical and lots of cardio.  She’s good at that.  However, she has some medical issues that keeps her from losing at a steady pace but I know she can do it.  I’m now 15 lbs lighter than her, but if I know her, that won’t be for long.

I still just think I have so much to go.  It’s like a never ending cycle.  However, it will probably always seem that way because this is a life long thing and not just a fad.

My next goal is to get out of the 200’s and into the 100’s.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

 8 more lbs down!

Total: 38 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Look at that HUGE dip!

Starting BMI

BMI is: 42.0 at 245 lbs

Starting in Category: Obese  30.0 – more

Current BMI

Still in the "Obese" section...Blegh!

Still in the “Obese” section…Blegh!

I finally have a before and after.  Both of these were taken in the same spot at Universal Studios, Hollywood and I tried to wear the same tank top with the pink hearts but I have since put it into the Goodwill bag because it looked ridiculous on me.

March 2, 2013

August 1, 2013

I see the difference but I probably shouldn’t have tried to squeeze myself into those skinny jeans.  Those are the size 13 jeans I mentioned above.  Although, that was taken almost 2 weeks ago and those jeans fit A LOT better now.

But my face…it’s so much smaller.

So, that is it for my update after a month of no updates.  As I mentioned before, I did purchase another 10 weeks of the appetite suppresants, B-6 shots and the weekly Lipo-Combo injection which is injected into my arm that contains:

  • Methionine
  • Inositol
  • Choline
  • B-12
  • B-1
  • B-2
  • Vitamin C
  • Niacin

That injection hurts like a mo-fo though.  I even told the nurse “God, this one stings way more than the others”.  She said it was because it’s the mother of all injections and includes the most of any other injection.  I just got it a couple of hours ago and I’m noticing that the injection site (my upper arm) smells, or makes me smell, like vitamins.  It’s hard to explain but I have to be aware of that since I go to my weigh ins and get my injections during my lunch hour and have to return to work.

Thanks to all who have been following my progress.  I’m certainly not done yet but I’m very proud of myself if I do say so myself and being able to blog about it keeps me very much accountable.  It has been a life long struggle for me to deal with being fat all my life.  Losing this weight, at this point in my life is allowing me to concentrate on other parts of my physique I have to keep up if I don’t want to age quickly.

I now dye my graying hair on a regular basis since the vitamin injections have made my hair grow like mad and it’s super shiny and on top of that, using the Lush Stout shampoo, makes it super silky.  I love my hair.

I’m also working on my skin.  I use a Lush Mint mask once a week and it’s done wonders for cleaning out my pores and making them smaller.

I’m also going to look into getting lash extensions.  I really can’t wear makeup anymore.  My eyes water way to much and then the make up gets in them and it’s like battery acid is burning my eyes out of their sockets.  So I just don’t wear makeup anymore.  My sister suggested lash extensions because that is all my eyes really need.  I’m also going to look into getting my eyes used to contacts again.  These glasses just take so much away from my face.

So, until next week 🙂

Losing my fat granted me a “Depression” day

I’m not doing good today.  I don’t even want to type this.

Maybe, it is the come down from a great Disneyland/DCA visit yesterday.  We were able to ride lots of rides, despite only getting there around 4pm.  The Mad T Party and White Rabbit DJ were amazing, as always.  Nothing but love for DJ Jason Jass….I want to have a party JUST to hire him as my DJ!  And after I told him I’ve lost the 30 lbs with the help of his great mixes that I workout to, he shook my hand and said congrats.  Super nice guy.

So what in all holy HELL is wrong with me?

I’m FUCKING LONELY! DAMMIT!

This is utterly ridiculous.  I’m sure these feelings also stem from another huge argument with my mother on Thursday night which ended with her telling me to not bring The Boy to her the next day (Friday) so I could go to work, which led me to scrambling to make arrangements with his summer camp to take him for half day on Friday (thank GOD that they are understanding and did take him).  I’m not playing her game anymore, nor am I giving in to her hissy fits.  She wants to play the “I’m not going to watch The Boy so now you HAVE to take off work and probably get fired because you have to SOLELY rely on me” game.  It’s a common game for her and one of the reasons I lost a job back in 2007.  I couldn’t care LESS if she watched him on Mondays and Fridays during the summer or not.  In fact, I couldn’t care less about much of any of it really.  I told my sister as much yesterday, before dropping her off at the airport, to go visit our other sister.  I said that I don’t think that I will be involved much in possibly dealing with our memory loss father (who is getting severely worse day by day) and bipolar “just needs to shut her mouth” mother.  I’m pulling away even further than I ever have which may pull me right out of their radar completely.

However, it could also be that my younger sister is up in Montana visiting our older sister and, as usual, once – fucking – again, I’m being left out.  It’s not their fault and I’m not mad at them.  I just don’t have the money nor can I get the time off work for a trip to the middle of the country.  So now I get to look at all the fun photos of them on my sister’s FB page and I, as usual, get to be “outside looking in”.

Yeah, I think I need to go run or lift massive weights or something because I just blew up at my kid just because he asked for lunch.  Although, I don’t see why he can’t make his own fucking sandwich every once in a while.  Or even wash a fucking dish.  Some days I don’t want to be a parent.

I even wonder about losing 30 lbs.  On one side of the coin, it is great to feel lighter and faster and bouncier on my feet.  Yesterday, at Disneyland/DCA, not only was I walking through that place much faster and actually fitting into the ride seats and not having my inner tube shaped gut spilling over into the seat next to me, but in Toon Town, I was playing and climbing in the play area with my kid and I could keep up!  I didn’t get winded or out of breath or feel like my heart was going to explode!

th

Although, it’s not necessarily “boys”…I just feel that I will see that even thin, I’m depressed.

But, on the other side, now I know WHY I kept myself fat in the first place.  It was the reason and the excuse I had to explain my loneliness.  If I lose the “excuse”….then I will really wonder why I have not one friend, will never be in a relationship and maybe I’ll see that there really is something wrong with me that wasn’t just the fat.

So, in essence, I am petrified of being smaller.  It’s like the fat was a part of me.  It’s like I’m slowly losing my right arm!  Because 30 lbs is actually the most I’ve lost EVER, in all the times I’ve lost weight.

And why am I losing the weight in the first place?  To be healthier? Yes.  To live longer? Yes.  But to live longer in a life of utter dark loneliness where The Nothing is my only friend?

So to sum it up even more, I’m petrified to lose the weight and losing the weight, is depressing me.

Seriously, WTF! is wrong with me!

Yeah, I need to go run or I’m going to take a steak knife to my wrists…fuck.

K, running now…..thanks bye!

Weekly Weigh In – I’ve hit a milestone

First, I know my normal weigh in days are Fridays and starting my next weigh in day, Friday the 26th, they will be back on track.  I did skip last Friday’s weigh in.  I needed to purchase another 10 week program and I didn’t have the money last Friday so I had to wait until I came into some money, which was today.  So, today’s weigh in covered 1 week and 4 days.  I am committed to at least 10 more weeks and purchased the highest program, the Platinum Plus.

Second, today I lost the most I’ve lost at a single weigh in.  It could be because I had 4 extra days between today and my last weigh in.  I would also like to say that it is because I’ve incorporated at least 5 minutes of jogging into my 30 minute power walking routine, which I do 5-6 days a week.

I am definitely starting to get the double takes and comments, lately.  My co-worker, just last week, commented on how my face is pretty much gone.  I’ve lost a double chin, completely.  I want to say 10 lbs was in my chin and face alone!  However, the one place that I always used to lose it first, my chest, hasn’t budged an inch.  Not to get TMI or all sexual or anything but I was firmly in a DD at 245 lbs and could have gotten into a DDD.  I am still firmly in a DD.  However, my waist is smaller, giving the illusion that they are bigger than they really are!  Not sure I like that as I’ve never liked dealing with these things sometimes.  I’m sure they will go down as I get closer to goal.  Believe me when I say that having big Ta-Ta’s is not all it’s cracked up to be.  I have some really bad upper back problems and constantly dealing with pain between my shoulder blades due to the weight from my chest.  Not fun.

ANYWAY!  I’ve also gone down two pants sizes.  I’m out of my size 18 dress pants and currently in a size 14 dress pants.  I’m also completely out of size 16 jeans as they won’t stay on me.  I have a size 14 that I’m wearing but they hang baggy soon after putting them on so they look wrong on me.  They aren’t falling off my waist but they are hanging.  I bought size 12 skinny jeans from the Goodwill that I have on the “almost there” shelf in my closet.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

7 more lbs down!

Total: 30 lbs lost as of May 4, 2013! 

LilySlim Weight charts

I’m actually shocked the scale said this because it’s “THAT” time of the month and I never lose during that time.

Regarding BMI, I found charts that I liked and could easily understand.

Starting weight

BMI is: 42.0 at 245 lbs

Starting in Category: Obese  30.0 – more

Current weight

BMI 

Apparently, I’ve lost the equivalent to the amount of cheese an average American eats in a year.  Blegh…
 
I really can’t believe how much 30 lbs is, yet, I can’t believe that 30 lbs doesn’t even scratch the surface of how much I need/ed to lose.  It made me realize how obese I was really getting and how much I had my foot in an early grave.  I move quicker now, I can climb the stairs to my office without wheezing upon reaching my office and I can FUCKING RUN!  Uh..emphasis on the, yeah…I can FUCKING RUN!
 
My next goal is to get out of the 200’s.

Possible motivation…

I may have found some serious weight loss motivation.

I’m still bummed out a bit from my weigh in this morning.  I just have to keep telling myself that the scale is going in the right direction, even if it is taking a slow, long trip.

I decided to pull out of my closet an old black satin Scott McClintock formal that I wore as Homecoming Princess in College in 2000.  So, the last time I wore this dress was 13 years ago.  It is a size 14.

It is still in great condition and not a blemish on it.  It is a little wrinkled at the bottom but in great condition other than that.

Holding it up to me, it looks very small.

Weekly Weigh In – Meh…..

Meh, not to happy about today.

I spent the better part of this day wondering what the heck I’m doing wrong.  The nurse even asked me if I was following the diet plan properly.  I most surely am and I’m exercising as well.

I’m going to try and change up my exercise routine and push it to 35 minutes which will include some arm and stomach exercises.  I’m also going to try and incorporate some running into my power walking to, even if it is just for a few minutes.

I also think I need to eliminate anything I may have been “cheating” with.  I have had tortillas on occasion but always wheat and I never finish it.  I do have Pollo Bowls but rarely finish down to the rice part.  I just eat the chicken and beans, but I may start being more strict regarding any carbs.  Although, I don’t know how I can get any stricter than this:

This is a sample of a usual lunch.  That is a hard boiled egg and greek yogurt.

This is a sample of a usual lunch. That is a hard boiled egg and greek yogurt.

Regardless, I’m going to change where I think I can.  Or it could be just inches that I’ve lost as I’ve noticed a huge change in my size 16 jeans.  Just last night, I was getting ready to change for bed for the night and I was closing up my home and turning off lights, when I realized, my jeans were about to fall off me.  I was literally able to pull them off without unbuttoning them.  So those will go into the give away bag and I can move onto the size 14 jeans I have that were waiting to be pulled off the shelf of “some day I will fit into these clothes” that I have set up in my closet.

Anyway, what were today’s results??

1 more lb down!

Total:  23 lbs lost in 9 Weeks! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Below are the BMI chart comparison from start weight to current weight

BMI of 42 at 245lbs

BMI at starting weight of 245 – 9 weeks ago

VS.

BMI 38.1

BMI down to 38 as of today.

Weekly Weigh In – BMI

I read an article that Obesity is now considered a disease.  I am on the fence with this. 

On the one hand, I’m fat because I put to many Jumbo Jacks with cheese into my mouth and didn’t move my behind enough.  On the other hand, genetics really do not help a girl out.

Of course, the article I linked and so many other articles that can be found with a Google search are so convoluted I just want to look them over.  Everybody is different and if a nutrionist is going to tell me that having a Jamba Juice for lunch is bad (even if I’m not diabetic) because of carbs I will tell them they are not me and I know what I will not gain weight with.   Having a Jamba Juice is better than having the Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger Combo Meal (large size, yes, please) at the Jack in the Crack down the street!  And go ahead and click on the link and look at the calorie and carb count.  I’m surprised my heart lasted this long!  Blegh, just looking at the pictures of the burgers on the website made me want to vomit.

BMI of 42 at 245lbs

BMI at starting weight of 245

I found a BMI calculator that computed BMI (Body Mass Index) and after I put in my starting weight (seen to the right) and then figured out what weight would be in the “Normal Weight” range….I have lowered my GOAL weight by 30 lbs.   That would put it at 130 lbs (22 BMI).  As seen by the chart to the right, at the start of this road, I was at 42 BMI which equaled to Obese.  I believe it.  

It’s just a “goal”.  I feel like it’s a kind of game.  Let’s see how close to 130 I can actually get.  The lowest I’ve ever been is 140 and I was 17 years old.  I’m curious to see if I can get there and what I would look like!

Anyway, so what were today’s results??

  2 more lbs down!

Total: 22 lbs lost in 2 months! 

LilySlim Weight charts

2 lbs is better than last week’s 1 lb but not better than the week before that’s 5 lbs but…so far the scale has been going down for the full 2 months, never maintaining nor rising.  That is always good.  I just feel like I can’t get into the 200 and teen’s!  I’m gonna shoot for 219 for next week’s weigh in.  I also am going to start having the B-6 injections put directly into the “flap” that I was speaking of last week.  The nurse said that may help reduce it a bit and since I was putting the B-6 into my upper abs, that area was shrinking faster than the lower, making the “flap” look worse.

I have two more weigh ins before the 10 week program is done.  I will then be paying for another 10 weeks but with the Platinum Plus Package which is the 4 B-6 injections plus the Lip-Combo injection which includes:

–Lipo-MIC (so I don’t have to pay for it separately anymore) which is the combination of the 3 amino acids (Methioine, Inositol and Choline) to help liver function and;

–The vitamins: B-12, Thiamin, Riboflavin, Vitamin C, and Niacin.

Oh and I finally confessed to my sister and mother about the actually program I am using with the appetite suppressants, injections, etc. and to my surprise, it was well received by them.  I think my mother really just doesn’t want us to get Diabetes, as she has it and she always says we need to lose weight, even if she does say it bluntly. 

And it looks like by telling my sister, I may have just given myself more of a challenge because she will be starting the same type of program soon at another facility and she has a MUCH more intense workout regimen than I do (she runs and does elliptical).  I may have just upped my game with her now in it.  And throw some “Sibling Competition” into the mix…..this should prove interesting.

Dreams, “poppin’ tags” and being THIN

“Hey, can we go Thrift Shopping?”

Being that I am kid free tonight, after much deliberation, I decided that I am going to go pop some tags tonight. goodwill_logo2Yes, folks, I am going thrift shopping.  Or at least go to the Good Will for some “new” jeans and whatever else I see.  I’m losing weight so I really do not want to spend money on name brand jeans from a store because I might not fit into them in a few months.  I actually do most of my shopping at the Good Will anyway.  I’ve never been much of a shopper and can’t stand spending money on clothes or shoes or foo foo accessories.  So Good Will prices work for me.  And sometimes, if I dig hard enough, I can find items that still have the original tags on them, meaning never worn! 

That’s what I’ll be doing after work.

If I get shot in a dream but don’t bleed or die, does that mean I’m Super Girl?

The past two nights, I’ve been having a disturbing dream.  I dream I am getting shot in the face by some guy I don’t know.  Yet, the bullets never affect me nor hurt me.  This random guy shoots many bullets at me but I don’t feel them at all.  I just hear them go “POP!” and see him pointing the gun at me and can see the shots going off but never feel them

What the heck!  I always wake up very shaken up and afraid.  It’s always in the middle of the night when I wake up from these dreams and my cat, the past few nights has also taken to meowing VERY loud at me while I sleep in my bed at 2 a.m.  I think it’s time for another cat shaming.  So I haven’t been to good on getting a restful sleep lately.  I just hope the dreams stop.

THIN

Now that I have HBO Go on my computer, I have access to some great HBO Documentaries.  I’ve seen a few on the holocaust, and movie stars.  But last night, I saw a new addition to the list called THIN.

PROANA4

It was VERY hard to get through.  This documentary followed several women while they were at the Renfrew Center .   Being someone who has struggled with weight and over eating, it is very understandable to me to see where the mind frame of some of these women come from.  I have never been anorexic, that is not my thing, but over eating sure was.  However, I have also never tried purging as vomiting is a horrible aversion for me and I don’t even like doing it when I was sick or drunk.

These women really think that they are fat or they will find every single fault they can with their bodies.

imagesCAIF2XKEIn the picture to the left, the patient was asked to draw and outline of what they feel their body looks like.  Then, they would be asked to stand against the drawing they did and the counselor would draw the actual outline of their body.  The photo above was the result and as you can see, the black outline is what she thinks of herself and the red outline is what she really is.  However, when asked “how do you feel about what you are seeing?” the first thing the patient did was say “I see faults” and she proceeded to write on the drawing everything that was wrong with the smaller version of her.  It was incredible and so sad.

None of the women in this place maxed out weight anywhere over 110lbs, if that much.  I would say most of them were at about 90lbs.  It was very interesting to see how others perceive themselves, how their pasts and words said by other from their past create this disease and misconception of themselves. 

When it ended, they did a follow up blurb on each of the main patients that were in it.  Basically, they all had been released from the Center, however, they all went back to restricting food and/or purging when eating.  One main character even committed suicide a few years later.

It kind of centers one back down to earth when we see how hard these people struggle and how much others’ words can effect anyone.

*EDIT: Well what do you know. Just got a text from my sister who was supposed to pick up my son later today saying she has a doctor appointment and might not be able to pick him up after all.

I am not surprised in the least.  This is typical of my family and why I get no kid free nights.

What gets my goat is that she says “sure I’ll pick him up” then oh never mind forgot I had a doctor appointment.  Why offer if you had something else to do?  And saying you forgot just doesn’t cut it with me.  Think before you fucking speak.

Damnit…I’m so pissed off.  No poppin tags for me!

Fuck

Weekly Weigh In – One thing is starting to concern me…

I am noticing one thing that is starting to be a bit of a concern for me. (maybe TMI ahead)

My stomach. It’s beginning to look like this:

This is not a picture of my stomach but mine is developing this pouch thing circled above.

This is not a picture of my stomach but mine is developing this pouch thing circled above.

What is happening is my upper abs are shrinking but the lower part of my stomach is starting to “flap” over.  It reminds me of a Gastric Bypass patient who has lost a lot of weight super fast and their skin just hangs.  It isn’t happening anywhere else.  My arms are actually forming nicely and my face is much less round and puffy. 

I can only guess this is because I had a lot more weight to lose.  I know that just after I had my son 9 years ago, I went on Jenny Craig and lost about 30 lbs.  However, 9 years ago, I started Jenny Craig needing to lose about 30 lbs less than what I started at this time around.  That is probably what is causing the serious skin flap going on.

And I had a C-Section when I gave birth.  I know that contributes to a lot of the flap.  Being pregnant and giving birth messes up everything about the stomach skin and texture.  I fear I will never see the stomach I used to have so many years ago.  It’s just another part of my youth that I mourn and bury into the ground.

It’s awful and I don’t like it so I have introduced stomach exercises into my 30 minute power walking routine.  Hopefully, that will make it not so flabby.  I have also started rubbing Palmer’s Cocoa Butter to smooth out the stretch marks.

I have also gotten some questions on what medical program I am following.  It is called Medislim Wellness.  It is owned by a doctor and all the workers are nurses or Physician Assistants.  I am given Phentermine, the appetite suppressants on a weekly basis, taking once a day.

Below is a scan of the flyers that were given to me on my first day. 

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medislim_Page_4

The two shown above explains what my diet should be along with meal suggestions.  Notice that carbs are under the “What you CAN NOT eat” along with no sugar (duh), breads, pasta, rice and fruit. However, I have been eating fruit and enjoying Jamba Juice for lunch on occasion.  I know my body and I’m pretty sure a Jamba Juice is better than a Jumbo Jack with bacon and large fries.  It also says no chewing gum….I’m a chewer, won’t be giving that up. Vegetables are also limited but I haven’t been skipping veggies either. Steamed broccoli for the win!

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Onto the Weight Loss Injections sheet shown above.  These are an explanation of the Vitamin Injections I get weekly. So far, I’m on the program for the 4 B-6 injections, which I have injected in the belly area and the 1 B-12, which is always injected into the upper arm. 

Not included in the package I paid for but I get on the side and pay extra for is the Lipo-MIC  injection which is #1 under Lipotronics on the sheet shown above.  I have yet to get the injections numbered 2, 3, and 4 on the sheet above.

medislim_Page_2

Above is the prices for the different packages and injections.  I have three more weeks on my current package which is the Gold Package.  After that, I will be getting the top package, the Platinum Plus Package which the 4 B-6 injections plus the Lip-Combo injection which includes:

–Lipo-MIC (so I don’t have to pay for it separately anymore) which is the combination of the 3 amino acids (Methioine, Inositol and Choline) to help liver function and;

–The vitamins: B-12, Thiamin, Riboflavin, Vitamin C, and Niacin.

 Also, the full amount for these packages are not due right away.  They divide amount by two and you pay at two different visits.

Anyway, so what were today’s results??

 1 more lb down!

Total: 20 lbs lost in 7 weeks! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Only l pound today but I did weigh in a day early.  I’m not going to be in the area tomorrow (Friday) which is my normal weigh in day.  Also, it’s THAT time of the month.  And, I didn’t work out this week as much as I did last week.  So I give the low loss this week (compared to 5 lbs last week) on weighing in a day early, not moving as much and bloat.

I will be going to the Good Will very soon to purchase some new “transition” jeans, as I call them.  I prefer to get clothes at the Good Will when I’m changing sizes and know I won’t stay in the size I’m buying.  The jeans I’m wearing right now are a size 18 but they will no longer stay on me and I don’t have to unzip them to be able to remove them.  I’m guessing I’m closer to a 16 now and *maybe* I could squeeze myself into a 14 and hang onto those until they fit comfortably.  I can’t wait to get some skinny jeans!

Weekly Weigh In – THAT is more like it!

Booyah! This is more like it! Ok, what did I do differently this week?

Exercise

That is the major thing that I changed and that might have made a significant impact.  I started walking for about 25-30 minutes on the treadmill 4 times this past week.  It wasn’t crazy power walking, just walking at a fast pace. I don’t run though, never have been able to, even when I was younger.

Eating is repulsive

No joke. I’m finding that just to eat or think about eating makes me want to cringe. I no longer look forward to it nor make it the center of my existence.  Hence, eating out is happening less and less and if I do eat out I spend close to nothing because I’m not getting full meals with dessert.  I would say at best, I get a side salad and soup!  Sometimes, maybe a grilled chicken and steamed veggies.

Just a few days ago, I was having trouble finishing even half of a Farmer Boy’s Chicken Cobb Salad (my favorite salad).

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I think I was about 5 bites into it when suddenly it looked so un-appetizing.  I couldn’t think about finishing it.  I put it away and saved the rest of it for later in the day.  It ended up being my dinner.

A few days ago, I was done early with my errands I needed to run on my lunch and just couldn’t decide what I wanted for lunch.  The thought of even getting a Protein Burger at In N Out was making me gag.  So I pulled into the Jamba Juice and got me a Pomegranate Smoothie with Pomegranate, Strawberries and Blueberries.

PomegranatePickmeup735

It was perfect and it was like CANDY to me! I guess my lunches now are Jamba Juice.

Last night for dinner I had about 5 saltine crackers and the meat from The Boy’s Supreme Croissant Breakfast sandwich that he didn’t finish. Oh and about 4 bottles of water.

It’s the appetite suppressants that I mentioned a few weeks ago, Phentermine.  They have literally given me such an aversion to food.  Other “side effects” I’m seeing are dry mouth and being very thirsty.  I did have trouble sleeping a few weeks ago to but that has passed.  I’ve always been one to drink water a lot even before starting this so I’m used to drinking water and the many visits to the bathroom that drinking lots of water creates.

Oh and I’m hearing that Man of Steel is pretty good.  I’m excited about that movie!

Anyway, so what were today’s results??

 5 more lbs down! (HOLY CRAP!)

Total : 19 lbs lost in 6 weeks! 

LilySlim Weight charts

Look at that BIG drop in the dots!

That made me laugh 😛

Weekly Weigh In – So now the “looks” begin….

These are different looks. Usually, I’m getting looks from people’s faces that say “Wow she really should be wearing a Moo Moo“.

But these looks are different. They are more of shocked looks yet, they are not insultive looks.

These are looks from people’s faces that say “whoa wait…didn’t she have A LOT more going on in the hip area?!?”

As I walk down the hallways of my office, I pass by offices and people who I’ve been passing by for the past year. I notice these looks I describe above on faces I’ve recognized for a year. It’s a bit refreshing and I find it intriguing that not a word has to be said. It’s all in their faces. It kinda makes me re-think how much care I should start putting into my facial reactions to situations. Nonetheless, I look forward to even more profound looks as the numbers keep going down.

Anyway, onto today’s weigh in……I’m not to happy with it this week. I’m thinking it’s because either:

A) I’m at a plateau, although I can’t say it’s a plateau until it happens over the course of a few weeks.

 or

B) I need to start moving more. I will admit last week I didn’t do much of anything along the ways of exercise. I did the treadmill once and was kinda lazy.

Also, I did have some “Congratulations on 1 Year!” cake that my co-workers got me for reaching my 1 year anniversary at this office. However, I pretty much only ate the strawberry filling and took 2 bites of the cake and threw the rest out.  And I did eat the tortilla on the McWrap I had last night……

However, I do know that my portions are pretty much half if not 3/4’s of what they used to be. I have never pushed away extra food or a half eaten plate as much as I have in the past 4 weeks! It’s like I get nauseated just thinking about over eating, a problem I’ve had for as long as I can remember.

So, after a steady 3 lb loss in the past 3 weeks….it’s starting to slow down. Well today it did, but honestly, I think something was wrong with the scale that they used.  It had to be adjusted a few times and wouldn’t go to zero until a few buttons were pushed.

Regardless, clothing is beginning to fit looser and people are starting to notice.

Today’s results:

 1 more lb down!

Total : 14 lb lost in 5 weeks! 

Sore Throat, Loose Pants and the One “A”

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Yes, King of the North, perhaps you have

I’m still recovering over the latest episode of Game of Thrones. Unbelievable…..

Anyway, just before going to bed on Sunday night, I noticed that it was difficult to swallow. Like every time I did swallow, it’s like there was this knot in the way that got pushed over. It’s been that way since Sunday night. Just very hard to swallow. I’m guessing I have a very sore and inflamed throat but if it doesn’t go away, I might have it checked. I avoid the doctor or the ER or Urgent Care at all costs because every time I visit, it ends with them finding something wrong and I just don’t have time for anything wrong.

In other news, I FINALLY put on one of my tighter pairs of pants after they had been washed and what do you know, they are actually looser. Usually, after I put on pants that have just been washed they are super tight. But they were not as tight as I remember and I wasn’t getting “belt” marks around my belly from the waist being so tight. Small accomplishments.

I finally got a look at The Boy’s report card. His last day of school was last Thursday and he brought home is report card that day but it was buried under all kinds of arts and crafts that I had to dig for it. I finally did that and had a look. Some back story, he’s been struggling with his grades since 1st grade (there is a BIG story behind his 1st Grade nightmare at a particular Private Christian School…maybe another post).  He just can’t focus and gets distracted easily (I was that way to as a child). 

However, he’s in an awesome school and they provided him separate speech and reading sessions this year. So, his final grades for his 3rd grade year were ok but better than in the past. All C’s except a D in Math (ok gotta work on that a little more next year, was concentrating on reading and spelling).Grumpy-cat_-good

Then the big surprise…an “A” in Science…mkay, I guess I know what HIS favorite subject is. I know he likes anything space and rocks and how the earth works.  He likes it enough to get the one “A” on his report card of “C”s.

So I’m ok with the “C”s.  Especially, when I see he does have an isolated talent, which is Science.

Weekly Weigh in – Things that feel different this time

Today, is the 1 month mark of this journey. It’s time to jump on the scale again and see what’s what.  I know I said this the last time, but the appetite suppressants really work.  I am someone who will tend to over eat, badly. As of the past 3 weeks, I am literally pushing half finished plates away rather than eating the whole plate and then some more. Sometimes, I don’t even want to eat, but do because I can’t not eat, but the portion is super small. It’s like food isn’t on the top of my agenda now. It’s hard to explain, but very real.

I’ve noticed some other things different this time around, as I have done this many times in my 36 years on this planet.

Slow and Steady

I’m noticing that it isn’t coming off as fast right away. Seeing it come off fast right at the beginning is something that has happened in the past. For instance, the last time I did this was a year ago with Jenny Craig. The first week, I lost 6 lbs, then about 2-3 average a week (only did that for about a  month though, then it came right back on).  It coming off slowly isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  Usually, when it comes off fast, it goes right back on faster. I’m learning how to make better choices and doing it over time.

Eat This, Not That

I’m adjusting to how I can eat and what choices I have when I am cutting out things like breads and pastas.  I still go out to restaurants but forgo things like the bread basket. I also still visit the drive thru’s on occasion, very rarely.

For instance, I went through the McDonald’s drive through on Wednesday to quickly pick up something for The Boy. I knew I needed to eat but there is really nothing at McDonald’s I can have and I can’t stand their weak salads. Then I noticed the new Chicken McWrap.

mcdonalds_mcwrap

I knew that the flour tortilla was a big no-no so I just ate half of it and pretty much ate the chicken and lettuce inside. It was pretty good and I believe a much better choice than the Big Mac and Fries.  I actually rarely go to McDonald’s though but, when I do, the McWrap will be my new choice.

Where the fat leaves first

When I started this journey at 245 lbs, that was the highest weight I’ve ever been and I think the reason it’s coming off differently than it has before.  I think my face is showing it first, that is usually what happens. However, my pants are not fitting significantly looser and at this point they usually are.  However, I don’t feel like I’m a stuffed sausage in my pants anymore. So that is always a good thing. It’s not anything that discourages me though.  It’s just interesting.

You MUST work out 7 days a week for 2 hours!

No, actually, I don’t! I used to be obsessed with power walking for miles on end on that silly treadmill. I just can’t focus on exercise like that this time around. What I try to do is just simply move. Whether its cleaning the house, going out to the pool to play with The Boy, walking around the mall or just plugging in my dance music and dancing in my living room! I just need to move. My apartment complex does have a nice little exercise room with ellipticals, treadmills and weight lifting and I do visit it about 2 times a week. But I don’t obsess about getting in there every single day.  When I do get in there, it’s a power walk on the treadmill for about 30 minutes.  I’m not going to tire myself out just to get a workout every single day. It’s still coming off.

Design_L_

The Boy made a great observation a few days ago. We went to get Cold Stone’s (yes, I had a small size of chocolate with some peanut butter….) and he dropped his spoon. I quickly bent down and picked it up as to avoid it being on the floor longer than it needed to. The Boy stated that I bent down and stood back up fairly quickly. He said that in the past, I would do things like that slowly, haggardly, without any energy.

I thought about that for a moment and found that VERY interesting. That is something I have never considered. It’s the little goals that make the big difference. 

Anyway, onto today’s weigh in…… 

Today’s results:

3 more lbs down!

Total : 13 lbs lost in a month! 

I want to keep seeing those dots going down…..

I really had nothing to talk about…

This past week has actually been very rough.  I really didn’t have anything meaningful to write about all week.

I was going through yet another valley but it was like I just didn’t want to do anything and was forcing myself to just get up to take The Boy to school and work. Luckily, my job is mostly independent work at my desk so I don’t interact with a lot of people much, which is good.

I’m feeling a bit better though, especially since the weight keeps falling off and I really don’t feel deprived. I will admit, it is coming off slower than I remember it used to in the past. That might be because I’m older now or I’m not exercising as much but it’s still coming off. I could eventually turn this into a life time thing. I must resist bread and make better choices when eating out.  Earlier this week, my office when to The Cheesecake Factory for lunch and I ordered the mushroom burger but with no buns and instead asked for two pieces of lettuce. The waiter knew exactly what I was talking about and even called it by its proper name, Protein Style. Also, instead of the fries, I asked for the small green salad option. So this kind of eating is not uncommon amongst the masses. That gives me more room to relax and just enjoy eating out.

Tonight, it’s another Disneyland trip. We haven’t been there in a few weeks. Since I get off work early today, we can get a head start and have an extra hour this evening to see how much we can get done. These Friday night Disneyland trips are becoming sort of mini challenges. It turns into a “how many rides CAN we actually ride in a 3-4 hour period”.  Some nights, we can ride up to 4 major rides in the night. Some nights, we end up going to one park, determining it’s to crowded, head to the other park and just do Mad T Party and Ride Monster’s Inc. a few times. Either way, it’s still fun.

Nevermind that…it’s the most dreaded 24 hour event at Disneyland tonight. Blegh….I don’t like the super big crowds that these events can produce…..great…now to have to tell The Boy we aren’t going.

Tomorrow, I take The Boy down to Long Beach. I reserved a hotel room there through Hotels.com and we will swim in the pool or just play around in the room jumping on the beds while watching t.v.

Photos by A. Reitsma/Aquarium of the Pacific website

Photo by A. Reitsma/Aquarium of the Pacific

Sunday, it’s a trip to the Aquarium of the Pacific there in Long Beach. I haven’t taken The Boy there since he was about 3 years old. I saw them on the news this week advertising their Ocean Exploration exhibit. They were showing some glowing fish with bright white eyes that live in the dark. They were called Flashlight Fish. It was pretty cool.

But what I, personally want to see is the Penguin Exhibit. I love me some Penguins!

It’s better than staying home. I stayed home last weekend and even though it’s nice to sometimes just sit and stare at a wall, The Boy gets cabin fever quickly and it isn’t quite hot enough yet to get out to the non-heated pool.  I had to think of something to do this weekend, especially since it was a long weekend.

How about just saying “Congrats on making good choices”?

One of my super huge pet peeves is people who think they know it all.

So I go on a certain message board (I will neither confirm nor deny it is a Disney forum) and into a group that I used to post alot to but have backed away from now. I was reminded of why I backed away.

I posted that I was making better choices in food, cutting out carbs and fast food and maybe choosing protein style burgers at In N Out for example, and no fries. Making better choices, that is what I’m aiming for. And I’ve been in my body for 36 years…I know what causes it to get fat

Fast Food + No movement = Fat ass!

The responses of  “well you need your carbs because of XYZ” and “don’t cut them all out because your skin will itch and you will lose brain function..”

WTF!

Ah ok, so according to you, the supposed doctor, it would be better to choose the cheeseburger and fries instead of the Jamba Juice?

Ok so apparently, I haven’t been in my body and you have actually be controlling it?!

Seriously, screw what people think. I’m so tired by living by everyone elses rules. I know my body and choosing a 16oz Jamba Juice over a Cheeseburger and fries is better for me.

I think today I’m going to enjoy an In N Out Protein style burger (no fries) with a diet coke.

Or maybe a Razzmatazz Jamba Juice….yeah…ooh I’m such a rebel!

Jamba_Razzmatazz

And please don’t tell me how many carbs a Jamba Juice has…I know how much and fruit carbs are better to me than bread. So you can leave that comment at the door.

I finally went the medical way…

So I wasn’t to far off from my weight prediction. I weighed in at my sisters floor scale at 243 about 2 months ago

At the doctor’s office today, it was at 245. Blegh

LilySlim Weight charts

I was shooting for losing 100 lbs but they put me at losing only about 80.

I got my two B-6 shots and I probably should have gotten more but I wanted to take it slow. I’ll return on Wednesday and pay up for the 10 weeks. That should get me the B-6 and B-12 shots and some vitamin pills, weekly.

But basically, the doctor said:

CUT OUT CARBS ENTIRELY!

What’s new? It’s not an unknown fact  that carbs are bad. He was saying having a burger is fine, just replace the  buns with lettuce. And I do love my Protein Style In N Out cheeseburgers. Pretty much any fast food join will replace the buns with lettuce if you ask.

Just no onions, and I never get to have In N out Fries again :(

Just no onions, and I never get to have In N out Fries again 😦

Yeah, that last part, of the no more fries, makes me bit of a sad panda but, it is what it is.

I honestly, think I can live with that though. I still get to eat out, just can’t have the dinner rolls or unlimited bread sticks. I’m also going to cut back on soda and the amount of flavored creamer I put in my coffee.

We shall see how it goes!

An appointment has been made….

I have made an appointment for this Saturday to see a medical doctor specifically about weight loss.

This is a different path for me regarding weight loss. I’ve done the conventional diets, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, all those. But I’ve never asked a medical professional about this.

What prompted me were three numbers. If these numbers were the amount of dollars in my wallet right now or my IQ I would be fine.

But they are not. These numbers are my weight.

243

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Plushie Pretzel

I’m a bit nervous. Why? Well it’s simply because of this.

I love food. If food, or carbs to be exact, were a squishy little plushie doll that I could squeeze I would. And now I realize…I will have to give up a lot of it.

However, on the flip side, I hate food to. I hate the way I feel after I gorge on food. I hate that a fast food joint taunts me at every turn. Fuck fast food!

Food is not bad for me. Over eating is. I eat food (and mostly the bad kind) like an alcoholic abuses whiskey. I know that I will have to abandon my fast food lunches. I’m going to try. On Sunday, I went to Souplantation and filled up on baby greens and veggies. I did NOT even visit the bread bar, but had a small helping of wheat pasta in lemon sauce. But there was NO bread. And that was hard because I love the little pizza bread things at Souplantation.

But I can’t be fat anymore. I can’t be addicted to food anymore. Every organ in my body is screaming “HELP US! WE ARE GETTING OVERWHELMED BY THE FAT!!”  I have a fatty liver, diagnosed a few years ago because of the fat around my belly. And that was a few years ago, about 20 lbs less than I am now.

Can someone die from fat? I think so. On the inside and on the outside and all in between.

So, I will see what a medical professional has to say about this and maybe there is another way to do this. I hope so.

Living life as a fat, ugly girl

I realize that is a harsh title. It was harsh to write. However, it is the truth.

“Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder”

I have always guffawed at that statement. We are human. We thrive on pleasure. Everyone will enjoy looking at a pleasurable face over an ugly or plain face. If anyone says otherwise, they are a lying.

Again, it is harsh for me to say it, but it is the truth. Our eyes want to see beauty not just in the form of a person’s face but in landscapes, colors, maybe a beautiful colored flower garden or a painting.

Humans enjoy beauty.

Humans will also shun those who are not seen as beautiful. Then again, Society is responsible for a lot of this to but in reality, what is Society made up of. Humans. And again, if one claims to not have done this at least once in their life, I call them liars.

I have never felt or ever considered myself beautiful by any means. I have always considered myself a Plain Jane. I do not like make up.  I never was one to wear a lot of make up outside of going to a special event.  As I’ve gotten older, I simply can’t wear it anymore. My eyes water and my skin itches. Make up and me, are no longer friends.

I never spent hours on my hair every day. For the most part, I wore it short just to keep it easy. However, I will admit, that when it is long, it is my best feature. But even my best “beauty” feature is becoming null and void because I’m losing my hair and if I don’t take the time to dye it ever two weeks, the greying ages me 20 years. And yes, I have a full head of pretty much “salt and pepper” hair (if I don’t dye regularly). It’s mortifying but I’ve been greying since I was 16. It was inevitable.

These are a few examples of when I was shunned for lacking beauty.

1) I was 20 and the current boyfriend I had was driving us to go pick up an old friend of his. We did pick him up, and as the night went on, I over heard this old friend telling my boyfriend just this, word for word, (I wished I could forget it) “Dude, you can do better than *that*. She is a dog” …….No.joke. Welcome to my memories..

2) I’m working at a pretty well known high end restaurant here in S. California. I was a hostess. I had been there for all of a few weeks. I over hear the male waiters and kitchen staff say (again, wished I could erase my memory) “oh that one…? that one is butt ugly.”

These are just two examples I remember…I may have mentally blocked a lot out.

Weight is just a Number

I’ve also never been able to keep a “healthy” weight. My first diet was at 12 years old, Weight Watchers.

I can remember being teased many times in my childhood (along with the many humiliations elementary school provided). One particular sticks to mind.

I was at a roller skating rink at a church function and a boy who always teased me for some reason told me “you don’t need skates, you will just rollll out there”. I’m sure you all understood what he meant.

Another was this boys’ sister who was on the same church cheerleading squad. One time, she was in the dressing room and she grabbed my cheer skirt, which was about 3 sizes to big for her and proceeded to put it on and dance around in it, showing all the other girls that it was 3 sizes to big.

Now, I know that others with the same issues as myself may have had similar stories and I’m sure even worse stories, but these were the few I remembered.

It’s because of these human reactions to fat and ugliness that I have always been over looked.  I have never turned any eyes, I’ve remained extremely shy which lead to a pretty much non-existent self-esteem and self-worth.

I was on and off diets my whole life. I do recall three times where a certain “diet” worked and I was at a very nice looking weight. But as is the norm, this weight never stayed off.

The first was when I was 17.  I was about 155 lbs at this age. Oddly enough, it was a Richard Simmons diet. Yes, you read that right. Richard Simmons. It looked kinda like this:

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The concept was easy enough and the foundation for any diet plan. You have a certain amount of certain types of food, which the color coded cards represented. When that food was eaten, the color coded card that represents that food (ex. Pink cards were fruit), was moved over to the right slots under breakfast, lunch or dinner. When all the cards were gone, you were done eating for the day. I got my weight down to 140 lbs. People thought I was sick, I got so skinny.  However, according to the “charts”, 140 is not “skinny” for a 5 foot 4 inch female. Yet, I was skinny enough for people to think I was sick.

As I said, I was 17 when I started this and the personal happenings in my life had a lot to do with the weight loss. I was in my Sr. year in high school and didn’t have ONE friend (yes you read that right…I had not ONE friend my Sr. year in high school, I didn’t even go to my Sr. prom or Grad Night). Also, I only went to school half days. I left at Noon, I got on a bus down the street from my school, drove on the bus for 10 miles to an afternoon filing job at a mortgage company. This was my Senior year in high school. On the weekend, I would visit my best friend at UC San Diego where she was doing her Freshman year in college.

The second time I lost a lot of weight was the first few months of my marriage in 2001-02.  I’m sure my husband at the time was afraid of the whale I could possibly become and he monitored ALL my eating. He made my lunches, made our dinners. I was watched constantly.

The third time, was 10 months after I had my child. I was a around 210 lbs. It was also probably the only time that I actually COULD have kept it off permanently. But life always gets in the way. I worked for L.A.P.D. as a time keeping clerk. In the station, there was a great exercise room. I worked PM watch so my “lunch break” would be around 8 or 9 pm. I would spend that time watching LOST in the exercise room on the elliptical. Also, I started Jenny Craig, as a few years before I had paid to be a lifetime member and could join for free (“plus the cost of food“). Jenny always worked for me. It was planned out meals, I didn’t have to do anything but heat them up, eat them and do my hour on the elliptical. I got down to 165 lbs.

It was this time that I lost the most and felt great because I was doing power exercise (the elliptical is a good workout) along with it. However, I was also going through a lot of rough times living with my parents and having a newborn/infant.

It was the diet yo-yo

It was the diet yo-yo

I gained all that back after I quite my LAPD job (it was to far to travel there from my parents house) and then lost the new city job I got only 3 months after that. I then moved up to Washington state for 3 months, then moved back. Then it just started piling on again.

I think the most of what I’ve gained has been this past year though. I tried Jenny Craig again, this time last year and was up to 15lbs lost but it is expensive.

I’m now pushing 250lbs.

Let’s look at all the three times the diets worked. First, I was 17….17! I was young and vivacious. Anything would have worked fast. Second time, it wasn’t me that was pushing it. It was my husband at the time who was afraid I would turn into a walrus. Third, I wanted to lose baby weight and had the time, money and resources to exercise without interruption.

I wished that the storyline from Tyler Perry’s “Why did I get Married?” was true. The storyline I’m talking about is a very large Sheila, finally dumps her husband who does nothing but make fun of her because she is fat and who is also cheating on her.

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Sheila is made fun of by her husband. He was awful to her.

She just *happens* to run into a good looking sheriff who miraculously thinks she is perfect for his perfect self (well he does tell her if she doesn’t like herself to change it but with him as motivation…)_MG_9793.CR2

He helps her to feel better about herself and even drop some pounds into the woman you see in the picture below (on far left)

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(uh…not in the real world sister….)

And at the end, she admits to her friends she’s happy and he works out with her and all is well in the world of fatness…

Bull.Shit (I don’t make fun of the movie as it was great…just the concept).

For me, none of those things are apparent in my life right now. I do try to cook meals at home.  Chicken, lean beef and steamed veggies because its not just me, its a kid I have to cook for to. And I will admit that fast food is the Devil’s food for me.

But its the exercise. I am just dormant. The motivation is not there and that is the key with me.

Also, I have the metabolism of a turtle. I realized there was a pattern. To lose weight, I needed to eat below 1000 calories a day (sometimes less) and do aerobic exercise at least 2 hours a day. I do not joke about that. When I lost the most weight, I was doing just that. My exercise regimens were brutal. I don’t have time for that right now. I’m so exhausted all I want to do is sleep.

I’m half way through my life and I realize these things about me:

I have never been one to “stop traffic” per say.

I have never been one to make a guy side glance.

I’m reminded of this scene in the movie Big Fish

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He sees her at the opposite end of a crowded circus tent

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Time stops for him, completely as she is the only thing that he sees in the whole room.

That will never happen to me. Even in my youth it was never going to happen. I never turned heads. Hell, even the husband I did get was probably to drunk to realize he was marrying an “ugly cow” and when he did realize he sure wasn’t slow in admitting it to my face he never loved me and thought I wasn’t physically appealing. (hence, the lack of sex as the marriage marched towards its end).

At this point in my life, I feel like I live with only one purpose. To make sure that the child God chose for me to take care of is fed, clothed, educated and taught right from wrong. I will just continue to do that as I realize that my good years are all gone.

I know that tons of women go through some of the examples I gave of when people were mean. I wished it wasn’t so.

Finally: The picture below was 13 years ago, I was 24. It was my wedding day, and what you see here is both hope and denial beaming from me. More of the latter, than the former.

Hope that all the red flags in the person I was about to marry were not really there.

And Denial, that the red flags weren’t really there.

Me on my wedding day – 155lbs

I think enough…is enough.

I’ve been contemplating things again.

Many moons ago, I wrote a bit on how I randomly got on my sister’s scale and the number that jumped out at me was horrifying. 12231429_l_1363783984

I’m sure since then, that number has risen. I’m tired of being tired. If that makes any sense. I used to bounce around and not need a tank of oxygen after one small flight of stairs.

Speaking of stairs, after writing about how hauling grocery bags up one flight of stairs and feeling like my heart was going to jump out of my chest and about the 36 years I’ve lived mostly fat, I believe that its time for another attempt at trying to get rid of some of this weight. The process of actually typing out my weight history and thoughts and then seeing it on the screen in black and white, made me think.

Oh I still think that humans are visual. But at this point I don’t care. I’m not trying to snag a new husband with my soon to be skinny butt (crossing fingers). I’m trying to be able to walk up a flight of stairs with out needing an ambulance or walk around my favorite amusement park without my feet feeling like they are going to fall off.  The last example, I know is because I’m fat because about 60 lbs ago, I used to be able to walk Disneyland from 9am until 9pm and barely feel any pain.

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My sister has been on a weight loss kick. She has cut out carbs (I’m starting to believe the Devil invented carbs) and does her elliptical every day.

For me, its takes a bit more than that. I’ve already mentioned my success on Jenny Craig but the cost of it is a bit much. I am on the lifetime plan with Jenny so I don’t have to pay the start up fee but I do have to pay for the weekly food, which can average about $100 a week. Uh, nope. Also, its all Jenny frozen foods. Therefore, once off the Jenny foods, weight climbs back on like a monkey up a tree!

I’ve decided to go another way. I need to cut out two things:

1) Fast food – fuck that Devil crap

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2) Carbs – the bad kind because really I don’t need that extra piece of dinner roll.  Thanks Mr. Mackey.

I also think I’ll up the proteins like lean chicken and very lean beef. I wish I liked fish but I can’t stand it. That is to bad because I know that is a good protein to. I just can’t do fish.

I will also be seeing a medical nutritionist recommended by my doctor. I have an appointment set for next week.

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Something else happened other than wheezing up one flight of stairs and my feet hurting after walking around Disneyland for only an hour.

The other day, I had this conversation with The Boy:

Me (after realizing I can’t walk all day at Disneyland like I could 8 years and 60 lbs ago): *kinda under my breath* “I just can’t do this anymore….I need to lose weight”

The Boy: “It’s ok Mommy. There is always someone fatter than you. You still don’t look bad”

Him saying that left me with a sick “blegh” feeling inside me. I don’t want him to think about others as “fatter than me”. He shouldn’t be thinking about “fat” at all.  And I certainly didn’t want him to see me as fat but worse, I certainly didn’t want him to feel pressured into defending me to any future meanies who could possibly make fun of his fat mama.

Just tons of …….

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I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t at least give this another shot. Even if it would be the 100th time in my life I try to lose weight again.

But its worth a try.

Hello darkness….my old friend…

Sadness, grief, regret.

So much regret.

I just found an old boyfriend on Facebook, someone I had been looking for, for a while. He is married, JUST married and now that ONE decision I made almost 13 years ago hit me so hard I burst into tears. Tears so hard that they stung my eyes. I’ve cried so much no more is coming out.

As I mentioned before, I am divorced, 9 years ago. The man I married, then divorced was one of two men I could have chosen.  He never loved me, he said that himself. He never even wanted to get married.

Needless to say I did not choose wisely.

Who was the other man you might ask?

Well the one I found FB just moments ago, married, smiling happily with his wife in their little profile photo.

Me? I’m all alone…not one friend. So fat and ugly that no one would care a snit about me.

This is the moment when I say fuck my life.

There is a moment, a split second when you realize everything won’t be ok. The “God has a plan” really seems like a bald face lie told by people who just don’t want to hear you whining anymore. Oh really? Then God’s plan is to ensure that I live the next 40+ years in the utter darkness of Lonelyville? Really? Then He can take me now…I’ll pass on that life.

There is no “plan” for the future. Just loneliness. A long dark road heading straight to loneliness.

Come….follow me down the rabbit hole…

So I am gathering a following….tell me my friends…do you pick blue or red?

Blue or Red?

Red? Ok…here we go…

I’m a single mother, 36, so everything you see posted here, the hockey games, skating, Universal Studios visits, Disneyland visits, I do all by myself with the boy.

The boy is my son, he is 9.

I work Monday – Friday 8-5 at an office.

I do not have a husband as the last one I had and divorced 9 years ago not only confessed he never loved me (why did he marry me then?) but has never wanted to see his son. He hasn’t seen him since he was 1 year old….no Christmas cards, no birthday cards…do not pass go….do not collect $200. The father of my child can rot in hell for all I care.

BUT I love my child and that is the only thing that I thank his father for…nothing else.

Sometime, I just want to sit in front of my computer playing World of Warcraft and eating pizza….I do the former…the latter…I must stop because I’m trying to lose weight.

Any other questions just ask!