Life is messy….yet very clean

 

roller coaster

And on and on the roller coaster goes….

I realized that I needed to find SOMETHING that would move my frame of mind out of how my current job started off on the wrong foot back in March and get more positive.  It hit me.  They will pay for me to go back to college to finish my Psychology degree.

And they are…

boise-state-university-annual-family-holiday-conce-45So, within weeks I had my Boise State University application filled out turned in and all paperwork needed for the tuition waiver turned in. I was accepted as were my credits from the Community College I got my A.A. from back in California and graduated from in 2001.  I went to transfer student orientation last Friday and I start my 2 paid for classes in a week.

Being that I am working full time I will not be able to take a full schedule each semester but if I did, I would be closer to a Psych BS than I thought and would have been done in a year. But I work, which means only 2 classes or less per semester but that is going to work out fine because my employer only pays for 9 credits a semester anyway.  The road is a bit longer but it is drive-able.

I am excited. Mostly, because after many years of giving all of myself to others, after many years of suppressing my personality and what I enjoy and me being the one who has to do the changes, but more specifically of giving myself to being a mother, I am doing something for ME.  So as long as I stay with this employer, which I see happening, this will get done. UvpC1jt

And I love school. I always have. I love library’s and studying instruments. I’ve always been a “book” person.  I love getting organized for classes.  I prefer to actually going to a classroom setting but again, because of my schedule, it’s online classes for me….at least for now.  Until The Boy gets old enough to really be by himself, which is probably now, I just still have to test him.  He is 13 1/2 anyway….

Now I walk the long road that is tests and books.

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Hello! And how are you? How was your weekend?

“Hello! And how are you? How was your weekend?”

Ah, to be a human out in the world of other humans.  How many times have we been asked this question and in response, smiled and said something along the lines of “I’m doing great and my weekend was fantastic!”?

In reality, you are in physical pain constantly because your lower back feels like it’s barely being held together by string, you deal with migraines just about every week, the fat keeps piling on no matter how much you move or how much you don’t eat and it weighs you down and you have an emotionally draining mother who demands attention whenever you are with her and her “it’s all about MY problems” look on life in tie with an ailing father who doesn’t communicate or interact at all.  This piled up on top of your own worries of trying to keep a household on a pay that doesn’t fit the economy (thanks to moving to a state that is 50 years behind the USA cost of living) and trying to keep a stable relationship with a 13 year old son who is starting to just want to have nothing to do with you…but sure wants your money. greatthanks
I guess that would be a lot longer to say in response to a short inpersonal question.  Oh and I’m pretty sure that the person asking, really doesn’t genuinely care how you are REALLY doing.

The truth is, some people are WAY to perky and LAUGH way to much.  I want to turn to them and say,

Look! Not all of us have a hard working spouse, two incomes and wonderful little perfect children.  Some people, and by some people I mean ME, have to sometimes choose between food and gas just to stay afloat. So constantly ranting about your all of the above to me, pretty much makes me want to punch a baby. Knock it off…I don’t care!

But that would be mean and un-sociable.

So I smile and nod and say the socially accepted phrases such as “oh isn’t that great” or “oh so cute

But really…..

 

Luke-----I-Don--t-Care

 

You know when there is that person…you just don’t like

Everyone has been through it.  You meet a person and for some reason, you just don’t like them!  I have that situation except I do know why I don’t like her, but it isn’t really her fault.  We got a new paralegal and apparently because I don’t have a big bad paralegal degree, I get kicked out of my office and she gets the big office while I get shoved into the small cubicle in the hallway.  The way of the corporate world I guess.

Then get a degree? Well, I do have my two year AA and AS.  I wished I had a husband to back me up so I can be off work for two years and still have income pouring in while said husband works.  That is the story of my other co-worker, the Jr. Paralegal.  Well, good for her, because if I went that route, I would be homeless and begging on the streets with my kid because I have no “back up” income to speak of.  It is enough that I haven’t eaten in about a week (and that is no joke…I’ve been living off hard boiled eggs and water, I feed my kid and even the cat first before me, always).

Her first day was today and I’m being as cordial as I can possibly be.  I mean, it really wasn’t HER fault that I don’t have a paralegal degree (I don’t even want one) and was pushed out of my big corner office with a door and a window.

Still, I have this inner biatch feeling to just ignore her, completely.  I don’t really work with her directly but I still am in the same department.

*sigh* I don’t like feeling this mean because I’m not normally this mean but I just do NOT like the situation and even if I sound like a whining 10 year old…I don’t care.  They treated me pretty bad by just shoving me out of an office after over a year in it with no warning nor telling me it was temporary, which apparently it was because I am not a big bad Paralegal.  But, as has been the situation for years now, employers can do basically whatever they want to employees, just short of something illegal, because of the job shortages.  I certainly can’t find a job anywhere else so I just smile and nod at whatever is thrown at me.

Still, for the most part, it’s a good employer with great benefits so I really should just stop complaining and whining like a 10 year old.  Right?

But…if the occassion did ever call for moving on in life…I would defintately say it…in cake…

I_Quit_Cake

Are you happy?

I stayed home from work today.  There was a reason for it but mainly, I really just didn’t want to go.  I’m finding it hard to keep my composure and patience and I’m finding I’m having to just bite my tongue a lot.  Especially, now that I’ve been moved into a smaller work space, which feels like a form of a demotion to me.  My frustration from that stems from being basically told “tough but that office was meant for a paralegal and you are not one” but oddly enough, all I hear is “you are just not good enough to be in an office because the big bad paralegal who got a degree is better than you”

I just have to bite my lip, bend over and take it because, well, I need a job or I’m on the streets, begging for food and that isn’t an exaggeration.

I stayed home and spent the first hours of the morning in bed staring at this beautiful face.  I was just so exhausted, more emotional than physical.  I laid in bed, with my cat therapy and I thought.

I thought about an interesting phenomenon that has been going on in the whole course of my life for as long as I can remember.  I’ve been alive for 36 1/2 years and I can count only one 3 month period where I felt I was actually happy.

I was about 6 months pregnant, almost 10 years ago, and I had been taken off work due to slight complications.  I had just moved into a nice condo with my then husband and was under no stress.  I woke up whenever I wanted, I spent hours relaxing with my two cats Nikita and Dunpeel.  I had my child growing inside me.  I had no money worries because since I was on medical disability, Aflac paid me $1400 a month as well as my employer at the time paying me disability on top of still getting paid my regular paycheck because I was using paid time off.

Those three months are the only time I can remember where I didn’t feel heartbreak, sorrow, worries and the pressure of everything around me.

Never again, before or after, did I feel that kind of peace ever again.  I only have a whole of loneliness and emotional suffering ahead.

I want that moment back.

So, when I am asked “are you happy” I can answer “no”.

When I am asked “have you ever been happy”, I an answer “only 3 months in my entire 36 year existence”.

I just want to be free.

I feel like a hamster on a wheel

hamster-wheel

It’s just the same old thing, over and over.  I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to get excited about.  Well, I take some of that back.  I did get approved for a 8 day vacation at Christmas time, which includes 2 paid holidays.  I’m going with my sister to visit our other sister in Montana.  However, I still have that forboding feeling that something will try to ruin that and it will probably be my mother.

I have no money for food again today.  I spent the last I had on lunch items for The Boy.  He eats before me.  That is my basic rule when money is tight. So as of lately, there has been nothing left over after I feed him or get his lunch items, which I’ve had to get more of because, well he’s a growing boy.  So, some days, I starve.  I’m not going to die. I have enough fat to cover the lack of food.  It’s just more annoying.

I forgot to boil eggs last night so I have no hard boiled eggs for lunch today.  I’m going to survive today on a Greek yogurt and a cup of strawberries.   In all honesty, that is why I have been losing weight.  All my food expenses go to The Boy and I just get what is left over which is usually nothing.  It’s been a rough summer since I had to pay twice as much for summer camp in June and July and now, The Boy’s moving up to the Hockey clinic so I need to get his full gear which is turning out to run into the $500 range. Unbelievable.

I have -$30 in my account until next Wednesday.   Yes that is a “negative” sign you see in front of that number.  And I have no idea how I’m going to fill my tank with gas.  I may have to skip work and call in “don’t have enough money to get gas to get to work” one day until next Wednesday.  I already had to take back some clothes of The Boy’s that I allowed myself to be tricked into buying (believe me, I only blame myself).  I cried to The Boy on Monday after I picked him up from school telling him that I over spent and it was my fault and I would have to take some clothes back.  He put his hand on my shoulder and said, “it’s ok and look! I caught a lizard!”

God I love that kid so much!

Also, my Water/Sewer/Trash bill has gone up like 60%.  This is the bill that most apartment complexes pay for but not the one I’m in.  It’s my highest utility bill at $70 a month which is what it was last month.  I have a 755 sq ft apartment.  I have no idea how I can have that much for water/sewer/trash.  I know sewer and trash I can’t even control but I know I don’t use that much water.  When I asked about it I was basically told “sorry, that is what it is”.

I know I’m not going to be able to afford this apartment by my lease renewal next June.  Rent has gone up all three years I’ve been here and not by a couple of bucks.   I think $100 is the most I’ve seen it go up.

I’ll figure it out though.  It’s just so disheartening as I’m trying my best.  I almost lost it on Monday afternoon though.  I realized that I had not one more cent and I still had to pay rent and for this month’s hockey lesson.  On the drive home, my sister called because I asked her, my out of work sister, if she had $20 to cover some of hockey lessons.  I lost it.  It was another dark hole of The Nothing I was falling into at that moment and I wanted to die and be done with all this anguish and pain, just be done.

I breathed and moved on.  One of these days, I won’t get to the breathe and move on moment and just keep falling until I stop falling and the pain is done. *sigh*

warningcontains-200x200Deep in my heart though…I know it’s still black with hate because I know that the father of my child, who turned his back and left his son gets to prance around, bang whoever he wants and do whatever he wants while I have to worry about money, hockey gear (which if I don’t get soon I will never hear the end of the complaining from The Boy) and schooling.  As time goes on, I really do feel myself just hating that man and I will continue to do so, regardless if he’s the father of my child.

I don’t like having so much hate in my heart, but at least it’s geared towards one person that I rarely see or converse with ever.

This just in:  I’ve just been told that I will now be forced to move out of my office with the door and window into a stuffy cubicle in the small hallway.  Apparently, my office is for a paralegal, not legal secretary, which I am, something I’ve never been told in the last year and 2 months I’ve been here.

It just gets better and better.

Office Space much??

I can officially put today down as one of the crappier days of my life.

First, I found out we are hiring another paralegal. No biggie, I’m just a lowly secretary even if I can do the paralegal work but just don’t have the piece of paper with my name on it that says that I can.  However, I realized how “lowly” I was when I was told that when this paralegal is hired, they will take the current office that I’m in now which has a door and a window to look outside.

And what will I be moved into?  Well, that means that I will be shoved into a small cubicle a quarter of the size of that office and forgo the door, the window and a whole lot of privacy.  No more lunches with the office door closed.  I will have to leave the office (which I don’t like doing in this heat) for lunch or I will be interrupted during lunch a lot.

Then just after finding that out, I get a call from my sister.  She was laid off from her job this morning after almost 6 years working there.  She was expecting it and it put my office debacle into perspective but it didn’t make me feel better.  At least I still have my job.  Although, I’m not entirely sure how long that will be because I would think that being told I have to move from an office like this:

Office%201_A

To a cubicle like this (not even this big): imagesCAPQEXLQ

 I would consider that a demotion from those standards.

*Note: the above pictures are not the actual photos of my working environment…but they are very close.

And I wonder about whether they are just preparing me for something to come.  And if that something were to come, my life would be over. I refuse to move back in with my parents and actually can’t now that my step-grandmother is moving in with them and now that my sister is out of a job, I couldn’t move in with her. There would be no way I could afford my $1,250 a month rent on any other pay I’ve seen being offered in these parts and being that I get a discount on my rent through my employer, that rent would go up to close to $1,400 for my 2 bedroom apartment.

I guess I shouldn’t complain really. Until that “something” happens, at least I still have a job.

I will say that I felt very much like Milton Waddams.

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